BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 124 - Sizzlin' Correspondence/Tat Special

Episode Date: July 21, 2021

The boys chat culture war, football war, the Tories being immune and then get into some good old correspondence and tat! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's one to four. One to four. One, two, four. We are on an... No, it's a geometric sequence. Oh. A factor of two, right? One, two, four.

Oh, yeah. It was the geometric sequence that the England team followed for a spell. Do you remember that? I don't, but I'm amazed to hear it yeah well what was the match before germany they scored one nil one one nil and then germany two nil and then uh ukraine four nil oh yeah oh yeah so if they follow a geometric sequence, they would have beat Denmark 8-0. I see. Okay.

Which didn't quite happen. They're not the first geometric sequence team. Yeah, that would be an interesting statistic. And by interesting, I mean pointless. But what was the last tournament performance that achieved a geometric sequence in its scoring? Yeah, it's also a piece of information that straddles a very uneasy and thin line of people who love football and people who love mathematics. Yes.

Yes. Which there are some. Is it also the two it also 2's exponential sequence Right 1 to the power of Yeah yeah yeah it is So yeah it's binomial No it's not binomial Binary

2 to the power of 0, 2 to the power of 1, 2 to the power of 2 1, 2, 4 But look we've already Dedicated one episode of this podcast to binary arithmetic. And a different one to football. So that's fair and balanced by anyone's rules. Yeah.

I think we have appealed... Yeah, talking about binary football, I think we are appealing to every possible demographic yeah yeah i would agree with that all possible worlds yes are you still sick from football fever pierre your patient zero to me of uh of football fever euros for fever i want to study you and see how the interest abates over time. Oh, I'm already in complete remission. Right, yeah. Have you, as has been observed with many new football devotees, moved on, followed the conversation onto the race debate in the UK?

I followed it. I haven't joined it. I followed it. Uh-huh. I haven't joined it. I followed it. No, never join. No. Never join. Never join. Never join in.

Yeah. It's time to listen. That's what people say, isn't it? The culture wars are a casino, and the house always wins. The best strategy is not to play that's my philosophy now yeah i've seen i've seen well i mean like fundamentally as long as people have a basic level of faith that you aren't a racist and you don't approve of racism then you've already got what you want out of engaging in the debate if you're not directly involved.

Mm-hmm. Yes. And I've seen so many well-meaning but poorly thought-out attempts by especially sort of like artsy white folk to try and engage and end up making themselves look absolutely or terrible. Yeah. themselves look absolutely or terrible yeah they engage in such a ham-fisted and sort of strange way that they end up seeming patronizing or you know i'm oh yes i've seen a couple of those yeah and it's a real shame because you want to say to them i mean you know god bless you for trying but on this occasion you really no one was worried about you no no one was worried about what he thought i think being on the right side of history to um to to coin a phrase it can give a person a false sense of security with regards to the the validity of their contribution yes to debate. And they can find themselves falling into traps because

they're so convinced that they're right. Because they fundamentally are. If you're against the racist abuse of England's players, you're right. But that doesn't mean you can't misstep somewhere and make a tangential but incorrect point. Oh, yeah. And then

you'll be one of those people who's like you'll have this nightmare where you're like looking behind you going but i'm one of the good guys as as you get kicked off the cliff or whatever on twitter yeah being a bad a bad one um but that's the case you know just because you just because you won big at roulette doesn't mean you're going to not going to lose it all in craps this is it right yeah and i mean all the proof that you need that the entire debate is is kind of an insane casino is the fact that the government can just immediately change its mind about racism being bad and then everyone just everyone just goes all right and it's just like kind of endless laser tag. Just nothing sticks.

Yeah. Yeah. Nothing sticks. Everyone knows what everyone else thinks. And it's all just a big sort of chat, big chat party, big chat time. I mean, people don't give this government credit for just completely bossing

these sort of battles battles these online battles the um the ethical battles the culture wars yeah this government just fucking nails it and people they do it so well people don't think that they're winning i think they can pretty patel can deport a million people and then and then say don't be racist to our players and people go but you earlier you were like and she can just keep quiet hold her ground and people can do fuck all

because she's the home secretary she just smirks she just smirks she's still the home secretary I wonder if at one point Boris Johnson just sat down with people he cared about. Didn't tell Matt Hancock the meeting was happening. But sat down,

Dominic Ra, Priti Patel, Rishi Sunak, and said, you know what I found out? Is that if you, well, if you if you, well, if you just don't give a shit, nothing will happen. And they're like, oh, cool. And they write it down on a notepad.

And then Matt Hancock wasn't told this. He said to them, if you do that, I won't make you resign. Yes, I won't make you resign. It's totally up to you if you stay in the job or not. There's no pressure coming from me. Yeah, I won't pressure you. I don't give a shit. That's what he said. He said you i don't give a shit that's what he said he

said i don't give a shit a shit and he jabbed his finger into each of their eyes with each word i don't give a shit like i i i i i i mean all the worst stuff about him is already out there that's his strength he must be the first prime minister whose blackmail are articles he wrote. In publicly available papers. Yeah, it's all already out there. It's genius. But it's the same as Donald Trump. It's what they call baked in.

