BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 173 - Boiling Hot Buds!

Episode Date: July 20, 2022

The lads are sweltering in 40 degree heat! They chat Bavaria, Tory leaders, child screamsCorrespondence: Sam's devil's breath bumhole Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 173. 173. I am sweaty. Yep, it's a living hell today. An absolute living hell. Let me just adjust this microphone because there is sweat literally dripping from my face onto the microphone. Absolutely ghastly.

Currently Pierre and I are somehow very heroically Surviving through the UK heatwave Today is the hottest day The UK has ever been in the history of the UK Ever, ever, ever The last record breaking day was 2019 It got up to 38.5 in Cambridge Yep

And the record was broken today Before noon, as we record on Tuesday the 19th of July, it is just getting hotter and hotter with every minute. This is how great Britain is. We are breaking our own record every minute. They've recorded 40.2 degrees in Heathrow and it's only going up, up, up. The key as well is

if you want to terrify yourselves, listeners, look up wet bulb temperature. Wet bulb? Yeah, because the actual temperature isn't the point when it comes to human survival. The point, if you want to know how it feels or will be inside a human body, you need to look up wet bulb temperature.

And it's worse. it's worse than you think if you take that into account I want to look it up now, wet bulb it's not a gross picture is it, wet bulb temperature get those bulbs get them soaked wet bulb temperature is the lowest temperature that can be reached under

current ambient conditions by the evaporation of water. So it's the temperature you can be when you're trying to stay cool. So a high temperature is fine in theory if the wet bulb temperature is low. Okay. Because it can be fought against,

e.g. like a dry heat is easier to deal with i think um but if the wet bulb temperature approaches a certain level you will get hotter and hotter despite trying to cool down and so there's like no cure as it were and you just die oh yeah so there is a point where if it gets hot enough it's just like that your your body just gets hotter the more it tries to enough, it's just like that. Your, your body just gets hotter. The more it tries to cool down, it's like traps on itself in a sort of death loop. Okay.

A positive feedback loop. Yeah, exactly. So, um, that, that temperature has been reached sometimes in the day in parts of India already.

I believe death Valley, of course, Sahara desert, whatever, but, um, it's not good. I would say it's bad news.

Not to be too controversial. Try to be balanced here on BudPod. But I think being cooked to death is bad. We're anti-murder, we're anti-being cooked to death, Phil. We are. We're anti-humans murdering other humans, and we're anti-the sun murdering humans. Exactly. This is the only officially anti-mur murdering other humans, and we're anti-the sun murdering humans. Exactly.

This is the only officially anti-murder podcast. It's true. It's frankly disgusting that there aren't more. It's disgusting. I'd be sweating with fury if I wasn't already sweating with normal things. It's weird that it's so hot, Pierre, because climate change isn't real.

So I don't understand. Hang on a minute. Yeah, I like all the people sort of going like, it's just a bit of sun. Just a bit of sun, just a bit of sun. And like, the most satisfying thing is Aussies, like Australians in Australia being like, what's the big deal? And it's like, first of all, the big deal is half of your country is on fire every year.

So you know perfectly well what the big deal is. The big deal is most of your country is literally uninhabitable already, before global warming. Before global warming, it was too hot to live in the entire middle of the big biscuit you live on. So you should also be upset that the bits that are livable are now on fire okay secondly very satisfying that the australians that actually live in the uk are like very sincerely like nah nah mate it's different here like no all the

buildings are made of stone and there's no air con and it's like wet. The air is wet. Everything in the UK is dense and heavy and just holds heat. I got back last night. I was in Bavaria over the weekend. Oh. Little yodel? Little yodel in some leather hosen? Ja.

It was very good. Sehr gut, ja. Did you go to München? I went to München. Grüß aus München? I went to München. Grüß aus München. I went to München. I went into like proper, like postcard Germany bits.

People are wearing Lederhosen and just going about their day. I'm not kidding. And everyone drinks beer out of massive one-liter Steins glasses. It's just sausages and pork pork I ate a pig knuckle Pig knuckle with sauerkraut And there's a potato dumpling

There called the canoodle You finally had a knuckle sandwich I finally I didn't have any bread unfortunately But a pig's knuckle is delicious. I mean, I think when an animal's knuckle is delicious, we are meant to eat it. You know what I mean?

Yeah. If you go, okay, what if we just try and eat only the bit that we associate with gristle and violence? And you're just like, probably it's just born to be food. It's also like a Chinese, a Chinese eaters paradise, a pig knuckle.

Cause it's, cause it's a weird cut. We are already on board. It's a weird cut. It's got meat, fat and cartilage. It's nothing like cut. It's got meat, fat, and cartilage. There's nothing like a bit of cartilage. Oh, daddy likes cartilage.

You don't like cartilage? Mmm, a bit of cartilage. I just don't like the noise you made. I've learned to love cartilage throughout adventures together. Oh, good, good, good. Oh, yes, we eat tendon. Yeah, there's tendon and cartilage.

Yeah? Mummy like. But anyway, so I was in Bavaria for a weekend it was a lot of fun and it was hot there but it wasn't this hot and we got got back i got back last night at around midnight and i entered my bedroom and things were just hot i touched the radiators like, what? Has this been on? And it hadn't been on. And it just soaked up the heat from the air. Yeah. And was warm.

My bed was warm. The floor was warm. It had been hours since the sun had set. But everything was still warm. It was like a nightmare. The UK, and it's pretty shitty building regulations but like its culture of building is to build on the assumption that at some point the ice age is coming back because people in the uk are obsessed with not being cold which is why like they go on

holiday every two weeks to somewhere hot no matter what time of year it is in the UK. They're obsessed with heat. It's weird. You and I are anti-heat because we're from hot places. We know that this is what it's like. But it means that every house is built with the idea of like, well, of course, an Englishman's home is his castle. And on January the 7th, for example, they should just be in fucking snowboard,

like little fucking beach shorts and a fucking string vest, and that should be enough. Yeah, yeah. It is an affront unto the English sense of dignity to have to adjust for the cold. But hot. Hot's good, no matter how hot.

Let's make everything hold in heat. I mean, to be fair, a lot of the housing standards in the UK are so poor that they don't hold in heat during the winter either. They're just designed, as someone on Twitter pointed out, to be damp forever. Oh, no. Just being wrong. Wrong indoors. My place is a new build And has a frankly excellent energy rating

So it's like I don't know An A or a B or something And So I don't have to spend anything In the winter really I will cough And that's the house warm for the next hour

Oh yeah my flat's the same You could heat it with a fart A little burp So in the winter you're very glad of it But's the same you could heat it with a fart yeah a little burp yeah that's the day so in the winter you're very glad of it but in the summer you're like oh my god can i chip off layers of wall please can i unglaze the windows well someone someone was pointing out the irony of like you know the insulate britain people who like lie down in front of the trucks and because that's how much they want everyone's homes to be insulated well if this becomes the normal an insulated home will be worse and require

greenhouse gas emitting cooling facilities e.g aircon yeah but i guess the problem with british heat waves is i mean their money but the problem is that it's really, really hot, but for too short a period of time. And so it hasn't hit a point. I think it still feels to most people like a false economy to spend energy and money on protecting ourselves from the extreme heat, because it's only for a couple of weeks and then the rest of the time. Last year, it's only for a couple of weeks

and then the rest of the time. Last year, it was only for a couple of weeks, but we'll see about this year. But remember 2019, it didn't rain for like 12 weeks. It was like this for three months, four months. Yeah, I think 2019 was particular hell, wasn't it? Yeah, man. I think it's going to be like that again this year.

It's going to just be like, we're going to be hotter than Portugal for just months, which is obscene. It is pretty appalling. But once we get through today, it's at least not going to be so bad. I mean, I can't believe I'm looking at temperatures like 26 degrees Celsius and thinking,

oh, that'll be nice and cool yeah it's obscene the sweat is beading on my face like i'm i've got a i'm ill that's how hot it is in this room now it's when it's when sweat comes from your open planes of your cheek that you're hot i've rolled my t-shirt i've rolled my t-shirt up to expose my belly i've just got a white t-shirt strapped around my my boobs yeah like i'm sat on a porch in new orleans i um my laptop just by virtue of being on in this temperature is just screaming yes me too mine too it's so hard my it's not even doing anything and it's hard if you can hear that listeners if there's in the background there's a slight also apologies listeners if you can hear them but usually i close my windows for um so there's not too much sound bleed from outside but today i literally cannot see i've I've closed the windows And I'm gonna if you hear me faint that's why

Yeah we just hear A big glugung Oh no Just a collapse and a fart Yeah so there's children Playing outside Demon children Only demon children can be playing in this heat.

Yeah. What are they? I mean, what the fuck are they playing? French Foreign Legion? They're just running around screaming. Christ. Oh, God. They might not be screaming out of fun.

I have a plug for that. They're just screaming because their feet are touching tarmac. They're just screaming because their feet are touching tarmac. A real life game of the floor is lava for children today. Yeah. I have something to plug, Phil, for our dear listeners. Oh, yeah. Plug it in them.

Thank you for all the listeners who have watched my special Quiet Ones on YouTube. Yes. my special quiet ones on youtube yes but this friday it is being released as an album by the label 800 pound gorilla an american oh fantastic comedy label they make comedy albums and sort of poodle them around the world in their own magical way 800 pound gorilla records they're called um so i'm going to start tweeting about that uh soon and then the release is on friday e.g um three days from the release what what date would that be for god's sake it will be the 22nd the 22nd of july the album's coming out so i would be very much obliged if you guys could um could rt it or like the instagram post i put on my instagram or whatever else it would make me look like a real big shot to the good folks at 800lb Gorilla.

And it'll be on Spotify and stuff. So you can actually listen to it now without having to do... I don't know if you've ever done this, Phil. Having to have YouTube open on your phone, but you can't shut the screen because it stops the YouTube. Yeah, I really wish they'd sort that out. A nightmare. But no longer, listeners. No longer you can listen from Friday on your streaming audio blah blah of choice. And thank you to everyone listening who has...

I don't know if you saw, Phil, but last night I did my tweet. Oh, yeah, your McDonald's apple pie tweet. Yes, every year on the hottest night of the year, Pierre will do his tweet. The tweet. They say each year on the hottest night of the year, Pierre will come to your house and do his tweet. Yeah.

Yeah. He'll climb in through the window you've left open for a breeze and he'll do his tweet at you in this weather it is left oven yeah it always does really well every year the tweet people seem to forget or be retweeting it out of a sense of meta sort of irony

which I don't care which it is I appreciate both I appreciate a repeated tweet that isn't just retweeted from before but typed out again and tweeted again yes and um it's i think it's i think the tweet has been going as a tradition for at least four or five years now like definitely a long time blowing onto myself to cool my belly why these kids are kids so noisy? I hope people cannot hear these kids screaming too much. I can hear them through the phone.

Oh, Jesus. I cannot close these windows. I can hear them through the phone, but it lends a sort of summertime ambiance, I dare say. Oh, boy, oh, boy. Oh, boy, oh, boy. Also, this Saturday and, oh, God, was that water? boy, oh, boy. Also, this Saturday and... Oh, God. Was that water?

No, I'm just trying to move the window around so that maybe I can... Also, this Saturday and next Saturday, I will be on Absolute Radio's Saturday morning breakfast show with Frank Skinner and Emily Dean. So if you want a little extra dose of me in your life, you've already listened to the

Bud Pod and the Patreon episode, then I'll be on the radio on Saturday having a chucklesome time in between actual music instead of the insane jingles that we buy. So you can enjoy that. Marvelous. Marvelous. Anything you want to plug, Phil?

Life in general? The laughter of children? Yeah, my life The laughter of children? My life Happiness of children And My book is out in paperback Sidesplitter So do get this, do get the book

It's also out on Audiobook Sidesplitter And I'll be at the Edinburgh Fringe On the 15th to the 21st Doing my new stand-up show So it's not Filly Filly Wang Wang It's the new show

So if you're on the Fringe do come along I'm at the Assembly George Square What's the title of the new show please? The title in Edinburgh It is called Phil Wang The Real Hero and all this nice yeah but i think i will change the title for the tour because the title was was the title was a work in progress title that i've sort of held on to but i think i'll change it at some point i think um i think

people don't realize how early we have to choose our titles it's it's it's easily months before we properly have an idea of what the show's really about or have written any of it. So it's quite... If you want to play it safe, you have to pick a very vague title. Yes, exactly. But do come along.

