BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 14 - BudPolitics!

Episode Date: May 29, 2019

Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie do a little ramble about the European elections, we discuss Liz Truss being a Cheese Idiot, lots of correspondence, BudPod finds a possible sponsor, more Bread Words, we shit all over backronyms, the possibility of a live show, people are guessing about the Slow Pooer or “The Stink”, snowy Malaysia, being made of 100% bone skellington and the fact that America’s politics is basically our politics VS demons. Give us an UBER five stars on iTunes, subscribe and share us please! Get in touch: @thebudpod on Twitter or [e-mail] Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's episode 14. If every episode we'd done, Phil, was a day, we'd have a fortnit's worth. A fortnit's worth of absolute bloody good pods. That's right. A fortnit's worth of pods, please, me lord. Not till you've tilled the sound farm. I don't know, I wasn't around then. Hi listeners, hi pod buds, hope you've had a good week Did you enjoy the European elections

I love them I was amazed that Turnout was as high As it was even though it was Still obviously crushingly low Given how It was only recently pointed out to me That the total

number of people who voted for the Brexit party who have made surely like the most astonishing victory in European election history must be the largest majority. The total number of people who voted for them is still less

than the number of people who signed the online petition to revoke Article 50. Yeah. Because it's one of those elections where the only people who bother to vote are absolute maniacs one way or the other but this one around is different right this one is like it was like ref two well this time it's different because normally it's only the anti-eu maniacs who want to vote because they hate it so much. Yeah. Whereas now, and the people who are pro-EU are lazy because they go, I'm so pro-EU, I don't care if I engage properly with this democratic process.

And now, like you say, it's being treated as a kind of substitute referendum. And it's put the wind up everyone. Everyone's got wind up themselves. Oh, it's great. Tories' worst result for 200 years. Labour decimated. It was an absolute gift to um any hater of the main two parties yes which is both of us i guess we we tell we text each other about we text each other about election results

like how i imagine other men text each other about football. I think so. Or how a certain type of person texts their friend about K-pop. Do K-pop results come in live? They must do. They probably live stream their haircuts or something. Yeah, or like they live stream being strapped into... I mean, I'm basing this off the few images of K-pop I have seen. Being strapped into Edward Scissorhands kind of outfits sometimes like really like

cyberpunk looking stuff sometimes it's very Johnny Depp a lot of their looks yeah it is Johnny Depp young anemic Johnny Depp yeah they're very pale boys very pale boys classic Asian problem of wanting to be white all the time you must have caught in South Africa skin whitening products.

Yeah, it is a thing in Africa, but I think it's... It might be less of a thing in South Africa. I'm not sure. I know it's a thing in West Africa, but maybe in South Africa it's like, no, we know white people. They're over there. Yeah, I guess so. There's fucking loads of them around. And we're not trying to be them yeah we wouldn't want to try

to we spent ages doing the opposite of that yeah yeah so maybe maybe it's a bit stronger the whole the whole black is beautiful movement in in South Africa I don't know but then suspiciously it's huge in India oh yeah the skin whitening stuff who aren't exactly unfamiliar with white people either yeah but maybe modern I guess modern Indians probably are less so yeah it's been a while i guess and they were never like quarter of the population 10 percent of the population in malaysia but that's because chinese people are obsessed with being light-skinned yeah it seems to be a real like uh i i never worked in the fields thing yeah absolutely yeah you're not a peasant because you how long will it take how long will it take malaysia Malaysia and India and everywhere else to reach the Western thing

where it's like, actually, the more time you can spend in the sun, the richer you are? Never. Well, I guess, yeah, because sun isn't a commodity, is it? No, and it's not rare. Unless climate change goes a whole new direction. If anything, the sun will be less popular on the equator. Yeah. God, imagine a snowy Malaysia.

Ugh, doesn't bear thinking about. Those are frozen spiders. Ugh. God. Just garbage in the snow. What? Drains frozen over. Christ. Loads and loads of mopeds getting stuck in the ice. Yeah. Yeah. drains frozen over Christ

loads and loads of mopeds getting stuck in the ice yeah yeah like mopeds with like chains on the wheels oh my god like Mad Max weaving in and out of traffic hell rider

what's the guy with the Nicolas Cage played him the guy ghost rider ghost rider but he's not a ghost he's a Skellington yeah

he's an on ghost, he's a skeleton. Yeah. He's an on-fire skeleton. That's not what ghosts look like. This is how the listeners find out that Pierre pronounced a skeleton, skeleton. He always pronounced a skeleton, skeleton. This is the first time it's come up somehow. Yeah. I've always just said, bone man. Trying to avoid it.

When he gets an x-ray, Pierre goes, oh, so that's my... how's my skeleton doing? Is my skeleton good? Have I got one of the good skeletons? I don't think I've ever had an x-ray. Like a proper one. I've had like teeth ones. I had a chest x-ray. Because I thought I cracked a rib. But I hadn't. But...

You've broken your heart. I've broken my heart. But I had mild scoliosis you what now I've got a very slight wobbly spine

mild scoliosis yeah he's a jazz trumpeter from the 50s that's hard to say mild scoliosis he's referenced

he's referenced by Louis Armstrong in that interview here comes Miles he yeah they talk about him when he's improvising.

