BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 143 - Enormous Mattress Salesman

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie discuss Arnie's mattress sales in Jingle All The Way, decorating the tree, train voice announcements, Dutch bicycle zombies and more! Sketch is Lucky Kentucky Christmas tradition, correspondence includes Jimmy Helmet and aphantasia - no mind organs! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's BudPod 143! 143! Dum-dum-dee! That's me right now, just biding my time until Christmas. Dum-dum-dee! Dee-dee-doo! Dum-dum-dee! Dum-dum-dee!

Is that how you wait for Christmas? Like a sort of... Fairly chilled out like doop-a-doo. You're in a good mood at the bus stop. Yeah, just like a little gnome just sat on a ledge with my little legs dangling. Dum-dum-dee.

I look like Rumpelstiltskin. Just a little evil look on my face. Dum-dum-dee. Yeah, that's an unsettling approach to Christmas, but I like it. Yes, I've made the mad dash out of Saigon, out of

London. Yes, we're like Samuel Pepys, aren't we? Fleeing plague-ridden London. Yes, history repeats itself, Pierre. I've dashed out, because London, for anyone who doesn't live in London, London is basically

turning into the London of 28 Days Later Yes. Right now it's happening all over again and unlike the Tory party, I learn from my past mistakes and so I've gotten out quick before shit really hits the fan

Yeah, we made our escape, didn't we? And yeah, it's like 28 days later, but the zombies can't sprint because they're coughing. And they're not really interested in eating your brains because they can't taste anything. Yeah, and everything, their bones ache and they have a headache. It's mostly just, it's like zombies that, they're trying to sprint,

but they just have to keep stopping and going, and just having a coughing fit, like hands on knees. I'm just, I'm just really tired all the time. It's different for every zombie. Some don't even like brains Some can taste the brains Some can't taste the brains We still don't really understand this virus What do you think the R rate was

For the rage virus That's true I mean much higher by the looks of things i mean in those zombie movies the the the virus seems to spread so fast people can't even park their cars you know cars just ram into each other so i think that's yeah that's a pretty high r that's an r of what yeah the first the first symptom of of zombie virus in film seems to be that you you crash your car in um an immediately unnerving way. Like into a fire hydrant outside a school or something.

Yeah, the zombie disease attacks the part of your brain first that learned learned to drive that's the first part of the brain that the virus attacks and it's a school bus it's much less scary in the netherlands where it's just zombies cycling into each other brain and instead of like you know how like an american movie is to be like a crashed police cruiser with like a zombie in the back and the policeman's head will be on the horn it'll just be like like the whole time yeah in the netherlands it's just ding ding ding ding ding just like a bell yeah they're slumped over on the handlebars but the fingers just going crazy on the bell to be fair that's kind of terrifying now that i imagine it it is an erratic ringing of a of a

bicycle bell yeah and like and a really rapidly moving finger on an otherwise dead person that's horrible yeah yeah fair play dutch zombies you've scared me i had to make a mad dash out of my my house in london to get back here and in my panic i left my headphones which i need for this that is a mad dash if you lose your headphones That is a mad dash if you lose your headphones. It's a mad, mad dash. And so instead, so I bought online just like a cheap pair of, I looked up best cheap earphones. It's all the Louis line of cost and value for earphones, Bluetooth earphones.

And I got a pair of earfun, earfun, I've got earfun earphones and i got a pair of ear fun ear fun i've got ear fun earphones no i mean an ear fun sounds so much like i mean it sounds like a sex thing i'm into ear fun it sounds like you're trying to say earphone a sort of bad jamaican accent ah that might be it because there's an umlaut over the u earphone earphone earphone earphone have a little bit of earphone hey what say you and me go upstairs and have some earphone that's what i say to these these things whenever i want to listen to a podcast it's they're basically like airpod clones so they come in this little capsule and some headphones have um a lady that welcomes you to them you know where they go bluetooth on oh yeah paired connected and the lady on the earphones sounds quite nervous she sounds she's

the most nervous of the headphone ladies i've ever heard. She'll go, connecting. Like that. Oh, no. Turned on. It's like she's constantly scared they're going to get done for copyright infringement from Apple. Connecting, but don't tell anyone. Pairing, but keep it on the down low.

