BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 138 - Integer Sausages

Episode Date: November 17, 2021

Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie discuss mastermind, Belfast, hotel breakfasts, sectarian code, the Bible and its many lessons for us, Welsh-American pride and Wang's taste in reading Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 138. 138. It's a bumpy plate. A bumpy plate. A horrible bumpy plate. Imagine if you were eating on a plate and had bumps. That'd be horrible. That is actually... Yeah, and imagine they were like... They weren't like enormous bumps that make you think, oh, maybe this is like a kind of clever way of, you know, dividing the dish or just like a bit, just kind of bumpy, just like a badly made plate. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, it would actually have more grip. The plate would have better grip onto your food. The food would be less likely to slip around. the food would be less likely to slip around. Oh, see, I'm imagining bumps that are like irregular, like, you know, one or two inch in diameter. One or two inch in diameter. I sort of am as well.

But I guess, yeah, it wouldn't have that much of a grip benefit. It would be more unpleasant than convenient. Imagine trying to cut up a steak on a bumpy plate. That's actually a horrible idea. And then, yeah, you stick the knife down and you drag it towards you. And it's going over ridges and into valleys. Yes. Horrible. And you're like, is that bone?

Is that a piece of bone? Oh, no, it's my bumpy plate. It's my bumpy plate. And all, like, anything a bit liquidy would be sort of endlessly channeled through the valleys. Yeah, rivulets of gravy. It'd be a nightmare for you. It would just compound your already intense hate of liquid uh liquid foods yes my liquid on food yeah my uncle my hatred for what i'm gonna

what i'm gonna call uncontrolled wetness also the title of my debut porno yeah yes yes um which of course promises the least controlled wetness ever. Yeah, the runners aren't even allowed to mop up from previous takes. No, that's part of it. It's kind of like cinema verite. You can see the layers of work that go into producing it. So in some ways it's actually quite artistic. It's a continuity nightmare of course because layers of wetness sort of pop in and out but that's just part and parcel of the form

yeah yeah coffee cups disappearing and coming back um speaking of lo-fi i apologize to any pod buds listening for my quality. This week I am on the road again. I'm in Belfast. I'm in Belfast. And are you allowed to say why you're in Belfast? Yes, I participated in Celebrity Mastermind Mastermind

Only the most masterful minds Of the most celebrated celebrities Are allowed to partake Who will be the most celebrated mind? I'm not allowed to say how it went For understandable reasons But it was an interesting experience. It felt a lot like going to an exam for me.

I felt like a nerd. I was the only one who turned up with his own notes. Oh, wow. I felt like I was supposed to bring my pens and calculators in a clear case. Yeah, clear case, yes. yes you remember that the clear case to make sure you weren't bringing a bomb in or whatever bringing a bomb into your geography exam um but yeah so it films here in belfast belfast and it's a lovely town actually belfast i've only

been here once before years ago to perform quite a scary gig at the Empire Theatre. I know the gig, yeah. Yes, it's infamous. But, you know, when you're not here to perform in front of angry, drunk men, it's quite a nice visit. It's quite a nice town. Yeah.

I like the Northern Irish accent, although it is, and I know it's a cliche it is imbued with an inescapable tension there's something like today when I woke up and went down to have hotel breakfast even when the guy took my room number I felt like, what should I tell you?

I felt like he was like, what's your room number? I was like, oh, um, your room number? I was like oh um why? Who are you going to tell? And he was like and then when he got it he was like

come with me take me to the breakfast room. But the way he said it come with me I almost expected him to say after that were you followed?

