BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 176 - About their uncles, about their jobs

Episode Date: August 10, 2022

the lads chat fringe and mascots like Renty the Square Foot, wrestling cousins, correspondence from Luke Ye Olde Apprentice Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's BudPod 176. 176. Please take some pics of the Edinburgh Fringe for me, Pierre. Where you are. It is where I am. And by all accounts, you are tearing the town up. All I'm seeing is how great Pierre Nivelli's show is. Well, once you're up here phil you will

discover that i'm the only one up here that's the secret um oh what a coup yeah i've killed everyone else and whenever you see pictures of a busy royal mile they're either from other years or if you look closely it's just me and i've done one of those pictures where you take it loads and loads of times and you are standing in different bits and dress differently. Right. So we actually, if we look at, so the BBC coverage of like Edinburgh festival at full, you know, back to full capacity since start pandemic. And we zoom in on the crowd. They're all like you in a wig,

you as a baby's head in a pram. Yeah. You as a juggler. Fire-breathing. You as an astonished American tourist. Wow. That's good work. I remember that a friend and excellent comedian, Glenn Moore,

pointing out that one of the most annoying things about The Fringe is that it's mostly like stand-up comedy and sketches right and plays like that's the majority of what it is and that's the most popular stuff like the cover of the fringe guide every year is like an insane like neon fucking like uh juggling freak with like nipple rings and like an insane face paint and like just going just screaming at you totally it really missells the fringe also any photograph of the fringe in a broadsheet newspaper is like a guy dressed as a jester on the royal mile juggling yes and you're like i never see that guy

that's the guy people are trying to avoid that guy That guy's like a ghost that you only see when you go up as a journalist or something. Yeah. The coverage always wants to paint this picture of the Fringe as like everyone's a crazy circus goblin. But no, I mean, the most representative Fringe guide cover would just be a lone stand-up comedian holding a mic in front of a third full room. And he's just sweating because he's so hungover and the room's so hot.

Yes, he's pouring. And like a couple of people are kind of enjoying it and the rest are kind of done. That would be a good and honest fringe guide cover. And he's pouring sweat because of how hot it is, but also the room is sort of visibly a brew dog. Right, right, right. He's visibly just a corner of a bar. Yeah. And they've separated it from the rest of the bar

with literally a flimsy curtain. Yes. And if you think we're exaggerating, listeners, that is a real thing in some venues that has happened to people who we know where they've just gone, well, a curtain shouldsy curtain. Yes, and if you think we're exaggerating, listeners, that is a real thing in some venues that has happened to people who we know, where they've just gone, well, a curtain should be enough. Well, I mean, you and I in our early days, Pierre, we

ran and hosted a gig in the basement of an Italian restaurant that was literally adorned with Mussolini quotes. Yeah, there were some Mussolini quotes, and there was a lot of weird, like, ancient Roman paraphernalia. Not real, but sort of made of, I don't know, plaster.

Yeah, very strange, that place. It's still there. It's a nice restaurant, but weird to look in the basement and find... It is a nice restaurant. Good ice cream. Good ice cream. Bad Mussolini.

Yeah, yeah. And, you know, the sad thing is, were it not for the Mussolini quotes, we would be naming said restaurant and perhaps driving some business towards them. But it's funny what a Mussolini quote will do for your marketing opportunity. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, hang on. My phone is deciding that what I wanted when I said, don't play this alarm again, what I meant, Phil, apparently, was play this alarm again in ten minutes. Right. Yeah, they can be needy. I just think if I wanted a snooze button, I wouldn't set an alarm. Do you know what I mean? Oh, no, no, no. I need a snooze button. I think you're speaking for a very small minority of people here who don't want a snooze button.

Well, you're the snooziest boy in town. That's different. It's true, I'm very snoozy. If there weren't a snooze button on alarms, I would just never wake up. I often think that if I didn't set an alarm, I would never wake up, and that would be how I died. Do you think?

Yeah. People go, how did Phil die? Oh, he didn't set an alarm. Well, like they'd say, how did Phil die? And people would go, oh, he fell asleep and he never woke up. And they'd go, oh my god, that's terrible. What happened? And they'd go, no, no.