People have already baked in these flaws when they decided to vote for him. It's not new information. Some of the Dominic Cummings stuff coming out is new information, and that might have an impact. But by and large, I mean, you say the government is bossing the culture war. They kind of are.

I mean, they're not playing with any grace. It's not like they're cunning. They're kind of enormous U-turns and going, oh, bleh, and sort of. Yeah, but that's the genius move, right, to recognize that grace has no place in the culture. But there are just no consequences is the point yeah because fundamentally whatever they do loads of voters don't want the opposite of it and if you don't want the opposite of it then pointing it out it doesn't do anything it's like sort of going well uh we'll keep pointing out that churchill is an

alcoholic and it's like well a people kind of people seem to quite like the fact he's an alcoholic. And B, they don't particularly specifically want someone who doesn't drink to be prime minister. So it doesn't matter. Right. Right. There's no opposite desire. Right. So, yeah, I mean, yeah, you're right. So in this case, there's no great public hunger for a government that is actively, what would the term be?

Sort of actively righteous. Yeah, exactly. In public or actively righteous on social media or in the papers. Yeah, and the government is doing loads of stuff that the kind of a lot of broad base of voters want eg just sort of deport deporting people the the way that um you might just spray paintballs at a crowd just anyone that gets hit gets deported just that kind of random en masse um and they like that and it's

to them to a lot of people it's just a bonus that priti patel is herself the child of immigrants and is you know a person of color and so on that's just like that sweetens the deal you know that just seals off yeah criticism yeah yeah it's's like in Denmark, they're getting incredibly, incredibly harsh. And one of the main government ministers is, I believe, the son of Ethiopian refugees or was a refugee himself. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. I mean, that guy's even more immune than Priti Patel. Well, this is the thing. well this is the thing immigrant communities don't like

other immigrants coming in and taking up their the space they fought hard to get I don't know why people don't understand this we want it we want it we want it there's nothing

a successful immigrant family or like a successful immigrant family likes to do more than pull up the ladder it's it why would we want to do anything else yeah would we do anything else this is it yeah okay so it's it's matthias tisfaya his father was a refugee it's something like that but yeah I mean that even Priti Patel doesn't have that level of

nominal bulletproofness Ethiopian refugee father yeah there you go he can just say and do whatever he wants he's like Priti Patel is very powerful but this guy's like super saiyan

yeah his hair's gone all blonde and golden in the shape of a flame oh man yeah he's hovering in the air yeah it takes 11 episodes for him to deport just one person loads of charging up his deportation cannon but this is the thing is that you know if you don't have an answer for the fact that like well they he's he's you know who he is and he wants to do it so there you go then we're back to arguing on the basis of the actual arguments and the values and so on which is we haven't done for a while and it's everyone's out of practice and the government will often win because they don't seem to have any values beyond whatever gets them votes which is why they keep winning oh the conservative party are the most successful political party in history and there's yeah it's because they

they're fucking chameleons they'll be what they'll be whatever you want them to be. Yeah, yeah. They're like something from a sort of a holodeck. Yeah, a fucking Terminator. They'll turn into Mercury and then take the shape of whatever thing you want them to be. Just a low-tax sign, a big low-tax sign made of shimmering mercury. Oh, my God. sign a big low-tech sign made of shimmering mercury oh my god well the boris 1000 aside phil we should do a correspondence special to try and re-attack our incredible pile of fantastic

messages i should also clarify for people confused as to why they can't hear sirens and guys going, I'm walking over here in the background, that I'm back from New York. I'm back and quarantining. That's right. Land of Phil and Bud Pod. I'm back on Terra Britannia and it feels good. Yeah.

Yeah. Sweating. Yeah, sweating. Back into civilization. All right, let's do some correspondence. Ring letters. Keep emails. Email. Phone. Telegram.

Talking. Decking. Your sister. Keep a straight eye. Feel. To create. Ring letters. Correspondence We got ourselves a message from

Greg Greg Likes to No that's a sex thing Peg He could like to Greg the egg from Succession. The series coming out.

That's going to be good. Do you watch Succession? I need to catch up. I need to catch up. Boom. I know. Yeah, I know. I'm very busy.

I won't be annoying about it, but it's weird to me. I'm very busy pouring sweat at the moment. That's my main. That's taking up a lot of time. It's taking up a lot of time at the moment, yeah. Suck-sweat-tion? That's what you're up to right now. I am...

Yeah, I'm catching up with Suck-sweat-tion. Hang on, let me move this. Let me move this microphone some way more... Season 2 of Suck-sweat-tion. Anyway, so, the point is Dear Greg has caught in touch greg the egg from the success greg the egg from succession uh greetings phil and pierre

bloody mike um what follows is some horrendously formatted signage and graffiti slash tat for your viewing displeasure brief side note my girlfriend isn't massively into podcasts or toilet humor but i always save my favorite of the poo stories stories, excuse me, to share with her. Her looks of horror and cries of, oh no, and stop, are almost as funny as the stories themselves. Praise Redacted, Praise Redacted, kind regards, and Koji Gregg. Thanks, Gregg. Thanks, Gregg.

