BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 170 - BudPod +2 *brrring!*

Episode Date: June 29, 2022

The lads talk being stuck on buses, shoes, the woods, rugby, brogue and gamification  Sketch: shoes! Correspondence from Tom the toilet paper guardian angel and Joe's bacon white factsLQ1LQa4vklvU8MQN5O2z Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 170! 170! That's pleventy! That's pleventy episodes. Pleventy of episodes. It's pleventy, if you ask me. Well, let me close my window, because there are planes. Yes. Amazing how audible they are. Even though they are up in the sky, Philip. They're so far up And yet I can hear them And yet you can hear them

I just quickly say thank you to all the pod buds Who came to my preview so far In 2 North Down in London In King's Cross And in Bill Murray as well Hello Koji And also the pod buds who saw me in Preston. I had to take a bunch of National Express coaches

on a 25-hour round trip, Phil, to do my preview. No, no. What? I'm cheating a bit. I guess really it's a 19-hour round trip. But yeah, that was my Saturday. Oh, because of the train strike yeah yeah the striky strikes um so i had to get up at six to be the guest one of the guest people the guest

person on frank skinner's radio show which is good fun um great and then that ended at 11 and then my national express coach left victoria coach Victoria coach station in London at noon and got into Manchester at about half past five, 20 past five. Oh, my. I want to be sick. I want to be sick. Five and a half hour coach. And I met up with comedian Eleanor Tiernan, who had landed there from a flight from Belfast. We rented a car from a stranger using an app.

And then she very kindly drove us to Preston, where we did the gig in a sort of tent. And then we had to drive back from Preston to Manchester and then dick around for about an hour before the midnight to 6.30 a.m. coach back. Yeah. Oh, yes. Wow. Yeah.

Pretty nuts. Oh, God. I feel like I'm talking to someone who's just given birth. Were you able to sleep on the coach back, the midnight coach? No. Because you're too big for the seat. Don't fit. Because you're too big for the seats.

Don't fit. I will say I'm too big for the seats on National Express, but I'm much less too big than for a plane. Okay, okay. So better than a flight of the equivalent length, but... Oh, wait, wait, wait. So the seats on the coach are bigger than the ones on the plane, is what you're saying?

Yeah. Yeah. And like the coach, I was ready for a scene from the apocalypse and it was sort of okay. The issues were... The issues were slightly too big for the seats, which is not great. And also loads of stops.

And every time they do a stop, a very loud announcement of where they were from the driver and all the lights going on like in a prison. Oh, fuck, of course. Yeah, because they have stops, don't they? Milton Keynes. Fuck me. Yeah.

And what was the mood like on the coach were people happy to be there were people going was it like a prison atmosphere people giving looks to each other like what do you what are you in for i think um i think there was a different vibe i would divide the passengers between people trying to get to london overnight for some reason because their lives are sort of hard, and people trying to get to one of the airport stops. Oh, my God. So there was sort of people who were like on the coach because it was for some reason the easiest way for them

to get to Luton Airport at 3 a.m. or Birmingham Airport at 5 a.m. or whatever the ungodly hour the stops were. I think it was Luton and Birmingham airports we stopped at. So they were sort of holiday makers who were sort of tired, but I guess optimistic about their trips. Everyone else was sort of, quite a lot of people making sort of hushed,

hushed phone calls in non-European languages. Oh, okay. Okay, one of those, yeah. Yeah, where it's sort of like, it's 1am and they still have a phone call to make. non-European languages oh okay okay one of those yeah where it's sort of like it's 1am and they still have a phone call to make that lasts at least 10 minutes

and it's quite sort of like it has a sort of tone of like no and make sure to remember to you know that sort of tone where you go oh this is like the sort of underside of the economy or something i'm in it's like all of us who have like weird lives due to whatever it is our origins or our

jobs and then holiday makers yeah that's the two groups i'd say and what is your day like after at 12 a.m to 6 a.m coach ride you, do you go to sleep and you wake up at 2? Do you just power on through to the next night? What do you do? My knees and my shoulders were surprisingly wrecked from trying to sleep at an angle. I got one of those neck pillow things and I just don't think I know

how to work it or it's too big or not big enough. You kind of clip it around your neck the big squishy thing. i go on a dose i go on a dose and i i i sort of flip i every time i can't decide on whether it makes it better or worse yes i've still i've still not figured out whether it's been i've had it for years and i still can't figure out whether it makes it easier or harder to sleep because like if i've got the padding sort of under my chin and i'm like leaning forward like i'm sleeping with my like head down like i'm praying then it's like the force of leaning on it clenches your jaw for you which is not relaxing it's just like a jaw clencher um so you're sleeping like someone who's trying to contain a spasm of rage, head down, jaw clenched.

