BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 162 - BonusPod Holiday Special 2!

Episode Date: May 4, 2022

Hello again! Still on holiday, so here is BonusPod 143: The boys talk about Malaysian Santa's big digger, heli santa, Mel Gibson, being trapped in a WhatsApp group, heaven and hell gamble, Mrs Claus and Pierre does a VERY silly song called "Twerking My Way To Nazareth" Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors, like high blood pressure developed during pregnancy, which can put us two times more at risk of heart disease or stroke. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca. What a crazy week it's been. I presume, I don't know, I'm recording these in advance. That's the point, remember? Welcome to another special bod pod bonus pod release glimpse 162 um this time uh you are being treated to a little taste behind the naughty curtain of the bonus pod 143 so uh just to clear up any confusion this is the bonus podcast that relates or was recorded directly after episode 143. All those moons ago.

What's happening while you're listening to this? I'm trying to think into the future. I'm on holiday, and Phil, I think, might be in the American Midwest. Might be in Minneapolis at this point. Not sure. Not sure. Send them a tweet. Or a leather-bound scroll.

Anyway, thank you for listening, guys. Here's your little glimpse. And enjoy BonusPod 143. It's bonus pod 143 Bonus pod You've gone to visit Santa At the shopping centre

He said, sorry children That's all the time Santa has for you this year As you follow the other children out An elf runs over And grabs you by the wrist And says, not you. Santa wants you to stay. You watch as the other children

leave the sort of styrofoamy glue. And you turn around and you see Santa sat there. He's gesturing, he's beckoning you towards his chair. He says, come, child. I've got an extra present for you. And suddenly Santa separates in two, like a pantomime horse. The behind is me, Phil, wearing Santa's trousers. And the top is Pierre, of course, wearing Santa's top and his own beard.

Welcome. Welcome. To Bonus Pod. Welcome. Welcome. To Bonus Pod. Christmas edition. That's exactly it. And when you were a child in faraway lands, Philip, did you go to any grottos?

I... I don't think we had them. A grotto is a hard thing to explain at the best of times. And no one was really fat enough to be Santa. So all these sort of kind of depressing, like, sad, skinny Santas. I think the first grotto I ever went to was in the UK. And I was a bit too old, I think.

And I could tell I was too old. I was embarrassed to was in the UK and I was a bit too old I think and I could tell I was too old I was embarrassed to be there and I think Santa asked me what I wanted and I said a Playstation 2 and in his mind he must have been like well obviously I'm not fucking giving you that tickets for this for £10

but I remember him looking quite good and he was really into the part he was into the role but I think I only ever went to one oh I do remember yes one of my earliest memories actually was in Malaysia somewhere

and Santa turned up on on a what are they called on a on a fucking steamroller the like no a bulldozer he turned up on a bulldozer

it was at night and I just saw like mum just said Santa's here and I turned around and it was at night and and i just saw and like mom just said santa's here and i turned around and it was this huge light and i was really small so it was enormous and this huge light i was blinded by these lights in my memory it was coming right at me directly at me the big bull and mom she's going it's santa and i I looked up and Santa was driving this enormous bulldozer. And so from a young age, part of the Santa mythology for me is that he drives a bulldozer, like a huge bulldozer.

I can't tell you how little money I would have bet on you saying bulldozer. I was like, okay, there's a small chance Phil's forgotten the word for sleigh. He might mean like, oh, he was in like a kind of carriage, you know, like something that's a bit sleigh adjacent. But you meant like fucking

heavy machinery. Construction machinery, yeah. Yeah. And it was at night. What a detail. it was at night what a detail it was at night yeah and I can't remember what the event was

why we were there and why he was in the boulders it wasn't like the JCB annual Christmas party or something I didn't really know

it wasn't like the caterpillar Christmas party it's your mum still like look this is It wasn't like the Caterpillar Christmas party. And your mum still would be like, Look!

