BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 118 - Hot Bud Summer

Episode Date: June 9, 2021

It's hot as hell and Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie discuss the heat, the terrible movie SIBERIA and do some corresponding including: old Malaysian guy toilet door, the poo knife mum, piggy bank of stench and witch allergic to corn Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 118. Good gracious, summer's here, Phil. Oh, it's warm. It's warm in my room, and I've had to close the windows for sound and pull down the curtain for light, and it's just starting to get a bit sauny in here, to be honest. I've made the decision that, given how hot my living room is, Budpod listeners will have to put up with some intermittent traffic sounds. Oh, yeah, that's fair enough. I think they'll understand. It was amazing because

it was freezing cold with ice rain every day, and then the seasons changed like they do in a fucking video game. Yeah, I feel like I'm in Death Stranding at the moment. You know in a video game you go up a slight hill and it becomes a blizzard? And you're very high up now.

It's like, no, I'd walk a hill like that just walking through town. Or like Stardew Valley. It's summer now. Plant the summer crops now. What really gets me, and i used to find it romantic and now i just find it kind of um oppressive is when it comes to summer you have to open all the windows so you get all the city noise at least i do and i think you do as well and and and that combined with like the hot air and me being in a shirt i feel like i'm in a streetcar named desire i feel like i'm in a tennessee like or some like play set in inner city manhattan where people play

saxophones on fire escapes it's like the sound of the city that's my symphony i feel like i'm some beat poet who doesn't want to be one i know exactly what you mean you feel like um you feel like you should be smoking and waiting for a phone call to come in on an old school landline yeah i haven't heard from uh suzette in a while now you know back in the day when if you hadn't heard from someone in a while you just had to wait you just had to wait and hope they weren't dead because you couldn't you can check up on them especially if you like if you didn't know where they lived yeah yeah and even if you did what are you gonna you're gonna wait by their fucking door for like the whole day the last you heard from them,

they rode on a beer mat and slid it under your door. And that's it. You have no recourse to respond. You can't text them. You just have to wait. Now you could just Instagram stalk them. Now you don't even have to know someone to message them. You don't even have to have met someone to message them.

Yeah, that's true. You can send someone an HD 4K picture of your asshole. And you haven't even met. In the old days, you'd have to build up towards that. In the old days, you'd have to schedule a photography session in town. You'd get in there and the guy would pile up the gunpowder on the stick and get under his camera cloak. He'd say, bend over. You'd turn and bend over and show him your asshole.

He'd go, kapoof! You'd have to hope the gunpowder didn't burn your asshole. Yeah, just ka-blam! Right at... Pointed at your ass. And then he'd look in the camera after an hour and he'd be like,

no, your asshole flinched to its blurring. You're looking at a photo of your asshole. Oh no, I blinked. Oh, I've got a red eye. Yeah, you might want to see a doctor about that. I photograph a lot of assholes, and they shouldn't bleed.

Just from being photographed. I like walking around listening to when it's this hot it's quite fun to walk around and listen to sort of like Mexican music oh yeah you can pretend like

my new thing that I watch when I'm at the gym to try and make me forget that I'm doing exercise is like all the Netflix mulch, you know, content gloop, whatever. Fodder. Fodder. Eye fodder. Yeah, eye fodder.

My latest eye fodder that Netflix has provided me, I'm watching all the Narcos. Narcos. I thought you might be leading up to Narcos. I watched the first series and I loved it. Yeah. But I've not watched the follow-up ones. I don't want to spoil it,

but after a series or two, there's less reason to watch, if you know what I mean. Yeah. Well, that's why Narcos Mexico is quite interesting. And the soundtrack's very good. There's lots of like... Well, it's very sort of 80s. It's 80s pop, but also kind of Mexican music,

Mexican popular music from the time, and Narco Corridos. It's a good show. It's good stuff. And you can walk around listening to that and feel like you're in Tijuana. Is the mix, because when they're in Colombia, it's about... But in Mexico, is it about real people as well? Yes, yeah.

It's about the guys who built up the marijuana trade from just like individual fuckheads to massive cartels. Very similar vibes. Lots of... All Narcos series are basically just a swarthy man on a ranch looking at a crop and going, there has to be a better way to sell this. Yeah, they're quite aspirational, really.

They're very aspirational. And it's all very agricultural. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's got the guy who is the Mandalorian. Isn't that nuts? Oh, fuck, yeah. Pablo Pascal. That's right. And didn't Latin America

give him shit because he didn't have the right accent for his character? Oh. There'll always be someone to give you shit, man. Yeah. No matter what you do, there'll always be someone to give you shit. I remember I did... I remember a while back I did some stand-up.

