BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 135 - Damn!

Episode Date: October 27, 2021

The boys talk accidents, swearing and consequences - correspondence includes pool shower murder and Brighton heckler chat Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Si vous faites vos achats tout en travaillant, en mangeant ou même en écoutant ce balado, alors vous connaissez et aimez l'excitation du magasinage. Mais avez-vous ce frisson d'obtenir le meilleur deal? Les membres de Rakuten, eux, oui. Ils magasinent les marques qu'ils aiment et font d'importantes économies, en plus des remises en argent. Et vous pouvez aussi commencer à gagner des remises en argent dans vos magasins préférés, comme Old Navy, Best Buy et Expedia, et même cumuler les ventes et les remises en argent dans vos magasins préférés comme Old Navy, Best Buy et Expedia. Et même cumulez les ventes et les remises en argent.

C'est facile à utiliser et vous obtenez vos remises par PayPal ou par chèque. L'idée est simple. Les magasins paient Rakuten pour leur envoyer des gens magasinés. Et Rakuten partage l'argent avec vous sous forme de remise. Téléchargez l'application gratuite Rakuten et ne manquez jamais un bon deal. Ou allez sur rakuten.ca pour en avoir plus pour votre argent. C'est R-A-K-U-T-E-N. A bumpy life It's a bum P life It's a bumpy life

It's a bumpy life It is a bumpy life Quite literally in my case You've had a bumpy life haven't you Phil recently Yes this past week I've had a bumpy life I've had a fall I've had a fall It's've I've had a fall. It's time to move

Phil into a home. He's had a fall. Yeah, I've had a fall, and broke said fall with my right arm, which has given me a lovely little crack in my elbow. So, my arm's all swollen.

I've got a bag of ice here, so that might be the... You might be hearing that, Podbuds. That's ice. I'm not taking it through my wheat fields. I'm not taking it on tour of my corn.

I don't know if that sounds like that. Crouching your bones. Yeah, and so I'm just trying to Ice my bones while I Speak to Pierre and the nation Yeah well this is it And you've An elbow crack sounds

Awful Phil Yeah it's not pleasant It's not I wouldn't recommend it But it could have been a lot worse. And I've never broken or even fractured anything in my life before, so this is my first. Have you not?

No, I might have done me a bit of damage on the rib once. I was doing a sketch with Daphne, with George and Jason, and there's a bit where I get killed. I get shot in the back of the head execution style. And I love that bit.

I love it. I get shot in the back of the head execution style. And I love that bit. I love it! I'm dressed as a bee and George is a wasp, for context. And George the wasp shoots me in the back of the head and I collapse forward. And I love doing this bit because I just love being all dramatic and dying dramatically. And I

landed face first, flat on my ribs, and when I hit the flat on my ribs, and when I hit the ground in the theatre, I just felt and heard a little squeak like that. Oh. Yeah, in my ribs. But I always had to lie there dead, so I just... I just made a little face to myself,

like that with my lips in an O shape, like that. And I just had to lie there dead and pretend it was was all fine and for weeks that thing hurt man i had to take painkillers i had to yeah it was not good but but aside from that it's just this arm now i've had a little squeak a little crack yeah well i mean um you've had a fall in the season of fall Maybe that's why it's called fall Ah, it's a slippy season Slippery leaves rotting on the pavement I know it's an Americanism

But I like the word fall For autumn, it's pleasant The fall It's romantic The fall Autumn, it's a bit severe It's a. The fall. Autumn. Autumn is a bit severe. It's a bit cold. Autumn.

Well, autumn is from Latin, and fall is kind of Anglo-Saxon. Is it not literally just from falling leaves, or is that a connection people have made after the fact? It might be in terms of its etymology. Let me look it up for etymology. I think it's like, yeah, falen. Hang on.

Eifalen. Yeah, I still use that word now. Eifalen. The leaves are falen. What was our Scandinavian author from last year last year last week

oh Maldon Maldon Salt Maldon Salt yeah Maldon Salt's newest thriller the

the fallen the fallen blood oh here we go the sense of using fall to mean autumn is attested around, certainly by the 1660s in England, as a shortening

of the Middle English, fall of the leaf. Ah, there you go. Along with autumn, it mostly replaced the older name harvest, as the name began to be associated strictly with the act of harvesting. Compare spring, which apparently began as the spring of the leaf. Season words.

Season words. Is it one of those words like candy that's actually a very old English word that is now an American word? Yes, and faucet as well. Oh. For that, yeah. And twerking, of course. yes and force it as well for that and twerking of course and twerking

and twerking yes from the middle English twerker which means the way your buttocks shake when you're afraid of a baron. That's where it's from. The baron or the earl would ride past on his horse and all the peasants would twerk with fear. And if you weren't twerking, he would chop off your bum.

And if you weren't twerking, he would chop off your bum. If you won't twerk for your lord, perhaps you don't deserve thine buttocks, he'd say. Yeah, he would deacetate you. He'd take you to the buttstocks and put your butt in a guillotine and chop it off. Yes, like two hams. If you didn't twerk with fear, he'd stop his horse and his squire would lift your chin up with the end of his staff. And he'd say, look me in the eyes, boy. Why dost thou not twerk for thine lord?