I'm glad that we can be a source of torment for your partner. Yes. So Greg has sent us some pictures. And this is the side of a car that's kind of been scribbled on with some sort of special drawing on your own car pen. Oh. Like a kind of gloopy graffiti marker pen that can wash off. Oh, okay. And what's supposed to be written is,

let's all beat COVID for the children. Okay, yeah. Right, so that's on there. But what has happened is that half that message is on the passenger door and half is on the kind of hatchback back bit well so it curves around no so oh is it a two door it's a two door ah yep um and so in the in other words on one door it just says let's beat the children and because of the natural gap it does just look like the message is let's beat the

children all covid for let's beat the children for covid um yes exactly Let's beat the children for COVID. Make them weak enough. The next one is a t-shirt, a sassy t-shirt that one might buy. And the message should say, I'm not saying I'm Wonder Woman. I'm just saying nobody has ever seen me and Wonder Woman in the same room together. I hate those. I hate those! So I'm going to read this to you the way it looks

because it's arranged incredibly clumsily around a sort of half silhouette of Wonder Woman's head and logo. I'm not, I'm just nobody Wonder Woman in the same room, Wonder Woman saying I'm saying me has and ever seen together

That sounded like a recording of your voice played backwards I'm not I'm just nobody Wonder Woman in the same room Wonder Woman saying I'm just has me ever and seen together why don't these people have checks like just one check

someone to posit to a person who hasn't seen the t-shirt and go can you read this does this make sense that's all they would have taken part of growing up is realising that you actually a person who hasn't seen the t-shirt and go can you read this? Does this make sense? That's all I would have taken. Yeah, and I feel like part of growing up is realizing that you actually don't want a very long t-shirt message

because no one will pick it up immediately and you have to stand awkwardly with a kind of, uh? look on your face while they slowly read your t-shirt and have to like sort of go, oh, ha ha ha. And then say, so is that just is will that be all sir you know i forgot to say when i was at the met gallery in new york from which i've just

returned i there was a guy just a normal guy like middle-aged balding guy kind of tubby, just walking around, just looking at just looking at the the exhibit. Just normal guy. And his t-shirt said, I'm not a gynecologist, but I'll take a look. Oh, wow. But he was just walking around like he wasn't wearing that t-shirt.

And in the Metropolitan Gallery of Art. I was going to say, in an art gallery. Do you think it's because he was going to go see the nudes? Yeah. Maybe he's actually the... What do you call someone who... He's the curator, yeah.

Curator. He's the erotica curator. Yeah. The front says, I'm not a gynecologist but I'll take a look and the back says at your Rubenesques I'll have a look at your Klimt that's pretty good actually

I'm not a gynecologist but I'll take a look at your Klimt take a look at your Klimt also available Take a look at your Klimt. Take a look at your Klimt. Also available, I'm not a gynecologist, but I listen to Debussy. Very good. Yes, very good. Although Bussey is something else.

Yeah, and I don't know how you would listen to a vagina, but... I mean, you can, of course. You could hear the sea. The next and final Greg thing is quite, it's a classic, I've seen it before, it's a sign painted on two panels that are at a right angle,

so like one flank of a square. Two signs that are painted. So it's a sign that's painted on two panels that are at 90 degrees. To one another. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

So you're looking... And is the text going down one and across the other? Yeah, they're trying to use both at once, which is the mistake. Yeah. So what it should say is, just do it. Nothing is impossible. But it just say is just do it nothing is impossible but it just says just do nothing it is impossible i wonder i wonder if that could function as like a test you know like a glass half full glass half

empty kind of test and the people who see just do it Nothing is Impossible are optimists, but if you're a pessimist you read It's Impossible. It is impossible. So, thank you, Greg. Charlie gets in touch. Charlie! Charlie!

Wally is a good Pixar film. Yeah, it's very nice. Greetings, Bud Plugs. Very nice. I like Bud Plugs a lot. Can't believe it's taken this long. Bud Plugs. Bud Plugs is great. When it's hot, by the way, I keep walking around saying to myself,

Bud Pod, summer in the city. That's what I've been doing this morning. That's funny. So Charlie gets in touch. Greetings, Budplugs. I've been listening to the podcast for a while now, and I'm Stacey Dooley style obsessed. Yeah.

now and i'm stacy dooley style obsessed on a photo of charlie holding her phone up like it's a child taking a photo with our podcast going obsessed um my boyfriend sent me this tat he was suggested by the facebook robots and i knew i had to share it with you keep up the excellent word keep gilling it charlie very nice ah jack and jill of course jill jills for the ladies sorry we've been we've been leaving out the ladies this whole time keep gilling it keep gilling it yeah i feel i wonder if that will take off it's been around a few years now the idea of gilling jack and gilling is that true yeah i heard it a few years ago, the idea of jilling, Jack and Jilling. Is that true? Yeah. I heard it a few years ago for the first time and thought it was clever, but it's never seemed to achieve market penetration, if you pardon the pun. I suppose jilling it doesn't immediately,

it's not immediately apparent where it's come from. Yes, and also I can't imagine enough scenarios where women are like, I'm going to go masturbate! And not only are bold enough to do that, but when men are like, sorry, what? Oh, jilling, like jacking it. I'm going to go touch my genitals, you know, sexually. It's an awkward

explanation moment, I suppose. Yeah. And she's included some praise at the end which I will send to you, Phil, moment, I suppose. She's included some praise at the end, which I will send to you, Phil, which is very nice. Praise redacted. This is one of those robot-generated shirts.