I explained to him to ask me did you come alone? I explained him to ask me did you come alone they're nice that would be quite a funny if a bit obvious sketch where you go down and then in the breakfast room it's just like a

normal like loads of like you know pensioners and like families and people who are going to weddings and the usual crowd you see in a breakfast room in a hotel but they're all wearing balaclavas just popping bits of a fry up through their little mouth hole mmm

nice tea please I also think I've been to Belfast I think I think three times and I enjoy it every time but I agree

it's not so much menace as like I can tell there's stuff going on that I'm not picking up on or I get the impression there is what just like out on the street or just behind closed doors or like I know for a fact that there's all this like fucking secret code stuff that people have if they're actually from there

right like oh really oh yeah if you ever hang out with an actual northern irish person especially in northern ireland they can be like you know you see him he's he's from the catholic part of belfast and you'll be like why what how do you know that and they'd be like his shear laces are right to left it's always some some minor fucking or like the way you pronounce certain like letters of the alphabet apparently or like some certain words they just go he's catholic he's protestant or he's this he's that or they all can see stuff i can't see because i'm not i'm not used to it wow yeah yeah yeah you have to be in it to get it i guess it's man and it's unnerving because it's it's it's a version of what happens in films where like you know professor professor main character gets sent to like um poorly defined swirling middle eastern marketplace

and he can't tell whether the guy who's going, come, come with me, is like a scam artist or a mugger or really does have the amulet, you know. Yeah. It's that, but everyone's white and they're speaking English, so it's doubly sort of like, hang on a minute, I should understand all of this, and yet. And yet. And yet, I just don't know the social codes or the cues or whatever.

Yes, exactly. You're right, you're right. Yeah. Yes, yes, exactly. You're right. You're right. Yeah. Yes, yes, yes. I was handed a £10 note here because I'm doing okay, Pierre. I'm doing quite well. I was handed a £10 note.

And I'd never seen... Well, of course, the new builds as well, the gut ones, the new plastic ones that we have. Oh, yeah. But it's a Northern Irish £10 note. Because, of course, Northern Ireland is in the UK.

But they have their own notes like Scotland do. Yes. And it said, you know, pound sign 10. And then a picture of a guy with hair like Einstein. And you're like, who's that i guess they're famous in northern ireland and but like a cartoon drawing of this guy with just mad frizzy hair and on the top it said bank of ireland and it just looked like a 10 pound note with a pound symbol 10 and then bank of ireland at the top it looked like it looked like Pro Evolution Soccer had made a £10

note. It was like a fake £10 note someone made in China. They don't quite know what the UK is because they put £10 within the Bank of Ireland at the top. Or like

some prop, some money from an American thing where they've just gone, like the prop department have just been told to make some European money. Yeah, exactly, yeah. Yeah, it should be like

£10, Bank of Ireland, and then the guy with frizzy hair has got like a Turkish fez on. You know, yeah, Europe money. And then the music that you hear over it is, Oh,

yeah. And, and, and, and, but then like in a sort of accordions, you just cover every possible base, the most foreign shot in movie history.

Oh, 10 pounds bank of ireland um and is there an explanation i mean i presumably it's it's like an old thing where like it's still technically the bank of ireland from like hundreds of years ago or something or oh i didn't i didn't find out you know i mean in order for a bank to print the money it has to be an existing bank right it has to be the central bank, right? It has to be the central bank. But then the Bank of Ireland sounds like it would be the central bank of the Republic of Ireland. It does sound like that.

Maybe it's just to keep everyone happy. Yeah, it's one of those weird compromises. Maybe it's like... I wonder if it was in the Good Friday Agreement. Yeah. That they'd have £10 but they'd write Bank of Ireland on the top Yeah, so that if you're a unionist

you go, ah, £10 and you're a little annoyed but then if you're a Republican you go, £10? Oh, at least we printed it and you know, another day another day of peace Yeah, another one of peace. Yeah.

Another one of Blair's master strokes. The Bank of Ireland £10 note. I'm going to look this up. I want to know who this guy was. Okay. Northern Irish £10 note. What do you think? He will have been like he would have just been like a prominent

politician from the 1800s or something right i i don't know i'm gonna say because they they don't like that's quite controversial right even like literally any politician especially from the 1800s so i'm gonna say like oh good good call like politically a bit more neutral stuff poet architect you know yeah i think you've got it with poet you've got it with poet he now he had like he had a poet's collar on i think you've got it with poet a poet's collar you say you know that kind of collary like oh robbie burns would wear that i'm trying to color that they're always wearing in paintings of, I don't know, Samuel Peeps or whatever. I'm looking at it, and it's kind of like a Medusa guy.

