BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 127 - Wang Special Special!

Episode Date: August 11, 2021

The boys chat Wang's special, evolution, and do some corresponding with Mike and his uni malt loaf and a patio disaster Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 127, an ungainly number. Very ungainly. It's 127 hours, isn't it? The James Franco movie where he gets his arm stuck in the boulder? That's right. That's right. And that's what listening to 127 hours of Budpod feels like. James Franco, he's trying to turn Budpod off, but his arm's trapped. His arm's trapped under his phone. One of his arms is trapped under his phone, so he can't use that one.

And the other arm is trapped signing off on a request for a series of nude auditions from young women. And he refuses to let that go either. That's based on a true story, right? The guy got his arm stuck. It is real. He pen knifed his fucking arm off or whatever. I mean, think about... Just imagine...

You know the panic that sets in when you realize something is stuck? Like not even something that major. When you have to get through a crawl space or like a narrow passage and you realize your body physically can't go any further. Just the panic that sets in. And then you release yourself. But imagine coming to the realization that sets in and then you release yourself you're like but imagine coming to the realization that you're never going to release yourself you have yeah you have to say goodbye to your arm you have to say it's time to say goodbye to mr arm um and just also that yeah

like not only are you trapped but you're like, he was in a crevasse. Like, you couldn't see him unless you looked directly into this crack in the earth. So he wasn't ever going to get rescued or seen from the air if he's just in this little crevasse. I feel shit enough when I leave my reusable Chili's bottle somewhere. If I leave it, I will go back across town to get it because I'm like, I can't, the whole point is that they're

reusable. I feel awful if I lost it. Imagine doing that with your arm. There's nothing more reusable than your arm. So reusable. So recyclable. I've never heard a good story from inside a crevasse

that ended well. Until today. Because, Pierre, I'm speaking to you from inside a crevasse, and it's full of golden sweets and beautiful crevasse women. Crevasseans? Ah, the crevasseans. The women of Crevasse are fine indeed that is absolutely a bunch of supermodels that the star trek makeup people have just put ridged foreheads on and a loincloth and like a single smudge of dirt across their belly

yeah yeah yeah exactly yeah. Yeah, absolutely. And maybe like a kind of one set of sort of slightly odd prosthetic thumbs. A long thumb. It's interesting, isn't it? Star Trek proposes the idea that all intelligent life is sort of inherently bipedal and roughly what a human looks like.

Yeah, there's something arrogant about that. It's it's like well if they were a successful species they'd be roughly like us wouldn't they yeah well have you seen that thing going around the internet about how um loads of animals just keep turning into crabs what do you mean there's a thing turning into crabs yeah like over you know millions of years of evolution there's a thing called carcinization, where crabs just kept evolving. Ew. So they're just like something about the crab, however it's defined.

I'm sure it's quite tediously defined. It's just a sort of a really good evolutionary... Right. So we're all really just on our way to crabs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eventually we're all going're all really just on our way to crabs yeah yeah yeah yeah we're eventually going to be dr zoidberg we're in the crab crevasse yeah zoidberg was the most advanced of all of them well you know you know there's there's um there's a thing i read a while back that all you know pretty much all animals on earth as different as they look do follow roughly the same structure yeah legs torso head roughly yeah all the same and and there are variations on those bits is maybe set of arms and legs you've got fins and a tail but still fins tail torso head it is all in the same arrangement right yeah and so it's actually

it's actually really hard for us to imagine an organism that doesn't follow that that basic premise i mean i guess the octopus is about as alien an animal as we have i was gonna say like that's why some of the deep sea creatures are so fucked up to us like jellyfish octopuses squids yeah because they're breaking all these rules or even like starfish where it's like your brain is a mouth anus and you have an arm brain what it's impossible to comprehend or like cuttlefish that's true yeah i mean yeah but those yeah those guys are prehistoric i mean those those animals have been around longer than pretty much anything else they're they're we're looking at the starting points we're the end point of of a starting point that started

the same time as them it changed a whole bunch they're still the starting point so they're still like draft one of life on Earth, right? Yeah, and them and then, what is it, crocodiles are like basically unchanged as well? Since the dinosaur age, I think, at least, yeah, crocodiles are changed. Sharks, I think, are very unchanged. Yeah, life used to be a lot spookier. Oh, horrible, terrifying. Ghoulish.

Until those friendly apes came along. Bloop-do-ba-do-boop-ba-ba-doop. With our cute smiles and our pot bellies. Bloop-a-doop-doop-doop-a-doop. Just going to the sharks. Why can't we just be silly? And then doing a handstand. Bloop-do-ba-do-ba-doop.

Eating bananas, the funniest fruit. Bloop-do-ba-do-ba-doop. That's right. It's already shaped like a dick, and once you've eaten it, you slip on it. It's the perfect comedy fruit. It's the perfect comedy fruit. It could only be perfect if it was somehow also boobs.

Yeah, that's the next challenge. How do we make bananas boobs? Watermelons, I guess, they try, because they kind of, you know, yeah they got a leg up in in the boobs domain yeah but they're not funny like bananas they're not funny like bananas they're too dangerous if one drops on you you die a banana's not dangerous yeah yeah and it's more throwable yeah um do you know what's funny about like apes you know like being the hairy friendly you know silly ones right what's funny is that like in terms of like ability like long-term ability to kill we're way scarier right that's true you could do quite a good horror movie where initially you think you're supposed to be afraid of the like slippery cold dead-eyed

tooth machines who are just like just kill everything they see and they're all ice cold and they live in the dark water and they have these dead eyes and you you think okay those are the villains for sure and there's like these funny apes like and then they just seem sort of like whatever the monkeys are being silly and then you don't see them for two weeks and suddenly they've got a bow. You go, oh my, what the fuck? And so, yeah, they disappeared into the woods and now they have projectile weaponry. And you think, okay, I've been looking in the wrong direction for threats. Oh, fuck.