This is good and aligns perfectly with our expectations, isn't it, son? Yeah, it's like if the Mad Max universe had a Santa Claus, it would be this guy. Hail petrol. Do you know what's weird is that, like, that's a great example of a situation where, in an effort to make the situation less fucking weird for a kid, by pretending it's normal, you've made it way weirder.

Because kids doubt themselves all the time because you're little and you get stuff wrong and you don't know how anything works so if your mum is like well there he is nothing to see here then you're going oh right what whereas if your mum was like oh Santa's here don't know why he's driving a digger though you'd immediately go

right I know what the hell is that about well I mean I guess someone must have someone would have needed to build those uh elf workshops and everything in the north pole right i was thinking about the idea of like a malaysian santa's grotto um and i like the idea of um because a grotto is like a cave right I've never known what a grotto is it is a cave is it

it seems to be like a cave or like a nook or something but then I like the idea of like Father Christmas in Malaysia being like fucking Colonel Kurtz from Apocalypse Now he's just in this cave deep in the jungle with like wet green walls just waiting there.

Well, my mother remembers when she was a child in India. She grew up for a couple of years on a tea estate in India. And they went to the club there, sort of colonial legacy

club for all the British tea managers, tea estate managers colonial legacy club for all the British tea managers, tea estate managers. And on Christmas Day, Santa Claus turned up in a helicopter, like a Narm vet. Well, not a vet, a Narm soldier,

just covered in bullets, strapped all around him. Sorry, kids, the sleigh's broken father christmas like rappelling down with armfuls of gifts that are just like given to you like ammo go go go you're a hard man to find Claus

you're a hard man to find claws he's got like a candy cane in his teeth as he suddenly emerges from from from a bush santa why why are you covered in an armed helicopter? You're covered in bullets. And then it's like you get the kind of slightly upsetting truth of Father Christmas where he's like, we've got to fly over a lot of non-Christian countries to get here, you know? You're like, ugh. I mean, it's true, but it doesn't sound very Christmassy. It doesn't sound very nice. There was a movie they made of a sort of action man style

Santa Claus. It was Mel Gibson as Santa Claus. Do you see the trailer for that? It's ringing a lot of anti-semitic bells. Yeah. Yes. I mean our Mel is no stranger to the

Christian legend, that's for sure. Oh, yeah. And if you give him the chance to combine it with a bit of healthy militarism, he will do it. Mm-hmm. He loves it. It looked like a cool movie, but then I never heard anything about it afterwards. So I guess it wasn't very good. Mel Gibson is so insane.

I still haven't watched that movie where he only talks to people through his hand puppet or something oh god what is that? hang on let me find this he turns into a puppet he turns into a puppet Mel Gibson hand puppet movie the beaver yeah he only talks to people through a beaver.

Oh. No, I don't know that. So it's a psychological drama film directed by Jodie Foster. Oh, gosh. Yeah. Al Gibson, The Beaver. Walter Black is a depressed CEO

of a toy company nearing bankruptcy. He is kicked out by his wife to the relief of their elder son, Porter. Fucking American names, I swear to God. Disgusting. Walter moves into a hotel. After several suicide attempts, he develops an alternate personality represented by a beaver hand puppet he found in the trash. Jesus Christ.

He wears the puppet constantly, communicating solely by speaking as the beaver, which helps him recover. Oh, it's got Jennifer Lawrence in it. It must have been quite early on, Jennifer Lawrence. 62% of Rotten Tomatoes. It's free on Prime. I mean, I might watch it. I'm enticed enough.

