BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 157 - Land of Milk and Hair

Episode Date: March 30, 2022

Phil is literally a Master Mind! New Zealand wine master mind! Mis en scene, Indiana Jones, evil gameshowsSketch: torture gameshowCorrespondence: Erin's rugby bag, ocean tat poster from Rhys, eating hair Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

it's bud pod 157 157 um come by helen come by helen to my house um um helen lewis helen lewis there you go yes my uh the the writer journalist uh and now so broadcaster helen lewis i'm a big helen lewis fan you love a bit of Helen. I love a bit of Helen. Come by, Helen. She won't. She won't! 157, come by Helen. For some reason, that's not working on her.

No. I get a newsletter. Well, her email newsletter. It's great stuff. All great stuff. Speaking of... Sorry? Would you consider ever having a newsletter? Would that be a lot of pressure?

Weekly thoughts? I suppose this is it This is our audio newsletter Budpod's not so much a podcast As a sort of Audio newsletter really Sort of a periodical for the ears Yeah that's us

We're a weekly audio newsletter. If you received a newsletter that was just about poop and wars. If it was a newsletter about conflicts that someone had used to wipe their ass in an emergency. Well, here's some old news. I can't believe it's taking me so long, but PodBudsman I've seen a couple of weekends ago me on Mastermind

the victory we were all waiting for yes yes I've not brought it up yet because I want to give people time to watch it but I mean you remember when we recorded the podcast while I was in Belfast you were in there

and you were filled with the juice of victory but I couldn't unleash that juice on our listeners. I wasn't allowed. No, you had to keep our listeners dry. Yeah, the juice stayed in my belly. But now I can tell you that I was on Celebrity Mastermind and I was victorious. Victorious.

I got full marks. Full marks. Full marks. Full marks. 10 out of 10 on my specialist subject. Tout le point. All the points. I mean, I was the only one who turned up with his own written notes. I was cramming in the dressing room beforehand.

It was like being back at school. Yeah, it's like being back at school, back at uni. All the other kids who didn't revise. Suffering. Yes. Because, yeah, I'd been studying quite hard. Yeah, you had. And I just really wanted to be sure I got this right.

And I couldn't be more thrilled with the result. You had a book. I had a book. I had my own notes. I was reading around the subject. I had gone around and studied other literature um shout out to our friend freddie yes works with wine and freddie was your obi-wan yeah he made me a little pamphlet to get me going on studying up new zealand wine which was my subject uh kiwi wine kiwi wine And then the general round

General knowledge round I did okay I will always kick myself There's a question about the sun And it's like what element makes up the sun And all I could think of was the letter H I just H It's H but I can't say H

And I was like what's an element with H No Helium And Clive Meyer said hydrogen And you can see me go but I can't say H and I was like what's an element with H no and I just went helium and Clive Meyer said hydrogen and you can see me go no because it's one of those

like you know you know it's hydrogen but it's just like all you have is the letter H and your brain can't fill out the rest that's horrible yeah it's nasty

because I can vouch for the fact that you would have known the sun's made of hydrogen I'm sure you've said that to me hundreds of times i say every time i come to your flat i was like hey pierre sounds made of hydrogen anyway let's get potting every time we leave the flat together you point upwards and go hydrogen all hydrogen 100 you go or you sometimes on a nice day like today i'll say cheers hydrogen thanks and you'll do a double thumbs up

to the sky yeah did you do anything else in the general knowledge there's a history one at the end which you'll kick me for not getting

I can't I can't I can't even remember was it the who is said to have been with Nelson during his final moments oh oh god is said to have been with Nelson during his final moments oh

oh god oh fuck it's the quote kiss me so and so Hardy yeah what Hardy was it Vice Admiral Tom Hardy are you Millie Bourne

what does he say you chose the dark Vice Admiral. Tom Hardy. It's Tom Hardy. Are you really born? What does he say? You chose the dark? Yes, yes, yes. You chose the Navy. I was born in it. Molded by it. Trafalgar.

But that one at the end, I just went, James. And it got a good laugh in the room, which they cut out of Mastermind. No! Okay, that's cunty. That's so cunty. Are they not interested in entertaining people, Mastermind? I got a good laugh in the room, and you cut it out?

Why? I just look stupid now, because now it just goes, James! Who was the blah blah blah? And I go, James! And then it's hard to cut to Clive Myer going,

no. At the end of that round I got a laugh god damn it And I want people to know that People must know I got the laugh It's weird because they kept another laugh But they didn't That was such a nice laugh to end my round on It's because you got full marks on the wine

And they went We gotta take this wang down a peg That was it wasn't it And they were like The last thing we want is to encourage people Laughing at knowledge Well they were laughing at my lack of knowledge I of the questions no it's run by an old teacher because the audience are laughing in a way that was like haha like he knew it was wrong

apparently mastermind was devised by someone who was if not like a holocaust survivor someone who was in the second world war and it's based on sort of world war era uh interrogations oh really yeah it's meant to be like an interrogation it is thomas hardy by the way captain thomas oh wow yeah there you go if you just go to tom hardy they would have gone correct and you would have gone and they would have cut out everything except just you going what element is the sun mainly comprised of just the same clip over and over again and they give you zero that's how you know you've offended the mastermind production staff they're just cutting in a shot of you going and like turning around in your chair

yeah i'm like tim Allen for the whole... Every question. So I've got the trophy now. I'm very proud. I'm slowly collecting celebrity game show trophies. I have, because I have won Richard Osman's House of Games, Pointless Celebrities, Yes, of course.