He just didn't set an alarm. No, no, that's it. He just didn't set an alarm. It's just, you know, eventually you can only poke so many Doritos into a sleeping man's mouth i've recently been not able to wake up i've been so tired like i've been sleeping like eight hours or seven hours and i wake up like i'm so tired and i wonder i don't know what you think i've been wearing my because of the summer and the sun,

I've been wearing like an eye mask to go to sleep. Oh, I should get one. And yeah, but I think it makes waking up harder because you're having to wake up suddenly from a very deep, dark sleep. Whereas if you don't have it, the sunlight slowly permeates your eyelids and you slowly wake up in the background. So even though it's summer, you're giving your eyes and brain, eye brain, you're giving your eye brain a sort of like a darkest winter sleep.

Yes, that's right. And I've got earplugs in. So I'm basically in like a sensory deprivation tank. Oh, nice. Oh, nice. Oh, nice. I kind of, that's kind of dreamy, to be honest, because obviously Edinburgh here, very far north, very light, very early, very light, very early in the morning in summer.

Oh, interesting. Yeah. No, I have, yeah, I've got, I have a 50 pound eye mask. It's made of purest silk. Get. And it's absolutely. In a bin. I have a 50 pound eye mask, Pierre. What? It's made of purest silk. Get in a bin. It's one of my most prized possessions is my eye mask. Okay, hang on.

First of all, an expensive eye mask. I mean by price, not by weight. Yeah, no, no, yeah. And then it's like a weighted blanket, but just for your eyes. It keeps your head pinned to the bed. It just crushes, crushes your eyes like it's...

Just, I can't sleep without my head being pinned to the bed. Like a wrestler's, a wrestler called Sleep is fighting me all night. I would like, I would like,

okay, I would like that to be a pro wrestler called Sleep Yeah Who sits on your face like Rikishi Oh yeah Oh yeah I always found that gross as a kid Yeah pretty astonishing

That Rikishi would just stick a guy's head In his enormous ass crack. Still the largest I've seen to this day. Yeah, I wonder how they came up with that, where they were like do you think he felt hard done by? Where they were like, well, what's the Rock's thing? And they go, well, the Rock has a sexy eyebrow raise. You get a huge ass

fart roll. You can do a big... The Rock and Rikishi are related. Did you know that? What? Yeah, yeah There's quite a large Samoan-Polynesian contingency In American professional wrestling And they're all connected by a large family And so The Rock's dad was a wrestler

And I think Rikishi's his cousin What? Why isn't Rikishi in some bad films then? Why isn't Rikishi in some bad films then? He just doesn't have the attitude I guess He couldn't smell what the rock was cooking He tried All he could smell was his own ass Yeah

His ass smell was too overpowering To smell the rock's fine cooking I'd be annoyed if my thing was Having a horrible ass and everyone else got like a sexy flex and like being terrifying and cool i'd be pretty bummed out about that um even as a kid i remember almost putting my hands on my hips and watching that and being like like at like nine being like, come on, wrestling. This is just undignified. Okay, so hang on.

This eye mask, right? First of all, a very expensive eye mask is such a villain thing to own. Yeah, there's something villainous about paying a lot to remove a sense. Yeah a lot To remove a sense Yeah Or to remove a stimulus Yeah and there's something

I want to see less of this world And I will pay top dollar to do it Haven't you ever wanted to be at peace There's something villainous about it Because there's something decadent about it and a lot of villains are also just like ciphers for decadence aren't they just sort of oh right right james bond's enemy likes little you know little chocolates whereas james bond likes a just neat gin ha isn't that good um so it's quite villainy thing you've done there and uh what what am i getting bang for my buck wise that i'm not getting from say a one pound i'm asked that is easily

available um i'm glad you asked the comfort of the silk um the uh the strength of the band, the cheap ones, the band goes after a while, the elastic goes. Oh, okay. And the opaqueness of the block. I mean, there's no sunlight getting through that thing. Okay. So would you say it's actually worth it?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's one of my prized possessions. I love it. I love it. I cannot survive without it. I pack it in my bag all the time. Everywhere I go, I need it. I need it!

I picture you putting it on like Squidward. Yeah, I do feel a lot like Squidward all the time with when it regards to noise i'm always looking out my window angrily yes i did it just today because there's someone drilling i did it last night because someone was shouting i will just i'll just poke my head out the window angrily as if someone can see me as if the universe will see how annoyed i am and correct itself just a sort of a big frown. Honestly, that is what I did.

