BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 120 - Bus Legs

Episode Date: June 23, 2021

the boys chat bus legs, new york, wine, bakers dozens, Moody Mensch writes in about carrier bag poo bomb, warhammer near miss chat from Dan and Unfairness the Clown Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod 120! 120. A tens dozen. A dozen of tens. Oh yeah! A dozen of hens. A tens dozen. I wouldn't have thought of that. A tens dozen. Oh, that's all I'm ever thinking of. Yeah. Why is a baker's dozen 13? I swear I used to know this.

It's to do with keeping a spare isn't it so it's like 13 eggs in case you drop one Is that what it is That's what That's always been my understanding You're joking No I reckon that's it

Yeah or maybe I always thought it was some weird comment on bakers. Like, well, they're always lying or whatever. Or, yeah, they can't count or... Yeah, they... They're just sneaky. They're just sneaky bakers. Always putting in extra eggs.

I think it's just to do with having a spare. It's because they get up so early, that's why they're sneaky. Yeah. What are they doing so early? Why do you have to be up so early to make bread? Yeah, they say they're baking bread, but it can't just be that. Yeah. Once it's in the oven, what are they doing?

That's the question. Looking at their phones. Just sat by the oven scrolling through Twitter. Enjoying the warmth, the early morning heat of the oven. I'm always disproportionately impressed when someone who works in a restaurant is the guy who, if you go to like a fancy well not even necessarily a fancy kebab place

but just a kebab place that has like a cold barbecue indoors were they standing next to that shit all fucking day yeah I mean you and I got a fish and chips at in the lovely seaside town of Weymouth just two nights ago and the guy there serving behind that there was deep fry just a row of deep fat fryers.

Just all day. In the summer. Oh, no thanks. Do you think they get acne or they have to keep washing their face with the grease? Because the grease must be in the air. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they're thrown on skin cleanser every day, I'm sure. Clearasil every day.

They're cleansing their skin more than like a mime. Maybe it would be better to wear makeup because then the grease is on top of something that's not as damaging, right? Yeah, the mime makeup would actually be a protection from the grease. Yeah top of something that's not as damaging right yeah the mind makeup would actually be a protection from the grease yeah like a shield so you go to the chippy or to like a fast food place and everyone's just like a clown horrible like a nightmare how afraid would you be if you went to the chippy and everyone just had like that mime white face with the little black triangles and other arts i'd find it quite charming i've never really got the i've never been afraid of clowns really yeah but this is i mean

you're you're it's not called the mime chippy it's you know you i i'd be surprised and they're not saying they're not saying anything it would take a while for me to realize that everyone was in my makeup. Really? Yeah, I'd be like, oh, that person's in my makeup. And then look at someone else and go, huh. They must be in a show together. And it would take a while for me to notice that everyone in the chip shop... I just mean everyone who works there.

Oh, I thought you meant people sat down at booths. No, they don't need the protection from the grease. This is what I'm saying. I see there. Oh, I thought you meant people sat down at booths. No, they don't need the protection from the grease. This is what I'm saying. I see, I see, I see. Also, I thought you were saying it would take me a while to notice because you were just like, something's odd about their face, but what is it? I was like, really?

It would take you a while to... Is that what white people look like? Wow, you guys look like mimes. We don't tell you. It's a thing we talk about when you guys aren't around yeah it looked awful being by that heat

I mean there's you know like chefs and professional cooks they get a lot of bladder stones kidney stones what really? yeah the heat the constant heat it can stones, kidney stones. What? Really? Yeah, the heat. The constant heat. It can give you kidney stones, apparently.

What? I'm going to need to know how that works. Something about I don't know. Something about the heat makes the calcium form harden. If you

type in like cooks and kidney stones, I'm sure it will come up. Kitchens and kidney stones. Cooks, kitchens and kidney stones. Yeah, that sounds like one of those Disney films that was part live action and part cartoon. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The cooks, kitchens and kidney stones. kitchen's a kidney stone, so there's a sort of Merlin works at a Burger King or something. Cook's kidney stone's kitchen. This is something my mother told me, and she is a doctor. I can't find... Maybe I should type in

chefs, because cooks is a verb. Ah. So that might be confusing. Yeah, you're going to stumble across some delicious kidney stone recipes. Yeah, lovely. I can't find anything. But I mean, I believe it. Because it sounds like...

Oh, that's interesting. It sounds good like it sounds good it sounds good to me yeah it sounds about right let's make up a thing like that now for Budpod listeners to tell people let's make up a trivia fact that is kind of like

here's the rule it has to be kind of basically harmless okay okay okay okay Here's the rule. It has to be kind of basically harmless. Okay. Okay, okay, okay. It's always to do with like a job, right? Yeah, so postman? Maybe like bus drivers.

Bus drivers. Okay, so something they get. Yeah, bus drivers get really strong hands. Bus drivers. Okay, so something they get. Yeah, bus drivers get really strong hands. Bus drivers get like... Hmm. Hmm. Oh, okay. So let's say London bus drivers, when they try to go to sleep, they get like, they can feel like their legs and ass are still vibrating.

