BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 154 - Guncln

Episode Date: March 9, 2022

Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie chat American cities and cowboy hecklers, correspondence from Evan and his handy father, sketch is Grooms Of The Bed Chamber and vote for Phil's book on chortle.co.uk ! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh, it's Bud Pod 154. Wow. 154. Love my saw. I love my saw. I have. Yes, I bought a saw to chop up a tree. A saw to chop up a tree?

I had a Christmas tree in my flat in London. Was it two years ago? a christmas tree in my flat in london was it two years ago and we missed we missed the the pickup date for the christmas trees yeah like the council's like you gotta get your christmas trees out on the on the pavement by 6th of jan or or you gotta handle it yourself so i missed it i didn't put the whole tree out yeah so i had to put it in just normal rubbish bags but that meant I had to chop it up like a body into small enough pieces

so then I went and got and bought a saw and I spent like all day sawing sawing a Christmas tree into pieces with the Dexter theme music playing I don't know how that goes. I don't remember. Yes.

Killing people, but they deserve to die. That wouldn't be bad, actually. That's got the right kind of vibe. Slightly sinister. What is it about classical music that makes things a bit more sinister um i guess that there's no voice there's no human voice yeah that's nice to familiarize yourself to um yeah there's no strings or they often have strings instruments and string instruments are eerie because they're essentially a kind of a scratching. They're a Yeah, and they're inherently

a tension, aren't they? That's right, yeah. You can feel the tension in the strings. Yes, okay. Okay, that's making sense. That's making sense. Whereas a flute isn't very tense.

No, it's the sound of springtime, Phil. It's the sound of springtime. It's the sound of your daughter's orchestra practice. There's nothing scary about that. Yeah. Flautist. A flautist. Yeah.

Do you reckon when a flautist shows off, are they flauntists then? The flaunting flautist flaunces off. I like it. The flaunting flautist... It's hard, as they don't even invent a tongue twister. The flaunting flautist... It's hard, as I don't even invent a tongue twister. The flaunting flautist... At last!

Flaunces. Yeah, we had a period of we were inventing tongue twisters, and you've invented a new one. A flaunting flautist flaunces... flippantly. The flaunting flautist flaunces flippantly, fleeing the fleas. The flaunting flautist flounces flippantly, fleeing the fleas.

It's like warming up in a drama lesson at school. What were you like in drama lessons, Phil? You liked a bit of acting as a teen, as a child. I don't think I was. I never took drama lessons. No. But did you not have a period where they were compulsory no no are they compulsory when you're younger here we had uh drama lessons from sort of 11 to whenever you choose your gcses yeah wow yeah it's okay i've heard of this no because i only entered the british uh system yeah of gcse

yes so in malaysia they were like you don't need to act after primary school you don't need to act we only want you to act your age that's what they said that's the only acting you do you're gonna act like a model citizen is what you're gonna act like you do you're gonna act like a model citizen is what you're gonna act like yeah when i heard of uh drama lessons compulsory drama lessons for the first time i was like this is the decadent west the west is decadent yeah um and uh a very different attitude as pointed out by excellent comedian and friend of the podcast, a friend of ours, Garrett Millerick, obviously, says, talks about how it's crazy how at school, if you weren't good at sport, there was never any talk of like, oh, but just let him play for the best team just to be nice. If you weren't good enough, you could go fuck yourself. But if you weren't any good at drama, they'd still let you be in the play.

Yeah, but as a tree or something. Not always. Not always. Sometimes they would just... Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's this idea of like, oh, well, we're trying to give it to everyone. But isn't that just because you went to school?

