BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 141 - Libertarian Musketeer

Episode Date: December 8, 2021

Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie chat Christmas vibes, porno, being in each other's pockets, TikTok, No 10's illegal Christmas party, correspondence includes Horse the Guardian guy, Smelly Emily's roommate and Cockney Technicalities (and Marjorie calls in!) Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 1 for 1. 1 for 1. The mantra of the libertarian. 1 for 1. 1 for 1 and some for 1. Me! It's the opposite of 1 for all and all for 1. 1 for 1 and 1 for 1. Yeah, not as successful as a group the libertarian musketeers

yeah yeah they believed in honor chivalry and small government that's why they had those sort of fencing sabers they just thought that they had an individual right

to carry around those big swords. Yeah, a right to bear sabres. A right to bear sabres, a right to bear goatees and big floppy hats. Yeah, yeah. A right to slash arms. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember as a kid being confused

about whether or not the three musketeers and the scarlet pimpernel were on like what side they were on or why they were supposed to be good i i have no awareness of the scarlet pimpernel the scarlet pimpernel always sounded to me like a red zit like a spot well the reason i was confused is that i knew that marie antoinette was like you know like you know not really but kid level knowledge i knew that she was a mean lady and everyone was poor and had no food right so they chopped her head off um and so i was like oh okay well that sounds pretty clear-cut and uh then yeah and then the Scarlet Pimpernel Is

A chivalrous Englishman Who rescues French aristocrats Oh Oh right A bloody Remain voter sounds like Well yeah Yeah so he's like

On the side of the Of the old... Brussels! He's on the side of Brussels, Pierre. He's ramoning about the French Revolution. He thinks it shouldn't have happened. So he was he was like a

nice highwayman? Yeah, he was like a highwayman that was like sort of helping save the Duke of wherever from the mob. Okay. Like the Italian Mafia? Yes. Yeah. I'm just looking up the Three Musketeers.

Oh, it's earlier than I thought. It's sort of set in the 1600s. Okay. Okay, so I thought it was another revolutionary one, but it's not. Oh, no, yeah, no. I think I knew it was definitely pre-revolution, but for me it's always like, are they connected to the Knights of the Round Table? Are they like a franchise of the Knights of the Round Table I was like

are they like a franchise of the Knights of the Round Table there's a lot of there's a lot of literature isn't there about cool cool guys cool guys with swords gang of fun cool guys yeah what um what would your go-to weapon be if you were going to be a fun, cool guy? I think the crossbow, the coward's choice.

Very nice, yes. And I would have loads, so that I didn't have to reload them. I would just have loads. Right. Disposable have loads. Right. Disposable crossbows. Yeah, yeah, and they'd just be slung around my waist. It looked like I was wearing some sort of Hawaiian skirt.

But a Hawaiian skirt of crossbows. Right, and you'd have these disposable crossbows just churned out by Sir Jeff of Bezos. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Cheap throw disposable crossbows just churned out by Sir Jeff of Bezos. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Cheap throwaway crossbows tied around my waist like a hula skirt. And then if I was ever surrounded, I'd go, Hulu!

And I'd spin around. And the centripetal fugue force would raise the Crossbows and fire them All around me And then at the end I would say Hulu Again I would repeat Hulu Just so people know what my vibe is What if you said Hula And then when you stopped and everyone was dead you said Hoop Why have I been saying Hulu I meant Hula

I've been thinking of the um the streaming service yes you're a sponsored musketeer yeah yeah this uh this murder is brought to you by hulu i'd say you you you backflip through a window and crossbow someone through the heart and then say to everyone else around the table the US office now available on Hulu and just backflip

back out again oh man I can't believe how much of a corporate shill I am now that like corporate names the names of companies are replacing words in my in my vocabulary yeah it's a shame that you're not someone's sort of five-year-old kid so they could do a big tweet about isn't this scary guys parents my son thought it was called a hulu hoop And lots of people Replying going didn't happen Didn't happen and I'd be like

It did happen it did and that'd be my Whole life Yeah Speaking of things that did happen We are very pleased And Flattered and in love With how many of you Have signed up to the Patreon.

Thank you very much. Yes. Kapir and I are now our own corporate shills. We've sold out to Big Bud Pod. We're in the pocket of Big Bud. We're in the pocket of Big Us. We're in our own pockets. We're inside each other's big pockets.