You're sleeping like you're in a trap in Saw. Yes, yes. You're sleeping like someone who's being berated by a superior and you're about to flip out. Or you could sort of roll your head to the side but there's no real purchase there um it doesn't really work backwards yeah very hard to tell but yeah you're right get home at 7 a.m um knees and shoulders all weird from the coach and then yeah sleep till noon still feel mental for the rest of the day and then did a did a preview at two north sound that eve bloody hell it's a preview boy i'm the king of previews if you want to look

at something in advance you talk to me was the pre was the preston show good it was quite good it was um it's difficult because it was in a tent and it was still very much daylight so you could it was just like a sort of conference really where you could see everyone in hd it was like a farmer's conference yeah it was a yeah it was like a it was a nice tent though i will say this it wasn't just like a tent tent it was like a lot of money had been spent on it by some arts council funding or something it was all painted on the inside wooden boards and it was more like the sort of thing you set up for the month at the Fringe Not just like a gazebo

So it was like a Spiegeltent almost Very much in Spiegeltent territory Yes So I've been doing that And in fact, as we record now on Tuesday the 28th I have a preview tonight Downstairs at the King's Head in Crouch End Which, if you're listening to this, you've missed

I haven't been to the King's Head for so long it's one of my one of my original favorite rooms you filmed the thing there the king said my first ever uh special i made myself i put on youtube is their film that the king said soft is it my sophomore show i guess so my freshman freshman show sophomore the second year yeah yeah my freshman outing uh yeah and i still have it up on youtube i always think should i take it down because i'm much better now but i think it's quite nice to have this record of where where you've been where you've come from i don't think it's worth it's worth taking down like you say it's not like it's so it's like it's not like it's so bad or so strange it's worth taking down like you say it's not like it's so it's like it's not like it's so bad or so strange it's worth taking down i think it shows legacy shows progress

yours yours how about you man you've been in the woods i've been in the woods yes uh this past week i've been filming outsiders for dave in the woods along um hosted by David Mitchell alongside Fatiha Al-Ghori, Joe Wilkinson, Jessica Hines Darren Harriot and Maisie Adam a stupendous line-up of people and it was a really fun show I'll be coming out later this year on Dave so do keep your eyes peeled for it

it's very fun, we have to complete tasks in the woods and David Mitchell judges them and gives us badges based on our efforts. It's a really fun time. Do you get to keep the badges? We may have.

Maybe. I can't say too much at this point. But do you know what was the best thing was pierre was we somehow managed to time a tv show where you have to spend a week in the woods on exactly the same week as rail strike week oh yeah fucking i i i fucking smashed it i'm sorry to hear about your coach ride but i fucking smashed strike week yes you did oh man you went like a you were like a prepper yeah yeah i went into the woods to avoid the trappings of modern man yeah i.e sort of union action yeah you you you you were like a nervous prepper spooked into the woods

by the first sign of any sort of social disagreement. Especially union-based. I'm like a nervous industry fat cat. You know, like those old cartoons of a guy, a fat, sweating man with a black suit. Yeah, they're in white tie. On the back is written, he's got a punch cartoon subtitle on his back

that just says, industry. Yes. And I'm sweating and getting worried about the unions. And I'm so worried that I make a plan to flee into the woods whenever there's any industrial action. Yes, yes, yes. A sort of Victorian a of a libertarian i'm yeah i'm a capitalist bear grills i'm share grills

i'm share share grills that's what i am share shares grills it would be a good nickname for like a particularly adventurous investor shares grills all right shares grills would be a good nickname for a particularly adventurous investor. Shares grills. Alright, shares grills. We should sell that. We should sell banter to hedge fund managers. Imagine they're not that fun as people. They need help.

