BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 151 - Folding Sloths

Episode Date: February 16, 2022

Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie chat inverting penises, tribes, marie kondo, Ukraine, Sketch: Invert your penis songCorrespondence: Matt the three-legged Splat Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 151! 151 Palindrome Baby! It is a palindrome baby, and I'm going to say that 151 written down to me looks athletic. It does. Yes, the ones look like pole vault poles, and the five is a running man! Running between poles. Or maybe the ones are the start and the finish line, and the five is a man or woman mid-run between the two. Yeah. That's what a caveman would call the number five.

The running man. There was a running man amount of ox in the field. Today I saw Running Man coyotes. Ah, that's 151. Yeah, just nice. Just a nice number. Striped almost. Just nice. Yeah, it's a nice number. Striped almost. Just nice.

Yeah, it's a lovely number. I think I made a historical mistake there because a prehistoric man would not have seen a coyote, right? Because coyotes are native to the Americas? I guess it's still prehistory though. But, yeah. But were the people... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess it's still prehistory though But yeah

But were the Were the people They came over I think just after the Ice Age Or during the Ice Age There's some debate they're finding older and older remains That's right Because I always thought it was The Native Americans got there when the

Bering Strait was still frozen over So they could literally walk Across from the tip of Mongolia. But I think they've predated some. Oh, really? Yeah, I think it's even older than that, boy. And that's the reason a lot of Native Americans look so... And South Americans look so Chinese. There's a lot of Chinese...

There's a lot of similar genetics between the Chinese and the native americans um or so i've heard or so you've heard from old big chief wang yes yes what would my native american name because is it true that it's the first thing if your father sees as he leaves the birthing tent or something like that i've heard it was the first thing if your father sees as he leaves the birthing tent or something like that i've heard it was the first thing your mother saw but then like the trouble with all this stuff is that whenever you watch an american movie like cowboy film or whatever they always go like uh this is how the the indians work or whatever and it's always about like this one tribe in this one creek yeah exactly yeah so everyone's got all these ideas about Native Americans, and it's just exclusively the more cowboy ones,

like the Sioux or the Apache, or maybe Choctaw Creek, or the kind of Midwest action ones, whereas you can get the Native Americans who are up in Washington State or Oregon, and they're different. Yeah. They're just chill man uh would you ever consider filming one of those series where you go around uh exploring remote tribes like that guy

which guy i can't remember his name. Ben something is an English guy, and he would go and hang out with these very remote tribes. I think the show was literally called Tribe. I think no, to be honest. I'm interested, but I'm not interested enough to sleep on the ground. Yeah. Although the truth is they're probably all staying in hotels. I wonder.

Well, Tribe, here we go. Tribe, a British TV series hosted by former British Royal Marine Bruce Parry. Yeah, well, it's okay if you're a Marine. I think a Marine has... Yeah, they're equipped. He's got the skills.

I think he went kind of viral because there was a Tribe where you have to try and... I swear this is him. You have to try and kind of put your dick inside your body. What? Literally go fuck yourself? What are you talking about? I swear.

I could never... Yeah, it is. It is. What? I knew I... Yeah, it is. It is. What? I knew I hadn't dreamt this. He said on TV, sometimes you've got to put your dick inside yourself. He said,

sometimes you have to put your dick inside your body. This is jackass. And he jumped off a bridge. No, he... In a bid to be accepted by the Combai men, Bruce Parry undergoes a painful penis inversion ritual. Ooh! Penis inversion?

Yeah, they're Papuan. Papuan. The Combai. Right. And what does that involve, putting the... Like, is your penis usable afterwards, or is it gone? Is it lost inside yourself? I don't know.

I think it just pops in there. Just pop it in. Is that why they call it the popper one? The popper one. Yeah, the popper one. You pop a one inside yourself. Oh, man. When I hear stuff like that, I think,

I'm glad I'm not in a tribe. There's many times, actually, in my life I just go, you know what, I'm really glad I'm not in a tribe somewhere because it looks difficult. Is it the Maasai or is it a more obscure African tribe where there's this pairing festival ceremony where the men have to just

hop on a spot until a woman picks them. And they can be hopping there for hours. Maybe I've conflated the hopping Maasai. It's the Maasai who do the hopping. They do a jumping dance thing. Yeah.

Yeah, some kind of endurance test. And they can be doing it for hours before a lady walks up and goes, okay, you're all right. You're good at jumping. Yeah, but I can't remember which one. Yeah. To be fair, that's the same as a regional nightclub when you jump around.

That is true. That's exactly how it works. It's just Tiger Tiger, isn't it? It's just, sounds like a Friday night in central London. No, apparently they do just pop the dicks back inside

until it's time to use them again what? right so they just pop them in and they stay there until they're called upon yeah like a dog I hate this is that right?

I hate this I don't want to hear about that it's I remember seeing it on TV and just being like I'm having trouble even imagining what's happening and people still talk about male privilege Pierre tell that to the come by

yeah or is it privilege is it to have to put your penis up inside yourself until it's needed into your is it, to have to put your penis up inside yourself? To push your penis into your whole body. Into your whole body. There must be, like, this inverse culture where the men who are very proud, the men who are very cocky are the ones with the smallest penises because they have the least discomfort. Yeah, they have the easiest um getting dressed uh um routine

yeah like people guys go to each other hey did you see um what might one of the names be do you know what a combined name would be um alan alan let's say alan yeah do you see uh have you seen alan's penis and the other guy's like no why and then they do that with their thumb and their forefinger like the small penis symbol yeah and the other guy goes

really like he's impressed yeah and he'd be like he goes like lucky bastard and he'd be like I get so much more done

rather than spending four hours so he doesn't feel it at all yeah rather than spending four hours each morning trying to like punch my own dick back inside my body and fainting repeatedly oh so they have to do it every day well i don't know i mean it seems like it's something like once you can do it you can do it that's the impression i get right and in fairness i did just think of this because you know how the jungle is full of stuff, right? Yeah, it's packed. Every time I go in the jungle, I'm like,

Horda is just so much crap everywhere. Marie Kondo would have a field day in a jungle. Holding up a sloth and asking if it brings you joy. And then sort of calmly saying thank you to it as she puts it in a bin saying thank you to the sloth folding it up popping it in the bin as it sort of goes

and kind of tries to claw the air vaguely she very calmly folds it and just sort of crushes its bones she's incredibly strong Yes it's the folding Yeah it's all about folding Forearms like Popeye

Oh yeah But if I lived in the jungle like these tribes Guys right Yeah You're walking around in a loincloth right Your dick and your DNBs are just exposed to the jungle. Yes, yes, it's true. But, I mean, there's a benefit to that in such a hot climate.

It's a way of expelling heat, right? That's why your balls descend when it's hot. It's because it increases your surface area. You're letting off heat. So if you're getting your whole dick inside, you're conserving more heat. Yeah, but think of all the Creepy crawlies and diseases And animals

Right And I can imagine after enough days In a row in the jungle surrounded by spiders And wasps and tarantulas and whatever else Just going like right I'm popping it in Yeah yeah that's true actually It's getting in the way It's going to get nicked by a

panther yeah i'm popping i'm just for pure weirdly these guys are coming across now as more pragmatic to me yeah maybe we're the dummies yeah they're it's like one of those cultural exchanges where i'm sure in the show he said oh in in England, everyone's dicks are just out. And they're like, duh. Yeah. But what happens, what if you get an unexpected boner? Are you like, oh, no. And it just goes.

Like a champagne cork. Yeah, or like a turkey when it's done in the oven little red the moment thing i mean it must be maybe they have like a special bit of etiquette for that eventuality um god yeah i don't know and then yeah how easy it must be pretty easy for them to just live like that like once they've done it but i mean yeah you get used to it you get used to it maybe now that guy bruce parry can freak it out if he goes to like a tailor right and the tailor says uh does sir dress to the left or to the right? And you can be like, neither.

I dress to the inside. I dress internally and the tailor just faints. Let's just say you and I have a different definition for the inside leg. Let's just say at the moment my penis is measured in the negative length. Just popped it in there. Good stuff. Good stuff Well I think we can both agree that Neither one of us want to move to The Papua section of Papua New Guinea

And join the penis inversion tribe So that's one tribe down No I mean between The penis inversion and the Cannibalism I have to say Papua New Guinea has never Really appealed Yeah they did

Are they still doing the cannibalism? I think if anywhere is, they are. I think it's... Reportedly, apparently. Okay. Allegedly. Allegedly don't get sued by Papua New Guinea.

Allegedly. You don't want to get sued by a potential cannibal. By big Papua. Yes, by a big cannibal. A big Papua. Yes, by Big Cannibal. Big Cannibal will get you, and then some. That'll be the next Joe Rogan thing. Eating people

is actually really good for you. Have you tried the cannibal diet? It's the best pure protein. Can we bring that up, Jamie? Jamie, could you bring up the cannibals? It's like, think about it. What's got more muscle than humans? Your body doesn't even have to change anything.

Your body can just take human muscle. It doesn't even have to digest. It can just put it straight into muscle. It's like Lego bricks. Yeah. Oh, my god. We should start some kind of what would we sell as a health supplement?

Probably that weird spam advert for how to fully empty your bowels, right? Something like that. Yeah, I guess to be on brand, it would have to be that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, and congratulations to some of the Patreon subscribers who have just

got their first merchandise, Bud Pods stickers. Yes! What a lovely little treat. Congrats. Yeah, just popping the founding farter up around the house. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. With pride. Seen some Koji stickers

on reusable water bottles.-hmm. With pride. Seen some Koji stickers on reusable water bottles. Very nice. Very good. Love to be associated with eco-friendly water drinking. Oh, yeah. Stay hydrated. That's good for our brand. Yeah.

Keep hydrating it. You can't keep jacking it unless you keep hydrating it Yeah, it's true Hey fellas You know when your lady's getting on your case Hey fellas You know when you're having just one of those days Hey fellas

You know when you're starting to lose your faith Hey fellas You put your penis inside yourself. Ooh, ooh, wah-eh-ooh. Ooh, ooh, wah-eh-ooh. Ooh, ooh, wah-eh-ooh. Invert your penis. Ooh, ooh, wah-eh-ooh.

Ooh, ooh, wah-eh-ooh. Ooh, ooh, wah-eh-ooh. Just get it out of the way. Ooh, ooh, wah-eh-ooh. Aerodynamic. Ooh, ooh, wah-eh, oh Aerodynamic Ooh, ooh, wah, eh, oh You can go down hills real smooth Put your penis inside yourself Ooh, ooh, wah, eh, oh

Ooh, ooh, wah, eh, oh Tidy Ooh, ooh, wah, eh, oh Otherwise it bangs into things, yeah Invert your penis Ooh, invert your penis That is my thesis Don't be silly Listen to Philly Invert your penis. Ooh, invert your penis. That is my thesis.

Don't be silly. Listen to Philly. Put your willy inside you, Billy. Well, do you think Russia's going to invade Ukraine? Ah. I keep going between yes and no, to be honest. If the Kremlin's trying to do some kind of confusion campaign, well, congratulations, Vlad.

It's worked on old Pierre here. It does feel like Ukraine is very much Russia's Taiwan. They're going to gain a lot more from threatening to invade than from actually invading. Yeah. Because, I mean, it's not going to be easy for them. a lot more from threatening to invade than from actually invading. Yeah. Right. Because, I mean, it's not going to be easy for them. Yeah. I mean, well, it's hard to tell, isn't it?

It's hard to tell, like, how much support, how much of actual material support the US and UK will give to Ukraine if that does happen. Well, we've sort of already given it. I mean, Ukraine's got a bunch of stuff that will make life very difficult. It's got the M-Laws and the Stinger missiles and the Javelin

missile launchers and stuff and the Turkish drones. Was it Liz Truss that came up with a sort of funky way of describing the weapons the UK brought over? Was it like violent aid or something like that? We've was it? Like, violent aid or something like that? We sent over a bunch of violent aid

or something like that. It was like lethal aid, I think. Lethal aid, that was it. Lethal aid. Lethal aid. So funny, man. It's a sequel to Lethal Weapon. It's Mel Gibson going crazy in a in a food uh a food hall flipping out in a camp

um yeah lethal aid um yeah i don't know man i mean it i feel bad for ukraine because like they've pointed out that like russia that kind of doesn't need to do anything but just by seeming like it's going to invade they could could just crash the Ukrainian stock market economy, investors leave. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, already the US and UK have said, no need to panic, everyone, but if you're British or American, get out of Ukraine ASAP.

Yeah. It's bad when they remove all the diplomatic staff except the ambassador. Oh, that's a tough job. That's a real... Yeah, that's like Captain of the Titanic. Yeah. But then it's like, no, I'm sure it'll all be fine. But just to be safe, we're going to literally remove people whose only job is to be in Ukraine and know about Ukraine.

Oh, they're removing the ambassadors as well? Not yet. I think, like, they're removing the ambassadors as well? Not yet. I think, like, they're leaving behind a few people, but all the ambassadorial staff, like, loads of diplomatic staff have been removed by UK, US, and Germany. And a few more. As in, like, if you're a secretary

there's no need for you to be kidnapped and tortured or whatever. Like, it's generally a bad sign that they're like leaving the captain on the ship as you say yeah but um it's good to see it's a rough one but it's

good to see that as ever there are plenty of people plenty of people in our own country here in the UK who say that they're progressive but are really basically happy for Russia to invade and take over whoever they want yes

the communist queens yes yeah I can't think of anyone it's mad isn't it well I mean it's better than Ukraine joining the neo-imperialist NATO. Yeah, evil NATO, what with not really doing anything apart from stopping that genocide in the 90s and reassuring some Estonians. Evil, terrible, horrible. hestonians evil terrible horrible yeah it's yeah i mean it's it's kind of like a fantasy for um

for all those uh commies yeah which is weird because it'd be like a it'd be like a win yes marxist win yeah which is weird because i can't think of anyone less interested in sharing wealth than than putin yeah well you saw that drone footage of his literal palace oh man if you if you're listening to this and you haven't seen the the blueprints and photos from like inside his black sea palace check it out because it's real you know what fair play he didn't try not to make it seem like he wasn't a Bond villain. He really lent in. There's rooms with weird national decor.

There's a sort of Arabian Nights room with a stripper pole. It's great. It's the size of a town. It's mad. It's mad, it's mad, it's mad. I'm going to type Putin Black Sea Palace. It's... Yeah, I mean, like... If you're going to do it Black Sea Palace It's Yeah I mean If you're going to do it

You have to do it Go big or go home Go big or go home Yes The cost of the build is estimated to be Over 1.35 billion dollars I mean that's a lot of money Come on

That's building on your own as well That's from scratch That's not with like Appreciation of property value That's from scratch That's DIY It's the final level of a Hitman game

A giant isolated palace where the head villain lives. I mean, bloody hell. Yeah, but the response of the Russian people... I mean, there's some people who like protests and stuff, but overall people were like, well, yeah, we're kind of... You'd hope so. Yeah, I mean,

I don't think any Russians thought that he didn't have a secret palace and they were like what a palace yeah I mean there's nowhere easier to hide a palace in Russia

that's where you want to hide a palace that's where if you're going to be hiding palaces all day this is what you want it's got like a main hall with like murals, like a French aristocrat's house, you know, with the little indented squares with like scenes from nature. Oh, okay. Painted on.

Would you have a palace or would you like... I guess if you... It's one of those things where as long as you have a load of... a fucking fleet of people to maintain it, it is just like nothing but benefits. But if you're... people to maintain it, it is just like nothing but benefits. But if you don't, it must just suck. I would love a smaller National Trust property.

I'd love a National Trust home, but not a massive one. It's the grounds and the old bricks and the history and the gardens but after a certain point it becomes bankrupting yeah yeah because you'd be like earning all your income just to pay for like the guy whose job is to to refit the crumbling brick work also get spooky after a certain point it becomes spooky i want a small mansion that's my dream small mansion would be lovely lockdown in one of those would have been terrifying you just felt like you were going mad in a victorian novel like an isolated oh yeah it felt like you were in the others with nicole kidman yes yes exactly oh yeah god i don't know

i think some of the mansions i've i've, like, on TV or film or online or whatever, that I've been most envious of, it's like sometimes you'll see, like, there's, like, a mansion, but it's in, like, Central Park in New York. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And you sort of think, oh. I'll look like a Hamptons mansion, like, in succession. That'd be cool.

Yeah. Or somewhere where it's, like, oh, I can't believe that you've got, like, a swimming pool and a garden and, like, not too many rooms in a house so it's like a haunted house but also you're just near stuff you're in the city still whereas those guys who have a mansion in like the middle of uh fucking minnesota you know in the middle of the prairie. You just think, well, I guess you have a mansion, but... It's just like nothing between you and the horizon as far as the eye can see. Like desolate flatland. Yeah.

What you want is like a really big, lush townhouse in London somewhere. Gosh, that'd be so great. That's why the oligarchs get them, man. That's why they're so expensive. Because they're so great. Well, do you know why those are so expensive? Why? Because they're so great. That's me.

I just do these random free tours in Kensington and Chelsea. You see that over there? Yeah. It's really expensive. Oh, right. Do you know why it's so expensive? Because it's so great. That's the estate agent talking to someone who's had their opponents killed

in Russia. Here's the thing, Mr. You know, whatever. I'm even too afraid to guess A random Russian name In case it's a real mobster's name Yeah I'll just say

Sir, here's the thing, sir This central London townhouse Is 10.5 Million pounds And do you know why it costs that much? No, why? Because it's great. It's great! And then as I say that, as I say it's great,

I do a little pirouette in the marble hallway. Because it's great! I spin round. Spin round. Speaking of Russian mobs, last night, on my own, for a treat, I watched John Wick for the first time. Oh, yes.

With Keanu Reeves. It was great. It's so good. What an action film. Such a good action film. It's so nice to see an action film. I mean, there's nothing there that's new story-wise. There's nothing that's going to push the envelope or blow your mind.

But it's just such a good action film. I mean, the stunt work and the gunfire and the fighting, it's just... Gunplay, which always sounds like you're having a wank with a pistol, but the gunplay, the martial arts,

and one thing, what I always do now is I watch a movie and then I go and watch the mark commode review of the movie to check whether or not i actually liked it to see if you're right you see if i was right and it wasn't mark as the scottish guy who sometimes does them he's very good as well um and he's going on about it and he pointed out and i didn't notice that that with a lot of action films like the born identity or something when there's a big action scene the camera's really close

and like and like swinging about and you can only kind of just see what's going on a lot of cuts and there aren't any many sort of long takes

but in John Wick it's like the camera just stays still for a bit or like moves slowly down the hallway and it's all one take

like a pa pa ta pa pa pa pa pa pa and it's really good it's like Raid it's just good it made me think of the Raid it totally really good it's like Raid it made me think of the Raid it totally made me think of the Raid any pod buds who haven't seen the Raid if you like an action movie

if you like martial arts the Raid is amazing it's Indonesian by a Welsh director who lived out there yeah the Raid it's Silat is the name of the martial art which is of the Indonesian Malay martial art. Oh, cool.

Yeah, which is like a lot of daggers and stuff as a part of it. And it's brutal. It's so brutal, the martial arts in it. It was really good. Well, that's the thing is that with Keanu Reeves and whoever else is in John Wick doing the martial arts, they obviously had confidence where they were like, well, these are some fucking amazing martial arts,

so we're just going to let you see them. Yeah. Yeah, it's good stuff. If you have watched John Wick, then why not treat yourself, pod buds, and just watch footage on YouTube of Keanu Reeves training with guns on Firing Rangers and just being really good at guns

and being really calm and humble about how good he is at guns. He's a very calm guy. He's very calm. He's a calming screen presence. He's a calming... Yeah. Even when he's, like, killing people, you're kind of like, he's really zen.

You're like... Yeah. He's like the Marie Kondo of killing. He's just calmly folding up bad guys Popping them in the bin Well he's half Japanese So I'm not surprised Is he half Japanese?

Maybe a quarter Maybe Will Google let me Google Keanu Reeves race Keanu Reeves is Canadian No Another one And he was born in Beirut Japanese is Canadian. Keanu Reeves is Canadian! No. Really? No. Another one!

And he was born in Beirut? Keanu Reeves. Stop surprising me. No. Born in Lebanon to an English mother and an American father. Okay, his father was mixed Chinese. His father was mixed Chinese, Hawaiian, English, Irish, and Portuguese.

He's a quarter Japanese, a quarter Chinese, a quarter native Hawaiian and a mere quarter white, Pierre. Good lord. Wow, wow, wow. That's so cool. He's half East Asian. He doesn't look it. But then I don't know what native Hawaiian looks like.

It looks like Polynesian, I guess, or Austronesian. Yeah, goddamn. What a cool mixture from a cool guy. Yeah, that's great. Nice one. Born in Beirut. Although that is from Quora.com. I don't know how reliable Quora is. It's on the wiki.

Oh, okay, nice. It's on the wiki. Oh, okay. Nice. It's on the wiki. I wonder... Yeah. God. But I mean, like, imagine how easy it was to cast them in John Wick. They were like, who do we know who already knows martial arts and every gun? Probably that triple matrix guy.

Who literally says in the movie, I know Kung Fu. Yeah, that was his audition. He sent them that bit and they were like, you heard it from the man himself, gentlemen. Straight out of a horse's mouth. We've got our John Wick. Shall we do some Kung Fu respondents?

Yes, Kung Fu Respondents. Letters, emails, phone calls, tweets, your sister, your best friend, to who you want to send letters. Correspondence. Scrolling down to Correspondence Town. Having a little scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. Word keeps scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. Come on. Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling What? Keep scrolling, scrolling, scrolling Come on! Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling I like it

Hey fellas! It's scrolling right here There was a moment when I thought Rolling by Limp Bizkit, wasn't it? Yeah Yeah, Rolling by Limp Bizkit Was the greatest song in the world

Because it was the greatest song in the world because there's the undertaker song oh yeah it had a driving rock rhythm to it and it was just about a bunch of guys rolling around keep rolling rolling rolling and roll and roll they did phil it was when undertaker um had the transformation from uh the natural evolution of the gravedigger from gravedigger to motorbike man and he he would enter the ring by driving his harley down the ramp hence rolling oh yeah oh yeah his finishing move went from the tombstone To the I would say more boring last ride Which was just a power bomb

With a little more elevation Yeah good memory It was boring Thank you But then he went back to the original Undertaker and the tombstone came back And I was glad of it because the tombstone is just, it's a lovely finishing move.

Yes, yeah, well I mean that's the sort of thing you want for the old video game version too. Tombstone, Piledriver, yeah lovely stuff. So Matt, another Matt gets a touch. Matt, Matt Matt a touch? Matt. Matt. Oh, God. He's

back. It's Matt. Unless it's a different Matt. Oh, he's back. All right. He says, Dear Dom Pierre and mental illness. Lovely. But thematically inconsistent. Champagne and just mental illness. Yeah, I was really expecting something to do with wine and he just champagne and just mental illness yeah i was really expecting something to do with wine and he just went straight for mental illness maybe you've had

so much champagne you've gone mad maybe that's the story yeah yeah like winston churchill or something real pain for my sham friends and champagne for my mental illness that's good tat that's good tat um so he says dear don pierre and yana mental illness. That's a good tat. That's a good tat. So he says, Dear Don Pierignano, mental illness, Matt the Splat here. Oh, Matt the Splat. Sorry, I should recognize the voice.

Of Dubberia slash Fart into a Fan and Orangutan voyeurism fame. These are ringing faint bells, yes. Yeah, the orangutan was watching him through the little window. This is ringing a splat, yeah. Yeah. Hope you're both well. I was recently harking back to my university days and was reminded of a particular

evening that might be of interest. I was in fresh as week and all was going swimmingly. I had made some new friends, spent a whole month's budget on alcohol and had gained half a stone from indulging daily in the five types of potato that the cafeteria inexplicably served with every meal.

Wow. Wow, that is a lot of attention given to the potato. Yeah, man. Certain cafeteria-style establishments lean in to potato varieties. Then came the three-legged bar crawl.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're tied to a fella. Yep. On the morning of this staple coming-of-age ceremony, I was feeling utterly dreadful, having spent the previous evening drinking cider that had originated from a mysterious jerry can. Ooh. Blimey.

That's very sinister. Hmm. Was he sure it wasn't just petrol? Yeah, it could have been. Oil cider. As per tradition, I waited until I could face food again and then ordered myself a massive, excessively meaty

Domino's pizza. Lovely. Although ruinous a Domino's pizza. Lovely. Although ruinous, a Domino's pizza. Those things are like £30 for no reason. Those things will put you into debt. Yeah. Domino debt. Very strange. Strangely expensive. Just as the delicious doughy disc from

the gods summoned themselves started to make me feel human again, I was summoned to the bar to begin the three-legged crawl. I found myself tied at the knee to my new friend, Ben. Ah, nice. An affable fellow. Ben.

Bens at university are always nice. Yeah, they are, actually. I don't think I've ever met a bad Ben. I don't think I've ever met a bad Ben. That's a good point. Bens are always nice. ever met a bad Ben. That's a good point. Bens are always nice. Is there a bad Ben? Ben Laden?

No, I don't know. Osama Ben Laden. Osama Ben Laden? Osama Ben Laden? Benito Mussolini, I guess guess is the worst Ben I know Not personally Yeah It's a good theory

I found myself tired of the need To my new friend Ben An affable fellow who was up for a laugh And seemingly largely unfazed by anything Sadly Ben was soon to become very phased indeed Oh no All began well A pint at our college bar Fantastic Ben. Sadly, Phil, Ben was soon to become very phased indeed. Oh, no.

All began well. A pint at our college bar, followed by a merry three-legged stroll down the hill to the next bar, and on to the next, and so on. Sounds good. As we left the fifth bar, I started to realize the pizza I had eaten earlier, the very same that had raised me from the dead like a savory son of God raising a lardy Lazarus,

was soon to be my dinner. Ah, God raising a lardy Lazarus was soon to be my death lovely stuff the combination of multiple beers and an entire large dominoes had led to an uncomfortably bloated stomach and I knew that the inevitable was coming standing outside the bar as the rest of the slightly

inebriated leg joint pairings ambled out I turned to Ben and said I really shouldn't have had an entire large Domino's before this. Ben looked at me and paused with mild panic in his eyes. Are you alright? He asked. Um, I

think I'm going to be sick, I replied, feeling the beer-soaked stodge of the pizza slowly working its way up my windpipe. Yeah, yeah. It's gonna go that way. Yeah. At this, Ben turned white as a sheet. Are you joking? He asked, voice wobbling.

I sadly shook... Are you joking? He asked, voice wobbling. I sadly shook my head, knowing full well what was about to happen. Because seriously, mate, I really cannot stand the sight or smell of... At which point I bent over, opened my mouth, and what can only be described

as a tsunami of half-digested dough, meat, and beer erupted from my mouth onto the paving stones, splattering both my shoes and trousers and indeed Ben's. Oh, poor Ben. Once the tsunami had subsided, I righted myself again, just in time to hear Ben say,

Oh, fuck! before he then bent over. And vomited powerfully all over himself and me. Oh, fuck! This then helped to upset whatever was left in my stomach, and down I went again. Hilarious. That's a real double act.

What a great... Yeah. It's smashing on the vaudeville circuit. Absolutely. A standing ovation. Well, funny you should say that. So he says, The crowd of other freshers, having previously cheered my performance,

now started to just watch with dismay as Ben and I alternated between being vomiting on the ground, uprighting ourselves, and then bending over to vomit again, like a sinister perpetual motion machine. Like a fun little... They're the opposite of those office bird things,

like toys that dip and drink water. They're pouring it out. Yeah. Eventually, all that could conceivably come up had done so. The mild concern of the crowd watching us soon subsided and we wandered off to the next pub. It's amazing how quickly you brush stuff off at that age.

Oh, you just go, well, there's no reason to go home. If anything, I've just freed up space Yeah but not before grabbing some branches Off a nearby bush and scraping as much Vomit as we could into a drain Well I guess that's kind of Considerate Now with empty tanks and renewed vigor Ben and I continued our journey heartily

With the travails of the fifth bar behind us. Unfortunately, our evening didn't end there. Much, much later, having surpassed the beer stage of the evening and moved on to shots instead, the unfortunate situation of Ben needing the loo arose. Yes, I'm surprised this hasn't come up already.

Yeah. While we had managed to tackle the urinals with a bit of a giggle and without much difficulty, this was an altogether more intimate situation. Yes. Yes. Once untied from your partner, the rules of the evening were that you were required to do a forfeit of something horrible. From memory, cat food was involved. Oh, God.

Jesus Christ. This is serious. No thanks. I never took part in any of this kind of thing. I never took part. And I'm glad. Yeah, I mean, I sort of did a version of this where there was just more booze involved and everyone was quite reasonable. Certainly no cat food.

Yeah, I don't... No, I'm not interested. No. So having already been covered in each other's vomit, we decided that proximity to Pooh probably wouldn't matter too much. Yeah. You're in for a penny. Yeah. We decided that while Ben was doing his business,

I would be in the cubicle with him, but looking the other way. Yeah. I like that because it implies that it's a bit like if doing a shit was illegal. I'll look the other way just this once. Don't let it happen again. I'll look the other way just this once. Don't let it happen again. I'll turn the other cheek, yeah. While we entered the cubicle successfully and began the process without too much trouble,

what I hadn't counted on was the sheer ferocity of Ben's discharge. Man. Nor indeed the smell. I mean, that would have been my first concern, would be the smell. That's what comes to mind instantly. Yeah. So powerful was it that my stomach, already upset by its previous treatment,

decided to bring up all of the various beers and shots I'd imbibed since my... No! Since my rainbow-coloured yawn a few hours earlier. Oh, jeez, no. Is it gonna Yeah. Uh oh, I said quietly. Uh oh. Like a character about to

get into a fight in an anime. Uh oh. A single sweat drop on his forehead. And he goes into like that sort of suspended space with all the lines and the light. Yeah. Or his face goes into total shadow as he's, like, looking down and away.

Uh-oh. And there's that really long internal monologue. Yeah. Ben is doing a poo, but the smell, it is too much. It is making me want to vomit but I already vomited early today. I thought I would have avoided this by emptying my tank earlier but I was foolish and drank

more, refilling my tank. Now I have enough material to vomit again. They just go over the same details again and again. Now I will vomit and it will be embarrassing for both of us but what if I vomit and that grosses out Ben? Then maybe he will vomit some more. Then it will be embarrassing for both of us But what if I vomit and that grosses out Ben Then maybe he will vomit some more Then he will be pooing and vomiting

Oh no I don't know what to do They can't afford it That's like half of an anime Yeah and the mouth moves like a tiny amount Open and shut but the audio is like Ah! Ah! Uh oh I said quietly Before turning to a squatting terrified Ben and shoving him off the cistern

and vomiting powerfully onto his shit no something I think we've referred to previously on the podcast as the serpent turf Surf and turf. I'd forgotten that. That's awful. And perfect.

When something like that comes up, referring to that as a surf and turf, it's so disgusting and perfect. I feel like when a profiler looks at one of hannibal lecter's crimes like my god it's perfect and the worst thing i've ever seen yeah i'm so glad another servant turf has come up on the pod yep yep uh this so he's he's he's thrown ben off the pot and never has a man so eagerly wanted to stick his face into another man's bowl of shit yeah fog it's just such a funny motion to pick a man off a toilet so you can really get in close. Throwing a shitting man off a toilet

so you can shove your head in. The least natural motion to do ever. The number of natural instincts Matt had to overcome in that moment yeah yeah yeah this is on the same level as when the guy had to use a penknife to chop his own arm off in 127

hours so he throws Matt off the bowl and starts throwing up He says this so disgusted Ben Now wedged between the cistern and the wall And with his trousers around his ankles That he uprighted himself as best he could

And also vomited into the bowl Oh my god Jesus Christ I think by volume This has to be The most of any correspondence Just by volume of effluent Yeah I think by volume, this has to be the most of any correspondence. Just by volume of effluent. Yeah, I think so.

This is the top. Yeah. Ben stood up and an eerie... Huh? In 151 episodes, this is the most by volume. I think so. Most by volume in one incident. guy who had like 24 days of diarrhea and he was going to die from the old lady in the woods throwing a finger across his throat

that's true wait was that him too no no kind of been the orangutan one was different i think anyway ben stood up and an eerie silence befell us as we both looked at the group project we had just presented. Art attack. This is an art attack. We have all turned... This is a nice philosophical sort of bit here from Matt, which I quite like. We have all turned with shy curiosity

to examine the decimation we have left after a particularly bad movement. The combined sense of both shame and pride is a rare treat in an uncaring world. Like that bit from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. So shines a rare treat in an uncaring world.

But staring into a toilet bowl of one person's liquid shit and two people's vomit isn't a moment for pride. We looked at each other, saying nothing, but knowing that this would be a memory we would share forever, together, unspoken, yet ever-present. And then I turned away to let Ben wipe. Hugs and kisses

and Koji too. Matt the Splat and yet more poo. Well, Matt has lived up to the name Splat once more. Once more. Once again. That is an extraordinary story. It's extraordinary.

And it's where we're going to have to end. It is. It is. But what an ending. Gosh. What a great story. Thank you so much for that, Matt. That was...

Profound. I love the story of a surf and turf. And that was the king of the surf and turfs. Yes. Hemingway-esque. Well done. Yeah. Brilliant stuff. I love the story of a surf and turf And that was the king of the surf and turfs Yes Hemingway-esque, well done Yeah, brilliant stuff But we are off to the bonus pod now Yep

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