BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 117 - Like The Joker

Episode Date: June 2, 2021

Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie discuss the movies your school became obsessed with, Indian and Chinese McDonald's, vaccines, jamon iberico, cheese being expensive in the USA, milk and of course come see Pierre at Soho Theatre in London 7-9th of June and Wang at the London Palladium 12th of June! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

it's bud pod one one seven one one seven lucky number seven have you seen lucky number 11 good film lucky number 11 was surprisingly popular you know how like random movies are just popular at your school yeah yeah and you think what about this one film that like over the course of my life i won't meet that many people who are, like, super into it. It just took hold among a minimum number of 14-year-olds, you know. Yes. Yes, I know what you mean. In my boarding house, just in our room,

my roommate just got us really into Green Street Hooligans that film, did you ever watch that film? yeah that was big and some guys at my school's boarding house were two of them in particular were big fans of Green Street Green Street with Elijah Wood as an American

and an English actor playing a Millwall I think it's Millwall right? Millwall fan yeah well he's English but he's from Yorkshire. Yeah he's from Yorkshire so he has to do a Cockney accent and it's like it makes his Cockney accent makes

Dick Van Dyke look like a chimp look like Harry what's his name? The football manager. He makes Dick Van Dyke look like a real East Ender. That's all I'm trying to say. Because this guy's accent

is so bad. It's laughable. But I remember when I was watching Harry Redknapp. Harry Redknapp. When I was watching Green Sea Hooligans as a 14, 15-year-old, I was like, wow, what an authentic look behind the screen. The firms, the football firms.

God, this is so authentic and real. I thought it was such a good movie. And I think I watched a little bit of it maybe two years ago, and it is unwatchable. football firms god this is so authentic and real i thought i thought such a good movie and i think i watched like a little bit of it maybe two years ago and it is unwatchable it is unwatchable it is laughable there's a great super cut of the guy who plays the main guy doing a cockney accent that is just hilarious it's so bad what do you think elijah wood thinks of it in hindsight i bet he's forgotten he did it although he's not done many films has he really no well it'd be funny if you showed him a screening of it and it was like in a i don't know a movie where someone's lost their memory and like who

are you where did you get this just freaking out i've never been to london what green street green street yeah and um the bit of lucky number 11 if it's what i'm remembering there's a bit where bruce willis kills someone and leaves them on a chain that's right isn't it i think yeah there. There is that sort of thing in there. It's very good. Yeah, it's referred to in the movie as the Kansas City Shuffle. The way he kills the guy.

Yeah, leaving a dead guy in a chair at a bus stop. Oh. Let me look it up. Hang on. Kansas City... Oh, I think I know what you're talking about. Lucky number 11. Yeah, it's Bruce Willis Yeah yeah yeah And Josh Hartnett Yeah

It's oh okay The title of the tune refers to an advanced form of a bait and sweat Confidence game Okay so it is a real thing oh wow What's a real thing In order for the Kansas City Shuffle Right As in it's a real like? In order for the Kansas City Shuffle As in it's a real Like a con, like three card Monty

Yeah but specifically to do with leaving a dead body in a bus stop No no no I'm about to tell you what Hang on So In order for the confidence game to be a Kansas City Shuffle The mark must be aware That he is involved in a con,

but also be wrong about how the con artist is planning to deceive him. Wow. Two layers. Wow. The con artist will attempt to misdirect the mark in a way that leaves him with the impression that he's figured out the game and has the knowledge necessary to outsmart the con artist. But by attempting to retaliate,

the mark unwittingly performs an action that helps the con artist to further the scheme. This sounds so complicated. It sounds too difficult. I could never be a con man. It's not that complicated. It's just going like, what's brown and sticky?

Oh, I know this joke. Poo. No, a stick. It's just swapping the answer depending on what they say. So, the title refers to a situation where the conman bets the mark money.

He can't identify what state Kansas City is in. Right, okay. So the mark guessing that the conman was hoping to trick him into saying Kansas says the most famous Kansas City, Missouri, as his answer. Right. So, like, I know what you're doing. I'm going to say Missouri.

And then the con man then reveals there is a much less well-known Kansas City in Kansas, actually. Right, right, right. So that's how you do it. So the Kansas City Show Is specifically to do with this question The question It's just an example is it Is the most famous example from which the trick gets its name

And is referenced in a famous song Okay okay okay It's not I wouldn't say it's like Nuclear physics level Complicated No But we didn't know about any of this shit

I just found this It's not Ocean's Eleven We've spoken about Ocean's Eleven And Don Cheadle's I'm speaking of bad Cockney accents oh my god wow i mean don cheedles why did they make him cockney they could they not could they not was did it not into their head that there are black people in england uh do you remember um do you remember when we were in america with our friend jason who is from england and black and americans just could not fucking believe it yeah yeah i think um

i've heard this before from black british people that when they go to america black americans lose their mind americans in general lose their mind yeah that uh oh um stephen kamos had that yeah that's right that's right yeah yeah but it's real i mean i like obviously it was a funny routine and you go oh whatever haha i'm sure it's based on reality but when we were there with jason it was genuinely like i swear we were in a in a we were just having like food outside of a restaurant once and people like came up to us to talk to us about it oh really yeah i think in boston right maybe maybe oh my god people would like look over at us oh my god did you hear those guys did you hear how they sounded uh hey pierre guess who's got two thumbs and one thumb is quite painful because he got a vaccine injected into that arm

this guy i'm well i've only managed one thumb actually they injected it under your thumbnail like you're a hero. Was it the only vein they could find, Phil? Yeah, I said, I'll only take Bill Gates' microchip if he puts it in my thumb so that I can at least use it

to get through the barriers of the underground with my thumb. Like, bloop! Yeah, you can Apple pay using your thumb if the waiter says that'll be a hundred pounds you just thumbs up as you agree to it with a thumbs up it's paid for everyone's delighted and i have to say, it was such an uplifting experience. Yeah? It really was. And, you know, Upierre, I felt so happy and so proud to be British being administered a German-Turkish vaccine by European national nurses. What nationality was your nurse?