It's true. That's what corporates are, right? Pretty much. It's basically managers paying for banter. We're going to do it. Because they just can't do it. Yeah. For all your wealth and all your power,

you can't even muster up the smallest morsel of banter. Well, that's the whole thing people say about Elon Musk, isn't it? Is that he's the richest man in the world or close to it or whatever. And he's still like so tangibly what he wants is to be funny. Yeah.

Yeah, and he knows that the people who find him funny on Twitter are the lamest, most boring people in the world. Yeah, because they are not the funny people. If the funny people don't find you funny, you know that it's not working, whatever you're doing. You got to try harder, Elon.

No outsourcing yeah yeah you can't outsource your jokes I mean you can really you can pay for writers why doesn't he just pay for writers it's a pride thing

that's the fascinating thing about jokes and being funny no matter how rich a person is no matter how powerful they become everyone wants to be funny and if they can't be funny it's absolute torture and it drives people insane especially men especially men because men tie a lot more of their self-worth to being funny than women do yeah it's rare to find general yeah it's yeah definitely it's rare to find a guy at least in the anglophone world who's willing to admit that they have not got a sense of humor or that they're not that funny yeah i mean i've outright i've dated a a lady who outright said i don't have a sense of humor and I don't find jokes funny.

I don't understand jokes, he said. And she wasn't ashamed about it. It was just like, something about me you need to know. I don't like jokes. You know, like a German would say. Yeah, or a tyrannical despot. It's quite like something Joffrey would say, isn't it? Yeah.

I don't like jokes, mother. Do you remember that year in Edinburgh Fringe where the guy who played Joffrey was at the Fringe and just wandering about seeing shows and hanging out? Yeah, man. People were posing photos of them with Joffrey in the artist's bar and stuff. It was a wacky time. I passed him a cigarette lighter.

It was after he'd been killed. Did you? Yeah. It was just after he died as well in the show. Yeah, he was finally free. Everyone had watched him be poisoned to death and then he was just wandering about. Spoilers. Yeah. Spoilers. watched him be poisoned to death and then he was just wandering about spoilers yeah spoilers the actor himself didn't actually die i also wasn't expecting his thick northern irish accent yeah

so thick a very thick brogue what which accents can be described are allowed to be described as a brogue i've always associated it with the celtic ones yes i was about yeah i was just thinking that it has to be would you say a welsh brogue i guess yeah it's sort of it's irish and scottish really yeah i'd accept welsh but i would expect a particularly oh yes here we are here we are brogue is an in brogue is an informal term for a distinctive regional pronunciation especially an irish or sometimes Scottish accent. Well, well, well. Haven't the boys nailed it again?

Haven't the boys gotten out their hammers and nailed it again? Oh, yes. Love it when a plan comes together. First use of the term brogue originated in the 15th, 16th century to refer to an Irish accent by John Skelton.

Skelly! Old Skelly. It could come from because brogues are like shoes, or it could come from the Irish word brog, which means a hold on the tongue, or thus accent or speech impediment yeah i mean that's that that seems more likely than the shoe thing how i don't know how the you'd go from shoes to accents well brogue brogues are traditionally like highland and irish shoes like you wear brogues with your kilt, etc. Oh, I see, I see.

Yeah, I just don't know how that then goes to describe someone's accent as... Old shoe face over there. Yeah. Seems less... I guess a shoe has a tongue. Is that it? A shoe has a tongue, Phil. Or it should.

And don't let anyone tell you any different. Yeah, yeah. Are you a shoe guy? You got some nice... I'm starting to become more of a shoe guy, by which I mean I now buy more than one pair a year. I mean, maybe two pairs. And if I buy more than one pair of shoes a year, I start to feel like,

slow down here. All right, Sarah Jessica Parker, calm down. If I buy two pairs, I'm like, come on. i buy more than one pair of shoes a year i start to feel like slow down here all right sarah just sarah jessica parker calm down if i buy two pairs i'm like come on there's a phil k joke and he's even he's even further down uh this further along the spectrum than i am he has a joke where he says he doesn't understand how people can go into a shoe shop to buy shoes wearing a pair of shoes oh yes i yeah see that's i mean you you and i are very similar in that regard and i can empathize with that i'm the same way like more than one new pair of shoes a year and it's like what you're planning some kind of uh some kind of party or you going to run a million miles?

