BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 144 - Winter Employee

Episode Date: December 29, 2021

Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie talk Scrooge ghosts, beef Christmas and many meats, wine, sleepyfart diners, Americans being on drugs, losing flesh and what babies were doing up there. Correspondence: Guy in camping shower. Sketch: Scrooge doesn't get what he's supposed to think. Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 144. 144. Please no more. That's my attitude to Christmas leftovers right now, Pierre. I am so full. I'm currently actually nibbling on something. I won't do this too much because of your misophonia, but can you tell what I'm eating from this sound?

Is it like a fist-sized piece of cheese? No, I was hoping you'd hear the tight ripping of dried fibres. Oh, well, if there are fibres involved, Phil, and it's dry, I'm guessing turkey. Think more culturally relevant to you, specifically.

Oh, hold on. You, my friend, are chewing on some beef chilli biltong bites. Yes, I am. Beef chili bites bought from Bath in Somerset, the home of biltong. There was a little South African stand in a market in town, a little festive market.

And I bought me some chili bites on your recommendation. For those of you who haven't had biltong before, think of a strip of... If a strip of beef had sex with a rope, their union would make biltong. Yes, yeah. Yes, and their cousin is like some cumin seeds and some vinegar, maybe.

It's very tasty. I like it a lot. I'm certainly working my way through the bag of the Christmas season. There's nothing more Christmassy, at least in my house, than having a sort of small polythene sack of beef that you slowly eat over a period of many days.

Yes. Do you have any South African touches to your family Christmas lunch? I would say the sheer amount of meat is probably the most South African touch. Yeah. Yeah, the level of meat is heavy. You go for a multi-meat Christmas dinner? Yes, we're multi-meat-ual.

We speak many meats. We've got a big old but we've got a big old turkey that we've marinated oh lovely we put it in a uh that we brined we stuck it in a stick it in a big bath and put it in a shed wow like it's quite hard to find a container they'll take a whole turkey. Oh yeah, man. This container is like, you know, this massive fucking home storage things that people fill with like Lego and things. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Like something Walter White would dissolve a body in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whereas if you imagine Walter White tipping the body of a cartel member into a big tub,

but the tub is full of cloves and cinnamon and orange peel and he's going this will be great in a few days I'm the one who brines etc that's great brining Jesse with a B anyway those are very out-of-date references.

Those are very out-of-date references. I just, me and my sisters just finished, we watched the whole series just over the Christmas break of a show called Your Honor with Bryan Cranston. Oh, right, yeah. They're essentially trying to redo Breaking Bad. He's a judge in New Orleans and his son

accidentally hits and kills a kid a 17 year old boy with his car and he runs it's a hit and run and Bryan Cranston says look we have to do the right thing and he takes his son to the police station but as he's there

he sees a crying bereaved mother and father and realizes the father of the boy he killed is New Orleans' most vicious gangster crime lord. And so

then Bryan Cranston, who plays a very respected judge, has to decide how far is he willing to go for justice and how far is he willing to go for his son it's quite good stuff it's quite good stuff

it is the whole way through it does feel like the producers are going please think this is Breaking Bad and it never gets quite as good as Breaking Bad but it's good fun so it is actually worth doing then it's not just like a terrible knockoff it's not a terrible knockoff

as the series progresses there it's one of these shows that starts a few storylines that it kind of forgets about and gives up on which isn't great. Right. Yeah. There's a few threads where you go, oh, what's going to happen

there? And literally nothing happens. Oh, okay. It is funny where some incredibly high budget show has like seven episodes where people will be like but what about this ring? This ring! And then they just go

oh that's my ring oh you found it and then that's it they've just dumped it for some reason I always want to know what the hell happened in the writers room yeah this is what I'm thinking like how the yeah how much did they plan at the beginning and how much were they

just making up along the way to give you an idea of how much the writers were working sort of on the fly, during filming COVID happened and all the characters then start wearing masks and COVID becomes a reason he can't have lots of people in the courtroom. So it feels like they were kind of going with the flow.

Right. So it was almost like Curb Your Enthusiasm, but like crime thriller edition, where they were just like, here's what needs to happen in the scene. You just say whatever you want. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also Bryan Cranston plays a sort of Larry David-esque judge.

Was it a stop and kill? Or was it just a stop and chat? Was it a stop and kill? What are you dealing? Are you dealing drugs? Was it a gift? Was? Or was it just a stop and chat? Was it a stop and kill? What are you dealing? Are you dealing drugs? Was it a gift? Was I supposed to pay for it? You hand it over to me like this?

