BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 180 - Papa!

Episode Date: September 7, 2022

The lads chat Truss, cheese, Gollum's six pack and fitness routine, Pierre was on RHLSTP, pointless arguments and PAPA! meaning rain. Correspondence from Lily and Michael's perfect poo story Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 180! 180, the new Iron Lady! Yeah. Oh. Today, today, well, when this comes out, yesterday, the Queen crowned a new Queen of England. Yes. Liz Truss, we have a new prime minister at last.

Thank goodness. There was a moment there when we had the same prime minister for more than three months, and I thought, hey, come on now, let's change this up. This isn't how we conduct this country these days. It got boring. Yeah. It got boring. Now we want a whole new flavor of hijinks and mistakes.

Let's swap out lazy and have crazy. Let's swap out lazy for crazy. From crazy to lazy. Yeah, I mean, yeah, Liz Truss is, yeah, they've just gone. What if the prime minister was not lazy and sort of a liar, but instead weird? Really? Really weird.

Truly the strangest politician in the country. I can't believe. I told you that when I saw her speak at one of the Hay Festivals years ago. She was in the tent before me. Much smaller crowd. And she was just so rude. She was such a prick to everyone who asked questions. I was like, this is incredible.

This is kind of intoxicating, actually. This is apparently her... I was like, she's never going to get ahead. But now she's the Prime Minister. Sorry, Prime Ministress. Prime Ministress. Prime Ministra. ever gonna get ahead but now she's the prime minister it's apparently prime ministress prime ministra um it's apparently her leadership style rory stewart worked on under her and was talking about how she likes to just sort of generally belittle people and be quite rude and um interrupts people in meetings to tell ask them them mental arithmetic questions.

Random ones? Yeah, just like, quick, 17 times 21. Really? Yeah, that's what Rory Stewart was saying. It's very funny. He was being quite cheeky about it. He was saying he... Liz Truss's dad is some emeritus professor of mathematics, so he was like,

that's clearly some childhood trauma she's reenacting on other people. Quick, Sajid. 13 times 24. Or Daddy won't give you tea. Daddy won't give you cake and tea. We've got fucking Miss Trunchbull as the prime minister

quick you whams do your times tables she does seem absolutely crackers i can't believe the cheese lady's prime minister the cheese and pork markets lady the cheese and pork woman is the PM. PM for pork markets. I mean, she seems like... Her facial expression is constantly the facial expression of someone who's just walked into an intervention that they assumed was a birthday party. What, an intervention for them.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like slightly wide eyes, fixed grin, sort of, oh, and you're all here. But also a very clear disappointment in the situation and an eagerness to leave. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not enjoying it. Not enjoying it. Every interview she conducts is like the interviewer has just interrupted her lunch she's got a face like she's just had a lunch interrupted yeah she was about to take a sort of cartoon bite of a sandwich and then someone went oh what are we going to do about the energy crisis like right as she was about to take a bite like a cartoon sandwich like a whole fish in it i remember cartoons would have

sandwiches with a whole fish in them i'm like can you eat a whole fish in a sandwich is that a standard sandwich imagine the risks oh my god just straight into the head i i as a kid I always resented... A steamed fish. Just a whole steamed fish. Between two slices of sourdough. Just falling everywhere. It's wet.

Just bones, man. The bones. Right through the bones. As a kid, I always resented the fact that things that were just very easily eaten as meat in cartoons were not in real life. Like fish. Yes, like a drumstick. Yes.

That was just pure meat. Maybe we've spoken about this on this podcast, actually. But the frustration of having your first drumstick and it isn't just a perfect sphere of meat at the end of a like a lollipop yeah like a stick bone and you sort of go well no i want to like tear shreds off it but i want it to be all the way through like a kebab rotating thing that's what i thought this was and they go no there's kind of like flaps and layers and a bit of gristle some tendons and there's this one there's kind of one lump that you sort of eat and that's nice but then it's it's the rest of it is a bit where you

have to fight with a weird mini bone enjoy enjoy yeah there's like a little trap bone here like there's a booby trap bone that will try and poke you in the mouth. Yeah. And fish are the same. We just go, I want to eat fish like a bear. And they go, no, there's like a trillion tiny bones. Any one of which could kill you, apparently. I want to eat a fish like Gollum.

