BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 111 -Caveman's Wages

Episode Date: April 21, 2021

The lads do their best to discuss the Super League, ancient Greek oracles, cavemen and grandma caveman. Also racist policemen. Phil went to the gym and a machine warned him about being fat while Pierre contemplates... pleeeeh-zurs.... Correspondence includes: Spencer's Girlfriend, Mirror Touch and sluice-tits overhearing. Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 1! 1! 1! Or is it, Pierre? Because I don't know if you follow Budpod, but last week there was a bit of a controversy with the numbering of the episode. my little note at the start to explain that now from now on 109 will be an in-joke lost episode I think that's fair enough what's embarrassing is that we made such a song and dance about 108A and 108B being the first A and B episodes

for a while and then after that we just forgot about episode 109 Budpod is episodes for a while and then after that we just forgot about episode 109 well you know bud pod is is is like it's like top level athletics even taking a week or two off you know you lose so much that's true already you lose form already yeah it's like look at this your your your bud pod muscles have deteriorated even in this interval. We're just lucky you haven't been struck by injury yet,

a podcast injury. You haven't strained your jaw or anything. Well, this is it, yeah. I mean, the... Taking you out of action. Even a minor jaw strain or funny bone fracture. Oh, funny bone fracture. that's your career over that's it you're out for the season minimum and i mean a podcaster you know his podcasting years are only between the ages of what 20 and 57 you know it's a short window it's a short career after that he just has to commentate on podcasts

and maybe train other podcasters. Well, this is what makes people like Mark Maron so exceptional, that he's one of the few guys pushing that age boundary. And, you know, it's because he doesn't drink. He's in the form of his life. But even he, at some point, is just going to have to be in a commentary box with Ricky Gervais and Carl Pilkington

talking about how the off-menu guys are looking in form Yes, Marc Maron is the Jean-Louis Buffon of podcasting I don't know if you're aware of Juventus' very old goalkeeper. Well, it's a good week for you to actually know something about the ball-kicking game, Phil, because everyone is upset about the football. Yeah, I'm so...

I never thought I'd be relieved to see football as the main story. It's not just the main sports story. It's the main story. It's not just a main sports story. It's the main story. And it feels great. Nothing says Donald Trump is no longer president and the pandemic seems for the moment to be going all right

than BBC top story football. Yeah, and also, just like... I also found it a relief and also quite amazing because it took me a while to even grasp what the hell everyone was talking about. But all I saw was that it was like, whatever has happened, it's been condemned by like football hooligans, the Prime Minister,

Prince William, the Guardian, the Times, times the sun like everyone on earth like macron has said something about i say what the fuck has happened it was like at the end it was like football had made the decision to align with isis at the end of watchmen, nuclear war is avoided because a giant alien destroys Manhattan and the entire world gets behind fighting this one common enemy. Yeah. And the Super League has done the same thing. I think in a few years time, the Super League is going to get the Nobel Peace Prize for bringing everyone together under the banner of the Super League is a horrible idea. Do you understand what the Super League is?

I just have the working knowledge. Well, I've asked a few people to explain it to me, and from what I can tell... I'm hurt I wasn't asked, Pierre. I'm hurt. Well, you know, you're like the Oracle. I can only ask you so many football questions per year. Before I get too tired. Yeah, before you stop swirling and all that smoke nude and fall down.

That's the Oracle in 300. Yeah. And after I saw that, ever since I saw that, I'm like, were Oracles really naked or was that just because that was Zack Snyder? Yeah, it's hard to say, isn't it? I mean, I would like a sort of nude oracle in a cave who's like blind, swirling around to be what VAR is. Right, okay. When they just go, well, was it a goal goal or not and then they just cut to this like

yeah they're like we can't tell if it's a goal or not and the referee just pulls out a torch and lights it and he says i may be a while and he walks off the pitch. And everyone just has to wait. Yeah. He pulls a hood over his head and walks through the tunnels. Yeah. The referee's cloak is like still a referee's, you know, uniform. The stripes. It's still stripes. Yeah. And he does that same sort of run.

That same sort of, I'm a referee run. Yeah. With his shoulders backing up his shoulders high fists and the ass stuck out the back yeah yeah jogging up the hill with the torch yeah exactly all the players standing around kind of like spitting and kicking their boots around and all these all these people in pubs in my opinion, the Oracle's fucking ruined the game. It's either a fucking goal or it's not. I don't want some fucking swirly mystic slaying in a cave to fucking

disallow. Why does the Oracle, in all her infinite wisdom, always favour United? And of course, that article for the New Statesman about how criticism of the Oracle can sometimes veer into misogyny. And you have to be careful.

One has to ask oneself, would I be saying this if the Oracle was a man? Yes. If it was a bald fat guy in his 50s swirling around in a cave which he would be the one logical inconsistency of Zack Snyder's

otherwise watertight depiction of 300 of ancient greece is that the oracle who is chained to the ground and can't exercise is physically fit yeah great shape she's a hottie and you're like doesn't she isn't this all she does like she should be yeah the oracle should be a fat middle-aged man just like oh i really need to do more cardio yeah unless she's chained to the ground near a pilates class and a sort of and also the sacrifices are always like roast lamb that's very fattening you know you know what i'm sick of phil? I'm sick of these beautiful, in-shape oracles

pretending that they're just like regular people like us and they eat roast lamb sacrifices. They clearly don't. It's just a PR stunt. Yeah, they're thin-washing oracles. And it has to stop. We need more fat oracles. We need to talk about oracles, Pierre. We need more fat oracles. We need to talk about oracles, Pierre. We need to.