I don't know. You want money? Yeah. That would be good. I like this TV show idea. He says, buying with intent. Intent to what? I mean...

Intent to distribute. I mean, if I give it to my friend, am I distributing? Yeah, I like this show a lot. One guy's distributing? That's just giving. Two guys, three guys, three guys is distributing. Yeah, how many guys would you say is distributing? Because for me, it's got to be more than two.

Oh, it's got to be more than two. Oh, yeah. He counts in that sort of backwards way that Larry David always does on his hand With the palm of his hand Facing towards him I think this is a great show idea Judge Larry David

Judge Larry How many degrees are we talking here which degree how many degrees do you need yeah what do you mean he didn't mean it i mean one and a half murder in the one and a half degrees one and a half one and a half degrees you know he may he wanted to do it but he then he he pulled back at the end there this this podcast is an ideas factory phil and we don't make it really is it really is it's someone's gonna one of these days steven spielberg is going to start listening to pod pod and all of a sudden pierre he's going to start One of these days, Steven Spielberg is going to start listening to Pod Pod

and all of a sudden, Pierre, he's going to start having some great original ideas and start making some pretty great movies about a mechanized teen who wanks to gain his power. I think someone's going to be coincidentally directing the origin story movie about a man who takes a very long time to poo um of course it's it's a very long ago reference really he hasn't come up for a while listeners slow poo the man who we know who takes a long long time to poo for health reasons he claims um A long time, listeners. We're talking every single time, minimum 45 minutes.

Minimum, at least. Late. He's late because of the pooping. And our thoughts are with him at this festive time. That was very Bill Cosby. He's late because of the pooping. He's late because of the poop because of the pooping he's late because of the poops god what a classic impression

for everyone to lose I know yeah it's such a shame when someone with a very distinctive voice a very impressionable voice turns out to be an absolute wrong-in thank god Phil that Prince Andrew a very impressionable voice it turns out to be an absolute wrong-in Thank God Phil that

Prince Andrew has a completely bog-standard voice And please please pray to God that nothing ever comes out about Christopher Walken People will lose their houses some impressionists. The last thing we want, Phil, is some kind of Epstein-style scandal involving Christopher Walken, Robert De Niro, and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

They'll just be impressionists sat on the streets with cardboard signs saying, we'll do impression of you for food. They'll be dressed in Great Depression era suits though, with really high trousers and trilbies and stuff. Can I do you a turn? I'll do a turn for you. I came all the way out to California just to see if there were any work to be had here as Christopher Walken.

But turns out you heard about that too. So, Phil, yes, our thoughts are with Slowpoo during this festive period because, you know, we're all packed with more food than any human needs. Yeah, I'm sort of slowly, yeah, I'm slowly easing myself off that hill. Yes. Now. Yeah. I remember, Phil, something you said. I think it was just in conversation, but it was a very profound thing

because I identified with it 100%, and we were discussing overeating or this or that, and you said something along these lines. I don't know if you used the word addict. You said, I'm not an addict, or you said, I'm not X, whatever it was. Yeah, it was something along these lines i don't know if you used the word addict you said i'm not an addict or you said i'm not x whatever it was it was addict yeah yeah you said i'm not an addict i'm a glutton yeah yeah and i just thought oh my god that's exact it was like you'd unlocked something for me i was like that's right that's me yeah i'm an addict not a glutton absolutely i mean, I've picked up habits, but I can drop them. I can stop.

I can go like, I've had too much of this. I'm going to cut it out. Cold turkey, and then I move on. But if something is in front of me, if a whole turkey is in front of me, it's very hard for me to stop. Yeah, until the cold turkey is gone the literal cold turkey is gone yeah um yeah so i think that is yeah that that is a difference i yeah i've had to explain to like well to lots of people but like to you know to my partner to to my parents

friends where they go would you like you know more cheese or something and i always try and say to them it's not about what i would what if i would like it is do you have it and am i here yeah the the answer is yes but the what i would say to you is that i shouldn't have it so please don't bring it and they're like oh good time for some cheese i think that's a yes and it's like it's it's not please help help me help myself yeah addict not um yeah i'm a glutton not an addict yeah yeah what's been your your main gluttony Has it been festive meats? Oh, sorry, I should say, it's not just a giant brown turkey, Phil. Big old fucking ham,

pigs in blankets, weird little sausage things, separate even to the pigs in blankets. A lot of flesh. Flesh, meaty, meaty day. Yeah, it's a fleshy time. It's the most fleshiest time of the year. With those turkey legs

glowing and hams in your bowling and drinking some beer I've been okay on the food side of things although I have been having trifle for breakfast that's not a good step, actually.