Yeah. Pluck it out of the water, just squeak, squelch right into it. Like a bear in a stream like Gollumum, just bite its muscly back. Oh yeah, he splits it in two, doesn't he? Yeah, he just bites it on the back. He's not eating the guts, he's eating the top bit of the fish. Yeah. That's the dream.

Now on the Gollum diet. He's got abs. He's got abs, the Go abs to golem dude look if you crawl everywhere you're gonna get abs my friend that's a lot of core yeah yeah i mean that's one of the harder core exercises it's called like the spider-man or something that's a side crawl or the yeah crab crawl thing it's hard it really gets gets your abs going. Oh, man. He's going to be so flexible from like, he's always crouching, you know, his

joints. That's why whenever people are like, God, isn't it crazy how strong chimps and apes are and stuff? And it's like, well, no. I mean, if you walked like half the time on your hands and shoulders, like you'd have fucking incredibly strong arms. next time next

time someone says to you god chimps are so strong you know i dare you to go golem stronger like that what like half get out like really yeah yeah yeah like it's really like you've been waiting for this moment and like it's really important. Gollum Stronger. And you're really serious about it. I'm half getting up out of my chair and I've got one finger raised. Gollum Stronger. What? Gollum.

Gollum. Gollum Stronger. Gollum? Smeagol? You know him? Lord of the Rings? He's stronger because he's always crawling. And as I say... You weren't even part of the conversation.

No, no, no. In the separate conversation. It's some young guys on a train. Right, yeah. I'm on the aisle across from him. As I say the phrase, it's because he's always crawling. I'm not even looking at them anymore. I'm already sitting back down, looking at the paper.

So as you're flicking the paper back open, you just sort of go, because he's always crawling. Because he's always crawling. You just sort of go, because he's always crawling. Because he's always crawling. And then one of them goes, what? And I go, huh? He goes, what did you say?

Because he's always crawling. And then I shrug like, mm. why is that so funny this isn't it's like a sketch where i think you should leave yeah it really is yeah like he's yeah why is he annoyed that people don't know this? And he's like, yeah. They're also like, I'm so keen to intervene, but the conversation is so over for me that I'm not even looking at them as I deliver the line because he's always crawling. I'm already kind of talking to myself now.

I think it's so obvious. Got him stronger. What? Got him stronger. As I sit down, she's always crawling more to myself than anyone else because they've got to know that because they know yeah yeah they know once yeah you're confident that once you've pointed this out to them they can figure it out on them on their own own why he would be stronger. Yeah.

If anything, I feel like I'm just pointing out something that they already know, but they've just forgotten. Yeah. I'm expecting them to go, oh, of course, of course, sir. Gollum's stronger. Gollum's Gollum stronger Single finger raised

Half out of the chair Still semi seated Oh that got me Yeah Got you good Speaking of being got good I had a lovely time last night For recording my episode of

oh yes i can't wait to hear it when does it come out i believe it comes out in a few weeks three weeks were there pod buds in the house there were were. There were pod birds. We were outnumbered by the herring fans. By the herring fleet. Did you get a cheer going? Did you get a comparative cheer? I started a bloody brawl. Oh, great.

Everyone brought shivs like I asked, which is good. But still that was tough. It was tough. No No it was really good I don't know I'm going to guesstimate Maybe 10 pod buds

10 pod buds I think so They were all quite near the front So it was hard to tell Judging by the sound The level of sound of the Koji It was quite a small crowd because i'm not a famous man philip um and it's a cost living crisis we've all got to cost living crisis people can't afford luxury entertainments as easily

everything's going into the big toilet where the crazy pork woman is gonna fish it out and tell us it's still delicious has she got a lisp in my head she's got something a bit weird with her voice hasn't she a lisp yeah she's one of those people who sounds like she has a thick tongue

not necessarily a lisp but it's just sometimes it just sometimes gets in the way like that sometimes she sort of talks it is ridiculous it's just sometimes it gets in the way sometimes she sort of talks it is ridiculous it's a sort of weird like yeah yeah like there's something a bit weird going on there or like just just been to the dentist yeah very strange voice uh very a strange voice for a strange a strange woman um i was reading

her wikipedia yeah yeah oh well she used to be she was a lib dem as a student i think changed woman. I was reading her Wikipedia. Yeah? She was a Lib Dem as a student, I think, changed at uni to become a Tory, but she was like an anti-royalist. It's even later than that. She was president of Oxford Lib Dems and only changed in like 96 to the

Tories, mid-90s. Oh, right. I was reading her Wikipedia and she had a big sexy affair with another MP and destroyed his marriage but her own marriage survives to this day at least in theory oh wow when was the affair

when was the affair when was the truss affair around 2007 I think. Yeah, pre-Connectal Crash. 2005, 2007. It was with the MP who was her sort of political tutor.

