BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 158 - Coffin Ammo

Episode Date: April 6, 2022

Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie chat roaches and sleep torture-based game shows, snakes VS bugs in coffins, Japanese companies, the band Coffin Ammo, Sketch is City RoachCorrespondence is Rhys's parody Joker tat, Wine Will's dramatic toilet correction and Mumbai toilet shoes, dictator poo names Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 158. 158. My wife's late. Where is she? I don't know. Do you think if you had a wife, she'd be late? My girlfriend is a late Larry. Oh, she's late to people.

Late to things. I don't think so because i do find lateness quite irritating but she might still do it though should i still do what be late what do you mean in defiance of your feelings well exactly but i presume the question meant so would you get far enough in a relationship to marry someone if they were regularly late to things? And I'm saying it's a real turn off to me. So it's unlikely. So the other factors would have to compensate so heavily.

Yeah. How late though? Because my girlfriend is late to things, but she's not so late that I suspect her of having, say, a substance abuse problem. Sure. Within the 10 minutes. Yeah, I think within 10, 15 say, a substance abuse problem. Sure. It's within the 10 minutes. Yeah, I think within 10, 15 minutes, that's fine.

That's fine. Yeah. Yeah. And I have become more late in my adult years. The thing is, I've discovered you can get away with it. Yeah, that's the worst thing in the world. It's like eating the fruit from the tree in the garden, isn it forbidden fruit lateness mm-hmm that's what god said oh now they know that they could have been late yeah this whole time because of like school and uni and

i did a degree where i had to be places at certain times yeah i did in the lab by certain time so you know a start time meant something and then you're going to get into adult world and a lot of time start time is there's there's room for negotiation yes when especially when you're a freelance adult like us yes freelance adult because you're a freelance adult there's got to be a twist there. The twist is you have to do your own taxes. Yeah. Yeah. You're a freelance adult, substantial financial risk.

Freelance adult is a spin-off from Mechatine, I reckon. That's the next stage of Mechantine. Mechantine grows up into freelance adults because he still wanks as much as he did. Because he's freelance. That's why he's gone freelance, mainly. He looked at the corporate world and went, but when do you wank?

But when do you wank, wank, wank? Like maybe in the evening, but to be honest, you're so tired from a day's work in the city, you get home, you just want to watch TV and go to sleep What? No I always thought Mechateen would be defeated by

Well an intergalactic squid perhaps But not the nine to five Mechateen's greatest enemy Structured time Mechateen is going Freelance lance lance With the power of the enemy structured time. Megatine is going freelance, lance, lance. With the power of the freelance, lance, lance.

And free wanks, wanks, wanks. His new slogan, it's deductible. Yeah. Yes. 158, my wife is late Are you explaining that you're a widower Ah yes

Maybe There would be a slightly odd way of saying it But then why are you telling anyone I suppose My wife's late Well no If someone goes How's your wife And I go well actually my wife's late.

They'd go, well, yeah. You'd be creating more of a problem for yourself. So you'd probably feel pretty bad for yourself now, huh? What? Your wife's late. That's the nurse who rang my father to tell him that his father had passed away. Said, your father is late. No.

Yeah. Really? Well, English wasn't her first language. Oh, okay. She wasn't just a mad Victorian. No. Yeah. Really? Well, English wasn't her first language. Oh, okay. She wasn't just mad Victorian. That's funny. And obviously from context, my dad knew, but still he was like, what?

Dad's late. There's this hilarious running character in Arrested Development. The doctor who keeps describing things In strange ways Yes yeah he'll be alright In case he's lost his left hand Yeah so he'll be alright now

And they just start beating him Eventually they know this is coming He comes in the room and they just go oh not this guy It's so funny It's so funny and Lucille Bluthers just starts Whacking him with her handbag. How did he become a doctor? Why would you say things that way?

It's so funny. So good. Speaking of horrifying things, which we weren't, but speaking of them. Yeah.

Speaking of confusing ways of talking. That'd be a thing. Speaking of squids, we weren't talking about squids. No, but speaking of them. That's a way that you decide what next thing we're going to talk about. No, but speaking of this now, though. You just showed me the trailer for a show that looked like, and I think you should leave, Sketch. Yes, it's a post-apocalyptic style game You just showed me the trailer for a show that looked like And I Think You Should Leave sketch.

Yes, it's a post-apocalyptic style game show that was... They don't say it's that. We think it's that. Oh, okay. It's a show on Netflix called Awake, the million dollar game. Yeah. They don't say it's post-apocalyptic, but it is. It was brought to my attention by some people who I did a job with

who loved it and they're like, you got to see Awake. It's crazy. apocalyptic but it is and it was brought to my attention by some people who i did a job with who loved it loved it and they're like you got to see awake it's crazy the whole premise of awake is five contestants they enter a sort of big hall big room and they're given a table and sacks and sacks of quarters american coins yes and they have to count up these quarters as many as they can over, I think, a 24-hour period. No sleep. No sleep. No sleep. 24-hour period.

