BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 12 - Correspondent's Dinner!

Episode Date: May 15, 2019

CORRESPONDENT’S DINNER! Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie read lots of emails! Bedtime dj/depression djs, Phil got to meet the Shame Nun from Game of Thrones! Bad Tyrion Lannister impressions, Bugs Bunny is incontinent and should be ashamed, more bread farts, unwanted catchphrase, some cool/uncool from you! Shout out to our hero Adam Buxton, Pierre made a woman VOMIT with only AUDIO! And burps again and Phil HATES it. Get in touch! [e-mail] or @thebudpod on Twitter! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh, it's episode 12, a normal person's dozen. Yes, yeah, a faker's dozen. Yeah, a non-baker's dozen. We're your fakers. The old 12. How are you doing, Phil? I'm okay. You got taken off the air.

Oh, yeah. Podbuds, I recently, last Thursday I recorded an episode of Stalwart British comedy panel show Have I Got News For You and they pulled it I was too hot for TV first time in Have I Got News For You history that an episode has ever been

pulled off the air and... Was it the first time ever? First time ever. Really? Yeah. So I'm part of Haveavagani's view of history I don't understand Because it was because of Heidi Allen They were like, oh, it's impartiality laws or something That's what they said

Yeah, so Heidi Allen was running for European Parliament And it's because we were too close to the elections Yeah, but then they've got all Farage and stuff everywhere But that's on Question Time Where there are other people with opposite views. In theory. Yeah, in theory, arguing against him. But the amount of times he's been on...

Yeah, I mean, they should add them up. For someone who's not an MP. For someone who's just a guy. Essentially a man in a pub who's good at admin. Yeah. Or at the very least good at being the face of people who are good at admin. By which I mean just signing up a part of the pub. He's not. He's the face of people who are good at admin By which I mean just signing up a part of them

He's not, he's the face of people who are good at Smoking and drinking real ale And just working in the city of London In hunting jackets In the city Why are you wearing a hunting jacket in the city? Nigel, what have you been doing? What are you hunting?

The greatest, most dangerous prey of all Barkins How was You met a Budpod fan hunting. The greatest, most dangerous prey of all. Bargains. How was... You met a Budpod fan. You met a Podbud. I met a Podbud at the Havago News for recording. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're spreading. We're spreading. He gave me a most uncool

cool thing, which was DJing. Yeah, and we got that, I think, from... Let me see. I think I know who it was, but I want to be absolutely correct. We got... ZZ is it? Yes.

The restaurant. From ZZ's. They sent us a most uncle cool thing and some lovely dough balls. Yes. Some... Yeah. And some uh what was the what's i don't know what's easy so i don't even know if they have dough balls zz's is like pretzo and all those other kind of like yeah places zz's pretzo strada oh my god yeah i don't know if strada's

still around i remember there was a nice strada in cambridge i remember they're all shutting down now because they because they opened so many so quickly. Everyone was like, wait, I'm paying a lot of money for pizza that, due to the overextending of the company, is no longer any better than take away a pizza

from somewhere that's not shit. Or just one I can buy in the supermarket and put in an oven. And everyone suddenly woke up. It was like everyone woke up from a dream and went, wait, this is pasta. Why am I spending this on pasta?

Because bad pasta and bad pizza are pretty close to as good as good pasta and pizza. If you burn a steak, you've really fucked it. Whereas if you'd make a kind of crappy like English version of an Italian dish where you add cream and white wine like you're not supposed to, it's still good. I once forgot about a pot of pasta I had on

the boil and I boiled it for like 25 minutes or something. And I went, oh no oh no but then I pulled it out and he was saying it was fine it was fine just a bit gloopy yeah like a tiny bit but whatever this is fine oh no we were doing a lot of oh no-ing listeners at

the MacFest, MacComedyFest a couple weeks ago with our slow Poo friend because of a comedy sketch that you were involved with. That we did there once, yeah, where someone died and our only response to someone dying was Oh no!

You had to be there. It's just the idea of someone actually saying oh no as a sincere response to a tragedy. Because it's such a because it's such a non-instinctive response and yet it is the response that you put in like a comic book but very unconsciously saying it like taking out the time yeah setting your back straight and going oh no it's just a funny way to react not just going oh no disaster yeah not just going like oh no oh no she's going oh no

really enunciating these are my words I've chosen yes it was ZZ she said oh you pronounced my name correctly and now I don't remember how I did that so I feel like a bum bum anyway it's a big old meaty thing she sent she said DJs

are like train spotters that was her angle on it so DJs are a lotjs are like train spotters that was her angle on it oh okay so djs are a lot of drugs and train spotting that's true that's true they do love heroin it makes you relaxed enough to stand near a steaming train as it barrels past you uh she's very nice she says she loves the podcast and so on and she says that that the least cool, cool thing, DJs, surface level cool. Yeah. Immediately recognizable as such.

DJs, if you ask people, cool profession. But they are secret weirdo nerds. Yeah. And it's all a front. Well, the good ones are. Well, this is it. If they're actually cool people, they're terrible DJs. Yeah.

I was at a party on Saturday night and there was this kind of middle-aged looking guy, like a normal looking guy walking around. I was like, I don't think he knows anyone at the party. What's he doing here? And someone was like, oh, he's a DJ. And he got on. He was great. Really, really good. He was matching beats. He was like slipping in between

different genres but making it work. Really excellent stuff. But if someone is like, I've seen some very cool looking guys DJ, and they're fucking shit, man. They're just playing a Spotify playlist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they've never had to work for it.