Old Miles laid the tracks. Now he's coming back. That's the old-fashioned shout-outs. I used to listen to only that kind of music when I was a teenager. Yeah. And, like, you know how rappers now will reference

other rappers in their songs yeah i think that's a new thing yeah people like elvis gerald was like referencing frank tonatrend it's it's always been going on forever hasn't it yeah yeah that's what it's like sampling basically you took little bits out of each other's songs and threw them about yeah you can hear like a jazz recording from you know 1910 and there's a bit where they suddenly just go into twinkle twinkle little star just to freak everybody out yeah yeah and the loser minds yeah the more i learn about the history of music which is in little bursts because i'm not very good at it but um is the more i learn that everything is just the same it's always been the case yeah i have i once had an argument with someone

who was going on about how all music now was bad. It was an old guy. All music's bad and it's good when I was around. Except he was around during punk and stuff. Which is shit. This is the worst music that's ever been made. Well, even if that weren't true

or were true, the point is that I kept saying to him does it not strike you as a coincidence that the best music in history was out when you were in your twenties? Don't you think that seems odd? And he was like no and I was like okay but don't you remember when people the age you are now said that about the music

in the 80s or 70s or whatever when you were young and he said yeah I do remember that and I go well what does that tell you? And he was like no but I'm right. This sounds like the thickest, I do remember that. And I go, well, what does that tell you? He was like, no, but I'm right. This sounds like the thickest man I've ever heard of. I think his head was just bone. He's a literal bonehead. He was a bonehead.

His skeleton was solid all the way through. He had a solid skeleton. Doctor, I think I've got a solid skeleton. I think my skeleton is just a skeleton all the way through. It's just solid all the way through. There's no gaps in it for the organs. What do I do? I guess you...

What would you do in that... Extreme sports, I guess. Boxing? MMA? Maybe you do the... Maybe you do the skeleton. That was... That was Miles Scoliosis's dance that he invented.

Do the skeleton. Would it make you lighter or heavier being all bone? Must make you. That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was

That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was

That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was

That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was

That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was

That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was

That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was

That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was

That was That was That was That was That was That was That was That was some solid skeleton situation we've conjured up. I imagine the marrow stay the same, but the rest is just

the white bone. And you're still alive. And you're still alive for some reason. You're still alive. I guess, yeah, bone and all the calcium and minerals and stuff. It's porous. Isn't it light? Because it's liquid that's heavy. But it's porous

because there's stuff in it, right? We're heavy because we're 70% water, isn't yeah maybe that's true look we're getting away from the topic at hand here the euro elections were good yeah that's how this started somehow um yes i like them a lot and i like uh i love democracy and i love going to the polling station and do you love democracy i'm falling out of love with democracy i i love i love um i love the idea of people i you know what i like seeing it in action yeah i like that i don't like i feel really bad if i go to a polling station and i'm on my own i don't see anyone else yeah then it almost feels like i'm the only voter and i still go that's not good i mean i'll win

but that's not good for the rest of the country my polling station every time i go it's um it's me yeah and then everyone else is twice my age and it's boring the volunteers with the stuff they like the two and you know it's all they're it's all they care about that's all they talk about and think about and then there's me they're like old people who are at a concert for for like an old band yeah I remember voting back in 1970 but then again you and I would see those people

because it's us and pensioners who have the time at 3 in the afternoon or 10am to go to the polling station we voted at pension o'clock

yeah that's definitely the case I saw a load of builders come to vote which is nice or like in a pack a big gang

what's the collective noun for a whistle? A whistle of builders? A whistle of builders is good. A harassment. A harassment of builders. A harassment of builders. A stereotype of builders. A white van of builders.

Yeah. A vest of builders. Something like that. Okay. It was nice. A catcall. I think it's a catcall of builders. A catcaller, yeah. A catcall of builders. Yeah, that. Okay. It was nice. I think it's a catcaller builder. A catcaller, yeah.

A catcaller builder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, like in an uplifting movie about some rural part of England during a difficult time in the 80s. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. They're striding boldly down the road. Like the cavalry, just when everything seems lost the macho men have been convinced

to help out with the local crocheting team exactly one group is and the other group is the opposite of but they're going to have to work together in the British class system to help

and it's niche because Britain doesn't get to make as many films as America but it's our version in the British class system to help. Blah, blah, blah. And it's niche because Britain doesn't get to make as many films as America, but it's our version of Save the Community Center from the evil rich kid's dad. Yeah. It's always like some abstract

British government force is coming to take whatever away. And the working class Yorkshire gruff people have to team up with the, you know, avocado flavoured fucking people who are mincing around in a camp way but aren't gay. And they're all blah, blah, blah. No matter how different people seem, they're all actually decent.

And Maggie Smith will say something cunty but everyone laughs about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. and Maggie Smith will say something cunty but everyone laughs about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or there'll be, the humour will be that kind of like absolute dog shit, like doctor's waiting room humour.

Of just like, well, we better show them what for, or whatever. And it's from a character who's like really weedly in a wheelchair, like an old, an ancient lady. And everyone goes,

ha, ha, ha, ha. It wasn't funny, was it? You're laughing just because, oh, Nana. Nana said something. Which is a type of comedy you and I both hate. Absolutely. Nana said. Old Nana said com.

Old Nana said com is the worst com, in my opinion. God's sake. What's going on? Why are we out here? Sorry, man. We're going to have to shut the club down. You know, there's a... Why? It's only 10pm. There's a swarm of bees in there. You know, just look through the glass there.

A swarm of bees? Oh. Oh, my. Are those the bees? They're beautiful Ooh, I did the Hay on Why Festival

Philosophy Festival How the Light Gets In Which for all you squares out there who've heard of the Hay Literary Festival this is the rebel festival from just down the lane. Yeah, put on by a bunch of philosophers in leather jackets who are smoking.

Yeah, playing dice in the alleyway, even though Officer Kaprinsky keeps telling us not to. Or does he? I'm a philosopher. I was in the arena. I was in the arena tent. I had to fight everyone. I was in the arena. Thank you if you came.