And now, Musterm And now Must Remind Must Remind So I need to collect the others Which are I mean the hardest will be Celebrity University Challenge And The Celebrity

Oh the Celebrity All of them Celebrity Chase Celebrity blah blah blah Yeah Of the classics I guess I want to get the classics down You want a million pounds?

You want to get that From who wants to be a millionaire? Celebrity That's right yeah I want to do Celebrity blah blah blah Yeah Of the classics I guess I want to get the classics down You want a million pounds? You want to get that From who wants to be a millionaire? Celebrity? That's right yeah I want to do a celebrity Big pile of a million pounds Yeah I want the trophies for all of them I want to catch them all

It says Yeah the creator Bill Wright Drew inspiration from his experiences Of being interrogated by the Gestapo Ah there you go. And he thought, now this is a show. Where are your friends? Wow.

What a show. I sure don't think people want to watch this. I want to learn more about this guy, Bill Wright. That's like, um... That's a pretty ballsy thing to say. You know, we will execute you if you don't answer our questions. I'm going to turn this into a fucking TV show, mate. It'll be trivia.

It's a trivia show. Because you are trivial to me. It was a thrill to be on there, mainly because Mastermind has been in my head ever since I as a teenager i watched the turani sketch the mastermind oh they answer each question from the one behind yeah they're one question behind the subject is answering the question previously asked is that right yes blank and then he asks the next question he goes yes but they but all the questions are

written so that they do they have all the answers have double meanings and they do pertain to the question. They make sense and it's a funny joke. It's a pretty genius sketch. It's very nimble. It's very neat. Yeah, really neat. It's just two Ronnies, like, down. It's such a two Ronnie sketch.

It's, like, really, really tight. I think they almost didn't do it. It was like a cutting room floor sketch. It was Ronnie, not Ronnie corbett ronnie barker would um i think it's him he would send in jokes under a fake name yeah he wrote all sketches under pseudonyms and then they all they all got in because they're all very good and then at some a wrap party he was like oh yeah those are all me by the way yeah he was like i'm i'm alan johnson from such and such lane.

Yeah. I wonder why he did it. Maybe he got more stuff in that way. Maybe. They're like, oh, we know, mix it up a bit,

you know, maybe just being wacky. He's been a wacky jokester. Yeah. And we know all about that Phil in our business. I wish I met Ronnie Colbert. You know, when that year,

when all, all the famous people dying, I think Ronnie Colbert was one of the later ones. And that was the only one really that got me because like I would really like to somehow just said hi to Ronnie Corbett

I think that would have been that would have been cool cool um I'm trying to think there aren't any other celebrity I guess celebrity hunted

you get a trophy for that oh do you get a trophy yeah I only want the ones with the trophy The trophy is that you escape with your life I don't

I think I'd do alright at hunted But you're so large Yeah but I would convince them I was two people in a trench coat

and they'd go that's just one of those old trench coat gags That's just two kids trying to get into a pg-15 yeah do you have a pg-15 parental guidance for 15 year olds yeah what is the thing with the parental guidance is only is it only pg-13 i think it's an american thing is it's always an american voice in my pg-13 it's always american peggy peggy but that's all games isn't it yeah what's peggy sound for parental electronic games industry peggy 15 yeah 15 yeah that's for

games yeah pg pg-13 what is that like i'm 13 but i i'm gonna have to watch this with my parents they can explain that that guy's being comedically wanked off in this, like, scary movie. Yeah, I like the idea of guidance, a parent guiding you. Now, son, what he's doing is he's putting a knife into the man's thigh so he'll tell him where the money is. The pain in his thigh is worse to him in that moment than the pain of revealing where the loot has been hidden. Do you see?

Do you see how torture works, boy? I sure do, Dad. Mom, could you come guide me through drive? I need guiding through the bit where Aung Hlaing stomps a guy's skull into mush. I need guidance for that. Mom, I'm struggling to follow some of the character development arcs

in this Swedish art film that contains brief nudity and mild language and implied drug use? Yeah, it'd be good if the guidance was artistic. You see, that's the mise en scene. There, my boy. Thanks, Dad. What is a mise en scene? I always get this wrong.

So I'm going to look it up to avoid fucking it all up again. Maison Sen. Ain't that the joint when Nicole Kidman does a sexy dancing? In Paris? The Maison Sen? Maison Sen.

That would be a good name for something in a kind of in-jokey way. Oh yeah, the Maison Sen. The Maison Sen. I feel like maybe a movie maker's private club. Yes. Yes! yes oh that would be good mise en scene there we go it's a stage design and

arrangement of actors in a scene for theater or film production both in the visual arts through storyboarding visual theme cinematography so what just the imagery that way it looks the way it looks that way it looks so yeah what's mise en place? That's the other one. Oh no, that's a culinary thing. What's mise en then? Mise. Space en. The E-N.