And they're the best dressed. If they're really well dressed before they're rich, they're bad. Yeah, sure. Obviously, that middle-aged nerdy guy, if he was selling O2 Arena tickets, he's got the money for a personal stylist and he's going to get some sunglasses

that are made of glow sticks or whatever the fuck and it's going to look really great. But I'm imagining him in a sort of grey polo shirt and jeans. Yeah, pretty much. That's pretty much him. So she clarifies she's talking about... This is easy. Yeah, so she's not's pretty much him. So she clarifies she's talking about... This is easy. Yeah, so she's not talking about the bedroom DJs

that everyone decides to become in uni. They're classic. They're just uncool, as you've said, because they're just bad. It's just a selected playlist. She's talking about superstar DJs that do sell-out arenas, festivals, residencies, and so on. The ones that, on the face of it,

are the coolest people alive. So yes, these people do live amazing lives and party all the time and take loads of drugs and stay up way past their bedtimes. Which is a real feature of DJing. Very few DJs with bedtimes. You know how many dance songs are about the dance floor? Why aren't they more about being out of bed?

Right? Because that's the corollary of being on the dance floor is that you're not in bed. And no one here is in bed. Get out of bed. Not a single one of us is in bed. We are sleepy.

We are sleepy. We are sleepy. That should be it. That should be it. That should be a flaw, Phil. Everyone jumping. My legs hurt, my legs hurt, my legs hurt. Like, just really going on about the tail end of the night. The bit of the nightclub where it's past,

I'm going to say half past one. Or 2am. That's when it gets to be really tough yeah there should be that would be like DJing for people with depression yeah yeah yeah well done on just being out that's right make some small talk

just really high energy 170 180 BPM just to get you to do the shopping yeah and hoovering

that would be great well what else is ZZC about they're way past their bedtimes yeah they're being really nerdily passionate

about a specific thing uh so not only are djs uncool and a classic louis levels uh good thank you for using louis levels yeah it's our preferred a lot of we're not metric or imperial we're louis yeah uh putting in effort to achieve something uncool uh but also if you think about the way good djing works you have to know not only the exact song that will go with the song you want to play, but at what exact point. You have to know what BPM everything is. You have to know. And how you know that is by obsessively listening to music on your own for years, collecting beats and rhythms in your mind palace.

DJs are essentially trained spotters for music. She saw a documentary a while ago about the history of dance music. We were talking to Fatboy Slim. He took the crew into his office, and honestly, it was creepy. Floor to ceiling files like a madman. He was like, mmm yes, I remember that set in 98. I layered over a beat at 25 seconds into the 17th track

let me find it for you. And went into his collection like some mad butterfly collector or Ollivander from Harry Potter. No idea. He's a wand guy. Ollivander. That's all of them, isn't it? Isn't it isn't it they're just books about wand guys

that's a fair point he's the merchant the wand giver the wand chooses the wizard that's his catchphrase which I mean like given the fact that there should be a pattern

more of a pattern with how evil a lot of the wands are. And then much is made of the fact that Harry Potter's wand is the same as Voldemort's wand. Oh, it's like a synchronicity, symmetry thing. But in reality, you'd be like, no, the wand covered in swastikas has chosen you. That's probably not let you go to school. Don't let them fool you.

DJs are just humongous dweebs. They've just, as a society, we've decided knowing and caring about dance music is cooler than, say, ancient coins. DJs are massive spods, too. Well, it's just the context for the output of their nerdism is cool. It's because it's at a nightclub

and everyone's dancing. It's very hard to dance to ancient. Getting high with a nerdy guy. And never being in bed again. I hate bed. I hate it. Hate bed. Don't you hate bed too?

You've got to have that high-pitched singing woman. Like a lot of 90s tracks. Uh-huh. I hate bad. Like really operatic. I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I'm so tired oh fucking hell

that's a good point thanks ZZ that is a classic uncool cool thing DJs and I think yeah I mean that's something that's quite odd isn't it because musicians are as nerdy about instruments, but like, because it's not a computer skill, they don't seem as nerdy, do they?

Because they're like, oh, you must be a nerd because you're really into the guitar. And you go, yeah, but I just play it with my fingers. And it's like manual, like almost like a manual labor. They're not sitting there going like, having to download programs. Yeah, you're not collecting things, yeah. And it's more sociable because they're in a group, I guess. That's part of it as well. And then the other one that we...

Oh, that's right. We got sent a big old meaty lad from Jocelyn. Jocelyn. She says, hi guys. I recently finally checked out the Bud Pod. I don't have an iPhone, so I had to do the whole downloading and then manually transferring to an old school classic iPod thing. Bloody hell. Yeah.

She says it's at least five more Louies. That's a lot of Louies of effort. That's so many iPhone people. And she's been listening to all the episodes this week during my commute it is now my favourite podcast oh nice I'm sorry I gotta go through that labour every week now

I'm sorry that now it's like you listening to this podcast you're listening to it the way people listen to podcasts in 2007 she's collecting them now like what news from the front the podcast in 2007? Well, she's collecting them now. Like, what news from the front? Just put it into

a sack. She's got to empty the sack out onto her table and sort it out. I'll have to move it from device to device so that it can make sense. It's like code breaking. She'll try and keep it relatively short here, she says, which is not true. It's a hell of a long email But that's fine

Anyway, her first pick for most uncool cool thing Is designer anything Designer clothes Yeah, yeah You've betrayed a lack of original thought Yes, yes, yes, yes And your opinion is that this thing that has been You've just been told is good

You're like, I agree Which is lame Based on no evidence other than I've been told The've just been told is good. It's cool. You're like, I agree. Which is lame. Based on no evidence other than I've been told. The bigger boy said it was good and I agree. She says, I mean,

you see these people walking around with Tony Burch shoes, don't know who that is, Michael Kors handbags, I think I've heard of that, and Gucci glasses, yeah.

And at first, they look really, really cool. And then you realize they just paid more for their jeans than my entire life is probably worth

if a kidnapper were to hold me for ransom compared to a pair of jeans you could buy at Walmart, Then you realize they just paid more for their jeans than my entire life is probably worth if a kidnapper were to hold me for ransom. Compared to a pair of jeans you could buy at Walmart, Primark, slash your country's discount store of choice for a fraction of the price except without a label or a logo stuck on it. So they really are the uncool suckers. I haven't heard anyone call a sucker in a while. That's a quite funny insult.