Oh, yeah. Her sensei. Her senpaipai her senpai yeah um so his marriage did not survive that hers did but isn't it nice that we've replaced one massive shagger with another massive shagger yeah we're sort of we're but not quite as massive but still a shagger we have to sort of step ourselves slowly off we can't go straight from massive shagger to to girl scout but we need massive shagger down to mere adulterer yeah then as far as we know and then and the next as far as we know um allegedly and then next prime minister will be a real stick in the mud, ideally. Yeah, yeah.

Well, hopefully it'll be Captain Rules himself, Mr. Kirstana. He's my guy so far, at least. I mean... Captain Rules comes to save the day, but not in a reckless way. Captain Rules. Yeah. But not in a reckless way Captain rules It's boring, but it works Oh, I'd love a bit of boring politics Imagine a boring prime minister

I'm so excited for the very idea of someone who isn't extremely weird America went too far Went from not boring enough to literally dead. And that's too far. I think dead is too far. Old sleepy Grandpa Biden has been saying some pretty spicy stuff the last few weeks. I've been very pleased to see it. What's he been saying?

He's been calling the MAGA people basically fascists and saying, they're going to fucking kill you, like, to the public. They're ramping up the rhetoric. Like, these people are insane. Like, you know. Oh, that's good. Okay. They're no longer doing that thing where he's going like,

oh, everyone's very nice if you just get to know them. They're going a bit spicy. Okay. Yeah. Old Grandpa Zombies turning the heat up a little. That's why Ped um, that's why Pedo Hitler was trending. That's what the American Republican MAGA people

decided he was called now. They decided Joe Biden was called Pedo Hitler? Yeah, because he did a speech where he was like, these guys seem crazy. Anyone else? Anyone else think these guys seem like semi-fascists? Although, to you, doesn't Pedo Hitler sound like someone who really hates pedos and wants to kill them?

Yeah. Because imagine if there was a guy who went around killing all the pedos. Then people would say, God, I mean, in the pedo community, he's like pedo Hitler, that guy. God. Maybe take that out. I was going to say it sounded more like the strictest pedophile. Right, so like a grammar Nazi.

Yeah, it's like he's trying to marshal all the pedophiles into some sort of horrifying fascist unit. Like all the evil in one place. It would be very convenient if all the people we hated were pedophile Nazis. I mean, that would make life very easy. Be nice. Consolidate all of your disagreements

into one enormous Nazi pita pie. It would make morality, which is otherwise quite a complex thing to navigate, quite simple, I suppose. Goodies and baddies, Phil. I once had a very tedious conversation with someone who insisted to my face that good and evil were tangible concepts that existed

and could be sort of measured who said this who said this um this is someone right someone said to you that but like what like they were quantifiable yeah like like separate from their own like views and culture and stuff like what's the word i'm trying to say here absolute absolute they were like objective absolutes that could exist externally to a moral system it was very strange yeah because i was saying to them like yeah but if you were like an aztec then sacrificing some slaves to try and get the harvest to work like that's good that's that's a morally good thing to do you're trying to make sure everyone has food. And they go, no, but that's evil, though. And it's like, no.

It was very, very, it was really, really odd because this is a person older than me who is a grown-up, who has a job and a mind. And has experienced life in the world. Yeah, you think. you do really know some history and has met people who think differently yeah they think that it's swum through some shades of gray or but uh no they they said no no no that's um that that's bad and these things are good i said okay yeah it was so strange. It was like in Dragon Ball Z where they just block every sort of punch and you just go, I can't, I can't.

Like nothing gets through and you go, all right. You win, I guess, in a way. In a way, I guess you win. When was the last time you had a pointless argument With someone who didn't want to hear it Probably a while ago Yeah probably People usually always want to hear my arguments Yeah

Because they're so good Oh I don't know really i um i've had a i've had um arguments about sort of communism and capitalism and that kind of thing but i think i've told that story on here before oh yeah arguing with a guy who literally said communism hasn't been tried yet. Oh, classic. Real communism. Yeah.

