BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 13 - Unlucky 13!

Episode Date: May 22, 2019

Unlucky 13! Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie talk about our bad luck, getting milkshaked (THAT REALLY HURT, ACTUALLY), Phil had a shocking encounter on the tube with a dog lover, the spread of bin bags and keep jackin’ it, a university OK THANK YOU, another email from the SLOW POOER, visit Malaysia, Marjorie leaves another message, Rock N Roll Dark Web, Pierre finds a metal straw soulmate,  The artists we recommend are: “Ikhlas” by Fauxe and “Hide And Hair” by The Trials Of Cato! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

That was funny. Yeah, okay, well... Hello! This is episode 13 of Budpod. The unlucky episode. Well, put a black cat's lucky paw on your best mirrored ladder. It's time for some bad luck, everyone. Have you had a bad luck week, Pierre?

Or is bad luck coming? I think I've had my bad luck what happened I lost my lovely headphones oh no they disappeared

oh yeah this is on your trip back from gigging in Wales in Cardiff Cardiff yeah in Cardiff where the people were very Welsh

yeah they're pretty Welsh in Cardiff I even heard some Welsh speaking which is more unusual down south it is very rare down south. Wait.

Yeah. Yeah. It's a northern thing, isn't it? Oh, there's both. There's both. But, like, it's certainly... I don't think it's a city thing. I don't know.

But, yeah, it's always amazing to try and focus your ear on some Welsh. Yeah. Some audible Welsh. It's an audible Welsh. It's quite a disconcerting feeling in the UK because a non-English language spoken by a British person is very rare. Yes. And so suddenly it feels like you've been cursed. Now the tongues of men are unintelligible to you, kind of thing.

Like a sort of Tower of Babel. You may no longer comprehend the language around you. Yeah. Yeah, it's like, did I hit my head? And everyone else around you is going, Ascari, kara, kara, ascari, ascari. Being cursed at the bus stop. Ascari, ascari.

But also so rare, not just for a British person to speak a non-English language, but to speak it totally fluently to another British person. To the point where they're both just standing there going, oh yeah, just in a different language, having what you can see is a normal chat. With no commonly identifiable root words like any Latin or Greek words. Yeah, just every now and then, oh, da-da-da-da-da-da-da, computer. And you go, oh!

Oh, this language is too old. They didn't have computers. And they have not updated it for the modern world. It is full of ancient wisdoms. Yeah, I don't know. So maybe that's what happened to your headphones. Maybe they were cursed off you by... Merlin has them.

By a Cardiffian warlock. Yes. What do you call someone from Cardiff? I don't know, actually. Cardish? Cardiffian? A card, a real card. A card. I'm not sure, yeah.

I'm sorry you've lost your headphones. They were nice boys as well, those headphones. Buying nice headphones is such a... You will never relax for the rest of your life. It's a Faustian point. It really is. I made a deal with the devil for crystal clear hearing, but at any point I could be down 200 pounds.

That's like nice headphones are the designer sunglasses of the year. Yes, absolutely. My week has been not too unlucky. So I'm worried that my bad luck is going to happen in the coming week and that I'm going to get milkshaked. Oh, no. Because you're running as a... I'm worried I'm going to get milkshaked. How funny would it be if you were running as like a Brexit MEP for the London area? That would be so funny. What a right turn.

Oh, it'd be a right turn, yeah. What a right turn for old Wang. It would be so odd. It would be such an odd, like it wouldn't... I'd get a lot of publicity for a couple of weeks and then my career would be over. Yeah, there's a real chance of that. Because I'd become that guy. And you haven't laid the groundwork to successfully become one of the

quote, only right-wing comedians, end quote. Yeah, it would come out of nowhere. It would look very, very cynical. Yeah. It would look cynical or there's something quite upsetting about sudden changes in behaviour

because it implies that you've actually been like this the whole time, if you're being honest. So either it's cynical or if it's sincere, this is just boiled over. Like you've been trying desperately to suppress your Brexit party-ness for so long that it's exploded and now here you are with a big rosette on your chest.

I guess I'm worried that milkshaking is going to extend to even people who are not on the far right. Just everyone. Yeah, I'm just worried I'm going to get milkshaked. Yeah, I mean... I think this is going to become one of society's leading anxieties. A prank war. Yeah, just... yeah.

Did you ever have a prank war at your school that got out of hand? None that I took part in. I don't like pranks. I find pranks really stupid. Pranks are, by and large Very bad There are very few good pranks Some are very funny But they need to be so Carefully thought out

And contextually interesting Did you have any good ones? We didn't have good ones I remember sack tapping Got out of hand Oh sack tapping Yeah I got sack tapped once. A few times, actually.

Absolutely horrible. Yeah, really horrible. If you don't know, listener, it's when someone taps your sack. Yeah, your ball sack there. It's like a light backhanded tap when you're nuts. And it got so out of control at school that people were walking around with books

on top of their dicks. But the skill of it is to tap the sack lightly enough so the initial contact doesn't really feel of anything. It feels like nothing. And then it calms around. Yeah, the nausea. Yeah, it goes up into your stomach and you get this weird stomach

ache. Yeah, it's awful. It's such a unique pain being hit in the balls. It's like it's like the it's like the pain version of when you do a shot of whiskey right there's an initial like ah and then a slow warming oh oh actually that wasn't as bad as i thought oh no and then but then you feel the warm the whiskey you can feel it spread in your stomach right yeah right right yeah that warmth imagine that it's pain and instead of your mouth, it was your sack.

That's how I'd describe it. Anyone listening without a sack? Yeah. Would you milkshake anyone? I think I would milkshake someone. I think every human, Phil, deep in their soul, has a milkshake threshold.