Oh, and this is where someone walked past me and quietly whispered, keep jacking it, and then disappeared into the darkness. Before I could see who it was. They melded into the crowd like Assassin's Creed. Pulled up a hood and just walked out into a sea of philosophers.

Oh, if listeners could keep up the habit of now whispering the instructions of assaulting me in the street I'm saying keep jacking it to Phil hijacking it, keep jacking hijacking, keep jacking not hijacking, keep jacking me

what did they look like? I've no idea wow this was a real assassin attack. Well, because I didn't really hear it the first time. The person I was walking with, our friend Alex Keeley, who books the comedy at the festival, said, did you hear that guy said keep jacking it?

I was like, what? Ah! God, that's funny. I was in that tent after and here's quite the warm up act Liz Truss Liz Truss was the show before me

Liz Truss trying out some of her blue her blue cheese Liz Truss might be familiar to you for being very very angry that Britain only produces 40% of its own cheese? Or imports 80% of

its cheese? Dear listener, if you have not seen this clip, it is pretty special. It's Liz Truss, the cheese idiot, making a baffling speech but like, speaking, she talks like a baby in that speech.

She talks like a child. Her eyes are like a baby who has seen a particular colour of light for the first time. And she's both confused, animated, and angry. But she sort of almost stumbles over her words. Yeah, she almost sort of says things like, It is absolutely ridiculous that we do-ba-do-ba-do. And she's speaking like a little baby, but she's angry.

She definitely went off-piste. I met someone... She's screaming about cheese. Please look it up and watch it, because it is very funny, and also makes you want to poo. Horrible. Horrible, horrible to watch. It is scary and hilarious.

I met someone who worked for the Tories on their campaigns and she said no one had any idea Liz Truss was going to do that people were like what is she doing so she's on stage going this thing about the cheese and then people are just vomiting in buckets backstage

from stress campaign managers go oh no and what she said was we import vomiting in buckets backstage from stress. Campaign managers go, oh no! And what she said was, we import like 80% of our cheese. And she takes this beat and goes, that is a disgrace! She gets angry

about it than you've seen anyone get angry about anything. But it's like bad, fake anger. It's horrible. Her face realises she's angry too late. Yes, she's still smiling in a really creepy baby anything but it's like bad fake anger it's right yeah yeah it's horrible like her face realizes she's angry too late yes she's still like smiling in a really creepy like baby booby way um it's it's like a robot it's like a robot has just learned the emotion of anger yeah which and it's that kind of yeah like like like the way you'd fake being angry to a little child despite it not like when it's like it's like you're not fake being angry to a little child, despite it not...

It's like you're not really being angry. It's not actually important, but you just figure the kid needs to learn. That is a disgrace. Ooh, that really hurt. Yeah, that cheese import statistic really hurt, actually. None of the cheese that could have gone in my eye is British enough.

Yeah, she's just a lunatic. And people thought she was going to run for Tory leader and then she was relatively quickly had to be like, no, no, I'm not going to do that. Like there was a, she made an ambiguous statement and basically the whole world kind of went, the cheese idiot? And she went, no, I've decided to just wait, actually.

So she did like a talk, a very boring talk on the stage to a tenfold of people. And I dropped in to watch a bit. Yeah. Because I was just like, how is this going to work? And she said very, very boring things. And she opened it up for questions, which is obviously what everyone's there for. And started going up. And what I simultaneously disliked and really respected

about her was she's quite rude to people yeah if they're annoying asking questions she'll be rude to them which I always think

is what politicians should do more of on question time yes because there are some fucking idiots out there who need to be told

to shut up yeah and that they're wasting everyone's time yeah and like there was she got a couple of questions

from a couple of um questions from a couple of guys near the front and they were pretty uh pretty neutral just asking like about technical details and she was like yeah she was taking a question in a group of three and then answering them later and then the third was this lady at the bank who stood up holding a notepad and everyone's like oh fuck she's been writing these what a scoop yeah and she's going well first of all and everyone's like

for god's sake and she starts you know she starts saying I take I take the things she was saying were not completely

invalid I take issue what you've said about the gig economy and young people's work ethic the young people I know are actually very hard working blah blah blah so there and secondly and like you think okay that's a fair enough point The gig economy and young people's work ethic, the young people I know are actually very hardworking.

Blah, blah, blah. So there. And secondly, you think, okay, that's a fair enough point. It's one that we're aware of. And also, this is a question session, so ask a question. None of these are questions. And she made on a couple more sort of sassy points. She's got a couple of clips.

And then she sat down with a loaded question that was effectively like, so when are you going to stop being a twat? Whatever it was. And she sat down, and then Liz Truss answered the first couple of questions, and when she got to her, said, well, as we all heard your speech, your little speech there, she basically said your little speech there,

and she said, it's quite rich, rich actually what you've said about employment as statistics as under the our government employment's actually risen and then the woman starts going it's about the quality of employment and Liz goes no I've heard what you've had to say and that kind of thing I, ooh, that's rude and unpleasant. And on one level, I do like you less now, Liz Truss. But also, I kinda admire that. Do tell people to shut up. Well, the ideal scenario is someone who has the ability to tell the public when to shut up,

but also to be correct and not thick. Yeah. And it's a shame that the people who are the most confident in telling people to shut up and listen to them are often very thick. Yeah, because someone like Ed Miliband will be very polite to anyone who says anything. He's way too polite.