Is that not because you went to school in the Isle of Man and eventually they just ran out of kids? No, this is Garrett's school in the UK. But just and eventually they just ran out of kids. No, this is Garrett's school in the UK. But just generally a kind of idea that because it's not seen as cool like football we just need to make it inclusive and therefore in some ways less

in pursuit of excellence. Whereas football doesn't need to football doesn't care if you like it or not. It's just in charge of all the sports really. Yes, and i suppose you can't the school can't lose drama it can't lose a drama with another school yeah there's no jeopardy there yeah that's amazing that's they can't let just they can't let you and me on the football team pierre because there's an objective outcome at the end of the game yeah that's true and there's no whereas with the drama yeah yeah there's no intra-school i'm sure there are sort of like

reading competitions or whatever the fuck around the place but not in the same way there's not like a big league or anything like that you won't get nearly as many red-faced dads i'm sure the amer Americans have come up with a way to make plays competitive, surely. Yes. Like the Great Drama Bee or something. The

Theater Bee? You made Theater Varsity? Varsity Theater Team. you're in the college theater league um do you think uh I'm trying to google if that's if there's a thing American uh

theater contests well we know they have like was it glee singing contests right yeah with um gosh i mean acapella groups and glee clubs just the most um all the kids involved seem to always look like they're from propaganda

yes yeah yeah yeah the the way they march and smile is like they're in a North Korean parade. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. There's a real sinister discipline to the cheerfulness. Like Tom Cruise. It's like the cheerleaders. Yeah. Yeah, although I feel like with cheerleaders, they kind of find people who really aren't just like,

woo, yeah, like kind of find people who really aren't just like, Woo! Yeah! They have that attitude inherently. We're here to support everyone. Whereas I feel like the Glee Club people are backstage. They're like, you better bring it! Like, I think they're kind of slightly evil. They feel a bit like villains. Yes, the American High School Theatre Festival.

Yeah, it wouldn't be festival. A festival is to... No, I found it. Oh, okay, fair enough. Oh, it's at the Fringe. It's at the Fringe. Ah, there. There you go.

They have to come to the UK to have a festival. There would be like Theater Fight or Battle of the Troops troops i mean t-r-o-u-p-e i can't believe they got a scat land scat land day one i've got the itinerary here phil your adventure day by day do you want to hear about your adventure so this is the itinerary for the theater festival what was it again? it's the American High School Theatre Festival gosh okay and they come to Edinburgh to do this

yeah accepted theatre groups spend a total of two weeks in the UK performing their own production attending fringe shows and touring Scotland and England so here's your itinerary Phil it says your adventure day by day right Scotland and England. So, here's your itinerary, Phil.

It says, your adventure day by day. Right? Ooh, my adventure. What do you think day one is? Day one is land and go to the hotel. Think more American. Day one is land and high five

and get a big gulp and go to the motel so day one is start tour okay that's a i think that's a sensible day one activity okay so day two start tour day one day one start tour day two i think i can guess day two continue tour uh almost uh hello london okay day two hello london what do you think day three is like Good day, your majesty Top of the morning to you They got a bit confused Day three is enjoy London Okay

So day two is hello London Day three is enjoy London Okay, day four Is wow London With your play No, Phil, day four is head to Edinburgh. Okay. Edinburgh.

Edinburgh. Day five. Enjoy Edinburgh and prepare for Fringe. Okay. I like the number of enjoy days in this itinerary. There's a lot of enjoy days and there's quite a lot of preparing going on. Good for them. Day six. Festival Fr for them. Day six, festival fringe begins.

Day seven, enjoy some performances. More of our good old friend enjoy. Day eight, explore Edinburgh. Day nine, fair day. Don't know what that is. Fair day. As in they're going to the fair. Yeah, but what fair?

Is there a fair in Edinburgh The whole thing's a fair isn't it? That's true Maybe that's just code for another enjoy day Well day 10 is enjoy the Well maybe fair day is a day where they all have to be

fair to each other Yes they've been very drama kiddy up to that point. Sniping and... You just have to be fair for one day, then the rest of the tour you can be selfish little assholes. On fair day we like to begin every sentence we say with to be fair.

To be fair. It's fair day. And every decision is made with the role of a die so day 7 was enjoy day 7 was enjoy some performances day 10 is enjoy the performances the performances

so we're switching to the definite article here enjoy some performances explore edinburgh fair day enjoy the performances okay So we're switching to the definite article here. Enjoy some performances. Explore Edinburgh. Fair day. Enjoy the performances. Okay. Interesting. Day 11.

