BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 163 - BonusPod Holiday Special 3!

Episode Date: May 11, 2022

Final holiday Patreon peek! This time, BonusPod 146 "With A Hole Cut In It": The lads talk about being flashed as men by women, Schroedinger's boobs, Shani's brother having "a case of the vapours" and William's tat o'clock Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod's special bonus pod glimpse thing. 162, I believe this would be. 162. No, 163. 163. My apologies. It's 163 in the traditional Budpod calendar. But of course, I am relaxing deep in the Arctic tundra by killing rare animals to survive. And Phil is currently in Podunk, Idaho, performing with the improv troupe The Three Corn Pones.

So we're still away, but we are giving you a glimpse behind the Patreon curtain We are giving you a glimpse behind the Patreon curtain by letting you listen in. Like, I remember reading about a composer who sort of Handel or one of those Mozart. And that in those days, obviously, the only way you could hear the music was by being in the concert hall. But he was so famous and amazing and everyone loved him that, like, even ordinary people outside the concert hall in the street would press their ears against the brickwork just get an ear glimpse and that's you guys with Patreon bonus content and hopefully you will get a little ear glimpse

and enjoy the thrill of listening to bonus part 146 so this is a bonus episode that relates or was recorded directly after ordinary Bud Pod episode 146. Enjoy. It's bonus pod 146. Yeah, you're walking through the park.

You sit down on a bench. You notice a man in a sort of 60s style trench coat sits down next to you. He opens up a newspaper. It's got two eye holes. And he turns around so he's looking at you through his eye holes in his newspaper. And he says

the swallows are quiet in winter. And you say, sorry I didn't understand what you said. And he goes, ah, Agent Balishnikov, it is you. He takes you by the hand and walks you into a sort of private garden part of the park.

And inside are two shady figures, also in 60-cell trench coats, looking through also newspapers with eye holes. Two shady figures Also in 60's style trench coats Looking through Also newspapers with eye holes They put down the newspapers And it's me And it's Phil and Pierre Welcome to

Bonus Pod Welcome to Bonus Pod In the secret garden we're both in our big trench coats And there's nothing underneath Yeah We've got newspapers down there as well and just the one hole in those with our peepees bugging through they've got their own it's not a newspaper it's a pamphlet that's how spies have sex they do it through a hole in the newspaper.

You have a newspaper for your eyes on your head and you've got a sort of informational leaflet or a magazine for your genitals. That would be quite a funny visual sight gag. Make it look as if your own genitals are on the cover of Time magazine. Yes, that would be good. Pop it through. Yeah.

Have you ever seen a flasher, Phil? Have you ever been flashed by anyone? Ooh, that's a very good question. No, I don't think I have. I have yet to be so lucky. Yeah, well, I mean, I... I guess guys don't get flashed, really. Guys don't really get flashed.

I've been on the metro underground train system in France once. Yeah. And there was a man lying passed out across four seats just with his dick out of zipper. Oh, I saw a guy in the New York subway walking around with his dick flopping out of his shorts. Like it's the most normal thing in the world. Top shorts, bottom shorts?

What do you mean? Well, are his shorts so high his dick's flopping out or is he poking over the belt? It's like poking through a hole In the front of the shorts Like a specially designed Having your dick out on the subway Hole in these shorts Right

Or just a zipper Special New York penis shorts Hey I'm walking With my dick out here So yeah walking with my dick out here it's like saying a New York minute a New York dick hole boys in shorts only city in the world where you can get a pair of shorts with a hole for your dick in

but no I don't think I have been flashed except for that guy and I guess you saw this guy in France. Well, I saw the guy on the underground train in Paris with his hanging dong, fully asleep, in pretty impressive casual... No one paid him any mind. I remember I was on... You know when more than one team...

You know when, like, as a a sports team you go to another school, you'll have to get in like a massive bus? Yes. And it's like, especially if there's more than one team, you're all going to another school to have some sort of fucking jamboree where you play sports. Yes, a child sport jamboree. A child sport jamboree.