Yeah, I mean, humans are the only animal that can kill every other animal. That's like Louis C.K. Bear, isn't it? We left the food chain. Yeah, yeah. No other animal has just left the food chain. We're just no longer subscribed. Yeah, it's like the Care Bears just suddenly building a catapult. It's like the Care Bears just suddenly building a catapult.

I was talking to a friend recently who, I mean, it's got to that point of pandemic life, semi-lockdown life, where I can't remember if something was in a conversation with a friend or something yes on the podcast yes or sometimes a dream or a dream dreams they take a shot but I have someone some evolution biologist or natural historian someone you know when asked the question when did society when did like civilization start when did human civilization truly begin when did we truly separate ourselves from the animals and you know was it language was it art was it shelter was it tools and this guy said i wish i could remember his name it was the moment we started being able to hit a target. Oh, interesting. We're the only animal that can throw something and hit a target with reasonable regularity. I mean, I feel like some of the primates can.

Yeah, I mean, I guess like, I don't know, spitting snakes or something? I'm trying to think. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I saw a, I don't know, spitting snakes or something. I'm trying to think. Mm-hmm. I saw a similar thing where it was, I can't remember her name, but it was some, like a female anthropology professor of some kind. And she said that it was, her personal favorite way was dating it to the earliest skeleton with a healed femur.

Okay. So this person had broken their leg but had been able to be cared for in such a way that the leg was able to heal and they could go on being a person interesting interesting because then you have a society stable enough to do that and people bring them fucking berries or whatever or tie their leg get some sticks or you know and like yeah they didn't just go well fuck you then enjoy dying yeah yeah we've got some sharks to intimidate exactly i suppose we're the we're the only animal capable of learning an entirely new thing and training it right so like other animals might be able to hit a target but it's because they're like the dart frog whereas we can just invent

darts even though we don't have them right yeah it's not part of our body we just go like well i can carve something that looks a bit like that and i'll throw it right back at that fucking frog right we can imagine something and then make it whether whereas every other animal even the smartest can't maybe this was something i heard as well you know can't can't imagine something having created it has to already exist in some form yeah even when you see like there's there's crazy uh pictures of like orangutans like jabbing uh sharp sticks at fish and stuff it's generally sharp sticks they've kind of found or or sort of

made sharp through dicking around with them or whatever. So they're like the closest. Yeah. Well, speaking about imagining things and creating something amazing out of it, today is the day my Netflix special comes out. It's true.

It's literally a special day. It's a special day for a special Wang and all of his special fangs. How does it feel Phil to be globally spread on Netflix, our new god?

Yeah, you cannot run from this special. You could get a new identity like grow a mustache and escape to south america and it'll still be available you will still you'll never be able to escape philly philly wang wang the netflix special philly philly wang wang you could be in the papa new guinea and the papa new guinea netflix would have it on yeah Papua New Philly Papua New Philly

they'll call it oh that was it I texted you speaking of like other funny names for the special a Japanese comedian called Momo who I met in Japan he's a really good guy really funny guy

he has pointed out to me on twitter that the on japanese netflix uh philly philly wang wang has a fun name which is phil wang super wangtastic the japanese can't name anything without super somewhere in it. Yeah. Super Mario, super wangtastic. It's got to be super. And it's fitting for this podcast that there's a weird Japanese name translation of your own special. Yes, exactly. You can get more Bud Pod than the Japanese. It's perfect.

What is it like? I'm really interested in the in the translation because what was it super super phil phil wang super wangtastic phil wangtastic super wangtastic i there must be well i guess they they probably already have a way of writing wang right just because they have they sometimes use the chinese alphabet don't they that's a very good point i wonder if i'm gonna have a look at the japanese characters now and no it does not appear it's completely phonetic so it's all in katakana and hiragana which are the two phonetic alphabets of japan so here's my here's my question is it phonetically wangtastic or is it phonetically like

whatever tastic is as a suffix in Japanese you know interesting I have a feeling it is phonetic like wang tastic or something like that

I have a feeling it's that I'd be really disappointed if it isn't. Especially considering one of the routines involves me doing a Japanese accent. Yeah, exactly. That's such a good routine, man. And it's going to be on Japanese TV. They're going to love it.

They're going to love it, I hope. Although they don't like the war being brought up, so it's anyone's guess yeah that that was um if if there'd ever been another series of uh faulty towers they would have had don't don't mention the war which is there would have been some japanese tourists instead of german tourists coming to faulty towers thatowers. That's right. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. With John Cleese, you know, trying to patiently ask questions

about what in those days would have been termed, Phil, Japanimation. Japanimation. Yeah. What do you mean? That's what Japanese cartoons were called in the 80s, apparently.

Japanimation? Japanimation. I mean, it's pretty good. It's pretty good. It makes sense mean it's pretty good It's pretty good It's the equivalent of Wangtastic I mean it's You could almost do one of those tweets

You know that genre of tweet who called it blank And not blank Who called it anime and not Japanimation I reckon I would get 500 retweets But it actually was the name Yeah it would get 500 retweets And 10, actually was the name. Yeah, it would get 500 retweets and 10,000 quote tweets from the sweatiest people in the world

saying I'm actually that would be an absolute red hot piece of bait. It really would. For a certain corner of the internet. It wouldn't melt the internet, but it would melt their internet.

