BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 172 - Goodbye, Yellow Pr*ck Toad

Episode Date: July 13, 2022

Apologies for slight robot echo for Phil!Boris is gone and the lads chat RPG games! Novak is a virus puppet. Correspondence from Holly and her statues, Victoria and her Oslo flatmate's mishapsSketch is Phil's bat-combatting Tory leadership speech Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's BudPod 172. 172, it's just a flu. That's right. After two years of a clean sheet, after defying science for two and a half years, I have finally succumbed to the world's favorite coronavirus.

Yep. SARS-CoV-2. COVID-2019. I finally got it, Pierre. SARS-CoV-2. This time it's personal. You've got it, Phil. You did it.

I finally did it. After all this time, I at once feel like I'm finally on board with something everyone's been doing. But I'm also extremely embarrassed. I'm so embarrassed. You've finally started watching The Sopranos. And you're embarrassed because of how much you want to talk about it to people who are over it. It really does feel that way. It really does.

I've been saying to people, oh, I can't taste. The two lines, I got two lines. Everyone's just like, yeah, whatever, man. Everyone's like, uh-huh. Yeah, it's astonishing how different a world it is now. I mean, I'm still at home. I'm still sort of self-quarantining even though in the eyes of

joe law i can go about my day really which is crazy yeah um crazy to think now phil i lost my taste smell for a long time how have you been coping meal and drink wise what have you have you been taking advantage or have you been trying to not freak your body out take advantage of not tasting by not eating no no by eating like whatever like like blander healthier foods like in the sense that like if you can't taste you may as well just eat broccoli and have like a fucking great few days i guess i already eat a lot of broccoli i'm broccoli is like my main veg so i eat a lot of broccoli um i yeah the first day the first day i i the taste and smell went over like two hours in the afternoon it just went and then i couldn't taste anything or smell anything at all

um and it was quite peculiar because i mean you're mean, even when you get a cold, you lose a bit of your smell and your taste. But this was like a beefed up version. That's more due to sort of clogging, though. Like it feels like it's because there's stuff in the way, whereas this is just like a light switch. Like this is off. Oh, sorry, I nudged it with my elbow. I turned off the taste and smell.

Yeah, it's quite surreal. But I've been taking your advice and advice of another pal nudged it with my elbow i turned off the taste and smell yeah yeah it's quite surreal but um i've i've been taking your advice and advice of a another pal who was saying to keep keep sniffing stuff keep training your nose and i fortunately i have a jar of very pungent malaysian chili that i've been sniffing and that has been coming through when when i lose smell of that that's when all is lost because it's pungent keep on sniff's keep on sniffing so i've been sniffing and today i got lemon back my first day i couldn't smell my lemon but now i can smell lemon again a little bit it's weird it's like it's like the ghost of a smell yes it's it's it's so subtle it's like it's very yeah it's like you're smelling a lemon but it's very far away

it's a very far away lemon you're in one of those American teen films and you've broken into the shuttered large house in the overgrown field and as you're walking through its dusty rooms

abandoned rooms you see lots of portraits on the walls of the lemon family that used to live there. And what's that on your nose? It couldn't be, could it? Is that a ghost? Yes, yes, yes.

I like the idea of you sitting and going, I can't even taste this broccoli. I can't even taste this delicious broccoli. What's the point of eating broccoli if I can't taste it what's the point of being alive if I can't enjoy this slightly stinky vegetable I absolutely love broccoli that's one thing when I was growing up

that's one that's the one issue over which me and cartoons and children's television really had to depart. Was broccoli was the go-to gross vegetable. And I didn't understand that at all because broccoli is delicious. Well, Phil, what's that movie called where everyone's got little dudes in their head and there's like an angry one and a sad one and whatever? Inside Out? Uh-huh.

I think it was Inside Out. For the Japanese release, there's a bit where like the baby is sitting in a high chair and he doesn't want to eat his broccoli and they changed the cgi for that exact reason in japan to green pepper which is much more the stereotypical vegetable apparently in japan that kids don't like oh interesting because they're like right right because they wouldn't have not worked yeah yeah right yeah yeah how funny do you know the broccoli is not a naturally occurring vegetable oh i do i'm sure we've talked have we not talked about this have we spoke about it on here maybe we did

and are they related to the broccolis who own james bond yes so the broccolis the broccoli family that owns the james bond are the same broccolis who invented broccoli uh i believe they are related of the same branch they're florets on the same stalk if you will very good very good very good covid might have dulled my taste buds but it hasn't dulled Pierre's wit well this is this is a thing you're saying Pierre when you lost your

because you got you got covid like patch 1.0 I got the alpha version of covid original recipe colonels COVID yeah untested unfiltered uncensored COVID and your

loss of your COVID the poster of your COVID has a big red banner over its crotch that says uncensored and the guy from American Pie doing a shocked face behind it yes yeah yeah with this big eyebrows. Oh, it looks like we got some COVID there, son.

