BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 16 - Fight Everyone

Episode Date: June 11, 2019

Sweet sixteen! Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie enjoy a pure and virginal sixteen. Phil’s Dad’s Italian Restaurant. Japanese Love Island, the Innocence-Perverted Horseshoe, CYBERPUNK, brown squiggles, street mysteries and side quests, babushkas, hangover horn, being a Nazi without a spark plug, curry spoon dance, more slow pooer correspondence! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Sweet Sixteen! Sweet Sixteen! Did you have a Sweet Sixteen, Phil? That means you didn't fuck before you were sixteen, right? Is that what it is? Oh, that's what we were told. Really? Yeah, it means you're still a virgin.

That makes you sweet. That's what I see. Really? Yeah, what did you think Sweet Sixteen was? Um, there was that... It's like a really nice sixteenth birthday. Yeah, well there was that MTV show, right? Sweet Sixteen? Mm.

Where it would be like the worst sixteen year olds on earth. The very rich ones. And they'd have big parties. Yeah, well, there was that MTV show, right? Sweet 16th? Where it would be like the worst 16-year-olds on earth. The very rich ones. And they'd have big parties. But then they'd have freakouts. Yeah. They'd get like a blue Lamborghini instead of a light blue one. And they'd just go off. Oh my God, Dad, you ruined my birthday!

That is so embarrassing! And instead of the father going, Shut up up you worm They'd go I'm sorry baby I'll go to the dealer And you'd go oh that's how she became that way Yeah yeah yeah

You never saw Sweet Sixteen with like The children of the sort of Russian mob Oh that'd be great Higher stakes Soviet Sixteen Soviet Sixteen three turnips i wanted two turnips like they're still brats somehow even in that context yeah yeah yeah that'd be fascinating uh i was a sweet 16 were you of course yeah i was a sweet 17 i was a sweet 18 really yeah sweet 18 oh uh yeah yeah sweet wait

yeah i'm pretty sure i was sweet 18 yeah and then a bitter 19 a bit a furious what's the taste of someone who has had sex salty a salty 19 oh god yeah i was a salty 19. Oh, God. Yeah, I was a salty 19. Then you're all salty and dry, like an old sailor's thumb. I don't know. Yeah, what did you have a big party? What I meant to ask, instead of about your juvenile penis, was did you have a 16 party, a big party? No. like party a big party uh no i went to an italian restaurant with um my best friend and my dad nice

you like that was this in malaysia because i know this is around the time right before you left and moved to england um yes it was yeah i was in kota kinabalu and um where presumably italian food seems like magic like well it was dairy mixed in with noodles it was my get this my father's restaurant what

he suddenly got this idea where he was there's one there's one Italian restaurant in Cotagino Ballo which is fantastic right

it started by an Italian family that came over okay so it's legit yeah and my dad was like we can do that so so he opened um uh an italian restaurant what and uh got one of the chefs from the old restaurant

which meant now we couldn't go back to that restaurant yeah you fucked that for life yeah um and then um eventually that chef left because, surprise, surprise, loyalty was not one of his strengths. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then eventually dad had to close the restaurant. But there was a period there where the restaurant was doing fine. What was the food like? Fine. Oh.

It was fine. I wanted to be like comedically insane no some of it's pretty good oh man yeah well you had the chef i guess yeah yeah yeah what i wanted was like there's just not really the appetite for it so much well that's well like we've we've uh not only discussed uh asian and asian fusion cuisine quite a lot but we've also eaten a lot of it it was in front of you, Phil, I ate my first chicken legs. And I don't mean the meat part, listeners. Oh, the little feet. I ate the feet. With the little bones.

I chewed on the rinkly skin. Rinkly, bony feet skin. Yeah, I made that up. We don't eat that. That was a prank. It was a big prank and I was humiliated in front of all my... Do you not notice all the giggling Chinese-oid stuff? I thought they were Japanese. They seem to giggle a lot from the TV I've seen.

I'm currently watching Love Island is on. Oh yeah? Currently at the moment. You giving it a peep? I'm not watching Love Island. I am watching Terrace House, which is Japanese Love Island. I've heard about this. Where they live in a beautiful

cottage in the woods is it a cottage? yeah it's called Terrace House because the first series was a Terrace House but now they're in different houses but it's still called Terrace House right

it's in a beautiful cottage in the middle of the forest and they're all polite and from time to time they fall out with each other there's a big fight in the moment because middle of the forest and they're all polite and from time to time they fall out with each other there's a big fight in the moment because one of the girls um gifted a pair of minion socks to to some people and not others what so that's a big fallout at the moment minion socks minion socks socks with minions on them but that's and they all live together yeah but see okay

but they continue with their jobs so they're still going to university still going to work and still help each other out with their careers and stuff that's so Japanese it's great they're still at work

it's really calming nothing really ever happens in it it's great but the first kiss happened 20 episodes in Jesus Christ people talk about holding hands like having sex like we people talk about holding hands like having sex

like we're thinking about holding hands next day it's great it's really great that's very wholesome but like it's so wholesome

it's almost going through the other side and coming out weird again you know classic Japanese yes yes as discussed

that's fascinating you know how there's that what's the horseshoe theory between communism and Nazism? Yes, it's imperfect, but it describes the autocratic nature of the two quite well. Right.

So I think extreme perversion and extreme innocence are also occupied by the same shape, right? Yes, I think so. You can go so... Well, I guess you can't go the other way. You can go so innocent that you become really perverse. You can't go so perverse that you suddenly become innocent that you become incredibly perverse you can't go so perverse that you suddenly become innocent

can you? unless you're into wearing nappies and then that is now you're like a baby that's literally innocent isn't it? yes yes yes or you're so perverted that on your way to that end of the scale

you've done so many perversions that you have seen like perversions are like add-ons right? they're like DLC to normal fucking it's like right and then for $2.99 you can download a foot fetish I don't know

and so you've gone through all of them and then like it's like with DLC you get to the point where you go you know what I miss? The vanilla game the original Mario I miss Mario and then maybe that Yeah, sure. The original Mario. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I miss Mario. And then maybe that's where they come right...

