BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 115 - Modern Matt

Episode Date: May 19, 2021

The boys discuss holidays, Kobe beef harakiri and do some correspondence from many Matts Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 115. One, one, five. One, one, five. We're gonna celebrate. One, one, five. We're gonna dance in. Budpod got me feeling so free. He gave me dancing and celebrating.

Budpod and fart with me. We're gonna celebrate. Yes. One, one, five. That great song. One, one, song um 115 staying alive that's right i'm staying alive we're all well you and i have stayed alive so far that much we can say we can say that much with certainty my dad i just got off the phone my dad in malaysia he he has had both vaccines. Both jibby jabs? Both jabberoonies.

How does he feel? He feels all right. Actually, he's a bit worried that he didn't feel sick enough. He doesn't know if it's taken hold. But apparently oldies are having less of a violent reaction to the jabs than the youngies. I guess youngies have a more sensitive immune system. Yeah, your immune system does decline as you get older.

Decline. It declined. Declined. Immune system declined. How are you feeling, Phil? Do you feel alive? I feel alright Yeah I feel alright I might have just a garden variety cold now though

You know all that All that jibber jabber I gave Of I haven't got sick since March Now I'm finally a bit like I forgot what this feels like You tempted the anger of the gods I did

They have decided to punish My What would the word be Hubris Hubris Hubris Hubris We all bris yeah a bris i think is when they circumcise a baby in the jewish i was just thinking i was just thinking we all bris is actually a jewish slogan

what are you saying it's like the equivalent of everybody poops. Yes. Look, we all bris. Look, who amongst us doesn't bris? Who amongst us wouldn't? Yeah, well, I feel all right. I've been trying to eat healthily in preparation for the Soho Theatre run to try and pour myself into my trousers. Ooh, la la, yes, please.

Flaunt my lovely pins, or whatever the British press would say about a lady. I'd love to open up the sun after the first night of your Soho run and see Pierre Novelli's all grown up in a pair of extra-large chinos and a velvet suit jacket. Pierre Novelli's all grown up in... My, hasn't he grown? Extra large chinos and a velvet suit jacket. My, hasn't he grown?

The... What were they? I don't know. The precocious 30-year-old poured himself into these suit trousers to do another run. You always have to say that. Yeah. The star of yeah.

The precocious star of Bud Pod. Yeah. Um, flaunts his, um, um, large amount of skin around London's glittering

Soho end trying to make his flabby and now weak thighs the toast of Soho Tinseltown I would like to thank all the pod buds who've been buying tickets it's pretty much sold out

so they've actually added extra dates oh super when are the extra dates the extra dates are 7th 8th 9th of June excelente Monday to Wednesday 7th, 8th, 9th of June.

Excelente. Monday to Wednesday, June 7th to the 9th. So if you couldn't make it this time, bod buds, those are some extra dates. Or the only tickets left for the run next week are standing tickets. So if you can't be asked to stand, if you won't stand for this, then sit for it in June.

June. June. Oh, I would now like to plug my live show, if that's okay, Pierre. Well, it's a kind of live show. I am recording my stand-up show, Philly Philly Wang Wang, for a streaming network video service stream provider Quibi Quibi's back baby

for one last job in the going long form but yes I am I am recording for a popular streaming service. Hence, it isn't Quibi. And that is on the 12th of June at the London Palladium. And there are still tickets available.

Nice. So please come and support me. I guess I would say it's a big deal for me. So I really appreciate some pod buds there. Yeah. Friendly crowd. 12th of June at the London Palladium. There are tickets on the London Palladium website.

Or you can go to philwang.co.uk. Ooh. Very nice. Straight from the horse's ticket-selling mouth. Nay. What a horse. What a horse. What a horse to sell tickets. What was that?

12th of June? 12th of June. 12th of goddamn June. It's all happening, Pierre. Life is returning. For now. Life comedy is back, baby. And we're all feeling fine about it.

It's going to feel like it's all starting again the comedy's starting from scratch which i'm quite excited about yeah because that's very much what my stand-up is like you go is he starting this from scratch at last the rest of the industry is down to my level. That's right. And all it took was a plague. You're like a guy who always had, in the medieval times, during plague times, you're like a guy who had huge boils all over his body anyway. Right, yes, yes, yes, that's right. So you're just looking around all these new people

complaining and going well well well well well well look what we have here looks like everyone is beginner standard like me i shouldn't under i shouldn't undersell myself like this i'm quite good actually yeah yeah phil phil. Yeah. Phil is appealing to the British section of the audience who correctly interpret this to mean he's actually very good. For those listening abroad, Philip is a very good comedian. And a nice man.