That's not good. I don't think that... Yeah, breakfast was supposed to be the most important meal of the day, not the meal of the day with the most custard in it. Yeah. I've been more of a glutton with booze, maybe. Well, you're a booze boy.

You're a wine boy. I'm a booze boy. I opened some very nice bottles for the day itself. And I brought more. I must be the only person in the UK who brought more bottles than his family can possibly drink or are willing to drink. I'm going to be the only person taking bottles back home at the end of this. Because dad will literally have one sip. I'm not saying that for effect, Pierre dad will literally have one sip I'm not I'm not saying that

for effect Pierre he will have one sip and of a wine and he's more than done he won't touch anymore so he'll have a sip my younger sister

will hardly will only have like two sips maybe and then the rest is just for me and mum just and my other sister just And my other sister Oh spirit

Please Please I have already been visited by two of your brethren Past and present They have shown me but please Please tell me that this grave Is not mine because it's

unbelievably tacky. I mean, I know I'm a miser and I'm alone, but it doesn't need to be made of gold, does it? And my name is misspelled and there's

they've sort of... They've got one of those laser carvers, and they've kind of done a portrait of my face in a Perspex cube, and that's mounted in the middle of the grave, and there's a lot of marble, and I don't know... It's not really fair to show me this,

because I didn't pick it. I was dead, so you should show me who picked it, and then I won't let them do that. I don't see how this is relevant to... And I already... I knew... I knew no one would come to the funeral. I'm a miser. I know I'm not...

I'm self-aware. I'm not an idiot. I didn't think people would go, thank God he didn't give me any money. But then are you saying that money is the solution? Hello? Should I... See, this is the problem, is that the other two were very clear

about what I... They took me... They traveled through time and they pointed and they said, look, look at that. Maybe think about this. But you're very silent and you just seem to be pointing ominously at my own grave. I knew I would die.

The grave part is not very frightening. I'd made my peace with it, to be honest with you. So what do I do? I give people more money. But then that seems shallow. Learn their names, sure. But I'm guessing now. So if I get it wrong again and I have to see you next year,

I need you to know that some of this is on you. So your dad has a sip and he goes, Oh, sorry if anyone can hear weird creaking. I'm in a very creaky room full of old radiators and stuff, so apologies. Pierre is being haunted by the three gross of Christmas. Yeah. Late, a bit late. They won't leave.

They're getting in early for next Christmas. They won't leave. Phil, they keep taking me to a grave, which clearly isn't mine because I'm alive. They've just put my name on it, and they're pointing and yelling, and they won't leave. clearly isn't mine because I'm alive. They've just put my name on it and they're pointing and yelling and they won't leave. They keep saying,

what about Christmas? And I say, that was yesterday, mate. Get over it. And they say I should pay my employee, Mr. Cratchit, more. And I show them the books and I say, find the spare money. And they won't look.

It's all very nice and well to say people should be paid more but there's there's a line here that you know we need to stay in the black so you you find it ghost of christmas yet to come you find it yeah i said hey i said hey guy big red-faced bearded man who's covered in sort of holly and and and ivy and you know he keeps singing and laughing calm down for a second and take a look at these national insurance payments on on my payroll oh a hippie like the ghost of christmas present isn't going to help you out you can't fucking green man that fucking dirty um hippie that fucking he looks like

he grew up in glastonbury and now runs his mom's crystal shop he's not gonna know the first thing about accounting no you say you i can't pay crash it in christmas cheer you fucking hippie and he just gets angry and brings in the death guy again and he doesn't say anything he just points at the grave and i go i've seen it i know is it goes for christmas future is he do you think he's he's he's he's dumb he's not he's not deaf right he can't speak oh death yeah all right yeah he's not deaf that's why scrooge feels bad, because he goes, I'm going to go deaf?

This changes everything. You there, boy, what day is this? Why, sir, it's Christmas Day. What? Huh? Christmas Day! What? No, he's deaf.

