BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 116 - Duvet Wife

Episode Date: May 26, 2021

Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie discuss the Punisher, duvet wives, sex education, sweet sixteens and the Kardashian Monopoly. Correspondence includes James' Nile Tea, UNFATHOMABLE deeds with soap, poo laughCome see Wang at the London Palladium June 12th and Pierre at Soho Theatre June 7-9th ! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 1, 1, 6, Sweet 116! I was just thinking Sweet 116. Did you ever watch Sweet 16 on MTV, that MTV show? Maybe we did, did we talk about this on episode 16? Oh, maybe we did. Oh, it made us furious, that show. Who's us? Like your family? Just the community. The community, society at large

Yeah, just very very rich Families just Destroying Their children's Sense of the world Like the most Irresponsible parenting I've ever Seen on television

In it's own way as devastating as the Truman show Oh yeah Happy birthday honey parenting I've ever seen on television. In its own way, as devastating as the Truman Show. Oh, yeah. Happy birthday, honey. It's your 16th birthday, so here's a Bugatti Veyron. Every 16-year-old should have a Bugatti Veyron. And they go, oh, it's the wrong

color! And you just think, these kids aren't going to make it. They aren't going to make it. You know what I find weird about about it the dads were always like well not always but by and large it was the dad spending all the money right yeah the dad sold landmines or something evil you know they were completely detached emotionally they whenever they appeared on camera it was like they could barely remember their children's names. They just seemed completely out of it,

just sort of dazed by business. Yeah. And their minds were completely elsewhere. Yeah. And any time their children started screaming, they'd just be like, okay, honey, and they'd just throw another 10 grand or whatever at it. Yeah.

The only thing they know is how to make tremendous amounts of money. And beyond that, they're just like, ugh. And that's what I found funny is that these guys who are like stock market sharks, like clever, savvy business types, were just completely at the whims of this insane Willy Wonka child. Yeah, yeah yeah she was the Veruca every every child in that MTV suite 16

was Veruca from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory it would always be like the dad would be like a stock broker or because it's America like the tile man who just sells tiles in Tennessee but because it's such a fucking big country they're a multi-millionaire yeah

the toilet seat king of Nebraska it's a good show though Sweet Sixteen shit they don't make TV like that anymore it's just Kardashians now we used to have all that insane reality television has been consolidated into one manageable family reality empire, and it's the Kardashians.

Gone are the Ma and Pa separated out reality TV violations of human decency. It used to be like every separate show was its own thing. I like the idea of an old man with a craggly face and dungarees in a kind of Dust Bowl American town

saying, well, time was we had four or five different disgusting families in this town. Oh, and it made us rich and he's all nostalgic well that was before the kardashians swept into town and bought everybody out time was you'd go in the back uh start shoveling and eventually you'd you'd strike family and he'd just come they'd just come shooting out of the ground and you'd go

well god damn and you'd call the Derek man in and you'd put in a Derek and pipe out the family into the TVs and that would be you and yours set for your life time was a man could feed his entire family by overfeeding one member of his

family get him nice and fat get a documentary made about him i used to feed my whole family by feeding a member of my family whereas the genius of the kardashians is that they have an overweight one but they also have the the rich ones. They have the thin ones. It's a one family fit, one stop shop for all your reality gawking needs. Mega Mart. And that's the genius of the Kardashians. Yeah.

They're the Walmart of reality TV. You don't need to go anywhere else. It's got America's Next Top Model in Kendall Jenner. It's got america's next top model in ken in kendall jenner it's got um instagram the biggest loser in the the big one i mean she's not by normal standards big by the kardashians i guess yeah but they and then you hooked on their the way they look and then she seems big because they keep telling you yeah brainwashing uh you got you got pop stars in there you got kanye west in there sometimes at least referenced yeah there's mtv cribs in there because you see the houses yes yes yes it's genius

very clever yeah they're very clever they're they're the the the ford company basically yeah well we live in an age of henry ford of reality tv yeah we live in an age of monopolies yeah facebook and youtube and google and um the kardashians and uh the train systems in the uk and paypal yeah everyone has to use fucking whatsapp social media yeah it's an age of monopolies it's like the 1890s again we're just like a guy called like vanderbilt owned every train we gotta you know what i'll say we need a presidential commission to break up the kardashians well i mean oh yes yeah we what what were the what were the laws that broke up the

old industries of steel and all that it was Roosevelt Teddy Roosevelt, the trust buster is his nickname the trust, yeah I mean they're talking about doing that for Facebook now they've got to do it, they've got to just break it up into racist Facebook, crystal Facebook

party Facebook crystal Facebook oh as in like hippie facebook yeah yeah yeah crystals facebook racist facebook party invitation facebook um attention birthday birthday reminder division the only the only relevant one birthday division yes frank wachowski birthday division yeah but yeah break up the kardashians um into into smaller subsidiary kardashians yeah and then they have to compete and they have to be made public We can all buy a Kardashian We can all get together And buy a Kardashian

Invest in a Kardashian Yeah A car in every driveway And a Kardashian in every pot Pot of investment of course An investment pot Yeah yeah yeah Me and everyone else in the neighbourhood formed a syndicate

And we bought ourselves a Kardashian Like a big tractor Speaking of reality Last night You and I had our first dose of the old reality We were at the Soho Theatre in London In person Oh boy

Sunday night I did a little half an hour before you Phil at the Soho Theatre in London in person. Oh boy. Oh boy. Sunday night, I did a little half an hour before you, Phil. You did your hour to get ready for the Palladium on the 12th. That's right. Is it? That's right. On 12th of June is Palladium, yes. That's right.