Oh, we've probably explained milkshaking to people who are not in the UK. You're correct, though. Let me just shut the window because I can imagine there's going to be a little traffic soon. Okay, so for anyone, we have a couple

American listeners, which is very glamorous. So, to explain to you, there's been a phenomenon in the UK recently of people expressing their distaste for the right members of a political firmament by randomly throwing milkshakes at them in the street. On them.

At them and then on them if they're successful. I think it's important to be clear that thus far milkshaking has not involved throwing the container. Ah, okay, okay. It's been a pouring liquid action. So as to minimize any actual damage. Physical trauma. Yeah, which is one of the reasons why I'm more relaxed about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because like having a... It is just pure humiliation, isn't it? Totally. That's why it's like it's more annoying, right? Because you can't be like, like if someone throws an egg at

you, you'd be like, that really hurt actually. Like when you're a kid and someone complains. hurt actually when you're a kid and someone complains yeah sure no that no that really hurt

it was quite hard actually that's the most every annoying adult says says that that way no that really

hurt yeah yeah yeah oh just hearing that makes me want to scream that person is a very annoying person that where the

snowball had too much ice in it yeah yeah don't say that really and just go, oh, fuck! Say that like a normal person. Don't go, oh, that really hurt. That really hurt, actually. What are you, a prefect? Ridiculous. Just go,

fuck, oh! You know. Also, like, yeah, so exactly, to avoid that really hurt, where it's like an egg, if it hits you in the eye, that could have gone in my eye! That's the next thing they say. That really hurt, actually, could To avoid that really hurt. Where it's like an egg, if it hits you in the eye. That could have gone in my eye, that's the next thing they say. That really hurt, actually. It could have gone in my eye. Always say those two things in a row.

Instead of that, they just go, I'm covered in a dessert. Yeah. And that's so... I'm going to have to wash this. Yeah, and you go, yeah, well, you were going to have to wash it anyway. And now you have to stop leafleting for your fucking fascist party or whatever it is, Tommy Robinson. It is a good protest because it is very humiliating

but so far down the violence spectrum from what the victims are campaigning for or how the victims operate. I've read a good article which I tweeted which is someone defending it, because they were pointing out that Ed Miliband got egged. And just laughed it off, made a joke

about it. Arnold Schwarzenegger got egged when he was campaigning. Well, back in the day for California. Back in the day, he got egged. You know what he said? Protein. Oh, that would have been good. That would have been good Listener send in your best Arnold Schwarzenegger being egged themed comeback

Protein's a good one What he actually said was That guy owes me some bacon Oh yeah That's great That's very good But the article is making the point that These instances of humiliation

Give us a chance to see who these people really are Yes Whereas when Tommy Robinson had some A little bit of milk on his haircut he immediately punched a woman in the face or tried to kill that guy and his friend punched the woman in the face and knocked her out.

Immediate angry violence. It's almost like he's a convicted football hooligan and mortgage fraudster. How strange. When I was in Australia, did you guys get the story about Fraser Anning, the senator there, who got egged by a boy? Egg boy? Yeah, egg boy. Egg boy got here?

Oh, egg boy was a global smash. At least for people who spend too much time on Twitter, like I do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, the way that Fraser Anning just turned after getting hit, like, how quickly he got violent. Yeah. He just turned around and just swung. Without even taking a second to comprehend the situation

yeah and you go oh right that's what that person is like when that person is pure rage you get this flash of honesty that's it yeah

maybe we should everyone it's like a ritual now at some point you'll be milkshaked and in that moment your truth will come out

but it won't work anymore because people know it's coming so everyone they'll be like milkshaking coaches you know politicians will take milkshake training of how to behave when they get milkshaked

they'll just be like will it be like in the matrix where where Ed Miliband is in this kind of infinite white space and and

Morpheus is just sloshing desserts yeah yeah yeah all those racks all these racks of milkshakes And Morpheus is just sloshing desserts on him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All these racks of milkshakes. Yeah, and he's got to come up with as many sort of dairy. At least it's not a bacon sandwich. Everyone's like, yeah, that's funny.

Yeah, maybe. So now you're worried that... But then you might get milkshake, but then you'll react and we'll meet the real Phil. I don't want people to know the real Phil. You immediately take out a knife in their eye. I want people to know just how violent I am. Well, you're a black belt in a martial art.

Yeah. Which is a fact that you don't tell people, but I tell people. Well, I gained it through some measure of nepotism. Yeah. I knew the um the instructor yeah my uncle so I don't know if I completely earned that black belt and I do not want to be tested on it well you just sat there eating eating lollies and they were like oh that's

the way he's eating the lolly though you're up to brown belt brown belts high up isn't it brown belts right below black yeah that's right yeah yeah but i mean there were loads of brown belts who are so much better than me yeah could you the other though these old guys really took it seriously and didn't want the black belt so they'd really nailed it whereas i was like yeah i'm going to the uk soon can i get this go back well i just have a black belt so i can freak out the natives yeah that's good but that's isn't that always the case where like, there's that type of person who's like the guy

in the fantasy movies. I will only call myself a knight when I have defeated every great warrior in the land. Yeah. You go, man, it's a lie. I'm like the worm, Joffrey woman.

Yeah, no, I want it now. Uncle, give me my black bear. You'd make a great, like, spoiled king. Yeah? Yeah, well, because it's so not how you behave in the day, if you see what I mean. If you ask some people, that is exactly who I am. Like, Fern Brady is obsessed with the idea that I am a horrible, rich prince.