She sounds like she's almost getting a small thrill out of it. Well, she's as into your fun as anybody. Well, that's, yeah, she's getting off on the idea that Apple will catch her. Pairing. Oh, no. That's the worst when there's been like a weird, like a slightly weird session in the recording booth where it sounded normal in the flow of the sentence,

but clipped, it becomes weird. There's a few of those on the tube in London, aren't there? Right. Yeah, sometimes they'll just stop mid-sentence. Sometimes they stop mid-sentence, but there's one where I'm trying to remember what it is. It's the lady announcing voice on the tube. And it's not this,

because this isn't something that you hear on the tube, but it's something like, change here for blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then the voice goes, and international lines. And it sort of goes like... It just goes a bit weird. And international... Do you reckon I was from a different recording session

definitely Janet we know it's not going to be easy but if you could sort of try and recall the energy you were in when we recorded this is King's Cross she'd had a coffee this is King's Cross

yeah that was recorded last year if you could just remember the kind of energy you were in at the time and just add and international lines that'd be great okay um and international lines I think I was really scared that day yeah she'd seen the news

about the Omicron and now she's brought that energy and international lines and it just it always makes me like my eye twitch because it just doesn't fit right yeah

what gets me is when they have to rattle off the list of stops of stations but it's obvious like they've recorded some stations as part of a list and some stations as the end of the list yes so they go calling at houston square and you go oh right that's it yeah yeah yeah they just go up at the end because something's gone there's something's gone weird about scheduling. Yeah, and sometimes it's recorded in a way where the accent, in my opinion on the tube,

this is my big controversial opinion today, Phil, the way the lady says borough for the northern line sounds like nothing. As in she throws it away, like bor it away like yeah and it'd be like the next station is nah and i have to check every time because i just like you know you only have a like half listening to make sure you're just vaguely on the right track and then it's just nah i have to go well it can't be mad i have I have to check She says burra as if she's just been Taken by the zombie virus

The next station is Burr Burr Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding Ding ding ding Yeah whereas I would say burra Burra, yeah I'd say burra I put some effort in it whereas it's like

Burr, burr It's too posh borough borough borough and americans say borough borough are you going to borough market borough borough you're in a borough market borough edin borough I like, yeah, there's not enough enunciation and then there's the weird one. Yeah, there is one where when it cuts off in mid-sentence it can sound quite funny because it's sort of, passengers are advised to... Oh, yeah, a real cliffhanger. advice to what advice to what what i hate the

most is when the driver tries to talk to you and they've decided that for some reason the speakers the driver uses are just made out of you know old eggshells yeah and tinfoil yeah and then like the the lady voice is like this is king's cross Cross St. Pancras. Nice and clear. The driver will come on, and you've been standing at the platform because of unknown reasons for like five minutes, and he'll come on and just go, And it's like the quietest, most metallic, incomprehensible thing you've ever heard, and it's delivering actual live

information on like whatever yeah like important information yeah what is that you already know is clear as hell like this is a train it's like yeah i know but then like the train stops yeah and there's just flames everywhere and like a demon flying around outside the right hand window and just it's like oh god what's going on that's about the demon isn't it sorry and then you lean over across the aisle sorry did he say something about the demon outside

and they're like yeah but I couldn't quite I couldn't hear it and there's like some Spanish tourists yelling at each other in Spanish and you can't hear through. You're kind of going, excuse me. And you can just make out the word crucifix, you think, maybe. Sorry, did you say sacrifice? Something about sacrifice. I don't know.

I couldn't hear because of Spanish people. Tradition I don't know about you But there's just something about The time of year That makes me and the rest of us Here at Lucky Kentucky Think about tradition Tradition matters To everybody And the rest of us here at Lucky Kentucky think about tradition.

Tradition matters to everybody, especially to Lucky Kentucky. All those years ago, when our founder, Jimmy McNally, squeezed those first octopus eggs and made the first bottle of delicious, warm and lucky Kentucky bourbon whiskey. It was tradition he had on his mind. He would always say, this country's traditions are being eroded by wave upon wave of immigration from the third world. wave of immigration from the third world. He could be spicy sometimes, but our

Jimmy sure did know how to make it a good whiskey. So, this Christmas season, embrace tradition. Christian tradition. Christian, western tradition that Jimmy McNeely so loved. Christian tradition. Christian Western tradition

that Jimmy McNeely so loved. And embrace a bottle of Lucky Kentucky Whiskey. It's not just a bottle of whiskey made out of octopus eggs. It's a bottle

of tradition. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. I was going to say, your adventure into headphone purchasing the louis line yeah you reminded me of um a bold experiment i conducted once um i left my headphones at home and um this is back when i lived in in even further north in North London than I do now.

So I was near Wood Green and I was in Wood Green. And I didn't have my headphones and I was killing time before a bus or something. And I thought, okay, you know what, Phil? I'm going to do it. I'm going to go into Poundland and buy their headphones. Wow. Yeah. That is bold.

I thought, you know what? I cannot believe that Poundland sells headphones at all. So let's see what this is about. Because this is mental. Yeah, exactly. So I went in and, like a lot of stuff in Poundland,

they were marginally more than a pound. Yeah. Always a letdown. Two pounds? Yeah, they were like two pounds ten or something like they were very very cheap and i thought and the wire looked very thin very thin and i thought okay and i bought them and i popped them in plug them in and i played something and the sound that smashed into my ears

i don't i've never heard anything like it i honestly i honestly could not believe that that was how anything was ever supposed to sound was it just them going over and over this cost a pound this cost a pound this cost a pound. This cost a pound. It was literally like, it was all like a tinny, like high tenor. Like there was no bass to it at all. Right, yeah. So it was like only the highest wavelengths of what I was listening to accompanied just by like insane. It was like an Aphex Twin B-side.

It was bad. Wow. It was really bad even though how are they making a profit on that i think well here's the thing is that like then and then something i think that they got tangled up where i was kind of looking at them and the wires were so thin i tugged at them a bit and they just snapped like a long thin bit of chewing gum i genuinely i genuinely think that like the wire inside the wire was like do you know what i mean when i say like one wire thick yes i do yeah like not even having been wrapped. It's like not even when you cut open a power cable and there's wires sort of twisted. Yeah. It's one of those.

Yes. It was a single wire. It was a single wire with like some chewing gum as insulation and it just came apart like it stretched and went like, and one headphone just popped off like a bit of a bit of chewing gum oh if I were there I would have dared

you to go back and ask for your money back I wouldn't even have asked for my money back I would have just gone back and showed them and just gone why sell these what are these for I'm not angry I don't want my money back I just want I'd have just gone back and showed them and just gone, why sell these? What are these for? I'm not angry. I don't want my money back. I just want to know why sell these.

I just want to know. It's not that these work, but they're not very good. It's that they don't work and they're mad. So what's happening here? I went to a pound line recently. And yeah, some of them things are more than a pound some of the things like three pounds it's inflation baby it's here i guess but it's so it's pound land just like is that more of a mission statement then yeah then a commitment it's like the uh it's like what we are as our ideal our ideal it's what we are aiming towards yeah

our dream is what they're saying is that everything would in our world everything would be a pound yeah okay unfortunately unfortunately that is not the case but we're working together some things in this world are

£3 but we here at Poundland Dream of a World where even they will at some point be £1 yeah they're kind of utopian in that sense yeah they acknowledge their failures openly but they say it's all worth

it in pursuit of a dream where a man can buy headphones made of chewing gum for one pound. I bought a pack of envelopes there for one pound. No complaints. They work. I guess it's quite hard to get an envelope wrong. Yes, apparently one of the funny things about Poundland is there's stuff in there that costs a pound that actually shouldn't. Like, it actually should be cheaper.

I guess that's how they make it up yeah what do you think what do you think it's like to be like the like the the head of poundland like the rich the rich guy who runs the massive like they've got to have like a corporate board and all that right yeah of course and when he goes off and he meets other ceos do they treat him like this the poundland ceo yeah do they do they say do they say oh don't don't let him order the wine or whatever like do they fuck with him the whole time surely it would be funny if like the poundland ceo had to like in like a display of loyalty had to use as much of his own products as possible so like his ties just like unraveling and yeah and that's

how they insult him like where do you hey tim where do you buy that suit your shop yeah and and he has to say yes and he's like this is outrageous I'm leaving and he stands up and all his clothes just like burst apart his shoes just kind of he walks away but his shoes just like stay behind like his feet just somehow leave them perfectly. It's also terrible because a Poundland CEO just sounds like a bad CEO.

But of course there is an actual Poundland CEO of Poundland. Yeah, people would be like, what does Robert do? He's the CEO of Poundland. They'd be like, no, that's mean. No, what is he doing? It's like, no, no does Robert do? He's the CEO of Poundland. They'd be like, no, that's mean. No, what is he doing? It's like, no, no. He's a pound shop CEO.

I was like, hey, don't be rude. I thought he was good at his job. No, no, he is a pound shop. He's a CEO of a pound shop. Yeah. Yeah, it was his idea to sell tinsel by weight, you know. He's a big cheese. Speaking of, we decorated our tree last night.

It was very wholesome and family orientated. Very nice. Are you a tree family? We are a tree family, but, um, the, the tree, the tree had been dealt with by the time I got home, i am i'm not fully against to be honest because i learned i think i don't know if you found this as a boy with two sisters but there's a point where as the boy you you realize that you you care much less about certain things than the two girls do and you just let them do it that's true especially yeah things like decorating things i guess yeah they're so into it that you just think the pleasure i get from knowing that the you know the the tree moderately accords with

my design is less than the pleasure i get from avoiding you know like an argument with with my sisters yeah i always look forward to it like it's a big important family bonding moment and for like a couple of moments like ah I'm hanging decorations on the tree and I can choose where they go and this is ah with my family and then by the time he gets the tinsel I'm like

I cannot be fucked yeah put it on I don't care and I just sit down I cannot be fucked with tinsel but I think so much of the tree decorating myth i realized i learned i picked up from maybe the true greatest ever christmas movie jingle all the way with arnold schwarzenegger who plays... Have you seen Jingle All the Way? Years ago.

I must have watched it like 50 times when I was a kid. What? Jingle All the Way. Yeah, it's Arnold Schwarzenegger as an all-American dad who sounds like an Austrian bodybuilder, weirdly, and makes no attempt at changing his accent.

He looks like one. I mean, he's called like Hank Patowski or something. And makes no attempt of changing his accent. And looks like one. I mean, he's called like Hank Patowski or something. They just call him Hank or something. And they never say he's from anywhere. They never say he's an immigrant. He's just an all-American guy with his son, Jamie. And he comes home, Jamie!

And Jamie runs at him, Dad! You gonna decorate the tree? Of course, Jamie! We decorate runs at him. Dad! You gonna decorate the tree? Of course, Jamie! We decorate it together every year! I can't wait, Jamie! And then he has to track down a Turbo Man doll, which is the superhero that Jamie's obsessed with.

And all the kids are obsessed with, right? And that year, this Turbo Man doll is a big Christmas present of the year. And he leaves it too late because he's working too hard at his all-American job. And every time he hangs up the phone, he goes,

you're my favorite customer. And he leaves it too late. And he tries to buy a Turbo Man doll. Do you have any Turbo Mans? He just runs into all the shops. Turbo Man! And everyone laughs at him because he's left it so late i need a turbo man and there's a bit later on where he's if he ran in you'd be so terrified of this enormous man you'd fucking give him one

i mean he's enormous it's like peak like not sort of saggy, current-day Arnold Schwarzenegger. This is like peak Arnold Schwarzenegger. He could break you with a thumb. And people are like sarky to him. It's like, do you have eyes? Have you not taken in how enormous this Austrian man is? This is not a man to be traveled with. Turbo man. not a man to be traveled with turbo man

but he makes such a big deal of putting a star on his tree and at one point he looks in after he's been cast out of his family for you know the second act or whatever where he has to be cast out and he looks in and his rival his neighbor is putting the star on

his tree he's like, is putting the star on his tree. He's like, he's putting my star on my Christmas tree. That's my tree. And because of that, I've always felt like decorating the tree is really important. It's like a very important masculine part of the Christmas tradition. Yeah. If I'm not there to decorate my family's tree i'm a cuck like that's what i took in from that from watching yeah his neighbor his neighbor was symbolically sort of coming on the top of his tree yeah exactly exactly in some in some sort

of shakespearean metaphor like i'll i'll star your tree madam And I always watch that bit like thinking, is like the unspoken backstory here, like the tiny Austrian village where Hank is from places a lot of importance on putting the star on the tree. And this is a backstory that was only ever alluded to in Jinkle All The Way, but they never come out and say it. Or the fact that like imagine the balls on the neighbour to

fuck with that guy. He tries to fuck his wife, the neighbour. I mean! Have you noticed that your neighbour's Arnold Schwarzenegger? Jamie! It's a great

movie. It's a really good movie. Yeah, no one says, like, you know, well, what's the deal with his accent? And it's like, well, never mind his accent. I mean, look at... He's literally... He's Mr. Universe level. His level of muscles is globally significant.

And everyone's just like, I guess he must lift some weights before he comes to his sales job. Yeah. His amount of muscle mass was an international event. It was a...

He's like muscular to a UN level. international event. It was a... Like, he's like muscular to a UN level. He's Mr. Universe. Also, like, at some point, you know, they've got to reference it in terms of in the movie, like, Dad, are you going to have a Christmas

meal with us, or are you just going to do what you normally do and eat, you know eat 14 cod fillets? And I like that in all those American films the little kid always has the same haircut as the little kid from The Shining. It's just like a fucking huge bowl. always has the same haircut as the little kid from The Shining. It's just like a fucking huge bowl.

Yeah, for all of the 90s, there was one ideal American child, which was this very pale three foot tall boy with light hair in that Hayley Joel Osment sort of

bob. Yeah, like an insanely thick bowl of hair. Yes, yes, yes. Lot of volume. A lot of volume. It looks like a fucking L'Oreal advert. Little boys in the 90s were using a lot of conditioner. They were using, except the bully,

who's always got, who's fat and has red hair, it's spiked. Oh, yeah. It's spiked. Oh, yeah. It's spiked with gel. And they always cast a kid... Jamie! I want to look up how he looks in the film because I do remember

I started to doubt myself until you said, Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. And I bet it's set in an anonymous Midwest town, right? Actually, depending on where

in the Midwest, they'd just be like, why? He's a fine American German. You know what? I think it's Minneapolis. That's very specific. I think it's Minneapolis. I think very specific. I think it's Minneapolis. I think the last time I watched it, they were like, Minneapolis? God, you're right.

The plot. Here's how the plot starts. Workaholic Minneapolis mattress salesman Howard Langston. Howard Langston. Howard Langston. It's like the subplot. The subplot is that he was one of the highest ranking 17 year old Nazis

And he's just clearly living a cover I mean get fucked Howard Langston There's nothing more escaped Nazi Hiding than mattress salesman Howard Langston I'm a mattress salesman from Minneapolis. Born and bred.

Go Wildcats. I'm going on holiday to Argentina again on my own. No reason why I like the weather. He's a workaholic, Phil, and he's unable to find time for his family and often put in a bad light by his neighbor, divorcee, Ted Malton. That's right, Ted. Ted, ted ted the bravest man in america yeah and ted's like not a big guy he's sort of a schlubby kind of weak looking dude and he takes on arnold schwarzenegger for his wife and home

ted wants to fuck arnold Ted wants to fuck Arnold Schwarzenegger's wife so badly he's willing to have all of his genitals ripped off in one swift movement. Like a bear gutting a salmon. Just blah. Arnold's going to grab his dick and balls and tear his head off

from that point. grab his dick and balls and tear his head off from that point. What does the rest of the synopsis say? Jamie's a little prick, by the way, the kid. He's an annoying little kid. It's always funny to me that in a country like America, where it's like, well, if I don't have an income, there's no medicine for anyone.

Everyone's like, dad, you work too much. You fucking boring old fuck. you missed my pointless childhood event and it's like yeah because you need to go to the dentist so after missing jamie's karate class graduation huh he's like jamie you have to pay for the ambulance in this country you have to pay2,000 if you get picked up by an ambulance in an emergency. Yeah, I'm not going to watch your peewee baseball game, okay? Jamie, I sell mattresses. Over the phone. what about that chest of gold coins in the attic you shouldn't go up there that's for emergencies only dad who are the goldsteins put that down

put that back Dad, who are the Goldsteins? Put that down! Put that back. Insane how many Nazis still get hunted now, isn't it? Mad. What, in South America? No, well, sometimes it's just like a guy who was an active guard at a concentration camp, and he's like 93, and he's just been living in Germany the whole time, and it's almost like a guy who was an active guard at a concentration camp,

and he's like 93, and he's just been living in Germany the whole time. And it's almost like everyone goes, I knew there was something I meant to do. And then they go and put him on trial. Oh, right. It's so weird. I mean, it's good, but it's insane that they were just sat there just hanging out in their town, and people are like,

oh, you'll never guess who I saw at the supermarket. That guy. Insane. So, Phil, do people are like, oh, you'll never guess who I saw at the supermarket. That guy. Insane. So, Phil, do you know what he did, though? How? He missed Jamie's karate class graduation. That's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