And then last night, Monday the 24th of May, 2021, I did my first night of my Soho show. The first hour show I've done since August 2019. Wow, that's nuts, isn't it? Crazy. It was good. Didn't see the rust on you. It was great. Yeah, you smashed it. Good night. Thank you very much. Thank you for coming.

It was just Phil there. It was just me. I bought all the tickets as a power move. Yeah, yeah. I came on stage and every empty seat was covered in rose petals and it was just Phil with a knowing smile on his face

lit by a single candle on a cupcake. Yeah, man. No, it was good fun. I was pleased with how it went. It just felt weird to be doing it again. We're back, baby.

There are a few pod buds in? There were some pod buds in. Thank just felt weird to be doing it again. We're back, baby. There were a few PodBuds in. There were some PodBuds in. Thank you, PodBuds, for coming in. You gave us a nice cheer. I don't know if the PodBuds knew that you were there. You were like... I don't think so. I was incognito in my mask.

Yeah. I mean, everyone was in a mask. You were like Alfred in Batman. What? I'm just keeping the car running. No, no, no. Like at the end when they're in that mask. You were like Alfred in Batman. What? I'm just keeping the car running. No, no, no. Like at the end when they're in that cafe. Oh, I see, I see, I see. Maybe I was Alfred and you

were Batman. Yeah, I think I'd be Batman. Yeah, because I saw you and I didn't tell anyone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And you just had a little espresso and winked. yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and you just had a little espresso and winked that's rude isn't it the end of uh the dark knight rises after all their time together he just gives him like uh like that sort of that smile you give to someone in in a building where

you work or something but you don't know each other you just give this sort of that's a flat smile and the upwards tilt of the head. Yeah, yeah. And it's like, oh, don't worry about it, Batman. It's only the guy who raised you. The fuck is wrong with you, Batman? But yes, that's all this week, PodBuds. And there are still tickets for the extra date,

7th, 8th, 9th of June Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday Like a pick-up artist Pierre has got some extra dates Like he's just finished the game Pierre's got himself some extra dates Like a prosperous Middle Eastern farmer

After a good rainy season, I've got some extra dates like a shit calendar i've got some extra dates um i think those are all the dates yeah it's good to be back at the theater yeah i realized i think i hadn't seen a show there since 2019. Probably not, right? Everything's been dead. Everything's been destroyed. And it was funny.

I'm not all that sentimental, I guess. I don't miss things. I'm very much out of sight, out of mind. If something's just taken away in its absence i don't miss it i sort of feel i almost don't have object permanence in that sense i sort of forget it ever existed but when i'm reintroduced to it i realize i missed it so when yeah i was back there i was like oh yeah i remember this this was nice this used to be so nice

like saying hi to the staff like oh it's good to see you again it's been so long and all that then i was like oh yeah this is nice and i think that's i think i'm lucky i think that's the kind of a best of all worlds where i don't suffer in the absence of things i value but when i return to them i appreciate that i did miss them on some level you know i mean yeah i think i have a very similar thing. It's almost like you realize you were missing it without realizing. Yeah. But you only realize that when the missing is over. Yeah. Why is that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that because we're... Are we robots? Are we robot people? Are we not passionate people, Phil? I feel like it's... I think like living in different places, you don't see people who you're ostensibly close to

for long periods of time, be that members of extended family or... I remember for a long time, my mother studied in the UK, so just for ages, she wasn't with us. Yeah. And that became normal and you made friends who you then left.

Yes, that's true, yeah. And made new friends. So I think you just kind of learned to compartmentalize maybe. Yeah, you can't... You get a bit immune to wistfulness. That's it. Yeah, you become... You get a wist vaccine.

Become a ruthless international boy. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's probably right, because I was just thinking of all the most, like, wistful, nostalgic people I know, and they're all very much... Almost all of them are from, you know, one place, or are very rooted in a place.

That's it. That's it. Yes, very good. Yes, I think that's... I like that theory and I will steal it and say it. Like I have friends who are like, you know, who grew up in a specific place in the UK and they're like, I need to see my parents.

I need to see them. And I'm like, I miss my parents, but I can't see them. So I'm like, I miss my parents, but I can't see them. So that's that. And I find it strange that people can't just go, oh, yeah, so that's that. I don't have the option. And you deal with it.

Yeah. Yeah. I had that. I think you're better at that than I am. But I got a lot better at it in the first lockdown where I just had to sort of watch contentedly as God's big finger came down and flicked away everything. Just going

boink, boink, boink. Just all like Melbourne Comedy Festival and that thing we were going to do, you and I. Yeah. Just doink, doink, doink, and you go, alright, well, God's big finger's come, so I guess we just wait until he gets bored and leaves. Yeah. Just doink, doink, doink, and you go, alright, well, God's big fingers come, so I guess we just wait till he gets bored and leaves. Yeah. I think that's...