And if you had a good enough answer he might hire you you know right right because you're showing character and he'd think you're too thou art too bold to toil in the field yeah if you're like I do not twerk

because the levy on wheat is most unjust my lord and he'd go because the levy on wheat is most unjust, my lord. And he'd go, hmm. It takes courage not to twerk when the king approaches, but it takes smarts to know when the king is wrong. Come.

And he'd get on your feet. Come. And he'd get in the wagon. Yeah. get on your feet come you get in the wagon yeah yeah it's a

we twerk only for the Lord our God sire he wouldn't say smart he'd say wisdom yeah he's a God he's a God twerking man he's a

he is a good God twwerking man. That's in the Johnny Cash song, when the man comes around. You'll all twerk before his throne. It's all in the Bible. It's all about what we'll all do when Judgment Day comes. Hear the trumpets, hear the pipers 100 million angels twerking twerking to the sound of that big kettle bum oh gosh man oh man

well I mean it's been quite the week for accidents Pierre yeah I mean everyone's seen the news well someone was killed on the set of Alec Baldwin's movie yeah and apparently I just saw today

The guy who said The gun was unloaded Was kicked off Of production in 2019 For some other fuck up Involving a gun There's a guy I thought it was a lady

Who was their armourer Because they have A props master And they also have An armourer Who specifically Looks after the guns Yeah

She was the armourer But apparently It was this guy Who said cold gun And yelled cold gun And then handed it over Every day There's another Sort of damning detail That comes out but apparently it was this guy who said, cold gun, and yelled cold gun, and then handed it over. Every day there's another sort of damning detail that comes out.

Yeah, it's amazing, isn't it, to think that they go like, well, obviously we need real rounds for when they load the gun, and we zoom in, because they look like real bullets, and you think, well, just, I don't know. Obviously it's America, so real ammo is actually very cheap, and it's way cheaper and easier to use than some kind of weird prop ammo that looks like it's got a shell with a bullet in it. Yeah, yeah.

But you just think, really, is that not a... Is this wise? I don't know. I guess it's normalised in the States. It's sort of... If you're filming in a part of the United States where you can carry a fucking M16 into Walmart, that level of caution around an old revolver would probably feel quite silly to you.

Oh, was it a revolver? It was a cowboy film. Yeah, but they have repeaters and all that sort of thing. Yeah, but a repeater is a revolver. A repeater is a revolver that you don't need to cock every time. No, a repeater is like a rifle sort of thing yeah but a repeater is a is a revolver repeater is a revolver that you don't need to cock every time no repeat is like a rifle kind of thing and you cock it on the with the like the trigger piece oh i see oh i thought you're talking about like an automatic hand oh right right right right i thought you were saying that billy the kid could have whipped out a glock and

shot it sideways phil yeah i fired i think i've told you i told you this before i fired a glock uh it's good isn't it but yeah with with with dud well not dud with blanks blank rounds all right the the power of you just go oh i mean you get it you get it you know you get you get a word and obviously all the republicans are like because alec baldwin did the trump impressions on snl so now they're all like essentially just saying ha ha yeah which is very dignified and respectful yeah yeah it really puts the the uh the nra in a in a good light good to see them taking their moral high ground i i'm always reminded phil of a joke that made, and you must have made it in like 2011 or something, maybe 2012, but it was a long time ago. And the joke that you made where, what is it like to be an American where at every election, people just go, well, your choice is either a guy who

sort of goes, well, of course, the taxes and, and you like, you say something very sort of like, you know, fairly equivocal, kind of slight, dull slight dull policy and then or like him or a guy who's like and then you just did like an evil laugh and tented your fingers and people go yeah okay that's a good counterpoint yeah people people go well that's tough i mean i don't know i don't know i don't know and it's even more of a stark contrast now isn't it because at least in like i don't know days gone by someone like as uptight as george hw bush could be like well i'm a republican who are family values and respect and being and not swearing and being nice and respectful and dignified

and instead now it's just like they don't even do that anymore. They go nah we had a guy who fucks prostitutes and lies and cheats people and swears so we don't fucking care anymore. He talks about grabbing people's pussies. We don't care about any of that. It's just the taxes

actually. You know what? I'm currently watching the documentary on BBC bbc about blair and brown the blame brown years and i still haven't done it everyone says it's great stuff it's really good stuff it's really good stuff but it just it really throws into focus how much politics has changed and how much standards of like what is expected of a politician's behavior has changed and And, you know, there's a bit where Peter Mandelson, who's Tony Blair's right-hand man, he discovered that he didn't declare a loan he took from a fellow cabinet minister.

And I'm like, okay, right. And everyone's like, oh, what are we going to do? And Tony Blair basically forces his resignation over this undeclared loan. And Tony Blair's going, well, I had to do something. I had to do something. This story was taking up too much. And now from a 2021 perspective, you just go, just wait a week. Who the fuck?

who the fuck the idea that you'd have to take action on an embarrassing on being caught doing something embarrassing it's crazy to us now it feels archaic to ask someone to step down

and the idea that if that happened now all that would happen it's like Priti Patel being found guilty of being a massive bully or whatever. Yeah. And it's just like, well, then the prime minister just comes out and goes, well, he's declared it now, so it was an oversight. Bye.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And no one would have given a shit. Well, I mean, maybe they would have, I don't know, but now we live in this, like you said, this completely different dimension where literally it just doesn't matter what happens everyone just goes well as long as none of us ever resign

then no one will ever have to resign again yeah I wonder if we'll ever get back to that if we'll ever get back to accountability as they say well it's annoying isn't it where instead of just letting,

instead of being able to rely on people resigning, increasingly you just have to keep setting up bodies whose job is to force people to resign after, like, ten-month-long investigations at the very shortest. Yeah. And then they get compromised and then they have to be replaced

or then they have to be watched over by another body. I mean, Cressida dick should have resigned five times. The head of the Met Police. Chief of Police. The Met Police, yeah, constant fuck-ups. Yeah. But it's just like, you know, she's learned from Donald Trump and Theresa May

and the entire current government that if you just go ah, no, then nothing happens. Yeah, it's powerful. It's powerful stuff. What if we... Is this the true power, Phil, of manifesting?