And I was, I must have been 15 or 16 I'm not sure And we were going to this school In a big old bus And as we Left the school We drove past, like We were driving down the school's

Like the driveway bit Where the buses arrive I suppose And we went past the school's Netball courts right yeah your schools and or the school yeah yeah yeah the visit we were leaving we were oh yeah yeah and um one of the girls on the netball court just flashed her knockers at the whole bus oh wow yeah but i was a second too late phil oh p.m sorry phil i caught the flash on the downstroke the oh right she flashed with the top coming up yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it would

probably have taken classic flash it's a classic blue flash it would have taken too long to count as a flash if you'd done it carefully poppingping up through the collar somehow Oh well good for her It's rare you get a boob flash I mean she made People's lives that day Isn't it funny Like a lady flashes her boobs And everyone's like what a saint

If a guy does it he's off to jail I still think about the fact Every now and then If someone mentions flashing Or like in a movie where there's a girl at a concert And she's going And lifts up her top I always think

I never did see that flash when I was a teenager No It lives on in my memory Phil Even in its absence Isn't that mad I wonder if he's aware of the impact a boob flash that you didn't even see has had on your life it's it's it's like um the the teenage boy version of like the butterfly effect yeah you'd be a diff if she had flashed you would

we be recording this right now would you you be doing comedy? Would you even be this tall? I only grew taller in an effort to see further, to see more potential flashes of breasts, Philip. It's also like, you know how Stephen King said, the unseen horror is worse than the seen horror? Is it true of boobs as well? The unseen boobs leaves more of an impression than the seen horror is it true of boobs as well the unseen boobs leaves more of an impression than the seen boobs yeah yeah because you're inventing in your head the perfect boobs yeah and depending on what stage of my life i'm at i could be imagining

completely different things right yeah if you're a baby you'd been like full of delicious nutritious milk but like uh the the hypothetical boobs philip have infinite potential yes they're all things to all men yes yeah sort of schrodinger's boobs like i i simultaneously any type of boob is under there that's right yeah yeah and uh yeah that's as you say i mean does she know that uh even me aside the the the boys on the bus who did see it does she know that they you know returned home and spent the next few years just obsessively sketching them over and over again in charcoal and mud on their cave walls when you said returned home there was like from the battle of troy is on like these men shall return home and they shall tell stories of the boob flash

beware of greeks bearing boobs there's a trojan boob, of course, a big wooden breast that was wheeled into the city as a gift. And until Men of Ithaca started pouring out of its nipple. Yeah, and they poured out and caught

the Trojans wanking to the big wooden boob. Literally caught them with their trousers down. Or their togas up when they were all their togas up when they were at their most or a toga with a little hole cut in as we've established that's that's what the guy on the new york subway thought he was doing like a classical scholar i thought it was a reference everyone would get ah and they did eventually you know eventually eventually um yes so you've never you've never even been adjacent to a lady flash

no i think i've had like no i haven't no that was a movie. I think I mentioned on the podcast once, I once got a review for a performance of my show at the Edinburgh Fringe where the reviewer said that a lady opposite them basically had her vagina out. And he, well, I don't know if it was he or she who wrote the review, but whoever wrote the review was saying that they couldn't tell if I knew that this person on the front row just had their vagina out.

And I didn't. I didn't even know at the time. Another missed flash, Philip. Here's a philosophical question. Can one have their vagina out? Or can one only reveal a vagina? Because it's not like a boob or a penis where it can be out. It can sort of protrude from the clothing.

Philip, questions like these have haunted learned men for generations. I think it can be out because it is sort of there, isn't it? It isn't a void. Yes, yes, yes. It ranges in there-ness from from from lady to lady and that's that's true but i don't know if it ever i don't know i i don't yeah having it out you know what yes i think you can have it out i'm glad we had this symposium Look We had it out and you can have it out

We had it out and we've decided you can have it out Because we had it out We've had it out that you can have it out Send word to the outlying towns A woman can have it all And she can have it out That's the conclusion of this bonus pod Can a woman really have it out?

A guy dressed as a town crier Like when there's a new royal baby Going from town to town Hear ye, hear ye Women, by royal decree Women of this kingdom can have it out. All the bells of the town. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

People in sober suits ringing people's doorbells. Have you heard the good news? Excuse me, sir, may I speak to you, sir? Martin Luther just hammering onto a church door a little piece of paper. A little diagram of a vagina poking slightly out from some clothes. With a big, like...

People gathering around it. With a really... It's got a really, like, elaborate arrow pointing around it. With like a really... It's got a really like elaborate arrow pointing at it. Or with like lots of filigree and... Illuminated, yeah. Yeah. With a lot of Baroque patterns in it. Oh my lord.