Yeah, it's like an Escher painting or something. Yeah, it's like a snake swallowing its own tail, but kangaroos in their pouches that are each other's pouch somehow. You know that drawing of the hand that's drawing another hand, but that hand is drawing the first hand? Yes.

It's us, but reaching into each other's pockets. the first hand yes yeah it's us that's us but reaching into each other's pockets yeah yes lovely but yes thank you very much financial 69 yeah

yes absolutely the best kind of of 69 69 dollars but it's very very nice kind and flattering everyone

we hope you enjoyed the bonus material and the merch when it gets to you yes the bonus material last week was a very spicy convo about Emily Ratajkowski and her book My Body and we talked about sexuality

male versus female sexuality is all spicy cancelable stuff, but we'll never get cancelled for it because you have to be a Patreon to access it. Yes. And the cancelling mob, they don't like to spend too long in one place or commit.

It's called nudge theory, Pierre. If you want someone to do something, make it easy. Conversely, if you don't want someone to do something, make it hard. We don't want people to cancel us, so it's just a little bit harder to access the cancelable material. Yeah, it's like a it's the equivalent

of putting up a wall to keep yourself safe but the wall is only two bricks high. And yet it's enough. People don't want, yeah, people don't want to risk a trip hazard Yeah They look at it and they go Well it's only two bricks high

But everywhere else has no walls So Yeah Yes But yes We're very pleased Thank you very much Phil it is the 7th of December

As we are recording this The 8th as you are listening to it If you're a keen bean. Are you feeling Christmassy yet? It's beginning to feel somewhat like Christmas. That's the song going through my head. Yes, it was the early version of that song. Yeah, I walked past a scribbler today a card shop a greetings card shop

and on on the windows were the stickers of a cheeky santa claus mooning everybody so it's just santa claus's bare bum and i thought wow how about that and? And it made me think of my first ever trips to the UK where I would see naughty greetings cards. Yeah. Which I'd never been aware of. In Malaysia, you don't have naughty greetings cards. You can't have a greetings card where there's a bawdy joke on it or even a naked person,

a naked drawing of some lame dad cartoon, the kind of cartoon that middle-aged dads find funny. But when I came to the UK, and I saw like cheeky Christmas cards, like Mrs. Claus, I don't know, getting banged by Santa or whatever, and Christmas is coming early this year year or just some shit like that and I'm like wow there are no

rules here in the West I was astonished I could not believe it I thought we were all about to get arrested every time I saw one yeah you thought that the Clinton's cards you were in was like a speakeasy yeah why isn't everyone wearing sort of tan trench coats and sunglasses with the collars up

yeah why why isn't there a policeman like rex banner from the simpsons tipping a big barrel of these cards into the sewers getting them off the streets boys getting it off the streets um so that would be illegal in malaysia because of all the presumably extremely strict decency laws years years and it would also just be quite it'd be shocking people wouldn't ever buy them i don't think yeah well yeah i mean uh i i doubt uh i mean south africa isn't legally that restrictive, but people are pretty... They're more religious and more familiarly conservative on average, I would say. Our TV has lots of senses.

Like, we'd be watching an episode of Friends, and there would just be some weird jump cut where someone had made out or kissed or something. Oh, God. Or made a sexual joke. They'd just be like dunk this jump and it'd be Phoebe back at Central Perk talking about

something completely different so you were watching like a kind of a head injury version of Friends yeah it'll just be Ross leaning into Rachel's face and then just plunk Phoebe buying

coffee from Gunter. And you go, I wonder what Ross was going to do to Rachel's face. Maybe she had some food on it he was going to take off. It had to get censored because he just tried to eat her nose like Hannibal Lecter.

Terrible. Imagine if you presumed it was violent. That is mad. I remember my only equivalent is when as a young kid we were on holiday in Tenerife and they were like proper just like nudie postcards for sale everywhere

just people with their with their sexy with the gym jams out yeah yeah that's something i can believe i couldn't believe when i my first trips to the uk just like the porno mags i couldn't believe there were naked ladies just like you go to a petrol station you can buy magazines with naked ladies on it yeah and some crisps to put between the pages like a sandwich to give the magazines a bit of crunch give it some texture for god's sake

you don't want it to be all mag no no no no that would be awful hello no one is available to take your call please leave a message after the tone oh um hello i'm just calling from um the in secret vip lounge of the patreon the Patreon don't worry you'll never have to pay to hear my messages Marjorie is my name

Marjorie is my name and I, Amanique, will I think I'm for I'm for free I'm for free and I'm also calling because I am for free. I am for free. And I'm also calling because I'm here in the VIP area of the Patreon.