They're counting up the coins, and they have to keep a track of how much they're counting in their heads. They can't write it down. They have to just mentally keep a track of how much they've counted in quarters. By the end of the 24 hours, they then take what they've collected to the studio where they then start a game show of taxing mental and physical tasks yeah and little games little games which require you to have like good hand-eye coordination good short-term memory all the stuff that you lose the less sleep you get as you get yeah with sleep deprivation and and so they're exhausted and then by the end if they get through to the end bit they beat all the others they if their guess

of how much money they counted in quarters is right they get to have it i think but then they can bet it all to say they got it right within five dollars oh that's tempting yeah so sometimes they go no i'll stick with it but then they'll still show if they got it and sometimes their guess like one guy his guess was within 50 cents really he'd counted like 40 000 or something fuck and his guess was in 50 cents and he didn't take the he didn't take the gamble but the gamble would have doubled his money he would have got a million dollars instead of the hundred something thousand pot oh i see i see i see okay i get you yeah so if you gamble it all you get a million dollars okay i mean it's supposed it's supposed to it's what i'm surprised by is that it's legal in the US,

because it's like Guantanamo Bay shit. Well, that's the power of the waiver, isn't it? Right, right, right. And Americans will sign a waiver for anything to be on TV, it seems. They love waivers. They love to waive their rights, or they otherwise bang on about 24-7. But for a chance at a game show, those rights, they get waived.

The only thing they love to wave more than their rights is their flag yeah I mean we're recording this still in the pre-Wang holiday block holiday block for you listeners it was last week for us it was just now we were just making a joke

about how much Mastermind is based on interrogations during the war and then the little sketch Guantanamo Bay game show making a joke about how much Mastermind is based on interrogations during the war. And then the little sketch Guantanamo Bay game show. Guantanamo Bay game show? Guantanamo Game? Guantanamo Game!

But this is genuine. Sleep deprivation is torture. Is there any torture that people won't try and make a game show out of For money? Probably not Yeah because physical torture they already do I mean there's something like SAS here Yeah

Well even like fear factor they always say like I don't know if they Do they defang the snakes and stuff They must they can't risk someone Dying They just have a load of anti-venom on hand And they just immediately Just right in your ass. As you're going in the coffin full of snakes.

And then a needle. And if you're afraid of needles, double bad day for you. Double bad day for you, my friend. Could you do a Fear Factor style getting a Perspex tank full of snakes? Could you do it? Snakes, maybe, yeah.

Interesting. I kind of trust snakes in a weird way. I don't like snakes. When I was a kid, I thought snakes were really cool. Now, they give me the heebs, man. Even though I'm near the snake in the Chinese Zodiac. You fear yourself.

Yeah, too similar. Your own power. That's why you're so dry and cool to the touch What I don't like about snakes is that they move really slowly Until they move really quickly Yeah, there's a spider element there too Of like, creepy, creepy It's not nice

I'd find it grosser to be covered in spiders than covered in snakes Because snakes love warmth And if they're kind of noodling all over you then they're probably pretty happy. Because you're warm and they're just hanging out. But then the tongue's going... I'd take spiders over snakes. Would you?

Yeah. I'd take bugs. I don't mind a bug. I really don't mind a bug. I hate a bug. Really, I don't mind a bug because they're dry and they're exoskeletons. But they lay eggs in places and stuff, you know?

Yeah. Bugs to me are more of a feature of disease. So touching them feels like disease risk. Whereas you don't catch disease from snakes. You catch death or you don't. If you're biting. You can catch a bad case of asphyxiation from a snake. That's true if you let them hang out too much.

I take bugs over smooth things any day. I don't like a smooth thing. Really. I don't like a smooth thing. Really? I don't like a soft smooth thing. I'll take a hard bug any day. Any day. Say what you like about Phil. He's a hard bug man.

You can take a hard bug, that guy. Because he's a hard bug man. And he can do what he can to get some hard bugs in ham in ham and ham and he's avoiding all the snakes um i i don't know snake because like they've probably been defanged and therefore they can't really do anything whereas like even like you can't de-egg or de-scuttle a cockroach you know it's all still in there they're still horrible bugs full of disease scuttle and like spiders oh i don't know i just flies are flying around they get in your nose snakes not getting in your nose but a snake again your trousers and this is like you can't a bug you can just get ready you can pick off and throw it away a snake you can't

like oh it's horrible the idea of picking up you can just get rid of you can pick off and you can throw it away a snake you can't like oh it's horrible the idea of picking up a snake and throwing it the flies are going into your nose and eyes like I would change my view of snakes like they were

you know think about snakes they'll corral up your asshole they'll corral up your asshole and down your throat then I'd change my then I'd be like ooh that's as invasive as a bug

I'd think to myself yeah but like you can cover your nose you know I need to breathe On something From time to time A little snoot

I don't know man I take bugs I take bugs any day Any bugs? Maybe not scorpions Well this is it I'd rather have dry over wet Exactly Any bugs? Maybe not scorpions. Well, this is it. And I'd rather have dry over wet.

Exactly. You famously, you're an anti-wet man. But snakes are dry. Snakes aren't slimy. They're incredibly dry. Yeah, but their movement is slimy. Bugs are wet. I don't like how many degrees of freedom their bodies have. Such an engineer reason to fear snakes.