Is that who you mean? That's right, yeah. His locks are snake-like, serpentine. It looks like a carving from a Roman grave or something, an ancient Roman thing. It doesn't look like an actual guy. Yeah, it looks a bit like that Minerva carving that's in those palm reading machines.

Yes, and it's the old Bushmills Distillery is the building. Ah. It looks like it's just a guy. It doesn't look like it's anything, or at least it's not telling me on the website. Interesting. Is it just like

the unknown Irishman? Like the head of medusa it is the head of medusa oh it's actually the head of medusa apparently yeah that's what it says huh wow that's when you know they couldn't come to a compromise about who to put on it we want our guy we want our guy look let's just put on Medusa that is equally foreign to all of us Medusa, fine Medusa, Medusa's pretty cool I'm going to grab some Medusa we're just going to put on

a monster and you can decide if you think that's good or not. Fine. Look, if you can't come to an agreement on this, it's going to be Pennewise the Clown from it. Alright? What would be the most neutral person just to put on all the Northern Irish banknotes?

Just Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah, because he's Jewish American, not Irish American. So that's neutral as far as the Irish are concerned, right? Yeah, that's true. He is American though. So maybe it would be best just to put on like just Confucius. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's just Confucius and that's it does belfast have i feel like belfast has a

a strong chinese community oh yeah it does as well but because i looked up and this is because i'm a caricature for lunch today i just typed into google maps chinese restaurant and you know what a lot more red pins came up than i expected yeah yeah belfast it's it seems to be like the main immigrant community in not only in northern ireland but i think ireland generally yes i think we want it we want it we want it i'm gonna look at yeah i ireland my minorities because you don't often hear about people moving to ireland do you I'm going to look at, yeah, Ireland minorities. Because you don't often hear about people moving to Ireland, do you? No, it's very much a moving from kind of country.

Yeah, one way. It's one of those, like, the Irish diaspora is larger than the Irish population, right? Yes, yeah, by quite a long way. And I guess you could say, you know, I mean, yeah, I guess Israel is similar, right? Israel would be the same. Yes. Are they the only two? Well, Israel, well, it depends on how you I mean obviously like yeah exactly historically speaking

is not the same but I mean as far as sort of a whole you know a people's nation goes well it depends though because the difference is that like the majority of Jews worldwide don't say that they're Israeli whereas all

the Irish Americans say I'm Irish yeah yeah yeah so it's not analogous really of Jews worldwide don't say that they're Israeli, whereas all the Irish-Americans say, I'm Irish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not analogous, really. Yeah. I'm just trying to think of another large American diaspora. American diaspora? Oh, Polish and German.

Hmm. You never... No American ever says they're English do they no it's rare sometimes if they have to talk about their grandparents or great grandparents they go they were English but they never say

I'm English let's go to an English pub it's weird isn't it because statistically a lot more of them should right yeah i mean yeah maybe maybe there's so many english descendant americans that it's not even worth mentioning like it's too obvious yeah they're more likely to say scottish or irish or even Welsh sometimes.

That's a rare thing, isn't it? Where you discover some Americans who are really into their Welsh identity. That's a real pleasure, I think. A real pleasure? Yeah, I love that. Pleasure. It's a pleasure for my... It's a pleasure to hear of your Welsh ancestry.

I find that a real pleasure because I know that they aren't getting any fucking credit for it at all. The Welsh? No, the person. In America, it's cool to be Irish or Scottish. You get a kilt, you get to pop around on St. Patrick's Day, you can go Occi the New or whatever.

You get nothing for being Welsh. What's the marketing for the Welsh in America? You got Tom Jones and kind of Michael Sheen, but not really. That's it. Catherine Zeta-Jones. Yeah, a bit. But even then, I'd say most of them wouldn't even know where she's from. No one gets their dick sucked in America for saying they're Welsh.