There was a sign for the loose, and so I followed it. And I left my coat with a nice lady who looked like I trusted her not to steal a coat. Anyway, I went and I walked and I followed the signs. And down a corridor that was too long. And tiled on the roof as well, which I thought was weird. Anyway, and now I'm standing in front of some doors.

And the toilets have got funny names. And one says Pod Buds. And the other says Bud Pods. And then one says um pistorians and then one says um one says uh caballeros which is spanish for cabals and and then one says um red riding hoods and i just i don't know i don't understand is it that they're all just normal toilets that are one toilet and these are silly names or is it that there are this many

different categories that people sort themselves into upon entry or is it a free for all I don't want to get in trouble I'm not supposed to be in here yeah it is kind of mind blowing I wonder if kids these days Phil you know these days wonder if kids these days, Phil, you know, these days, the kids. Not these days, kids.

I know. I hate these days, kids. They're not like back in the days, kids. I prefer back in the days, kids. But these days, kids are inferior. That's right, exactly. Every generation is somehow inferior to the previous one, and yet things keep improving.

It's baffling. It's so weird. I don't know how... Yeah. Things were always better a couple of decades ago, but materially speaking, they're always better in the present. It doesn't make sense, Pierre. It's one for the physicists at CERN, not like the old physicists.

It's one for the physicists at CERN, not like the old physicists. Like Einstein, like the ones I've heard of. But do you think kids these days, they have anything like that? Or do they just, the second they get a smartphone, just a fire hose of porn is just jetted into their face? It's interesting, isn't it? Because I think your sense of scandal depends on the context in which you see the material. Yes.

If you saw a naked lady while you're on your own on the internet, you go, well, this is just the internet. But if you saw a naked lady in a public space with other people around to see the naked lady with you, you go, oh, wow, there's a naked lady here. What's going on? Because your settings have changed. Yes, that's true. Yeah.

And I wonder, like, if the kids these days, if they stumbled across some naughty postcards on holiday, they'd find them sort of hilariously quaint, like someone had bothered to print out a load of GIFs. I also wonder, it's sort of become assumed common knowledge that kids these days are the most sexually jaded of any generation. But it feels to me like you're less likely to literally stumble upon porn on the internet now than when we were young. Oh, you mean in the sort of early noughties Wild West internet? Yeah, Wild West internet, you would literally go on Yahoo.com to look up Gundam models. And then suddenly be like, want to see this?

Pussy! And it'd just be like a big old pussy in front of you and there's a colored star that changes color. Yes, yeah, literal pop-ups. Literal pop-ups. You go, oh, jeez, I feel like that doesn't happen anymore. I feel like the day of the infinite pop-up

is sort of gone. Yeah. And so I feel like the day of the, the infinite pop-up is sort of gone. Yeah. And so I feel like maybe kids actually don't accidentally see as much stuff as we accidentally saw until TikTok. And now like with TikTok kids can literally accidentally see like executions and fucking self-harm. And this is when I sound like it's such a, this is,

this is the most I ever sound like an old fuck now is when I talk about TikTok, but it's honestly most unhinged shit I've ever seen. Just looking at someone else's TikTok. Yeah, I've watched someone else's TikTok for a bit and it reminded me of those Necronomicon books where the binding of the book is a load of moving faces. Like screaming spirits.

Yeah, yeah, but they're like trying to get out the book, like stretching the cover. Oh, great. That's what it kind of felt like, because every video was incredibly loud and incredibly busy. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. It was just like having a window into a realm

where people need your attention or they'll die. And the amount of information they have to pack into one shot. So there's sound, visuals, and text all coming together to relay as much information about what's going on in the video as soon as possible. as much information about what's going on in the video as soon as possible. So, so like talking can convey like as much meaning in one second as an old video would in a minute, I feel.

And like, uh, uh, emojis as kind of hieroglyphs. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.

So there's an interpretive element to it as well. Yeah. Yeah. It's, um, it's a terrifying thing. And it's popular enough now that old fucks like you and me are considering whether or not they should get on it. But I don't know.