But they have an infinite number of degrees of freedom because they're just a wobbly line. They can move in any way. A bug, you can kind of understand how it's going to move. You can see the legs moving and everything. I don't know. We still don't understand how snakes move. Mechanically, we don't understand.

Really? Yeah. It's still kind of a mystery how their movement propels them. Keep it to themselves, don't you? I don't like that. But you say you can predict bugs, but we've all been in situations where you've kind of tried to get rid of a thing and it's flapped right into your face. As if the moth or whatever you're trying to shoo is decided that this is a mating dance and its job is to fuck your nose yeah but you can see the movement is coming from the legs or the

wings when a snake starts to move you i'm just like where are you moving from where's the propeller bit is it the neck or is the where is the actual propulsion coming what are you pushing off of you know i mean like what's pushing on to what yeah yeah what right where's the lake moving the universe around itself yeah that's what it is but if so that's that's this is that the ship is futurama yeah yeah that's how it moves so quickly moves the universe around itself but is that like but if someone said to me there's a bunch of kind of like dry ropes that move mysteriously, and they're kind of going to pootle over you. I'd be like, okay, what's the other option? They go, a lot of flies get in your eyes, nose, and mouth.

I'd be like, well, the first one. I'm much more comfortable with rolling over and crushing a bunch of bugs than a snake. That's horrible. Yeah, that's the hard part. I don't want to have to be rolling. I want to be lying in a coffin screeching while Joe Rogan, circa 2007, makes comments.

You know? Imagine watching Fear Factor in his heyday and going, that host there, Joe Rogan, he's going to be one of the richest men on Earth. He's going to be one of the most powerful media figures on Earth and the most powerful media figure in human history entirely on his own terms. Without a studio, a TV channel, a broadcast network.

None of that. It's going to be him and a guy called Jamie, I think, in his living room. And you're like, what TV show will that be? Oh, no. Pure audio. It's radio really But it's not even live Right

Okay But the shows will be like Sort of easily digestible Sort of half hour snappy Three hours minimum Minimum Probably four Four and a half

He'll often be on drugs Legal mild drugs But nevertheless And what will it be about? Diet and UFC, but physics and chimps and DMT and dreams and medicine and fitness and politics and gender? It's just anything.

Anything that comes up, really. But in the most sort of tangential way you will learn about things in the most useless way possible it's information you can't use and that you can't actually verify it's mild learning like you would learn in a pub yes yes you go i hung out in the pub with a professor of physics yeah and here's what i remember from that social experience uh yeah yeah you'd you'd be surprised to hear that about the fear factor guy i would be surprised to hear that about the fear factor guy as a scorpion climbed my nose and a snake climbed up my dick hole and i went the only way that that could have been predicted is if they'd locked someone in a coffin of

hallucinating hallucinogenic toads and they'd seen through kind of a tunnel into the future and they just saw a headline saying joe rogan signs 100 million dollar deal with spotify and they come back and they're like, what's Spotify? So it's useless information. All they know is that he's going to sign a deal worth that much with someone. Yeah. Pointless. Like a kind of pointless Nostradamus.

No, I'm still sticking with snakes. Crawling through, army crawling through. Don't get Fear Factor confused with I'm a Celebrity. Yes. I'm a Celebrity Yes I'm a Celebrity, they have to fight through A sort of coffin of something to get a little star Oh, okay So everyone gets rice Right, Fear Factor you just have to withstand

Yes, while they kind of pour them From a bucket over you So it's very different I don't want to have to fight through a lot of snakes Oh, okay, okay, okay. It feels like it would annoy them, and they seem strong. You know? Yeah, they're powerful.

Well, they have powers you don't. They have Slytherin powers. They have powers no man possesses. And then some of them can, like, do little jumps. That's what I hate. The springy, coily boys. Ah, they can do little jumps. That's true of spiders.

Australian jumping spiders. You're going to Australia soon. You better... Australian jumping spiders. You're going to Australia soon. You better... Oh, no. You're going to Fear Factor Island. It's true. That's what Australia is. But then for some reason, Melbourne is quite pest free.

They've priced them out. The coffees are too expensive for the black widows. The spiders are like, I can't afford this. I'm a black widow. The main breadwinner is gone. I ate him. I ate him. I shouldn't have.

I ate my breadwinner. I'm a traditional spider. Spideress, I prefer. That's how traditional I am. I prefer to be called a spideress. And I ate my breadwinner. I've got a thousand children. How am I supposed to provide?

What was I thinking? All the snakes slithering away from Melbourne. $17 for avocados. Give me a break. Back into a little hole. Maybe St. Patrick went to Melbourne for brunch. brunch right that's why the snakes can't go there uh yeah so so there's never been the creepy crawlies have never been a problem in melbourne um when i was in adelaide years ago for the first time since i had last been in maybe durban i just

saw a cockroach on the pavement pavement cockroach pavement cockroach. Pavement cockroach. City roach. City roach. Making a living, learning lots and making friends. Waiting for a bus. City roach. Did it have a little briefcase? It had a little fedora as well. Working man. Little briefcase fedora. He's smoking. Kept checking his watch. Myself, I'm a

company roach. Boy, those folks at Benchon and Hedges sure know how to make a fine cigarette. Well, I'll see you later. City Roach. Got on the bus. Just pulled away. Gotta get home to the wife and kids. They're gonna give me

hell if I'm not back in time for dinner and stories. City Roach. And I'm having a boss over for dinner. Oh. Hope my wife hasn't overcooked the lump of shit. I like, I'd watch City Roach. I like City Roach. Sounds like a great cartoon, City Roach. Oh my word.