I think it's healthy, though. I think it's something that people work at if they don't have it. That's true. Yeah. Do you know... That's true. There's also a certain type of person, and they... There's a certain type of person who can't deal with disappointment, or who can't deal with disappointment

or who can't deal with not having that ideal situation all the time. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, well, they feel the anguish all the time, even though they know that there's no use in that. There's nothing to be done. Yeah, exactly. When there's nothing to be done, you just go, oh, all right.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. It's a skill, though, to turn off the anguish part of your mind when you need to. It's acceptance. Is that what we're talking about?

Turn off the anguish, boys. Shut her down. Is that acceptance? Are we talking about practicing mindful acceptance? Is that what this is? I think we might be. I think we are talking about acceptance. Yeah. I always try and tell people to practice acceptance.

I've done it in stand-up, but it sounds a lot like just allow injustice to happen. And it's quite difficult to separate the two things you know yeah it's it's it's it's harder because it's the exact opposite of the message of all social media yeah right now which is to resist resist yeah i like that i like the resistance with mindfulness is like resistance can usually make things worse so yeah you need to know when to practice acceptance i uh i like the i like the donald trump resistance thing the idea that at some point we're all gonna dress like french

revolutionaries and just shoot him yeah yeah where did all the talk of resisting donald trump end up an election that he lost yeah you mean that like like was always going to happen an election like that was always going to that was scheduled to happen yeah and all the people who talked about resisting the most didn't want to vote for joe biden that's true exactly they wanted to resist donald trump in every single way except the way that got rid of him except the one feasible way of getting rid of him Of resisting him in the most meaningful way. Yeah. I was going to say, have you... This is just something that... Have you ever done this thing where you just keep watching a show even though you don't like it?

No, no. I mean, I've watched shows where I'm like, I could take or leave this, but fundamentally it's getting me going. But no, if I think something's crap, I just don't watch it. There's no time. I think...

I don't know if I think it's crap. That's it. I got very far with Gotham. Yeah, yeah. That is the perfect example of what I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah. But as big a batman fan as i am even i could not finish gotham there's only there's only so far you can tolerate every episode being yet another fucking origin story where a guy called Harry question mark goes riddles eh

and he picks up a book of riddles wow these are great ok I get it I get it he's the riddler Jesus yeah or like

a little kid at the zoo looking at the penguins and stroking his chin yeah Gotham was essentially like Batman babies and no one wants that no one wants to watch that and it was so campy

in moments of it it was like no you're supposed to be really afraid of this person and I was like but he's like a he's like such strong drama student vibes from everyone in the cast yeah yeah so you did watch something oh i watched some i had the same thing with gotham i'm having it at the moment with the with on on netflix the punisher oh yeah i didn't even try that i watched i watched all the I watched all the Daredevil Which is really good

And the first series of Jessica Jones Which I think is the best The first series of Jessica Jones Is fantastic Is it? It's so good I think it's the

I think it's the best Marvel series I've not seen many But I think Jessica Jones Season one is fantastic Okay Okay Maybe I'll give that a go. Punisher I never tried.

I didn't try Punisher. Because the Punisher, Phil, I can't emphasize this enough. In every episode, each episode is an hour long. Oof. Huh? Oof, I said.

Oof. Oh, yeah. Each episode is an hour long. It's a Netflix series. But half an hour of each episode, I think, at least half an hour of every hour is just wife dead wife flashbacks yeah endless like you know how the equivalent in batman is his parents being shot in front of him yep every single time yeah every single movie

like it's just it's just the opening, essentially. Do you think in thousands of years people will be like, well, in a traditional Batman, the start is the ritual killing of the parents. And this is a time where audiences would go and buy food or go for a piss. It morphed into a break, which is why in the breaks, in our holographic movies, there's always two people dressed for the opera

being shot in an alleyway. That's where that's from. Isn't that interesting, kids? So The Punisher, though, it's every episode. It's like if the mugging happened in every episode of Gotham. Right. You'll start a new episode of The Punisher, and they've got a slightly fuzzy filter on the lens and the Punisher,

a horrible man, like an awful, cruel, murderous man is sort of going, Hey baby, I love you. And kind of waltzing with a woman in a wedding dress. Seems to be glowing.

Yeah. Every, every time there's a these superhero things where there's a gruff gruff anti-hero male lead the flashbacks to their wives are like

there's no way they were married the daintiest loveliest satin clad blonde Disney princess was out with... I'm going to fucking kill you. I'm going to kill all of you. Murders McGruff.

Murders McGruff. It happens in... It's in fucking... What's the other one? The Boys as well on Amazon, which is a great show. But even in that's the other one The Boys as well on Amazon Which is a great show But even in that His wife is also like

Where do they meet Where do they even meet Was she his council Was she his social worker How do they meet They always describe the wife as being feisty And like oh she could keep up with me but in the flashback she's just going oh like baking cookies and smiling and

hugging and kissing and and he's like and he's spending spending forever under the duvet just spending forever smiling under the duvet smiling under the duvet in blaring sunlight so bright it's so bright that the sunlight has gotten through what how many togs is the duvet in blaring sunlight. So bright. It's so bright that the sunlight has gotten through. What, how many togs is that duvet? Like, five? And the sunlight just pierced right through it? It is a tog. How hot are these people?