Manifesting. So that's like just imagining imagining your desires and they will come true? Yeah, but it's just kind of like I'm telling the universe I don't have come true yeah but it just kind of well I don't I'm telling the universe I don't have to resign and then it just goes and it just happens

yeah pretty much I think what has to happen is for for news to slow down we don't care about single failures because there's yeah because the next minute we find out about another tragedy another disaster um another failure of leadership

and and we forget the last one whereas back in you know the early noughties we a single news story would have a shelf life of many more weeks than it does now so basically i'm saying the internet has to be turned off for accountability to return to politics and to public life yeah um and also just like i suppose in those days as well given that you know if if the current government fucks something, they're basically going to be attacked by The Guardian and maybe one other paper, right? Mm-hmm. Whereas Peter Mandelson would have been like

prime target for every other newspaper and news organization in the country. But at that point, didn't they have the Mail and The Sun on their side, New Labour? What year was this that he did the loan? Wasn't that quite later? It must have been 2002, 2001, something like that.

It's quite early on. They lost them pretty quickly. Oh, really? Yeah, okay. Well, they had the sun kind of in the election, but... Let's see see Mandelson loan I don't even understand what he did wrong he borrowed some money from someone

I don't understand yeah he got a loan or wanted a loan I'm just trying to look it up what's going on Je suis en train de le regarder. Qu'est-ce qui se passe? Je vais avoir ce bras bien froid. Un bras froid.

Un bras froid. en mangeant ou même en écoutant ce balado, alors vous connaissez et aimez l'excitation du magasinage. Mais avez-vous ce frisson d'obtenir le meilleur deal? Les membres de Rakuten, eux, oui. Ils magasinent les marques qu'ils aiment et font d'importantes économies, en plus des remises en argent. Et vous pouvez aussi commencer à gagner des remises en argent dans vos magasins préférés comme Old Navy, Best Buy et Expedia, et même cumuler les ventes et les remises en argent. C'est facile à utiliser et vous obtenez vos remises par PayPal ou par chèque. L'idée est simple. Les magasins paient Rakuten pour leur envoyer des gens magasinés.

Et Rakuten partage l'argent avec vous sous forme de remise. Téléchargez l'application gratuite Rakuten et ne manquez jamais un bon deal. Ou allez sur rakuten.ca pour en avoir plus pour votre argent. C'est R-A-K-U-T-E-N. I can't turn my hand outwards. I can't turn my right hand outwards without a pain going through my forearm. Yeah, it's weird. And of course it happened to my right arm and I'm right-handed. So I can only now just about... Jacket.

Just about jacket. I can just about put deodorant on my left armpit. To wash my left armpit in the shower is hard because I can't turn my palm upwards so I have to soap the back of my right hand like my fist and then I have to wash my left armpit with my fist with my knuckles like I'm

a gorilla you have to punch your armpit clean yeah I gotta punch the dirt out like I'm going to punch the dirt out. Like I missed a muscle. That's quite a funny... It could be quite a good metaphor or something. Like you're unable to raise your palm up to accept things. Yeah.

Like you can't be given anything in that hand now. Oh no, not my begging arm I'm gonna beg now it is also my microphone arm so I don't know I should be able to get a microphone to my lips that's the most important thing I said to the doctor

will I ever lift a microphone to my lips again will I ever tell a microphone to my lips again? Will I ever tell a dick joke again, Doctor? Maybe you could now get some sort of like... You could say to the government, well, I can't work. This is my microphone arm. This is my jacking hand, Boris. You know better than anyone the importance of your jacking hand.

How am I supposed to keep jacking it with this terrible injury? Send someone round to jack it for me. Oh, I have just the number. It looks like I'm just trying to find out what the problem was with the Mandelson thing. I don't know, it all just seemed a bit improper. And then he was back in the cabinet within 10 months Oh spoilers Pierre Is that the ice noise?

Yeah I'm trying to move it around Through this connection it sounds like you're stomping grapes or something Yeah I'm making my own wine I'm taking my down time to start my own vineyard. Getting back to nature. Wang's wine?

Wang's wine. Yeah. What would you call your wine? You must have thought about this. You're a big wine boy. I'm a big wine boy. You know, I've never ever thought of it. Is it a red or a white?

Oh. Is the answer different for you yeah yeah of course because every every every cuvee every uh every each wine needs its own name sure but like i mean like the the producer name would be um it'll be phil wine, that's too bad. What would it be? Phil Wine's Wanyard. I would call it... Oh, yeah, I actually did think about this today. It'd be called the Angel's Share.

