BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 152 - Gardenia bread... on its own!

Episode Date: February 23, 2022

Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie discuss storms, wind, space poo of Bezos, organ knowledge of the ancients, Gardenia bread... on its own! Weird bathrooms.Correspondence from Paul in Rio and Mariel in AmericaSketch is Austro-Hungarian court Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 152. 152! Plum, skive, through. It's when a plum won't go to plum school. Yeah. And skives through or throughout it. Through the plum lessons. Yeah. Skives throughout. There's the plum lessons. Yeah.

Skives throughout. There's a plum. There's a cool plum who's skipping on plum school, smoking plum cigarettes by a tree. A plum cigarette sounds delicious. That sounds lovely, actually. Tobacco smoked plums. I mean, there's definitely a vape flavor of plum. So I guess that's what it would be like.

That would be a very, like, the guy a guy who vapes but has like a kind of uh a trilby yeah he doesn't smoke cotton candy vape or like apricot what plum plum yes fig figs what would be a vape flavor that made you think you're a wrong one that's still like a flavor of something that you would eat as opposed to like armpits or like oh i see not like burnt hair obviously but i think if someone's if someone had like like scotch flavored i'd be like you're a piece of shit what about like um that smoky bacon like smoke flavor like you put on meat if you smell that you'd be like that guy's smoking a sausage yeah that'll be bad oh licorice gives me the heebie-jeebies last night i took a i don't know why i do it always from time to time someone will have a vape a friend will have a vape i'll

be like yeah can i have a bit can i have some nicotine yeah pure nicotine can i just some pure nicotine vapor yeah and i had a bit and it was mint flavour And it was Mintier than mouthwash It was too minty It was so unpleasant It made your whole cold body Yeah cold mouth

So it wasn't just like a taste It was more even than chewing gum Yeah you know in those adverts for like Breath mints where they go And there's like ice everywhere and you're on top of a mountain and you think is that good isn't this a cold country i thought people wanted the opposite they want the weather to be in their mouth and the temperature of their mouth to be outside yeah they want outside to be hot and then

inside the mouth to be cold snow in my mouth and as hot as blood in the air. That's why people here love crisp lagers and extra cold Guinness. Yes. But then hate the winter. Yeah. The cold should be in the mouth. The cold is in my mouth. The warm is...

And mouth temperature should be outside. I should live in a big mouth. I want to live in a mouth. I want to live in a mouth. And I want to... I want the outside a big mouth. I want to live in a mouth. I want to live in a mouth. And I want the outside to be in. My mouth. In my mouth. Inside out.

People want to be inside out. Yeah, we all want to be inside out. The grass is greener on the other side. The weather is nicer on the outside of... On the inside of your mouth. The weather's always nicer on the inside of your mouth. The weather's always nicer on the inside of your mouth. The weather's always nicer on the inside of your mouth. As the old adage goes.

Yeah, it's the kind of thing people say and you don't even need to finish the sentence. People know that you mean on the inside of your mouth. Well, the weather's always nicer on the inside. I know, I know. That sounds like quite a good self-help. What's the weather like inside? Yeah, we all know it's raining todayhelp. What's the weather like inside? Yeah, we all know it's raining today, but what's the weather like inside your mouth?

Yeah, it's a beautiful summer's morning, but what... But is it spring in your belly? What's the weatherman saying about your spleen? Yeah. Of course, in the olden days, they thought that your mind or who you were, your soul, it was all in your heart, in your chest. Yes. They didn't really know what the brain did.

And if it makes sense, because you never feel stuff in your brain, you can get headaches. Yeah, you can get headaches. But all the other emotional stuff is in your belly. But when you think about things, do you not feel the thoughts in your head? I feel the thoughts in my head. But we've been told. I know it's hard, isn't it? Yeah.

We need to find someone out there who hasn't been told to think with their head. The thing is, I wonder, is it because my eyes are here that my mental images are in the same place? Because that's where images are from. Eyes. And so the images I imagine must also be in that area. I'm rubbing my temples right now. It feels like a more direct link. Yeah.

But then if you'd been told that your eyes told your heart things, would you imagine a little pipe of feelings coming from your eyes to your heart? I saw something scary. My eyes told my heart to go yeah and also when you like hear something awful you do instinctively go not to your chest yeah and we um in in malay what what the word for heart in in the colloquial sense as in my broken my heart or heartache or that is hati. But Hati actually means liver. Oh, cool.