That is so funny. The idea of you going, lifting up your eye mask angrily, going, what is that noise? I hate noise so much. I hate it. I hate it. You really do hate noise What was the shouting last night? Noise pollution

I don't know, just some guy going And it was along with The clattering of glass As if throwing milk bottles Into a recycling bin So I don't know if he was Annoyed about having to put out his recycling or someone else was throwing

away his milk bottle collection and he was annoyed about that. So it was going cling cling cling cling cling cling cling It was confusing. I didn't know what was going on. Oh my god. What is it about? Maybe it's a climate change denial. Watching someone recycle.

Yeah. Livid. Livid. What is it about? Maybe it's a climate change denial, watching someone recycle. Yeah, livid. Livid. What is it about cities and towns that means that every now and then there is just like a... It's quite frightening if you really think about it, that somewhere in the night there's just an adult man who, for reasons you can't tell, because you can't see him, is just going... Oh, yeah. I mean, it happened a lot in America You were never not watching a man scream at nothing

In America And last night there was quite a few On the way back from King's Cross Shout out to any pod buds Who came to see my work in progress At 2 North Down There was a fire At King's Cross Station

Last night We tried to get back There was a fire at King's Cross Station, Pierre What? Last night Yeah, we tried to get back And there was an alarm going off at King's Cross Station People coming out and they're closing their gates And there was like one of the TFL staff A lady was shouting at a guy for still being in the station

She was like, get out! Get out! Like really dramatic Oh my god And the guy just sort of loosely walked out and then she sort of slowly closed the gate so it wasn't quite necessary. But the engine, the motor room of the lift

had caught fire. Oh. Hmm. The king was cross indeed. The flaming lift? The lift of flame. That's very lift? The lift of flame. That's very strange. The lift of fire.

The devil's lift. Yeah, so then everyone had to wait for buses and there was just some guy walking around going, I told him not to. And then he so calmly got on the bus and then blooped his card. It's like, how? How is that the same guy?

This is what I'm always... This is what I'm always this is what i'm always amazed with like especially i said this before like crazy like street preachers and people in the street like i can't picture them getting up that morning putting on their clothes but they do yeah you imagine that as they're putting on their socks they're still just going yeah but this guy was shouting or nothing but he had also gone to grips with contactless. You know, it's quite... It is strange. You know, it's peculiar, yeah.

It is strange. It's like if you see someone who you've just seen going absolutely apeshit on a roundabout just in Pret. It's sort of like having difficulty deciding between the crayfish sandwich and the chicken and bacon. Yeah, exactly. Really sort of sizing up the baguettes. Yeah, exactly. Really strange. Oh, that's so weird.

Also, I've got a couple more hours of screaming to do. Needs a bit of energy. I've got a bit of... I don't scream as well on a lot of dairy. Shout out to the PodBuds who've been coming to my shows in Edinburgh, by the way. You guys are absolute diamonds. I got some nice Kojis on the way out. Excellent, excellent. I had a Koji at a little music festival

On Sunday Oh, nice I was dancing along to Peggy Goo The very cool Korean lady DJ In Finsbury Park And a guy came up while I was dancing away and put his hand on his shoulder and said,

Koji. Which was nice. So the Podbuds are cool. Podbuds are cool. Podbuds are dancing to Peggy Goo. Yeah, man. Podbuds are always cool. Some good Kojis.

And I keep thinking to myself, because I introduce myself on stage right and i always forget to say koji when i'm up on the stage because i'm just thinking about the show too much um yeah but when i'm backstage and behind the little curtain i'm about to introduce myself and come on at the end of every show when bud pods come past me and say oh koji thank you or whatever and i go thanks yeah okay thank you koji. And I go, thanks. Yeah. Okay. Thank you, Koji. Um,

I always think, Oh, I should really do like a shout out at the start or whatever, or maybe, and I always think, Oh, but when I'm, when I'm behind the curtain,

I could do it. But Phil, here's my nightmare scenario, right? I've got six, seven, eight days in a row of bud pods coming to the show and saying Koji afterwards.

I've built up a lot of confidence that bud pods are coming to the show and saying Koji afterwards. I've built up a lot of confidence that Bud Pods are coming to the show and they should... Pod Buds. Yeah. Pod Buds are coming to the show. Yeah. The terminology is very important. And they should be addressed, right? So I think, okay, this keeps happening.

