BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 146 - Mønspidår

Episode Date: January 12, 2022

Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie talk mafia hitmen, Spider-Man, British actors' dominance and accents. Correspondence is mostly tat from: Jane who isn't old, Charlie's AirBnB tat, Michael's tat update, Susan's religious school desktop tat. Sketch is: Mønspidår. Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

it's bud pod one four six one four six uh um gun store tricks gun store tricks yeah when i go to my cowboy film i go to gun shop and i just grab the revolvers and i'd start spinning them and juggling them and i just do gun store tricks do you think um they give me gun shops yes well they should do you think in gun shops it's like musical instruments where they have signs saying please don't play the musical instruments yeah they're like please don't shoot a hole through someone's hat to humiliate them please don't do tricks please don't shoot through the centre of the Ace of Spades after throwing it into the air.

I just put up a lovely magnetic strip to stick my knives to in my kitchen. Oh. Do you think Americans have the same for guns? Or a little magnetic strip or like a tool shed where you paint around the outline of the gun so you remember where it goes yeah i think they literally do have that don't they the outlines if if if video games are anything to go by if hitman's headquarters uh bits are anything to go by then yeah it would be funny to play a game like hitman from the point

of view of one of those people who has that many guns because then when you play hitman instead of being like wow look at hitman's like gun lair you'd be looking at it like a fellow like a colleague you know like a fellow owner yeah it would be as normal as seeing a full fridge depicted in a video game. Yeah, he's looking at the wall and he's like, well, let's see what Agent 47's setup is. Oh, that's interesting. He's got the shotgun by the door. Oh, he's got his AK going from butt to barrel upwards instead of pointing down. Interesting.

Yeah, mad. spiral upwards instead of pointing down interesting i wonder if that's yeah mad um i feel like uh uh the concept of a hitman is something that um in terms of in real life if you ever hear about a hitman it's always either um an agent of a of an of a government right right like um Novichok and whatever or yeah I mean it's pretty much always Russia any sort of Russian like government assassination thing so it's like an agent of a government right and they go oh he was a hitman and you go

oh or it's like oh or it's like a hillbilly who's paid another hillbilly a grand to try and run their wife over outside the bingo hall. Right, yeah. Somewhere in like the southern US.

And then that guy's going to jail as like a hitman, a gun for hire. And you go, there's no middle ground here. There's no Agent 47 in the real world, it seems. No, no. I mean, assassination and espionage in the real world is far less glamorous than its movie or video game counterparts they're all like they're always like a bit overweight and baldy yes spies look like some you know spies look like the kind of, usually look like the guys who'd be palmed off by women at bars for being creepy.

You know. Yeah. Well, certainly the hit men do. They always seem to look, it's like people in the Italian mafia, isn't it? They're always like quite fat uncles. Yes, exactly. Big, fat, scary uncles. They're a big, fat, scary uncle.

And they always have like enormous Hands like stubby huge fingers Huge hands Yes I've noticed They do have thick things Hands for punching Hands for violence Only the triads

And the Yakuza have Delicate hands Yes As far as organized crime syndicates go Yeah and the Yakuza have delicate hands. Yes. As far as organized crime syndicates go. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. They tend to be portrayed,

and if you see them, they're either... To be fair, if you ever see a Yakuza, it's like a guy who looks like he's wearing a kind of rainbow jumpsuit he's so tattooed. Yes. Like an old guy wearing a kind of spandex tattoo bodysuit um but is it well it's not a shame but like it's it's you know what's happened to the middle class of hit men phil they've been squeezed out there's a squeezed middle yeah the squeezed middle the middle always has always have to pay the price to say nothing of the lack of hit women very rare that you get a a woman with enormous thick fingers and hands to to make two grand

unreliably trying to murder someone's recently heavily insured spouse yeah by doing that that move where they sort of get onto the target's shoulders as if they're about to do a hurricane rana and then twist their necks with their thighs which apparently is the only way female assassins can kill anyone it's all it's it's very thigh based yeah you have to get a climb up onto their shoulders and with the legs. They have to do it in a feminine way. Yes. Yes. Or suffocate.