He's quite smart. He kind of knows what he's talking about. Whereas someone like Jerry McCorbin, who is just thick to his bones, will get sassy with anyone who asks him a question that is not easy. Furious. It's absolutely furious. Like, how dare you

ask me a difficult question? Fellow comedian and friend of the pod in general, Matt Ford, is very good on Twitter for pointing out when he's getting absolutely seething when an often female journalist asks him a question that isn't, why are you so

brilliant? What is it that's so good about sharing? Or whatever the hell. Yeah, anyone, yeah, there seems to be a real mismatch. Do you see that in response to Labour being decimated in the EU elections,

Corbyn said, yes, this is all very surprising and we'll have to take a seat back and reconsider Labour's position at the party conference, party meeting in September. A month before we have to

leave the European Union. Brilliant, nice one, man. Really taking on a leading role there. You can't interrupt the Hollybobs to save the country. But even like John McDonnell and Diane Abbott are tweeting about how we need a second

referendum now. So even his personal cabal is like, I mean, come on. We were literally cut in half. Fucking, what's the lady? The kind of scary, sometimes scary, sometimes nice, I'm not really sure what I think about her lady. Who's high up in the Tories there.

Not Tories, high up in Labour there. Emily Thornberry. Emily Thornberry. We are in her constituency right now, listeners. Is it? Yeah, this is Thornberry territory, boy. Ah. This is Thornberry-er.

Thornberry-er. Yeah. Yeah, she's basically come out and said that we need a second referendum yeah do you see Alistair Campbell on the BBC on the live coverage

yeah I listened to him on the Today programme and he said I'm not voting Labour for the first time ever and I think it was John Humphries said

who are you voting for then and Alistair Campbell said look it's not important I don't think it's important to tell you and then as the results were coming in live on the BBC, he said, I voted Lib Dem.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He just came out and said it. No, they've just kicked him out. What? Of Labour? Yeah. Really? Yeah, because you know how all those guys who got caught denying the Holocaust

are still having their cases reviewed after nine months? Yeah. Well, they can move quickly when they want to, Phil. Has he been ejected from the Labour Party? Got the email this morning, apparently. Fuck, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't see that. Old Ali Kams is no longer in the labs. they can move quickly when they want to Phil has he been ejected from the Labour Party got the email this morning apparently fuck really I didn't see that old Ali Kams

is no longer in the labs fuck it yeah he should have stuck to you know if he hadn't said something about voting Lib Dem

and instead had tweeted about the Rothschild Zionist banking conspiracy he'd still be a member it's a it's a real shame why didn't he just say the Jews told me to vote Lib Dem? Then they would know what to do. Sorry I'm so nervous.

It's just that I've never been on a date with a swarm of bees before. More wine. Yeah, it's all kicking off here in the UK, listeners. I know a lot of you are in the US. Yeah, sorry about this. Well, where politics makes sense in the US, where it's essentially a 1980s action film at this point. Yes, we in the UK really, really envy your simple American politics, where it actually is bad guys

versus sane people. Yeah, yeah. Where essentially the choice is between Hillary Clinton, who in the UK would probably be a conservative. Oh, yeah. Which would be like a moderate to left-wing Tory. Or actual, like, Labour style,

whatever, Bernie Sanders. She's basically like an Amber Rupp, basically. Yeah, pretty much. Hillary Clinton. And there's a choice between every... Okay, this is it. The choice in America is between the Democrats who represent our entire political spectrum right to left.

Yeah, exactly. And some demons. And, like, guys who look like a drawing of how you would do a cartoon of like the the evilest illuminati members like like white hair and little thick glasses and suits and they all look the same and they all say things like uh well as a member of the committee for making everyone uh have their rapists baby i think it's important to. They're the most amazingly evil people. They're like if Tommy Robinson became a career politician.

Some of them are to the right of him and they're just like, well, as a moderate member of the Senate, what the fuck? It's so weird. Utterly insane. It's so weird to have people in the Senate or in Congress who literally believe in demons.

They're like medieval villains. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a house full of fucking Draculas. House of Draculas is my sitcom. Oh, House of Draculas. It sounds great. I guess that's just what we do in the show. Yeah, that is what we do in the show. House of Draculas. Renamed what we, House of Draculas sounds great. I guess that's just what we do in the shadows, isn't it? House of Draculas.

Renamed what we do in the shadows. That's the Chinese remake. House of Draculas. But yeah, so everything listener is kicking off in politics. But also, nothing's happening. I was just thinking this today. Over the last three years in the UK, everything changes every day, yet nothing has happened.

Do you know my line about that from my last show? It's like a treadmill. It's like being on a treadmill. I feel exhausted, but I've not gone anywhere. That's good. Mine was, absolutely everything has happened, but also nothing's happened. It's like if every night for three years, burglars broke into

your house, but they never took anything. You just have a mental breakdown. Just kill me. Just kill me in my sleep. Please. Take a TV. Something. Just make a decision. Just stop breaking into my house. Cut off my left arm or cut off my right arm. Just do something.