I did a stand-up show. And I talked about being Chinese and all that. As I often do. And then I came off stage and and outside overheard a guy who'd been in the audience who's like a chinese british chinese guy who was like i've already talked about race too much and i just thought you know what there'll always be someone in the fucking problem there'll always be someone who like you're doing this for you're like yeah i have uh yeah look they'll no matter what you do no matter how qualified you are to do or say something there'll always be someone who tries to claim a legitimacy over you so it's not worth worrying about is all i'm trying to say yeah it's true and plus i mean you know i don't speak spanish and i'm

not from latin america so i can't tell that it's this ridiculous casting where everyone is from everywhere that was their leonardo dicaprio in blood diamond for you exactly yeah although yeah his accent was pretty good i mean But it was from the wrong place. It was, yeah. It wasn't correct. I watched one of the shittest films I've seen in a long time a few days ago. And it was advertised to me so perfectly that I thought I would love it. And it was so shit. What was it?

it was Siberia with Keanu Reeves oh that does sound up your street yeah so get this Keanu Reeves is a diamond salesman and he's going to Russia to try and do a deal and his partner mysteriously disappears and it's all mafia and things

you know it was pitched as John Wick meets John le Carre wow I mean that you could have picked two better Johns for you yeah there's two of my favourite Johns man but fucking

hell it was bad in what way so you know that thing in movies where you're just supposed to just start caring about a character and they'd have not earned it yep happens a lot yeah that happened like three times in this where you're supposed to be like ah he's in love or like it's really weird like keanu reeves wife is played by Molly Ringwald, but only over Skype What? He's Skyping his wife once from the hotel in Russia and he's like

Was she under a duvet in bright sunlight? Looking at the Zoom No, she was sat in You know when kitchens are like display kitchens Yeah, yeah, yeah, and it looks like they've never been used Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it looks like they've never been used. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they look freezing cold. Because they're just lit in blue and they're all white. There's like a kind of unusual staircase behind them because it's some kind of fancy house. That's their house back in America. And he's like, Oh, hi, honey. And she's like,

Oh, don't forget all the diamonds or whatever. It's just some stupid fucking conversation about nothing and so then you're supposed to be like he's a cool guy and then he has an affair with a Russian lady and you're supposed to think she's cool as well because she runs a cafe and is a bit sassy

oh no oh no it's really poopy stuff it's poopy stuff loads of it doesn't make sense loads of it you just go i don't care about this and you keep just thinking well why would why just fly back to america keanu reeves you're very rich it's truly incredible how yeah how movies really don't make any effort to make you care about someone you're supposed to care about. It's astonishing.

Like I saw a movie recently However I will say it still gets a moderately good rating from me because one of the characters in it because it's all about the diamond trade

is like a dodgy South African who's actually played by a South African and him and Keanu Reeves speak to each other in Afrikaans. Oh. That's pretty good. So Keanu Reeves learned Afrikaans. Well, he certainly learned his lines. That's pretty impressive. Yeah, pretty good.

And he speaks a bit of bad Russian in there as well, which he obviously learned from John Wick as well. I need to watch John Wick. I need to watch John Wick. You haven't seen John Wick? No, no. I keep hearing it's really good fun It's good man I was saying I saw a movie recently

But it wasn't recently It was La La Land I couldn't give it I really like Emma Stone I really like Ryan Gosling I did not give a shit about them two I was like I don't believe you love each other

why? there's no reason you just started talking sassily and that means love I feel like it's all these execs and writers and writers are all losers remember who don't know what love is and don't know what attraction is

and don't understand sexual politics because they're losers. They're all fucking losers. They're indoors writing. Who write it. Sorry? They're indoors writing. Yeah, they're indoors writing all the time,

so they have to imagine what sexual attraction and love is. They want to go to a bar where an unfeasibly, like a bar in the middle of nowhere, run apparently by a supermodel and the supermodels like uh they order a drink and the supermodel who runs the bar in the middle of nowhere is like uh oh is that is that drink for you or your mom that's a like stupid line and they're like and they're kind of like oh well, maybe if I... And they just do that to each other and then they're in love and they bang.

Yeah. Like immediately. Yeah. At last, a chick with a sense of humor that can take me... A chick who won't take my shit. Yeah, and she's got a tattoo of the guy's favorite book.

And she's embarrassed about it. She goes, is that my favorite book? And she's like, oh, she tries to kind of, oh, no one ever knows what it is because I am in the middle of nowhere. Yeah. Yeah.

It's awful. How long is it? Siberia. Yeah. The movie, not the country. It's awful. How long is it? Siberia? Yeah. The movie, not the country. It's pretty long. Oh, really? It's not fast.

Usually with these movies, at least they're like 80 minutes, and you're like, fair enough. How long is it? I'm going to look it up, because it felt long. I will say this. If you look up the reviews of it, it's very funny, because Keanu Reeves and this lady

they bang for like what must be a total they bang like five times and each time they bang it takes like seven minutes it goes on forever the banging and it's like to the point where i thought did they make this film so that they could fuck that's the same in zack snyder films in 300 and in watchmen there is

an almost frame for frame identical sex shot a sex scene i think at basically the same point in the movie for about the same period of time. In 300 is when Leonidas is about to leave for battle. Oh no, they must come earlier in the film. But he's about to leave for battle and he just bangs the lady what plays Cersei in Game of Thrones. And it's just like slow-mo her riding him and

stuff. And you go, what was this for? And then in Watchmen, it's Night Owl and Silver Spectre have sex in his big owl plane. Yeah, they fuck in the owl box, yeah. Yeah, and you're like, okay, what does this have to do with anything? Siberia, 104 minutes.