Is that cockroach wearing a hat? I sure am, ma'am. I would never leave home without it. My wife wouldn't allow it. He's got a briefcase too! Well, you gotta have a briefcase in this game, friend, or you're gonna leave all your important files at home. To say nothing of the wholesome lunch I've been packed. He looks like he's going to work! Oh, I wish it only looked that way. I gotta spend it busting my hump like the rest of you poor fools. How can

he speak? That was more of a comment than a question, ma'am, but I'm glad to hear it, I suppose. He's disgusting. We're all God's creatures, sir. Stop taking jobs from decent Americans. Well, I was born here in the good

old U.S. of A, sir. Yeah, you go for it, City Roach. Thank you, you go for it, City Roach. Thank you kindly. I love you, City Roach. I'm married, but I appreciate the sentiments. City Roach is a menace. A menace to any pies you leave unattended. X-tree, X-tree, read all about it.

Everyone either hates or loves City Roach. Oh, well, I don't know about that. I think my child is ambivalent to me as a father. New deal on Roach spray. Come and get it. Sir, would you like some? Oh! Well, I don't know if this is more awkward for you or me.

What do they call it? Salaryman. Salaryman? Yeah, like the Japanese phenomenon or all these the salary men all these guys and they're like you completely identical suits yes and they identify themselves by the company so if if um tanaka san works for sony he'll introduce himself as sony's tanaka really yeah that's mad yeah even in even in like even in social situations they'll say i'm i'm toyota's i'm toyota's hero or whatever i'm toyota's hero that would be a good ad campaign are you toyota's hero

that sounds amazing it's like if you sponsored a person's whole life yeah hi i'm um warburton's pierre like what they go yeah the you know the bread company yeah well i i'm pepsi presents phil wang i'm pepsi presents the phil wang experience they doubled the salary so they could change my name to the Phil Wang experience. Actually, now I have to say I'm a Phil Wang-inspired person. I'm not actually allowed to say I'm Phil Wang. I'm based on a

true life by Phil Wang. That's the most I can tell you. That's so interesting. But then it's like when you find out that Nintendo or something as a company has existed since the 1700s Oh yeah, they made little board games Yeah

Card games and stuff Well there's another company, now it's like a heavy industry company But it used to just be a fishing concern So I guess they've had this whole time to develop their own corporate culture I like the word concern used another way We're just really concerned about all these fish We're very concerned about all these fish And whether or not they're in our mouths

I think Toyota originally made cotton. Weave machines are like, there's weaver things. The clack, clack, clack, clack things where you pull the strings together. That was Toyota. People would finger your garments. Is that Toyota? Is that a Toyota shawl?

Yamaha. You know the Yamaha symbol? Can you picture the Yamaha symbol It's like a bull No it's Three sort of Y shapes In a sort of Triangular And they're tuning forks

I beg your pardon They're tuning forks Really Either from Yamaha's Instruments Of course they do make tuning forks. Really? Yeah. Because either from Yamaha's instruments or their motorbikes. They make like saxophones and stuff. Yeah, yeah.

You forget that. That'd be Yamaha trumpet. Imagine driving a Yamaha bike and playing a Yamaha saxophone. On the bike. You'd be the coolest guy in the world. Only being able to accelerate in the gaps between saxophone solos. Really like jumping, like you're rocking back and forth.

And you have to do the awkward switch of the hands from the bars. And you hear the quiet clicky clacky of the saxophone valve. The least cruel noise. The saxophone the horn bit with the reed is like jammed into a helmet. Ah, that'll be fun, yeah. You keep having to like it kind of bonks against the glass.

I thought there was just colour in my head. God, I'm... What would you say? I'm comedy's Phil Wang. But that sounds genre-based. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, right.

In terms of... For a time, you would say I'm Netflix's Phil Wang? Yeah, or maybe I'd have to say my management company's name. Yeah, could be. Yeah, right now, I'd say Netflix's, because that's probably the coolest, right? Yeah, of all I'd say Netflix is Because that's probably the coolest Yeah, of all the available options And there aren't loads

I'm Netflix What would be the most prestigious channel they use? I'm HBO's Phil Wang People are like, is he going to get naked? He's edgy He's HBO's Phil Wang I am contractually obliged to say I can't think of a cooler

company And I honestly can't Quite right Yeah Why was I saying City Roach? Oh yeah, just if you call me City Roach I love City Roach I love City Roach more than

most of my family actually I love City Roach, I want to see a cartoon of City Roach I would miss City Roach more than most of my family, actually. I love City Roach. I want to see a cartoon of City Roach. I would miss City Roach more if I didn't see him for a bit than anyone I know. Working nine to five. Are you coming back, City Roach? Yeah, I'm just getting a pack of cigarettes. Okay. Okay, City Roach.