Break their internet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. You would get a reaction of greater scorn than if you walked into a games workshop and asked if the Eldar were elves. I don't know. Are they?

I don't know the answer to that. Well, Phil. who even are the elder they're space elves that's what i think of them as that's what i think of them as anyway but i mean what is it have you have you had a look on your own television set that's a good question um i yeah i think i turned it on and i had a look for it and then like the preview started and i just turned it off and i couldn't i was like no i'm just too scared but um yeah tonight you and some of the friends are going to come around and

watch it with me which i'm really glad i'm really touched people have agreed to come, but I also feel like, is this a terrible idea? I want us all to watch it and then to take a photo, and it looks like the Situation Room when they killed Bin Laden. Yeah, all our expressions are that serious. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's an admiral there

there's an admiral hillary clinton is there looking absolutely on the edge of her seat and when yeah and then when when the when it finishes i'm like thank you good night you just go ladies and gentlemen ladies and gentlemen we got in with the whole press conference afterwards yeah that's right but when I was in New York I was hanging out

with American comedian friends and they're you know they were like so I had a viewing party when my special came out and I was like a viewing party

what's that oh we just invite our friends we all book out a bar and we hire we get our friends over and we all watch the and i was like that sounds like torture yeah gathering people around it's like it's i don't you know the composer schubert he he used to hold parties called schubertiads where he would invite his friends over and they would have to stand around the piano as he played his later songs to them and sang to them oh my god he'd call he had parties called shubertiads and you would come over and listen to schubert your friend schubert playing his new songs and this is it feels like the modern equivalent really i'm holding wow a shubertiad

i'm feeling holding a wangyard that's but it's it's also it's very american isn't it it is and i didn't want to do it but also then i imagined the the the alternative which was me sat alone on the sofa at home watching myself on netflix completely and i thought actually that is worse i think it's it's worse to yeah it's worse to sit and like try and great gatsby your own netflix special release i just i i just cheers it like leonardo dicaprio and that gif yeah yeah just cheersing the tv alone yeah and you you're just there on your own watching like the tweets and the numbers come in from around the world, like some kind of First World War general.

But it's only one person whose tweet I'm looking for. And she's married. What's her name? Oh, God. The Green Light Woman. Green Light Lady. Clara Clara or something Something like that Yeah Something

It's something like that Yeah that's true To be fair the viewing party Is probably An emotional support party Disguised as a Brash American event Thank you

That is precisely What it is So Everyone's in a bar Going woo And clapping each other On the back And whatever

Firing revolvers into the air but in reality it's just because of how insanely awkward it is to have your face all over the world yeah yeah i but it also is something i think americans will find much easier and i feel like it's something americans are probably probably they're probably aware they are the comedian friends aren't that into it or might even be a little bit annoyed they've got a special. But it doesn't matter.

The point is that they're there and for one night this person is being celebrated. I'm being celebrated. And my friends have to grin and bear it. I think an American personality can overcome that feeling. Whereas a Brit already feels I'm shit. I think I'm shit. I think what I personality can overcome that feeling. Whereas a Brit already feels, I'm shit.

I think I'm shit. I think what I've done is shit. I can't invite people over because then they'll also think it's shit. Yeah. And also like, well, I don't know. In my head, because it's American comedians, I think they probably rib each other as well. Yeah. Yeah. More than... Also just baseline they're more supportive than us yes oh yeah yeah yeah i think that's true more more out more explicitly

supportive more outwardly supportive they make more noise that's for sure yeah it's a lot more kind of emphatic or public yeah i think that's true whereas i think yeah in the uk people were sort of people will give you their support but it'll it only if they feel like they're in a position where they are able to exactly yeah i think i think in america everyone will give you their support whereas i think in the uk people are so worried about seeming like they're trying to climb up someone else's bum. Or being excessive or strange that they might refrain. It is preferable for a British person to fail miserably than to appear for a moment to be trying. I think that's also from our part of Britain's class system

As well definitely It's definitely a public school thing Any American listeners when we say public school We mean private school so I'll just say private school Yes Why don't you understand that it's very simple It's very simple the contradictory words are the same Except when they're not

Listen you bloody yank. It's very simple. The schools that are only available to select few and cost money are public schools. Okay? Yeah. What's so confusing about that? And those are only technically the first 13 that they were in the country. Yeah, not all the schools are allowed to be public schools.

Some of them are only private. Yeah, some of them are merely private and haven't yet made the step up to public. What is it about this deliberately designed to confuse outsiders system that you can't grasp? designed to confuse outsiders' system that you can't grasp. We've designed this complex system to keep people out and you don't seem able to get in. Yeah, I think it's definitely the disease that afflicts, well, basically the class of people

who are currently running the country, which is that there's nothing worse than trying. Oh, I mean, johnson embodies that attitude more than anyone yeah a man who's done his best to never visibly try to anything in his life aside from having um uh uh square brackets question mark close square brackets, number of kids. Yes, the one thing he's never... Oh, this is how little he tries. When people want children, they say, we're trying for a kid. He didn't even try. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They just were popping up around him like daisies God yeah but yeah I color is like you know daisies are white and they I guess dandelions would be kind of like fluff yeah maybe that's what happened like like Boris Johnson's hair grows and you blow on his head and it all just flies around yeah it's just that no one's tried it more johnsons grow

wherever those fucking petals land that's so funny shop with rackerton and you'll get it what What's it? It's the best deal. The highest cash back. The most savings on your shopping. So join Rakuten and start getting cash back at Sephora, Old Navy, Expedia, and other stores you love. You can even stack sales on top of cash back. Just start your shopping with Rakuten to save money at over 750 stores. Join for free at Rakuten.ca or get the Rakuten app.