There were two people. There was the lady who met me, and I talked me through some stuff, and she was maybe Spanish or Mediterranean. Maybe Spanish. And then another guy came in with a real swagger. Yeah. He was a black guy but he had an accent that was maybe frenchy so maybe like from a french-speaking country in africa i wasn't sure or just from france or somewhere completely else i have no idea it

could be from like france or senegal yeah something like that but he he really like he swaggered in and he like so sat down and and he's like kind of nodded at it he's like she asked you the questions i was like uh yeah like i was being interrogated by the police and then and then he's like are you happy to get pfizer and he's like really like serious about it and and then he got up and got my asked me what what it's like are you right-handed and i was like what i just like are you right-handed he wasn't quite he wasn't exactly like that but he did have to repeat it and i was like yeah i'm right-handed and he's like well let's go with the left arm shall we and i was like okay this is intense and then um and then he went for it in the old left arm there.

And then he just swaggered out of the cubicle. Like he was just dropping in. Like each cubicle was a saloon in a western. But yeah, I went right in. It wasn't as painful as... I was so looking forward to it and getting the jab but always happens when i get inoculation the five minutes beforehand my mind just goes you're gonna get a needle in your arm you're gonna and i've never had a problem with needles i'm right until the five minutes before my body suddenly goes what the fuck are you doing you're gonna get a needle

in your i'm not afraid yeah yeah yeah then i'm and my i can feel my arms start to tense And tingle a bit And I have to just calm down And pace myself Has that always been the case? I get a little panicky in medical situations But only right before the thing is going to happen Do you not getting anything at all

i i i think maybe when i was small but like i i kind of willed myself to like i like if i get my blood taken for a blood test i watch them push that thing in there really no i don't watch it go in and i watch that little tube fill up with dark dark blood bloody hell so if you get a jab in your shoulder are you looking over at your shoulder to watch the it go in and I watch that little tube fill up with dark, dark blood. Bloody hell. So if you get a jab in your shoulder, are you looking over at your shoulder to watch the needle go in? Yeah, I want to make sure I get my money's worth. That's fucking nuts. That's weird. Do you know what's weird is like if I get my blood taken for a thing, I watch them put it in.

And then I watch my blood start to fill up the little tube. I don't like that. I don't little tube. I don't like that. I don't like that. I don't like watching that. Well, so, like, my thing... I think mine might be, like, a disguised disliking it, because watching it happen, my mind is, like, so overwhelmed with the fact that I'm just a tube of blood. Yeah, yeah, that's unpleasant.

But then, like, my first instinct is to laugh like the fucking Joker. By the way, like the Joker is this podcast's catchphrase. I don't even realise that. Do you think? Yeah, we say it so much. We say something and we go, what, like the Joker? We say it all the time. I think it's our generation's, like, try-hard edgelord reference point, though.

Yeah. Yeah. Who else would laugh at watching their own blood pour out of their arm? Like an Irvin Welsh character, maybe? Yeah, an Irvin Welsh character. He'd laugh in in scottish dialect yeah hey hey hey like h-a-e-h-a-e h-a-w maybe uh but yeah i got i got pfizer for phil banging the left shoulder and what? Philzer Philzer, I got Philzer Biontech

and my shoulder caned for a day like really hurt, like yeah I woke up in the middle of the night like, oh, like my shoulder was just hurting so much nothing else though, nothing else, I didn't get to feel sick or nauseous at all, it was just

really, no fever, no nothing clean baby, just the pain in the shoulder just a clean hit yeah was it in like a huge aircraft hangar that's where i have to imagine people getting their vaccines even though it's often a chemist this one was down the road um and i live quite central so it's um it was in like a conference center or something. Yes. I've got my first one booked in for about eight or nine days away. Yeah. Yeah.

Looking forward to it. Apparently, if you had COVID and if you had long COVID, even the first dose of the vaccine, like really makes you feel amazing, like clears up a lot of shit. Oh, really? It's been quite widely reported on, yeah. Now, that doesn't... I wouldn't understand how that would work because it's a vaccine is a preventative right oh unless it teaches your antibodies to start fighting what's still in you is that the idea

yeah and like you get a like you get an antibody boost because that's what the vaccine does like makes your body make some um so maybe it does something, yeah. I mean, it could be a placebo or it could be the real deal, depending. But I'm happy to believe it. I'll report back. But maybe I'll suddenly feel like I used to. I'll be like Willy Wonka when he rolls and stands up. I feel broadly the same as I did before,

although I do have this insatiable urge to buy Microsoft products. I've got the full new Office suite. I've subscribed to the updates that I don't need. And I've got a Zune. Very hard to find. Very difficult to find. But it got me a Zune. I know someone who got COVID really badly,

like in the first lockdown, like early on. Really, really badly. He was in hospital for a while, and he's like our age, and it was genuinely touch and go. He got really, really badly. And it was like he was out of it for a couple of months maybe. Yeah. But the antibodies, he's now like a super, like his antibody system is insanely strong against COVID now because of how badly he went through it. So much so that he goes into the hospital like once a month to have his, to donate antibodies.