Oh yeah, well that's the decline of City Roach. Something about leaving the city to go back to those suburbs just felt so suffocating to me. Maybe I really am a city roach in more ways than I ever imagined. And he's got a little vest on, smoking on a fire escape, New York style. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Just up on the bars.

Leaning and smoking, yeah. And there's a lot of laundry. City roach. City roach. You were saying? No, I just sort of couldn't believe. I sometimes can't believe it when I remember that. In my head, cockroaches are such an indoors problem.

Oh, right, yes. So when I see them on a pavement, it is like city roach. I'm like, where are you commuting to? Oh, well, I mean, in Malaysia, the cockroach is outside all the time. Yeah. Because outside and inside blended a lot. Well, that's it, isn't it? All doors and windows open.

Yeah. Also, like, there's just, like, drains all over the place. So you go to, like, a shopping area or a place with all the coffee shops, and right outside are drains with concrete covers over them, but they have holes. And so the roaches just crawl out of them and crawl back in. It's just normal. I don't find cockroaches gross.

See, you've had exposure therapy to them. That's why you're fine with being in a coffin full of them. Yeah, I'd love to be in a coffin full of them. You'd love it. Yeah, I would. Coffin full of city roaches. Coffin roach! Goth city roach.

Yeah, all of them black eyeliner. They don don't scuttle they're just in the corner smoking they just shuffle about yeah what do you want well you think i should scuttle because i'm a roach real original um what would i have been overexposed to that i'd be willing to sit in a coffin with guns yeahs. Yeah, ammo. Just a big coffin full of bullets. They're very unlikely to go off on their own. Yeah, just belts of rounds. That'd be a great album

cover. Yeah, it would actually. And the coffin just covered in bullets. Covered in bullets. Just your face showing. Yeah. The new album by Bullet Coffin. Yeah, that's a cool name. Or Coffin Full of Bullets. What's better? Bullet Coffin bullets ammo coffin coffin ammo because that could be a way of describing a dead body like you could look at it yeah i like coffin ammo room full of pensioners Look at all that coffin ammo Yeah that's like What's the words

Ah You know the soldiers You throw at an enemy just to Fodder Yeah cannon fodder Coffin ammo I'd listen to the new single by Coffin Ammo Yeah Coffin Ammo

Did you know that Coffin Ammo actually played and composed the theme tune to City Roach? Oh, wow. It was the first job they did, and they needed the money. Interesting. They don't like people talking about that now, but... If you watch City Roach credits all the way to the end, you'll see, with thanks to Coffin Ammo at the end, and people go, What?

Coffin Ammo? What was their involvement? In the same way that what are they called? Primus crazy slap bass rock band from the 90s Primus

did the theme tune to South Park that's why the theme tune to South Park is quite so odd it's quite funky it's pretty they liked a lot of bass in Primus well it's very dissonant.

I'm bringing it to my end. That's Les Claypool. Oh, Claypool. Les Claypool, cool name. Leeds ringer at Primus. And he actually owns a ranch called Rancho Relaxo from the Simpsons. Oh, great. Yeah.

Good guy. We should do some correspondence. And also, I should investigate a strange whining noise that seems to be coming from the other end of the kitchen. Is that not just the fridge? It should not be doing that. Oh. But let's do some correspondence.

Okay. Ring letters. Keep decking. Emails. Phone calls. To be decking. Your sister. Keep a straight eye.

To keep a straight eye. Ring letters. Correspondence Alright The noise has been solved As much as any noise can be solved And we have a message Phil from Rhys

Another Rhys, same Rhys We had a Rhys last week I don't think it's the same Rhys There are a lot of Rhys's around actually Rhys, pleased to a lot of Rhys's around, actually. Rhys, pleased to meet you. Nice. Thank you. Hi, The Filling Joke.

Ah, a reference to The Killing Joke. The legendary Batman comic about the Joker. Really horrible story. Really nasty and brutal and gross. Yeah. Who wrote it? Was Brian Bolland the artist? So he says,

Hi, The Filling Joke and Pierre Acclaimed Graphic Novel Lee. That's good. Lovely. Excuse me. He says, We all know you love talking about both Tat and the Joker.

Yes. But has the topic of Joker Tat ever reared its ugly head? Ooh. There's plenty of Joker Tat. And it is its ugly head. Ooh. And there is. There's plenty of Joker tat. And it is an ugly head. Maybe it has. My memory's pretty bad.

He says. I still have my childhood best friend on Facebook, even though we haven't seen each other for about 10 years. And he absolutely loves sharing posts by pages with names like Joker quotes. Oh, no. Which feature a picture of the clown prince of crime usually heath ledger or joaquin phoenix but occasionally jared leto okay accompanied by a quote that the joker clearly never said clearly never clearly never said the quotes are usually about trust or being

underappreciated oh god is real incel. Or not wanting to wear a face mask. Oh, no. Yeah, there's been a bit of that. Yeah, I don't think the Joker has... I don't think it's canon for the Joker to be anti-mask. The Joker died of COVID. Let's put a mask back on that little face of yours. Let's put a mask on that face.