And, you know, and then, and that, that really amazing argument of like, when you bring up how many millions of people have died

because of communism, people go, well, how many people have died from the environmental damage from capitalism and i was like what so russia and china don't have power stations you know and russia famously hated coal goods so the soviet union hated coal and steel and you want to go well how good was chernobyl for for the environment um yeah so the but but um he did seem actually to give to have to give it some um some thought

afterwards he did seem a little but we can i can never tell if you've gone through someone or if they just want the argument to end yeah they can sense that it's not going well for them and they just think i need to i i they they don't actually care about what they've just said they just want the argument to end. Yeah, they can sense that it's not going well for them and they just think, they don't actually care about what they've just said. They just didn't think anyone would ever... They thought they were going to get a pat on the head minimum at most maybe some sexual favors from saying it. Yeah, yeah.

Whereas instead now they're being schooled. And it's happened to me once or twice, but I would never ever recount those stories here obviously i wouldn't even acknowledge that this actually happened and if you try to tell me to have i'll deny it i almost sometimes you know what unfairly i almost have less respect for when you like people where you say like a really obvious counter argument and they go huh and you go what really well you have less respect for people who are who take what you what you have to say on board and have an open mind not that open mind so much it's just like when it's a really obvious like counterpoint that

you could have just imagined in your own head in the shower oh right right right as in like just like just sort of go well what if they're lying and they go oh yeah and you go really that didn't occur to you at any point right i see what you mean that that might not be the case you know no i know wow like that that to me is someone who's just like they've said something someone's someone said something they've heard it and it's like they found a hat in the street and they've tried it on and they like how it fits it's just that that kind of shallow opinion harvesting that they don tried it on and they like how it fits it's just that kind of shallow opinion harvesting they have never really thought about it

they haven't sort of grubbed through all the options they've just gone I like that, I'll say that I like that, I'll say that which we've all done at some point in our lives but it's important to admit it it's important to admit it sure it's important to admit for sure sometimes i'll very so boldly stay state a claim or opinion about

something and then someone will go oh how so and then in that moment i realized oh fuck i haven't thought about this one yet because sometimes you pick up an opinion just so if you put it in the chamber and you look and you go ah that one feels about right and i'll do the background reading at some point but then you're called upon to defend that opinion sooner than you had time to look it up in the schedule so then yeah so so then you go i actually believe this and people go oh but how come and you go oh crap no that wasn't sorry i was only going to research i was going to research that next weekend. So if you come back and ask me then. Well, the book's on the bedside table, so I'll text you

when I've justified this. But for now... That's the other thing I do with opinions is if I've read a book that takes aside on a subject and the book is um sufficiently long and required a sufficient

commitment from me it will become my opinion oh i see even if because i think it's kind of like a sunk cost thing where i've gone oh i've spent all this time in this book and energy on it i guess i guess this is what i think now because if i don't then i've wasted all those hours reading this book yeah well then what was it for if it's not what i think also i guess it's also like because i've read this one book i now know this side of the argument better than any other side yeah so it's a self-fulfilling side yeah yeah yeah because you go well this argument's got loads behind it because of there's the book is in my head have you ever read something and you've gone oh very good very interesting but at the end you're just like but nope don't agree i have yeah i have um's hard, though, because it's better when you're reading something you don't agree with

where the argument is still clever. Because you can go, oh, that's clever. I disagree, but that's clever. I can see why. Oh, okay. But when you're reading something you disagree with and it's just like mad, like complete, like plucked from the air horseshit, then it's really hard to finish because you just go, well, no.

And if you think that, then everything you're going to say Based on that is also wrong because you're basing it On a fallacy so why am I still Reading this and you just throw it in the bin Mmm But then you feel like you need to finish it Just so that when you do argue your side You can say well I've read the opposite side

I've read it And it's mad I've read it I know's mad and say i've read it i know yeah oh i know oh i know yeah yeah you can yell you can yell that across the living room but um no i don't i don't i don't see the i was saying this i used to i used to care about um correcting stuff and now i just let it i just let it go i just let it fly because of is it like a life's too short kind of thing or are you understand that you can't change people now um i i now i save it as uh for someone where I'll correct someone if I care how they come across. So like a friend of mine, say.