But there is something fantastic about the feeling of new shoes. And I know this is hardly virgin ground, but there's something about getting in a fresh pair of shoes that fit you just right. Yes, that is true. Yum. This episode is brought to you by shoes. This episode is brought to you by the concept of shoes. It's kind of pathetic that we need shoes, isn't it?

Yeah, I mean... Why do we need shoes? Did you spend much of your childhood barefoot? I certainly did in South Africa. Yeah, running around the house, the cool tile floors, and out in the wet grass in the after. It's not the aftermath. Soaking up the petrichor.

That's it. The petrichor after a monsoon shower. But nowhere further than that, because then there's pebbles, there's bugs, there's stingers. I guess it's different in a bit more jungly place, whereas it was very arid where we were, and you would develop, like, you develop, like, over the whole summer, these, like, hobbit feet. You just never wear socks for, like, months.

Wow, really? Yeah, and you'd end up with these, like, these impenetrable hobbit feet that you could sort of walk over pebbles and stones much more easily because you didn't have the soft virgin souls of a I mean I guess that's how we're supposed to be isn't it? Yeah that's the original

That's how they're supposed to be. That's the OG way to walk around Phil But why is I don't understand the parts of the body, the features of the human body that sort of require that kind of sort of wetting I suppose.

The constant use instead of maintaining them. I get it. I say that, although it does apply to everything. Like, astronauts get muscle atrophy. Yeah. And if you don't use your bones, they do get weaker. No, you're right. Actually, no, I take that back. Calluses on the hands, I was going to say.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, I experienced that with guitar playinguses on the hands, I was going to say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, I experienced that with guitar playing. When I picked up the guitar and learned a bit, my hands, it was really, really difficult until my hands got callus-y and then suddenly I could play better. And then I stopped and now they're soft as a princess buttock. And I can't play anymore now.

Soft as a bourbon's limp handshake. I mean, I told you when I went to get a pedicure at a Korean place in Melbourne and the lady refused to pumice my feet because my skin was too soft and she would draw blood. Oh. She basically said,

I'm sorry, sir, your life has been too easy. I can't do this. There is no trauma for me to scrape off. Your feet, they are, how you say, so weak and delicate that they would be wounded by a health spa treatment they would be wounded by something designed to help them that's how soft they have become like mr burns if you got a massage he'd just die wow

if I pumice these you'll bleed good lord what's left to do then for your feet I guess they just sort of breathe on them yeah dry clean they have to be dry cleaned. Yes.

Pressed. Pressed. They should be put on a delicate wash, I guess, in the machine. Hand dry. Drip dry feet. It's becoming fashionable again, Phil, to have a crease in your feet. It's been a while. How was your week, though?

Were we able to survive the rail strikes? I think just about. I've mostly just been little Jimmy previews. If I've forgotten any... Let me look back through the week. There's been that many. I did a gig in a car park with a dog. That was good.

Was the dog comparing the ladies and gentlemen please welcome i've worked with this next day a whole bunch of times he's a good friend of mine he's very funny he's a very good boy the big audience of dogs all like you know when they stand on their hind legs and try to clap like their hands go together and that kind of praying thing what would the dogs

do they'd howl I guess or just like bark their applause yeah they'd wag just like put your tails together for your first act yeah so that dog was emceeing it was all very good it was in a kind of artsy fartsy kind of um is that ludos anyone who lives near wood green in north london i recommend figuring out if you can still get a ludos l- L-U-D-O.

It's that hipstery thing where they make a little bit of waste ground and then it's got some cool shops where you can trade clothes and also get something knit. And there's a bar but it's on an old bus. Oh, nice. Yeah, very cool. Oh, an old bus. I think I've been there, you know.

You might have done the gig. Yes, there's a gig there.. You might have done the gig. Yes, there's a gig there. Yes, yes, yes. I have done the gig there once. Luckily for me, it was in the car park-y bit that it's all in. And it wasn't on the bus as it was originally scheduled to be because I do not fit on that bus. I cannot stand up straight on that bus.

Wow, really? That's literally the reason they had to put you outside? I don't know. I don't know. I hope they didn't say that but maybe they just thought this guy's gonna break his neck just standing with his head at 90 degrees yeah i've done the yeah i've done the gig on bus a couple of times and it happens more often than you think folks yeah and i have to do the whole thing like quasimodo basically yeah i well i said to the audience i was glad it wasn't on the bus because i'd have to do the whole thing like Quasimodo basically yeah well I said to the audience I was glad

it wasn't on the bus because I'd have to do the whole gig leaning forward with my hands on my knees like an excited dad like I was trying to G up a dog or a kid like yeah yeah you ready to go for the it's just quite a creepy vibe I think to hold that position for up to 10 minutes at a time it's just quite a creepy vibe, I think, to hold that position for up to 10 minutes at a time.

It's unsettling. Yeah. Where's the weirdest place you've ever done a gig, Phil? Well, yesterday I did a gig in a field in rugby, which I found out upon arrival was literally in the rugby school oh shit yeah so it was hosted in the field of rugby school but like people from rugby town were also there yeah uh but it was it was funny because it's the actual school where rugby the sport was invented yes the name rugby football yeah yeah 200 years. 200 years ago, whatever some, and I called him this on stage,

precocious little twat picked up a ball and ran with it. And I said, I said it was rugby is a sport that could only have been invented by a public school boy in any other case, any other kind of school. The other kids were just beaten him to death but because he's a public school boy he just kept on with it and i said it's very much the boris johnson playbook where if you break the rules once you're in trouble but if you just

keep breaking the rules they just become the rules yes yeah that's exactly right that's all rugby is yeah that's what rugby is yeah yeah they just went that's a big lesson from a lot of of private schools which is if you're going to break the rules and you do it creatively enough we will let you get away with it or if you just yeah if you break the rules and refuse to admit wrongdoing yeah you know what fair play yeah yeah we'll build an entire sport for you yeah we're gonna name a sport after you oh that was okay that's pretty good i think but it's a good show really nice show and um there were a lot of like um the students there

and it's um it's it's strange yeah it's strange performing to 15 to 18-year-olds. Yeah. It's very interesting. So much stuff they just don't relate to or get yet. Because they are on the surface adults, but there's nothing... I've got a big bit about buying furniture. And I just thought, man, I've changed. There's nothing here for these kids.

You just look into their eyes and you know that they, you're like someone doing a whole routine about mortgage rates to them. It's just so far from their experience. I was given, before the show, a couple of the acts, we were given a, because I kept asking, we were given a little tour of the house. And it's such a beautiful school, the school.

And like everyone has their own study. Oh. To study in. And I said this on stage as well. The head of house at one point sort of said quite so seriously, it can be tough on the kids because the teachers here, the curriculum is very demanding. And I got so excited. I was like, I wanted

to start. I was like, a demanding curriculum, please, yes, let me in, let me in, let me in. And I saw like those blue Ryman folders with maths, Mr. Fleberjebel on them, whatever. And that got me so excited. Like, tattered fat folders.

Just got me excited. Full of knowledge, Phil. Full of knowledge, yeah. Did you get all those that... Because that's something that is missing from comedy or from... Not all adult careers, but a lot, is like, definitively doing well with a number on a task.

Yeah, I do miss that. I miss it terribly. And it's why in my adulthood, with all its complexities and nuances and difficult decisions, I love doing things like washing up, laundry, tidying, banking, because it's just definite it's just definite tasks with definite answers and a definite end that's true i just what i wish is that um i got a series of uh tiny medals for doing laundry like in a game and i could somehow level up my laundry skills

i i like but gamification is so powerful i yesterday i've started when i use ways the the the navigation app yeah to drive around sometimes you'll say like stopped car coming up in how many meters and then one when you approach it an option comes up for you to say for you to tap and say that's still there or it's not there anymore and i'll tap still there if it's still there and you get this little blue gem whoa pops up really and a plus two a little plus two i don't even know what it's plus two of but i'm so excited when i get the plus's plus two of, but I'm, I'm so excited when I get the plus two. Plus two? Plus two.

Well, that's good, right? And a gem? Plus, plus two blue. I like blue. And I like plus two.

That felt good. And then if there's another stop coming, oh, it's still there. It's still there. Waze is still there. And I click and it's plus two. And I feel all giddy inside.

