BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 156 - Phreemasons

Episode Date: March 23, 2022

Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie discuss uncontested tribes, new phones, the Philippines freemasons, fish roe head dreams, sketch is hair eating, correspondence is from Anonymous about tales of woe and farts, Jack's log grab while in flintstones jumper Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod 156. 156! Don't get sick, that's my weak motto. Don't get sick, because I got to fly to Melbourne, Australia on Saturday to do the Melbourne Comedy Festival. Still some tickets remaining for my run, so if you're in the area, do come along. Yeah. But I have to not get Old Coco. I don't want to mug old cocoa.

Old cocoa va-va-voom. I can't catch old cocoa Chanel before I take off. I'm treating life now, Pierre, with a kind of trepidation and nervousness. I feel like I'm back in 2020. and nervousness as... I feel like I'm back in 2020. Yeah, your life now is the biohazard version of a man in an all-white suit eating spaghetti. Bolognese.

Biohazard suit? Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. The level of caution that you've got to... Like people twirling their spaghetti near you. I'm honestly moving around like train carriages trying to find the where the air is moving the most it feels like a grown-up version of um you know when you're when you're a kid you you try not to step on the cracks yes between the tiles step on a crack break your mother's back yeah i feel like that was actually preparing me for the pandemic

And trying to avoid So I'm just like Catch COVID too soon, can't go to Melbourne Yeah Yeah So I'm dodging this shit like Neo Every time I come close to someone There's a group of school kids on the platform on the way here

Yeah That was me talking to them there's a group of school kids on the platform on the way here. Yeah. That was me talking to them. It's you keeping them away from you. Yeah. As I moved down the platform, get away from there. Their gobby mouths. Screaming and coughing.

Yeah, I stood in the train, and a girl sat up to me, just literally just went, and I got up and I just walked away. I love it. And of course, at the entrance to my building, there's a big bat you have to kiss to get in. Yeah. And you managed to... I bribed him. You bribed him.

Yeah, normally I just give him the kiss because it's not worth 60 pounds. Or a half hour argument. Yeah. So you just give him 60 pounds and a half hour argument yeah so you just you know you're giving 60 pounds and you went he went to the same school as those kids yeah yeah yeah and i was like all right batty all right and then i went gone in yeah um yeah man it's it's it's such a fucking bore the pandemic is over until you need to fly somewhere yeah until you need to go somewhere where it's not over yet. It's like daylight savings or something.

What do you mean? Like just time differences and stuff. Oh, it's not summer where I've come from, but it's still summer here. Yeah, yeah. And what I'm worried about now is that all these measures and forms and stuff, I'm starting to get so ingrained that it's going to become like, COVID will have the same legacy as 9-11. Yeah. Of all the, you know, 9-11 gave birth to security theater, as it's called, and COVID's given birth to hygiene theater. Oh, I see.

hygiene theater and i see you know i mean and so like for how many more years are we still going to have to fill in covid forms even part even after it's not a significant threat anymore when it's endemic we're used to it just because institutions need to look like they're doing something about it or they're behaving responsibility like what is the covid equivalent of taking our shoes off before we go into the yeah it's um he gets a lot of stick but it's one of the funniest seinfeld lines it's such a 90s way of being funny yeah where he talks about and the airline security staff were like the security of the airport and the phrase is how about this group of highly motivated individuals yeah it doesn't even need to be a joke there you could just immediately go highly motivated individuals it's such a funny way of describing a knackered knackered looking

old guy yeah he's got a bunch of trays yeah i think patrice o'neill had a similar bit about the tsa which is what they call it the tsa yeah i don't know what that stands for in america this uh the something safety transport safety authority security authority security authority TSA, yeah. I don't know what that stands for in America. Transport Safety Authority? Security Authority or something? Security Authority, yeah. They're security guards, basically. And it's like, this is who we got to fight, the Mujahideen!

It's like, have you seen videos of the Mujahideen? Like, jumping off a cliff with an AK. Yeah. Maybe we will have that for just fucking ages yeah i mean the legacy uh yeah the legacy of of these few years will be you can no longer buy russian caviar yes and you have to fill in a form every time you want to fucking go anywhere and we'll have to explain to like kids oh yeah

it wasn't always the way yeah it's going to be like how people old people now talk about smoking indoors I feel like being able to fly anywhere you want and cough on whoever you want to cough the whole way you could have a hacking cough and get on an international flight and no one would people would be like oh yeah i'm trying

to sleep come on man yeah exactly yeah isn't that funny yeah god i yeah well i mean i think you'll make it to melbourne thank you you're cautious uh cautious catherine i'm cautious and I've also I'm still a Cocoa Virgin I've never ever got it see that is the craziest thing everyone's got it now have you seen the graph

the peak cases now is the same as the peak of the peak ooh la la this is why I'm so nervous every third person you and I know seems to have it

or have it again mmm mmm Gambletron has it yeah or had it Ed Gamble has have it again gambletron has it yeah or had it it gamble has it nish kuma nish has it uh glenmore our friend glen got it um yeah but yeah so i i don't know whether mean me never having got it is both cause for comfort and concern. Comfort in that maybe I just can't get it. But concern in that I'm like,

I'm the American continent in the 1400s. Yeah, yeah. I'm virgin pure land. You're the homeschooled hippie kid with no jabs. Yeah, yeah. First day of uni. I'm just a COVID buffet here. They're completely...

