BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 160 - Tub of Pills

Episode Date: April 20, 2022

Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie chat pill freedom and Bridgerton, brunch and correspondence from Elle's rude piss and Rob's running mishap! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 160. 160. Yeah. I'm a manic dream girl pixie. Yes, yes you are, Phil. Yes. Because I've got short hair. I just had a haircut.

That makes me a manic pixie dream girl, I think. Manic pixie dream, Phil, is very funny, good title for a show. Yeah, the reference is just a bit too old now. It's quite like a vintage reference, so a manic pixie dream girl. Yeah. I do have a shortcut. I have short hair at the moment, Pierre, because in Melbourne, I got a haircut from, i'm not exaggerating a furious

korean lady she cut my hair like it had just broken up with her really she was like like that she just kept i thought she's gonna take my ears off like she was just going in drive with this pair of scissors no control just like my head was a hedge i i was genuinely scared about my ears but she did a good job in the end but i was terrified was um so the way she was cutting your hair was like in a in a video game where you like you were like minecraft or one of those survival games you like you punch a tree to make logs and then you punch the logs to make planks yeah yeah that's right that's right attacking your head to make it like a haircut

she was like the orcs in uh what is it it's not warhammer oh well the warcraft the warcraft yeah okay and they go and they just chop up the wood or they pick up the rocks yeah and it's just yeah it was like just harvesting my head for resources. That's how she cut my hair. Yeah, like an Age of Empires villager just hammering the edges of your head and a haircut just slowly appears. Yeah. Oh, wow. And was this, because of course, you know,

there's enough of an Asian population in Australia. was this an Asian barber? An Asian hairdresser? It was a Korean hairdresser. Pretty much all the hairdressers in Melbourne are Korean, it seems. All the hairdressers or all the hairdressers that cater to Asian hair? All the Asian hairdressers are Korean hairdressers. Oh, okay. okay yeah all right oh interesting i didn't realize it was a korean population there yeah it seems to be quite a decent one and like probably korean i mean like very not very little english and yeah yeah yeah so properly korean i mean yeah the asian diasporas in melbourne are pretty authentic

the pretty recent arrivals i think oh wow i really would never have thought korean i wonder what what would an australian korean what's it what's the whether that what does that end up culturally with oh yeah i don't know they're both pretty competitive places competitive but i feel like australia is laid back in a way that Korea is not yeah that's right Koreans are very particular and neat and Australians I do not describe

those values to exactly yeah an uptight surfer yeah the movie Parasite couldn't happen in Australia I don't think Yeah, an uptight surfer. Maybe. Yeah, the movie Parasite couldn't happen in Australia, I don't think. Because even the millionaires act, you know, they behave like they're crocodile dundees. They're still Australian.

Yeah. That's true. It's a very flat society. Have you felt flat while you're out there um yes yes i felt uh i felt flat i felt fat uh because i i was eating so much yes i got i i spent so long with my personal training in london trying to get into shape for my world tour and then two weeks in melbourne food capital of the world i'm back to where i started oh mate just lots of noodles and oil lots of oil lots of fat lots of brunch of course full fat um coffee drinks full fat milk flat white and frost. Frothed dairy fats.

And now, but don't worry, Pierre, I'm sure to lose weight now because I'm now in America. Oh, good. Where food is famously lean and low in calories. Oh, and the portions are Scrooge-like. Yeah, the portions are really small.

Actually, that said, Pierre, I'm currently in Brooklyn. Brooklyn City, America. I'm currently in Brooklyn. Brooklyn City, America. I'm currently in Brooklyn. And last night I went out on my own to like a nice, like a little bistro place. Oh. And it was... Eating out on your own is usually what I really enjoy.

Except when you turn up to a place and you look at the menu and the menu's like platters to share. It's like sharing plates. Oh no. Yeah. And then you have to be like, oh, how do you eat tapas for one? Oh.

Yeah, the kind of place that's always advertised where it's like a table of like five or six graphic designers hanging out. advertised where it's like a table of like five or six graphic designers hanging out and i asked the lady because it was like one of those menus are split into like sharing plates and then like mains the second half is mains and they'll go you want to get like two or three plates per person whatever and so i said to this lady it's just me do i is is it too much if i get a main and one of the sharing plates on the side and she was like yeah that'll be a brick spread and i was like wow an american is telling me that'll be too much yeah i'm just gonna get

the main course i just got this result i ordered the risotto and it came back and it was like a fancy places portion of risotto it was like oh you mean, you mean a dollop? Yeah, it was like a dollop. A little dollop of risotto with some green veg. Uh-uh. And I was like, wow, Brook... This is why the rest of America hates New York. Yeah. Yeah.

