BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 155 - Stable and Cheeseboard

Episode Date: March 16, 2022

Wang and Novellie chat pick up artists and BAFTAsSketch: PAT starring Benedict CumberbatchCorrespondence: Luke's paradox anus, Lindsey's kind praise and dad tat Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 155. 155. It's a bumfight, live! Yeah, just two bums. Which would be us fighting with a war of words over this, our remote podcast. Yes, bumfights of course are a harrowingly real thing. over this, our remote podcast. Yes. Bone fights, of course, are a harrowingly real thing.

Yeah. People paying, I guess, homeless people to fight each other. I feel like it's less common than it used to be. But I don't know how common it used to be. But I mean, I think the guy who did it is in jail. Really? Yeah. Like, that shouldn't be a surprise

to anyone. No. No. I'm gonna look it up. Yeah, I never I never partook in any sense. It's mad what people will watch on the internet. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, that is an evergreen comment, to be honest.

Yeah, I can't quite... Ryan McPherson. I swear someone told me the other day, oh, you know, that guy went to prison. Right. I didn't know it was just one guy. Well, I don't know. That's what the person said. Someone paying tramps the fight came up.

Tramps, bums, hobos, these are all specific terms, it turns out. Yeah, they do. Americans have very specific terms for old homeless guys. Well, we do as well. Tramp is not the same as a homeless person in the UK. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. America, when they say tramp, it's like a woman shouting at another woman in a reality show. Right. I still thought that was derived from a particular type of homeless person no it is

I'm just saying that they don't have some kind of like it's not like jazz stand up and comic strips it's not like a unique American art form to name tramps sure I think hobos specifically the guys who ride the rails yeah it's a great depression era thing

hmm you'd hate to be a hobo who ride the rails. Yeah, it's a Great Depression era thing. Hmm. You'd hate to... You'd hate to be a hobo. Oh, okay, yeah. The guy behind bumfights got arrested for trying to mail infant body parts from Thailand. There you go.

What? That... Wow, that's like getting Al Capone for tax fraud. A completely separate crime to the one you're expecting it to be. Or it's like getting Donald Trump for actual murder

Jesus Christ, yeah oh my god, well this is in 2014 these guys aren't that much older than us, that's terrifying and what have we done? I know, we haven't even started the bumfights yeah a parcel delivery company in Bangkok put three packages bound for the United States through a routine x-ray and made a startling discovery. Preserved human parts.

Jesus Christ. No. What? Lads. Why? What is up with Thailand, actually? I feel like Thailand gets an easy ride. Yeah.

But the rest of Southeast Asia is not like Thailand. The wacky ass, the twisted shit that goes on in Thailand. What happened to Thailand? Do you think it's because Thailand is stable enough that insane Americans can think, yeah, I can go there and commit some sort of crimes or near crimes, whereas Cambodia is too scary? Right, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because Thailand has a very stable, repressive state, right, Whereas Cambodia is too scary. Right. Okay.

Yeah. Because Thailand has a very stable, repressive state, right? With the monarchy and so on. So you go, oh, if something happens broadly, I'll be able to complain to a guy in a white short-sleeved shirt and a little cap. And he'll kind of help me or whatever. Whereas in Cambodia, it's like, well, the mafia killed you. Oh, well. I have really no awareness of what life in Cambodia is like.

I've got the impression that Cambodia was the more frightening one. Oh, really? Yeah, what with the recent genocide and more violent organized crime. But when was the genocide? The 80s? Yeah, but that's more recent than Thailand's not at all. Yeah, sure. thailand's not at all yeah sure but often uh what follows um like a horrific genocide is a a period of uh relative peace like uh rwanda's must be lovely now oh yeah but that's down to that to the to the controversial president more than some kind of natural rest period.

A natural reset, yeah. I'm trying to find out why they were doing this. Oh, the preserved body parts. Yeah. This guy just seems like a bit of a wild card, generally. What's two of them? What a duo. A dynamic duo.

Hmm. Very strange. I don't... I can't imagine being... I have... Look, Phil. I struggle with motivation in all sorts of ways. Never mind to go to Thailand to get a horrible dead child part.

Well, it sounds like he didn't even go. It sounds like he sort of ordered it. Oh, hang on. That's a good point. Let's check if that's true. Because I got the impression that they had been arrested there. Oh, I see. No, yeah, arrested in Thailand.