Right. So I wouldn't want to leave a friend of mine saying something that I know isn't true. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Out of concern for the fact that it's not true but also for like it's embarrassing for them to be saying something that if i can just say and then because they're my friend and they'll listen to me and it won't be as uh awkward right right whereas if and it's embarrassing for you potentially it's embarrassing people know they're your friend and people go did you know

pierre's friends and this said this dumb And then people go, that means Pierre's dumb. And you go, yeah, yeah, that's right. That's right. And then the murmurs will spread through the crowd, Phil. Yeah. He's been dumb the whole time. This brain

comes right off. They kind of tear my brain out of my head. An angry mob yeah i guess of the other extreme of that is like just someone on the bus stop who goes you know buses are made of cream and and you're like yeah yeah yeah well maybe maybe that's the other end right yeah exactly you go you just you just nod and smile inscrutably yeah or like um uh an acquaintance uh tweeting a historical photograph that is with the wrong caption yes yes yeah and you know them a bit you don't know them that well. The error's not too bad.

It's dumb, but it's not your problem. And you just go, yeah, whatever, whatever. It would take too much energy from all of us to resolve this for literally zero gain. Yeah. There's zero gain in it. Well done, Pierre. I mean, even you just saying there's zero gain in it well done Pierre even you just saying there's zero gain in it

shows progress I think well it's just fatigue I think I think I've just been ground down in my reality yeah I wish I could say this was an evolved decision that's life that's what all the people say oh the

ground life getting ground ground right down that's good yeah sure it's it started raining Pierre it's raining oh it's lovely and grey

and wet it's like at the end of the little princess where she runs out and it's raining. Have you ever watched The Little Princess? What is that? And she goes, Papa! Papa!

She's in a horrible orphanage and her father's gone away to India. And she is looked after by a horrible orphanage mistress. Oh. But she knows all these Indian folk tales, and so she escapes into Indian folklore while she's trapped in this attic. And the man moves in down the street, and it's her father,

but he's got amnesia from the war. And he's like, Papa, Papa! And the guy's like, I don't know who this little girl is. And she goes, Papa. And then at the end, the rain comes raining down. And the Papa steps outside. And he's remembered.

And there's a mystical, magical Sikh man who like a music box and a little monkey on it i mean they couldn't do it now yeah but but there's this mystical powerful maybe god seek man gives her a little nod like a smiling nod and and the monkeys or gives a little nod on their shoulder yeah and and then and the papa is like, I don't know, Amy? And she goes, Papa! Her only line in the movie is Papa.

Papa. So, Papa. What is, is this a cartoon? What is this? No, it's a live action film. Really?

The papa is played by the guy who becomes... I think it's the guy who's the... Isn't he the captain in Titanic? I don't know. I think he might be. Papa! And so whenever rain comes down and I've been waiting for rain for a while,

I think of the little princess and I just go, Papa! I run out into the garden and look up at the sky. Is it called Our Little Princess? The Little Princess. Are you sure?

Oh, I hope so. It looks like it's Our Little Princess. Oh, sorry. It is Our Little Princess. Yeah, Liam Cunningham. Liam Cunningham. Liam Cunningham? Liam Cunningham? In a dual role?

He's in Game of Thrones. The Onion Knight? Onion Knight. Yes, Davor Seaworth. Oh, right. Is he the papa? He's the papa. Oh, he got blown up and he had amnesia or something. I see.

He's a captain in this. Liam Cunningham is always a captain. Yeah. He's always a captain. Nice. A nice captain. A wealthy and honest aristocrat. Okay.

Chill out, mate. It's so funny. These old stories, you can tell that literature used to be so aristocratic because they aren't like the the evil um industrialist and the plucky young upstart is like the evil industrialist and the kind industrialist it's all like uh it's all like um it's all there always is the even good and evil all exist on the spectrum of of wealth still yeah it's yeah it's like you say the evil industrial the evil duke and the kind baron the nice little baron yeah because they just can't imagine anyone else playing a sort of role in things. She reprimands a chimney sweep. Jonás Guarón.

Who? Qui es? Qui es Jonás? Jonás Guarón, Elizondo. Vassar College. Oh, wow. He's very... He co-wrote Gravity.

Wowee. Who? Liam Cunningham? No. Oh, the director. Juanascaron, cabron. I've never ever heard of this or anyone in it or anything about it.