That's R-A-K-U-T-E-N. Confident driving starts at Midas with top quality tires and expert services from our techs. Stop by Midas on Queenston Road today to buy three tires and get the fourth free. Plus, you can pay over time instead of all up front so you can embrace every season every climate and every road with confidence buy three tires get one free shop tires at midas.com um but yeah man i mean i can't imagine yeah it must be fucking weird just uh never mind obviously you know skip the preview because it would feel insane but just seeing your face on the on your own netflix screen it would feel like you've something you've done yourself like your guy i

made this as a yeah although it was a weird experience i got up this morning and I turned on Netflix to see where it was and it wasn't recommended to me. But I am Phil Wang. It couldn't be more suited to me. Either the algorithm has failed or it's so advanced it knows you've already seen it. Or yeah, it's so advanced it knows I'm a bit nervous about it and and and insecure and it's like we will give him a day we'll give him a day we know what he's like yeah from all the shows he's watched we we need a day yeah we've spied on him enough to know like it's an excellent like a level butler yeah it's so smart now um well for any well i mean for any bud pod listeners

i guess well i mean i wonder what questions they would have about what it was like to make it i mean did you see the edit did you see all the edits or did you leave it or how much of tonight will be a surprise um to me yeah um the very last step the sort of fine tuning the technical video and audio fine tuning I've not seen it since that has been done so when we watch it

tonight it'll be the crispest poppiest most vibrant I've seen it so I'm looking forward to that nice okay so it'll be more of a more of a, like a, more of a visual surprise. For those of you not in the biz,

and why aren't you? But anyway, when, when you, when you, when you make a, a show or anything filmed, you have to,

you have to, it sort of has color straight away, but it's kind of like a, a sort of dulled version. Yeah. And then you add the color, more color in later to make it pop and make it kind of sing and so i've only seen the dulled version so far yeah yeah and it was um

well it was a great it was a great gig at the palladium it was a fun time with with you of course opening things up telling people the goddamn rules i wonder if what happened to that very very drunk lady oh gosh yeah very drunk lady I wonder where she is now very drunk lady in the front row do you think she's going to watch the special and look out for her own chambling corpse

I think she was so drunk she's going to turn on this special and go what's this who's this guy I've never heard any of this before and the people who brought her will be tutting Why are these jokes making me Feel like nauseous

Why is this the sort of Pavlovian Response I'm having to these jokes When I want to throw up She's going to be like Jason Bourne Just watching it And sort of getting these flashbacks with a bit of echo put on them filly filly wang wang wang wang

just in a seat welcome to the show no no no sweating well yes so well that's essentially that's the pitch pod buds um philly philly wang wang is on netflix now um stick it on and give it the old thumb the old upwards thumb yeah give it a thumb up give it a thumb up Give it a thumb up and see what else it recommends to you.

See what else... Let's find out what happens when every pod bud gives it a thumbs up and the algorithm starts to go, if you like this, then you'll love blank. Let's find out what that is. Yeah. Is there one of those Netflix brand documentaries about poo and bullets? Then you'll love this documentary about the Japanese Joker

who shat himself to death in a tat shop to be fair that does sound like an I think you should leave sketch it does actually it sounds like a very intriguing premise yeah I'm in I'm in 14 part series two hour episodes and I think you should leave, Sketch. It does, actually. It sounds like a very intriguing premise. Yeah, I'm in. I'm in.

14-part series, two-hour episodes. You know what I've got, Pierre? I've got a really long eyebrow hair. It's so... I'm pulling at it right now. I'm sort of stroking it right now like a wise man's beard. It's like a single hair. It's so long. I had one of those once. I felt like a big man's beard it's like a single hair it's so long

I had one of those once I felt like a big cat yeah it feels like one of the my head hairs got lost or has been adopted and it's like mom why am I so much longer than the others it's like one of those little birds that infiltrates a nest

yes yes yes and the mom's like the mom's about to answer And the mum's like, the mum's about to answer and the dad's like, never you mind, you're an eyebrow hair and that's all there is to it. Papa, what's the head like? Don't talk about the head. If eyebrow hairs went to the head, well, there wouldn't even be any eyebrows.

We'd just be some more head hair. You must never go to the head, well, there wouldn't even be any eyebrows. We'd just be some more head hair. You must never go to the head, boy. The head'll eat you up like that. And does a snap like that. I was offered some eyebrow trimming today and I turned it down. At the barber's, mind you, not just in the road. Oh, really? What was it like as a matter of emergency? Were they like, sir, you need some eyebrow attention? It was just during some barbing. I went to get barbed

and I was getting barbed and the guy just sort of offered it. And I was like, sometimes I've said yes in the past, like when I had my big tall boy um but this time I thought you know what I'm okay um I had a funny I had a funny moment where I sat down in the chair and I went because as anyone who came to see me at Camden will will well may or may not know have thought but I was starting to look more and more like Robin Williams from Jumanji um so I went I sat in the chair and the guy was like what can i do for you or whatever and as i was trying to explain what to do with the beard bearing in mind he said this while wearing a mask and there's all safe there's still like dividers up and stuff but while he was wearing a mask he said to me you can take off your mask you know and i went oh okay and i i like