I mean, the oracles already knew that we need... They knew before we needed to talk about them that we would eventually need to talk about them. So, you know, actually, there's poor form from them not to tell us that we would eventually need to talk about oracles. If someone was really an oracle they should come across as the most bored and frustrated person you've ever met

yeah well it'd be like I guess this is a Watchmen heavy episode but it'd be like Doctor Manhattan saying I tire of these people yeah when you know so much and you know everything that's going to happen

you'd just be bored well that's it you'd be hard pressed not to end every sentence by going duh because you've known it since you were hit by lightning or whatever happened to you well anyway trust us to turn a talk about football into a discussion of

the battle of thermopylae. But it's basically... Just a couple of lads! The Super League is basically all the... It's all the older boys have gone together and said the younger boys aren't allowed in their special club unless they fight each other for it. So it's like six English clubs and three other clubs yet to be confirmed.

Oh, no, wait. And three European clubs. Well, I think 15 in total super clubs, including like Barcelonacelona real madrid and stuff biggest boys they make up this league and they can never they can never uh be kicked out they can never be relegated from it yeah and then the final five are people who will have to qualify to be in it every season and they can be relegated. And they just have to fight for a guest star role.

But then what happens if one of the top clubs comes last one season and then they stay in the second last club who are not of the special 15 has to go? That must be embarrassing for the super club at the bottom.

I mean you'd think so but the thing that confused me about how upset everyone was the the only way it's made sense to me is is um it was explained to me that like what this this removed like a lot of money from the other things featuring the the less powerful clubs like it does take away a lot of their money and potentially a lot of their tv money advertising money ah so like obviously if like one of the mega clubs plays one of the smaller clubs at the smaller club stadium they sell lots of tickets and you know they get some tv money i see i see so i was like oh okay but then that's the only thing that made sense to me because up to that point all i saw was people going like i can't believe that football is being a kind of corrupt, unfair money fight.

It's like, what? Yeah, what? Well, yeah, I guess this is the epitome of that quibble. This is just the most blatant exercise in the money grab. I guess that's what people are annoyed about. And also, it's literally sportsmanship. It's just very bad sportsmanship. It's just kind of embarrassing and naff. Yeah, that's true, actually.

I hadn't thought of that. But yeah, I just thought these... You hadn't thought of the sportsmanship? No, genuinely. I literally see them as like hedge funds. I mean, they are. Yeah, they are at this point. But then I guess the main argument

is something like from time to time you get a leicester city come up and suddenly like this ma and pa football team becomes coca-cola and that's exciting i guess but then it's just coca-cola for a while but even then like leicester city would i had to get bought by a thai billionaire yeah yeah so it's like a young up up-and-coming, old billionaire. Who'd have thought? It still took this enormous injection of money, sort of unparalleled injection of money, and then skill and a bit of chance.

And that's the fun narrative. But beyond that, I'd definitely support a local team if it was actually a local team if if it was actually a local team but it's always just like uh this american hedge fund and its team of brazilian recruits are gonna fight that saudi prince and his team of pretending to be geordie spanish people and uh we'll see who wins it's just i have no it just seems so like um mercenary and strange. It's globalization, the game. Yeah, exactly.

What happens if you open up a sport completely and open up money completely? Yeah, yeah. Although I guess the one thing I think the UK will never have, surely, is that weird American thing where they just go, the New York Jets are now the Cincinnati Saucepots or whatever. They just completely move a team and change their name and their logo.

That is insane, yeah. Americans are so fucking weird. It's mad. It's mad how our baseline cultural touchstone, America, is fucking weird. Like, they're so weird that even being intimately aware of them culturally your entire life, they're still fucking weird. Yeah.

weird yeah and i think even when the predominant global cultural right like even when the british empire was the most powerful thing it never had cultural dominance as well people would still you know talk about french philosophers and russian authors and german engineering or whatever else italian um uh you know cuisine or anything else like that it was never this like the thing about america is that it's obviously it's the biggest military power and it has loads of international hard power, but it's soft power is just, there's nothing like it. Just everyone knows what prom is.

Everyone knows what a cheerleader is. Everyone understands the visual iconography of American culture and everyone's seen an American movie. Whereas even when the British Empire was at its height, people in every other country on earth wouldn't have seen a Shakespeare play necessarily. That's a good point.

Whereas America's... Well, yeah, I mean, America's cultural domination has coincided with television, cinema, and the internet. So I guess it's had that in its favor. That said, it's huge yeah i mean i i'm interested to see if america's uh school shooting disease is catching through its media abroad yeah thankfully that seems to be the one thing that doesn't carry over well it's mostly the lack of availability of guns there's been a couple of big school

shootings in finland but that was a while ago now but um yeah but yeah yeah but it is such an odd it's just so big that every time you think you've figured it out then something happens in the part that you forgot was there yeah you just have to remember like oh yeah texas and then something fucking mental happens in Texas. And there's another shooting in, is it Minneapolis again, wasn't it? Oh yeah, yeah. The lady with her taser.