That's completely natural. He just says all the things like that. Yeah, so when you lost your taste and smell, it was a big deal and it was for ages and everything tasted like petrol, you said. Yeah, as it was two two weeks two and a half weeks and as it was coming back everything sort of smelt like burning plastic tasted like burning plastic petroly chemical smell and that lasted uh tapered off but it to taper off it took about

five months six months something like that whereas i'm avoiding that already you've already got ghost lemons i'm already tasting the ghost of lemons yeah which must you know it's because I'm all vaxxed up it's the power of science I've been prodded and poked more than an average

lab monkey you hear that Novak Djokovic he so Novak Djokovic? So Novak Djokovic has won his 21st Grand Slam title at Wimbledon, which is frustrating because a fair play, but also it will just further convince him of his need not to get a vaccine. Do you think we're all being tricked and because he never has any vaccines,

he's so full of viruses that actually the viruses have won the tennis and he's long dead. Ah. It's like a sort of Novak Djokovic's hollow host body. So he's like a cordycep, like those insects that get taken over by the fun the fungus yeah yeah yeah that's that's why he's got such long hair there's a little mushroom under there it's a little mushroom of a combination of covid measles rubella all the classic vaccines

checker parks some of the new guys they're all working together like inside him is like hundreds of little like smurfs like yanking on strings and making him play tennis it's like ratatouille from the inside it's horrible and if he ever was to get vaccinated they would see the vaccine flowing at them like a great wave and they'd have to run away like yeah and as it hit their little smurf bodies their flesh would just melt off some skeleton like you'd see their skull it'd be really horrible that would be the moment where the movie really turns and then novak djokovic's body just just like a sock it's just empty and it's like no on the tennis court it's like when they kill

obi-wan with darth vader like it's just his clothes well just tennis whites just flop to the ground empty yeah and then whoever he's playing against nadal like sweeps his tennis racket through him and then just like like when the lightsaber goes through Obi-Wan Kenobi. Yeah. So basically that's going to happen if he gets vaccinated. So it's fair enough that the collection of viruses that use Novak Djokovic as a host are worried about that. As they well should be. As they well should be. Yeah.

Because there goes Grand Slam number 22. Yeah. If they do get vaccinated. He must get bored. Of winning tennis. I mean, I don't think you get bored of winning your first five Grand Slams. But 22? There's got to be a point where he just gets them confused. I think you and I do not understand the mindset

of the competitive sportsman these people are sick i think inside every competitive sportsman who plays an individual sports team sports it's a bit different because you're always diluted but i think any individual competitive sportsman is basically, internally, I imagine them as basically like Homelander from The Boys. Or like Dennis from Always Sunny, you know, I'm a god! I deserve victory! Like insane. Like gritted teeth, quivering eyes, staring, just blah. Bulk.

That's it, you know. They have to be. to be yeah yeah it's true also i guess in tennis you really do have to stay at the top if you're if you're premier league level footballer you can be sort of journeyman yeah premier league footballer and be very very rich but tennis the drop-off of earnings is crazy the so it's maybe the top five or something tennis players are millionaires but then earnings just fall off a cliff once you once you pass a certain point and you can be a world-class tennis player and you're still like giving lessons and doing um you're doing odd jobs just to make ends meet like There's very little money in it unless you are Novak Djokovic, really. Well, that's it.

It would always be mad to meet the 300th best tennis player in the world. That's incredible, but also... Who? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stand-up comedy in America seems the same way. It's a bit more equal over here, but in America it just seems like

you get paid in nachos until suddenly you get two thousand dollars a night closing and a share of merchandise yeah yeah it really is all or nothing yeah crazy um phil speaking of fuzzy little yellow balls uh uh getting smacked uh boris johnson has gone, Philip. I was wondering where you're going with that. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I can't believe that that's happened since the last episode, because it feels like... Isn't that insane? It feels like weeks ago that he resigned.

It feels like eight months. It feels like pre-COVID somehow. Yeah, I mean, really extraordinary. Do not expect him to ever go and even in his resignation speech he well technically it wasn't a resignation speech because at no point did he say i resigned he basically said everyone's being really mean to me actually and they won't let they won't leave me alone they won't let me have fun so fine good for you enjoy but at no point does he actually go i quit yeah and he did those really

big slow winks and double finger guns he didn't seem as upset um as i think everyone wanted him to i wonder if that's because he knows everyone wants him to look upset. Yeah, it's like trying to make Joffrey upset. It's not going to happen. Part of why he's Joffrey. You heard it here first, folks. He's coming back. I bet you my life he's coming back.