And a nice man. And an even worse boy. Have you eaten inside a restaurant yet? I haven't actually. No, I'm talking right out of my hoop. Wow. I'm doing a lie. I immediately thought of, for some reason,

the place that we often go for lunch after we used to record in person And then decided that that's the only restaurant in the world Why did I do that? No, I ate last night inside Oh, yeah Oh wow There was room at the Shum The Shum in King's Cross

No, the Shoreditch one, the hipster one Hello Was it nice? It was really good The human king's cross No the Shoreditch one The hipster one Hello Was it nice You have I saw on your Instagram Oh yeah I went to Q Deli in Soho Delightful Vietnamese stuff

And the only place where you can get Authentic Southeast Asian Style Clear soup served with your rice or noodle dish. Nowhere else does. It's so hard to find in the UK. You go in a place. I might have ranted about this before.

But you go in a place. You want to boil noodles. And you want some clear soup to wash it down. That's the Southeast Asian way. And you say. Even to East Asian people. They're like. Can I have a bit of broth?

And like. What? Wanton soup is eight pounds. No. No. And you say, even to East Asian people, you're like, can I have a bit of broth? And they're like, what? Wanton soup is eight pounds. No, no, just like a small, a small couplet of broth. And they go, no. And you go, I'll give you like a pound for a bit. And they go, no. But they must know what you're talking about.

What's happening there? I don't know. I don't know if the part of China they're from doesn't do it or the part of Asia they're from doesn't do it. Maybe it's more localized to Southeast Asia than I thought. Maybe it is. Maybe you'd have to just go, yeah, I wonder. It's like a broth chaser.

Yeah, a little broth chaser. A little cup of Bovril For the end of your meal Yeah They'd probably sell you Bovril more readily than broth What is Bovril? That's like a very British thing It's like beef stock as a drink

It's like beef tea, yeah I know And people just sell and drink it. Yeah. I guess, I mean, it counts as broth, I suppose. I guess. Phil, we've got to bring the different broth worlds together here. How are you feeling?

I'm alright I'm just prepping for Soho doing a bit of streaming and all the rest of it I've been yeah I've basically just been trying to it's a very interesting thing listeners when you're a comedian I recorded every

night of my Edinburgh Friends show and it's an awful thing to have to go back and listen, not only to your own voice, but to your own voice trying to be funny. Yeah. And you can hear yourself processing the laughs you're getting. Yeah. I can hear myself going,

hmm, this should be going better. Yeah, it's like a peep show meta layer that we have Yeah, but I've basically been doing a lot of that And I've been trying to I've been trying to find That ultimate sweet spot, Phil Something to drink a lot of

That isn't water But also ideally doesn't have too many artificial sweeteners in or sugar? Can I recommend Bovril? Not very sweet. You dip a little cow in a little mug. You get a cow's hoof and you

wash it in a mug and that's it. Like the cow's about to get some sort of wonderful what do they call it where you get your nails done? Manicure. Yes. I guess it would be a pedicure? That's true.

Yeah, I guess a cow can only get pedicures. What would you do if you walked past one of those nail places and there's just a herd of cows in there all having their shit done? Yeah, yeah yeah yeah um and they're like reading the the the dairy news the dairy mail the dairy mail yes yes the dairy mail and then that's it turns out that that those cows are the most expensive beef. That's waggy beef. Have you had Kobe beef? I haven't had any of the fancy beefs. Wow. I did in Japan.

I was in a mountainous, romantic, getaway valley region called Hakone near Tokyo. region called hakone near tokyo and hakone is connected all connected up with um a delightful little rail system it's like a tiny sweet tram that goes around hakone and there's one place i specialize in kobe beefsteak and we took a little tram and we walked up the little hill and this is some minimalistic kind of restaurant designed like a parasite could be in there, you know, the big glass. And we ordered some Kobe beef. And my

day, that Kobe beef steak was something else. It just... I'm salivating now. Can you hear that? Do you live up to it? It's so juicy. So soft soft it's like i guess you would say the consistent the texture is like you know frankfurter like a cheap frankfurter yeah a little more body than that

are we are we talking boiled frankfurter or notiled frankfurter or not Boiled frankfurter But it's also Beef but it's also like proper Beef a lot of marbling a lot of like That fat going through And Maybe you need to love frankfurters to

Enjoy the feel of Kobe beef in your mouth and I do love Frankfurters so if you like hot, Kobe beef is the meat for you. Now, sadly, I am like an aristocrat who's too poor to live in the royal court. In the sense that I have not partaken in any of the fanciest beefs. None of those rich, rich arguments for me. It sounds good, though. Well, it kind of sounds good.