What else? What else? I think that's it for now. Yeah. But stay tuned. now but stay tuned you better stay tuned what's fun about running around screaming I never did this as a child do you remember the child scream

element of where I live the child scream element of where you live yeah 5 o'clock every day there's just like a child screaming and weeping grief out of a pram every day at five like fucking big ben i can like tie it set my watch by i have no idea what's wrong with that kid every day for years now there's also the kid is like lisa simpson he's not getting any older

it seems that now my neighborhood observes child scream as well yeah yeah well you're in a different scream zone so your screams are happening now whereas i'm three scream three hours of screaming ahead of you so you know from my point of view it feels quite surreal and science fictiony to hear the child screams now instead of at five there There could be birds. Very loud. Yeah, they're really horrible. I hate screaming.

I hate children who scream. I hate adults who scream. I hate teenagers who are out and about and they're excited and the boys bully the girls and the girls scream but in a way that invites more teasing. I hate them, all of them i hate them be quiet be quiet i was so quiet when i was young i've always been so quiet i polluted so little

noise into our world so little my noise footprint is tiny why can't other people why can't other people be like me this is the main problem my life yeah why can't other people why can't other people be like me this is the main problem in my life yeah why can't other people be more like me well this i i have this same thought but except with noise it's um keeping hold of your litter till you find a bin that was especially growing up in malaysia growing up in the developing world yeah litter is so bad yeah just keep it in your pocket till you find a bin, it's not a big deal figure it out it's not hard, it feels good

the idea of just letting some litter kind of plop from your hand into just the world is as insane to me as the idea of just stripping off completely and then just getting on with my day in public, it's as insane to me as the idea of just stripping off completely and then just getting on with my day in public it's as insane to me it is bonkers it's you know um not the heat is making us sound old

but we are old now and kids are too loud i've always found kids too loud even when i was a kid i'd be walking around and people they'd be playing tag or whatever and running around screaming and I'd just be in the corner just rubbing my temples like that. You're shaking your fist saying, have some goddamn pride! Act your goddamn ages!

Well, as if the heatwave on its own wasn't horrific enough we are also getting to the end point of the Tory leadership contest it's true, it's time to completely undemocratically find out who is basically the elected dictator of the country

and I never thought that we'd find ourselves as a country in a position of being quite probably on the brink of our first ever non-white prime minister. Yeah. And there isn't a shred of a celebratory atmosphere about it. No one is excited about it at all. Isn't that funny i just saw today that um kemi uh uh bedenach has been endorsed by britain first yeah it's a brave new world kemi bedenach is now um she's the only

black candidate and is sort of the right wing of the party's favorite what is going on i don't understand life anymore pierre yeah there's a good chance that we'll have a non-white uh prime minister and a very good chance that another female prime minister the third one i believe um i think a caretaker role aside for someone at some point i think maybe some someone anyway but it doesn't matter the point is as you say not celebrated because of the fact that it's it's on the right um i don't know how far the u.s is from that from just having like uh someone from a sort of uh double minority background or double discriminated against background just being in charge of like machine guns for everyone and people having to go well I suppose they've worked very hard to be at the top of their field

offering everyone guns yeah yeah yeah but this is a thing I read recently in a nice piece about how a very good piece about how the real force

behind the future of Christianity in the UK is African, black African and there's a good and like conservative Christian, so you know, anti-LGBT

and all this sort of thing anti-abortion and there's a good line in it that said Christian. So, you know, anti-LGBT and all this sort of thing. Anti-abortion. And there's a good line in it that said diverse does not mean progressive. And that's something that we really should keep in mind. And the left especially needs

to wake up to. Diverse does not mean progressive. Yeah, you don't want to be like those naive sort of student union white students who are like, well, all the discriminated groups form a sort of natural alliance and get on really well. Yeah, and will vote Labour by matter of course. Or even if they don't vote Labour, will just generally agree with me because I think that I am on their team. Yeah. And that means that they must be

on my team. Otherwise it's unfair. Nope. Anyway, interesting. It most likely, I mean, yeah, it'll most likely be Rishi. Will Rishi be our most handsome Prime Minister? Well, Phil, there's a lot of polling coming in

that once it's down to two rishi loses really to yeah to who to every every other candidate is polling better than him when it's down to between rishi and someone else polling with the membership uh some um some straw poll stuff for the tory membership and you YouGov weighted polls just came out today saying that. Oh, so he's a lot more popular in the party than in the membership. Is that right? In the PLP, as it were. Not even really.

It's just because he's good, but all the people who could be winning against him are split so far. So he's benefiting from the split. That's true. Remember that Boris is the only frontrunner since like the 60s who's ever actually won normally the frontrunner doesn't win they get knifed to bits by everyone else yeah and that's why like Jacob Rees-Mogg is going

Rishi is a socialist and everyone's going oh no he's definitely he's definitely very left wing isn't he the Tory Chancellor Rishi Sunak. Yeah. What's funny is that Rishi's counter-argument. The welfare-cutting Chancellor.

Yeah, well, Rishi's counter-argument is to be like, yes, I gave everyone money to help save their lives during the pandemic, but I didn't want to. I didn't want to be nice. I wanted to cut them to the bone and that he's having to like make that argument really sincerely in public in order to appeal to the 100 000 pensioners who are going to choose the next dictator gosh yeah i mean at this point as long as it's not trust, I won't put my head in the oven. She is someone who, even when speaking directly to the camera and looking into my eyes,

I feel like she's looking at somewhere about a mile behind my head. She somehow manages to feel like she's looking over your shoulder, even when she's looking directly in your eye. Yeah, and not only that, what she's looking over your shoulder even when she's looking directly in your eye yeah and not only that the what she's looking over your shoulder at is the person who she's distracting you from who's going to hit you with a club there's menace in there um and she's a proper nut uh but she's in with a decent shot oh god she's in with a decent shot What's going to fucking happen? I think Bryce is going to come back He started talking about the deep state in one of his speeches today

Wow, really? He's going down that route Yeah, he might go full nut nut Maybe he'll become a Crazy populist What's his video of him In a fighter jet? You know

It's the last week of term It's Mufti Day Is he playing Mufti Day For Mufti Day he came as a fighter pilot And because he's prime minister They let it that means that you can actually go in one And He's just broadly decided that

It's summer last week of term And as a reward for being such a good boy He's allowed to go On a fighter jet and give a thumbs up Yeah, bizarre Really, really weird, really embarrassing stuff Really embarrassing stuff I mean, you know they cancelled the other debate

There was supposed to be another debate today A debate between the Leadership contenders Why did they cancel it? Because of the heat? No, Sunak and Trust just went We don't wanna Oh, fair enough Yeah, they just went, yeah, we don't wanna

It's probably just worse They deplatformed themselves Hypocritical We'll cancel culture People are canceing themselves out here people cancel culture's got so bad i'm going to try and reconfigure my window situation one more time to try and minimize the noise just wait i can't believe that two candidates for elected dictator in the uk just as a description of the level of power the Prime Minister has versus the US President

within their own system. I can't believe two candidates turned the gun on themselves and cancelled themselves. Deplatformed themselves. Very sad. What is the world coming to? In other news, my large, billowing, white, red

Nose Day t-shirt I'm wearing to try and stay cool looks like I have gone swimming with my t-shirt on because I'm ashamed of my man boobies. That's how fucking hot and sweaty it's genuinely like I can see my chest hair through it. It's so hot, Pierre has come dressed as

the fat kid in P.E. That was me, by the way, as well. In days like today, we are all that child. Okay, so I've opened up the further window to minimize noise,

hopefully, and just pulled the curtain down on my window. Just try to keep this light out. Yeah, I wish I'd shut the curtain in this room. As it is, I've let the sun turn the window of this room into the window of an oven that I live in. Oh, God.

I think we are getting through the worst of it now, though. We've got another hour of the worst of it, and then it will start to come down. Yeah, we're recording at the pinnacle, which may have been an error, but such is life. We wanted you to hear this live from the front lines of the climate war.

Pierre and I are essentially recording this podcast at this hour to sort of hold each other's hands through the burning hour, as it will be called in the future. Yes, yes, yes. That would be good dystopian sci-fi you know you know like one of those sci-fis where it's sort of like uh they've had to change the name slightly to make it seem a bit more futuristic

yeah so instead of like someone being called robert they're called like you know rod it yeah i was thinking rod it yeah so so like someone's mum being like, Roddett, come back from... That's also out of the Game of Thrones playbook. Yes, yeah, yeah. People called Sleaven and stuff. Just really pathetic. Or just Joffrey instead of Geoffrey.

Yes, which is also like an American's mispronunciation of how we spell the word Jeffrey, the name Jeffrey. Oh, right. Geoffrey. Yeah. Geoffrey? Yeah. But yeah, some like mum leaning out of like a space house, like the kind of house from Star Wars that Luke Skywalker lives in.

Just a sort of desert-y looking house. Roddart, come back before the burning hour will mom goes away on his little hover boots we we basically now have live in the purge once a year we have the purge but it's it's from the sun the sun has a purge now and And it's on a day in July. And you don't know until about a week beforehand that the sun purge is coming. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The sun is no longer the cheerful baby's head from Teletubbies. It's a furious ex-con.

The sun now has Danny Trejo's face. You know, the babies, the Teletubby sun baby went to my school in Bath. Really? Yeah, yeah. She was the celeb on campus. She? She, yeah. Well, well, well.

What a world. How typical. Pierre has assumed the sun is a man. Just because it's called the sun. You didn't think a female baby could be the sun. Wow. Shame on you and was she cool pierre doesn't pierre doesn't think that women can be made up primarily of hydrogen no what a pig i don't think just just because she has a vagina she can, she can't create helium out of nuclear fusion. For shame.

This is why we need more women in STEM. Because then they'll crack cold fusion and be creating suns. Yeah. Well, we should probably get to some Correspondence We should peel open some sopping wet letters From under our tits It's the hottest correspondence of the year Correspondence

It's the most hot Correspondence Of the year The envelope Glue is melting Cause the day is so Sweltering I'd like a cool

Beer Sing to me weltering. Nice. I'd like a cool beer. Yes. It's the Sing to me. Sing to me. Oh boy. I have so many cold beers in the fridge ready for tonight.

I've just put in a lovely Vino Verde into the fridge. Daddy's going to like that. It's slightly carbonated by nature. Yum, yum, yum. Ooh. So, Sam gets in touch.

Sam. Yeah. Sam, hot damn it's damn hot it's damn hot Sam oh boy subject line a whole heap of shit it's quite a long email

it's good that's how I feel right now yeah Sam says dear lord plop and grand mooth Turdkin. I wonder who's Hugh. Which one do you want to be? I'll be Grand Moth.

M-O-F-F from Star Wars. Grand Moth Turdkin. Okay, I'll take that. I quite like Lord Plop, so this has worked out quite well. Good, good, good. Thank you so much for your podcast. It's a regular delight to me and my wife.

My wife. Lovely. Thrilled that you are married. I have not had huge success recommending your podcast, but I soldier on regardless. Thank you. A surprising victory was a colleague at work when I was trying to convince her to get her student son to listen.

She had to go herself and was delighted. Yes. Hey, Marie, I hear your student son is looking for a new podcast. Might I recommend the Stinky Boys of Budpod?

Hey, Marie, you kids at college, you like shitting and turds and highbrow references and so forth? Why don't you turn them on to these two crazy guys? Well, what if I want to listen myself? Put your hands on her hips, cigarette hanging out of her lips. Hair curlers in her hair Yeah If it's good enough for the goddamn boy Like she's very

She loves him but she's very hard on him Anyway Yeah, tough love When explaining the podcast I tried several taglines And he says this is in the Adam Buxton radio DJ voice This first one So that's good It's two guys talking shit, literally This is in the Adam Buxton radio DJ voice, this first one. So that's good.

It's two guys talking shit. Literally. Adam Buxton lives in my head rent-free, and I'll never evict him. Budpod, it's just shit. Yeah. Yeah? I can see why these haven't been too effective Budpod it's turds all the way down Yeah

Nice reference hard sell I see all of these on like Oldie starly Posters Like 60s posters Yes I see them next to the winking boy From Fallout Yes yes That sort of thing Like 60s posters. Yes, I see them next to the winking boy from Fallout. Yes, yes.

That sort of thing. God, I can feel my t-shirt clinging to my boobies. Anyway, in other news, my wife found this piece of garbled nonsense and wanted to share. Okay. Good. And when having... Oh, where did you find it Oh maybe he means the attachments

Yes okay he means the attachments So Hashtag Tokyo 2020 Hashtag start your impossible I hate it Start your impossible Start your impossible Start your impossible Makes me feel sad and angry at the same time

Yeah Start your impossible Start your impossibles Everyone And he found a book called Koji Alchemy Rediscovering the Magic of Mold-Based Fermentation Really annoyed Discovering the magic The magic Magic of mold-based fermentation. Really annoyed.

Discovering the magic. The magic. The magic. Annoyed about that because we now can't release the book Koji Alchemy Rediscovering the Magic of Jerking Off. Shame. And so, yeah, he says he saw that when having a delicious Tasting menu in Farringdon

I was taken aback by this volume that must have been written By an acolyte of the bum bum life Farringdon He has a couple of excellent restaurants in Farringdon A real culinary hotspot in London Anyone who's ever going to visit Make a note St John

Is that where that is? Yeah. Yeah, some good stuff. Oh. Finally, Sam says a story that my wife has never heard. A Budpod exclusive. A Budpod marital

disclosure. A story my wife has never heard. Not a poo story, more a poo prelude. Okay. A pre-pood. A pre-pood. As a teenager, I was part of a youth group that had an annual weekend away to help the socially awkward

brace-wearing and often unwashed teens to remain firmly socially awkward. Wait, wait, wait. This is like a getaway or like a camp or something yeah and a weekend away weekend away okay okay yeah so as a teen as a teenager i was part of a youth group that had an annual weekend away to help the socially awkward brace wearing and often unwashed teens remain firmly socially awkward and And, of course, I fancied the pants of a large number of the opposite sex within the group. Of course, of course.

Halcyon days. Yes. Yes, the real Tommy Gunn in a mob-owned bar approach to who you fancy. On this fateful weekend, my bowels betrayed me. After the very first day, I had hot, noxious fumes creeping from my anus at regular intervals. Noxious fumes, a very influential saxophonist of the 60s jazz movement in New York. Oh, yes, Noxious Fumes, yes.

Yeah, he was French by birth. Noxious Fumais, yes. Yeah, he was French by birth. But he was a very conservative country family in France and he moved to New York to make his name. Yeah, and had to hide his aristocratic roots. It would have really undermined his position as a sort of starving artist. So he's got the terrible hot emissions.

We've all been there. Oh, Noxious Fumais the terrible hot emissions. We've all been there. Oh, not just for me and the hot emissions. Oh, they took the state by storm. He says, I can only describe the smell as dangereux. Dangereux, dangerous? Yes, dangerous. The very? Yes. Dangerous. The very definition of silent but deadly.

There seemed to be no rhyme, reason, or rumbly tummy to provide any sort of warning as to when the pungent pestilence might be emitted. Wow. So this is at random. Instant stuff. Instant fart. Instant fart. Instant fart. This made any interaction

a nail-biting thrill ride of horror. Oh, yeah. Because he's on the weekend away with all the other awkward, brace-wearing, unwashed ladies. Oh, no. And at any moment, your body could betray you. At any moment, just a little haaaah.

Horrible devil's breath He says I'd manage most of the day By casually heading outside or to a corner And generally keeping away from people Like a normal teenager Just talking to Talking to the girls Yeah so I think my favourite member of S Club 7 Would have to be Brat

Excuse me ladies And he just walks out very calmly just walks out of the room and then you see him through the window outside just stand in the corner like that yeah he's miming he's making a smoking motion with his hands but it's to his uh anus just tapping it like like into an ashtray just yeah tapping his ass yeah yeah yeah and somehow manages to grind his uh boot heel into it don't really put it out just bending his leg backwards and just crushing his own anus with his heel. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and as he comes back inside, he puts both his hands up like he's surrendering. He just goes, I'm trying to quit. I'm trying to quit.

Down to one a day so he casually heads outside or to a corner and generally keeps away from people like a normal teenager however when evening struck the leader of the weekend declared there would be a viewing of the lord of the rings that all must attend oh no famously long

famously long famously long and exciting so he says staring down the barrel of three hours in a reasonably close proximity to actual people I devised a strategy to find some way through the ordeal I would sit alone at the back

and be the person to gather further snacks or drinks for people nice yes the farting butler you've heard of a dumb waiter well now it's time to meet the farting butler the bum waiter

so he's a little farting Jeeves over here. I would be alone. Yes. Allowing me to get out of my seat as necessary and expel the demonic breath where none might accidentally wander into the cloud. Very good. Really good stuff from a teenager as well. Smart.

Upload your farts to the cloud. Very clever. I mentally twiddled my imaginary moustache at the clever plan I was immediately thwarted I hate being thwarted immediately I don't mind being thwarted eventually but not immediately

have some chase to it I was immediately thwarted. One of the girls whose pants I'd fancied off decided to sit at the back, blocking my retreat. No. No! Madam, please. Madam, please.

There was nothing to be done but clench. And clench I did. I have no memory of any conversation That took place before the film started I can only imagine I came across As an idiot About a third of the way through the film Disaster struck

Oh no Have they left the Shire yet? They'll have just left the Shire This The next step The next fart is the furthest away I've just left the Shire. The next step, the next fart is the furthest away I've farted from the Shire, Mr. Frodo. So he says, a third of the way through the film,

disaster struck. My clenches did nothing to withhold the cascade. Oh, no. The girl reacted. I began to babble apologies. The noise of our discussion. Please. No, I'm sorry.

Are you? Let me explain. No, I can explain. You don't understand. No, please. When someone in the X-Men accidentally exposes that they have a mutant power. No, please. Yeah, he farts like when cyclops takes his glasses off

i didn't mean it i know you're a monster a monster just this very traumatic he says the girl reacted i began to babble apologies the noise of our discussion roused the attention of the leader Who felt they had to intervene What's going on there? Yeah literally So the leader goes

What's going on here? What the Oh whoa What's that? Is it weird that in my head the leader's dressed like an American park ranger? Like green uniform tie, smoky bear hat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And now he's holding his nose. Whoa, what the? Oh my god. Code brown, code brown. What is that? Sam says, I died. Oh my god. Code brown. Code brown. What is that? Sam says, I died.

Oh my lord. Yeah. Horrible. He says, in my panic, I did what all four-year-olds learn to do. Four-year-olds? All four-year-olds learn to do. I blamed the closest person to me. It was her, I uttered.

Oh, no way! What a twist! What a twist! It was her! She's the witch! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Wow! I mean, there's playing

hard to get, and then there's blaming her for your fart. For your evil, evil devil breath fart. It was her, I mean there's playing hard to get And then there's blaming her for your fart For your evil, evil devil breath fart It was her I uttered Of course no one took any notice of the accusation And all eyes turned to me There were sniggers The girl moved seat

That's such a limp attempt At shifting the blame Yeah, it was her Terrible limp attempt at shifting the blame. Yeah. It was terrible. And you're the only one not like choking on the smell either. Such a funny person to pin it on. The one person you're trying to impress.

Yeah. Immediate betrayal. The leader felt it was their duty to sit through the rest of the film with me out of pity. I would have preferred death. Oh, God. Death over pity. My brother, who was there as well, still cries with laughter at my social demise. It is funny. It is good stuff.

The shock and horror of it meant I don't remember the rest of the weekend And if there was a cathartic poo that followed such misery I'd like to think there was Brutal Yeah if I was his brother I'd be dining out on that for years Oh god yeah Fart betrayal

Fart betrayal Oh yeah This is a whole heap of shit I thought I'd cram into one missive I fully expect a solid okay thank you Koji Sam okay thank you Sam okay thank you Sam really great stuff really lovely

why did God Dane to make man his his horniest and his stinkiest in the same years of life. Are you quoting Paradise Lost? I think that's a Milton quote. Why must man be the stinkiest and the horniest at once?

It's true, though. You're a teenager and you want to impress girls so much, but you're always stinky. Also, women have a naturally better sense of smell apparently like on average oh no you tell me that now it's a terrible combination we should have a better sense of smell so we can stop ourselves being stinky before anyone else notices but not. Apparently we're just walking around just immune. Terrible. I guess because we've always been

smellier, we have a higher tolerance. We've built a higher tolerance. I'm going to smell terrible today because I can't emphasize enough how much it looks like I've been swimming. God, it feels awful. Well, we're going to go into the secret swimming pool,

the VIP swimming pool now of the Patreon bonus pod. The Patreon plunge pool. If we survive till then. Oh, God, yeah. All the best to you guys. Hope you are surviving, have survived the heat wave at this point. Yeah. Cheers, guys.

Thank you for listening. Don't forget the plugs, the album on Friday. That would be very nice of you okay thank you i just i just realized any plug we make on this podcast should be called a butt plug of course it should yeah yeah so so from time to time listeners you might hear some butt plugs from us. Please do come to the shows and the things that we've butt plugged. Yeah. Don't let the butt plug stop you coming. That's what people say. Until next week or until the bonus pod, goodbye and stay cool.

Bye.