I want to look up the Mel Gibson Santa Claus. Ah, yeah, it's called Fat Man. Fat Man. Oof! 45% on Rotten Tomatoes. Here we go. To save his declining business, Chris Kringle, also known as Santa Claus,

is forced into a partnership with the US military. Making matters worse, Chris gets locked into Chris gets locked into a deadly battle of wits against a highly skilled assassin hired by a precocious 12 year old after receiving a lump of coal in his stocking. I like that. That's a fun idea. So a 12 year old who gets

a lump of coal in his stocking pays for an assassin to kill Santa Claus That's such a good idea How do they mess it up? How do you mess up something like that? It sounds like a biting satire I mean it sounds brilliant

But it's got very It's got very low ratings What Hollywood star do you think it would be the most frightening to just have to have a quiet dinner with, just the two of you? I mean, Gibson's up there, I have to say. Yeah, but like,

you're at, like, a holiday home and they've cooked for you. Hmm. So there's a bit of tension around oh what a lovely meal thank you you know you have to be on the back foot very grateful oh Shia LaBeouf without a doubt yeah that could be something weird about that

where you think at what point will this become a terrifying art piece yeah yeah you can't be 100% what you're eating isn't human flesh Tom Cruise Yeah

But he never makes a bad movie though Tom And I feel like he wouldn't make a bad meal either To be fair he does seem like he sees Every aspect of life as a kind of hit performance So maybe you'd have the best dinner of your life Exactly Christmas Bud Pod Carols Now for sale exclusively

Through the Bud Pod website for the low, low price of only £999.99. Classics such as, Have yourself a merry little Christmas, make your pubes go grey, and rockin' around the Christmas rock for a rock-based holiday. Looking at rocks, touching some rocks, and thinking about rocks all day. And Christmas time, pickles stored in brine. Things like that. The Burnt Pod Christmas Carol special music album.

The Burnt Pod Christmas Carol special music album. And enjoy the new modern smash hit, Twerkin' My Way to Nazareth. By Little Wildebeest. Ah. Yeah. Mmm. Mmm. Y'all heard about the three wise men coming from the east? Don't forget about little wildebeest.

I lost my invite. Can I come in anyway? After party in the manger. You bring a gold fricking set simmer. I bring a custom Gucci fur. That little kid better play his drums. invite. Can I come in anyway? After party in the manger. You bringin' gold, frickin' sense and myrrh. I'm bringin' custom Gucci fur. That little kid better play his drum cause I need rhythm to shake my bum.

I ain't no bitch to be fuckin' with cause I'm twerkin' my way to Nazareth. It turns out they were Bethlehem but you got this bitch so who needs them? Happy birthday, Jesus. No heralds allowed. Yes, that's true, isn't it? Hmm.

Hmm. Phil, we need to discuss a common predicament we have, and we'd like to try and make these extra... We'd like to try and make these bonus episodes a little... Not a load spicier, but a little dash of habanero here and there. We do, yes, yeah.

And this isn't that spicy, but let's face it, Phil, you and I are trapped in a WhatsApp group within which we've never sent a single message. Yes, I think it's a predicament of the 21st century. I'm sure we're not alone here. Sometimes you get roped into a WhatsApp group, it's true. Yeah, you and I are in a WhatsApp group

that started for a birthday drinks that has become a super spreader event that we did not attend. We did not attend. And I mean mean it's been sadistically satisfying to watch my decision not to attend said birthday party vindicated by 18 messages a day of people's positive lateral flow tests so listeners this started out as a where to meet up for the birthday drinks whatsapp group um i like phil i messaged the birthday boy and i gave my apologies um because i had a flight

coming up back home for christmas and i felt very bad about it but as phil says you do feel better when like now you know a week later genuinely it's just a support group for everyone who went and apart from almost everyone apart from one or two people Has like severe Omicron COVID And so Phil and I are just getting these constant updates About people going like has anyone found a way To stop the constant aches

And stuff Terrible We were saying before weren't we And it's funny for a group that started off As 7pm At the King's Plough or whatever. It's the same group. If you scroll up far enough, that's what it is. And now it's anyone else getting an ache inside their belly button.

Like, not the stomach ache, but in the middle of their belly button, it really hurts. I like the King's Plow as the pub name. That's a really good name. Thanks. Yes, yeah, if you scroll back out, everyone's like, oh, pints are on me. And then now it's, yeah, just people saying,

is bleeding from the eyes normal? Terrible. I mean terrible it perfectly charts the narrative arc of a zombie movie, of a horror movie of everything starting out celebratory and ideal and happy and idyllic and you can chart

the fall of everyone involved the early messages are like The fall. Yeah. Of everyone involved. The early messages are like, in a horror movie, where the family are like, can you believe this beautiful old house was so cheap? It's Final Destination, basically,

this group, right? They all thought, they all tried to cheat death. And one by one, death is catching up with them well touch wood not death but uh yeah but the disease yeah it's a very boring episode of final destination where instead of death it's just it's covet it's not even different illnesses yeah but the where does touch wood come from? I'm just thinking, where does touch wood come from? I think it just avoids Horrible spirits Why wood? Is it just an old pagan thing?

Charmed wood, yeah, let's find out Certain woods are more magical than others, Phil Where does touch wood come from? Where does? You have to be careful, of course, looking up touching wood On the internet Folk practice. It derived from the pagan belief, thank you,

that malevolent spirits inhabited wood and that if you express the hope for the future, you should touch or knock on wood to prevent the spirits from hearing and presumably preventing your hopes from coming. True. That's from The Guardian. Sounds like one of those. preventing your hopes from coming true that's from the that's from the guardian but sounds like it sounds like oh it's it's notes and queries which just looks like a reddit so that's the guardians hosted oh notes and queries is the worst it's essentially just people who are like

here's something that i made up that could be the answer i've never heard of notes and queries but yeah yeah it it's it is is essentially Reddit where people just go, if they're answering honestly, they would just say, I don't know, but no one can do that. So they just have to go, I can kind of make up something, if you like. Well, a lot of these results are saying something to the effect of pagans believe that the trees had spirits and stuff in them. Yeah. And I'm

sure that's a possible explanation. Yeah, I'm sure it's possible. I'm sure it's absolutely possible. But the question, Philip, the question is how do we and do we want to leave the WhatsApp group?

I'm finding it quite interesting although there are a lot of messages about people's covid there are a lot um yeah it's quite nice to be able to watch people um and and sort of get uh it feels like a personal sample i'm getting of Omicron and how Omicron is spreading. It's like, you know what I mean? It's like a working example to have in my pocket. Yes. To follow. I feel like Chris Whitty

and I'm following the evolution of this pandemic through a carefully selected sample of of people yes yes it is interesting and and you know we we know the people involved and it's good to be up to date with them not being desperately ill i suppose although i don't think they know we're in there no yeah it's that weird thing where where you're in a very large whatsapp group and and late late on in your involvement in it you go I wonder who's actually in this? And you click on the top for the list of names and you go, oh God, they're in it, they're in it,

they're in it. Oh, have I said something about them? And you just have to go back through everything you said. Yeah. It's a terrifying place, the large WhatsApp group. Well, it's like we've accidentally stayed for too long at the wrong orgy and we're just sat in a chair in the corner the thing is you can't leave without

announcing yourself this is my problem with whatsapp right it's a fucking tattletale it's a tattletale you try and delete something you regret posting it goes oh uh just so everyone knows phil deleted something okay i'm not to tell you what it was. You just need to know that Phil wrote something down and regretted it enough, he deleted it. And then again, if you're going to leave a group, it's like, oh, well, Phil thinks you're a bunch of pricks. It's like there's no way to do these things on the sly with WhatsApp.

It's also because the message someone left always comes up like it has to come up after something and it always looks like you left because of the most recent thing. As if in this WhatsApp group someone will be like good news everyone, my eyes have finally stopped bleeding and you're like, well I'm leaving. I'm fucking sick of it. Boo,

boring, bye. Keep them bleeding that's what I say, bye. It's a yeah, it's... It's a bit of a, I guess you could call it, Pierre, a sort of a first world problem. It's not a real problem in the grand scheme of things, but it sure feels like one. I think I might have mentioned this on the podcast before but my my most right-wing christmas belief is uh annoyance and annoyance at how impossible

this is just this is just apropos of me trying to make the bonus episode spicy right i'm adding stuff into the pot i'm stirring it um if you go to a supermarket none of the christmas cards are christian christmas cards right yeah yeah none of them are like the three men following the star yeah none of them mention religion the visuals are never anything to do with the nativity the star or or or anything religious at all It's all just like a cartoon of Father Christmas with like a ball hanging out and the caption's like, oops, merry whoops-ness.

Yeah, I fucking, I hate like cheeky boomer humor Christmas cards. But what annoys me is I want to say to the card companies or the people who stock the cards, I want to be like, hey man, if I'm sending someone a Christmas card at all, they're pretty fucking serious about Christmas.

Yeah, let's bring God back into this, shall we? Let's bring back a little child by the name of Jesus El Cristo. All right? Yeah. We just want to say, look, the millennial and younger markets don't send bits of paper to each other in the fucking post it's mental if we're doing it

it's to someone who is so Christian or into Christmas that we're bothering to go through all that effort so they're probably pretty keen on on the big J. Yeah? Yeah. Or they're

so old they have a lot riding on the existence of this guy. All right? Yeah. We're sending them a reassuring card and on the front cover of the card it better be, hope for a brighter tomorrow. Mm-hmm. And there's the everlasting life after this one exactly even if that life it could be being on fire i you know the whole everlasting life thing like you could go to heaven or you could go to hell

You know, the whole everlasting life thing, like you could go to heaven or you could go to hell. I think it'd be fine for them both to exist, but we get to decide whether or not we flip that coin. You know what I mean? Because like, if heaven and hell exist and there's a chance I could go to either, I'm not a betting man.

I just want, I will opt for eternal sleep. I will opt for just unconscious darkness because i don't yeah heaven sounds nice but it's not the worth the risk of everlasting suffering in the pits of hell with the devil i don't i don't that and i don't back myself enough that i'm comfortable like i'm confident i'm going to go to heaven i just i don't i don't want to enter the casino but there should be an option for i don't want to play so you're you're like the you're like the guy uh saying to god the only way to win this game is not to play right yeah and you say that and then as you say that god's face just changes and you go oh no and he stands up out of his golden throne and he's just like this. Well done, Mr. Wang.

I think you'll find that that was the right answer all along. It's only people who say that that go to the real heaven. Oh, nice. Oh, that'd be sweet. Yeah, because there's nothing holier than game theory. Um, can you think of anything spicy Christmas based to, to add some, uh,

add some chili to this, uh, gravy Turkey. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

Hmm. Oh yeah. Hmm. Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm. Oh. Yeah? Hmm. Um. Hmm. I, what my spicy Christmas takes. I, uh, uh, I. What my spicy Christmas takes. I think that Mrs. Claus doesn't pull her weight.

I think she wasn't driving a fucking a digger I think she knew what she was doing when she married Saint Nick there's a bit of a Melania vibe about her if you know

what I mean I'm sure she was the fucking shit in her 20s but now she's kind of she's milanian she wasn't for she didn't foresee santa would still be working at this age she kind of wanted to kind of retire yeah just enjoy enjoy the house in the north and she. And she's made the most of having that elf workshop next door. Exactly. So that's my

most contentious shock jock opinion about Christmas is that Mrs. Claus is a fucking gold digger. What was her job before? That's what I want to know. She gave up a pretty high-flying job in the city actually she was a corporate lawyer mrs mrs claus uh used to work for glaxo smith kline i like the idea that yeah you'd like uh you visit the North Pole and you meet Father Christmas and he's like, let me show you

my workshops! And you have a nice time and you're like, oh, the elves and the reindeer. And then you end up just in the kitchen with Mrs. Claus and you're just like, how did you meet? What the fuck? Did he kidnap you? Yeah, or did you, like, sort of engineer your meeting like Kate Middleton?