We will accept suffocate with one boob. Grabbing your own boob and suffocating someone like a pillow on an elderly person. Strangling with a long ponytail. These are all feminine ways of killing. Speaking about the feminine mystique in killing,

last night I watched, finally, Midsommar. Have you seen Midsommar? I saw it in the cinema. You saw it in the mid cinema mid cinema mid cinema

I saw mid summer in the mid cinema that's when you sit right in the best seats in G7 and 8 in the middle of the cinema that's mid cinema I really

liked it I loved it actually it was freaky and weird and disgusting and there's like and it made me feel there's a moment that made me feel, Pierre like a Norse scholar

because not to spoil anything but there is that made me feel, Pierre, like a Norse scholar because they're not a spoiler or anything, but there is a bit of ultraviolence in the final third of the movie that is a reference to a theoretical thing that the Vikings did to defeated enemies. And I spotted that and I went, that's a and my girlfriend wasn't wasn't wasn't bothered actually

but i don't think my girlfriend is bothered when i know facts either it's the price you pay but but that's the power of learning is that you get to experience things essentially in 3d isn't it you've got more out of that now that's right that is the power of learning kids so listen up it makes your ultra violent horror movies all the more cool and fun that's true i feel like you were part on the research you're on the research team it's a really good it's really's gross and disturbing. I think between Midsommar and Get Out, it's a really good time to be creepy and white, scary and white. Yes, that's right. Interesting to see Nordic whiteness portrayed as the frightening other.

Yeah, and in broad daylight all the time. Yes, blazing sunshine constantly very unnerving yeah but it is unnerving like when you go to Scandinavia I remember going to Iceland and it being sort of still broad daylight at midnight

and walking through Reykjavik and seeing a guy being carried stumbling down the street by his friends and my instinct was oh my god what happened to that guy and then I realised it was 12 at night even though it looked like it was

2pm and he just had a couple of drinks but it looked so weird it is fucking weird I mean I find it unsettling enough even in like the the more northern parts of the uk where it'll be like light until fucking 11 at night or something in in summer yeah well speaking of trips to the cinema phil you saw well you saw uh you watched uh midsommar but the other day you and me and uh friend of the podcast, guest of the podcast, Stuart Laws, we went to go see Spiderman.

Spiderman. Spiderman, nay way him. Nay way him. Mon Spiderman, inaccessible, huss. Spider-Man must the last to try no lost the left on

yes Spider-Man Spider-Man No Way Home which is the first Spider-Man No Way Home Which is the first Spider-Man movie About the Temporary suspension of the Night Tube in London Yes

Tom Holland Tom Holland in his original English accent dressed as Spider-Man Sick all down his legs Yelling at an uncooperative member of TFL. What do you mean it's shot? Just retching. I can't get fucking three buses.

He's out in Brixton. He's trying to get back to North London. It's funny that Spider-man is english surely that one of the most these icons of americana uh yeah lovely posh english boys and i mean benedict wong isn't posh but there is there's a scene in spider-man nowhere home where Spider-Man, Doctor Strange, and Wong are all speaking to each other in American accents. And I just went, I just thought, these are three English men. Yeah. Pretending to be American to each other.

I was like, this is weird. This is mad. This is silly, actually. You know, it's also strange that, like, obviously if you changed Spider-Man's accent, Spider-Man's so famous for so long that everyone would be annoyed because he's supposed to be from New York. But something like Doctor Strange, where it's like, I don't know where Doctor Strange is supposed to be from. I've got nothing to invest in that. And then they go, oh, he was a sort of very dry, severe, reserved academic who became a wizard.

And you go like, that screams English accent. academic who became a wizard and you go like that screams English accent why not just let old Benny boy use his original voice but no there he is going well Spider-Man I doing his best yeah he does a bit of

John Wayne kind of thing doesn't he he's got some call me sir he's got some weird drag to it yes hmm it's sort of very like it's not bad it's just something very it's very like tight something controlled it's very particular yeah yeah which makes sense for the character you know it's good acting work but yeah it is the point where it's like three guys standing around going boy howdy how are we going to get out of this one you think you're sitting there going this is fucking you're from manchester you went to eton and i don't know where i don't tom holland is so young

he's only just coming to primary school or whatever but it's yeah it's really odd and it must bother american actors don't you think it be annoying. It's got to be annoying. There's so many American actors. They've got to be looking in the mirror and asking themselves why, surely. Did Cumberbatch go to Eton or is he one of the ones who went to Winchester or one of the other 1% less fancy ones? Maybe he was the Dragon School. Oh, probably.