Because New Yorkers think they're European. Yeah, they're having dollops of risotto. I got angry. I was like, how dare... Look at me. How dare you think this is enough i have been training in australia for this so i had that then i'd order another and i ordered one of the plates at this one of the sharing plates and i shared it with myself yes i love it What did you share with yourself? They were delicious, actually.

Little neck clams. They were clams cooked with sort of pancetta in a garlic parsley sauce. Really nice, Pierre. And you shared them right into your little mouth. Right into my gobber. Shared them with my teeth and my tongue and and my lips you should have had a little party you should have ordered continuously each time like seeing if you're full yet and going nope not yet and each time doing it really like um like as if you're blaming the

the lady yeah just well you've done it again well i hope you're happy i'm still hungry good work good work my compliments to the tiny chef yeah so now phil i have a question about your exposure to melbourne is the home of brunch arguably is there a new brunch trend that we can expect here in the uk that will arrive in about a year what they're really into now in melbourne brunch wise is and it suits me down to the effing ground chinese chili oil with scrambled eggs okay okay so they it's called the chili scramble they got a lot of chili scrambles going on. And there's scrambled eggs with Lao Gan Ma, which is that Chinese dried chili oil that is delicious and addictive and makes everything better. But with scrambled eggs on toast.

Ooh, la, la. So if you have the resources, pod buds, you've got to make. The Chinese supermarket should have Lao Gan Ma, which is just like dried chili oil. Throw some of that chili oil in them scrambled eggs. You will not regret. So that's on its way, chili scramble. Is that what it's called?

Yeah. There was also a new coffee that I'd learned about in Melbourne. They've invented a new coffee called, and this is ridiculous, Pierre, it's called The Magic. No, it's not. It's called The Magic. No, it's not. It's called The Magic. You can order a magic. Like...

So wait, hang on. Do you say, can I have The Magic, please? Or do you say, can I have a magic? Because someone asking for The Magic sounds like they're asking to be wanked off during a massage. Yeah, I was about to say, if you ask for The Magic,

they'd lead you into a back room. Scrambles your chilies. And they scramble your eggs. No, it's a magic. One of the baristas tried to explain it to me as you have to get... It's called the ristretto i think which is the first portion of the espresso which is that kind of oily bit it's the oily fruity tangy

bit and i think instead of and you have to stop it and you have to do another one and you add two ristrettos together and that is your shot i think that's it is. So it's like a little oilier. It's a little fruitier. Sounds wasteful. It's really nice. It does sound wasteful as well. I wonder what they do with the rest. Yeah, can you order a lack of magic and it's the rest? Right.

For like a discount. A secular. That's what that's called. A reality. Yeah, I want the purely secular element of this espresso i would like some secular coffee please and they go they keep asking if you want magic and you just go no no no no no i don't none of that for me thanks and then i landed at jeff k pierre uh yesterday morning and the first my first meal of my america trip was a duncan donuts breakfast bagel oh with just uh coffee in america what's what i do like is that

you can just you can order just a coffee and they will give you a coffee yeah they won't ask you what coffee what to say a coffee like you'll just pour some brown liquid into a cup and they'll give it to you no questions asked like in a tv show where they're trying to avoid a copyright issue in a pub yeah i'll have a pint of beer please and then they get it yeah i think that is i do respect that and that is in some ways why it's the land of the free because you are free to to demand something vague and by god you'll get something it is the land of the free pierre and this is how free i just texted you this picture i was in a pharmacy here in in brooklyn and you can buy a a tub of ibuprofen yeah so in the uk it's you

become a pack of 16 max maximum 16 tablets maximum max and i think you can buy two of those packs maximum so you can have per purchase you can buy 32 ibuprofens maximum. There's one tub of ibuprofen in the pharmacy I was in. It was 1,000 tablets in one bottle. 1,000. 100 times 10 ibuprofen tablets. And you can just buy that. It's $21, value pack, you can just buy

a thousand ibuprofen. That is more than that is more than 30 times the maximum you can buy in the UK. And I think I figured out why pierre

yeah because life is so good in the us the drug companies they know you're not going to kill yourself they know you're good life is free and fun yeah and everyone's upbeat and optimistic whereas in the uk they're like if we let people buy more than 40 ibuprofen they're gonna kill themselves because look what the weather is like ironically they're gonna do it because they can't do it yeah they're gonna kill themselves they want to kill themselves because they can't buy more than 32 ibuprofens in one go they they it'll be a self-solving a self-fulfilling prophecy i've just done a math there Phil per dollar that's