Okay. They get like phantom vibrations. In their buttocks. Yeah. That's pretty good because it would be funny if someone said to a bus driver, does your ass vibrate at night? What did you say to me? Yeah, it means

you've got your bus legs. You haven't been on the buses long enough until you've got your bus legs. And it's hard to adjust to life back on land once you've got your bus legs. You haven't been on the buses long enough until you've got your bus legs. And it's hard to adjust to life back on land once you've got your bus legs. Yeah. He's married the buses, the roads. He's married to the...

He's married to the roots. He's married to the roots. That's what I was getting at. He's married to the roots. He'll only break your heart. He's married to the roots. He's married to the roots. That's what I was getting at. He's married to the roots. He'll only break your heart. He's married to the roots. He'll only break your heart. A man like that

with the bus legs so severe he'll never be able to step back on dry land without feeling sick in his life. Being a bus driver looks so scary and hard to me. You're in charge of, especially a double decker bus, you're in charge of especially a double-decker bus you're in charge of this a small building moving around one of the busiest cities on earth

i'm gobsmacked every time i get on a bus and the driver is bored yeah you get on they're just like yeah right i if you're if that was me i'd just be like i just have gritted teeth the whole time get on get on get on is the're just like... Yeah, right. If it was me, I'd just be like... I'd just have gritted teeth the whole time. Get on, get on, get on. Is the door closed? Is the door closed? Sorry, can you have a look? Is anyone coming behind me?

Can I... We have like bored. They are absolutely sick of it and they don't care about the fact they're driving a building through cars. And they don't seem to be worrying about the fact that, oh, if I fuck up and I'm delayed by four minutes, well, then the knock-on effect is enormous.

They're part of a circulation system, you know? If they fuck it up and they just get stuck in traffic, maybe they just think it's not my problem. Someone else in a control center somewhere will do it. I have a feeling in the UK you don't get in trouble. I mean, surely like a late train driver, a late, but I mean, it happens so much. There's no way they're getting disciplined every time. Oh, no, no. But I mean, I would just feel bad generally, but then maybe that's the first day they go, you can't afford to, you can't afford to feel bad for these people. Yeah.

Maybe their attitude to transport is the way that medical professionals can get quite harsh. Yeah, you can't get attached. Don't give the passengers names. You can't get attached to them. Never meet their families. Yeah. Maybe that's like how if your parents are both doctors if you talk to people who have a doctor for a parent like yourself i don't know if this is true for you phil but a lot of people i know with a doctor parent or two doctor parents

they're whenever they're sick their parents are like you're not sick yep yeah yeah the the main thing i learned from having adopted a parent is just you're fine you're probably fine if you're not fine wait and you'll probably get better yeah whereas maybe if your parents are both like bus drivers they're like you're not late

you're not late yeah you're going to talk to me about late? You know your father can't sleep Because of his vibrating buttocks You think that's snoring? That you hear at night? No

That's him vibrating Those are your father's that you hear at night? No. That's him vibrating. Those are your father's... Those are your father's... Each vibration is another hour of hard work from that man. He's using his vibrating ass to put food on your table. Well, speaking of hard work, we are recording another podcast, this time even though we can meet up in person it is simply more convenient to do it remotely yes yes it is because uh we're

still exhausted from our adventures in weymouth um the seaside the seaside of the uk weymouth pavilion and phil how you have a flight to catch i'm leaving on a jet plane i'm going to new york city tomorrow hot damn new york new york this the world's newest city. New York. That's right. The pissy apple. The pissy apple. The stinky sausage.

New York. The set of every film. Yeah. Yeah, I'm always amazed when a film or TV series set in New York gets made and like how did that surely at one point someone would have gone

no enough there's already one I don't know if you've noticed but there's already one set in New York yeah there's at least one apparently that's that's one of the things that makes Breaking Bad so unique is that it's in Albuquerque

you know, New Mexico yeah, it's really good for it apparently it was going to be in California right because New Mexico is so cheap to film and loads of stuff that's set in California is filmed in New Mexico anyway and they were just like, fuck it let's just make it New Mexico then

yeah, same reason now there's a lot of stuff in Georgia and Louisiana. It's just cheap to film there. Yeah. Yeah. And I guess the small town systems are easily bribable.

I don't know. You could say to the mayor, like, hey, could you shut down the whole high street so we could film something and he's like sure I can cause I'm the mayor and I can do what I want it's just an excuse for him to go on a an ego trip yeah totally

cause they tax filming it's like low tax for filming they tax you yeah that's right so he could just be like put in a new hog fence and you can film wherever you want or it's like like every now and then you watch an america something set in america and it's like i'm always amazed with this like i'm the sheriff like i'm the chief of police and the chief of police is like elected yeah and has an extraordinary amount of power

huge power and is elected like a feudal lord yeah and uh it can get quite confusing if you're watching from the UK where it's just like uh elections coming up for the chief of police and for the sheriff and for the DA and it's all everyone's on each other's ass and we want results

and it just gets completely lost in so you're gonna to go wait who no one's appointed can't just get on with your job what you have to vote for the person with all the guns vote for a sheriff that's nuts

it's very old west I'm going to New York I'll be there for a couple of weeks I'll have a lot of down time I don't know what I'm going to New York I'll be there for a couple of weeks I'll have a lot of down time I don't know what I'm going to do Is there anything to do in New York? Make sure you go to Jimmy's Pizza That's the kind of thing everyone always says