Or like... Ah, ah. Those people who are like, I was a meth-head pimp and now I'm a preacher. Yeah, okay, okay, okay. Maybe that's how they punch through that barrier. Yes, yes.

You're right. They're like, I've seen too much. And now it's all about the JC. So, yeah. So maybe it is possible to be so sexually perverse that eventually you find kissing the most erotic thing possible or even without becoming

innocent that's just like how decadent your tastes have become you know you you know all the perversions and so it's almost perverse in itself for you to just be obsessed with like holding hands yeah yeah yeah I guess we cracked it so that's why I'm watching Terrace House. Okay, I have a question about this Minion Socks debacle.

Oh, yeah. This Ferrari. If they all live in the same house, it's quite a blatant... Especially, okay, we're talking about a house or a culture where it's like hand-holding is this level. Yeah. Well then, yeah.

If I adjust my brain to that scale, Yeah. Right, like now I'm thinking in like imperial instead of metric or whatever, giving some people minion socks

and not giving other people minion socks, like, she might as well have taken a shit rat in their goddamn bed. Yeah. She might as well have

shat their beds. It's true. And it's such a gifting culture in Japan as well. Yeah. Whenever you visit anyone from anywhere, you bring a gift from the city that you come from that is specific to that city. Yeah.

And so if you come from Tokyo, for some reason, it's like these banana-shaped biscuits. Right. So when you go to... So every train station has a dedicated... Gift store. Local gift store. Right. Because if you're visiting someone in another city

you bring something from the city you've come from or you're a piece of shit piece of shit asshole actually so yeah you could drop into the shop and you buy a box of Tokyo banana sweets or Hakata

coconut worms or you know whatever and so I guess if you give people one gift and not others you might as well coconut worms or whatever. And so I guess if you give people one gift and not others, you might as well be kicking those people in the gooch. Yeah, level in the same house. And a lack of a gift is so noticeable, right?

Well, for this reason, she actually gave them the socks in town in Tokyo. On their own. And someone leaked it there was a whole leaking operation it was pretty intense but anyway

enough about Terrace House I should have said spoilers sorry yeah pretty big spoilers there not to the sixth sense Terrace House no I listen to you on Radio 5 Not to the Sixth Sense Terraced House No Oh You were

I listened to you On Radio 5 On Radio 5 Live Radio 5 Live It was You were on last night I watched it on Catch Up This morning

And for the best Because it turns out Your interview Was about two hours in Which would have meant Me waiting up Until 2am yesterday Was it?

They said it would be Just after midnight No no no It was like two hours into the show. Did the show start at midnight? Did the show itself start at midnight? Yeah. Well, then you were like

two and a half hours in maybe? Jesus Christ. Sorry listeners, if I tweeted you should stay up and listen for a sort of, what, 11 minute clip? Yeah, big apologies to anyone who stayed up for that. Oh my word word and big respect yeah actually I mean you're probably

not up you've just slept through your alarm yeah fair fucks to you and you've missed work today but thank you for listening in

it was an enlightening interview between you and Sarah Betts Sarah Betts about Bud Pod it sounds like a good show Bud Pod

it's a very good show and so you guys just make up this conversation on the fly. Well, you know, when you're interviewed about your podcast, you don't want to overplan. There's a really nice moment in the beginning where she plays a clip of Bud Pod. Yeah. And

she gives the obligatory DJs at the end. And it says, so you didn't write that and you have to suppress the urge to go of course not how bad do you think my writing is? It's really difficult

to say to people like how difficult, how easy do you think it would be for me and Phil to sit and go okay and then I'll half interrupt you and then you come up with this idea. If anything it's very impressive writing. It would be for me and phil to sit and go okay and then i'll half interrupt you and then you come up with this idea if anything is very impressive writing it would be the most like w1a writing and the performing how fucking naturalistic are we i would like a bafta if you think it's written and acted i want three different baptists i want acting voiceover

and uh writing they're gonna be podcast after soon do you reckon? There has to be. There's a video game one. I'm amazed there isn't one. The annoying thing is that the reason there's a video game one is because video games, someone finally went, did you guys know that video games are worth like 10 billion and everyone went, oh get the masks, get the big masks.

The golden mask statues for these guys. Maybe it's because enough actors got enough video game voiceover work they went I'm going to try one of these video games there's also so many disciplines involved composers and artists directors

and whoever job it was to motion capture Kevin Spacey and put him in Call of Duty have you seen yeah I now want to play that I didn't when he was still okay now I do want to play that i didn't when he was when he was still okay now i don't want to play it um have you seen um if the e3 do you watch e3 i've seen some clips from it have you seen the the trailer for presentations for cyberpunk 2077 yeah and keanu reeves turns out

keanu reeves pops up at the end as an android with a robot left arm he's in everything well if at E3 you can watch the video of him then being revealed live on stage and people lose their mind

I didn't know he was actually there please welcome Keanu Reeves and he comes out and he's just so spaced out talking about in cyberpunk 2077

you play Blanc. Man on the run. And this is one really weird bit where he finishes one paragraph and then gives it a beat. And then as if he's been reactivated, drops his knees and arms and goes, Cyberpunk.

Cyberpunk. He's just been caught not talking about cyber cyberpunk is set in the far future yeah I really recommend even if you're not into video games watch watch the E3 cyberpunk

I need to see I didn't know I didn't know they made him do a fucked up little speech yeah it's really funny god what is it? I mean, what, $5 million? Yeah, it was on the Xbox Microsoft stage, so I mean, they can pay him whatever they want. That's mad, isn't it?