Yeah, what does that mean? Mise is... Mise en use. Mise en use. Like placing or what is put I think Okay, so what is put in the scene, mise en scene Yeah, the choices

Mise en place Yeah, that must be it then Is plus played? It is now Call the French ambassador We've got news New to ITV5 We've got news. New to ITV5.

Interrogation. The game show. Five contestants are asked trivia questions whilst undergoing awful torture. Brutal interrogation tactics. Name this Beethoven piece whilst being waterboarded. Correct! While enduring sleep deprivation. Who is Jennifer Aniston? I don't remember anymore. Oh no! Two more days of death metal for you!

Who played the guy in EastEnders? And if you don't get this right, the dogs will eat your feet! Is it Ian something? Maybe! Interrogation the game show! You can't actually win! We don't know why we started this. No one wins, everyone is just tortured horribly.

And it doesn't matter if you get the questions right. Maybe it's satire. Maybe we're just nuts I think the French overall Will come to regret that thing Where they decide what is allowed to be French And what's not They have to make a choice There's like an official French

Oh right, the French love to tell people What they can and can't call things. Oh, yeah. Whether it's champagne or the word ha-ha-ha. They must have complete control over everyone's usage. I mean, thank God they just admitted defeat when it came to Le Sandwich. Staging is what it's translated as. Well, Bartholomew's sandwich is named after the Earl of Sandwich.

Yes, but the French didn't call it quelque chose comme deux pièces de pain être, you know, like two pieces of bread with some meat in between, you know. They just took the name. Oh, right. But it's an English word is the point.

Oh, right. Like the French people also say le weekend. Why is that so funny? Because there's, because there's no word for the weekend.

How weird. I remember in school they were like, if you're very old fashioned and like fucking uptight, you could say le fin de le semaine, like the end of the week. Wow.

But that's what I mean. It's like, say sandwich in French without just saying sandwich. Un pièce de bœuf entre deux pièces de pain. I see. Avec un petit, de l'eau de mayonnaise, peut-être.

Le salade is, already, it's nighttime. It's taken you so long. Yeah. Sun down sandwich shops closed um also we should mention we're recording these as part of a block we mentioned it last week but only in the patreon episode because we forgot yeah so if you're if you're listening to this in april and thinking it sounds very marchy this this podcast because it is March. What is that in the background? Is that spring? That sounds like the onset of spring

not the midst of spring. That sounds like things are only just springing in the background. But things have already sprung now. So what the fuck is going on? Well it's because we're doing it in a block because old Filly Filly Wang Wang is off on his travels to Melbourne Comedy Festival.

And then, Al-Amerik. Al-Amerik. America sandwich. Sandwich America. I'm going to America. Doing an itty bitty America tour. A packet size American tour. It's pretty meaty, actually.

It's okay. The New York shows have sold out. Considering you're not American. I'm selling here. It's pretty beefy. It's alright, yeah. The New York shows have, I think, sold out now. But I have an embarrassment of shows, as in many shows, in the city of

Minneapolis in Minnesota. If anyone is in Minnesota, please come down to that, eh? Please. Sure would be great to have you come along to my comedy show. And then my show at the Netflix Comedy Festival in LA on the 7th of May. It's selling quite well. Good thing we're going to put on another show. So come along to that.

Lovely. It's a tell us all the time, Pierre. to put on another show. So come along to that. Lovely. It's a tell us all the time, Pierre. On the coasts, I'm doing fine. Yep. But... America is on Trey Grant's sandwich. Yes. But the bread is the diverse bit.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to be going on the train on the West Coast. American trains. American trains. Amtrak. The Amtrak? The Amt train on the West Coast. American trains. American trains. Amtrak. The Amtrak? The Amtrak.

Joe Biden is obsessed with trains. I took one train last July from upstate New York to New York City. Yeah? Beautiful. Coming down Hudson. Yeah, lovely. They're quite European, actually, the trains. It got a bit of a French vibe.

Really? Yeah. They're all very metal. Maybe I mentioned this at the time. Very metal-yy this is something i'm really struck by when i go to america and maybe new york specifically is just how metal things every there's a lot of metal there's a lot of rivets the subway cars are like chrome shiny metal the trains are just metal everything has to be shiny chrome it's like everyone wants to be in the hell's angels or something but it has to be a train so they try and make the train look like a harley davidson which is that it would

have been the that was what was the most futuristic in the 20s yeah yeah shiny metal that doesn't rust it does feel like you're in the world's fair 1911 exactly yeah whereas in britain it's always been like there's a brief bit of metal and then just do you know what's really fancy? Things looking like a living room. Yes. Carpet. Patterns. Upholstery. Upholstery. And Bakelite. Bakelite looking plastic ass features.

Yeah. Yeah. And then we went straight to glass. Yes. Now we're just glass. And with steel. To be fair. But not super chromey steel steel yeah the new york ones are very chromey and and like a trailer on metal for only trailer everything everything is covered with a finish that would be on it should be on a diner like a roadside diner yes exactly yeah yeah yeah shiny the future is Yeah, everything looks like it's in the Jetsons or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Boo, boo, boo-doo. Everything in America, the future is shiny. And in Britain, the future is sort of... Matte. Upholstered and matte. Sort of matte and carpet. Are you gay? Well, the future is matte.