104, okay, it's not too bad. It's an hour 44, that's quite a lot. No, that's pretty short for modern standards. Dude, watch this. It won't be short. Why did you make yourself finish it? Well, it was on and I was on the couch and I was dicking around on my phone or something.

What was I doing? I was doing something else at the same time. Wait, it was on the TV. It was on Amazon for free. Oh, I see. I was... Yeah. What was I doing? I was doing some admin or something I was just killing time essentially

And I was like well maybe it'll get good Because it has all the constituent parts Of something good And then it was just like Nope Well if you want a recommendation of An action thriller that Shouldn't work but sort of does Have you tried The Foreigner

I love The Foreigner Oh great Jackie Chan goes to war with Jerry Adams It's so good It's amazing It's like a fever dream It's like someone got really Got a really bad fever and wrote down

Jackie Chan fights the IRA. And then they went ahead and they made a movie. But also they're like, okay, we're going to get Pierce Brosnan to play, quote, definitely not Jerry Adams. But we'll make him look exactly like Jerry Adams and dress like him and the same glasses and beard and hair. And he'll talk like him as well. It is astonishing but it's really good to watch like to watch a Chinese actor

using Vietnamese guerrilla tactics to fight the IRA it's so good I loved it all the reviews for Siberia with Keanu Reeves say To fight the IRA. It's so good. I loved it. I loved it.

I loved it. All the reviews for Siberia with Keanu Reeves say, the only reason I'm giving it one star is because Keanu Reeves eats pussy. There's a whole bit where he eats the woman's pussy and all the reviews mention it. Really? Loads of the tweets mention it, yeah. There was a funny article about it or something, yeah. Is that to show he's a feminist he's a nice diamond businessman yeah i don't know he might be a criminal but he's a feminist oh he's not even a criminal he is like a real diamond guy oh i see okay it's just that who buys diamonds you know it's like it's not a nice business

right so it's uncut gems in siberia isn't no because uncut gems had pace and tension this is keanu reeves wandering between siberia and saint petersburg going where where are the diamonds and then going hang on and then just banging the siberian barmaid for another seven minutes it's such a weirdly put together film I just like the fact that there was a South African guy in it and he was actually South African and they spoke Afrikaans that I liked hmm but beyond

that I just yeah I just I wasn't it's definitely the I think he literally he did it between John Wicks. Okay. Like, I think they smushed it into his schedule. It's an intra-Wicks movie. It's intra-Wicks. It's intra-Wicks.

Yeah, and it's like... Yeah. Is it fine to have it on the background? Kind of, but your brain can't concentrate because your brain keeps thinking but surely now it's gonna turn into something and it just kind of doesn't and I always

wonder like this film cost you know hundreds of how much did it cost actually it should be on the wiki they're so expensive to make yeah yeah it's got such bad reviews they're so expensive to make yeah yeah it's got such bad reviews it doesn't say how much it costs

but guess it's box office guess it? yeah 30 million just over half a million dollars oh no woof but it's out in cinemas

oh this is what it came out so this is pre-covid it came out it's from 2018 yeah oh fuck even then half a million dollars half a million dollars Half a million dollars It was really

12% on Rotten Tomatoes Yeah it's stinky stuff It's pretty stinky stuff man Anyway well you know From stinky stuff to Stinky stuff let's do some correspondence Correspondence Letters.

Emails. Phone calls. Your sister. Keep it straight. Letters. Correspondence. Into the freezing tundra. From the freezing

tundra of Siberia to the peeing Bumbra Bumbra of correspondence That's right So we have

a message from Gigi Gigi! Hadid! At last! I knew I knew she was a fan Yeah, well she kept signing off a fan. Yeah, well, she kept signing off her tweets koji, didn't she? That's right. None of her followers knew what she meant.

So, the subject line of this is quite good. The subject line of her email is, mysterious old Malaysian man and a toilet door. Ooh! This sounds right up my street. Yeah. Malaysia Street.

It sounds like a funny roast way to describe you and me. This is a mysterious old Malaysian guy and some toilet door over here. That guy's built like a toilet door. That guy's like a toilet door. That guy's like a toilet door. Ciao, Filippo and Piero

in nostri giovanotti di cacca. What is that? In the night of the gentleman poo. In nostri is, I think, hour. Nostra, like hour. I don't know what giovanotti is, but di cacca. So like hour somethings of poo. I nostri is I think our nostre like our I don't know what Giovannotti is but di caca so like our somethings of poo our gentleman of poo

yeah maybe I used to work as an international flight attendant for a middle eastern airline oh cool oh that's something I've ever heard from a flight attendant before or an ex-flight attendant every month we were able to request

Certain destinations And one of my favourites was Kuala Lumpur Ah lovely Every month we were able The crew hotel had an infinity pool Wow That's not bad And the local area was cool

Bangsar and the Mid Valley Mega Mall okay yeah I think I have a I don't know KL very well but like that's a big shopping district I think yeah she says where I spent many enjoyable hours drinking boba tea and looking at tat lovely

I'm always so intrigued by like flight attendants and flight crews are such a mysterious like fascinating world yeah you know like what they get up to their their their schedules and their little secrets their little code words have you read that great david sadaris piece about flight attendants yes yeah and the way they on american airlines they walk down with a rubbish bag going, you're trash, your family's trash,

you're trash, and how he sees that, how he perceives that, knowing how much contempt they have for their passengers. You're trash, your family's trash. Apparently, if you, if there's like a like a long like a 12-hour flight right and it lands apparently the worst thing in the world is like opening the the door to the to the walkway right the right for the the the airport staff to open the door. You're cracking open a fucking tin of farts. And everyone in there is acclimatized to them.

