BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 165 - Why, Lydia!

Episode Date: May 25, 2022

Pierre Novellie and Phil Wang chat sweet and savoury, cinemas, nudes and bean juice, Phil got his dinner bought by a fan, Seth Meyers cookies, bin men. Correspondence from: Neil, being lovely, chateau de caca, Joseph gets in touch about his Moroccan ManPon (Why, Lydia!) Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 165. 165. We must strive, we must strive, Pierre. We strive to be back here for one more Budpod. At least one more Budpod, that's the least we can say. Am I wrong in saying, Phil, that 165 as a number feels yellow and red um i don't see yellow and red okay well i see red i see red in the six five as is black to me oh interesting yeah five is very to me five is quite uh yeah it's very neutral it's quite masculine it's black oh that is interesting um also hello thank you very much to all the pod buds who were at phil's book signing interview chat with both of us in bristol in bath in bath in bath yeah bath the uh yes the city of Hygiene The cutesy Jane Austen version of Bristol

Yes Bristol's Bridgerton Yes, absolutely It was at the Bath Festival on Saturday and Pierre and I were at the Comedian Bath and it was great, a load of pod buds turned up

Cool cats Yeah, a lot of cool cats who i think were very thrilled to have a surprise bonus pierre there yes chatting to me about the book yes i don't think i was advertised or i don't know i just showed up with my little book yep yep yep. I like to think I got some goddamn answers out of you for once, actually. Yeah, Pierre really grilled me. I think if you're close enough to the stage, you could have seen the beads of sweat forming and dribbling down my forehead. You look like Nixon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, well, when Phil Wang writes it, it isn't illegal. Nixon yeah yeah yeah well when the film Wang write it it isn't illegal we should do that we should write a hard-hitting stage play called Wang Novelli the little slash there it's it's sort of like it's done like Frost Nixon but it's just talking about people pooing into their own hands

i'm i'm david frost and i've got a whole crew of people saying don't let him get away with it make sure he tells you what he thinks about people pooing in their hands yes yes i'll do my best and and and he's like so you're saying that when you and Pierre Novelli were talking for all those hours, there was recording equipment? You were being recorded? And I just start sweating like, oh, well. Of course, the one thing we never got to the bottom of is why? Why record it?

Who on earth would want to hear this? Why record evidence of so many crimes that you knew to be wrong? Like pooing in your hand. I would love to listen to a podcast of Richard Nixon and Henry Kissinger chatting about shitting themselves. It would be of genuine historical value, I feel. But it was cool. It was nice to... Yes, packed house.

Packed house. There's like 300, 400 people there. So many people. Fun questions. Good questions. Only one was about me on Taskmaster because usually I go to these book events and I chat about the book for 45 minutes

and I go, any questions? And all these hands go up. It's like, yes. Why did you wear the yellow jumpsuit on Taskmaster? And then I'm like, unless you have a question, if you have a question just about the jumpsuit on Taskmaster, can you put your hand down?

And all the hands go down. Unless you have a question. If you have a question just about the jumpsuit and taskmaster, can you put your hand down and all the hands go down? But there were questions about the book. There were questions about my opinions on things, which is exactly what I like to hear. I love when people want to know my opinions on things.

It's great. And it was great, Pierre. It was great. We had some real great laughs. You know what, Pierre? It was actually the closest we've gotten to the forbidden bud pod live yeah that's true it was it was um it was a bud pod live in all but name in some ways yeah the the thin cover of the book they're masquerading for those unaware of the podcast as a way to trick them into coming um has it has it made you will literally be it will literally be a thin cover soon because the paperback is coming out next month very nice very nice you can finally bend

wang's book that's right that's right no more hard No more hard covers. Just hard truths. Yeah, just hard truths. Has it softened your heart, Phil, towards the forbidden idea of a live Bud Pod? Maybe. Maybe. I don't want to start getting people excited, but it was fun. Has it reassured you that it wouldn't just be you sweating and going, um, poo comes from the bum. And then running off stage in that kind of loose elbowed way

that people run when they're children. Yeah, it did. It did. It did reassure me that we would have something to talk about in front of a crowd of people for an hour. Oh, yeah. Oh, yes especially with um live correspondent imagine that correspondence straight from the horse's mouths that's quite that's a good idea in it for people to have to to say their shame say your shame the the because obviously the correspondence we get is so well

written they'd be like standing up and reading out like a little short story about their own bum. It'd be great. Yeah, it'd be like a presentation in English class. Yeah. Yes. What did your bum do this weekend? Everyone? Can I hear from you?

Everyone go home and write about what your toilets did over the summer. Extra credit, yeah. I never understood the idea of... Well, I mean, I understood it through implication, but I was always fascinated by this American idea that they had to get all these... It was like Star Trek. You had to get these credits together.

God forbid you don't have the credits. Which credits were these? Well, just in TV shows and things. I got to get extra credit. That class is worth four credits. It was like something from a sci-fi novel. Or this is going on my permanent record. Yes, yeah.

We've discussed in the past the idea that there's this insane indestructible record somewhere. Yeah. And characters can be tempted to doing things where it's like you're sure you don't want to come to banjo class no i say it's it's extra credit okay and that'll be like the plot will start from there you know it's just credits i just love the idea that you've got this little like like video game bank yeah you have to fill mass effect yeah and somehow it's like well you have loads of credits now so you have a degree from a university or whatever you go oh okay sick i thought i had to do specific like in the uk system it's like specific subjects the whole time and then an exam

and a dissertation there's no chance of outside credits at all thank god and thank fuck yes although it would have been funny to get the degree i have while like contributing to it with like five credits from like karate or something yeah mini golf mini golf yeah or just a class on on where you all write poems. Speaking of currency, Pierre, last night I went to see the new movie Everything Everywhere All at Once. Okay, so that movie, everyone I know in the world

is talking about it as if they got to the movie theater and suddenly a big mouth came out of the screen and just sucked them off for two hours i i mean they're not far off it is it is amazing really it's amazing yeah it's incredible it's one of the yeah it's one of the greatest movies i've i've ever seen and i'm not prone to hyperbole no you're not well yeah i'd say you're prone to i'd say you're prone to hyperbole right so making things like right yeah decreasing the the bully you're a man i like small bully

i like very small bullies yeah but it's it's absolutely incredible and it's so imaginative and so interesting and so beautiful and what done done so in a way humbly like the whole movie i saw today it's visually one of the most stunning movies i've ever seen and the budget for the whole movie was i think 25 million dollars which is less apparently than the than than the food budget on dr strange gee you're kidding yeah uh no no 25 million dollars for benedict sandwiches for big sandwiches beer for benedict's eggs his ex benedict his cumberbatch sandwiches cucumber his cucumber batch sandwiches eggs benedict and cucumber sandwiches 25 million dollars that's why they're so expensive just a licensing of his name for those for those foods yeah it was alone cost 15 million which is a way of his name for those for those foods yeah alone cost 15 million

which is a way of rerouting his fee um god i mean there is a is jamie lee curtis who's in everything everywhere all at once who's been tweeting this and i yeah maybe i've maybe i've maybe she was kidding and i've taken it maybe she's using hyperbole herself and I've taken it as true. But it costs a lot, lot less than Doctor Strange and I think it's doing quite a bit better. Are you telling me that this is the kind of thing I have to see in the cinema? Yeah, I would say so.

Oh, balls, okay. Yeah, it's truly great. It's a lot more Chinese-y than I expected it to be. Because one of the director-writers is a Chinese-American. And it stars Michelle Yeoh, who's a Chinese-Malaysian. She's the great Malaysian actor. Oh, right. Okay.

Had you heard of her before? Oh, yeah, yeah. Every Malaysian knows of Michelle Yeoh. She was... Was she the first Asian Bond girl or something like that? Oh, her, yeah. Every Malaysian knows of Michelle Yeoh. She was... Was she the first Asian Bond girl? Or something like that? Oh, her! Yes, yes. I know who you mean now.

Yes, Ko. Okay. Oh, man. I've got to get myself to the skin-ima. I've got to get to the skin-ima. Yeah, you've got to get yourself scowned to the skin-ima. I've got to get scowned to the skin-ima to scotch some Scoobies. I've got to get yourself scowned to the cinema. I've got to get scowned to the cinema to scotch some Scoobies. I've got to do it. It's been ages since I've been.

It's just finding the time. I say finding the time. It's literally down the road, but showings and all that. I just need to get off my ass and do it. I saw you go quite a lot. Every time I say, oh, that movie's supposed to be good, and he's like, yeah. You're always like, yeah, it's all right. And he's like, well, when did you see it? And I don't know. I just saw it. You seem quite casual about seeing a lot. Every time I say, oh, that movie's supposed to be good, and he's like, yeah, you're always like, yeah, it's all right.

And he's like, well, when did you see it? And I don't know, I just saw it. You seem quite casual about seeing a lot of stuff. Yeah, I try to just sort of wander down and do it almost like it's in my lunch break sort of vibes, ideally. Although, I mean, a lot of it is just because I was on those two flights recently, and I managed three movies each way, So that's a good six down. That's a good go in.

Yeah. At the cost of sleep, of course. Yeah. God, I need to do it. Phil, what's your go-to movie house snatch? My movie house snatch, if it's available. Yesterday, I had a small salted popcorn because i i usually go for a mixed salt and sweet salty and sweet popcorn but i've had a lot of sweet things

yesterday pierre i don't know how it happened i just i just happened to have a lot of sweet things yeah and i and sweet cloys on me hangs around and yes it kind of builds up i can only have so much tolerance per day and once i hit my sweet limit i have i i can't take any more yeah i need salty salty salty you um direct to heal you and i are quite similar in that respect in that if you have enough of a sweet like if we had a sweet a sweet breakfast you know pancake, pancakes, syrup or whatever. That's the sugar for the day, really. Yeah, we're sons of savory, Pierre. We're the sons of savory.

We're a couple of salty little bullies. A couple of salty sailors, absolutely. And I know what you mean. Even if the sweetness was like... The sweetness. Even if it was like 14 hours ago, you still go still go no i still kind of feel sick from then yeah yep it's like the sugar stays in that restaurant when they're like would you like the dessert i'm i don't even do that oh maybe the shell i don't even do that sort of flirty thing with everyone with oh i don't know maybe i'll just straight away bill that's my dessert.

Yeah. Bill, you're going to put icing sugar in it? That's your business, but I want that. Bill! I'm full of salt and I want to go to bed. I've filled myself with salt and oil. And now I have to sleep. And if I have dessert, it'll be the chalky little mint

that you put on the bill. At most. The crunchy little chalk stick with sugar in it that I... I mean, the whole dessert course doesn't really make sense. Like, well, now you're so full and lethargic and slow and a bit sick. Would you like some caffeine and sugar to keep you awake during this uncomfortable period yeah now that you're packed with oil and salt and you feel heavy like a bear do you would you want to just lose your mind for a bit do you want to do you

want to sprint home shitting i guess the shitting bit is a good part that's a good reason to have coffee right after a big meal yeah that's true evacuate make space yeah gotta get a head start on tomorrow's homework as it were get it pre-downloaded so you can just uh install it the next day yeah i everything everything ever all at once superb everyone must must uh see it it's it's it's just great to have so much chinese so many chinese actors in it and they're all and they speak chinese in an authentic way there's so much authentic chinese stuff but it's also it's also very accessible for anyone who isn't Chinese, obviously. You're the first person I know who's gone on about how brilliant it was who's actually mentioned how Chinese-y it is.

Yeah, yeah, it's astonishingly Chinese-y. I mean, for a huge film like this. Well, retrospective credit to all the honkies who were talking about how good it was who resisted the urge to go on about how chinesey it was i i then continued the evening i the friend who i went with went home after the film and i was peckish so i went down to uh lan zuo la mian which is a noodle place in lesser square there's a tiny little hole in the wall basically that's very good so it's always packed but i got a little place and i sat down i was into this packed table with other chinese people and i got delicious

chinese noodles after a chinese film and then one of the chinese gals leant over and said sorry are you phil wang no and she she'd just seen my special with a friend and then she's saying to and then she leaned over to the other chinese people at the table and she said tasha you go honey or ming the stand-up comedian which meant uh which meant he's a very famous stand-up comedian and then and and then she went away when she left and she came back and said i paid for your bill no, she got a photo with me. She paid for my nudes. And I was like, am I still in the movie? It was so great. What?

It's such a Chinese... So thank you to that lady, that gal. I paid for your... She paid for your nudes. She paid for my nudes and my soya bean milk. What?

Yeah. That's all anyone ever wants from a strange woman. Yeah. I'm a strange woman to Yeah. Is free soybean milk. I want a strange woman to buy me nudes and bean juice. That's what people get on your OnlyFans, isn't it? Nudes and bean juice.

That's the bean you want to juice for the end of the evening. Not the coffee bean, the soybean. I start and end my days, Pierre, with a black bean and then a white bean. It's the yin and yang. The Phil Wang yin-yang bean approach. Yeah, the yin-yang bean diet.

Start the day with a black bean, end with a white bean. God, yeah. By God, I've cracked it. You've nailed it. And try and maybe go through all the other colors of beans throughout the day and then just fart yourself to sleep that's so cool so what was the reaction i here's i'm interested was she the only person who knew and when she sort of excitedly told everyone else in chinese did they look up from their noodles and or or did they just go and pull their balls away it was a very

polite chinese indifference nice it was a kind of oh okay oh okay if you say so and the girls direct across from me um she just uh she when when the girl who recognized me left, she caught my eye and she just gave me one of those smiles that kind of like smile. It's sort of like just a quick acknowledgement that we're both here. Smile. Like when you bump into a colleague in the kitchen making coffee and just like, you've got nothing to say to each each other but you can't not acknowledge that you know each other and they've happened to be in the same space at the same time so you have to give the sort of kind of flat smile all right so she did that to you as if to say i'm not buying you any food yeah pretty much i'm not buying you any food but i heard what she said and i'm happy for you

i heard i heard what she said i saw you take the selfie and I think that's all great. But by God, if you think I'm going to buy you a sweet red bean paste dessert, you got another thing coming. You know, I come to think of it now. The way I looked at her after the girl left did look a bit like me going,

and what are you going to buy me? So if you go, bye, bye, bye, thank you, bye. And then you just look up like, well? Your turn. And you're just with one chopstick just hammering on the side of an empty bowl. I'm hungry! Who's next? You become like

that sort of demon from Spirited Away. Which one? The big ghost demon with the mask on that keeps eating. Oh, yeah. No face. Yeah. You just sat there like no face.

As people sort of buy you tribute. That's really cool, man. It was lovely. Lovely evening. How the hell do you round it? How the hell do you end an evening like that you've just got to go into leicester square and start firing a gun into the sky don't you it's the only way to end on a high when the heights you go great film you feel very

sort of like enveloped by the film embraced and then to be literally fed and embraced by someone who's seen your work and then, that's a lot of energy. I'm surprised you didn't. In a restaurant that was thematically consistent with the movie I'd just seen. Yeah, it was a good evening. I'm surprised you didn't sprint home and commit several murders on the way. It was lovely. It was lovely.

Oh, don't think I didn't consider it, Pierre. Yeah. I was also on one of those gentle hangovers where i hadn't slept too great but i wasn't like sick or headachy i was just a bit sort of woozy and foggy dreamy yeah dreamy you can have one of those kind of dreamy days we can't where everything feels just a little bit surreal and and so that kind of added to it that was really nice there's no way to operate those days you can't you can't have anything important to do that day but they can be quite nice sort of

zen reflective emotional days i find yeah definitely and especially yesterday where you had a sort of combination of oh it was a warm day but in my head the ideal would be a very just a very short burst of very soft rain it's lovely the weather temperature right now in london yesterday today is ideal it's so nice it's not raining but it's a bit cool on the air pierre yes cool in the shade so nice so what um to to travel back what sweets what sweets phil because i i i did oh at the cinema well no what sweets did you have that made you have to have the little salty boy because you said you had a sweet sweet day oh yeah i had a sweet day because i started the day with a cinnamon uh croissant pastry thing that was nice after a bite but then then after three, you're like, this is too sweet.

Yeah, and it quickly degenerates into you sort of go, is this cinnamon icing in folds of essentially paper? Yeah, so I ended up throwing that away. It's also not a great way to start your day, just like load up with sugar, and you go, ooh, I'm awake, I'm ready. And then half an hour afterwards, you're like, I want to go to bed yeah the 11 30 a.m crash and then um in the afternoon i had a an enormous american cookie from my seth meyers when i performed on the seth meyers late late show in new york it's on youtube now if you look up phil wang seth meyers i did a five minute set on there

um but i got a little goodie bag because they always give these tv shows always give you a in New York. It's on YouTube now. If you look up Phil Wang Seth Meyers, I did a five minute set on there. But I got a little goodie bag because these TV shows always give you a little goodie bag to take home. Oh, cool. And I got some New York cookies from this place that is supposedly well known. And they're so thick. They're so thick, these cookies,

Pierre. There's basically cake in the middle and a cookie on the outside. It's thick. They're thick, boys. They're like thick these cookies Pierre There's like basically cake in the middle What? And a cookie on the outside Really? It's thick They're thick boys They're like They're the size of English scones But they're cookies

Jesus Christ That's not a cookie anymore They're thick with two C's Boys B-O-I-S Yeah they are They got that cake They got that cake as they say

Oh my lord And what is Seth Meyers We haven't really discussed that What's Seth Meyers like in real life? IRL They got that cake. They got that cake, as they say. Oh, my Lord. And what is Seth Meyers? We haven't really discussed that. What's Seth Meyers like in real life? IRL. IRL. Seth Meyers is a really nice guy.

He came in to my dressing room before I went on to give me a little chat, just to introduce himself and everything. He was telling me about when he used to do the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Mad. In 2000, I think 1999 to 2001 or two or something, like he did the Fringes. And I think, unless I'm misunderstood, he shared these bills, or at least one of them,

with none other than a young, the office mackenzie crook whoa mackenzie crook doing weird character stuff and seth meyers doing his stand-up whenever i hear about famous americans doing the edinburgh fringe in any context it always weirds me out in the same way that if i found out seth meyers had gone to my primary school found out Seth Meyers had gone to my primary school. When? It is. Why?

It's also funny because the fringe is something that we all here in the UK in the comedy industry accept as something you sort of need to do. Yeah. And we know why we do it. We know why we spend all that money and go through all that emotional and mental turmoil for a month. We know why we do it. We know that that's going to happen

and we still sign up to it. That's how much it it means to us but then when an american says they did it we go oh why are you nuts you're mental as we continue to do it for a decade yeah what i think is that we've internalized so much the the understanding that americans have a better life than we do yeah and enjoy themselves and have a more pleasant life experience and we're like, what? But these horrible experiences are for us, not you. Yeah, it's almost eerie.

It's a bit like finding a whole bunch of cult in America of fans of like, Wetherspoon's breakfasts. Well, the breakfasts apparently have quite a good reputation. The burgers, maybe. You sort of go, really? And they go, yeah, we love it.

But you have better things, don't you? Very mysterious. Don't you? I did the opposite on Sunday, Phil. It was my older sister has a birthday or had a birthday, depending on when you're listening to this, recently. And we had a braaiai a lecker braai a big old barbecue oh lovely and i ate a mile of meat

eat them why don't you eat a mile in pierre's shoes and see how you feel after that? Eat a mile in my shoes. Yeah? Yeah. And see how you feel. You don't think meat is good? Well, why don't you eat a mile in Pierre's shoes? Oh, you don't feel sick, do you? You don't feel sick right now?

You don't feel like you're about to throw up and shit at the same time? Well, why don't you eat a mile in Pierre's shoes? We're trying to get everyone in Britain to eat a mile in pierre's shoes we're trying to get everyone in britain to eat a mile of meat to hasten the destruction of the planet eat a mile of meat a meter of meat a day and you'll hit a mile before you know it. Oh, yeah. I'd love that. Chris Tarrant telling everyone. Chris Tarrant visibly and audibly doing little burps and farts and just really red and sweaty.

Just eating some mince. You know, it's like cooked mince and onions. Eat a mile of meat. Yeah, I did my part. Wow, that's amazing. So your sister had a birthday braai. So yeah, a big South African BBQ in someone's garden or in a park or... In a garden.

On a runway. On a runway. Under siege runway. On a runway. Under siege. On a busy runway. In the air, on the beaches. In the valleys and in the hills. We ate a mile of meat. That's lovely.

Now, I know you are a tongman yourself. You like to man the forge at a braai. Were you flipping joints? I was... Tossing saucies? I was off duty. I was off duty. My brother-in-law was on duty along with my father.

And that's more than enough Tongmen. That's more than enough Tong men. There's more than enough Tong men. I helped out by eating a lot of dip. Just with a spoon? Yeah, very helpful. And intermittently watching pieces of a show on Netflix that my nephew, one of my nephew's likes, which appears to be about dinosaurs that are made out of trucks.

Dinosaurs that are made out of trucks. Dinosaurs that are made out of trucks. Okay, so like in the Transformer kind of way, the trucks become a dinosaur, but then you can see like the shoulder is, I don't know, one of the axles, and then the back is the exhaust pipe, or the tail is the exhaust pipe, or something like that. You've got the right idea, but they're're never just trucks they're always dinosaurs made of machinery that

is also construction machinery truck stuff okay so they're all specifically construction vehicles yes but one is like a stegosaurus truck and one is like a t-rex truck oh yeah okay yeah yeah yeah now i would have thought that see the the backhoe no not the backhoe yes the backhoe is the crane i don't know one that swivels around and has a big long digger plow thing it already looks like a brontosaurus so does that one not have to change you're pretty much bang on there yeah they've just given it some eyes and some robo teeth kind of you're pretty much bang on there yeah they've just given it some eyes and some robo teeth kind of googly eyes yeah and they're all on like tank tracks or wheels depending on the original device and i just i was watching it and i was so impressed with whoever had just gone you

know what little boys fucking love trucks and diggers and they fucking love dinosaurs so why don't we just insanely smush them together and become billionaires and they fucking love dinosaurs so why don't we just insanely smush them together and become billionaires and they just did it I mean I would have been obsessed with that show when I was a kid I loved construction vehicles so much we'd be walking

around town and if there was an unattended backhoe or plough thing, my father would just pick me up and put me in the cockpit and I would just be beaming from ear to ear. I loved construction vehicles when I was a wee lad. Do you remember what the feeling was?

The source of the love? I don't know. I was just obsessed with it. There are just photos of me as a toddler, and it's like the happiest I've ever been, just sat in the seat by some controls of a backhoe. I don't know what it was. I think I love the yellow.

I love the yellow and the black on them. I love the size of them and the power. Yeah. Yeah. I think there's some stuff that little kids like that I get. It kind of makes sense to me how many kids are obsessed with the bin men. Right. Yes, yes, yes.

I get that. Yeah. Because the bin men are kind of heroes, really. They take away your horrible, stinky bins. Yeah, and they're sort of mysterious. And a rubbish truck's kind of cool. It's got like clank, clank, clank bits. It's a big truck.

It's also a big truck. It's got a mouth at the end. It's a big truck. It's got a mouth at the end. They're quite strong. The strong heroes are coming. And your parents are obsessed with them. Your parents always put out the bins. What about the bins? The bins, bins, bins. Always going on about the bins.

So they clearly matter. For these mysterious early morning gods. I was fascinated when I was young by systems that took something from somewhere and made them end up elsewhere. So like Post, I was really fascinated by. Yes. Or the bin men and streams.

I was very fascinated by streams when i was small and by the idea of putting like a leaf at one bit of a stream and and and and having watching the stream take the leaf further down stream the idea of something being placed one play in one spot and then it being taken to another spot really fascinated me you really falling dropping things i was really fascinated by you need to watch the amazon series that is very unknown and underrated in my opinion patriot because they discuss it's very good on its own terms but also there's a there's a very interesting amount of like themes and discussion about like moving things from a to b and what that means because the guy it's a cia agent who has to masquerade as a fluid dynamics expert.

Pipes and so on. Oh, yes. I'm interested. And it's very funny. And I would say it's a mixture of, it's like if the Coen brothers tried to make a Wes Anderson spy TV show. Gosh, that mixes together a lot of things I quite like. Yeah, man.

Give it a little look. But before you look at it shall we look at some correspondence? Oh yeah Yes Twitters, emails, phone calligraphy, your sister

and her sister to prove me right correspondence Neil gets in touch Neil watch your spiel watch his spiel well I'll tell you what his spiel is

he says hi Filvis and Pierre head oh Beavis and Butthead yeah and the subject line is Peavis and Poohead which is good yeah that's good I'm a P pistorian who occasionally subjects his dearly beloved wife to your podcast when we are going back and forth to hospitals while we wait for her kidney transplant oh gosh yeah um after the fourth or fifth time of me forcing her to listen while i drove giggling

and holding back tears of laughter i looked over and she was struggling to cope with the story of the poo vagina. Oh, the nadir. The nadir. Episode 53, if memory serves. Or 51, something like that. She found it so funny that she came up with the title of the email, Beavis and Poo Head. She said, they are the posh, clever the email Beavis and Pooh Head. She said they are the posh clever version of Beavis and Butthead.