The police officer who has been a police officer for what, 26 years? 26 years, yeah. Yeah, felt like a taser. I mean, I can't speak. I haven't held a taser ever i don't know how heavy it is apparently you um were you did you were you given one to practice on when you were two just well keep it safe for now young pierre um here's a taser i'll give you a taser before you graduate to small arms training um no i've held pistols but i haven't held a taser i'll give you a taser before you graduate to small arms training um now i've held pistols but i haven't held a taser but apparently the taser thing is like uh it's it you need to like

flip a flip a cover over the off the trigger or something or like it's definitely a different finger procedure so to speak right right right right so that's probably going to be the prosecution's angle of like well you've had you've had the or taser in your gun on the same hip for 25 years yeah plus it's different so what were you doing but um yeah it's a fucking weird thing to do there's a huge corruption trial i think in baltimore where basically they've proved and they're and they're prosecuting these guys for um they would drive around with very realistic toy guns in case

they shot anyone. They could just drop it on them. What? Who are these people? The Baltimore police, I think. Really? Yeah, search cops. Baltimore toy gun is part of a huge corruption case, I think. But that's on the record now

because one of the one of the guys involved has turned witness and it's like yeah yeah we had these toy guns and they they were literally for if we shot someone we could just use them as like a drop gun and be like oh see there you go what to say that they fired first or no just to say oh i saw a gun it was a toy i don't know it looks realistic to me oh i see i see i see yeah which is just like i mean to be fair in the UK too like our problem that we've had here is did you see that metropolitan police

I think he's a Met Police guy and he broke that guy's leg did you see that no was this recent well it was a few I think it was 2017 but it's only just like he's being sort of tried for it now let me get it up

exactly because the uk laws are not kind um about getting these things wrong here we are yes yeah met a metropolitan police constable has just been jailed um so um a black a black guy called Carl Abrahams was leaving a cemetery with his children after laying flowers I think for his deceased wife yeah to their mother's grave and so he's walking out of

he's walking out of a cemetery in the day with his sons, and this policeman just pulls up in an unmarked car and gives him a fucking leg sweep and just physically attacks him and fucks up his leg. What? Really? What? Yeah, breaks his fucking leg. A leg sweep, like in Street Fighter? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And has he said why? So apparently... I think his... I can't find his defence. A friend of mine told me his defence was basically, oh, he works undercover, you know, plainclothes police in, like, gangs and stuff, and he thought it was one of them. And it's like, right, you know,

even if it was someone in a gang, it's still illegal to just rush up and break their leg. Like, you can't. That's not a defense to say, when I was breaking the law, I thought it was, you know, Steve and it wasn't. That is nuts. What is going on? So if that guy was

an American policeman, he'd have had a gun and he probably would have just fucking shot the guy. That's exactly it. That's exactly it. I mean, the problem stems from just having guns everywhere. Also, I will say, if you look this British policeman up, he follows the rule of looking like a fucking Neanderthal thug. Okay, I'm going to look at it.

Put it this way. He doesn't look... Put it this way. He doesn't look like a wise person. He doesn't look like a wise person. No. He looks like an absolute prick. Ooh, wow, yeah! Yeah, see?

The photo... He looks like a wax model of a Neanderthal man. He looks like a Simpsons caveman. He does a bit, yeah. He does, yeah. He's got a really heavy brow. That is mad.

What is the deal with people like this? Can you filter these people out when they apply to join the i'm allowed to hit people club i'm allowed to hit people with clubs club yeah they call it club club for short or club for short club club yeah um how do you filter these people out how do you how do you how do you filter these people out? how do you ask tricksy enough questions like the fucking sphinx maybe just ask like one of those personality

survey questions you see a man leaving a graveyard with his children do you A. continue driving B. say sorry for your loss or C. leg sweeping like ryu from street fighter do you d chun li him in the face yeah i mean you yes i guess i'm i guess every

every net has holes is that a is that Is that a phrase? I like it Thank you See, that's the kind of phrase that this guy doesn't look capable of saying Looking at his face now reminds me of He looks like he would say Pop clink fizz Like Grandma Caveman, yeah Grandma Caveman, yeah He looks like he would say Pop Clink Fizz. Like Grandma Caveman, yeah. Grandma Caveman, yeah.

Pop Clink Fizz. He looks like Grandma Caveman. Pop Clink Fizz. Someone sent... Oh, God, what was it? Someone sent some really awful... I do now read all that awful marketing in a caveman voice where it's like, taste the delicious. Oh my God.

I was at the gym early today, which I'll come back to actually. And there's a healthy foods vending machine there that says, I think the top says, try the future of delicious. Ugh. And one of the products that it was selling also had a similar slogan.