You gotta go To Bobby's Sandwich Cafe He does the greatest Boston Slipshot you've ever had Some weird type of Subway sandwich you've never heard of in your life Yeah The secret is that he puts chives into the cheese whiz

Before he melts it in the grill It'll be interesting Are you going to sit in a room on your own and be sad? Sorry? Are you going to sit in a room on your own and be sad? Sorry? Are you going to sit in a room on your own and be sad? I hope not, I don't think so I don't think so My place is right

I'm staying right by Central Park Which is quite amazing So I'll be So I'll be jogging around Central Park And feeding the ducks Maybe I'll join thoseging around Central Park and feeding the ducks. Maybe I'll join those Chinese ladies doing Tai Chi

that I see on National Geographic or whatever sometimes. Yes, yeah. They always seem to be in American parks, and sometimes you get people... In fact, I was literally just watching Narcos Mexico, and there's a scene where one of them is doing that, and he's like, Hey, you think that shit works?

Hell, I don't know. What about Tai Chi? Yeah, well, they're just commenting on it. Yeah. A little bit of local colour. Yeah, I'm looking forward to that. Maybe in Central Park I will chance across some soon-to-be-viral

act of racist hysteria. Do you remember? Oh yeah. That's what that lady called the police on a man with a dog. He was a bird watcher.

Oh that's right. She called the police on a bird watcher and he had like a degree in ancient Greek philosophy or something. Like he was the nerdiest man on earth.

And she wouldn't put a leash on a fucking dog because the dog and the dogs run around and scare the birds that was it wasn't it right yeah and he asked her to put a leash on the dog and she didn't she like call the police and they end up arresting her or something because well because he had her on video and she was like i will tell them that you assaulted me and what do you think's gonna happen like threatening him with like anti-black violence or whatever god and he asked her like he's a bird watcher with like some niche degree he's like ma'am would you leash your dog it's scaring the bear it's like it's the nerdiest

i bet he had a little jumper on a little shirt with a collar and stuff if you're looking up he's like buff oh really he's the buff yeah he's the buffest bird watcher i've ever seen he just he likes two things birds bodybuilding and being buff yes i'm looking forward to witnessing some insanity yeah of some. That would be good. A hysterical middle-aged white lady calling a SWAT team on some black people having a picnic. Yep.

The true American experience. While you're eating one of the Boston Slipshots with the chives. I'm going to go to chinatown oh maybe i'll i'll chance upon one of those youtubers who surprises people in chinatown with their good chinese you were telling me about these videos yeah he's like a white guy oh yeah we mentioned before is like stupid idiot white guys surprises everyone with his perfect mandarin um i i don't i neither look white enough nor have good enough mandarin to make such a video can you can you make a video where it's like

maybe i'll make ridiculous half chinese guyocks waiters With his bad Mandarin Yeah Racially ambiguous Mixed race guy Tests the patience Of Chinese waiters With his passable But

Badly pronounced Mandarin Yeah And the video's just like but badly pronounced Mandarin. Yeah. And the video's just like, sorry, you want grass on your noodles? Oh. Oh, pork. Sorry, right, right, right. The way you said that, it sounds like grass. And that's the whole video.

Five million views. Yeah, and then you're trying to pay him to go, to like, gasp at least. Yeah. Could you gasp at least. Yeah. Could you gasp when I ask for grass on my noodles? The video's about how bad my Mandarin is. I'm going to hit up some museums.

Oh yeah? Which ones? Maybe go to the Guggenheim? I haven't been to the Guggenheim before. You going to MoMA? MoMA. Yeah, I'm not far from MoMA, actually. Oh, go MoMA. We have to go MoMA. Go see the painting of MoMA. Okay.

Yeah, okay. Yes, okay. Okay, go to MoMA. Okay. Yeah, man, she'd be right. Grandma caveman going to MoMA. Yeah, that'd be good. Are you going to the museums with a hope of seeing a specific thing or are you just gonna

Fart around I'll just fart around I've sort of not really kept track of what Famous things are in the New York museums No I know that the painting From Ghostbusters must be in there somewhere Is it a painting of Slimer No the haunted painting

From Ghostbusters 2 Okay So see if you can find that Okay So that could be good You know Bit of fun Try and find some modern art

And smash it And then say it's my piece of modern art To smash it No art to smash it. No, just smash it. Just commit some vandalism. Okay. I think that would be good. I think it would help promote your Netflix special.

Yeah, it would definitely be newsworthy. Which one are you... I think try and find something by warhol maybe put your fist through it yeah i'd like to see some walls that'd be cool that'd be neat there's a there's a chinese and america museum in chinatown i'll go to that i think i went last time we were in new york you did yeah you and george went and it was all full of like um incredibly some incredibly sinister posters yeah and like pamphlets from the second world war of like how to separate a friendly chinese man from an evil jab oh yeah that's right and it's like the china man has cheekbones up two thirds of his face. But the

Japanese has it three quarters up his face. That's right. They had some weird like phrenology stuff. That's not true. Yeah. God, I forgot about that. The past was mad, wasn't it? Yeah. Wasn't the past mad?