It's a classic robo-shirt. It says, Yes, I am a spoiled girlfriend But not yours I am the property of a freaking Awesome boyfriend He's a bit crazy and scares me sometimes What this is all in one shirt

Chilling it goes on He's a bit crazy and scares me sometimes But he is a perfect mixture of sweetheart and warrior. That's in a little box. I love him and he is my whole world. Mess with me, the beast in him... No.

It's still going. Mess with me, the beast in him will awake and they'll never find your body in tiny letters and brackets. Yes, he bought me this shirt. Jesus Christ. One of these. One of these. Yes, he... It's a yes, he bought me this shirt shirt. Yes. I hate yes, he bought me this

shirt shirts. I hate them. I hate these shirts. I can't believe they've managed to fix this. Only a robot could find space for that much text on one shirt. It's just a block of text. In order to vary it up,

there's an insane combination of fonts and squares. Phil, do you think... He scares me sometimes. What was that about? Yeah, he's a bit crazy and scares me sometimes. It's just like one enormous red flag, the shirt. Although, I mean, there are these couples out there who like to think that Harley Quinn and the Joker.

You know what I mean? Yeah, I mean, I remember when someone sent us that bedspread where it was like a sexy blonde boob lady being driven on a motorbike by a skeleton. And it's like skeleton boyfriend and that's the dream boyfriend is angry skeleton boyfriend. Toxic skeleton boyfriend.

Phil, do you think you're the perfect mix of sweetheart and warrior? I'm a sweetheart. I could probably do with more warrior sometimes I feel So I'm not the perfect Mr. No I think I need a little bit more warrior I love to sit down

on a Sunday evening I put on ITV2 and I watch Sweetheart and Warrior solve murders Yeah it's a classic odd couple Sweet a little sweetheart and a warrior they just they compliment each other you know what does the sweetheart do he charms what does the sweetheart bring to the table he's the good cop he's the good cop of course it's a classic good i think wearing one of these shirts whether you're a man or a woman should count as like you know in bars where they go if you feel uncomfortable just say to the barman i want to talk to clive or whatever and then they

they like call your cab or call the cops or yeah if you wear one of these hoodies like he's a bit crazy it scares me sometimes but he's a beast and a warrior and he'll kill you i've always wondered about that if you need help ask for Clive what if there is a Clive if they hire a Clive at the bar do they have to change the sign? or does Clive not get the job?

do you have to pick a niche enough name? but then the trouble is it's too obvious if someone goes to the bar and says can I speak to Cornelius? Then the horrible person that they're with... Well, it depends on what the pub is. I mean, if it's in Highbury and Islington,

that's quite believable, right? Yeah, if it's in Hackney Wick, there could be a Cornelius. There could be Hackney, yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, those shirts are chilling. The robots are not quite that smart yet.

Yeah, thank God. We've got a few years yet. We've got a few years yet. Some more interesting stuff from David. Is it David? David. Hey, David. Hey, David.

The subject line is quite good. The old one, too. Colon. Tat, David. Hey, dude. The subject line is quite good. The old one too, colon, tat and praise. Tat and praise. The old one too. I like that. David says, dear Chunk Splashity and the brown pants kid. Okay, so that's... What Cassidy? Butch Cassidy.

Butch Cassidy. Chunk Splashity. Chunk Splashity. And the SundanceKid. The BrownPantsKid. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll take it. Sundance BrownPants. BrownPants Sundance.

Just wanted to say he loves the podcast. He never really got podcasts but Podchanged that however you thoroughly ruined the most recent season of Bake Off as in now I'm incapable of watching without thinking hmm this cake's a bit dildo what's that a reference to?

it was that sketch we did about the shitty innuendos oh I don't remember this you were on Extra Slice or something What's that a reference to? It's that sketch we did about the shitty innuendos. Oh, I don't remember this. We were making fun of... You were on Extra Slice or something. Yeah. It was all like people tittering at soggy bottoms and all that. Oh, yeah, yeah.

And we were saying, people were just like, oh, this icing's a bit cum. Just yelling it. Oh, gosh. just yelling it oh gosh that just reminded me of a sketch from the new series of I Think You Should Leave when he's in the haunted house yeah

you were saying that one really really got you didn't it that one really got me if anyone hasn't seen I Think You Should Leave on Netflix you got to if you like this crap you't seen I Think You Should Leave on Netflix, you got to. If you like this crap, you will love I Think You Should Leave. It's so funny. I think that's fair.

Was it the bit where he's sort of crying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I won't spoil it. Wires got crossed. And David says some more lovely things about my 2018 edinburgh show and also the fact that and this is from a while ago but i do remember this i sent him a

video birthday message ah yeah i do remember that um so uh he says please find attached some social media dog tat for you to burn your eyes on. And it is very cringeworthy. It was the... When Biden got into the White House, they released the statement from the first... From the dogs. Yeah. And it just says, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, loads.