So it seems that in Malay it's the liver. I use my liver to think with and do this. Yeah. Well, I guess if you're like in the olden days and you're either a kind of early doctor or just like someone who's seen lots of dead bodies and you've dissected animals, right, because you're a farmer or whatever,

you know what organs are out there. Yeah. go oh this you know cow has a liver i have a liver whatever you don't know what they do but you know what the stomach does so you go okay the stomach seems to be where food goes yeah and then shit comes up my ass it's all lining up there's all the tubes for it but there's a bunch of other stuff here lungs that's fine breathing okay but yeah stuff like the liver and the pancreas and stuff kidneys even you'd be like what's what are you up to isn't it weird i've always thought it's so isn't it weird that we walk around and we don't know what's in us i don't know what's in me it's me it's me i grew up i made it and i don't know what it is i don't know where the bits are i don't know what's in me. It's me. It's me. I made it. And I don't know what it is. I don't know where the bits are. I don't know what they do.

Yep. It's mad. And the same with the brain. For thousands of years, people were like, well, of course, the hardest and most heavily defended part of us is our skulls, which are filled with an irrelevant porridge. We know that if someone stabs the porridge,

we die. But not always, but a lot. In ancient Greece, there's a theory that the eyes projected light which bounced off the object back into the eyes. Yeah. Which really didn't answer the question, what happens when it's dark then?

Yeah, exactly. And they were the smartest, the Greeks. They were the best at this, and even they. They the smartest, the Greeks. They were the best at this, and even they. They figured out atoms. Yeah, yeah. They had atomic theory, like, 4,000 years ago. And even they, when it came to eyes, were like, yeah, I don't know. Yeah, iona, ionic. That's where it's from.

Yeah? Yeah. Of course. Yeah. Of course! Yeah, but I've always thought it's so peculiar to be something and not know what... I guess it's a crazy thing to say that

all organisms should be born with an inherent understanding of what's inside them. I guess that's ridiculous. But also, it's ridiculous that... It's because humans are in between, in a sense, where we have intellectual self-awareness., in a sense, where we have, like, we have, like, intellectual self-awareness. As in, like, I know I'm alive.

Yeah. Don't get in touch, philosophers. Like, oh, I'm alive, and that's my hand, and one day I'll be dead. Yeah. And I'm me, and you're you. And that's a level of the self-knowledge that, like, animals don't have. They don't know that they're mortal.

Yep. They can't plan ahead or, you know, all these conceptual things that we can do. But we don't have that don't know that they're mortal yep they can't plan ahead or you know all these conceptual things that we can do but we don't have that with our own forms yes we don't know specifically what's going wrong when we're ill yes so it's a weird like halfway house where it's like i can use pattern prediction to figure out when an eclipse will happen again and use that to plan, you know. But we can't immediately go, oh, that's diabetes. Yeah. And I feel like animals have a bit more of that.

Because I feel like, you know, when you watch a David Attenborough thing, and the Madagascan spider, upon losing a leg, will huddle into a ball for three weeks to allow the leg to regrow. I feel like animals are like, oh, fuck, I lost a leg. That takes about three weeks. I just need to huddle up. Just make this exterior shell casing and then, like, heal. Yeah.

And I don't feel like we don't have that. The only thing we instinctually know to do is eat, fuck and sleep. And pooping. That's part of eating. Even that can take you by surprise sometimes. Oh God, what's going on? I guess like, do you think that it's because the way that we've designed the modern world is so contrary to our instincts in the sense that like we did used to have that where it's

like, I need to go to sleep now because I've lost some blood. And that you have lots of instincts where like it's a lie down right right right right yeah but if you're like an accountant and you're like god this is boring i should lie down and sleep until the boring thing stops happening to me it's like well you're fired yeah you know or like uh i'm afraid i should avoid that thing that makes me afraid it's like no that's your presentation you have to do at work yeah or like it's super hot outside time to put on layers of clothing yeah because social society insists that i do time to be not nude and on a kind of underground train being fired through the earth with a bunch of other people who also aren't nude and they're all too hot everyone else boiling yeah yeah so we've kind of we're we're confused monkeys Do you think the first humans knew

Straight away the link between eating and pooping? I've always wondered this Jerkin I wonder When animals poop Do they know that that's from the food they ate? I don't know I think some animals don't seem to

Or at least they certainly seem to think it's food again From what I've seen Yeah, I don't know I mean at some level we understand that it's not to be trifled with yes humans because it smells so bad it smells bad and it's a gross um consistency yeah and it will make you sick do you think that i mean surely i guess it didn't take too long before people saw unadjustible things in their poop that they remember eating. Yeah, and they were like, wait a minute. Ah, put two and two together.

Put poo and poo together. Put poo and poo together. Ah, that's when I put poo and poo together. I know that there's like an old remedy. If you get an arrow wound to the stomach. I think this was a Norse thing, a Viking era thing. I'm genuinely remembering it from horrible histories. So I'm not sure what era of

Norse history. Which horrible era it was. Which era of horribleness was this one? Which horrible year was this? Was it the nasty Norse's or the ridiculous Romans? The gruesome Greeks. Was this the gruesome period or the nasty era?