Yeah, everyone in there is fine, and you just get this blast of bum sweat. Right in your fucking face. Absolutely vile. Yeah. So she says, The guest demographic for KUL was on the older side, either elderly Muslims returning from Haji Or Chinese tour groups On their way back from a European holiday

You know, the ones who wear Matching brightly coloured polyester tracksuits And caps with the group leader waving a flag On a very long stick Yes, yeah, yeah Old Chinese ladies with Poker visors for some reason They all wear like

Croupier visors for some reason they all wear like they all like wear like croupier visors they they all look like they run a bank in the wild west yes but they're dressed for the olympics they're going to the olymp to the Olympics as their country's top Wild West banker. That's so funny. Many of them were first-time flyers and therefore didn't

know how to close or lock the toilet doors properly. And this led to an abundance of awkward moments. We had to conduct hourly cabin safety checks, a key part of which was checking the toilets for bombs or smoking or general cleanliness. Fair enough.

Yep. Thank you for your service, Gigi. Thank you for your service. On one particular occasion, we were midway through the night flight, through a night flight. Half the crew had gone for a rest in the bunks and there were two of us left on patrol in the back galley.

I like it. The other girl went to the flight deck, and I started conducting the checks. I thought they would be easy, as most of the cabin were asleep. I pushed open what appeared to be a vacant toilet, and instead found an old Chinese man. Okay, here we go. He was completely naked.

I found an old Chinese man. He was completely naked, apart from his white socks and sandals. Yep. Yep. Sounds about right. And was pissing into the sink. Oh, no!

Or rather, he was trying to piss in the sink because his aim was very poor and it was all over the counter and the mirror and the floor. Oh my god. A Malaysian-Chinese guy. This is a Malaysian-Chinese guy.

Must be, yeah. Fucking hell, man. Yeah. Must be, yeah. Fucking hell, man. Yeah. I shrieked. Closed the door and locked it from the outside. Locking him in. Then I went and sat in the galley and put my head in my hands and just tried

to forget what I'd just seen. try to forget what I'd just seen. About 20 minutes later, the same old man entered the galley, fully clothed in his tracksuit and cap. Oh, yeah. He was holding the toilet door. What?

He broke it off? No. Yes, he was holding the entire toilet door taken completely off its hinges. She'd messed with the wrong Chinese guy. Yeah. With a wide and warm smile on his face, he placed the door at my feet and then disappeared off into the dark cabin. Like a gift. This is for you. I have done this.

Leaving me completely dumbfounded. I don't remember what, if anything, I said to him, but surely okay, thank you would have been appropriate. I just love the idea of this old Chinese guy trying to open the door from the inside. It seems to be a bit stuck. There you go. Like the Hulk.

I mean, that's impressive. How did he take it off? It's so impressive because he could also... It's amazing that in all of his fiddling with the door, he didn't just unlock it. Yeah, of course. So it's even madder. Did he have like a tiny screwdriver like from a cracker or maybe he used the little shitty toothbrush they give you a little packet on some flights and he he sharpened it into a shiv, like in prison, and used that.

This guy's old Chinese pissy MacGyver. I thought that's mad. It sounds to me like he might have been... Because in mainland China, you know, there's a whole generation of very rural Chinese people who've suddenly come in to money and are suddenly for the, like the first in their family line to, to travel, to go on holiday, to go get on planes. And like the Hong Kong Chinese have terrible things to say about these people when they come down to Hong Kong.

Yeah. You know, they, they, they, they think they're like disgusting because they just don't know how to use toilets. They think they're disgusting because they just don't know how to use toilets. So it would be less surprising to me if he was a mainland Chinese person. Malaysian and from KL, I'd be surprised. Well, it's a big hub, right? He could have been on a connecting flight.

This is what I'm thinking, yeah. Yeah. So she says, says we the crew including the captain all tried to get the door back on the frame but gave up it was too difficult only he only the old chinese man knows how to take it off put it on and take it off he knows the way of the door door on door off it's part of the karate kid training toilet door on toilet door off it's part of the karate kid training toilet door on toilet door off and pissing in the sink

I went through the cabin trying to find the man but amongst the polyester he could not be found just blending into the crowd just formlessly blending like yeah catch me if you can or or like hannibal lecter at the end of silence of the lambs just she runs she runs back come here quick he was wearing a full tracksuit and a visor over his and then they open the curtain and they see that everyone is

dressed like that and they're all yeah somehow they all seem like they might have recently pissed all over themselves. They're all that old. I want to know how he took it off. Yeah. Well, she says, life leaves so many questions unanswered. Continua a segarlo. Keep jacking it, I guess that must mean. Gigi.

