BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 15 - LatePod!

Episode Date: June 6, 2019

The therapist poker face, snollies and nose babies, dinner party power plays, suckle my bottles, the caravag of Rome, The Thing, Saint Wang, what’s your mastermind topic? OLIVER TWIST, kick the dog, keratin supplements, daddy’s monobrow, #PhetishWang, One Man Tow Truck Revolution, virginity nose explosion, Phil’s bumhole tattoo and we FINALLY GET CREDIT FOR BEING WOKE POO JOKERS. Get in touch at [e-mail] on twitter and TELL YOUR MATES! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh, it's number 15. It's a 15. Is 15 anything? It's a multiple of 5. I dated someone... Who was 15? Who was 15 years old. It's a hell of a time to drop that on the old podcast, Phil. Well, you know, that's the nice thing about podcasts is that there's an element of trust there that doesn't exist in other media. I dated a girl recently who was of age. She was actually a year older than me.

A year and a half older than me. A full year and a half. She was 16 years old. No, she wasn't. Okay, I've got to stop the jokes now. She was about 29 and a half. I was 28 at the time yeah um uh and she as a child was so obsessed with the number five yeah and multiples of five that she had to go to

therapy you mentioned her briefly on an earlier episode have i yeah was it five was it episode five oh god and episode five I'm sorry This might be happening Every time five appears But I was annoyed with myself Because I listened back to it And I was like Man I should really have

Pressed Phil more on this Insane Ladies Maybe that's why I don't remember Having brought it up before Okay So hang on

She was so obsessed With multiples of five She had to go to therapy Yeah And what I mean Look I'm not a qualified therapist Phil What? What? I keep coming back here every week she has to go to therapy yeah and what I mean look I'm not a qualified therapist Phil

what what I keep coming back here every week I know I've been telling you I've been recording these sessions just for us yeah for your pieces

yes on cool guys you said it was your pieces on really cool guys it's something that makes cool guys cool yeah and we need to record a cool guy a lot

weekly for money but how would you begin like if you were a therapist And we need to record a cool guy a lot Weekly for money But How would you begin If you were a therapist you'd have to be like Why do you like The number five How do you start that

I have wondered about this aspect of being a therapist Is that surely you just have to You have no idea what's going to come in I guess from time to time people give you the classics, I'm sad and... I don't know, I'm anxious. But a lot of the time people just come with very specific stuff that you've not come across before. And now you're just winging it every time. But also, how much as a therapist do you have to practice your poker face?

And not burst out laughing? Or just be horrified sorry that's where I go to straight away well I mean like laughter if someone just goes I just can't stop googling pictures of wristbands or whatever just like insane or like something really

ridiculous obviously shocked for like the harrowing stuff but I think it's easier to hide shock than incredulity. Yeah, I furrow my brow instantly. And then realize I'm doing it. You and I both sometimes have... I've seen it referred to on the internet as faces that don't use their inside voice. Right, yes.

Your face just immediately goes, You're an idiot! While your mouth is not saying anything and that's quite risky i don't know where where her therapist would have started just telling her that the number five is a human invention and that it has no real significance in the natural world what if you would say like um maybe maybe like like say oh but like All numbers have this significance Right like try and make it so that she sees The patterns of enough numbers

That she can't focus on one Like overload her senses Yes yes yes Like when they just throw someone into a pit of spiders To kill them of arachnophobia And they come out cured of their fear of spiders But with a new distrust for humans a new a new phobia of pits and therapists yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so you

could say hey two is pretty good for patterns yeah lots of twos everywhere and they'd be like oh yeah and then like you'd slowly you know build them up and then maybe they'd accidentally just become one of those like really good mental mathematicians. By which I mean in their head, not mentally ill. Okay. Not like a mental mathematician. That's not a mathematician. Although, I guess both.

Don't talk about the mathematician. He's fucking mental. That's a mental mathematician. That's mental maths. That could be a fun educational catchphrase. That's mental maths. That's mental maths. His name's Matthew.

That's mental maths. The mental maths. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. Was she cured? Yeah, yeah. Well, she now works for a mental health charity. Right.

So it's all come around full circle. She will have the worst origin story of anyone there. Or the most fun, rather. What are you in for? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The prison story. What are you in for? Oh, the prison story what are you in for oh you know my tragedy and suicidal thoughts and i was like very dramatic and what about you i loved five

i loved five too much as a child but maybe like you never know how much like some compulsions sound funny until you get a taste of how extreme they can be. I remember reading about one of the symptoms for ADHD in children is obsessive nose picking. But the diagnostic manual wasn't clear enough that it didn't just mean kids who pick their noses. Because loads of kids pick their noses and do it daily. It meant picking it to the point where you're almost down to the bone. Like you're bleeding. It's like really horrible.

But like when it's something like nose picking and you say excessive nose picking is a symptom. Everyone thinks even a bit of nose picking is excessive. Right, right, right. So you need to be clearer. I used to pick my nose a lot. Did you have a special word for snot? In your family or in your culture? Did you just say don't pick your nose?

I don't think we had a word for it. In South Africa, we don't say bogeys. We said snollies. Oh yeah, you told me snollies is horrible. It's so good. It makes you sound like a snail. Snolly. It's such an evocative word. It's for the ones where you pull them out and it's a real string of gloop.

Please. And there's like a nuclear bit that looks like his brain. There's like a darker bit that looks like maybe it's intestines or something. Yes, yes, yes. And it looks like it was going to grow inside. Like a deveining of prawn. Yeah, it was going to grow in your nose. Horrible.