Plus two. Oh God, that's better than minus two. And it's plus two and i feel all giddy inside plus two oh god that's better than minus two and it's better than nothing i like plus two it's pathetic i'm pathetic it's i'm a stupid little lizard all of our rat brains that's what it is yeah all i want is to do the laundry for the 10th time and for the noise to go bring and then oh imagine my kingdom for a bring yeah my kingdom for a little bring and a plus two i do the laundry i get a plus two and a gem and i can choose a laundry machine that has a sort of purple glow level two laundry machine unlocked

oh god it feels good shall we gamify some correspondence Level two laundry machine unlocked. Oh god, it feels good. Shall we gamify some correspondence? Oh yes. Plus two correspondence. Alan! Alan! Alan! Alan! Oh, God. I can't help but notice, Alan, that you've...

Your feet. Yes. Well, look at them. I mean, they're perfect. Pristine. I can see my face in the toenails. Yes. Well, I mean... I mean, how? All of our feet are bleeding, calloused, bloody stumps in some cases.

And look at you, standing there like... like a god. And your point is? Well, how do you do it, Alan? What's your secret? I'll never tell. What he doesn't know is that I'm wearing a brand new pair of... shoes!

Yes, shoes! Made from leather, meat, wood, bark, thick grasses, woven of course, bamboo, metal, anything really that's harder than the average human foot. Make a little canoe shape. If a canoe only had, was facing one way you don't need any back I guess you could make a whole thing and you put your foot in it and walk on that and not on your foot

no more bloody stumps disclaimer if you already have a pair of bloody stumps adding a pair of shoes will not make your feet regrow you will still have a pair of bloody stumps shoes are available nationwide from Wednesday.

As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors, like high blood pressure developed during pregnancy, which can put us two times more at risk of heart disease or stroke. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca uh tom gets in touch Tom You're the bomb I've probably done that before but It's what you got You're the bomb Tom

Um Tom uh Tom sort of bumped his His message Now I'm worrying that we've done Tom before But we can't have can we Let me scroll down Now I'm worrying that we've done Tom before. But we can't have, can we? Let me scroll down through the Patreon to make sure that I'm not insane.

I don't think we have. Okay. Let's see. Let's see. So Tom says, puddle of bod. Puddle of bod. I don't think I remember Tom says, Puddle of Bod. Puddle of Bod. I don't think I remember this. Pud, yeah, Puddle of Bod. I don't think we've done that.

A small tale I've been meaning to send you for some time. I hope it brings a small slice of levity to your day. Around two years ago, I started my current job. Working in an office for the first time, I slowly became used to knowing, whilst not actually knowing, my colleagues. Hmm. It's true, it's a strange dynamic. Yes,. It's true it's a strange dynamic.

It is a strange dynamic, but an important one. The country's built on it. The British Empire was built on those relationships. I work in social care and my office in particular, as I'm sure many in the field are, has a male to female worker ratio of 1

to 10. Wow, that big. I mean, I knew it'd be female heavy, but not that much. Yeah, makes sense. I'm a male. Thank you, Tom. And with around 40 or so total people on our floor, I can safely say that

I'm at least familiar with the anonymous gentleman whose life I saved this day. Ah. High odds this day. Ah. High odds, yeah. Wow. Life I saved. This is intriguing. So there's a one in four or one in three chance

he knows who the guy is. Wait, say that again. I've lost track of that. So the ratio is one to ten, and there's about 40 people on the floor. Yeah. Oh, right, right, right, right. So there's four fellas. Yeah, and there's about 40 people on the floor. Yeah. Oh, right, right, right, right. So there's four fellas.

Yeah, and he's one of them, so it's probably one in three, I guess. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Okay. So he says, around two months into my job, I went to the bathroom to sit smugly in the comfort that I was getting paid to void my bowels. That's a lovely feeling. They pay me to shit here. I do the accounting for free.

They pay me to shit. Any work I get done is a bonus as far as they're concerned. I entered. Do you think people who do get paid to shit By fetishists are like Always do your taxes while you're shitting Then they're paying you to do your taxes I entered the first of the two cubicles

In the bathroom and prior to making myself comfortable I checked the dispenser for loo roll For you see This is not my first pudio Nice There was no loo roll, and so I sauntered into the neighboring cubicle.

Crisis averted. Crisis averted. Plus two. Plus two. After a few minutes of sitting peacefully, another one of the four men of the floor entered the bathroom and proceeded into the first cubicle. Yes.

He then made himself comfortable. I'm not sure... Uh-oh. Yeah. I'm not sure when it was that the song Hero by Chad Kroger from Sam Raimi's first Spider-Man started playing in my head, but the chorus came around quickly. Oh, fuck.

I remember that song. And they say that a hero can save us not gonna stand here so that's in his head oh god i can't believe i remember this song yeah good work hold on to the wings of the ego yeah fly away wow how many times did i hear that song in 2000 whenever the fuck that i can still remember the the tune and lyrics now a man with famously bad memory yeah wow really bad oh they play that song so much yeah and uh it's in the ah good flashback oh that's a nice that's a fun there you go flashback nice little taste of the past there and also i've always fun any song in that kind of slightly metallica voice yes yeah yeah very uh noughties pop punk and and sort of pop like pop metal creed do you remember creed yes uh what did police come left i think'm falling. I'm holding on to all I think is safe.

I didn't realize at the time they were a Christian band. Yeah, sneaky, the word creed, like that. Yeah. The whole song was about Jesus. Yeah. I felt a bit cheated, but it's a lovely song. It's a shame because I think the only reason we feel cheated is because we just get told how great Jesus is so much growing up.

You just go, I know. I know. Whereas when it's used to refer to Spider-Man, yeah, well, there we go. A new hero. I don't think, yeah. Yeah, I don't think Creed ever did a song for Spider-Man. It would be lovely if they did.

It would be very funny to do a sort of Christian Spider-Man where he is still Spider-Man, but it's thanks to some sort of blessing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They praise Spider-Man, but at the same time warn the listeners not so much as to make him a false idol. Yeah.

Spider-Man is only Spider-Man. Beware the false idols. He's powerful, but he's not God. Spider-Man, Spider-Man. God-like power, but he's a man. Cast a web anytime, but just remember he's not divine. He is. He's still but a man. casts a web anytime but just remember he's not divine he is he's still butter man

oh that's great thank you Christian Christian superhero Christian Spider-Man I realize that we're quite far into the pod and we haven't pointed out the fact that America is now being run by Christian Spider-Man

and they've banned abortion oh fuck yeah big news pod and we haven't pointed out the fact that america is now being run by christian spider-man and they've banned abortion oh fuck yeah big news oh yeah we haven't yeah gosh sorry to interrupt your email tom but that's uh just i guess just a short sidebar to say that's fucking insane and terrifying it's mad and it's like god it's yeah how how are we how are we going backwards like this yeah very very taliban vibes coming from the supreme court yeah no good well well back to tom's uh hero moment there might be something for the mummies might be something spicy enough for the bonus part yes that's true in the v area, we'll get into it. But so Tom, right, Tom's got your hero, that's playing in his head.

Yeah. I heard a scratching of fingernails in the metal loo roll dispenser and I knew my time had come. Yeah. I proceeded to take loo roll from my own well-stocked supply and send it over the adjoining cubicle wall.

Like a friendly ghost floating over, like Casper's coming down. Yeah, spiraling down. And I decided to send it over the adjoining cubicle wall, raining down upon my friend like a gift from heaven itself. Haha, oh, cheers, mate, came the relieved voice from his stall. Haha, oh, cheers, mate. Haha. Haha.

Oh, cheers, mate. A clearly very relieved, but still residually nervous. Haha. Haha, oh still residually nervous, ha-ha. Ha-ha, oh, cheers, mate, came the relieved voice from his stall. I said nothing. My... Which is funny.

I said nothing. My inner voice, however, spoke very loudly, and it said, keep going. Just keep giving him loo roll. And so through small yelps of, thanks, mate, that's enough. Cheers. I'm good.

Yep. Cheers, Lee Lee I'm fine now You want loo roll I'll give you loo roll That's a funny character Give you all the loo roll in the world So he's going cheers yep fine thanks He says I continue to let fly gentle birds With two ply wings without making a hoot so these are individual these aren't a role right so he's dealing them like cards he's going like yeah so yes he's making it rain. Yeah. I like that. I continue to let fly gentle birds with two-ply wings without making a hoot. That's nice.