You won't need sunglasses to look into this bright future. The surface is matte. And there's a brightly patterned carpet to hide stains on the floor. Oh, right, British future. In America, they're so much more optimistic. That's why the future is shiny, glimmering, treasures in the dark. Yeah. But please come buy tickets to that place.

Yes, you better. You can go on philwang.co.uk to get them all. Gotta get them all. If you had to do Mastermind again, what would you choose? I thought about this, Pierre. And I think I might go maybe for a period of batman yes although i think it'd be really hard actually his blue period the blue period he's always blue yeah yeah he's a blue boy well not well i mean not always in the 60s you know he wasn't blue at all he was actually

quite bright and happy was he now there's a question that I'm amazed has never occurred to me. So Adam West Batman. Caped Crusader? Yeah. Were his parents harrowingly murdered in front of him? Or was that added later? No, no, that's always been part of the legends, that his parents were killed. Wow, so that adds an eerie depth to Adam West's kind of slightly eccentric...

Yeah, maybe in a way he's the most mentally disturbed of all of them. Yeah, because he's got on with it. He's fine. and yet he's still the batman he's repressed at all yeah because if batman is upset it makes more sense that he's still batman because you go he hasn't got over it yeah whereas he whereas adam west is like no no i'm fully self-actualized i'm just sticking with this that's weird it's really funny to imagine adam west batman beating a thug up and saying i'm the knight i'm vengeance i'm vengeance as if he's correcting him i thought someone else was no i'm vengeance i'm vengeance i'm the knight with this little uh fucking mask that's got eyebrows on and some of that show is really funny though the the 60s batman movie is really funny

there's like there's a bit where he's on the docks and he's there's a bomb he has to get rid of it's like a big round black bomb like a fizzing fuse a napoleonic era bomb really funny he's running around the docks and he's trying to find a way somewhere to throw it throw it away and he goes one way and there's a mother and her little baby in a pram. He's like, oh. And he runs another way and it's like a parade of nuns. And he just goes, some days you just can't get rid of a bomb. It's very funny. It'd be very funny to find out if the new movie, The Batman, had a comedy writer on staff. Like, it's a tradition.

Yeah, yeah. And it's like, he's just sat there pouring sweat, just going, God, there's not a lot of room for... For gags here. For gags here? Could maybe this happen? And all the other writers are like, no, no. It is a shame that Batman can't be funny at all.

Everyone, no one can laugh at themselves anymore, Phil. It's true. Everything has to be about something. Everything has to be about something. And the something it's about has to be important with a capital I. Have you seen Batman yet? I still haven't seen it I still haven't seen it Because it's so long

That it's actually harder to plan For viewing times in the cinema Yeah it's a pain in the ass Please movie people make movies One hour and a half One hour and a half. One hour and a half. Or just put your hands up and admit that Netflix has won.

And what you really want is to make a series. You want to make a series. Because they cost the same now. So just get over it. Okay, so you do Batman. I don't know what I'd do. It would have to be something that you could just do the research. Did anyone else on the day you recorded do something and tell them their subject?

And you thought, oh, good luck with that. Hubris, I'm asking. Yeah, there's a guy on there from the Great Pottery Throwdown who went for a potter who he liked. And I think choosing a person, like a biography of someone, that's really, really, really hard. Because they can really go for anything

and there's so much you have to learn about in person. Yeah, and a lot of it's not to do with pottery. Yeah, exactly. So whenever someone says I've chosen a person, I'm like, that might be tough. Yeah, you better know the name of their fucking primary school. Yeah, yeah. I would say don't choose a person.

Yeah, choose New Zealand wine. Choose New Zealand wine. But then if I choose Batman, they could ask, like, which colorist did this issue of... Yeah, which colorist is noted for having been the first to suggest Batman's cape be that shade of blue? Mm-hmm. Yeah, they'd really...

That actually does feel like something I should know. You feel a great sense of propriety and responsibility toward the B-man. Yeah. The BM. I'd choose that or maybe West Side Story. That one might be

a little easier. It's still more contained. Yeah. Another Spielberg has reawoken your love of it. I think a movie is actually quite a good way to go. A movie's not a bad way to go. Yeah. Yes, that's true.

Yes, that's true. I wonder. I don't know. But you have to make it one that, ideally maybe one that's an hour and a half, and you've got to be happy to watch it a good few times. Well, you've got to wait where they'll be like, who's the set designer?

Just to fuck with you. Yeah. So on my episode, the person who did the special subject for me was Philippa Dunn, the actress, who's brilliant. Take it down, fill it up. She's wonderful. She's in Motherland.