Because that's what's called... That's what you call the reduction in booze in the barrel over time as the alcohol evaporates. It's called the Angel's Share. So my booze would be... My wine would be called the Angel's Share. Oh, that makes it sound really cheap that makes it sound tacky having angel and entitled very tacky isn't it it's also um a fairly um uh underwhelming film angel's share yeah Angel's Share yeah

is it about 2012 oh I've never heard of it yes because the Angel's Share is also the way they describe the little bit you lose

in volume due to evaporation in whiskey as well right I wonder if it's just whiskey and it's set in Scotland and it's oh it's a Ken Loach film

so of course it's a slightly simpering oh gosh well I'd rather not be associated It's set in Scotland and it's, oh, it's a Ken Loach film. So, of course, it's a slightly simpering. Oh, gosh. Well, I'd rather not be associated. Yeah. So, I'll pick something else. Wang's Wine it is. It'll be called Wang's Wine and the white wine will be called Blanc...

Firing Blanc. Noiring Blanc... No, that's... No. Blanc... Blancity Blanc. Blancity Blanc. Very nice. Blancity Blanc would be the name of my white wine.

And the red wine would be called... Blancity Blanc. Blancity Blanc. That's right. I don't think they have the word plonk in America, do they? For a bad wine? No, I don't think so. I think they just say bad wine. It wouldn't sound right in there. Plonk. Plonk.

Horrible. Plonk. The worst thing, the worst sound in the world is hearing an American say the word plonker. You plonker. Plonker. It's the worst sound in the world. It's like nails on a chalkboard. Plonker. Plonker.

Oof. Disgusting. It's, um... Yeah, or, um... When Americans try and use moving ice when americans try and use british slang but it's like not quite right like they think that they think that people call each other like hello bloke yeah that's my mate that's my that's my mate over there

she's my mate really gross have you had an American say twat oh they say twat they say twat and it's like it's harsh it's like a bad word there it makes everyone very worried and upset.

Yeah. As does the word cunt, of course. You may as well let off a hand grenade. Yeah, they really care over there. I'm not sure. It's very strange, isn't it? Because why would you say twat, twat, twat? Twat. Because, yeah, you wouldn't say cat, cat, instead of cat. Twat, twat, twat?

Old Vart. I don't like that. She's a twat, and I don't like that. I think they, from what I've gleaned from all the American media all the time is that twat and cunt in America are like specific woman-hating words that you say when you are evil and hate a specific woman.

Yeah, yeah. It's a statement for sure. Whereas like You twat! You twat! Come on over here, you twat you twat come on Obi you twat I love you I love you

you twat I guess Australian can't cock me at once the highest compliment is that you could be a good cunt yeah that's right that's right

in Scotland there's nay cunt for nobody so even even like nothing can be a cunt. Even the absence of people can be a cunt. No cunt here. Yeah.

Nay-cunt for old men. Yeah, I don't know what... It's very strange, yeah, the level of offense in the in the states for it and i sort of i guess i kind of get it but then i don't know i think i think because also because of the job we do phil stand up we're so far beyond words upsetting us in very rare unless it's a very rare occasion that you just it's amazing to remember that some people are like some people can leave an experience like a play or a movie and go

there's a lot of swearing and you think oh yeah yeah I totally forget about those people yeah and oh yeah some people care about swearing it's so bizarre and I find it most awkward when I have to go on the radio I was on the Virgin radio

this weekend. Only virgins allowed. Made by virgins for virgins and that's why I like it. That's right. They had to check your hymen on the way in. Yeah, fortunately that is intact. I have not fractured that. I was on

Graham Norton's show I think the most talented virgin in show business Graham Norton what a sacrifice he'd make and

he's really nice but beforehand and you know they always say it if you go on the radio the producer's like so it's live radio so no swearing and i kind of think like i don't swear that much anymore anyway but then suddenly being told no swearing it's just i was so terrified then that i was going to swear and so if you ever hear me on the radio and you hear a slight tension in my voice that's the sound of me trying with every fiber in my being not to swear yeah and because i just want to go i think i probably should get away with poo yeah what's it's it's when someone says it then the first thing you want to do is go how's it going graham you're a cunt

first thing you want to shout yeah Yeah. It's so bizarre. And I think honestly no one cares. That's what's weird about it. And I was on Radio 4 with Samira Ahmed and before we started recording

she was like, and don't swear. And I said, you know people don't really care. And she was like and don't swear and I said you know people don't really care and she was like Radio 4 listeners do and maybe they do Radio 4 listeners are all a bunch of fucking pussies but I mean it's good stuff it's really good content but Radio 4 listeners are all stupid childish cunts

who need to grow up but but I also heard or read um an off-com report from a few years ago that like complaints for swearing had fallen off a cliff edge like it hardly ever happens if someone swears people don't really care anymore but there's still it's almost like a tradition now that you don't swear more than anything yeah and if someone does swear then they immediately apologize and it's like well and they're groveling i accidentally saw once on um jason manford's show on absolute radio yeah i just said shit i was like oh shit like that because i also i was also just because there's just two comedians in a room and when it's two comedians in the room you forget not you know you just your your swearing dials