It's not for you. It's for others. It's not about the mask. It's about sending a message. And it just does. Anyway, I saw the attached one, which is obviously a piss take of the genre, but I thought you guys would appreciate it. P.S. I loved your show at the Palladium,

the Philadium, Phil. Oh, thanks. I think Phil even made eye contact with me. I'll never wash my eyes again. Koji Reese. And so this is a parody of joker tat okay and it's that uh black and white shot it's it's that shot of joaquin phoenix as the joker smoking with his hand in his pocket looking down i hate that but it's been changed to black and white except his hand for some reason which is mad but that's good And the caption is when the whole world is poo-poo

dot dot dot be the pee-pee. That's funny. That's good. Yeah, it's oh man Joaquin Phoenix Joker that movie has

I think it's done a lot more bad than good. Yeah, I think making a movie about how touching it is to be an incel, in a way. Yeah, and how moving it is to be nuts. To be fucking mad. To give up on society,

and that actually society doesn't deserve you because you're so special and impossible to understand because you're so deep. I hate all that shit. I hate it. Just be decent and do something well and try not to complain too much.

Why can't people just do that? That's you as Asian semi-Confucian joker. A joker who exists only in order to reinforce society and make it more cohesive. Pay attention to your responsibilities. Do what you do well and try not to cause... Try not to complain, yeah. Try not to complain and just contribute.

Yes, contribute what you can and keep your own home in order. It's not about the money. It's about sending a message, the Joker says, as he pays his taxes in full. People go, oh, that's quite a wholesome way to look at it, Joker. Thank you. No problem. He still does everything nice, like you said, like responsible,

but he still does it like mad. He's still got makeup and he still looks sweaty and he still is. Picking up litter going, oh, just being really nice. What a rubbish day. Going up to a hobo. Hey there, buddy. I want some food And shelter And then he just does do that

No irony to it Just doing what he can Will gets in touch Will you just give us your correspondence Will you just Give it Will you just tell us? Dear Phil and Pierre.

Vanilla. Ooh! Back to the classic. Reset. Reset. Factory settings. It says, I've gone mainstream

as I couldn't figure out how to appropriately word an opening to describe my new favourite double act with an ode to my first favourite double act and poo, The Two Runnies. Ah, that's nice. Very good. The Two Runnies, yeah. Having listened to the first chunk of act and poo, The Two Runnies. Ah, that's nice. Very good.

The Two Runnies, yeah. Having listened to the first chunk of episodes of Bud Pod, I sadly fell out of step right at the beginning of the first lockdown and went cold turkey. I had a similar thing in lockdown. I stopped listening to podcasts. Because we weren't going anywhere.

At a time when you thought, oh, I'll... Yeah, exactly. You weren't going anywhere. You weren't doing anything. You didn't need... Distracting. Like you did, but not...

But like full distraction watch things you played games you yeah yeah you could distract yourself from your own thoughts with listening and lying perfectly still yeah i can't lie still and listen to something it's a rare pleasure pleasure something has to be very pleasurable in order to justify that. Good news, though. Because he went cold turkey, remember? Oh, yeah. We're back on.

Turkey's back on the menu, boys. Good news, though. I fell off the wagon again a couple of weeks ago, and I'm back on crack. Arse not cocaine. That's funny. Two poo stories for you, and one in particular that involves Phil himself Wow what

This now I'm intrigued My god I shall start there Phil J'appouse That's good isn't it Like j'accuse In an old episode you mentioned A pre-budpod plain loo incident

Oh well this is our This is our friend Will In an old episode, you mentioned a pre-Budpod Plain Lou incident. Oh, well, this is our friend Will. This is Will. Wine Will. This is Wine Will. This is another wine person. This is Portugal Wine Will. Yes.

Yeah, okay. But this is old email. Ah. Did he tweet you this as well? Well, I spoke to him about it then and there. Oh. I mean, he has messaged me as well. Oh, there you go. Okay, well, for the listeners. I also knew an ex-girlfriend of mine

Somehow Will and I are meant to be In each other's lives Yeah Well this is his original email maybe This will be the story of when we first met Let's say Will tells the story Let's see I will remember this

In a pre-Bud Pod Plain Lou incident With someone coming out of the bog on a plane it will tell the story. Let's see how Will remembers it. In a pre-Bud Pod Plain Lou incident with someone coming out of the bog on a plane listening to your Com Com Pod having done a shit. That's right. That was me you bumped into. Yeah, so it was an extraordinary thing. I was on a flight to America? Australia? New York.

Ah, or from. And I went up to the bathroom, and the guy had just finished using the toilet, and he came out. And when he saw me, he looked like he'd seen a ghost. He was like, like that. But not like he was a huge fan. He went, Phil Wang? It was like he was frightened.

Yeah. That is weird. And I was like, you all right? And without saying a word will just picked up his phone and just showed me the screen and it was my episode of the comedian's comedian podcast yeah that was listening so he was listening to me talking to steve goldsmith on the toilet and then got out and i was just there he just manifested me Well Here's where your stories differ Oh

Hence Japoo's That was me you bumped into But it was you leaving behind the remnants of a trip to New York What does that mean? You were in the loo Have I? As I sat adding my appendix To your travel log

Lovely stuff Oh yes I think you're right Have I... As I sat adding my appendix to your travel log... Lovely stuff. Oh, yes, I think you're right. I've misremembered. It was the other way around. Little did I know I was smelling the future, he says. I'm so glad I did, and I'm loving the podcast. Gosh, do I reinvent memories so that I have the most dignity?