Really? She calls me the Malaysian prince. Shout out to Fern Brady for bringing that to the podcast. And in general, hello, Fern. That's so funny. Yeah. Yeah. But also Fern overreacts just how much of an orc she is.

I remember that she once, I don't know if it was on stage or if it was just after a gig, but she referred to, she tried to like, she referred to like my ancestors as being really fancy yours yeah yeah but they're just like farmers and soldiers who moved to africa from italy and france uh-huh like they're not fancy uh but because they're from france and italy okay she's like oh but she's like oh they're so fancy like all these oh italian you know you know not every italian is like the Pope or something, right?

Like not every Italian is Leonardo da Vinci. I think that's... Your ancestors could have all been just fucking Berlusconis. Yeah. Gross, horrible troll men. Yeah. Without even the money. She's doing that very British thing of mistaking any diversity in your background for being fancy

because in Britain it's fancy to not just be from the same village for a thousand years and I think she's said in the past that she's like as far as she's aware she's just like that just a straight like every ancestor from within 10 miles

of the well when I first moved to the UK and I told people I was from Malaysia, they'd say like, oh, wow, Malaysia. Just from the sound of it. You've never, you don't know what I'm talking about.

That's like no other country has a shit part. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every other country is the best bits we've seen extrapolated well we've we've often enjoyed the the adverts for going to malaysia where it's just um it's sort of uh malaysian looking guys in sort of formal east asian dress like traditional dress swirling big

tablecloths over like uh tables that are then like covered in just bowls of loose spice as if that's how you spice your food like you just slap it on top of cooked unspiced food and just like that whole tourism campaign yeah Malaysia

ooh like there are no slums or whatever yeah so I'm worried I'm going to get milkshake I think you're going to get milkshake now for something I've said on this podcast, maybe. You've made fun of people's love of Malaysia. English people go, It's full of the magic of the Orient for me.

And they'll be like, Throw a big milkshake on you. Nigel Farage got milkshaked yesterday. I don't feel too bad about him getting milkshaked. As long as I don't throw the container. Yes. That really hurt. That really hurt.

The corner got me there. That really hurt. The rim of the base could have got me in the eye. I'm a pilot. I'm a pilot. That really hurt. I'm a pilot. I'm not supposed to fly my plane now.

I'm not supposed to drink this milkshake now. I'm not supposed to fly my plane now. I'm not supposed to drink this milkshake now. Visit a land of surprises. Visit a land of unknown treasures. Visit a land of new sights and new sounds and smells. Visit foreign. Go somewhere foreign. Come here.

Look how foreign this place is. The food is different. The people smile. And the spices are bright and red. Come. You won't understand what people are saying, but they're all being nice. Don't worry. They're saying, oh, look, People are saying, but they're all being nice, don't worry. They're saying, oh, look, their hair looks good, and they look like they have a rewarding profession back home. I'm glad they have visited us here in foreign. Many great deals are available to travel to foreign.

Get on a bike and cycle to foreign. Get on a plane and fly to foreign. You will not be disappointed when you discover the mysteries of abroad. 900 pounds. Something pretty shocking happened to me the other... Well, it didn't happen to me. It happened around me. Shocking? Yeah, it was quite shocking, I suppose.

I was... It was Friday night. I had two gigs in London. First one was in King's Cross. Second was in Shepherd's Bush. I got on the tube from King's Cross after doing the first one. That's quite an easy double. Very nice.

Just on the Hammersmith and City line. Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug yeah when we got to edgeware road uh oh well sorry before this i i'm bumped into someone from university on the tube yeah on the tube and so we're like oh hey so we just all sat together and just caught up and blah blah blah yeah and we got to edgeware road and as we're chatting uh we hear hear a guy at the end of the carriage start speaking out loud which happens a lot homeless people they do a speech or they make an appeal

at the end of the carriage and then walk through to collect money from anyone who wants to give them any money and so I was chatting to this uni pal and at the end of the carriage, this guy starts and ladies and gentlemen, uh,

look, I know this is really embarrassing and everyone just kind of drops their shoulders in that way. They go, here we go. And the guy continues. I know this is really embarrassing, but I fucked a dog.

What? I fucked a dog. I, when I was a child, I fucked a dog what? I fucked a dog when I was a child I fucked a dog and everyone just goes that is embarrassing well everyone's just like if you can just feel, I didn't know you could

hear people's eyebrows go up but and he's furious and I look over and he's a really tall lanky guy Very droopy Clothes Everything's dirty and hanging off him And he goes, I fucked a dog

When I was young I fucked a dog And now look at me But I didn't come I didn't come And the dog didn't come in me I fucked the dog. And he just starts running down the carriage past everyone.

I fucked a dog. And everyone's like, look, doesn't know where to look. Everyone's like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Everyone's just looking around, trying to look at the floor. And he's like, I fucked a dog, but it didn't come. It didn't come. And he runs up down to the end of the carriage. And he's just looking at these final few people at the end of the carriage.

And I've never seen people look at the floor so hard. Oh, my God. But he's just hovering over them. I fucked a dog, but it didn't come in me. It came on the tree. It came on a tree. And he takes a couple of beats. And everyone's just like, oh, my God.

And there's like two seconds of silence. And he goes, so if anyone has any money... And I'm like, holy shit! And he starts like... You're hired. And like the human in me is thinking, that is fucking horrible.

But the performer in me is thinking, yeah, you gotta have an edge you gotta you gotta find a way of standing out from a saturated market these days phil you've got to have an edge you gotta have a thing usp unique selling point and i i started thinking about like the other really really just immediately went into the Do you have any money? Yeah, pretty much Jesus Christ Help a guy out Christ I fucked a dog So if you have any

It didn't come On me It didn't come So it wasn't so bad But And I just started thinking about like Did the other like Homeless people talk about this guy?