I can't remember it now. No, no, it was like, try kind. Oh, no. Try kind, Pierre. Have you tried kind? Oh no Try kind Pierre Have you tried kind Try kind Try kind

You make You make Grandma caveman sad Try kind Stop mean Try kind Grandma caveman May have fight with Friend Stop mean. Try kind. Grandmoor caveman may have

fight with friend. Try kind. As she like pats his head. Try kind. Okay. I find something really funny about the idea of a caveman saying okay.

That's really funny about the idea of a caveman saying okay. That's really funny. Okay. Okay. Okey dokey. Okay. It's quite hard to write dialogue for a caveman because he wouldn't say something too fancy like very well. Very well.

Unless it was an evil caveman. Yeah, or if he was supposed to be like, well, like an oracle. Very well, yes. But then, okay, it's just a bit too... It's too casual. It's too...

I guess you just have to go with a Yes Can you say yes? You can get away with yes You can probably get away with yes But just going mmm and nodding Would be better I don't think there's ever anything casual

About being a caveman No It's a full-time job, yeah. If you fucking ask me, Phil, cavemen should be paid footballers' wages. The amount of work they do. The hardest fucking job in the world. scraping a fucking living in 10 000 bc it's not a fucking life is it of course it was until thatcher closed all the caves she came and she shut down all the caves she came and she shut down all the caves well you know like a lot of people

it's part of so many people in the world can say one of my great great great great great great great great great great great great great and then it goes on a bit great grandfather's was a caveman you know yeah we can all say that that was his job and that's my lineage

that was his job and sometimes I feel guilty not to Carry on the family tradition And work in digital marketing instead Digital marketing contains Almost no flint napping Have you spoke about before how mad it is that people lived in caves For like a thousand years

Oh yeah like how long The stone age lasted It's a long time Have we spoken about before how mad it is that people lived in caves for like a thousand years? Oh, yeah. Like how long the Stone Age lasted. Yeah. It's a long time with no change. Where they would. Yeah. So long.

Centuries and centuries of history just in caves. They're probably just like. I bet you someone built like a hut and it was all like wet and like it fell down a bit. And all the other cave men were just like oh is it as good as a cave and the guy was like no wet fall mush wet fall mush

you know what no wet fall mush cave let's celebrate new cave with poppling fish you think you make better cave? Me like to see that Really skeptical Folding their arms

Anyway, I was at the gym today, Pierre I've told you this, I texted you about this Because it was my first session with a personal trainer, and they made me get on this special machine. It's a virgin active, Pierre. I don't mind saying. So it's pretty fancy. Because you're an active virgin.

I'm an active virgin. Virgin active is only for people who are actively virgins. We go out of our way to not have sex, and only we are allowed to join virgin active is only for people who are actively virgins we go out of our way to not have sex and um only we are allowed to join virgin active and and our it's my first meeting with my virgin personal trainer and he got me on this machine they have the fancy machine where you put your bare feet on these little panels and you hold onto these metal sticks like you're doing that test in Scientology. Yeah.

And the machine goes... And it calculates your body mass index. It calculates your body fat percentage. I'm at 27, Pierre, in case you wanted to know. I'm 27 27 body fat oh my personal trainers uh was i think seven um but it also told you a whole bunch of things including what the machine called your metabolic age which i think is your effective fitness age and i think um i think that's when cavemen were around, wasn't it?

The metabolic age? Yeah. Yeah, that's when Grandma Caveman would have been around. The metabolic age. That's when man first discovered the treadmill metabolic age. That's when man first discovered the treadmill metabolic age. That's right, yeah.

And it said my metabolic age as a 31-year-old man was 46 years old. I have the fitness of a 46-year-old man. So you are 15 years too metabolically old. I'm 15 years too metabolically old.

I'm 15 years fat, Pierre. 31 years old and 15 years fat. I couldn't believe the rudeness of this machine. It gave me an obesity warning. It said I'm not obese now but I'm getting a warning. This is my warning. But then I'm like, this has been my body for 15 years. I think if something is the case for 15 years, it's not a warning.

You can't have a warning that goes on for 15 years. So the machine gave you a yellow card, is what you're saying? That's right. Yeah. Which I tried to eat. You thought it was a pat of butter. I'm not looking up 46-year-old celebrities. Leonardo DiCaprio. There you go. I don't mind.

Jimmy Fallon. Okay. Bradley Cooper. I'll take that. Will.i.am and Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas to be fair

if your metabolic age was 19 DiCaprio would try and fuck you I don't mind that Ryan Seacrest I'll take Ryan Seacrest's body any day

Katie Hopkins do you think if you put her take Ryan Seacrest's body any day. Katie Hopkins! Katie Hopkins! Do you think if you put her in that machine, the machine just starts emitting smoke? Because she's too fit. She's so evil. The machine gives her an evil percentage. I don't know how much to trust this machine machine because it's obviously in a gym's interest to tell you you're a slug with a machine that you can't argue with yes um

ask the oracle but also like it did this it did this scan of where the most fat on my body where the worst points of my body were like where the most unfit points of my body were. And colour-coded, and so, like, my belly was red. Obesity warning red on my belly. And then my arms were like an orange. Right.