Yeah, that's pretty spot on. That's pretty good. I'm pleased with that. I'd put that on a poster. The posh Was it the posh? Posh clever. Yes, the posh clever Beavis and Buttheadthead yeah i'll take that absolutely

yeah and i think well both of both of you know you and i are are posh sounding in the sense that we've had to fit into this country's um incredibly stratified education system and we're not legit aristocrats sadly for us no sadly sadly someday we'll have a needlessly enormous home that we have to rent out to the national trust but not yet not yet um he says i think this is high praise indeed and i will not redact it also a love of frank skinner's show correct very wise man neil very good has taste as i'm now five episodes away from fully catching up over a hundred hours in under two weeks being a full-time carer gives me lots of podcast time bloody hell Neil that's a lot

good for you absolutely love both of your work I was aware of Phil from his stand-up work and as soon as I saw Pierre on the MASH report I was hooked wow that's an old cut that's a deep cut wow that's great it was a great appearance

popping up there talking about Ukraine before it was cool in one of them yeah wow wow you in on the ground i was in on the ground yeah that's right and people weren't listening they're listening now to bud pod uh keep up the amazing podcast i have a local shop that sells lots of tats so expect some pics uh more marjorie and lucky kentucky please um he also says uh i have i've had ibs for 20 years so there's too many poo stories to mention but imagine a posh restaurant with basically a shed in one corner with the toilet in 40th birthday party with the entire family and you can imagine the rest can't bring myself to recall it in full sorry koji Koji. Neil. I mean, Neil's left us very much there with a blank canvas. Yeah.

Yeah, but I mean... To bury his shit onto. Much like monsters in horror films, the shit incident we're now imagining is always more frightening than the truth. That's right. It's the unseen horror that's scarier than the seen horror. Why would a posh restaurant have a shed

with a toilet in the corner? Yeah, that doesn't sound very posh, does it like a little enclosure i know what he means somewhere where like the toilet facilities have been put in by builders like just putting up a wall that wasn't originally there you know but that doesn't sound posh unless it's like a resort or something and you walk you walk through uh a covered little path with lovely plants on either side into the toilet chalet. Yeah. Maybe then. And then there's a little Frenchman in there.

Yeah. And he says, Bienvenue, bienvenue à le chalet. Au chalet de pou, au chalet de caca. Bienvenue à le chalet. Au chalet de pou, au chalet de caca. Chalet de caca. Chalet de caca.

Oui. If I ever make a wine, I'll be called Chateau de Caca. Chateau de Caca Mise en Bottum Mise en Bottum Mise en Derriere Oh no that's the name of the That's the burlesque house in

Oh yes it is Yeah You know when it gets on wine bottles it says Mise en Bouteille Put into bottles So that but Mise like bottled put into bottles oh yeah yeah yeah yeah so that but mise en bottom put into bottoms audible that could be then what's on your would you ever sell uh medical products that with unproven uh efficacy phil perhaps uh enemas do and do enemas have unproven efficacy would you Would you sell a product of unproven medical efficacy?

Such as a herbal enema? No, I don't think I would. Not seriously. I don't think I would. But then, you know, you never know. If you're listening and you've got a bunch of them in a warehouse, as long as you let us be honest. Do write in and we'll, yeah, yeah.

We'll make a case-by-case judgment. We'll make a case-by-case judgment. We'll make a case-by-case judgment. Let's see, what is this person? Joseph, Joseph, Guts and Touch. He does sign his name. Joseph.

What up, brosif? Oh, he's a Technicolor dreamboat. Dear Dr. Novelly and License to Fill. Oh, nice, nice nice nice nice A bond A bond themed correspond A correspondence Correspondence

I have a story that you as pooveas of turd based tales may enjoy Yes Yeah In the summer of 2012 me and two friends Were towards the end of a backpacking trip around Morocco Ah I've been sort a backpacking trip around Morocco. Ah, I've been sort of backpacking in Morocco. It's a, yeah, it's a cool country.

Hot, I imagine. Quite hot, quite hot. And you need to know your French to get around. You need to know your Chateau de Caca from your mise en bottom. Let's just put it that way. You need to know your Chateau de Caca from your mise en bottom. Let's just put it that way. While in the coastal town of... Oh, God. Walidia.

Walidia. Walidia. That's what you say when your wife Lydia's put on a beautiful dress. Walidia. And you're a southern... You're as beautiful as the day we met, Walidia. Your wife Lydia's put on a beautiful dress. Wah, Lydia. And you're a southern... You're as beautiful as the day we met, Wah Lydia. And you're a southern colonel. Wah, Lydia.

I didn't know you still owned that. So that's where he is. He's in Wah, Lydia. Coastal town, he says. I was struck down with a nasty case of food poisoning Owing to a dodgy bit of fish Ah Yeah they have dodgy fish down in that Walidia

Walidia This fish is repugnant This fish has given me the humors Walidia Walidia This fish has given me the humors. Oh, Lydia. Why, Lydia, this fish is... Why, it's running down my thighs. Bit vivid there. Dodgy bit of fish.

This meant that for the duration of our two-day stay, while my friends were sunning themselves by the lagoon, I was stuck in the bathroom of our apartment, destroying the toilet with a violent and incessant firework display. I did my best to keep hydrated and took plenty of travel sickness medication, but when the time came to move on to our final stop of the trip in Fez... Uh, Fez, yes, classic. Yeah, classic. He's going to Fez. F-E-S, which I believe is where they're from, isn't it? The hats?

It's where the hat's from, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Hats off to Fez, that's what they say. Nice. All the tourist gear. Nice. I love that. I was feeling quite literally less than half the man i used to be i'd been well and truly imploded and hollowed out from the inside and felt more like a hologram than a human as we were strapping on our backpacks and about to leave the apartment to catch our bus i felt a rumble in my stomach followed by a sharp abdominal contraction i sort of imagined him

at that point like, you know when a tarantula sheds a skin because it got too big? And it leaves a sort of ghost tarantula. Like just kind of... Just a casing in the shape of a tarantula. That's what I imagined. A casing in the shape of a backpacker.