turned up to 11 and um and i just said shit and he's and he's like um sorry everyone for the profanity there and it's so embarrassed it didn't feel rock and roll it didn't feel rebellious it was just embarrassing i just felt embarrassed i just felt like i'd i'd intruded on the child's fifth birthday and done a shit on their cake and everyone's gone oh sorry about the shit on timmy's cake i didn't feel good i didn't feel clever i just felt like can i not even control my mouth for 30 minutes it was like you'd gone on to talk to Manfred and then just gone yeah and then the other thing is

oh and anyway I was saying like you just done a big fart just on air this disgusting intrusion Phil in people's ears how dare you but I don't think you know what you know who cares like random random like mums and incredibly uptight old guys yes yeah it's someone someone who's got

their kid in the car and their shitty kid is now saying the word shit but it's also i feel like it's mainly a generation who counterintuitively lived through a much more dangerous period of our recent history so like people who were around towards the end of the second war through the cold war they're more concerned with language

than our generation to have lived through peace and I wonder if it's just like you know a displacement we've lived in more peaceful times so we need so we're okay with aggression in our language whereas they live through yeah aggressive time so they need peace in their language maybe i'm being a little of an armchair freud there but i've always wondered that it's well isn't it also interesting that they would be very very very offended by you going oh

christ but you can call everyone a poof or you could do racial slurs yeah yeah yeah that's that's the big one on radio 4 when i've done shows on radio 4 producers have been like you can have you can have a shit we could even maybe even lobby for a fuck but you cannot say christ you can't that one gets the most uh complaints that's the radio 4 crowd yeah and it used to be the top of the off-com list the whole like bob mortimer was on um adam buxton's podcast and they're talking about in the 90s on the off-com top of the list was jesus and christ and god and oh god and things like that so weird crazy but i mean yeah it that's how much it's changed is that you could say like well don't take the lord's name in vain especially not when you're talking to that puffed

and you just think wow that's not the right way around yeah yeah you're like i guess in the states where you know you can the president can talk about grabbing people by the pussy but you can't say the word you can't call him a cunt yeah he can grab one but you can't call him one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He grabs it, but don't call him a version of it. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking weird. What was the first

swear word you remember learning or getting in trouble for saying? Oh, damn. Damn? Yeah.

Like your Clark Gable. Were you in Gone with the Wind, Pierre? Damn. You said damn. Were you in Gone with the Wind, Pierre? Damn! You said damn. Like as a child. What child says damn?

Well, the trouble is that no one would say it on its own. But yeah, the idea that I dropped an ice cream and went, damn! it on its own, but yeah, the idea that I dropped an ice cream and went, damn. I think, um... Damn. Mother, father, I appear to have dropped my ice cream cone. Would you get me another? What did you say, son? Would you get me another, please, father? Before that. Oh, I said damn. Wash your mouth out with soap, Pierre.

This damn family. I think I must have said it more in line with the Rod and Todd flounders from The Simpsons. I don't want any damn vegetables. By South Africa, so that request was absolutely fine yeah they i was applauded i was roundly applauded well good because we haven't got any no i think i just said like oh that damn thing i don't know but it was more i think it was more about south africa is quite religious as well so i do remember being instructed very clearly like, oh, that damn thing. I don't know. But it was more, I think it was more about, South Africa is quite religious as well. So I do remember being instructed very clearly never to say Jesus or Christ or anything like that.

Right. And does the damn still have its biblical connotations? I guess. I mean, anything, yeah, God or damn or Jesus or Christ or any of that was very much like, don't say that. And then after that, earliest stuff, maybe just like bloody or something. Yeah, this is all very antiquated old school stuff you're getting in trouble for. Yeah, but then when I moved to the British Isles, then I spent one day at the local primary school

and came home with an absolute armful of fucks and shits. A cornucopia of filth. Yeah, a swearing harvest horn of absolute filth. A swearing fall, Pierre. A full swearing fall. Oh, and I wasn't allowed to say... What was it? I wasn't allowed to say frot frot

yeah it means like rotten in Afrikaans but it's like I think it's slightly obscene it's probably about as obscene as as damn would you go that's frot that's frot man that's frot yeah I just remember being told like oh don't say that

that's a bit something a bit wrong about that. I don't remember what the problem with it was, but... Huh. Oh. The first word I remember getting in trouble for was saying the word stupid. My mum was furious. Yeah. We were driving back home.

We were driving back home. And I noticed that I was really into like construction vehicles and there was a big truck with a load of sand on the back and I was tipping the sand onto the ground and the driver, there was still some sand left in the truck. And I went, look, mom, there's still sand in the truck. That man's stupid. And she went, don't say that. She was furious about me saying stupid so to this day i'm like what's wrong with that it's so funny isn't it because that could

have been like you know it's not because your mom is like you need to be more respectful of sand work it's it's like she yeah like uh whatever headspace your mom was in made her like snap right yeah and now forever in your head that's a thing yeah that's stupid yeah and yeah maybe she thought it was like a gateway swear yeah or she was like i don't want my son commenting on on people's stuff willy-nilly, so I'm going to really nip this in the bud. Yeah, I don't want my son being overly critical of men in the construction industry, specifically. Yeah.

They do a hard and important job. That's it. I mean, yeah, it's not like you hissed it in the face of a nurse. Stupid. As she gave you a vaccine, a vital vaccine, you didn't go, stupid. Stupid. Don't you know this will let Bill Gates control me? Stupid nurse. Stupid. Don't you know this will let Bill Gates control me?