Sometimes, yeah, fatty meats don't appeal to me, even though I love Fatty Meat's first album. Yeah, before he went electric. Before he started playing the electric tuba like some Judas him and Dylan yeah that's how but that's a little tram system this is the thing I yeah maybe I need to go on holiday when we're all

allowed to go on holiday yeah I'm toying with the idea. But then, like, you have to test negative before you come back. So, like, because you have to get a test there and then you have to be negative there before you're allowed back. And if I have a gig the next day, like, you know,

what are you going to do? Yeah, I suppose that's true. Yeah. Yeah, that's the trouble with being a freelancer you don't uh you're always at risk of fucking up some work if you go on holiday but then even if you have a regular day job do you have to give yourself an extra few days oh i guess if you can work from home you can just but then you might not even be able to fly back it's a thing so if you have a regular day job you have to to have a couple of extra days just in case you get... I suppose the reconsidering is exactly what the measures are designed to induce, right?

Yeah, yeah. We're supposed to be stroking our chins going, hmm, and looking at a big map of Portugal. Hmm, is this worth it? Is this shape of land worth it? And just trace the shape in your finger i like this shape but is it worth what do you think where would you go pierre huh where would you go oh um i don't know i don't i don't really go on holiday yeah yeah it's true i wouldn't because of what's happened over the last year or so i wouldn't want some kind of activity well you probably can't do many activities i don't i don't necessarily like a busy holiday oh interesting you just you just like to go on

go on the beach lie down yeah i mean i'm happy with maybe something one or two things every day but these people who are like they're going on holiday so they can be busier than they are at work i don't really get that yeah we're going on an excursion it's like oh okay well the last holiday i went on was in what oh no no that's not true that's not true the last holiday i did get to sneak out to... I did get to go to Sicily last summer when we were allowed out for a bit. Oh, yes. But my holidays are pretty...

I think I strike a pretty good balance between rest time and organised activity. Because you don't come to come back going, oh, actually, I didn't see anything. I might as well have gone anywhere. Well, that's true. I wouldn't go somewhere where I'm paying for the location to not have a location-y holiday. I wouldn't commit that crime.

If I was going to have a nothing-y holiday, I'd go somewhere nothing-y. What's a nothing-y place? A nothing-y place, like somewhere that was like It had like Three houses and a chapel until it was Designated as a very tourist area By a property developer who built a load of

Concrete anonymous hotels in the 1970s Oh okay Yeah yeah yeah, one of those places The local attraction is that there is A valley You could go to Siberia Maybe The local attraction is that there is a valley. You could go to Siberia, maybe? I'm talking sitting by the pool, baby.

Oh, okay. Yeah, fair enough. Siberia has stuff to go see if you bother to go to Siberia, though. You could go look at some sort of terrifying historical site or wolf hunting. I don't know. An old gulag when i say nothing i'm talking about the southern spanish coast little britain yes yes yes or any of the other countless sections of mediterranean coastline that have been colonized by people who want to run pubs that sell almost exclusively Guinness. Absolutely devastated. These places.

Yeah. Devastated. If I want to have a nothing-y holiday, I'm perfectly happy to go to a soulless concrete mega block with a pool and just sit there and read and eat. If that's the plan, then I'm happy with that. If I wanted to do some sort of excursion of any meaning then yeah you got to pay to go somewhere that has some stuff yeah

um what about you um uh i'm toying with the idea but again i've got i've got to come back get back for shows like the next day so i i don't know. It's tough. It's a toughie. But where would you go? Unlike delicious Kobe beef, which isn't tough at all. It's very tender. Almost like a consistency of a Frankfurter, I'd say. Phil wants to get

Kobe beef sent to him in the post, like some sort of threat. Yes! I want Kobe beef to sponsor us! That would be such an amazing sponsorship to land. You get a free case of Kobe Beef. You get a full cow.

A full pampered cow that we will slaughter at your home in Harakiri style to preserve its honour. We make the cow do it to itself well we get that we get the cow to commit some sort of public shame yes yes well all it ever does is fart and shit out in public i mean that isn't seppuku worthy I don't know what it is

do you think that if we pointed out to a cow that we could see it farting and shitting the whole time like it didn't know and the cow is just like what you could see that like it didn't know it wasn't supposed to and it didn't think anyone would notice like it thought it was getting away with it this whole time

oh I'm so embarrassed and it didn't think anyone would notice. Like it thought it was getting away with it this whole time. Oh, I'm so embarrassed. And it just clops off into a corner of the field and just like hides away. Oh, what must you think of me? And then the cow stops crying and looks over its shoulder. There is only one way out of this now. Gets its sword brought to it. Fetch me my grandfather's katana.

Another cow standing behind him as he does it to behead him at that moment. Gosh, we talk about Japanese people a lot on this podcast Yeah Is it because we grew up in the 90s? I guess so And there's just I think Japanese culture is just so nerd friendly And it's just so Unique and strange

That it would attract people like us you know i think so it's also a very internet culture from a western point of view that's it yeah yeah um speaking of internet culture i feel like we should maybe do a bunch of correspondence yes Yes, let's do that. Ring letters, emails, phone calligraphies, your sister, your best friend, ring letters, correspondence.