But then my legs were sort of a green-yellow. We were getting into green territory. And it's true that I have nice pins, Pierre. You've got shapely pinsre i've been complimented on them before i do have lovely pins i've got nice shapely calves uh i've got good um sort of muscular kind of thighs and so the machine and the machine knew and so i was like maybe this machine is right. But then how often do you see people... It's an oracle machine. How often do you see people who look like... Only their legs and calves are so fat that they look like a big grasshopper? I know what you mean. And so my second thought was, right, but is this just a common fat distribution on any man?

But then I remembered you, Pierre, and you have very, very big legs. That's true. That's true. Although there's not very much fat on my calves, but there is on my thighs. What would the machine say about me? There's only one way to find out. Although, of course... Come down to the machine!

I'll stick with my swirling oracle, thanks. As she just, like, swirls around in the smoke and then just collapses and just goes, ah, you're fat. Try cutting out carbs. Eat more fibrous greens. Have five smaller meals a day. Yeah, as the oracle tries to pinch your belly. And you go, and rear backwards.

yeah i mean i i don't need i don't need a machine to tell me i've let myself down over the past year phil i've got a mirror for that a technology that has yet to be surpassed that's right i i self-shaming if i if i if i continue to to sit still and and and drink beer at the current rate, I will end up getting a kind of... I'll have a torso that looks like one of those orangutans. Just a sort of a ball with some tits on top. So I'm aware that things need to be done. Also, I don't trust BMI. I don't know if I trust the electric foot paddle machine,

but BMI is very silly, especially if you're of our height, if you're as far above average height for the equation as you and me are, Phil. Oh, really? Yes, well, because the equation necessarily is most accurate at the center of the bell curve. On either extreme, it becomes less accurate because it's not designed.

It is inherently designed for the middle of the bell curve for the average person. So the less average you are going in, the wackier your results will be. I want to look up average male height UK. It's not very high. Five foot nine. Yeah. male height UK it's not very high 5 foot 9 so right so I'm 4 inches taller than that yes and I mean

the equation was thought up well over 100 years ago oh was it? and it wasn't invented by medical professionals it's not being used for what it's for it's it's all bmi's is is real voodoo science um and i'm always very wary it's annoying because bmi is silly but also the annoyingly a lot of people who criticize bmi are also like me overweight like i am like i'm not saying i'm not overweight i'm saying i'd like it to be measured a lot of people who criticize BMI are also, like me, overweight. Like, I am.

Like, I'm not saying I'm not overweight. I'm saying I'd like it to be measured accurately. That's all I'm saying. I'm not claiming that I don't need to watch my health. I do. So you're not at the BMI machines smacking it because it says you're fat. This thing must be broken. Smacking it with one of my tits.

Piece of crap that nothing works around here. If I... What would a... Like, I get all philosophical. What would a machine know of the good and bad of cheese? I start calling everyone else in the gym gentlemen and raising my hands up. Overthrow this device, gentlemen.

Live, live! Throw off the shackles of metabolic age and enter a new age! the post-metabolic age. An age of unrivaled pleasure. I rub my belly. Come, fellows, an age of pleasure beckons. And then the personal trainer is like, yeah, so do you think you could join?

How many sessions are you going to sign up for? There's a discount if you go for eight. Pleasure. Pleasure. Much pleasure. you go for eight yeah pleasure pleasure uh much pleasure to be had i think here they let you join on the condition that you don't speak when you're there because that's how you talk just makes everyone uncomfortable um that's funny i went for a couple of runs and stuff On the treadmill Went to the gym as well And my lungs seem okay provisionally I haven't really pushed myself

Seems like long COVID's Naughty thumbprint on my lungs Is not as bad as I had Worried about so that's good Well that's encouraging I was hoping long COVID is long gone well this is the thing i hope hopefully it is yeah and uh the i just need to i just need to get ready for when it's difficult isn't it because staying at home so much food is the novelty and the fun isn't it and so i've been eating i've been eating a bit like um

isn't it and so i've been eating i've been eating a bit like um just a bit too decadently phil well like the pleasure man that's right that's right i've been enjoying an unrivaled pleasures why not add a large knob of rich butter to that porridge enrich it my friend you've earned it that's the man standing on my shoulder I had a hangover the other day Pierre which really brought me back and

I had a McDonald's so big it lasted me all day I don't even have McDonald's that big I had a McDonald's so big, it lasted me all day. I don't even have a McDonald's that big. I had, yeah. I mean, it wasn't that big. It just kept me going. I had the Big Tasty. Yes.

Which I, like, love. I love the Big Tasty, Pierre. I hope I don't come across as a corporate shill right now. I love the Big Tasty. Pierre. I hope I don't come across as a corporate shill right now. I love the Big Tasty. Well, it was named by Grandma Caveman. Big Tasty. Big Tasty. Big.

Okay. Tasty. Okay. How about we call it Big Tasty? Okay. Okay. And I had five chicken selects, which is pushing The upper limit of chicken selects And then fries and coke

That sorted me out all day Well it didn't sort me out I didn't feel good But I didn't need to eat again It sorted you in It sorted me in Big Tasty is such a What if the burger was enormous

And filled with cream? But if that's the Big Tasty, what's that saying about the other burgers? Are they not tasty? That's true, isn't it? What's McDonald's saying by coming out and going, we finally made a tasty burger? It's like if Ford came out with a car that finally stays together. This is our new stays together car.