Stupidness. Haven't you noticed how bad Windows 95 is currently? Which is the operating system we're all using. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Yeah. Then fair enough. Okay, so how old were you when you got in trouble for saying stupid about some sand?

Seven or eight, maybe? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's the right age for getting in trouble for things that are absolutely baffling, even years later. Because your parents don't know either. They're like, should we scold him for this? They're trying to make it up. You don't realize at the time.

Looking back now, they had no fucking idea what they were meant to scold us for and what they weren't. Yeah, you're like, well, no wonder it didn't make sense to me. There was no solid backing behind any of this. There was no plan. I remember getting lunchtime detention for throwing a piece of gravel into a small puddle. These damn pebbles. Take this. You bloody puddle For Christ's sake

That bloody puddle needs more gravel in it With each piece of gravel Damn, damn, damn This gets the devil Oh damn The masters caught me Damn Yeah, I made it worse by saying damn when I got caught.

Oh, damn. The deans caught me. Yeah. Well, this is all on the... This is on primary school on the Isle of Man that this happened. I was bored in a queue for something. Queuing up to go back into the classroom and I threw a piece. You know those little bits of gravel

you get on like tarmac? Oh yeah. Like on kids playgrounds? I just picked one up and chucked it in a puddle to see what would happen. Like a kind of centimeter deep puddle. Yeah. And the teacher was like, don't throw rocks at everyone

And just like flipped out I swear Like really flipped out Sometimes teachers are just fucking bored And they wanted to They just wanted to get someone in trouble for something They're just on the lookout They're like cops with a

With a target to hit You know they had to make so many arrests One recess Or they're just like hungover And having a divorce or whatever with a target to hit you know they had to make so many arrests one recess well they're just like hung over and having a divorce or whatever yeah all that shit for sure yeah and then you're just it was so disproportionate

that instantly even at the time I was not worried I'd done anything wrong you just like this will all come out I was like yeah they'll have to drop the charges they're gonna drop the charges yeah just going like this is this is mad even from my point of view this is mad this this isn't gonna stick see he's gonna throw this right out of court i'll see you in court damn you You bloody puddle. So funny.

You bloody puddle. Shall we read some damn correspondence? Damn it all, yes. Ring rings. E-m emails, phone calligraphy, your sister, your father, letters, correspondence. Let's find... Moving ice!

Let's find some... Let's find some Let's find some Poopoo la la While you and I were on tour Poopoo la la became a catchphrase for a couple of days Which was nice If one of us saw something impressive, we'd go, Poo Poo La La. Yeah, Poo Poo La La.

Well, it's another absolutely perfect Adam Buxton fragment. Oh, is it? He used to say Poo Poo La La when he was doing a French voice. He would sort of go, go oh this is not okay and i would say that it's a phrase that i say at least once a day and i've passed i've infected a bunch of people with poopoo lala uh well poopoo lala my ice pack my ice pack is has split so there's now water pouring onto my desk.

I just need to take this down to the freezer and put it away. I'll be back in a sec. I'll just keep rolling. Alright, keep on rolling. I'll say an email that doesn't need any much reaction. Okay. Just a quick one here from someone. They didn't really say from who. Dear

Pang and Povelli, I was at your Brighton show and wanted to shout okay thank you at a couple of points, but was quite far back, and after the well deserved ribbing the Boris woman got, I decided not to risk being seen as a heckler. More likely by the other non-pod bod patrons than you two of course um the more wine i drank the more i considered shouting keep jacking it but i thought the non-podcast listening woman i was with might be somewhat confused and leave me there keep jacking it okay thank you but

i'm a pilot um very good yeah well that's yeah it's hard isn't it when to know when to shout out the catchphrases or anything like that maybe there should be a sort of um um a sort of amnesty um maybe a sort of amnesty for shouting out that could be um that could be useful oh i'm back yeah do you know well do you want to explain the the boris lady because it actually is relevant to the radio for listeners so i was opening for um for phil at his final tour show right in brighton i had a lovely time and i said uh And I said something about not having something planned out, didn't I? Yeah.

It was when I was explaining how I splashed lamb juice on my face. That's right. And I said something about... Oh no, I was doing my Charles Manson bit and I described him as not being a details guy, being a big pictures guy. Yeah. Charles Manson bit and I described him as a I described him as a not being a details guy, being a big pictures guy yeah Charles Manson, and this woman in the front row just went like Boris Johnson then and like her and like two people around her went like

and it's such a stupid like nothing it's so nothing, it's all like and it's such a leap from Charles Manson to Boris Johnson that she just had the name Boris Johnson

it was very clear she had the name Boris Johnson in her head from the get go and she was looking for any opportunity to draw some comparison with whatever you were talking about to Boris Johnson but also it doesn't make sense because the joke that I'm saying there is I'm... Because the context in which I said it,

I just described the apocalyptic racist conspiracy theory that Charles Manson convinced people of. Helter Skelter. The joke... Helter Skelter, yeah. And the joke was the lack of solid detail in it. And then I'm saying like a nice thing

about a clearly not nice man with a not nice plan. So I'm sort of almost giving him credit by going, no, no, he's big picture. He's not details, you know. Yeah. So it doesn't then

make sense to go, well, I'm going to apply a completely, I'm going to take that phrase, big picture guy details and apply it to boris johnson and you go well in that context it doesn't it's still a compliment you're still calling him a good big picture guy yeah yes you're not even insulting him all you've done is you've heard me say negative inflection and you've gone like person i dislike well yeah letting a negative inflection do far too much of the grunt work is radio 4 through and through

that's yeah it was real radio 4 satire it's just pure it's just inflection and a few people just went and laughed like little robots and i've never seen you more angry on stage, I have to say. I've never seen you give someone less of a chance. I've never given anyone shorter shrift. Yeah, that's it. Shorter shrift. Yeah. You was just riding there, you poor lady.