Stop loitering. It is like if a bunch of burglars broke into your house and just went... Just wave their hands at you yeah well they just went yeah like keep faking taking stuff oh and they're just like oh made you look and then the police come and go i'm not sure if we can do anything but we'll just stand here for a bit yeah the police came and looked and went well you know there are police here, there are four burglars,

it's pretty much evenly split. It's hard to say if they should stop doing this. And of course, we have to respect the burglar's choice to break into your house. You know,

we believe in democracy here in the police... Fars. Fars. Letters. Emails. Phone calls. Correspondence That's right it's time for more Fucking emails Thank you for getting in touch We are so very lonely

It's true First thing is from Dan emails. Thank you for getting in touch. We are so very lonely. It's true. First thing is from Dan. Dan the man. Dan the man. Hi, Budpod. I just wanted to tell you that I can no longer watch your podcast in public. Oh dear. Spooky. You've been watching us. I don't think anyone's been able to. I have quite the, let's say, psychopathic

laugh. That means when Phil starts talking about octopus eggs in the western style, which is a very funny way of putting it whilst I'm on a dead silent bus I scare the living shit out of everyone to the extent that an old lady drops her walking stick and runs to the front of the bus and everyone else cowers down as if I'm going to go and rampage

and stab them all or he's healed a crippled old lady our podcast his maniacal laugh has healed an old lady of a wobbly leg now we could be in the American Senate because we've claimed to have performed a medieval miracle. Now I will only listen to you whilst in an empty room

in which no one can be injured or fear for their life. Keep on jacking, Dan. He said just keep on jacking. Keep on jacking. Oh, right. So that doesn't have to be it. You can be jacking anything. That's true. Jacking cars. Is that funny? Like a really cool criminal who also. That's true. Jacking cars. Ah. Is that funny? Like a really cool criminal who also wanks people off. Jacking cars.

Jacking dudes. It's cool because he owns it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. He's really into it. He's no shame. Yeah. Gary gets in touch. Oh, hi, Gaz. Greetings, P-Jackers. Oh. Yeah, P-Christopher Piena

Now it's at the beginning We're gonna get emails Where it's like From the shining Just that Just keep jacking it Over and over again On the typewriter

Oh no All work and no jacking it Makes for the Drained boy Drained boy I wanted to share something I heard a while ago Which I found very funny If I owned a while ago which I found very funny

if I owned a sausage dog I'd call it Burland imagine being stood in a park and shouting come Burland come Burland and he says keep jacking it keep jacking it Gary

I have to say that's the worst email we've ever gotten Keep for jacking it. Gary, I have to say, that's the worst email we've ever gotten. You should be ashamed of yourself. Yeah, yeah. It was sort of confusing from beginning to end. I never expect a pun in real life anymore. You never expect a pun? Yeah.

So you should enjoy them because they'll always be a surprise. No, it's like I don't expect to be sort of called a cunt or something. It's like something from childhood. Oh, I see. You expect better of people. I just go, oh, really? Is that where that was going? Yeah. It's like worse than a shaggy dog story for disappointment sometimes.

You know? Like stories that have no ending and that's the joke. Oh. I find that more, like it's still irritating but it's more funny to me as a prank than just going Cumberland oof well sorry about that Gaz

Pierre's visibly furious his face has gone red if you could watch this podcast you would see that Pierre's face has gone beet red I'm the colour of that sports broadcaster. Yeah, I don't know if you all saw this sports broadcaster shared about on Twitter. I think he's for football.

He's the colour of an aubergine. He's the colour of the royal mail. Horrible. Go to hospital. Yeah, absolutely horrible. He looks like he's about to explode. He looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger's head in Total Recall when he goes outside on Mars.

Yeah, and the gravity is about to make his eyes pop. Yeah. And then it's just, imagine his head is just like that upon waking. Ghastly. Tom gets in touch. Hi, Tom. Dear Double Peacups. Tom the Don. I would like to draw your attention to this excellent publication.

It's called Sealy Jacking and Lifting, 2019. Oh, for God's sake. Potential Bud Pod sponsor or official annual. Okay, thank you, Tom. So there's the image. I will put the image on my Instagram. It is called the Jacking and Lifting 2019 promotion. Is it a gym thing?

No, it's a jacking as in like cars and stuff, it looks like. Or like jacking them up, like pushing... Trolley jacks. What is this? Yeah. Or is the magazine just for those... It's like one of those industry magazines. Just for car jacks?

You can jack anything, right? Like heavy stuff? Well, as we found out, you can. Oh, we can all jack heavy stuff. Don't worry about it. Blah, blah, blah. God's sake. Yep.

Ryan gets in touch. Wagwan pea slices. Nice. Yeah. I always think every week they're going to run out of greetings, but... Yep. Ryan gets in touch. Wagwan pea slices. Nice. Yeah. I always think every week they're going to run out of greetings, but... Our listeners are greetings rich. There is no end to their creativity. Currently finding your pod so hourly delicious that I'm practically on a pagan podcast diet.

Lovely. Ooh. I like that pun, Gary. Listen and learn. Watch and learn. Yeah. I have quite an authoritarian thought for you regarding the elderly. pun, Gary. Listen and learn. Watch and learn. Yeah. I have quite an authoritarian thought for you regarding the elderly. Oh, lovely.

Yes, please. All pensioners must be indoors by 5pm during the week and for the entire weekend. Aren't they already anyway? But for the whole weekend, Phil. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Standard work hours, Monday to Friday, 9 to 5, is their time to run errands, do the big shop, or go to the swimming baths, etc. They should not be permitted to waste both time and space in public and increase pressure on services during working people's hard-earned time off. They may apply for special dispensation for significant events like birthdays, etc.

Like a hall pass. Yeah, yeah. Please, can I? Please, sure. I'm so old. My son's turning 40 and I need to... No!

Stay in the weekend. But they must wear a sticker to let everyone know that they're to blame for exacerbating any slow service or traffic problems. The latter, of course,

would require an extra car sticker. Additionally, here are some fun bread translations. Oh, yeah. So these are different words for bread in other languages.

Do they sound like farts? Well, let's find out. Icelandic? Bráð. Yes, that does some fun bread translations. Oh, yeah. So these are different words for bread in other languages. Do they sound like farts? Well, let's find out. Icelandic, brawd. Yes, that does sound like a fart. Swahili, mkate. Mkate. Mkat.

That definitely has a couple of k's. Yeah. Russian, shleb. Thai. I mean, it's five letters before there's a vowel so let's see if I can pronounce this K'n'pang

that sounds alright K'n'pang Portuguese Pau Pau Pau literally Pau Welsh

Barra Khmer Nombong what's that from Khmer oh Khmer alright alright Nombong

Nombong yeah yeah's that from? Khmer. Oh, Khmer. Alright, alright. Nombong. Nom. Nom. Nombong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bosnian. Kra. Yeah, that's good. Kra. Turkish.

Ekmek. Amarek is dabo. Dabo. What's Amarek? Amarek is Middle Eastern, I think, isn't it? Amarek. Dabo. Dic. Dabo. Dabo.

Dabo. Lithuanian, Duona. Duona. And Zulu is Isinkwa. Isinkwa. Isinkwa. No, that one's too nice, actually. No, Zulu's quite a nice language, actually.

By the way. Actually. Actually. Oh, that's a nice language. Oh, that really hurt, actually. It really hurt. That's quite a nice language, actually. I should try and learn how to say, oh, that really hurt, actually, in Zulu. Yeah, that'd a nice language oh that really hurt actually it really hurt that's quite a nice language actually I should try and learn how to say oh that really hurt actually in Zillow

yeah that'd be nice I'll message my uncle he's fluent furthermore in Newcastle there's such a thing as a stotty my producer and writer comedy writer friend Katie Story

yeah is from Oop North not from Newcastle but she knows all about stotties good for her she says they're great it's like a giant bread roll. Big bread.

Yes, my grandma from Nottingham calls bread rolls cobs, and Phil, as a I'm assuming that's the sign for Mandarin speaker, I'm amazed you haven't mentioned some more Mandarin signs. Can I see? Yes. I know that that first one is the sign for the red dragon on Mashal. As a Chong Wen speaker,

as a Chinese speaker I'm amazed you haven't mentioned Oh I don't know what that is What is it? Something head Something head? Something head That's the red dragon symbol

Isn't it that first one? No I don't think so That's the red dragon symbol, isn't it? That first one. No, I don't think so. Is it not? No. That's the only one I know from the Hannibal Lecter movie. Right, right, right. Red dragon. I've definitely heard a few of them slip between my crack before.

Lovely. So that's something heads coming out of his bum? I don't know. Phil's Chinese is mostly aural aural well I think that's also traditional no actually

maybe it isn't traditional it is in traditional Chinese you're also Malaysian Chinese which is a whole extra saucy kettle

of boiled fish well also learning to read Chinese you just forget entire words it's not like learning an alphabet

and then you can just read any word no matter if you've forgotten the word each word is its own thing again you can read a whole new word you've never seen before in your life where this doesn't exist in chinese you just have to have learned every word oh my god so forgive me if i've forgotten

a couple all right huh i'm a pilot how am i supposed to remember all these words anyway keep up the good work and I hope my least cool cool thing happens and you read out this email. That's good. That is a very uncle cool thing. Yeah. Get your email right out on this podcast. Oh God, uncle cool has got meta.

It's eating itself. It's cool because you're talking about my correspondence but really lame that I've emailed two people who I don't actually know at all about why I hate pensioners. As ever, keep on jacking up. But don't come on the dog, do it up a tree. All the best, Ryan.

Do you, swarm of bees, take this man, Philip, to be your lawfully wedded husband? Good, I think. And do you, Philip, take this swarm of bees to be your lawfully wedded bees? I do. You may now kiss the bees. Ellie, who I made vomit Oh yes With my burp noises And she's not wrong, I feel sick

Whenever I hear them They're pretty vigorous I have to look at them Did you see someone did a burp warning on that one Where I did another burp On my Instagram they commented with a trigger warning for burps It's the first time I've ever agreed with a trigger warning. And if that makes me a snowflake, so be it.

She gets in touch. Hi again, team Bums Under Debate, Poo On Demand. Budpod. Lovely. That's what it stands for. That's very good. Bums Under Debate, Poo On Demand. That's one of those acronyms.

Yes, it is. You know those fucking morons who say, you know, golf is called golf because it stood originally for gentlemen only, ladies forbidden. Yeah, and you go yeah, because that's how people name things. This one is a fucking insane story I heard about the origin of the word fuck.

Yes, yes, this is a big one. This is a popular one that people used to have to get the king's permission to fuck and would put a sign on their door saying fornication under consent of the king and you sort of go right let's unpack that for a second fornication under the consent of the king

so the king doesn't it strike you as strange that you've never heard of the medieval fuck police before and they would what bang on the door when they heard moaning and go oh no hang on there's signs here don't you think that would have come up at some point for god's sake also how do you explain do you explain the fact that in germany it's feken and like like in like fork in afrikaans and stuff like other languages did this what are you talking

about that's not how language works it's posh god it makes me annoyed oh posh what's that um uh port port out starboard home yes yes because they're the best sides of the ship or whatever. That's not true either. Or everyone goes, oh, CHAV is Council House and Violent. It's not either. Yeah. It's... Yeah, I mean, this would make sense in, like, Australia,

where literally everything is an acronym. Or the Commonwealth, where people do love an acronym. It would make sense if you were starting a language from scratch on the fucking moon. That's exactly it. sense if you're starting a language from scratch on the fucking moon that's exactly it english is uh um the result of centuries old languages yeah mixing endlessly they don't need to be making up new words from what had happened what the first letters of the phrase happened yeah i mean for fuck's sake they all conveniently have at least one uh vowel in them. Yeah, exactly. At the right place, not at the end. It's never just... So...