He's a hooded, shrouded... He's like the Grim Reaper, isn't he? Yeah, that's right Do you think the Grim Reaper came before The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come Or was Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come Based on the Grim Reaper Because there's some copyright infringement going on one way or the other

Yeah He had to say I'm the Grimy Creeper Or something I'm the grimy creeper Or something I'm the dark collector And he hasn't got a scythe He's got like a big pitchfork And they're like

Isn't it supposed to be a scythe And he's like nope If there's one guy you don't want to annoy That's fun what what's um a costume shop uh name for a costume of the of the grim reaper yeah um um oh um um end of life harvest man Oh, oh End of Life Harvest Man Yes, I like End of Life Harvest Man That's pretty good

Agricultural consequences Oh, I've only just Reaping and sowing That's why he's got a scythe He's reaping what people have sowed Well, he's reaping them He's harvesting the crop of souls Lovely stuff

Lovely imagery Yes, yes And to answer your question sincerely there is some artwork of hooded skellingtons with scythes and medieval artwork. Okay, yeah, yeah. I wonder where the hooded thing comes from.

I can understand skellingtons, skellingtons being the mascots of death, but what's with the hoods? Where's the hoods come from? People fear hoodies, Phil. Monks? Priests? Yeah. For as long as records have been around, people have been scared of hoodies.

That's right. It makes death look more street, more like urban wear. Yeah, it was really Charles Dickens who really started the first hug a hoodie initiative with A Christmas Carol. really started the first hug a hoodie initiative with a christmas carol yes yes he invented the idea of of trying to be afraid trying to of being afraid of hoodies but also trying to help them out by going along with their their moralizing um i'm trying to think of now costume names for what would scrooge be christmas Miser? Christmas Miser's very good Christmas Miser Agent Scrimper

yeah that's good that's good but Christmas Miser I think is about as perfect as it can be Christmas Miser and Bob Cratchit As perfect as it can be. Christmas miser. Christmas miser. And Bob Cratchit? Oh, Bob.

Winter employee. Winter employee is perfect. Given that all his character traits in the story seem to be that he's a cold and be an employee he's always rubbing his hands going oh the bitter office yes that's perfect winter employee i was oh yeah what was i gonna say oh yeah over ways that can well yeah overworked Victorian accounting man but it's perfect winter employee is perfect that's

oh man it's something yeah it's a good way of parodying stuff it gets to the essence of things it really does you've been a booze boy the knockoff costume is a great exercise way of parodying stuff. It gets to the essence of things. It really does. You've been a booze boy. The knock-off costume is a great exercise in distilling the essence of a character.

Yes. That's something in a writer's room. You should be like, who is this guy? What does he want? What are his motives? What is his knock-off costume? What is it called? What do we know him as here in the Smithy's Halloween shop or Spirit Halloween or whatever it's called in America

A grieved mobster Done Done Conflicted judge Yeah What would yours be over Christmas? Festive wine, son Yeah

Sleepy self-employed man For the most part, to be honest That's how I feel That's the main feeling Sleepy striver Sleepy striver sleepy striver i think i have one of her albums sleepy striver i think um i remember buying the i feel i remember buying the vinyl uh uh single of a 10p

of sleepy strivers agriculturalences and it was a brilliant record yeah very big on the bible belt yes because it was a fusion of jazz with you know like washboards and those big jugs with X's on that go

ho ho ho ho ho ho ho yeah I would be regretful meat man or yeah sleepy fart diner that sounds like a disgusting

restaurant in America sleepy fart diner the only diner with no coffee you're not allowed coffee no it's a sleepy fart diner yes yeah yeah yeah you're only you're not allowed coffee and every meal comes with refried beans the the the sort of uh has seen it all but still ultimately charming old waitress will come over yeah and say you wanna you wanna top you want a coffee there sweetheart and if you say yes she goes get out you have to leave this is a sleepy fart diner didn't you read the sign she'll um she'll come over and she'll go... As she approaches the table, she'll go... Like that.

Like that. That's part of the American legend that I've never fully characterized correctly, I feel. The diner, the American diner. It is both In American Because When it crops up

In American TV When a character Ends up at a diner It's usually when They're at the Lowest ebb Right Or

Yeah It's the middle of the night They've got nowhere to go Or they're meeting Someone a bit shady Or Unless they're Unless they're a cop

And then it's where They go when they're tired To be sympathized with by the old lady. Yes, right. Yeah. But then if it's a wealthy family, they're like, oh, a diner. But to me, it's like, that looks like the most amazing place. I would go there even when my life wasn't falling apart and I had to hold my head in my hands in a booth.