It doesn't fall apart. A wheeled vehicle. That's, yeah, if McDonald's... Yeah, what are they sort of admitting? Or are they just sort of saying, well, you pigs seem to love the burgers that we don't think are tasty. So strap in you animals We've made one that we think is actually good

We can't wait to see what you think Big tasty So Grandma Caveman Thank you for coming to the Joining us on the focus group What do you think of the burger? Big Yes, okay, yes

Can you expand on that? Big Tasty Alright You're free to go What about if we added bacon, what would you think then? With bacon Big, tasty With bacon Okay What would you think then? Oh, with bacon.

Big, tasty, with bacon. Okay, thank you, Grandma Caveman. You know what? You can leave early today, actually. We'll just talk to the other people. The chicken select is a good move, though, man. Oof. A little turf and turf. that's what I call it

you gotta have a turf and turf that's right a little hoof and claw the order of the hoof and the order of the claw have joined forces in pursuit of pleasure Have joined forces. In pursuit of pleasure. Yeah.

I walked past a wine shop the other day, Phil, and naturally thought of you. Oh, I'm listening. It's called the Noble Grape. The Noble Grape. I like that. I wanted to send you a photo of it because it's now what I imagine you saying before every sip of wine. Ah, the Noble Grape. Every sip. Ah, the Noble Grape. Just with increasingly blue teeth. Where was this shop?

Where was it? I'll tell you what. It's within walking distance of where I live. So somewhere near Highbury and Islington Holloway, I don't know. Maybe it's further towards Camden. I don't know. But it's somewhere in North London. Very good. A fine place

to stock up in anticipation of future pleasures. Bottles and bottles of pure pleasure. Uncork pleasure. That's a good slogan. Uncork pleasure. Yes, and it's better than fucking

think delicious or whatever. The future of delicious Delicious Uncork Pleasure What would be a shitty wine slogan like that? That's good Drink Divine

Oh, yes That's good Uncork Divine Drink Divine Oh yes That's good Uncork Divine Decant Decant Good Or something like that Uncork Different Yeah there we go Uncork different Yeah there we go

Uncork different For like a new wine company Like a natural wine company Or like a organic vegan wine company Uncork different Sip grape Oh gosh Shall we do some correspondence oh gosh shall we do some correspondence

yes read good read good email better correspond pleasure ring letters emails phone Correspond. Pleasure. Ring letters.

Keep the coolest emails. Phone calligraphies. Talking jacking. Your sister. Keep it fun. Keep it fun. Ring letters. Correspondence.

Okay. So. Kristen gets in touch Kristen? yeah wow oh yeah cool American maybe

yes maybe do you mean many Kristans? not many no it is quite an American name isn't it yeah maybe so Kristen Kristen that's firing on all pistons yes nice Maybe. So. Kristen, Kristen.

Firing on all pistons. Yes, nice. So the subject of this email is Yorso2000p. Oh, yeah. And she says, hello, Tweedle P and Tweedle Dung. I like that. Tweedle Dung is good. Praise redacted again. I've been meaning to tell you this story for a while

after a fellow listener wrote about the robbery during which he woke up and dismissed mid-sleep Oh yeah of course The first thing you need to know in my apartment at the time of this your incident Okay

There were three bedrooms and one bathroom with a second vanity outside the bathroom door. What is a vanity? Is that like a sink and a mirror? I think so, yeah. That must be it. This little nook sat parallel

to my bedroom door and perpendicular to the door leading to the actual bathroom. I like this description. It's very hard to describe to my bedroom door and perpendicular to the door leading to the actual bathroom. I like this description. It's very hard to describe layouts of rooms and places. This is very good. It's good stuff. Second, I like sleeping in a room as dark as humanly possible.

Yes, same. Same. I've got some very posh eye mask now. You too fear the light. It does not give me pleasure she says uh and i had achieved it in that bedroom managing to fix a small lamp to the head of my bed with a pull string switch oh wow wallet and grommet over here Very much so Now she says One of my roommates played in and also coached An ultimate frisbee team Oh great

This email just gets more and more American by the sentence And we had agreed to allow a few teammates To crash on our couches for a big tournament One summer weekend Were they at frisbee camp? summer weekend. Were they at Frisbee camp? I can't believe the Ultimate Frisbee is starting the Ultimate Frisbee Super League.

So unfair. It's not about the Frisbee anymore. So I agreed as I trusted she vetted the guests And she was an upstanding girl herself And I was working all weekend and would barely be home anyway The first night was fine

Annoying because I don't like people in my space But they weren't too bad Yet On the second night I come home rather early Around 8.30 To find four strangers in my living room Watching TV and chilling Okay They were not partying or drinking So I was pleased with the situation Around 8.30, to find four strangers in my living room watching TV and chilling.

Okay. They were not partying or drinking, so I was pleased with the situation. I'm pleased. Standing in the middle of four strangers. Yes, please. I'm pleased with this. Tenting your fingers. I then holed up in my room, closed the door, and had an early night. Nice.