47 and a half tablets per dollar really? oh my god it's roughly two cents a tablet that's astonishing so it's like a land of the free pierre land of the free and you know what and definitely a land of the uninflamed they've yeah they've actually eradicated the headache here

i don't know if you know that it's like smallpox to them it's just an insane question to even ask. A thousand tablets, Pierre, in one bottle. One thousand. How long is that even going to last you? It would be fascinating to go into a pharmacy, Boots or whatever, in the UK, and just say, just go up to the guy and go,

can I have a thousand ibuprofen? They'd just shut the gates and call the police. They'd call the police. Suicide risk, suicide risk. they'd smile and they'd say why is that sir and you'd realize their hand was going and they're pressing a button really rapidly under the desk is everything okay sir at home is everything all right do we need to call someone yeah a thousand how inflamed would you have to be i want a thousand a thousand you'd have to be lord that's what like veruca salt or whatever would need of swelling into a blueberry i prescribe you a thousand ibuprofen that's that would be if someone's in the uk said i'm going to prescribe you a thousand ibuprofen they'd be saying i'm going to try and get you

to kill yourself that's what it would sound like it's astonishing it's truly astonishing i'd feel i'd feel so crazy having a tub of them Yeah, it doesn't feel right It doesn't feel right being able to just put your hand into a jar And you shouldn't be able to like scoop ibuprofen Yeah, it's like if I I would feel as weird scooping it out in powder form With a little scoop like it's a protein shake Yeah, or like washing detergent

Yeah, having a big cardboard box of loose powder like it's a protein shake. Yeah. Or like washing detergent. Yeah. Yeah. Having a big cardboard box of loose powder just labelled painkiller. And just scooping it into drinks and things. Oh my God. Truly astonishing. Yeah, it goes all the way to the ibuprofen. It's not just crazy pop stars

and oxygen tents being given recreational morphine the ordinary crazy guy on the street can be uninflamed to the point of ridiculousness too now I'm in New York Pierre what I've been reacquainted with is I know what is starting to sound like an obsession

of mine with regards to America but metal, metal, metal so much metal, everything's made of metal I was in the bathrooms in JFK all the dividers, metal the bathrooms in LAX, all the dividers between the urinals, metal and you don't realise how little metal actually is

in the UK and Europe these dividers are made from polymers and maybe reinforced glass. It's some kind of plastic noise, isn't it? Or some compressed material. But here it's like metal, metal, metal. And not like neat metal, sort of riveted metal. Like turn-of-the-century metal. metal like turn of the century in metal industrial revolution sort of

chrome plates and i wonder is was it just like was the steel industry here just so big was it with this who's a steel guy because like all like there were a handful of american industrialists that are all famous and they all were responsible for different things, right? Yeah. The Rockefellers were... Oil. What? They were oil.

And then the railways was... What's a Scottish name? What are the railways? Well, some of them are those old Dutch families, like Vanderbilt or whatever, or Vanderpump. I think Vanderbilt was the railways, yeah. Yeah, and so maybe I think the steel guys were similar, but I'm not sure. But can it really have been cheaper?

Metal? Well, that's... I know. I know for it to survive the plastic revolution, I don't know how they've done it. Yeah. And I always... The thing that pops into... The little fact that pops into my head whenever I see a lot of metal, because it is rare,

into the little fact that pops into my head whenever i see a lot of metal because it is rare is um i remember reading about um the siege of stalingrad and sort of the siege of the various major cities that the the germans besieged in the sort of start of operation barbarossa but they were talking about how that the the the Soviet defenders was such that they were rushing T-34 tanks out unpainted. Right, yeah. It's like they weren't even green. They were metal and they looked metal. Just get them out there. That's kind of metal in the musical sense.

Unpainted tanks. Strong stuff. Yeah, so that's what I think whenever I see metal. My instinct is to go, oh, what's happening? musical sense. That's pretty... Unpainted tanks. Yeah, so that's what I think whenever I see metal. My instinct is to go, oh, what's happening? Is there a problem? Yeah, so all the emergency vehicles here are not just like metal, but

chrome, glistening. Shiny, the ambulances, the fire trucks, shiny, glistening. The transport vehicles, the freight trucks, glistening the the transport vehicles the freight trucks glistening shiny it's like they're all like they've come from a parade or a museum or something but they're glistening chrome it just seems like i'm more i'm impressed i'm mainly just impressed by the maintenance that these truck drivers yeah the effort just yeah they must be polishing these

things every day it's day Just to look more American It's a nation of magpies, Phil The other thing here Is just how many flags there are everywhere And this is New York, this is a blue state I mean, this is The rest of the country considers this state Well