Like Whoa, have you heard what George has been doing? I mean it's out there It's If you ask me it's just not proper Proper begging It's this new alternative begging You've heard about

Yeah the alternative to begging I was like wow that is intense Astonishing And you don't get that really in London That's like New York subway Yeah yeah You very rarely get

crazy in London. Yeah. You just get begging. Yeah. And even then less than, say, New York. Absolutely. I mean, New York, if you go on the New York subway after like 10pm, that guy is every person. Pretty much. The New York subway

after 10pm, or even in the day, in my limited experience, is like a haunted carnival. Oh, it's absolutely ghastly. I've never seen a western city with so many people eating out of bins. Or so many people who should be in a psychiatric ward. Oh, they should have got them in a big dog-catching net, like a fucking cartoon. Like these people need to be in a building being examined and medicated, not fucking wandering about screaming about dogs.

But that guy went straight back to lucidity, right? Like it was still to ask for money. He returned to some amount of lucidity, but not enough lucidity to go, oh, sorry about that. That would have been so much creepier, though, right? If he'd immediately straightened his tie and been like, oh, good gracious.

Oh, sorry, I don't know what came over me. Mondays, right? I mean, it was Friday. I guess the dog came over me. Or was it the tree? The dog came on the tree. Well, I mean, there's a lot of... That's the detail that made me think

his story is real. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No one would think to make that up, I think. Yeah, I mean, I don't think we actually disbelieve the story.

What is the link between homelessness and childhood sexual experiments of the dog? That's a study that has yet to be written. What an insane thing. Yeah.

And so, it was intense. And so, and then, so the next day I got to in Shepherd's Bush, I told the story and everyone was like, whoa. And,

um, seemed to enjoy it. It's a mad story. And in the context of a standup gig, it worked. And then the next day I told it, um, at the dinner table at my friend's gig, it worked. And then the next day I told it at the dinner table at my friend's wedding and it didn't work as well.

That is one of the... That's a great danger of doing stand-up is you start to lose... You lose any concept of... Anyway, to the bride! Yeah. Yeah, it really didn't go down as well as I thought it would at the wedding.

Coming out. Here we go Letters, tweets, text messages Emails, tweets Letters, tweets Letters, tweets Text messages Emails, tweets Messages Coming in

Correspondence emails tweets messages coming in correspondence we've been getting some stuff through from you fuckers thank you for that it's a bit harsh yeah it's nice

affectionate don't be one of those people Phil don't be offended oh yeah that's pretty good yeah that really hurt

actually that really hurt actually thank you very much and be offended. Oh yeah, that's pretty good, yeah. But really hurt, actually. That really hurt, actually. Thank you very much from Charlie K, to Charlie K, rather, who just said, she says, me bringing bin bags into the mainstream.

She sent me a screenshot of some texts to her friend. Oh, this is your word, bin bags. Yeah. Something that is bad. Yeah, I've started, I think, I've started saying it

in my mind about things. No, that's a bit bin bags. But you came up, is it from anywhere? As far as I know, I came up with it. Okay. I don't think it's from anywhere.

I bet, like, with all the great inventions, there's someone in Croatia who's also come up with it just at the same time. And he's, like, he's going to be really, like, rediscovered in a hundred years. There's this unappreciated, he's like, he's going to be really like rediscovered

in a hundred years. There's this unappreciated, yeah, yeah, there's going to be a whole social justice campaign. Yeah, there'll be some really annoying Twitter thread like, you might think

that Pianovelli came out with the bin bags. Well, sit your ass down and listen to this. Well, strap in for the knowledge dildo is going to fuck your eye holes out

and sassy bitch emoji. Boodly doodly. People are the worst. Anyway. It's gross. So. So. I started saying it to replace poop pants.

Okay. Because I kept saying. Because you're growing up. You're maturing at last. I'm growing up. And I can't keep saying that Justice League was poop pants. I'm now saying it was bin bags. I'm just going, oh, that's absolute bin bags.

And the idea that it's not even rubbish, it's like the container, I don't know. It's fun to say, it's the alliteration. Yeah, and it's also the plurality of it. Bin bags. Yeah. And not saying some bin bags, that it's conceptually bin bags.

It is bin bags, yeah. So the text is, she says, she says, I have a new favorite thing to say from Bud Pod. It's bin bags. It is bin bags, yeah. So the text is, she says, she says, I have a new favourite thing to say from Bud Pod. It's bin bags. Her friend says, what? And she says, like, oh, I had a bin bags day. Oh, this is a tech conversation. Yeah, yeah.

And her friend goes, oh, as in, like, that was bin bags. Like, that film was bin bags. And then her friend goes, the current season of Game of Thrones is bin bags. Yeah. And she goes, yes, very bin bags. Right. So that's Charlie K's opinion on

Gott. Gott. On Otter. I don't mind Game of Thrones Series 8. I think I'm just relieved that it's ending. I'm just so relieved to have one less thing to keep track of. I was about to say one less job. Yeah. That's the thing. It feels like finishing school.

And I got the same feeling as at the end of the school people like sad like, oh no, my friends are going. It's like finishing school. And I got the same feeling as at the end of school, people were sad, like, oh no, my friends are going. It's like, and I was just there going, school's finished. This is better than any friendship you will ever make.

Freedom. Yeah, what was wrong with you? I'm going to miss everyone in prison. Yeah, that's what it felt like. You're free, you son of a bitch. This doesn't matter at all in comparison to being free. That's so funny. To have finished the most oppressed period of your life.