Put it that way. No one gets their dick sucked for being Welsh in Wales. Especially not there. Especially not there. That would be outrageous if that worked. Yeah, so whenever any American is like, oh, my Welsh heritage, I always think like, oh, great, you actually really are interested in your own,

I don't know, family history, the culture of Wales, the language. Whereas if they just go, ha, Irish heritage heritage what they mean is i live in boston or they i support the celtics or i like drinking they don't mean anything sincere it's never sincere scottish pretty much the same thing um german they often just mean octoberfest whereas with wel, it's got to be sincere because what else is there in the American culture? You know, I watched... I was in New York when the Euros finals happened this year, England versus Italy. And so I went to a sports

bar and watched it. And it was packed out with Americans with England shirts and Americans with Italian shirts. And so there were some sort of rather quiet English associating Americans there. But the Italian-Americans were amazing. They were like straight out of The Sopranos. Like if an Italian player got knocked over, they'd be like,

What are you, fucking patootamato? What are you, come on, ref? What are you, ref? some kind of galubangana come padudi poodi and there's throwing in all this like new york italian stuff but shouting about the italy for italy football team it was great what are you a gabagunu i always wonder if those words are like words that no one initially uses or if they do, like they use them like a hundred years ago or like only in Sicily or what's going on. I mean,

a lot of what's in the Sopranos is Sicilian because they, they take off the final vowel at the end of the words. So instead of Madonna, they say Madone. Interesting. Stuff like that. Yeah. So that's,

that's the, that's a Sicilian connection is taking off the vowel at the end. Okay. Okay. Yeah, it's an interesting one, that. Yeah, because, I mean, yeah, that's probably something that Italians get quite annoyed about, where someone's like, hey, like this, and they're basically saying, like, because it's so Sicilian, it's the equivalent of saying haggis to someone from London, right?

Like, it's so specific, the food. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Someone's just like, oh, I'm from London. Like, hey, I love that haggis, you guys, and the bagpipes. Ha, ha, ha. I had breakfast here in Belfast, obviously, and not a stereotype, but they did have two forms of cooked bread available next to each other.

Nice. But how much potato, Phil? One was a potato scone. One was a potato bread. Yeah. And the other was a soda bread. Mmm. Yeah, it was like a white soda bread.

I thought soda bread was like a brown kind of thing. Yeah, I think it can be both. How did you find the potatoes going? I think if they're done well, they can be great. Lovely, quite sweet. I mean, it didn't feel good for me. It was like someone had deep fried the bun of a McDonald's burger. A bit nicer than that.

A bit crunchier. Yes, I see. I know what you mean. And did the menu call it a full Irish breakfast? Oh, there wasn't a menu, Pierre. It was get to the buffet, bare hands, take what you can and get out. Get out.

Take what you can and get out. Get out. And did you manage to... Take me through it, because you and I have had hotel breakfasts together before. Did you go for multiple visits?

You know? Yeah, you know me too well. I clocked up two visits, Pierre. I'm ashamed up two visits, Pierre. Nice. I'm ashamed to say. But it's because I went heavy on the scrambled eggs on my first visit and left with a chunk of scrambled egg to eat. I thought I can't have this nude.

It needs to be accompanied. So I got another triangle of soda bread and another small sausage. Yes. soda bread and another small sausage yes those size of hotel breakfast sausages where you can you can eat the perfect amount of sausage because you can you can um that you can be so precise that they're just that right size of sausage they're small so you can just sort of by increments eat your way up to the perfect amount of sausage in your body because when they're very big proper sausages like often you'll you'll want two and a half or one and a half or but with these small hotel sausage you can have you can your amount of sausage intake can be comprised of full length

sausages complete integer sausages i think that's the brand actually, integer sausages. Integer sausages, yeah. Get them into your mouth. Integer sausages. Put them into your mouth. That's threatening again. Put them into your mouth. But you'd do it. You would it you would you would they're resistible

they don't let you resist i'm um yes i i it's difficult to get the right amount of of sausage and it's difficult to get um if you're if you're not early to it you don't get the crisp bacon on top. You get the wet pink flaps. Wet, shiny bacon. Shiny, soggy, floppy. Yep, with the strips of fat still in original condition. Still raw, wet fat. Yeah, like steamed to the gelatinousness. Steamed, yeah. Like wet fat. Yeah, like steamed to the gelatinousness. Steamed, yeah.