Traitors But there's still flags My hotel is a cool Kind of artsy boutique hotel in brooklyn and out the front the stars and the stripes hanging outside like not not ironic just completely normal yeah even in like a hipster hotel they're like well obviously we'll have an absolutely enormous flag really peculiar like in lond London, maybe the Ritz or the handful of really old-fashioned hotels might have the Union flag outside, but it'd be weird for them. Imagine you go to Hotel Ibis and there's just a Union flag hanging outside.

You'd be like, what's going on here? It'd be like, is the Queen sleeping here? If there is a big Union flag outside a British hotel, it tends to have other flags. Like a hostel. Right, right, right, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So there could be a Union flag.

It's like backpackers of the world are welcome or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Or if there's a theme. I mean, certainly if you walk past a pub and it had an enormous union flag hanging from a pole above it, you'd go, ho, ho, ho, ho. Not going in there.

Ho, ho, ho. They don't stock Asahi, I can tell that already. I don't think it's one of those pubs that started doing Thai food. I don't think so. It might do. It's probably a pub that... If I ask for a non-alcoholic beer in there, they will call me gay.

Yes, yeah, yeah. They'll call the manager down so he can do it. But yeah, here, just flags everywhere. flags flags really peculiar it's it's funny i mean i if i'm if i've mentioned this before it was a long long time ago so i don't feel too bad um when they made horrid henry the in a british classroom like in an american classroom they had this enormous british flag hanging in the corner from like a pole. Oh. But that's a thing in American schools, seemingly.

Oh, right. Well, that was an American production about a British school. Well, they wanted to make it look like a school for the viewers, which were, you know, the money's not in the UK. Oh, I see. So it was an almost orientalized understanding of what a british school what would the equivalent of orientalizing be for the uk what would that word be

well i guess we are to the east of america so maybe we could keep it but oh that's true that's true half occidentalizing i mean that we're anglala... Oh, yeah. Well, Anglic... But Anglicize just sounds like an English language. Whatever it is, Phil, it's what's going on in Bridgerton. Yeah, yeah. This kind of... Brit fetishizing. Well, yeah, this kind of fetishizing

and extremely poorly understood facsimile of a country. Yeah. I've had to watch some Bridgerton, Phil, andsimile of a country. Yeah. I've had to watch some Bridgerton, Phil, and I was not a fan. Yeah, I've seen a little bit. What really strikes me about Bridgerton is that it looks like they just filmed a play. Like, you can see the stitching kind of thing, you know?

It looks... The grading is, like, so bright. Yeah. It's really odd. It grading is so bright. Yeah. It's really odd. It's very sixth form. Yeah. I don't mind... I'm not like a 90-year-old reader of the Daily Mail.

I don't care that it's got not white people in. That's fine. I don't give a shit about that. What bothers me is that it's not supposed to be any when. Right, except it sort of is as well. They do make allusions to when they are. Sort of Elizabethan, right? Or something like that.

No, later. But they sort of make references, but then you sort of go, but then why is that happening? And it's all sort of, it's like a kind of cosplay school play thing. It's sort of a bunch of hot people dressed in clothes they think are nice sort of farting about really and it admittedly I'm talking about series 2 here but the script is full of like um you know like

they're kind of like hilariously bad expositional dialogue right you know people going ah brother there's a lot of that brother what are you doing in our family home is that that sort of thing right right right there you go okay but it like it's not just once like oh we just have to get this it's unpleasant but let's just do it's like constant why isn't they remind people about the same expositionary points just throughout the whole thing like it's it's it Like it's the way that you would write dialogue for people with acute short-term memory disorder. Well, that's what I had yesterday

because I was, you know, exhausted. But Pierre, do you want to have a guess at what my journey time was from Melbourne to New York? Ooh, okay. Let's see. I know the longest flight you can take is Singapore to New York. Okay.

I think the new... A couple of years ago, the new one is Darwin to London, isn't it? Oh, is it? Okay. I think so. But still long. That's a long old one. Surely at least like 12 hours. I think so But still long That's a long old one I'm going to Surely at least like 12 hours

So this is from Melbourne Melbourne to New York It was meant to be Melbourne to LA to New York And then a couple of days beforehand Found out my Melbourne flight had been cancelled So I had to flight from Sydney And from Melbourne to Sydney And then Sydney to LA

And then LA to New York So how long do you reckon that journey was? Oh, with all the jumps and changes, like total. Yeah, yeah. Ooh. Oh, fucking hell. 20 hours? 26 hours, man.