laughed and i took it off and he like you know when someone smiles behind a mask and it's very enigmatic right you just sort of see the eye their eyes go a little bit crinkly yes scrunched just a tiny bit yeah he did that i could see his eyes like smiling from behind the mask and he said we'll all we all have to take them off sometime. It sounds like he's trying to sell you something a lot more illegal than taking your mask off and a haircut. Yeah, or he's trying to be sort of very, like, very wise. Like, I would take off my little blue face mask and he'd go no no I meant the other mask you always

wear we have to take off our masks sometimes yeah exactly young one as tears silently roll down my face as he trims my hair yeah oh

and thank you to all the pod buds who came to the Camden Fringe above the pub joke fest apologies to any pod buds and there were a few of you who came on the Saturday night where not one Phil but two separate stag do's had booked without knowing what it was

two groups of six amazing crackers I don't understand i've never understood the mental process that goes this party is about me and my friends let's go sit in a room where we have to shut up and listen to someone else talk well the the key to fixing that problem phil is to make sure that you talk a lot. And when they talk, it's ideally about you. Or the groom or whatever. And yeah, one stag do. You had sort of two flavors of stag do, didn't you?

That's it, yeah. So one was very sort of clean cut. They looked like they were all called like Timmy and stuff from like a 50s doo-wop group. Like stripy neat shirts. shirts yeah slightly bouffant like have you noticed that the gen z the gen z they've started to get that kind of slightly 50s not like uh you know a greaser or elvis or something but just a little okay just a little bit jiminy jillikers okay so that were and they all very like clean shaven and shirts and and tucked into their jeans with belts and whatever very 50s in some ways all right okay but then the dress sounds

like city city guys yeah but not not like posh enough like in the same way that it used to be that if you saw someone in white canvas trousers and loafers you'd think posh rich like in the same way that it used to be that if you saw someone in white canvas trousers and loafers you'd think posh rich guy but now it's essex lad you know so that's part of that transformation it's interesting they were by far the most thuggish even though they looked the neatest by kind of conservative old-fashioned standards they were the very very annoying um were they then were they beefy boys were they bursting out their shirts they weren't particularly beefy they weren't they they they're i really mean that sort of 50s thing i think they were quite young there was only one of them that was any like sort of tall or

they they looked like characters from the background of a jughead comic only one of them was tall only one of them was like a big guy the rest were just like right they're quite young yeah they look like characters from from jughead or from from what's the other like very like 1950s american comic strip betty lou or something mary sue the archie universe archie ah yes thank you thank you thank you archie yeah they looked like Archie characters a bit. And then the other stag do was like a sort of acid folk rock band.

And they had like flowery shirts that were open like quite far down their chests, like jewelry, little mustaches, shoulder-length hair, most of them. Wow. The mamas and the papas turned up. Yeah, they looked like... Some of them may or may not have been in Nam,

but they've all converted to hippies slash opium smugglers now. Okay. Okay, yep, yep, yep. All except the groom, who just looked like a football hooligan, which made it weirder. That is weird. He just looked like a normal lad, and all which made it weirder. That is weird. He just looked like a normal lad and all his mates are these like, you know.

Sometimes you see a friendship group and you're like, how did this happen? Yeah, and they were better behaved. They were a bit rowdy and weird, but they were much better behaved. But it was funny, because I've tried this before and I'm sure you've had similar experiences.

You know, that's stand up after all. But I did try saying to one group of them, like, you know, it's just me for an hour, right? And they were like, oh, right. And the guy was like, oh, we thought it was like a normal comedy. And I was like, no, it's just me. It's just me. And I'm doing a show on the nature of enjoyment. For an hour.

Automatically consistent with a stag do, I would say. say yeah and it's not rowdy at all it's very sort of like musing um i think and i was like you know you like you can't just like go like if you really want to it was just a fiver so if you really want a refund i'm sure you can get one but even then and they were like no no we love comedy it's like you're not listening yeah you're not listening i'm trying to save you from the lines yeah yeah and it's like i know i'm gonna have to look at your bored faces in a bit and your boredom is either going to make you very very disruptive or very very sullen although one of the the the more hippie looking guys with long hair and a kind of colorful shirt and a mustache like quite a good mustache at point, this was the moment that really made me laugh.

At one point, I was saying something a bit, you know, you know, I was theorizing about something. You know, it wasn't funny. It was thinky stuff. And I looked over and he was really concentrating and nodding, which really made me laugh. Because I'd won over like one of the stag do he was probably having an lsd hallucination you realize yeah he was like

man this talking shoe is laying down some really interesting stuff about the nature of of enjoyment and what it means to be excited about things or whatever yeah it's funny i mean people people surprise you all the time you know yeah you you think they're going to react to what you have to say one way and and they go completely other from time to time it's rare but from time to time a stag do comes in and you're like oh for fuck's sake and they're an amazing audience and they're yeah really into it and they're like oh for fuck's sake and they're an amazing audience and they're really into it and they're really attentive I was hoping that it would be like

a stag who'd done it deliberately as some kind of insane I was like I don't know how this happened but I don't know the groom loves Bud Puddle I don't know but no they'd just seen comedy for five pounds and you know immediately vomited on the rest of the blurb and photo

God knows yeah but did they stay for the whole thing and immediately vomited on the rest of the blurb and photo. God knows. But did they stay for the whole thing? Oh, yeah. Did it completely derail the show? At points it did. I'd say the show lost about 15 minutes of material. That's annoying.