Yeah, I mean, i can't imagine you know you know something that american fiction about diners never addresses is the toilets like what state they're in are they clean or not well yeah because like follow my logic on this this there's there's a there's a there's a there's a it's a transitory place right so no it's not like a restaurant where people will be embarrassed like the diner oh yeah right yeah most of the customers are like truckers who'd spend all day sitting down and probably like and like the only things that diners are well known for is incredibly like enormous heavy meals and infinite coffee oh it's it's more of a a poo factory than a restaurant yeah for sure the toilets must be more like a fucking uh army firing range what do you mean just the noises coming out of it yeah it's just like uh the amount that the work that gets the work the working the working out

that that facility gets must just be astonishing what was it in the words of one of our correspondents that that porcelain must be punished oh it was a the the the bowl the bowl is not there to be something but dominated not to be respected but dominated absolutely and it must get dominated to hell. Yes. In the American diner. Yes, it must be insane. And the only reason anyone ever goes into the loos in the diners is so that for narrative reasons they can avoid an ensuing shootout. It must be fucking weird for Americans that we have opinions on

and know about all this stuff because like they don't well some of them will do because they've watched like shawn of the dead and a couple of guy ritchie films but by and large they don't really have any picture of what like a pub really is yeah i guess i have some some idea but then of course like to americans their world is so universal i think to most we wouldn't be surprised if you knew something about it. I think more often than not, they're surprised if you don't know something about American life. You've never been to a Chick-fil-A.

I feel like they're more like that. They're not like New Yorkers to me. I think they think their stuff is universal, but once they find out it's not, I know that some Americans I've talked to have been almost a bit disappointed because they'll be like, oh my God, what's this thing happening? not i i know that i've some americans i've talked to have been almost a bit disappointed because they'll be like oh my god what's what's this thing happening and and you'll go oh it's this special

thing that we have and it's like this and they'll go oh well in america we have this thing called prom and it's like yeah no we know like they never get to explain their culture to an outsider in a kind of like fun way you know yeah yeah so they always just like so there's a thing called prom is that yeah we know right well so the the bleachers are in it and you know we know we know yeah we know we know we know we know this better than we know our own faces in the mirror it's it's in everything i guess the one surprise or shock that remained for me before I went to America was just how much people are on drugs all the time and I mean like not illegal drugs

prescription medication for people who are really fine absolutely fine but it's the most normal thing in the world to have a prescription for zenbolmethathane Or Tramies I need to take a Tramie

Before I go out to the zoo It just cuts the edge off I need a Tramie Oh god, do you have a mental illness? Nah, I just take Tramies It's just something they Do, it's like having a favourite snack It's advertised on TV Like it's just something they do is like having a favorite snack it's advertised on TV

like it's like vitamins yeah yeah significant mood altering drugs are marketed like they're biscuits in America that's the main culture shock that I feel

American TV doesn't prepare you so much for yeah and they advertise sort of like That's the main culture shock that I feel American TV doesn't prepare you so much for. Yeah, and they advertise sort of like... The logic of it is kind of backwards because... I mean, I'm not against prescription drugs by any means, but the logic of it is a bit like, hey, you know when you're driving around town and you go to Walmart and you've got your gun and everyone else has guns and you feel a sense of unease. You should take a pill because that's not normal.

It's a fine day. Just another normal day in America buying perfectly legal military-grade firearms and and mood altering over-the-counter drugs from the same shopping complex yes yeah hey my kid has anxiety i don't know what it is i mean you know he goes to school he plays sports he constantly does drills for what happens when people get executed in front of him at his place of learning yeah at his place of learning where he's supposed to feel safest uh outside of the home and for some reason he's all tense and of course there were those race riots anyway we need some clopophanil just to deal with how great it is to be living in the greatest country on earth

just to deal with how great it is to be living in the greatest country on earth we we we lost uh we lost norm mcdonald but he had a great joke about what school how boring school was uh-huh and it was something about how oh your if you're your kid your kid keeps looking out the window too much at like there's a dog out there with a stick or something and he says if he keeps doing it we'll drug you. We'll drug him. We're going to drug your son. It's such a funny way of putting it. We're just going to drug them so that that doesn't happen anymore.

Oh boy. Shall we do some correspondence Letters Emails Phone calligraphy Your sister Correspondence Yes

Santa baby Hurry down my chimney tonight And shove some correspondence up my Christmassy asshole. Yes. Yes, please. So, let's scroll. Scroll. Scroll.

Scroll. Oh, we had an update. It was on the main podcast, not the Patreon, that we'd read out the thing about Poussainouise, didn't we? Oh, Poussainouise. Yes, remind me of the Poussainouise. It was the girl who used to say Poussainouise, and then she taught her friend, and then her friend was in a coma. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, of course, yeah a coma. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Of course. Yeah.