Get away from my clock. Really? 26 hours. 26? 26 hours. 26? Fuck me. And what's the time difference? Like at least 10 hours? I think it's like three months.

No, it's like you could not have picked a more opposite time zone to be in. I think it's 14 hours. Jesus Christ. So I have to flip exactly my day cycle. So it was a 26-hour journey 40 hours into the future. 14. I think 14 hours backwards or something. Oh, no, but plus to the 26, I'm saying.

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh'm sorry oh yeah yeah right oh no no no i think it takes away 14 hours so i had this weird thing where you go over the international date line or something yeah so i left i left melbourne um evening of the 17th and i arrived in new york first thing in the morning on the 18th which doesn't make sense no after 26 hours of of having to let's be honest smell a bit like ball bags oh for sure terrible and i was as guilty as anyone i was farting on that plane i'm not ashamed no i well yeah um i am ashamed but I'm also willing to admit now. Yeah. Yeah, big old journey, big old time.

But, you know, I'll give you this. The immigration guys in LAX, they're much nicer. The Californians are more relaxed, it seems, than in New York. The last time when I came through New York at JFK, last time i was terrified because you know the customs officers here have guns yeah that's amazing the people who check your passport you can be looking down and they ask so what are you doing here in the united states they can be smiling and they've got just a gun next to them they've got a gun on

it's it's so scary who do you think will have a gun on them. It's so scary. Who do you think will have a gun next? What do you think it escalates up to? Petrol pump guys, they should have a gun. Well, I mean, the joke is teachers, right? They always say teachers are going to soon have guns. Are there schools where there's a gun locked away under the teacher's desk? I don't know.

I think so already. There must be somewhere in the southern US there must be a school that's like like a production to borrow a metaphor Frankie Boyle once used like a cowboy musical yeah it's just mad

I do remember the immigration guys in New Yorkork the thing i found unnerving was them screaming the word aliens like they're in men in black yeah because that's what anyone not anyone without a u.s passport aliens over here like waving over the aliens and then the realization that you're an alien they're so dramatic yeah everyone thinks they're in a movie but still it's exciting to be in america um i'm my first show in in america's tomorrow in brooklyn the new york shows are sold out but keep an ear out to the New York fans because I might be coming back

later on this year I'm not saying anything just yet but I might be coming back but for the rest of America please check out my tour dates I'm moving around the states all the way to the west coast over the next few weeks so go on my website get on the guys website for goodness sake

please please well Phil I think Get on the guy's website for goodness sake. Please. Please! Well, Phil, I think we should do some by definition international correspondence. Oh yeah, sure. Correspondence So Elle gets in touch

Elle I love the name Elle Elle you must smell Wonderful She signs off that Elle rhymes with smell It does Look it was the obvious choice But sometimes the obvious ones are the best.

Occam's razor and everything. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. It's true. So the subject line of Al's email is, I used to scold my pee for being impolite. Fair enough. So Al says, dear log fathers. Log fathers. I like that. That's new. The log father. so Al says dear log fathers log fathers

I like that that's new the log father and there's a photo of Pierre in the godfather sort of black background and you put like

a bow tie on and you're sat on the toilet the log father yes yeah people have to come and ask me for favours while I'm trying

to have a shit and you're doing that Marlon Brando face that kind of your lips pointed downwards but then like a poo comes out and my face goes back to normal And you're doing that Marlon Brando face. Your lips pointed downwards.

But then like a poo comes out and my face goes back to normal and I was just straining. Okay, now I'm back to normal. That's maybe why he was talking like that. Dear Logfathers, I'm a recent Pistorian who upon hearing the comment that all poo-poo times are pee-pee times but not all pee-pee times are poo-poo times, ancient wisdom, was reminded of a childhood memory. When I was about three years old, I found it incredibly unfair that pee nearly always interrupted poo, but poo never interrupted pee. It is unfair. It's unfair to... Who is it unfair to? It's unfair... To Pooh?

It's unfair to Pooh, I guess. Yeah. That it gets interrupted, yeah. Yeah? Yeah? How inconsiderate of Pooh, especially when Pooh made an appearance far less often. Sometimes I can't

believe what this podcast is about. I'm always amazed, not as amazed as you are, I think, but our fans are like people with doctorates and stuff. Yeah, and they're attractive. I've met so many pod buds in melbourne

and they're fair they're good looking they seem like they've got their lives together they've got like partners they have they live full rich inner lives and then they send us this they send us this filth, this childish flotsam. It's extraordinary. Because they're always good looking. I'm stunned when someone comes and says they listen to the podcast. And they're like, they look like influencers. I'm flabbergasted every time, I have to say. What I love is that until it started happening more and more,

and you had to confront this fact that our listeners are happy, healthy people by and large, was that clearly you were picturing Igor. Or if a pod bud ever talked to you after a gig, it would be from underneath a filthy cloak. If a pod bud ever talked to you after a gig, it would be from underneath a filthy cloak. Yeah, I saw a picture that all the pod buds could be played by Jack Black. That's how I saw them. Or just like mysterious...

Like people in fantasy movies who have to cover themselves completely. Because it turns out they've been cursed or something. Hello! Yeah, like a Gollum kind of thing. Yeah. Or like a Voldemort Gollum. Like a cross between Voldemort Gollum, Dobby...

Who else? Quasimodo. Yeah, yeah. And the Elephant Man. That's how I always pictured every pod bud. No, whereas they are. So Stinky Elephant Man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We start getting correspondence about how someone shat themselves when they got in trouble with their cardinal or whatever adopted father for flirting with a a gypsy lady at a fair hang on a minute um so what is uh so l so um being upset i would scold my P2 give Pooh a chance to shine for once I mean this is unhinged even for one of our emails I think we're literally at woman shouts at own urine

this is like something you would read about in USA Today or is that the crazy one? what's the one where it's like, my husband's an alien and impregnated me with a ghost? This is more like something you'd read in an otherwise quite somber diary of a young Victorian

doctor. Right, okay, yeah, yeah. It's also something that Igor, as in Novak Djokovic's health advisor, Igor, would do to pee you know how he was shouting at water to make it turn green yes yeah because shouting at water makes it poisonous and complimenting it doesn't so if you shout at your pee it'll have all your poison in maybe

yeah or maybe if you shout enough at pee you will pass your drugs test maybe you can shout steroids out of the urine sample. Get out of there! Get out of there! You're shouting at your own piss. You're going to get me in trouble! You're going to fuck this whole thing up for me! Get out of there.

So this lady would shout at her own wee, give Pooh a chance to shine for once. My mum was anal, pardon the pun, about good manners, which clearly rubbed off on me at a young age, clearly. In fact, my mum thought farts were so disgusting and rude we weren't even allowed to say the word fart instead we had to call them fluffs no that's worse that's grosser yeah that's more gross a fluff yuck that made me go they gave me like tingles it's so horrible isn't it i've heard of that before i think fluff oh yeah really horrible because then

i'm imagining like an ass full of cotton wool or something yeah no thanks it's also like because it's a bit creepy farts can be bad but they're not creepy yeah that's creepy they're not creepy um in a brilliant cosmic twist my sister was later diagnosed with severe ulcerative colitis. What is that? Well, it's a condition of the bowel. Oh, dear. Yeah, a very serious one. She underwent three surgeries to remove her colon

and construct a new colon out of her small intestine. Oh. Oh, Lord. Yeah. Much to my mum's dismay, this experience forced us all to speak frankly, openly, and often about poos and farts. Yeah. Gosh, I hope it didn't happen because she was holding in her farts

all the time for a month. Well, hopefully not. My sister had an ostomy between the first and third surgeries. She can attest to the fact that ostomies do burst if they are not emptied in time and the worst place for this to happen is at a frat party oh so you can call

the colostomy bag an ostomy apparently bursting at a frat party though that is like something from an American movie that has a frat party in it spring break bag break more like. The bag break.

I also wanted to share some historical knowledge, having recently re-listened to some of your early episodes. You guys once spent nearly three minutes just chatting about even numbers. Cool guys. Cool guys. And you know what? I'm annoyed that we spent cool guys cool guys and you know what I'm annoyed that we spent

three minutes talking about even numbers I'm annoyed we spent an odd number of minutes talking about even numbers I agree actually that is irritating I actually wish I wasn't aware of that now that's going to bug me so there's she says thanks for making the stool cool from l rhymes with

but there is an addendum here okay so l and i think this is um useful i hope she doesn't mind because this is an old email because we're so bad at our emails but much more recently she says dear log fathers patreon founding father here oh so she stuck with us yeah that's great um join the patreon she said i was so excited because if you join and you subscribe for uh one or two months you get stickers bud pod stickers of course um and they're pretty good i've seen some in real life and i can attest to their quality one uh one guy at i think i saw in bristol he had stickers on his um water bottle phil and it survived a dishwasher experience oh wow i know that's a high quality sticker i think you should put the Bud Pod stickers on your toilet like people do on their MacBooks. Yeah. But on the toilet.