Which is a crazy name for a posh school. It sounds like a hippie school, the Dragon School Which is a crazy Name for a posh school It sounds like the hippie school The dragon school but It also In itself sounds like something Where Doctor Strange would go Oh he went to Bramble Tea

Bramble Tea And Harrow More famously Harrow Oh there you go Bramble tea And Harrow More famously Harrow Oh there you go Bramble tea sounds like A place that an American would make up That a posh English guy would go to school Where did you go to school

Bramble tea In Londonshire Oh man But yeah I's it's i wonder why i've read i've read articles about that theorize about why it is and they say apparently it's just because like apparently we pump out a bunch of like very disciplined sort of theater trained people who don't ask for for as much they they they get you know big fees and stuff but they don't want to be treated too nicely or have a fancy trailer or they've got that kind of like touring theater work ethic of just mucking in yeah yeah probably a bit cheaper to start with just the the general british attitude of not expecting anything nice to happen yeah the idea that someone would ever bring you a coffee Is sort of astonishing Because Superman's British as well

Oh gosh yeah Henry Cavill Fuck God damn it What's he called Sure shot long shot The fucking Idris Elba Dead shot Dead shot's British there you go yes wonder woman's israeli

you know what american american jobs for american heroes i say that would be the that'll be how donald trump starts running for the next election yeah we got a lot of heroes coming over from other countries. Just this rambling speech about how he found out Superman was British and it ruined his day. Surrounded by a horde of screaming militiamen. But yeah, Spider-Man Spider-Man locked myself out

is it's a good fun spidery romp I suppose yeah it's got all the things you'd want from a Spider-Man you know web swinging and stuff it's very long

yeah you know, web swinging and stuff. It's very long. Yeah. It's long. It's a real daddy long legs of a movie. It's a daddy long legs. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting to use the same amount of time

and more money to tell the story of Spider-Man as like, you know, there will be blood or some sort of epic piece of art. What do you mean? What do you mean? Well, like as in you could use all that time of someone's life, like two and a half hours, like almost three hours to blow their mind and change their conception of what a human xyz is or you could make spider-man yeah it's true you know and they're going like okay we're going to hate three hours of your time and the thing you're about to see has cost hundreds of millions of uh dollars and um you're going to leave basically untouched by it you're going to leave entirely unchanged yeah as a person you're going to leave

unchanged, but you will know slightly more about the recent happenings to a fictional Spider-Man character. You'll be a bit more up to date on his life, how things have been going for him lately. None of your morality will have been changed or much less challenged, my god. God forbid.

But you know, you'll be up to date with Speedermon. I mean, it's crazy how much of a time we dedicate to fiction, movie, spider, or otherwise. Yeah. Just across our centuries of existence, we sit down and go, oh, tell us the next chapter in the story of the boy with a bird face.

And the old guy would go, okay, gather round in three hours later. Now you're up to date with the life and times of the boy with the bird face. And we'd go, oh, good. Boy with the bird face, of course, played by Cornelius Piffington.

Cast as the Boston-born Roustabout. But it's weird. Why do we care so much about stories? Why do we care so much about fiction? We care about, like... Well, I can make a book recommendation. It's quite a weird book,

but it really made me laugh, and it's really hard to describe why it's funny. It's just really, really good and odd. And it's called The Dog of the South. It's by Charles Portis, the same guy who wrote True Grit. And it's not a cowboy thing. It's not like an action book at all. It's just a weird little, almost like a diary.

It's not a diary, but it's written in the first person. It's from, I think it must have been published in the 60s. That's interesting because it changes your conceptions of things. It makes you think in unexpected ways. When it makes you laugh, it makes you laugh from a point of view that almost nothing else ever has. Now that's worthwhile. That's worth your time. Okay, I see what you're saying. worthwhile that's worth your time okay i see what you're saying you know three hours spent reading that was was a great deal more interesting and challenging to the whole way i perceive things

than spiderman yeah yeah but i guess you can if every single thing you consumed made you change the way you looked at life it would be quite exhausting i, I think. Yeah. Well, that's the thing, is that I'm in a position where I can afford to spend energy enjoying art because I don't spend enough energy doing anything else. That's true. That's true. That's something we are in danger of

losing sight of. Decadent boys. Do you think we can find out there someone who's like the hardest working guy ever, like a hospital porter? Like it's just a real daily grind full of danger and and frightening sights and scenes and then he still that guy uh you know he still goes to the art gallery and and is challenged or do you think he's just like fuck that and puts on puts on speed that i'm on um yeah i mean he'siderman He's the real hero if he's out there