Okay, correspondence. Correspondence. We have a message from Alex. Alex. Our pal-ex That's right Is it a guy or a gal-ex Unclear Unclear

Hey PNP Glowing praise Redacted he says Or they say Oh right So they're self-redacting Now Glowing praise redacted, he says. Or they say. Oh. Oh, right. So they're self-redacting now. Oh, yeah.

Because remember we discussed that it's a thing Frank Skinner does on his radio show. Yeah. I always presumed that was you spotting that they had written a bunch of praise and you were redacting it. Oh, no. They've been self-redacting for some time now. They've been self-redacting. They've learned. They're learning. My God, they've been self-redacting for some time now. They've been self-redacting. They've learned. They're learning. My God, they're learning.

They're pooping. In Budpod82, Pierre asked about things that are better in movies than in real life, specifically with regard to smoking. Smoking better in movies than in real life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Smoking better in movies than in real life Yeah yeah When they smoke in movies they never go Afterwards

And they never go God that tastes awful Yeah They don't wake up like Water Water So Alex says I would like to submit aquatic sex to this list.

Yes. Yes, correct. By this... Okay, yeah. Let him explain. Everyone, let Alex speak, please. By this I mean doing the old horizontal hula in a bath, a pool, or God forbid, the sea.

Ugh. Yeah. Yeah, disgusting. Has an experience ever been so oversold by movies and books and the like pool, or God forbid, the sea. Ugh. Yeah. Disgusting. Has an experience ever been so oversold by movies and books and the like and yet been so uncomfortable, frustrating, and awkward in the real world of hard porcelain, gritty sand, and water

solubility? It is flat out impracticable. It's, unless you want to brine your genitals, there's no point to have sex in the sea. It's hardicable. Yeah. It's... Unless you want to brine your genitals, there's no point to have sex in the... It's hard enough having sex in the shower. You always think that's going to be sexy.

It never is. It's horrible. I mean, I always just thought... Whenever anyone has sex in a shower, I always just think, how many of you just die? Just slip and die. Just slip and crack your head open.

Yeah, water is a lubricant where it's harmful, i.e. on the floor to make you slip and fall, and apparently the opposite of a lubricant, where it would be helpful in the sexual act. It seems to be the opposite of a lubricant in the sexual act, but you'll make you slip and fall and crack your head open like a coconut full of blood

It's because Waterfill is a prude It's a prude that's trying to kill you Nature's prude Yeah Yes I just always think like Where should we have sex Well in the room of danger Slippery old room of danger.

Is the jet of water enough to cover both of you? No. Let's have sex in the room with the most hard surfaces in the house. And the most right angles and edges.

We're going to have sex in the hardest, pointiest, slipperiest room. We'll both be wet, but one of us will be cold. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alex says... I've given up on the old shower sex. Alex says, no, at bath time, I'd rather share a stogie and a robust discussion

of that day's Wall Street Journal and what those rascally communists are up to now. Yes, that sounds like a good bath. Very nice. A lovely sounding bath. Let's see. Oh, yes.

Thank you for that, Alex. Koji, he says. And Koji, back to you. We have another email from Matt Matt? Number weapons Matt? No, not number weapons Matt A new Matt has entered

A legion of Matts, each one Mattier than the last So many Matts You can strike down this Matt, but two more will spring up in his place A legion of mats, each one mattier than the last. So many mats. You can strike down this mat, but two more will spring up in his place. This podcast has more mats than a judo school. Or a shop that sells dull paint. He says, dear two boys one pod that's very funny that's very good have you ever seen two girls one cup i never ever watched it um i've seen i mean apparently the whole thing is like a proper full-length video so i haven't

i haven't sat down and enjoyed that particular cinematic experience but i've seen enough of the relevant bits when I was at school. I never saw the point of watching it. Like, there was those years where everyone was like, you gotta watch this beheading video, or

this shit gargling girl. Girls. It's like, why would I want to do that? But what's important is I know the cultural reference. Yes. Yes, you understand. Two boys, one part is funny.

He says, I was lured to the cast a few months ago by my brother on the promise of copious amounts of scatological humour. I'm happy to say you chaps have lived up to the billing and you're now my go-to staple listen on long drives, commuting, etc. Oh, great. Thank you for that, Matt.

It was on one such journey I found myself rocked to the core by an attack of the aforementioned Pootie SD. Afformentioned because it was the subject of his email, I should say. Ah. Ah. Yes. After listening to yet another harrowing fecal tale from a fellow podbud, I found myself searching the annals of my own run-ins with the porcelain throne.