Everything's up for first dibs. You're the COVID equivalent of when in the ice cream shop they open a new tub. Not one scoop has been taken out of that. It's that smooth surface. I'm fresh snow. You're ready for scooping. I'm ready for scooping. surface. I'm fresh snow. You're ready for scooping. I'm ready for scooping.

I'm white, dusty, powdery, fresh snow for COVID to come and do its angels in. Yeah. Yeah, so I'm nervous, but did I tell you about the nurse?

The nurse? At the hospital. No. There was a Filipino nurse, and I knew he was Filipino because I knew from his accent he was Filipino, and I said, oh, he's from the Philippines. And he was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think from that he assumed I was also Filipino.

And I talked about COVID and I said I never got it and then he said he never got it and then he looked around to his left and to his right even I was like listening and watching and he just went I don't think we can get it really yeah I don't think we can get it. And I was like, maybe. Although loads of people in Southeast Asia have. Yeah. But there's also something... You accidentally got into the Filipino Freemasons there.

I don't think we can get it. The Filipinos... Is there a woke way of saying the plural now? Like how you get people saying Latinx? Oh, yeah, the Filipininks. The Filipinks? The Filipinonoks? There's always an X.

There seems to be an X involved. Yeah, yeah. Anyway. Yeah, the new language innovators seem to love an X They love an X and they love saying it's the new way of doing things and then it's only ever done in a series of obscure academic journals

Yes And on Twitter The Latinx thing is particularly interesting because something like 0% of actual Latin American people use it and what really indicates how much of an online thing it is is that no one has actually thought of

or can agree on how to pronounce it because it's only ever read. It's only ever to be written down and typed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a special priestly word. Anyway, them Philippines, right? Yeah. The Philippines.

That would be fine. It's the name of the place, right? The Philippines. But if I use it for the people? Yeah, but then that becomes a bit confusing and ambiguous. Nothing wrong with confusing, everyone. Nothing wrong with that. Anyway, the Filipinos.

Yeah. They'd be the best Freemasons. Why? They're everywhere. That's true. And they're unseen. They're all doing all the hard jobs like cleaning and nursing and taking care of people in old folks' homes. Shipping.

They make up most of shipping crews. Shipping crews. They're in charge of the ships. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Filipinos make the world run. Filipinos? Who run the world? Filipinos.

Yeah. That was the original song. They did scan. They went Filipinos. That's a lot of syllables. Did we just say girls? They went,ina. That's a lot of syllables. Did we just say girls? They went, all right. I guess girls is a term that includes half of Filipinos.

Yeah, if they just got together and created a secret club. Maybe I've said this before, but the number one source of income for the Philippines is money sent home. Yeah, well, there you go. Well, there you go. So that guy, well, there you go. You were accidentally you got a peek behind the curtain. Yes.

Yes, into the powers of the Filipino Freemasons. Yeah, because you were mistaken for one of the brethren. Well, the Freemasons, as they say it. The Freemasons. The Filipino accent, I love it. It's so unique it's like it's there's nothing else like it because it's it's it's like it's a spanish southeast asian which no other country in no other country southeast asia has a spanish influence the closest you have is maybe vietnam cambodia with french but

even then that would be like guys in their 70s. Yeah. Because since then, it's all... And they don't speak French. No. Well, and since then, it's all like briefly American and then just Vietnamese slash Chinese influence. Yeah. Whereas the Philippines are quite Spanish. Yeah.

So they have this kind of... It's almost Mexican, the accent. It's almost stuck on a South American accent. But then with Southeast southeast asian elements as well it's so interesting i mean there's so many accent combos now that are like something out of fan fiction like all the polish people who moved to liverpool uh oh right now there's an accent yeah polish scouser that's a hell of an accent. Yeah. Of course, there's our classic London Italian. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. The best accent, absolutely. It's a my-sin. An amazing accent. If you're going to come in here comparing my accent, the way I'm talking to you, to some sort of Filipino, you're taking my piss, innit? I saw, I've encountered maybe once or twice

in my life a Scottish a Chinese Glaswegian that is mad that's good stuff a Chinese guy with just a hard Scottish accent a Chinese guy who sounds like if you heard him before he came around the corner

you'd brace yourself for a docker. A furious docker from the front row of a Billy Connolly gig. Yeah, yeah. Rabsy Nesbitt's coming. There's something so nice about things like that because it really just does show how we are all... I'm going to sound trite here but we are literally the

same yeah people we just look a bit different yeah uh but like if you bought someone of a complete different genetic makeup in one place they all just sound it's just the same yeah there's a there's a speech by um it's a south african politician he's a white guy but he his first language was Xhosa. And he won an election for a mayoralty, and he just gave his speech in it. And that looks more normal to me than a lot of stuff, but even I can see that it...