This is completely snuck by me. Well. How did you watch it? You must watch. How did it come up into your life? Mother brought it back on vhs one day and um yeah and you know you just end up watching the same thing again and again and when you're in the 90s in those days whatever's on cassette you just watch yeah rewind it put it on again papa papa papa that going to be in my head fucking forever now. Thank you for that.

Every time I see rain, it's raining here too. Lovely cooling rain. Okay, we should probably read some correspondents. Yes. We should run into rain of letters. Papa. Poo-poo. Poo-poo.

Poo-poo, it's you. Poo-poo. You did it Poo-poo! Poo-poo, it's you! Poo-poo! You did it, Poo-poo! Ring, ring, emails, phone calls, your sister, keep it fast, ring, ring,

correspondence. A short, nice, flattering message from Lily saying, I won't share any correspondence with you because you have too much to get through. Unless you fancy hearing about the time I got covered in so much vomit, it permanently put me off sitting at table seats on trains. Oh. Sounds interesting.

But she hasn't included that No she says Yeah a teaser One can only imagine what happened Something vomit related And I imagine it happened On a table on a train You'd think so

Yeah just swimming in the stuff Must have been just Covered in it I think we haven't read this from Michael Michael Do I spikele A bit of correspondence You sure do

Dear Poddington Peas Budpod praise redacted. Thank you. It's called A Perfect Poo Story. I don't think we've read it. Hmm, a perfect one. Yeah. They say it doesn't exist,

the perfect poo story. Well, it says, I've been a keen listener to Budpod for the past few weeks and have now caught up to episode 99, Stevie's Fountain of Shit in the Bath. Yes. Stevie's Fountain of Shit in the Bath. Oh, yes.

The really drunk guy who just fell into a bathtub and it squirted out of him like a fountain. Lying face down with his bum out, yeah. Horrible. It says, I've been holding off sending you my own tale for fear that you'd moved on from the topic before I'd caught up

but it's clear that the river of shit goes ever on so here it goes This is, in my view, a perfect poo story It has spectacular fecal fireworks remains a fantastic anecdote and best of all, I have no memory of it whatsoever Oh wow, she browned out Old Michael Best of all, I have no memory of it whatsoever. Oh, wow. She browned out.

Old Michael. Oh, sorry, Michael. Browning out. Oh, yes, he browned out. Allow me to explain. I will allow you. I was born with a genetic condition known as Hirschsprung's disease. Hirschsprung's disease.

Hirschsprung. As in H-I-R-S-C-H. Hirschsprung's disease. Hirschsprung's disease. Hirschsprung. As in H-I-R-S-C-H. Hirschsprung. This has many exciting ramifications on one's internal organs, but for me it meant that the nerve endings in roughly six inches of my large intestine were completely inert and dead and dysfunctional.

As a result, this section of Bowel was unable to perform its basic push-me-pull-you task. All southbound traffic was prevented from reaching its final destination, resulting in a terrible and literal logjam. Oh, it was a signal failure. Mmm.

Mmm. I was from birth bunged up bummed brain. Aye yai, aye. The fix for this was a fairly simple operation to remove the offending bit of bowel. But this had to wait until I was two years old. Oh. So what followed was two years of chronic constipation,

alleviated by soap-based suppositories administered every few days. Fun, fun, fun. Aye, aye, aye. Yeesh. Still the cleanest anus in the kingdom. Soap-based suppositories administered every few days. Fun, fun, fun. Ay, ay, ay. Yeesh. Still the cleanest anus in the kingdom. Oh, that's a terrible fart. Wash your anus out with soap.

At the age of roughly 18 months, I endured a particularly long barren stretch. That's another one of the kind aristocrats, barren stretch. Barren stretch. Very tall. Another gift from barren stretch, Mama. Oh, will he ever stop trying to woo me? I endured a particularly long, barren stretch. 13 days without a shit, my personal record.

13 days, Phil. 13 days. Unlucky number for some. He says, I was fit to burst. You could play my belly like a bongo drum. Into the hospital we went. To be told by a fresh-faced medic That a digital examination would be necessary Digital examination

Digital excreation Nice Thank you Digital In your bum place Yes, yes Digital in your bum place. Yes, yes. Digital shit on my face.

Yes. Well. Digital. That's a theme tune that they play when you start. It's good. It comes in through the hospital speakers. Everyone sings along. So Michael says, I was placed on my front and then the probing began.