And it ends in a woof and it's is that a cute name for the president's dog yes yes nice the oval paw fist that's on the thing

that's on the statement no is it it's at the oval paw fist but it only works in an american accent pathos office office of course yeah um really gross and there's a translation from all the woofing all the translation from canine we love it here at the white house all the humans are petting us and giving us nom-noms. No, that's not come... No.

Yeah. Which account? That's come off the official President's Dog's Twitter account. Yeah. Earlier we took... Bring back Trump, actually. Bring back Trump. Yeah, bring him back.

All is forgiven. I think let's bring back Trump. I think nothing Trump did was worse than that. Nothing. Nothing. Earlier we took a nap on the couch in the oval Parthas. Our new workplace.

Our schedule for tomorrow includes an in-depth examination of the West Wing and multiple digging sessions in the Rose Garden in order to expedite renovations to return it to its former glory. I wonder which fucking psychopath intern got lumped

with this job i'm what some kid who just wants to be in the seat of power in the united states now has to run the dog's twitter account this is such a stupid thing to have there's nothing to gain from having a dog's twitter account and it's just one more possible platform to say something offensive on by accident it's also just release this if you must but the only

I think the funniest version of this would have just been woofs yeah no translation or just with a single woof on like it printed on a really important looking piece of paper that's quite funny yeah dogs don't go that's not a sentence to dogs yeah otherwise imagine can you imagine how deafening it would be to own more than one dog? If they were essentially screaming at each other.

I wonder where... Woof isn't the best of the animal onomatopoeias. No, Woof's pretty shit, to be honest. I mean, sometimes dogs kind of go... But it's not like their main noise. No, I agree. You know what? This whole thing is a piece of shit and um I don't like it Dave ends his email rub your genitals until you come

which is very nice break it down back to basics post modern post modern bud pod just say what we mean deconstruct a Bud Pod What If you were charged Pierre

Like blank canvas The dog has just been discovered And the English language Is in its nascent days You Yeah Are tasked With coming up

With The word The English word For the sound a dog makes From your experience Of dogs What are you writing down? I mean I I mean the English word for the sound a dog makes from your experience of dogs what are you writing down I mean rough

is better than woof isn't it but you already write you know about rough though oh I already know about rough well I mean you now know about rough right is it is it affecting your yeah maybe yeah I would go for like R-U-H

Bruh Because they don't have lips Yeah Well they do have lips but not like us The idea of a dog going woof and then being able to make an F Can you imagine how a dog's face would have to move To even be able to do that It'd be horrible

If your dog went woof You'd freak the fuck out. You'd think he was doing it sarcastically. Woof. Woof. Is this what you want? Woof, woof, woof. Idiot.

Like, it'd be contemptuous. Bark, bark, yeah. Mine would be similar to you. Mine would be Roe, I think. So like R-O-A-H, I think I'd go. Oh, interesting. Roe. Roe.

Yeah, Roe. Yeah, that's good. See, I think that's better than Woof. I think, yeah. I think that can be... Okay, so our two campaigns now are replace woof with one of those and anti-murder yeah we're the only anti-murder and uh change uh reform woof campaign we're woof we're woof reformists we're woof reformists that We're woof reformists, that's right. We take a reformist view of woof.

But we do not take a reformist view of murder. No more. No, no. There's nothing to reform except the fact that some people still get murdered. That's right. And I say stop it. Mm-hmm. Relevantly to an email that we read out the other day

Howard gets in touch Howard Howard Howard, you don't get many Howards You don't get a lot of Howards I quite like Howie as well As an abbreviation Howie

Yeah, Howie's cool It's a cool name, I think, Howard Yeah, it's sort of cool. It's a cool name, I think, Howard. Yeah, it's sort of 50s. It's very Happy Days. In fact, I think there is a Howie in Happy Days, is there? Probo. Probably.

Probably. Dear Buttpluggers. So he's close to Buttplug. Oh, wow. Two in one. They've all come at once. They're like buses, a butt plug reference in Bud Pod. Yeah. He's described us as pee, yeah, and fill your pants.

Pee, all right, so urinate, yes. Yeah, I'm saying urination, hooray, and you'll fill your pants. Yeah, okay, nice. Pistorian long time listener here love the podcast it really is praise redacted and the ease with which you effortlessly switch from serious political discussions to stories about people

cacking themselves is a joy to behold well it's certainly the episode for that yeah one of those weeks he said I wanted to write in for ages but couldn't think of anything to talk about until the other day when I had an epiphany so the story is more of a poo moi a poo memoir about my brother

Okay but not to be confused with a poo noir which is an old American movie in which they must find out who did the poo Yeah it's a really gritty dark poo It's a really gritty, dark poo. It's a poo noir. Yeah.

It's really influenced by poo noir. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, you've got the damsel coming in, upset that someone's done a huge poo, trying to get the detective to fall for her. So Howard says, you see, when he was younger, around five, my brother suffered terribly with his guts. Oh, no. He'd get badly bunged up for several days, sometimes lasting up to a week.