Yeah, and they're never sweating, and they're always just, like, smiling and breathing into each other's mouths. So how fun is it to just smile under a duvet? and breathing into each other's mouths. How fun is it to just smile under a duvet? I've seen couples in love and the cornerstone of a loving relationship is no one ever says, oh, well, every week we make sure to spend at least three hours a week

smiling under a duvet. It kind of, yeah, like the sort of pyjamas that an angel would wear in a bed in heaven. Sort of flowy, pure white. And only on sunny days. Yeah, only when it's lovely outside do we stay under the duvet. When it's raining, we go out, I guess.

Yeah, then you can have a flashback to us dressed in the rain kissing or something and then that's another nice flashback but it's it's it's always just yeah floaty floatiness in in bright white light as if they're already dead um and the trouble is that this happens in just every episode of the punisher yeah he'll he'll he'll trip down some stairs and knock himself out. He go, here we go. He's unconscious.

We've got a fucking 10 minutes of him chatting to his, his dead wife. He keeps sort of saying mysterious things like come home and stuff. Is it ever pertinent to what he's trying to do? Does she have some information that he forgot? No, it's not even like psychic powers. It's literally just remember me from last time?

Yeah. I'm the reason you're murdering all these people. I think it's I think it's almost they're doing it out of worry because he does kill people so horrifically. Right, right, right. Because that's the whole point of Punisher is that it's just it's like Saw, basically. It's just like gore porn. Yeah, you're not

supposed to even like him but they keep going oh shit do you think the audience remembers that this is because his wife is dead and it's like yeah we remember is it worth it for the horrific kills I'm hanging on by my fingertips to be honest

there's a couple I'm hanging on by my fingertips, to be honest. Okay. There's a couple of things that make it good. There's some absolutely awful performances in it. Yeah. It's weird how Marvel, they've been pretty stringent about quality control across the universe. But they kind of, like, seem a little less bothered with some of these series.

You know what I mean? I think, so what's interesting to me about the dialogue and the plotting in The Punisher is that the plotting is pretty good. But the dialogue is, like, the dialogue is perfect for what it is. And what it is is utterly unexceptional. Okay. It's so exactly the dialogue that you would predict that it is. As in, like, just there to reiterate the character's motives

and give him a lead as to where the guy he wants to kill is. It's exactly what people who are watching The Punisher want, I suppose, is what I mean. When he meets up with his old army buddy and they go, you son of a bitch. It's all there. It's exactly

what you would want from The Punisher. But that in itself makes it extremely surreal. exactly what you would want from the Punisher but that in itself makes it extremely surreal when he meets up with his army buddy is he there first and the army buddy says something off camera

when he's trying to order a drink he's like better make it a double after the thing he's seen and he turns around and he's like good to see you again, Minch. Minch? Yeah. Minch.

I don't know. What's his name? What's the pun of his name? Frank. Frank. You always did like to drink like a bitch. You're a bitch. Good to see you, you bitch.

It's always something to do with what he's ordering yeah you still can't drink like a man frank castle my god and it's these two people with weird haircuts going and then he drinks too much and passes out and then we're in for another 15 minutes of dead wife time it's two people who still have army buzz cuts even though they haven't been in the army for decades they just love the haircut apparently yeah Frank

Castle a man who is on the run forever and refuses to ever stop looking exactly like himself wouldn't want to damage the brand I feel like the Punisher is like, episode one is great fun. And then after that, you kind of go, is it one of those? Yeah.

And also, it's interesting watching it, knowing that the Punisher has become this incredibly toxic symbol in America. There's a big thing in the states with like cops having like the Punisher logo badge on their uniform or on their car oh really yeah yeah yeah it's a real thing

and sometimes people in the military and stuff where they're so horny for the character they're like yeah sometimes you just gotta shoot a shoot a guy in the face

yeah like they take exactly the wrong message from it and they see him as a kind of hero to the point where the people who make the comic books have had to try and address it

oh wow it's a big problem it's interesting to watch a show where you're just constantly having to watch a guy who inspires far right vigilante justice waltzing with his dead wife so you reckon

that's why they keep reiterating yeah they keep going no no it's because of his wife it's because it's because of his wife he's not a member of a militia or something but then all the plot lines like like you can tell they were aware of it and the plot lines are like no no no it's actually it's other people who are even like more horrible in his own team in the government he's fighting so you shouldn't think ah but it doesn't work people are still like yeah shoot that guy

yeah well they can't have their cake and eat it because that is part of the appeal yeah I think so I think the entire Punisher series if you cut out the flashbacks would just be one episode yeah someone should do a super cut a super cut of all the dead wife flashbacks and like

and and like i was gonna say they do the having sex flashbacks and it's it's just her riding him in a really nice gentle way oh really yeah as if to be like no this is lovely and nice as opposed to like a dead wife flashback where he's just railing her going which probably wouldn't work yeah this this guy who gets horny killing people he's just he just he just likes gentle sex really he's like he likes her to be on top he's a real starfish you can set the pace yeah he's a real starfish he just lies there do you ever play max pain oh i i watched my friend play max pain they do they do dead wife vigilante stuff they do it well yeah that's it's really good in Max Payne. It's such a strong genre. Angry man with dead wife is such a powerful genre.

Yeah, I guess it's kind of an ancient one, too. I mean, Pierre, really, it all goes back to... Shit. Is it Persephone? It's the Greek myth where Hades takes a guy's wife. Yeah, Persephone, yeah. And he goes down to the underworld to get her. It's just that.

There are only five stories. Is that what Kurt Vonnegut says? There are only five stories. The Punisher is one of those stories. Man versus God. Man versus himself. Romance, tragedy, Punisher.

Smiling on a duvet. Smiling on a duvet. Smiling on a duvet wife. Is that a type of wife now? I want a duvet wife. Yeah, on dating apps now, you say, I'm looking for a duvet smiler. I'm looking for a duvet smiler. A lot of guys

these days want a kissing in the rainer, but I want a duvet smiler. A lot of guys these days want a kissing in the rainer, but I want a duvet smiler. Yeah, yeah. At the date, the guy brings a sample of his duvet fabric and just places it behind her head just to see how it looks. Yeah, with a with a ring light trying to get that sunlight effect ah this is working this looks good yes very nice i can see myself flashing back to your death for decades

what do you think um what do you think our flashbacks would be, Phil? If we were murdered by corrupt CIA agents, rogues? If we were murdered, well, we wouldn't have flashbacks. No, but what if we were the wives? Oh. What do you think? I think me would be like eating something and then dropping a bit of sauce onto my trousers and going why do i always do this because i do always do that it's so annoying always the same fucking spots on my

trousers drop a bit of sauce and it's always a day i've got to go somewhere i've got to look presentable yeah my my flashback would be me swearing at some scrambled eggs. Because they won't cook it, then they cook all at once, and now you've got a lumpy omelette? Yeah, they're going like, well, the bottom's like an omelette and the top is too soft. Really brightly lit. Yeah, just all swirly and I'm all dressed in white like an angel, like a big white suit.

Like a Morgan Freeman in Bruce Almighty. Like I'm playing dressed in white like an angel, like a big white suit. Like a Morgan Freeman. Like I'm playing God in a play. Going, are these fucking eggs? I had to wake up early this morning Oh yeah

For an important early morning appointment In the city And it was one of those early mornings Where you're like I set an alarm And I brought I exercise very good Phone hygiene in my bedroom

My phone doesn't come into the bedroom when I sleep I charge it outside But Even though it's very bright under the duvet gene in my bedroom my phone doesn't come into the bedroom when i sleep i charge it outside okay but um uh even though it's very bright under the duvet if you turn it on um i but but this was a morning i was like i have to wake up so i said to my sister wake me up tomorrow and i put on my alarm wake me up alarm and i put on my phone two alarms Put it on the other side of the room So I would have to get up and walk over to turn it off And of course I just woke up straight away

No of course I woke up an hour before I needed to Because I needed a bit of a wee Fucking Ridiculous You had to do a completely Unimpressive Quite dark wee A complete journeyman's wee ridiculous. You had to do a completely unimpressive, quite

dark Wii. A complete Journeyman's Wii. The kind of Wii you'd go, I could hold this for an hour and a half if I have to. Why was I woken up for this Wii? That kind of Wii. I wouldn't even risk missing a

tube train if there was another one coming for this Wii. Yeah, yeah yeah this Wii would not hurry me at all in any other situation but now that I know I've woken up for it body I know you're not going to let me go to sleep until I get rid of it you've got me

you got me and my body always decides to it knows when I have to wake up early and it'll like some over eager idiot it'll wake me up an hour before I have to wake up early and it'll like some over eager idiot it'll wake me up an hour before i have to wake up which is the worst possible time because it's like near enough the time that you can't really relax into falling asleep again yeah but far enough that it's but far enough that it's stolen a substantial amount of sleep from you yeah on the day you really needed

it's fucked up a rhythm terrible it's definitely fucked up a rhythm yeah that's the worst but it's your mind being so worried yeah isn't it well I can't I have to wake up and your body goes okay and just does it for you it is quite impressive that yeah I mean sometimes it's creepy when you like you wake up

a minute before you set your alarm that's pretty fucked up I find that very odd. I'm not sure how that occurs. That's a spookay. An internal clock. Would you, Phil, like to hear some correspondence?

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. Ring letters. Keep emails. Phone calls. Talking to your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister,

your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister,

your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, correspondence. Okay, we have a message from James. James. He's not lames.

Quite right. He knows the games. He knows the games. He says, Hello there, Pierre and Phil. My name's James, and a day one bod-pudder. My name's James.

My name's James. I started listening whilst hiking the Casino de Santiago in Spain. Wow. What a place and time to start listening to BudCott. I don't know. It feels completely at odds with outdoors exercise, this podcast to me so he says, after hoping to find poo fame for many months

now, I finally decided to send in my correspondence on a quick note I'm from Cambridge, not smart enough to attend, I just live there and I can confirm the bloke with the radio attached to his bike still makes laps of the city centre oh, does he, still? apparently

god, that radio is like i was always wondering where he got it from it's like a boom box from 1982 it was it was such an old boom box it still had corners like sharp corners and edges yeah yeah mad um so he says my toilet story uh is named sphinx beforeinks. I like that a lot. That's excellent. That's like the name of a Simpsons episode or something. Yes. Around Christmas time, 2009.

My mum and dad decided to take me, 10 years old at the time. What a young man James is. 10 years old at the time. What a young man James is. 10 years old? So he's... He's a millennium boy. He's 21. Yeah. Millennium boy, millennium boy.

Take me on a trip to Spain to hike with James. Nice, nice. Thank you. Very good. Around Christmas 09, my mum and dad decided to take me, about 10 years old at the time, and my sister away to Luxor in Egypt. Luxor? I've never even heard of Luxor.

It's a site, it's near all the ancient stuff. Oh, yeah. Yeah. We had arranged to live in a local's house, so it wasn't bougie in any manner. Okay. Authentic. Airbnb before Airbnb. Yeah.

A couple of days into the holiday, a man who worked for the owner of the house asked to take me and my dad out on his boat in the River Nile. Oh, authentic. So authentic. Lovely. Oh, authentic So authentic We stopped after a short while In our journey on the boat And he offered us a cup of tea

Which we kindly accepted Lovely I like that he's calling His acceptance of the tea kind Yeah I'm kindly accepting You're welcome for accepting this Well, even at the age of ten

I thought it was strange that he was filling the kettle up With water from the Nile Oh no Which we had seen people throwing rubbish and all other things into Yep, yep My dad stared me down And mouthed to me Throw it over the boat

Ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha to me, throw it over the boat. That would be a good flashback for your dead wife. Throw it over the boat. Yeah, she died of shitting herself because she drank Nile tea out of politeness. I'll never forgive myself.

So, he says, my dad stared me down and mouthed to me, throw it over the boat. It's quite right. It's a funny thing to mouth to a 10-year-old boy. Yeah. Throw it over the boat, over the boat son like they're

like they're in the last of us this responsibility that's too great for such young shoulders he has to survive he has to learn quick that's it so he says quite rightly he didn't want me getting ill it was it was just a shame that I thought he said...

I thought he said, Drink it, it tastes nice. How hard you can use that. Throw it over the boat. I can't even... Those aren't even the same vowels. That's a... Throw it over the boat is a lot of O shapes, isn't it? Throw it over the boat. That's not even the same vowels. Throw it over the boat has a lot of O shapes, doesn't it? Throw it over the boat.

Drink it, it tastes nice. Drink it, it tastes nice. Drink it, it tastes nice. Do you know the only way this makes sense to me? As if his dad is Adam Buxton. Drunk attack, dice, dice, dice. The only way it makes sense to me is that often when a stranger offers you something and your parents mouth something at you, it's like, take it and be a good boy, you know?

Yeah, be polite, be nice. Yeah, be polite, come on, you know? So probably like instinct just took over. Yeah. So his dad's mouthing, throw it over the boat. And he's seeing, drink it. It tastes nice. And he says, and it did taste really nice.

Well, there you go. A few days later... Probably all that delicious rubbish. Yeah. A few days later, I started getting the shits in our house and feeling a little dodgy, as you would expect. One of the activities we wanted to do while in Luxor was visit the Valley of the Kings.

Ah! This is where they're all buried, isn't it? This is where Twin the Common was discovered, right? Yeah. Is it? Yeah. When we arrived, my dad got a call from our neighbor at home saying the boiler had exploded, which dulled my parents' mood.

But after that, we had a great day looking around the tombs, and then I started to feel ill again, and to put it frankly, I shit myself in the Valley of the Kings. Because there isn't much more to it than that. P.S. If my sister is listening to the episode 2, I'm pretty sure she also had the shits Much love, James I think that's an old spiritual, isn't it?

I shit myself in the valley of the kings Like a hymn? I shit myself In the valley of the king Yeah, definitely Yeah And the king came down And spoke of my bad deeds.

And then also very spiritual, like, I drank that tea straight from the Nile tea, something drinking from the Nile. That's the very Old Testament. Also very sassy current Twitter. I drank that tea. You heard the latest Nile tea? I shit myself.

Yes, drink the Nile tea. Drink it, it tastes nice. You'll shit yourself. Yes. Throw it over the boat. Go to the Valley of the Kang. Yes, Kang. Valley of the Kang.

Valley Queens. Drink it, it tastes nice. Throw it over the boat. Drink it, it tastes nice. That's funny. I don't know what his dad's reaction was when he just watched his son drink it, despite what he just said

Maintaining eye contact Like we need to talk about Kevin Like this Psycho kid just like oh yeah Oh would that ruin your holiday for me to shit my pants Ah Delicious More please

Son throw that over the boat And just slowly Nodding Chilling Carmel gets in touch Carmo Carmo Carmel

Carmel Carmel Like how Americans pronounce caramel Yes, that's always confused me Do they spell it caramel Or do they actually spell it carmel I think they might even spell it carmel Which is, and they also

They say Craig Instead of Craig And they say Graham instead of Graham Graham They're in a real rush, Graham Yeah, they say Graham instead of Graham. Graham. They're in a real rush, Graham. Graham. Graham. Yeah, they say Graham Crackers.

For ages, I thought a Graham Cracker weighed a gram. Yeah, that's what I thought. I thought the same. It's named after a guy called Graham. Yeah, Graham's Crackers. He sure is. He called himself Graham. You've got to be in this business.

call himself Graham. You've got to be in this business. That's a good photo to have at like the biscuit company. You don't have to be crackers, but it helps. Yeah, someone's got that somewhere. To work here. You don't have to be crackers to work here, but it helps.

So they say I guess I think she, but I don don't know so I'm going to say they Anyway Caramel yeah who knows Hello beeps which I like Beeps yeah I like that

Like a roadrunner Yeah I wanted to share with you An unsanitary poo tale Particularly in the present circumstances The story took place in my teens while I was at secondary school in Slough. Oof. Yeah.

Slough. I shat myself in Slough. It sounds appropriate, doesn't it? Somewhere called Slough. Yeah. I sloughed myself. Sounds like you shit your pants. You can slough off a skin. Ugh. Yeah. What's that? Sloughing off. It's like mol shit your pants. You can slough off a skin. Ugh! What's that?

Sloughing off. It's like molting. Ugh! Malt. Well, Carmel says, a place known for its differing poetic views of The Office's own David Brent and John Betjeman. What's John Betjeman?

The John Betjeman poem, Come Friendly Bombs and Fall on Slough. It isn't fit for living now, I think. Oh, nice. He basically wrote a fucking... He roasted Slough. John Betjeman annihilates Slough. Poet destroys Slough. People can't believe it.

So they say, I went to a mixed school. And on this day, a boys-only assembly was called. Mixed sex, okay. Ooh, is it sex ed time? And the rest of us were confused as to why. So I guess maybe it is a she. Did I tell you that when we had sex ed at my school in Malaysia, all the boys

gathered into a room and a lady who had just come in for the sex ed started telling us about sex. And one of the boys said, is it possible for your testicle to explode? And the lady said, yes. said yes and everyone was like yeah sometimes anyone's like okay guess we have to keep an eye up for that i still i still think back to a female nurse like an actual nurse came in when we were all like 11. Yeah.

And I asked a question about if, so you know how you can have hair on your balls, right? True. Sure. I've heard this, still waiting. Yeah. Well, you know. So, well, I, knowing that you could, So did you ever have that thing where they go

Are there any questions and no one wants to ask one So you just ask one Yeah just to loosen the kept up bottle Yeah so like eventually the awkwardness Was so much that I thought okay I'll ask a question That I already know the answer to which is Is it normal like do you grow hair On your balls

Wow that's just That's like the sweetest story I've ever heard about you What a sweet, lame boy Yeah, sweet little lame, lame ball hair boy Well, it would be a shame to let this opportunity for query go wasted I don't have anything personally that I need to know, but I should probably lubricate the process for my colleagues. Perhaps if I

pitch a sort of underarm throw, as it were, we'll prime the pump for genuine query with my testicle hair question. That is exactly the vibe. But there's a twist, Phil. That's so funny.

Yeah. There's a twist. So I said, okay, is it normal to grow hair on your balls? No, I said, do you grow hair on your balls? And then she said no. Wow. And I was said, no. Wow. And I was like, hang on. But now you can't correct her

because you'll out yourself for being asking a dishonest question. I can't then say, wrong. Because that looks like a setup. Wrong. Gotcha. Gotcha. Gentlemen, this woman is an imposter That is weird

Why would she say no? She said no, she said oh no, I don't think I've never seen her She was very like, no, no She was very confident about it And she wasn't like some young nurse who just happens to have not seen bollocks yet She was quite old And me and one of the other Me and me and one of the other boys

Made eye contact across the assembly little assembly room as if to go uh oh well this is bullshit we were like 11 we kind of looked at each other like well alright this is fucking weird yeah she just goes on to say so if you do get a blow job the baby will grow inside

um the girl's mouth so be careful so do wear a condom yeah you don't want to impregnate someone's neck because neck babies grow up to be criminals is this a thing we're not aware of like the older generations like the generations older than us on the isle of Man, all the dudes got Hollywood waxes? Like in the woods as a ritual. Yeah. Some sort of taboo about having... All the old dudes on the Isle of Man are in porn. All the old dudes on the Isle of man have just got the smoothest bollies

yeah you can get postcards greetings from the isle of man and then it's just a pair of like glistening smooth bollocks and like uh it's like those old style british beach postcards where it's like a happy woman in a big stripy sunbathing thing doing a thumbs up and pulling her glasses down a little bit to look at the shiny bollocks. I think it just goes to show how uncomfortable people are still with such education that literally whoever is willing to do it can just go in and say whatever they want. Yeah.

Your testicles can explode, but they will never grow hair. Good night, everyone. Yeah. So this... Okay, so Carmel is not in the boys' assembly, right? Okay, yeah. So a boys' only... Oh, sorry, so it is a girl.

Yes. We must assume so. A boys' only assembly was called, and the rest of us were confused as to why. One of the boys' toilets in the school had been blocked off for a few days, and naturally we assumed that this was some sort of repair job or there had been a blockage. We could not have been more off the mark. The boys emerged from the assembly and told us that shit was literally kicking off. was literally kicking off.

The teacher had explained that he was gathering them to talk about an activity in quotes that had happened in the toilets that was deemed quote, unfathomable. The activity he went on to describe was an interference with a soap dispenser. Oh, God. Oh, no.