It seems like a lot of work. You're considering it. I've never ever considered it. I'm never going to do it. And you heard it here first. And if I ever do decide to go on TikTok, you know what? I'll ask Pierre to delete this bit. So there. And I ever do decide to go on TikTok You know what? I'll ask Pierre to delete this bit So there And I'll do it

Oh I'll do it And I'll film myself Doing it on TikTok And I'll dub in some trending music As indicated by the algorithm And then I'll I'll do a jump And my clothes will change.

Was it you who was saying it or maybe I heard it on one of my many Radio 4 programs but TikTok has like the most advanced algorithm of any social media platform because they because China just has

no privacy laws so they were able to like test this stuff out on the population of china without any tethers yeah they could just they could go in on the chinese population completely raw and just fuck all the information out of them in a way that is absolutely not legal in the rest of the world yeah Yeah. And now they're using that illegally obtained tech and insight onto our soft western minds with our rules.

Onto our clean internet pipes. Yeah. We're sitting ducks. We're sitting ducks. So I won't do it't i won't expose myself to that level of algorithm do you think do you think they believe the algorithm is powerful enough that with enough like um prank and dancing videos we just start to go i don't know i've been feeling kind of more neutral towards genocide lately i don't know

maybe it's the dancing videos talking but maybe it's fine what an algorithm how powerful a powerful prank video algorithm so no i am i think instagram is as far as i'm going to take it. Unless they bring Vine back. Yeah, that would be cool. I love Vine. Vine is like the nice wizard, isn't it? Compared to TikTok's evil wizard. Yeah, he's like Richard Lionheart in Robin Hood.

He's like, wait till Richard Lionheart comes back. And it was like, Lionheart's not coming back. And then at the end Richard Lionheart Comes back and everyone's like Lionheart's Not coming back And then at the end Lionheart Turns up and he's so nice He's so nice And he fixes everything And in every version where Lionheart turns back up

Again he's sort of unspeakably Handsome and he kind of glows Gold like he's very Christ like Like he's an actual lion mixed with Jesus. Yeah. He's a sexy Aslan man. Yeah. And he'll kill TikTok with a big sword.

That would be nice. That would be nice. So in summary, you do feel, Phil, mildly Christmassy. I feel mildly Christmassy. I feel mildly Christmassy. Of course, it's not Christmas until a new COVID variant truly overwhelms our health system. So a couple of weeks before that, that new Coca-Cola truck arrives. Yeah. Oh, McCrons truck arrives. Yeah. Oh, my crons are coming.

Yes. Yes. A big magic truck drives through the town and everyone is out watching it and they start coughing as it drives past. That's about right. Oh, my crons are coming. Oh, my crons are coming.

Oh, my crons are coming Omicrons are coming Omicrons are coming Another strain of COVID Have you been following You've seen this in the news Pierre? The old Tory secret Christmas party that happened last year That definitely didn't happen

But if it did happen they definitely followed the year that definitely didn't happen but if it did happen they definitely followed the rules but it didn't happen so they didn't need to party the forbidden christmas party i have been following it and what i like about it is that it so clearly happened because the journalists are asking astonishingly specific questions about it like on the radio i heard sajid javid and i had um therese coffee and all these people the journalists were saying questions like so you're saying there was no christmas party at number 10 and they were like well you know i don't i don't recognize the allegation they're like so you're saying that there was no christmas party Where these people and these members of staff

And it was in this building That type of party, that didn't happen They might as well have been going like And you're saying no one put on a yellow hat and sang a song You're saying that didn't happen? And the canapes that were served Smoked salmon On a potato blini

With Tabasco Or no Tabasco Well no party happened But if it did, itini with Tabasco or no Tabasco well no party happened but if it did it was no Tabasco yeah exactly it's so clearly something that people have found out about and they're going to be

massively in trouble for I mean I don't know why it took a year for them to like who's been sitting on this Phil who's been sitting on this spicy little bomb well because Why it took a year for them to... Who's been sitting on this, Phil? Who's been sitting on this spicy little bomb? Well, because this sort of thing, it needs a leak from someone in government who has a close relationship to someone in the press.

And maybe it just took this long for someone who was at the party or near the party to get annoyed enough with the party to leak it. Or maybe they wanted to wait until Christmas was back to leak it so they would have more weight and have more meaning. Yeah, it's a great callback. Yes, it's a perfect callback. And the start of a new Christmas tradition.