Well, Phil, as teased, as teased in the free pod, we've got to finally get around to Shani's correspondence. Shani, don't shame me for keeping your correspondence so long. Nice. Yes. So Shani, Shani, Shani, Shani says, Dear PP, nice. Nice.

Long-time listener, first-time divulger of unfortunate anecdotes. Oh, good, good. It's never too late. It is never too late to come to pod. Oh, that's good. Oh, thank you. The word of pod.

The word of pod. It's never too late to come to pod. Yeah. Pod loves you. Pod loves you. Pod loves you. And Pod forgives you. Pod will have his vengeance. Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pod will come to judge the quick and the dead. will come to judge the quick and the dead. Shani says, you've completely changed the meaning of It's Been a Shitty Two Years. Oh, nice. And I thank you for allowing me to flush myself into escapism every Wednesday. Our pleasure. That's nice.

I must admit to feeling somewhat left out hearing so many stories of gastrointestinal woe and having so little to contribute to the conversation. And to be fair, Phil, you and I have not contributed almost anything with our vice-like grip on our own bowels. Well, we are but two men, Pierre, and we only have so much gastrointestinal experience

to divulge up against the thousands nay hundreds of pod buds out there yeah yeah flush one away and two will take its place flush one away and two will float up in its place it's like a hydra

yeah uh shanie continues up in this place. It's like a hydra. Yeah. Shani continues, and having so little to contribute to the conversation, until one day I remembered. I've got one. Oh, great. It floated up to the surface of your mind. Yes.

Perhaps this story eluded me for so long because it pertains to pee rather than poo. The often forgotten sidekick to poo. Yeah. The straight man. Yes. To the foil of poo. With poo receiving the lion's share of attention for obvious and often unspeakable reasons.

Heaven knows I haven't slept soundly since the story of the woman who shat her own vagina. None of us have. None of us have slept a wink. None of us have been the same since that episode. Since that day. And I doubt I ever will. If nothing else, perhaps my story can offer something in the way of variety.

Oh, lovely. Spice of life. I see. So, in my opinion, some of the best bathroom tragedies occur in youth. Yep. Before we possess things like shame or common sense, there really are some opportunities for gold. Or in this case, yellow.

Very nice. When I was seven, my brother was four. At some point in my brother's fourth year of life, my mother noticed that all of his toys were covered in a weird, sticky film. Mmm. Mm-mm-mm. Oh, no. No, thanks. But he's four.

You know? Yeah. It could be anything. It could be any fluid. Yeah? Well, my mother washed the toys, but the film always inexplicably returned. If you're thinking, oh, he pissed on his toys, my friend, we should have been so lucky. Yes, because pee doesn't really get sticky, does it?

Unless you've been really hammering it on the Ribena. I never spent much time in my brother's room because I was older, a girl, and uninterested in that little shit. But as you'll soon learn, this was certainly to my benefit. While infiltrating his lair one day to retrieve a toy of mine, I saw him playing with toys of his own, undoubtedly something of the Ninja Turtle variety. A good variety.

Very popular variety. He said to me, I have to pee. I told him to go to the bathroom, like a sane fucking person. But my brother took it upon himself to reveal to me his clever hack for not interrupting playtime in order to relieve himself. Oh, no.

One key thing to know. My brother had a bit of asthma trouble as a kid. Hey, didn't we all? Mm-hmm. He, too, had the blue Ventolin you're both familiar with. So in his bedroom lived a humidifier. Oh. A device that's filled with

water and emits a cloud-like steam into the air. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They have those at Muji. Yeah. I had one of those, a big medical humidifier when I was very young. This psychopath was pissing into his humidifier. Oh, no! I did

not see it going in here. I did not see it going this here. I did not see it going this way. This is a great reveal. Oh, awful, awful. No! M. Night Shyamalan. No! I'm looking at this story like Woody Harrelson

when he sees the video in True Detective. No! No! No! true detective. No! No! No! This psychopath was pissing into his humidifier.

All day long, whenever he had to pee, he'd piss into the front nozzle of the humidifier, which was perfectly shaped for this particular revolting activity. What's it doing for his asthma? That's what I want to know. Making it better? Worse? Your son's asthma has disappeared Madam

Oh that's great news Well I'm afraid it's been replaced with Piss lung Which I think is a piece of furniture you can get from Ikea. The piece long. The piece long. The piece long. When my mother refilled the humidifier each night,

she filled it through a hatch that flowed into the back of the device, and thus she never got a chance to see the water or anything else that was in the reservoir. Oh, my lord. So, each night at bedtime, mum turned on the device, Oh my lord. Oh my gosh. Crop dusted is a lovely word to use. Not like a perfect film. Yeah. Varnished. The walls were shellacked in urine.