A very 90s event, Phil. Well, I was doing kung fu as a kid at the time, so it felt, this was the perfect movie for me. Yes. Yes, and I bet you had kind of a bowl haircut. You know what? I think I might have. Yeah. I think I might have. It's all fitting together.

Howard resolves to redeem himself by fulfilling Jamie's Christmas wish of an action figure of Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. A popular television superhero. Jamie, mate, your dad is built like a superhero what's your problem your dad is the terminator he's literally the terminator your dad is stronger than turbo man despite liz actually having asked him to buy one two weeks earlier which howard forgot about

Liz actually having asked him to buy one two weeks earlier, which Howard forgot about. I was busy with the mattresses. I was trying to close a deal with Holiday Inn, Jamie. The commission alone. Howard sets out to buy the toy, but finds that every store has sold out and in the process develops a rivalry with Myron Larrabee

a postal worker father with the same ambition yes played by an American comedian called just called Sinbad oh yeah Sinbad yes Sinbad yeah yes and again another one of the bravest men in the country developing any kind of fucking

rivalry with Howard Langston. Well, this was at a time where there was this running joke in America where people who worked for the Postal Service were basically mad and they'd been driven and, you know, that phrase, going postal,

basically taking a gun into work yeah um so he's a postman and he's like i think that is sort of where he gets his mad bravery from is this sort of apparently american unspoken understanding that people who work for the post service are a moment away from flipping and murdering everyone in the vicinity yeah i mean what a what a country country where that's the main thing you think of when it comes to someone who works in the postal service. Also, like, what a charming and nostalgic throwback to a time when it was only really one career where people flipped out and shot everyone.

Yeah, yeah. Whereas now, I guess it would just be like, oh, he didn't go personal. He went, you know, guy. He went guy with job. He went guy. He went school kid. He went school student.

He went person alive. Yeah, he went full on lonely kid in a trench coat. Oh, shit. Have you seen that video of the kids running out? There's a shooting a couple of weeks ago in America, so

I don't know. Look back 120 shootings and you'll find it. Yeah. These kids are videoing them hiding in a classroom as there's a gunman outside the hallway somewhere. And they hear a kid at the door going,

Hey, come, guys, open the door. Oh, no, no. Yeah, there's someone at the door. And it sounds like he says, I'm a policeman. Let me in. Let me in. You're all right. I'm a policeman.

And then one of the kids says from inside the class, We don't feel safe doing that, man. We don't feel safe doing that. And then the guy on the other side of the door goes hey come on bro and then the second he says bro all the kids go he said bro he said bro that's not him he said bro he's not a cop and they just start running out the window because this guy just let slip the word bro and like revealed that he wasn't, he was someone their age, um, and not a policeman.

And that's how they knew it was a gunman. And they, they just ran out the window. Jesus Christ. Crackers. It's crackers. Anyway, that's good.

There's gotta be a whole generation of American kids. We're like, for them, there's going to be no point in watching any kind of horror movie or action movie. Cause none of it's going to compare with just like going to school it's fucking nuts god damn i mean they have to do gun drills right and in american schools like yeah they have to do fire drills and they have to do um gunman drills nuts i mean that's absolutely nuts and that is

like something from a horror film like a demon trying to trick his way into your fucking house but you know who would be able to save them howard langston that's a salesman well i think what we're learning is that because of baffling reasons howard langston would have to be like okay man don't hurt me and it'd be like what what it's like everyone has body dysmorphia about how big Howard Langston is. It's like, he's just a humble mattress salesman. It's like, no, look at him.