That's what I'm saying. Oh, fair see. No, yeah, arrested in Thailand. That's what I'm saying. Oh, fair enough, fair enough. Fair. Phil, the one thing you can say about these guys is that they were there. Police Colonel Chumpul Pumphuang said Very, a valiant effort,

Pierre, and I think he did pretty well, actually. Pumphuang? I've, uh, yeah yeah do you think it would be poing or poong poong what is poong um ryan mcpherson told them he found the items at a bangkok night market night market i mean you can get all kinds of things at southeast asian night markets yeah but i'd be worried if you said to me, do you want to see what I found at the Bangkok market? Never mind the night market.

Oh, yeah, the night markets are the place to be. Yeah? You don't know about night markets? Phil, do I sound like a man who knows about night markets? I don't know. You know your stuff? You read a lot? night markets i don't know your your you know your stuff you read a lot well that's thus far night markets have not come up oh interesting yeah well it is what it says on

the tin it's a market at night and you walk around and you can buy all sorts of things and it's it's a farmer's market for stoners who can't get up in time basically that's the ideal market for people in our industry actually so it's a sincere market it's not like a kind of crazy nighttime version of a market where it's all dildos oh no no shit yes it's a sincere market as sincere as the market can be yeah it's a normal market it's just at night okay and there'll be there'll be like knockoff handbags and probably some horrible animals in cages

uh no to my to my ears it was like someone saying guess what I found down by the docks and you go uh oh and then if they said guess what I found down by the night docks yeah that does sound worse special docks they set up for things that are too evil

and sinful for the touch of daylight god damn um but i think that's why thailand is like that because like vietnam might be like a lovely place to go backpacking but it's still run by a regime you know it's still a communist dictatorship. That's true. But I at least appreciate the dictatorships that respect the traveler. That respect the tourist. You know what I mean?

That's a Rubicon that mustn't be crossed. Yeah, it's a uniquely... Are there many countries that can nail that it's quite difficult i'd say most of them are in southeast asia and then there's the like one or two in the middle east yeah yeah exactly because even in the middle east every now and then you'll get in the british press at least some guy called you know you know barry whatever who's been caught fucking his girlfriend on a beach somewhere

like Dubai and they're being whipped to bits or whatever whipped to absolute bits or like someone who didn't take a warning seriously and decided to just go and have a cigarette on the sacred thing

like that always seems to happen someone just like completely ignoring all advice and um you can still come a cropper and say even Dubai say if you're not careful yeah don't be seen

holding someone's hand or anything no crazy like that no no um uh I'm just looking at crazy like that. No. I'm just looking at the BAFTAs happened last night. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. The Billy BAFTAs. Little Billy BAFTA. Now I haven't seen any of this

stuff yet Phil but you and I are in you and I are in comedy and I've seen both praise and scorn heaped upon Rebel Wilson's gags. Oh, really? Yeah. I've not watched.

I don't really partake in awards things. I don't really... It just doesn't really interest me. Yeah. But I should... Okay, I should watch the gags at some point. Yeah, I've just seen a lot of... What are people saying?

Well, I've seen the usual, like, oh, who wrote those? Jesus fucking Christ. The Daily Mail. Daily Mail says, oh, Rebel Wilson's toe-curling cringe fest. Yeah, but then that's the Daily Mail, so you go, oh, they were quite good then.

Yeah, they probably just don't like that she's from Australia but then like Rebel Wilson like New York Post which is a shit rag I know but they're like oh she said they said she's the worst ever blah blah blah oh it's just a bunch of tweets again okay Piers Morgan didn't like

it either so I guess they must have been pretty good. There's a video of her... The BBC's YouTube channel has a video of her hosting BAFTAs, but the title they've given, the BBC is obsessed with Rebel Wilson hosting this year's BAFTA Film Awards crying, laughing emoji. No! Not the B. The B BBC has titled something

obsessed with. The BBC they've gone full... who's obsessed lady again? Oh god Stacey Dooley they've gone full Dooley. Never go full Dooley. Not if you're an anonymous British institution It's so sad

When the BBC posts shit like this Obsessed with I mean Maybe on the Instagram Maybe on their I don't know TikTok, the BBC have TikTok But not on your YouTube channel

The BBC Obsessed But not on your YouTube channel The BBC Obsessed With rebel Well said Hossam is Your Bafta Thumb about