A sucker's good. Don't be a sucker. I'm going to stop. You sucker. Yeah, it's really funny. That's quite a funny insult a sucker's good don't be a sucker I'm going to start you sucker yeah it's really funny that's quite funny yeah what a sucker

yeah because it's very specific it's about being naive isn't it it's about being gullible yeah where if you just you fuckhead

like that that can be anything that can be so many you just get fucked in the head and some people like that yeah a sucker you're a sucker you're foolish imagine saying it really That can be anything. That can be so many things. You just get fucked in the head and some people like that. Yeah. A sucker. But you're a sucker.

You're foolish. Imagine saying it really, really like since... You're a sucker. And we're so angry. Sad sack is a funny insult as well. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, don't be suckers. Don't be suckers here. Suckers who are going into debt because they are ridiculously overpaying for a functional item.

suckers who are going into debt because they are ridiculously overpaying for a functional item ever since the first episode I can't pass a smoker without imagining that they are scratching all over like a drug addict from episode one yes that means me basically laughing at people who think they're cool but are internally causing their lungs to turn black and cancerous

double win guys for bringing humor into my life while mocking others who are giving second hand smoke lung cancer to innocent people. I guess so. That's a dramatic way to look at them. If they're outdoors, I don't know. One of my most favorite moments was Phil singing the American National Anthem.

And the ensuing discussion about what's going on in the song. She's American. She won't tell us how wrong or right we are. As an American, I'm very impressed with Phil's knowledge of several countries' national anthems, since most Americans don't actually know all the words to our own. I don't remember learning it in school, as we were too busy learning the names of 50 states and pledging allegiance to the flag.

We had to sing our national anthem every day at school in Malaysia. Yeah. Well, that's what's funny about America, is that a lot of its national anthem patriotism stuff is the behavior of a slightly dodgy... It's a colonial country thing, it's like yes, we're still surprised we're a country You know?

Everyone be proud that we're a country Don't turn us into one of the other three countries we could have been That civil war was ages ago, yeah Whereas here here like the uk is so secure in its statehood the uk has almost gone the other way where so many british people that you and i know

are basically the rest of us i'm so bored that we're a country yeah they're bored of it they almost want it to fall to bits yeah scott Scottish people, break us up. Yeah. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, it's Cornish independence. Like, just anything. Just anything that will just break it all to pieces so that something can happen. Yeah, I hope you like singing the anthem at school every day because...

It'll happen. If shit starts moving around, it'll happen. She says, I'll leave you with that for now. I love the podcast. Keep up the good work. Thank you, Jocelyn. Thanks, Jocelyn. Appreciate it, man.

Yeah, yeah, Jocelyn. Thanks, Jocelyn. Appreciate it, man. the dance floor now And we're here cause we're not in bed It's way past our bedtimes now I'm starting to feel dead I'm so tired Yeah I want to go to sleep But I can't

cause we're dancing We've all decided to go out Instead of being in bed I'm so tired, yeah I'm so sleepy I should be in bed I'm so sleepy, yeah I'm dancing when I should be

Resting my weary head Snow, snow Yoan, yoan Woah, woah, I wanna be snowing But instead I'm drinking my drink And shouting at people going What? What did you say? Huh?

Sorry, I didn't catch that. It's too late. What? Yeah, I guess so. Hmm? I'm going to the toilet. I'm so sleepy. Yeah.

Speaking of nerdy shit, yesterday I was on Sky's Thronecast, which is like the Game of Thrones follow-up show where they discuss Game of Thrones You're casting Thrones? Yeah Shout out to all the Americans listening who cannot stop themselves from tweeting spoilers within seconds of anything happening I've muted the words Game of Thrones on Twitter I've tried to, but it keeps showing me stuff Really?

Yeah, my muting is not working The Twitter app is a pile of shit, as is Twitter As is Twitter Yeah working. The Twitter app is a pile of shit. As is Twitter. As is Twitter. Tell you what though, a lot of Game of Thrones fans were not happy with me being on the commentary show. Really? Because they gave Dara O'Brien a lot of

abuse. Did they? Yeah, he did it a few weeks ago or something and they shat all over him. They all shit on whoever does it. They're hateful, hateful little orcs. I mean, the vast majority are absolutely fine no no Phil I want us to slander

an entire fan base uh what what uh uh oh dear Phil Wang V disappointing

too important an episode for his negativity bring some real fans next week please so real fans are people who just think every episode is absolutely fantastic And

Also That's like the polar opposite of the classic nerd fan Someone who thinks it's all good Yeah Yeah, and also Can you imagine wanting to listen to a sort of hour-long podcast About people just agreeing how brilliant everything is It's not a podcast, it's a TV show

So you've got What did you think of The Doors? The Doors were brilliant What did you think of The Doors? The Doors were brilliant! What did you think of the hair of all the actors? The hair was brilliant! Just endlessly coming in your pants over how brilliant everything was. And then that's your podcast for an hour.

How exciting. I've got a lot of classic... You're meant to be a comedian! All this sort of thing. Love it. I love that. I love the idea that comedians are like mathematicians

and that making people laugh is essentially just adding four and four to make eight and if you can't do that you're not a mathematician yeah as if it's not art at all you're meant to be a painter but the painting you've done is not to my liking

I'm the king of painting. Why aren't you painting now? Why aren't you painting at this very second? You say you're a painter. So, one particularly nasty lady... Name and shame. No. She's doing it publicly.

Yeah, but she has ten followers. Yeah, that's true. I have a threshold. Yeah. She says, saw you for the first time tonight. Are you actually a comedian? Question mark, exclamation mark, question mark. Still waiting for something funny.