And yet he still couldn't un-Keanu himself enough. Cyberpunk! Cyberpunk! Oh, my God! And so they couldn't, like... To be fair having seen a few of those E3 clips a lot of them are people coming out and going

think about this they're like horrible little goblin people and they have no gravitas to them whatsoever because they're exactly the kind of people who are millionaires from being alone in a room very carefully coding things for a long long time whereas I suppose

at least Keanu Reeves has got some of that spooky John Wick energy yeah it's supposed to be great the new John Wick I've seen it is it good?

it's good yeah I mean it's ridiculous it's even more it's even more camp and weird than the last one it's even more sort of

you've seen all of them? yeah what? yeah how do you see so many films? I just decide to watch them and then I watch them do you go on your own

I don't always see them in the cinema I think I saw John Wick 2 on Amazon Prime oh okay at some point oh but if I

yeah what's fucked up right is I should watch so many films but I go oh I don't have the time and in between things I look at my phone

I say I'll just look at my phone for a bit I've looked at my phone for the length of And in between things, I look at my phone. I say, I'll just look at my phone for a bit. I've looked at my phone for the length of a film. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you actually decide to do things, you always have time, basically. Also, there's an Odeon down the road, so... Yeah, fair enough. That's quite convenient. But yeah, it's quite camp.

I've seen most films where the choreography is that insane for just guns and things. Because it's just like watching... There's so many explosions and guns in the latest John Wick that at one point I zoned out like I was at the ballet. And he's like backflipping over someone while snapping their neck at the same time.

And I'm just like, I wonder what I'm gonna do. And just completely out of it. Oh, right, the killing. Right, right. And even in that he's still quite oh, oh, John killing. Right, right. And even in that, he's still quite, oh, oh, oh, John, oh, oh. He's still kind of dude, bro. Is he stoned all the time, do you think?

Or is it just what he's like? Because the people we know who are the most like they're stoned all the time often are. Yeah, they're probably our potheads. Yeah. Did he start the whole, oh, dude. Did he start the whole, oh, dude.

Did he start that accent? I think Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure really kicked it off. Right. But it's like a California accent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. From what I can tell. He's half Japanese. No, he's not.

Keanu Reeves, yeah, he's part Japanese. Is he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Half? I don't know if as much as half, but he's definitely part Japanese. Really? Yeah. That's amazing. He's part very innocent. He's part holding hands.

He's part holding hands. He fingers with one hand, holds hands with the other. Like a... John Wick in his little minion socks. He doesn't snap his enemies' necks. He gifts things to some of them and not others.

Yeah. That's the most devastating takedown John Wick has ever done. And the aliens die from heartbreak. Is it aliens he fights? Oh, what? What? Have you never seen any John Wick? No.

What? I didn't know what you were supposed to. Yeah, it was on all our reading lists. No, no. He fights everyone. Like, just everyone in the world. That's such a funny tag No, no. He fights everyone. Like, just everyone in the world. That's such a funny tagline for us. He fights everyone.

For an agent movie. Trust. It's a hard thing to earn. But we here at Lucky Kentucky Bourbon think it's worth fighting for. Which is why we'd like to take this opportunity to address some concerns our customers have been having about our delicious, delicious whiskey.

We know that a lot of you have been finding a lot of pencil shavings in our bottles of bourbon. Now, we're not gonna stand here and lie about the amount of pencil shavings that are in our drinks. All we want to say is we're sorry. We will try harder in the future. We will sharpen our pencils away from the barrels. But most of all, and this is the most important thing to us here at Lucky Kentucky, you will not be receiving any kind of refunds. We just don't wanna give them to you. We don't wanna give you any of your money back because that's not how business works.

We give you a thing and you give us your money. We know the thing we gave you isn't exactly what you expected. It had a lot more pencil shavings in it than you expected, but we don't care. Because here at Lucky Kentucky, we believe in trust. And we trust that you're a big enough alcoholic you're just going to keep on buying our drink I used to describe Taken to people when they asked me what it was like

have you seen Taken yet? Liam Neeson murders Paris I can't really describe it any better than that. John Wick, Phil, takes place in a universe where there are absolutely no police. Oh, okay. They don't say that, but it must be true. Because the shit they get up to, you never see a pair of flashing lights at any stage.

Are they being quiet about their crimes? No, Philip. They are, if if anything overt and loud and explosiony um basically it's like a whole thing like a secret uh assassins club and there's like assassins all over the world and he's like the best one and he has to come out of retirement okay basically in the first one he's taking on a kind of arm of the r mob in New York. Oh, okay. That sounds really good, actually. It is good.

It gradually becomes more and more ridiculous. But that's okay. And like all movies, it happens in New York. Would you say that the city is a character in itself? I would, yeah. Is that why New York City roads are jammed all the time people filming

I don't think anyone lives there yeah there's a big film set you can go visit when I was a kid I was just like right so everything

happens in New York or LA that's it and you grew up to find out that was true it is true it is true do you think it's weird

living there as a child like if you're like I'm a New York kid but like every movie you go to see is like a thousand times more thrilling because you're like i fucking live there well you think that and like there are times when you watch a movie in london and then suddenly they'll be in london like in thor the what thor what's it called the dark world dark is it dark world. Not very good. But there's loads of shit in London. And the first moment

you see the gherkin, maybe a couple of people go, oh! But three minutes into Thor smashing through the London Eye, you couldn't give a shit. You just don't care. You don't care at all. Because I think there's something that comes with living

in a major western capital or big city in the in new york case uh where you're used to you're kind of used to being the center of attention yeah that's true isn't it i think if you lived in like i remember a movie came out um entrapment with sean connery and katherine zeta jones you watch this yeah there's a whole lot of it that's set in Kuala Lumpur in Malaysia. Really? And people lost their minds. Cues around the block. Yeah, people couldn't believe it.

And then when we watched it, everyone was so insulted because they made Kuala Lumpur look like a fucking slum. They made it look like a water village. But they needed the twin towers, which are these huge metal obelisks that stick up in the sky. So they just had a bit of both. They had these twin towers, and then every other building around it was a wooden shack.

So just in the background, you see the twin towers, the tallest buildings in the world at the time. And Sean Connery walking through what looked like a chinese village from the 1400s yeah everyone's wearing the paddy hats yeah pushing carts around there's always a thing where a chicken runs across your feet and and him and kathleen jones like we gotta plan how to enter the elevator shaft tomorrow and And... Sorry, I didn't really think of that Sean Connery accent before I tried it. It was good.