Am I the only one who sees this? He's the size of a mattress. Do they measure the mattresses off him? Yeah, he sells them by flinging them towards the customer. That's how he posts them. he just he does it like a like a discus he just spins around with a whole bed and just into the fucking sky yeah like the hulk throwing an american tank yes and no one sees anything remarkable about this is there any other like do you think that putting Schwarzenegger in all those roles

was in a way like the ultimate blind casting right yeah he was just so good on tape he was so good as Howard Langston that they just went we're going to ignore the fact that you're like the strongest man on Earth. If you haven't seen Jingle All The Way, I highly recommend it. It's so 90s.

It's so insane. It's really entertaining. It's such a nostalgia such a A nostalgia trip A festive romp It's Schwarzenegger at his Ludicrous best Shall we do A festive romp

Some correspondence for you Philip Yes Yes Philip? Yes. Yes. Letters. Emails. Phone calligraphy. Your sister. Correspondence. Find it.

I feel like Santa Claus reading all the letters to the North Pole. But all the children want a piece of poo! Scrolling, scrolling. So, it's an email from Joe. Joe, ho, ho, ho. It's Joe, from Joe Joe ho ho ho it's Joe Joe Joe it's Joe Joe Joe

he says Joe says dear postman and Pat I like that that's nice on listening to your remarks about episode 109 being an abyss for forgotten names and details yes it's true.

It happens. It happens. It's true. And if you want to find out about how memory works and all of our research into that, you'll have to find episode 109. It reminded me, says Joe, of what my dad does when he can't remember somebody's name. For example, we'd be watching a film and a vaguely familiar face appears on screen. My father then begins to reassure us

that he recognizes said actor. Everyone relax. It's okay. I know who this man is. I know who that is. Yeah. That's funny. Don't worry, everybody. Yeah, he's not really him. He's someone else,. I know who that is. Yeah. That's funny. Don't worry everybody. Yeah. He's not really him.

He's someone else and I know that. Reassures a very funny verb for that, Joe. He reassures us that he recognizes said actor and then says, oh, that's him slash her who was in, insert film title, you know, Johnny Helmet. Right, so he just makes up a name well he says i've always assumed

he's referring to a penis's helmet but i can't be sure for some reason the helmet has become a placeholder in my dad's brain for a name you cannot remember and then spend the next 20 minutes trying to figure out what he means oh gosh right so he's like you know johnny helmet helmet ah i wonder where helmet is from That's interesting It's probably quite a good technique really It's probably better than just like Just leaving a blank space

Put something there and then correct it Yeah, do you do anything like this? I say Mildred a lot for someone When I When I can't really remember someone's name I say the phrase his name is ooh

and then it'll sometimes come like a Jason Bourne memory trigger yeah exactly so I realise I have to text someone and then I just have a blank on the name I go his name is Bloopy and then I just have a blank on the name. I go, his name is Bloopy. And then I put Bloopy

or whatever. Yeah. But it doesn't always work. So you don't do any placeholder nonsense names? No, but maybe I should. It can be quite fun. You can just go, you know, fucking Mildred Pumpkins. Yeah, you do

Mildred a lot. Yeah. Iildred a lot yeah I do Joanna a lot for women I always go to Joanna oh really that's interesting yeah Joanna I don't know I don't know why I don't know why I've picked Mildred I think it's funny because it's never Mildred I think that's why I like it

yeah that's probably a good call Timmy Jimmy for guys it's Jimmy Jimmy Johnny yeah he says yeah for his dad Helmut is like his very own episode 109 as weird as it is I kind of like it what are your thoughts

Koji Jo yeah I think it's I think it can sometimes help but then when my dad does the same thing my mum hates it because she can't think of any name other than the fake one. Yeah, that is the danger. Yeah. So my dad will be like, you know, thingy.

Fucking, you know, Jimmy Napoleon. And my mom will be like, well, that's their name now in my head forever. That's replaced whatever could have been their real name as I was trying to remember it Thank you Joe We have an interesting Little email From Jenny

Jenny from the block It's Is that like Scrooge Could it be Jenny Jenny from the block Is that like Scrooge? Could it be Jenny? Jenny from the block? How is the block? You there, Jenny, what block is this?

Remarkable Jenny. Fabulous Jenny. What, this block? What, it's the Bronx, sir. Oh, then I haven't missed it. Oh, you remarkable girl. Have you seen that ass? The biggest ass in the poulterers around the corner? Well, the one as big as me, sir. That's it, Jenny. That's the one.