Bloody mad. You've got an Irishman's forehead. Therefore you're most unsuited to clerical work. They would just say things like that. Well, they had to live by some... some method, some system. But I love the idea that their minds were so blown by the concept, so incomprehensible that they find the concept

that anyone can do anything if they're qualified. They were like, that can't be true. I'm going to measure your head. That can't be true. The shape of your eye sockets will solve this debate. I think it just goes to show how little they had to go on.

Well, we've explored every available scientific avenue available to us all that's left now is for us to pick up these forceps and see how big your skull is that's literally all we have left yeah

we're trying to avoid accepting the complexity of life we're very determined not to do that because it makes us feel afraid and upset yeah but it's going to be strange, I'm going to be on my own for a little while

you'd have thought that a year of isolation and lockdown and stuff, get used to it. But I think because I've gotten, you know, I've figured out how to be isolated in London, in the UK. Well, now you have a valuable chance to be. Am I going to have to go to a laundromat? Yeah, you can go, you can sit in a laundromat and make friends with a wise old lady. Yeah.

She could give you life advice. I'll play chess with old guys in the park. Yes, yes, yes. Get drafted into the FBI and solve a murder. You're the one man we can rely on for this. I think you could do all of those things and more, Phil.

It's New York, after all. You're never alone in the Big Apple. That's not true. I might do, like, really crappy touristy things. I've never... I'll just...

Eiffel Tower, for God's sake. You could do the Eiffel Tower, sure. The Statue of Liberty. You know, inside the Statue of Liberty, the structure is very similar to the Eiffel Tower

Because both were designed by Eiffel Oh The Statue of Liberty was a gift from France Yes it was If you If you're lucky they'll let you stop the lift Half way up

Right And you can see her bum If you're lucky, they'll let you stop the lift halfway up. Right? And you can see her bum. On the inside. Very few people get to peek at Liberty's bum. Imagine if it's all anatomically correct on the inside, and you just had to squish through all these enormous organs. Yeah, the lift went to follow the path of the bowel. Yeah.

And they were like, look, this is how it was designed. We have to accept. What if you got up high enough and you got a certain angle and you could see that in addition to the sort of the book and the torch and the lovely inscription about give me your huddled masses she um she just had a kind of hipster sailor tattoo on her forearm just update it for the 21st century yeah just chisel it in yeah

oh yeah it's gonna be weird it's gonna be weird but we'll keep on podding keep on bud podding yes yeah well how long you're going for like three weeks right three weeks yeah three a baker's month a sneaky a baker's month um but uh i will we'll do like um you have to you'll give us updates on your new york life you know your new the new world new york diaries yeah i'll do some new york diaries or something that's right that'd be nice well well like when when i edit the podcast i'll put in some like like i'm walking here, like underneath, every time you talk. Yeah. I wonder what I'll see, what I'll chance across,

what moments of street theatre I will enjoy. Shall we do some correspondence? Yes. Although first, we should probably just give a quick shout out to Podbud Freddy. Oh, shit. Yes, of course. Who, on Thursday, Freddy from the wonderful Wine Society, and also Podbud Treaters, you, me, and Offmenus at Gamble

to some fantastic wines yeah and to some wine some wine toasting it's really yeah it felt so luxurious but fun

and chilled and we just talked about podcast stuff and poops it was a real mix of high culture and well BudBud about podcast stuff and poops. It was a real mix of high culture and well, Bud Pod.

Yeah, that's the brand. It was very on brand. It was high-brow low-brow. It was very on brand, actually. High-minded, low-bummed. You can find him, guys, on our Instagrams at freddiethewinebuyer on Instagram. And he posts about wine. If you've ever wondered what the difference is between red and white wine, it's a good place to start.

Oh, Freddy will tell you. Oh, he'll tell you. And much, much more. But yes, that was excellent. That was a real highlight of the old career there. A real pleasure. Pleasure. It was a pleasure.

Pleasure. Frederick introduced us to hitherto unknown grape-based pleasures. Bottles and bottles of pleasure. Bottles and bottles of pleasure. The most decadent grapes. Flavoursome ambrosias.

Ambrosias. Speaking of pleasure, let's read some correspondence. Yes, missive after missive Speaking of pleasure, let's read some Correspondence Yes, missive after missive dripping with viewers' pleasures Correspondence

Okay we got one from M M? Wow that's Mysterious A spy A spy? Yes it's M From the Bond films hello M That's the Judi Dench character right?

It's Judi Dench yes but it's M from the Bond films. Hello, M. Yeah, that's the Judi Dench character, right? It's Judi Dench, yes, but it's M, so it's Moody Mench. Which in German is what, like a grumpy man? Grumpy men? Yeah, well, a mensch is like a very, like a wise and good and accomplished pillar of society of a man in yiddish he's a man she's a real mensch right yeah yeah yeah from what i i mean that's the definition that

i've inferred from things like um uh oh god what's that movie the coen brothers movie a serious man oh i've not seen that yet it's fucking great is it I love Coen Brothers but I've not seen this series it's fucking great I loved it I loved it um yeah I thought it was good so Moody Man Shrides In

yeah I'm a new listener so I've been catching up on the previous episodes and praise redacted quite some years ago in a time before mobile phones I was in a relationship with a man who we will call Tom Tom pre-mobile Tom

pre-mobile Tom Tom was a lodger in a big ramshackle old mansion house in the countryside oh wow yeah what a setting. Very Famous Five.