Thank you, Gigi. Grazie. Is she Italian or something? I guess. I mean. thank you Gigi grazie is she Italian or something I I guess I mean there's no other reason to speak Italian

in in an email that is about a Chinese guy that's true but she's a flight attendant so maybe she just knows loads of yeah little phrases

do you think do you think you'd hack it as a flight attendant I'd be so bad I'd just try and avoid people fuck no, I don't really fit in planes that's true no way, yeah, absolutely not

yeah, I would no, I would have a bad time I think having to walk around and I guess, what would be the fun bit? time, I think. Yeah. Having to walk around and... I guess, what would be the fun bit? Just wandering up and

down the aisle, farting away? Yeah, maybe gossiping about the passengers with the other flight attendants. Yeah, but he pulled the door right off its hinges, spitting in the sink. I think that'd be fun. That could be pretty good.

Trying to fend off the sexual attention of the co-pilot. Yeah, yeah. Is that a thing? It must be. It must get kinky. Travelling around the world with all these... Because the people who work in flight crews, I mean, they're not all, know world class beauties but they're never like ugly they're always like i've never seen an

ugly pilot and flight attendants are always like at least a six male and female they're all at least a six or a seven, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. I wonder how much they have to try and pretend that that's not how they hire people. It's certainly not how British Airways hires people, I do have to say.

But the rest... British Airways is commendable in its, I must assume, blind process. Everyone gets blindfolded and has to hand out peanuts. Yes, yes. I mean, I think the British Airways flight crew application process is purely meritocratic. It must be. They must bang. They're traveling all over the world in uniforms. Uniforms to turn people on.

Yeah. They stay reasonably in ice hotels, by the sounds of it. They're cramped up. They're on tour, basically. Their life is on tour. Yeah. That's right. This is one of my favorite beginnings to an email.

For the brothers dung. For the brothers what? Dung. Dung. I like that. For the brothers dung. It's very funny. Like the brothers grim.

Yeah, the brothers dung. That's good. So here's the full sentence for the brother's dung i present a piece of extremely foul information about my mother great way to start any correspondence i would you know how they always go on about how like the first sentence all these famous books is always really engaging Yeah I'd buy the book

Yeah Yeah this is a great starter novel Yeah My sister and I are aficionados of turd based conversation And around the table At dinner time Mid first lockdown We were discussing the finer points of a waffle stomp

A waffle stomp Yeah I know what that is, what do you think it is A waffle stomp Yeah It sounds like an ancient Annual Sport in some village in England

Yeah Where everyone in the town has to come together and stomp on a big waffle. And for some reason, everyone's in blackface. And they refuse to stomp. Well, I simply wouldn't be a waffle stomp, sir, without your blackface. Yeah, that's what a waffle stomp sounds like to me.

Whoever's last person stomping the waffle wins. The last person stomping the waffle is the town mayor. Yeah, is mayor until the next waffle stomp. Yeah, unless he can't eat a whole turnip. All these little bets. But the title of mayor Is purely ceremonial at this point Yeah you wear like an antler crown

And they kind of carry you on a chair It's a gilded cage really Paraded around It's a kind of It's a cage but it's good That's right it's a cage but it's a nice I don't know if anyone's ever said anything like this before But it's a cage but like like a good-looking cage,

or like an expensive one. Like if there was a prison, but the prison was also like a mansion. Yeah, I hope listeners can get their heads around this idea. I mean, if they can't, then let's just hope that their children can someday. Yeah, with enough activism and education. Yes. day yeah yeah with enough um activism and education yeah yes well phil i'm afraid that the waffle stump is the act of taking a poo in the shower and violently hammering it down the drain at the heel of your no i hate that that happens regularly enough that there's a term for

it i think it might be one of those sycopedia things where it has a term in the abstract oh I hate it that's like one of those like when you're a teenager all those horrific sex positions with these ridiculous names and you go one person has done this but the name

is good enough that the name has gone viral yeah and almost all of those names ended up being someone shitting on someone's chest. Yeah, yeah. And they go, yeah, but this time they do it and they're smoking a cigar. And you're like, all right.

Is that why you called it the Cuban thingy? You know? There's really some asinine detail in there So The sisters are discussing waffle stomping at dinner The sisters Come into the parlour The sisters are discussing waffle stomping

Please The women will now retire to the parlour To discuss waffle stomping And other female things. The men will have cigars and port in the sitting room. Why can't you be like your sisters? Sit at the

table and talk about waffle-stumping instead of all this talk of music and dance so the Bronte sisters are there chatting about waffle stomping the stompy sisters

the stompy sisters are chatting she says my mother announced that she had done worse The Stompy Sisters are chatting. She says, My mother announced that she had done worse. Gosh. Wow. Cool. Yes.

We were intrigued by this, since she's a 50-something-year-old NHS doctor who earns a cockapoo. Yes, all intriguing ingredients. Yeah, and a pinnacle, a pillar of society. Yes, this is what I was clapping for on my doorstep. A waffle-stomping mother of two. And a cockapoo.