I really hope it's not what I'm guessing. If it is, it's beyond the pale. Well, it's unfathomable, Phil. It's unfathomable, although I can picture it. Yeah. A group of boys had taken it upon themselves to swap the soap and replace it with their own poo. No, it was what I'd guessed.

No. It is fathomable. Fathomable. I did fathom it. Wait, does fathomable mean, like, you can't imagine? It's unjustifiable. You can't imagine it. Fathom is to understand, I think.

Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I can't fathom it. understand I think right yeah well I can't fathom it like I can't figure it out right so yeah maybe I can't understand why you would do it that's true yeah anytime anyone went to press the unit for soap they were squirting literal shit into their hands

I mean it's good it's a good gag it's a good it's a good gag it's a powerful artistic statement yeah I mean that should be in the Tate Modern but not in a school no you'd win the Turner Prize

for sure the Turda Prize yes it would have to be called she goes on now this teacher had a very strong Northern Irish accent Which became more irate as his talk went on The phrases How dare you

And this is unbelievable And excrement Excrement on the walls Excrement on the walls Were repeated throughout the assembly excrement on the walls were repeated throughout the assembly the gravity of the situation hadn't struck one of our friends during the assembly

he was far more concerned with the method of how it was transported into the dispenser yeah that's true they're locked often aren't they ah yeah yeah yeah I'd sort of just assume there was a a canister a hopperper, if you will, that they could take off from the assembly and, like, the assemblage and the shit in it and put it back in.

Like refilling a water cooler. Yeah, but those are always sealed. There's, like, a little key. Yeah. Wow, did they push all that shit through a keyhole? Or was the school naive enough to have one that you're describing that was just open, thinking like, well, no one will ever do something unfathomable with this. There has been an unfathomable activity. Yeah, horrible.

Excrement. Excrement. To this day, we are unsure of who the real poo bandits were it has always made me slightly cautious of using soap dispensers in public toilets especially during a pandemic everyone is being encouraged to wash our hands with soap while singing happy birthday

love the pod and your work as individual peas and buds in a pod look forward to more pooscapades and for all I say keep on jacking it okay thank you Carmel thanks Carmel. Thank you very much, Carmel. Thanks, Carmel. It's true that... God, that would be a nightmare

right now. You go in for a little squidge of the old anti-bank and... What's this? Brown? Smelly? Oh no! The opposite. Unfathomable. This is unfathomable! Unfathomable!

The opposite Unfathomable This is unfathomable That is really truly truly unfathomable To be honest So one last short email From Carl with a K Carl with a K Yeah

They don't fuck around Carl's with K's Carl with a K. Yeah. Nice. They don't fuck around, Carl's with Ks. Carl with a C, he's going to help you with some DIY. Carl with a K, he's going to invade.

Yeah. Yeah. He's wired Carl with a K. Yes. He's a loose unit, Carl with a K. Carl with a K, this is something I'd forgotten about he says hello PNP

I've been enjoying the poop art since episode 40 and recently decided to go back and listen to the full archive from the beginning imagine my delight when having a imagine my delight while having a sit down wee and listening to episode 20 when

during a discussion about potentially releasing during a discussion about potentially releasing anodyne dummy episodes of the podcast right so me and you were talking about the idea of us releasing episodes that were just

completely like non-specific generic isn't that what we do anyway about the idea of us releasing episodes that were just completely non-specific, generic. Isn't that what we do anyway? Yeah, but even more so, Phil. Oh, right, okay. So, during the discussion about potentially releasing anodyne quote dummy episodes of the podcast,

Pierre uttered the phrase, so I was pooing on this jizz right and a big fart came oh yeah the old ones are the best he says making me laugh so hard that I squeezed out an unanticipated poo with a brown

podcast yeah well there was that guy who shat himself in the attic yeah poo we're the brown podcast we make you poo there was that guy who shat himself in the attic yeah like something from a Victorian ghost story he says sometimes pee pee times really do turn into poo poo times thanks for the unexpected movement fellas Koji Carl

well thank you Carl for telling us all about that I like calling it the unexpected movement fellas Koji Carl well thank you Carl for telling us all about that I like calling it an unexpected movement like we're an avant-garde symphony yes yes the unexpected movement is quite a good name for a theatre company with a Philip Glass of Pooh based podcasts

with a Philip and Ira Glass very nice are they related With a Philip and Ira Glass Very nice Are they related? I don't think so I think they might be Really? Gosh, maybe you're right actually I think it was referenced Philip Glass and Ira Glass

What an audio based family They are second cousins. Wow. Okay. Wow. Very good. Very good. Gosh.

Yeah. The father of minimalism and the father of... So, we investigate it. The father of minimalism and the father of podcast vocal fry. Yeah. I think it's pronounced father. Father. Father.

So, Ira Glass, Phil Glass, my cousin. But thanks for the correspondence, guys. One last plug, Phil, 12th of June for the Palladium. 12th of June at the Londonalladium. 12th of June at the London Palladium. Come on down. And I'm still going for the rest of this week at the Soho Theatre in London. And then 7th, 8th, 9th of June.

Enjoy us both! Yes! Right. Live! Live! Have a good reopening, Podbuds Reopen yourselves good now Lots of love Bye