Philippa Dunn. Irish. Philippa, fill her up and you're done. She's in Motherland. She's an Irish mother in Motherland. Oh, okay. And her subject was The Shining.'re done she's in Motherland she's an Irish mother in Motherland oh okay and her subject was The Shining

Stanley Kubrick's The Shining ooh beefy and one of the questions was when when when Jack Nicholson gets out of the freezer

when he escapes from the freezer what time is it get fucked and Philippa got it she got it right what was it 4.30 out of the freezer when he escapes from the freezer what time is it get fucked and Philippa got it she got it right what was it 4.30

was that significant I don't remember being significant but there must have been a shot of the clock I think do they show time passing by

the clock moving yes because he was in there for hours and hours and then the ghosts come let him out that's it but that's what's scary

about it is that there's no one else who could have let him out other than the sheer force of ghosts yeah so the ghosts must be real therefore they must be real yeah or that the whole hotel is the ghost and it can and it can open doors yeah eerie stuff but that was the kind of and like also the what's the what's the i think one of them is like what is the frequency of the police radio station she calls in oh fuck yeah

it's like K something something something but Philippa got them she that's terrifying she got 9 out of 10 she was she was my main competition

did you win the episode I did win the episode yeah yes yes what would you get out of general knowledge 8, 7

um general knowledge I got 11, I think. But you do more. Oh, okay, right, right, right. There's more time. I know that Richard Herring, our fellow podcaster in arms, is very upset about his...

Yeah, because then he'd break a record and then instantly the next person broke his record. Yeah, by one. And I remember him talking on his podcast about how a lot of the questions he got in general knowledge were like how many inches apart were nelson's eyebrows or whatever you know really hard stuff and then this next person who broke the record in his opinion was being fucking underarm thrown yeah these easy hits yeah yeah yeah yeah it's really funny to be called the smartest person

in the world and then immediately just hear someone go, I'm actually. And you turn around and there's like a hovering brain and you think, oh, fuck. That was a short time on that throne. Yeah. Comedically, you need that to happen to someone who will complain about it. Otherwise, it's not funny.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. That's wasted on a humble person that anecdote one of the questions for some reason one of the questions the question i'm most proud of in the general knowledge round is one that on the surface doesn't seem that hard but every time it comes up with a person everyone who's tried to answer it in front of me have got it wrong yeah which is um What is God's name? No. A minister ending with letters MSP is a minister for the devolved government of which British nation? Scotland.

Yeah. Yeah. But people say Northern Ireland, people say Wales. Really? Yeah. Just in the moment? Yeah.

Those Gestapo tricks. What does MSP stand for? Oh, Wales! Wrong! Let me slap you. Your contempt for regional politics would be undoing. Shall we do some correspondence News Letters Emails

Phone Your sister Correspondence We have an email from Erin Erin Erin Erin Brockovich

Yeah Well yeah Living the true bum bum life is the subject And she says Dear the Thirl And Pierre Plowman The Earl and Plowman No

Well so The Pearl and Piers Plowman Oh I don't know what this is This 1300s literature Oh okay The Pearl's older than that I think John Robbins is a big expert fan

oh so one book is the Pearl and one book is the Plowman well like pieces of writing, Piers Plowman is they're not the right era to be booked, you know what I mean well she says a great Anglo-Saxon literature reference if you're a nerd like me I don't know if it is Anglo-Saxon. I guess it's Anglo-Saxon.

I swear that... Isn't that a bit late? Piers Plowman's later than my period. But then I guess they're written in the vernacular. Anyway. This is besides the point. Erin says, I'm a big girl nerd. Lovely. A glerd.

She's a beglerd. A beglerd. With emphasis on the big, I describe my proportions like a on microsoft word that has been pulled out by the corner so that the height and width are proportional that's how i describe me yes that's how you expand yeah i only expand in proportion i'm a fixed bmp image yeah when you eat your body holds down the shift key and drags the corner yeah i'm a bitmap yeah you can't actually stretch or by dutch standards it's not impressive i think she must be messaging from the netherlands maybe she's dutch otherwise i don't know why she brought it up

no unless unless she unless dutch people are the measure by which she measures everything that's true and they are tall they are big yeah they're tall people. By Dutch standards, it's not impressive, but it's enough that I have physical superiority on every rugby team for whom I have played. Nice. Superiority.

This may seem irrelevant, but firstly, Pierre, I understand the struggle of balancing being a rugby boy and a big old nerd. Thank you. Secondly,

and more importantly, this is relevant to the pinnacle of my bum-bum life. Or tum-tum life, which as you will see is more appropriate. Ah, very good. Living the tum-tum life. I, like several of your correspondents, have a colostomy bag. Wow!

Yes. Yes, this is correspondent number three, maybe, with the colostomy bag? At least three, maybe four. Two, three, four, okay. Three that I can remember easily, But we might be compiling one Uh-huh We have, yeah Since day dot

I have shared the details of my time-to-time life with strangers Doctors and nurses So your podcast is familiar ground for me Very good As I said, I'm a rugby player Pretty much the only thing they say you can't do with a stoma Is play rugby But I thought I'd give it a try

Because people are mushing up against you so much. Oh, they'll pop it like a balloon! They'll knock it right out of you. I invented some padding from foam in a pair of socks. I'm so bold. I'm a giver of colostomy bags or poo bags.

And my teammates got used to pitch-side bag changes. Wow. That's hard to say. Pitch-side bag changes. Pitch-side bag changes. Pitch-side bag changes. Wow. That's hard to say. Pitch-side bag changes. Pitch-side bag changes. Pitch-side bag changes. I'm doing all right. Pitch-side bag changes.

No, you're right. Pitch-side bag changes. But the best shitty story I have to share with this crappy collective happened in training. We were playing grab rugby, where you slow the opposition down with an aggressive cuddle rather than full face and floor tackles. Oh, okay. Some poor innocent lady grabbed a handful of my t-shirt and looked confused at the ripping sound. Resistance in her hand and a look of horror on my face. I have never been shot.