Yeah. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. So where is it? It's somewhere. Well, if I can't find it. Thank you for sending in like a recording. A recording of the Puss in Weas. Yeah, of like the way to say it.

They sent in a hard to pronounce. A user's guide to Pusanwis. Yeah, Pusanwis. Oh, bloody hell, I can't find it. Anyway, so yes, we got it almost right. We got it almost right is the point. Oh, well, great. Not bad from us.

Not bad to get it almost right. If anyone's going to know how to say Poo's and Wee's It'll be us It better be us It better be us So Okay You know what is always a shame Phil, when we get an email from someone with an amazing

name, and I don't want to say the whole name but it's good, it's like a name of an action hero, you know God damn Well, tell me afterwards, and we will only release the name to the top tier of Patreon subscribers

Yes, and In fact, that's going to be a new perk of the top tier of patron subscribers is you can request the personal information of any pod listener that we have and we will provide it and we will provide it and we will do more work into we will catfish them into giving us their address yeah yeah top tier you get um we will dox any pod pod for you we will we will say it's for free merchandise and then we will dox them for you um although if you're listening and you're in the top two tiers Your monthly bonus Correspondence special will be coming out on New Year's Eve enjoy Oh lovely way to ring out

2021 That's right One last chance to try and turn the year off and on again A friendly reminder That our Patreon Is still available And there's lots of great extra stuff in there Including an extra half hour

Each week with an extra sketch And premium correspondence I'm not saying that Working out more isn't important But maybe your news resolution should be To get on to the Budpod Patreon That's right. And you can listen to us in the gym when you try and desperately lose all the flesh that you've eaten,

like we will be doing. Christmas flesh. Christmas flesh. Must discard. Must discard Christmas flesh. And please, if anyone asks you, if a personal trainer asks you, so what are your goals during your first session? We'd really love it if you said, I want to discard Christmas flesh yes and please send us their reaction or to just say less flesh

i'd like less flesh please i'd like to lose flesh i'd like to lose flesh i would like to lose flesh oh and, and again, not to get too distracted, but I was making myself laugh on Christmas Day, Phil, by walking around and raising my arms and doing the Viking voice and saying, a god was born this day. Or saying it like I could sense it, you know? A god was born this day A god child was born this day I sense a god child was born this day

Come, a feast More flesh The god child is here We have an email from Guy Guy Who's that? Some guy That's always what I imagine The parents of someone called Guy

Said when they were born The father just pointed down At this newborn baby and said to the wife What? Who's that? And the wife said I don't know some guy And the wife said, I don't know, some guy. And the name stuck. Some guy just came out of your wife. What?

Who? I don't know. Some guy. Whoa, sir. I don't mean to shock you, but some guy just came out of your wife. I guess we'll hold on to him. We'll keep him here, just in case. Until we find out who this guy is.

Well, until he's got enough of a presence of mind to explain what he was doing up there in the first place. I think that would be very funny. On your son's eighth birthday, you sit him down and you say right, it's been 8 years fed you clothed you, put a roof over your head

now you have to tell me what the hell were you doing in there what the fuck were you doing up there up where? don't play games with me! Who are you?

And how did you get up there? Who are you? My wife says she only met you that day too, and that cannot be possible. Who sent you? Where are you from? Who are you? How did you get up there? I didn't see you go in there My wife never saw anyone go in there

How did you get up there? She must think I'm a fucking idiot Or was it the anesthetic? We go to hospital because her stomach hurts They give her anesthetic And that's when you climb in because she can't feel it is this some kind of prank are you one of the jackass crew

is that what this is don't play dumb now I know you can speak English now okay the whole goo goo gaga act that's over i've heard you perform full sentences so tell me what the fuck were you doing up there he's got like a policeman standing behind him as well like sir could you just explain it's like Columbo he goes oh yeah that's all fine

just one more thing though happy birthday oh wait before I forget what were you doing up there but you'll never guess what Phil guy has predicted that you would say all that oh mm-hmm Wow to the word to the to the word because he's one of Bud Pods writers no he's he's pretty he's he's absolutely done you here he's got of Budpod's writers. No, he's absolutely done you here. He's got your number. He says, hello, Pierre and Phil,

my favorite Budpod pals. That's nice. I'd hope we had the favorites. Yeah, that would be a tough competition to lose, I'd have to say. It'd be a devastating neg to find out his favorite Budpod pal is just a random other correspondent.

He says, long time squatter, first time dropper here. I love it. I love it. And here's the bit, Phil. Before Phil asks me if my parents were being lazy by naming me Guy. Maybe I've said this before. But I stand by it. He says, I can confirm they were.