Did you crush him last night? Well, I didn't have permission from the king. Thank you for reading out my silly correspondence about being sick. It's our pleasure. I don't expect you

to read this one out, but I do hope you enjoy it. Please find attached some absolutely appalling home-drawn kinky fan art. Okay. Only joking. My feelings towards you are pure, andrawn kinky fan art. Okay. Only joking. My feelings towards you are pure and my kinks I keep to myself.

Unless you don't want me to. Should we get our fans to email in their kinks? That would be funny. We'd be making George's prophecy from the last episode come true. Well, George's prophecy was that this has become about my kink fetishes. Yes, that's true. That's true. We won't be famous

until someone on a Tumblr has drawn us fucking, Phil. I know we're going to get shipped, aren't we? Yeah, we're going to get shipped. If we do well. If we earn it. Do you have any plans

to do live shows? Phil is very allergic to live shows. I don't like a live podcast. I have to say this now. We've got pod buds. A thousand invitations for live shows. I know, I know, but I just say no to them. I don't like a live podcast. I have to say this now. We've got... Pod buds....hails of invitations for live shows.

I know, I know, but I just say no to them. I don't like live podcasts. I don't like listening to them. I'm sure doing them live will... But you have to agree, dear listener, that it is far less intimate to listen to a live show. It's like... I feel like a pervert listening in on someone else's fun.

But what if... The whole appeal of podcasts is the intimacy and privacy of having two people or more talk straight into your ear. Well, Alice James and John Robbins, they're tootling around. Yeah, I don't like listening to the live episodes. I don't think they do many live episodes, anyway. They go on tour together, though, and the podcast people are in the audience.

Yeah, I mean, just a pure live show. Maybe we wouldn't record it. That's my point, to be honest. I don't trust myself to be were in the audience. Yeah I mean just pure live show. Maybe we wouldn't record it. That's my point to be honest I don't trust myself to be funny in the moment on a stage. I tend

I can really freeze up. Well we yeah maybe we'll do something live but not recorded so it's really special. Maybe I'll record my bits you do yours live.

Yeah yeah yeah I'll just use a Phil Wang soundboard made up of stuff you've said in the past. With a really unnerving animatronic version of me on stage.

My head just... Keep jacking it. And then you're in the crowd. No! She says, in my vision for this night, this kind of live night. Oh yeah. The devoted audience of Bud fans. Of Pod Buds. Your friend the Slow Pooer makes a guest appearance. Ooh, that'd be interesting.

What if Slow Poo, that's the name now. Yep. Slow Poo. What if Slow Poo wants to preserve their anonymity? Obviously then their guest appearance would consist of them spinning swords, etc. While wearing a costume and mask. Like the Stig. Yeah.

Like a stinky version of the Stig. The Stink. The Stink. Welcome on the Stink, everyone. The stink. Welcome on the stink, everyone. And people throw eggs and tomatoes at him. And we do the stupid Clarkson Top Gear style. Some say he can't shit properly. Some say he doesn't even know how to make his piss go faster.

All we know is he's called the stink. The stink. So she says, the fact that they are, I infer, a fellow comedian on the circuit would make that objectively even funnier because it could be anyone yeah

she thinks it's a fellow comedian on the circuit so she then there's a bit where I don't know if I should read it out because she guesses

she gives us a couple of guesses who she is who who stink who the stink is who the stink is who slow poo is

and she makes some interesting guesses but you don't read them out you don't I don't want to prejudice anyone else's inquiries yeah

imply by omission who it might be well that's it yeah I mean they're good guesses it's a nice try but they're surprising guesses

they're interesting guesses but yeah we shall see slow poo she said well she says the mystery of slope whose true identity is very intriguing maybe to you maybe uh keep jacking it sorry i mixed that up before i almost uh i almost lost it hysterically listening to phil get annoyed about the catchphrase knowing from twitter that my email was coming up and i hadn't even got it right warm wishes for keeping on jacking

ellie very very annoying very nice very nice indeed Warm wishes for keeping on jacking, Ellie. Very, very annoying. Very nice. Very nice indeed. Very upset to hear you keep jacking it so much. God, there are so many emails. Ro gets in touch. Yo, Ro. Yo, yo, Ro.

Yo, yo, Ro. Fun. Yes, indeed. Dear Phil and Pierre, but mostly Pierre's. I suspect you do most of the admin while Phil rattles around London collecting poo anecdotes.

I don't collect poo anecdotes. They come to me. Ro was a fan of My Favourite Podcast, the pre-concert. Oh, great. Yes, yes, yes. How was I? Because she doesn't have iTunes, she found the way My Favourite Podcast ended so abruptly extremely disconcerting.

Like something had happened to you. Yeah, she says, what happened to you? You seem to be getting in your stride, having cool guests and fleshing out the whole Marjorie legend. And then SoundCloud tells me there's no more tracks to sate my itch. I've been listening to Budpod whilst doing yoga, cleansing the body and soiling the mind.

That's very good. Simultaneously, to achieve a net effect of zero. That's lovely. The main reason I'm writing, Pierre, is that you hinted in my favourite podcast that you were working on a mega supercut of all the best bits. Oh yeah, you were talking about that. Yeah, but then I remembered that I did that podcast for a year.

And that's so... That's a lot to go through. Oh my god. I'd need to be very ill in bed. That would give me the time I needed to do that. I was wondering if you managed to finish that. Short answer, no. I should, though.

Basically, I just want every mention of Marjorie mashed into one ghoulish compilation. Christ, yeah. I want to listen to it on my headphones to offset the summer weather as I wander around town looking for work. I think it'll give my applications a kind of brooding otherworldliness.