Wonderful. Suddenly, suppressed memories of a horrific evening from my misspent teenage years came flooding back. The evening in question occurred at a small house party when I was around 16 or 17. Okay, okay. The host was fairly well off and had a small guest house that his parents had given over to us to stay in.

Ooh la la, lovely. In an attempt to contain the carnage that often comes with these sorts of gatherings. Hmm. The evening began in the main house, with the usual consumption of large amounts of terrible alcohol so beloved by teenagers, and repeated playings of Mr. Brightside. I drank so much Malibu when I was like...

I was like, I guess Malibu is my drink when I first started drinking, because when you start drinking, you need stuff that still tastes like juice, basically. Because you're not really ready. So I was like, yeah, I guess Malibu and Coke is my drink. I think you still drank it at university sometimes. Me? Didn't you? How dare you? I hope not.

Someone we know was a fairly big Malibu drinker at university. Right. I've got some sense memory of it. Anyway. Yeah, that might be true. However, as as with all bud pod tales the good times were not to last and were about to be rudely interrupted by the brown menace at around midnight i was struck with a terrible attack of the gut gripes to my growing horror i realized that these were no mere hints from my bowel to seek out a lavatory, but that a force-10 shitstorm

was about to blow through. Hmm. Options were limited. The downstairs loo was too often frequented by fellow partygoers. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah, you don't have to be the guy who stunk up the party, literally. My prolonged disappearance, followed by the inevitable fallout

Of such a storm wouldn't need Marple To figure out that I was the culprit A social humiliation I could not allow Yeah Miss Marple pointing accusingly at your anus It was him! And then the camera zooms in on your anus. It was him! And then the camera zooms in on his anus. Dun dun!

His anus somehow, for some reason, just goes, fine, it was me! And just admits everything. And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling marple. Upstairs was also off-limits as the host's parents were sure to emerge on hearing one of the rabble coming upstairs mmm

this is like a mission from is it one of those where the parents have very kindly said we'll stay upstairs like ghosts yeah we'll just haunt the upper floor Of this house While we presume try to finger each other In the ground floor

Of our house We will remain a looming threat The house where we raised you From babes For you to put a finger In a guest You put a finger up a guest you put a finger up a guest in your family

home for shame son for shame child this is like a mission from solid snake dispose of the yeah yeah yeah

yeah wrap it up sling it over your shoulder go prone on the ground someone smells someone smells it and it goes ring ring says my last hope was to retreat to the guest house and pray

the smell had dissipated by the time the party made its way across later. Ah, for the after poopy. That's right. Managing to sneak away, I hastily made it to the annex where I unleashed my tirade of brown waste. My initial trepidation was replaced by relief as I felt the cramp settle Safe in the knowledge no one was around to hear the bombs drop This was not to last Emerging from the ecstasy That such movements bring

I realized that in my haste I had made the basic error Of not checking the loo roll situation Yeah Yeah Always gotta check It happens to the best of us error of not checking the loo roll situation. Ugh, yeah. Yeah, always gotta check. It happens to the best of us. Being a mainly unused guest house, it was not equipped with so much as a shred

of the bum roll. Panic set in. Due to the scale of the stool and separation from the house, a clench and waddle bog roll hunt was out of the question. Clench and waddle. Oh, I hate the clench and waddle bog roll hunt was out of the question. Clench and waddle. Oh, I hate the clench and waddle. You never feel filthier than when you clench and waddle out of the bathroom.

No, no, it's everyone's lowest ebb. Yeah. Yeah. I like clench and waddle, though. That's like, I can hear someone from like, you know in a movie, it's like Special Forces before they parachute out of a plane. Clutch and Waddle. Okay, boys, Clutch and Waddle, just like in training. It sounds to me like an overpriced juice bar

that you only get in central London. Or those people who make money by selling an incredibly expensive mixer. Clench and Waddle. Do you have any Fevertree or Schweppes tonic? No, we only have Clench and Waddle. Pink Rhubarb. Ew. Scanning around the room,

I noticed that the female members of the party had thankfully unpacked and left their wash bags in the bathroom oh good I seized the opportunity and rifled through hopeful of discovering a pack of tissues it's like Mr Bean or something sadly the only disposable items I found were a lone

tampon and sanitary towel I was thinking a sanitary towel. I was thinking a sanitary towel, you could do worse than a sanitary towel, actually. It's almost what they're designed for. It's so close. So nearly there. With no choice, I put these

sanitary items to work. As feared, the scale of the poo was so great, they were simply not sufficient. And I had to resort to the plastic wrappers they came in to continue the cleanup. No! That's just moving it around.

Still, these were not sufficient. Yeah, no way. No shit. Yeah, and I had to resort to removing excess waste from the plastic with the already saturated tampon and sanitary towel in order to recycle said wrappers for further passes it's like this guy's trying to cement his ass shut

well he's putting cement on yeah yeah putting it on one of those little paddle things. Yeah, a little trowel, like a bricklayer. Yeah, a trowel, that's it. Yeah. This is great phrasing, but it's awful. Luckily, I managed to, quote, get the thick off.