Varnished. I had what you might call an epiphany. How does one react... Lovely. Very nice. How does one react to being the only person in the home to solve such a riddle? Well, after one regains the ability to draw breath following a fit of laughter intense enough to make me take questionable urinary actions, I manage to run into the kitchen and scream the words out in between giggling fits.

He pees in the humidifier. Before dropping dead. With a sheen of piss on you, yeah. So I guess it would have been He He pays He pays in the human affair Like bent double No

That's so funny For a brief moment time and my family's gag reflex stood still The disinfecting period that followed Is an image I'll never get out of my mind The scrubbing of the walls The bleaching of the linen And those poor ninja turtles Floating in a boiling bathtub

Full of soap and vinegar and disgust Donatello couldn't look my brother in the eye Ever again Koji Shani Well Koji Shani. Well, Koji Shani, that is gold or yellow, as you said. That is a golden shower of a story. Thank you so much.

That's great. I don't think we've ever... That's a new delivery system for a scatological story for us. We've never had an aerosol before, I don't think. Yeah, like a new sort of biological weapon.

Ha ha ha! Someone finally found a way to make a sort of airborne weapon out of piss. Airborne piss. The new frontier. Yeah. Technology's changing, gentlemen. Piss is now airborne.

Love piss, but tired of the same old puddles forming in the same old parts of the floor? Well, try Piss Vapor. With the Piss Vapor 3000, you can spread your urine equally across all surfaces in any room. All you need to do is to get a little boy to wee into the hole at the front, and you're all set. The Piss Vapor 3000 can get urine into... Cracks Crevices Fabric

Hair Sponge The pores in your skin fabric hair sponge the pores in your skin and so much more the piss vapor 3000 because when you get piss everywhere you should get piss everywhere man and I completely sympathize with the brother

because I think I've said it to you when I was a kid I hated needing the other toilet because I loved playing so much. I loved it so much. I just wanted to keep playing with my toys. And if I ever felt like I needed poo, I just hold it in and hold it in and hold it in until my butt exploded with it, basically.

So you always had a sort of like... Every time you went to the loo, it was time to go. Yeah, there was no other option. And I'd already sold my pants. I even grew to enjoy the sensation of holding it in. Yeah. Is that common? I think so.

John Kearns and his debut award-winning show had something in about that. That's right, he did, yeah. Defcon bum, that's what you waited until. God, just spraying piss all over an entire room. I mean, God. It's such an even, the most even pissing I've ever heard of. Everything is evenly pissed on. Yes.

Puddles us off for the 20th century. The future is about everything having a bit of piss. I'm glad we've been holding on to that story. It's a good one. It's a unique one. Yeah, like one of your dumps. We held it in until we couldn't hold it anymore any longer we couldn't hold it well yeah yeah um and uh we've been sent some good tat by uh william william very silly him talking to pierre and philliam very yeah yes uh if you've if you've sent us some other messages and and you are in the Very silly-um. Talking to Pierre and Philem. Yeah, yes.

If you've sent us some other messages and you are in the top two tiers, if you're a founding father or a tat whisperer, there's a chance we're saving it for the big monthly. The old big monthly. As one might call one's menstruation. So, William's tat, Phil It's a humdinger

Okay, great There's a lot for you to guess So I'm just going to tell you what it is It's a big sort of like jokey clock Oh, gross Okay, yeah You know how clocks are for telling the time But you always thought, what if we could squeeze some fun into there

What if we could get some gags in between these numbers Yep Yep and there are no numbers on it Oh gross I hate it already So I'm going to get you to guess Okay I'll tell you what it's called

It's called the TikTok Alco Clock Oh yeah Alco Clock. Oh, yeah, like Alco Clock. Oh, no. Okay. Yeah, and the O has an apostrophe like O'clock. Alco O'clock. Alco Clock, okay. Yeah, and then underneath and in the center of the clock,

it is screaming in cursive, Fizz time! Like something Jack Nicholson would scream after chopping the door in with an axe Fizz time Fizz time no no as he offers

a fizzing little like a glass through the hole he smashed so starting with one o'clock On this analogue clock Phil Yeah Fizz time What do you think one o'clock says instead of one

Beer o'clock Beers Well you know it's tat So it's fizz time Fizz time Phil Prosecco It just says one Prosecco Oh fizz time. It's fizz time, Phil. Prosequon. It just says one Prosecco.

Oh! Okay, so it's one Prosecco. Is it two Prosecco? Yes. Is it three Prosecco? Yes. And then is it floor? It's, it's, I mean I'll give it, you got that right, it's more dot dot dot.

More! God, we're so close to actually having a tat That's in the tat attack Jingle Yes Yeah madness Then five What do you think it says for five It's not a pun it's just a random sentence that relates to it

Topic wise To five okay Not to five to fizz-wise. To five, okay. Not to five, to fizz time. Oh, to fizz time, okay. And to Prosecco, generally. Okay. Another bottle?

It just says, it's fizz o'clock somewhere. Oh, that is to do with five. Oh, is it to do with five? Yeah, five o'clock somewhere. Yeah. I'm afraid six is obscured by the packaging. So we're going to go straight to seven. And let's just say it's before the dawn of written history.

Before the dawn of written history? Let's just say this is a sentence that could have been uttered by our distant ancestors. Gosh. Drink. Think more even. Yeah, but drink. Three incentives. Three verbal.

Thirst. Hunger. Hunger. But it's about fizz time Phil three incentives for fizz time that are ancient like instructions you know okay okay

we've said it once today pop clink fizz pop fizz clink yes yes seven o'clock is grandma caveman time oh my gosh she's in there grandma caveman made it she's in there yeah yeah yeah yeah and then eight just is fizz time again. The name of the book. Fair enough. Nine is obscured by packaging. Ten just says, follow the fizz.

They're starting to lose their minds at this point. They're losing their minds. Follow the fizz. Just follow it. Like, follow the clues. Follow the fizz. Follow the fizz. There you'll find your answers. You can help me put the president behind bars. Just follow the Fizz. Follow the Fizz. There you'll find your answers.

You can help me put the president behind bars. Just follow the Fizz. Shouldn't even be talking to you. Follow the Fizz. I need more than that. That's all you're getting! Drives away. 11 o'clock.

It just says, naughty but nice completely uncoupled from reality at this point completely off the rails and then 12 which I suppose in this context is ideally midnight and not midday finish your day sparkling but we've been sparkling since 1 we've been sparkling since one we've been sparkling since one

we're only going to finish our day sparkling if sparkling is new slang for vomiting or for drinking so much Prosecco that your piss is fizzy put that in the humidifier gosh sparkling piss vapour pouring Prosecco into the humidifier Gosh Sparkling Pouring Prosecco into the humidifier

It's Prosecco's steam o'clock somewhere Fizz time Fizz time Fizz time Fizz time It's like an old farmer Standing on the porch of a dust bowl farm

Clanging a bell Clank clank Fizz time Or the hungry farm workers Coming in Like straw hats with buckets Ready for fresh ladles of fizz from the barrel Come and get it Come ladles of fizz from the barrel.

Come and get it. Come and get your fizz. A dollar a day and a ladle of fizz at the end of it all. Honest work. Sorry, from the Great Depression. The Prosecco version of the Great Depression. That's what the grapes ofes of Wrath were about. Yes.

That's the grapes they used to make it. Depression Prosecco was made from the Grapes of Wrath, yeah. Depression-era tat, yeah. Just like buying a big display bowl It's called like Something like a dust bowl Like if there's any dust in this bowl It's not my fault

Great Depression era tat is a very funny idea See you in California Yeah Well thank you william and shaney thank you william shaney for two really hefty bits of correspondence a lovely bit of time and a lovely we story load-bearing correspondence thank you for the uh a big we story which is a contradiction in scotland yeah a big we story a big we story how can you have a big we story well we found a way well we found a way fizz and piss that's the way uh thanks for listening to bonus pod thanks as ever to for subscribing to

our patreon yes thank you very much much We hope you're enjoying the bonus Content And we hope you're relishing Maybe there's A whole class system Is being established You're all dressing in different hats And attending different balls at various palaces

Yes That's what we're looking to establish A divisive and hierarchical culture Yes Yes Well, we hope you enjoyed the fizz and the piss Choose wisely and we'll see you next week Bye all, bye bye

Bye