Yeah. I think that's right. Unassisted. Yeah. Along with any drawings you've done. So, Elle says, I was so excited to receive my Bud Pod stickers in the mail. However, I'm temporarily living with my parents and my mom, spelled American-wise. My mom received the package when it arrived

it was admittedly difficult to explain to my uptight American mother what Koji meant and why I would have a sticker claiming I was a pilot I knew things had gone too far when she asked me to explain what jacking it meant. Well, well done for even just telling her what the abbreviation stood for. Yeah, good for you instead of just making up something.

She said, I told her it meant skipping Sunday church. Wow, that's very good. And it does sound correct. It does sound kind of correct. Yeah, because at least it's quite clever because it's a lie, but it's still rude. She's not trying to say it stands for something nice. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. She hasn't tried to say that Koji stands for no of Jesus's intentions. Or something.

It's a brown lie. It's like a white lie, but it's a brown lie. Look, it's a brown lie. It was nothing but a brown lie. She says, I white lie, but it's a brown lie. Look, it's a brown lie. It was nothing but a brown lie. She says, I think she bought it. I love the podcast. Keep on skipping church. From Elle. Great. Nice one, Elle. Very nice. Very, very nice.

Yes, good stuff. It's amazing. This podcast has really opened my eyes as to the amount of people exposed it directly or indirectly to ostomy. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's obviously more common than you realize. Yeah. We just about have time for this email from Rob. Rob the Slob.

Get a job. Get a job, Rob the Slob. He says, G'day, guys. Ah. Phil, you know what that means. Now, obviously, I don't speak that language. Yeah, g'day.

It means sort of hello and goodbye in sort of the sense of aloha, in the same way of aloha. Yeah, so g'day. It can be formal, informal. Yeah, so Australian for hello, goodbye, and nice to meet you,

and that'll be 5.99, And nice to meet you. And that'll be $5.99. And everybody off the bus. And that's it, actually. Australians have, of course, over a thousand words for coffee. So Rob says, I've been meaning to email you guys for some time now, as I'm a founding father based down here in Australia Lovely

Lovely Sorry to have missed you Rob Maybe maybe not I caught your first episode The day after it was released by pure luck And I haven't missed one since Oh wow that's so cool I love that sort of thing

Now this is interesting here's the time difference My Thursday wouldn't be the same without some good poo-related chuckles from you guys. Serious praise redacted here. Wow. Thursday. Imagine, Pierre, a world in which Bud Pod comes out on Thursday.

Yeah. I mean, it's unthinkable. Yeah. So, number one, he says, I recently bought a house house and to my happy surprise all the toilets in it are Novelli branded really? yeah no E at the end though

were you aware of this brand of toilet pier? I mean that's pretty perfect loosely I think I was it doesn't exist in the UK thank god certainly I would be I would have been upset if they started doing all the toilet say in schools yeah that would have been that would have been rough yeah so it's missing the e at the end um he says i know it's missing the e at the end it hasn't

stopped me from renaming my usual morning routine from drowning a brown snake to taking my morning pierre nice that's good which is pretty good now to be fair i have been trying to think of what a daily phil wang could be but have come up short any help or suggestions would be welcome i mean it's such a shame that the wang computer is no longer being made because the daily wang could just be you checking up your emails something fun like that no you could check you could check your daily wang while sat on the univelli yes you could you could yeah that's true um so number two he says a coolest uncool confirmation a while back phil mentioned in an episode that archery was in the coolest uncool category

yeah as someone who has done the sport for 25 years and also works in the sport i can 100 confirm that archery unfortunately falls in this group. Proof of this happens almost daily when I'm asked, what do you do for a living? And I try to respond with, I work in a high-performance sport to try and avoid a series of questions about Robin Hood, tights,

shooting apples off heads, and is it really a sport if you stand still all day? That is funny. That's really funny. The shameful archer. Good pub. The shameful archer, yeah. Great pub.

I think that's in the Canterbury Tales, isn't it? The shameful archer. Yeah, the sign for the shameful archer pub would be a little boy with an apple on his head and an arrow through his head. would be a little boy with an apple on his head and an arrow through his head. Well, I personally feel that archery is the best sport ever. It is clear from these years of disappointed responses that archery needs some massive work to reach cool status.