Like he's now this insane COVID antibody factory because he got it so bad he's like um the guy or um the little girl in uh zombie yeah yeah yeah the one who's he's early he's early in um the last of us of course yeah yeah yeah that's amazing i see i offered the nhs my antibodies but they didn't get back to me. They have this guy's. They don't need them. That's true. To be fair, they've got Bruce Banner coming in and hulking out into some test tubes.

That sounds like wanking. I didn't mean that. That's very cool. I met a fan in the queue, which is real nice. You met a fan in the queue? Lorenzo. Shout out to Lorenzo another EU national

no way I saw on Instagram later that after our meeting he bought a couple of tickets to my I saw after our meeting on Instagram that he bought a couple of tickets to my Palladium show that is guerrilla marketing Pierre stand in the queue for

a vaccine chat to people about what you do is guerrilla marketing, Pierre. Stand in the queue for a vaccine. Yeah. Chat to people about what you do. You'll guarantee that no one will drop out on the day because they caught COVID. That's true, exactly, yeah. Yeah, it's real... You're really engaging in some selective bias for healthy audience members.

Yeah, it's like entertainment eugenics. Speaking of entertainment and not eugenics, thanks to all the podbirds Who came to my Soho run Yes, the Soho run is Soho done For now Extra dates, 7th, 8th, 9th of June Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday 9pm if you couldn't make the 7pm

It is later this time Pierre after dark 9pm if you couldn't make the 7pm it is later this time Pierre After Dark late night novella Pierre uncut uncensored do you remember there was like a boom period in the noughties of where there was a version of a thing and then there'd be the uncensored version of the thing like I swear every movie

had an uncensored version there was loads of that going around, back when the DVD market was a thing. Yeah, all the same red sticker-strapped banner across, I don't know, American Pie 4. Uncensored. And it's like, who's going to see the censored version of American Pie?

Yeah, but, like, even the censored... Like, the censored version would be like a 15 or whatever right and then the uncensored version if you ever watched it if you're like a desperately horny teenager if you ever bothered to track down an uncensored an uncensored version of a film with an entire plot to get through not just some porn which would obviously be much more efficient but you want to see the uncensored film and it's always like oh remember that scene where they're like in the jacuzzi and then the dog jumps in and it's very funny um in the uncensored version it's about it's about um

63 minutes into the runtime uh the girls who are topless in the jacuzzi and you don't see their breasts and nipples because of the bubbles and the censored version in this one you do because they get out because they run away from the dog right it'll be like that and you go come on whereas it's presented as if like there's their whole extra scenes just full sex scenes yeah there's all extra scenes where like people who are actual non-sexual non-porn star celebrities unaccountably just bang and jizzle over each other in this otherwise completely comedy based movie it's like

if all those celebrities were just in a porno which had some slapstick in it's never that, it's a bum shot but anyway Pierre's extra dates, he will not be wearing trousers, it'll just be your velvet his velvet jacket and then penis and balls and hairy legs well my my uh i'm so

my legs are so fat now from all my eating that i very nearly had to do that as a matter of course i had to take just whip off your trousers no no you wouldn't get them on Yeah I did get some trousers on in the end But yeah if I keep If I keep eating the way I'm eating Which is the way that a man who knows he's going to prison for life would eat Then There will be trouble

So I need to stop that And Yeah I will probably still be wearing Jeans on stage there will be trouble so I need to stop that and yeah I will probably still be wearing jeans on stage yep no shame in that no shame in that 7th 8th 9th of June

Phil's Palladium record is on the 12th if you were to sell one of your legs Pierre as like an artisan jamon iberico how much do you think that would go for because i mean like a normal size one goes for like hundreds of euros one leg oh surprisingly expensive real shock on on my trip to spain when i was 19 and with no money I'll just have a couple slices of that nice ham, please.

Si, senor! Slice, slice. 20 euros, please. Yep. Yep. You gotta buy the whole leg if you wanna make it worth your while. Buy its own seat on the plane home. How much do you think one of your legs would get?

Oh, I'd be surprised if we didn't hit quadruple figures. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yours is the magnum of jamon ibericos. They're big old legs. How big is a jamon iberico? I'm going to look this up. That's a full pig's leg, I guess. It's a full pig's leg in here.

Hoof to hip. I think that's the phrase. From hoof to hip, it's jamon iberico. From hoof to hip. Hoof to hip, I think that's the phrase. From hoof to hip, it's ham on a berico. From hoof to hip. Also, to be fair, I also only eat acorns that naturally drop from trees.

The black Iberian pig. Yeah, you can use some piers to search for truffles. pig. Yeah. You can use some piers to search for truffles. Yes. Often what people will do to make it less expensive to raise me is to have me find truffles while they

fatten me up with acorns. Truffle hunting has always sounded to me like the most badass, terrifying thing because it's Italian farmers wandering around the forest with a pig on a leash, and they've got shotguns, because truffles are so valuable. If you come across a truffling Italian man in the forest, run, because he will shoot your head off rather than let you know where the truffles are.