If you listen to three Marjorie stories in a row, she will visit you. She will visit you, and she'll give you an old cake. An old cake? Yeah, just an old cake. It looks like a cake, obviously. And you'll go, ah. And then you bite it and you go, this is old.

This is old. That's her vibe. And the icing is sort of wet enough, I guess. If you've taken enough icing with a bite like you can kind of distract from the staleness and the lack of moisture

yeah hard hard to the core that cake yeah and you're not yeah and the icing

did it have like a bit of flavour put in when it was mixed in or is it just odd is it just sweet yeah just sweet yeah anyway thanks to both of you

for the laughs I've watched Phil stand up a bunch of times on YouTube thank you can't seem to find PS I do have a few clips Ro But I don't have any full shows Because I'm a lazy cunt

But I will be solving that And though it seems unlikely If either of you happen to perform in the Czech Republic Oh no It'll make my life immeasurably No she says measurably brighter Which to be fair makes more sense Cheers

She says That is Ro is the checker public considered decent europe yeah if it was on if the soviets used to run it i'd say that's fair dues that's very easy in european uh attitude to have i'll be measurably happy this will be measurably better there'll be there'll be a finite amount of value add to my yes exactly how close is checker public to sweden um not too far actually i think you have to go through austria of value add to my life. Yes, exactly. How close is Czech Republic to Sweden? Not too far, actually. I think you have to go through Austria.

Well, I'm now... I'm doing the Lund Festival at the end of August. In Switzerland? It's Sweden, isn't it? I thought that's why you brought up Switzerland. I said Sweden. You said Switzerland. Did I?

We'll have to check the recording Only the listener will know now Yeah we don't listen We'll figure it out Anyway you're going to be in Lund It's far Sweden is far from the Czech Republic It is a bit far

But it's closer than the UK So It's the closest I'm getting To the Czech Republic In the near future So Ro I'm not saying

That you should Pack a car full of pals And buy some tickets To my show At the Lund Comedy Festival but maybe. Yeah. Could be good. Yes. And do send... We haven't actually

reminded people of the correspondence details for a while now. Yes. It's at TheBudPod on Twitter or TheBudPod at gmail.com. And if you're listening going, oh, they didn't do my email. We still have Zara of the cool name from last time. Annie.

Someone else whose name is not there. Billy. Bethany. And Frank. We're going to get to you guys next week. Oh, shout out to the two gals I met at a gig. It's the night of I fucked a dog. On the way back from the second gig.

Yeah. A couple of gals who are studying for their dissertation are saying that Bud Pod helps them get through the dissertation. Yeah, shout out.

Check the word count. I'm so glad we saved ourselves for our wedding night. Yeah, take this off. Take this off. Oh my God, I've never done it with bees before.

Yeah. Yeah, treat me like one of your flowers. Yeah, pollinate me like one of your flowers. Yeah, right there, right there. Oh! Wow! Yeah. Oh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, that really hurt, actually. Oh, ah. Wow! Yeah. Ah! That really hurts, actually. Ah! Ah! I was at an Ethiopian restaurant on Sunday. There are a bunch of them around here. I really wanna go. Yeah, they're really good, because they give you a huge sort of pancake with all the curries on it.

And you just go for it. Yeah, just peel it off and eat it. And their alphabet is its own alphabet on its own. Yeah, I saw it. They had some on the wall. It looks fucking ancient. It must be very, very old. It looks runic.

It looks like the alphabet you see on the wall of the temple before the alien comes and eats you in a sci-fi film. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It looks so sci-fi and ancient at the same time it's so cool looking it's all swear there's like circles in there some very old civilization i think that's like the oldest christian churches in the world yeah yeah

yeah like mere physite christianity or whatever that really got coptic ancient weird christianity where before it all got rules and also then um um et, in the form of Abyssinia, never colonized. Uh-huh. Never, one sort of bit of Africa that always stayed an independent, fully independent kingdom. Yes, I read that in my book called

Prisoners of Geography. Very interesting book. That ends just before the major events of 2016 and so a lot of it is not exactly relevant anymore and as we all know

the EU will take over the world anyway especially with Britain inside it anyway bye and the American presidency will never be undermined yeah

okay end of the book okay okay thank you keep jacking it what the fuck that's good we've ended on correspondence details being reiterated a book recommendation and a compliment And it's like, keep jacking it. What the fuck? That's good. We've ended on correspondence details being reiterated,

a book recommendation, and a compliment to a foreign alphabet. Very professional stuff. Very nice. This has been very Radio 4. Yes, it has. Lovely. Thank you for... Oh, and do listen in to my radio show from last week, please, called Wangsplaining.

Yes. It was in Radio 4's pick of the week was it on Friday and the host apparently said he could not agree

with me on my stance on the Empire but he appreciated my honesty really yeah

who was the host I'm not sure some penis that's very good listen to Phil's special on Radio 4 so they have to commission a whole series from you.

Right? Yeah. I sort of half want them to and then half don't because it was a lot of work for an episode. A whole series worth of work. I don't know. That's the amazing thing about comedy is you sort of go, God, why wouldn't anyone ask me to do all this comedy? Hey, they've just asked you to do all the comedy. Oh no, I've got

to work. I didn't get into comedy to work. I want a life where I just get the stuff and then can enjoy getting the stuff but then not have to do this I don't want to learn to play the guitar

I just want to have done a big concert yeah yeah exactly yeah totally yeah yeah yeah alright well keep jacking it everyone keep jacking it guys oh no not even I'm saying it

alright share the podcast with your friends recommend it to people proselytise as though twere a religion. Please.

Please. Please. And get in touch at the usual places. And enjoy the rest of human civilization. Which is going to be what? One week.

Coming up next, The Archers. Bye.