Yes. It is a classic thing of like, you go, archery, that's lame. But if you were handed a bow and arrow, you'd have to wrestle that thing off me. I'd be like, let me try one more, let me try one be like let me do one more let me try one more let me try one more of course it's a yeah and if there was ever a situation where someone needed you to to do some archery and you just absolutely smashed it you'd be dining off that for the rest of your life oh absolutely yeah and

it's kind of thing that you know every job has to face that question, if society were to collapse tomorrow, would you be of any use? Now, I dare say an archer would be more use than a comedian. I think so. I think so. And also, if he shot someone with his bow to eliminate them, he could get his arrows back at least. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah you can

return them to your inventory if you walk over the body yeah and it goes click click and you get another one it'll shk it'll shk noise yes or you can go back to the same

lady who cut your hair and she can hammer them back into a shape If they break So number three And finally he says The main reason for my email Is to divulge my worst poo story Yes

A few years back I was living in NZL New Zealand I guess that NZL. New Zealand? I guess that is New Zealand. New Zealand. And had only bought a small two-bedroom unit that was connected to only one other. Okay, so it's like a semi-detached, we'd say. Oh.

I'd taken to running marathons a few years prior to try and get a bit fitter. What I should also mention is I've had issues with IBS for some time. Okay, okay, yes. welcome to the podcast, yes. I was out on a morning run when I had decided at the last minute to change my route. I'd gotten bored of my usual loop and thought my body felt okay to try a new one. In hindsight, this was a big mistake. He's put that in bold, even in the email. In hindsight, this was a big mistake.

He's put that in bold, even in the email. The physical action of running and IBS means that in mere minutes, things can go from all smiles to some serious clenching. I like that. That sounds like something a sports commentator would say. It's gone from all smiles to serious clenching here. Over my old running routes, I knew where every bush hedge and public toilet was So I could safely use one In case the old brown demon ever reared its terrible turtle head Yeah

Very nice I hadn't thought of that, yeah Unbeknownst to me at the time The new route I had chosen was along a very suburban road And had almost no, quote, cover Mmm Yeah Yeah, you'd have to ask someone to use their house.

Yeah. I was two kilometres from home when the first and only warning bell chimed. 2K. Ding dong. Mm-mm-mm. I found there's only usually two ways to play the situation. Slow down and walk to try and stop the bouncing or muscle strain,

slash run like hell and hope you make a safe space yeah yeah i i i i tough turn into that sort of a speed walking kind of thing just like real close together like a like your robot just you look like c-3po walking like a guy who's angry in the 50s. All upright, bending almost backwards. Why I oughta. Shaking my fist at my own ass. Yeah. Why I oughta. Or scolding your piss, you know.

On this occasion, I chose the run like hell option. I figured I was relatively fast enough. You can't outrun your own bum. That's what they say. It's always just behind you. And I could be home in minutes. Well, unlike a Bond film, where the hero makes it in the nick of time,

I was the villain. It's made me laugh. I was the villain. And barely made it even halfway before everything went code brown. I just couldn't hold it. I had to choose my spot in seconds and then just cross my fingers no one would see

I chose a tree by the footpath and let loose It was both great to rid my body of the demon and terrifying that someone might see me Yeah Bittersweet My heart leapt as I thought I was going to make it without a soul knowing. Sheer happiness Yet as wave two was leaving the building

my brand new neighbor who had recently purchased the unit next to mine drove past oh no what a fucking coincidence no that's just the kind of small community you get in New Zealand though that's it yeah

it was one of those moments where time slowed down we locked eyes and I could clearly see her eyes widen and her mouth drop oh that's my new neighbor he's the funny thing is that's terrible over the next few years the neighbor and i never once mentioned it the communication between us involved very little eye contact and few words other than hey and small comments about the weather oh wow yeah lovely day outside yeah no it's perfect weather to

oh um were you about to say perfect weather to shit on a tree no um I don't even know what you're talking about no I don't why would I no I've never seen that nearby No, I don't even know what you're talking about. No, I don't. Why would I? No, I've never seen that nearby.

Well, that is all we have time for, PodBirds, in this zone. Yes, thank you for listening. We will now hasten away to the private Patreon area. We will run the 2K with clenched buttocks into a new area. Any PodBuds in America, please check out my dates. I'm here for a few weeks. Come to the shows. It would be lovely to see you. And anyone who still hasn't watched my YouTube special,

I assume you all have. You better have. There will be a test. It's just on YouTube. And watch it, please. It's very good. All right. Bye till next time.

And see the Patreons in the bonus pod. Bye.