Like, did you find out where Santa went to university and applied there too? Like, how long has this been the game plan? Did you? And she just gives you this sort of naughty smile and goes but why whatever do you mean come and she picks up a tray of mince pies into the next room did she did she just stay up late with a mince pie on her bum it was a sort of sexy treat for Father Christmas. Was it, maybe that was, you know, her, like, maybe he picked, do you think Father Christmas uses the naughty list or the nice list to pick his girlfriends?

Oh, interesting. He's got everyone's data. He's already a doxxed stalker freak Right Yeah I don't remember signing off On The Unnecessary cookies That's the cookies every year Of course

That's why Santa's been asking for milk and cookies We've been giving him the wrong cookies He wanted to track our internet behaviour Right We've solved it This makes a lot of sense This makes a lot of sense the wrong cookies. He wanted to track our internet behaviour. Right. We've solved it. This makes a lot of sense. This makes a lot of sense. Also, why...

They live forever, the clauses, but why did they stop ageing at old? Yeah, they've really fucked that, haven't they? Did they get to decide when they stopped physically ageing? Yeah. Did they Yeah For the brand we should be old Yeah

They're so dedicated We need to seem like grandparents Yeah Yeah If we were like an incredibly sexy Young couple people would get the wrong idea. What a couple of mercenary bastards the Clauses are. And there's no competition.

They have a monopoly. It's not honest. They really do. And they sort of, they convene products from lots of different producers. They were Amazon before Amazon. They'll sell whatever. Oh, yeah. They'll distribute anything, no matter where it's made.

They don't give a shit. They'll distribute, Cental will distribute a wooden horse and an Xbox. That's something I saw as a kid. I've been making these in the same workshop. Yes. Yeah. As a kid you go, well not this because it wasn't out, but you go like, right, so you've given me this sort of Lego which is kind of okay

or like a block of a wooden toy but also like a fucking Oculus Rift. I was like, toy but also like a fucking oculus rift what kind of fucking alien technology are you working with here which elf has the solder ion that's what I want to know who gets the sort of charming mallet and who gets the solder

ion and the computer chips who's getting some mercury poisoning? To say nothing of the legions full of elf coders. All right, this is Sleepy the Elf. He's our JavaScript expert. He's our JavaScript expert And the fact that the stuff you get is available The rest of the year too Is that the same or is this like Father Christmas

Own brand rip off version Yeah It just doesn't stand up Phil I'll say it It just doesn't hold together for God's sake Something about this whole Santa Claus It just doesn't stand up, Phil. I'll say it. It just doesn't hold together, for God's sake. Something about this whole Santa Claus theory doesn't add up. Call me a conspiracy theorist,

but I think there's more to this Santa thing than he's letting on. Yeah, like you leave a postcard with Father Christmas on, right? You leave it under the windshield wiper of a journalist's car. And on the back, you just write, look into the fat man. There's something he's not telling us. Doesn't add up.

Yeah. And then just the last thing you write is, follow the cookies. If you want to know the truth, follow the cookies. Yeah, all the journalists' fevered notes. Mrs. Claus hyphen where met? Three question marks. Well, that's the end of the bonus pod

That's the Billy bonus We've jingled all the way to the end We've jingled all the way to the end Of the bonus pod The secret Santa's grotto Where Santa's willing to bust out the mince pies That have been lightly dusted with coke Instead of sugar, etc.

Yes, fun Santa. Yeah, Santa can party. Why not? That's right. I mean, he has to stay up all night. He has to stay up all night. You think he doesn't have a good Coke dealer? He calls it snow, of course.

It's a little cheeky joke he's got. Suffice to say, the elves have got quite the greenhouse set up. That's for Boxing Day. The weed. Yes. But yes, Merry Christmas VIPs. Patreons, have a very patron Christmas

And thank you again For your support for being pod buds For being founding Farters and of course For being Tat Whisperers Hope you get some lovely tat this Christmas Yes if you get some lovely tat do feel free To share it with us and we will address it of course

Of course we will always address it Of course we'll address it of course of course we will always address it of course we'll address it but until then jingle jingle jingle Merry Christmas Merry Christmas Bye Bye