Yeah. We wanted to keep the relationship secret as once I had had a brief fling with the owner of the house. Goodness me. Moody... What was her name? Moody Mench. Moody Mench?

Gosh. It's very Downton Shaggy. And things were a bit weird and uncomfortable as a result. Yeah, yeah. I suppose he's like, oh, Moody's back. I wonder what she... Oh.

She's returned. She must want me back. Oh. She's been seeing the lododger boy I don't know if it is a she It's just M Let's see if we can figure it out I guess I see M as a

Maybe I see M as a feminine letter Intrinsically for some reason M's a lady Is it because you think the M looks like boobs Yeah they look like Madonna's boobs if she was lying down M's a lady. Is it because you think the M looks like boobs? Yeah, they look like Madonna's boobs if she was lying down. So, one Friday night, Tom and I had been out on a particularly boozy night at the pub, followed up with a spicy chicken kebab.

Pleasure. Oh, wow. What regular pleasures are these? Boozy night at the pub, spicy chicken kebab, and picked up some vodka from the shop on the way home. Good lord. Bloody hell, it's not fucking around. Good lord. We went back to the house, climbed over a locked gate in the courtyard,

and snuck in through the back door in order to avoid seeing any of the family in the main part of the house. His room was in the old servants' quarters and the steps to the back door were right next to it, often serving as a handy escape route for me. Wow, what a naughty little episode. Yeah.

Plesios. How romantic. Rural Plesios. Plesios. We had a fun night and more drinks before passing out in bed. That's Plesios of youth. Romantic. Rural pleasures. Pleasures. We had a fun night and more drinks before passing out in bed. The pleasures of youth. Yes, the rural pleasures of youth. We had a fun night and more drinks before passing out in bed.

In the morning, Tom had to work quite early, just for a few hours. But I was so hungover, I felt too ill to move. So I figured I'd stay in bed longer and head out the back door later on when I'd recovered a bit. Fair enough. A couple of hours later, I woke up feeling a bit better, got up, got my stuff together. It was a sunny day, and out of the big second-floor sash window of his room,

I could see some of the family were outdoors, notably the granddad, who was gently wandering about in the little orchard collecting a few apples in the late summer sunshine. How idyllic. I wonder where is this place? Yeah. Edelstrop. He was in his 80s and he was a bit eccentric,

collecting and hoarding lots of stuff he found about the place, but a nice enough old man. As I looked out the window, I felt a terrible rumbling in my stomach and realized I needed a poo fairly urgently. The consequences of pleasure. Yes. The wages of pleasure.

Pleasure incurs a debt. If you plant pleasure, you reap the pleasure whirlwind The main issue with being at the house And trying to avoid everyone Was that the bathroom for his room Was actually in the main part of the house

Past the kitchen Oh no This is from a time before ensuite Unfortunately As I stuck my head out of the door to check I heard the kitchen full of family Including the son who I was so desperate to avoid Oh boy

This is like an episode of Frasier Yes I started to get fairly panicky at this point And I thought maybe I could sneak out the house to safety And perhaps the public loo just around the corner I grabbed my bag and began to sneak out. I got to the back door and turned the handle. It was locked. Oh no!

Oh my god. That's what it says. Chicken, chicken, chicken. No, no, no. Come on. Chicken, chicken, chicken. The wrenching knots in my stomach told me I didn't have long before the spicy chicken kebab fueled by cider and vodka chasers was going to exit my body whether I liked it or not. I feel hungover just listening to that combination. Yeah.

Pub, like, pints, and then chicken kebab, and then vodka to seal the deal. Bulk! Bulk, bulk, bulk. And it's cider, so it's all, like, sugar. Bulk, bulk, bulk, bulk. And it's cider, so it's all like sugar. Oh, and bubbles and all the bubbles and the chicken and the yogurt and the garlic and the chili. And it's going to be bad chicken. Bad chicken.

With hot and cold sweats and doubled over, I managed to get back up the stairs and into his room again. I didn't know what to do. And then something caught my eye. A Thresher's carrier bag. Oh, no. A Thresher's carrier bag. So, like, is that like a gardening thing? Well, so... Or threshing.

Well, no. So, Moody Mench goes on. It's capitalized like a brand. Oh, I see. I see. It's like a bag for threshing No She he they say Now I don't know if you remember their bags But they were of a particularly fine quality plastic

Uh huh Quite heavy duty dark red With striking yellow text So very noticeable Thresher carrier bag. Thresher luxury paper carrier bag. Surely it wasn't... No.

No, I'm looking at something completely different. Forget about it. I think Thresher's is a shop of some kind that must not exist anymore. Yeah. I can't find it. So it's a high quality carrier bag. Yes, bright

red and yellow. Oh, Thresher's Wine. Oh, now I'm listening. And the first thing on the website, Pop Fizz Drink. Oh, fucking hell. Ah, is it actually? Yeah, gross. Pop Fizz Drink. It's a type of off-license.