I've had days that are not even Nearly that busy and I get back and I just go I just want I'll just watch The Simpsons that I've seen 50 times Already I have been walking For 40 minutes So I can't really

Can't really do anything too challenging But you're famously the most tired man In Christendom I am quite tired Yeah Am I known for being tired? Only to me Okay

I think of you as a tired guy That's not really how I want to be thought of Yesterday I had my first Personal training session I paid a man to come to my house To force me to be uncomfortable For 45 minutes

And I feel great I feel so good afterwards And that's all I have to say But that's the goal I feel so good afterwards And I That's all I have to say But that's the goal Did he get you in a little garden jiggling around He got me in my garden He got me jiggling

He got me crawling He got me pulling at an elastic band That was tied around my picnic table Which made me feel a bit mad to be honest But it was good It's amazing how much you can do with a rubber band. This is what I learned yesterday. Have you ever worked out with just like a thick rubber

band? I've dared to do one exercise with one once, but I live in constant fear of just twanging it into my own jewels. Yeah. Yeah, I guess that's the incentive to keep your form but yeah it's good and isn't it isn't it sickening to discover that exercise makes you feel good it's the worst i hate it i'm better at everything if i've been exercising a bit

yeah why can't why can't it be like the more you sleep and drink booze, the smarter you'll be? Or the more energy you'll have. I thought the whole point is that you conserve energy, you'll have more energy to do other things. But it isn't. It's the opposite. If you spend more energy, then you have more energy. What? Horrible.

Yeah, it turns out your body and energy is a bit like a line of credit in a casino. They want you to really go apeshit with it yes the more money you lose the more money they'll lend you yes well I need to I'm finally trying to shed all my tears

my tears my belly tears your flesh your excess flesh less flesh please I've not actually told my personal trainer yet that's, your excess flesh. Less flesh, please. Less flesh. Yes. I have not actually told my personal trainer yet. That's what I'm looking for.

Less flesh. I'll tell them next time. I'll say, oh, I didn't say it before, but can the focus today be less flesh? That's what I'll say. If we could just really lean into the flesh aspect of this, I would like that a lot. Make sure you say it about an inch from their face.

We hope you're enjoying the screening of Spiderman in Accessible House. Oh no! Help me! Help me, Spiderman! Hilfe mich! Månspider! Oh, Må, help me, me, Speeder, mon. Hilfe mich, mon Speeder. Oh, mon Speeder, thank you for me saving. Oh, it is no problem, Marianne Janssen. Mon Speeder is your neighborhood most friendly, mon Speeder. Your neighborhood most friendly, Monspider.

Swinging from one of our many two-story buildings. Oh no, it is the octopus doctor. I hope that, like any Nordic country, that Monspider can use a combination of web and reform focused prison to... He has a degree in science already so it will be easy to get him to retrain perhaps and a lot of heavily government funded and subsidized psychiatrists will cure Monspider's enemies from their many illnesses. Well, time to go shoot where but people not paying enough tax. Mon speeder away! Phil, shall we, because we

are eternally behind, shall we do some correspondence and some tat? Yes! I miss tat. Let's get some tat in me. It's happening. Let's get some tat in me. It's happening. It's wine o'clock somewhere. Give me the coffee and no one gets hurt. Bless this mess.

I like two things. Pals and Prosecco. And I'm all out of pals. One Prosecco, two Prosecco, three Prosecco, floor. If the wife asks, I'm working. Keep calm and keep drinking tea. Tat attack! Charlie, Charlie gets in touch. Keep calm and keep drinking tea. Cat attack! Charlie!