Immerse yourself in the experience. I feel like they're just coming up with different ways of saying be at the Edinburgh Fringe. Do some stuff. If they were going to a water park, it would be day 10. Slip down a slide. Day 11. Slide down a slippery slope.

Day 12. Get wet. Get wet. Day 13. Get quite wet. Day 14, splish splosh. So day 11, immerse yourself in the experience. Day 12, get ready to perform.

Oh, not get ready. They're really sort of there's a lot of build up for these kids. Yeah, it's like a human sacrifice. So day 12 is get ready to perform and then day 13 is final performance. No, what?

I don't really know how that's happened. So they do one show. Day 14, return home. What? Wait. No. Wait. When they say enjoy the performances, are they speaking about their own performances?

They're doing both, apparently. Gosh. Okay. So throughout this whole time when they've been enjoying the fringe and immersing themselves in the experience, and enjoying some performances, they have also at the same time been performing themselves. Is that what we are to They seem to be doing about two or three performances themselves, Phil One of which will be on the Royal Mile, which as we all

know will be revolting That's terrible I think that counts as child cruelty Making teenagers joyful, hopeful American teens come to Edinburgh and jig around on the Royal Mile it's uh

we thought that maybe Covid would be a new world that kind of thing would be over with but no it's all back on and some of you may notice that here in the palace there is a little room just off here if If you look there, that's not actually a window. That's a sort of hatch. And in the sort of time we're talking

about where this was frequently occupied by a royal, that hatch was used by the groomsmen of the bedchamber to climb into this room from their chamber, which of course was just attached. And they were the most trusted, noble, intelligent people in the kingdom, and as a result they were elevated to groomsmen of the chamber. And their job was to ensure that the king or queen and their partner or mistress, in some cases, I'm afraid, cover your ears, ears, I said, would be able to perform the sexual act.

Because, of course, there was nothing more important than an heir, and even an illegitimate heir was better than no heir at all. And so they'd come out, and what would happen is, and we know this from various etchings, they'd prop up the king, who would be completely floppy at this point, exhausted, in every sense, I mean.

Exhausted from a long day of beating horses, beating dogs, beating the lower classes. His arms would have been unusable, his legs stretched wide by the sheer width of some of those horses, and they would prop him up. There would be enough to sort of puppeteer him.

And they would do their best to sort of create a facsimile of sexual thrusting. And just sort of generally do their best, not only to maintain the king's excitement, shall we say, of his scepter, but to maintain the movement. If you imagine a sort of, well, a scarecrow, I suppose, sort of meaty scarecrow, just flopping around, being pushed in and out,

sort of thwapping against the bare buttocks of an Austrian princess who's been sent here for this. Better days. Will you be dropping by the fring? Um, I think I might be

Pierre Watch this space That's all I'm saying Watch this space What I can say though Is to any of our American pod buds I have just announced My little itty bitty

America tour I'll be in America At the end of mid April to the start of May. Have a look on my Insta and my Twitter. I have a few dates traveling through the country. See if I'm coming near you. Would be lovely to have some pod buds in. So do check it out.

The tickets are available on my website. It's on your website. If you don't feel too alienated by Phil's criticism of your high school attitudes to drama Phil's coming to bring you a little drama of his own shall I read through the places I'm going and we can discuss our impressions of what they are

yes please because a lot of these I've never been to before at all so on 21st of April I land well first show is in New York hey we all know is in New York. Hey, we all know New York. New York City. I'll be on stage.

I'll be going, Hey, I'm gigging here. If someone tries to run me over with a car. Or heckle. Or heckle. Hey, I'm performing here. Hey, you heckle your mother with that mouth? And everyone will go,

Woo! Woo! And then the next stop is just virginia arlington virginia historic oh you're going to perform to the tomb of the unknown soldier is that where that is in the arlington national cemetery yes i've been there i think that would be highly disrespectful unless he laughed ah you're thinking of the laughing policeman am i there's a tomb of the unknown soldier and the laughing policeman that's like i'm at the arlington i'm at the arlington draft house oh i didn't i always thought arlington was basically just the cemetery but of course i guess there must be a town oh no oh god i've i've not booked these myself arlington draft house okay

um what do you think arlington would be like it's in virginia but it's not that far from like dc and the sort of more central touristy internationally bits. I have no idea. I have no idea. All I picture when I think of Virginia is like tobacco. Yeah. Maybe there'll just be big bowls of tobacco around the bar for people to eat up themselves like peanuts. Just chewing tobacco in bowls.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if you nail the gig, they all stand up. just chewing tobacco in bowls yeah yeah yeah and you're gonna if you nail the gig they all stand up and it's a standing ovation but they all go like like spit at your

at a big bucket at your feet and they doink doink doink like it's the the applause then I'm going to Minneapolis

performing at the Acme Comedy Company which is such a wonderfully American Acme like in the cartoons Phil if cartoons have taught me anything you're gonna get crushed by an anvil on stage Acme Comedy Company, which is such a wonderfully American Acme, like in the cartoon. Phil, if cartoons have taught me anything, you're going to get crushed by an anvil on stage.

A big anvil's going to drop on me. And then it'll smack on my head, and then it'll fall off, and then I'll be flat. Yeah. And then a big bump on my head will go boink, bock, and it'll pop out. Yeah. Yeah. If you're lucky. I mean, if you're unlucky, you'll be an accordion when you walk around.

You know. Then I'm in San Francisco. But wait, what do we think Minneapolis is going to be like, though? It's Midwest, isn't it? Oh, I actually missed one. Yeah, I missed one here. Minneapolis, yeah. I don't know.

I'm in Minneapolis for a while. I'm doing a few days in Minneapolis. Yeah, I have no idea. Minneapolis, yeah. I don't know. I'm in Minneapolis for a while. I'm doing a few days in Minneapolis. Yeah, I have no idea. Minneapolis, Minnesota. So I'll be looking forward to that Minnesota accent. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, like Fargo. Oh, yeah, that's good.

That's funny. This kid's funny. Oh, he's a real... This Friesian guy. He's a hoot. Yeah, I was going to say, this guy's a real hoot. I was a hooting and a hollering Yeah, I was going to say, this guy's a real hoot. I was a hootin' and a hollerin', I tell ya.

Oh, I can't wait for that. It'll be great. You'll come out and do a gag and some of the front row will go, oh, jeez. And they'll all be dressed in like Fargo jumpers and they'll all have complex backstories and be mainly highly competent frequently underrated female policemen.

Yes. Yes. A lady policeman is a main feature of Fargo. A highly competent but also very humble. Yep. And a homely female policeman. Yes.

Or policewoman. And then off to portland um i think oregon oh the helium helium comedy club dude portland's where the hipster revolution is began and continues yeah oh boy i hope i'm cool enough for portland i don't know man you better all wedgie they might wedgie me why are they all wedging me while I'm on stage? If at any point they're cooler than you, you need to retreat into your Britishness. Yes. And just talk about the NHS.

Just keep mentioning the NHS. Yes, yes, yes. Just talk about how you're not bankrupt because of being ill. And if they say like clicking they'll start clicking at me in appreciation yes yes yeah yeah just keep talking about that kind of thing and then if any of them are much much cooler than you and you feel lame just say something like sort of oh um oh goodness gracious heavens or something a bit english and they'll go ah how charming they'll find you inherently charming maybe.

You better polish up on your irony though. Oh yeah. And my eye rolls. I need to do some eye rolling exercises. Yeah. So you need to practice going into a bar and going. Has this bar got like a theme? After that I'm in San Francisco which is

where all the audience will be cyborgs because the technology is there oh yes they will be they will be cyborgs right they'll be cyborgs Dirty Harry, I think.

Okay. In San Francisco. And just a very, very notorious gay pride parade. Yes. And an excellent Chinatown, a legendary Chinatown. Oh, yes, of course. Well, that's quite an audience for you. Yeah.

I mean, that's my market you can get Dirty Harry to do security maybe Dirty Security Dirty Security I only do Dirty Security will that be alright which are you looking forward to most if that's all of them oh there's a few more

I'll put youattle through them. San Jose. Ooh, Cowboys? Yeah, Cowboys and Philem. Spokane in Washington State. There was a lot of confusion about whether I was going to Washington State or Washington DC. It is Washington State. Oh, yeah.

Then LA, ever heard of it? I'm doing the Netflix comedy festival in LA. Los Angeles. And then off to another San, San Diego. And then Irvine. Finishing in Irvine. California.

Ooh. When you're in San Diego, make sure to make a lot of Ron Burgundy references to the other comedians. They'll love it. Of course. Of course. They'll go, oh, my God, you've seen that movie? We love that movie.

And they'll hug you and kiss you. We thought that was only a San Diego movie. And there'll be a big statue of him in the comedy club, the fictional character Ron Burgundy. Just that and Borat references. Just really lean on those. Yep, that's my big American trip. I'm quite scared. I'm scared.

But I think it'll be all right. Which place seems the most scary to you? Because I know which one seems the most scary to you? because I know which one seems the most scary to me well I don't alienate anyone by calling their place the scariest but if they're American maybe they'll be like

and then they'll bring you a pecan pie that's true I mean San Jose that sounds like the wild west to me yeah yeah that does sound like that sounds like i'm gonna be doing my gig and then some saloon doors will swing open and it'll be like the the quickest heckler in town that guy's got the quickest tongue in the West. And then like he does this flipping,

like, you know how they spin their revolvers around? He does that with his tongue. And then he takes off his hat and throws it into the air and heckles it. And it's devastated. It just blows into pieces. Yeah. He throws it in the air and he just it and it's devastated it just blows into pieces yeah he throws it in the air and he just goes nice hat they say he

heckled a man before he was even in town sorry what were you saying no I just like I was thinking of ways for him to heckle his own hat and just saying where's your leather from your grandmama's back

and then it just explodes and it's so quick and it's so quick you can hardly make it out even and it's so quick and it's so quick you can hardly make it out even though it's quite clever he really rushes the sentence so it's like so it's like a 10 gallon hat the heckle is like

the only thing that's ever held is 10 gallons of idiot or something right but he's like throws it up in the air he's like no one ever had 10 gallons of idiot or something, right? But he throws it up in the air and he's like, no one ever had 10 gallons of idiot. And old ladies are closing the shutters on their house and stuff. Someone stops playing the piano.

Oh, don't pay him no mind. That's when you have to go and hold your hat in between your two hands and all humbly and beg him not to heckle you i i don't want no trouble mister and then he goes to shake your hand and a load of really good pre-prepared heckles come out of his sleeve and everyone goes he's cheating and they all start shooting at him they all start heckling him and he's it's a that'd be a very funny like a bar fight in a western and people swinging from the chandeliers and stuff but they're all just singing each other completely verbal

the the cowboy era is an interesting one right because like what isn't like 99 of it completely fabricated like how much of it actually happened the way we think i mean it did they were you know some cowboys and there was like billy the kid and all that and u.s marshals and bounty hunts and whatever and frontier towns like that all happened it's just that it wasn't like picturesque yeah i feel always well shot it wasn't always so well shot towns were more often big enough for both men

laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing it wasn't just the good the bad and the ugly there was also like a normal guy and an accountant

yeah probably still quite a lot of brothels though because a frontier town where everyone just works in a mine or something there's gonna be a brothel there oh there'll be brothels believe you me

it must have been horrible it must have been it must have been horrible it must have been awful no thanks that's all I'm saying everything in cowboy movies looks like it has a thin layer of sand on it and everyone looks sweaty yeah it's really unpleasant

my experience of the wild west is limited to that of Red Dead Redemption 2. But I feel like it was pretty accurate, actually, and pretty authentic. And there were nice moments living in the West in Red Dead Redemption 2, but there were also moments when I was scared. Yeah. And I was sad and I was lonely.

And I felt dirty. Yeah? What did you call your horse yeah oh right yeah what did I call my horse this is the kind of thing they're going to ask you on stage in San Jose oh shit in San Jose

and I won't have an answer what's your horse's name night speed boo it's going gonna be a disaster What's a good name for a horse? What did you name your horse? I can't remember what I named my horse

I never played it You never played Red Dead Redemption 2? No I never did What? Are you serious? Yeah it's one of the big open world games Where when it was popular I was just like You know what right now It's too big I big open world games where when it was popular, I was just like, you know what, right now...

It's too big. It's too big. I can't dive into the enormous world of the Wild West. I'm a city slicker. It is spectacular. I mean, if only to appreciate the technical mastery of it, it's worth it, worth the price of admission. It's one of the most praised games

I've ever like in terms of our social circle it's just extraordinary yeah you just think how many coders were abused making this game how many programmers didn't

see their families for six months oh Oh, yeah. Because this is extraordinary. And their sacrifice was worth it, as far as I'm concerned. I think so. I think that they you know, they didn't see their family, but

but the horse has eyelashes. The horse poops. What? Yeah, the horses poop. No. They poop. Yeah, you leave them hanging around and eventually they just go...

I swear. Does it eat? It eats the poop, yeah. It then eats the poop. Ah, yes, the coprophiliac horse achievement. Ah, yes, the coprophiliac horse achievement. Actually, no, it'd be coprophage, wouldn't it? Coprophagic.

Coprophage. Phage means eat. Phage means eat, Phil, and don't you forget it. Like the clock outside your college in Cambridge. Yes, the chronophage. Time eater. You better watch out, Phil. Get your horse's name set up in your mind or in San Jose they're going to fade you alive.

Get your horse in order. That's what they say in San Jose. You need to get your horses in order. That's right. Get your... A horse divided cannot stand. That's another thing they say. So, shall we do some correspondence?

All yours. To letters, emails, phone numbers, tweets, sources, to make fun, ring bells, correspondence. Let's dance with the correspondence. Correspondence Let's dance with a correspondence Let's have a correspond dance Ooh, very nice Ooh-wee-ooh Ooh-wee-ooh

Okay, so Let me see we had Tales from Siberia I remember that, the Frozen Poops that was good it was on our bonus pod non-patrons if you want to hear no it was on the main one

oh yeah in our bonus pod we were set in the Siberian Service station So if you want to hear that Then get on our Patreon Baby Oh maybe I did put it on the Patreon

Oh God I'm sorry Rose I got confused Well I think what's important here Is join our Patreon Yes it is what's important um here phil is an email from uh someone called evan who which the email was so gross that i skipped it embarrassedly when we did our crossover podcast with nobody panic you couldn't let stevie and tessa hear this no i thought if this is what i think i give the impression to stevie and tessa we relish weekly they're just gonna because it's because

i tell you what the thing is it's a good story from evan that's why i'm going to read it out but right it's light on magic i'll say that that's why I'm going to read it out, but it's light on magic. I'll say that. I'd say it's light on magic. Some of our stories have a certain magic to them. A few surprises in there. Twists and turns. Yes, this one is just

pure cack, is it? Yeah, it's pretty pure and there's a kind of... It's like... I'd say it's like the John Wick of Pooh stories. It's just in there. It's all action. Right.

In and out. Done. It does what it does very well, but if you're looking for anything else, you won't be satisfied. Exactly. So... You won't be happy, yeah.

Yeah. So, Evan says, Hello, genital men. like that that's something it's impressive that hasn't come up already actually yeah for the last year or so i have been tuning into the pod and now i listen every week recently i decided to explain the correspondence slash poo story segment of the podcast to my family after a Sunday dinner. Oh no. And pointed out that sadly I do not yet have any notable poo related incidents.

I like the idea of his family being really supportive about it. Well go on son you can try harder. You can do it. Yeah he's got like a really charming nine year old much like younger sister. I think you can do it evan you'll show yourself oh thank you or like uh as he was eating sunday dinner he he sort of sighed

and they said is it okay and he went it's lovely to have sunday dinner as a family but i wonder if i'll ever shit myself and then the mother just like lowers her brow in a very sympathetic manner and reaches over and holds his hand. Oh, darling, of course you will. I undercooked this bird. Did you, Mama? Oh, thank you. You always know how to cheer me up.

As he goes over to hug her. Thank you. You always know how to cheer me up. As he goes over to Haka. Thank you. I like this family that we've made up. They're disgusting, but they're very wholesome as well. Anyway. So Evan says, he says, he doesn't say, he says, says sadly I don't have one of these yet these stories he continues

luckily for me my dad has been able to provide me with an excellent chronicle of his own oh good the sins of the father my father's chronicle

which took place when he was a student at university his mishap was along the following lines you know harp noise he was a student at university. His mishap was along the following lines. You know,

harp noise. Yes, yes, maybe some 60s music, I'm guessing. Oh, he'd be very old if it was 60s. It's the time of the seas. Yeah, I don't know Some more music Upon his departure from a boozy night out

In a club in Nottingham Lovely Upon his departure from a boozy night out In a club in Nottingham My dad stumbled to the floor And had the misfortune of planting his hand Into a fresh heap of dog shit. I think there is a sense of magic to this, Pierre.

Well, hold on. Only because I'm seeing the whole thing through a sort of 70s Vaseline sheen. Yeah, as he stumbles into the dog shit, he's wearing a paisley shirt and yellow sunglasses. Yeah. As he stumbles into the dog shit, he's wearing a paisley shirt and, like, yellow sunglasses. Yeah. And he says, Oh, that's not groovy.

He had the misfortune of planting his hand into a fresh heap of dog shit. This was going to cause him problems. That's fair. I can imagine, yeah. The poo was all over his hand and the smell was ripe. What he needed

was somewhere to clean his hand so he could continue his night out with his pals. Right? Yes, yep, yep, yep. But the club had now closed its doors and finding another open establishment at that hour of the night

would be near impossible. Especially with a poop hand. Is there a river? There's a river in Nottingham. In an attempt to clean himself, he desperately wiped his soiled fingers against the pavement. Scraping. It's a start.

It's a start. It's a start, yeah. Literally scraping, yeah. But this had little to no effect He was running out of options But he hadn't ran out completely For the past few minutes A wee had been brewing in his bladder

Oh my Yes Yes This is back when men were resourceful Yeah, he's the MacGyver When men were men And they fixed their own problems There was a time in this country

When men fixed their problems with piss Their own piss Not someone else's piss handed to them Their own Or the government's piss Demanding free piss He lived by the sweat of his brow And the stream of his piss

A real man So, a wheeze brewing He would need to piss in the next little while It was at this moment that his grand idea came to him In case you haven't already guessed it The man used his own piss to clean dog shit off his hand yes yeah you know what you know what makes me it reminds me of you know when you spill red wine on a carpet and then people are like you have to spill white wine on it now to get rid of it i think that's true because if you were at a dinner party right

and yeah you were some for some reason you would um nude from the waist down like um winnie the pooh and you just did a big shit you people would go oh my god and you'd go no no no hang on and then you'd still piss on it and it would be fine you'd say this is an old trick my grandmother taught me and you'd piss directly onto the shit I like you shitting on the floor just straight dumb like that people going oh my god and you're straight away going

no no no no no no no no I can fix it instantly like you knew they were gonna i knew you're gonna say this no no no no no i knew you're gonna make a big deal out of it no no i did it i'll clean it up and just start pissing on it there we go um yes he's using piss to clean dog shit of his own hand which is the sentence i didn't want to say into the face of Stevie and Tessa and maybe that's wrong maybe that's patronizing um

the story we told them still had someone shitting himself in it yeah but this one is and because it's dog shit as well it's just so much I think it's worse because it's so horrible and smelly and disgusting it's acrid what's up with

what are dogs eating this is good this will be good in San Jose what's the deal with dog shit yeah I think and also considering it was a recording for Comic Relief yeah I think if you'd done the story Comic Relief would Yeah. I think if you'd done the story, Comic Relief would have

just gone, we just won't have the donations. Let's say, I'd rather tell the children no myself than put this out there with my stamp on it. Yeah. So he's cleaning toxic of his hand

with his own piss. He never disclosed the effectiveness Of his solution so one can only ponder As to how well it works Yes well there was the end of the story So Well that's it It's better than nothing As I enter my second year at university I will be keeping this handy life hack

In the back of my mind in case I ever need to use it myself But I sincerely hope that day never comes. Yeah. Yes. I imagine when the father told him the story, he grabbed him by the shoulders and said, I'm telling you this so you don't make the same mistake, boy.

Please, boy, learn from my mistakes. And he looks over onto his shoulder and his dad's hand still has shit under the fingernails. Yeah. There are some smells you can never wipe off. I'm...

I don't want you to live the life I've lived. I don't want you to live the life I've lived. Stay fresh and koji from Evan. That's very nice evan thank you very um thank you evan the brutality to that story yeah it's good and also nice to have like something set in the 70s i'll guess well if he's in his second year at uni it's probably more like oh it's like oh uni sorry yeah yeah if he's in his second year at uni, it's probably more like... Oh, uni. Sorry. If he's in his second year at uni, that means we're talking 80s. Okay, so it'd be more like um... Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba- I'm looking up hits from like 1982. Shit on my hand.

Eye of the tiger. And everywhere's closed. I can't go to wash it off. So I better pee on it with my penis. Washing away. I'll be telling this to my son someday. Piss on me. Yes, very good, very good very good very nice

that was absolutely fluent it's beautiful gracious um hot in the city by billy idol that kind of works too a lot of the songs from 1982 are pretty dirty laundry by don henley sure i mean that's perfect.

Rock the Casbah by The Clash. Good song. Cracking song. You have always been a Rock the Casbah fan. I'm a Rock the Casbah fiend. Yeah. You can't get enough of that hot tune. You can't get enough of it. I can't. I can't. we've only got a few minutes left but interesting update Phil

every fucker no longer goes to McDonald's it's a Patreon reference so apologies for anyone who's not on the Patreon but there is now all the McDonald's in Russia are shutting yes I saw McDonald's is quite late to the sanctioned party, right? Well, Ronald has always been very close to Putin.

Yes. I mean, that hair is red for a reason. Let's just say no one knows where Ronald was when Kennedy was shot. where Ronald was when Kennedy was shot. Yes, Ronald McDonald or Ronald McDonaldov. If you know what I mean. Ronald Ronaldovich.

There wasn't a second gunman, Phil, but there might have been a second gun clown. A second gun clown that's how you say gun clown it's pronounced gun clown reports are just reaching us of a rampaging gun clown but they're still paying the employees, which is pretty cool. Okay, that's good. That's good.

That's a nice combo. I wonder how many McDonald's there are in Russia. I imagine a few. There's got to be bloody loads, isn't there? There's got to be loads. Wasn't that like when McDonald's first opened in Russia? What, after the wall came down, I guess, right?

Oh no, it would have been... What's the period of slight opening up? Is that Glasnost? Glasnost and Perestroika, but yeah, Glasnost. Openness, I think. Glasnost. I can remember my conformed history. And there were just like queues and queues and queues around the block

for McDonald's. Oh, and Phil, you have been nominated for an award today. my form history. And there were just like queues and queues and queues around the block. From McDonald's. Oh, and Phil, you have been nominated for an award today. Have I? Yes, a Chortle Award. The biggest. Have I?

Yes. I didn't know this. Your book is nominated for Best Comedy Book. Oh, that's something. That's nice. It's between you... Thank you, Chortle

it's between you, Bob Mortimer, Gina Yesher or is it Yashere Yashere and Tim Key well I'm not winning but it's nice to be nommed come on listeners get on to Chortle.co.uk and spam them votes

two engineers in that category. Is that? Yeah, Gina Yesheri was an engineer. Was she? Yeah, she worked on construction. Oh, wow. Gosh, you guys are sneaky.

Sneaky NGs. You're a sneaky NG. Well, that's nice news to end the pod on I'm an award nominee everybody at last Now you'll take me seriously Pierre Things are about to change around this podcast

Things are about to change around here now that you've been nominee-ed Yes, so, okay, great Right, well, time to go to Patreon Things are about to change around here now that you've been nominee-ed. Yes. So, okay, great. Right, well, time to go to Patreon. Yes, yes. Yes, see you in the Patreon bonus pod.

See you in the bonus pod. Much love, everybody. Bye. Bye.