Yas Pay your Licence for Payat Obsessed With Baftas That's so

Embarrassing The poor BBC I love the BBC But stop embarrassing Your, auntie. Auntie, please. Just like every auntie, Pierre, the BBC has discovered emojis, unfortunately. The BBC's auntie

has had a bit of wine and now emojis are flying around like you wouldn't believe and there are casualties um i'm just looking at photographs of the the cast um from my beloved west side story 2021 with the lovely rachel zegler ariana DeBose who plays Anita She won Best Supporting Actress I'm glad the movie got something Now here

The two ladies in that movie They wore a blue dress And a yellow dress The colours of the Ukrainian flag I think that'll help I think that will help Almost as much as an anti-tank missile I think it'll help I think that will help almost as much As an anti-tank missile I think it'll help more Pierre

Do you think? Three anti-tank missiles? Yeah at least three I think Can you imagine the Russian soldiers On the conscripts On the front lines On the perimeter of Kiev

They didn't even know they were getting into a war. But they're ready to fight and then they open their phones and they watch. They've seen a notification come up. It says, and they're like, okay, I will look at this.

I would like also to become obsessed. And they follow. They go down a link spiral. And then they see. They see the two female stars of West Side Story 2021. Ariana DeBose and Rachel Zegler wearing blue and yellow. So not explicitly the Ukrainian flag,

but together you can sort of imagine they intended to do this. And you can imagine him going, well, if West Side's story is not on our side, I am not on our side. Calling across to the next frozen trench. Sergei, have you seen Baptist? He's bad news. Well, Rebel Wilson, yes, I heard. No heard no no it's a different thing it is we should have story and the BAFTA for the best actor

goes to Benedict Cumberbatch Pat oh my god oh gosh um yes well thank you thank you so much to the academy and it's such a privilege to a best actor for my portrayal of Postman Pat in Pat, the gritty retelling of the Pat story. This film, the second I saw the script, I just knew I had to be in it.

I knew that this was a story that needed to be told about a man named Pat who was a postman. It's a story of our time. It's a story of where masculinity sits in the 21st century in a small town that needs its post you know the story it's a story about everyone you know on surface you might you might think postman pat well that's a story of of a postman named pat and at most him and his black and white cat but it's the it's the interplay of those two characters with each other

and Olivia Colman as the cat I mean of course fantastic she really brought that cat to life I thought but the story it's about more than post the story of Postman Pat

it's about a man with a duty, a duty to give a small town of people. Well, there's no other word for it. They're people. And give them their post. But it's not easy because, you know, the song goes early in the morning when the day is dawning. But I think what people didn't really appreciate in previous tellings of the story is just how early in the morning Pat had to get up to get in his red Royal Mail van.

And so I'd like to thank the Academy. Please keep telling these important stories. And please tip your postman. Thank you very much. Good night. Olivia, thank you. Love you. You're the best.

No need to show everyone your anus, Olivia. You're not a cat anymore. We're finished. We're finished filming. We're finished. It's all right. Just sit back down. Here you go.

If someone, if, well, I mean, you can literally do this, Phil. Are you, well, I mean, I know the answer to this, I would imagine, but I would not imagine that you're a squeamish man when it comes to the idea of like, oh, money I donate to the Ukrainian government they might spend on weaponry. No, I presume that was the point. I've donated to the Red Cross myself. Yes.

But I would, I have, no, I don't think I have any, any qualms? Is that the word? Qualms, sure. If donating straight to the, straight to the military effort. Qualms is one of the, people always don't have qualms? Is that the word? Qualms, sure. If donating straight to the military effort. Qualms is one of those...

People always don't have qualms. People very rarely have qualms. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, no one ever goes, sorry guys, just quickly, I've got qualms about this. Sorry guys, I just have one or two qualms that I'd like to suffer before we go any further here.

No, I just saw that... Just walking up to a couple of girls at a bar ladies could you settle a qualm so my friend over here thinks that a video where a guy with a little waistcoat and a sequined tie is going what you're going to want to do is you're going to want to go up to these chicks and ask them if they've got any

qualms that you can help solve and then bust out the old card trick. Would you ladies have any qualms if I showed you this card trick? How many women

do you think have gone to their friend there was this guy at the bar last night and he was doing all these card tricks and all this and then they didn't know like the friend had to be like that's a thing that's a phenomenon oh yeah i remember a few years ago someone i knew a gal i knew post on facebook which really dates this story oh wow um was she 87 was she posting all in capitals Under a local ad for a used car? No this was like Must have been the final days

Of millennial Facebook Sure And she posted like A couple of guys came over Might even have been our friend and a comedy writer katie story actually posted once no going i think i think so yeah a couple she was out with some gals on a hendu or something and she's like a couple of guys came over and asked us to settle a bet about something and then they just hung around and then i just posted straight away under it i was like

yeah that's from the game and then upon realising how that looked I added another comment I've heard apparently You didn't want to be the guy Who immediately recognises the Mein Kampf quote Page 84 paragraph 2 That's on page 84 of my camp People are going really

Well in the translated edition I have I don't speak German guys Oh man We could ask her about that That's very funny That's very funny to encounter that in the wild as a hen do gosh i'm sure it happens i like i wonder if the game works anymore because i feel like it's all negging it's like just part of popular the popular consciousness now so yeah

do you think that that works it can't work i mean, that would be a great thing is to get someone really, really like Gen Z, Gen Zed to read the game and talk about it. Because it must be like a seduction manual from the 70s to them. Groove on over with your platform shoes and ask if they'd like a beaded necklace. platform shoes and ask if they'd like a beaded necklace. Yeah, I wonder what the Gen Z

the game equivalent would be. Pretty short because they're apparently very sexless. They're a sexless generation. They're sexless, but they're so online, which is where all the filth is. That's true. It's a contrast.

There are people of contrasts, Philip. where all the filth is. That's true. It's a contrast. There are people of contrasts, Philip. There are people, there are a nation of contrasts. Have you read the game? A PDF went around the school. No way. Yeah.

And people examined it, I would say, with the tone of a weary professor. Yeah. And people examined it, I would say, with the tone of a weary professor. Yeah. A weary professor who spent his whole career looking for treasure, looking at yet another promise of treasure. Yeah. So people were interested, and they did read it it but they read it as if to say oh more right like like they were peer reviewing a thesis no like less intense like like if you'd

gone to the professor with like a badly written rumor you know right so they weren't buying it no there was an air of sort of exhausted skepticism of of of young men who had already put a great deal of thought into the various desperate efforts to get ladies to touch them. So the idea that this book written by what appeared to be an extraordinarily camp magician

would be of any use on the Isle of Man was treated with a healthy skepticism. I seen people were interested enough to read it, but with a tone of sort of like, really? Okay, well, I doubt it. I don't think there's any treasure under that mountain.

I think that's just an old local myth. Sure, sure, sure. Yeah. I read it very casually in one sitting. Well, I think it was probably, I think I read it like over two days sitting well I think it was probably I think I read it like over two days two or three days

or something really you're allowed I was just staying I was staying for like gigs up in Manchester with someone

and they just happened to have it and so I just had to read it before I going back in essence it just says confidence is attractive. That's literally the whole book, really.

Yeah. I remember the thing that we thought was the least likely to work was there was the whole there's a whole section on peacocking. Yeah. Well, you have to wear something exuberant, something that stands out, even if it's silly. Looking silly is better than looking normal. Yeah. stands out even if it's silly looking silly is better than looking normal yeah you're still negative attention can be turned into positive attention and you can sort of get away with

wearing a sequined waistcoat or like a big white shoes or something or like a leather hat or something mad like that and yeah a very loud clothing but not all of it just like one particular item or and we all just sort of thought that sounds like you're gonna get beaten up by by some men so strangers in a bar will want to touch you but not the way look beggar's gonna be chooses pierre the the book promised skin on skin contact and a punch to the face qualifies that technically it'll be very pierre the the book promised skin on skin contact and a punch to the face qualifies that technically it'll be very funny if the whole book was written that ambiguously have you ever wanted to go to a bar and just have a stranger touch their flesh onto

yours repeatedly you're okay i think i'm getting a positive version of this in my mind go to the biggest guy and grab his ass and call him a little girl. You'll be amazed with the results. Go to the biggest, meanest guy in there and take off his diamante trilby and throw it to the ground.

And then show him his card. And then now you're the pickup artist. That would be funny to see a pickup artist in prison operating the same system just in like the cafeteria or the yard. Yeah, when a pickup artist goes, their advice if they ever go to prison is, the first day in prison, you've got to go straight to the biggest, toughest guy there

and pick him up. You have to get him to sleep with you. You've got to go straight over to whatever gang it is that runs the joint, Aryan Brotherhood, whatever, and ask them to settle a qualm and do a magic trick. They'll protect you in exchange for more magic. Poor pickup artists. I think I feel like the day is over.

I wonder if anyone's taken the place of the pickup artists. Surely a bunch of them are in prison now for sex crimes. Do you reckon? Come on. Surely. Surely. They've got that stank all over them man yeah yeah oh yeah the me too movement must have been can you imagine it must have decimated the pickup artist world

yeah yeah i mean it's pretty much about them right i guess yeah yeah there's a few of them in self-styled in jail yeah is that true yeah there's a bunch of well i mean like there's people who call them that it seems to all be about the same guy who Oh, yeah. Mystery. Mystery, that's right. Mystery got... He's one of the main guys in the game, and he got his own reality TV show after it. Oh, my God. Dude, he's 50 now.

I'm going to look him up. What the fuck? These guys... He's got a little goatee and a cowboy hat in his picture. Oh, yeah. Mystery is a Canadian pickup artist who developed a system of attracting women called the Mystery Method.

It just sounds like a bad idea. He's getting a VH1 show called The Pickup Artist I don't know what that show was like The Pickup Artist Neil Strauss that's who wrote about this stuff yeah he wrote the game

yes that's right oh yes oh there you go yeah under the tutelage of this guy a book about his transformation into style. Isn't that amazing? What would your cool name be, Phil? What would my pick-up name be? That's good.

So we have mystery, we have style. Steve P. Rasputin. And then it just says Ross Jeffries. That doesn't seem... That doesn't seem in the spirit of things. So my... My pick-up artist... My pick-up artist name would be...

Maybe, like, Suave. Hey, I'm... Or is it bad to have an adjective? Style, mystery. It needs to be a noun. It needs to be an abstract noun I don't know. Style, mystery. It needs to be a noun. It needs to be a noun. It needs to be an abstract noun, doesn't it? Yeah.

I would call myself... Stable. I'm stable. I'm stable. But that's also an adjective. I would be... Oh, no. I've just gone for another adjective. Unless you mean a stable of a horse. Of horses. Maybe that's also an adjective. I would be... Oh, no, I've just gone for another adjective.

Unless you mean a stable of a horse. Of horses. Maybe that's what I mean, yeah. Yeah, I'm full of sort of... Poo. Potential and poo and sort of restrained physical power. I'm stable. Oh, okay.

I'd be a cheese board. Cheese board is good. Yeah, I'd say, hi, I'm cheese board. People would be like, why? And I'd be like, what, do you like cheese boards? That's what I thought. Everyone likes cheese boards. And then I'd go and say, I'm lactose intolerant and everyone would go like that and i would say i don't mind if you have diarrhea and everyone go away and they clamp

and then you do and then you whip out like a bunch of cheeses different cheeses and say pick a cheese any cheese and you found them out like yeah bunch of cheeses, different cheeses and say, pick a cheese, any cheese. And you fan them out like cards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little slice of shit. And you pull out the Kraft slice from behind the girl's ear and everyone's like, whoa! And she gets all coquettish and shy and impressed.

Yeah, and I do all the cheese puns of which there are, of course, hundreds. Yeah, fantastic. Yeah, people would be really pleased I'd come to the event Strauss released a board game slash party game as a follow up wow

wow you need to roll a 5 or above to nag this lady successfully. In October 2015, he said of the community that there are some really damaged people with hateful and distorted views of reality gathering other people who share those views. Well, yes. Oh, here we go. In the search for pickup artist, one of the people also ask sections,

how do you tell if a guy is a pickup artist? This is quite good. You better be able to tell if he's peacocking right. They've made a little list here. Okay. Number one, he uses shock tactics. This could be anything from jumping in front of you on the street. What?

To grabbing your hand at the club to apparently mock choking you? Dot, dot, dot, question mark. Ooh. I would say that's a shock tactic. Whatever the method, the aim is to get your attention, yeah. Leaping out in front of you in the street. Just jumping in front of you in the street. Just jumping in front of you in the street. You want a drink?

That would... Number two. I'd be instantly... I don't know about you people, but I'd be instantly attracted to that man. I would be attracted to that man and I would trust him. Number two. he insults you

this is a classic this is one of the more obvious and repugnant moves in the playbook shock tactics number three he recites lines from a playbook does he sound rehearsed if so it's probably because he is he has either practiced these lines

before, or he's practicing them right now. Number four. He hits on other women. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, well that's okay. Yeah, he's a pickup artist. Yeah. He behaves like as if he's some sort of artist picking up.

He oozes false confidence Well I mean I feel like if you can detect The confidence is false you don't need this list Yeah you're already there aren't you really You can see through the matrix already You don't need Morpheus Can you ooze false confidence I don't need Morpheus Can you ooze false confidence? Ooze an illusion?

I don't think false confidence Can leave the body in any other way Actually Only ooze Spotting fake confidence Is just like spotting a fake Chanel bag It might look real on the surface But when you get a glimpse of what's inside, you know that shit is fake.

Oh my lord. He, um... Okay, so Strauss' dissatisfaction with his appearance led to him to do all this. And his descriptions of himself are, like, insane. Like, he's a pretty, you know, handsome looking fella. his appearance led to him to do all this and his descriptions of himself are like insane like he's a pretty you know handsome looking fella yeah in the pictures i'm looking at here and he's talking about a i have indentations on either side of my forehead which i like to

believe add character to my face though i've never actually received a compliment on them what i mean that's just your skull, isn't it? Yeah, but also, like, no one's going to go, I like your head indents. Hey, Neil, those... Did you get new indents? Neil, can I just say, I love the indents on either side of your skull,

and I believe they add character to your face. Anyway, I'm off to go back to the lab because I'm a robot who has been built to compliment people Don't jump in front of me On the street now I won't be able to restrain myself I'll fall for you

I don't have time to fall for you again You indented Romeo you Well I think we need to pick up Some correspondence Yes Yes

Correspondence So this is We're starting with a pretty vivid one here Phil But it's one that I think you'll find interesting If only from a biological point of view And it's from Luke Luke Don't spook us

By jumping out in front of us in the street suddenly. No, Luke. Please, do not grab my hand and neg my dress. Weirdly, the subject line of Luke's email is forward colon a stinky secret. I don't know if someone's forwarded it. I don't think they have. But it's a funny thing to do. Dear pay and Pal.

Nice! I like that one. That's pretty good. I would like to share with you a secret. A stinky secret. A secret that lies within the depths of my anus. This is not going to be a story of a one-off time which resulted in me soiling my garments.

This is a tale of what has happened to me most days for my entire life and I have never told anyone. Oh, wow. Yes. A Bud Pod exclusive. Yes. It's an expulsive. It's an expulsive.

I have what I can only describe as a problem with my anus. Not a serious medical condition, but a problem nonetheless. Either my... We just don't get on. Yeah, yeah. We just don't see eye to eye. Ha ha! Nice. The problem

is, he says, either my turds are too big for my asshole, or my asshole is too says Either my turds are too big for my asshole Or my asshole is too small for my turds Yeah Four and two twos Yeah Six and two threes That's the sum isn't it Or is it four and two twos

No six and two threes Wait what Well the phrase when you say two things that are just a different way of describing the same thing you say oh it's six and two threes oh i know six of one half a dozen of the other okay it sounds like there are options available yes an infinite number of options actually maybe maybe so he says this means it's always quite a battle physically and mentally to take a dump. Mentally, yeah.

Mentally, yeah. Like Charles Xavier. Just touching his temples. Poor Luke. Alas, the side effects of the issue do not end here. If I am at what I would describe as a healthy level of hydration, the process is easier. However, this comes at a cost.

Now, this is where I'm not sure if this is quite biologically correct, but Phil, listen to this and see what you think. Okay. So he says, the process is easier if he's at a healthier level of hydration.

However, this comes at a cost. My tight little ass seemingly peels A mushy layer of crap Off the log as it departs Fucking hell I mean I don't think That's how the constitution of a

Of a poo works It's not like a banana I don't think there's It's not like a banana. It's not icing on a different thing. Bloody hell. But hey, look, this is Luke's lived experience. We should listen to that. We should respect that.

So his kind of homemade theory here is that his quote, tight little ass is kind of peeling a layer off as the thing goes out. And he says, this then congregates inside my asshole and very slowly over time seeps out.

I don't think that's what's happening, surely. Surely not. He says, when this happens... You might just have a leaky... Although, but then, why would such a famously tight asshole be leaky? That doesn't scan either. Your Honor, my client would like to plead guilty.

That's like the moment where you've turned the case. Oh, right. I see, I see, I see. Just immediately plead guilty. Just one more thing, Luke. Why would such a tight asshole leak anything at all?

Oh, he goes, oh, he's right. You say that you've got a tight asshole. Well, yes, that's right, Mr. Columbo. The tightest in town. Oh, okay. Well, congratulations. Wait a minute. Just one more thing before I leave.

Congratulations. Well, congratulations He's lighting his cigar and walking away Why would such a tight asshole be leaking all over town then? Ah, just a question that occurred to me It might just be nothing So He says This then congregates inside my ass

And very slowly over time seeps out When this happens no level of wiping can get my ass clean As there is a poopy reservoir constantly feeding it Gosh He claims I have previously gone through almost a whole roll of toilet paper To no avail Surely not Luke

I mean it does We've all been there It does happen that from time to time You have like a Mary Poppins asshole that will not stop. Like you could wipe it forever and eventually... Does Frank Skinner have a joke? Like eventually he just goes, ah, I give up. It's after like three or five where he's just shouting at his own ass,

I have appointments. at his own ass i have appointments and there's a very good joke in parks and rec where i think it got cut it's a blooper and it's uh andy saying to a doctor is it a problem that sometimes when i wipe my ass it's like wiping a marker pen yeah that's good yeah so then luke says or i'm lured into a false sense of security by my ass tricking me into thinking it's clean only to get a sharp itching feeling 10 minutes later yeah so that so okay now this is so that's if he's hydrated right right so that's if he's hydrated so he says he says if I'm dehydrated, I don't have this problem, however. The process of pooping is a lot more intense, and I'm dehydrated, which gives me chronic migraines. Which leaves me no other option but to live life with a seemingly constantly stinky, itchy, poopy butthole.

What does that have to do with being dehydrated? If he's dehydrated, they're like rock-hard turds, he's saying. Right. Oh, man. Poor Luke. Hence his scraping layers theory, which, again, you and I share a natural skepticism of.

Yeah, I do. Just because it doesn't make physical sense. Luke says, hope my tortuous tale has brought humor to the Budpod community and has made you feel grateful for your clean asses. Jacking it leisurely, Luke. Hey, don't you don't know my ass.

You don't know it's clean. It's true. Don't speak about things you do not understand. Why would you lay these problems upon an already troubled ass? That's bad bad I wonder is that asshole loosening surgery

I mean then probably but then I guess I don't know before we suggest that Luke start wearing a butt plug that is what I'm suggesting I would say that he needs to consider a higher fiber diet.

Yes, yes. It sounds like that might be a problem. But if it's truly a problem with just the size of his aperture, the fiber might not be enough. No, but I'm saying that he's getting this buildup of these huge shits because the stuff's not be enough no but I'm saying that like he's getting this build up of these huge shits because the stuff's not moving through quickly enough it just requires such a critical mass to be

to charge the laser so to speak but the bottleneck is the asshole it doesn't matter how regular he is no because if it's regular it won't be as big by definition that's why people get impacted bowels. Oh, I see what you're saying. I see, I see.

You've got to keep the tram system moving. The cars go through one at a time, you know, down the old highway. Yeah, it's like when the train stops and they say we're doing this to regulate the service. Yes, exactly. And I think someone who doesn't need a lot of fiber but still has the right amount of water probably has more physically unsound shits. I'm saying that could give him what he's doing, the fortitude to not have this whole scraping issue he thinks he has I think that's

my suggestion, high fibre diet get into it and keep on with the water my suggestion is the butt plug I must reiterate but you can do both you can do both, bit of butt plug. Yeah. I have to, I must reiterate. Yeah. But you can do both. You can do both. Bit of butt plug, bit of fiber.

Brown bread in the mornings, butt plug at lunch. It's a healthy diet. You could also do with, you know, do you know that they sell poop stools now? Because the best position for a human to poop is with your feet slightly raised. Yeah. And you sort of like bent over so that should help if you get a poop stool yeah get one of those to put your feet on lifty boys that might help yeah yeah the best position to shit in for a human is like a little kid watching a frightening episode of doctor who yeah hugging the knees yeah god i hope that we are being helpful to luke there because that does sound

like a hellish uh catch 22 he's in yeah that's not nice it's not nice to fear your poos i used to i feared my poos when i was a kid and you know you're in constant fear of yourself yeah yeah fear your own own butthole. If he doesn't drink coffee, maybe a little coffee will help. I mean, in general, if he just tries to have diarrhea all the time, that should really... That should help. Yeah. I mean, it's something.

It's something to think about for Luke. It's something. It's a little food for thought. We'll end on something... Some high-fiber food for thought. We'll end on something, some high fibre food for thought. We'll end on something more wholesome from Lindsay. Oh, Lindsay! Gosh.

Wow, Lindsay's hard. Bin me! Because I'm so bad at coming up with a rhyme. Put me in the bin. So Lindsay says Dear Tella Novelli and Numberwang Nice I like Tella Novelli

Lindsay says Before getting to the tent my favourite Steam achievement Is called Go Outside from the Stanley Parable It requires not playing the game for five years Oh I think I've heard of this achievement Yeah I think I might have it. Oh really.

I definitely got the Stanley Parable and did not complete it. And it could have been as long as five years ago. Oh great. More importantly I feel the need to share the attached tat. I recently became a father for the first time. And my sister bought me this t-shirt. Appallingly in my sleep. Deprived first three months.

I've realised midway through the two days that I'm wearing it i don't quite understand what's just been said appallingly in my sleep deprived first three months i've realized midway through two days that i'm wearing it maybe he didn't realize it was tat oh i see i see okay congratulations on the kid, Lindsay. And congratulations on the tat. Congratulations. So the t-shirt says Far Thor. Okay. So it's father with an O instead of an E. Far Thor. As in God of Thunder?

Yeah, the T is the hammer. Okay, okay. Is it like branded MCU? No. Okay. No. Far Thor. hammer okay okay is it like branded mcu new okay new far original right original nordic thor yeah and it says noun like a dad just way mightier i think that's quite sweet pretty good actually see i think as far as tat goes that's quite sweet and then like a sort of continue the fake dictionary vibe see also handsome exceptional i i have i quite like this t-shirt i have to say lindsey and because because he's a rare male lindsey and the only other male lindsey

that comes to mind is uh lindsey hoyle the speaker of the house i'm still picturing lindsey hoyle yes the speaker of the house um i'm still picturing lindsey hoyle in a t-shirt that says farthor and it's quite sweet yeah yes yeah that's what that's a good thing to picture and he's shouting in his slightly blocked nose way at someone yeah will the honorable member recognise that my T-shirt is heartwarming? That's Lindsay talking to his baby. Will the honourable baby please,

please learn to behave itself? I'd like to hear what your mother has to say and the country deserves to hear it. So the right honourable baby will please settle down and relearn its decorum

that applies in the house. Miss, I don't know, wife. And he sits down. Miss wife. And there's a PS. Lindsay says, As an until recently Ettenberger, I go to lots and lots of fringe shows,

30 plus each year. Ooh la la. I'm legally blind, so I get to take a companion to every show. That's nice. Oh. A companion, so that can be any person?

I suppose it could be any person, although maybe he's like your friend and mine excellent comedian Chris McCausland and it's an actual official one oh yes yes yes in that sense but it doesn't have to be I mean me and Chris went

to do some gigs up north and I was sort of his companion on the train for the past few years your show Pierre has been my most highly prized ticket oh that's nice although Philly Philly Wang Wang was a close contender thanks for the great work For the past few years, your show, Pierre, has been my most highly prized ticket. Oh, that's nice. Although Philly Philly Wang Wang was a close contender.

Thanks for the great work. Hope you are back in Edinburgh this year and Koji. Lindsay in Dunfermline. Thank you very much, Lindsay. That's very nice of you. Thank you, Lindsay. I'll wear that second place badge with pride. Great pride. pride well that's

all for this week folks it's time for me and Phil to burrow deep into the Patreon yes so join us please come please I would say I think the bonus episodes have been cracking I reckon

they're very good because we're only really warmed up by this point now and so the bonus part we've gone to do is actually pretty good so if you're not on the Patreon I say get on it baby I would say we have the perfect balance between giving our regular loyal

listeners high quality content for free and then really pulling out the jamon iberico for our guests in the VIP section yeah for sure but I'll see you guys there oh also quickly if anyone is in

Australia specifically the state of Victoria specifically the city of Melbourne I will be performing at the Melbourne Comedy Festival for I think three weeks starting on the 31st. So do go on and get some tickets to my new, it's a new show. It's not Filly Filly Wang Wang.

It's a new show. Lovely. At the Melbourne Comedy Festival. So come on down, Melbourne. Lovely. Very nice. Okay, well, goodbye. Bye-bye.