We're quite right. I mean, what are you doing in the pig woods anyway oh you're not from around these parts are you oh you look lost boy these truffles are amazing and they're mine and my pigs so

you better be scurrying on then wouldn't you I don't know what the bloody hell you think you're doing coming around my gaff like this these are my ends my family's been native to Tuscany for hundreds of years now mate and you think you're going to come around Margaff

and take my mushrooms? I don't think so. You're having a laugh. Get him, Napoleon. If you think I'm going to let you just have my mushrooms that are so valuable and delicious, you're having a fucking laugh, mate. Iberico ham is illegal in America.

What? Yeah. The food that is legal in America and this is illegal. The first... Oh, okay. So this CNN money article. Frank Ferroni, one of the owners of La Española Meats in Los Angeles. Frank Ferroni, you want a big pig's leg? I can talk to Frank Ferroni.

A premier importer of Spanish food says he has no idea why the bureaucrats in the USDA allow only two of the more than 50 large purveyors of serrano hams to be imported to the u.s shores huh how intriguing wow are they i mean the amount of delicious european foods the americans are willing to buy before child assault rifles i mean is it just like protective american meat tariffs or something i mean i don't know i think it is just like they American meat tariffs or something? I mean, I don't know. I think it is just like if it's something that hasn't been completely irradiated and boiled, then they don't want to let it in. Like unpasteurized milk or cheese you can't get in America either, I think.

Right, right, right. Cheese, like I saw loads of memes. So, well, okay, let me just settle this thing first of all. I saw loads of memes. Well, okay, let me just settle this thing first of all. So the back leg of a pig normally weighs between 7 and 8.5 kilos. Good. Good.

I mean, my legs weigh a lot more than that. Yeah, I mean... So, yeah, I would say, I would hope to get well over 1,000 pounds. Well over 1,000 pounds. pounds yeah i think that's fair so i've just seen 100 iberico ham leg on the bone for 725 wow pounds yeah imagine buying a full leg of iberico ham for you just personally just for your cupboard. Just for sandwiches. Yeah, just for sandwiches, just for work. Put them in a little Tupperware box.

Whistle like Fred Flintstone. Just going along. So, okay. So a separate thing that I discovered. So the only reason I just saw that Iberico ham was illegal is because it was the suggested Google question, right? Why is Iberico Ham illegal in the US? Well, it said, why is Iberico Ham illegal? So obviously I clicked that thinking, well, it's not illegal.

Obviously Google is mainly American. Blah, blah, blah. So I kept seeing these memes about how expensive cheese is. You keep seeing memes About how expensive cheese is You You keep seeing memes about how expensive cheese is What just generally Expensive I saw a few memes about cheese being expensive

Right Or that mentioned the expense of cheese This is just In such a way This isn't your day to day social media life is it Well sometimes I go on websites where it's just memes It's just random memes. Ah!

That's how I kill hours of my valuable time. I didn't realize you did that. Yeah. It's an absolute waste of time, and often I leave more annoyed than I am amused. Okay, so there are memes about how cheese is expensive. Or memes that mention

it or refer to it in such a way that it appears to be presumed knowledge. Okay. So obviously this makes me think, well, most of the internet stuff we see comes from America. America's cultural dominance is so huge. It's to the point where it's causing problems. So I just went down this rabbit hole of like, well, apparently cheese is expensive in America. Hmm. It's not why they have all those Kraft slices.

Because the real cheese is prohibitively expensive. Yeah, well, apparently. But cheese is such a part of like, they put it on everything. I know, but it's always just craft slices it's never like cheddar america's weird so here we go is this an explanation for the expensive cheese well so apparently it's basically impossible to import cheese okay right and also because of the scale of america it's like impossible to have

like a family-owned cheese making facility so like or it's like much harder but yeah french french cheese basically can't get in because here we go because it's not pasteurized it's often not pasteurized but there's loads like just google like why is cheese expensive and it's not pasteurized. It's often not pasteurized. But there's loads. Just Google, why is cheese expensive? And it's just page after page of ask Jeeves, whatever it is, blah, blah, question, Quora,

all these websites where you ask questions of other people who don't fucking know anything. Yahoo answers. Yeah. But yeah, the Americans have had expensive cheese this whole time they have yeah they have had expensive cheese so hold on i see what you're saying yeah yeah yeah poor guys poor people americans please let us know what's going on with you and

cheese yeah what is the problem what is your problem it milk. I mean, you've got milk. Ironically, pasteurization. French invention. Yeah, and they hate him for it. Ha ha ha! A prophet is always despised in his own land, Phil. Cheese is your... that's your Achilles heel isn't it you love your cheese I love fat and salt if you can show me something with fat and salt in it I'm on board

sugar not so much sugar not so much yeah I'm the same yeah yeah if you say to me what's got fat and salt in it before you finish talking it's in my mind yeah i i yeah eating cheese on its own i'm like if it's out if i'm like yeah right but i've i've never seen opportunity to just have cheese you know i mean

maybe if i have a dinner party and i can't be asked to make a starter i'll put out some cheese but um but yeah do you sit down and just have cheese? You have it with stuff. Like just on a cracker? You could have it on a cracker or part of like a... You could make yourself a plowman's thing or like cheese and bread and an apple and... Or put it on a sandwich. Like you're a hobbit traveling to model yeah yeah why not wow i didn't realize you were a plowman pierre

oh no i don't do this because i don't i try not to keep cheese in the house for the same reason a recovering alcoholic tries not to keep vodka in the house. What's your favorite type of cheese? What's your Achilles cheese? My Achilles cheese? I just like it all, man. Cheddar, brie, gruyere. Gruyere? Gruyere for prurier.