Yeah, that's right. That's what I imagined Joseph looked like. Yeah, sort of like white and sort of A bit translucent like a fingernail Yeah exactly exactly A carapace Is that what they're called A carapace

Carapace Carapace Would you like some carapace Why Lydia Your carapace? Why, Lydia, your carapace is delightful. Thank you, sir. Why, you must never ask a lady how old she is or at what stage of shedding her carapace she's at.

is or at what stage of shedding her carapace she's at we're gonna do a deep south like cat on a hot tin roof but everyone involved is just spiders and lobsters yeah disgusting human sized bugs but who abide by the sort of

decorum of the old world South. Yeah, of the antebellum South, just very restrained drawing rooms. I've only recently learned that antebellum means pre-war. Ah, yes, pre the Civil War. Because it's only ever referred to,

used to refer to the South of America, the antebellum South. You never talk about antebellum south you never talk about antebellum france really but antebellum south you do i always assumed that it was because i always thought antebellum or antechamber so i thought it's like a i thought it was a geographical the antebellum south was the bit you were in before you were in the south or something well i mean you know temporally space and something. Well, I mean, you know, temporally, space and time being the same thing,

Phil, you weren't wrong. Yes, yes. I suppose if you take an astrophysical approach to this, technically I was correct. Space and time are one. Yeah, which is a good thing to scream as you get dragged from a shut restaurant. In an astrophysical sense, I was correct. Which is a good thing to... Space and time are one. Yeah, which is a good thing to scream as you get dragged from a shut restaurant.

In an astrophysical sense, I was correct. Get off me! Yes, the antebellum south. So he's... What is it? Okay, so they're all strapping on their backpacks, getting ready to leave. They've got a bus to Fez to catch.

Right? Yep. Hats off to Fez. Hats off to Fez. Sharp abdominal contraction, and my body seemed to fart of its own free will. That's astonishing, just your body deciding to clench its fist, as it were. Making you do it.

I'm in control now. I am the captain now. I am the anus now. Only it wasn't a fart. Oh. Had to happen. It's the fart's big brother. It was fart's big brother.

Yeah, fart premium. It was fart's big brother saying, show me who's been bullying you. Uh-oh. his fast big brother saying show show show me who's been bullying you only it wasn't a fart a new disaster had struck i made an excuse and said to my friends i was going to do one for the road that's a funny attitude shitting um bloody hell did you hear that thunder yeah i thought that was you moving wheeled furniture. I thought it was maybe Joseph's fires. Yeah, God. We've added sound effects to Bud Pod listeners.

Yeah, that was incredible. Yeesh, that was deep. That had some bass to it. I think I just heard some, but it might have been a low-flying plane. That bass was like I was in a Berlin nightclub. Yeah, that was so deep. Bookie.

That's good stuff So he says I'm going to do one for the road And I'll catch you up He goes to inspect the damage Sure enough there are around three tablespoons worth Of slimy mucusy shit in my pants I I think I know Yes I can picture it

Like a baby's first poo. Yeah. Yeah. That involuntary, like, that kind of shit where you go, if it weren't for modern medicine, I would be dead in a day. I think I was haunted. He says, three tablespoons may not sound like much, but I can assure you it's enough. Clearly the medication. It's like an ectoplasm. It's an ectoplasm it's an ectopoop it's an ectopoop yes it's that kind of poop that's why the thunder happened because it was a ghost

clearly the medication i'd taken to try and bung myself up for the journey hadn't worked and the volcano of bubbling shit in my digestive tract was still active i cleaned myself up changed my boxes and put the soiled pair in the bin a lot of binned boxes on this podcast more than i would have ever have thought yeah the reality of the situation sunk in i was about to embark on a five hour bus trip and had just demonstrated i couldn't even make it out of the apartment without charting. Oh no. The asshartment. I knew from previous trips there would not be a toilet on the bus and wasn't sure if the stop of halfway in Casablanca

would allow me enough time to take a toilet break and say, spray it again, Sam. Very good. Very good. This is fun trivia. That line doesn't exist in the movie. He never says, play it again, Sam. very good um this is um fun trivia that line doesn't exist in the movie

he never says play it again Sam that's right isn't it does he does he he says something close to it um

yeah maybe like play it or like the song or shut up and play

or something shut up and play it or that that slaps Sam I think he said that

that tune slaps he says yo that shit is fire son yeah that's the actual line yeah people don't remember or we forget yeah but yes um spray it again sam very good um i was trying to think of a joke related to the film and that one is based on the often misquoted line from humphrey bogart slash beaufort is the best I could do. Sorry. Bumfrey Beaufort. Bumfrey Beaufort. Bumpy Blowfart.

Once again, we're getting close to losing all trace of the original name. Just no meaning at all. Just go to someone and go, oh, do you know Bumpy Blowfart? What? I don't even know what you've just said. Yeah.

Yeah, I've really wrecked it. Yeah, I'm hearing it now. And I'm on the other side of London to you. Spooky. Isn't that sweet? We're sharing the same storm. We share a storm together. That would be good, Tant.