And, I mean, we best get some rest on this bamboo mat. Well, yeah, of course. They're on the little floor, like, floor mats. And they've got wooden bowls of mysterious soup. That's insane. There's a scene in Zoolander about the Malaysian Prime Minister as well.

Yes, yes. Who is inexplicably Chinese, even though that is impossible. That's like the opposite. Legally in Malaysia. Oh, wow. It's illegal. You have to be Muslim

to hold high office, I think. Bloody hell. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. At least that was the case. So, and everyone's holding signs in Chinese. Yeah. I'm pretty sure. At least that was the case. And everyone's holding signs in Chinese. Right. Which is not the national language.

Oh, God. And a lot of the Chinese people who live in Malaysia can't actually read Chinese. But just how little research can you do on the subject? It's like there's that Call of Duty level set in Pakistan. And all the signs are in Arabic. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because to Americans it's just like, Arabic is if you're brown. Brown squiggles.

Brown squiggles. Yeah, I speak brown squiggles. Also, he was a very good trumpeter in the 30s. Brown squiggles. Brown squiggles. In a world where social justice reigns supreme, only one man practices equal opportunities enough to fight everyone. He fights everyone.

Sure, you can fight me. But you'd never fight this baby, would you? Would I? Oh my god, he just punched that baby! I love that guy! Cool! He doesn't see age! Only one man is brave enough to fight a people no one else will. His isolated fortress is impenetrable because it's guarded by extremely short-sighted nuns.

Of all ages, and some with physical ailments, no one's ever had the guts to beat them all to death to get inside. I make a point of fighting nuns all the time. I guess you could call it a habit. But can the man who fights everyone fight the one person that's closest to him? But dad, I'm your son! I'm not even in your line of work, I'm not involved in what you do. I just... I just work in recruitment.

Yes, yes, he can. Real, real easily. Like, I mean, he fights everyone. I cannot stress this enough. He fights everyone. This summer, Jim Broadbent fights everyone. He fights everyone. This is weird, Phil, but the other day I saw what I call a street mystery. Did it have, like, an icon of a magnifying glass floating above it? A big purple question mark. I don't need any bonus items today, but my pack is full,

and I'm moving at half speed as a result. I also have a feeling that the main story is about to wrap up so I better get these side quests in. So you came across a side quest in real life? Yeah I did actually that's a good way of putting it. Real life side quests. And once I explain what these are to you listeners send yours in because I think these pop up quite a lot. Yeah send in your side quests and not just like chores. Yeah. Side quests that pop up quite a lot. Yeah, send in your side quests. And not just like chores. Yeah. Not like hoovering. Side quests that pop up in life. Yeah, hoovering is a mini game, not a side quest.

So what happened in your mystery side quest? Well, I was walking down the road back from seeing John Wick kill everyone. Oh, yeah. And... Spoilers. Sorry. Kill some people. Okay.

And so near where I live, there's a big kind of railway bridge that the the all the trains go across right as is the want of a railway bridge that's right and you walk under the bridge like you like they've got them in like finsbury park and stuff and like here in holloway there's a big railway bridge and you walk under it and it's like a busy like four lane road Holloway Road and this is maybe at midnight on a week

night, like Thursday Okay, bang in the middle of the week Bang in the middle of the week's little face and there was a car parked on, like in the tunnel where it should not on face. Yeah. And there was a car parked on, like, in the tunnel, where it should not... On the road.

...shall not be parked, yeah. Car parked, and it's like red lines, like, you absolutely cannot do that. Yeah. And it's just not on, and it's just there, and there's no one in it. But, like... Was there a troll?

Was there a troll in it? Hey, I'm going through a tough time. I'm going to sleep in my car it's the best bridge i can find um and there was a lady who sort of was quite well dressed with her phone out and kept like it was like she was looking at her phone for directions or like updates on something but was quite spaced out and kept trying to like half-heartedly open the passenger door and the back passenger door. But not really trying. She was looking at her phone.

Yeah, but ultimately trying and looking at her phone as if the answer to why the door wasn't locked was in the phone. Or like she thought it was her Uber. Yeah, but there was no one in it. And she was just going like... It's a flying Dutchman of Ubers. It's a ghost Uber.

Our first ever ghost Uber. I would love to hear the sea shanty ballad. Not the Flying Dutchman. The Flying Somaliaman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Flying Somaliaman. And his all green, like green flames. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Welcome to me car. He still talks like a pirate. Smiley pirates. flames like ha ha ha welcome to me car he still talks like a pirate smiley pirates that's somali pirates not smiley pirates not smiley pirates although they could if they had a good day of pirating if they've just had a load of cat

yes chewing on a load of cat k-h-a-T for interested listeners With access to the dark web And a penchant for Getting very nervous Apparently makes you very anxious Imagine

Just sitting around all day Well I was about to say imagine sitting around all day Getting more and more nervous I drink coffee Don't need to imagine it It's what I do And so she's kind of like and she's kind of like oh and she's like kind of you know when someone pulls on a handle

but you can see they're not pulling nearly hard enough even if it was open yeah that's what she's doing to these little handles like and looking at her phone like oh and she's kind of like and like people are walking by and she's looking at them as if she's considering going, would you help me with this? But she's looking like in a kind of spaced out way like, oh, like her eyes never focus on any particular person. It's like she's just going, there are people behind me. And this thing is in the road.

Yeah. Like not entirely blocking the street, but blocking half of it in a tunnel. It definitely fits the description of a suspicious vehicle. Yeah. And I was like, I was with my flatmate. We'd seen the film. We were walking back and he didn't give a shit. He was like, whatever.

I was like, no, no, no. I need to see. I need to see what's happening. Yeah. And I was like, what is this? And then just nothing happened for like six minutes. I was like, what the fuck? And then just nothing happened for like six minutes. I was like, what the fuck? What is, what's the problem?