The leaker has an eye for tradition, and for that I applaud them. Yes. Yes. Can you imagine the sordid thrill of forbidden politics Christmas? Forbidden number 10 Christmas? I think it was just civil servants, though. I wish it had been MPs,

because then I think we'd have more powers to find out Oh really? Do you think there wasn't anyone, any of like the top suit of the card deck there, the king of spades or anything of government, they weren't there?

I don't think so but I mean maybe they're holding on to that until more dribbles out and they can go... And you know who gave permission for the party? Joris Bonson himself. Maybe that's it.

Do you think they're going to ban Christmas again? I don't think so. No. I think it's such political anathema that um it would and we just were nowhere near in the vulnerable position we were last year yeah and so far omicron does not seem to induce a more significant illness than previous strains and we're at pretty

high levels of some immune response to it in the UK so I don't know I would be surprised I would be surprised and also I mean what's it what's the word that means how much people go along with it?

Compliance? Compliance. Compliance would be a fraction of what it is last year. Yeah, whereas if they did a lockdown starting from like New Year's Day when everyone's hung over, I think compliance would be like 100%. Yeah. Because people fucking hate that. For sure, for sure for sure I mean there have been times in the last couple of months

where I was sort of begging for a new lockdown I was just like please I just need some time on my own leave me alone everyone please we all enjoyed lockdown one and then two and three came along I hated lockdown one We all enjoyed Lockdown 1 and then 2 and 3 came along. I hated Lockdown 1.

Did you? Lockdown 3 was my favourite. I loved Lockdown 3. Really? But it depends on your personal situation. Lockdown 1 was really... I was with my sister and she's great, but we were just trapped in the flat in London. It was very lonely.

And Lockdown 3, I spent a lot with my girlfriend. We got to stay together in more pleasant surrounds. I think a lot of people got to do that in the first lockdown, whereas I was really, really good in the first lockdown. I didn't go anywhere. I didn't go back to my mum, which I was apparently supposed to do as a privately educated middle class person in her 30s um i did not know we were allowed to do that so i stayed um because i literally thought i would get her sick and kill

her you know i thought i i felt like it was literally in the air as he stepped out of the house covered back yeah and yeah london was the covered hub of the uk at the time and yes that's true i think i enjoyed lockdown one more because i had or was having or already had covet so maybe i was more like well i'm pretty sure i'm immune for at least a bit So let's go to the shops carefully You're an early adopter I was an early adopter I was in there You know like queuing up for the iPhone

But with terrible disease Although it did take a while For me to confirm or deny that I had it Because I never had the cough That was the problem The telltale cough well yeah the thing is that the cough is not that common a symptom I don't think

well yeah but at the start it was if you don't have the if you're not coughing don't come a knocking yeah yeah that was the rise they're all made to learn yeah that was a ploy well speaking of knocking coughs Phil let's do some correspondence. Knocking coughs sounds like a euphemism for having sex, but with a sick person.

Yeah. Hey, have you guys been knocking coughs? Yeah, that's when you have sex with someone who's tested positive for COVID, you've been knocking coughs yes exactly um okay great let's do it correspondence correspondence just to uh so we got a message

here from, uh, well, I'll just read it out and then I'll say who it's from. Okay. Uh, just to clear something up that your most recent guest Stuart Laws brought up, Peckham doesn't count as Cockney.

You can see on this map. Okay. And there's a map and he says due to noise pollution the sound of the bow bells carry not as far anymore so there is a narrowed range for true Cockneys. Oh interesting Could it be Pierre that the Cockneys are an endangered species? Definitely, definitely

Their natural habitat is being narrowed Yes that's it, they're considered under threat by the UN I'd imagine yeah they're being deforested in bow that's it we need to get some breeding pairs of cockneys and reintroduce them

oh they're terrible in the livestock Pierre you don't want to do that yeah the farmers won't like it the farmers won't like it. The farmers won't like it, but it's got to be done. He says, please don't book guests who know shit all in the future. Father's answer is from Stuart Laws. That's from Stuart himself. Yes, I believe so.

Self-destruction in a nutshell. That's right. Classic Cockney move. Let's see. Boo, boo, boo. Do you think you... We've met a few Cockneys, but I imagine... Sorry, that makes you the first ever person to be a guest and then a correspondent.

Ooh, yes. I think Stu has just made Bud Pod history. Yeah. He's made Pistory. Yes, he has made Pistory, hasn't he? Gosh. He's made Pist in his own image. This is a pastoric moment, Pierre.

You know, someone said that the 90s marked the end of history. I think this has shown them to be wrong. They were foolish to declare it. Yeah. What's the guy's name again?

Japanese guy. Japanese, sorry, wasn't it? Was it Murakami? Murakami. The novelist. I think it's Murakami, yes. The end of history. I thought it was...

Francis Fukuyama. Fukuyama. Who's Murakami? He's a novelist he wrote Norwegian Wood he's the writer I'm getting my Japanese people confused Norwegian Wood

when you get an erection in Oslo Norwegian Wood Anu gets in touch It's a new dawn It's a new day It's a new life It's a new

news correspondence and I'm feeling good That's right That's right Always feels good to hear from Anu Hello Philartridge In a Pierre tree

That's lovely Very nice I like that a lot I'm a rookie Budpodder introduced by Smelly Emily the first official founding farter. Oh, wow. More Pistory.

From episode 35, apparently. Goodness me. Yes, the first founding farter. Almost pre-Pistoric those days. Who is introduced by Smelly Emily the first official founding father from episode 35 who wiped her bum by sliding down a hill while on D of E oh yes

I remember Smelly Emily I'm now on episode 41 and your pooey tales are getting me through my masters lovely wonderful I live with Smelly Emily I don't know why the name Lovely. Wonderful. I live with Smelly Emily. I don't know why the name Smelly Emily is really getting me today, but it is.

It's really funny. Wow, okay. So it's a Bud Pod house. They live in a young lady. Smelly, this is a Bud Pod household. Smelly Emily, this is a Bud Pod household. This the the house that poo is built as will become clear oh wow um she says i live with smelly emily um so we've got i've gotten

quite familiar with her ablutions we enjoy discussing our poos at length often accompanied with vivid analyses of texture size and hue wow hue. Wow, okay. This is going pretty far. This is going further than even I'd go. Yeah, these people are relishing it. So you'll understand my disappointment when I discover that smelly Emily not only febreezes, but bleaches the toilet after every expulsion.

Bleaches? Scorched earth. Nothing happened here you saw nothing just talking to the sink you saw nothing pouring in the bleach and saying in a thousand years people will question

if there was ever a turd here like Carthage salting the earth. So that's how girls do it. I always wondered why there was no trace of anything ever having happened in a toilet. Of how toilets smell better after a girl's done

a dump in it. Secrets. Girl secrets. secrets bleach and febreze yes less the technique is out less secret and more secret with the ladies um the only other way to get perfect no smell pops is probably to sort of do it through a laminator. So that all your poops are like Han Solo in Star Wars when he gets frozen in there. And it makes like a little screaming face. Just immediately sealed perfectly in plastic.

Blush. Maybe that's what they do with people who are famous and rich enough. Maybe that's what happens to Oprah and Bill Gates. I was gifted by my good friend Elsa a little toilet poopy smell dropper. It's a pipette that dips into this nice smelling liquid. And you unscrew it and you pull the pipette out after you've done a plop. And you drip, drip, drip into the toilet bowl. And it's a nice scent that covers up the poopy odor

oh I see I know what you mean I get it do you remember to use it do you bother it's the kind of thing I would enjoy having but I would forget to ever really do if I leave something that's particularly offensive I go oh I'll use Elsa's gift and I

drip drip drop but I put it in the guest bathroom because I think that's where it's most necessary. Yes, I think that's true. That is most likely to cause embarrassment. The guest bathroom. Yeah, and you want them to look at it. Highest one with highest traffic.

Yeah, yeah. You want them to look at it and think, oh, thank God or something. Exactly, exactly. Yes, okay. I think that's, yeah, that's a good host. That's a good host. Well, so, so this is a point of contention, Phil, because you will understand my disappointment when I discovered smelly Emily Febrezes and Bleaches, leaving not even the faintest whiff of her activities. I, on the other hand, cannot stand the smell of a Febreze-poo.