Great. And then my nightmares, I'm backstage and it's like, oh, people of the monkey barrel. Koji. And then there nightmares, I'm backstage and it's like, oh, people of the monkey barrel, Koji. And then there's nothing. I personally don't think you should. I don't think you should do it. I don't think you should. I think, well, for one, it's alienating to the people who aren't pod buds.

Forgive them their sins. And second, I think it's nice for people to come up at the end and give you a little i think it's nice that the kojis are whispered i think it should be like a secret illuminati sign i do quite i do quite like that it is it is like a creepy cult of sexy boys and girls or whatever it was that we said naughty little boys and naughty little girls. That's right. Dirty. Dirty little boys and dirty little girls. That's right. But yeah, I was laughing to myself

at how embarrassed I'd be if I was like smugly from behind a curtain. Oh, Koji. And then just like deadly silence. I have to go, never mind, please, back to the stage. Or you just hear sort of very exaggerated mumbling.

But what? I didn't understand. What does he mean by Koji? I'm not going to enjoy this now How strange I've lost faith in this show Already Yeah, you just

It's like a Sound effect called Angry Townsfolk I'm not going to like this show I'm going to fold my arms You just wait and see I'm backstage going Oh God this show. I'm going to fold my arms. You just wait and see. I'm backstage going, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. I mean, John Robbins of John Robbins and Alice James podcast fame.

Yeah. If someone shouts a podcast thing during a show, he'll literally go, not here. Which I think is maybe too far the other way. Does he do that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He'll angrily go, not here. Like that. That is so funny.

Like the podcast is someone he's having an affair with. That's so funny darling please not here not where I work not in front of the class my wife is here my wife is here not here podcast

my life stand up career is here not here um that is extremely extremely funny i would if i was a um a um oh god what are they um shit what are they called the fans of ellison john it's not aficionado but it's something like that The podcast devotee Devotee, if I was a devotee I wouldn't even be annoyed about that, that's such a funny Thing to have said to you Yeah yeah yeah

It's canon isn't it It's canon yeah, not here, that's very good I just say Koji and nod Because it's a pay what you want show and there's an option To sort of tip me on the way out, I do feel a bit like A Because it's a pay-what-you-want show And there's an option to tip me on the way out I do feel a bit like a weird vicar Grubby vicar

Yeah, but it's going super well, right? Yeah, yeah This vicar has little call to be grumpy This vicar's got a very satisfied parish All I'm seeing on Twitter is other comedians praising your show, which is, and your comedians are such, we're all such egotistical pricks that, like, do you have any idea how good a show has to be

for a comedian to come out and say another comedian's show was good? It needs to be good. So I'm, you know, your show must be sensational. Oh, thanks, man. I hope so. I hope so, yeah. I get up and I do my dance.

It's very sweaty. I'm hearing the word masterclass a lot. That's the word I'm hearing. Like I'm a lint chocolatier. Or like you've done one of those rather creepy online masterclasses where they've got someone where you go, how did they get Robert De Niro? You know, yeah, it's like one of those.

Hi, I'm Pierre Novelli, and in my masterclass you'll learn how to deal with her hen party um they went to say and not to say koji on stage do you know how they film those the master classes yeah well apparently because like obviously the thing that is seems insane is they sort of go you look at it and you go okay they got like robert de niro like you say or you know francis ford coppola or whatever and you go what what and you think okay i can understand that like look any celebrity is available for a price right basically fine fine fine fine however um very few celebrities are willing or necessarily able for a price to put together, I mean, 10 hours of lectures.

Yes, yes, yes. A lesson plan. A lesson plan. Yeah. Robert De Niro. Beyonce putting together a lesson plan. Yeah. Robert De Niro handing out photocopied bits of paper.

Sorry, it's smudgy. Using one of those overhead projectors with the big bright light and having to address the mirror at the top. Can you see that? Can you see that? He would have a good squinty face. Yeah.

Can you see that? Can you imagine how squinty he'd get if the light got in his face like how much left is there to squint oh his face would just become like like a sort of um um what like a one belly crease yeah it would just start collapsing in on it just one line just yeah like a guillermo del too monster. Yeah, called The Squint. El Skinte. El Skinto.

Un accidente. That's my only movie impression I can do. What's that? It's Pan. Yeah. Pan from Pan's Labyrinth going, Un accidente. Un accidente.

That's good. Un accident. That's nice. But apparently what they do is they just ask them the really well-structured questions and edit it really well. Right, right, right. So they have the lesson plan, effectively. Yeah, so they just...

And they just sort of coax. They just say, okay, we're just going to talk to you for ages and film all of it, and you just have to answer in the form of a question. Right, okay, okay, okay. Yeah, very smart.

I think that's what I was told by someone, that that's what they do for... I'm sure, look, I'm sure, like... Oh, God, okay. Yeah, very smart. I think that's what I was told by someone, that that's what they do for... Look, I'm sure like... Oh, God, what's his name? He's the very alternative director. His hair is a quiff. His hair is a quiff? Yeah, he did Twin Peaks.

Oh. You know the guy, I mean. David Lynch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sure David Lynch put together a hell of a plan. I'm sure he did a damn fine plan. I'm sure he did it all himself. But if I was a lazy celebrity,

I would just be like, yeah, just fucking talk to me. You figure it out. You cut it. Show me it before you put it out. There's your master class. Yeah, yeah. you figure it out you cut it show me it before you put it out there's your master class yeah yeah um but yes thank you phil that is very nice of you to mention my lovely compliments which you know as you know it is difficult to uh go on about them too much unless you are destined for success in entertainment by virtue of being an absolute sociopath yes yes yes there

is nothing especially in the uk yeah you cannot get away with you have to hope other people compliment you and point out your success for you because you can't do it or you cannot do it yourself yes you have to undermine it if you even try it's a bit like it feels like you're trying to boast in feudal japan yeah or like you're a genie like you're very powerful but only someone else can set you free like you have to wait for someone else to say the magic word yeah so yeah someone patted me on the shoulder another comedian and said great show man and i went oh and like my my shackle started glowing and like flying off and i spun into the air like that you grow legs yeah whoa whoa and um out of out of the sky drifted down glowing a ticket back to london i can go home now but how how was the fronge in general is it crazy fun is it good to be back the front i guess you were back last year but is it back in you know to be back in its full form it looks pretty pretty

close to a normal one i think i mean I mean, it's hard to tell. The numbers of shows is down by, what, like 400? I heard 17%. Yeah, it's about 17. Yeah, 20%. I don't know if audiences are down by the same amount. It's hard to tell. The Royal Mile was nice and busy,

and the Saturdays were very busy. Ticket numbers are sort of fine it's looking like it could be not normal but surprisingly close because i was very pessimistic about it um yeah well i heard that so ticket sales and are picking up and like yeah pretty it's good um it's good vibes overall um it's very nice to see everybody shout out uh to um alfie brown if you're at the fringe alfie is doing new material like whips over the next couple of days i think only and um he by his own admission he fucked up filling in the form so it doesn't say alfie brown the end of the pier at the end of the world.

It just says the end of the pier at the end of the world. So it looks like a really sort of like romantic play about an apocalypse. Oh, he didn't put his name on the form. Yeah, he buggered it up. Yeah, he buggered it up. So the photo is something else. So I don't know. Yes.

And it's on at like five past midnight at Monkey Barrel. So last night, me and great comedian, great friend of the pod, Alex Keeley, were having a lovely pint and discussing audiences in the Monkey Barrel bar. discussing our audiences in the Monkey Barrel Bar. And Alfie and Kwame Asante, another excellent comedian, an old friend of mine, was there as well. Good old Kwame.

So me, Kili and Kwame were having a pint and Alfie sort of burst into the bar like the dad from Beauty and the Beast. He came into the bar and he sort of bellowed very impressively to the crowd in the bar, ladies and gentlemen, about the fact that, owing to various factors, which it turned out was getting the name a bit wrong, there weren't enough people in the room

for the work in progress. Well, there were some, but he wanted more, basically. So he did it. He did a really good little speech and just basically everyone in the room for the work in progress. Like, well, there were some, but he wanted more, basically. So he did it. He did a really good little speech, and just basically everyone in the bar clapped like it was a coup. And we all went and watched. He did a speech about how, oh, wow. That's very impressive.

That's fringe stuff. That's fringe. That's fringe. That's fringe. fringe stuff that's fringe that's fringe that's fringe do you think the fringe could have a mascot um called um what would he be called renty he'd be called he'd be called renty and uh what would he be physically? A big financial document?

Like a paper bill? Yeah, like a bill? Yeah, or... A very long bill. Or like a big sort of square foot. A square foot? Yeah. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So like Renty the Square Foot. That's the fringe mascot. Yeah. It's Renty the Squarefoot. That's the Fringe mascot. Yeah. It's Renty the Squarefoot, and his catchphrase is, That's Fringe. He just shrugs. Renty. Renty, please. I want to do a show so badly, but the rent, the flat, it's 5,000 pounds.

It's not even close to the central. That's Fringe. He does a to the center. That's fringe. He does a big shrug. That's fringe. That's fringe. That's fringe. Sorry, kids. That's fringe.

And kids love him for some reason. Yay! Rant-y! Yeah, they love him. They love him and they pay him Because that's what he wants That's all Renty wants Renty just eats money And he poops tears

Yeah so that was Fringe stuff is happening Phil Is the headline Fringe shit is going on Delightful I can't wait to be there stuff is happening, Phil, is the headline. Fringe shit is going on. Delightful. I can't wait to be there. I'll be there next... I'll be there starting on the 15th of Monday. My week

of shows has sold out, but adding an extra show on the Thursday. So if there are any pod buds up and you missed out on tickets the first time around, I'm doing one extra show on Thursday night The 18th of August at 10.30pm So come along to that

Shall we read some correspondence? Yes we must really We must Letters Emails Phone numbers Your sister Correspondence. Letters.

Correspondence. Reading letters from people who like us. From people who hate us. From people who don't mind. Reading letters about their poops. About their days. About their loved ones. about their days about their loved ones about their children about their uncles, about their jobs

it's letters that was beautiful thank you about their uncles, about their jobs. That is really funny. I'm going to have that stuck in my head all day. About their uncles, about their jobs. Oh, Lord. Oh lord Oh it's getting warm

It's a warm Pierre Another heatwave is coming to London I can't wait to go up to Edinburgh And I checked the Just to get away from the heat And literally the day I get there begins a week of rain in Edinburgh. Yes, I've heard this. The rain cometh.

Whereas at the moment in Edinburgh, it's pretty muggy. It's pretty muggy. Is it warm? Yeah, it's warm enough that in a big room full of people, I am sweating a lot. Pretty lot of sweat, actually. The heat's a real problem. I'm sweating a lot. Pretty lot of sweat, actually. That's the... Yeah, the heat's a real problem. Yeah, every venue fights the heat.

Luke. Luke gets in touch. Luke! Don't be spooky. Yeah. Stop it. Hello, P&P. He says, love the part. I'm one

of a bunch of apprentices that have been living together. Oh, wow. Sounds quite magical. Yeah, where does this guy live? Skyrim? That would be a funny thing to... Oh, who do you live with, man?

Oh, I live with my fellow apprentices. I beg your pardon? I live in the guild. Well, of course I'm housed by the worshipful guild. That's great. I wish I lived in... I guess I live in a house of apprentices During the fringe

Yeah that's true Yeah Yeah Every flat in Edinburgh is a guild For the month of August Every flat in Edinburgh is a guild Isn't that right renty? That's fringe

Renty charge guilds renty it guilt money that's french yeah yay all cheering and running after him um so luke says i'm one of a bunch of apprentices that have been living together and we got the opportunity to go on a work trip all paid for for a week to gain some experience at a uni campus. Very cool. Lovely. What? Apprentice of what? I wonder. I wonder. I think we might have heard from Luke before but I'm not sure.

Right. I'm not sure. It's cool though. Apprenticeships are the way to go I think for a lot of jobs. Yeah. Oh yeah for sure you and I did just an unofficial one at uni by doing gigs constantly

precisely we were booked into an okay hotel but was virtually empty as restrictions had only been lifted for a little bit come the second evening we all decided to have a drink at the hotel bar hotel but was virtually empty as restrictions had only been lifted for a little bit. Come the second evening, we all decided to have a drink at the hotel bar. Very nice. Lovely. And for me, that's all it was. A drink.

Or as me as one of... Oh God, what is this? And for me, that's all it was. A drink. As me or one or two of the others decided to go to bed so we could get up in the morning. However, others decided to continue drinking. Come the morning, I heard laughter outside my door. I opened it, and one of the clearly hungover friends

offers me 50 pounds to swap rooms. Oh, no. I suspiciously decline. That's good, isn't it? I suspiciously decline.'s good isn't it I suspiciously decline Yeah No No

No It's a nice way to decline something Suspiciously No No Where was I I suspiciously decline And ask what's going on

They lead me down the corridor and show me Before even reaching their door I can smell the horrible stench They open the door And I immediately notice a cow pat of shit On the floor at the end of the bed Oh No How And I immediately notice a cow pat of shit on the floor at the end of the bed. Oh. Oh, no.

How? Like an evil Santa has been. Yes. It's not cold this year, kids. The Krampus. It's not cold this year, kids. Santa's absolutely furious. He's calling it bum coal, and he's angry.

At this point, the smell was overwhelming And I couldn't bring myself to go in So I wasn't sick but from my friend's description There was poo on the bed sheets on the chair And around the wall and on the wall Around the light switch oh no Oh Oh my god

Oh no yuck Like the scene of a pooey murder Yeah where the CSI turns The light on and sees all the poo everywhere, and it goes, vring, like that. Like that bit in Red Dragon. We found this absolutely hilarious. He claimed he didn't remember how it happened, but would you admit that you did?

Fair. But it did give him Give him a big problem Our manager made the booking So should the staff discover the mess They would call our manager And we also had to work that day Right So we went to work

It was only a ten minute walk away With him unsurprisingly depressed and hungover Come lunchtime he managed to slip away To try and clean the room He was away the rest of the day And somehow this went unnoticed. Good, clever boy. We came back, and he said he'd cleaned most of the mess on the wall and the floor

and used the shower to clean the chair. Oh, my God. Oh, right, he took the chair into the shower. Yeah, like a pensioner. Right. You don't want to use that shower to clean the chair Also like By that point

Presumably a cleaner had already Been in and just gone, nope Giving themselves A suspicious no Just looked at all the shit everywhere and went No Before even opening the door they could smell it through the door They just go no

No This is a trap However there was no way He could clean his bed and bedding So he put them in a black bag in the cupboard And just turned the mattress over You could still smell it outside the room Oh my god

Come the second to last day, so I guess this is a few days in, if it's a week away, second to last day, the sheets are still in the cupboard, and we're telling him he has to tell reception what's happened, no matter how embarrassing it would be.

But he had a plan. He did go down to reception, but he said that he'd left his sheets outside, and they had been collected, but he hadn't been given any new ones. So he got the clean sheets from reception and took his poo sheets out of the hotel in a bag for life, looking pretty suspicious.

Hopefully not for life, all the poo sheets, only just for the journey. And he put them in a shop's industrial bin around the corner. Oh my god. Somehow he managed to get away with it with nothing more than a faded stain on the carpet aren't we all in the end just that um i will never trust a hotel room again keep on jacking it luke

yeah i know whenever i go into a hotel room i still i'm under the illusion that it's mine and like it feels like i'm the first person to have ever been in there. And I'll get naked and I'll jump on the bed, rubbing my ass on things and making snow angels in the bed. And just grabbing my naked parts and just rolling around like, Ah, my place! My place! And then this moment will come across me and i go oh i'm not the first person to have done this yeah you think ah this is um this is what everyone does isn't it

um the comedian tom segura has a funny routine about that where he says every time he goes into a hotel room he says, now time to disrespect this room or something like that Well, thank you very much Luke I hope your apprentice sheeps is going well

Yes, whatever it is in The Dark Arts I hope your apprentice sheeps is going well. Yes, whatever it is in. The dark arts. Alchemy. Coopering. What's coopering? A cooper is... Do they make barrels? They make barrels, Philip.

Well done. Nice. You'll be a medieval boy yet. Very nice. Well, Christ Penelope, it's time for the bonus pod. Christ Penelope. Christ Penelope. Yes.

Yes, we have got to go to the secret fringe bar of the bonus pod. Of course. Yes. And before Pierre must return to his glorious fringe run, and I must return to... Well, I've got an electrician coming. That's what's happening for me today. You must return to squid rooting out the window.

Yes. But see you all in the bonus pod or if you are not a Patreon, which you should be, we'll see you next week. See you next week. Bye-bye. Bye.