Yeah. So it was like if you had an arrow wound in your belly, they'd feed you a sort of garlic porridge. Oh. And then they'd smell the wound. Right. And if you can smell garlic through the wound, that means that the stuff that should be being digested

Is coming out and you're probably going to die Oh that's good So definitely by then they'd figured it out Definitely by then Well the Romans were definitely They did a lot of Post mortems on people Just to see where all the bits were

Yeah they seemed to And they certainly had group toilets. Sorry? The Romans had those group toilets. They were all sat in like a U shape. Oh, like a big long drop. But they're all in the same room. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're all sat around chatting, which always seemed mental to me. Chatting and pooping. Chatting and pooping. Really, we are, in a way, Chatting and pooping. Chatting and pooping. Really, we are, in a way,

we are bringing back to life an ancient Roman tradition here of chatting and pooping. I mean, we're not literally pooping, but we may as well be. That's what the reviews say. These guys may as well be shitting the whole time. These guys may as well be taking a shit in my ears. Thank you. The Guardian. The Guardian. Nigella Lawson.

Another celebrity endorsement. Yeah, I wonder when... Yeah, is that an instinctive? Surely. I mean, what... What is? Knowing the connection. Offering and pooping. Yeah. It makes the most sense. I mean... Because there's a point where if you don't think that, what is? Knowing the connection. Offering and pooping.

Yeah. It makes the most sense. Because there's a point where if you don't think that, what the fuck do you think is happening? Yes. It's mass conservation. I think we must have an instinct for the conservation of mass. If something goes in, the same amount must go out.

Yeah, in some form. Or at the very least, you have to notice that, like, well, something's come out of me. And the only thing I've been putting into me is food. Yeah. So I hope it's food or used to be. Because if it's not, I'm going to die. That's true.

That's one of my armchair theories as to why toilet stuff is funny or like a thing that makes people tense sometimes. Because it's like a kind of – this is as close to being like a Freudian makes people tense sometimes because it's like a kind of, this is as close to being like a Freudian weirdo, I get. It's like a kind of trauma. Right. Things having to be like fired out of you. It's like, it's quite traumatic, right? So you think poo jokes are really a gallows humor?

Well, you're laughing because it's insane that your body regularly has things come out of it and you don't die. Right, yeah. Because there's some element of you that understands that really you should this should not be good this should be this but really bad sign in every other context it's a terrible sign yeah it's like great dave chapelle but where he talks about how how serious diarrhea used to be and you go oh no i'm dying oh i don't have no. Yeah. Well, and as we've learned from our correspondents, still is in the... Oh, in some parts of the world.

The developing world. Yeah, of course, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I guess... Yeah. I guess the whole thing about pooping is that it's... We've built all these pretenses around modern life, but we still can't get away from this one humiliating thing.

Yeah, you cannot flee the fact that it's going to happen to you for all our bow ties and our tesla cars and our novels and our plays yeah from time to time we still have to squeeze a bit of stinky brown sludge out of our butts and we can't help it yeah the richest man in the world still has to do it yeah and your body makes you do it jeff bezos has to take a shit and i bet he's hate i bet there's a secret project he's working on yeah that means he doesn't have to do it anymore because he thinks it's not it's too undignified what would he what would he call it amazon amazon slime Yeah Amazon slime He's got all these implants and things

How would you try and avoid it? Teleport it just directly out of you? Yeah, yeah Yeah, he's going to build a little Gateway or like wormhole Yeah, into space At the bottom of his stomach That's why he went to space To check on his poops To make sure the wormhole at the bottom of his stomach. That's why he went to space.

To check on his poops. To make sure the wormhole was working. Or to set it up. He just left the toilet hanging there. Floating around. It's dressed like a satellite, but it's a toilet. And if you go into the satellite, there's just a single room with the toilet all

the buttons and lights are fake it's the only real thing there's this one pristine white toilet and above it is this hovering um portal like from the game portal yeah what is that and you get close and just you see like a poop fall through. You leap backwards. Yeah. Then as you leap backwards, you stumble backwards and you back into like an old caretaker astronaut guy. He's got like a space suit on, but he's an old man. And he's got a beard on the front of his space helmet.

Yeah. I see you've stumbled across the truth. God knows how you got up there you docked with these horses intergalactic loo maybe you like yeah you got a ticket on um the one of the virgin commercial space flights maybe right and this is getting quite close to a um a conversation slash project that that glenn and I might do at some point to do with going to the toilet. Glenn Moore. Yeah, comedian Glenn Moore. We'll see.

But what if you, just while you're asleep, you're anesthetized, they just come and take the poo out of you? You never experience it happening. Boop. Scalpel. Yeah.

Boop. Like a cesarean. Boop. Scalpel. Yeah. Boop. Boop. Like a cesarean. Every night.

Every night. They basically put a zipper in you. And that's why all those billionaires have got those, they get young people's blood put into them and all that, like plasma. Oh, yeah. It's to replenish them after the surgeries they have. So they've never.