Yeah, there is something especially noxious about the marriage of a synthetic nice smell and a shit that's definitely still there, but is now mixing in with, I don't know, citrus, lemon lemon or whatever the fragrance is it can make it all the worse in a way it can smell like someone's shat in a laundry

basket exactly Anu says I take great pride in my stench and I refuse to pollute it with fresh cotton the bowl is not there to be respected who says, I take great pride in my stench and I refuse to pollute it with fresh cotton. The bowl is not there to be respected but dominated. One brown beating at a time.

That's really funny. Dominated. The bowl is not there to be respected, but dominated. So they're basically, Anu and Smelly Emily, they're enacting sort of a good cop, bad cop situation on this toilet. Where Emily will come in and go, I'm sorry about my friend. He's crazy.

He's crazy. And then like sprays the toilet. And look, look, look, do you need anything? Let me get you a coffee. And then Anu comes in and goes, fucking tell me where the money is. And just starts beating this beating the shit out of him onto it yes and flicks a cigarette in the bowl like puts it out on the sister and like yeah spill it um and he says I of course flush

and I toilet brush away any skidders I'm not an animal oh good good good which brings me to my question what is your stance on poo etiquette or poopy cat keep on jacking it warm pooey regards Anu thank you Anu

a lovely email really good email it's obviously a very strong poopy lineage, this household of Anu and Smelly Emily. Yes. Toilet etiquette, I think, yeah, I mean, it depends on the toilet, again. You're a sensitive dropper. Look, if it's an en suite, that is your castle. That is for you to stink up as much as you like. Yeah.

Don't even clean it, I'd say. Don't even have a toilet brush in there. Don't even wipe your ass. But if it's the shared toilet or a guest bathroom, yeah, put in some poopy droplets for people who need to cover up the old any stench i still haven't got toilet brushes is this gross the only toilet brush in my house

currently is in the ensuite and it is the one that was left behind by the previous tenants you've got a legacy loo brush like a trusty old butler who has served everyone in this house for the last 50 years and knows all its secrets. I've got a legacy toilet brush. What if it was like the matron woman from Rebecca and the toilet

brush is sort of gaslighting you into thinking you're not as good at shitting. The previous master would have covered the bowl in shit, sir. Oh, stop going on! Leave me be, won't you? That's you leaving the loo in tears. The previous master would give that

porcelain such a brown beating. Better days, sir. Better days? I do fear you are making it soft sir the previous master there was a man who knew how to treat a bowl what's my etiquette I would say avoid avoiding stench maybe when I lived with with men when I lived among men it would have been different

but I've become civilized now of course yeah so have you had to de-stench your life since your girlfriend moved in? I just poo straight into the laminator. Yeah.

Straight into the laminator and then I leave the house with it and I pop it in one of the public bins. I would buy like a shredder and just shit into that. And then dump the shreds into the toilet bowl. And then anyone who sees the toilet bowl full of shreds is like, well, we think he did a shit,

but it's impossible to know. It would take days to put this back together. Celestaming it back together like in... Like in what's that movie with ben affleck oh um we'll have to escape iran i'll go yeah yeah yeah yeah um we'll quickly we'll quickly do uh do one last email here and it is from Horse. Horse? A horse? Yeah, well his Twitter name is

he signed it off Horse. I have his real name here but on Twitter his first name is Horse. H-O-R-S-E, Horse. Horse, yeah. It's not his real name. It must be a nickname. So the subject line is quite funny it's yes very good yes which i think is a you catchphrase maybe yeah it's very good yes oh

yeah yeah i guess it is um so horse says dear senatus pierre polusque roangus wow do you know what that means i think he's addressing us as if we were collectively one roman senator oh okay yeah yeah but i'm not sure what the reference is if it's to a specific senator i'm not that clued up um forward there's a forward because horseville is none other than the person whose review of the podcast that he submitted to The Guardian got us in their list of 50 funny podcasts. Oh, well, thank you so much, Horse. That was greatly appreciated. Yeah.

