BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 166 - Shatibum Poobipee

Episode Date: June 1, 2022

Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie chat jubilee and poo and wee, basestation, the right to be dead in your car, keeping in touch, correspondence from Amy re: the turder pisstory, Kristen re: alerts, sketch is Jubilee Lucky Kentucky! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod 166. 166 Turn and Tricks. That's a euphemism for sex working, right? Yes, Turn and Tricks means sex working. Can you have SWFH, sex working from home? I guess you can. Yeah, if you live in the brothel or um i guess if you're a webcam artist i don't know yes but then you're sex if you're an artiste de cam

i guess i guess it is with with a with a if you're a a dumb a dumb to cam if you're a dam de cam That's good That's a nice That would be like a good modern film noir title or something Cam dam Dam de cam Yes, it's a nice evolution of the femme fatale

from femme fatale to dam de cams Yes, instead of saying, like, I knew she was trouble from the moment she walked into my office. Then instead you have, I knew she was trouble from the moment she logged into my Zoom meeting room. And because he could see that she was Zooming him from, like, a set, you know, like a webcam

like a what's that fucking tv channel when we were teenagers was like the naughty channel oh um I don't want to say pink something it's not pink something babe station what was it called

babe station thank you babe station it does babe station to listen it called adult station babe station thank you babe station where is it does babe station i can't can it but it was the tension when i mean i don't know if this happened in your house but it would happen so much in our house where mom would just keep surfing through the channels and so there's nothing to watch and then this tension among the kids would slowly build as the number got higher and higher and higher

yeah like i can remember once mom was just scrolling up and she got up to she got on one of the pointer channels and it was just a full-on girl uh a girl eating out another girl just close up christ and i was like ah it was like a Simpsons scream And we were like And mum was like For some reason it's always when the parents Stumbles across hardcore porn That they suddenly forget how to use a remote And she's like

Pressing volume up Muting it on and off And getting subtitles on Mum! I'm trying! Yeah so that definitely happened once um they forget they forget how to use technology that was new in the 50s come on yeah you're right volume up now they're subtitling the the porn in greek or whatever yeah in ancient Greek

How have you got ancient Greek? Why are we even paying for this package? Yeah, the high numbers Where it would sort of be these baffling channels Those channels can't They must be bankrupt Surely Yeah, they must be gone

because unless there's enough guys out there whose kink is specifically running the risk of getting caught by a family

in the living yeah because there's no benefit to something like Babestation now there's nothing it offers that you

can't get with the privacy of your laptop or even your phone yeah so unless your thing is getting caught i don't see why you would choose it over how many new new available options i well yeah and and like it the cost for them to put it on and i don't know it doesn't seem right i just remember that like no nominally i could see the appeal of something like babe station

but it was just two women in their underpants like bra and underwear on a bed just kind of going oh forever as far as i could tell i sort of being texted by truckers yeah and i mean to their credit vamping with the skill of a radio one DJ. I mean, they didn't even have songs to cut to, and they could keep up the chat. That's incredible, for hours. Sexy talk radio. And in talk radio, you can just, you know, dive into the political issues of the day,

and they can't do that either. Now, that's a show I'd watch. Babe Station Politics. Talk Babe Station. Babe Talk. Talk and Babe. Yeah. Where they're like in their underwear

and they're sort of going, ooh, I think armed intervention can sometimes, you know, just really going into international relations and the philosophy thereof. It'd be, someone must be doing that as an angle online somewhere.

Surely. As in for a king? Yeah, or just for a demographic. It's all, Phil, you know, we work in the business as well. You and I are a couple of attention workers too. And you know as well as I do, it's about finding your demographic. And what's that rule of the internet?

Is it rule 49? That if it can be imagined, then porn already exists? 34. 34. Rule 34. 34, yes. Yeah, it's got to exist yeah well like you know that's that's one of the things that people don't appreciate about stand-up everyone thinks the hard part of stand-up is going on stage whereas in reality the really hard part is really looking at yourself in the mirror so to speak literally metaphorically metaphorically, and going, who am I for?

Who am I for? Or looking at your own thoughts written on your notepad and going, who likes this? What kind of people like this? To whose benefit am I doing this? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man.

The craziest bit of stand-up is when you've been doing material long enough that it's lost meaning to you but you are so deluded that you go well it must it might not mean anything to me anymore but if i say it out loud it'll mean something to other people they'll understand what i'm getting at even though i don't and it's rotted on the vine yeah um how have you been man you're back you're glad to be back in the uk now that we're getting into that lovely phase of um gray and hot. Yes, I'm very glad to be back in the UK. I love the temperature. I love the beautiful countryside.

I was just in Wales yesterday. Oh no, Sunday. Sunday I was in Wales doing shows. So thanks to anyone who came to the Wales Comedy Festival. It was a lovely time. It's a beautiful country up here. And since I've been back, memories that I'd sort of blocked out of america started coming back to me uh for example i'm 99 sure i saw a man dead in his car in san francisco what i'm pretty sure

yeah i was walking up a hill i was walking up up a hill in San Francisco and I looked across and parked sort of facing downwards of this hill was like a Land Rover or something. And there was a guy like his head against the steering wheel with a face mask hanging off of his left ear. Not, you know, not fully attached. And he could, he might've been napping,

but his arms were hanging. I think if you're napping, but his arms were hanging. I think if you're napping, your arms don't hang. I think your arms are up if you're napping. Surely, yeah. You want to have support, don't you? And he was extremely still. Oh, God. And then I thought, gosh, should I go over and check?

And then I thought, well, if he is napping, I'm just going to wake him up and annoy him. And if he is dead, there's nothing I can do. That's true. And so I just kept walking. So you just looked at that guy and you thought, you know what? Maybe he likes to sleep to the sound of his car horn forever. The horn wasn't beeping i think if the horn was if his head was on a horn it's going

i think then i would have yeah okay if only to stop the noise yeah um but i mean if you if he wasn't dead he naps in a very strange way and i mean it says a lot about my experience, how my experience in America went, that it's completely believable to me that he was just dead in his car and no one cared because there was a lot of that sort of thing. Look, Phil, you were looking at the dark side of the coin of individual freedom. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Yep, the land of the free. You're free to do as you please. You're free to pursue the American dream. You're free to be dead in a Land Rover and not be bothered. If you want to be dead in your car, hey, none of my business, buddy. Enjoy. Yeah, those of my business, buddy. Enjoy.

Yeah, those suits in Washington, they have no right, back out east, they have no right to drag your free body out of your car. They'll drag me out of this car by my cold, dead hands. Literally, I'm dead literally i'm dead i'm dead uh yes i don't know yeah

yeah so i may i might have seen the dead body i'm not sure it's okay so there's a there's a it sounds like a high chance because even when you're like i'm talking as a guy who as a result of being quite tall and and oddly shaped when i sleep on a plane, I have to sleep in a sort of horrible heads forward position. And my arms have never hung limply at my flanks. Some people do sleep like they're dead, though. Some people do nap as if and look like they're dead. Yeah, that's true. Could have been. Could have been but could have been could have

been could have been anyway what i'm trying to say is it's nice to be back yes oh and thank you to the pod buds um certainly at least one pod bud who came to a work in progress uh preview thing that was a bit last minute for me last night at the Finsbury Tavern, a lovely venue near Manor House Station for comedy. Thank you for coming to that. Very good to see you. Very nice. A whip for the Fringe, getting our shit in shape. Yes, yes, yes.

Trying to get our Edinburgh shows together. Both Pierre and I will be at the Edinburgh Fringe. I'll be there for one week in the middle. The show is on sale now, so do go to the website and get some ticks. Yeah, likewise. I will be at Monkey Barrel for most of the month, apart from two, Phil, two, count them,

two weddings that I have to go to. Man, oh man. Yeah man I don't have any weddings you're not present at nuptials well no I mean everyone keeps saying oh it's wedding season coming up I'm not invited to any weddings that's quite a funny that could be quite a funny bit

do you reckon the experience of having to listen to everyone go on and on about how it's wedding time and just being like nope i'm just i'm literally looking at my calendar now nothing nothing i'm imagining you flicking through like an old paper book calendar like a little notepad calendar and every page in like jagged capitals in pencil it just says no wedding no yeah none each page i think i don't keep i don't keep up with people i think this i don't keep i didn't grow up here so i don't have any sort of childhood friends or even sort of teen friends really and i don't i

don't keep i don't i don't i don't keep up with i don't keep in touch with people you're the only person I keep in touch with in my life I would say that you're a man inclined to let fate do the keeping in touch yeah yeah I find friendship really really hard work well I mean

you're quite lucky that I mean male friendships are pretty low maintenance which is nice. Upsides and downsides. But I mean, yeah, keeping in touch is kind of like a weird job thing. It is difficult. Do you think that moving here at 16 meant that you had an inherently transitory feeling about people? Where you sort of go, well, I don't know, I might just go back to fucking Malaysia.

I don't know if I'll see you again, Stephen. Yeah, I was changing schools a lot you know that yeah moving moving around and changing schools and not really being anywhere for particularly long time this meant i i yeah just meant that i normalized friendships being quite a short-term thing yes yeah it's tough and then like it does i know what you mean moving schools or moving around does give you this feeling of of sort of uh well i'll never see those people again so then you almost feel insane when you do see them again but the other side of it is that i i don't get this thing about people saying it's hard making friends in your 30s i don't get i might make new friends all the time yeah yeah well you and i have to meet new people in your 30s i don't get i might make new friends all the

time yeah yeah well you and i have to meet new people all the time and i don't know if you have this i found that like my brain has started to have to delete the old people yeah to make yeah to make space it's like you have a very old macbook and you have to keep deleting stuff you keep deleting photos and yeah songs one of those digital cameras from 2004 yeah we're like for no reason the date was always set to something fucking mental no matter when you bought it or used it um yeah exactly so like i'm finding now that like there's some people who you know you you you were at school in some form with for like five years and you're just like i've you look at a picture of them and you go i i don't if it wasn't

for facebook i wouldn't know who that was anymore because i've had to meet like five people at each gig with five gigs a week for 10 years yeah yeah exactly yeah you lose you run out of space maybe um making friends being difficult in your 30s is a thing for people who have like a stable office job so it's like same people all the time like it's impossible to meet new people unless you're just like like in a sitcom right characters like i'm gonna start doing life drawing or whatever yeah that's true yeah yeah when you do what we do you always like yeah going to different places and touching different industries and meeting different peeps in various industries.

But you know who I will always have room in my life for, Pierre? Is it Christ? Close. Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. Ah. Her Majesty the Quan. Her Preta Majesty, the Queen of England and Scotland and Wales and Northern Ireland. Yes. And the one in Argentina. All those.

Are you excited about Jubilee? Jubilee weekend? It's the Platinum Jubilee weekend bonanza. Of course. How could I forget? What I don't understand is the actual... I don't really get the dates because the actual anniversary is not this week.

It was like a few months ago, wasn't it? The actual day that she'd been on the throne 70 years. Yes, but I think... Isn't it like you ascend to the throne 70 years yes but i think isn't it like um you don't you ascend to the throne and then a little while later they sought the coronation oh i see so it's the anniversary of the coronation this week maybe or it's like this is the closest bank holiday weekend to the coronation that they can extend by another day or something or also it's in half term isn't it another day or something or also it's in half term isn't it right right yeah that sounds good so it's a nice holiday for the children as well i swear there's a jubilee every year i swear

there's always fucking jubilee isn't it was the last one 10 years ago was the last one 10 years ago yeah it was 10 years ago but also remember that we're talking about a lady who's got two goddamn birthdays oh yeah my dad also has two birthdays but that was due to an administrative error in malaysia okay but both very respectable traditions yeah yeah crazy old liz has got two birthdays jubilees trooping the color inspecting the royal hat the ceremony of the wooden leg you know whatever just on and on yeah she's kind of like a very young kid who's like today's my six and a half birthday i'm six and a half yeah the most um disrespectful to the queen thing that i find funny is the onions uh queen blog oh yeah well she speaks like the hulk or something well yeah she types like someone who's never learned to speak or type um and i find that funny because obviously it's just very

silly but also like for all we know that's you know that could be that could be how it goes down in private yeah yeah because she's kind of like Beyonce the queen because she speaks in public so little you're not actually even sure what her vibe is

what her sense of humor is what she likes if she can actually speak English or if she's just what her vibe is, what her sense of humor is, what she likes. If she can actually speak English or if she's just mouthing the syllables that are presented to her. Like when an actor has to do a language they don't actually know. Yeah, in my head, the Queen is actually just full German and she can only speak German. And when she has to address the country, just give her this phonetic uh these phonetic cards they just like literally tell her the sounds that's why she her when she speaks it's so crisp yes yeah because they're all german it's all german phonetics hello my fellow british yeah it's very sort of very clipped because syllable by syllable,

you're always going to enunciate very clearly. Yeah. Yes, I'm looking forward to it, Phil. I love holidays. I like tradition, but I'm suspicious of the monarchy. But I'm also the inverse of that. I'm a complex man. Yeah, I am sort of pretty much down the middle with the monarchy i think if they were abolished tomorrow i'd be like yeah

makes sense if you held on to them i'd be like yeah makes sense i don't really mind yeah yeah i'm i'm as i get older and older it's not so much that i have more and more faith in it as an institution it's that i have less and less faith in the public's ability to replace it right right and what well what do you think they can be replaced with well i mean there's any number of possible constitutional systems on offer oh i see i think i mean literally the the the place that the royal family holds specifically what what no no i don i think i meant literally the the the the place that the royal family holds specifically what what no no i don't care i don't care about like oh the house of windsor and i want a new house in there like some mad german count no no i don't care about that

although it would of course be very funny if you know just some crazy old war criminal called dita was now the king of england that would be pretty funny, some Prussian lunatic. I think it should be Pascal Sauvage from Johnny English. We should just get John Malkovich to come and be the king. Yes, that would be great. Just this insane sort of being John Malkovich monarchy. All the royal courtiers just chanting the word the name malkovich um uh yeah i i don't yeah i don't mind the right i i've so i think my ideal situation would be a

sort of diminishing of the royalty and the royal family until they're sort of like the dutch royal family they're just going to cycle around but they don't have all that much really yeah yeah it's i suppose it's it's such a thing everyone always goes oh they then bring in a lot of tourism and it's like well no you know for the most visited country in europe is france and they chopped their monarchy's heads off a long time ago so it's not that um whenever they say they bring in a lot of tourism essentially no one ever explains what they mean by that and the argument boils down to castles are more exciting to look at if you think they've been recently

used yeah or if you think you might spot a sighting of the monarch who's still using them as though the movements of the royal family are not a completely secret and b as if you're like uh driving around on a on a hollywood tour and you see like

mel gibson drive past it's not that that's not gonna happen yeah um but then as i say as i get older and you know doing the job that do, we meet the public en masse a lot, especially when they're drunk on Saturdays. And often I just look at them and I think, oh, yeah, you guys deserve Prince Charles to come stand on your heads. Yeah, sometimes you meet members of the public in this country and you go, no, you should be a subject. No, yeah, you are a sort of peon yeah no this makes sense

especially when they're dressed in a doublet and hose phil when there are four guys on a stag do at a gig and they're all dressed as smurfs in 2022 and they still think that's funny i think no no a king should be able to chop your head off at his whim actually yeah yeah i think that's fair yeah i think that's fair when you do a when you do a saturday night gig to five stag and hendoos and uh one of them already has sick visibly down their thigh as they come into the gig. And another member of one of the Stag or Hendoos is again visibly coming out of the bathroom with a little bag of coke that they put into their top pocket slash between their tits. And they're already abusing the staff.

And you just think, yeah, just to get a lot of, I don't know, red coats to come in and kick everyone. Do it. Yeah. Do it. This is a mob. You have those fantasies. This is a terrible mob. But then again, Prince Andrew is also, you know, for the purposes of this podcast, a normal guy who likes giving away millions of pounds.

giving away millions of pounds. Just a normal cool guy who everyone likes because he's so generous vis-a-vis the giving away of over 10 million pounds. He's just a very generous guy. He likes

giving away money and Italian food. He's a whimsical island loving guy. Ha ha. Jubilee. Is there a more beautiful word in the English language than Jubilee. Jubilee means a lot of different things to different people, but to us here at Lurkey, Kentucky, Jubilee means a special anniversary of an event, especially one celebrating 25 or 50 years of rain or activity.

But that's just us. 70 yearsis, the brown bit of the top of the island. And we can think of no better way to mark this monumentous anniversary than by releasing a special limited edition bottle of Lucky Kentucky Jubilee. We call it Lucky Jubilee Kentucky. Lucky Jubilee Kentucky. Not only does it have that trademark Lucky Kentucky taste of new French oak and old octopus eggs, but we've also put in a little touch for her match. That's right, corgi blood.

Queen Lizzie loves nothing than a fine little corgi dog, Queen Lizzie loves nothing than a fine little corgi dog and to mark her 70 years at the top of British life we are releasing Lucky Jablick Kentucky

with corgi blood drink up your majesty congratulations here's to another 70 years in that big old gold chair jubilee to you and to me believe but yeah so i i think i'll be fine with the monarchy uh gone do you think queen elizabeth is a good person do you think she's nice do you think she's a good person i think this is for the spicier bonus part maybe yeah i think she's probably pretty nice i mean i think if you're a

real dickhead it comes out and also like she's from the era where the notion of duty will have been hammered into her so so like relentlessly that she she's probably nice just by like default i guess by like english niceness standards which just means manners doesn't mean you're like nice nice andrew is her favorite son though yeah that's true that says something doesn't it that says something yeah i think do you know like when you're watching something like game of thrones and there's like one character who you actually think is quite funny and then you see them just like i don't know their carriage accidentally runs over some begging child and they're just like oh just just put him in the drain then yeah and it always serves to go oh no you you've only seen scenes with them like in court or in their sort of chamber um actually when it comes to interacting with their subjects in a brutal way they really just don't care so it could be that yeah it could be that i mean i think i think the last this i

think just to show us what she's really like i think this year's queen speech at christmas should be improv i think it should be improvised what so they should just be the queen i think it should just be her on a stage in buckingham palace and she goes give one a theme and someone just someone just someone shouts out um family and she goes, one's done that one. Legacy. Yes, I heard legacy. All right, give me a place of work.

McDonald's. I heard Buckingham Palace. All right. And then she has to improv the Queen's speech. I think that would be good good i think then we'd get we'd get a flavor of who she is as a person oh absolutely does she take it dark really quick does she yes and the queen the queen definitely yes and she's been trained by courtiers for decades to to yes and and to never step on anyone else's line.

Yeah, I mean, I guess she has spent her whole life saying, yes and what do you do? Yeah, she's handing the ball back to the other person, you know. She's great at improvising with lots of different... Any place that you mentioned, she's actually had to go open one. That's right. She's been to all the places. Yeah.

Someone goes, primary school. And, you know, then she's opened like a million of them. Yeah. I wonder if the Queen's... Apparently, when like Victory in Europe Day, before she was the Queen, she and her sister, I think, did go out and have a big party anonymously. No way! What, in like Soho?

Which they went and sort of joined in. Did they go to GAY? They went to GAY and then to heaven, I think, afterwards. And she didn't even skip the queue. That's good of her. That's good of of her it is good of her isn't it yeah the bouncer was like mom would you like to and she said no no no

no I'll stay here with all you other queens very nice thank you it was there it was there and at the end when she said that it was like yeah yeah everyone was yeah everyone was saying literally yes yes queen yes that is the queen or it will be

i've always wanted to to be in like a a massive crowded nightclub and then the dj just really loudly puts on the national anthem i just think it would be so funny what would people do i've i've i've been in a club in hong kong where that all basically happened oh no that's only this no that's got a real sinister edge to it in hong kong i was out in a nightclub in hong kong this must have been 20 16 17 something like that and um and we're all just dancing yeah yeah yeah dancing to music yeah yeah yeah yeah and then suddenly the music stopped and on all the screens came on the logo for the hong kong police department or you know hong kong police what and he just went everybody stay still this is uh what did they say and everyone please keep quiet and all the hong kong police came up and they started walking around asking for people's

ids and and there's a the guy one of the nightclub people just walked around with like a fun LED sign. You know those ones that the bands where the letters scan across? Oh yeah, yeah. But instead of saying like woo yeah party time, it said please be quiet. Just rolling along on LEDs, please be quiet.

And you all had to like sit and wait for like, we sat there for like an hour. What? It was just like a surprise raid i think at the time the police just didn't really have anything to do in hong kong an hour so they just walked around like and we just sat there being like and people start going hey what do you think this and someone go hey quiet please be quiet the police would just walk around just shiny torches in everyone's faces it was never clear what they were looking for and eventually they left and the dj said thank you everyone for your patience and then turned off the police logo and started the music again everyone just started dancing again what but but it was such a on such

a regular occurrence they obviously had the police department's logo pre-saved onto the system. Like a little JPEG right next to the button that goes, DJ, DJ! Yeah, they had the police logo button. It was like a screensaver that they had loaded for every time the police come to raid. You know what? I think it should be the law that the police can do that but they have to the music has to stay on and it has

to be police themed music and they have to dance while they check the ids yeah there has to be the theme to um miami hawaii 50 sorry yeah hawai like, bad boys, bad boys. You know, what you gonna do? And then the police are like really angry faces, like torching your face, checking your ID up against your face. But they're kind of like hips swaying, like... They have to kind of boogie through the crowd, and you can keep dancing as well. So it looks like they're almost kind of flirting with you a bit. That would be more impressive. That's absolutely terrifying, Phil.

That's like something from a dystopian movie. Yeah, it was quite a... It felt very Blade Runner. It's very Blade Runner. And as much as I'm sure that the Hong Kong police didn't have much to do, what they did clearly have time to do is just to harass dissidents. Revelers, Pierre. They're harassing revelers yeah but if you're in a nightclub you're not uh at home with your picture of uh fucking mao this was before the the real chinese crackdown though this is before

before maybe it was after the the first umbrella protest i think it was after that but it was before it really kicked off they've been they've been lubing up for a crackdown since 97 they love it they've been very gradually then it's all over and then i guess the hong kong police and you know the chief executive i mean this is how much hong kong is just one big bank the chief executive i mean this is how much hong kong is just one big bank yeah the head of hong kong is called the chief executive yes that is dystopian isn't it yeah it's it's the only sort of city state that is run by a ceo yeah we're just the the queen dressed in like a margaret thatcher power suit from the 80s just going I'm the CEO of Britain Like she's Alan Sugar That's what they should do for the next royal family

The queen should do The apprentice style reality show To find the next royal family Yes yes yes These families from around the world Are competing for the ultimate prize The crown of england and then all these sort of um sped up and then slowed down sort of uh

sort of shots of the queen going around the queen that she's like got her arms crossed and she's like looking down the camera yeah yeah yeah loads of loads of um passive shots while the queen's sort of going through their floors of various uh civilians like members of the public just sort of nervously licking their lips and nodding and saying thank you thank you your majesty thank you for the opportunity your majesty thank you for your majesty yeah i'd watch the hell out of that they could fund the royal family with it yeah and instead of saying you're fired she says off with your head and they go thank you for the opportunity imagine and then they just slowly walk into a gallows and they get their head cut off in front of us where you're hung from right what right? What's the place where you get the axe,

you get your head cut off with an axe? What is that called? The block, I suppose. The block, yeah. Guillotine was what I was thinking of, but it's not guillotine. It's a guillotine. Guillotine, gallows,

and I guess a sort of execution, like a platform, really. You climb a platform so the crowd can see you. Did we ever use a guillotine here? Or was it always manual? Was it always... Because we love manual cars. Did we also love manual beheadings with the block and an axe and the guy with a black hood?

It was always manual until it was hangings. Yeah, as far as I'm aware. Because the guillotine, I think, was invented because they were chopping off so many people's fucking heads in the Terror in France. In the Revolution well in the terror that followed the revolution so it's just like years and years of everyone just chopping off each other's heads in a big right kind of tit for tat head chopping party that went on for years well who so who was chopping whose heads in the terror well initially they chopped off all the minor aristocrats and army generals heads and then the new revolutionaries chopped off the heads of all the old revolutionaries and then that happened

again and then also just like some thieves and you know etc etc etc it's very funny to me when revolutionaries get revolutioned yes and it will happen it will happen. It will happen. The revolution will eat its children. Yes, delicious. So watch out, whoever takes over. Phil, we've got about 10 minutes left. Shall we do some correspondence? Yes, some quick correspondence. Letters, emails, phone calls, tweets, your sister,

and keep us free. Correspondence. correspondence we have a message from kristen kristen yeah um we're um firing away like a piston yes that's good yeah thank you thank you very nice um kristen says hi boys just a quick input from your fellow american in the uk um she says in terms of phone alerts i think they are linked to cell towers rather than people's phones so we were talking about the terrifying alerts that just come up on your phone yeah in america the amber alerts and yeah yeah when i was in la one came on for a fire it's like anyone in the los bluandos district get the hell out there's a fire get there and i was like jesus get the hell out and people looked at this everyone else in the cafe looked at it and just put the phone down again and just continue the conversations and then and then like two minutes later, everyone's phone went again.

Blah, blah, blah. And I looked at it, and the message said, Sorry, false alarm. Oh, God. Honestly, honestly. Like, even the false alarms make you want to shit your pants. So she says they link to cell towers. So if there's an emergency in your area all the phones get the

alert in the midwest slash south there are tornado sirens that used to practice the first tuesday of every month you can imagine my horror the first time i heard one in illinois being from california and immediately wondering what would happen if there was a real tornado on the first Tuesday of the month. Yes. Yeah. The boy who cried tornado. The boy who cried tornado. He kept saying a tornado ate the sheep. A tornado blew that sheep away and everyone said, I didn't hear a tornado.

And, you know, eventually when a real tornado came and blew everyone away, he felt really silly before he was sucked into the sky and killed. Does the boy who cried wolf does he survive when the wolf comes and eats everyone yeah i think the sheep just get all get eaten oh is it just a sheep that get eaten i thought the whole village got eaten i think it was the sheep and then it's like he has to be alive with the whole village when it's like there's now there's no livelihood I guess but then who's

at fault there is it the boy or is it the people it's the boy isn't it he exhausted everyone's trust he exhausted their trust and he will be hanged yeah that's that's in the deleted scenes of pretty much all the fairy

tales actually yeah every fairy tale ends with many of the protagonists being executed by the authorities of the day i mean genuinely a lot of fairy tales ends up with the child being killed horribly yeah i mean like child mortality was so high in those days it was probably just like and of course they're dead. And everyone was like, ah, yes. Everyone's like, yay. And of course they're dead, like many of you, just during the telling of this one story. So she says, Kristen says, blah, blah, blah.

So I believe the cell phone alerts are a modern replacement for such aged technology. In terms of Amber Alerts, in LA, when visiting my parents, we got one, and my brother's co-worker actually caught the culprit within, like, 11 minutes. Wow. What? Ah, this is a story I want to hear. So they do work.

How? How did this guy catch him? I guess the alert came up, and it was like, watch out for this guy. And his face came up and you know this guy's John Wick and just went and saw him how good was that description in the text well no it'll be a photo

well I got an ember alert once of like a kid had been abducted by his like dad or his you know his estranged father there was no picture maybe they just didn't have one. Yeah. Or it was. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe. And she says, as finally as an American having lived in Chicago for 10 years, I'm still tense when I hear what I think are gunshots, but they are inevitably fireworks for some sort of holiday I've never

heard of because the UK is way more diverse than most of America. With that said, never, never get in a knife fight someone always loses see west side story it's true yeah poor riff spoilers beep beep boop beep your american correspondent kristen um yes to be fair there are a lot of random fireworks in london sometimes it's diwali and you forgot sometimes it's guy forks but sometimes it's just weird kids it's just part of british life to be sat at home minding business and then you hear yeah and you go oh fuck what is it now yeah and already already again yeah or something like i remember once i looked out the window of my like i live in a flat

in a block of flats and i looked down into the sort of like the the bit of pedestrian area near but in between the blocks of flats and there was just like four random little kids just kind of going just like throwing firecrackers around yeah very powerful gremlin energy from them yeah very powerful gremlin energy from them and a quick uh well relatively quick message from amy amy amy uh she's not lamey she's not lamey no uh the subject liney. No. The subject line is turdapistry. Poo on the wall. Turdapistry. Turdapistry.

Murdermistry. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Very good. Very good. We almost completely lost the meaning there, which is what we like to do. Turdapistry. Turdapistry.

Yep. Dear Pierre's eyes and Phil's ears. That's correct. Amy here. I have a rather understated tale of poo to impart. There are no powerful projectiles or brown torrents, but it is a mystery that has been bugging me for some time that perhaps

the buds can help me solve. Would be our honour. A too shite problem to parody Sherlock Holmes. Yes, yes. Several weeks ago, I woke up in my bedroom with my boyfriend, David, at around 8am.

Sexy. After hearing someone else vacate the bathroom, I slipped out myself for a Sexy. That's very good. Peter Porcelain. Peter Porcelain is who you shout at to get you pictures of Spider-Man, isn't it? I want pictures of Peter Porcelain is who you shout at to get you pictures of Spider-Man, isn't it? I want pictures of Peter Porcelain. Get me pictures of Toilet Man. But what I found on entering the loo was a crime scene.

Oh, no. Someone had beaten her to it. Oh, yeah. The room. Imagine if she went in and she saw the scene And she was like Peter no Peter what have they done to you Peter But what I found on entering the loo Was a crime scene

The room smelt foul The odour oddly was strong and unpleasant But not the usual smell of shit one might experience when used to when forced to use a port-a-loo it was the ungodly stench of an unhealthy gut oh gosh she's right though that's a different smell isn't it it is different yeah yeah it's impressive really that we are equipped to tell the difference yes the human nose can sort of go well well, obviously all poo is bad, but that man's ill. The nose knows.

The nose knows. The perpetrator responsible for the smell was no mystery. I quickly deduced that my housemate's boyfriend, Stan, a fan of cigarettes and black coffee, had laid the offending turn. Well, if his name's Stan, he's probably a fan of cigarettes and black coffee had laid the offending his name stan he's probably found a lot of things thank you including m&m he stands cigarettes i has anyone ever said they stand cigarettes i stand smoking they probably yeah probably yeah yeah definitely they've probably found a way to turn smoking into some form of activism. I don't know.

I quickly did. You said that my housemate's boyfriend, Stan, a fan of cigarettes and black coffee, had laid the offending turd whose tendrils are now accosting my nostrils. That's a good... Accosting nostrils. Accosting nostrils. They are the Sicilian mafia. Accosting nostrils. Acosting nostrils. They are the Sicilian mafia. Acosting nostrils?

Yeah. Acostra nostril. Acosta nostril. I'm just off to Acosta nostril. What did perplex me was why there was a single, almost perfectly circular piece of shit stuck to the wall next to the toilet. Ah, like a black pudding.

Or like what you would give to a condemned pirate, I suppose. Black mark. This bathroom has been marked for death. On noticing it, I felt more a sense of weary acceptance than shock and horror, and decided to clean it off, lest someone mistake me for the bum bandit. Yeah. That's very good of her. First thing in the morning, too.

Mm-hmm. Let's get a- Don't even talk to me until I've wiped a puck of shit off the wall. Rise and shine! Let's go get that bread! Clean up that poop circle! But later later the questions started to nag. This fecal full stop was around the size of a cigar butt and looked almost pressed onto the wall at around hip height.

Hmm. Hmm. A cigar butt. Yes, it was almost black with a peat-like consistency and was situated next to the toilet roll dispenser just to the left of the loo. Hmm. Curiouser and curiouser. Stan, she continues, Stan may be many things, but a joker-esque fiend he is not. Hmm.

Not want to smush his gut cake onto the wall as a cruel prank. Oh my lord, gut cake is horrible. I applaud you, Kristen. No, this isn't Kristen, is it? Who is this now? Amy. Amy, that's it. I applaud you, Amy, for gut cake.

Because that is... It's so, like, on the surface benign, but together is really horrible. Yeah. Yeah, well done. Awign, but together is really horrible. Yeah. Yeah, well done. Awful. Well done. Really awful.

But how the hell does something like that happen accidentally? Yeah, no, this was premeditated. Well, so she continues, I talked it over with David and even showed him the spot where the miniature cowpat had been stuck. I hope you had drawn a little chalk circle around it. showed him the spot where the miniature cowpat had been stuck. I hope you had drawn a little chalk circle around it. Neither of us could fathom a way that the poo could have been transported from Stan's ass to the wall at any point of the usual toilet-going process.

As she continues, It was above ass height, so bum to wall while turning around to flush seems unlikely. Hand or toilet roll to wall? Well, then why weren't there skid marks? Gosh, this is interesting. if anybody has any ideas as to what could have happened i'd be enormously grateful because i'm stumped and honestly my opinion of stan has slid and we don't have the kind of relationship where i can casually ask him why he shat on the wall of the bathroom she no longer stands stan she don't stand stan till we figure out how stan managed to stand in such a way that he pooped on the wall gosh i wonder how that did happen i was yeah i was hoping amy would have um an answer or a theory a perfect a little circle it's a cold case it's a cold case

she says uh thanks in advance for any help i won't know peace until this turd up history is solved uh keep jacking at amy p s sp spelt like the word for urine. Very good. I just listened to the episode where you discussed the student Tuna Cunt and whether her amusing name will have made her a superstar or a shrinking violet. Amy says, definitely the former. She was the student union president of the university I attended and greeted even the least imaginative jokes about her name with good humor. Shout out to Tuna. Wow.

Very nice. What a coincidence. We've got some more emails down the line coming up that have something to do with Tuna Cunt. But back to the turdapish tree. Ha ha ha. We'll have more from Tuna Cunt after this. There'll be more from Tuna Cunt after this There'll be more from Tuna Cunt tomorrow night on Radio 4 Now, Nick Robinson looks into

Yes, the turd the turd of history is above head height so it can't just have been like his little anus just accidentally pressing a little stamp onto the wall as he turns around. Unless it got caught on his lower back. Yeah. Somehow.

But how would it get up there? I have a theory I've just formulated. Oh, yeah? Stan sits on the loo. He does his unhealthy poo, right? Yeah, yeah. He wipes his bum, but he gets shit finger. Yep.

Middle finger goes through. Yes. He gets a little blob on there. He doesn't notice because he's bleary. It's the morning. And it just kind of spoops onto the wall as he kind of blindly reaches for more loo roll. Yes, I think this is it.

I think that's it. Because it's significant of blindly reaches for more loo roll. Yes. I think this is it. I think that's it. Because it's significant that it's by the loo roll. And circle, that's an end of a finger for sure. I think you've got it. I think you've done it. By Jove, I think he solved this turd of history.

You're a regular kabumbo. Detective kabumbo. Detective Kabumbo. Puro. Puro was next on the list. Agatha Shitsy. Miss Blarple. Miss Blarple.

And what other detectives are there I guess it has to be with their name in the thing Midsomer Murders what's that guy's name Barnaby and Inspector look here look I've run out but essentially well done Pierre I think you've got it

well let's see if Amy is satisfied but that's all for now everyone we're off to the parlor of 221P Patreon street yes onto the bonus pod do subscribe to the Patreon to access the bonus pod where we have even spicier

convos than this. Also, quick plug. The show I went to America last July to film with Amy Schumer is now on Disney Plus in the UK. It's called Life and Beth. It's a really great

show. I'm in it for a couple of apps. Nice. So do check it out. Life and Beth on a couple of apps. Nice. So do check it out. Life and Beth on Disney+. Lovely. Lovely. Do I have anything to plug? I guess just the Patreon, really. And the Edinburgh Fringe and the various works and progresses.

I'll post them somewhere. Thank you, guys. All right. See you soon. Happy Jubilee. Happy Jubilee. Bye. Bye.