You were going to have a nose, baby. That's disgusting. Yeah, it was gonna grow in your nose. Horrible. You were gonna have a nose, baby. Ugh, that's disgusting. I hate it! I really hate this podcast. Snollies! Last night, I got home late from my holiday, which is why it's late.

Sorry, Bud. Yeah, sorry, Podbuds, that Pierre has a life actually. This time for once actually that he's trying to enjoy freedom of movement while he can that's true it would be cultured imagine if all the pod buds were brexiteers

and it would be it would first of all be very strange if all of the pod buds were brexiteers and it would be even more strange that they did not mind that we weren't those two things would be cool i guess it'd be very cool if they if that was the case um that's very cool yes uh you so you had an illuminati dinner last night last night i got home quite late from stansted Airport and ate five donuts. Which I should not have done.

It was a pretty good night. What flavour? Jam, boy. Jam? Jam. Old stodgy English jam donuts. Just glaze, baby. Just a glaze ring. Classic glaze. My local donuttery doesn't sell

American style. They sell sacks of English lumps. English lumpy donut sacks. English won't eat anything unless it is solid all the way through. Except Polo Mints. They'll take a Polo Mint. Yeah. They'll take a holiday from solidity with a Polo Mint.

And who wouldn't? That's very cool, man. They'll take a holiday from Solidity with a polo mint. And who wouldn't? That's very cool, man. If you were very powerful, would you make a habit of hosting dinners? That would be quite fun. If I was really powerful, I would host lots of sinister dinners. With people of equal power to you or lesser power or more power are you trying to gain influence or show off influence or just like i'd want to vary it share inside jokes about having influence i'd want to vary it up because like let's say i was like middle level influence

yeah like powerful but i wasn't at the top i would have a dinner party where like i could i you'd look good wouldn't you because you'd have you'd have like the king or whatever the top person really high people and then you'd have like new up and coming oh people and then the more powerful people are impressed because you seem in touch right like hey i've got i've got my finger on the pulse look at this young cavalier right over here and then the young people the new people up and comers would be like wow you know the king

yeah yeah yeah you just come out smelling of roses from every angle that's true yeah that's cool what would be the most

powerful thing you could do at a dinner and it doesn't have to be nice like the like a big power play yeah yeah yeah I'll move out at any dinner yeah

at any dinner yeah at any dinner stab a knife in my hand and like not not wins ideally one that you're hosting but yes Phil can you pass the knife

oh this knife thunk through the middle bone thing yeah yeah yeah like not through the flesh the easy way just like sideways

oh god and it's like yeah you still want the knife this knife huh it's a little busy oh it's just a bit stuck actually sorry like what are you trying to you need help um what about if you had a fancy restaurant with loads of people and you'd organized it and you ordered food and had it placed in front of you and you never touched it and you ordered food and had it placed in front of you and you never touched it. And you ordered good stuff too.

It arrived and you looked and you were just talking the whole time and then it just got taken away. That would be spooky. It's a bit subtle. I think not everyone would notice. I think they would. Like a full steak and lovely sides. I'd order the most expensive bottle of wine they had and then just

smash it on the table. Like i'm the queen christening a table well ordering everyone else's drinks that would be like a power play uh-huh they'll have a gin and tonic one to share bring 12 straws and keep topping it up yeah yeah the drinks are free, but you have to drink it that way. Yeah, yeah, and it's like, I want it to be like suckling pigs.

The strongest at the dinner table will be the drunkest. I get on the table, and I put the G&T on my belly, and then I suck it. Yeah, yeah. Drink! You lie on your side

wearing a big wine breastfeeding kit, and everyone just has to suckle at your bottles. Very funny, crazy man who's very talented. Adam Riches. Oh, yes. The sketch character. Oh, he's a character comedian, isn't he? Yeah, character comedian.

Adam Riches, I think in his first show where he won newcomer, I think. Like 2013 or earlier even. Anyway, he had a thing where he wore like a kind of tit strap thing of six yakults. And like put little holes in them and the audience had to like, in the foil tops.

And someone from the audience had to like suckle at his yakults. I'm pretty sure that was him that did that. Which is very funny and repulsive drink in a hot edinburgh venue yeah all the good bacteria being exposed to all those bright lights corrupting them with a glitz of hollywood how how was your trip to rome rome was good um i saw just enough touristy stuff uh but not so much that I wanted to shoot myself in the face

that's good, you see any churches? oh, did I? you bet your ass, I saw some caravaggios in some churches and I marveled at them caravaggios I love a caravagge you love a caravagge?

I love a caravagge a caravagge? I love a Caravagge. A Caravagge sounds like something horrible. It sounds like a camper van you have sex with. Or like a mobile brothel. Yeah, yeah. A Caravagge. Caravagge is good. Yeah, that sounds like the name that a kind of crude sex pest type guy would call his caravan.

Right? I'm going to bring the Caravage to the festival. You'd be like, alright, Steve. Steve's so gross with his caravan. And it's covered in velvet. Yeah, and it's got like... Sounds cool, actually. He's got a guitar on the wall, but he can't play. He can't play it. It's covered in velvet. Yeah. And it's got like... Sounds cool, actually. He's got a guitar on the wall, but he can't play.

He can't play it. It's not in tuned. No, no, no. The strings are still the plastic strings from the shop. So he saw some caravaggers. Saw some caravaggers. Saw some churches. Had a look around the old...

The big... What's it called? Not the forum. I mean, I looked around that as well, but the thing with the huge dome. Oh, God. The massive temple. I think it's a church now as well.

Anyway, looked at all that cool shit. That was nice. That's not the one with the steps. What are the steps called? Spanish steps. Spanish steps. Yeah, I saw those. Trevi Fountain?