That sounds like one of the things that they say in American presidential debates. They talk about the people they met on the trail. that they say in American presidential debates. They talk about the people they met on the trail. Well, I was in Indiana just the other day talking to a waffle-stomping mother or two. And all she cared about was taxes. She said, why do you... Anyway.

She told us that she had once done a stubborn beast of a poo in the disabled toilet at the hospital where she works Which had refused to flush Oh no This made sense to us Since she is always saying that the holes in our toilets at home are far too small What is this? A toilet from

a doll's house? That is a complaint that is... that reveals more about you than the toilet. You should just walk into a room and say, I take fat dumps. Just say that. They're as wide as they are

long, my dumps. They're as wide as they are long, my dumps. They're like bowling balls. We have tried to explain that the size problem is not in the holes, but she is blind to the suggestion that it could be anything to do with her personal creative output. Anyway, it was after hours when this occurred, and she was pretty much alone in the building So she decided to take care of the monstrous poo herself Oh god But this bold dweller

Refused both the toilet brush And the plunger Mmm Is she going to use a stethoscope Or something I don't know why she didn't just leave it at this point But apparently the thought didn't even cross her mind.

Well, she's a responsible person, you know. She's a doctor. She's a doctor. Always thinking of the greater good. You know, Phil, if you want to feel bad when there's a tragedy, look for people who are running towards the giant dump.

Look for the helpers, yeah? There are your heroes. There's always helpers. For everyone who's running away scared, there's always someone running towards the huge poo. Trying to fix it. Instead, what she did was run frantically to the staff kitchen of the aforementioned NHS hospital.

There's nothing in the kitchen I'd want to be... A knife? Yep. Take a knife from the cutlery drawer, run back and use the knife to cut up her poo. No. No. Like she's...

Like she's trying to feed a baby. It's for solids. Like she works in a deli. Oh. It's like she's trying to get into manageable chunks for someone who can't chew at the moment. I loved

manageable chunks' drum solo. Just hacking at the turd like a psycho oh that's horrible I mean I should talk I've as listeners of this podcast will know I've stabbed a poo you have

I've not cut one up like have! I've stabbed a poo. I've not cut one up, like I was disposing of a body, but I have stabbed a poo to check on my gut health. Yes, yes. So you can empathise. I can. So, she says,

this worked, but also resulted in poo going everywhere. Yeah. Spattered all over her. Like she's a murderer. Like she's Jason. How did it go everywhere, though? Does she mean all over the loo?

Like, how's it leaving the bowl? With what level of energy is she attacking this lump of shit? Maybe all over her? Yeah, I guess. So she says that she made an out-of-order sign for the toilet door and reported it to the cleaner as if she'd found it like that. I mean, what she did was out of order. It was a confession!

So she reported to the cleaner as if she'd found it like that and then took the poo knife, open brackets, rinsed, home with her. And threw it in the bush. She went over a bridge and, like, threw it, looked around to make sure no one was watching and threw it into the river. She gave it to Fat Tony to get rid of.

She gave it to Fat Tony to get rid of. So she's telling this story to the Bronte, to the Stompy sisters. She says, oh, I took, and I took the knife home. So she says, at this point, it stopped being a joke to us. We asked her. Did one of the sisters slowly pull a knife out of their mouth? That they were licking the butter off of? Well, we asked her what she'd done with the knife.

She laughed lightheartedly and said that she'd been using it ever since to cut up her more voluptuous excretions. No! So she kept... No. She had a poo knife. She had a poo knife. I've heard of a poo knife before on the internet. Mummy's

poo knife. Now dear, don't touch that. That's mummy's poo knife. Oh my god. Where did she keep it? Not with the other knife. Mummy's poo knife. She said she kept it in the cupboard under the sink. Oh my god.

Until it disappeared a couple of years ago. Oh no. A silence descended. I found the knife, said my father. I put it in the

dishwasher. No! It's in with all the other knives now No I knew that Part of me knew this was coming I was still not ready for it No That's horrible

This is like an urban myth Yeah No I hate it You better start believing in poo knives, boy. You're in one. The poo knife is among them. Yeah. My mother thinks that this story is a silly one.

She laughs when it is mentioned. She thinks it's hilarious. We do not think it is hilarious We sit at the table for meals And look at the knife by our plate Wondering if it's the one We don't know how to tell people who come to visit We watch them use the knife Without a care in the world.

Oh, God. I've got a year left of this before I leave for university. My sister has three. Neither of us think of our mother in quite the same way. I can imagine. Poo knife, Mum. If I tell her my mum had a poo knife, I'd have to completely reconsider the person I thought she was.

Yeah, yeah, you'd have to rebuild the image of your mother from the poo knife up. Poo knife, bringing it home. Given how long ago it went into the dishwasher, we have all eaten with the poo knife at some point. Not to mention the poo knife particles that were all eaten with the poo knife at some point not to mention the the the poo knife particles that were just shared with the rest of the wash yes that's true but if you believe in like memory water what was it called with that oh homeopathy homeopathy yeah then then if anything the poo's been accentuated oh like it's it's those knives

are more covered with poo than if they were literally made of poo yeah you believe in homeopathy if you believe in homeopathy you're basically eating a full turd every time you sit down for dinner at that house given how long ago it went to the dishwasher we've all eaten with the poo knife at some point and we can't throw it out because we have no idea which of the fucking knives it is you'd have to throw out all the knives you'd have to buy a completely new set of knives yeah also like i quite like that as a life philosophy we've all eaten with a poo knife um my sister and i are signing this email as yapu creators of the smash hit only poo this is because we are too ashamed to use our names

only yours yours yeah i don't understand yapoo creators of the smash hit OnlyPoo. Have they emailed in before about OnlyPoo? Oh, maybe. It's too hot to remember. Is OnlyPoo like an OnlyFans, but purely scatological? Yeah. You can subscribe to photos Photos of celebrity dumps Yeah

People would be fascinated by that Definitely People would be absolutely fascinated by that That would make money, terrifyingly Oh, there's a story Did we talk about the story of that YouTuber gal or something Who sold jars of

her bath water oh yeah she would sell bits of her bath yeah yeah i mean what i mean good honor good honor but it's another one of those things where you think okay but put all your please pass all your customers details to the police we're gonna let you make money out of this but you've got to have a public service aspect to it well i love the story of um poo knife and all the best for university someone yeah good luck pooh knife godspeed pooh knife pooh knife brown pooh knife stomp tay of the stomp tay sisters also good writers they are good very good writer

as all of the stomppte sisters are Yes oh yeah Also talented You can debate who's doing the widest dumps But it's such a what a family Catherine gets in touch Catherine Selling the water from her bathroom Very nice Thank you She says selling the water from her bathroom very nice

thank you she says hello spill tang and poo fear no telling spill tang yeah yeah so I guess urine is quite tangy and what's yours poo fear poo fear

not no telling no telling yeah sinister I like that is sinister poo What's yours? Poo fear. Poo fear. No telling. No telling. Yeah, sinister. That is sinister. Poo fear. No telling. There's no telling what poo fear he has. There's no telling what poo he fears.

He fears no poo. He fears no mortal poo. he fears no mortal poo i am no mortal poo no stabbed to death by one of poo knife mom's fat dumps um i must begin this correspondence by admitting my own personal shameful failing I have never gotten poopsick in a morally or socially devastating enough situation to provide you with a good story

well then what the hell are you doing here Catherine how powerful is your celebrity to make 18 to 34 year olds worldwide feel incomplete for always making it to a toilet in time that's very good. Yeah. 18 to 34-year-olds.

She says, However, I have a possible answer for Pierre's inquiry about how the Wicked Witch of the West and vampires survive when small amounts of light and water are omnipresent. Okay. Oh, good, good, good. This is a question we needed an answer to a while back. Yeah.

She says, I happen to be a Midwestern American with a diagnosed food and contact allergy to corn. Oof, that's rough. Jesus. A food and contact, so, like, can't even touch corn. You get, like, eczema and like x amount stuff and yeah i imagine it's everywhere there as well corn in the midwest of america corn is one of the biggest crops after

soya bean isn't it in america and it's heavily heavily heavily subsidized that's right yeah that's why it's like being allergic to snow in the fucking arctic so she says where i live corn and its byproducts are ubiquitous enough to be considered the light and water of the midwest yeah many people don't realize that corn byproducts high fructose corn syrup have invaded every industry from organic produce production to personal care and medicine and food packaging and paper goods. Paper goods? Yeah, they'll be like cornstarch to hold it together or something. Jesus.

God knows. So if my experience is transferable, I would say that witches and vampires are either itchy or Benadryl drunk about 100% of the time. And never 100% confident that they won't vomit or shit themselves on any given occasion.

Fucking hell, Catherine. Wow, a real-life Wicked Witch of the West. Yeah. We can ask one directly. Wicked Witch of the Midwest. Of course, how did I miss that? Jackham, if you got him. Catherine did I miss that? Jackham, if you got him. Catherine.

I like that, Jackham. That's good. Jackham, if you got him, boys. Wow. And the bravery, and I guess loyalty, and sort of patriotism of Catherine. Not to move. Not to leave the Midwest. She must love the Midwest. The people must be really nice

to put up with this they're so constantly itchy and sick yeah so friendly like hi itchy eh we're all like asking nice questions about it yeah oh sure well don't pay her any mind she's itchy all the time if you gotta poop you can poop wherever you want Your contact allergy diarrhea Is my contact allergy diarrhea This is equivalent of someone I know Who is part Scottish, half Scottish And deathly allergic to alcohol

Like her throat will close up And she will die Wow Fuck I feel like alcohol in Scotland Not to perpetuate close up and she will die. Wow. Fuck. Yeah, I feel like alcohol in Scotland, not to perpetuate old stereotypes, is the equivalent of corn in the Midwest.

I would have thought. Yeah, I think that's fair. Because in Scotland, if it's not alcohol, what is it? It's not haggis. There's more booze than haggis. That's certainly true. Dancing around a big sword. Kilts. Tartan.

There's definitely more alcohol than kilts. Tower blocks. Glens. Sort of harsh but beautiful writing morning rolls what are morning rolls morning rolls are those kind of slightly fluffy

um bread rolls that um are the generic bread roll of Scotland but not of England yes yes yes they're not a bap they're better than a bap better than a bap better They're not a bap. They're better than a bap. Better than a bap, better than a bap.

Better than a bap, better than a bap. Poo knife, better than a bap. Some excellent correspondence this week, I have to say. Really good stuff. Really good stuff. We're getting closer and closer to being up to date, everyone. We're getting there. We should probably remind people of the email address because I've realized

we've been so correspondence rich we haven't even had to make an appeal for anymore we still get some dribbling in sure but it is thebudpod at gmail dot com thebudpod at gmail dot com

and if I may One final Pod advert for My London Palladium shows Yes My London Palladium shows this Saturday This Saturday This Saturday

Oh and well when this comes out It'll be Wednesday and the final Night of my extra dates at the Soho Theatre is Wednesday night. Currently, it's Tuesday when we're recording this, and I'd like to thank all the pod buds who came to Soho Theatre last night, Monday night. There were loads of you guys. It was really nice.

Oh, that's great. I mentioned you, Phil, on the podcast, and there was a wonderful wonderful noise there's so many there was double figures definitely that's amazing yeah it was great fantastic thanks very much for coming guys yeah there was some kojis thrown around

I got a koji the other night at one of my warm up shows it's nice it's always nice the bud pod revolution very nice okay great well I'll do Yeah, at one of my warm-up shows. It's nice. It's always nice. The Bud Pod Revolution. Very nice. Okay, great. Well, I'll do one quick little email from Kristen. Okay.

Hey, Tweedle P and Tweedle Dung. Tweedle P and Tweedle Dung. Love it. Yeah. After Rebecca's email about a shot glass of fart, I was Where her brother Her brother farted into a shot glass

And kind of fired it at her face Oh yeah I remember that Awful I was reminded of a foul prank my brother used to pull on me One Christmas He was given a really large piggy bank That was shaped like a Budweiser can. Okay, yep, yep, yep.

I remember this. It was made of the thickest industrial strength plastic. Okay. It was the height of a small stool, not the poo kind. Okay. Wow, that's big. And my brother had realized that the coin slot was the perfect

fit to his, quote, blowhole. No. This is disgusting. In fact, it was not uncommon to see him pants down, sitting wistfully upon his throne. As in the piggy bank? Yeah, in an attempt to preserve his most offensive farts. I like the idea that he's saving his farts for a rainy day look after the look after the farts and the turds will look after themselves

one day his parents are like we're gonna have to sell the farm and there's a very sweet moment where this young boy runs off to get his piggy bank and goes will this help and he smashes it open with a hammer and all these farts just come out Mama what about this parents just vomit why would that help help. Gagging. That's funny.

I was only trying to help. I thought it would help mama. No. So he sits on this little Budweiser can thing with his asshole over the coin slot Farting away Awful Yeah

Wistfully upon his throne In an attempt to preserve his most offensive farts How did he keep them in you ask? A Play-Doh cork Oh god This guy's really thought it through He's really thought it through I admire the craftsmanship of it.

Yeah, the commitment. Yeah. I came home from school not once, but twice. This is a very funny phrasing. I came home from school not once, but twice to the uncapped fart bank in my bedroom

what just slowly leaking out just slowly diffusing yeah like Chernobyl and the demonic stench we have to get out of here and the demonic stench of at least two months worth Of stale, rancid butt wind Infiltrating my nostrils, bedsheets and clothes

Oh my god Like a humidifier Like a humidifier A glade bum in This really tickled me The idea of coming home come in. This really tickled me, the idea of coming home and, oh, god, what a day at school. You open your door and you go, uh-oh, and the first thing you see is the can,

uncapped. And then it hits you. And it's a big, big Budweiser. It's also really funny because you'd think, like, well, surely the parents would intervene, but the only way you can intervene is by uncapping the fart bank and releasing them so you're still not helping ah it's a funny prank it's a perfect crime it's the perfect prank um it was the worst albeit hilarious in retrospect kristen ps praise was redacted Thank you, Kristen Appreciate it, man

Thanks for that story Catherine's email Subject was Shitting Witches Which I thought was really good Shitting Witches Shitting Witches, yeah Because that was to do with The Corn, yes

I just quite like I'd listen to an album by the corn. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just quite like... I'd listen to an album by the Shitting Witches. Yeah. Definitely. Second album was a tricky second album, definitely. But their first album was. Absolutely. Not everyone listened to the Shitting Witches,

but everyone who did started a shit of their own. Everyone who did took a shit, and that's a big deal. Yeah. That's right. Well, thank you very much, listeners. I hope you're enjoying summer, the lovely weather, oppressive fucking hotness weather.

Thank you for coming to Soho Extra Dates. If you're listening to this, there may be some tickets left for tonight. There may not be, but mainly focus on Phil's. Saturday, baby. London Palladium. Here we go. At last. At long last.

At long last. Thanks, guys. Have a good week. Cheers, guys. Bye.