I want you to go and buy that big ass. And build a career out of it, Jenny. All right, sir. And if you do it in five minutes, I'll give you a crown. Oh, and she runs off. Do you know what I've never understood about that? If I was the Cratchit family and I'd already planned Christmas Day and you showed up with like a fucking 50kg raw turkey, I'd be like, well

I hope you look forward to eating this at 3am I watched a Christmas Carol movie on TV it's like an old one, it's really good, I've never seen it before and they just... The Poulterer delivers the big turkey to the Cratcher family

and it's just like a full bird. It's not plucked or anything. What? It's not like butchers. It looks like he just handed him, like, roadkill. And of course Cratcher's like, wow! A turkey! But if I was handed that I'd be like

What a massive job you've created for me So Jenny says Hello bum chums Oh, bum, yeah, bum chums Okay That can mean a different thing depending on Your upbringing Jenny says

I wanted to tell you about my two Afantasian friends Afantasian What does that mean We were talking about Afantasia a while ago Where people can't picture stuff Oh yes yes yes She says one of them has no mind's eye

So that's the one we talked about Yep I can't picture something yet And the other one has no mind's eye Ear nose tongue or fingers Etc So they can't Imagine tastes or sounds

This is what I Think I wonder with these people What are your thoughts how do you have any thoughts is it just words is it just words yeah it's so weird so Jenny says they have been subjected to much quizzing and I have extracted this information

one Mr No Minds Eye dreams in sounds and his memories have audio and like a list of events that have happened, like a podcast and its blurb. Gosh. It sounds... I hope these people are happy, but it sounds absolutely

hellish to me. It does sound like hell. He can't explain how he recognises faces and tried his best to describe his memory of what I look like and all he came up with is reddish. Luckily, I'm ginger, so it's pretty on point. Okay, well, that's fair. That's something. Three.

Mr. No Minds Organs Whatsoever only recently discovered the rich inner lives of others and is astounded that I can hold the taste of pizza on my mind's tongue or I can imagine a cat doing cartwheels and actually see it in my head. I'm tasting pizza

and watching a cat now. Yeah. He also doesn't think he's ever had a dream and thinks entirely in words. Like his whole life is stored as a series of wiki pages. That's baffling. It's like data from Star Trek or something.

Ah. Maybe these people are androids and they don't know it. Bunch of droids. In conclusion, she says, you could be missing a mind's organ you've not even thought about. Bye, Jenny. A mind's organ.

Yeah, gosh, yeah. P.S. I don't think aphantasian is a real word, but I like the idea that aphantasia is a magical country that people with aphantasia secretly come from. Yeah. It'd be interesting to see what the buildings are like when no one can picture anything. They're all just grey cubes.

And they all have, like, all the signs are written in like Arial font It all just said Building Restaurant Well thank you very much

Jenny from the block Thank you Jenny from the block for that Mental imaging shock Do you think you're missing a mind's organ? Me? Me? I guess I don't Imagine

Touch very often But I can Yeah, I don't You don't imagine it automatically It'd be funny to be missing, say, a mind bollock. Yeah, I can't imagine cumming. That's the one thing I can't imagine. I can't imagine dropping a hot load on anything.

Don't they say that sex and childbirth is a program to just forget, so you just have to keep repeating it? That's right, yeah. But you also do remember that sex is good. Yeah. You know it's good, but you can't quite put your finger on why. Yeah. I need to do it one more time, one more time,

one more time. I've almost got it now. I just need it one more time. Like Pringles. Once you pop, you can't stop. That's true. That's right. And that's about virginity. But unfortunately, we have to stop this.

Yes, we do. The free version of the pod is coming to a close. But the patrons among you, we shall now lead by hand into Santa's grotto, where Gare and I both dressed as Santa will regale you with tails of the North Pole

and which reindeer is our secret favourite? Yes, yes, and we're both wearing one Santa outfit, one tops, one bottoms Like if Santa was a pantomime horse You're both wearing one Santa outfit. One tops, one bottoms. Like if Santa was a pantomime horse. Yes, yes. Yeah.

Thanks for listening, guys, and a very merry winter holiday, if that's what you have to say these days. I can't say anything these days. Well, yeah, have a very merry contagious new variant it's contagious new variant festival yes enjoy enjoy don't catch it

Merry Xmas guys love you bye bye