Where you're almost in the army. It's as close to military life as you're going to get. And you're sad. You have to wear a tie. You're a child in a tie. It's perverse! It's weird. Yeah, Game of Thrones, I'm relieved that it's over.

Don't worry, no spoilers if you've not seen it. I get very annoyed about the old spoiler thing as well. So don't worry about that. It's like, I can't wait to not have to worry about these fucking people. If you want to shock yourself, Phil and the listener, go and find a picture of Tyrion Lannister from season, like, one. Uh-huh. That guy looks 40 years younger than he is now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. His face, right now, be craggy. Yeah, he's abominable. Crag face, like you wouldn't believe. He's like an ancient... His face is as craggly and wrinkly as the face of any South American coffee seller on the wall of a Starbucks.

Wow, that's craggly. Exactly. Okay, so people have been saying bin bags Which is great People have started to say bin bags And that's very pleasing So we also got a lot of emails in general I've now had work emails That signed off Keep Jack in it

No Yeah Are you serious? Yes It really backfired didn't it so it's i just replied no keep jacking it from your mortgage advisor okay so funny yeah all Alright Frank gets in touch Hi Frank

Hello peas in the Keep it Short Keep it short Hello peas in the bud pod Yep Lovely Very nice

That's nice Just wanted to share with you The tale of an okay thank you That has haunted me Since my university days Oh lovely An academic Okay thank you

During my first year of uni In one of my minor subjects Cultural studies Whatever that is He says And I don one of my minor subjects Cultural studies Whatever that is He says And I don't think that's minor Cultural studies

Isn't that everything? All art? Yeah it's pretty That's a broad That is vague Yeah We were tasked With one of the uncoolest

Cool things A powerpoint presentation Can a powerpoint presentation Be cool in the first place? I don't know I guess you're surfing The information Superhighway which is kind of cool. Never surf on the highway.

It's very dangerous. I was due to give mine, my presentation, in week six of term. So I had ample time to bang it together and not worry about it. Lovely. The day the presentation came, I was fairly relaxed about it. I'd hit all the key points. I'd changed the generic font. Very nice. Yes. Papyrus. Impact. What will it be?

Show them you've put in some thought. Put some colour in there. I'd done an extremely mediocre job. All previous presentations, no matter what the standard, had received a well done from the lecturer. And there were some extremely low standards, he says. Some of his friends were bin bags. And a compulsory round of applause from other students.

Oh, gosh. So I had that to look forward to. I delivered my presentation just slightly above half-heartedly and managed to get through all my notes, and it felt like it had gone fine. Turning to the lecturer, waiting for the praise to wash over me, and my humble face prepared for the applause.

That is a funny face. The face you put on anticipating approval. Yeah. Anticipating something you're going to have to downplay for the sake of humility. Yes, yeah. I'm ready to pretend not to enjoy this.

Turning to the lecturer, waiting for praise to wash over me and my humble face prepared for the applause. I was met with... okay, thank you. Silence. And I had to shuffle back to my seat. It still haunts me to this very day. I was the only one for the entire class that didn't get a well done.

That okay, thank you stung. Love the podcast. Keep jacking it. Oh no! But that is funny for everyone to get praise. Well done! But also like when something is so unanimously bad that everyone silently agrees we're not going to share this.

There's an understanding, a tacit understanding that that was bad, completely unambiguously. And also that we've all clapped for everyone, but that was so bad, not one of us feels that justice needs to be done. We've all silently silently telepathically decided that there will be no clapping for you. I want to see that presentation. I actually am fascinated. Frank, what was it about? What part of all human culture?

Do you think he just stood up and he went, weaving, a play, pencil sketches. He just listed. Maybe it was Baffler. Okay, thank you. A play Pencil sketches They're just listed Maybe it was Bethlehem Okay thank you Okay thank you

Okay thank you Just silently walking back to the seat Okay next one Yeah Quick one from Adam Oh hi Adam Hey Bud Pod Buds It's like my mum always says

There are two kinds of people in this world, wankers and liars. Okay. Keep on jacking, Adam. Is that it? That's it. There's only 2,000 people in this world, wankers and liars.

As in, like, people who jack it. Oh, of course. Yeah. It's about how we were talking last time about how wanking is the thing where you... The most normal... The weirdest normal thing. The weirdest normal thing. it's the most normal, the weirdest normal thing.

Weirdest normal thing. Weirdest normal thing. That's a good category. We should do that. Henry gets in touch. Hi, Peabuds. Oh, hey, Henry. Or Harry, which is an insane shortening of Henry.

I think Henry was the one who said keep jacking it. I think he invented it. Oh, really? Or maybe he's... Well, thanks a lot, Henry. Yeah. He says, I apologize that my well-intentioned email has resulted in the unwanted and actively disliked catchphrase. However,

I'd like to express my delight that my love of bashing the bishop has become so intimately linked with the podcast as to become an unofficial catchphrase. Keep jacking it. Phil, you may remember someone tweeting you about having the same shoes as you at one of your works in progress at King's Cross.

I'm looking for some new ones and I thought I'd see what you're currently repping. Oh, I'm wearing New Balances 373s. They're just very comfortable. Yeah. Yeah. I put off getting New Balances because they've got a fucking N on them.

Like, they're called New Balances and their logo is an N. Just a big N. Yeah, just a big N. Or a sideways Z. Yeah, that's it actually. From some angles it looks like my feet are sleepy. Oh, Phil. Oh, Phil.

We've got some messages. We've got another message from the slow plopper. Oh, God. Yeah. Okay, so to get her on up to date, Pierre and I have a close friend who poos slower than any human has ever lived because he genuinely believes that it's bad for you to squeeze it out

and that it has to fall out of you naturally by erosion. That if your natural muscles don't do it on their own. In my head, it's the equivalent of holding in piss until it bursts out. Yeah, it is insane. Okay, what was he saying now? Dear Phil and Pierre, and this is going to be hard to read. Okay. Because it's all in capitals.

Great. And it's mad gibberish like it was last time. Dear Phil and Pierre, capitals great it's mad gibberish like it was last time dear phil and pierre been on molly days so just caught up with

your weasley plodcast episode 11 you'll catch it you'll catch it it's done now it's finished having a plop at me welding a sword like a real man what's finished the

holiday or our podcast first think this phil you make me laugh having a plop just cause I was learning to defend myself with a stick over the park

wist you were busy rubbing a calculator all over your face in a hair condition room crying because knobdy licked you

cause you're licked like Dexter's lab oh my god cause we're talking about him spinning the sticks spinning the umbrella spinning his the umbrella Spinning his sword Second thinks, second thinks

Why taunt a man who can slay thee with a blade You're for it, both of you are for it And by it I mean death by blades What's an uncool cool Think it's uncool, Phil not having a head It's cooler for Loppet or for the plastic tube From Matalan, slow but nice And great, ho, ho, ho.

I'm imagining it now. What a wheeze. Ho, ho. Don't say I didn't warn you. Lop, lop, lop. Etter, allo, andoren. Utilian. I don't even know what that is.

I can feel us losing listeners every time you read one of his emails. I can feel people turning off and unsubscribing. What's that? It's Aragorn's coronation oath have that you fucking pair of scutters

watch out scutters slopoo is how he signs off oh my god please stop sending those in

horrible nonsensical garbage absolutely mad gibberish and we will not stop which just means

he's going to keep writing in we will not stop saying you're supposed he's going to keep writing in. We will not stop saying, you're supposed to squeeze your poos out. You have muscles in there for that purpose. God's sake. Hello.

No one is available to take your call. Please leave a message after the tone. Oh, um, hello. Yes, is that the Respica? I'm calling the, is it RSPCA? Or Respica? The Respica? I, hello, Rispica, it's Marjorie here. on a hike in my special shoes from my wedding. And I was hiking for nostalgia reasons in the woods. And I'm calling because I know that you're the animal people. And I don't think it's a matter for the police because I don't think anything's been done wrong. But I think I saw the Bigfoot. And I don't want the police to have the Bigfoot, because they're small-minded, possibly. And a Bigfoot is an animal, and you're the animal people, is what I'm calling. And I saw him, and he had a Bigfoot. And it wasn't like, it wasn't the biggest

foot I've ever seen. But it was too big for his body. And he was like a big, an L. And he was in the woods in Harry and he was making a barbecue but it was um outside of the normal barbecue area that's why I was suspicious and it was a tray silver tray with the coals but he wasn't he was cooking it was an apple he was then put an apple in half and was cooking it and that's what I'm calling about because I think the Bigfoot shouldn't be doing that I assume his diet is more carnivorous. And he's cooking apples. And I'm worried someone's got to him.

Someone's got to Bigfoot and made him a vegan. And he doesn't have that understanding of his own dietary requirements. He might not be the same as a person. Like you're not supposed to have a vegan cat. And maybe he's going to be sick. And as soon as we discover him, he dies because he's afraid of beef now. Anyway, I hope you can find me. I don't

know where I am. I'm in the woods. On an unrelated note, we have a message in from our friend George. Oh yeah. Hello lads, he says. What's George saying? It's me, your long-term friend and mine. That's funny. Actor and sometimes sketch comedian George Fouracres. I absolutely love

the show, lads, as you know, but I think you need to give some careful thought to the demographic you're attracting with the subject matter. Every time I tune in, I get a creeping feeling that each episode contains a niche bit of depraved sexual titillation, usually by Phil. What? There's the obvious example of humiliation by

German poo categorizer. I remember that one. Yeah, that was Bud Poo. The infamous Bud Poo episode. But also more subtle things like Phil pooing quietly onto a cloth. But that's the same episode. Phil chopping up said poo kneeling on the floor. That's the same episode.

Phil covered in his own jizz, having been caught off guard by a fellow dormitory boy. Okay, to be fair, that could be any episode. Phil having his toenails perfected. Talking about which type of piss is the stinkiest. Not the fresh kind, insists Phil. Phil demanding he has a squeaky clean bum bum all the time, at all times. I don't mean to kink shame anyone, but having been friends with both of you for ten years, I thought I'd give you a gentle heads up in case some well-meaning deviant starts sending you some absolutely appalling home-drawn fan art.

Especially now that you're literally encouraging people to keep checking it. I'm not! I'm not encouraging people! Oh, that's great. I hadn't realised quite how many fetishes your content aligns with, Phil. I'm just talking about piss and poo which we do every episode. And fucking dogs now. But that wasn't me

and I said it was mad. George says, okay, thank you. Keep up the good work. And he signs off, best wishes to you pair of professional pod pilots. See you soon for a smooth,

thick, disgusting glass of Lucky Kentucky. Ugh, what is that? Oh, right. Lucky Kentucky from last year. It's your own brand. My own brand of Tennessee whiskey. I like that your mind

was so in the gutter. You thought that Lucky Kentucky meant God knows. God knows. Sorry, Lucky Kentucky is a delicious brand of bourbon.

It's the octopus eggs. Oh, it's got octopus eggs in it. Charlie gets in touch. Hello, postage and packaging. Lovely. That's good. Yeah, I like that one. Loving the Bud Pod so far. Hello postage and packaging. Lovely. That's good. Yeah, I like that one.

Loving the Bud Pod so far. I have a question for you both. What are your favourite albums? I would love to know. Albums? Like musical albums? Or like albums of childhood photographs? Well, for me, it's 1999.

Favourite albums? Music albums? Well, I mean, that's a big question. Yeah, I'm not really someone who talks about music or albums in that way. I'm always very envious of people who are like, oh, that's a great album. I go, oh, yeah, is this song on it?

I like that song. Yeah, I wish I knew more. I feel like a real stooge. I know that I am, as a music fan to music, what some people are to comedy, and those people make me frustrated. Right. Because they're like,

oh, is that good? Is that good comedy? And I don't really, I don't really, the kind of people who don't remember the names of comedians, I don't know the names of anyone in a band. I just know the name of the band.

Sure. You know. Although on that note, shout out to my own radio show that went out on Sunday night It's called Wangsplaining So please check that out on BBC Sounds And give it a listen

Phil's favourite album is Wangsplaining on BBC Sounds Well no the music on it is by a Singaporean musician Called Fox Spelled F-A-U-X-E And he's got an album called Ikhlas I-K-H-L-A-S And that's on Spotify And it's a beautiful album

So check that out That's very nice It's like he's He's remixed Of Malaysian folk songs And stuff Cool With new beats

And it's brilliant Well on that note In fact It's one of my favourite albums At the moment Charlie Trials of Cato That folk band I was playing you and George

Oh yes They're good They're really good They have an album Called Hide and Hair and it's sort of modern folk with a couple of covers. Hide and Hair by the Trials of Cato.

They're a lovely new folk band and they're really lovely boys. So I guess we have albums we like but I've never... Abbey Road by the Beatles is about as good an album as I can imagine. Also, I have albums where I love them, but I don't think that you will. I don't think that it's somehow an objective quality, and often I love them for personal reasons.

Even if now I think they're a bit bin bags. I'm a big Marilyn Manson fan. In general. I never gave her a chance. She's a beautiful, talented woman, Marilyn Manson fan. Uh-huh. In general. I never gave her a chance. She's a beautiful, talented woman, Marilyn Manson. Charlie also has a libertarian, authoritarian thought. Every citizen is giving... I've thought this.

Is this a libertarian or authoritarian one? Charlie, I've thought this. Which one is this? Every citizen is given a metal straw at birth, and it's theirs to use for the rest of their life. This is authoritarian? Yes, I think so. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You get one free replacement. I think this could reduce plastic waste. I've thought of the metal straw. In my head, Charlie, it was on a necklace. That's lovely. That's like a little fluke toot. Like you're a sommelier. They've got that weird chalice around their neck on a chain.

Yeah. Like a little ritual thing. Imagine if everyone had a necklace with a little toot toot straw. That would be, I think it would be cool. And you could pass them down. This was my grandfather's milkshake straw. Before he threw his milkshake at a Nazi. It has been suggested

semi-jokingly that we all should carry our own straws. Yeah, but then I guess people would be like, well, we have to mine loads of metal now. Sure. And that's bad for the ground. But I think it's fine for the ground. But I think it's fine for the ground. But I haven't costed it, frankly. Quick one from David.

Hey, Puff Buddies. Puff Buddies? Yeah. Okay. Been enjoying the pod since the heady days of episode one. Wow! David was right fucking in there. Like a legend. Just a quick weird un-weird for you. Oh, that's catchy.

Weird un-weird. Okay. Like weird as normal thing? Oh, weird as normal thing. Oh, yeah, sure, sure. The eating of eggs. Okay, okay. Okay, thank you.

Dave? I did a show on Sunday with a comedian who carries around a cooler with hard-boiled eggs in it. Okay, let's stop that story immediately. Say that again. You did a gig with a comedian who has a cooler. Yeah, he carries around. I won't say his name in case he doesn't want people to know. He seemed perfectly happy.

He shouldn't want people to know. Because he's carrying around a cooler full of farts. Full of hard-boiled eggs. How many? So he's got a carton of them in there, but instead of, like, eggs, like raw eggs, they are hard-boiled eggs. Like a prank almost.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he'll take them out, and he'll salt them, and he'll eat them, and he'll go do a gig. And he's absolutely repulsive. You don't like eggs, though? I love eggs. Oh. I just find that, like, wheeling around a cooler

with a little fake punnet of eggs. But I always forget how much I like a boiled egg until I have one. I'm like, oh, this is a bit gross. I have one as actually that was brilliant. I think that it's like not a food for just in public because it's like... It makes you look insane. It makes you look like a character in a film who's going to kill at some point. It smells like farts.

It does smell like farts. There's shell. There's bits of shell. There's an element that of clean up to that. You've got to peel it and it's a bit like visceral. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's their...

How do they justify this? It's good for you, high protein. Yeah, but just eat your meals when it's meal time. How busy are you? You have time to boil six eggs and arrange them back in their own packaging. Well, it's just like people bring in packed lunches. That's...

So eating eggs is the weird... Why does David think it's weird? He just says eating eggs. Like it's an odd... I guess conceptually it's quite odd. It's very common in nature. I get very annoyed with people like, those are chicken periods.

It's like, yeah, well, steaks are animal muscles. Well, what do you want? Yeah. This is life. Animals eat each other. Yeah, what's fucking wrong with you? Have you not seen that yet? Also, it isn't, because chicken and people are different.

No, Phil. Everything is the same. It's important to remember that everything is the same, and all good things are bad actually and all bad things are actually good if you can draw a tiny element

of parallel between those between two seemingly different things they're basically the same yes yeah there's been a lot of that

Nigel Farage being hit by a milkshake is the same as an assassin killing everyone's favourite charity worker tomorrow

everything is the same but it isn't nothing is different things are the same the amount of times Killing everyone's favourite charity worker tomorrow. Everything is the same. But it isn't. Nothing is different. Things are the same. The amount of times I feel I have to tell people it is okay to have double standards about two things that are different. People's completely lost touch.

Oh, oh, see, like in my show where I talk about the double standards thing where it's like, oh, you'd eat a chicken but not a dog. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you'd breastfeed your own child but you won't breastfeed my friend Colin. And they're both hungry humans and they both need your help. Yeah, but I don't want to.

That's fine. Everything's made up. Yeah, that's a good one. Zara gets in touch and I won't say her name but it's a hell of a name. It's one of those complicated names that can only arise from, I don't know, diplomacy. Let me see. Have a little look at that name. Ooh!

Her parents have been about. Yeah, I can't help but feel Phil is overplaying it somewhat there, but never mind. Wow! Hi, PP boys. Yeah. I think it's fair enough that we're PP boys. Hope you're well. Just coming at you with some thoughts I've been having during my exams. The level of influence this pod has had on me really struck me.

Oh, God. She's going to fail her exams. She's going to walk up and down a tube carriage. When I was young, I listened to a podcast and I failed my exams. I fucked my exams. I fucked my exams. The level of influence this pod has had on me really struck me. When I opened one of my exam papers, I didn't like the question.

And all I could think was of an extremely exasperated, I'm a pilot. I can't possibly answer this. Also, I got me thinking, coolest uncle thing, invigilators. Yeah, they are kind of cool. I uncool thing invigilators yeah they are kind of cool I kind of thought invigilators are cool

I know but hear me out sure they're kind of fusty and universally scorned but I think it's the most baller thing that they get to flex their freedom and get paid for it

in a room full of discontented youth I think that's one of my favourite ever coolest uncool things because that is spot on because you think oh what a dork

but also you see these teachers who are like usually like supply teachers yeah suddenly this new powerful light you're like wow mr davis actually he's got something to him now that he's got a swagger i didn't see it before he's he's in he's instilling the fear of god in these people yeah that's really good that's a good down. I'm just finishing as a pen. Pens down. Yeah. Finish the exam. Yeah.

Time's up. That's a good, cool example. That's a good one. It's the ultimate power move, she says. Yeah.

That might be batshit, but just a thought. Anyway, totally love the pods. I keep going. Okay, thank you,

Zara. Okay. That was good. Thank you, Zara. That was a good one, yeah. Very good one.

And of course, a lovely email from Gunnar Garais, who says he'd love to discuss a business opportunity with us. And he's offering us pay-per-click. His primary focus is to generate sales through clients through online marketing. So thank you, Gunnar.

Yes, please, more of those, guys. Yeah, please. Love hearing from you. We would love to generate more clicks through online marketing to sell shirts that say keep Jacking It, I guess. Imagine if we got an email like that, that was obviously spam, and then at the end was Keep Jacking It.

Whoa! He meant it. This is a real guy. If you started getting Nigerian Prince emails with Keep Jacking It at the bottom. Dear sir, madam, we am looking for a trusted person for the transfer of over a million pounds dollars sterling of inheritance money i am a general from that just on and on keep yacking it right at the end oh yeah my coolest uncool thing is people not believing me. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Me and my baby having fun on the dark web. Me and my baby looking for drugs on the dark web. We're gonna get some drugs. We're gonna buy some guns. We're gonna have a lot of fun on the dark web On the dark web

I got a pocket full of cryptocurrency I'm gonna spend it on stuff They're not gonna jail me Because you can't be traced on the dark web I'm not really sure I've not done enough research on the dark web

gonna buy some gross stuff on the dark web ooh it's horrible I shouldn't have seen that right there oh dear that wasn't meant for human eyes But I'm in too deep I'm gonna buy some guns

I'm gonna buy some bombs And buy some drugs on the dark web Oh, oh, oh The dark web I'm gonna go to jail on the dark web I've really failed on the dark web. I've really failed on the dark web. Yeah.

But at least I know where to buy high quality CBD. Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. That was episode 13 Episode 13 We got through it We did it The I'm trying to think of more bad luck stuff

Opening umbrella indoors We opened the umbrella indoors And we passed a knife from one hand to another. Is that unlucky? Yeah. To pass between your own hands? To hand someone a blade. How are you supposed to give people knives?

Put it on the table. Is it? Yeah. I never used to think that. And then someone in my art class when I was in high school said it. And I was like, that's a good one. Now my brain will think that too. Well, it's good because it's just practical.

A lot of people got stabbed in the hand and they went, you know what, this is bad luck. Yeah, and also it's almost like if they use the knife to murder someone, right? You can be like, I just put it on the table.

Right, right, right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I don't feel bad about that. Well, Pia and I have been passing a knife between each other for an hour. We've been juggling.

Yeah. We've been juggling three knives. It's been so much bad luck generated. Yeah. But that's fine. We hope that you guys don knives. It's been so much bad luck generated. Yeah. But that's fine. We hope that you guys don't have the bad luck we're going to have. I hope you all don't get milkshaked. Good luck out there.

A lot of milkshakes. Unless you deserve milkshaking. If you deserve a milkshaking, I really hope you get milkshaked. And I hope it's the silliest flavor. But do still keep listening to the podcast. We really appreciate it. Yes, please. Okay.

Thank you. Okay. Thank you. Bye. Bye-bye.