And then when he finally went, he really went. God. Okay. Imagine, if you will, a turd several inches in diameter and the size of a brick almost i don't want to but i don't have to a turdzilla small tapered log he's saying i recall literally i recall wondering at the time how such a huge thing could come out of such a small boy dat as they say gotta hurt um now as you can imagine these beauties simply wouldn't flush No amount of water was going to shift

These anacondas sitting nonchalantly At the bottom of the bowl Poking defiantly out of the water So dad had the pleasure of breaking them up with a metal coat hanger God I mean it's not the first Time we've heard on this podcast About people having to break up Their huge logs

The last woman was a medical professional, for goodness sake. Yeah. It was their mum. So there's obviously no better solution if a medical professional is doing the same. Are there people out there who just have naturally flappy bums? Flappy wide bum holes that can take this sort of terrible strain? Yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah yeah i guess so i guess there are just some elastic bumholes you know how there's some people who like can pull their

cheeks really far they have hyper elasticity right that's what they're called yes yeah yeah or like they can pull the neck skin out really far it must be it must be those people whose anuses can also do the same thing. Yeah, and they walk among us. Yeah. As a party trick, they could, if they wanted to, bend over and pull open their anuses like, huh, see? And people go, whoa.

Wow. People gathering round, kind of looking in. Whoa, like echo, whoa, whoa, whoa. I guess, yeah, maybe you start a career as some kind of like you could get into very extreme pornography perhaps fondly remembering

my brother's epousodes got me wondering about what other weapon of choice podbirds might use to break up their floaters well we know, the terrible knife, the poo knife that got mixed in with everything the dad put it in the dishwasher yeah knife coat hanger

my wife he says a self confessed every 3-4 day pooer is when she finally strikes gold partial to a wooden baking skewer Jesus what is wrong with people yeah you know what you go through life thinking uh i am the exception to a civilized sensible world it is i who must correct for my mistakes and i'm who must look out for when I deviate from the norm. Yeah.

And it turns out everyone else is fucking nuts. Yeah. You spend your whole life thinking I am the lunatic hiding in the mob. Yeah. Nope. Not at all. Not even close. Nowhere near.

Nowhere near it turns out. But thank you Howard. That is enlightening. I'm starting to think maybe we should take onto Dragon's Den a dedicated poo-breaker. Yeah.

There's obviously a market for it, and people are having to improvise with household objects. Well, I know someone who has... I know someone whose sister... They live in a basement flat, so you can't... But it's such a basement flat that the toilet kind of... It has to go up.

It has to be like a vacuum toilet. Oh. And they have to... If you do that, if you have that, and and they have to if you do that if you have that and it just goes to like a tank or something you have to have a macerator which is like a turd blender yeah there's a macerator in the house i'm staying i'm staying in right now yeah mash the log the log that you had to pass. Out of your ass. Very good.

Thank you. Out of your ass. So we're pitching a kind of like Like that monster in the desert From Star Wars Like just little teeth in a bowl Yeah What was that thing called The Scrawlax, the Gravlax, the Growlax

Something like that The Naughty Boy The Growlax Was that it Something like that. Very funny prank potential as well if someone's just done a huge shit and you turn on the blender

when their arse is still on the bowl. Fire it upwards. All over. Yeah, it's a strange sensation using a toilet with a macerator. A putri bullet. Putri bullet. Of course. Well done.

Well done. A putri bullet. Yeah. A pood processor. A pood processor. Yes, very nice. But yeah, I just can't help thinking of the blades. I just A pooed processor. Yes, very nice. But yeah, I just can't help thinking of the blades. I just picture the blades.

When the macerator starts going, I just imagine those blades going... dutifully, mashing up shit. Day in, day out. For me, the thing that grosses me out weirdly is like, I'd find it almost less gross and a bit agricultural if it was just poo but it's the fact that it's all like toilet roll being like dealt with as well sort of somehow makes it more

horrible to me I'm not sure why that is because it kind of get like tangled up you mean the idea of it getting all tangled up um Joe gets in touch and says dearest pooperonies, praise redacted have listened through

almost twice already, bloody hell Joe wow, well done, thank you okay thank you he says gonna keep this one short and sweet, I've been going about my day of laying low due to corona and all that, meals I had video games played, but as bedtime rolled around something strange occurred to me I had not had my daily poo Dickens best I think to a correspondent special and the stories were rife with tales of poo and shittery. I love that novel, Tales of Poo and Shittery.

Dickens' best, I think. Heroic. Underrated. Please, sir, may I have a poo? That was the big line. And then the guy goes, a poo? A poo? Because you weren't supposed to go to the toilet in Victorian times.

Boy for sale. Pooing boy for sale. That's what he said. It rang a big bell. So, before you knew it, my lower stomach made noise with such ferocity that even my fiancé was concerned. And luckily I was able to scurry to the toilet with a good luck from them as I waddled through the door. Your soothing podcast took form of an audible laxative and I couldn't have been more pleased. Koji forever and always Joe.

Another example. Not the first time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not the first example of a laxative effect. It's a chilling Bud Pod. Getting Britain moving. Bud Lax.

Lax Pod. Laxpod. Laxapod. Laxapod, that's right. That's right. I wonder if there's something about the way we record this that inherently has some sort of brown note. Yeah, maybe it's just like

maybe it's just suggestion. Right? Maybe it's just the art of suggestion. It's like we're Darren Browning. We're Darren Browning everyone. We're browning everyone like Darren. Yeah. Yeah, maybe we are. Bloody hell.