I was awakened sometime in the middle of the night in my pitch black room and what by what can only be described as squirrel rustling noises. Oh. I opened my eyes and listened

again to make sure it wasn't a dream. And again, a rustling. Hello, I ask. No answer. Good. It must have just been my imagination. Rustle, rustle, again. I pull the string of my bed light. The door to my right is opened ever so slightly,

and to the bottom left of my bed in the corner a girl is squatting down and looking at me. No. Uh, get out of my room I say. Whoa. And then she speaks. I'm Spencer's girlfriend. And I'm

the oracle. I don't care get out of my room she stands and I see her pulling up her pants did you just fucking piss in my room no I'm Spencer's girlfriend I'm Spencer's get the fuck out Spencer's girlfriend Get the fuck out. Spencer's girlfriend.

She had peed all over my wooden floor. How powerful is Spencer? That's what I want to know. Maybe it's like saying you're a friend of Dorothy. You know, like that used to be a way of saying that you were gay, whereas this just means you're allowed to piss wherever you want. You know, like that used to be a way of saying that you were gay, whereas this just means you're allowed to piss wherever you want. Me putting a folded up banknote into someone's top pocket after I've pissed my pants in the cinema saying, I'm a girlfriend of Spencer's. Of course, sir.

Right this way. Of course. Forgive me. Not at all, dear fellow. So she goes, get out of my room. And then she says, I'm Spencer's girlfriend. I don't care, get out of my room. She stands up, pulling up her pants.

Did you just fucking piss in my room? I'm Spencer's girlfriend. I'm Spencer's. Get the fuck out. I like how she starts repeating it. I'm Spencer's girlfriend. I'm Spencer's girlfriend. Like she's only just discovered like remembered it she had amnesia yeah but she pissed it all out

I'm Spencer's girlfriend I'm Spencer's girlfriend I'm Spencer's girlfriend so she's peed all over a wooden floor I'm Spencer's girlfriend it's 3am and she says

I had to clean up some stranger's piss I did not do it quietly, and they were gone before I woke again. It was a mystery, as my roommate saw the gang before she went to bed too and confirmed they didn't seem drunk or on any substances. But she wasn't too familiar with these friends of friends anyway, so couldn't be sure.

My poor roommate felt so bad, but did not let anyone crash ever again. I never got a formal apology from the girl or Spencer, but I told my best friend about it And with the little information I had About this complete stranger She found her on Facebook

Whatever her name was We found out she is now married to Spencer And may they live happily ever after Koji I'm Spencer's wife That's her on the wedding day I'm Spencer's wife And do you now take Spencer

I'm Spencer's wife Well not yet actually I'm Spencer's wife And do you now take Spencer I'm Spencer's wife Well not yet actually I'm Spencer's wife Just pissing in the church I'm Spencer's wife Madam you can't do that I'm Spencer's wife how strange great story Kristen thank you for that

very nice and very American very American pissing on the wooden floor Spencer that's right I'm Spencer's homecoming queen I imagine on the wooden floor, Spencer. Yeah. You know. That's right. I'm Spencer's homecoming queen,

I imagine she said. I'm Spencer's love interest. We're going steady. That's right. I'm pretty sure did I read an email out a while ago about a guy called James inadvertently blasting our podcast

out of a bluetooth speaker I don't think I did I don't think so there's the one time that someone was a DJ at a party or something or had to play some music at a work do and played a bit of the podcast that i remember that one that wasn't like a a reception area or something this is in someone's flat okay no i don't think i don't think you've read this so

this is from james a founding father lovely and um he says uh i was listening to episode 81 earlier today while working from home, connected to Bluetooth speakers in my bedroom, when all of a sudden the sound cut out for no immediately obvious reason. I glanced at my phone to see that it had automatically connected to another device, the speaker downstairs in the living room

of my shared flat, which my flatmates were using themselves. In a matter of seconds, it became clear what had happened as I heard laughter from the room below. The exact and perfectly timed phrase that had interrupted their music was, quote, dipping her tits in a sluice and just reading a magazine.

You never know with music these days That could be a sample in the latest You know Stormzy I sound like a boomer just then So just something going like Dipping her tits in a sluice And just reading a magazine

Just suddenly Huge drop after Tits in a sluice everyone in the club but in one in one go tits in a sluice mouthing along to it before the drop hits and they all freak out here it comes here come visit the tits they're about to hit the sluice oh man did you hear that the about to hit the sluice. Oh, man. Did you hear that? The tits hit the sluice. That's a good phrase. The tits really hit the sluice on that one.

Hey, you don't want to be in the room when the tits hit the sluice. That was us talking about that vodka that famous people and models and like pour over their boobs and bum the boob vodka yeah sure and I was saying that for perfect mass production you just have to have a woman

with her tits dipped in a sluice as it just flows past in the factory she's just reading a magazine what followed was a hasty message from yours truly on the flat whatsapp group in the factory. She's just reading a magazine. What followed was a hasty message from yours truly on the flat WhatsApp group to confirm whether they had in fact heard that vivid description. Thankfully, the response was as follows. Haha, yes, we loved it.