He's not even said he's going to resign as an MP. You think he's going to try and Churchill it? I think he's going to Churchill it. He's going to be back in five years or try to certainly he will try to come back. I think he what he's done is he's semi resigned during an incredibly awful period, e.g. like COVID recovery still fucked Brexit's about to unravel again war in Ukraine and cost of living crisis and energy crisis and he's just gone

basically he's been like flying a plane into a mountain of shit and someone's gone no I'm taking the wheel and he's just gone oh I guess if you want to fly the plane into the pile of shit well and sort of slowly putting on a parachute, oh it pains me to say it but

yeah, see you on the other side of the mountain I'll get a train, well good luck I guess I'll just have to fly the plane again if it somehow crashes anyway but just immediately he's just out the door parachute, he's just gonna go away and make, you know what, I mean one to five

million pounds immediately just from speaking engagements but then but but then why did he want to hold on this long you know there are plenty of opportunities and it's been shitty to be in charge of the country for a while now why why oh yeah he still had his hand forced is it just a pride thing is he just a psycho it's a pride thing and also like just a psycho? It's a pride thing. And also, even if it's shitty and it's a mess, it's still your mess. And he'd still rather it be his mess than anyone else's triumph. Way more.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I guess his worst nightmare is for someone to take over and instantly everything becomes great. Yeah, someone just takes over and immediately proposes a lot of sensible things that actually get done. I mean, that would be hell, wouldn't it? I just want the most boring motherfucker to win, please. I just want some boring Tom Tugendhat-ass motherfucker to just bore us all to death. I'd love that. What's amazing is that because they're having to be mental

because of how mental things have been, none of them can say they're against any of how mental everything is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they've all got to pretend to be pro-Brexit still even in 2022. They've all got to pretend to be pro-Brexit. They've all...

And they're all promising to cut taxes, even though the state has no money. Yeah, and the Rwanda shit as well. They're all having to be like, yep, great plan, always liked it. Yeah, yeah. I thought the whole Rwanda thing had been abandoned already. No, no, no.

It's still like an official policy. It's just that they can't make it work legally. But it was never really about that right right right i think they managed to send like in the end four people or something out of the 18 they managed to rustle up but they're working on it they're going to find a way of making that horrifying plan more quote unquote effective yeah yeah and of course it is very cheap to fight 10 year long legal battles to fly someone in a private jet to a different country very cheap, very affordable yeah, what a mess

so they're all having to pretend to be mental it's kind of, I don't know it's like trying to take over some kind of insane hostage situation and promise that you're not going to end the hostage, no no no I've never said the hostages should be released I just think this bank robbery needs a new uh hostage leader

but it's because they've got to appeal to the hundred thousand nutters in the conservative party membership yeah um and so they've got to uh sort of side eye everyone else in the country going hey come on man we don't really believe this, but just shut up, shut up. We've just got to keep these guys happy. Hey, hey, hey. Yeah, round the plan. Yeah, good to go.

No taxes for you. Brexit's going great. Look, man, just shut up for another couple of months, okay? And we don't know you. We don't know you. Yeah, exactly. They're in a room with the sort of philosophical moral equivalent

of a bunch of coked up nannas. Just like furious grandparents somehow in a kind of coke rage. Just, oh, Rwanda! And they're just having to kind of look at you and go, like, speaking without moving their smile. Hey, we're just gonna keep uh eating the sandwiches and then we'll get out of here and then maybe we'll be safe but some of them do believe it phil some of them pretty patel nadine lorries the real nutters

liz terrasse loopy loopy ladies the loopiest ladies in Britain it's a testament to the diversity of the modern Tory party that there is such a wide range of genders and ethnicities of insane people represented yes especially the Suella Braverman who's come out of nowhere and is every time you think you've met

the craziest Tory someone one of them goes oh no no watch this. And, and, and the latest, the latest to do it is Svilla Braverman. She's,

um, yeah. I mean the, the idea of announcing your leadership intentions while you're still the attorney general the night before the prime minister resigns just on news night. Fucking hell. She's like,

like you say, like if the normal level of crazy tori is spider man she's just like venom just like just this terrifying new version her final pledge was as she put it to put an end to all this um uh well i think she called it woke nonsense. And then she said woke rubbish, I call it. Like she's invented the term woke rubbish. Wow, we've got a regular wordsmith on our hands here. Woke rubbish.

How did you come up with that? I was insufficiently informed by what you thought about it when you called it nonsense. But now that you've called it rubbish... The overreachers by what you thought about it when you called it nonsense but now that you've called it rubbish the is in the the overreaches of work culture is an interesting one because like yeah the overreaches are a problem and we mustn't ignore them but whenever a politician lists as one of their main priorities to tackle work rhetoric i'm like no no no no don't leave it woke rhetoric. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. Don't. Leave it. Why is that?

Because you think it's just making it worse? Yeah. And also, what is government going to do about it? It is just going to make things worse. It's just like, it'll just accelerate the arms race. I think, well, that's the thing. They always promise they're going to tackle it.

And like you say, any form of it that is a problem, and there aren't that many many there are just a few here and there maybe but it's completely outside the area of legislation yeah exactly yeah i mean unless you what you make an effort to prosecute companies who who fire uh employees falling on the wrong side of history or something yeah but even then like every company's got like a reputation clause where if it turns out you're a neo-nazi they can say that you're not the head of human resources anymore yeah so there's kind of i don't know what they could even do but it inevitably it just boils down to So there's kind of, I don't know what they could even do,

but inevitably it just boils down to, I don't know. It just feels, you know what it makes me feel? Whenever a politician goes, I'm going to put an end to this woke rubbish, I just think of, I just think of fucking Steve Buscemi holding a skateboard going, what's up fellow kids? That's all i see

it's always um it is always interesting to try and get at what they think they mean by work rubbish because inevitably it just boils down to something to do with gender neutral toilets it's very rarely an actual philosophical problem they just go they've just got this kind of weird like half-formed idea in their head of what they're upset about. Yeah, they've got a half-formed idea of what they think people want to hear. And a lot of people do want to hear that,

but they've not really thought about it enough to come up with any specifics. But generally, they're just waving a printout of four tweets from people who don't even live here. Well, maybe one who does. And they're like, do you see this? Do you see what Come lord 43 has been saying and it's like why why is this a matter of national concern this doesn't matter like in a way i almost wish progressive forces were as powerful as you're

making out to be but like that's part of the rhetoric which is to try to pretend that the enemy is all powerful and yet you will defeat them. I mean, the real scandal here is how Cumlord got his peerage in the first place. Look, services to Cum, Phil, okay? What about that don't you understand? You know how that guy's contributed to the world of cum, not just personally, but through outreach. Yeah, raising awareness of cum. Yep. Helping others to contribute.

Yeah. Opening up pathways for people who maybe weren't as able to. Reaching across. Reaching, not across the aisle but around it very good very good I yeah it would be good if

in everything that the cum lord ever said every metaphor he ever used was just built just relentlessly built around ejaculation or climaxing generally. Ladies and gentlemen, we are approaching the vinegar strokes of this campaign. It's like a Rick and Morty character cum lord. The cum lord. Just like when they've really, really run out of bosses for like dark souls and it's just like i don't know the come lord of bum shire there you go he's got a big sword

those shoots come there he's impossible to beat for reasons that aren't really anything to do skill enjoy it's about one of a hundred do you play dark souls no i i tried um its latest sort of similar version of of that game elden ring uh that everyone was creaming over for about a month and not for me yeah i just felt no urge to play it again or finish it or anything i don't like very hard games i want to be told a story well i'd um the issue i had with elden ring was that the intro if you look at the trailer i recommend by the way if you listen to this and you haven't just watched the trailer for elden ring to do it because it is like um i would say it's broadly like you got an ai to just auto assemble a fantasy plot line like you got an AI to just auto-assemble a fantasy plotline.

Hmm. Yeah, okay. And I was like, to the point where I genuinely, and I don't say this lightly, Phil, and it's the first time I've ever been able to use this verb when applying it to my own behavior. I genuinely scoffed when I was watching it. As in you went... I was watching it and I went... One small contemptuous laugh.

Like you're trying to make a point on a question time panel. I reacted like my long-term chimney sweep was asking for an extra shilling for Christmas. You think you deserve a shilling i was very i was very tempted because so what is the story is it um the forces of evil have returned after a long period during which people had thought they had been subdued and now one hero and only one can defeat these returned forces of evil uh yeah kind of i think instead of returned it's um a rift opened with another world and evil poured through it's that classic oh okay well that yeah that i mean that's the witcher as well yeah it is basically this

very similar to the witcher in a way that i thought was very bold that's brave and they kept going on about how they got george rr martin on to write it and i was like did he write it with one hand while he was at comic-con signing and yeah i thought he didn't have time to write his own books i don't think he had time to write this judging by about the quality. And it's just like a rift has appeared in the sky and the goblins are coming out. Watch out.

And there was a good, powerful god king, but now he's dead or something or he's gone or maybe you're the next one. And there's a load of demons and they're kind of, they were dukes and now they're evil. So go get them, quest. Even though you're no one, you'll slowly ramp up to be someone.

Or will you? Beware. Beware. Oh, traveler. Or will you? Beware. And then a sort of vague list of the horrors that you'll find. One of them's called the Foul Dung Eater. Okay.

Yeah, and they've all got names like that. It sounds like one of our correspondents. Well, yeah, I mean, The Foul Dung Eater is definitely a listener. He's on the Patreon, The Foul Dung Eater. He's our top uh top subscriber yeah so it's just very like plug and play click it together self-assembly fantasy story um it's like it's still like cool but just nothing felt too unique about it some of the characters seem quite unique like the dung eater and uh then there's the usual sort of uh do quests collect herbs find a new sword that

could beat the new guy until you beat that guy and then you need a different sword for the next one yeah yeah it doesn't sound like it's for me it falls to bits for me because there's a point where i just go wait is this a job do i have a job this is a job now like the witch is a job like this this 3d dwarf is berating me For not sufficiently clearing that cave of dire rats Is he my boss? Oh you didn't do a very good job With it

You're not real What am I doing? Yeah you get into bed with your girlfriend That night and she's like everything okay and you're just like uh this orc's really been on my ass about the diorites i just i just you know in my opinion i did roll out of the way of that critical blow but you know the the impact mapping and stuff that stump sometimes you can walk through the stump sometimes it blocks your character i'm just saying it's not fair

i think we need a holiday yeah yeah i think we need a holiday what about the lost islands of mythos or whatever the fuck. Generic. They're very foggy, Phil. They're very foggy. I've now played two Assassin's Creed games that I've really enjoyed and I will never finish because I'm just like, enough, enough.

This is, yeah, it's like I've got another life that I've got to get to and take things off of and I've got jobs. I've got to raid these monasteries because I don't have enough supplies. I've spent too many of my supplies on

a fucking distillery before I actually needed a distillery and now I've got to keep raiding monasteries. But I think I need more monasteries than this stage of the story is actually going to open to me. So I'm going to continue the story without an upgraded armourer because I...

And you know what? Forget it. Fuck it. You're not too bad. Too bad. Enough. It's done. But this is it. And it ends up being like...

I remember the Assassin's Creed, the Italian one. It was like, Ezio, please, the market is a rundown. It needs to be upgraded. Do I run a medieval renaissance market now? That's a job. I don't want a job. I'm rehabilitating a town's mark no

that's a real job i could be putting the same amount of effort into and getting actual money what the is this and obviously you know it's more satisfying because you can be like oh click click and then suddenly like an animation plays and there's lovely like big barrels with full of peaches and there's people wandering through going like hey it's so nice to shop for peaches in the market and you're like ah that took a second yeah in real life in real life you're just on the phone to a peach supplier going like no i know they're not yes we'll wash them uh speaking of things i need washing shall we

listen read some correspondence from the great unwashed good morning thank you for coming uh everyone comfortable yes good to see you good to see you uh yes thank you well i'm very excited to announce that after the events of recent days, I too will be entering the race to become the next leader of the Conservative Party and the next Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, taking the total number of candidates to 28 men, 20 women, 5 children and 3 life-size skeleton models like they have in doctor's offices. I know I am up against tough competition, but rest assured I represent this country's best hope.

This country's best hope of defeating the enormous bats. country's best hope of defeating the enormous bats. For too long now, our cities, towns and villages have been ravaged by these gigantic, Mothra-like bats. We don't know where they came from, but we do know what they want. To kick the shit out of us and to eat all our fruit. The banana shortage is now untenable. I don't care where you're from, what your parents did for a living, what school you went to. 400 pounds of banana is simply too much. Now, today you will hear some mealy-mouthed words from the other candidates about making peace with the bats. Diplomacy. Compromise. But how do you compromise with bats the size of buildings, who only speak in screeches and don't understand a word we say.

Now this might not make me popular in our current woke culture but I say you can't talk to giant bats. Our communities have had enough. One constituent of mine, Brenda, told me that while she was at first open-minded about the bats, even welcoming, she changed her mind when they squished all her cousins and ate her GP. Brenda's story is not unique. Enough with the bats already.

We've already lost Canterbury. The Lake District is full of guano it isn't long before they echolocate Glasgow the time to act is now vote for me as the next Conservative leader and I swear to end the age of the bad once and for all or also lower corporation tax.

Correspondence Oh it's hot I'm pouring sweat Even though I'm just reading emails It's horrible It's horrible deceit It's horrible Are you doing anything to help yourself with the heat I'm putting my

Water jug in the fridge Yeah Yesterday I made myself An iced Milo Which was so refreshing I saw that picture Could you taste it at all though? I could actually

I could you know I could taste some of it I'll see how much more I can taste of it today Okay Okay That's with the Milo you bought me BT Dubs Okay oh great I am so pleased to see that you actually already

had some. I haven't had Milo in my life in ages. I just don't buy it. Ah. So. Holly gets in touch. Holly. What a folly.

What a folly What a folly Yeah So the subject is Big statues in Australia Okay, oh I know, I think I know about these Yeah So she says, hi Pierre and Phil Your talk of statues and requests for stories

Of bum statues made me think of some Australian ones You might appreciate. Phil was right that there are a lot Of statues of big fruit in Australia. It's the great Australian tradition. Very, very odd. Very odd. One of Australia's two great traditions.

But she says it's actually broader than that. We're a nation of statues of big things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it of big things yeah yeah yeah yeah it's big things yeah yeah not just fruit she says there's a giant ned kelly the bush ranger in the town of glen rowan oh that's cool no kelly's a cool um figure he's that maniac who made like an armored suit for a shootout didn't he yeah i'm just like a metal bucket and just metal like pads all over him and he went out out, which potentially looked like Darth Vader.

Pretty sick, actually. I say this not knowing what he was wanted for. Hopefully. Yeah, it could be bad. Yeah. Could have been. Yeah. I don't think an Australian Darth Vader would have had the same lingering threat.

No. I'm your father. I'm your father. This is disappointing. I find you like a face disturbing. It'd be funny to dub in the moment where the lightsaber swirls through obi-wan it becomes cloth just to dub in crikey i love i love an an off-camera voice is my favorite comedic device in a film or tv show i love it so much it is always just go vroom crikey without without the camera cutting to his face yeah so there's a giant ned kelly there's a big prawn in berlina

that sounds like a song or a code country song there's a big prawn in berlina there's a big prawn in my heart and I ask you sir have you seen her the girl with a seafood fart it's a country song about a girl who farts to smell the seafood And her long lost love The fishmonger Yes There's a big merino sheep in Goulburn There's a big merino sheep No it doesn't scan as well

It's spelled G-O-U-L-B-U-R-N Goulburn Goulburn? No, it doesn't scan as well. It's spelled G-O-U-L-B-U-R-N. Gulburn. Gulburn? Galburn. Galburn. Gulburn. Gulburn. That's one of the places that I refuse to go on a mission to collect herbs, I think.

Gulburn. Yeah, I was thinking it sounds like a town in The Witcher. Yeah. You gotta go to Gulburn. Yeah, you turn up in Gulburn and it's been deserted. And then the mission becomes find out what happened to the villagers of Gulburn and something horrible. Yeah, visit Gulburn gets crossed out with a big pen quill noise. And then find out.

Yeah. quill noise and then find out yeah come on roach um there is in fact a long wikipedia entry documenting our proud history of big things there are two statues however that are particularly bud bud podian bud podian bud podian podian yeah The first is the big potato in Robertson, which looks like a massive turd. Let's have a look. Yes! Yes, it does. Yes, it does.

Weird. Well, kind of. I mean, it also looks like a big potato, but not loads. I'm not going to lie to you. It doesn't look a load like a potate. I'm going to look up the big potato Yeah

Big potato Australia The big potato Yeah that I expected them to at least put it Stood upwards Because lying down it does just look like a big old turd Yeah Well she also says

The second is minutes away from my home it looks like mr hanky from south park that's what it looks like yeah there's a it's hanky and there are hanky and elements to it holly continues the second is mere minutes away from my home and that is the owl statue in belconnen town center its Its official name is Big Powerful Owl. An owl isn't very Budpodian, you may think, but it is also known as the Big Penis. See the link. I've lived near the statue for 20 years and it still amuses me when I drive past. I do think it's worth looking

up. I'm looking at Big Owl Statue, Australia. Oh, it's haunting. It does look like a penis. From behind it looks like a ghost. Yeah, it's very haunting from the front and It looks like a ghost penis. Yeah, it does look like a penis. From behind, it looks like a ghost. Yeah. It's very haunting from the front and very much like a penis from behind. It looks like the ghost of a penis. There we go.

Yeah, that's true. Which is what you can just about smell from today, I would say, Phil. Yeah, if you get a dick right up into my nose, I can smell a ghost of a penis going up to someone with their dick hey give me that give me that I just need to test something hey buddy

what are you doing ah the ghost of a penis it's coming back thank you sir and you just flap it back at them there you go I do believe this is yours you'd be quite intimidated

if someone grabbed your dick and just sniffed it really deeply and then walked off. I'd assume it was some bloody prank show. I'd be like, hey, hey, hey, hey, get off. Very good. We've all seen dick sniffer clips on TikTok. I've heard of it.

I have an agent and I don't sign this off actually, so good luck using that footage that's what i'd say yeah you just sniffed a stick for nothing okay who's the idiot now um yes and uh she says it also wouldn't be australia without a few racist statues the worst one being of captain cook who appears to be giving a Nazi salute. Oh, here we go. Captain Cook. Statue. Australia. I'd say, yeah,

any public statue in Australia feels like it could be risky. Well, he's got his hand up. It's not a Nazi salute because the palm is facing upwards. It looks actually like he's a waiter and his tray has disappeared and he's still holding it up.

Are you sure it's facing upwards or is it just a bad hand? Oh, no, here's a different one. Okay, I've been looking at the wrong statue. Yes, this one is very Nazi. Yeah, this one, he is thinking Nazi. Yeah, that is Nazi. Well, I see, that sounds strange.

I mean, that is literally a Nazi salute. Yeah, I don't really know what they're going for there. Captain Cook statue looms over Australian colonial history furore. Is it furore or furore? Furore. Furore.

I've never been sure. I've heard all of them in my life my life my long life yeah I mean it doesn't help that he's doing a Nazi salute no that doesn't help

no that doesn't help although Phil the good news is we have a message from Victoria Victoria in Australia? no this is a message from Victoria. Victoria in Australia? No, this is a Victoria from Norway.

Norway, who I'm sorry to say were defeated by the English Lionesses last night. 8-0. 8 goals to nothing. Damn. Poor Norway. Poor Norway.

Their hearts will be cold tonight Oy and yesterday Yesterdag Their hearts were cold Yesterdag Cold like their motherland I don't know how I feel about this accent What is happening here?

There's a bit of the Cockney Italian Looming in there It's a classic Norwegian accent. Der harts will be kold, jesterdag. Yesterday. Der harts. Will be kold. The NATO guy who's Norwegian has such a good Norwegian accent.

Who? The NATO guy. Jarls Bergen-Heschmergen-Bergen. I can't remember his name. Right, right, right. But he's got a really nice He sounds just like the guy from the drama Occupied Which is very good, set in Norway

Greetings from Oslo Like that, he sounds like that Nice Anyway, the point is Victoria says dear P and F And then she includes the Greek, I think, alphabet. Or maybe Norwegian alphabet letters for that. I don't think so.

Mine's like three lines making the top of a box. And yours is a circle with a line down the middle. So I think it's Greek. Fine. Well, yeah, that's fine. Yeah. Yeah, there you go. Okay.

God, it's hot. Victoria says, greetings from Oslo. While not a founding father, I've been a faithful listener ever since episode 10. And as I'm currently unemployed and got dumped a couple of months back. Boo. Sorry to hear. I recently went back to episode one and have listened to all your episodes again to cheer myself up. So thank you for all your brilliant work.

Further praise redacted. Our pleasure. Oh, excellent. Yeah. Glad we could help. Tusen takk for listening. Yes, what he said. Yeah.

Since you've lifted my spirits so much lately, I thought I'd try and return the favor by sharing my only scatological story. The last one in the cupboard. She pulls it out and blows dust off it. I've never told this to anyone before, but I believe that now at last the time has come. Cast your minds back to December 2019, the before time.

Yes. Politics aside, it was a happy time, an innocent time. On the day in question, the air was dense with snow and cattles, and throughout the city, people rushed from one shop to another in search of presents, their faces beaming with a combination of Christmas cheer and exhaustion.

Bling bling a bong, bling bag a bong, bling bag a dong, bling bag a dong. Golden dog! Bling da da do ba dee da ba da ba da da ba da. It's time for Norwegian Christmas. Ding-ba-da-dong, bling-da-dong. Golden dog. Ding-da-da-do-ba-dee-da-ba-da-ba-da-da-ba-da. It's time for Norwegian Christmas. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ching-a-ling-a-ling. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

I, however, was stuck inside. In those days, I was still a student at the University of Oslo. Ah, cool. Yeah. As I had an exam paper due that afternoon, I had decided not to go to the library to work, but to save some time by staying at home to add the final touches to my paper.

Hmm. Smart, good tactics. My roommate, who, for reasons which will soon become apparent, shall remain anonymous, worked in an office, so I assumed I would have the flat to myself. However, she wasn't feeling well that morning, and so decided to stay home.

Hmm. Yeah. With a strange new disease. A strange... She'd had sex with a bat from China the night before. And apparently... Yes. I thought nothing of it at the time.

Oslo, of course, being a very progressive city At first this didn't really bother me as she stayed in bed and didn't make a sound Apart from the odd, it must have been something I ate Through the door? I don't know That's a funny way to... That would be a funny long sort of metaphor to refer to farts. As in like saying, every now and then she let out a...

It must have been something I ate. Right, okay. Through the door. But after a couple of hours, she stumbled out of her room wearing nothing but a dressing gown and onto our sofa in the living room. And because I didn't have my own desk, I was sitting at the dining table in the same room. Oh. Yes.