This was honestly like five minutes into the entire evening. And you just... You ruined her life. I think it's safe to say you ruined her life. If you sit on like the front row or the second row, and like minutes into my routine, you're willing to just start bringing your own little satire sandwich to the picnic. It's time to...

It's time to kick your head off. Time to kick your own head off kick your own head off and one more quite recent one because it's quite useful from Alex you remember I was saying about I make up a story in my head that makes people less annoying right so if someone's chewing loudly you make up a qualifying story

as to why they're doing that horrible thing. For example, yeah. So that you hate them less, yeah. Yeah, so Alex says, Quickie mode has said that Pierre's technique of inventing stories to find people less annoying is something he may have picked up indirectly from David Foster Wallace's speech,

This is Water. Huh. Which I think he's probably right about, actually, which is how a liberal arts education provides one with the ability to choose to interpret life, like Pierre does with his Deviated Septim story. I've linked it here because it's really, really great and basically changed my

life when I listened to it as a plastic-brained 20-year-old. Wow. Koji Alex. It is very good. Okay, send that to me. I don't know it. Yeah, just search This Is Water. It's very famous. Little whatever they call those speeches they give to graduates

I think oh so it's like an actual recording of him giving it yeah yeah oh yes this is what of course the less successful sequel to This Is England there'll be more from Phil Wang tomorrow night okay so um

email here there is an email from Email Here there is an Email From Who is it from? Catherine Catherine, you're Smasherin Smashing, you know

Smashing She opens with a very nice Hello, gentlemen Oh, hello, she spun around stroking a cat Very nice, yeah But she Hello, gentlemen. Oh, hello. She spun around stroking a cat. Very nice. Yeah. But she brings it back to the theme with hello, gentlemen.

I hope you're pooing wheel. Nice. Very good. Congrats on the book, Phil. Oh, thank you, Catherine. Do get yourself a copy. For you and the cat. Yeah, go buy one for god's sake

she wants to know is Spencer Williams as much of a dickhead in real life as he seems on TV because it physically hurt me every time he spoke on

8 out of 10 cats Spencer Williams was on 8 out of 10 cats with Spencer Williams who's Spencer Williams I don't know I'm just reading

out the questions is he the guy from when were you on 8 out of 10 cats and who was on it with you is the question I've looked up Spencer Williams and I've been given Spencer Williams Jr.

who's an American actor who died in December of 1969 so he was quiet that's. I can't... So he was quiet, Catherine. That's all I can say. He was quiet. Phil, you're on 8 out of 10 cats with a g-g-g-g-ghost!

Spencer Williams... G-g-g-g-ghost! Oh! Does she mean Spencer Matthews? I think she means Spencer Matthews I think she means Spencer Matthews From Made in Chelsea Spencer Williams Jr. died in 1969 Turns out Spencer Matthews is alive and well

As far as I know And He's fine He's a nice enough guy to me I mean he's more or less what he's like on Bade and Chelsea

those shows are pretty I think they're closer to real than people think well I guess if you're filmed constantly you'll end up seeming like you seem. Yeah. But you've got to get your facts straight, Catherine. Get your fucking names right.

We nearly thought Phil was on a show with a ghost. Yeah, I was terrified for a second there. And Halloween's coming up. It's no joke. Yeah, I almost said zoinks. I was so scared. We almost had to get a priest in here. So outside my front door Some spiders have made some Webs

And And I've left them And Someone asked me Why I hadn't cleared them And I said Because it's Halloween coming up and I'll keep them for Halloween

and I'll get rid of them after Halloween and they thought that was very strange. Is that strange? They thought that was strange. That makes perfect sense to me. Okay, because it's like it's free natural decoration. Yeah, you're not one of these idiots

paying for fake cobwebs exactly whoever thought that was strange doesn't have the halloween spirit in them um so anyway katherine says this story is not about shitting myself but i think it's equally funny and definitely as traumatizing. Okay, go on. Ooh, go on. To set the scene, when I was younger, I used to do swimming ridiculously early in the morning with the local team.

The local team? My, my, my. Support your local swimming team. One cold winter's morning, aged 14, on the second day of my period I was on the way to the pool I was half asleep And not having it

Not having what? The period or the swimming? No just not having it I'm not having it I'm not having it I struggled to get my swimming cap on Never mind sticking a tampon up my vagina Or putting my dreaded contact lenses in.

So I risked it. Oh, wow. Sans tamp. Yeah. Sans tampon. Sans tampon. Which is, which, yeah, I guess swimming is one of those things that the activities that they put on the box, isn't it? To show you that you could be an active woman all month long. Yeah, of course. The activities that they put on the box, isn't it? To show you that you could be an active woman all month long. Yeah, of course.