No, didn't bother with the old fountain. Yeah, it's nothing old. It's a fountain I went on holiday to Rome with my family years ago and went to the Trevi Fountain and someone this bald guy walked past

the photo we were trying to take and he apologised and we looked and it was the guy who plays The Shield Do you know the TV show The Shield? Yeah He was also The Thing in the famous

in the Fantastic Four really I can't remember his name so The Thing he's like an American Ross Kemp yes yes yes yes yes Ross Kemp

is that the name the bald guy yeah yeah yeah so The Thing from Fantastic Four photobombed you yeah yeah yeah

in Rome and we were like sorry guys and we were like Sorry guys And we were like Wait that's the thing That's the thing That's very funny That's good

That's quite the thing That's good That's I like Incidents with like Low level Celebrities Yeah

I once met the guy Who plays Edmure Tully in Game of Thrones. Oh, yes. I came over and talked to you. He was at the Soho Theatre bar. Yeah, we had a chat to Edmure Tully. He got a good laugh in the final episode.

Yes, yes. He was a bit of comic relief in there from that guy. Very tall. Tall. He looks like an English man he does he looks like

he looks like every other country in the world wants everyone from England to look yes precisely you want to point

at him and go that's what we want you either look like that or you look like a big angry red thumb and you're a

football hooligan here in the Alps you'll find there's nothing to worry about here in the Alps look like a big angry red thumb and you're a football hooligan. Here in the Alps you'll find there's nothing to cut Here in the Alps you'll find there's nothing to taste Here in the Alps you'll find there's no one to talk to And then you go to die alone in disgrace Here in the Alps you'll find you want to be alone Here in the Alps you'll find that that's not possible Because I'm here, I'm also in the Alps, you'll find that that's not possible, because I'm here. I'm also in the Alps with you, and I will follow you and try to eat your nose. In the Alps,

I'm going to look over your shoulder. Here in the Alps, I'm going to follow you to the grave. Here in the Alps, I'm going to find you and lick your eyes I'm going to keep you awake at night with my screaming Here in the Alps A quick story of my name here, folks. I was meant to be called Nathaniel, but the French side of my family... I know I have a French side of my family! Couldn't pronounce Nathaniel.

So my mother had to pick another name at random from my hat, and she pulled out Philip. Really? So I became Philip Nathaniel. Ah. Nathaniel's my middle name. You were named like a Harry Potter character. You had a naming hat. I was almost called Stetson. That's a little joke that's never worked. And we went on holiday to Rome

a good few years later. And we were chanced by one of many churches that you visit. We almost didn't go in because we've been into so many. But we were like, ah, we've got momentum now. So we went into this church. And this church had a little tomb where they had two saints buried next to each other. And we went down. And they were Saint Philip and Saint Nathaniel. Ooh.

And they were best friends. What? Philip didn't believe in J-Dog. Nathaniel's like, no, this guy's a shit. Yeah. Brought him along and convinced him. And now they're buried together. Spooky.

Saint Philip and Saint Nathaniel. And then, next to them, Saint Wang. Imagine. him and now they're buried together spooky saint philip and saint nathaniel and then next to them saint wang imagine imagine wang the incongruous the patron saint of being out of place yeah the patron saint of what's that doing yeah you do just get exhausted from culture though yeah you get to the point where you've seen so much culture you're looking at something that is objectively one of the most beautiful objects human hands have ever made and you're just like

oh my feet hurt you're really ungrateful also a bit of a monoculture yeah right it's it's kind of all the same it's all incredible but it's all the same imagine this version of a transept and you go oh like uh it's it's it's it's a guy with a beard and a robe looking at heaven going oh that's a lot of the art yeah people looking shocked at heaven while heaven does stuff and the kind of things you convince yourself you're interested in on a tour of a church wow really that bit of glass was actually stained 10 years

after that bit of glass and you actually get yourself in a mindset where you're like wow that's interesting and you go home later and you think that wasn't interesting I didn't give a shit what's your mastermind topic? I've been asked to do celebrity mastermind

two or three times now. What? And I just turned it down. No, Philip. Because I'm actually quite stupid. I think I'd embarrass myself. No, you have to be strategic and pick something. Well, because you only do your topic for like the first bit, right? And then you have to do general. I think it'd actually be quite embarrassing on the general.

Maybe, but if you pick something super specific then they sort of seem to go okay well fuck you then and and really go deep exactly so i want to keep it vague but you don't want it to be too vague either because then they could just ambush you yeah i've gone through a few yeah the first instinct was batman and pick a period of batman yes batman is your but it's kind of lame and actually I think I wouldn't know all that I think you could go something in the comic book scene and go so deep

who was the original artist supposed to be for this limited edition and then I have picked there's nothing worse than picking a potentially embarrassing subject and then being bad at it you have to nail it for it to be cool then i thought um the great american songbook because i used to sing all these jazz standards

and i still know all the words pretty much which would be a cooler subject but i think i think that should be quite hard and maybe i actually have forgotten a lot of them then i thought because i'm getting because i've been into quite into wine for like a year. Yeah. And I thought, ah, just tell them wine and then I'll study it for a year. This sounds like I'll be an alcoholic for a year. I'll do it again. I'm studying, get out! I'm studying for most of my life.