That's a nice sentence. The image of a man being shocked, then scared, then relieved, then utterly confused as he wipes in a hailstorm of loo roll provides me with great joy. provides me with great joy. The gentleman exited the bathroom before I left my cubicle, and thus I now joyously live in the knowledge that whenever I speak to a male colleague, there is a high possibility that I have showered him in toilet paper. And as he looks at me,

knowing there is also at least a one in three chance that I was his savior or tormentor on the fateful day. That's fun. See, people say that men don't look out for each other the way women look out for each other, but it's not true. Sometimes we will silently shower another with toilet

paper in the time of need. All the best. Keep on keeping on and keep jacking it or don't, I'm not your boss From Tom Thanks Tom Thank you Tom Thank you Tom for the story about your bomb Thanks Tom for your note about your bomb

Let's see Do we have another quick A? This one is a bit of a big A Let me see Ooh, this is the thing Oh, here we go Quickie, if you remember a while back A while back

We were discussing the horror of Bacon White Oh yeah, yuck The horror of little white globules that appear when you cook bacon Yes So Joe gets in touch Joe Let's go Let's keep on with the flow

Joe with the flow Joe says hey pud buds Or pud buds with a u Oh nice yeah Pud buds Like wheat puddings You only get bacon white from bacon that's been water cured Basically filled out with water

Why have they done that um i think it keeps for longer and also it makes it like way more so that's where you get like with added water or without added water on the back of bacon and that's why bacon shrinks if it's if it's not the fancy bacon i see yeah so it's a way of making you pay more for less bacon Is that right? Right, that's exactly it Why I order Yes, basically fill that with water

The water comes out of the bacon when it cooks And some mixes with the water Some what? Some fat, maybe? I don't know To create a smegmine emulsion. Smegmine is good. That's a perfect word. What a great word. Horrible. Smegmine emulsion.

Yeah. Smegmine emulsion's got to be the name of some kind of horrifying black metal band. Yeah, I was just thinking it's a good band name. Or even for backing singers, Philang and the smeg mine emotion and they're all wearing white ladies and gentlemen it's phil wang and a smeg mine emotion Bacon white Oh I love you So bacon white

You know that moment in those old recordings When the audience cotton song That's the song they know Yes Like bacon white And then it dies down a bit I love you so bacon white. And then it dies down a bit. I love you so bacon white. And it's, yeah, Phil Wang and his smeg mine emulsion, hyphen, bacon white, brackets, live at Las Vegas, 1967, close brackets.

Remastered. Remastered 1998. 1967, close brackets. Remastered. Remastered 1998. Bacon white. So he says, yes, it creates a smegmine emulsion. If go to the butchers and get fancy bacon You won't have that And he finishes with

Not very funny but now you know Koji That is good knowledge It's good shit I had noticed on the rare occasions where I treat myself To a taste the difference Bacon par exemplar Or finest

Yes very little bacon white and very little shrinkage yes yes yes and they look more sort of like um what's a thin italian ham like is it pancetta it's not pancetta parma but they look a bit more like just thin dried a bit darker yes yes there's some darker meat substance to them. Well, now it's time to scrape off your bacon white and get into the VIP area, Phil. Yes, where

we'll be tackling topics a little too spicy for the general, the free episode. So if you want to listen in on these spicy, spicy peppery conversations do join our patreon to get access to all the bonus spots which are fun they're good promise they're good stuff i like them i think they're very good the listeners had a little taste of

them last week that's right yes while i was in the woods a A little sippy sip. With a long beard. Scrabbling through the brush. Digging up Krugerrands. Yeah, eating slugs and worms and being glad of it. Well, there's none of that in the VIP. So let's go there. And thank you for listening, guys. Thank you for coming to all the previews.

If you want to come to any other previews, I've posted them on a picture of my face on my Instagram. Yes, London, this week I am headlining a show at the excellent Moth Club on Thursday

in Hackney. And then on Saturday I'm doing a preview of my show at the ARG Comedy Festival In Shoreditch Lovely So look that up

ARG Comedy Festival I'll be at ARG on Sunday night But it's all Fabulous Gravy baby It's a really really brilliant Two day comedy festival In London

Highly recommended And it's back for First time in like two years Which is nice Yeah So do come along Yeah Let's do it

Okay Bye Alright Alright bye bye Bye