So apologies for any pod buds who came that night. But yeah, you saw a more raw saturday night version of stand-up you saw the you saw the circuit version of stand-up more than the solo show version of stand-up for good or for ill yeah well you've you've built those muscles up real good too it was it was good to flex them again in some ways, to be back in the arena. Yeah. Well, I mean, even during the filming of your special in the London Palladium, there was still a drunk girl who was babbling to herself. I mean, you can't escape it. It's like the price, the sinful price of laughter.

It's a Saturday night in Britain. Yeah. You can't get away from the hard facts of a Saturday night in Britain. Yeah. You can't get away from the hard facts of a Saturday night in Britain. There will be someone who needs to do that to themselves for that night. And you will be on the receiving end of it. And I don't know what... I don't know if... You know know every now and then someone will be like oh they don't do this and on the continent and you sort of think well what's wrong with us then that we do if if that's true i think it is true i think you know when you go traveling around you

realize just how much british alcoholic anti and anti-socialism is endemically British and unique and you just don't get it elsewhere. Yeah I mean the only places you hear about it being similar it's like the UK, Ireland and bits of America that are still very UK or Ireland. Yeah. And sometimes Canada as well. Oh really? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I guess it's just the... Anywhere where people are frequently descended from people from the UK and Ireland. Yeah, so maybe bits of Australia. Australia, New Zealand, yeah. Yeah, it must be. Yeah.

Maybe it's some kind of weird... I don't know. Something about these islands. These cursed islands. The island was cursed. It made him throw up into a kebab at four in the morning really specific curse do you want to read some correspondence maybe

some correspondence yes let me find some maybe if it's alright with you oh it's alright with you Oh It's nothing but Fine with me Correspondence

Correspondence In this economy That's one of my favourite things to say Is Correspondence Correspondence? In this economy? That's one of my favourite things to say Is in this economy In this economy Also very funny to say And shout out to James

Who is a friend of Glenn Moore's as well And maybe it was's as well. And maybe it was Glenn as well. He used to do this. But James used to always say, and in this, an Olympic year. Which is a very funny and annoying thing to add to stuff.

In an Olympic year? Even if it wasn't an Olympic year. Oh, no, it has to be. Oh, okay. It has to be an Olympic year. Yeah, I think that's fair enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can maybe do it for leap year as well in a leap year

yeah and in a leap year of all years needless yeah just needless needlessly specific objections that have no relevance lot of fun

yeah tuck in tuck in for goodness sake um so here we are okay so I'm going to read this out because the subject line is poo poo all over the patio

okay it's from Matt qualifies for our correspondence yeah it's from Matt. It qualifies for our correspondence. Yeah. It's from yet another Matt. Wow. Yeah. God, we... Matt Attack, more like.

We should have a segment called Matt Attack. That's right. Dear Phil Harmonic and Pianissimo. Nice. Nice. When I was convinced I was going to be a jazz singer professionally, I imagined

having a full big brand orchestra called Phil's Harmonic Orchestra. Oh, very good. Thank you. Well, if your Netflix special blows up big enough, one thing we've learned from British television is at a certain level of fame,

they'll let you do whatever you want. So, fingers crossed. That is true, that's true. That's what I do. Yeah, and they'll just go, this is happening now, he's allowed to do this now. And you can go mad with power. I want to perform the full American songbook

with a big band called Phil's Harmonic Orchestra on top of a live melting glacier in the North Pole. Yes. Yeah. To highlight global warming. Yeah. Yeah. And it's not just these hot tunes that are melting the ice ladies and gentlemen

from time to time you just see a trombonist slide off into the sea with a very funny like still playing occasionally a polar bear starved starved by his ruined ecosystem will just pounce on the drummer starved from the starved by his ruined ecosystem

will just pounce on the drummer just drag off a cellist yeah and I'm just there like once on a high end windy hill I think it would attract a lot of ratings yeah I think you get five stars in the Guardian Certainly

Oh yeah Oh yeah Surely For good or for ill So dear Phil Harmonic and Pierre Nissimo This is a short story that feels somewhat Tailor made for Budpod for myriad reasons But primarily that the subject matter

Is Poe And my friend in question is called Bud. No way! A person called Bud? Is this person American? Surely. Surely. If not American, then a British person whose parents were at one point

very cool. Or very high. Or very high. So I shall therefore entitle this story, he says, Budpoo, an homage to the infamous episode 9 Budpoo, where this podcast somewhat forged its niche. Yeah, it's very

well put. And then I quite like this, he then says I'll cut to the chase. Look. Look, I'll cut it'll i'll give it to you straight look look i'll get down to brush jibber jabber here it is it's just i i like it's funny to read that in an email that the person's in charge of so i'll cut to the chase Midday Sunday, I receive a text from Bud saying Ever seen your shit on a patio? Okay, here we go

Here we go This is not a question I'm familiar with And I assumed I had misread But as I am re-reading the message I receive a follow-up photo Which can only be described as A lake of shit in the middle of a patio Oof, a lake of the

stuff Wow A patio putio That's right Something with veranda Hmm Nope, nothing So, a lake of shit

in the middle of a patio. Why? I cry in voice noted response Bud replies jovially That's a couple of weeks of my shit Flowing onto my patio Laughing face It's a sewage problem But Bud, why?

Blockage, he replies He said it can just happen every now and then 95 pounds to fix, but my word is it a mess Yes He said it can just happen every now and then £95 to fix, but my word is it a mess Ugh Yes Not an exchange I'm used to responding to So I delve into the archives of generic questions And respond, did it smell?

Mm-hmm It's a fair question Yeah You fucking bet it did, he replied with vigour I had to chuck away my Nikes Because they got shit on them And they're just not the same anymore. Do you say Nike?

Have we had this fight before? Yeah, it should be Nikes, I guess. I say Nike. Because it's a Greek word. Nike is the correct Greek and also more American pronunciation. Right. Interesting. Thank you. Just wanted to clear that up.

I'm afraid I grew up saying Nikes like a little northern boy. Yeah. He has attached the shit lake photo to the email should you feel capable of stomaching it Koji Fellers Matt.

This is one of those moments where I'm glad you are the one who reads the emails it is a lake of shit it's such a lake of shit in a perfect square under a like they've taken up a tile and there's a perfect square of shit under it

like a kind of something hidden under a false flagstone in a Dungeons & Dragons trap. Interesting. I'm finding it hard to picture how it has presented. Has it risen up and risen over the planks on the patio? Or have they removed something?

So it's a stone patio. Oh, okay. So tiled. and it hasn't risen up no it's it's at first glance before i zoomed in it just looked like um the the kind of disturbed loose mud under where they've lifted up the tile and i have no idea how that can happen from a sewer outlet. It can make a poop tile, but it seemingly has. This is a poop tile. Poop tile dysfunction. Well, I'm glad it got it sorted out. Yes, well, apparently.

But thank God you captured it on film. Yes, for posterity. That's right. So... Ooh. A message from Michael. Michael. Oh, Mike, yeah.

Mike. Or is it Mikey? Oh, yeah. Mike. Or is it Mikey? Oh, Greek. I pronounce it Mikey, the original Greek. You're Mikeys, yeah. Mike says, greetings, ploppies. Ploppies. That's good.

And I recognize Mike's full name from Twitter. I won't say it it but thank you for your Your tweet interactions He says Despite being a huge fan of both of your Work, both of your work Both of yours works, both of your works Both of your work

I think both of your work I came shamefully late To your naughty, stinky party. Oh, hey. No judgment here. Yeah. You come to Bud Pod whenever you come to Bud Pod. Yes, like Jesus.

It's always open. Yes, exactly. So I have binge-podded, very nice, my way through around 90 episodes of filth to catch up. Incredible. And consider myself a fully qualified piss-torian. I also wanted to make sure that the scatological phenomenon I'm about to share had not already been covered by my contemporaries in the field.

So, to business. By which, of course, I mean... It's very funny to refer to other pod buds who send in shit stories as contemporaries in the field. My colleagues here. Yes. This paper would not have been published without the great assistance of Professor So-and-so. Very nice.

Make sure it had not already been covered by my contemporaries in the field, so to business. By which I mean of course, poo. My story is a classic poo bum it very good akin to the great new year's eve mystery of 2007 episode 63 oh gosh i don't remember that yeah um and though perhaps not quite as graphically repulsive, may provoke an interesting point of discussion. Mm-hmm.

One morning, following a standard night of university debauchery, I stumbled, fuzzy-headed and full-bladdered, to the bathroom. Lifting the lid of the toilet, I was confronted with a dookie, the size, shape, color, and girth of an entire malt loaf. Wow. Wow. Yeah. A malter. We've got a loaf. We've got a loafer in here. Ring the loaf bell.

Having never come across quite such a mammoth dump before, I did what any self-respecting student would do and sent a picture to the house group chat, expressing both my disgust and admiration. I don't think we had group chat yet when we were at uni, did we? No, we didn't. We were texting each other one-on-one like apes. Like primates! I still remember to this day the first

email I sent on my phone and I was like, oh my god. I know who I sent it to. I remember where I was stood and I could not believe it worked. It's amazing. I remember my first ripped mp3 file that was sent to me over

msnmessenger. of my first ripped mp3 file that was sent to me over msn messenger this is like the equivalent of finding a red hand print in a cave they did have art they did express themselves

ladies and gentlemen of the Academy, I present to you timeslikethesfoofighters.wav So, he sent it to the group chat and expressed his disgust and admiration. A house meeting was called. Accusations flew And proceedings quickly descended

Into a Kangapoo court Very nice A Kangapoo Which resulted in one female housemate We'll call her Izzy because that is her name Copping the blame Oh Izzy It was Izzy

The Salem Witch Trials Surprise reveal Izzy is not a name I would normally give To someone capable of a malt loaf sized dump Yes but this podcast Has shown us and the listeners That sometimes it's a middle aged female Doctor who needs a poop knife

For her fat logs Yep I feel like there's female doctor who needs a poop knife for her fat logs. Yeah. I feel like there's an adage or something from small, some big things come from small things, some version of that. What am I trying to think of? Never judge a poop by its cover, I don't know.

Her continuing protests fell on deaf ears and she was duly shunned for the rest of the day. Yet the problem of clearing the hefty butt mud remained. Butt mud. Very good. In scenes resembling the Council of Elrond, I and my close friend Tom agreed to take on the poopy quest.

And my axe. You have my axe. Oh, I was going to... You beat me to it. And my poop knife. Oh, actually, I've predicted so. After around 40 minutes of deliberation, we realised that no amount of flushing, plunging,

or poking with a toilet brush would dislodge the brown bastard. It was decided that there was only one course of action, to slice up the poo. Wow, this is... would dislodge the brown bastard. It was decided that there was only one course of action, to slice up the poo. Wow, this is... It's such a revelation how common this is. This is like King Solomon. Yeah.