Minutes of fruitless prodding passed. We haven't got any prod fruits out of this. The doctor says, very self-concerned. Nurse, any prod fruits? No, doctor. Damn it! He slams the table. Damn it!

Digital. Yes, I know! Then, Catastrophe. The young Doctor delved too deeply and broke the seal. Flew too close to the sun! I like the Lord of the Rings reference there. Delve too deep.

Is that a Lord of the Rings reference? And they call it a mine. Yeah, the mines of Moria. The dwarves delve too deep and work up the Balrog. Ah. And they call it a mine. The dam burst. A turd torrent straight from my bum

hit him directly in the face. Oh, wow. Wow. Yeah. Like it found oil. I'm a pool man. In there will be blood. I prod your prod fruits.

I prod your prodfruits. I prod them up. I'm a pool man, and this is my associate, HW. This is my boy. Okay. So, turd torrent straight from my bum Hit him directly in the face The fecal fusillade Fusillade Threw my semi-liquid shit

All over his face In his mouth Eyes, ears, nose And all over his shirt Oh la la He coughed Spluttered Stood up

And swooned Wow A senior doctor And so Michael Michael is at this point Like one? He is 18 months one and a half 18 months 18 months yeah yeah one and a half um a senior amazing yeah amazing power like amazing power and volume from uh well such a small child 13 days of pressure of pressure in a less than one foot long body.

I mean, 13 days of pressure would rocket poo out of an adult man. Never mind a compact child. And I guess it's all milk, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. All very loose. A year and a half? Is that milk or are they eating things? I think they're starting.

They're starting. They're starting to eat stuff um a senior doctor was on hand to catch the poor man and take him to another room to administer aid my mom burst into tears and kept apologizing i'm sorry he doesn't shit in our face at home. He usually isn't like this. My dad spent the next 15 minutes laughing his head off, and I, the miasmic menace, sat up, let out a tremendous fart, and arranged an angelic smile upon my face.

I have no idea what happened to the doctor. Apparently, we never saw him again. Yeah, he quit, he retired Yeah Perhaps he retrained as a lighthouse keeper Or a trawlerman, or an astronaut Anything to escape the memory of my stench The story has passed into legend among the family Told by my father with inexhaustible gusto

To anyone who'd listen Friends, new girlfriends, passing postmen It brings with it no shame with inexhaustible gusto to anyone who'd listened. Friends, new girlfriends, passing postmen. It brings... It brings with it no shame. I was young and thankfully my bowels are now practically bomb-proof. It's just the joy of a good story about shit. I commend it to the Bud Pod House.

No one said that before. That was really funny. That's great. Hey, me and Pierre here going Most good Here here Great story Michael Thank you I hope you both will keep on keeping on

And of course you simply must keep jacking it Yours I Michael Thank you very much Michael I would say that was delightful. And yeah, and shame free because nothing more can be expected of you at that age. That's perfect. Perfect crime.

And is that why he's called it the perfect Pooh story? Because it's the perfect crime. I think so because of the lack of now shame. Yeah. Nice one. Yes, I think that's, it is pretty perfect.

Yeah, good stuff. Lovely. Well, I mean, that's about the time that we have, I'm afraid, because it was such a delightful tale. Yeah, such a delightful tale of plops and docks. Isn't it funny that the story about the grown man

who shattered a fountain in the bathtub, that's probably the end of his marriage. But for Michael, because he was one and a half, he's like, ah, ha, ha, ha. It almost doesn't seem fair. It's harder to be cute once you have back hair. Once you're so tangibly an adult And a bubbling fountain of shit Rockets out of your bare bum

In front of assembled guests Yeah Yeah you should know better then I guess But it's the last taboo It's the final taboo And it's one that I'm going to break Dammit I'm going to change that I'm going to break. Damn it. I'm going to change it.

I'm going to fix society. Yeah. Thanks for listening, everybody. Thanks for listening, guys. Oh, last week I was on Have I Got News For You special about Boris Johnson as he left office. It's on iPlayer now.

It's a Sterling episode I think. It's one for the ages. Lovely. It's me, Ian and Paul, obviously with Jack D hosting and Janet Streetporter, who's a real edge really. She has amazing stories. Yeah, so check it out! Otherwise,

see you again soon and see the Patreons in the bonus pod. See you there! Bye!