Oh. Oh. Actually... Yeah, gross. Pop this clink and pop this drink. It's a type of off-license. Oh. Oh. Anyway, it's a bright fucking strong carrier bag is the point. With big striking yellow and red noticeable stuff. It was then I realized I had no choice and the kebab was en route to freedom. No. Yuck. So as I lowered my pants and jeans and squatted over the Thresher's

carrier bag, I had little time to reflect on how low a point it was in my life. Sweating and squatting, but now with great relief as a giant cowpat jetted out. Horrible. I can see this so vividly. I felt at least the deed was done.

No, there's a hole in it. Of course. There must be a hole in it. A Thresher's? No, surely not. I grabbed a tissue from my bag, tidied things up, and tied a very tight knot in the hot ominously bulbous carrier bag. Oh, God.

And hid it in my rucksack. In a lovely country home as well, this is all happening in. Like a National Trust home. Yeah, exactly. What would they say? What would they say? This isn't high tea. Few I thought. Thank God that's over. I got dressed and sat on the bed, thinking I could read a book or something

until Tom arrived back from work and could unlock the door for me to get out. Very stupid of him to lock the door, I think. Yeah, this is on Tom, really. A dumb, a dumb thing to do. It was a hot day, and after about thirty minutes, I noticed the smell of spicy shit was pervading the room. I hate this.

I couldn't have him come back to that. We hadn't even farted in front of each other in this gentle early stage of the relationship. Yeah, yeah, let alone left carrier bags back to that. We hadn't even farted in front of each other in this gentle early stage of the relationship. Yeah. Yeah, let alone left carrier bags full of diarrhea for each other. Spicy diarrhea. Have you got to that stage of the relationship yet, you guys, where you just

have diarrhea in the carrier bag and you leave it in the bedroom? We have. Yeah, I know. They left me a bag of spicy diarrhea and a carrier bag in my room, and it just felt right, even though it was so soon. Yeah, it felt right. It's actually kind of cute. So, they say,

I opened the sash window to get some air in, but the stench was overpowering now. I had to get rid of the offending article. I grabbed the pendulous bag of still-warm poo and, with my best underarm lob, flung it out of the sash window with all my might. Aiming over the main fence

onto waste ground. That's pretty good. Onto waste ground. Yeah, waste ground. What's waste ground? You know, in the countryside there'll just be ground where it's like A pile of gravel and like a skip Oh okay

Waste ground like ground that's not being used for anything It's not a garden but it's not an industrial site But it's not a farm Alright You know what waste ground is You know waste ground come on we went there once You know waste ground The Come on, we went there once. You know waste ground. The UK is covered in it. Okay.

You know when there's like an empty field next to a car park of the train station of a shitty town? Mm-hmm. But it's not like a field that's like all stony and stuff and like scrubby. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's weeds. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a waste ground. So that's what she's aiming for. Or he. Oh, okay.

Or they. Midi mensch. Unfortunately, the sash window didn't open fully as it was very old, and my arm hit the frame, causing the bag to spin wildly off course. It got caught on a tree in the orchard, spun round, and thudded into the ground. No, not in the lovely orchard, the old man's orchard.

I held my breath, but I could see it was mercifully, at least, still intact and partially hidden by long grass. So it's not up, it's not in the tree. It caught the tree and it swung off course. So it caught the window, hit the tree, spun and thudded onto the ground. But she's checking to see if it burst And it didn't

Good It's just there in the long grass under the trees It's a high quality carrier bag, it's a Thresh's It's good, this is good for Thresh's At that point I heard Tom get back home And the door to his room opened He smiled, but I could see him quizzically sniffing the air Hi you I heard Tom get back home and the door to his room opened. He smiled, but I could see him quizzically sniffing the air.

Hi, you. Sorry, have you missed me? Oh. Or even worse, going, What? What is that? Like they're not sure what it is. They sort of keep sniffing it So

Before I had time to say anything to cover my track Something outside caught my eye I watched in horror out the window as I saw the grandad No I knew he was going to make a return It's Chekhov's grandad It's Chekhov's grandad He's always going to come back Chekhov's poopy grandad

Grandad bag. Oh no. His eyes, obviously caught by the bright red and yellow of the thresher's bag. Like a bull. Like an apple. A big apple full of diarrhea. Of course. A big warm soft apple.

Approach it and start to open it. No! Oh no. The poor old guy Tom came to the window to look And we saw the elderly man open the bag partially And reach inside of it Only to swiftly remove his hand and gasp in horror

At his hand that looked like It had been rammed under a chocolate fountain Why would you go hands first At his hand that looked like it had been rammed under a chocolate fountain. Why would you go hands first into a mystery bag? Why would you plunge your hand into a mystery bag? The grandad and Tom in this story are fucking idiots. Ah, a mystery bag just lying on the ground. I guess I'll pick this up.