What a good horse you are. Well, a fine steed. More apples and sugar cubes for this horse. Horse says, It has come to my attention that a short review I did on a whim for the Guardian has been featured In a list of 50 funny podcasts I am not anything to do with any form of media I am a bridge engineer

And not a very good one at that Wow a bridge engineer how cool And not a very good one he says I love a bridge I wasn't very good at Oh no I was fine at bridges I think I was. I built a cantilever that got quite a low mark

because me and my partner, we over-engineered it. We used the beams that were just too thick and strong, not necessarily in wasted material. Anyway, I used to dredge up the past. Ah, the cantilever the past ah the cantilever that could the cantilever that could have been

yeah so Horst says I completed an online form on the Guardian website which was gobbled up by the Guardian I was forewarned that they may want to include it but never believed it would actually occur the response I received from the journalist putting the article together suggested that they may abbreviate some elements but largely retain

the sentiments of the few lines that i wrote um the submission he wrote was bud pod with phil wang and piano valley the comedic duo cover a broad range of topics of discussion including current affairs tat found on facebook marketplace adults pooping themselves the me and mark who life after colostomy bags and public-based chart starting a chicken fist nightclub. Yep. With emphasis on adults pooping and tat, intertwined with skits, listeners' tales of digestive blunders, and generally interesting chat,

the podcast is a wonderful thing, a real silly goose time. Wonderful. Glowing review. So nice. Really nice. That was really good of you. And from a personal perspective, I particularly enjoyed the whole idea of someone in a major media outlet

sitting down to listen to the Shat Her Own Pussy story. Ah, yes, the Nadir. Yes, well, I mean, it's exactly the kind of sex-positive story those draft dodgers at The Guardian would love, so I think it makes perfect sense And horse has included A poop story Lovely

And being a horse I'm sure he has some pretty good ones So He says I am a rower Oh Lovely I am a rower and as part of that I'm a rower, and as part of that, I compete at the Henley Royal Regatta. Gosh. Wow.

Yeah. Which he says is every bit as white and elitist as you might imagine. Good. Good. We won it. We won it. We won it. On my second time competing at the regatta, I was having something of a nervous episode I felt I had completely forgotten

how to row my stomach was in pieces and my appetite for any kind of cooked food had disappeared completely strange while at the event which entails 5 days of racing in a 1v1 knockout format

I was living on a diet of watermelon, Rice Krispies, and Dioralite. Fucking hell. Yeah. How is your body even, like, functioning? Yeah. On the third day of the regatta, it became fairly obvious that my bonnie bowel was bonnie no more.

Hmm. While preparing to go out as a crew for a pre-paddle, short up and down uh the course before racing later in the day i was stretching the boat tent where i was was filling up with the likes of multiple multi-olympic medal winners and athletes from the world's most prestigious clubs my already fragile state was worsening at the sight of competitors and i as i stretched and loosened my body. It was while sitting in the squatted position that I almost completely

filled my lycra rowing suit with diarrhea. The tight cuffs around my thighs meant that rather than falling down my legs, it filled upwards towards my waist. Oh, wow. Oh, no. Yes. Like a bowl. Like a bowl.

Like a bowl. Like a bowl of soup. It was a human soup bowl. Gosh. He says the texture was that of a thick yogurt loosely mixed with a warm pint of piss. No. Horrible. Horrible.

Naughty horse. Bad horse. The liquid components were seeping through the lycra, dripping onto the grass as I excused my way past the great and the good of the international rowing community to the toilets. No. Once in a cubicle, I removed as much feces as possible from myself, my clothing and the toilet seat, got changed into spare kit and headed out onto the water, making as little eye contact as possible. Later that day, we

raced and got absolutely skull-fucked by some Americans and were knocked out of the competition. Koji, horse. Goodness, well, sorry to hear that, horse. And actually, sorry to hear that you didn't have your derriere later on during the race when presumably they could have dipped your ass over the edge and used you as a sort of propeller system.

Yes, yes. Or at the very least dipped your ass over the edge like a kind of a ship's cannon and fired your diarrhea at the Americans. Like Master and Commando or something. I think it's incredible something I think thank you very much to to row like at that

at that level on a diet of watermelon and rice cakes implausible and mad yeah

implausible and mad you don't want to be the Viet Cong of rowing just living on a single bowl

of rice a day thank you for that great email and for the Guardian review yes thank you very much I think we thanked you on Twitter at the time but god damn it we'll thank you again and

well the time has come to say goodbye till next week listeners and Phil I will see you in the VIP lounge. Yes. See all you other patrons in the VIP lounge where Pierre and I will discuss some more heaty subjects. The Patreon is still available to join and always will be.

So please do sign up for one of our tiers and get access to some exclusive stuff. But until next week, bye-bye. Bye.