Charlie gets in touch. Charlie! Buflipali! Buflipali! That's good. Buflipali, yeah. Buflipali. He says Hi Phil

Hi PhilPod And PodDier Oh yeah Thanks for making my favourite podcast And please keep on making and jacking it Thank you Charlie, we will After my Filly Filly Wang Wang ticket Got Covid cancelled last year

We're that out of date I've been glad to have Bud Pod still in my life I recently stayed at an Airbnb As they are once again allowed It was excellent in lots of ways However despite being relatively small It had an unprecedented amount of tat Airbnb's

They're just tat mines Basically They're just where you go to mine tat. It's where... I think tat is actually made in Airbnbs and shops go to them and harvest and then sell them. Yeah.

Airbnbs are sort of like the tat equivalent of those rooms in video games which are just full of coins and jugs. Yeah. You just smash the jugs and like, who's keeping their money in sort of coins and jugs Yeah You just smash the jugs Who's keeping their money in Sort of wicker jugs But you just

They're in there And just one or two silver coins In each urn I think put more coins in one urn That's what I'd say to video game NPCs Well maybe you'd have more coins If you stopped spending them all on urns the economics of this are ridiculous um okay so these are quite simple bits of tat phil so not much of a challenge for the tat whisperer i would say okay okay let's

warm me up so one one of these is a hanging piece of slate. Oh, lovely. And it just says at the top, kitchen. And then underneath kitchen it says, kitchen, the what of the what. Kitchen? The heart of the home. Yes! Did I get it? Yes! Yes, I whisper the home. Yes! Did I get it? Yes! Yes, I whisper the tat.

Give me the tat and I shall whisper it. Nothing but net. Nothing but tat. Nothing but tat. Nothing but tat. Swish. Okay, so this is a visual tat, semi-visual so it's a picture

it's a hanging piece of wood they like hangings, these people Yeah Hanging piece of wood, and it's a sort of painting of a bee, and then a word Just a single word? A painting of a bee on wood and just the word is...

Is it to do with the bee, the word? Not in any taxonomical or biological sense, no. Does it just say love? Close, but think of what tap people love most, Phil Was Prosecco I mean stylistically What do they think is the highest form of wit? Okay, cutesy-wootsy

Cheeky Cutesy-wootsy Puns, my friend Puns Okay, so there's a non-B-related pun. Hmm. One word. Yeah.

And it's not B-related. No, it's just... So it's like a visual, like, as you read it. Gosh, okay. Oh, man. This one's... You're overthinking it. I can hear you overthinking it.

Okay. I don't know. Hi, but it's spelled H-I-G-H. That would be quite an edgy piece of tat, wouldn't it? Yeah, that's true. That's true. I that's true I give up Be happy Okay so it is bee related

Well it's not about bees It's not telling bees to be happy But it's got bee in it Well yeah I thought you meant like is it about like be productive in your hive Or something Oh no I just asked if the pun was to do with bees Oh I thought you meant like, is it about like be productive in your hive or something? Oh, no, I just asked if the pun was to do with bees. Oh, I thought you meant to do within as in, yeah.

I thought you meant like be a honey eater, whatever the fuck, you know. No, it's just be happy. It's very simple. I don't think I'm going to pronounce this word correctly, but it's not fair for you to guess because i don't think you speak welsh so it's a piece of card well when you presume you make a press out of you and me pierre that's true so maybe don't presume okay so i won't presume anyone can cuddle but only the welsh can what Can Quirtle Only the Welsh Can

Cwmry Cwmry I mean you're not far off It's C-W-T-C-H Cwtch Cwtch It means like cuddle or snuggle,

but there isn't really a word for it in English. I just don't know how to pronounce it. Ah, which would be why only the Welsh can do it. Those wily Welsh. Yeah, that's interesting. It means a cupboard or a cubbyhole or a cuddle or a hug as well. How do you pronounce that?

It's like related to the word couch. A cutch. Although in English, don't like related to the word couch. A kutch. Although in English, don't we also have the word kutch? Like a little hideaway. Oh, maybe, yeah. Or is that a hutch? I've been thinking of hutch. Or maybe is a C-H like an F?

No. Kutf. Kutf. Kutf. Kutch. I think it's kutch. Hard to pronounce kutch Yeah Cutch Has

Has Welsh How long has Welsh been using the Roman alphabet Oh Since it was written Well since it stopped Did it ever use Ogham I think

Well for Okay so Ogham Ogham Ogham Hmm But Hmm The letters work so differently I would have thought Why Why Okay, so... Ongom, ongom, ongom! Hmm. But, hmm. The letters work so differently.