Ooh, it's got a bit of weight to it and it's quite warm. It also seems to be liquid. Well, no need to look in first. I'll just shove my hand straight in. It'll probably be fine. I'll just smash my fist into this mystery. Nothing bad's ever in a plastic bag in the woods.

smash my fist into this mystery. Nothing bad's ever in a plastic bag in the woods. It's probably a lot of lovely custard. That's custard. So he's got a shit-covered hand and he's going, and he says that he looked around himself trying to work out where it had come from. As his eyes turned upwards

towards us, I grabbed Tom and pulled him to the floor to hide. Get down, Mr. President! Tom looked horrified and confused. By way of explanation, I pathetically proffered, It's a thresher's bag full of my poo. That's a pretty good explanation. Under pressure. Under pressure.

Under pressure as you've just smashed someone to the floor? It's a Thresh's bag full of poo. Full of my poo? No time to explain. It's a Thresh's bag full of poo. My poo, yeah. He responded only by saying, I'll unlock the back door now.

Yeah, he knows it's all his fault, really. Yeah, the shame still haunts me. So thanks, M. Gosh, I wonder what happened to the grandfather. Well, he died. Yeah. Immediately died. Straight away, the spice of the poo alone.

Burnt his hand off. Like the goggles they do nothing, like McBain. Just, ah! His hand's just a skull. His hand's a skeleton. Skeleton hand. That's the orchard ruined for that old guy forever. For the rest of his days. You won't be able to really enjoy that orchard ruined for the old guy forever. Yeah, no more...

For the rest of his days. You won't be able to really enjoy that orchard. No more scrumping for him, right? Like, yeah, you're never gonna... It's never gonna be as, like... It's just charming. Another day here in the orchard. Ah.

You always just think, well, I hope there's not a bag of hot, spicy diarrhea. Again. And every apple you eat from there now will be the apple from the diarrhea orchard. Even if there hasn't been a diarrhea in there for years it's still it's still a diarrhea apple yeah yeah and it was like a disguised apple yeah because it's red red and yellow like it's like he's about to be fooled by Wile E. Coyote or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's painted it to look like an apple on a wall,

but really it's a diarrhea-filled trap. Terrible business. Thanks, Em, and thanks for the lovely setting. It's rare that we get to indulge one of these stories in such rarefied environs. So thank you. Yeah, very sort of Midsummer Murders almost. I felt like we were in Atonement or something. Except Keira Knightley shat in a bag.

And threw it out the window. Dan gets in touch Dan? Dan what's the plan? so the plan is for him to say good morning Phil Popmonix Orchestra

oh lovely and he's got my name Peyre, Peyre no Willie is Peyre a mistakere, no, Willie. Is Peyre a mistake? It's just a misspelling, I think. Oh, okay. Peyre.

And then he says, it's harder to think of these kind of puns than one would believe. Yep. Mm-hmm. Yes. Puns are hard. But they're worth it. Yeah.

New Pistorian here. I've managed to listen to 92-plus hours of delightful dribbly poop talk. I never considered myself someone who understood toilet humor, but it turns out I just hadn't found my poop profits yet. Isn't it mad to think there are enough episodes of this that they span days, a number of days? Yeah. You could listen to us nonstop for days. Yeah. It doesn't feel like a healthy thing to do but there you are

it just seems incredible so Dan says I've really taken a sort of masochistic joy at the silly sketches mixed in with the indirect jabs at my bum bum life choices as a grown man of 30 who still very much enjoys Warhammer and in fact has woven it into his career,

I accept the flack that deservedly comes my way. I wonder how. I wonder what Dan does. Interesting. Indeed, many of us Warhammer fans often have the same but for the grace of God moments you experience when we walk past model train shops with their gleaming carriages and complex railways.

Pleasure! I like this idea of a hierarchy of disdain and embarrassment. Of like, yeah, I'm into Warhammer, but at least I'm not one of those train freaks. Yeah, who do the train freaks fear? The train spotters, maybe. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, the people who... Those grown men who collect My Little Pony dolls. I mean, yeah. They're the centre of Dante's circles of hell. Yeah, as long as you're not there, you're fine, really. Yeah. But you used to Warhammer yourself, right, Pierre? Well, I tried to.

I liked painting them. So what Dan is referring to is, you remember when we were talking about there but for the grace of God go I? With regards to? Warhammer being an incel. Incel. Yeah, that's how I feel about Inceldom certainly

Yeah so we were discussing that And we were saying You can fill it with incels or with Warhammer My younger sister said she fills it with wickens Wickens? Wicker, wickens? Wicker as in like people who make baskets No

W-I-C-C-A I don't know what that is. What? Google it right now. Right now. Okay. W-I-C-C-A. How do you not know what this is?

This is all potions and being a witch and all that shit. Oh. Okay. I didn't know it was called Wicca. But yeah, this is all this new... You can be a witch now these days. No, no. Wicicker is like

the 90s version of it and it's still around but it's ah have you googled it yeah i just had a quick look yeah it's like pentagons and stuff pentagons like candles and curses and charms yeah yeah yeah yeah sure i can't believe you've never heard that word i don't know i just you grew up with two sisters and you never heard it. Wicca? No, I guess it wasn't a thing in Malaysia. It's too superstitious. Yeah, you went from one... It would have gone to trouble for dabbling with the spirits, probably.