He's speaking in fluent Xhosa. Yeah. Just rattling off his victory speech, having been elected by other people of probably not his race who speak that language yeah yeah but like there's a there was these guys there's two guys on the south african rugby team his first language i think is zulu white guys like guys who look like their name should be hans how do you and bruce willis should be killing them how do you get a white south african whose first language is zulu grow up on a farm oh or you grew up in a zulu

village just generally like you're just more exposed to zulu than to english if you Whose first language is Zulu? Grew up on a farm. Oh. Or you grew up in a Zulu village. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Just generally. You're just more exposed to Zulu than to English if you're running around outside in the fucking bush with all the other kids. Yeah. It happens, obviously, it used to be rare, what with the sort of fascist segregation.

But it still happened even then. Hmm. My grandmother's first language was Zulu But that was because of like That was who was taking care of her Was a sort of Zulu maid probably Yeah But it is like visually shocking to people

No sure I mean there are whole genres On YouTube Of white guys Sons Freaks out maybe i've mentioned it before but like all there's one guy who does a lot of them and his his own captions to his video are so self-deprecating it's quite sad they're like chinese people stunned by idiot white fucking moron boy speaking fluent chinese like you're saying that about yourself i saw one which was a white

guy a white american guy who'd learned a bit of ebo oh yeah nigerian language right just and just chatted to some some nigerian like nigerian americans though um and they were just like it was it was one of the few videos that was quite good but then like once once they you got over the initial funny shot of them turning around in the shop, being like, what? Then they were just kind of just pleased, and it was just quite nice.

Yeah. But obviously every video has to be entitled as if, your dick will fly off, rotate, and stick back on upside down after you see this guy saying the alphabet in Mandarin. But also, like, when it's Mandarin, you know, you go, well, I mean, it's one of the major languages of the world. It's not entirely

inconceivable that someone who studies... Oh, a few white people study at uni. The Igbo one is probably a little more surprising, I guess. That's more impressive. Although with the Chinese thing, it is like... It's one of the major languages of the world, it's just mostly in one place. That's true. That's the difference. Yeah. It's one of the major languages of the world. It's just mostly in one place. That's true. That's the difference.

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Meet someone from Argentina, not a surprise. Yeah, it would have to be like a remote tribe somewhere. We're back in Papua New Guinea. Yeah, as we always end up. As we always end up. All roads lead to Papua New Guinea. Yeah. As we always end up. As we always end up. All roads lead to Papua New Guinea. If you want to talk remote tribes and interesting phenomena

and anthropological investigations, by God, you better get your visa for Papua New Guinea. Can you imagine? What was the anthropological society, the anthropological community going to do when Papua New Guinea becomes modernized? They're going to be devastated. When they get a Krispy Kreme.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. There's going to be another 10 years of papers about the impact of that. Then they're fucked. Then they may as well just start doing anthropology on themselves. Which is already a thing, of course. But yeah, they'll finally run out of semi-useful Stone Age behavior analogies.

There was that tribe that killed that Chinese-American Christian missionary. Do you remember? Oh, fuck, yeah. Now, if they'd gone, fuck off, that would have been surprising. I'd have been like, whoa. Get out of here, Jesus boy. Like not only English, but they kind of know what he's selling already. Yeah.

What? Religious DVD wash up here? A battery and a television and a DVD player? Yeah. You'd not be surprised. Yeah, those guys who shoot bows and arrows at that biplane. That Cessna. When was that?

There's that footage of them flying over this island where they weren't sure if there was anyone alive after the tsunami. And it always had this tribe on. And the guy threw a spear at the plane. Wow. Fuck off? Yeah. If you'd faintly heard him going piss off.

You'd be like, oh wow, what? Who went and taught... Someone standing up angrily out of the chair of the anthropology department watching the video who taught them that you fucked it they're supposed to be pure and separate so we could learn get it here johnson yes sir you say some english Yes, sir. You take some English. I didn't mean to. Now time to... Johnson, like, cut to earlier where he's rootling through his bag for his

basic English to uncontacted tribe dialect A to Z sort of phrasebook. Oh no, I brought my uncontacted tribe to English phrasebook. He drops it and they pick it up and run away. Fuck.

They've learned it now. But yeah, it would have to be them or some of the Amazonian ones that they always go on about being uncontacted. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I wonder when we'll get to the point where literally no one in the world has not been in contact with the rest of the world. Yeah, where there really is nowhere to hide.

Yeah. Did you have that as a kid where you realized that, like, you literally just can't really be an explorer? Yeah, I remember very clearly that bit in the Truman Show. Do you remember? There's a bit in the Truman Show where you remember there's a bit in the Truman Show Where they showed Truman as a kid And he's in school

And the teacher's asking what everyone wants to be When they grow up and he goes I want to be an explorer And the teacher goes because of course I've got to keep him In town for the TV show She says only pedophiles are explorers And she's right And she goes, everything's been discovered, sweetheart.

I'm sorry. And he sits back down all sad. I've kind of internalized that. I kind of think, everything has kind of been discovered. The only way that you get explorers on TV now is that they argue that we haven't discovered the specifics. I knew the mangoes were slightly redder in Rind and the seeds developed slightly differently

in this patch of jungle. You go, okay, that's a discovery. I guess you explored that. That's one flavour, the other flavour is but we haven't discovered how this particular white lady interacts with Japan. Yes, oh, in terms of television, absolutely. Oh, yeah, yeah. In terms of media exploring. But we haven't discovered how this particular white lady interacts with Japan. Yes.

Oh, in terms of television, absolutely. Oh, yeah, yeah. In terms of media exploring. Yeah. Academic exploring is just getting more and more specific. But how long are the hairs? Yeah, right. You know.

And TV exploring is more about like, but who's driven a Jeep in Somalia? But also, the last time we sent someone to Somalia or Japan to drive around was 20 years ago, and now they have iPhones. So they're different now. So we need a new different lady. Or a comedian and his mum. Or dad.

Yes, ideally mum, the mum cell. Mum cell. Although I guess Jack Whitehall and his dad... But Jack Whitehall and his dad, he's the exception. Because his dad is like the past. It's comforting. Yes.

As Jeremy Clarkson has become more and more nuanced and thoughtful in his old age, so steppeth forward the champion champion The new champion of that vibe Jack Whitehall's dad Yeah Who himself was some kind of producer Or was he an agent? Yeah, something It's a showbiz family

Yeah, for sure Yeah Yeah, but his job is to wear a Panama hat and say Very uncivilized toilets I mean, he genuinely dresses like he should be riding Being ridden on an elephant between villages. He dresses like the, oh, it's too hot today, guy from The Simpsons. Oh, crap.

He's like a sinister, thin British version of that, basically. Yeah, he looks like he should be at all times on a sedan chair. He looks like the guy who's cynicalynical in a John le Carre novel Or sort of like a British spy movie Yes Not an American spy movie Where the cynical guy has got like a leather jacket And he's like

You think the constitution's gonna save you? Or whatever And he gets karate'd through a window He's the British version Which is Oh how charming Yeah You've got beliefs he looks like the contact in cuba yeah he looks like um how if i if you were an alien or someone who didn't know that pretty

patel is a female british asian name like and you didn't know that and what a female if you knew nothing about her and I said there's a British Conservative government minister and they think these things and have said these things you'd imagine Jack Whitehall's dad if I showed you a picture of her you'd go what?

and then if I showed you a second picture of her with the evil smirk you'd go oh okay I get it picture of her with the evil smirk, you'd go, oh, okay. Oh, I get it. I get it. Right, right, right. Pretty pretty old evil smirk. I love it. How much time do we have left?

I don't know whether to... Another seven minutes. Okay, great. Well, speaking of connectivity, I've got a new phone, and I'm absolutely thrilled, Pierre. Yes, that's true. We did mean to discuss this.

I've got such a new phone. I haven't had a new phone for years, turns out because i'm good at looking after things really i've never lost a phone um i think i've cracked it a little bit but because i got i had got the insurance thing i was fine i i've been so careful with it i went in i just got an iphone 13 pro whoa because i'm a professional professional You're a professional phone caller But that was an upgrade from an iPhone 10 Which I started realising no one had anymore And I went into the shop

The Apple shop And Ayaan Who sorted me out, shout out to Ayaan Apple store, Regent Street, she was brilliant She was like What? An iPhone 10? She couldn't believe it It was so old and she couldn't believe Apple Store, Regent Street. She was brilliant. She was like, what? An iPhone X? She couldn't believe it.

Yeah. It was so old. And she couldn't believe that it was in such good condition. She's like, you really looked after this. She could not believe it. I think I have an iPhone X. Do you? I think so.

Well, join the 21st century, Pierre. Goddamn. I've got 5G now. 5G. Five guys. And yet you worry about getting COVID. And you put the very thing that will give you COVID

right in your pocket. You idiot! Your hip's loaded with magical COVID now. You let it ride in the house. How ironic. Because the transfer took so long because I was so nervous about not transferring all the stuff onto the new phone that Ayaan sat with me for maybe an hour, maybe an hour and a half, just sat in the Apple store just waiting for everything to load.

It's a sick job. Yeah, she was thrilled, to be honest. Her job is to go, well, you've got that phone, and then to wait while the new phone loads. Yeah, and we talked about everything. We talked about, she asked me what I did, and I was like, I'm a comedian.

She's like, really? She's young, she's Gen Z. She doesn't watch that much comedy, though, I don't think. You've got to hire a different Gen Z-er To lip sync your clips on TikTok Yes, that's true Then they'll know who you are Call out for anyone who's willing

You've got to be Gen Z And you must not require me To join TikTok myself Which I'm not ever going to do You've got to do this And you've got to call your account Some bullshit like unofficial Wangang stan account yes yes yes yes yes oh no context no context yes um and uh we spoke about everything when i said i'm community are you famous

and what an absolute hospital pass of a question and i said well you don't know who i am so i guess not and but what's your name she looked me up and she she was amazed i had a wikipedia page oh my god you're so humble and she was thrilled i had a wikipedia page and that you were so humble and i was so humble i always um that's how i always sing at a Skyfall. Oh, yeah. The Skyfall when it crumble. When it Skyfall. When it crumble.

Sounds like Vic Reeves to me. When it crumble. So you were very humble. I was very humble getting my new iPhone. Yeah. And I'm just thrilled. It's fast. And I finally got a phone with like,

I finally got one of the phones that has too many cameras on the back. I've seen them on the tube. The number of cameras that like... That like spied his eyes. Yeah. And they have been linked to like, is it trypophobia?

Yeah, they do. Our friend Jason has it. Jason has trypophobia? Yeah, they do. Our friend Jason has it. Jason has trypophobia. I get it sometimes. Oh, really? There's a couple of really, like, the stuff that would absolutely trigger the fuck out of trypophobia in anyone else, I can get a little taste of it. So it's like lots of little holes bunched together. Yeah.

Like a honeycomb? Yeah. Or like a lotus root? Oh, the lotus root I do find absolutely disgusting. Yeah, that's rough. Really horrible. It's because the holes are so organic and they're not symmetrical. Yes.

So I can look at a mesh grill. Yeah. And it's like, well, it's uniform. It's so clearly a machine thing. Lotus root. Yeah, I get that. I totally get it. And like a lot of little holes

In someone's skin Or something It's like disease It just makes my brain Go disease Run away Yeah Yeah I totally get that

The three cameras Are a bit bug like They're very bug like And they have Triggered trypophobia I mean Bug phone I'm gonna show it to you now

What do you think Do you feel trypophobic They're symmetrical Aren't they Not Are they Yeah I guess so And also they're machine made

It's still a bit It's unpleasant it's still a bit spider eye It's yeah there's something Faintly organic and inorganic at the same time About it there's a bit of uncanny valley there Do you reckon that's part of it is we're programmed to not Like creatures with lots of little eyes Because they tend not to be good news

Yeah there's almost no like There's not like a dick beginning spider it's only one great side effect if it bites you yeah um so yeah probably i mean are there any good creatures with loads of tiny eyes that can sort of leap at you probably not for the human progress no probably not i don't have to i don't think i have trypophobia i mean it's not my favorite thing progress no probably not i don't have trip i don't think i have trypophobia i mean it's not my favorite thing in the world but i think i have something maybe similar and almost opposite yeah which is instead of lots of little holes lots of little blobs so like you know when there's like a little clump of frogs spawn oh yeah when they're all like all like on top of each other yeah i. I don't like that. What about tapioca?

What about bubble tea? Okay, this theory is really falling apart because I love all those things. You love tapioca. I was going to say, I know for a fact how much you love tapioca and bubble tea. Maybe it's just frog spawn then. Yeah, frogs mate.

You're a froggist. I'm a froggist. Yeah, I'm an amphibianist. Caviar, like roe. Love it delicious. I take everything back. It's just frogs. You've just reminded me of a dream I had last night.

Yeah? I keep having these very frustrating dreams where I have to do something and I can't do it. And last night's was I had to extract roe from a fish. Really? Yeah, and I knew I had... It's like a dream from the seventh century and i got to i got to this fish and the row sack had come out yeah and for some reason i thought i won't

deal with this i'll stuff it into the head and stitch that up and take the fish away and then i came and then someone's like i need where's the row and you're like oh the row yeah it's not there i'll stash it back in the head where's the head and i couldn't find the head and i can't i keep i think ever since, maybe since the pandemic started, I've started having these dreams which are just blocks. They're for surreal frustrations.

Are they all fishmonger based? No, they're all sorts of. I had to get a monkfish tail. Just incredibly like gourmet specific fish dreams. Phil, I think you've got to quit and become a fishmonger. I mean. Yeah, the ultimate is I have to do puffer fish sushi.

It's like, oh, God, this is so tough. What is it called again? Fugu. Fugu. Thank you, The Simpsons. Yes, thank you, The Simpsons. Season two. Is it two?

I think it's so early. Yeah, the animation is a bit ropey. Pretty ropey, but Fugu. It's a good one, though. I'm going to guess season two, maybe three. But yeah, I've been having these dreams, which are not, they're not nice dreams, but they're not nightmares. They're just frustration dreams.

I just hit a block and I can't get through them. Like I'm, there's one where it's just underwater and you know, when you're playing a video game and you're underwater and you can't find the exit out of the cave and you just keep bumping against the wall. Oh yeah. It was like that, but it was me.

I just couldn't get out. I wasn't, there wasn't actually any threat of me drowning, but I just couldn't get out. And it's very frustrating. I've had dreams where I'm like, like i'm just trying to get and this is more and more real life just trying to get somewhere through town trying to get a cab or trying to get a tube mine are all travel oh really i think it's because we travel for individual excuse me individual gigs yeah and and the dream in the dream would be like maps aren't loading and i can't get a ride and i just can't go anywhere you know the information boards at train stations yeah just that just unreadable right yeah yeah and you're just really confused and you can't and you just can't get yeah i just can't remember these dreams but there's this

barrier i can't get through something and you just know that you're late but for some reason then the moment never comes where you go well i've missed it i'll just go home yeah that's right it just never goes away yeah you're just late forever. Yeah, yeah. So that's the genre. I think it started with the pandemic. I'd love a fish one, though. A fish one. That's so specific.

I didn't know you knew how to do that to a fish. Well, I don't. In my dreams, I do. Oh, right. Well, in a way, that's odder. So I roughly know where the roe would be. Right, right. Stitch it into the head. Yeah, I don't know why I stitch it.

Just to keep it out of the way genuinely that's like a metaphor from like um like a japanese poem from a thousand years ago yeah or like an organic farming ritual or something you you get a cow's head and stuff it with eggs yeah that's literally something they do with organic wine they they they get like a cow skull and they break eggs into it what yeah yeah Yeah, yeah. There's some weird like... What? Yeah, there's some weird hippie shit in organic wine and stuff. Yeah. What? Why do they do that?

I don't... I really don't know. For good luck? For more nutritious soil? I don't even know. A skull full of eggs? Yeah, a skull of eggs. That's metal as hell.

Is it Gamble who likes organic wine? He likes natural wine. Natural wine. Yeah, organic wine and natural wine are a little... They're not exactly the same. Because I was going to say, that's metal as hell. Yeah, exactly. Skull full of eggs.

Buried in the earth. No wonder Ed likes that. He doesn't care how the wine tastes. He just likes knowing he's drinking the fruit of the skull. Oh, fuck. He just likes knowing he's drinking the fruit of the scalp Oh fuck I'm going to think about that dream for a long time I think Shall we do some correspondence? Yes That's a great dream man Your sister will keep a secret To keep you from Correspondence

That's a great dream man Really about getting eggs out of a fish I do like Fish roe But seriously that dream is like I follow an account that sometimes tweets Japanese Poetry segments

Like from From the 8th century or whatever, 10th century, and that's one of them Stitch the rosack into the fish head Spring is here again Speaking of travelling convenience, I saw this

in a collection of strange Japanese traditional monsters, there's one I can't remember his Japanese name, but it's a wall ghost, and in a collection of strange Japanese traditional monsters. Nice. There's one, I can't remember his Japanese name, but it's a wall ghost. And as you're walking around town at night, sometimes a wall ghost will appear. And it's just a wall that blocks your way.

And then you have to try and find another way around. Really? It's got like eyes, but it doesn't do anything to you. It just looks at you and it just blocks your route. What? And you have to go, I have to go around now And that's the wall ghost That's amazing

Yeah it's pretty good Is that just a joke about being drunk Trying to get home pissed There's not normally a wall here Must be a ghost That's what my dreams have been like The wall ghost yeah a lot of very

it must be lockdown right yeah I think it was lockdown yeah just all these new obstacles to get over and to do normal things yeah maybe that's it well hopefully you'll get to Melbourne obstacles to get over and to do normal things. Yeah, maybe that's it.

Well, hopefully you'll get to Melbourne. So we have... Oh, it's signed off anonymous. Oh! Mysterious. But I can see their name. But he's... That knowledge will die with Pierre. Exactly. I'll take it to my goddamn grave

To Philly Philly Wang Wang And Pierre McNally I don't know why that made me Half so much McNally I don't know what that's a reference to I don't either I just find it funny McNally

There's McNally McNally? That's the policeman in the wire, right? McNally? Yeah The subject line is Tales of Woe and Farts Great, sounds appropriate The new Game of Thrones

A book of woe and farts A book of woe and farts A dance of woe and farts A book of woe and farts A dance of woe and farts Really sad goth dance Just lots of farts To Philly Philly Wang Wang and PM McNelly My first tale concerns a certain mum Hay fever and a bottle

That's quite medieval A certain mum A certain mum It was a day in early summer when i was getting ready to go to a tennis match after school oh la la exciting i wish i got into tennis imagine being a tennis person i'd love to be a tennis person healthy and their little shorts yeah i took i've taken i've had one tennis lesson once did you and the instructor never got back to me i guess i didn't need any more lessons i was too good you were done yeah he said my time here is wasted. I think they actually said there's nothing

I can teach you. Which is a great result for a first lesson. Yeah, yeah. The aforementioned mum suffers from hay fever and was applying eye drops to her eyes. She picked up a bottle from our mantelpiece and poured it in and blinked and then blinked some more. Ow, she said.

Listening to her podcast i listening to your podcast i imagine her thinking that really hurt that really hurt actually little did she know the bottle she so confidently squirted in her eyes contained glue oh no and yet not ordinary glue no it was so good they named it super glue what happened after will stay with me. Crying, swearing, and in an unholy rush to get out of the door and drive to a tennis club. What? So she went on to tennis? If you're wondering what happens when you put super glue in your eye, it ends up as little flakes. My mum was fine, although no doubt a bit worse for wear.

Oh, okay. In my head, I was like, that's your eye gone you can't it's super clear your eyes gone you've glued your eyes now lie in it you've made your bed oh thank goodness thanks fuck for that i guess you blink quickly enough it just makes a little glue layer with your eye wetness also the eyes are really good at dealing with i was rejecting shit getting shit out of there if you think of all the stuff that just flies into your eyes it's really really good your eye is like a busy person striding through a corridor

in a TV show hospital corridor, presidential corridor oh yeah someone on an emergency on one of those beds just dum dum dum sir we need you to not now that's your eye blinking away flakes This is a fun thing

You know that blinking is not just about Not just about Keeping your eyes moist But kind of separating thoughts And breaking up thoughts So when you read Like a little camera You blink just then at the end of your sentence.

You tend to blink at the end of sentences, and also when you read, you find that you blink at full stops. Oh! It's a fun little experiment, actually. It's quite hard to observe yourself without affecting yourself, but you can lightly observe yourself while you read. You'll see that you blink at full stops. And it's kind of a way of your brain sort of just breaking things up in tiny pieces it's

funny um when you think someone's saying something ridiculous to blink loads of them while they're talking yeah that that is funny yeah as if to sort of be like my eyes can't believe how little sense you're making oh it's the equivalent of um it's a computer brain equivalent of a computer going just trying to process what you've just said. Panicking as a kid, you press control alt delete because you think, what am I down now?

I don't know. It doesn't sound good. And you think nothing good sounds like that. Especially when you grew up in a hot country where that just happened all the time

Oh, yeah Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck And that's me blinking What? So that was the tale of Woe Okay W-O-E Yeah, not so

But also, whoa There's glue in my eyes On that summer's day filled with promise Little did I know the sort of man I would turn into Yeah, not so... But also, whoa! Whoa! There's glue in my eyes. Wow. On that summer's day filled with promise, little did I know the sort of man I would turn into. The second story concerns hot chocolate. Need I say more? Yes.

I would say. Yes, I'd say so. Wait, in the superglue story, did he put the glue in or did the mother put the glue in? The mum put the glue right in her own peepers. Oh, yeah. That's right. Okay. That galaxy instant hot chocolate That you get

Yeah nice I proceeded happily to go on a binge With hardly a care in the world For two whole days it was all I drank And it was good It's quite good the galaxy Do you know what's amazing I only managed to find once It's quite good. Do you know what's amazing, which I only ever managed to find once?

It's Clipper's hot chocolate. Fantastic. And you only need hot water, and it's the most delicious, thick, chocolatey hot chocolate. But you can't, it's so, I've not seen it since. Clipper's hot chocolate. They normally do tea, but the hot chocolate's fantastic. When they got powdered milk in there. Maybe there's something terrible in there, and they had to take it off the shelves.

Maybe that's why it's so good and then no one else has achieved it. Oh, we've put crack in the hot chocolate again. Yeah. Emulsifying crack and make it creamy crack. We feed the cows crack, so a bit of crack is in the milk. Imagine a cow on crack.

That'd be great. Like a high-speed lawnmower that'd lift your wagyu up a level we massage our cows and feed them only the finest crack cocaine um uh oh yes okay so he's he's He's drinking hot chocolates Like a fiend He's drinking hot chocolates Yep He? They?

Mm-hmm They? No Whatever He Let's say he For two whole days It was all I drank

And it was good There was many a time I looked off into the distance Drinking my hot chocolate And thought Yum Two whole days Of just hot chocolate is not too much Needless to say, my farts got a little more potent with each cup

I've never drawn a connection between chocolate and farts I guess if you drink only one thing And it's a heavy, dairy-laden If all you drink is hot milk Filled with sugar Yeah, probably not great Stuff's gonna to go wrong. And as I emptied the stuff into my belly,

fart potency reached its peak on the second night when I was in bed. At first, I would duck under the duvet and assess the damage. Oh, God. I would breathe it in. I felt a sense of pride. Pride and amusement at what my body could produce.

It was a superpower that was mine. All mine. It continued. And yet, with each passing windfall, I got more and more disconcerted. I like windfall. Windfall's nice. I got more and more disconcerted. This is my gift. My curse.

Rather than looking into the distance, I now began to panic. Instead of yum, if there ever was, the thought became, I'm gonna be sick. Right, yeah. Too much of a good thing. I had to get out of there. Unfortunately, you can run away from farts and to clean the air, but you can't run away from your own bum. Many a wise man has said the same.

I had the rumblings which could only mean diarrhea. I guess I needed a shit too. In addition to diarrhea? Or in addition to the farting? Has he gone diarrhea hyphen? I guess I needed a shit too. No, there's a lot of full stops happening

so I'm blinking a lot. I'm blinking up a storm here. I thought you just couldn't believe the story. I thought that's why you were blinking that much. Phil, I'm Anthony Bl a storm here. Oh, I thought you just couldn't believe the story. I thought that's why you were blinking up a storm. Phil, I'm Antony Blinken. Whenever they mention foreign secretary or whatever it's called in America, Antony Blinken,

I hear it on the radio as Antony Blinken. Antony Blinken. Yeah, as in Abraham Lincoln. A Blinken. Oh, Antony Blinken. Oh, right. The foreign secretary of the United States, Antony Blinken. Antony Blinken. There you Oh, Antony Blinken. Oh, right. The Foreign Secretary of the United States, Antony Blinken. Antony Blinken.

There you go. Antony Blinken. I'd like to think that's what he says when he's told something unbelievable. Antony Blinken. Antony Blinken Hart. Antony not believing what you're saying. Antony Blinken over here. On the toilet I sat feeling sick

and there I stayed. Farting when I wasn't shitting and shitting when I wasn't farting. Ah, lovely. Looking back on that faithful night I remember that I wasn't sick. Didn't throw up. Oh, okay.

The poo came out and the farts before it remained forever etched in my mind. Pride becomes before a fall, they say. Just so. And like this some things go together. As smoke comes before fire, farts will become often come before shit and a messy

toilet bowl. This is my tale of farts and poo, Anonymous. It is written like a weird medieval... It's quite a weird staccato writing style that Anonymous has adopted here. Yeah, well that's the style of many full stops. It's actually more sort of 20th century American. There's a bit of Hemingway.

Oh, that's a good point, yeah. It's almost beat. It's almost Kerouac. Yeah, he's crossing America, farting in every small town bar he comes to. Have you seen any pictures of Kerouac from that era? I think on the front of the On the Road edition I have is a photo of him from there.

Handsome man. Very handsome. But they all seem to be very handsome, those 20th century American authors. I was reading the last beat guy who's alive was talking about Kerouac and how they fell out and whatever. He's like in his 90s now. It's an interview on The Guardian maybe. Yeah. Apparently Kerouac just ended up living with his mother and dying of booze

yeah they all seem to die of booze eventually well this guy said he thought he was gay like william burroughs right okay yeah there's a lot that are going on but he was so handsome yeah i remember someone posting a picture of him being so handsome on twitter saying like when you read on the road and you're like god every town karawack goes to seems to have an affair with a beautiful woman wow it must be his poems all right no he looks like a drawing of a quarterback right really i'm looking up now yeah look him up now while i clear this next email for nonsense jack karawack young my phone's going to be confused as to why i'm why I'm searching that configuration of words and not BBC Newsreader Young. Oh, there are a couple of absolute stunners on BBC News. That's my main...

Is it? You're like a proper dad now. Yeah. And you've fallen in love with newsreaders. I've been into BBC Newsreaders for a while. I think Sean Williams was the first. Yeah. It's because they're confident and full of information as well Exactly, they're just constantly telling you stuff you don't know

Yeah Which is attractive And they never stumble over their words And there's something maternal I guess About it as well There's something comforting about being on the BBC And their stoicism And their impartiality.

Yeah. There was an attractive quote. Ooh la la! Young Jack Kerouac. Yeah. I mean, in one of these you say he looks like a quarterback. He's literally wearing

like football gear. Oh, there you go. Yeah, good looking chap. We end on a quick email from Jack. Kerouac? Could be. Nicknack Kerouac.

That was his first poem. Nicknack Kerouac? Nicknack Kerouac, give a Jack a poem. Hello, Piddle and Poo. Jack here, founding farter, first-time correspondent. Some notes to remember me to you both. Pierre, via Twitter, I suggested you should stream Age of Empires 2. Sorry? Via Twitter? No, Pierre, via Twitter, I suggested you should stream Age of Empires 2. Sorry?

Via Twitter? No, Pierre, via Twitter. Yeah. I suggested. Oh, these are his... Some notes for us to associate him with real life. Yes, yes, yes. To remember him by.

Okay. He's the one who suggested AoE 2 on Twitter. Thank you for that. That was the correct choice. Phil, I was the only audience member to get your Dane Baptiste punchline to the British Asian Network Joke in Kinabalu, Edinburgh Fringe, 13th 08th 17

I know the joke Although I take Umbridge at the idea that he was the only one to get it I'm not sure other people got it Maybe they just didn't like it Could be they got it and they went, oh we get it alright And they blinked a storm at you We get it too well um i was at the 5 p.m netflix record on saturday with my girlfriend that's how long ago it's so far behind uh and it was great seeing both of

you perform pierre your biltong iberico gams were truly a sight to behold my giant legs boy a small fecal memory for you i must have only been four or five still to behold. Magine legs, boy. Built on my pericardium. A small fecal memory for you. I must have only been four or five, still immersed in my toilet training. It would have been wintertime as I was sporting a very fetching Fred Flintstone jumper. Bright orange with his face knitted onto it.

Love it. Having done the deed, I didn't call for one of my parents, as was the custom at the time. Instead, I looked down upon my creation and I thought, what does that feel like? Ever the inquisitive boy, I reached in and picked it up. Like it was a lumpy log of Play-Doh. Wondering what had taken me so long,

my dad knocked and then barged into the downstairs loo and cried out with great disdain, what are you doing? How old is he at this point? Four, four or five. Probably four. I made to drop the log straight away, but he ushered me over to the cistern and made me plop it back into its watery home. Then a simple matter of a wipe of the bum and a wash of the hands and my sortie into scatological fishing was done.

Lovely use of the word sortie. Sortie. Sortie is a lovely word to use. Koji Jack. A sortie into something. Isn't that really nice very nice well thank you jack and thank you guys for listening yes thank you all one more time if you're in melbourne yep i'm going to be there next week yeah and when this festival starts

it's a wonderful festival i'll be doing about two or three weeks of shows please come along it's a new show so if you've seen Filippino Wang Wang, it will be different stuff. I'll be doing the Fringe. Tickets are on sale for the Edinburgh Fringe. I'll be at the Monkey Barrel. So just go onto

the Monkey Barrel website and click on my name. And also, my stand-up special is still free to view on YouTube over an hour of great chuckles and laughs.

Yes. Free chuckles. Free chuckles. Free chuckles. You didn't do anything wrong Leave chuckles alone Free chuckles Free chuckles

And we will see you guys next week Bye