I'm going to be on the TV for most of my life. Just with those heart-like grey teeth. I would be tempted to do the goon show or i would pick my dissertation topic which is 10th century denmark and just desperately relive my third year of university in an attempt to call actually because because i i think they're a bit a bit more uh cheesy about it on celebrity yeah yeah they're trying not to embarrass the fuck out of people doing stuff for charity

there's an amazing video of the cricketer hmm is it Monty Panacea sounds like a cricketer I think it's yeah

um going on celebrity mastermind yeah and just like giving the most insanely wrong answers to things oh

isn't and did you see there's a video I think it's on normal mastermind of like a guy who on a specialist topic just gets

nothing really like one question oh god that's so embarrassing and like the questions and like you can see

in his face he's just thinking I didn't think I needed to prep for this I thought I knew this you can see it go face he's just thinking I didn't think I needed to prep for this I thought I knew this you can see it go through his eyes where he's like

no I thought I knew this this is my specialist topic Monty Panesar Monty Panesar when he just says mad shit yeah but he keeps a smile on his face the whole time in what 97 film do a group of unemployed men in Sheffield

become strippers for a night at their local working men's club? The Dream Boys. A 4-1-T. In an 1819 poem, what season of the year does Keats describe as a season of mists and mellow fruitfulness? Oliver Twist. Or Twist. Oh, my God.

What season? Oliver Twist. oh my god okay what season what season what season was described as being mellow and full of fruitfulness oliver twist that is absolutely astonishing to be fair it is it always strikes me as like and i'm not a big uh sports guy at all but whenever anyone's like god you'll never realize you you you won't believe phil who turned out to be unbelievably fucking boring that person who's only ever just done jumping and you go yeah because their whole childhood they would wake up at four in the morning and go jump and do jumping and then they go to school but when you have that kind of focus do you not have like so much time and desire to do so many other things when you're not doing that one thing no because that's the only thing they do the only thing they care about the only thing they care about like they're just they're just and the whole time they're in lessons of

other subjects when they're young they're just thinking jumping jumping jumping jumping i love jumping and like they just don't have energy for anything else and they're just thinking jumping jumping jumping jumping i love jumping and like they just don't have energy for anything else and they're just obsessed with it and that's why like it's so you'd think that more olympians right when they retired at 36 because their bones are just like we can't do this anymore they more of them would become pundits but few of them so few of them have the ability to speak intelligently from a like being a pundit is a skill and it's a skill they don't have because they were focused on jumping and it's just of all the people who love jumping it's the very few who happen to also be good at being yeah commentators yeah i guess

and even then they can be terrible i i remember listening to it was a while ago world cup a while ago and two of the the teams playing one of one was argentina um and the match was so boring and the commentator had so little to say that at one point he actually went argentina of course famed for its high quality beef of course very good beef in Argentina. Nope, nothing happened there. Yes, very lean meat and not too expensive. At least cricket seems to embrace that.

Because they're going This is all day So we're going to sit and go How do you have your scones And there seems to be a lot of that kind of chat It sounds like someone accidentally left a microphone In someone's veranda Yeah that is exactly the vibe They go oh we kept recording

Oh no After the game was over No no that's the game Whereas in football they do seem to just be like and that the ball of course crossing the line means it is counted as a goal it's that level of incredible

technical analysis that you get sometimes yeah if you spend your life doing one physical activity there's very little room for charisma yeah yeah although doing one physical activity, there's very little room for charisma. Yeah. Yeah. Although... It's also weird when you see someone like that,

where you go, what season is full of fruitfulness? And they just go, Oliver Twist. And you go, what did you hear? Did you hear book? But also,

there are questions he passed on, which meant that he obviously thought Oliver Twist was worth a go. He knew he could pass. That's a very good point. He could have passed and he went, I'm pretty sure there's at least a 1% chance that...

Oliver Twist was a season. That out of spring, summer, autumn, winter, Oliver Twist was a season that out of spring, summer, autumn, winter Oliver Twist what would happen in Oliver Twist season? everyone eats gruel and feeds the birds that's from Mary Poppins is it? feed the birds

Mary Poppins, I thought it was Oliver Twist that's the funniest is it you've ever done is it? is it? what? yeah feed the birds is one of them I get my depressing Victorian Oliver Twist is kick the Twist that's the funniest is it you've ever done is it is it what yeah Peter Burris I get my depressing Victorian Oliver Twist is

kick the dog that's the kick the dog top end's a punt I reckon that was probably a real busking turn

in Victorian times it's come kick this dog yeah beat this dog to death only a shilling What do they sing in Oliver Twist They sing who will buy my strawberries

And my roses or whatever the fuck Consider yourself at home I think that's They have a whole market scene where they're all Trying to sell shit Isn't there a matchstick girl or something Oh Come buy my Little nose Come buy Come by my little nose

Come by my itty bitty toes My body's for sale Cause I'm a little urchin girl Come by my fingernails It's a dark musical when you watch it as an adult. It's a lot darker than you remember. It is dark. To letters, emails, phone calls,

to reject your sister, to keep a straight eye, to keep a straight eye, to ring letters, correspondence. There's been a little bit more correspondence You've been getting in touch A little too much but we're gonna Do our best

It's never too much So we have two correspondence jingles this week Yes of course yeah I just did a little bonus one there Frank gets in touch Hi Frank Has been in touch before I think Hi guys he says

Traditional Weirdest un-weird thing Toenail clippings Just chucking bits of yourself in the bin or down the toilet What? It's like hair as well isn't it? Hair is made of the same stuff as nails Keratin my friend

Keratin Refreshing Isn't that what guys who go to the gym too much have Stuff as Nails Keratin my friend Keratin Keratin Is it Refreshing Isn't that what like Guys who go to the gym too much Have in those tubs Keratin

That's why it says keratin Are you sure that's good for you Creatine Right That's creatine Okay That's quite bad for you I think I'm sure

That's not good If the picture On your food Is Of a human That's creatine. That's quite bad for you, I think. I'm sure that's not good. If the picture on your food is of a human, of a human's body, then it's not good for you. They couldn't find a more natural photo than what it might do to your body. There's no plant that could go on this. If the picture on your food is of the food's effects on your own body, like blotches, someone with a blotchy face.

Yeah. Yeah, like the picture on a wine bottle isn't someone with red lips and grey teeth falling over. Oh, that's me in a bit. Yeah. I think that's good. And he says, keep jacking it, Frank. I think that's a good point It is creepy To have

Like What are you doing today Oh I need to have A couple of hours spare Because I'm going to go Have bits of myself Shaved off By a stranger

Yeah That is creepy Who I've now built A bit of a rapport with But Yeah a little And I don't know What they do

For all I know They keep the bits of me That they cut off And store it Yeah I don't care And I don't know what they do. For all I know, they keep the bits of meat that they cut off and store it. Yeah. I don't care. I actually don't care. I've thought about it. I don't mind what they do with it.

My grandma used to cut her own hair and fingernails and so on and burn them in the fireplace. To avoid curses. Of course. Yeah. Like a proper African. Yeah, I'm sure there's a lot of that sort of thing in Malaysia too. Zara gets back in touch Of the cool name

Dear Phil and Pierre As it happens I'm seeing Phil's Edinburgh show With my parents On the 22nd of August At the Fringe Ooh I'll make sure to turn up

For that one The same day I get My GCSE results Ooh So So I could either be A formal celebration Or a consolation Well this is it she says so if i do

fuck my exams you might have another german lady open brackets mother shamefully staring at you in the non-kinkiest way possible and a 16 year old shouting warnings down the aisles about listening to podcasts just so you'll know uh what's happening uh also i wouldn't tell my dad which episode you replied on, so he listened to full episodes until he found it. And now you have a new listener. Hello, Zara's dad. Oh, hey, ZD.

Hey, ZD. But I did tell him to avoid Bud Poo. Yes, yes. So you said, okay, thank you, Zara. Good luck for your exams, Zara, if you're still doing them. Bud Poo was NSFP. Good luck for your exams, Zara, if you're still doing them. Bud Poo was N-F-S... N-S-F-P. Not suitable for parents.

Not suitable for pop-pop. For papa. For papa. Not suitable for papa. That sounds like a play. I want to write a play called Not Suitable for Papa. Not Suitable for Papa is a funny play. It sounds like a silly farce about everyone

trying to soothe something over with papa any any kind of traditional way of talking about your parents sounds gross and funny papa and pater and mater and like mommy and daddy and stuff horrible my father referred to himself as Daddy to us. Until way too old. In the third person. So I was like 16. And he'd be like, Daddy's very busy at the moment. I said, Dad, you have to stop.

You have to stop doing that. It's strange. I thought you meant he was going to say, like, Daddy loves pasta. Creepy. No, it would only ever be when he was, like, exasperated. He's like, Daddy's very tired. It's gross. It's weird.

That is gross. I hated it. Yeah, that is creepy. It's horrible. But he genuinely didn't understand. Why? Why? That and why I insisted on getting rid of the hairs in my monobrow

He was like, hey why? It looks quite nice Really? That was when I finally thought, you know what I'm not going to go to my father for fashion advice He doesn't Know all the things I thought he did His judgement is not As infallible as I had once assumed

He's not a god No He calls himself daddy in the third person And he thinks monobrows are quite fetching what he did. His judgment is not as infallible as I had wanted. He's not a god. No. He calls himself daddy in the third person and he thinks monobrows are quite fetching. Really? Yeah. So he loves God, what's that artist? Oh, I was about to say

Eva Braun. Do you think that's what Hitler's mustache was? His monobrow connector fell Under his upper lip Under his nose See this is why I'm worried about my brain Pierre I cannot remember And I went to her

Frida Kahlo Frida Kahlo I typed in Mexican artist And the fourth suggested result is Mexican artist with unibrow Yeah So this has happened before Is it unibrow or monobrow?

What's the difference between uni and mono? I think unibrow is American And monobrow is British I have difference between uni and mono? I think unibrow is American and monobrow is British. I have no idea. I've made that up. Okay. I just threw a fact out there. So your dad is a massive Frida Kahlo fan.

That's interesting. I think that looks nice. Big old commie Frida Kahlo. She had... Was she? Yeah, she had... I think... No.

She had Lenin come and stay in her house in Mexico after he had been exiled right and that's where he got the idea of uniting the people was her monologue uniting the left and right yeah

oh he looked at her pointing right in her face oh or she was like see yeah and I don't even let

my eyebrows have individuality but Mr. Lenin the answer is right in front of you do do do do I But Mr. Lenin, the answer is right in front of you. Do do do do. I said Mr. Lenin there because I don't know what his first name was.

Vladimir. I should have just gone with Vladimir. Yeah. Why did I go with Vladimir? I can't remember what his Vladimir Illerovich something else. Because Lenin's like his cool name, nickname. Vladimir is like Mohammed. Yeah. Everyone goes yeah, obviously, that's like his cool name nickname Vladimir is like Mohammed yeah

everyone goes yeah obviously you asked your first name what's your what's the other name that I can call you by James gets in touch hey buddily fluids

nice very good very good buddily fluids love the podcast keep smashing it okay which could be about our willies

or it could be about the podcast yeah if you're really bad at wanking why isn't this working really like too hard smacking your dick around there must be someone out there where that's their main way of doing it and that's what they like yeah i mean statistically statistically uh me and my buds were on our way to the lake district from Nottingham when my friend's bin bag's car Ha ha ha

Yeah So that's a bad car for anyone who's Not completely up to date with our vernacular Broke down halfway After several hours a tow truck arrived With what we assumed was the intention of towing us To our destination An enormous man got out of his truck

Asked us where we were heading and promptly called his boss And started berating him. Berating the boss? Yeah. After a tense five minutes, he returned to us and said that this was the evening he had decided to take a stand against this dickhead of a boss, and was basically going to leave us stranded to make a point. What?!

He then stood there like he was waiting for a fucking slow hand clap or something, as if the strength of his convictions was going to magically carry us to our destination. We stood in shocked silence until my friend said, Okay, thank you. And he got back in his truck and drove away. Fucking hell.

That is the most insane... That's a murderer. That's amazing. For him to expect them to go, that's right, man, you stick up for yourself. Hey, good for you. We'll die here. Fucking hell, that's like some The Road shit.

That's funny as well, that he would assume solidarity. That is some Cormac McCarthy stuff. So he has an authoritarian libertarian. Okay. Authoritarian. All cars should be fitted with a device to record whenever someone pops their horn

and the situation leading up to it. I totally assumed you meant farts in the car. That's what this podcast has reduced me to. Yes, that's nice. The data will be sent to a panel for review and if deemed inappropriate, they shall be punished. Punishments will comprise of highly trained stealth operatives sneaking up on you and blasting a car horn right in your ear

several times a day for a set amount of weeks, depending on the original offence. Good stuff. You should absolutely have a finite number of horns you're allowed to sound. And if they run out, you have to explain yourself. And if you end up in a very dangerous situation when you finally need your horn, and you hit it it and it goes because you've run out it's boy you cried wolf in it yeah yeah and you deserve it and you get held responsible i don't think i've

ever beat my horn my entire life maybe once but yeah i'm not sure you know i think once in my life ever yeah um his most libertarian human should be allowed to shit outside freely bag it up and you're good to go I cannot find myself agreeing with that why should dogs have all the fun

eh Phil I don't know why he's directed that at you fucking a dog there's a lot of crossover here isn't there

there's fucking a dog there's me shitting on a plastic hammock and running around with it in my hand. Yeah, that's what he means. Yeah, that might be it.

He says, sincerely jacking it, James. Oh yeah, you must do it sincerely. You can't fake that sort of thing. It knows. People will know. Yes. And I think, yeah, that's... That used to be the way people did it.

You could just plop in the road, medieval style. Yeah, open defecation. It still happens. There's a real problem in, like, India. And China. Yeah. Apparently. Because people just get fucking sick.

You get sick. Also, there's, like, no decent public toilets, I guess. It's all, you know, like, the infrastructure's not very good. I think it's in India where it's called a helicopter it's people who shit in a plastic bag

it's a slum thing and you wind it up and yeah and you throw it and you just spin it and fly it into the air like Thor's hammer you just

you can only spin your own turds if you're worthy so everyone else are really heavy they just go thunk so George

Four Acres our friend George gets in touch dear boys just Phil being loudly fucked by loads of bees oh come on

what's this stinging barbs and mouth parts this time then oh from last time yeah because he accused us of being full of

filthy fetishes and then I mean in fairness you did get fucked by a load of bees last episode you don't know how it worked maybe I was fucking them

keep a jack in it you filthy animals he says PS a bees mouth is made up of in layman's terms absolutely loads of horrible complicated tongues I've attached a picture for your reference I'm sure you'll be able to look to tumblr in short order to find a cartoon

film being set upon by countless labial palps whilst cartoon Pierre watches it all going down in his pants hashtag fetish wang fetish spelt with a ph hashtag fetish wang we have our first hashtag there yeah let's

let's make it our last and actually let's even not remember that one how many tongues did it have does a bee have let's see I scrolled away from it because it was horrible looking like a lot Does a bee have? Oh, let's see. I scrolled away from it because it was horrible looking. Like a lot.

One, two, at least three or four. Now that's what I call a bee-jay. Yeah! Can you put like firework sound effects on that, please? Yeah, I will. And trumpets and all kinds. Yeah! Hi there, pub bods. As a catchphrase that inspired a generation as the catchphrase that inspired a generation jacks on

and has now resulted in drive-by keep jacking it's and open correspondence keep jacking it's I'm just wondering what the worst outcome for Phil would be. Someone declaring to him, just jacking it's and open correspondence keep jacking it's just wondering what the worst outcome for Phil would be someone declaring to him just jacked it or for your epitaph to read keep jacking it thanks for the weekly

poo and filth laughs keep jacking it Frank is it illegal to give someone an epitaph they didn't want I've always wondered this that would be interesting would that be slander technically well you can't li that be slander technically ooh well you can't

or libel you can't libel or slander the dead is it the second someone dies you can go they were a pedo the whole time

and everyone just has to go maybe we don't think so but maybe keep jacking it on my tombstone would actually be

I'd quite like that actually yeah that's pretty good that would be fun there would be a lot'd quite like that actually Yeah that's pretty good That would be fun there would be a lot of tourists To that particular grave Wait no I don't think that at all what if my kids are there They're really sad If I die now I wouldn't mind I think

I think that would be kind of funny But if I'm like old And I die a really dignified death With my family around me You've become like a really respected author and public figure. And so much so that people have sort of forgotten my previous life. And then out of nowhere this sketch phrase comes up.