Definitely. Surely, that sounds like such a thing that you'd do. have the most dignity. Definitely. Surely. That sounds like such a thing that you'd do. To minimise your many regrets. Does Will say anything about my six pack that I had? He did say you left a mark in the bowl from how low your enormous penis hang.

That's how I remember it. That's how I remember it. That's so funny that I've remembered him coming out of having just done a poo. Yeah, because you don't remember ever having done a shit. You know they're happening while they happen to you and then they just get deleted from your memory. You've only ever done wheeze.

That's a funny... What an embarrassing fraud to be caught in. Yeah. Yeah, well. we'll never know for sure. No, I put my hands up.

I think Will's absolutely right. I was coming out. He's absolutely right. I was coming out of the toilet. The real story was you were coming out of the toilet listening to your own episode of Comcom Pod and you showed it to him. Yeah, he had no idea who I was. Listen to this. That's this that's me that is i said yeah and you said i'll only let you use the loo if i can see you load this up and start listening type it comedians comedian yeah with

an apostrophe okay he's terrified it's conversation with comedians whatever doesn't matter it doesn't matter just listen to this Listen while you go in there And then at the end And then you come out And when you come out You're going to see me And you need to do A big shocked face

And you will show me How far you got in Yeah And you'll tell me What you think so far Alright now get in there And then as he got in You slapped him on the bum

And just remember I don't poop I don't I don't I don't do it And then just remember, I don't poop. I don't. I don't. I don't do it. And then as you scream, I don't do it, you see right down the aisle of the plane, the air hostess looking around the curtain,

and you smile and go, wave a bit like, oh, it's fine. We're just having a laugh. Don't want to be on a no-fly list. Yeah, like an air marshal in plain clothes just reaches for his gun. He just really subtly flicks the holster button off. And you just go, you wave both hands.

I just had fun with my friend here. And you hold Will's shoulder, give him a kiss. Isn't that right, Will? And he's like... Yeah, we're just fooling around, aren't we, Will? We're just having fun. Get in there, you scamp. See you in a minute.

And the guy just goes and puts his headphones back in and keeps watching Big Mama's House. So Will continues. My second story, he says, is rancid. Rancid. A good friend who I will keep anonymous for shame reasons

Yeah, good reason. Was in Mumbai for a two-week work trip a couple of years back. And being weak of stomach and bowel. Was having rather a tough time of it. Luckily, his hotel and place of work were well equipped with the appropriate facilities for arse vomit. Okay. A.K.A. toilets. I guess toilets. Yeah, toilets, yeah. They had toilets. and place of work were well equipped with the appropriate facilities for arse vomit okay aka toilets yeah toilets

they had toilets I'm sorry sir this is a no toilet hotel you'll have to do your shits outside we have a designated shitting area there's a shitting area

around the back with a cover over it and you'll see the signs luckily they were equipped with the appropriate facilities for arse vomit and thus his emergencies were devoid of shame.

Until the end of his trip. A night out with his local colleagues, which resulted in an unbearable hangover. Which two of his colleagues insisted could be cured by lunch at a favorite restaurant. Mm-hmm. I would love to go on the piss in Mumbai. Oh. I have no concept of what that would be like. Yeah.

Pints in Mumbai. Heaty. noisy, lively Bikes Cows in the road You can lean on when you're like Give me a second Oh I love you mate Give him a kiss

Oh you're my best mate People nodding approvingly That's how you treat them Give him a kiss. Oh, you're my best mate. People nodding approvingly. That's how you treat them. That's right. We were a bit worried for a second there. We thought you were going to eat him, you fucking savage. Because we've heard you guys do that.

We've heard you lunatics do that. Yeah. Yeah, it must be fun. A night in Mumbai. A night in Mumbai. Bombay. Bombay Sapphire. You could drink. Youay. Bombay Sapphire. You could drink.

You have to be Mumbai Sapphire. You have to change it to Mumbai Sapphire now. When's that Twitter campaign coming out? At some point it will. The inevitability of dawn. It's a shame that the colonial names are nicer Bombay is nicer Burma is nicer than Myanmar Well see controversially Myanmar

Is the name that the sort of fascist military Dictatorship chose Whereas apparently Burma is one of the names that's acceptable But then a bunch of you know Call me crazy Phil this might be the first time In history that well meaning western Liberals have been hoodwinked by a foreign regime. Surely not.

I think it might be the first ever time that this has happened. I can't imagine that ever having happened in any other way. Surely this must be the only time. I know. So, the local guys, his mates, are saying, we know you hung over. This restaurant is the cure fed increasingly spicier dishes which were good for quote sweating out the booze

that's right his hungover brain failed to predict the imminent and obvious disaster also it's probably all vegetarians that's high fiber of course very regular you will become feeling the ominous pinch in his gut he politely inquired as to the whereabouts of the loo Oh, of course. Very regular. He will become. Feeling the ominous pinch in his gut,

he politely inquired as to the whereabouts of the loo. Predictably, there were no loos. Ah. Yeah, so they did have a... Really was a no-shitting restaurant. No-shitting restaurant, yeah. Being a mere 200 meters from his hotel, he decided to chance it. A difficult walk.