End quote. To the extent that a withdrawal to the house Was now feasible After many many flushes The evidence of the crime disappeared And I returned to the party Luckily due to inebriation levels My protracted disappearance was not fully appreciated

And I was able to slide back into the swing of things When the party returned to the annex Later in the evening The scent had gone, although people were confused as to why someone had opened all the windows on a cold November night. And where all

the tampons had gone, I imagine. He says, I also made a hasty escape the following morning when questions were raised about the disappearance of certain sanitary items. Koji and Matt. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's a good story, Matt, and well done. You got away sanitary items Cody and Matt yeah yeah well it's a good story Matt well done you got away with it

that's important yeah you mission impossible doubt of it I was on the edge of my anus the whole time well done it's it's rare that you hear someone in such desperate circumstances kind of get away with it, solve it.

Yeah. I mean, that's a dirty sleep, though. You don't feel proud that night. That's not a proud sleep. It's an anxious one, too. I imagine he had a lot of anxiety dreams that night about being found out. Yeah.

But still, nice to have a happy ending. Yes, yes. ending Yes yes Well done You know what well done Well done We have a nice Little email here from Katie Katie Matey

The subject line is Not a poo story Oh okay Nice little variety matey I'm a matey Katie the subject line is not a poo story oh okay nice little variety the spice of life she says hi PNP I've been working my way through the old Budpod episodes during these quote

strange and unprecedented times in episode 33 Pierre mentions his visceral childhood reaction to those glass pebbles you can buy for aquariums mmm you wanna eat them? eat them collect them have them all please yes three, Pierre mentions his visceral childhood reaction to those glass pebbles you can buy for aquariums. You want to eat them. Eat them, collect them, have them all, please, yes. I wanted to own them and eat them, and for them to be inside me, but also for them to be in my hand and on my

eyes. You wanted to have your beads and eat them, Pierre. I wanted to have my aquatic glass pebbles and eat them. You wanted to have your pebbles and eat them, Pierre. I wanted to have my aquatic glass pebbles and eat them. You wanted to have your pebbles and eat them. And you can't do that. Although, if you eat some, then you still have others, so I guess you could.

Katie says, me too. In our family, they were called skimmers for some reason. And our parents happily bought them for me and my older brother to keep us happy while they dragged us around garden centers. What? So Katie would just be playing with the skimmers? Just these delicious looking pebbles, yeah.

Just sort of fondling them? That's what I used to do. I used to clack them in my hands like a gremlin. Hold them up to the sun. Some urge. At some point my dad gave us this magnificent box And she's attached photos It is a sort of very nice little

Initial leather bound treasure looking box thing In which to keep our skimmer and marble collection My friends and I used to pretend it was a box of treasure I still have the box Even though I'm 29 and it weighs an absolute ton And I keep it locked with a hidden key Part of me believes it is treasure And it's still nice running your hands through the skimmers. Love the podcast and Koji.

Great. Thank you, Katie. She sent us a photo of the inside of the treasure chest and my God, how it glistens. Is opening it like opening the briefcase in Pulp Fiction? Exactly. Exactly. is opening it like opening the briefcase in pop fiction yeah exactly exactly and just as worth killing people for i'm sending you a picture of the the skimmers on whatsapp so you can see them okay let me see let me see have a little oh yeah those are very nice some of them are just regular marbles it's a skimmers and marble collection

yeah they're lovely and I like how Katie has just dipped her hand in to pick a few up to present them taking a photo of it like that see yeah they look actually the more i look at them the more have you seen bird box no i haven't but when when when people in inside see the horrible beast outside oh yeah the pupils just go all like black and then they kill themselves oh yes that's right and um it's like that what looking at these

pebbles but nice but just going oh just as as your as your like lust for treasure increases yeah like a scene in a movie where a pirate is corrupted by the presence

of gold. These skimmers. I have to have them. It's like the One Ring. Well, speaking of, Phil, another Matt gets in touch. A further Matt? Another Matt. in touch A further Matt Another Matt Not that Matt Up to 47% of Budpod listeners are Matt

It's a Matt heavy podcast It is These are some load bearing Matts It's I mean Matt graphic They enjoy our material. It's no laughing matter. Okay.

So this is a very good subject line of Matt's email. It's a board of the rings. Oh, wow. What are the coincidences? Yeah. What are the coincidences? What are the coincidences? What are the chances? What a coincidence. What are the coincidences?

Matt says, TLDR, as in Too Long Didn't Read, I nearly lost a family heirloom in another person's bumhole. Sorry, just what's funny is TLDR has always made me think Lord of the Rings, because I think they're the same letters but in different order and without the O.

The Lord of the Rings. Yeah, TLDR. Yeah, the Lord of the Rings. The Lord of the like an Italian-American. The Lord of the Rings. The Lord of the Rings. The Lord of the Rings. So every time I see a long article and scroll down to the end and it goes TLDR, I think The Lord of the Rings. The Lord of the Rings. The Lord of the Rings. So every time I see a long article and scroll down to the end and it goes TLDR, I think,

The Lord of the Rings. This article is about the Lord of the Rings. No, that kind of works because it's like, is this article like, you know, this article is like, it's too long. Like, this is like the fucking Lord of the Rings. Did you think this was as long as Lord of the rings well let us summarize it for you then that works so uh tldr i nearly lost a family heirloom in another person's bum hole wow i think they're sexy times coming up or matt is a surgeon yes or a criminal

Matt is a surgeon. Yes, or a criminal. Yes, or he tried to sneak something into prison. Ooh, yes. Dear Pierre Novel Virus and Phil Owangutan. Very nice. I like Owangutan, yeah. A few years ago, I inherited a ring.

This sadly came from an immediate Family member taken before their time It was and remains a very Important heirloom within my family And an immediate link to both the departed And indeed my family tree Having been passed down to them before me Mmm Lovely I love something like that

As someone with a less than impressive track record Of losing things of value I cherished it with all my might. Mm-hmm. From the moment I put it on, I continuously checked, consciously and subconsciously, that it was still on my finger. It meant the world to me.

I did not, however, see an immediate need to resize it. Ah. Despite it having come from a larger-handed person than I. This would prove to be a mistake. Hmm.

In the few weeks following the death of my aforementioned relative, I was quite low, and as it happened I had a friend with whom I would occasionally indulge in some more than just friends' activities. Oh, wow. Matt, look at you. Modern Matt. Modern Matt

with his sex friend. Modern Matt. Goodness me. Anyone you know who has a friends with benefits you should go, well, aren't you a modern Matt? After a few weeks, presumably sensing that I was going through something of a tough time, they suggested that we meet up to enjoy ourselves and help me take my mind off things.

So far, so sexy, you might think. Alas, I would not be writing to Bud Pod were it so My friend and I were as compatible as a piano stool and a wellington boot What does that mean? Not compatible In terms of personality? Or is this like

So he continues Something I'm more than happy to admit was the result of my own ineptitude but we were still somewhat experimental Right Right, I'm not entirely sure what he means So he's saying they weren't really compatible with what they were up to but they still experimented

Okay Okay That is how on this particular evening I ended up with the aforementioned ring-laden finger In their bum Yes, yes You gotta experiment That's right

To their great credit My friend gamely encouraged a more thorough Evaluation of the situation with said finger Gamely Well aren't you a modern Matt? Until suddenly, disaster struck. It's up in there. Matt's wagging it about,

enjoying his modernity. That's right. Until suddenly, disaster struck Phil. Yeah. And he describes it very nicely in this little sentence here. It has its own line in the email. An unexpected puckering. Like it's an alien that feeds off rings.

A horrible version of Sonic the Hedgehog. A horrible version of Sonic the Hedgehog. One ring to another. Rings recognize their own. An unexpected puckering. As I felt the tension increase upon my finger, I, to my great sense of retrospective shame, recoiled a touch.

Wow. So the bumhole went... The bumhole went... And he went... Yeah, I mean, I suppose it's something you should be expecting if you stick your finger up a bum hole Yeah I mean It's not going to bite If you stick your finger

In a sphincter You shouldn't be surprised When it shrinkers Because that is an anus It's the fun game Of putting your finger in a bum. So the next time, stop and think-a. Yes. A sphincter will always shrink-a.

So next time, stop and think-a. Before you put your finger in a bum. Well, this is it. So he sort of goes and recoils and pulled my hand partially away. This is the precise moment I realized I should have resized the ring. I looked down and saw the indentation on my finger where the ring had previously been. The telltale indentation. Oh finger where the ring had previously been. The telltale indentation. Oh no, I thought.

We've discussed before in real life how funny it is someone saying, oh no. Oh no. Oh no. I followed the short length of my finger to see the ring perfectly framed by my unfortunate partner's hoop. Oh, amazing.

So it's up in there like it's scaffolding. Like it's holding the walls apart. Like it's saying to the finger, Go! Go! I will hold it open! It's like Spider-Man when he's trying to hold that ship together. Get out of here! What about you, Spider-Man? Don't worry about me!

Just trying to help farts escape, I suppose. A golden circlet circumventing the portal to forbidden lands, he says. Very nice. I wish we could afford the rights to play the same music that plays whenever anyone is being tricked by the one ring now, that kind of slightly high violin. Oh, yeah.