He's going to cut the poo in half, and someone's going to go, no, no, no, I did it, I did it. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. So, he says, a butter knife was retrieved from the kitchen to this day i have yet to come across anything quite as funny as the sight of a grown man reaching into a toilet bowl to dissect an enormous slab of turd it is an image that shall remain with me to my final days, and at the time rendered me paralytic with laughter on the bathroom floor.

Like dissecting a frog, like he's a surgeon. Or just slicing bread. Yeah, because it's like a malt love, isn't it? Of course. This is very funny. The operation was a great success. The incision was made And the previously unyielding arse biscuit Was finally defeated Great

Hands were washed and then shaken Cigars handed around Yeah Yeah And Tom and I retired Feeling mightily pleased with ourselves cigars handed around. Yeah. And Tom and I retired feeling mightily pleased with ourselves. The butter knife was disposed of or put in the dishwasher,

I can't remember, truth be told, and the incident was chalked up, no, the episode was chalked up to being a bizarre one-off incident. A full three years later, a message appeared in the old house chat with a link to an article that shocked us to our very core.

The headline. Man surprised to learn his family's poop knife not normal. Wow. Yeah. A cursory glance at the article leads you to the original Reddit post in which the OP describes his shock at learning that a routine activity, chopping up his plops with a designated knife, is not a common household occurrence. Fortunately, this poor wretch has found solidarity in the rankest corners of the internet,

but I would posit that this is surely the ultimate most normal weird thing or weirdest normal thing, depending on your position. As Grandmasters of the Brown Arts, your wisdom and guidance would be greatly appreciated. And perhaps there are other pod buds for whom this phenomenon is slightly less mind-bending koji mike excellent excellent email mike really great work some brilliant writing

there really nice and a story that is becoming more and more normal i mean i feel bad for this guy in the reddit post because yeah i think our podcast has revealed that it kind of is a normal a normal household thing more normal than you would have thought i mean by the time we've we've reached this email we've already covered two separate poop knifers yeah so this is the third and including the red guy fourth poop knife the third fine king yeah Yeah. Poop knife... Poop knife... Poop knife the merciful.

Poop knife the considerate. Yeah. He says the Reddit poster has now set up a website selling $20 poo knives for the, quote, samurai of the poo-poo platter. So it does exist. We've said before that this is a gap in the market.

Yeah. Gosh. And it has a quote from him saying, I was 22 years old when I learned that not every family has a poop knife. Oh, my gosh. Well, we were talking just a few minutes ago about the human ability to imagine something and then manifest

it and we imagined it on Budpod and lord he has provided it exists those damn dirty apes won't be at our level till they start chopping up their shits disgusting apes not chopping up their

feces. It says the image on the website, Phil, I'm looking at now, says original poop knife. It's a real thing. Still very defensive, this guy. Still very defensive about the use of this product. So would you like to hear the blurb?

Yeah. Do you, your friends, or your family poop big? It's quite Trumpian vocabulary and grammar there, isn't it? I poop big. Do you poop big? I poop big.

Are you pooping big? We love the people who poop big we love them he poops so big, it's beautiful he poops the biggest do you, your friends or your family poop big? do those logs sometimes need a little help going down? endlessly spinning poops

will mock you from the toilet vortex no more no more. Wow. No more mocks. No more mocking. No more mocking. And the bullet points are little poo emojis. Okay, fair enough. So, first point in favour, be a samurai of the poo-poo platter.

Wow. This guy is really committed. i'm so impressed yeah ridiculous gag gift for friends and family or daily necessity you decide yeah that's um that's very smart marketing he's covering all his bases yeah yeah yeah yeah he's like the guy who's like no i was joking was joking. Unless you, you know. Unless you want to come over and cut up my shit with a knife. Metal reinforced silicon, strong hygienic, easy to clean and dishwasher safe if you dare. So you're okay, practical. Next turd bullet point.

This will cut poop. I feel like that should be the first. Yeah. Tested on the most ferocious of bog crocodiles without a fight. Wow. Good lord. And it goes on. And the final bullet point in its favour is hilarious packaging.

What is the packaging? Did they show it? Yes, it is... It just sort of says, poop knife, it's a real thing. And there's a kind of turd emoji with a very frightened face that is hilarious as if to say oh no I'm being well I'm being knifed

that is funny thank you for that Mike and uh maybe someday some sponsorship deals from poop knife guy hey if we can that's right once beer 52 have enough of us it's on to poop knife guy hey if we can that's right that would be good once beer 52 have enough of us it's on to poop knife yeah that's it yeah yeah it's a real thing well um i'm gonna put this

shit together and get it out like a big uh uncuttable no i'm gonna cut this poop this is an audio poop i will cut with editing software. That is my poop knife, Phil, so I can... Yes. Send it to... Put it back together in a more pleasurable shape. Yeah, for the listeners. Pleasure. Pleasure.

Pleasure, for their pleasure. Before tonight, I will see you in a few hours for the pleasure of viewing the special. Yes, and that's once more PodBuds. a few hours for the pleasure of viewing the special. Yes. Once more, PodBuds, my stand-up show is on Netflix now, if you want to watch, so go for it. Yes, and

I will be at the Edinburgh Fringe, 13th to the 19th, very soon. It's a really good show. I saw it in Camden Fringe. I laughed a lot. It's going to be good. Okay saw it. Monkey Barrel. In the Camden Fringe. I laughed a lot. It's going to, yeah. It's going to be good. Okay. All right.

Cheers, guys. Bye. Bye.