Suddenly, my roommate ran to the bathroom, which meant passing directly behind me with an ominous, oh no. I was slightly annoyed by the disturbance but i tried to ignore her and continue working on my paper however to my horror i soon realized that although it had first seemed that my roommate had made it to the toilet in time this was not the case oh no oh yuck for as she had hurried from the sofa to the bathroom without so much as a pair of pants for support, she had scattered small and not-so-small droplets of watery poo in her wake.

Oh, no. Like an even grimmer Hansel and Gretel. Yes. The trail is fresh. She's been through here recently. Come on, we need to go. She's close. She's been through here recently. Come on, we need to go. She's close. She's close.

At this point, I was still desperately trying to finish my paper, but I decided it was better to lose the convenience of the dining table than risk being spattered by her fecal faucet. Here we were. So I moved to a chair not in her direct line of fire. Yeah. As the day progressed, i had to witness my roommate run to and from the bathroom while her trail of shit tears became ever more apparent and abhorrent

trail of shit tears by some miracle i did manage to finish my paper on time and i got a b oh movement um but i can never look at my roommate in the same way again. Nevertheless, we endured over a year together in lockdown, with both working from home, so I guess our friendship can survive anything. Yeah. Gosh. Yeah, I mean, if you get through little poop droplets on the floor,

you can get through a global pandemic. Yes, definitely. If you can get through actual visible droplets of poo, you can get through invisible droplets of COVID. Yeah. Definitely. If you can get through actual visible droplets of poo, you can get through invisible droplets of COVID. Is Victoria Norwegian? I think so. She says, keep up the good work and for God's sake, keep on jacking it. Or, naplukken, to use a Norwegian phrase. Literally meaning, pluck the onion. Ah, to keep jacking it. Yeah, naplukken. Pl pluck the onion ah to keep jacking it yeah not pluck the onion

it's correct it's crazy how good scandinavian english is i don't really understand how they have time to learn it so well i think it's just um i don't know i guess i guess it's just all the well i mean look they have a very high standard of educational system, but also it's just everything's in English, isn't it? Yeah. If every single Marvel movie was in Norwegian, we'd have a little bit of Norwegian by now. But I mean, that's the case also in sort of France and Spain, isn't it? And their English isn't as good.

Yeah, but it's because they're assholes about it. That's true. Also, apparently, I think in Norway, if you're in a university class and one of you speaks English and you say, can we have the lectures in English? They have to be in English. Oh, really? Like Norway and the Netherlands and I think other Scandinavian countries apart from Norway. A lot of the universities are in English just to keep the international students coming as well. So, of course, of course.

There's a massive incentive there. Yeah. Good. Good. Smart bunch. Victoria has enclosed, she says, a bit of chat, which I find not only annoying but confusing. Perhaps you can clear this up. The label on the box translates as, come, let's have a cup of tea and talk about nice things and no that's not a poor translation it sounds equally stupid in norwegian

i'm gonna try and say it in norwegian Laos ta ek kopte Ok snakke om finating Fine things Interesting, I didn't think tea would be a central Part of Norwegian tat too No, I think they must be drinking it In a much more sort of like no milk American way I would have thought it would be like Pickled fish You know

Kom, let's have a nice cup of pickled fish yeah the twitter profiles are um sort of uh human pickled fish eater sassy bit sweary bit stinky herring lover. Well, thank you, Victoria. So she says, from the way it's just regarding the shape of the box, it is like quite a massive box. I don't know what it's for. She just says, from the way it's displayed in the shop, I assume that the box is supposed to contain the cup next to it,

but who keeps their cup in a box on the table rather than in a cupboard and secondly doesn't the label suggest that two people should have tea and talk about nice things together and if so shouldn't the box have two cups but does the box want me to talk about nice things to the box yes you're very confusing yes but thank, Victoria. Tus and tak for your email. The subject, no doubt, of the next Scandi Noir, what this box actually means. Yes. Yes.

It could be called The Box, as they are. Yes, and it'll be in a very stark white sort of impact font over a very poorly lit sort of blue light sort of shoreline, you know. Yeah. All blues and grays. Yeah. I've still not seen any of the Scandinois. They're good, man. In white impact font

it'll fill the whole screen. Der Boxer. And then underneath the thin little yellow subtitles, The Box. Which should I start with? The Bridge? Yeah. Any of them any of them um also watch a very good movie with um what's his tits from game of thrones is in it the danish guy called recommend watching Headhunters will do

alright thanks listeners we're off now to the special Scandinavian country of Patrionic Patrionic yeah with it's secluded fjords come on in

if you think you're hard enough come on in if you've if you think you're hard enough come on in by the way see you all next week I wonder who the final two in the leadership race will be exciting maybe it'll be me and Pierre who knows could be

alright bye bye bye