I would have thought, why C-W, why not C-O? C-O-O. Well, they work... I mean, the letters work differently in French and Spanish as well. It's just not as severely. And to be fair, Welsh was written down before English, I would have thought. Oh, yeah. So we're the wrong ones.

We're the insane language. The globe language. Language of the globe. All the best, Charlie. Thank you, Charlie, for that tat. You've got the tat whisperer. We had a... What was it?

A win, a loss, and loss and a draw I'd say yeah, one of each one of each, but a good trio of tests for the Tat Whisperer yeah, yes and some Tat updates from Michael so he says, how are you pair of Lovelli

Wangs oh yeah, like Novelli that's pretty good Lovelli Lovelly Wangs. Oh, yeah. Like Novelly. Mm-hmm. Yeah, nice, nice. That's pretty good. Lovelly. Lovelly. Lovelly. Lovelly Wangs.

That sounds quite Welsh. Lovelly Wangs. Lovelly. Lovelly Wangs. I went for a visit to Lovelly Wangs, and very nice it was, too. Very nice holiday. Please find attached a photo of a card that I saw when I was looking for birthday cards

it may well be that these cards have always been around but now that I can't help but notice them but now I can't help but notice them and I read them in Grandma Caveman's voice and it is another card that says clink pop face Grandma Caveman strikes again she's been busy for a grandma writing out all these cards i i am

always amused by the artist uh the fact that it's grandma caveman it's very funny to me and it's not ever been cave grandma which is a much more harrowing sounding cave grandma yeah now that cave grandma sounds like a grandmother who's been trapped in a cave like a normal modern day grandmother who's been trapped in a cave well grandma caveman sounds like a matriarch she sounds like she's in power she's in charge she's been around for a while yeah grand grandma caveman has got like um a staff with kind of bones and gems hanging off it on strings and things like she's an old witchy figure, whereas

Cave Grandma, yes, is someone who Elon Musk tried to rescue. Ha ha ha! Gosh, that was like a different world. The Thai cave boys and Elon Musk's little submarine. That was a weird

series of events and developments. Yeah. It was all part of an era where the news ceased to make sense and was more like something out of a comic book. Maybe like an Alan Moore comic book, not like a nice one.

No. Everything became gritty, Phil. Everything's gritty nowitty now yeah the world's gone through a gritty reboot yeah yeah it's the dark origin story of the world is that the new like boring joke instead of can someone turn the world off and on again it's like um could someone put the world through a gritty reboot, please? Grittily reboot the world, someone? We have a lovely message from Jane. Jane!

Insane in the men, Jane. Insane in the brain. Exactly. So she opens with a sober Hi Pierre and Phil You cannot imagine the thrill and happiness You have brought an old lady today 53 years she puts in brackets Oh wow

That's not old Jane I'm glad we have Such an eclectic Spread of podpods That's the terrifying thing about Fans of Budpod is that there could be anyone such an eclectic spread of pod buds. That's the terrifying thing about fans of Bud Pod, is that there could be anyone. It could be the person sat next to you on the bus.

It could be your own uncle. It could be your neighbor. Just keep your eyes peeled. There should be posters, like World War style posters like about the pod bud under the bed yeah when when you when you drive alone you drive with bud pod have you seen that one about hitler no oh no it was about sharing fuel and it was a guy driving a car on his own and it said uh it was about carpooling and it it says, when you drive alone, you drive with Hitler.

And it was like a ghostly Hitler in the passenger seat. I mean, I'd love to see that. Evangelical. That's the way evangelicals talk about Satan. Yeah.

I'd love to see that done with like some guy in a trilby smiling, driving like a nice old car. And then me and you in the back. Ghosts. When you're driving alone, you're driving bad bod car, and then me and you in the back. Ghosts. When you're driving alone, you're driving in Bud Pod. Well, I mean, you do.