Gruyere. Halloumi. Although halloumi is kind of a meme cheese. Like people... Yeah. Halloumi is kind of a miracle cheese like people yeah halloumi is kind of a miracle i don't know how it works yeah but they've decided to go on about how much they love halloumi and it's it's good but i mean you know it's very tasty and if you like salt oh my goodness do you

like the bluey stinkies uh yeah i'll dabble in a bluey stinky someone Someone called Pierre has got to love a Bluey Stinky. Sometimes you'll see a green one. Ooh, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. You like Rock 4? Santa Girl? Yes, Santa Girl. And what's the bloody one that's full of garlic? Oh, garlic cheese. No, it's like...

Oh, God. I need to know what this is called. It's going to bug me. You know what I love? A Comte. You ever had a Comte? Comte. Comte.

A hard French cheese. Oh, yes. Blod-a-delish. Blod-a-delish. The cheese I'm thinking of, Phil, is Bourson. Bourson. That's like a soft cheese spread. And it's rammed with flavour. That's like cheese

jam, boursin. Yes, that is... Yeah, I would agree with that. Oh, it's so good. Oh, Lord, save me from all the delicious cheese out there. That sounded like Frank Skinner.

Do you think? Yeah, you sound like Frank Skinner just then. Maybe that's who I channel when I pray or when I mention cheese. That makes sense. Maybe. Do you not like cheese? I went through a period of really being into brie and having brie on crackers.

A good bit, yeah. You were crackers for brie on crackers? What's nice about cheese is as someone who loves red wine but only but i don't like i can't really drink red wine on his own it has to be with food because the food brings out the taste in the wine that is supposed to be there so i i don't really drink wine on his own unless it's's white wine. But look, hey, this isn't the Phil's Wine podcast. It's a... You wouldn't even have it as part of a ploughman's booze? Well, what's really good about cheese is that it goes well...

A lot of it goes well with a lot of red wine. And it's just something to put in your mouth if you're not having dinner. It's just something to put in your mouth for the proteins to react with that wine and for you to get the full taste of the wine out. So that's why it tends to be served with wine, cheese. right yeah that's why i got into it for about for a while so you you got into cheese as a cover story for why you were drinking all that booze it worked for the french um it did yeah did you grow up with cheese how east asian was your cheese exposure earlier not very much at all yeah it i mean dairy is hard to find in malaysia and in east

asia in general i mean like one of australia's main exports is um is powdered milk to China. They're just not very dairy cultures. Finding fresh milk is really hard in Malaysia. Really? Really, really hard. Milk is mostly condensed or powdered. And so, yeah, only certain supermarkets would have fresh milk.

Cheese? Yeah, we don't have much cheese at all. You can imagine eating cheese in a very hot climate is not pleasant. That kind of clinging to your mouth sensation. And it's steaming hot. It doesn't really go together with some warm warm wine

in most of the cheese I guess there'd only be cheese at fast food places like cheese sauce at KFC or like the cheese in a burger or something but that's like cheaper cheaper American cheese and like gloop that will never um yeah gloop that

will never go off yeah gloop that doesn't burn have you seen those videos of someone like literally holding a slice of craft cheese on on a hob turning on the flame and it doesn't melt yeah yeah it kind of like warps a bit and blackens like like a piece of plastic but it doesn't melt. That's not cool, man. Yeah. I don't like that at all, thank you, no. Yeah. That's awful.

Oh, God. It's like when you see, when people put a Big Mac in Perspex and it doesn't rot. Yeah. Oh, my God. So if you went to a supermarket in malaysia where they had fresh milk would it just be full of full of honkies huh yeah yeah they would yeah it would be at the like the honky supermarket the sort of

expat supermarkets would have them yeah the smart places. There'd be a bunch of Malaysians outside being like, they always come here for their milk. Also keep in mind, a lot of Chinese people are lactose intolerant. My dad is basically lactose intolerant. Because they've never developed the enzyme for lactose

because it's never been a big part of the diet. Yeah. The Japanese are over 90% lactose intolerant and the been a big part of the diet yeah the the japanese are over 90 lactose intolerant and the irish are the other way around yeah the irish are 90 intolerant to anything that isn't milk guinness is actually milk you heard it here first the bit on the top that's milk the white bit that's how you know yeah but it's mad it's mad there's how yeah that something like that can be genetic do you think that um that is the one way that we can counteract the growing might of red china is that we if we

just make them all um have something really milky they'll fart and shit themselves to death two words milk aerosol milk aerosol deployed on the field like uh like world war one just like the smoke yeah they're like what is that mustard gas no full fat ah it's red label that mustard gas? No. Full fat. Ah! It's red label! No! We're gonna have to deploy the gold tops. But sir, I said deploy the gold tops! Psss!

What's that smell? It's creamy! Ah! Sir, it's working working they're pooping i mean it's not a crazy idea to be completely frank it's not i've heard sillier ideas i like and then like a like a guy you get a cow to like stand up right and then a guy stands behind the cow and like squirts the milk like it's an anti-aircraft gun

like all four udders like yeah no I mean you know it's uh it's an idea it's an idea you you can't say it's not an idea if you're gonna if you're gonna criticize our idea for counteracting the might of red china with milk bombs well then you better criticize it while you have a better idea ready to go yeah only constructive criticism here please about weaponized milk i'd like that um because

china and and also india as well but but let's china's the scarier one i think and also india i mean if anyone can take their milk it's india one i think and also india i mean if anyone can take their milk it's india you they clarify their butter they want their butter to be even more buttery and they enjoy that the little bit if you want like i want to hear a conspiracy that um so china and india the obesity rates are like rocketing up. Oh, are they? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, think about how not fat both of those populations were up until even the end of the Cold War. Yeah, but why now? Because they have McDonald's and dairy and beef and sugar and fat and dessert.

Yeah, but that's like a 90s kind of thing. Now it's all vegan and health food and all that sort of thing. Vegan? What's vegan? That's a Western thing. Well, so much... Okay. Right, I maintain that the whole fast food thing, it's quite late to be seeing the results of that in India and China. Dude, like, rural China did not have a McDonald's before the end of the Cold War.

The Soviet Union didn't. Right. Also, remember, sugar and fat and potatoes are vegan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, there are fully Hindu and Jain-compliant McDonald's in India. Right, right, right, sure. Right, right, right. Sure. And you can get like an extra large double, you know, Kulfi or Bangalasi or whatever.

And like vegan burgers. Can you get a Bangalasi at McDonald's in India? I think you can, yeah. Maybe it's Kulfi or what was it? I saw the Indian McDonald's menu and it blew my mind. Oh my days, a McDonald's Bangalasi. I'm genuinely salivating right now. Have you been to a McDonald's in Germany? You can just get lager.

Really? Yeah, they have lager in like a little machine. Oh my God. You should have an absolutely massive pint with your McDonald's. Oh my God. And they don't even need to have bouncers in their McDonald's. Not like here. I mean, in Malaysia, KFC and...

I know Kc may be burking or burking and stuff but you you can get rice with in the meals um some of these options that are unique to indian mcdonald's are the veg pizza mcpuff what there's so many different names of pizza in there A veg pizza McPuff I'm guessing that's like a calzone A little puff Well if it isn't Well aren't you just a little veg pizza McPuff

A Maharaja Mac Wow what's that I think it's like a Big Mac It says choose veg or chicken A McAloo Tiki Sort of potato patty Wow, what's that? I think it's like a Big Mac. It says choose veg or chicken. A McAloo Tiki? Sort of potato patty? A McSpicy Paneer?

McSpicy Paneer. Dosa Masala Burger? McSpicy Paneer. Sounds like... It sounds like... It sounds like... A borderline racist nickname for like a legendary legendary sikh soldier in the british army but it wasn't racist at the time in at the time it was very affectionate because he saved the whole yes it that's it that's it

but they called yeah they called him mcspicy paneer yeah he was part of the scottish highlanders but yeah he was a Sikh who got transferred to the highland range yeah yeah yeah that's it that's it that's it and he was he got a victoria cross yeah and now there's a lot of controversy about whether or not the monument to him should be a erected B. have a little explainer that his nickname is offensive now but wasn't at the time but he didn't get enough recognition but also yeah endless footnotes

the McAloo Tiki Burger the one that never goes out of Falaver Falaver that's what it says Favor Never goes out of favor They put an L in brackets

Flavor Right okay Yeah okay A bit too much going on I'd say There's a lot going on Because things You don't say

When something doesn't taste nice You don't go Well that's out of flavor I think someone just saw An opportunity for a pun And just couldn't let it pass Okay so Phil This is a good game This is like tat saw an opportunity for a pun and just couldn't let it pass okay so phil this let's let's this is a good game this is like tat what do you think the mcalu tiki burger is well aloo is potato

isn't it yes so mcalu tiki now this is where i'm i'm i have to second guess is it tiki in reference to tikka or tiki in reference to hawaiian stuff because i don't think it's hawaiian although i i would also have made that it's two k's weirdly right so is it like can you make tikka potato uh sort of yeah it's so it's a it doesn't look well i was gonna say it doesn't look Well I was going to say it doesn't look very delicious It looks like McDonald's you know what that looks like Toy food A golden fried vegetarian patty Prepared with peas and potato

And infused with aromatic spices In a bun Yeah in a bun So it's got tomato, shredded red onion and a kind of tomato That's a lot of starch That's a carb hit Oh yeah well see this is what I'm talking about Everyone being fat got tomato, shredded red onion, and a kind of tomato mayonnaise. That's a lot of starch. That's a carb hit. Ooh, yeah. Well, see, this is what I'm talking about.

Everyone been fat. Right, yeah. They're getting fat, man. And I want to see a conspiracy theory that the West is giving our horrible foods to them to sabotage their development as countries. That's interesting. China has... Diabetes rate is shooting up. India's diabetes rate is shooting up. They're all getting big and fat. But America, the home of obesity,

is a very powerful nation, so it obviously hasn't held them back. Yeah, but it's declining. Hmm. And America, if you get fat and die of a heart attack, America doesn't make anyone pay for it. Right, right, yes. You just die.

You just die. Yeah. What do you think's in this next one mc egg mc egg it's just an egg burger is it it's an egg and the slogan is because eggs are great any time of the day i guess so would you care for a midnight egg i do like an egg i had an egg for lunch i had i had the lunch of a lazy chinese uncle i had rice and a fried egg on top and some soy sauce and some chili oil very good um lazy chinese uncle that's a good name for that dish the lazy yeah lazy chinese uncle they yeah that's good so sunny side how do you want the egg sunny Lazy Chinese Uncle. That's a good name for that dish. Yeah, Lazy Chinese Uncle.

That's good. How do you want your egg? Sunny side up? Lazy Chinese Uncle? Oh, I'll get Lazy Chinese Uncle, please. Oh, yes, please. Dosa Masala Burger. A McVeggie.

They still have a McChicken. McSpicy Paneer is actually a lovely name I'm really coming around to it It's a crispy and spicy paneer patty With crew meat and duri sauce That sounds lovely It does sound lovely McSpicy Paneer Let's go with the chicken options

And the Maharaja Mac It's basically a vegetarian Big Mac Well it all sounds fantastic Yeah What about Chinese McDonald's a raja mac it's basically a vegetarian big mac well it all sounds fantastic yeah what about chinese mcdonald's but i i think that's the conspiracy theory is that there'll be if they'd stayed as healthy as they were before we started giving them um artificial plastic food that gives you diabetes and makes you fat and gets you addicted and and remember makes makes the west the money, they're all western companies

that's a conspiracy theory we're getting money, we're making money as we're making their population less able to fight right, okay interesting, yes, yes, yes I think as far as conspiracy theories go, it's a good one it's a good one

it's one of those ones that I would have thought I'd have seen by now somewhere else. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's a bit too plausible, Pierre. That's why it hasn't really caught on in conspiracy circles. It's just a bit too sensible. Yeah. I need to involve you're in an uncanny valley yeah you're in the conspiracy

theory uncanny valley between the believable and the unbelievable where no one is going to get interested you gotta chuck an elvis in there yeah hey do you see in china you're gonna have three three kids now yeah you can have three fat little kids. I was watching this BBC, like Vox Pops thing. A BBC reporter out on the streets in China is asking Chinese people if they would want to have three kids. And they're all like, no. They're all like, absolutely not.

Two is enough. The kids are right there. And they're like, these two are enough of a fucking is enough. The kids are right there. They're like, these two are enough of a fucking nightmare. And the kids are just there like... And there's one little girl who's like, man, I want a little brother, a little sister. And the mom's like, no, absolutely not. It's really funny, actually.

Also, it's like Chinese parents that the BBC are speaking to in the street of Beijing, so they're like, these two little fucking monsters are enough of a problem, and you look and one of them is playing the cello. The other one is just reading through their amazing exam results, and you think, yeah, I can see why you wouldn't want to.

Maybe it's because they see parenting as such a big project, like Tiger Mum. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a big deal. It's a real commitment, I guess. Whereas if you raise your kids like an outside dog, you're like, yeah, three, four, whatever. I don't even see them the whole time. I sometimes think, you know, the one child policy generation.

generation like imagine growing up where the words the words and the the words brother and sister were completely abstract completely conceptual something that yeah there was something that only your parents would say and there would have been a period where even the parents wouldn't have right or like there must have been i suppose it was a while wasn't it they initially they did it region by region, I think. But yes, if someone was like, I have a brother, you'd be like, what are you, 60? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So weird. But also because the culture is so biased towards baby boys.

Yeah. And there were all those secret abortions if people had girls. There's like 10 million extra men. Yeah, yeah, yeah, there is. China like 10 million extra men yeah yeah yeah there is china 10 million horny man china is throbbing with men it's raining men in china it's it's raining men in shenzhen 10 million horny boys phil looking for someone to to to to it's it's raining tiana men yeah it's raining tiana men

what are they gonna do this is another like historically when one population gets far too many like young men competing for resources you get get, like, you know, Vikings. Yeah, it's not good. It's never a good precursor to the country's next couple of decades, having too many unsatisfied young men. It doesn't work out well. You go, right, we've got lots of young men who can't get jobs, and they're really horny, and they're all under 30, and there aren't any women. You go, uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Yeah, that way disaster lies. Someone's going to come along and offer them hats and guns. I guess it would be fine if there was a country out there with the opposite problem, but there isn't. If there was some Amazonian nation out there that we could just... Ladyland? Yeah, we could just do a swap or something it's also a problem

because if these guys are all hand chinese they don't probably you know i mean the way china china's attitude to its own minorities is not exactly progressive uh-huh so if all 10 000 of them are hand chinese and it's like well there's a million if all 10 million of them are hand chinese and they're like well you know there's a there's some guys who are kind of turkic over here and that's like nope nope not not not gonna happen even if india had had not done the same thing and had 10 million extra women instead of also having 10 million extra men yeah they would the neither government would be in favor of that exchange program yeah it's in the way that beggars can't be choosers uh an extra 10 million can't be picky is the is the next generation of chinese people going to be even,

like, so beautiful because the level of selection, like, all the men will be so handsome. It'll be the opposite of Russia. The opposite of... Because that happened in Russia after World War II. What happened? Well, there's just no men. Right, right, right.

Oh, right. That's why, I mean, like, Vladimir Putin, I mean, his power aside, Vladimir Putin looks like a sad eagle. Gosh, I never thought about that. And you and I both know people who've lived in Russia, and they all come back and say the same thing or visit there, and they say all the men look like furious.

How has it stayed so masculine a country? Well, because they're like, they they came back from war and they were like i i know i look like a potato but i can choose from 14 women oh yeah of course lovely lovely so but china's gonna have the opposite china's gonna have all these girls like which of the 10 million bachelors will i select like a huge reality yeah they're just gonna say they're gonna have to do the bachelor but not even for TV, just every day. Just as a civic service. The Bachelor, but the first layer of filtering

is just huge metrics like height. I mean, yeah, it's going to end up on apps. And I think I saw a while back, there are these parents, I think in Beijing or Shanghai, and there's a park or a spot in a particular park in the city where these parents of unmarried men they just go to the park and they have photos of their sons and they talk to other parents and like they don't even consult their sons and they stick they stick pictures of their sons on trees and stuff. Like they're missing, but they aren't. They're just looking for a wife.

Like a lost dog. Yeah. Oh my god. Yeah, yeah. At what point, though, do your parents get... What's so wrong with these guys? Well, nothing. They're just extra.

I guess they're just... They're extra men. They're just not already rich. They're just extra. I guess they're just not already rich. They're just spare men. But if you have a daughter, do you ever go to the lonely man dog park? Well, this is it, yeah. Surely it's just parents of lonely sons meeting other parents of lonely sons.

It's an indirect sausage fest. It's just a bunch of parents meeting up going, no one will fuck my son. And a load of other parents going, me too. Put his face on a tree like he's been kidnapped. That's mad. Yeah. That's mad Yeah That's amazing

I've got some of the 10 awesome McDonald's foods You can only get in China Oh sweet Pineapple pie Pineapple pie Oh is it like the McDonald's apple pie But with pineapple in it

It's got pineapple in it It looks pretty good Tarot pie Tarot Lovely little tarot A little root It's a root yeah It's a root it's all purpley

That's right it's sort of a yummy And yummy Yummy yummy Sichuan double chicken root. It's all purpley. That's right. It's sort of a yammy. And yummy. Yeah. Yummy, yummy. Sichuan double chicken burger. That sounds fantastic, to be honest. Yeah, it does. It seems pretty... I mean, it's McDonald's. Congee. You can get congee.

Wow, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you can get it in Malaysia. Holy crap. Good God, at McDonald's. Maybe, maybe. My God, in Malaysia holy crap not at McDonald's maybe maybe my god it's a side dish at McDonald's that's crackers a customer can order congee of three

different varieties wow yeah yeah no fucking way it's only available in the morning oh my god that's the equivalent

of a yeah that's their McMuffin McMuffin salted egg yolk with chicken, chicken with preserved egg and pickled cabbage with bamboo shoot all the stoners in China

are campaigning to have it all day come on dude do congee all day man come on man if I don't get here before 10 a.m. and I can't get my pickled cabbage with bamboo shoot congee, it's fucking bullshit, man. What are you, like the time police?

And then in China, they're like, yes. Yeah, we do have that division, yeah. We will call the time police if you do not leave. Red bean babati. Oh, God, the Chinese love some red bean. I could never get on board with red bean. Red bean was the bane of my fucking life growing up. You'd ask for a dessert and they'd be like,

of course you can have dessert. Here's some beans. Horrible. Like a really low stakes prank. Let's see if he notices that we've actually given him beans. Mmm, yum.

Who needs cake when I have beans? Is it just the sugariest thing that grows in China? They add sugar to it. They put it in a sweet sauce. I don't know why. I mean, I've seen... I have no idea why. I've seen that thing where it's like red bean in a bun

and it's supposed to be a dessert, like a sweet donut. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you'll see some well-meaning Western menu translating it like, it's kind of like a donut, a bit like a jam donut yeah it it wasn't phil it was like a jam line yeah beans disgusting red bean i don't miss the red beans no man i tried them once in london i think with you actually and i was not impressed just a paste bean paste uh spicy mcwings basically like that's normal it looks like a stepping into the colonel's territory yeah yeah criss-cut. Like grids. Potato grids. Potato grids.

Bizarre combos. That's the name of the dish? And an excellent trumpet player. Yeah. You can get like five person combos. Five person combos Yeah So they're offering all these bigger combos Than just like a one meal

That's to encourage parents to have three kids now And it's also just You know Only decadent western capitalist culture Would have an individual meal Yeah very wasteful. Wasteful. You will eat with your neighbors.

Yeah, the five-person combo comes with a muck lazy Susan. They can spin around. A lazy Ronald. A lazy Ronald. A clown's face. A Japanese beef bowl. Wow! You Japanese beef bowl.

What are you doing? Get out of here, Japanese beef bowl. Hey, who's the Japanese beef bowl? And now, Phil, I will give you 20 pounds if you can guess the nationality of the final item. Huh. We've already had Japanese beef bowl, bit of a surprise. There were some wings earlier.

Weird combos, criss-cut fries. So this final example here. You don't have to guess even what it is. Just I want the country. Portugal. No, but it's as weird, I think. So you can get, apparently, the German sausage double beef burger.

What? I went to logical. I was like Macau, Portugal. Egg tarts are quite popular. Portugal. No. Oh, clever. Clever boy.

Tried too hard. Tried to be too clever. No, it's just German sausage double beef burger. Is there much of a German... I guess Tsingtao lager is from the that's true the germans used to run shanghai didn't they well singtao wasn't it did they run shanghai as well do they have do they have shanghai as well i don't know anyway this has been a fun deep dive into the McDonald's menus of the world. Unexpected? Unexpected but delicious.

Shanghai International Settlement. Okay, it was sort of a bit British and a bit American. How weird. How weird. Anyway, yes. Thanks for listening, everyone. Go get your jab and remember to buy Microsoft. Remember to buy Microsoft.

Extra dates, Soho, 7th, 8th, 9th of June, coming up 9pm. Phil at the London Palladium, 12th of June. See me and Lorenzo there. See him there. Bye. Bye.