Like boiled fat. Yeah, yes, it is. Yeah, it really is. Healthy steamed bacon fat. Soggy. On the reddest, pinkest bacon, but with the texture of like the middle of a steak. You know what I mean? Oh, God. Unfortunately, I do know what i mean oh god unfortunately i do know what you mean soggy soggy uh soggy floppy and shiny three of the least popular dwarves

except for in some quarters the most popular oh yeah so soggy the dwarf is... He's a problem because he refuses to explain why he's soggy. Could be perfectly innocent, but it could be really horrible. It's impossible to know. Soggy the dwarf. Another possible title for your series of pornos. Are you...

So it's literally a flying visit for you to Belfast. Go in, be a mastermind, leave. Enter Northern Ireland. Master my mind. Leave Northern Ireland. That's the schedule. And are you going to, have you got a sort of plan re the airport? Are we going to get there early and avail ourselves of stuff?

Are you going to rush through? I like to plan airports. Well, it's all like, because it's a tv production they don't take any chances they they you know they book the car for you they make sure you're in it they want to know exactly where you are all the time so they so yeah i'm getting picked up at like four or something and then and then off to the airport back tonight back in time for late dinner and maybe even a glass of scotch nice Nice. Very nice. Scotch egg. I like to blend up some scotch egg and just down it as a nightcap. A glass of Scottish eggs.

It's funny, isn't it? Scotch egg is one of the few examples where I think it feels less offensive to say scotch rather than more. Yes. Yes. What is the problem with scotch anyway it's just what's it it's it's very like victorian and old-fashioned and it's it's sort of um i think it's just associated with speaking contemptuously about scottish people as if they're this kind of kind of a subservient kind of naughty race yeah like it's always i mean hardline scots and they exist believe it or not

hardline scots they won't even call like they won't even call scotch whiskey scotch they say it's whiskey yes yes they're part of the a community of scots who are determined to try and portray themselves as innocent, deeply screwed over victims of imperialism as opposed to active participants. But now, Scotch is still, it's rude. I mean, if you see it in Victorian, stuff set in the Victorian times, it's always like some English guy with huge sideburns saying the thing about the Scotch is that they're too they love to be cold

they just don't like being indoors you know it's always some insane like Victorian race theory happening directed at Scottish people but I think it would be it would feel more pointed at this point to say a Scottish egg would you like a Scottish egg.

Would you like a Scottish egg? These are how eggs are had in Scotland, would be the sort of implication of what you're saying. Yeah, they come out covered in sausage meat. They do terrible things to the chickens to ensure it. They just feed them integer sausages all day. They feed them integer beaks. Until they lay scotch eggs.

Yeah. Then someone's like, do they feed them breadcrumbs as well? Don't be stupid. That's actually very bad for birds. Yeah, never do that. Never feed birds bread. It'll make them inflate. How many decades were we feeding ducks and other birds bread before someone went, you know, this is bad?

I mean, it feels like 60 years or something. Also, it's not like the numbers dropped it's not like there was this great accidental cull of ducks they're all still here are we just like have you got to the point of civilization where we literally don't give ducks gluten intolerance is that where we're at like oh no they're fine but they feel a bit bloated they need a yogurt afterwards it's like okay well who cares they're ducks have we hit that point of compassion in our society yeah i with it yeah i think you're was there there didn't seem to be a dip in the duck population or are we just not duck aware enough maybe someone just took them flying south for the winter too personally.

Where are you going? What did we do? Before their eyes dropped to the bread in their hands and they thought, I see. And then shouting after them, when you come back, it will be different. We can change. There won't be any more of this. They're kind of flopping the baguette.

Throwing it to the ground and then crushing it under the heel of their boot into the snow. I didn't know. And then they throw it onto the lake in disgust and the birds start pecking it and they go no fuck I have so much to unlearn I've literally fucked a duck

fuck a duck I've actually done it I thought it was a saying, but it's what I was living. Boy. I understand where fuck a duck comes from, because it rhymes. Fuck a duck. But where does Christ on a bike come from? Christ on a

bike? Where does that come from? Why? Why a bike? I suppose on a bike, he'd be even more shocking. Yeah, I guess so. I suppose, yeah, I suppose you're already sort of thinking oh my god that's he's he's back and then he's risen he's risen but then on a bike you think he's risen and and he's been busy he's risen and he's rad is he doing like bmx tricks and like he cycles on water nice I suppose he'd have to

he'd be doing sweet kickflips off waves and stuff you know what you know being quite into wine as I am now it's gotten so bad that I generally from time to time think you know when Jesus turned water into wine? Do you think it was any good?

What wine do you think it was? Was it full-bodied? Was it a Bordeaux blend? Was it Old Vine, I guess, presumably? Yes, Old Testament Vine. Old Testament Vine. That's a good point. Well, actually, you know what?

Isn't there that thing where he turns the water into wine because it's at the wedding party and the guy didn't have enough wine or something? Yeah, one of Jesus' more fun miracles. Yeah, very fun. And that's pretty trivial. Pretty trivial. Like, someone's wedding.

He just thought this wedding's a bit lame. No, it's because they ran out of wine and it was going to be a big problem. Yeah, but I sort of like, compared to lepers, it just seems a little less pressing. It was... I can't remember the full context, but the point is that there is a feedback on the wine

in the story. Oh, is there? Yes, because the guests say to the host you're you know whatever you're brilliant or whatever because he brings up the the magic wine and everyone drinks it and he says oh most hosts say give you the best wine first and then they give you plonk after you're drunk because you don't notice but you've saved this amazing stuff to last. Right. Interesting. So it's a good, well, even then,

people were using good wine first and bad wine later. Even then. It's in a tale as old as time. I genuinely never felt so connected to the Bible as I do in this moment. So it's literally the oldest trick in the book except the book is the bible ah it is the oldest you know we like to think that we've progressed so much in these millennia but really we're the same people that freaks me out sometimes and i go oh fuck we're actually we're the same people it's horrifying isn't it and in fact you know there's another Bible quote.

We've just written less down. That's the only difference. We've written less down. It's King Solomon. There's nothing new under the sun, Phil. Yes. But at night, all kinds come out to play. That's a

very, like, kind of nominally, that's like a like kind of nominally that's like a guy from 300 years ago who's trying to sort of imply that he runs some sort of orgy club or something King Solomon

said there's nothing new under the sun but when the sun is gone all sorts of novelties emerge, pleasures of the night. King Solomon should have stayed up later. I recently

found out that one of my favorite sayings, which is, This too shall pass, is from a Hebrew story, or an old Jewish story about I can't remember now, but something to the effect of a king asked a jeweler

to create something that would make a sad man happy and a happy man sad a sick man well, and a well man sick, and he went away and he just inscribed a bracelet that said, a sick man well, and a well man sick. And he went away and he just inscribed a bracelet that said, this too shall pass. That sounds about right, yeah.

Yeah. And this too shall pass is just, it works so well. Every time I feel bad now, I'm like, oh, but in a while it won't be bad. And it always works out away it's it's um it's a shame isn't it that so many of the wisest things sound obvious and stupid when you're young yeah you're oh why is this finished will this ever end

yeah but there's some good stuff in them books there's also some fucking crackers stuff that you mustn't pay any attention to but But there's also some good stuff. Your use of the word mustn't is really fun there. You really mustn't listen to this. Like the bit where you have to kill a rival tribe and then circumcise the corpses and leave them in a big pile. Yeah, that's not as catchy. I don't live by that edict quite as much as this too shall pass. Yeah, although if you were having to circumcise corpses,

it's helpful to think this will end. I won't be circumcising corpses for my whole life. This is just something I have to do now. Yeah, and all that stuff about the appropriate punishment for someone who doesn't hold the door open for you is that you enslave their daughter. I reckon I'd probably skip that stuff. It's also quite funny.

You know the whole thing of it it's pretty airtight treat others as you want to be treated right yeah it's pretty airtight but what is fun is if you if you assume that everyone is already behaving like that then you can be very rude to rude people because you're like well then that's what you want isn't it but you have to start with the presumption that they are behaving as if they would as as how they'd like to be treated but obviously that's not the case yeah yeah yeah it's also like it's a tough one if you are um interacting with a sadomasochist. Yes, because either they're going to enjoy whatever it is, but what if, Phil, tragically, you're a sadomasochist

who's not willing to dish it out? Ah, right, yeah. And you want others to do unto you what you won't do unto others. Yes, yeah. And you want them to do it unto you so hard do it unto me that's what they say when they're strapped up against the wall yeah and they do it do it unto me unto me

they're saying they're saying they're trying to emphasize how willing they are to turn the other cheek so you can hit the other cheek not because they forgive you necessarily just because they want more very tough to be a biblical sadomasochist in some senses have you read the St. James the King James Bible I have read

a lot of the Bible I can't vouch for whether or not every time it was a King James version. I think I should just... Right, sorry. You know, which has the most interesting version of the language, I think. I think a lot of the modern, simplified versions of the Bible are horseshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're pretty nice.

I feel like I should just sit down. It's one of those books I think you just like you should just sit down and get through although I feel like it will have a bit of a Seinfeld effect because it is the originator of so many well the King James

Bible English phrases but also narrative what's the word? Devices? Devices and cliches and tropes that you go, oh, this is all a bit hack. But of course,

it was the first one. Yeah, that's true. And also, I guess, there's interesting stuff. Maybe you just do the New Testament. There's a lot of the Old Testament, which is people begatting other people. Yeah. The first five pages is just ancestry.com for Abraham.

You just have to read his ancestry.com results for like half an hour. Yeah. Yeah. You can find out some interesting stuff. I think of the Gospels 2, don't mention virgin birth. Don't mention the

virgin birth. That's my favorite scene in Fawlty Towers. Which doesn't mention virgin birth? I think it's Mark and john right like of the sort of four gospels that describe the birth of christ two of the four don't mention that it was a virgin birth they don't make a point of it oh interesting i wonder what goss they had well of the of the gospels they were the ones going like, if you believe John. Look, I'm not saying she isn't a virgin, but I'm not going to say she is, if you know what I mean.

Which ones is it? Virgin birth not mentioned. Yeah, there's interesting stuff in it. And like you say, I think, you know. Oh, here we go. The New Testament. Except for the two accounts of the birth of Jesus in St. Matthew and St. Luke, the New Testament does not mention the virgin birth anywhere. Interesting.

It's kind of like how in Casablanca he never says, play it again, Sam. Oh, does he not? No, he never says it. oh does he not no he never says it it's one of these uh imagined tropes and uh no imagined tropes imagined uh uh quotes but yeah and mary wasn't actually a virgin maybe maybe sorry sorry if i'm gonna be dan brown over here but maybe the Bible's not everything it purports to be. Pump the brakes, Dawkins. Man, I love Dan Brown. Dan Brown got me reading, you know.

When I was a teenager, I'd read, and I don't exaggerate, every Dan Brown book that he'd published. Every single one. Angels and Demons, The Da Vinci Code, Digital Fort published. Every single one. Angels and Demons. The Da Vinci Code. Digital Fortress. The other one.

I read them all. And this is how much of a Dan Brown dork I am. Digital Fortress is the best one. That's right. No one talks about it. No one even heard of Digital Fortress. But it's actually better than the Da Vinci Code. Wow. but it's actually better than the Da Vinci code. Wow.

Phil, if only we could see a kind of frozen in time comparison between you now, which I'm going to call fine wine Phil, and teenage Phil rocking out to Kid Rock and plowing through Dan Brown. Listening to the kid and reading the brown, baby. The only thing I love... Just give me a room, a glass of Coca-Cola, a good brown, and put on the kid. Yeah.

I like two things. Illuminati conspiracies that involve the Vatican and songs about the old watering hole. Those are the two things I like. But you know what? And I... I got a bit short of an egg there.

I can actually chart my progression as a reader. Yeah. Because I read... I didn't really like books. I certainly didn't like fiction. Yeah. Up until, like, my teens, really. And then I read Dan Brown, and I loved it. And I read... I didn't really like books. I certainly didn't like fiction up until like my teens really. And then I read Dan Brown and I loved it.

And I read, I started reading more books. And I graduated from uni having read a lot more very good books. And Dan Brown wrote a new book called The Lost Symbol. And I read five pages and I could not continue. It was unreadable. It was literally the man walked into the room and looked up at the high ceiling where the shiny gold imagery made him think of gold. And it's just like, what? I couldn't do it.

And yeah, it really, you know but that's but that's impressive isn't it because it does mean that like like it's it's kind of reassuring in the sense that it's basically proof that like like art like art exists and can be good or bad yes and also that you can sort of you can work your way up it to an extent yes to a degree yeah to degree. I guess a level where it becomes subjective and about taste. But there's also, there are also hierarchies of quality, even in something as subjective as art. Yes, yes.

I remember, do you ever remember, this is niche, like, I mean, he died, you know, 10, 15 years ago. There's an art critic called Brian Sewell. I don't, I'm not familiar enough. So he was quite camp and arch

and they used to do impressions of him on Dead Ringers, the TV show, and maybe the radio show as well. And he sort of speak like this and he was very sort of like, he was incredibly, incredibly like old fashioned in terms of art. Like it was all just like fine art, opera, classical music,

portraits, oils, statues, the old-school stuff. And he was very like, you know, tie, waistcoat, tweeds sort of thing. Very, very old-fashioned. Very camp. he he would say you know all modern art is just trash and fashion you know things like that whatever but they tried to do a prank on him and two other art critics for some reality show i was reading about it the other day and they painted they got like a monkey or a dog or

something to just paint a load of nonsense. And they showed it to Brian Sewell and these two other more fashionable art critics. And the other two were like, yeah, it's great. The form is really interesting. And I could see what the artist is doing. And Brian Sewell was just like, bang on, basically going, there's no humanity in these brushstrokes. They're not driving at anything. It's hollow. It's useless and whatever.

So the prank didn't even work on him. good good man yeah smashed it it's like well it's like when you watch that uh that vodka sommelier yeah yes and it works and you didn't believe that you could taste the difference between vodka but this guy was like this is the good one this is the bad one yeah i i find it very reassuring because you do always worry that it's just a massive everything is just someone making it up for themselves and that it's there's no objectivity in anything to any degree and it's all just like whatever you think yeah um but it's nice to have a an implication every now and then that there is something more solid than that out there something less post-modern and make it up yourself yeah something you can grasp something you can

grab a hold of something you can get. Something you can grab a hold of. Something you can get your teeth into, Pierre. Get your teeth into it. Get your teeth into it like an integer bloody sausage. I can't believe we've finally come up with a new product, a new consumable product. It's been a long time since we devised Lucky Kentucky, but now we finally have something to wash

down with Lucky Kentucky into just sausages. And coming soon into just sausages with a Lucky Kentucky glaze. Oh, wow. Of course. Delish. It's a GoPro. Lucky Kentucky.

Gosh. Well, Phil. I better uh lucky kentucky yeah gosh well phil well i i better get out yeah you've got to get out country all right well not the country the nation what would you call northern ireland nation the devolved territory yeah i'm not sure but you say the four nations of the uk don't you yeah but it's because you can there There's the people who are like, oh, well, I'm Irish, but I'm a unionist or whatever. Like, it's a whole thing. Okay. I don't know. Best not to get into it and just to say,

it's time to leave the island of Ireland, the bit that is governed by the UK. Please, forgive me. Goodbye. Did you see that guy on Question Time a few months ago when he was like, why don't the people on Ireland, so, you know, the people in Northern Ireland, people in the Republic of Ireland, you know, they live on the same island of Ireland. Why don't they just combine it to make one Ireland?

Yes, I remember. And everyone's looking at him like, have you been paying attention for the last 40 years? And this guy, and I felt so sorry for him because he just, and of course, you know, to be fair to him, you know, if you're born today, you'd be like, well, yeah, why not? Why aren't they all just living in one island? That seems a pretty convenient border to draw. But this guy was just like, I don't get it. Why aren't they just one country? It's amazing to just Philomena-cunk yourself

like that. Perfect. So perfect. Smokey smokey. Okay, well have a safe flight, man. And thank you for listening, everyone. Enjoy some integer sausages. Yum, yum, yum. Integers in your mouth. Integer mouths. Bye-bye.

Bye.