Followed by, what are you listening to? And then finally, can you disconnect from the speaker, please? Who knows? Maybe I have inadvertently converted them To three of them To the church of dirty little boys and girls Maybe Keep up the good work and for the love of God Keep jacking it

Church is always looking for New congregants What do you call someone who's in a congregation Yeah congregants Congregants Yeah What do you call someone who's in a congregation? Yeah, congregants. Congregants. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we always are, yeah.

Yeah, see? There's congregants, see? Let us know if it worked, James, if suddenly hearing about the phrase tits and a sluice turned them into listeners. Yeah. Because if that's all it takes, then we've really been overthinking the marketing.

Well, we haven't done any marketing. But that'll be the marketing we pursue. Yeah. Absolutely. And one last little correspondence from Ali. Ali. Let's get Pally.

Without Ali. I think I've said Pally before, actually. Yeah, that's fine. She says, or he, but I think she. I don't know. Anyway, hello, PodBuds. The recent mentions of people who can't see images in their head has allowed me to write into the pod,

an event hither prevented by my ladylike lack of bowel misbehaviour. Ladylike lack of what behaviour? Bowel. Oh, bowel behaviour, yes. She says a lady. Lady like lack of what behavior? Bowel Oh bowel behavior yes She says She's a lady A lady? She says I have a very rare type of synesthesia

Called mirror touch Which means I physically feel visuals I physically feel visuals Wow Synesthesia My go to example is that if I see someone getting punched on the arm Then I will feel it on my arm Or someone getting touched on the cheek, I'll feel it on my cheek, etc

Oh wow, okay So it's like, it's a Quite a, oh that's why it's mirror Because it's Like for like, synesthesia It's not like watching someone get Getting punched makes you taste lemons. It's sort of empathetic.

Yeah, ultra empathy. This is too empathetic. And she says, It nicely explains my childhood refusal to be in the room while the family watched House. Yeah, surgery. House. Oh, God. Yeah.

Man, that's rough. Can you imagine Ali watching a boxing match? She just comes out of the living room just covered in bruises like, oh, gee, that was a rough one. They got me in the third round. Really laid into me there.

Should have got my arms up. What happens if you're just browsing the internet and you see a porn pop up Do you suddenly just go oh god That's a very good point and a very interesting question You're just harassed by it in the most intimate possible way Or Porn is extremely effective

Oh yeah of course It's like a mega power Wank different Pierre It's the future of porn wank different Pierre it's the future of porn wank different mind wank the future of horny

that's um the kind of magneto style nemesis of mechatine mind wank mind wank Mind wank He's got a big ship that's always circling the earth Mecha-teen And a big crystal ball Yeah

Yeah He's just in this giant He's in a huge fleshlight Shaped spaceship Orbiting the earth Just sat on this big chair With his trousers around his ankles Luckily for us down here on earth

Mind wank never gets anything done His strength was also his weakness He gets very excited about a plan And then tired and wants to go to sleep And distracted Yes yes God yeah Because it's not good for you to do too much of course You lose a lot of energy The dispute is that God, yeah. Because it's not good for you to do too much, of course.

You lose a lot of energy. The dispute is that he thinks Wang King should all be in the mind, whereas Mechateen is sort of robotic. It's a kind of magic versus technology. Interesting. Subtext. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then I guess...

So then Mindwank wouldn't be in a fleshlight. He would hate the fleshlight. Yes, he'd be in a fleshlight he would hate the fleshlight yes he'd be in a sort of perfect dome or a giant tissue box or something so Ali says happy to answer any questions from you curious unsynesthetic little mortals

hope this blows Phil's tiny little mind. Ali, Koji, obviously. Well, I guess we've touched on it. The obvious question to me is is it the same for pleasure? Will you feel something pleasurable if you see it?

Yeah, is it ever nice, I suppose, or is it a horrifying burden? And is it persistent? Is it always? Is it every time? suppose or is it a horrifying burden and is it persistent is it always is it every time yeah is there a way you can watch stuff and not have it ruin things or are you just you can only ever watch human interest story movies where all the action

is just dialogue based mmm and does it happen with sound if she listens to the archers does she feel like she's plowing a field or does she feel like the rest of us bored and annoyed it's come on. Yes. Yes. Yes, exactly. God. Ugh.

Yeah. Well, thanks for that, Ali. Those are basically our questions, I suppose. We'll see if we can think of any more. Well, that's sort of it, really, everyone. Good luck. Good luck with your weekly pleasures. Pleasures.

Of course, we're now allowed a couple more Plesios Than we were before So do enjoy those Plesios I'm off for my first My first outside Plesio today Pierre At the pub? At a Barcom restaurant At a Barcom restaurant? Yeah

Lovely Maybe I'll have a parent, I think I'll be my first parent Your first fresh Brimming pint of ale Foaming pint What are you going to get? A foaming pint of Of ale What flavour are you going to get Phil?

Pleasure flavour The flavour of Flavour yourself pleasure Flavour pleasure Yeah I will Nice one guys Enjoy guys

Hope you all have a good week And how about them Super Leagues How about that Super League Can't wait to not watch it. I don't know. If it doesn't happen. But here's to kicking out

money in sport. Let's kick out racism and money from football. There you go. Finally, yes. At the same time. Alright guys, much love. Keep jacking it. Bye bye.