That's a funny thing to say. I have never been shot. Now, before I continue, I want to say I've never been shot. before i continue i want to say i've never been shot yeah all right everyone remember that well now you've said that i'm thinking that you've been shot a lot mr scent i've never been shot but as warm wetness spread immediately across my stomach i clutched my belly action thriller style with the wilhelm scream yeah yeah trying desperately to keep the brown tidal wave from seeping down into my shorts i grabbed my spare supplies begged a t-shirt off a teammate and ran the length of the sports center before

barricading myself in the girls loo if you've ever had a nightmare when you're naked at school you'll know how i felt peeling off a wet bra and pants i changed the bag put on the new t-shirt and went to retrieve my bike i cycled home to clean up properly before my teammates slash housemates returned they found uh they all found it hilarious and apparently the girl who made the tackle still has no idea what actually happened wow this is not the only leak story in my stinky repertoire but it is my favorite my plan is to write a series of sketches about a life of toilet touring but you two seem Wow. This is not the only leak story in my stinky repertoire, but it is my favorite. My plan is to write a series of sketches about a life of toilet touring,

but you two seem to have cornered the market very effectively. But only from the outside, Edwin. That's right. You're on the inside. We are but tourists in your land. We are but humble visitors, your grace. Gosh, that other girl must just still believe she just tore into this...

She thought... The other girl thinks she took off a tit Yeah Or she's like gone right into Erin's stomach Like she's feeding on her guts like a zombie Like Kalima like in Indiana Jones Or like one of those kung fu things Where they take someone's heart out of their chest Yeah yeah yeah

But it wasn't the heart it was sort of the pancreas Yeah For ages she must have thought, how strong am I? I tackled the pancreas out of that woman. I tore that woman's guts out. Kalima, Kalima. Like holding the hand like that. Everything about Indiana Jones is problematic, isn't it?

I've still not seen it. I've started... No, this will make you happy. The only Indiana Jones I've ever seen is The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Oh, my God. Really? Yeah.

Fuck me. That's like... There's a three-course meal and then a huge dump the next day and you've eaten the dump. Yeah, I didn't think much of it i would love to hear if you were annoyed by short round sort of little asian boy who's like a sidekick in one of them in the originals yeah yeah okay yeah okay now i'll watch it if there's a problematic asian character oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i think so yeah there's a lot of Orientalism and...

We're just stealing artifacts from temples where they're supposed to be. That's fine. Inherently. As you get that far now in the pitch, and they go, no. We want a movie about the same guy who brings them back.

This belongs in a museum. It used to be the line that Indiana Jones would say that everyone thought made him a hero now it's like the worst thing you could say Repatriation Jones the Sunday series Repatriation Jones the big adventure is him smashing into the British Museum

and a big boulder of the Queen's head rolling after him an old beefeater's running out going oi oi oi oi oi oi oi oi oi and throwing spearsoulder of the queen's head rolling after him an old beefeaters running out going oh and throwing spears and stuff and he's like the locals are sure are angry i'm taking their artifacts all these sort of bespectacled uh the spectacle nerds going that was on loan they're all like a crowd of them and with tweed yeah but they still look like members of like a tribe yeah and they're all yelling in like

what americans think of as incomprehensible british english oh my oh my piss off piss off and as he as repatriation jones zooms away in a helicopter yeah they're on the ground just like shaking their fists up in the sky going oh my oh my oh my oh my and then and like like fish and chips hitting the window of the helicopter as they're like throwing them and then like and then they all stop and they stop uh the crowd stop and turn away and look at something else and he's like and he looks and it's just the queen like standing like the ice king from Game of Thrones, just bow, just glaring. Glaring up at the helicopter as he returns. What would it be?

Sort of, I don't know, some sort of scimitar to some despoiled capital. Yeah, or like a mask. Yes, a mask. A totem. mask totem totem pole for one man to take a totem pole they're magnificent the totem poles

some of these native Canadian totem poles they're just incredible they're so great the native Canadian stuff is really amazing well i think i was in the yeah i was in the met gallery and um didn't we see some in the museum of scotland as well well we saw in the museum of scotland there's an incredible whale bone yeah that has that was taken in south pacific somewhere. And on the journey back to Liverpool,

I want to say. They scrimshorted. Yeah, they carved... The scene of them getting it. Into the whale bone itself. And it's so beautiful. It's amazing. It's the most problematic item in history.

Best selling. It's a whale's bone. It's a whale's bone. With a colonial scene carved into it. Of its own... Of its own seizure. It's the most problematic. It's like problematic kryptonite.

It's glowing with unacceptable energy. But in the Met Gallery in New York, in the Native American section, there was a bit of, from Canada, I think maybe Nova Scotia, but some of the Native people's there. And I think maybe Nova Scotia, but some of the native peoples there.