All the poop extracts. Yeah. And they, they have all these like mad, they always have these mad theories like great figures throughout history were all constipated. And that's what allowed them the dignity. A poopendectomy. A poopendectomy.

Because they have poopendocytosis. You get a poopendectomy every night. Just to save their egos. Oh, man. Oh, man. I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do it. I think the old ways are still the best ways.

We're traditionalists. Yeah. Look. All us hipsters. Dinner on the table. Yeah. Look. All us hipsters. Dinner on the table. As a family. Shit out your asshole. I'm a traditionalist.

Traditional values. Hard work. Honesty. Imagine the guess at a point. Shitting through your ass. Imagine when it gets to a point where right-wing political parties, conservative parties are like,

we believe in the traditional family and pooping out of your assholes. Like my father and his father before him did, and everyone was like, and left-wing people were like, ugh. Grow up. Grow up, these dinosaurs.

Just shit through a portal into space and catch up with the 23rd century, please. It's not, we don't have to live like that anymore. Modernize. Yeah, We don't have to live like that anymore. Modernize. Yeah, why don't you just beat animals over the head with rocks if you're gonna shit out of your asshole, not into a portal? Caveman.

And there's like a kind of Rush Limbaugh like... Who's the conspiracy guy? David Icke. No, the American one, the loud red one. Alex Jones. They're trying to get us not to shit out of our assholes these liberals they want you to poop into space i mean that's not that crazy compared to the stuff that guy actually said i mean that's less

crazy than things you said there's less crazy they're turning the stuff that Guy actually says. I mean, that's less crazy than things he says. There's less crazy. They're turning the frogs gay. That's the best. Yeah. They're turning the freaking frogs gay. Yeah, I wouldn't do it. I'm a traditionalist. This is a traditional poop through the bum podcast.

And to be fair, actually, you know what? That's not true because we're very good on the colostomy bags. We've had people with colostomy bags stoma yeah yeah go right in yeah yeah i mean that that is the closest i suppose to a poop endectomy that's true yes that's true have you heard of oh yeah there are also poo implants you can get a poop plant that's true for you for the good gut bacteria yeah that's right that's right yeah you can get someone else's good poop put inside you man that's the good shit that's a good that's that's that'll be what i call my company my the good shit my yeah my poop implant yeah you wake up from surgery and that's

the first thing you say and all the surgeons queue up to high five you yeah boop boop he's coming up Boop That's a good shit So what He says something What are you saying That's the good shit Oh And they ring a They ring a big bell

Ding a ding a ding a ding a ding All the surgeons run He's Someone finally said it And then he's like You're barely awake And they're like Holding up your floppy hand

Like High five it Other surgeons leave mid-surgery They're nearly awake and they're holding up your floppy hand. High five it. Other surgeons leave mid-surgery, run down the corridor like kids. The people they're operating on just sit up smiling. Yeah, I don't mind. That gut biome stuff is crazy, though. I remember when it started being mentioned in the press. It was when they were doing fecal transplants.

Because if you have chemo, I think, it kills all your gut bacteria. And you need to restart it. So you need a little thing, a little Kickstarter there. A little donation. And that's a fecal transplant scenario. Good band. Fecal transplant scenario. Yeah.

And this woman got one from her mom, I think it was. Or maybe the mom got it from her daughter. The mom got it from her daughter. And the mom had always been like normal, like body type. And the daughter was like very, very overweight, like morbidly obese, whatever. And bearing in mind this person's being treated for cancer it was like within a few months the woman put on the mom who received the transplant put on like three four stone receiving the oh she's got the poop transplant

from her daughter yeah oh and something about it and there's all these links between like what your bacteria in your gut are used to digesting and what your signals you get to eat more of. Oh, gosh. Yeah, it's crazy. They're only just sort of figuring out all that stuff. Like the guy who figured out that stomach ulcers were bacterial and not stress-based. Right. He was an Australian, I think,

and he found the bacteria he thought it was, and he just drank it. And he got one. He got it. It was covered, and his stomach was full of ulcers, and he was like Ha ha Ha Yes I think he won The Nobel Prize

I guess it's worth it That's worth it If you know you'll survive Question mark I mean he warned people He was going to do it That's the key Isaac Newton

Gave himself Some eye infection Because he wanted to He was made He took He wanted to see If he could see In his own bum hole

He wanted to see There must be A better way to poop He wanted to see if he could see in his own bum hole. He wanted to see... There must be a better way to poop. He wanted to see if he could refract light just in his eyeballs. He's got like a toothpick. He's like... Put it into his eye and squeeze it into different shapes. And he's got a horrible eye infection. Jesus, man.

Surprisingly. Isaac. That guy was nuts, man. By the sounds of it, he's a bad dude as well. He got someone hung, drawn, and quartered. Like, he was... Did he? Yeah. He was... bad dude as well. He got someone hung, drawn and quartered. Did he? Yeah.

Using only light. Yeah, he was quite a nasty guy. He wouldn't be as nice seeming if that was how he thought of gravity. Like hanging a guy. Oh, yeah. He's like, why does this work? Yeah, yeah. What's pulling him?

What's pulling him? What's pulling him? What's pulling him? What's pulling him? What's pulling him? What's killing him? Apple my ass. Well, good evening. The Archduke of Austria-Hungary, as I live and breathe. How is your father, the Emperor?

May God save him, of course. Of course, of course. Count Wiesenberg, so good to see you. He's good. He's built a little papier-mâché fort. Ah, I've heard of this fort. I hear it is only perhaps a few meters in length, either side, a perfect square. Yes, yes.

We're surprised he fits in it, to be honest. Never mind his horse, but he's having fun, so that's the main thing. Wonderful. Well, who said the aristocracy was out of touch? Shall we start the First World War? Yes, I think we'd better. Speaking of

the laws of nature, how did you fare with the storms? For anyone outside the UK, we've had not one, not two, but three storms. And there might be a fourth. Well, this is... I have a number of interesting storm facts. Okay, yes please.

The naming convention of storms goes through the alphabet. Do you know this letter by letter? So we had... What was it? Digby? What was it digby was it uh oh yeah like del boy or something del boy then del boy was it eleanor eleanor oh he's unis unis yeah i can't remember the d unis and then franklin yeah and then the next one will be

um g and alternates gender so the first one was derrick whatever, then Eunice, and Frank and boys. This next one will be a lady's name. Gloria or something. Yes. Gloria. I know that statistically more people die in lady storms. Yes, I know this, because they're taken less seriously. That's the theory, yeah. Right, yeah.

That's the theory I've heard. And they go, this storm's got breasts. I'm not running away from Janet. I'd never flee A lady Ladies first Like a guy just on the street Swinging his arm down the road And just immediately gets blown away

Just a tornado Seeing a tornado coming to you in the distance And doing the wolf thing Where you hit yourself with a big hammer and your eyes bulge out. Like when you see a sexy lady in a cartoon. When you find out it's a lady tornado. Big tongue rolls out. The other thing is, and I'm quite certain about this, it's that storms will always come in twos.

Oh, yeah? Because, so if you look at the map, a storm is like a big spinny circular thing, right? Yes. It's an eddy, basically, in the air. Good name for a storm. Eddy in the air. Yeah, it is, yeah. And studying fluid mechanics, you have to conserve, I guess, of angular momentum.

So if you have a still plate of water in front of you, and you dip your finger in and you pull it, there'll be two vortexes either side. Yes, yeah. But they are going at the same speed and in opposite directions. If you add them together, they will cancel each other out and get you back to where you were before you did your finger. Oh, okay.

Because you have to conserve the momentum. So the same thing happens with storms. So if the one storm is going one way, there has to be another storm somewhere else going the other way. Going the other way. And that's why this next thing seems to be up north, maybe. I'm not sure about the direction they go in. But one will be anticlockwise, one will be clockwise.

Because they have to cancel each other out. Just a lovely bit of fluid mechanics. I love fluid mechanics. They always come in twos. Yeah, they always come in twos. Huh. Yeah, I had to cancel one gig and I managed to make the second gig in Brighton.

Thank you to anyone who came in Brickton. There is a Podbud message me who could only make the Friday one and then couldn't make the Saturday one. Apologies. I've replied to your Instagram message. But otherwise, yeah, just like replacement buses and like trains

where they just like stop and they go there's a tree you're really committed i was just really lucky i had nothing out of london these last couple of days yeah and and look you know it was in that exact thing where it's bad enough that getting there was a nightmare but not so bad that you could just cancel it which is the worst yeah yeah you want it to be fine or everything's cancelled and you have to stay home e.g the pleasure of lockdown one yeah exactly yeah you were yeah so this right so this storm for you pierre was um the omicron emergence yeah yeah and uh and you were the restaurant industry yeah yeah exactly yeah like you could make it but you'd be much better off if they just cancelled it exactly yeah yeah um how about you um fine i

was a bit it's the first time i ever sort of prepped for a storm because i saw on bbc news like tie everything down and i was like i think i'm okay. Then I noticed outside my... Your collection of vases. My outdoor Fabergé egg collection. My umbrellas. My open umbrellas. I have one metal chair outside. I was like, I could really picture that just being blown into the window and smashing everything. So I brought that in, which made me feel very grown up.

And also, I lived in the Midwestwest yes yeah in america well i it's serious weather i mean growing up uh on the isle of man we would miss we would it would get very windy a lot more than london and we would sometimes even miss days of school because they were like from wind yeah if a slate comes off. Wind day! Wind day! And we'd all run out, throw big balls of wind at each other. We'd make wind angels. We'd make wind angels as we got lifted into the sky. Big wind angels. Here you go, tobogganing down the wind. It's just a toboggan just taking off into the air like a wooden

plane. You'd have to be shoveling wind in the drive. Don't we make wind men? With a carrot for the nose? It would be great. It would be great. Wind day!

Yeah. Best wind day. Wind day. Yeah. Best fun ever. No, they were like, stay home, because if this thing whips a fucking roof tile off, we get a bunch of decapitated kids. Yeah, just get blown into the sea. Yeah, yeah. And I always remember thinking how surreal it would be

if someone went, and what happened to you know your uncle or whatever oh he was blown away he blew away well like he saw a really good movie yeah like no he blew away he was blown away he's literally blown away yeah and they go what he was in a hurricane or a tornado and you go well no technically no it was do you know Wind Day? Did you ever get a Wind Day? Did you ever get a Wind Day? You blew away on Wind Day. Where I live now, what has... There's a funny... It turns out somewhere in the vicinity is a natural whistle.

So when we discovered over the last couple of days that when the wind hits a particular speed, somewhere there's a gap between something. I don't know, a gap in a fence? Yeah. Or between two aerials? Or like a weird tube? Or something somewhere.

It'll go... So somewhere, there's a natural whistle. And I've no idea where it is. And it's really annoying, because it's really high-pitched. That is weird. That is weird. That sounds quite pleasant,

but it's like... Yeah, sometimes weird that sounds quite pleasant but it's like yeah like sometimes you can hear the electricity in a tv yeah or it feels it sounds a bit like a um an unoiled gate swinging open oh that's a nice sharp yeah but it can't be that because it keeps going so the wind will go and so somewhere there's a whistle a natural whistle somewhere do you think that like one day you'll go out and you'll see a guy on like a balcony just like whistling at how windy it is that's windy and it has to get up to a certain speed before he's impressed that is annoying

Yeah Yeah We should do some correspondence Oh yes To letters Keep your coolest Emails Phone

Telegrams To your guests Your sisters Keep a street I feel To cool To keep Our

Correspondence Correspondence Correspondence Gotrespondence Correspondence Got a message from Marielle Marielle? Marielle? Bloody hell Yes, nice Very nice Hello PNP, very late pod bird here

I've been binging the pod for the last few days from the beginning I was listening to the episode where Pierre laments The cakification of bread Yeah, so this is during our bread period. Yes. Yeah, so you're talking about brioche and things like that. Everything's brioche. I want a crusty roll.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think that's still a problem? I feel like everything's sourdough now. It's starting to move into sourdough territory, but it's still soft as all hell. The sourification of bread is the problem now now everything says to be sour yeah yeah um so where i lamented the cakeification of bread especially american bread whilst so she says this is when she was listening to this

whilst simultaneously coincidentally and unironically slathering my american white bread with actual cake frosting and snacking upon it with my American mouth. I'll tell you this. It reminded me. When I was in New York last July, I bought a loaf of sliced white bread to have. And it was nice bread. It wasn't just their equivalent of Warburton's.

It wasn't Wonder Bread. Yeah. And I just had it for toast and stuff. I was like, I mean, I'm not going to be able to get through this i was there for like a couple weeks and it never got stale it yeah it it stayed the same and for like two weeks and the guy i was staying with i was like wow this bread hasn't gone off and he was like yeah we have preservatives here that are not legal in the uk yeah yeah there's stuff in that bread with like 18 syllable names. Yeah.

But it's so convenient. I kind of like, I kind of wish we had these. I have to throw out bread all the time here because it just goes stale. Yeah. I had to put it, I put it in the freezer now and I warm it up because it just goes stale like that. What's like that thing where everyone, you sent me the link to that guy saying like, yeah, it feels like shrink wrap, plastic wrapping on vegetables is wasteful but it's actually more

wasteful to let it rot because it rots like 10 times faster without the wrapping and food waste is less green than the plastic yeah we just have decided that we hate plastic yeah yeah everything has to be complicated in the end fucking Fucking real life. So Mariel continues, in my mind, there are two species of bread. Okay. The nice, grown-up, savory kind that you dip into olive oil before a fancy diner. Yes, like a ciabatta.

A ciabatta? Ofakacha? Ofakacha. And the chewy, sweet kind you can substitute for cake when you run out of cake. Okay, thanks, Koji, Mariel. I'm not so familiar with this chewy sweet kind Wonder Bread's pretty close

In Malaysia we had a brand called Gardinia Gardinia is white bread And the tagline was Gardinia So good you can even eat it on its own And all that meant was It's full of fucking sugar Oh yeah Because you could just eat it And it's like why is it so good It's full of fucking sugar Oh yeah

Because you could just eat it And it's like why is it so good It's just full of sugar and additives Who would have thought this slice of cake would be nice That's that kind of stuff So good you can even eat it And then after a couple of years they added To the end a little embellishment

So good you can even eat it on its own On its own on its own and it'd be all these kids, eerie looking made up Southeast Asian kids with gleaming white teeth yeah, yeah, yeah and they stand around the tail eating this bread and smiling at each other

and just like fucking pissing themselves. And just like fucking pissing themselves. He's so thrilled. Just like you remember when you were a kid and you used to stand around and wordlessly eat bread and laugh. Remember? People's behavior in adverts is chilling. It's horrible. It's always terrifying.

Yeah. Because some nutter has gone, we want to imply that this product is the only route to happiness. And yeah, the only thing you need. The only thing you need. We don't want to give any... There's no room to the butter industry. We don't want to promote any other product in this except ours. Yeah, we want to sell printer ink refill cartridges

without helping to sell printers, paper, computers. Ideally, they'd all be naked because we don't want to give the clothes industry a boost. But we're not allowed to do that legally. We just want a bunch of naked people floating in space, laughing and eating bread. With nothing else happening. Just someone spiraling through space.

Stopping their face with gardenia bread. That would be the ideal advert. It's all you'd need in space. It's all you'd need in the universe is gardenia bread on its own.

The on its own is lip synced by the person as they spiral into the sun. On its own! And then the on its own is lip synced by the person as they spiral into the sun. On its own! As they get closer to the sun, the bread toasts. They're just loving it. Every second of it. Quite a good artsy short film. Paul gets in touch. Paul!

Don't be small about this. Yeah, it's Paul. To give us your correspondence, yeah. Hi Pierre and Phil, I've been a pod bud since the very first episode. Oh wow. Founding father. And still look forward to each Wednesday's offering. I was lucky enough to see Pierre at the Soho Theatre at the end of May and loved the show.

So good to see some live comedy again. Got my tickets to see Phil at the Palladium. That's how long ago this is. Oh, bloody hell. Yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very much looking forward to it.

Once I've seen you both, I shall pick my favorite. Ominous. Especially given that that was in the past. Yeah, I wonder what's happened. I didn't just send this email to praise you. I've also enclosed my bad appropriate story. In the summer of 2016, my wife and I embarked around a round-the-world trip. Round-the-world trip.

To get rid of all that awful money we'd saved up. All this awful money. It's everywhere. There, all this awful money. Ugh, it's everywhere. There's nowhere to keep it. I had started to experience some stomach issues, as one does on such an adventure, several days before we arrived in Rio de Janeiro. Oh, lovely.

They went to Rio. They had too much money. I was in Rio with diarrhea. Was pooping out my ass at the rate of several knots. Diario de Janeiro. I've got Diario de Janeiro.

The only saving grace was that whilst it kept me up most nights, it seemed to be relatively dormant during the daylight hours. Vampire. Ah, vampire poops. Yeah. A nocturnal stomach bug, if you will.

And I will. Like the Batman of stomach bugs. Yeah. During the day, it seems like a sort of laid back, chilled out stomach bacteria. But at night, it's vengeance. Seems like a sort of laid back, chilled out stomach bacteria. But at night it's vengeance. It had been causing issues for a full ten days by the time we visited Corcovado, the mountain whose peak is home to the famous Cristo Redentor statue,

perhaps better known to the English-speaking world as Christ the Redeemer, or more likely, the Big Jesus statue. Yeah, I know the Big Jesus statue. Sure. Any of these are acceptable, he says. Thank you, Paul. It was a windy day at the summit. Wind day!

Wind day! That's what the Jesus is saying with his arms outstretched. Wind day! He's doing a big wind day intro. Every day is wind day with Christ. Every day is wind day in heaven. Yeah. Okay, and you take the leaflet.

It was a windy day at the summit Not just generally, but also within my underwear Oh yeah So now it's waking up in the day, this thing I had posed for a few photos in front of the statue Recreating its famous pose, classic Yeah, yeah, good stuff Good fun What I felt was perhaps a form of flattery

Big Jay may have seen it as mockery. Yes. Imitating the pose. Oh, yeah, yeah. He is incurring the wrath of... My stomach problems came to a crescendo there and then, when what felt like a routine gas expulsion came with a prize.

That's a horrible and good phrase, that came with a prize. At that very instant, I stared up into the eyes of JC, and I'm sure the corners of his mouth made the slightest of upturns. Just a little laugh. That's what you get for imitating me. I have never been a religious man, but it was in that moment I first considered the possibility of a higher power, or higher poor.

Had this work of shart been a cruel message to a non-believer, perhaps? The interesting thing to me is that... Work of shart. Ah, the interesting thing to me is that from that moment, my stomach issues never returned. A miraculous

Oh, people are going to start pilgrimages now. Poo-grimages. Poo-grimage? He did the poo-grimage. I'm a poo-grim. Iages now. Poo-grimages. Poo-grimage. He did the poo-grimage. I'm a poo-grim. I'm a poo-grim. I'm a mere humble poo-grim. Will you not give me shelter? With a big stick and a robe going up the hill.

Poo-grims, yeah. So he says, from that moment, my stomach issues never returned. A healthy gut restored. Had I been saved? Had the Son of God taken pity of me and cured my ailment? No, my stomach issues never returned. A healthy gut restored. Had I been saved? Had the Son of God taken pity of me and cured my ailment? No, I just shat myself. I don't know. You were shitting before.

Yeah, that's true. I did not tell my wife what had happened until much later that evening. And simply told her I was going to use the loo. Unfortunately for me, they were not close. I made my way, clenched, down several flights of stairs, until eventually I found the facilities Thanks to my tight Lycra boxes

Gosh Ooh Yeah And some excellent Clench work Yep The contents had not spread Beyond the boundaries

Of my underwear Very good Could have been Much worse Mm-hmm Good work Contained the situation Containment

Locked down Yep You locked it down You Wuhan'd it Yeah You were wearing a mask As we were travelling I had a very limited amount of underwear So I chose to clean them as best I could in the sink

Ring them out and shove them in my pocket For the rest of the day My wife asked why I never just threw them away And bought a new pair I don't have an answer for her We don't always good pair of lycra pants That's such a man thing to do. There's very little I could do to a pair of pants for me to throw them out.

That's the thing. They have to be structurally compromised. Rags. Tatters. Pointless. They need to be absolutely pointless. They need to be in tatters. Yeah.

It's got these poopy, washed, wrung out, damp pants I guess they dry quickly in the Brazilian heat But still, ugh Two months later, I got another ten day stomach bug Followed closely by a fungal infection of the groin Bloody hell Man, I miss travelling Koji Paul

Yikes Horrible Man, oh man Not good Too much I'm so much admiration of And I'm assuming Paul is at least European Yeah

But like travelling for Europeans Is such It's so physically dangerous Just in of themselves Just their own health I'm like wow you really love travelling You know you're going to get diarrhoea It's so physically dangerous just in and of themselves, just their own health. I'm like, wow, you really love traveling. You know you're going to get diarrhea.

For me, I just might. You know you're going to get diarrhea. Yeah, for you, are you sort of going, well, let's see. It's like a boxing match where you go, well, you know, both contenders. For me, I'm like, come on, India, show me what you got. Let's see who goes.

And if I have diarrhea, I'm like, it is an honor to finally be defeated by one worthy you you tip your ass like a little salute but but i but odds are i won't just you pointing at a street vendor selling like little cups of rice and stuff well Well played, sir. Well played. While I'm just... Well played. Well played, sir. And the guy's going... But yeah, I think that whenever someone I know who's very... They put sour cream in their chili, you know what I mean?

And they're like, I'm going to rural Asia. I always just think, yeah, you really want to go. Yeah, yeah. Either always just think yeah you really want to go yeah yeah either you're naive or you really want to go because you're gonna you're gonna shit like hell yes yes you're gonna shit like hell i've never tested it with my relative for a honky iron belly where's the most um shit yourself place you've ever been? Ooh. Hmm. It's a good question, actually. I haven't really been around Asia at all.

I've just been to Singapore. Yeah, you won't shit yourself. It's the cleanest place in the world. Yeah. You shit yourself, they'll beat you to death with sticks. That's messy. They'll hit you to pieces. I've eaten dodgy takeaway food and things.

Yeah. Late night kebabberies in laundries. Yeah, sure. Eerily cheap curries. That's a risk if you're outside of London and you order quite a big curry and it comes to like nine pounds. You think, no, this isn't right. Bad wings. Bad wings? Yeah, from non-name brand wing places in london yeah that always like the kind of where it gets cheaper the more wings you buy

yeah it's like reverse like it's like non-newtonian physics why is it cheaper to buy 100 wings than four i got i got some mcdonald's chicken nuggets the other day yeah and it's they're nine for four pounds 19 okay or for four pounds 99 you can have 20 yeah i mean that and like what is the economics here how much does it cost you to make a chicken nugget tell me it's it's yeah i don't understand the economics of it at all. Whatever Ronald's up to. What are you doing back there? What is this?

Why do you want to get rid of these nuggets so badly? What have you done to them? Yeah, sinister. Well, now it's time to go to one of the Most exclusive shit yourself places on earth Phil Oh yes The only place where you're guaranteed diarrhea Even more than A South American backpacking trip

Yep It's bonus pod It's bonus pod via the Budpod Patreon If you're not a Patreon Get on there for some extra Bud poopy action. Yeah. Where everyone knows your shame. Like cheers.

But for pooping. Okay, well, we're going to go off to there, but we will see the rest of you guys next week. Bye-bye. Bye.