My mother told me they chose my name because it was short, easy to remember, and quick to shout. She also fancied Guy Pearce. Nice. It is good to shout. Guy! Guy! Because it's not short for anything, is it?

It's not short for, like, Gulliver. No, Guy Alberto. No, I don't think so. No. Guy! Guy! What were you doing up there? Quick to shout is a funny phrase.

It's good to eat and quick to shout. Guy! Quick to shout. But enough about me and more about my poo, he says. Very good. Okay. Okay. There we go. Yes. That's what we came for. Yes. I would like to share with you a fecal fable from my youth.

Okay. Fecal fable. It was during the summer of 2010 where my story takes place when I went camping with a group of friends In the rugged terrain of Essex Very nice As I was in my mid-teens This of course meant that my diet mainly consisted of

Processed meats, refined carbohydrates and cheap cider Big Max and Big Scrumpies That's right, Big Scrumpies, Big Dumpies, Phil My naivety That this abuse of my colon Wouldn't affect my bowel movements Came to a head suddenly one morning As I was showering in the campsite facilities

Oh god Yuck This is why I hate all outdoor activities It's just the distance between you and a satisfactory toilet. Yes, that's true. And a campsite shower can be quite a freaky thing.

No thanks. Cold. Cold, cold, cold. So he says, standing naked and soap-suddered was when the first warning signs emerged Sharp stomach pains, deep rumblings The countdown had begun And I needed to leave the cubicle

Starting to panic, I made my first fatal mistake By bending down to pick up my shampoo bottle Deep rumblings A brilliant trombonist Oh man, deep rumblings Oh man The timbre of his Oh, man. Deep rumblings. Oh, man. The timbre.

The timbre of those low notes. That's when you knew you were listening to deep rumblings. If you wanted to find out what club deep rumblings was playing in New Orleans, you just had to follow the vibrations, my friend. That's what they say. Little earthquakes. So he starts to panic and he says, I made my first fatal mistake by bending down to pick up the shampoo bottle, Phil.

Oh, never drop the soap at a campsite shower, don't you know? Never drop this shampoo. That's right, yes. And if you are camping, if you arrive at a campsite and you want to survive, you've got to walk up to the campest person there and beat them up. You have to walk to the person with the most scout badges in the campsite and punch them in the face. Punch them in the face with a big glove that you've made yourself and get a badge for it.

So he bends down to pick up his shampoo bottle The squashing of my midriff coupled with The slight opening of my anus He really paints a picture The humility and warmth of saying Slight as well is very funny It wasn't gaping before anyone asks When he bends

over, his anus, Phil, when he bends over, it doesn't yawn open. Like an animal's jaw, Phil. It's a slight opening. It's a slight opening. The squashing of my midriff, coupled with a slight opening of my anus,

gave the turd missile all the encouragement it needed to vacate my body. Oh, boy. Yes. I wasn't looking backwards during the event, with it being so abrupt, but the mass must have got some serious hang time. Oh, no. As the pause between my cheeks flapping and water splashing was at least a couple of seconds. Flapping? Why is his cheeks flapping? Things have taken a turn, Phil.

He wanted to make sure the anus opening was slight, but these cheeks are flapping now. Is he the devil from Cow and Chicken? Why are his bum cheeks flapping? My first ever girlfriend had a massive phobia of the devil from Cow and Chicken and his shiny buttocks. Oh, really?

She was absolutely disgusted by him for reasons that she could never quite articulate. There was something certainly menacing about it, I'm not sure. The whole cartoon was quite menacing, to be honest. I think it was because the red devil from Cow and Chicken, his buttocks

were very, very shiny and bulbous, but they had a couple of hairs on. That's quite unnerving. Red, shiny, bulbous with a couple of hairs is unnerving. And he would switch between an artificially high, sweet voice and full-on screaming. Yeah.

He was the first person with a bipolar disorder we were exposed to as children. But like with his cycle being a second. Because he would just be like, oh is that what you want? Well you can't have

it! And just like scream. The second half of every sentence. That definitely put you on edge yeah so he's saying that like he bends over and immediately just goes and it's hanging out his bum for two seconds before it hits the water yep terrible luckily he says luckily the

turd landed squarely in the gutter turning it into a cursed log flume I've got a little photograph at the end turning it into a cursed log flume where it was washed along and presented itself serenely on the end grate oh yuck here I was hoping it would just float away

and go home peacefully. But of course it's a bloody great. I was also fortunate I was in the last stall on the row as I dread to think what family holidays I would have ruined if my shit ship had sailed underneath the adjoining cubicle and threw a child's life. and through a child's life.