The walk of fate. A cowboy's walk. Yeah. Or like a pinched ballet person. Yeah, on the tiptoes. Yeah. Or pliés. Ankles together.

Pliéing across the road. No, you wouldn't plié. Plié is squatting down. Oh, that's the last thing you want to do. That's the last thing you want to do. To plié your pants. I don't know what the pointy... En pointe?

Demi... Because you have like a demi one and a semi... Semi-toe demi... Isn't it en pointe when it's on the tiptoes? Oh, yes, yes, yes. Yeah.

That is en pointe. That is en pointe. That's what people say when they see ballerinas doing that. God, that's en pointe. So... That's a good point. That's what I see

when I see a ballerina get on a tiptoes you say it like you're being chastened good point okay okay good point good point good point well made look you made a good point look you've made it you've made your point okay good point you've made your point you've more than made your point. You've made a very good point there. Well, now you're just showing off all the good points. I don't need to rub it in. Being a mere 200 meters from his hotel, he decided to chance it and made his way swiftly running from the knees down.

That's funny. Yeah, that's good. Like a duck. Or like Bugs Bunny when he goes... Yeah, and they sort of spin. They're spinning on the spot and then... Halfway back, realization set in. There was no way he would make it.

Mercy of all mercies, there was a McDonald's en route. God bless globalization. God save the clown. Bless globalisation. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba- Rushing in, he headed for the well-signposted loos at the back, only to find both male and female occupied. Opposite, there was an unmarked door, which upon opening, he realized was a cleaning cupboard. Knowing the other option was to shift himself in plain sight. Although everyone in the McDonald's going, vring, like guards in Snake. In Metal Gear Solid. Metal Gear Solid.

Plain sight. He dove into the cupboard, inexplicably removing both shoes and placing them on the floor of the cupboard yeah i just panicked just took his shoes off this will help this will help and promptly filled them with diarrhea geez at the moment they overflowed an unsuspecting janitor opened the supply cupboard door to find a pink, sweaty white man taking a shit into a pair of shoes and onto the floor. Wow, he must have said, toilets really are different in the UK. At this point, it feels like Indians in India, to see a panicked, sweaty white person Having diarrhea must just be so pedestrian At this point

They just go tourist Not there They must just think that we're constantly exploding shit and vomiting They must think that London is chaos Just crowds of people How are they financial capital All they do is shit How did they conquer the world

While basically just having 24 7 norovirus doesn't make sense um shitting into shoes is funny as well i'm picturing like patent black leather business shoes oh god yeah you're right it would be them if it's a business trip to add insult to injury the open cupboard door Revealed the now open And available door Of the men's toilet Oh Just missed it So close The disgusted shouts

From the janitor Brought first a manager And then staff To witness his And then add to their Disappointment To further add to his misery He walked the

As he walked the hundred metres Back to the hotel Having cleaned himself And the cupboard He was distracted By the recent horror And he trod in dog shit. Koji will.

P.S. I have found that dictators and cunts have names that lend themselves to poo and in some case fart puns. Poo Garby. Oh yeah. Ceausesque Poo. Poo Pot. Yeah. Aung San Poo Chi Yeah

Poo Chi Yes sorry it's K-Y-I Aung San Poo Chi Who knew You let her out To go and endorse a genocide Well you know She's a She's a strong independent woman

You know Sometimes Can't tell her what to do General Poonashay Oh yeah Anwar Sadchat Sadchat Sadat

I don't know who that is Sadchat It's better Hosni Poubarak Trump Adolf Schittler Adolf Schittler I can't believe you missed that off the list

Yeah Omar Albaschit Pugo Chavez Trump. Adolf Schittler. Adolf Schittler. I can't believe you missed that off the list. Omar Albaschit. Pugo Chavez. Pugo Chavez. Yeah. Very nice, Will. Cornucopia there from Wine Will.

Fidel Castro. Fidel Castro. Stalin is hard. Stalin is hard. Stalin is hard. Stalin is hard. Stas, Stas, Stas. Pus, Pus of... Pus of Stalin. Yeah. Leon Plopski. Pusolini.

Bumito Mussolini. Pusolini? Pusolini, of course. How did I miss that? Pusolini? Pusolini, of course. Bumito Pusolini. How did I miss that? Pusolini. Yes. Is that all of them? Yeah, I'd say so.

I think that's all the big ones. All the big boys. Pooble Icahn? Pooble Icahn! Don't catch him calling you that. You'd be a skull on a throne. Well, now it's time to go Where only the richest dictators are allowed Phil

The patron bonus part Oh yes Yes where only the wealthiest may convene For the spiciest of takes Yes Takes from around the world Exotic takes you've never even seen. Some takes that hath not ever known the touch of man.

We'll see you there. Enjoy. See you in a bit. Bye-bye. Bye. As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors, like high blood pressure developed during pregnancy, which can put us two times more at risk of heart disease or stroke. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca.