BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 150 - Dudes being Guys with Dudes

Episode Date: February 9, 2022

Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie discuss weeping in church, Mata Hari and spy names such as three Charlies. Correspondence from Carly Fee's sassy cat fart, Lauren gets in touch about some Etsy tat, Rob's CCTV log drop. Sketch is Phil's vicar's Carol Of The Bells.Pierre's special here! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzKlHB43UG8 Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod 150! One Five-O! The Fun Five-O, a.k.a. The Fun Police! The Fun Police. Look who's turned up, The Fun Police, The Fun Five-O. Well look who it is. Who's come over telling us to turn the music down, The Fun Five-O. Where does that come from?

Was that show Miami 5-0? Is that the show? Hawaii 5-0? How 5-0 came to mean police. Yeah. Is it Hawaii 5-0? I guess so. It's Hawaii, isn't it?

Yes, Hawaii 5-0. So it's like... Yeah, but why 5-0? Is it code? Let's look this up now why does 50 mean police i think it's because of hawaii 50 i think that's the 50 slang for police came from the television show oh hawaii being the 50th state oh the hawaii 50 used the numerals as a fictional police division on the show interesting right because they're always like 5050 like in the show and then that became the thing that people say it's funny to think that they are referencing a sort of tropical police

very tropical 80s police force tropical police with a little sort of coconut helmets and slices of pineapple on their guns A tropical 80s police force. Tropical police with a little coconut helmet and slices of pineapple on their guns. Although I say that. Anywhere nice in America always seems to have a secret meth slash heroin slash both problem. So I'm sure Hawaii is no exception. Yeah, I wonder what their terrible

drug is that's ruining people's lives. I bet it's meth. It feels too hot for heroin. Heroin always seems to be in the cold bits. Oh, interesting. Right, so there's opioids in the cold bits and meth in the hot bits. I think so.

Those are my instincts for some reason. Here we go. I googled it. I googled Hawaii drug problem, which is a great band name. People also ask, what is the main drug in Hawaii? What is the main drug? It's meth. It's meth, Phil.

Well done. Wow. I might be the tap whisperer, but is Pierre the drug whisperer? I might be the tap whisperer but is Pierre the drug whisperer? I'm certainly the meth whisperer I'm not, that would be a terrible thing to be 150 is You know what Phil It might be one of if not the neatest looking number

It does look good, it's incredibly masculine I find number 150 To be very masculine 15 is very masculine and then o is quite neutral so 150 is very masculine for me interesting yeah i think i agree with that i think i think i'm on board with that manly old 150 um it's like a bunch of guys hanging out that's what i see that's the raw shack test of 150 to me you show me 150 and say what do you see just a bunch of good dudes having a having a good time together look 150 just some guys being dudes with some other guys that's right um i will say before we begin uh another plea for budpod listeners to very kindly watch my special on YouTube.

Thank you for everyone who's been sharing it and watching it already. Yes. It's an hour of free stand-up of highlights from years and years. Free. Can you believe it? The best of Pierre Novelli Bringing you the very best of Novelli A routine about eggs

A routine about Michael Jackson Both of types of comedy The Michael Jackson routine is For me one of the all time great Stand up routines Your Michael Jackson routine I just think it's so perfect you first saw that routine in a shed at the machinclith comedy festival yeah and i lost my mind yeah god i lost my little mind in the cold shed it was so good

it's so good yeah what's that special you're racking up the views already ain't ya yeah 28 000 or thereabouts Something like that Wow, that's a population of Like a town? Yeah, that's a pretty good town You bump into your exes a lot But it's nice for the kids to have space

One of those towns I'll put the link to the special in the Podcast description so you guys can click Click on it Mother Also special in the podcast description so you guys can click on to that mother also the Patreon will have been given a heads up about this

but I am doing some work in progress shows in the London area you're working? you're progressing? if you want to see me progress in real time and you're in the London area go to my my website, philong.co.uk. Or keep an eye out on my Twitter and Instagram and come to these shows.

Yeah, and they will be good because, Phil, you have a well-deserved reputation in the comedy community for a man who shows up with new material that is already very close to finished. Do I? Do I have this do i do i have that reputation i remember us doing old rope and you went on stage and it was like this really series of like really like all bait like almost completely just fully formed bits i mean there was no like umming and ahhing with notepads and things to like the rest of us i think you're a precise man i think you i think i think you build stuff to test and test to see if it works whereas people like me and others will often test stuff to

see if there's anything in there and then if they like the response then they'll build it you know i'm definitely becoming more like that though like going on with less of an idea and trying to work it out but i have also realized as i've gotten older that I expect a lot, maybe an unrealistic amount from my first draft than a lot of people. And sometimes that can come across as impressive, but most of the time it just means I don't start anything. Yes. Because I'm like, oh, this isn't good. I'll just give up completely then. this isn't good, I'll just give up completely then. Whereas someone

more mentally healthy will go, okay, I'll just do a first draft. If it's not good, work on it. Me, I'm like, if this isn't good, the first time anyone sees it, I will pull my head off and throw it in a ditch. If my

first draft isn't naturally perfect, then everything is over. And I'm going back to bed and if I don't get in bed perfectly, I'll sleep on the floor like a dog. That's the healthy way to live.

Speaking of healthy things to do uh we i'm not we're not sure when it's coming up but we have recorded a podcast mashup with the excellent nobody panic podcast with stevie martin and tessa coates um yes there's two great ladies yep yes and we've, we've mushed up podcasts together. Like when the kid mixes two colors of Play-Doh. Yeah. And ne'er the twain shall be separated. And it's going to be released to raise money for Comic Relief, Red Nose Day, all that. So keep your peepers peeled.

Keep your peepers peeled for when that particular pod punctures into your perception. Into your iPone. Into your iPone, yes. Into your smartphone. But yeah, it was a blast to record it with the gals, with the No Body Panic gals. A lot of fun.

Yes, we got them to do some tat whispering. They got us to do some life advice. Yeah. And together we licked the platter clean. We licked it clean and we did some correspondence. So, Mike, if you're listening, your correspondence about your wonderful Malaysia trip and your hut mishap uh will be in a charity masher podcast lucky you and if you listen very carefully you might be able to hear the shame in my voice at having to

impose our shit stories onto two people who normally don't talk about shit every single episode two people who have a respectable podcast um yeah they have like a theme tune they have production values they've got all these concepts floating around that they maintain and stick to with greater consistency than us and that podcast if you imagine it as like a lovely sort of aristocrat is being forced to ride in a carriage with all Phil and Pierre, the dung shovelers.

We're sat opposite them in the carriage, Phil, going, Evening, milady. Thank you very much for the lift. Very kind. I'm not saying anything. I'm just looking at them leaning against the side in the carriage, Phil, going, Evening, milady. Thank you very much for the lift. Very kind. I'm not saying anything. I'm just looking at them leaning against the side of the carriage. Oh, God, no. Just looking at them like...

Oh, God. No, that noise. And you go, don't mind, Phil. He don't mean no harm. And I'm just like. And you make some horrible noise. Like quiet you. Like a kind of weird.

And you smack me in the head. And I'm like. Yeah I think that's what experience was like for them. To be honest. That's what it was like um although we it was interesting that stevie didn't know so any listeners who don't know why um shit comes up so much is because backstory for anyone who can't be bothered to go back episode seven i believe it was phil you told a very funny anecdote about a fecal sample kit, medical kit, and using it. Yeah, that had just happened to me in Australia

where we're recording from. Yes, and listeners started getting in touch with similar stories, and we joked about how, oh, wouldn't it be terrible if this just became just a deluge of feces in our inbox? And that is what it became because we joked about it and because it would be funny. We wished it into existence, much like a demon.

Everything that this podcast has become has become that way because we begged that it wouldn't so like when when people started signing off their correspondence with keep jacking it i was like please please don't let that be our catchphrase and all that did was encourage people to make it our catchphrase yes and that's what koji is for anyone who's also been baffled as to that let's keep on jacking it yeah yeah i can't believe we've been doing this long now that there are people listening who might not even know why these fucking things happen yeah and and god bless you for being baffled by it but just going well i guess this is the kind of party I've got a ticket to. I'm sure it'll make sense eventually.

I'll enjoy the ride. God bless you. Very nice of you. Very noble. Very generous. So we are recording this on a Sunday for various reasons. Phil, when was the last time you went to church, Phil, for goodness sake? I went to church for Midnight Mass, which I do every year that I can when I'm in Bath. I go to a lovely little Methodist church for Midnight Mass. And it's beautiful. A Methodist Midnight Mass? Yeah, I just came across this church one day, one year, when I was looking for Midnight Mass.

Because the rest of my family has all given up on midnight mass but i i associated so much with our tradition that i still go yeah and i found this little church and i love it it's very peaceful and um well you know we've said before that i'm i'm a real crier now in the movies yes especially but i i so now every year i go to midnight mass in this small church in Bath and there's like a congregation of literally eight people or something spread around. And I just cry. And,

and then I say hi to the priest afterwards. Yeah. And he says, it's good to see you again. And he only sees me like once every year or once every two years or something. And then I go, thank you.

And then I, I leave and i don't see him again for at least a year um so he either he either he knows who i am or he doesn't and i'm just some guy who comes once a year cries says hi and i think goes off and does something or he does know who i am and he'll see me on tv doing standard like my bum is chinese or whatever it is I do. And he'll be like, he cries a lot more than he's letting

off. He'll be watching it going, what kind of massively diverted, rich inner life is, you know, this is not the man I know. What's going on? If he doesn't know who you are, If he doesn't know who you are,

if he doesn't know who you are, he definitely thinks you're an assassin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. That's a bit how I feel when I go. I feel like Daredevil or Agent 47. Yeah, yeah.

Whenever there's a hitman, it's always such a tempting juxtaposition to go, oh, but he sometimes goes to church. Yes, yes, yes, yes. There's something in him, at least. Yes, yes. He's a cold-blooded killer, but deep down he's seeking penance.

Deep down he's seeking forgivenessance deep down he's seeking forgiveness he wants penance and he can he he at least has a sense of something larger than himself he isn't an egomaniac killer yes he's he does suborn himself before something even if in the abstract um yes god that's quite that's quite a powerful set of images You've brought to my mind there, Phil That's profound, and I like it a lot It's good stuff It is good stuff I think that sort of like

Organ-heavy Christian imagery Is always very affecting And very moving, especially if you've grown up Culturally Christian as we have Yes It's very affecting, even if you are yourself secular. What's the church like? Because I was surprised.

I would have thought for midnight mass on a Christmas Eve, you want to kind of as ornate and all the church as possible, whereas most Methodist churches I've been in have been fairly Spartan. Oh, very Spartan. I mean, Bath is like a great town for big old churches, is the Bath Abbey. And there will be somewhere with big honking... We used to go to a Catholic midnight mass in Bath and it'd be like this big... Jesus is here, lovely presents and stuff.

Yeah, yeah, snow on the ground and sky in the air. But then I was like, I find it's a bit crass and what I love about this Methodist place is just how quiet it is and there's no choir the carols are just played on a violin or piano there are these actual like

chandeliers as in candle chandeliers that must be there been there for centuries. Yeah, I don't want to say where it is because then everyone will ruin it. Don't ruin it. Which is

how you can tell that you're not religious. Yeah, I don't want to spread the good word. Look, the last thing we want is this good word getting spread horrible and thin over everyone's faces. We want to keep a nice big blob of good word on me, on my bread. I think what it is is a fine Christmas and the end of... What I love about Christmas and winter is how reflective it is. Yes. And it's hard to be reflective in like a noisy,

caroly, busy atmosphere. With a lot of standing up and down. Just a quiet room. Yeah, I don't like it. And having to do stuff. That's the thing. So when they make you do things in the congregation, you sort of think, well, I'm in the audience.

I shouldn't be doing stuff. Yeah. Yeah. i hate audience interaction in shows at church i i'm always disappointed oh god he's here like every year sat at the back wearing mac, don't know his name his private shame, sends him to me sits silently, boo-hoo boo-hoo, I can hear you everyone can, what is your plan

why have you come, sat on your bum, not here last week, sat on your cheeks, I find it odd, sat on your tod, I guess it's fine, it's Christmas time, did I let in an assassin by mistake, who is here to kill me, really, really, really, really, kill me Really, really, really, really, really Hope not

Really, really, really, really, really Hope not Wait, is that Phil? Not here to kill He's just a clown No need to frown Oh God, he's here Like every year

Sat at the back Wearing a mac Don't know his name His private shame Sends him to me Sits silently Boo-hoo, boo-hoo I can hear you

Everyone can What is your plan? Why have you come Sat on your bum, not here last week Sat on your cheeks, I find it odd Sat on your tod, I guess it's fine It's Christmas time, did I let in An assassin, by mistake

Who is he to kill me, really, really, really Really hope not How about you, when did you last speak with Our Lord? I think it must have been at a wedding. And it might have been that wedding that you and I both attended. Of course, of course. So I think that was it. And always...

Was that the last one? I think it must have been. Always nice to... It's been a lot of weddings this year, and there's going to be... Last year, and there's going to be even more this year for me to attend. So, yeah.

A few good hymns in there, which is nice. Practice the old hymn singing. I don't know... You know what? Here's a question. I know Americans go to church a lot, but they don't seem to have the same hymns, hymn vibe.

Yes. Whenever I see Americans in a church singing hymns, it's either some kind of hymn from the 60s and they've got an actual band of old white dudes with long hair playing it on guitars, like in a Baptist church or something like made of steel and glass or it is like an all-black congregation singing sort of spirituals or amazing grace or whatever yes yeah but there's no like um lord of the dance or anything i guess it's a lot more part of our culture i mean we we sing hym I mean, we sing hymns at school assembly, right?

Yeah, there's hymns at school and stuff. I don't think they do. Not every school. Not every school, but a shockingly high amount of schools. Also, in fairness, I mean, the UK has like a state religion, basically. Yes, yeah. The old church yeah yeah

whereas America is the opposite does America have an official religion God no God no yeah you gotta separate church and state

my friend that's the republic you're talking about yeah that's why all the Mennonites and so on went there all the different

minor religions that were getting persecuted in Europe they all snuck over to America and started their niche churches over there. How funny that they have no state religion and yet are a lot more religious than we are here. Yeah, it is odd, isn't it?

It is strange. And we have a monarchy but we're much ruder or at least up until the up until the last 10 years we were much ruder than americans to our elected officials or public officials whereas they had a lot of that kind of mr president sir i respect your honor that's a lot of that that's true whereas yeah for us the queen gets to enjoy all that shit and we call the prime minister a pig no matter who he is your little pig to his face to his face once a week you can't miss it he has to come to parliament to be screamed at it's very funny yeah i feel like i could walk up to it in the in uk there's a feeling that you could walk up to the prime minister and shove them yeah you'd be all right you could just go

and just give them a shove and the policeman go oi oi stop it and that would be it if you if you looked at the president of the united states too close you get shot in the eye oh you'd be you'd look eye. Oh, you'd be... You'd look like you had acne. You'd be covered in so many sniper's laser dots. Your head would be more bullet than head within milliseconds. Absolutely. Yeah.

I know what you mean. It does sort of feel like you could walk past Boris Johnson in the street and quite happily just go, idiot! Or something and kind of flip him off. And then keep walking to the shops. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's right. At least for now.

I mean, if I prime minister, he has done something shameful. People will just congregate outside the building they're in, and when they come out, go, shame on on you you piece of shit you fucking and like the executive have to bow their heads down and like hurry them into a car like they tried to do that they tried to do that with donald trump when he wanted that photo opportunity at that church and they just got tear gassed yeah a bunch of guys dressed as starship troopers beat them half to death and gassed them i suppose i suppose january the 6th was a bunch of americans deciding they finally did want to chat face to face with the rifles uh yeah to their representatives.

So that's... Maybe they need an outlet. Yeah. Reading my English history book, I finally now appreciate... And I guess it's almost trite at this point to bring up the Magna Carta. But it is... I didn't realise just how

seminal it was. Yeah. And how it really still informs our public life today i mean the reason we can you can just flip off boris johnson and call him a piece of shit in the street or you can make jokes about the queen it's because yeah all these years ago people were like the king should should have to answer to the law it's yeah it's really quite incredible it is amazing and and if you go to where the magna carta was signed the field where it was signed the sort of monument they're commemorating it had to be put up by the

american bar association i think lawyers in america um because no one in the UK gave a fuck about it. Yeah. Right, right, right. But it's not the Magna Carta, is it? It's Magna Carta. Yash. But Magna Carta is cited a lot in either the American Constitution or in a lot of American law. It is, yeah. And they have a copy with the Constitution in the Rotunda or whatever it's called in DC. Yeah, it's really

incredible they're big into it they love it they couldn't get enough of that carter magna or otherwise magna carter would be a good name for a guy with a surname carter magna magna sounds more like a girl's name to me yeah magna and magnus maybe would be the yes oh that'd be great that's a great name for like a british spy magnus carter oh that's good that is good it's a little foreign but the surname's english it works yeah yeah yeah magnus carter That's really nice. That's really nice. Yeah. Magnus Carter. Pleasure. Wow. Very good. Yeah. What would your

spy name be? Oh. Fata Hari. Fata Hari. That's great That's great Right off the dome I was always amazed by Mata Hari She was

Egyptian? Or she pretended to be Egyptian? I can't remember now, Mata Hari. Oh, God. Was she Dutch? But she pretended to be, like, Middle Eastern or something? Yeah, she did.

She was Dutch, though. Oh, was she? But, like, quite a dark-looking Dutch lady. Ah. Despite traditional assertions that Mata Hari was partly Jewish, Malaysian, or Javanese, scholars conclude she had no Jewish or Asian ancestry and both her parents were Dutch. She was just a bit dark.

Wow. Just quite dark. Because Mata Hari in Malay means son. So I was always amazed that there was this famous World War II spy who had a Malay name. World War I spy? Was she a Malay name. World War I spy? Was she? Yeah, apparently. Gosh. There's a picture of her

in sexy clothes on her wiki. Do you find it weird when you see a lady being all sexy and you know it's from like 1904? Yeah, because you sort of imagine like her bones now and you go oh that's not that's not very sexy now but then it's very sexy i don't understand yeah the bones thing you have to imagine yourself time traveling otherwise uh yeah just at pictures of her now.

I mean, yeah. In some pictures she's like, yeah, she could be Persian. But in other pictures she's just obviously a Dutch lady. Yeah, and all she had to do was sort of put on costume jewelry and go...

And everyone was like, nah, she's exotic, all right. This is how badly traveled people used to be. If you just put like some bangles on, you went... Ah, this woman hails from the Orient. I see you have a sort of swirly silk thing. You must be foreign.

Is that easy? Some shit just used to be so easy. Do you think it's always interesting when you... Can you imagine Mata hurrying up? Is that easy? Some shit just used to be so easy. Do you think it's always interesting when you... Can you imagine Mata Hari now, Pierre? Can you imagine the cancelling she'd get? She's Rachel Dolezal, basically. She's Rachel Dolezal. She's in brownface, basically.

Phil, can you imagine the Twitter war between people trying to cancel Mata Hari for browning up, essentially, and people trying to argue the sex-positive, pro-sex-workers-work case for her just making the best of a situation and marketing it, and then the ensuing war within that community?

Oh, my God. What a time of takes it would have been uh the sometimes i wish i could i could dredge up historical figures and put them in i feel like we're missing out on so many great culture wars people say the culturals have gone too far i don't think they've gone far enough let's bring up like old cases old people from the past let's bring up like past events i mean we already guess we already bring up past events in the culture wars but like let's bring up figures like matahari yeah and and and from rumple stiltskin um rasputin and people like rumple stiltskin. And people like Rumpelstiltskin from history.

How quickly we forget that he was a kidnapper and he was an alchemist. He could make gold from... Maybe they killed him because they just didn't want workers to own the means of production and make gold from hay, Phil. Do you know the story of Rumpelstiltskin is like... She can only defeat rumble still skin who's taken this lady or princess captive yeah and she says and the only way to defeat him is to is to tell him his own name to say his name if you if you say his name to him he'll he will perish

and she finds out his name because she like like spies on him one night and he's just on his own in his bedroom just going my name is rumpled stilt skin rumpled stilt skin is my name my name again is rumpled stilt skin la la la and and i sometimes think how is that a story that has survived generations if If you saw that story in a TV show today, you'd go, fuck whoever wrote this. Fuck them. This is such shitty writing. Are you kidding?

Were they in a rush to finish the season? Why has he just stood there saying his own name to himself? I'd love to see a James Bond where James Bond is like, he's got his Walther PPK, the little pistol, and he's in a tuxedo, and he's just creeping behind a series of like, you know, ornate statues, and he's trying to sneak up on Blofeld,

and Blofeld's just there like, just doodling with a pen and pad, just going, the password to the missiles is 97342, just to himself. I hope that James Bond doesn't come and make them launch at me instead of you.

Just coloring in. having a nice evening. We're missing out on the body image debate for Mata Hari as well phil because people would say you see it would be like the whole marilyn monroe thing where people go you see it's not it wasn't always a thin a thin yes beautiful thing she's a let bring us back to the days of the plus size spy pierre all these spies nowadays the unrealistic expectations we put on our young people

if they ever become spies. Yep, yep, yep. Particularly damaging the scenes where James Bond uses his thinness to get through bars. Or the jail. Skinny Bond. It would be weird to have a skinny Bond. We haven't really had one, have we?

They've all been... I mean, Thingy was a bodybuilder. Who? Oh, God. Sean Connery. Oh, yes. He was a boxer, wasn't he? Yeah, and a bodybuilder.

He lifted lots of weights and was a big boy. Pierce Bron... Hom. Pierce Brosnan. He was quite... He's quite a slender fella. Pierce Brosnan. How tall is Pierce Brosnan?'s quite a slender fella Pierce Brosnan how tall is Pierce Brosnan?

guess this Phil 5'9 he's 1 metre 86 so that's at least 6 foot I think yeah 1, 186. Bronhom, as we've learned to call him from our Lord and Master Adam Buxton,

Prince of Podcasts, Father of Lies. I like the idea of talking about Adam Buxton as if he's like a devil we worship. That's quite fun. Am I really googling Pierce Brosnan muscles? Why are you looking a bit... Just like a picture of

just putting Pierce Brosnan bond. Then you'll see how a slim bond he was. No, I'm looking for... I want to see shirtless Brosnan. No, he's still pretty shredded. I'm talking like we've never had a Bond that looked like he was the lead singer

of a noughties emo band, you know what I mean? That's true, that's true. A little skinny emo Bond. A little indie Bond. Pierce is chunkier than I thought. Good for him. He's a chunky old fun Irish guy. Is he Irish or Northern? He's Northern Irish, right?

I thought he was Normal Republic. Oh. Normal Irish. Very problematic, Pierre. Yes, yes, well. If they finally get around to addressing my comments, then they'll

be doing pretty well. They'll be doing pretty well They'll be doing pretty well If I'm their main problem We should probably crack on with some correspondence We should We should do some correspondence We're running out of time Correspondence

Okay Carly Fee gets in touch Carly Fee Carly Fee? Yeah Carly space Fee Wow And that's the first name It's the name

That's been signed off So I'm reading it out in in full carly fee whoop dd whoop dd carly fee a up p squared says carly fee uh bit late to the bud party i'm 12 episodes in and hashtag obsessed oh that's a blast from the past good Good old Stacey Dooley. Stacey Dooley. I'm sassed. I'm sassed. Regarding bread farts, she says. Oh, of course.

Yeah, all breads, all words for bread sound like a fart. All words for bread sound like a fart. Bread. No. Bagel. fart all words for bread sound like a fart bread none bagel butter baguette so so Carly Fee says regarding bread farts when I was a kid we had a

fat white cat called Wormy oh that's a funny name for a cat bag of worms she used to lie on her back and I would tickle her belly pretty classic stuff good stuff one time she let out a really loud She used to lie on her back and I would tickle her belly. Pretty classic stuff.

Good stuff. One time she let out a really loud and kind of sassy sounding fart. Which I still, two decades on, occasionally call to mind with a chortle. So this, I'm going to have to try and imitate. She's written out phonetically. It was like, a-ba-bow. Right, yeah, like you're doing that finger swag thing from side to side.

A-ba-bow. A-ba-bow. Hard to convey via the written word, but the intonation had a kind of New York So what of it? Easy on the mayo Where's the funeral quality?

No! Bow Bow Bow I reckon we got it I think so Anyway, it made me think Bow

Hey, I'm farting here Hey, I'm farting here. Hey, I'm farting here. Yeah, that's the sound that comes out of this cat. Hey, I'm farting here. Hey, you fart your mother with that mouth. But yes, bow, of course, perfect. How did I miss that?

Bow. Bow. Bow. Ultimate bread fart, bow. Bow. Bow, bow. of course perfect how did I miss that bow ultimate bread foot bow bow gosh good spot good spot and we have some tat from Lauren Lauren

we haven't forgotten your tat hello boys I like that I like that. I like it. Yeah. It makes me feel like I'm in Charlie's Angels.

The main version. That's not be good. Can we have a gender swap? Charlie's Angels, please. Yes, which is a sexy lady voice tells us things to do. Yeah. Maybe her name's Angel and all of the spies' are charlie they're just different charles's yes it has to be charles charlie and chuck nice yeah charles is english and suave charlie is american and tough and chuck is a goofball who's good with technology

yeah and the lady comes on the ring and goes hi Charles's and we go hi Angel and the show's called Angels Charlies it's called Angels Charlies and we're all dressed in the sexy women's clothes their clothes are the same for some reason so you get to see us like

sprinting in a dress like bollocks flapping around I'd watch it and I'd be in it and anyone listening who has the funding let's do it hello boys says Lauren long time listener first time emailer I've stumbled on a rabbit hole of horrendous home signage on Etsy.

Oh, brilliant, yes. I couldn't not share with you. Please enjoy this ridiculous and, in some cases, threatening tat. Love the pod, Lauren. Thank you, Lauren. So, let's see if you can guess this, Phil. It is a coaster. It's a coaster.

And it says, use a coaster or I'll what you in the what. Punch you in the face. Punch is correct. But then not quite face. I'll punch you in the neck. Yeah, I'll give you that throat. Throat. Use a coaster or I'll punch you in the throat.

Wow, that is just aggressive. Aggressotat. Agrotat. And it's on the coaster. So they're already doing the right thing by being in a position to read it yeah exactly you're punishing the compliant you're punishing the compliant

it's a good phrase okay so this one is like a little dish, Phil, that you would have on the little table near your front door. The keys and nonsense dish, I would call it. Lovely, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have one. I have one such dish.

So it's a little dish, and written on the bottom of this dish says, it says, keys, wallet, phone. So keys, comma, wallet, so keys comma wallet comma phone comma don't what today um cry

yes in there don't cry today devastating yes the whisperer is whispering today keys wallet phone don't cry today That's what your little bowl says as you leave the house That's empowering

Sorry I'm off to midnight mass So no promises bowl I'm off for my Yearly hitman vibe yeah you'd have to sort of look and go not today bowl who do you think out there cries so much

that they can enjoy relating to a little bowl that tells them not to cry today I mean, it must be someone who doesn't cry all that much that can still laugh at the idea of crying every day. I reckon if you are very depressed and you're crying every day,

it would just be a taunt. Some people just cry constantly, though. Yeah. There are big cries out there. Maybe it's for them. It would just be a taunt. Some people just cry constantly, though. Yeah, yeah. There are big cries out there. Maybe it's for them, yeah. So, this piece of tat, Phil, this is a classic piece of tat. I've seen this phrase around the place before.

The font is basically Comic Sans. There's a lot of random capitalization. It's good stuff. Yeah. Comic Sans there's a lot of random capitalisation It's good stuff Yep So it says Be the kind of woman Right Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor

Each morning The who Says what It's such clunky wording Be the kind of woman who, when... No, no, no. Which is lovely. That when.

That when. Be the kind of woman that when you... Your feet hit the floor each morning. Yeah, yeah. The blank person, someone, says blank, blank, blank, blank. Like a little sentence, a little phrase. Is the person, is the word person part of this?

It's like the someone says. Like, who do you think that is? The someone says, when feet hit the floor, the flat below says fucking hell those are some big feet. I mean like

you get it, that's the right sort of sentiment. Right, yeah yeah yeah. The when your feet hit the floor the devil says says the devil says oh no she's awake

yes is it be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says oh crap she's up yes I did it yes I whispered that shit

all the way to Be the kind of woman The kind of woman Phil Who when you wake up the devil goes oh no So in other words a Christian woman A God fearing woman A God fearing Christian woman A good woman She just prays a lot

She just prays a lot And words that are capitalised in that Be kind woman And she's up for some reason She just prays a lot. And words that are capitalized in that, be kind woman and she's up for some reason. They haven't capitalized devil? No, a real blow to the devil there. That's really disrespectful to the Prince of Darkness. It is.

It is. We're supposed to love the monarchy in this country. And when it comes to the prince of darkness apparently we forget our manners the father of lies he did just he did just inherit

he just inherited the darkness you didn't build it you didn't build it you didn't build the darkness you inherited the darkness I was born in it molded by it and a short little thing to end on from Rob

Rob never stop sending us correspondence. You can't stop Rob. Hi, Poobods, he says. My short story, my Pooh short story is I used to work in a small local supermarket. Gorgeous.

Lovely. I came in one day and my supervisor said, you've got to see this He takes me to the office And shows me CCTV footage Of a guy And his friend Nice, that's nice Good for him

These two men, a guy and his friend Stood in front of the newspaper section of the shop The guy then proceeds to waggle his trouser leg. Right. A turd falls out. No. No.

At the bottom, it's just a poo. This just in. Extra, extra. There's a poo on the floor. He points at it yeah him and his friend laugh and leave what no

that is mad horrible man I thought I thought the newspapers were going to feature in this story more than that no special delivery god damn it I hate that what awful men and this newspaper right there that they could

have pooed on like a cat and they didn't yeah what a strange use of their time how much of it was planned i mean if his friend laughed then he must have was the friend surprised oh god it's hard to know. But good story. Good story. This then led to my colleague having to clean this up, which I can promise you she was not paid enough to do. I'm sure.

I'm sure. Poor colleague. Poor colleague. And then Rob reminds us of the reality TV show The Swan, he says. Do you remember The Swan? It was on MTV, and basically what I remember is they found an ugly person, smashed their face to bits, and rebuilt it with cosmetic surgery to show how much better life is not being ugly.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Yes. No way. Yeah, there's been a few shows like that, actually. Fucking hell. Yeah. Americans. Feel free to look it up.

It's possibly worse than it sounds. Thanks for your podcast, and hope you get the chance to add in the sketches again. They've been in for a while, Rob, but this is an old email. We did get around to it. Koji, Rob. Koji, Koji.

I've just looked it up. The Swan has 2.7 out of 10 on IMDb. A lot of ugly people on IMDb, Phil. That's what that means. Yeah. Must be. Well, thanks, Rob. Thank you, Rob.

And thank all of you. Yes, yes yes yes we must now go away to um our where where is where is the bonus pod this week an exclusive cosmetic surgery clinic yes that's right um and if you if you'd like a personal nip and tuck from your best buds, Phil and Pierre, then subscribe to our Patreon. But otherwise, we'll see you next week. We'll see you next week. Thank you, guys. Bye.

Bye.