I'm sorry my turds sailed through your life. It's really funny. Sailed through a child's life. It's a similar image to Ships in the Night. Turds in the Gutter. We pass each other like turds in the gutter. He says like a scat-themed generation game.

The next movie prize on the doomed treadmill would have been the hot diarrhea that had provided the fuel for my rectal rocket. No. Ugh, yuck. I check out when diarrhea gets involved. I'm like, nah. Nah.

This isn't cartoonish anymore. This is a biological event now. Yeah, it's a hazard. It was a biological event now yeah it's a hazard it's a it was a funny log and now it's a biohazard spray yeah well i mean it's it's also that's that's classic like bad diet food poisoning where the thing that made him do a normal shit is that a load of horrible boiling evil shit was built up behind it like a fucking gun terrible um like a cork uh

in the midst of the contractions I was straight up not having a good time uh although I felt strangely calm as I no longer dreaded the worst happening because it had already occurred that's fair hmm that's zen mindful shitting yourself there's a sense of freedom as I no longer dreaded the worst happening because it had already occurred. That's fair. That's zen, mindful shitting yourself. There's a sense of freedom to watching your own shit flow like a log flume down the drain.

Yes. Yes, that's when you really know yourself. He says, at least I chat myself in quite possibly the most convenient place. After the episodes had abated, the cleanup operation began. The showerhead itself provided most of the means I needed to wash away the bodily brown sauce. However, it took a while as the non-concussive tap needed to be continually pressed.

Oh, no. Yeah, horrible. Oh, God, that's so funny. Constantly tapping it again. No, more water, please. Constantly tapping it again. No, more water, please. Lastly, I was left with a specimen that had started this whole debacle.

Still sitting proudly above the plug. No amount of water bending I attempted was able to move the mass. So I had no choice. It was time to get physical. Earn that badge. I opted to force my unwanted chocolate child down the drain with my heel. I knew it was heading this way. And he says, he adds, as only a deranged person would use their fists.

Punching angrily at your own shit. That's a quite easy way to get sectioned A few well placed A few well placed stamps In between a couple of dry heaves Later and the deed was done Dry heaves Take this And that

No one would ever know what had passed What had Yes, what had happened I cleaned off the rest of my dirt and shame And solemnly returned to my tent I haven't shared this story until now Ah Well, my child

you are you are repenting at last that's right yes yes yes um i think well he says i uh haven't said the story till now due to the embarrassment due to embarrassment of not finding the right time to confine uh to to confide it in my family. Telling you two chums is a true weight of my chest and I feel like my bum can finally be relaxed. But not too relaxed. Not even slightly opened. Only slightly opened.

Keep up the good work. All the best. And of course, Koji. Guy. P.S. Please don't mention my surname that's in my email address as I'm easy to find.

Ah, yes. Well, yeah. Yeah, if you have an action hero-esque name P.S. Please don't mention my surname that's in my email address as I'm easy to find. Ah, yes. Well, yeah. Yeah, if you have an action hero-esque name and first name Guy, I imagine there probably aren't too many. Yes. Guy. Guy D'Action. So it's a semi... It's a semi-anonymous confession from Guy.

Yes. He's getting there. He's getting slowly creeping towards full penance. It's just, yeah. This will give him some sucker. Yeah, it's something. Whereas there could be someone out there listening, thinking, I have got a friend called Guy

where his anus is slightly open. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Texting their friends. Am I right? Is our friend Guy who when he burns over his anus opens but only slightly? I thought so. Yes, why? Yes.

Yes. Where are you going with this? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yes. Yes, where are you going with this? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Great. Well, that is all we have time for, PodBuds. However, we are opening our anuses slightly

for you to come in and join us in the bonus pod. Yes. Yes. Yes, yes. If you bend down to pick up your shampoo, you'll notice... Wait a minute. Here in the shower cubicle at the campsite, some of the water doesn't seem to go down the drain. It seems to be flowing

in between the tiles. Oh, interesting. Where could it possibly be going? Well... It's flowing in a perfect square, so you get your fingernails in there and you lift, and it's a ladder. To see where this story goes,

you'll have to subscribe to our Patreon, and we'll see you there. See you there. Merry Christmas! Or is it? And a Happy New Year. Question mark. Hope you all had a lovely Christmas time

As lovely as it could have been And have a Happy New Year See you in 2022 See you in 2022 Bye bye