It's quite American, to be fair. It's more of an American thing. Probably came out of Sabrina. Yeah. The Sabrina craze. Anyway, the point is, Dan says, as two of the nation's leading comedians, both regular and toilet-based humour,

do you have other tangentially related fields of comedy or performance that you look down on with the same level of familiarity slash desire to participate and yet disgust slash self-loathing? It's a complex question. It's a very good question huh

um i i think it's more like styles yeah i think so something like you know speaking nerdily or like about say batman you know i think there but for the grace of god go i like the great thing about batman is and you can you can be a bat fan too and all what really being a bat fan is about it's about believing in a better future and you know one of these and like i start a whole podcast about it and or like going twee or going yes for me when with regards to comedy it's more about like a particular tones or a particular type of nerdy comedy that i i think are very i easily could have gone down the route of. And from time to time, I am tempted to indulge in. Yeah, politics as well. But for the most part, I'm glad I don't.

Politics for me. Politics, yeah. Like excessive politics, like really hyper-specific. Well, yeah, like the worst version of it. I mean, obviously there's good versions of it. But the worst version of it I mean obviously there's good versions of it but the worst version of it you think oh yeah I can see how that can happen sometimes I think it would be cool to be

some sort of horrible clown like a mean clown yeah it should be a horrible clown but then that's just on days when I'm annoyed with the audience so you become one of those like really antagonistic style clowns but people can't get angry with you because it's the art form?

They can't get angry with me because it's the art form, I'm a clown and I'm massive. Yeah, you're a big guy. Really unfair clown. Yeah. Actually, that would be quite a funny name. Unfairness the Clown.

It's a a funny name. Unfairness the Clown. It's a really funny idea. I'd enjoy Unfairness the Clown. Coming around and just smashing things and refusing to pay people money they have owed. The first

clown bailiff. Just a criminal. Just a criminal disguised in a performance art thin veil. Clown enforcer. That's what you would want to be. Clown enforcer.

Yeah! Unfairness the Clown Enforcer Yeah That could be a fringe show Back when Whenever the fringe comes back in two years or whatever Hmm That's a good question

Dan says your podcast has made me realise that my farts Sound like 90s sitcom era Tim Allen Interesting sound like 90s sitcom era Tim Allen. Interesting. And now I actively laugh out loud every time I fart. So that's a lasting effect to the very least. Keep on jacking it, Dan. Thanks, Dan.

Thank you, Dan. Thank you, Dan. It's taken our input for Dan to realize that farts are funny. Up to this point, every time he's farted he's gone Oh that wasn't That very uncouth

He's farted and it's gone And he's gone Uh oh Very disappointed in myself there Yeah not for me that He's shaking his head at his own arse No that's not for me that he's shaking his head at his own ass going no that's not for me not my sort of thing at all actually did you watch home improvement a lot as a kid loads we watched it so much i swear it's all we ever watched was home improvement it was on

every half an hour like emergency news why how did it get such worldwide exposure I think it's just because there were like 800 episodes and you could just put it on buy it and put it on and it was about men manly men men men so in like the the the in less

progressive countries shall we say it was very instantly comprehensible DIY maybe I'm remembering it less progressive country, shall we say. It was very instantly comprehensible. It was DIY. Maybe I'm remembering it with rose-tinted glasses. But it seemed actually quite... It treated the subject of masculinity quite delicately, I thought. Because there was Tim, the tourman tailor, who was so hyper-masculine

that he was actually a parody of masculinity whereas the real star of the show and the real popular one was Al who was very like he was much softer he was a little more heterosexual but he was the one that was popular with all the ladies and then his sons also sort of spanned

the spectrum of male identity was Brad was the sort of spanned the spectrum of male identity. It was Brad was the sort of jockey one, and then this clever, sarky, chanter-like middle guy. Oh, yeah. And then the youngest, who became a sort of emo. Did he? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He becomes like an emo for a bit. How late did the show run? In one of the later series, yeah. Oh, my God. I'm going to do phd on home improvement you remember a lot more than i the impact of home improvement on the modern male psyche yeah well certainly on modern male psyche i don't think it was that big in the UK. Yeah. Yeah, the only comedian I've heard mention it is Rose Matifeo in their stand-up,

and she grew up in New Zealand. I think it might be another one of these sort of colonial shows. Yeah, definitely. Commonwealth shows, yeah. I think anywhere that got, the Disney channel on satellite yeah and you had to get satellite because the local TV was so mental yeah

well Phil you better go and pack all the things you need for New York Statue of Liberty polish cherry flavored foot lube and eggs they don't have eggs I always forget they don't have eggs in America Cherry flavoured foot lube. Mm-hmm. And eggs. They don't have eggs in America.

I always forget they don't have eggs in America. So I have to bring my own eggs. It's mad, isn't it? Because they have stuff with eggs in. I'll bring a baker's dozen in case one breaks mid-flight. Yes. Yes. Yeah.

Yes, very good. Well, enjoy. And next time I talk to you, you will be in the fat apple. I'll be stateside baby That's right Drinking in the sweet freedom On eastern time Okay listeners

You gotta try Jamie Panucci's pizza The one from Futurama With the sad dog outside Yeah oh cute sweet Sad episode but a good one Go see that dog in Mercy Kill It Brilliant Thanks man and thank you pod buds cheers guys talk to you all next week bye