And I think it's just like, was it just like a comb or something made out of seal bone or something? It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. It's just stunning. Just so like, it's a minimalist design, but so beautiful. And the proportions are just so, gosh, I need to remember what it was. Yeah, look it up. Erin finishes. Oh, yes. Gosh, I need to remember what it was Yeah, look it up Erin finishes She just says, in my time I've also noticed

That many people save their tat for the downstairs loo An interesting crossover between your two features Ah, that is A good point well made Tats often in the toilet Tat is often in the toilet Anyway, there's always room for more toilet troubles It's funny because we all have to do it

In one way or another. Koji, yours sincerely. That's good. Aaron, very nice. Thank you, Aaron. Lovely stuff. Lovely stuff. Lovely story.

Yes, you're right about Tat being in the toilet. I guess that's where it belongs, really. As close to being flushed away as possible. Tat is as close as a thought can be to being poo. Yeah. Yes. It's mind shit. And it has to be near the toilet. Speaking of,

a few people have been in touch on Instagram. Have you been getting these DMs, Pierre, of a video of some guys at an Airbnb that is full of live laugh love i think i got 11 000 tweets and 50 000 instagram dms thank you for passing those on just want you to know you have been seen you have been you you are seen i see you but this video is incredible it's like it sounds like it's a bunch of guys at an airbnb somewhere it's a lot yeah and it's live laugh love on everything

curtains plates yeah uh towels like just in corridors just in between rooms and stuff yeah on the doormats on on all doors the doormat says live laugh love love laugh live live and they're all in different arrangements and orders fonts yeah it's it's like the all jack and all work and no play bit mixed jacket dull boy bit of the shining just oh we should be going oh god oh god and then turn around and the owner of the airbnb is there with a baseball bat honey die laugh love They beat you to death. What is he saying that bit? He's just like really, he says really horrible shit

to her when he's got that bat. It's just all stuff about how he can't concentrate with her making all this noise. Yeah. Honey? He keeps calling her honey? And then when she gets the bat off him,

she's like, give me the bat. Give me the bat. Give me the bat. Give me the bat. Darling? Darling. Oh, he says, light of my life. Doesn't he say that? Yeah, and then he goes, give me the bat. Give me the bat. Give me the bat. Give me the bat. Darling? Darling. Oh, he says, light of my life.

Doesn't he say that? Yeah, and then he goes, give me the bat. All I'm going to do is I'm going to fucking cave your skull in. Yeah. And he doesn't have the bat at this point. I'm like, don't say that. You want her to give you the bat. Oh, oh, first mistake.

I'm going to cave your fucking skull in. And then she whacks him on the head. And he does a really cartoony oh i don't know if you remember yes he just it really sticks out the the reaction he gets whacked in the head with the baseball bat he does like the eyes up into the skull he goes oh like that and it's more horrible yeah it kind of is something about it is more horrible because it seems like even that is just a part of this horrible monster game he's doing I do remember being horrified where it's like oh god he's admitted

he's not even trying to hide like within his reassuring tone he's saying I'm gonna smash your head in horrible what a frightening man what an angry man you're on holiday it's a great movie It is very good

It is very good Maybe it's due a rewatch Oh sure A quick little bit of tat actually From Reese Reese Reese's Pieces of Tat It's the Reese's Pieces of Tat

I would say Reese's Pieces are The tat's the Reese's Pieces of Tat Tat I would say Reese's Pieces are The tat of the confectionary world Scattered Variable But within a strict theme You know, butter Yeah Dear Paul and Pot

Nice That's funny I've had this tat hanging on the wall of my kitchen Since I moved into this shared house Eight months ago Shared house or shed house? Shared Shared

I only recently stopped to question why it was there Considering the house is over 35 kilometers From the coast Okay I'd be interested to know who put it up A seafaring former housemate who missed the open ocean A busy landlord who had to buy all his decor while holidaying in Bognor Regis? Either way, I refuse to take it down.

So let's have a look. The tat, just downloading. Downloading tat. Siri, download tat. Downloading tat. Tat downloaded. downloading tat siri download tat downloading tat tat downloaded so uh the top says ocean rules okay

ocean rules as in the rules of the ocean not someone who just thinks the ocean's great ocean rules land rules rules for the ocean's great. Yeah. The ocean rules. Ocean rules! Land rules! No, rules for the ocean. That's Poseidon's motto.

Yeah. He's got it tattooed on his back. Rules for the ocean. They're not really rules. They're rules for life, Phil. Right? It's that kind of tat. Okay. And in the picture's a big...

In the middle of the picture... In the middle of the picture... In the middle of the poster's a big crab. Okay. Not a cartoon crab. a sort of a sketch. Okay, like a pencil sketch of a crab? Yeah, I'd say so, from a 1700s biological... Yeah, like Charles Darwin has just discovered a crab.

Absolutely, that's the vibe, yeah. And the picture looks like it's on some planks. Oh, like in the sea, like the sea has. So what do you think the ocean rules are first first line three words avoid blank blank avoid choppy waters it's pun based i'll give you that as a clue it's all ocean puns avoid wet towels. Avoid peer pressure. Okay. Okay. Which is a pun that is... It is a pun, but it doesn't actually work.

No. It doesn't make sense in the literal way. Because there's no version of pressure that makes you want to build a wooden boardwalk or a stone-reinforced key. What I imagine as peer pressure was just a lot of seamen

on a dock, beckoning a ship over saying, come on, dock here! Dock here! You better fucking dock here or you're not cool. Dock here right now! And then the captain of the ship's going, oh, all this peer pressure. That is peer pressure. Don't be a crab.