Whose car is that? And then eventually an actual Uber looking car. Like, you know, where it's like those weird, like white, those white cars. Like basically whenever I see a white car, it's an Uber. Okay. Like a white Prius. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I think it was a Prius, but it ended like the, lots of like lights on the back, like modern. Anyway, whatever. This white car pulls up and I go, we think, ah, that's an Uber. And it's not. The car pulls up and the like brake lights

and it's right behind the parked car. So now there are two cars illegally blocking the tunnel. And she kind of like looks at it and like doesn't ever even go up to it or talk to it. And then eventually she just kind of like looks at it and like doesn't ever even go up to it or talk to it and then eventually she just kind of like kind of just bumps into the side of the locked car with her whole body

like a video game guy yeah and then almost using the energy from that bump just walks over to the bus stop where we are and starts waiting for a bus wow and then at that point my flatmate was like we need to go did she think that was the bus? where we are and starts waiting for a bus. Wow. And then at that point my flatmate was like, we need to go. Did she think that was the bus?

I don't know. This is a small bus. Why is this small bus locked? So then what happened to the new white car? That was the ghost Uber, maybe. Maybe, well, this is it. White, glowing ghost car. It was just just there and at that point my flatmate was like we let's go home i think my side quest was to be like bare minimum do you need

any help madam with this mystery yeah but i didn't do it i was a bad citizen yeah i'm a terrible citizen i don't offer help to no one i'll carry um an old fuck's bag up some stairs but aside from that an old fuck yeah i'll carry a pram i love i happily carry a pram i like carrying but we love we love babies yeah yeah i want to ran down a tube platform because i saw a lady with a baby going around the corner i know the stairs coming up because that's where i live and i ran and I said panting do you need any help that's the perfect intersection of innocent and creepy yeah I guess so yeah yeah because it's obviously lovely and charming but also it's mad I I won't say it's the um premeditation of it yeah I'm planning to have a I'm planning to be really nice about it to be a nice cute boy

I once carried a a kid on a pram a little American boy or at least his dad was American and because I was helping carry him up loads of stairs it was like quite like a bit like bumpy

and the kid was like losing his mind laughing yeah he was like like he was like the king this is my rocket ship and the American dad was like

he loves it was he talking about you yeah laughing at the kid yelling yeah i failed my side quest yeah yeah i i don't offer help to people a lot it should still be available if you go back. She should respawn. It's one of those ones where it's like at midnight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On that day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like stuff in The Witcher. It's a night time one, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't ever... It's rare for me to offer help. If I see people who are so baffled by a tube map that they're actually also blocking the entire corridor,

then sometimes I might offer help. But mostly I get asked a lot. Oh, yeah? I get asked a lot for directions directions you look like you know where you're going i think at least you can you can see further than anyone because you're tall that's right yes because i get asked i think well i think i reckon everyone thinks that they get singled out to help people yes yes yes maybe it's one of those things where people are like, I'm just always... In truth, we all get asked about the same amount, but because you only notice what happens to you, you think, oh, what? Do I have a sign on my

back? Because that's how I feel sometimes. I got asked once to phone... I got stopped in Angel at night time by these two tiny little Israeli women. These little babushkas. Israeli babushkas?

Yeah. A lot of the Israeli population is Russian descent. A lot of the Israeli... Sure. I mean babushkas in appearance. It's the kind of country you have to flee. You know like headscarves and little...

Wicker bags. Dome shaped bodies uh-huh and they were shuffling about in angel the two babushkas and they immediately they were just like kind of shuffling and looking and then when muggins here goes past flags me down uh hey excuse me please and eventually it turns out what she wants is for me to copy a number from her phone onto my phone. So I can ring her son. Okay. Who lives around the corner.

Right. But they can't figure out the map enough, even though I just gave them directions for that as well. So he can come and pick them up. Why couldn't she call her son on her phone? Yeah, she didn't have a provider or something. Oh, I see. I don't know. But basically, the flat was 200 meters away. It was just round a corner.

Yeah. And they were, where is the least place? I was like, over there. Yeah. And then like, they look at you like you've just suggested, oh, just calculate sign curves to this degree. Or you just have to fly. If you just jump up and fly.

If you jump onto the moon. Yeah. Then jump off the moon. You should land. You'd be right there. So I said it's literally there. Oh please, to a telephone. And so I ended up bringing this guy

and he's like, hello, who is this? I was like, your mum is here. By angel chief's decision. Come pick up your mum and her friend. Your aunt I should. And how did he react? He was like, oh oh right he was totally like oh this happens all the time

he didn't even ask any questions right do you still have this guy's number let's call him now I guess I must do you're live on Budpod how's your mother you still living the place

how have things been that's funny I had quite a strange side quest offer when I first moved to London I was just walking to the tube I lived up in Camden there and this lady was

walking from the station with these two big plastic bags and when she saw me as I approached her she went can you help like we knew each other with these two big plastic bags. Right. And when she saw me, as I approached her, she went, ugh, can you help? Like we knew each other.

And I said, what? Can you take these bags to my house? Like you knew each other, and you were late for helping her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I said, ugh,

can you, look, can you take these to my house? I said, what? Can you carry these, please take these to my house? I said, oh, I, I mean, now I say it out loud now,

maybe it sounds like I was being quite unreasonable. But it's quite strange. No, it's very odd. She wanted me to take it to her house with her, follow her to her home. For all you know, this is a... She's a young lady. Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, like 20s. What? I was imagining another babushka. Yeah, I I mean that would have made sense if some old lady is like I'm frail but she was a healthy fit young lady

what the fuck like can you carry these that seems like a trap yeah that's what I thought it was a trap yeah those bags are full of heads yeah yeah yeah

and they all look like your head what how did you get on my head I've been waiting I've got a bag full of your heads like you asked

like we agreed So what happened I said No sorry And she went Like this happens all the time Which I'm sure it does I guess it must if that's your attitude

Maybe I should just help I get killed whatever That was a trap Have you seen that hidden camera thing Where they have Scarlett Johansson in the back of a van Maybe I should just help. What's the worst? I get killed, whatever. That was a trap. Does that... Have you seen that hidden camera thing where they'd have Scarlett Johansson in the back of a van? There's a movie where she... In Under the Skin.

Yeah, but they did it for real. Yeah. Part of the publicity for it. They did it for real in the movie. A lot of the guys in the movie are random dudes in Glasgow. But have you seen the footage of the bits where they're like, no. Oh, right, right, right. Like so many of them

are like, no, I I'm not getting in the van. Because you can see in their faces, they just go this is definitely a big trap. I'm gonna get killed. I have so much respect for the dudes who are like yeah, oh. Who, I mean, it's quite yeah, who simultaneously don't recognize Scarlett Johansson.

Yeah. And are also willing to jump in a car with a strange woman. And they think they live in a world where that, A, happens. Yeah. And B, happens to them. How much porn do you watch? Do you have to watch before you start thinking this actually does happen in real life? Yeah, before you start thinking this actually does happen in real life a lot yeah before you start going maybe

maybe and then like they look in the mirror and they go well I've got a big saggy face and I have a big alcoholic blood red nose

yeah and weird darting eyes and I oh but I'm sure that this would still of all the people who walk past the van

they'd pick me out for my charisma. Which just exudes from me like an energy. Like the smell of booze, which also exudes from me. Maybe that's it. Maybe they were just pissed enough to believe it could happen. I've been there. Hi, you here for Phil?

Philip, I'm here for you. All right. Yeah, cool. Yeah. for you. Alright, um, yeah, cool. Yeah, huh. You're going to W3, yes? That's right, yeah, W3, uh, TND.

Yes. Why are you talking? Are you okay? Fine. How are you? Oh, oh, you know, just a couple of drinks with friends, you know Nothing too mad, work in the morning Carousing, yes Carousing?

Yes, I caroused when I was a mortal man Sorry, where are you from? London Okay You said when you were a mortal man Yes Was that in the city? Is that a city job? Okay You say when you were a mortal man Yes Was that in the city? Is that a city job? Oh, I'm sorry, no

I mean before I passed into this shadowy plain Lewisham? That's good, yes But I meant through the veil The veil of death I'm dead, I'm a ghost Sorry, people say I'm not clear enough in my language. I'm a ghost. I'm stuck in this world with unfinished business trapped

between this realm and the next. So by unfinished business you mean like, uncompleted trips? I'm not sure what my unfinished business is, so in the meantime, I need to pay rent. Rent? Where do you live? I live in the same house I lived in when I was alive. But the contract didn't have an expiry point. That's the kind of landlords that you only

get in London, am I right? Oh, right. So there's not so much unfinished business you have as an unfinished tenancy contract. That too, yes. Okay. Sorry, can you turn the radio on? Sure. It's just that I've had a long night. No, I get it. No, it's nothing personal. No, I understand. No, believe me normally I love a chat it's just that I've just had a lot to do don't want me talking

no I understand hey no one knows more than me what it's like to be dead tired oh yeah it's very good because you're a ghost yeah could you pop it on real loud I was very hungover yesterday Yes. Yeah, okay. Yeah, could you pop it on real loud?

I was very hungover yesterday. Mmm. On that worst drug of them all. Alkyhol. Booze. I was just, I didn't have a single, I didn't have a modicum of a headache, but I was just sad. All day, and I couldn't do anything. I couldn't start anything, you know. I'd start reading something and go, what the point't start anything I'd start reading something and go what the point and then I'd start watching something and go I don't understand this and I started

a video game and was like this is hard and there were times when I just sat on the server just looking at my phone home screen not even knowing what app I wanted to open going those are terrible. Oh, God.

How did you... Did you snap out of it? Did you just go to bed like that? No, you'd have to wait to go to bed to reset and turn off and on again. No. Was it a... Did you eat your hangover? Were you not eating?

I find it's one or the other. I wake up with a hangover. Yeah. And I don't know if this is rare or not, but I am so horny. Yeah. Hangover horn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it?

Yeah. So I... But then that means you squirt out all your incentive and happiness for the day. And your last remaining fluid. Yeah. So you're even thirstier than you are. Yeah. You're like one of those Incan mummies like a Peruvian

just like this like dry crispy crispy skeleton man yeah I wrapped in bandages but that's just all

the lure all the fucking gunked up sticking to my skin are they gonna show that clip on Radio 5 Live? Let's hope so. Okay. Yeah, I hope so.

It's live! Although it wasn't live. It was a pre-record, yeah. But weirdly, a pre-record by like four hours. Radio 5 Lie, more like. Yeah, that's right. So, wank shower tea. That's what I had to do for Hangover. Wank shower tea. And that order, I find, shower, tea. That's what I had to do for a hangover.

Wank, shower, tea. And that order, I find, is the best. Yeah, you wouldn't... Tea and then a shower would be odd. Yeah. That would feel weird, I think. Yeah. And sugar in the tea?

Never. Oh, okay, interesting. You have sugar in the... But just on a hangover, is it? If I had a hang... Sometimes if I have a hangover, or if I'm, like, in a weird mood or hungry or something, I think, I'll put some sugar

in this goddamn tea. I'll put a bit of honey in there sometimes, which is very nice. Ah, nature's sugar. Yeah. Yeah.

The sugar of the bee. Bee bum shug. Bee bum shug. Bee bum shug. Bee bum shug for a Wang Shower tea. Man, if I shat honey, I'd never leave the house.

You know what I mean so but like that have you ever have you never found a way of getting yourself out of this day long funk

no that's why people talk about hangovers like they're finished by 2pm I'm sad until I go to bed I have cloudy brain

yeah I can't think of anything your brain just it's not so much cloud as it just it can't get started. Yeah. Cloud is like, cloudy brain is like, you're thinking, but you're just running into walls.

Yeah. Whereas hangover depression is just, you can't even get, it's like, I feel like the Nazis trying to start their car in Sound of Music, but those bitch nuns have stolen the spark plug. You know? Kung, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, k Bitch nuns have stolen the spark plug You know That's me I'm a Nazi without a spark plug on a hangover I think that's fair Sorry guys I'm just an absolute Nazi without a spark plug emails, phone calligraphy, your sister, your sister,

your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister,

your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister,

your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, correspondence. That's right, it's time for some correspondence.

What's the weirdest way you can pronounce the word correspondence? Um, co, co, co, cor,

cori, spoon dance. Cori spoon dance. Cori spoonoon Dance. Cori Spoon Dance. Cori Spoon Dance. A Cori Spoon Dance. Sign for a Cori Spoon Dance. It's a dance that you do with a spoon

on Coronation Street. Yeah. Or a Curry Spoon Dance. Yes. Right. Anyway. It sounds like euphemism for, like, diarrhea.

I had to do the old curry spoon dance. I'd like to thank Jack for getting in touch and correcting our pronunciation of the Dutch word for bread is in fact pronounced brood. Thanks, Jack. Brood. Which he says sounds more like a fart. I've been embarrassing myself the last few weeks.

He says that sounds more like a fart. Brood, brood, brood. Baroque vet gets in touch. Baroque vet. Like a vet who plays the harpsichord. Oh, that was the name that popped up on the email, but now she says from Rachel. Okay.

Yeah, Baroque vet with loads of twiddly bits and gold leaf. Dear Pierre and Phil, I've recently discovered Budpod through a roundabout way of seeing a clip of Pierre on YouTube and going, hey Solaris, I'd like to see more of his stuff. Yes, yes, yes. The system works.

I've binge listened to all 14 episodes on my way to and from work, and the two of you have made a couple of rather frustrating weeks much better. Thank you very much. I want to let you know that the Sinhalese word for bread is Pa'ong. Pa'ong.

Yeah, I've had a couple of pongs. Yeah, I was doing that yesterday. That's when you're sat on the toilet so you get that reverb. The pong. The metallic sound. Yeah. Ceramic reverb. What's Sinhalese? Sinhalese is

near, it's like near India, no? Sri Lankan, yeah. I thought they spoke Tamil. Oh, mate. That's why there's all that ethnic strife, right? I know there's the Tamil Tigers and they fight

people who are not Tamil Tigers, but I presume they all spoke the same language. No, it's a colonial country. What do you know? That's never the case. Why? They're the majority of the population of Sri Lanka, nonetheless.

Why? Or Sinaloa. Yeah. What do you mean, why? Name me a colonial country. We're both from colonial countries. There's no one language. And everyone hates each other.

No one gets on. A colonial country where they all speak one language. Even Canada, they speak French as well. And all the native languages. Rats, rats, rats. It's got to be somewhere. Burma! No.

They've got the Rohingya Muslims. Yeah, but that doesn't mean they don't speak Burmese. Let's find out. Sorry, we're getting distracted. Rohingya. What language do they speak? I doubt they speak, like, Arabic. Well, I would assume they speak Bengali.

Because they're on the border with Bangladesh. Oh. Um. What language do they speak? Um. Language. Language. It's a Rohingya language

gotcha damn it take that it's a specific challenge it's pretty difficult, listeners if you can think of a colonial country where they all speak one language, write in but I don't, there can't be one anyway, I mean Hong Kong's close with Cantonese

but it's not technically a country yeah, that's true, it's close I wasese but it's not technically a country yeah that's true it's close I was going to say Singapore anyway as a veterinarian who spends an inordinate amount of time Indonesia there must be more than one Indonesian language no but how's Indonesia

well I mean I think every country's going to have it's fucking equivalent of Cornish we'll research Indonesia later, but... Okay. As a veterinarian who spends an inordinate amount of time examining samples of bodily fluids, and as a Melbournian...

Oh, yeah. Phil's sample collection trials were very brilliant. Oh, great, yeah. Big fan of you. Good city to carry around a bag of your own shit in, Melvin. Famously. I did want to correct you on one slight point in, I think, episode 13.

I think I know what I did. When you said that rodents were incontinent, which is true, but then made a joke about Bugs Bunny. Remember? Yeah, and I said rabbits are rodents. Rabbits are legomorphs. What? Legomorphs, not rodents. And they can be litter-trained like cats.

Legomorphs. You can click them And they can be litter trained like cats. Legomorphs. You can click them together with little bricks. Yes. Okay. I also wanted to share my most authoritarian and libertarian thoughts. Authoritarian, all road cyclists should have number plates or some kind of registration and there should be a test before they can ride on the road. I think that's a good point.

Libertarian, all medical personnel and staff should have one day of the year where they are allowed To be brutally honest with the general public Or like in a press conference Or just to all their patients Hopefully to their patients You're sick because you drink you fucking asshole I absolutely do think we should

Have a purge like Day of honesty Yeah yeah yeah But how do you police that How do you police the fallback from that later on because then like the next day everyone's forgotten what you said yeah i think it's more that it becomes culturally like uh no one no one mentioning that thing that someone did when they were drunk okay okay okay maybe that would have to be it would be like a selective memory

concept but yeah people would in their hearts people would remember what you'd said. That's for damn sure. Rachel says, she's coming to the UK for work and travel in August, so I'm hoping to catch a couple of your gigs. We'll be at the Fringe in Edinburgh for all of August, so hopefully that doesn't fuck up the whole plan there. Keep jacking it, Rachel. Thanks, Rachel. Let's email her.

P.S. Thank you to Pierre for the music recommendation. Trials of Kato are amazing. I can't stop listening to Tom Payne's Bones on repeat. They were featured on Six Music yesterday. They've been on a couple of times. Yeah. They're doing well. Another Melbornian.

Oh, wow. Gets in touch. We have a type. Hi, PNP. Please stand by for my okay thank you moment. All right. I was in my first relationship and everything was going well. It had been two weeks

and I was feeling good vibes. However, all that was going to change. As my boyfriend goes to leave, he says, I love you, bye. Shocked by this statement, I respond with,

I acknowledge and accept that. Let's just say it did not go down well. If you are listening to this i'm sorry and i acknowledge and accept your feelings dell that is like the steampunk version of okay thank you i acknowledge and accept that's the version that has a top hat with goggles on uh lloyd gets in touch lloyd lloyd lolloyd uh itDogs I've been looking for an excuse to write in And episode 13 gave me flashbacks To when I was around 6 years old at a roller skate park

My best friend and I were chasing Bouncy balls we had purchased to increase Our skating pleasure What? So like you're on skates, you're skating about But you're bouncing them balls And they're pinging around and you're chasing them. Yeah.

That's a good idea. They should, you should be able to throw them downwards and they should maintain their forward momentum. So they should follow you. I think you would only bounce downwards. And then you've got all the cool angles in a skate park. Cool, cool angles. That's very cool.

To increase our skating pleasure when he threw his ball into me much like an unbreakable egg and my enraged response classically was to skate into him clattering our skates together and knocking us both over in my post ball struck temper i menacingly pulled him close and stated that really hurt I can't imagine a skater saying that Well I can imagine a 13 year old skater saying that I thought pain was just part and parcel of the Of the business I think they say that but

Secretly that really hurt That really hurt actually Frank gets in touch again with a suggestion for a covert greeting Okay Budpod greeting Oh yeah Oh yes we asked about these last time. Yeah. Hi Buds,

suggestion for covert Buds to greet each other. How do you like your donuts? Just glazed, baby. What? Oh. You said that last week. Alright. Remember we were talking about donuts. Yeah, yeah. And I had those big jam boys. Yeah, and I just like the glazed ones. Oh, did I say just glazed, baby? Yeah, just glazed,

baby. That's a, yeah, that's a... He said, this is did I say just glazed, baby? Just glazed, baby! That's, yeah, that's... He said, this is solely based off the last episode, mainly as I couldn't stop chuckling about this for the next hour and have to agree. Glazed are the superior, don't they? They are the best. I think, considering that I did not initially recognise what he was talking about,

maybe it's not the best COVID-19. I think the obvious choice, he says, is, are you a pilot? Yes, how am I supposed to get to work now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's pretty good. Are you a pilot? I think that's what we suggested that last week.

Possibly. Yeah. Are you a pilot? Are you a pilot? Yes. How am I supposed to get to work now? Oh, no, but no, the person's supposed to say, I am a pilot. Yeah, yeah.

Whereas now saying, are you a pilot? That could be it. Oh, last uh episode we talked about sports commentators and how often they just have to fill time yeah and you were talking about oh beef argentinian beef yeah yeah uh michael gets in touch and says uh uh in last year's tottenham versus real madrid matchup james richardson came out with this and i honestly can't decide if it's the best or worst bit of commentary I've ever heard Dele Alli had just scored on a

counter-attack and James Richardson said Real Madrid like salami, cut up on the counter by the Dele man You know he looked down to read that He'd written that before. He's like, I really hope Dele Alli scores a goal. We have an email from the slow pooer.

Oh, really? Yeah. He heard... What a rare treat. Yeah. Well, it's all... Listener, if you don't know, the slow pooer is a person we know who doesn't use their bum muscles to poo

and takes ages to poo as a result because they just let the poo happen on its own. He is convinced that the natural way to defecate is by glacial erosion. Yeah. It's very weird. And the lady on Five Live wanted to talk about it, of all the things.

That's what 2am radio is. She was genuinely fascinated. She was like, wow, that's what 2am radio is she was genuinely fascinated she was like wow that's so because it is insane i think she said at some point i'd love to talk to him about it maybe we should do an interview like like arrange it and they're like an actor has spoken the words yeah yeah to maintain anonymity or maybe muffle his voice like well i just don't think it's good for you to squeeze your bum cheeks together what if i did myself a mischief by pushing poo out my bum yeah like he's in the ira in a documentary um so the email is written entirely in capitals and deliberately i think badly spelled and weird yep uh well well well mention me at primetime, BBC5 Live. So, mention me, he says.

Talking about my plops with Sarah Bleep. Well, that's torn it. You'll catch it, you'll catch it. Catch what? It's never clear. I think he means fate? Revenge? Yeah, I guess revenge.

You'll catch it, you'll catch it. Or just another email, probably. Yeah. Five billion listeners UK-wide tuning in to my plops. You ought to be ashamed. My grands might have been listening. Did you not think of that? No.

They're crying for weeks now, and it's yours too's fault. We're listening to this on your five life. I'm on my way to your toilets. I'm on my way to your toilets, and they're getting filled up with frogs. I mean, full up, dead and alive, I've got frogs. And glug, glug, glug be they'll be bulging up your toilet so plopping for you will be a pipe dream only.

And then you'll say I wish I had longer to sort this out. And you'll take time in future for plops and you won't mention me on the boobie sea. I hope you like

the taste of frogs up your asses. You'll catch it. You'll catch it. From Slopu. S-L-O-P-U. So he's going to come to our toilet and fill

the toilet bowls with frogs. It's certainly what he's threatening. And he seems to be saying that we'll have to do our shit so quickly for fear of frogs that we'll miss the time. No, isn't he saying that we'll have to take so much time arranging

our shits, getting these frogs out of the way, that we'll effectively become slow pooers ourselves. Either way, I think he's trying to convert us to his point of view with frog violence. Yeah, yeah, yeah. While we don't negotiate with bum terrorists. Well, that's shown us we won't mention

slow pooer anymore. Yeah, unless the BBC does. Yeah. We will respond to questions, I guess. Yeah, I think it's going to be on the Today programme tomorrow. Well, thank you for listening. It's been a good episode, I think. I think it's been a fun episode.

Sweet 16. Sweet 16. Get in touch. This podcast can finally sign up to the army yes at a sort of initial like low level stage but not vote yeah sign up to the army but not go into combat till you're 18 i think all right is that it yeah something like that they've got some weird half rule okay can we get married can this podcast get married yes can i have? Can this podcast get married? Yes. Can I have sex? Yes. This podcast can have sex? Someone could finally fuck the podcast.

Yeah, like what we do every week. But it would still be a scandal. Yes, it would be a scandal. Unless whoever fucked this podcast was also 16. Even then. Even then? Do you think? Yeah, people would be like, how dare you leave your podcast unsupervised like that?

But I guess we're very relaxed parents we are relaxed parents we rather podcast than do it at home yeah than out there yeah exactly well thank you

for listening everyone and get in touch thebudpod at gmail.com or at thebudpod on twitter and see you next week bye okay thank you bye

bye