And then the chin rubbing emoji. And then I didn't engage with that. So not pleased with the lack of engagement. She's then copied in Thronecast and the other guests. At Thronecast. Why, Phil and Wang? He's neither interesting or funny or famous.

I like the idea that if someone was neither funny nor interesting, they'd at least have to be very, very famous. Also, how have they gotten that famous? It's like Idi Amin, just on the... Well, he's not very interesting or funny, but... He was a dictator of Uganda.

But how boring would Idi Amin have to be to beat Idi Amin and still somehow manage not to be interesting? Yeah, of course. I'd be interested to hear Idi Amin's opinion on donuts. Just anything. He'd be like, yeah, that's just an opinion about donuts but let's not forget, that's Idi Amin's

opinion on donuts. Yeah, he probably thinks that Cersei's a bit of a pushover. Yeah, he's like can you imagine yeah i'd love to hear yeah dick cheney poisoned one girl in front of her mother they're just the only bits they enjoy are sort of executions yeah they're just finally and sat there really bored So I was on Every episode of Stoncast

They have someone from the actual Game of Thrones So this episode had Hannah Waddingham Very charming lady She played Septa The sort of priestess who followed the knight Shame

So she's the one with the bell She's Shame Nun You She played the Shame Nun She's Shame Nun Shame Nun, you got to meet Shame Nun Who in the show is a very stern, rather plain looking figure Evil, horrible But in real life, very tall and beautiful

Even like the uglier characters on the Game of Thrones are played by very beautiful people And you kind of think, I'll never be on a TV show. I can't even play the ugly ones. And in the books, I tried to read the books and I couldn't because they mix 10th century ways of talking

with 15th century ways of talking with 18th century ways of talking and Americanisms. Yeah, I mean, I've not tried it, but it sounds like an absolute shitfest. The plotting is brilliant because it's written by a guy who worked in TV script

plotting for years and then thought I'll write a novel and the prose is absolute binbag. It is just so bad. I imagine the prose is the equivalent of Tyrion's accent. 100%. That is the best way of putting it. What are you

doing? I think I don't like to nip the image. I'd rather have a pint of ale. She is my queen. And I don't. I don't. He talks like Victor Meldrew. I don't believe it. I want

another jug of wine it's very odd it's it's it's the sort of posh equivalent of the ala might nice to meet you i'm a coconut that's sort of horrible it's but yeah i tried to read it and i couldn't because it's it's poopy but um in the in the books tyrian the dwarf is described as looking like a sort of horrible noseless monkey. He's got half his face chopped off and people can't even look at him and stuff. And it's still like they picked the most handsome man who is a dwarf. Who at least I'm aware of. There could be more handsome people with dwarfism out there.

I doubt it. Even the characters that are supposed to be disfigured are these beautiful specimens. Yeah. Even some of the horrible peasant girls just have like a smudge. It's like a model with a smudge of mud on their head. And this is it for the victory.

Next up to the plate, we've got Alan coming in from Birmingham. And he's a talented amateur who's risen through the ranks of this incredible game and he's lining up uh his his run with the chair that is underneath the desk at the moment and of course on the desk we have a peaking duck some pancakes a knife and a gun and And arranged around that desk, we have to the left of the desk, a blindfolded fireman. And to the right of the desk, one of Alan's own distant relatives that has been selected by a panel in advance of the tournament.

And he's off. He's running to the desk. He's got it out from under the chair in one graceful movement. The judges are already giving him 10 out of 10 for that. He eating the peking duck he's absolutely stuffing it in his face he's using the knife to slice the duck we've never seen that before that knife is to kill the fireman he's finished eating there's nothing but bones on the table and he's got it he's got the knife and it's in the fireman and it's under two minutes unbelievable we've never seen anyone kill the fireman that quickly and he's hugging and kissing his distant relative, and the crowd are going wild.

He's got the gun, and yep, yep, he's done it. He's shot himself in the head. Absolutely incredible game of B-Blam. We've got some more correspondence from Charlotte. She says, howdy cow buds. Hi, Shaz. Just a quick one to say that my uncle Dave, it's my friend's uncle, however, he has such undisputed uncle status that I too feel the need to refer to him as Uncle Dave.

So he's uncleing at a high level. A high level uncleing. I don't understand. She's, it's not her uncle. Okay. It's her friend's uncle. Oh, okay. But he's so much of her uncle. It's her friend's uncle. He's so much of an uncle.

He's unkling so hard that he's unkled all the way into her heart. My Uncle Dave or Uncle Dave, rather, she says, once asked my friend to send him rat poo in the post for a, quote, science experiment. Of course. A likely story. Yeah. This led me to wonder if Uncle Dave

has a bum-bum life or not. Personally, I think no, because to me, a bum-bum life means that you don't put much effort in demanding your niece post you some rat poo via the Royal Mail, because surely that's at least a 7 on the Lewis scale. Now I'm lost. Also, Phil, I went to see your work

in progress at 2 Northdown back in November and was surprised at how tall you were. Yeah, people are always surprised how tall I am. I think it's either because I'm very humble or they don't expect an Asian guy to be tall. Yeah. Or the cameras are quite far away. You can't tell how tall someone is on stage.

Like Live with Apollo. Yeah. You know, you have no idea how big those people are. There's no reference point. That's why. But more and more people I always find it a little I guess it's quite insulting Because when people say

You're a lot taller than I expect What's even worse is friends will go You're a lot taller than I remember Which means they're saying I think of you but worse I think of you but less I get I think of you, but less. I get that a lot. People go, I don't remember you being this tall.

You remember me just snivelling around, like crouched or something. But that's probably just in the individualistic times we live in. I think everyone imagines themselves taller than they are. You reckon that's what it is? Yeah, and so in the movie of their life that they remember, they're a little bit taller. Some people don't reckon that's what it is? And so in the some movie of their life that they remember they're a little bit taller. Some people don't like that people are tall.

Oh yeah? Not in the normal jealousy way but in like a weird way. I've been heckled before where I had a routine once where I had to say my own height.

Men and women would always go no you're not! And like they'd disagree. Really? Yeah. And I'd have to go i mean i am because on

stage it's just a mic so they feel they're being challenged yeah they think i'm lying yeah to what end i cannot begin to imagine it's not like the joke is any different uh if i lied but like it's because all there is is a microphone stand and people always measure the microphone stand up to their sort of chin so even if someone tiny is on there, it looks the same. Yeah. And there's nothing behind you except a curtain. Of course, yeah, yeah, yeah. So they can't tell how to...

No, I'm not! And sometimes... Once I was actually like, come up here. Come up here and stand next to me. How often was this happening? This has happened at least five or six times. It's weird. To the point where you've just started challenging people to fight.

Yeah, I've met you in the car park. That's what I said to an old lady I don't know if Getting someone to send you rat shit in the post Is a bum bum life Well it depends what he's doing with it If he's eating it that's a bit of a bum bum life If he's a rat poo professor

He's put a lot of work into that What's the science experiment To see if the post Maybe it's a psychological experiment to do with whether or not a person will send you rat poo if you ask. You are the experiment. The experiment is way simpler

than any of us could have imagined. Yeah. I was imagining it was something to do with like can the Royal Mail figure out if there's a load of shit in their envelope? Also, how much shit do you want? Does rat poo smell? I don't recall anyone ever talking about the smell of rat poo.

Well, I guess it's because if you have pet rodents in a cage, they have all that sawdust, and they wee all the time. Rodents can't control when they wee. It's one of the best things about being a rodent. It's one of the best things about being a rodent. They have a wee-wee.

They have a wee-wee life. Rodents live a wee-wee life. That's for damn sure. And, uh, cool. That would have made Bugs Bunny a much funnier cartoon from time to time. As he was being sassy to Elmer Fudd, he just started pissing himself. Just, and didn't even, like, it didn't even register with him. Because it just, that's his whole life.

He's never known anything else. Hey, Wabbit webbit you're urinating i have some self-control you're embarrassing yourself um owls owls use the wee wee trails to track rodents at night because they have UV vision. And it's glowing wee-wee. You mean poo-wee vision? What is wrong with this podcast? Every episode. Can we go a single episode without saying... It's not like we're saying either poo or wee.

We're saying both words. Every episode. If not accompanied by synonyms. Get your mind out the toilet, Phil and Pierre. And into the pub? Church? What did it say? Church? Church? I don't know. They're slogans.

For more pious podcasts. For more poo-ist podcasts. Oh, also shout out to Cooper. Now that we've already broken the seal on talking about pooey bum-bums. Cooper? Shout out to Cooper, who tweeted we've already broken the seal and talking about pooey bum bums. Cooper. Shout out to Cooper, who tweeted us in a bread that sounds like farts, BAP. Oh, yes, BAP. I can't believe we didn't think of that.

Yeah, so if you didn't hear last episode, we were talking about how all different words for bread sound like fart. Whether it's brought or roti. Or none. None. BAP is an obvious one that we missed out. Rot or Roti. Or Nan. Nan. Bap is an obvious one that we missed out. On that note, Hillary gets in touch. Hi, Hillary. Hi, Hillary.

Hi, Hillary. And the subject line of her email is bread farts. Great. It has really captured the imagination of a nation. The nation, the world has joined in with this game. Greetings, P-Dub. I submit that

Chia Butter sounds like the boisterous fart that fathers discover delights small children, horrifies their spouses, is jovially blamed on the dog. Chia Butter! Yeah, that's right. And then you continue to rely on that joke for the rest of your life.

Um, she says in this, in this scenario where the dad has done it, he's done a chair butter, uh, for the amusement of his children. Uh, I shall continue to spend my leisure time mentally scrolling through types of

bread and then trying to jam them unceremoniously into the fart theory upon which I shall base my thesis. I applied to graduate school and everything. Positive thoughts and encouraging words regarding my acceptance and eventual doctorate in this specialty are appreciated. Okay, thank you. Keep on jacking it. Keep on jacking it can't become one of our catchphrases. We have to draw a line somewhere I would love it if this podcast got to the point where people were like so what's your podcast about

and I mean neither one of us is particularly like this on stage so it would be even weirder for us to be like ah it's just about keeping on jacking it and which bread sound like farts and bum bum life so thank you Hilary she says hillary said she lives in america but she has a british name oh what hillary yeah loads of americans call hillary

like clinton being a famous one oh somewhat british name is that another reason hillary clinton didn't get elected she sounded too brit I mean, I never heard it as a theory, but it's a good one. On the subject of our podcast being all about poos and bums and wheeze and stuff, I came here from a meeting with a book publisher

about maybe writing a book. Whoa! About bread farts. But, like, a good publisher. Like, a classy one. Oh! And they were like, what are you doing next i was like have you ever thought that bread sounds like farts will this be what the book is about not if you don't want it

uh jonathan uh gets in touch Hi John! who we will both remember he says dear P. Bizzles John Payne here remember John Payne?

Oh yeah! From uni Yes John lent me a loop pedal He says yeah and also I lent Phil my loop pedal

for his gritty reboots of children's stories Yeah you can watch that on YouTube part of my show Mellow Yellow on YouTube and you can see John on YouTube Part of my show Mellow Yellow on YouTube

And you can see John's pedal there There it is You can see John's little pedal? That routine in Edinburgh made me cry laughing Did it? Remember, because I was in the corner seat And I was laughing enough that you had to be like, are you okay? Oh really?

It was the bit where you described It was your description of the Teletubbies Oh yeah yeah yeah Horrible demons or something like that It just really got to me She's, sorry, not she He says, I have very much enjoyed the podcast I'm particularly impressed at the facility with which you

You managed to record episodes while Phil was in Melbourne Which I thought went very smoothly, thank you Yeah they did, after we had to figure them out The first one was a bit rocky Once we figured it out Also very good nice use of the word facility Smoothly, thank you. Yeah, they did. We had to figure them out. The first one was a bit rocky. Once we figured it out... Oh, it's a very nice use of the word facility. Yes, very rare to see in that context. I was impressed with your facility.

Yeah. That's nice. I'm going to add that to the list along with suckers. I frequently listen to the podcast at the gym and have on more than one occasion almost dropped a barbell on my chest as a consequence of uncontrollable mid-rep laughter. Oh, good. That is dangerous.

You know what, if... We set out to endanger people at the gym. The more toes we can break, the better. You've got to listen to this podcast. It's a real dumbbell dropper. It's a real 1920s compliment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, this dumbbell dropper is called Bud Pod Wow I just about dropped my dumbbells

He says I have no poop stories Of my own But Pierre may remember my story Of the little South African boy Because obviously Pierre is interested in anything To do with South Africa true A little South African boy called Stoffel From Christoffel

Who attended the nursery where I worked At the time when we were acquainted South Africa, true. A little South African boy called Stoffel. Oh? From Christoffel, who attended the nursery where I worked at the time when we were acquainted. Stoffel's mother was so weak-willed and had been so ineffectual in his toilet training that at the age of three, he was basically running around in a permanent state of pantshittedness, by which he was completely unfazed.

It's impressive, isn't it? Three years old. Three years old. Permanent pantshittedness Okay Unfazed by it Yeah This is life for this boy I thought boys could be very successful

If you can walk around Continuing day With a pants full of shit Then you will be a man my son You'll be That's focus I wish I had that kind of focus My bum bum has to be clean

All the time Or I'm not doing anything You're very clear on that Yeah With every contract you sign Will my bum bum be to be clean all the time or I'm not doing anything. You're very clear on that. Yeah. With every contract you sign. Will my bum bum be clean? Excuse me. Clean bum bum claws. Excuse me, the rider

has to include various bidet and various bum bum cleaning facilities. He was not the only one though, and one time when the other staff and I were dealing with a little boy who had been to the toilet in his trousers, I, kneeling in front, pulled down the reportedly soiled garment and, seeing nothing,

remarked, doesn't seem that bad. To which my colleague, positioned behind the offending child, replied, oh, yes, it is. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha She picked him up and plonked him on the toilet and there was a satisfying but worryingly large plop sound I now live in Mexico City

Oh, I didn't know that where I teach at what is essentially a sixth form college and thankfully none of the students shit their pants That's very cool Or at the least it would no longer be my job to deal with it were there to do so Should either of you wish to shit our pants? What? I guess so.

I have had a thought recently which is very authoritarian, which I nonetheless stand by, despite my generally libertarian leanings. I think the government should force everyone to get electric cars. Well, this is the thing. I remember when we were coming back from MacFest, you and I were discussing, you came up with a good name for the political party

you'd want to vote for, be the head of. Oh, yeah. Well, too bad. The well-too-bad party. The WTB. Yeah, where you go to someone you say you got to change out your car for an electric car and they go but i don't want an electric car and you go not too bad well that's too bad yeah i wonder how we do i reckon we do better than you think in the in the election i think the british public love the idea of people being made to be sensible but i was thinking about the wealthy bear party recently and i and i realized isn't it that's just a dictatorship

isn't it and that's why it's so appealing because dictatorship is appealing to the would-be dictators the crimes committed in the name of the wtb i. I mean, the WTB sounds like a scary part. Yeah, there'd be an inquiry into that. Yeah, that does sound scary. It's difficult, though, because it's all, you know... I want to drink in the road near a football stadium. Well too bad.

There are some stuff for it. It is compelling, isn't it? The well too bad part. Well too bad is... Yeah, part of me likes it. It is very deliciously alluring the idea of just making people

stop fucking about it's authoritarianism I'm tending towards authoritarianism as I get older as is the world as is the world but at least

you're in step it'd be a strong man party that's literally what it'd be it'd be a strong man party and a strong

woman strong anyone as long as you're strong oh they're strong he's got a least cool cool thing okay he says I run Strong woman. Strong anyone. Strong anyone. As long as you're strong. Oh, they're strong. He's got a least cool cool thing. Okay.

He says, I run a stand-up comedy club at my school. Wow. Yeah, that's fucking cool. In Spanish? It's gotta be. Oh, he says later, this is pretty cool. We've put on two shows which were well attended and hugely successful, and my students have now performed comedy in both Spanish and English. Muy bueno.

Excelente. Excelente. Excelente. Excelsior. Excelsior. Muy amusante. Bellissima. And have raised lots of money, but ultimately not that cool because it was nonetheless a school activity. Ah.

And therefore not that cool. That's very humble and honest of you. That's good. That's good. To uncool yourself. I shall leave it there as I don't wish to bore you by which i mean i wish to maximize my chances of your reading some part that's very savvy on the podcast which is obviously why i'm emailing keep jacking it john oh no another keep jacking it god it's never the ones you want to become a catchphrase

it's like you can't pick your own nickname. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh no. Please everyone, stop writing in. This is going to backfire. Please stop signing off your emails with keepjackingit. I really don't want that to be the podcast's catchphrase. Eventually we're going to have to be making merch,

and I don't want that on a t-shirt. Keepjackingit. With an angry pilot. People say, I'm a pilot, how am i supposed to keep jacking and then someone else saying well too bad you're probably wondering what is it that makes kentucky lucky bourbon lucky kentucky bourbon Kentucky Lucky Bourbon. Lucky Kentucky Bourbon so delicious. Well we here at Lucky Kentucky well we know that you can't rush great things. Good things take time. A lot of time and a lot of octopus eggs. That's right. Lucky Kentucky contains 40% the eggs of an octopus.

That's what gives us that... People always say, People always say, what is it that makes Lucky Kentucky taste so sweet and delightful? Well, I can tell you for one that it's about 50% corn. Bourbon has to contain a certain amount of corn. It's aged in new oak barrels. But mainly, the taste comes from the eggs of octopuses that were farmed near the distillery i cannot i cannot over i cannot over emphasize just how many octopus eggs we put in this burb it is mostly the eggs of octopi actually it, it's octopuses, technically. The word is octopuses.

People think it's octopi, but it's not. So we put the eggs of octopuses in our bourbon. And that is what gives our whiskey that distinctive sea-like taste that you've all come to love and not know the secret of. Well, here it is. We're telling you now. It's mainly octopus eggs. A lot of octopus eggs. And that's why Lucky Kentucky Bourbon is also so expensive.

We're still running at a loss. We sell this whiskey at $200 a bottle, and we are still operating at a lot. Do you know how expensive it is to keep octopuses alive in Kentucky? This is landlocked country. This is not a spot to see for miles. But here at Lucky Kentucky, we know that it's the difficult things that make life worth living. And there ain't nothing more difficult than corralling hundreds and hundreds of angry, angry octopuses who are miles away from home and trying to get them

to lay eggs. They're not comfortable enough to lay eggs, but we need them eggs for the bourbon. So we get them comfortable. We sedate them. We give a lot of drugs. And they lay their eggs. And we collect up the eggs. And we throw them into new oak barrels. And we age them just like Papa used to. And just like Papa before him.

And Grandy Grandpapa before him and grand grand grand Papa before him so there you have it lucky Kentucky we sure are lucky to have all these octopuses drink responsibly Oh Rozzy got in touch on Twitter and sent us that horrible advert. Which one? The Aperol Spritz. Oh, yeah, what did it say? So it says Aperol Spritz, and

listeners, this calls back to one of the earlier episodes. Episode 2, it was, as Rozzy actually points out. Um, where it's like an itsu, like eat beautiful. It's like we do lovely.

What was it? Find your Italy. And all that. Aperol Spritz, together we joy. I think that might be the worst I've ever seen. It's the worst I've ever seen. Together we joy.

Together we joy. Together we joy. It sounds like you've been hit in the head with a rock. If a family member said together we joy. Together we joy. Together we joy. It sounds like you've been hit in the head with a rock. If a family member said together we joy to me on Christmas Day, I would take them to the hospital. Pierre, are you coming over for Christmas? We'd just really like to joy with everyone. Come over and joy.

Come over and joy. Come on, Benny. Come over and joy. That's my dad's name. Benny, don't look at the computer. Come joy with us. Come together we joy together we joy

you'd immediately be like can you smell apart we sad apart we sad together we joy all adverts are like I have to read them

in a kind of Adam Buxton caveman voice yeah together we joy apart we sad come together make we joy it just sounds thick sad. Come together make we joy.

It sounds thick. It sounds thick and stupid and bad. The well too bad party would put an end to together we joy. And people would say, what about freedom of speech? And we'd go, well too bad. You ruined it. Yeah, it's freedom of speech, not speech make we free.

Together we speech. Together we speech. Together we speech. Put some fucking proper grammar in there, you awful, awful twats. So, final bit of correspondence. Eleanor? Eleanor Rigby. Eleanor Listener. Listen to Bud Pod when she is bored with her thoughts.

She hasn't been taught to... She should be happy in silence. Yeah. Hi PBPBs. Personal best Pod Buds. Lovely. Very nice. I like your filthy podcast that's the first thing she says

I only started listening I really hope she doesn't sign off with keep jacking it let's see I like your filthy podcast I only started listening recently so I've been binging on it positively gorging myself that's very funny.

The experience of the unfortunate person who happened to be driving near manure while listening to your most overly scatological episode, which is very funny, and also someone on Twitter got in touch and their dog farted in their lap while they were listening to that episode, and it was equally like 2D, 3D.

That incident made me reflect on an unfortunate... Dogs are smart, aren't they? They're very emotionally intelligent, they can tell. They can tell if you're listening to a scatological podcast. And they'll come and they'll fart right in your mouth. To make it realistic. So she says, that incident made me reflect on an unfortunate thing which happened to me last weekend.

I was walking home from a Prosecco heavy night out and listening to the Very Good episode with Gina Martin as a guest. First, the Girls and Boys Nights Out segment home from a Prosecco heavy night out and listening to the very good episode with Gina Martin as a guest. First, the girls and boys nights out segments seem to describe my own night out back at me. Oh yeah. So that must have been surreal. And then Pierre simulated burping as he illustrated how uncool yet cool it is

to drink champagne in da club started. It wasn't simulated. It was real. Because I can burp whenever I want. Horrible. It's a great skill. It was real. Because I can burp whenever I want. Horrible. It's a great skill. It sounds like it's painful inside. I do know from using it to torture my sisters that if you do it consistently enough, you will be sick in your own mouth.

Anyway. So she says, then Pierre simulated burping as he illustrated how uncool and cool it is to drink champagne in da club started. It was so sustained and so gross that it really pushed my squeamish buttons and got so far inside my head. This directly led to me sicking up my Prosecco. She was listening to the podcast while drinking Prosecco. No, she's walking home from the night out. Oh, right, so she's got a belly full drinking Prosecco no she's walking home from the night out oh I'm listening

so she's got a belly full of Prosecco and fud this directly led to me sicking up my Prosecco and food from the night out into the drains on the street on my walk home this is an image of a lady walking in the dark with her headphones on just watching her come your way.

I don't think I've ever seen anyone vomit with headphones on. Obviously a funny visual. Yeah, I wonder if, like, you know how you can't drink booze that made you sick for a while? Yeah. The smell is just enough. Do you think that that's the same with whatever you're listening to when you're vomiting

she may never hear this right out yeah god also I just is it wrong that I feel almost god like power I mean there must be an ancient god of vomiting and burping yeah burpee burpella

burpella burpeena did she get home alright Burpela Burpela Burpina Did she get home alright? Well she says I hope you're happy Pierre I'm a pilot How am I supposed to fly this plane while drunk on an empty stomach And she says keep on jerking No

Jerking Okay so now there's a variation on the catchphrase She's riffing She's mixing up keep on jacking it with keep on jerking. From Ellie. You can't spell Mervelli without Ellie. Which is true, as I repeatedly have to point out

when I order food or a package or a dentist. Tell anyone my name. P.S. Please don't read this out without appropriate squeamish warnings. Too bad. Too bad in case anyone else is affected by my afflictions. Realistically, I don't know how big the Venn diagram overlap between squeamish people and your audiences,

but perhaps you'll be surprised. What a chain reaction this would be for now more people to vomit into drains. Never break the chain. And then we read out those correspondences and people just vomit. It would be like that tedious family guy scene where they're all throwing up all over each other yeah oh yeah just it'll then our podcast if we can create a

chain of vomiting around the world our podcast will be podcasted about in that tedious american way it's like but but what was behind all these people vomiting in a row like a big a deep dive we're gonna do a deep dive. We're going to do a deep dive. Like a new... With a vocal fry. With a vocal fry. I am an American podcaster. A podcaster. And you know, I decided to investigate.

That's the worst. Adam Buxton of the Adam Buxton podcast, which is obviously way more famous and successful than ours. And better. And better. Is an A-cast stablemate. It's a colleague of ours. Yes, in a way.

It's so good. He does such a good American vocal for us. Oh, really? It's so funny. He does a fake... Well, he does like a real advert for Squarespace. Oh, yeah. But using the... Oh, yeah, I think I've heard that. It's so funny. Very good. Oh, I want to kiss that man's brain. Like a very polite Hannibal Lecter.

Yeah. And just put it back in. Yeah, just to show you I love you. Show your head back up. Hippie Hannibal Lecter. What do you think would be like a vegan Hannibal Lecter where he's still Hannibal Lecter, but he's vegan. So he's like, he's not eating people,

but he's still murdering them. He's still being horrifying he's murdering people and using them to just fertilize crops yeah the greatest fertilizer of all man man um i uh i'm yeah i really i really want the next episode to have someone who's oh the subject line of elena's email was you make me! But with loads of love hearts. Thank you, Eleanor. Eleanor Sickley. Appreciate it. Eleanor Sickley. She's vomiting up all the food and the booze

from her night. We gave her a fright with beers burping. She's now vomiting into the drains of her town. Thanks. Wearing a frown. That is horrible, actually. I feel a brown. That is horrible, actually.

I feel sick now. That was a big one. That was horrible. That was really horrible. I'm quite annoyed, actually. I'm quite angry now. That was like an orc. That was like an orc.

I hated it. It's making me angrier and angrier. Well, on that note. Great, so now there's more people sicking up yeah I hope so we'll leave it there keep jacking it everyone thanks for all your correspondence that was a fun app yeah okay thank you that was very nice

yeah yeah yeah nice to sit and commune with our listeners yeah so sort of a meet the people day yeah and don't forget to just tell people about the the podcast because what we want is like there's so many great podcasts that people get into because someone they trust who's like the the tastemaker oh yeah tells their friends about it like we all have a friend who we get our album recommendations from you know

well you know we should be that for a podcast. Sure. You can be that. You can be the change that we want to see in the world. Yeah, not you. Selfish. That's what Gandhi... If Gandhi ever had a podcast, that's how he would sign off, right? Be the change that I want to see in the world.

Like and subscribe. Independence for India. He would never have got many listeners by being so chilled about it. Or maybe he would. He'd be like, I'm going to sit in Trafalgar Square until I get a million subscribers.

And eventually, it would have happened. God, I guess if you do a podcast in India, having like a million listeners, it's like fucking no one. There's nothing at all. Yeah.

The least successful Chinese sitcom has only got 80 million viewers. I had a Chinese tutor for a bit and she was like, you gotta get on this China only sort of it was kind of like Vine, Instagram kind of Vine thing where people became these figures on there

just doing funny videos and lip syncs and stuff. She was like, like yeah if you start like in two weeks you have 100,000 followers like if you're that's nothing

to have like 100,000 followers Jesus Christ because it's China and everyone lives there everyone if you pick a random person on earth odds are they're there

that's mad madness isn't it right we're going to start What's Budpod in Chinese? What's Jack in it? And, uh... I actually know it's Da Fei. Da Fei? How do you say keep Jack in it? I don't...

It's Da Fei Da Fei Ji. Oh, Da Fei Ji. It would be... Would it be... Zai Da Fei Ji... That sounds good. My Mandarin is so bad. Zai da fei ji.

Zai da fei ji. Zai da fei ji, everyone. Great. Xie xian. Xie xian for listening. Alright, that was episode 12. The Faker's Dozen. Faker's Dozen, get in touch. TheBirdPod at gmail.com

Or at TheBudPod on Twitter Like and subscribe And give us an Uber 5 stars On iTunes Many of you have done that Like 125 people have done it Oh really One really angry guy

Gave us a 4 And demanded that It would only go up to a 5 If we cut out all of the Fun little songs and sketches They didn't like the They didn't like the songs They hated it

I'll only give you a 5 If you cut out all the Fun little What That's madness to me I was very offended Every time I hear a song didn't like the song. He hated it. I only give you a five if you cut out all the fun little noodley bits. That's madness to me. I was very offended. Every time I hear a song or a sketch on

this I think well this is a sort of earning I'll keep. It's sort of making up for all the fucking blag about poos and bums and nothing.

Yeah well he prefers that. Insane. A mad purist. Well I think he proves the exception that proves the rule. But thank you for listening and see you next time.

See you next time. Bye-bye. Okay, thank you. Okay, thank you. As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors. Like when our estrogen levels

drop during menopause, causing the risk of heart disease to go up. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca.