BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 177 - Scone Boy

Episode Date: August 17, 2022

The lads riff eye to eye! Phil is a little scone boy. Regret and the kings and emperors thereof, covid, the fringe, the hunger games, it's all here Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's BudPod 177. 177, Fun Devon 11. Fun Devon 11. The Fun Devon 11 is a movie about a bank heist in the West Country. Yeah. And they just do it for fun. That's good. And is it all just like celebrities from the West Country? Yes, it's... Russell Howard? just do for fun. That's good. And is it all just like celebrities from the West Country?

Yes. Russell Howard. Russell Howard. Justin What's-His-Face. Yeah. From back in the day. Is Dawn French from the West Country? Wurzel Gummidge.

Dawn French. I think she is. She's got that vibe. Yes. Yes. And then there's what? Seven more people. Yeah. Then there's what? Seven more people. Yeah. But they're unknowns.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. And their job is to rob... Am I still recording? Yeah. Okay. It was on, right? Yeah, yeah. And their job is to rob... I wish I knew more about Devon. Their job is to rob a beach of all its sand.

And cream. And cream from the cream tea hut. I've told you my cream tea story, right? So many times. No, I don't know. When I first moved to the UK, I started dating a gal in Bath, which is in the west country and is the starting um is is the

setting of the start of the opening scene of um fun devon 11 yeah um and we were walking through the park and i saw a sign for cream teas and we were like 16 or whatever, 17. And I said, oh, can I get one? Because I thought, I just come from Southeast Asia. I thought a cream tea was like a milky tea, like a Hong Kong style milky tea, or like a pearl tea, or like a bubble tea. To be fair, also, you're in the UK now, and you knew that these people put dairy into their tea direct.

Yes. So, makes sense. So, why not? So just thought i thought cream tea was just a cute name for like a sweet milky creamy creamy and i thought oh this would be nice it's like a summer's day yeah i was like oh yeah and then and my girlfriend was like really she was already starting to lose like she's already starting to lose interest in me at this point she's already starting not to like me and she and i was like i'm just gonna grab a cream tea and she's like a cream tea really and she's like yeah well yeah i'll just grab it and we can and she's like oh um yeah okay

and i went up to this stall in the parking path and i said yeah just a cream tea please and i give her the money and then lo and behold she turns up with a a scone and like a jam pot of jam and you know where this is going some clotted cream and then a mug of hot hot tea yeah

and it's at this point I realize I've made a mistake yeah and now you're a little scone boy I've made a cultural mistake but I'm too embarrassed to say

oh sorry I thought this was a completely different thing and I don't want this. I just went, mm-hmm, yep, thank you, just as expected. And I picked up a tray and so then we had to like sit down and my girlfriend was like, oh my god. We had to sit down and she had to watch me

spread jam and a 17-year-old boy. Like you were Walter the Softy From the Beano I must have my cream tea Matilda So looking forward to prom huh No no no No Ow it's a bit hot While she Oh, careful. Hot. Oh, no, no, no. No!

Oh, it's a bit hot. While she... Clinkity-clankity. Slowly deleted your number from her phone. Clinkity-clank. It's terrible, isn't it? Because when you're young like that, you don't know what would be best because you go, okay,

I made the mistake in her eyes of being a little scone boy that was my mistake in her eyes yeah i i played i ate my scone for him so that's my mistake in her opinion right okay what's actually happened is i've made a cultural mistake and i didn't know what a cream tea was and i just wanted a drink yeah but then you said and you don't know because you haven't had all your faculties developed because you're 17 and you just go which is worse is it bad to be stupid for not knowing what a cream tea is and would she accept yeah the testimony of like where i'm from you know it's not like this yeah would she be the testimony of like, well, where I'm from, you know, it's not like this. Would she be like, oh, ha, ha, ha.

And then it's funny. Ha, good. Or would it be like, well, you don't even know what a, when you still ordered it, you're mad, you know, you're an idiot. Now you're a double idiot. Yeah. And I know now looking back that the worst thing is to have known

what a cream tea was and to have ordered it in those circumstances. Yeah. To be fair, the worst case scenario is that you're a little scone boy. And that despite the fact that she didn't want one, you appeared to insist on sitting down and very slowly eating a scone. That's clearly worse.

It's clearly worse than saying, oh, sorry, where I'm from, which makes me exotic and interesting. This is different. Where I'm from, this is full of Chewy Bubbles. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who is a great pianist. Yeah, he's got the leading brand of bubble tea in Malaysia,

Chewy Bubbles. He emigrated from the States. Yeah, playing that jazz circuit, Hong Kong, Philippines, the various US Air Force bases. But then he had a sip of bubble tea and he thought, my, my, this is a real mean and laugh. And he put down,

well, no, he picked up his saxophone and filled it with bubble tea and he sucked it up through the reed. And he made a little fun song on the way up. Bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble time blues. Bubble tea and blue. Bubble tea and blue, yeah. Yep, on, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, But I know now that I should have just fessed up.

How soon after that did she decide that scone boy had to go? Had to be gone boy. Had to be gone boy. Scone boy, gone boy. Oh, it must have been a couple of weeks or something. Yeah, she was mulling it over. Yeah. She broke up with me, she was mulling it over. Yeah. She broke up with me, I think because I was too boring.

Was it because, yeah, you were just too restrained and polite because that was the culture you were from? Because I found that people expected a level of behavior in the UK that I would have just described as rudeness. Yeah, and I guess I wasn't very adventurous. And I remember her saying to me you know because i want to do things like rock climbing and i thought what you've never said anything you don't rock climb what are you talking about i think but i think i think i think she just um she just lost interest she meant find it had to find a reason spiritually rock climbing yeah

yeah away as opposed to literally yeah yeah she wanted to climb the cliff off the beach where you're eating scones yeah yeah but like obviously not ideal but still pretty cool to be even trying to date someone at 17 what do you mean well that's good yeah i wasn't doing that oh yeah yeah yeah guess. My head of house called me a ladies' man in a speech. What? I was like, what? But, like, looking back, I dated two girls in two years. At the time, you're like, wow, I'm at A-level.

That's ages. And as an adult, you're like, that's two years. That's two whole years. I dated two girls in two years. I was crushing it. But I didn't really fit with my own perception of who I was. Sometimes you hear these things from other people

from the outside and it's as baffling as if they went, well, of course, you're Swedish. Yeah. When have I ever given you the impression that I'm swedish well you know you're always eating herring and stuff no what yeah yeah you look down you're literally covered in the swedish flag and you're like okay i guess oh i thought it was just a fun color no you look back and you realize it was because they saw you had a tuna sandwich once

they've just formed this mad view of you in their own head. Okay. Yeah. So that, yeah. I think she's doing quite well now. She's got a kid. Runs a bakery. Yeah.

That would be the, either she runs a bakery or she runs a rock climbing center. Those would be the two perfect, the two perfect ends. Just shivering at me as a teenager. Oh, yeah. No, if you remember yourself as a teenager and you don't shiver,

I think you're mad. I feel shame for things I did not only as a teenager, but as a child, as if I'd done them yesterday. And people will... and I'm always amazed when people talk about dumb things or selfish things stupid things they did as children and teenagers

and they laugh about them as if that was a different person yeah I feel still that I'm still culpable for all the things I did and that I should have known then what I know now you still have scone powder on your fingers. Yes, it just won't wash off. The scone powder doesn't wash off!

Really, you're that unfair to yourself in the past. Oh yeah. That's like therapy 101 is don't do that. Oh really? Yeah. You need to have Robin Williams hug you and say it's not your fault over and over again. Yeah. Like a real therapist. Probably.

Is allowed to do. Is allowed to do, yeah. Yeah, I've been reading this philosophy book and a lot of it are, it's all sort of philosophical thought experiments and stuff. It's good. It's called The Pig That Wants To Be Eaten. I've heard of this. So one of the stories is there's a pig and they bred it to really, to actually genuinely want to be eaten. I've heard of this. So one of the stories is there's a pig and they bred it to really, to actually genuinely want to be eaten.

And it comes up to you, you are a vegetarian and it says, please eat me, please. This is all I've ever wanted. Okay. Promise you'll eat me. Promise.

And it goes off and it gets slaughtered and served to you. If you're a vegetarian, who is a vegetarian to leave the suffering of animals, do you eat it because this this is what this pig really wanted yeah i mean that's the story on the cover but a lot of the other stories are about like continuity of consciousness and what makes you you yeah because and thesis's ship comes up of course you know we're all we're a collection of ever replacing cells with after what eight years or whenever your body's fully replenished,

are you literally the same person? What makes you the same person is the person you were eight years ago. And what it is, it's a continuity of conscious experience, a psychological continuity. And my psychological continuity, even though I have a very bad memory, is for some reason still very, very much tied into buying a scone in a park would you have too much psychological continuity but a bad memory so i've got the worst of all worlds yeah well does it not work for you like um i don't know graduating you're like it's like you graduated yesterday haha yeah ha, yeah. No, because then I'm like, get over it.

Ah, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. That is the worst version of both. Yeah. Get over that good thing. Remember the scone? I'll just remember all the bad things about my graduation.

Yeah. That nobody sprayed any drink over me. Yeah. Afterwards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. any drink over me afterwards. And that I didn't get a first

in first year because I missed, I'm feeling awful now, because I missed a page at the end of the paper. No! You didn't look at the back page. My chest just got tight. You didn't look at the back page?

For some reason, I didn't look at the back page, yeah. i just for some reason i i didn't look at the back page yeah oh no there's a question i knew how to do well i don't know my chest is tight now my rib cage is collapsing in it i kind of get that where it took me a long time to think there's some stuff i get that for yeah i know what you mean but you seem to have it like more powerfully um because the scone thing should be long enough ago and it's of a different magnitude to something like that exam page thing yeah yeah do you think you have if you had a memory of shitting yourself in a nappy you'd be like you idiot don't shit your nappy. Go to the toilet, you one-year-old. How immune to logic are these feelings? Well, no, because I know, you know, I'm not mad. I know that.

It's a good thing you said that in such a not mad way. I know that, you know, if you're a baby, you're meant to shit yourself. Okay, like it's your job. It's one of your things. Yeah. Whereas if you're a teenage boy, you're meant to be cool. Are you, though? Or is one teenage boy meant to be cool out of about 100?

Yeah, but then every one of the 100 thinks they're the one. Or that they should have been the one. That's true. That they were only ever inches away from total victory in some indefinable way. Yeah. I can't believe I've remembered that exam page now. I want to think about that for next week. You're the king of regrets.

I'm the king of regrets. I don't remember any victories. I don't remember anything. You're the king of regrets. Do you think there's a lot of comedians who, to be fair, are vying for the title king of regrets. I mean, John Roberts speaks of his a great deal. Yes. So if you're the King of Regrets, he's perhaps the emperor.

Yeah. I don't think an emperor and a king can exist. Have an emperor and a king ever existed? I think so, yeah. Two different, like... Well, it depends what you call a king. I mean, like, there's definitely been emperors where... Oh, they've overseen kingdoms.

Yeah. Sure, I get you. Garrett, our friend and comedian and friend of the part, Garrett Millerick, excellent. Go see his show at the Fringe. He also has the same type of memory. Right. Just negative highlights.

Low lights, we'll call them. Do you think that's what makes you a comedian? Because you can remember these little bad things better than other people, and then when you say them, all the normies are like, oh yeah! Ha ha!

I don't think so. I think I really gain absolutely nothing from it. I really don't gain anything. But you know what I find strange is that I think you're much better than me and better than a lot of comedians on stage at making people laugh using these horrible memories or at the very least like really you've got a whole bit in your show about um the dick bit in your book oh yeah yeah yeah you do a whole bit

about that like there's a lot of comedians who would never have the stomach for that no really yeah yeah that's what i mean it's like selective you know yeah for sure for sure um and we should say that we're both at the fringe right now we're in person baby that's why you're getting some sweet sweet 3d sound we're in person we're sat in my little um extortionately priced uh rental rental apartment um we've got a fake plant on the table here yep Is it fake? Oh, it's a real fake. A real fake baby. And we just watched

the finale of Better Call Saul. Which was very good. And we're a bit spiritually bereft. I am spiritually bereft at the moment. Yeah, we also ate a bunch of Nando's. Ate a bunch of Nando's. So we're digestively bereft of nutrients.

Just to stay true to the sort of Mexican theme of the universe of Better Call Saul, we got some Nando's chicken. Yep, we got some fantastic Portuguese slash Mozambican inspired South African chicken

for Mexico. Andale. Andale. Andale. The... I find Mexican food simply does not travel well. As in from shop to home

or out of Mexico? Shop to home. Oh, so literally travel well. Okay. If you order takeaway Mexican food... Yeah, that's true. They'll put it in foil containers often. Yeah.

And the level of condensation, Phil, I'll say it, it's outrageous. It's soggy as all hell in there. It's like having a little steam bath. Yeah, you're right. It has to be had straight out of a truck. Yeah.

In Los Angeles. The crispness is gone. You know? When it's all sweaty? Yeah. The crispness of gone. You know? When it's all sweaty. Yeah. The crispness of what? The tacos, say. The tacos are meant to be soft, really, traditionally.

Okay, the hard-shelled tacos. Okay. Whatever. It gets wet. Yeah. The burritos, even though they're not supposed to be crispy, they don't do well wet. Yeah, they get all sogged.

And you get the little sauce bath. It happens with kebab wraps as well. You get the sauce bath at the bottom of the foil. You get the sauce bath at the bottom of the foil. A sauce bath with the wettest dough, wettest pastry you've ever seen in your life. Absolutely, yes. You have to eat the pastry out of the the bath like it's a spicy oyster.

Some kind of soup thing. Yeah. Yeah, and it's like thick paper at this point. And you're all ready for you've had a burrito. And you can't tell the difference between paper and pastry. Yeah, you're sort of nuzzling it like a horse. Just hoping that this isn't paper that you're putting in your mouth. Yeah, and you sort of nuzzling it like a horse. Just hoping that this isn't paper they're putting in your mouth. Yeah. And you'll never know. And sometimes you know it's paper, but

you literally can't be asked to spit it back out. And you just swallow the paper. And you're like, I think that's a small enough amount of paper that it won't give me any trouble. No. And it was soaked in oil. Yeah. We'll be okay. And flavour. So that was our day to day

yep that and watching old Bobby Odenkirk do some good faces yes it's a good show and I'm sad it's over

yep it's always whenever I finish a series that is brilliant well it's bittersweet Pierre

it's bittersweet because I'm sad that a very good thing is finished's bittersweet because I'm sad that a very good thing is finished but I'm happy that I'm free. Yes. No more homework. Yeah. The homework of enjoying another episode of Better Call Saul

is over. You could say, Pierre, and I don't know if... I hope this makes sense, but if watching a really, really good show that has many episodes that you have to watch, it's a bit of a gilded cage. Hang on. Hold on now. It doesn't make any sense.

What cage? Gilded? Gilded, yeah. Gilded. So like covered in gold or made of gold? Made of gold. Made of gold. Yeah.

All right. Hang on. Let's break this down. So it's like you're in a cage like a bird or a prisoner it doesn't really matter bird prisoner tiger any yeah you're in a structure that will that has restrained you you can't leave strained trapped trapped against your will this is not something you're enjoying you've not requested to be in it you're not an exotic dancer in a nightclub from the early noughties sure you don You don't want to be in this cage. Got it.

Okay, classic cage scenario. But you're telling me that instead of, I'm going to presume here, steel or some Hannibal Lecter glass, plexiglass arrangement, gold. Gold, which is really beautiful and valuable metal. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you're kind of rich actually you're rich assuming you have some means of translating this gold that is right in front of your face and under your feet into material wealth right benefit you but it's very you can't because i don't know this is hard to get around but even though the whole thing is precious and beautiful you are trapped within it so it almost doesn't. It almost doesn't matter what the cage is made of. So it's kind of like, initially you'd think that must be great, but then you'd think, oh no, actually,

it's as bad as if it was not gold. Yeah, it might as well not be gold for all that you can do with it. Wow. But at the same time, I personally rather been a cage made of a beautiful metal than cast iron. Yes. Or rusty iron.

And if you could chisel a little chunk. If you could chisel a little chunk, you could maybe get some cash to buy some lunk. Lunch. In the original German. Yes, lunk. Lunk. Lunk and brunk. And so watching a very good show. Yep. It's beautiful. Yes, Lunk. Lunk. Lunk and Brunk. And so watching a very good show...

Yep. It's beautiful, it's well made, it has intrinsic value, but at the same time it means you are not free to do other things. I see, I see, I see. It's like being in this cage, this golden cage. Yeah, right. So I'm in a cage, but the cage is made of Better Call Saul.

Yes, yes, yes. Until I sort of watch it all. Yeah, right. So I'm in a cage, but the cage is made of better course all. Yes, yes, yes. Until I sort of watch it all. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm being limited by it. I see what you're saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's quite a useful phrase,

this golden cage. Yeah, you might find it applies to other situations. Would you get that from Daniel Kahneman, Thinking Fast and Slow? The golden cage? Yeah. Was it in that philosophy book you mentioned? It appears occasionally in very like advanced books yeah very difficult and clever books um yes yeah okay

okay i'll try and remember that i don't think i can really hold it in my mind for too long it's like trying to have water in your cupped hands. You know, it's not easy. We all forget the equations that we learned at school, but I'll give it a go. Yeah, I'll give it a go. I think you'll find it gives a lot more than it takes from you. Yeah. Yeah. So that's the experience of medical talk.

How did that start, this whole thing? Was it Meghan Markle? Yeah, I think it must have been i think it's megan and harry it was megan and harry talking to oprah right yeah yeah yeah and she said it as if it was this like incredibly advanced phrase was that it was that it or one of them or did i just literally describe maybe oprah did it or maybe you yeah i don't remember very dumb a lot of fun though i love it every time every time I'm so pleased when it comes up

now hang on I'm just putting on a really like what sort of expression hang on how can a cage be hang on

cages are bad aren't they it's a lot of fun it's a lot of fun to come up with as many different explain explanations of what a gilded cage is

it's quite difficult it is it's a nice little like game word game challenge thing yeah it's almost like playing

was it like Pictionary or Articulate yeah yeah yeah you can't say the things you've said before every card just says gilded cage

yeah that would be a good You can't say the things you've said before. Every card just says Gilded Cage. Yeah. That would be a good sort of Alty Fringe show. Yeah, it would be. It would be. I've been bumping into some lovely pod buds up at the Fringe.

Yes. Going to Pierre's show. Pierre's excellent show. So is a funny. I was weeping. Weeping. People are crying. Yes. weeping. Weeping. People were crying. Yes.

People were begging for respect. But Pierre gave them no thrift. They were in a cage of laughter. Thrift? Shrift. I gave them short shrift. Short shrift. Thrift is being saving money.

Yeah. Short shrift. What's shrift? A shrift is some kind of gown, isn't it? Oh, God, hang on. I would almost say don't bother looking it up here because the Wi-Fi in this... I have no internet.

Yeah, that's a good point. It's very bad. Phil's decided to have a combination with no Wi-Fi. I'd have a 90s fringe. But I've decided to pay enough to conceivably buy an internet company. Oh yeah, I mean you've definitely funded a mast on top of this building.

Minimum, yeah. Do you know what you think the fringe was like in the 90s when there was just no internet in your house and the only TV was like three terrestrial channels or whatever four. It must have been fucking paradise. Can you imagine not having the internet but not wanting it not knowing it not needing it well i mean you didn't you i don't know well this is a

different philosophical question but do you not having no concept of it ever existing and you just and your your your life is private private life you only chat to the people you bump into? Yeah. You only see... You're only made aware of, what, three opinions a day? Maximum. Maximum. And of those three, one or two, you'd be like,

Whoa, Jimmy, just... Slow down there. And they go, sorry, I don't know what I was thinking. Yeah, you're right. That was unreasonable. They go, I don't know. You were so opinionated. Yeah.

Saying that opinion to me in public. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Enough with the opinions. There are women here. Come on. Sorry, ladies. Sorry. Sorry, ladies.

He's having something of an opinion. Go outside and come back in when you're normal. Yeah. Would have been great. Go outside and come back in when you're normal. Yeah. Wouldn't have been great. Go outside, take a bit of legal cocaine, and come back when you've settled your nerves. And then all the reviews and all the stuff that we all worry about up here to an extent,

it's all just on bits of paper. Yeah. Yeah, not broadcast directly into your colleagues' eyes. Like in a sci-fi. Wherever they are. Wherever they are on Earth. You have colleagues abroad who, they can just tell what's going on with you.

Yeah, and also like, broadcast into their eyes like you've been found guilty of thought crime in some kind of like dystopian sci-fi future. Yeah. Or everyone's glasses like do not approach Mr. Phil Wang. He has been found guilty of crimes of the first degree in regards to thoughts. We're all in a comedy minority

report. Yes. Of like, yeah, reviews being spread into our societies, our communities. Yeah. And we just go around, look, I didn't do it! It's subjective! I did a good show! Everyone just looks at you silently

turning their heads as you walk down the street. And as you walk down the street you can see their little eyeglass things that they're wearing, wink red. It's like in John Wick where everyone else is an assassin also.

Disavowed. And they all stop. And he gets like a minute to run away. To run down the road. I think I've watched two of the John Wicks. That's something to watch. Three and four. They're really fun. I can't see where they can go after number two. It seems like a bit of jumping the shark.

But anyway, we shan't get into the reeds here. No, no, no. God forbid. But yeah, you're right. I mean, the 90s fringes sound like a sort of paradise. And they were like... Five comedians. Five comedians.

Three Hamlets. Yeah. That was it. Yeah. Only one show that went wrong intentionally. Yes, yes. As opposed to a franchise of disastrous shows. Shows that just can't get it together.

Yeah, but it's nice to be back here. It's apparently a 2009-sized fringe. Wow. They've crunched the numbers, have they? Nika Burns said in her opening fringe address, and I don't know what she looks like, but I imagine that lady with big hair from Hunger Games. Welcome, competitor!

With blue lipstick and stuff. We've got some fabulous shows this year. She's dressed as... What Joe is it from... Immortan Joe. Immortan Joe, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's got a big oxygen mask on. Yeah, sort of skull face thing. She's the head of the awards? No. Fringe Society? Fringe Charity. She's kind of one of the king's... The awards.

The awards as a company? Because they're... I don't know. She's in charge of... Board. She's kind of one of the king's... The awards. The awards as a company? Because they're... I don't know. She's in charge of... Board. She's a duke of the fringe. Yeah, sure. She's an archduke.

Yes. Yes. It's just her on top of the castle throwing four-star reviews out as everyone scrabbles in the mud for them. Do not become dependent. You will resent its absence. That whole thing with the water.

Yeah. God, that was a good movie. I need to watch that again. Great movie. Oh, a lovely day. She said... What a day. What a beautiful day.

What a lovely day. Is it lovely? Yes. Because I remember thinking, oh, a horrible word for that silver-painted goblin to say. She said in her big speech, after she said,

welcome, competitors, she said it's, yeah, a number of shows and a number of venues and so forth. Basically, we're at 09 again. Sort of down from the last one. Oh, yeah, down a decade's worth. That's good. It could be good.

Sorry if this riles some people that's if this riles some people up if this rub some people up the wrong way but I think it's good for sometimes things to be smaller I think it's good it was and what's amazing is if you think about that that means that it's this it's ten years smaller and all the rent was still tripled in price yes so that's like even more gouging from the residents and council and University of Edinburgh

than we thought. Impressive work, lads. Yeah. Impressive to gouge during a downturn. It's a down gouge. It's a down gouge. It's a classic down gouge.

We've been the victims of a down gouge. I've been down gouged. Hey! Just me, like, touching my pockets. Yeah, patting gouge. I've been down gouged, hey! Just me, like, touching my pockets. Yeah, patting your body. I've been down gouged! Whoa!

Yes, I was flicking through the free fringe brochure for the crazy free shows. Yeah. Much thinner than normal. Interesting. Thinny thin thin. Yeah, at least I think so. It's hard to remember what 2019 was like before the war.

Before the war. Yeah. The last peaceful fringe. The last fringe before a cough. The last peacetime fringe. Before a cough was fired on anger. Yeah. Now everyone's sitting in caves, coughing up a real storm.

You know, the fringe was started to celebrate the end of the war in Europe. And now it was restarted in the shadow of a war in Europe. Oh. Isn't that something? That's good the shadow of a war in Europe. Oh. Isn't that something? That's good. That's a good sort of pattern. It was also started because the main Edinburgh Festival

was full of opera and ballet and stuff and it wasn't for the normal and the people and the weirdos. I think that was the one that was started in 1945. Oh, that was a festival? Right, yeah. Oh, yeah, okay.

When was the Fringe? 50-something, maybe. Oh. Where all the festival. Right, yeah. Oh, yeah, okay. When was the Fringe? 50-something, maybe. Oh. While the freaks emerged. The freaks took over the city. Sort of spooky piano music. Like Nightmare Before Christmas. Boys and girls of every age,

wouldn't you like to see something strange? As we said, that's what people want the Fringe to be. Yeah, I think of... Leotards and so on. I always think of Hunchback of Notre Dame, where Esmeralda introduces herself to the underling. With a... And the eyes don't see. And they won't be around to reveal what you found.

Because it's like the carnival. Like pickpockets and... Oh, yeah, grubby little underclass people. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, well, that's what it was supposed to be, yeah. And all dressed as jesters. Back in the day when if you said, if you go to this basement at 11 o'clock at night

and just pay the man five pounds and he'll let you in, and then inside oh i don't even want to describe it and it would just be a guy in like a three-piece suit saying like quite rude things about the prime minister and like people would call the police then it kind of made sense you know yeah like all the cabaret makes sense in the 30s i've said this before when it's like, that lady is wearing a man's hat. Then it's outrageous.

And that man is wearing a dining hat when he should be wearing a performing hat. This is not right. He was singing a song from France. Disgusting. I think that would be enough. Yeah.

Now it's a carnival of filth And everyone's fine with it People are taking their kids to it It's all completely normalised People are literally naked They've literally got their The flanges out And the promontions

Poking out Flanges Promontions The squeebs Are poking out Squeebs Weenuses. The weenuses are

flopping about. The spandulas are everywhere. You can't move for a spricket. Spricket doesn't work.

Spricket is dumb. Why is spricket dumb when the others work? It sounds like sprocket sounds mechanical.

The others sounded more biological and gloopy. It's also very difficult to avoid tweenus when making up rude words. Very hard not to go down the old wank puffin road. You don't want to say cockwomble in 2022.

Look, it was fine for about a minute. One minute. A very short minute. We all had our fill of that poison lake. We cupped our hands. We drank. We drank. We continued. Those who linger by the lake,

they are not worthy of your respect. That was a bit William Hague. Yes, but I did escape the heat of London, which is nice. I literally felt my body get cooler as the train moved northwards out of London's latest heat wave. Like you were the mercury in the thermometer. Yes, very nice. An upside-down thermometer.

Yes. Where I was falling back into the reservoir at the bottom. Yes, yes. Yes, the cool reservoir of mercury. Well, it was good timing because up until you got here, Edinburgh was 28, 29 degrees which in a city built out of metre thick stone is

hell no windows no ventilation just watching a show breathing air that is tangibly other people's breath. Isn't it fantastic to think that there was a moment where the fringe wanted to go ahead in 2020?

Thought it could go ahead in 2020. Insane. Absolutely insane. It would have been like the Black Death. Bring out your dead, Improv at three. Just like a guy with a cart of corpses kind of also doing a little show. It would have been fucking insane.

It would have been a massacre. There would have been Chinese Communist Party sanctions based around the prevalence of the Edinburgh strain, like the fringe version of COVID. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the rooms are so small and stuffy and packed. I'm getting COVID nervous now.

Yeah. And in 2022, and I'm pretty relaxed at this point but even i'm going into shows going there's a lot of recycled air going on in here yeah well a few months ago i mean you know we're all bold we would have all gladly rollerbladed through a ward yes just thought well i can't get me while i'm rollerblading now it is very much like uh would you like to breathe directly from a covid patient's mouth like Like a sort of mad big cigarette. No, that seems silly. Why attempt it?

But I got COVID for the first time ever conveniently in time for the fringe. You did, yeah. You're actually the safest of us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're the safest of us all. Yeah. But all in all, lovely. They're the safest of us all. Yeah. But all in all, lovely.

It's good to be back. It's good to be back. Although, I will say, apologies listeners, we will have to do a slightly Kotea-led episode because we've got shows to do. We've got shows to do. And the fringe don't sleep. No, she is a demanding but beautiful mistress.

What's a good face? Beautiful mistress. Yeah. That's next year's poster. If you haven't seen, listeners, look up Phil's fringe poster. It's very funny. I'm so glad I went with that poster. If you haven't seen it, and why haven't you?

It's of me. I basically look like Florence Florence Pugh in the Midsommar poster which I love I love the poster so much and it's me wearing a crown of flowers

making a I've always been told to do a good cry face and I really enjoy doing cry faces and it's just me doing but I very nearly went for just me looking

quite nice and smiley with some flowers and on the last of the last minute I was like no let's be bold let's go for the weird one and that's what I mean.

It's like you're good at undermining yourself in a funny way in that way. If you were a truly arrogant or narcissistic man so worried about regrets, you would have insisted on the pretty one. Yes. Yeah, or the serious-looking one. There is, and no shade to him,

a real, the real pandemic this year is of comedians with posters that look like they're in ITV police dramas. I don't really know why they're doing it. And it all looks so serious. There's so many posters this fringe that look like movie posters. And I don't know why people are doing that.

It's false advertising. And people, I think people shouldn't be able to tell straight away that it's a comedy show you're in. Yeah. I came close, my poster comes close to that, but the cake face. you're still doing something

funny you're doing something funny i'm doing something dumb in it yeah um so it's like it's it's skirting the edge but yeah there are some that do look a bit sort of like seven o'clock itv yeah maybe more like nine a bit darker yeah not quite yeah some scandinavian looking ass Yeah. Not quite. Yeah, some Scandinois-looking ass motherfuckers out on the Rome Isle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wistful.

Yeah. Yeah, man. It's the thing this year. It's wistful ITV dramas and power suits. Yes. Those are the two big things this year. In my Kahneman groove that I'm often in, I was trying to come up with a name

for the heuristic, the bias, or the fallacy that causes people to make poster decisions like this. So making it look, you know, but looking very serious, making a poster very beautiful and pretty, but very serious. And you think, oh, look at this. It's so interesting. I'm a comedian, but I've done it looking like it's serious. And then, context it makes sense but then when it's up against a board of a hundred other posters it looks, it's lost all effect. And the term I've come up with,

the best term I can come up with is isolation fallacy. Where something has value and appears to have value but only in isolation and when it's applied against a backdrop of other similar things yeah it loses its value you get it with posters of the fringe that are white because on their own you go wow that's striking it's just like some text on white yeah

the beatless white album or something or very bold ah and then against this like insane rainbow wall of fuckery it just looks like a mistake yes like, oh, that's the electrical substation sign. Yeah, exactly. The rest are posters. Exactly. Or putting like, and I'm guilty of this, putting your name,

the title, and putting like a stand-up show or a comedy show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you turn up and, oh yeah, they're all comedy shows. They're all stand-up shows.

Yeah, that's it. I think it's because people get so into the poster as a work of art solo. Yeah, that's it. I think it's because people get so into the poster as a work of art solo. And they forget that at its heart it's a dirty little street-level promotion machine. You should be designing a poster up against a hundred other posters.

Do you think you should be designing your posters the way those hideous neon fly posters for rave gigs seem to be pasted everywhere? Where it's just like neon green and black no images just like i'm always amazed that people go to those raves with posters that are like on a railing on a motorway by some traffic lights yeah billowing and for some reason the only thing that advertises on bit on on railings by traffic lights are raves and traveling circuses. Raves, traveling circuses,

and if you're in sort of countryside-y highway, a Sunday roast. A Sunday roast, yeah. Next left. Go to the circus. Nice daytime. Go to the rave. Pills all night.

You crazy drug boy. Lovely Sunday roast. Yeah, recover with a sunday roast the next day yeah with the family yeah just caressing the chicken as you're just coming down terribly just like weeping over your potatoes

just having this horrible drugs withdrawal yeah but people go to those raves and they go to those they look like a thing that you'd put together if you were either trying to trap and arrest rave goers or kill and eat them I can't think of anything more suspicious looking than those posters anyway where are we at time wise?

we're out of time for this we've got to get into that VIP we've got to get into that VIP area we've got to get into the VIP what locations have we been discussing we've got to get into the VIP. What locations have we been discussing? We've got to get into the VIP rave. The VIP rave? Yeah. We've got to get our sweet neon dummies

around little chains around our necks. Yeah. Ten bottles of water. Five for sharing. Don't over hydrate. Yes. And get into that sweet rave. I've killed died ones from over hydration. I always hear about. Is this an urban myth? I don't know. I think it girl died once from overhydration. I always hear about... Is this an urban myth?

I don't know. I think it does happen, but I think every school was like... And the thing that was bad was actually the water. And everyone's like, what the fuck? That's supposed to be your friend.

She drank so much, she drowned. Yeah, it has the air of an urban myth about it, but it's... We've all heard it. It's a persistent story. We'll look into it.

Yes. After the rave. In the Patreon area yes which you must join if you haven't we've met some Patreons up here in Edinburgh

and they've all been so good looking and they smell nice and they have their lives together yes and their eyes sparkle like diamonds twinkly twinkly

shiny but see you in the Patreon rave or elsewhere bye boop