Put us on your car stereo. That's what we're there for. Yeah. She says, I know I'm too old to listen to you guys, and I know I shouldn't laugh at poo stories. Not at all. Wrong on both counts, Jane. Although I do worry that today's youth are losing control of their bowels through too much time

scrolling and taking selfies laughing laughing laughing laughing how could that affect their bowel movements I mean

doing a duck face selfie and then just absolutely wrecking your pants. I love it as a theory. I think it's great. It's good. Kids today taking selfies scrolling through Instagram and what

happens? They just shit all the time. It's nice that they're not just like, oh, kids are lazy or disrespectful. They just go, uh, kids these days can't stop shitting. Just constantly. Constantly shitting themselves. It'd be a very funny telegraph column to write. If kids spent more time

playing outside and less time eating fiber, maybe they'd be more like I was when I was a kid. I used to shit once a week yeah and I had to walk 10 miles to do it he says but today Phil explained that he'd lived for years with a terrible internet

package out of date and not fit for purpose it's true yeah yeah Phil just a young pup too young to remember BI before internet. I think I do. I do remember B.I.,

but it was a brief period. Yeah, same. So Jane says, it was so reassuring to know that every generation struggles to be motivated to change and that we all just want to have the best product but can't be asked to do anything about it.

Much love, my poopy people. The queen of procrastination, Jane. Thank you, Jane. A lovely message. And you know what that's got me thinking of? What was the first website you remember going on, Pierre? When someone came to you and was like, have you seen this internet thing?

You can look up all sorts of things. One of the very first things I looked up was Gundam. I was like, show me the gundam website is there a gundam website do you know the gun do you know gundam the the fighty fighting robot suits the japanese fighting robot thing so you piece together so like an airfix but of yeah fictitious giant fighting robots gundams yes and i was like surely there isn't a gundam website on this world wide web and my cousin typed it in i don't know let's try gundam.com and And I was like, surely there isn't a Gundam website on this World Wide Web. And my cousin typed it in.

I don't know. Let's try Gundam.com. And there it was. I was like, wow. I couldn't believe it. It was a whole new world of possibility. I'm going to look up a Gundam website now, actually. This will be the first time since then I've looked at the Gundam website.

Gundam.com. I wonder what it was that I first looked at. I mean, I remember I was a big fan of Homestar Runner, which is like a Flash cartoon, but that would have been like 2003 or something, 2004. I was late to the... I don't think there is a Gundam. There's no Gundam website anymore.

What? Oh. No, there isn't. There's only fan sites. There's no... There is no official Gundam website left. I didn't know I had... I didn't know I had such short time with it.

You didn't even know they were sick. Oh, man. I can't believe that all the Gundams died of COVID. Oh, God, they did. They got Robo-COVID. That must be they did. They got Robo-COVID. That must be what happened. They got Robo-COVID. Robo-COVID.

Yes, the new... To be fair, Omicron sounds like a Gundam. It does. It sounds like a Transformer Omicron. Yeah. Yeah, RIP to the Gundam website. And hello to you know what

I'm not going to say her name because of an excess of caution, that's what I'll say so Susan, we'll call her Susan Susan, okay so Susan says

the subject line of the email is a personal tat attack every day. Okay. And she opens with, greetings, P-Boys. Which I like. Nice, yeah. I am a science technician working in a religious secondary school.

Oh, interesting. That must be a daily battle. The belly of the beast. Behind enemy lines. school. Oh, interesting. That must be a daily battle. The belly of the beast. Yeah. The belly of the beast. Behind enemy lines. Among us. This room stinks of science. Okay, everybody, hands up. Who here's been using repeated

experiments to determine data over a long period of time? No one, sir. Rubbish. I can smell it on your breath. Susan says, I'm a science technician working in a religious secondary school. Since coming back from being locked down, some bright spark has decided to change the backgrounds of all the staff computers every day. Oh, okay. So every day. Oh, okay.

To have different prayers. So every day, a new background. Okay. So now, instead of the beautiful Windows default background, and it is beautiful. It's beautiful. Rolling hells. Every morning, I am tat-attacked by my own computer.

Great. Religious tat-attack, no doubt. Please see attached today's offering. I don't think anyone else who works at my school will be listening So I think I'm safe in saying that this is the worst idea Anyone has ever had Big love to both of you, Koji So, I'm having a little look here At the

It's a lot You know those sort of like swooping Neon light images They use to advertise new graphics cards oh yeah for like for computer gaming yeah or like the kind of pointless sort of neon lights in space kind of image that they just show like hd things here are images here are images you would never want to watch in a movie or in a video game but just so you know we can do it yeah here is a here is a still image that you can tell was intended to accompany a sort of whooshing sound so it's a pretty exhausting tat and there's

a lot of fonts and some of the letters are enormous so let's see what you can do Okay Okay so the first chunk of tat This is the top line Phil It says life is like a camera What Life is like a camera Do you want it sentence by sentence Because it's kind of one enormous run on sentence Okay I'll give it to you sentence by sentence Because otherwise's kind of one enormous run on sentence.