You share a storm, yeah. So he says, we hadn't budgeted for an extra day in WALIDIA, so trying to stay for another night at the apartment wasn't an option either. I knew I had to get on the bus in a few minutes, and it felt like I was almost certainly going to

shit myself at some point. It felt like I was approaching certain doom. I had to do something, and fast. That something turned out to be developing a device I'd later call the Man-Pon. The Man-Pon? The Man-Pon. Okay.

Great. The Man-Pon is a generous length of toilet roll fashioned into a cigar shape. It's fun to do a sort of Groucho Marx Or Winston Churchill impressions with it A generous length A generous length of toilet roll fashioned into a cigar shape And then placed between one's arse cheeks

Like a hot dog and a bun Hot dogs here A bit like a partial like like what the sumo sumo wrestlers of wear that kind of sumo wrestler yeah uh underwear nappy thing where they go right through their cheeks yes exactly yes but but unlike sumo wrestlers and their culture of honor this is done with the intention of shame yes yes yes yes yeah so he says my plan was thus i would try and get a window seat on the bus hopefully at the back and by myself for a bit of privacy and if slash when i shat myself the man pond would soak up the liquid feces and keep me and my clothes as clean as possible then i'd sneakily remove the manpon from my arse and lob it out of the bus window

onto the baking hot motorway to be dried to a crisp by the sun. I'd then fashion another manpon out of the spare toilet roll I had in my pocket, shove it between my arse cheeks, and start the awful cycle again. Quick, another manpon Quick, nurse More manpons

The patient's shouting I've heard worse ideas I've heard worse ideas than the manpon No, this is about as smart As I guess you could be, really. I want to see this on Dragon's Den. I mean, this is the most extremely effective solution he could have done short of finding the only place in WALIDIA where you can buy butt plugs. Short of literally plugging his butt.

short of literally plugging his butt the man pond seems to be the best best answer I'm pleased to say that I miraculously made it to Fez with my underwear and the man pond relatively unsullied well done I do feel the man pond gave me the confidence to take on the long bus ride

and in a small way I'm proud of my improvisation I felt like Ramius That's what they're like on the tampon adverts Yeah you feel proud But they show the confidence As a woman with a tampon Running around, going for a jog Having coffee with your friends

It's the same thing with a manpon Get a manpon for that boost of confidence Man if you have food same thing with a man pawn. Yeah. Get a man pawn for that boost of confidence. Man, if you have food poisoning, just get a man pawn and you can go bouldering again or roller skating or give a business presentation. And everyone

claps and they don't know that you're shitting your pants. So he says I felt like Ray Mears if he were a character in an Irvin Welsh book that's a good comparison yes very good

I should also stress that despite the manpon's name I give my blessings for all genders to use it at time of invention I thought the perfect thing to have to hand to stem the flow would be a sanitary product, hence the name. Yeah, but he's going full Tim Berners-Lee here. This is for the world. This is for everyone.

Yeah, this is for everyone. Just a little while he says that. This is for everyone. Human pond, you could call it. For all humans. I'm keen to know what the buds would have done in my situation, and if you think I'm completely mental for trying to bung up my ass with a cigar made of toilet roll, should I have just passively accepted my fate?

Should I? My only other idea was to sacrifice my least favored t-shirt, turning it into a sort of nappy, and tying a long-sleeved top around my waist to cover its bulky form. Do either of you have any alternative solutions? Praise be and thanks to be redacted.

I'd like to say, well, I'll just say the praise this time. I'd like to say a sincere thank you for producing such an amazing podcast. It's comfortably given me the most laughs over anything else during the pandemic. Thank you. Good luck with the return to live performance. Keep up the excellent work. Koji Joseph in Vancouver.

Oh, thank you, Joseph in Vancouver. Very nice. Yes, a great story. And I mean, you asked what we would do, but it sounds like you did pretty much as well as you could have. You nailed it. Yeah, you nailed it. Just imagine... You survived the ordeal and created a new product if we had been there me and phil would

have hugged you like robin williams and goodwill hunting and just said it's not your fault over and over again while you cried and shouted while you were going me and and Phil both rubbing your back saying it's not your fault It's the fault of Wild Lydia Wild Lydia your fish sure stinks No well done Joseph You did a great job You innovated

You MacGyvered your way out of there. You survived. That's all we can do in these situations. Survive. Well, Phil, now it's time for you and I to take the five-hour, boiling-hot, toiletless bus to the Patreon.

Yes. Yes. Join us, won't you? If that entices. Please. There are seats near the back. Also, just. Join us, won't you? If that entices. Please, there are seats near the back. Also, just a quick plug, I have, of all things beer, a beer coming out. Well, I have a beer that's come out. It's called the Orwangutang, and it's a sour orange beer,

the proceeds of which are going to the Orangutan Foundation in support of orangutans in my native Borneo. The beers are available at the Wine Society. So go on the Wine Society website and look up the Orwangutan to buy some good beers for a good cause. Buy those beers and help out those

forest guys. Forest guys. Orangutans. Yeah. My plugs. I'm just doing lots of previews all around the place lots of works and progresses london bristol uh preston at some point in july i'll post them on the patreon first to give you guys the edge and then i'll post them on twitter marvelous lovely great stuff all thanks guys um have a good week i'll see you in the bonus pod bye