And I suppose swimming is the ultimate challenge because there's only room for so much fluid on that tampon. And if you're literally in fluid. Yes. Right? You've lost a lot of real estate. You've lost real estate and there could be a sort of pool noodle incident pool noodle incident what if it like bursts into a pool noodle like um oh a pool noodle like those long okay i was thinking of it is there a dish called pool noodles phil no one's that asian come on

Phil, no one's that Asian. Come on. Okay, yeah. So like, yeah, you're worried like a pool, a floating device will just pop out of her vagina into the pool. It'll just become one. Yeah, it could do. I can't believe that in the context of a swimming pool, when I said pool noodle, you immediately went to food.

I think that's the sensible conclusion to come to. If you say the word noodle, are you talking about food? Yeah, well, it's all about context, you know. It's all about context, Phil. Anyway, the point is, she wasn't having it. Okay? So she risked it. She said it was all fine and dandy i avoided breast stroke i couldn't see anything and i thought i had succeeded okay great great so far so oh how

wrong i was when we finished our practice me and a couple of my mates used the cold unisex showers because there was less of a queue um Another person who happened to use the cold showers was a very cool Adonis of a 17-year-old boy. Wow. But that had absolutely nothing to do with our use of them. I guess that's a wink-wink moment? I don't know. I don't understand.

Oh, right, right, right. She's saying maybe it's because he was there. Yeah, I'm not sure. It's unclear the tone is hard to clean anyway she says anyway I was washing my hair paying no heed happy that my risk

had paid off that was until I got to the changing room and my friends promptly told me there had been a trail of blood very clearly down the inside of my leg since I got out of the pool yeah yeah and it looked like someone was murdered in the showers or in the pool and dragged to the shower yes it was impossible to miss and everyone including the gorgeous older boy had seen it so i did the obvious thing cried accidentally ripped

my tights and made my treacherous friends buy me all the chocolate money could buy thanks for the podcast it's been keeping me sane best Best wishes, Catherine. Thanks, Catherine. Thanks for sharing that wonderful story. Who done it? We still don't know who murdered that person in the pool. So she ripped her tights. What does that mean? Accidentally ripped her tights. What tights?

Maybe she cried so hard that her tights just burst into holes. So she wasn't like, and picked up a pair of tights and out of anger just hulked them apart. Just to show everyone that she's really angry. Or just put them on and sort of clawed at her

own thighs in fury. Have you ever done that, Phil? Clawed at your own thighs in fury? Not yet. But then I've not bled out of my vagina in a public swimming pool yet either well no i mean you still have your hymen yes my hymen is still intact as we have said the only reason i was allowed on virgin radio and every time every time i'm propositioned for sex i'm tempted but i go no there's more radio yeah and you look open your wallet and

there's a picture of Graham Norton in there wagging his finger and you think keep me strong Graham the most talented virgin in the biz that's right that's right that's right um well uh it's gonna halloween i suppose will have happened by the time we record the next one so maybe that will be our halloween special or something yeah have a spooky halloween everybody maybe spooky Halloween, everybody. Maybe, maybe Spencer... What was his name? Williams. Maybe Spencer Williams Jr. will turn up. Oh, and everyone will think he's Spencer Matthews.

I'd watch Made in Chelsea if it had the ghost of Spencer Williams Jr. Yeah, where's the ghost representation in all these shows? That's what I want to know. Mm-hmm. The dead. The dead outnumber the living, Phil, and they should therefore be on most shows. That's true. We do live in a democratic society,

after all. Actually, to be fair, the UK pumps out enough fucking Victorian dramas that the dead probably do outnumber the living on our TV. Yeah, actually, that's true. And how awful, I think when you have a Victorian part in a show, you should hire a Victorian actor,

whether they are dead or a ghost. Well, have a spooky hop-tune-ay, the Manx Halloween hop-tune-ay. Have a good hop tune a the manx halloween hop tune a have a good hop tune a and we'll speak to you after we've pierced we'll speak we'll speak

by the time we speak to you next listeners you'll have pierced the veil and spoken with the other side let us know what they say yeah

bye everyone or shall i say Let us know what they say. Yeah. Bye, everyone. Or shall I say, Boo! Boo, everyone. Boo, everyone. If you make your purchases while working, eating, or even listening to this show, then you know and love the excitement of the store. Si vous faites vos achats tout en travaillant, en mangeant ou même en écoutant ce balado, alors vous connaissez et aimez l'excitation du magasinage. Mais avez-vous ce frisson d'obtenir le meilleur deal?

Les membres de Rakuten, eux, oui. Ils magasinent les marques qu'ils aiment et font d'importantes économies, en plus des remises en argent. Et vous pouvez aussi commencer à gagner des remises en argent dans vos magasins préférés, comme Old Navy, Best Buy et Expedia, et même cumuler les ventes et les remises en argent dans vos magasins préférés comme Old Navy, Best Buy et Expedia, et même cumuler les ventes et les remises en argent. C'est facile à utiliser et vous obtenez vos remises par PayPal ou par chèque. L'idée est simple. Les magasins paient Rakuten

pour leur envoyer des gens magasinés. Et Rakuten partage l'argent avec vous sous forme de remise. Téléchargez l'application gratuite Rakuten et ne manquez jamais un bon deal. Ou allez sur rakuten.ca pour en avoir plus pour votre argent. C'est R-A-K-U-T-E-N.