Okay. I'll give it to you sentence by sentence because otherwise you won't get it. Life is like a camera. What on what is important? The second what I said there isn't a guess. It is the word what. Life is like a camera. Foreground on background is important. So, life is like a camera. Blank on what is important so life is like a camera blank on what

is important blank on what is important oh life is like a camera perspective on there's no second guess it is the word what That's what I'm saying Oh

Wait wait Life is like a camera What On what is important Okay Life is like a camera Focus on what is important Yes

What the good times Are we sticking with the camera analogy Oh we're sticking with it boy Capture the good times Yeah Yep Yep Blank from the negatives Blank from the negatives.

Blank from the negatives. Oh, like negatives. Run away from the negatives. Run away from the negatives. One word. One word. Blank from the negatives Run away from the negatives One word, one word, blank from the negatives Choose from the negatives Close, what do you do with negatives?

Cut No Expose Treat Close Create Produce Learn Create Produce Learn

Old school Think old school Forge So far it's Life is like a camera Focus on what's important These are the ones in capital letters Life is like a camera Focus on on what's important. Cat. So I'm going to, these are the ones in capital letters. Life is like a camera.

Focus on what is important. Capture the good times. Blank from the negatives. Draw from the negatives. It's a D word. I got nothing. How do you get your photos made? You've got them in a roll. Develop, of course.

I needed too much help with that one. Develop from the negatives. Develop from the negatives. Clever stuff. This is not bad. I mean, as far as... I mean, I wouldn't want to be assaulted with this on my work computer. But as far as tat goes, this is not bad quality tat, I have to say.

Yeah. And then the final line, and if things don't work out, blank, blank, blank, exclamation mark. And if things don't work out, blank, blank, blank.

Shoot everyone. I mean, that would be very good. It it's not that but it would work with the it would shoot and it doesn't work out try again, try again. Just try again. Blank, blank, blank. Close.

What's another way of saying that? If things don't work out, blank, blank, blank. Try another time. Repeat yourself. It's more of an american phrase a british person wouldn't really say it oh and it does still relate to the camera uh then uh yee-haw xanax uh ellis island Ellis Island I don't have this one Take another shot Take another shot

It's good It's good tat to be assaulted by on the daily It's good tat On the daily Yeah that's a lot My school had a similar My boarding school in Brunei Our sort of internet system

It would greet you with a different Inspirational quote But it would be things like Things Yoda has said It was fun stuff like that Oh fun not like sinisterly overbearing No yeah it was quite fun really No okay I thought you meant like

You'd start up your computer and it would open with something like life is suffering you know so focus on your gcses yeah now we've run out of time here but we um i just remembered here that i think for three weeks straight we've been promising to read one particular piece of correspondence that we've forgotten to again today on the no that's on the patreon boy oh that's a patreon one oh yeah

well take that as a tease non-patriots to get onto the patreon to have a listen to this teased tat this teased correspondence Who could it be from?

What could it be about? Who's going to read it? Well Pierre But there are still other unanswered questions That's right And you'll have to tune in on the Patreon to find out Yes Find us on your wireless

You've been given a secret frequency Behind enemy lines And you're in the attic Desperately trying to make your crystalline radio Receiver work in time Before the secret services come get you And don't forget we're on those new Frequency modulation airwaves

So hope you have an up to date radio That's right Yeah it's true Well godspeed everyone and enjoy uh another week of raucous downing street party revelations and uh hopefully we'll get invited next time phil oh oh by the way can i just say to anyone in wolverhampton or the sort of midlindsey region i am at the wolhampton Literature Festival on the 4th of February.

Talking about my book, Sidesplitter. It'll be a little live event. So come along. Love to see some pod buds there. 4th of Feb. Delish. 4th of February, Wolverhampton.

Be there or be square. But until then, buh-bye! Well, not until then. Until the next time you listen to us. Bye! Bye! Bye!