I don't know, he said he wants to keep jacking it on. He didn't explain. And he said in gold on granite. They were his final words. And it's also on there in like every language of the world. Like when they send something into space. Like wrapping around the headstone really tasteful. In between each translation is like

a circle dot. Yeah, so you can tell, oh that's separating. That's the Arabic, that's Hebrew. That's, even in like Mayan hieroglyphs, they find all of them ending in an exclamation mark. The Spanish one has the one at the beginning, obviously. Yeah, of course the people know to be surprised

and excited already uh billy says hey there pud bods um oh hang on uh billy says hey there uh pud bods been listening pud bods pud bods yeah okay um been listening since episode one oh well done

and very much enjoying weekly bursts of bud okay i'm not phased at all by the bum bum poo poo pee pee chat

and i'm in fact pleased that phil was very open about his experiences collecting medical samples kudos to you guys for overcoming

silly taboos yeah i'm trying to destigmatize the poo time the stink i to destigmatize the stink. I'm destigmatizing. Yeah. Thank you very much, Billy, for giving us a way to be woke about this now. Yeah.

Finally we've got an angle. Yeah. Some choose the bum-bum life, and some have a bum-bum life of sorts thrust upon them. That's true. I have ulcerative colitis. Some are born to bum bum. Yeah. Some are

bum bum to born. That doesn't mean anything. Some are born out the bum. Yeah, that's true. If you read some newspapers. I was born out my own bum! It's always like a red top you've never heard of. It's like a homeless man ate my dog or whatever the hell. It doesn't make any sense. I have ulcerative colitis

and this has meant getting several endoscopy procedures over the years. Sometimes this involves the nurse administering an enema which then gives you a rather spectacular movement to clear out the area ready to make a movie in there. Okay. I think the okay thank you

to the person who just gave you the enema is probably the weirdest I can imagine. Okay, thank you. Okay okay thank you to the person who just gave you the enema is probably the weirdest I can imagine. Okay, thank you! Okay, thank you! But what else could one say in that situation? So what's just happened? They've just filled you up with something that is going to make you poop loads. To flush you out, yeah. So you're on your way to the toilet.

I think they hoover it out of you. No. Yeah, I think so. I think they're just all in one big pipe. Where's the fun in that? I don't know. I'm not sure. What else could one say in that situation? You've just made an enema for life. That's pretty good. And a real

mistake medically, if they have. Keep up the excellent pods. Maybe don't keep jacking it, because that could have gone in my eye, actually. Cheers, Billy. Thank you, Billy. Oh, Billy. What are we going to do with you Now a personal attack here from Beth On you Phil

Although maybe she didn't know it Dear Px2 My uncoolest cool thing Of all the cool things This is the least cool Is massive over ear headphones Excuse me Which Phil by the way loves

Phil always has a head like a big radio man from the past. You've also got big old headers. I keep them at home and shame. But they just sound so good. They are better. You can't go back to the old buds. The old ways. You can't...

I can't listen to Budpod on little buds. I can't... You can't appreciate all the poo jokes i can't bud bud pod you can't bud bud pod pod i can't have a pair of bud pod buds beth says they make your head look enormous and people spend mad money to use them to look cool and yet we just wear them around their neck all day however they are cool due to the super good sound quality and comfiness so love the podcast keep jacking it beth how unnerved would you be if you borrowed someone like huge

headphones and the sound was terrible oh and it was like and you just looked at them like what and then and then the next thing you see is just a fence coming to your

face and you black out yeah and you wake up yeah yeah yeah and you're in a basement yeah and it's just you you hanging by your wrist and you look around and it's just loads of big headphones hanging

from the ceiling and you're like what is going on and you hear someone coming down the stairs and it's the guy and he says oh they sounded bad today and he goes how does this sound

and he starts playing Beethoven's Fifth through all the headphones that are hanging from the ceiling and so you can just kind of hear them very lowly

and it's like you can never really yeah it's all tinny and it all sounds very far away and then the guy goes now you know

now you know and he goes up back up the stairs. How would you feel? I'd feel regret. Yeah. I guess you'd take Ash in a try this guy's headphones on. Ross gets in touch.

Hey, Ross. I'm loving the podcast. I've been listening to it while my ween is napping. Okay. So he's Scottish and he has a child. Yeah. Maybe he's a Limmy fan. I'm loving the podcast I've been listening to it while my ween is napping okay so he's Scottish and he has a child yeah maybe he's a Limmy fan

maybe he's a Limmy fan my ween I'd like to submit my coolest uncool thing being a parent which we've said already okay yeah yeah yeah that has come up

yeah we acknowledge that as a cool uncool thing he says it's cool because people admire your patience and fortitude but it's uncool because you spend

the first two years of your child's life up to your knees in excrement Which is probably true Yeah but very much In this podcast's wheelhouse Yes very much so In fart related news

The word for bread in Korean is And then there's a Korean symbol And in brackets Bebang Which is definitely reminiscent of a fart Keep strangling the snake, Ross Actually we don't condone violence towards animals Even the most violent animals

So we're going to have to cancel the I'm Afraid Ross Ross is cancelled Ross is cancelled I'm afraid Ruri gets in touch Spelt Ruhari Oh lovely Dear Phil and Pierre, i love the podcast and look forward to hopefully seeing you both at the edinburgh fringe hopefully make it so dear

listeners phil and i will both be at the fringe for the whole month in edinburgh in august the whole fucking time the whole time we're idiots we are idiots um i just wanted to contribute to the list of uncoolest cool things you're compiling. My uncoolest cool thing is losing your virginity specifically for men, as I can't speak for women. You're right, Ruri. You can't. Losing your virginity is the single most important goal in a teenager's life. And you are naturally making it super cool to achieve.

However, it usually ends up being embarrassing or even traumatic. And many people try very hard in order to accomplish this feat to the point of desperation. That's true. That's good, that's good. I feel the unfortunate need to give you an example. Please. I really hope this ends with an okay, thank you. My own story...

My own story happened... That could have gone in my eye! Really? My own story happened when I was 19 okay first of all I was very shy and had to be almost

dragged into the bedroom in order for this to occur that doesn't sound good which is probably why it happened so late which is fairly emasculating to begin with however

it all went wrong later on during my attempt to climax I was struggling to finish I'm sorry is Ruri a guy

Ruri's a guy but he said I can't speak for... Oh, he's speaking on behalf of men. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, I mixed those up. You're always mixing it up because you're so... I don't see gender. You don't see gender, race, colour,

clothes. Don't see... I'm blind. I lost my eyes. Sorry, yeah. They were cut out of my head. That's a faster way of saying that I should have opened the podcast with that It's a bit of a development It all went wrong later on during my attempt to climax I was struggling to finish

Like he's climbing a mountain Base camp I'll rest here for the night I was struggling to finish Due to nerves And I tried to give it a bit more effort. Yeah. Due to my efforts and strain, my nose proceeded to burst.

Ooh, wow. Wow. Blood went all over the poor woman and we had to stop so she could clean herself up and I could deal with the blood profusely pouring out of my face. I feel like this is what you guys would call a full 10 on the Louis scale. I think that's true.

Yes, of effort. 10 out of 10 Louis is trying to climax so hard that your face bursts. You start bleeding the opposite end of your body. That's how all-consuming this effort is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your body just knew that you wanted fluid to shoot out in some way. Just the idea of him going... Needless to say, but we have been happily married for two years now.

You're joking. And I still haven't heard the end of it. Sincerely, Ruri. Bloody hell. Well, literally. So they form like a blood pact, essentially. That's metal. That's a really like death metal.

Oh my days. A blood fuck pact. Wow. You will lose your virginity, my son. And the lady who you bleed upon shall be your bride. That was the most unexpectedly sweet ending to that story. sweet ending to that story. But yeah, that's like something Carl fucking Drogo in

Game of Thrones and Mick would have to do to... It's a ritual. That's the most romantic way for two goths to get married. They had a virginity... Because losing your virginity is like a sacrifice.

And it's like sex and blood and yeah, like a bond. Yeah, that's fucking cool. I hope you have devil horns on your rings on your fingers not your assholes uh although that's so painful be a funny tattoo not worth it but for that one one the one time it actually gets a laugh pretty funny i'd have a tattooed on the inside of my butt cheeks like um two eyes and two eyebrows above my asshole so if you pull my um buttocks apart it looks like a face going you try and make it so that your own asshole is sarcastically impressed that someone's finally managed to convince you to open up your asshole oh Ooh, look at you! Opening up Phil's bum.

Well, ooh, you'll be so proud. Look who it is. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And on this street we have a beautiful church put up by Pope Crazy the 50th. And he made this a church so that he had the place to go to church and to pray but to have enough privacy and room for all of the sex workers he would have a sex with and inside this church is why they are the paintings of the many sex workers from scenes in the Bible.

So it fits the theme. And next, literally two feet away, is another church put up by Pope Sexy the 9000th. And he had this church built on top of the childhood home of his worst enemy from school. on top of the childhood home of his worst enemy from school. He swore revenge for being bullied, for having too easy an erection in the class. And so he grew up and he find this man and he kill him and his whole family and bury him under the church.

And over here we have a big building that Mussolini made to frighten minorities and it worked, very scary and over here we have a bridge the reason it is red is because the blood of so many people was spilled when they were building it deliberately to give it the color red and that is why okay okay thank you for all your correspondence everyone

there's still a lot of you to get to Alfredo Jay Barakvet Tom Adelaide and Chris

Adelaide yeah what a name we will be getting to you soon but thank you very much thank you for all of your input we were trying to think of a code question weren't we for the podcast

oh yeah so basically other podcasts most notably the John Robbins and Ellis James podcast have the sort of American Marine style identification code question of, are you on email? Yeah, they say, are you on email? And then the person says, you absolutely have to be these days. And that's how two suspected podcast fans identify each other.

Yeah. Now, ideally, I'd want ours to emerge organically. Yeah. But we were thinking today, none of our current organically arisen catchphrases work. You couldn't say them to a stranger. You couldn't say, have you been jacking it?

Yeah, yeah. Unless they happen to be working on a car at the time and you can pass it off as being about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hope you have been keeping on jacking it it's also hard to phrase in that grammar are you a pilot are you a pilot that's funny are you a pilot my work are you a pilot how are you going to get to work now that could be pretty funny um but the answer would be how am i supposed to get yeah i guess the answer would be yes how am I supposed to get... I guess the answer would be, yes, how am I supposed to get to work now? That could be it.

Listeners, if you have any really bright ideas, send them in. Why not? Otherwise, we'll just wait for it to emerge. And please don't then send in, do you listen to Bud Pod? We know what kind of sarcastic twats you are. And now that I've said that i realize we're gonna get so fucking yeah but well people will definitely use the hashtag filth wang or whatever it was fetish fetish wang fetish way um and also like uh we can't obviously it needs to be a catchphrase

that you could say to a stranger and there'd be no consequences so if you said have you ever pooed on a plastic hammock that could start a fight in a pub if you're not careful so yeah watch out for that but otherwise yeah just keep jacking it I guess and

it's becoming more and more fun to say that in a way where the obscenity of it absolutely no longer registers

yeah it's quite dangerous isn't it it is dangerous it's a dangerous game we play here on Budpod a dangerous game for you for you

for your sakes for your sakes thank you very sakes. Thank you very much for your correspondence. Keep on jacking it and get in touch. Thebudpod at gmail.com or at thebudpod on Twitter. Okay, bye! Bye, thank you. Bye-bye.