That's the second one. Okay. I don't even think the Tat Whisperer can whisper these because they really just are out of the depths of the ocean. Very hungover. They must have been. Don't be a crab. Don't be a crab.

We need some more lines for the ocean rules. Don't be a crab. Don't be a crab. Don't be a, and then looked at the artwork on the chat and went, crab. Crab. Don't be a crab He was like don't be a And then looked at the artwork on the chat and went crab Crab don't be a crab What do you mean don't be a crab Like being crabby Yeah but crab

Just say crab Yeah Don't be crabby No say crab Because there's crab on it Yeah Come out of your shell Okay

A bit better Right I mean you wouldn't be being a crab if you came out of shell because the last thing a crab unless it's a hermit killing itself yeah yeah uh take time to coast gibberish take time to coast if i'm coasting i'm taking time inherently take time to take time to coast yeah because what they i guess presume what they're trying to get at what they're trying taking time inherently. Take time to coast. Yeah, because I guess, presume what they're trying to get at, what they're trying to say is take time to relax.

Yeah. But coasting is a very specific thing. Coasting is working in a shit way. In a shit way. In a way that requires no effort. Which isn't exactly relaxing because it's still working. And it's an inherently negative term. Yeah.

No one's ever like, God, I absolutely coasted through that surgery. Yeah. You go, oh, well he'll die then. Or like you lazily did some stitching on the wound. What do you do to the Sunday? Shall we just coast? Yeah, let's just coast. Can we just stay at home and coast? Yeah, let's not not work.

Let's work incompetently to do the bare minimum, which is worse than relaxing. Take time to coast. Don't be a crab. Sea life's beauty. Have they just spelled sea with S-E-A? You got it, baby!

You got it, baby! Sea life's beauty. Well, I mean, out of all of them them and it's a real detriment to the quality the others that's the one that makes the most sense because i guess in a way you could say sea life's beauty it makes sense i guess as a combination of words although not really in context you have to go like yeah enjoy seal the beauty of seas like of sea life uh yeah and you could also interpret the apostrophe s as is. Sea life is beauty. Sea's life.

So, like, the concept of sea life is beauty. It's a bit more esoteric, but this... I'm getting a headache. Don't be a crab. Don't be a crab, Phil. It said it right there on the plank. Last rule, make waves. Make waves. Okay. That one's... Yeah. You can Last rule, make waves. Make waves.

Okay, that one's, yeah. You can't coast and make waves. That's true. The whole point of piloting along the coast is to avoid the waves. As much as is possible. Yeah. Get away from the deep waters. Yeah.

And how can you, can you make waves philosophically without being a crab? Anything that makes big enough waves, some people interpret it as you being a crab, disturbing them. Yeah, but a crab is not big enough to make a wave. No. Let's see. Crabs are carried by waves. I guess maybe a whale can make waves.

A ship could make wakes. The moon. Is a wake enough? The moon. Be the moon. Be the moon. That's what I'm trying to say. Be the moon, not a crab.

Be a natural satellite. Be a natural satellite Be a natural satellite That's a funny I'll tell you one thing about him he's a natural satellite Just a guy sort of running rings around you Non-stop You're a natural at this You know you're a natural satellite Gosh you're a natural satellite

Just spinning He continues I started listening to the pod from the start a short while back And in a very early episode you were discussing both Workout supplements and keratin Keratin, yes I can't remember in what context or episode Because it's taken me weeks to write this email

And thus months to read it And it reminded me of a fun fact that might interest you most pre-workout contains human hair what does that mean most pre-work pre-workout a mixture oh like that you drink that you eat contains human hair the cheapest and easiest source of bcaa branched chain amino acids is hair. And because it isn't classed as an animal product, it can be advertised as vegan, making it a popular choice for creators of workout supplements.

What? The good news, of course, is that if you want to get ripped, you can just eat your own hair. Cheers, Reese. What? Yeah, that seems... I find that very hard to believe. I am aghast and agape at that. Is that true?

It doesn't feel true. It feels like it would be illegal. Can we pull that off? Yeah, also, surely you couldn't harvest enough hair. Yeah, it all goes to wig shops anyway. And it's very expensive. Well, human hair wigs are very expensive. I don't know about the actual raw hair.

Is BCAA made from human hair? This is exactly the website we need. They're widely used by the world's top strength and power athletes. I'm a power athlete. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Is it made from human hair? Is it made from human hair? Is it one of those articles that goes,

the history of of workout supplements is it is an interesting and varied one oh wow regular brown chain amino acids are synthesized from duck feathers kitten fur or even human hair what well pig fur and duck feathers that's a chinese supplement market, though. What? You can get them from Sunflowers. Okay, so it's probably not from that. But there are parts of the world where it is. So kind of.

It could be. Okay. Okay. You get a pass. Snopes rating, somewhat true. Well, thank you very much, everyone, for listening and getting in touch uh yes yes yes time to go to the place where their hair never runs out hot and cold running hair in every home every flavor of hair dark hair milk hair white land of milk and hair land of milk and hair the patreon yeah see you see patrons there see you there bye