Looking like Boromir being tempted. That kind of elven whispering. Sparazzi periscarata. I never put a finger in a bum. Sphincter bum sphincter sphincter shrinker you should think that's what the elvish on the one ring

translates to is don't put this in your ass so Matt recoils away and there is a perfect golden ring just there in an anus in front of him. Fuck, he says, I thought. Now what? I paused, paralyzed by the thought that I might genuinely lose my most prized possession in the rear cavity of an old friend. Modern Matt.

What a modern Matt. That's another Lord of the Rings reference as well I could never I could never lose my ring in the anus of a dwarf What about a friend? I could do that Or elf Or whichever way around it is So he says there were only two options

Stick or twist i decided to put a stick in there that's right a stick or a twist lolly yeah i decided to twist with an adroit turn of hand not dissimilar to a master magician i took my finger flicked the ring out of its casing and back onto my finger It remains to this day It remains to this day my most adept sexual achievement

The ring fell down onto my finger and I hurriedly pushed it back down as far as it would go. Get down there! It would be fair to say the moment... Great reflexes. He's got a lot to compute and decide in a

very short period of time in a pretty heightened scenario. Time slows down in a scenario like that. Definitely. It would be fair to say that the moment, had there ever been one, had gone. My friend and I have never spoken of this moment. I hope, with every fibre of my being, that it remains unbeknownst to them. Yeah, I wonder if you...

I'm sure they probably just thought you still had a bit of your finger in there. Yeah. Although it would have felt like metal. Yeah. You do feel absolutely everything when it's in your anus. You feel absolutely everything When it's in your anus You feel absolutely everything around there Surely you'd feel a golden A golden hoop holding you open

I think you would You know what Pierre I think you would Maybe but maybe if it was holding you open You'd assume the finger had never left This is what I'm saying That's still the finger but I think your anus is so sensitive You could probably tell the difference

between between a finger and a gold, well a metal ring some people's anuses are so sensitive they use them to check the purity of the gold in the ring yeah like when the old timers used to bite on some gold yeah

they also used to shove it in their anus for a bit. They just go, boink! Yep, it's gold. Yeah, it's gold, all right. There's gold in their bums. There's gold in them their bums. Gold in them their bums. Gold!

Gold! gold I hope with every fiber of my he says my friend and I have never spoken of this moment I hope with every fiber of my being that it remains unbeknownst to them and yet many years later and still good friends I believe that they and I still share a secret a secret no less

that we might both take to our graves the secret that I nearly lost a family. A secret, no less, that we might both take to our graves. The secret that I nearly lost a family heirloom up their bum. Chins up, lads. Koji. Thank you so much for that, Modern Matt. Stay modern. He signed it off M. Do you think he doesn't want to be called Matt?

Well, too late now. We've said modern Matt about 5,000 times. To be fair, there's also so many Matts that listen to this. Yeah, yeah. You're going to get lost among the Matts. Yeah, I mean, you're in a crowd of Matts. It's like looking for a Matt in a Matts deck. Oh, yeah. It's basically Assassin's Creed when he sits on the bench being a Matt and listening to Bud Pod.

Do you think on their deathbeds one of them's going to say the other one's going to be like I always knew about the ring I always knew There should be a Bud Pod Matt convention did you say there was a Josh convention Yes yeah the Joshes

the Bud Pod Mats. A bunch of Joshes just got a random message or something saying Joshes must convene for the Josh fight. Yeah, yeah. And a little boy won the Josh fight. Yes, and you know what? I think it was rigged. Yeah, I feel like

there's no way that could beat all those grown Joshes. Yeah, some of whom who travel for miles, and therefore, you know, they don't want to go home empty-handed. I smell a rat, that's all I'm saying. Yeah. I smell a rat, and that rat's name is Josh. Yeah, hopefully the International Josh Committee

could figure this whole thing out, but maybe test the kid for doping. I don't know. But that's all we have time for this week listeners thank you very much for your correspondence all those mats out there yes um where would we be without mats we've been nowhere without mats god damn it whoa the rain has just started pouring heavy look at that holy shit i can hear it it's still dry here but it's it's still It's been thundering I finally understand the phrase coming down in sheets Holy sheets

Yesterday, I love the thunder Oh, it was great, wasn't it? Cleanse this city, I thought Cleanse Cleanse this filthy city Wash the blood out of the gutters Yes, well Maybe enough thunder and lightning will cure

Covid It's God's wrath or something You never know One plague ending another That's right So listeners don't forget Much love Phil 12th of June for the Palladium recording

Yep come see me on the 12th of June At the Palladium On the 12th of June Come and see me on the 7th, 8th, 9th of June At the Soho Theatre Make it a Budpod week Yeah have a lovely time Enjoy being in the venue

Being outside Much love everybody Cheers guys