So we will end on a fairly long story from... What's he signed off as? Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul the Tall. Paul the Tall Paul the Small

He says Sorry for any spelling mistakes as I'm dyslexic Howdy Howdy I'm a relatively new listener I can't say your podcast has changed my life But it's definitely added some extra spice Entirely fair Yeah changed my life but it's definitely added some extra spice yeah listening to the many stories

of fellow listeners pootastrophes has given me the courage to share my story i know this ain't your first rodeo so buckle up cowboys he's sticking with howdy he's really sticking with the wild west theme yeah and you gotta you gotta appreciate his consistency. That's right. We go back to 2013. In this story, Robin Thicke's Blurred Lines was UK number one, and Brexit was still a breakfast cereal. Oh, heady days, heady days. There were blurred lines, but not those lines between the UK and continental Europe. Those lines were clear, defined, and for the most part worked.

Yes. And he says, alongside thousands of other 18-year-olds across the UK, I was apprehensively sitting my A-levels. Ah. Good luck. Yeah. It was time for my finals,

my final piece of work in secondary school, the final time I would sniff the stagnant air as I walked around the hallowed corridors Of my school On the morning of the exam I felt, this is his geography exam He specified in the Subject

On the morning of the exam I felt a slight rumble in my stomach But I put it down to nerves Later as I walked to school the rumbling grew into a cacophony Of unpleasant gargles and churning I had no time to turn back And convinced myself it would settle down Later, as I walked to school, the rumbling grew into a cacophony of unpleasant gargles and churning. I had no time to turn back and convinced myself it would settle down, how wrong I was. By the time I walked into the exam hall, a cramp I can only describe as a contraction had taken hold. It was so bad I could hardly stand up straight.

His anus is dilating. He's crowning. We want this poo to be all natural. And to do it in a paddling pool. Ah, a water poo. A water pool. Did you know they can swim? When they come out first?

That's why they had to change the Nirvana album cover. It was just a poo and a dollar bill on a hook. Yeah. It was too grungy. It's too grungy. It's too grungy. They wanted to appeal to some of the mainstream. Yeah.

Yeah. Even they had their limits. He says, I know what you're thinking. Why didn't you just go to the toilet, you fool? Well, he says, I went to an all-boys school. It was a miracle on biblical levels if you found a lav with a seat that hadn't been ripped out by a hormonal gorilla boy. No doors had locks. They had all been destroyed years before my time bog roll was robbed and used for mischief before it had ever even reached the dispenser

it's mad that you start your life having to use the worst toilets you will ever encounter yeah it's a real um yeah the level of difficulty really decreases over time. It really, really does. They don't tell you that. They tell you about the things to be afraid of in adulthood, but they never tell you the toilets get better. They never tell you that if you as an adult were in a normal public toilet

and a bunch of other adults tried to sort of burst in and harass you while you were shitting, it would be a crime. It's really extraordinary what children have to go through that adults don't. It's really amazing. We didn't talk about it enough. They can't even shit in peace. It's such a low

bar. So in short, the school toilets were for weeing, normally on the floor, smoking and the occasional fight. Hmm. Yep. I got about three pages into the exam when the sweats began. The contractions were getting worse and more frequent.

I knew it was only a matter of time before the devil's broth rampaged from my backside. I was now locked in a battle of wills with Beelzebub himself. Very good. Bowelzebub himself. Very good. Bowelzebub. Bowel Bowelzebub. Hmm. Yes.

I never got past the halfway point of my geography exam. How could I? Oh no. My brain was fully focused on the wall that was raging within me. It was like when Voldemort and Harry Potter's wands connect in the Goblet of Fire. I don't know the reference, but I can imagine it. The two beams kind of shoot into each other, and there's a kind of light laser fight. Oh, okay.

The screams of my long-lost ancestors willing me not to let go. I could not shame the family name by becoming the boy to do a real-life will from the in-betweeners. Hell yeah, I remember that episode. After what felt like a life sentence of agony somewhere in the periphery of my focus, I noticed the examiners collecting our papers. I had won the battle, but was far from winning the war.

As soon as the examiner opened her mouth to dismiss us, I set off like there was a bomb under my desk. I burst through the hall doors to the astonishment of my teacher, who was waiting outside to see how he did. The last she ever saw of me was a sweating mess running at full pelt, doubled over, holding my stomach like I'd been shot.

Wow, must have been hard. Must have been a hard exam, that's what the teacher says. Yeah, oh, he didn't do well. Applause. I somehow made it to the school gates. I felt like a gazelle who's been chased out of the pack by a lion the school gates? so he's not even trying the school toilets no he's not even risking it

I knew I could never reach the safety of home before the eruption it was coming and there was no escape fucking hell I scrambled across the road narrowly avoiding a car I ran up I ran up a cut Through path that also led to a

Like an action film Just like sliding up the bonnet As it barely like Hey watch it Sorry Leaving a skid mark on the hood Yeah as he slides over it? Yeah, as he slides over it like a cool cop, just... Just across the bonnet.

I scrambled across the road, nearly avoiding a car. I ran up a cut-through path that also led to a church and a house that I can only presume was the vicar's. So there's a kind of cut-through path that leads to the school. I dived behind a bush, but it only partially hid me from sight. I had only just got my trousers down

before a hot stream of misery ejected itself. It was brutal. Such power and velocity, I was surprised it didn't start to hover like a Harrier jump jet. I love a reference to the Harrier jump jet. We don't talk about the Harrier jump jet enough. We don't.

Triumph of British engineering. A triumph. And they scrapped it. And it's one of the few sort of fighter planes that even the Americans used and bought from us. planes that even the americans uh used and bought from us yeah there's an episode of simpsons where they're like the the pride of the american air force the british made harrier jump jet yes yes yeah and then they just scrapped them fools probably um i'm happy to tell you that as far as I'm aware no one witnessed what happened that day once it was over I used my geography revision notes

to clean myself up oh god I mean that's one way to celebrate usually people just throw their notes in a big fire but I guess covering it in shit is another option it was the only thing I had to use at the time and I was careful to make sure my name

wasn't on any of the paper I used. Ha ha ha! As I did a walk of shame to home, a cunning plan popped into my head. Oh, yeah? I put a status on Facebook and Twitter that said the following. Some dirty bastard has shat all over the cut through path Across the road from school No way

A false flag Wow I spent the rest of the day He who shat it Post No he who posted it Um Shat it He who He who posted it um shut it he who i've got no he who uploaded it unloaded it

yeah it's good that's good we'll look at that yep i spent the rest of the day laughing to myself as fellow students commented under my post about how they came across it on the way home i mean that's actually yeah that is, that is smart. That is smart. He's like a serial killer. That is smart. Hiding in plain sight. Who would do such a thing, I replied to them with a smile on my face. Oh my gosh, wow.

Yes, who would ever do something like that? Well, even if he failed his geography exam, he picked up a much more useful skill. Lying. The skill of lying. Lies. He says he failed at the end. P.S. for the exam, you won't be surprised to know that I failed. Oh, well, at least I got a story to horrify people with instead.

Oh, he failed, oh no. It's a shame, it's a shame. It's a shame. Well, it's a shame, Paul, but at least you have learned how to avoid blame for things, and that's all you need to get to the point where you're actually running the country, Phil. Yeah.

Yeah, these days. All you need... I really... I want to, at some point, because that voice is so perfect, we've got to organise... I feel like we should all just pay Adam Buxton royalties for it, it's so perfect it's so perfect

it's a sort of drive time DJ satire public figure slightly charming, mostly tedious colourful shirt it's so good Buckles if you're listening, and I know you're not Slightly charming, mostly tedious, colorful shirt. It's so good. Buckles, if you're listening, and I know you're not,

I'll buy you an enormous Greek lunch. In exchange for it. In exchange for our renting of it. Because it's just so good oh I have some shit to plug oh plug away dear listeners I am doing how many

nights am I doing 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 nights at the Camden Fringe in the first week of August 3rd to the 7th of August at the Camden Fringe Camden Comedy Club come along and see it is not the 7th of August at the Camden Fringe, Camden Comedy Club. Come along and see. It is not the same show that was at Soho. It will be a new and worse show.

It'll still be good. Exciting. It'll be very new and COVID fresh. 3rd to 7th. 3rd to the 7th, Camden Fringe. I will try to come. Please. Please. And then I will try to come Please And then I will be

Dipping my toe Phil In what remains of the Edinburgh fringe Oh interesting You're going to Edinburgh Well for the 13th to the 19th I'll be at Monkey Barrel At I think 6pm But yeah Monkey Barrel in Edinburgh

For any Edinburgh listeners, fringe people that's where I'll be doing a few nights of whatever it is that I do now interesting we haven't even spoken about Freedom Day oh Freedom Day oh Freedom Day it was the same as every other day for me, I don't know about you

yeah, I didn't really notice much difference people were still wearing masks most private businesses have just gone well we'll just put up a sign saying we want masks then and they just have done that oh okay essentially it was just the government being able to tell backbenchers well we didn't ask them to private business can do what it wants. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, well. So that's some... I brought my second jab forward, which you can do, by the way, if you're youngish like me.

I did that too. When's your second one? It was going to be like mid-August, and I brought it up to the 29th of July. You're kidding. That's so soon. Yeah, next Thursday, baby. God're kidding. That's so soon. Yeah. Next Thursday, baby.

God damn it. I brought mine forward, but I could only get the 6th of August. There'll be pop-up places you can just go down. But I got Moderna and it's a bit niche. Oh, it is a bit niche. It is a bit niche. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. I'll just do it on the 6th. I'll just do it. When was your first and what gap will that be? I don't know Quite a long gap I'm obsessed with people's gaps right now It'll be 8 weeks the minimum.

Okay. Well, according to one of the vaccination scientists that I read, that is the sweet spot. Oh, great. Well, I mean, I also had it last year, so I'm getting tripled, if anything. Yeah, you're going to be very immune. I'm going to be more powerful than you people could possibly imagine um well get jabbed listeners or get your shots if you're american jab it up jab it up okay everyone keep gilling it keep gilling it everyone bye