BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 188 - Musk's Gambit

Episode Date: November 9, 2022

Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie chat Elon Musk, Armie Hammer's performance as Phil, filming in LESOTHO for World's Most Dangerous Roads (!!!) and G from Glasgow's anthology of jobby Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 188. 188. Luxembourg is great. I've just got... I'm literally fresh out of the airport. Yeah. I've got my bags. I'm ready to go. I'm standing here inside Pierre's door. Domicile? Yeah, but I'm on my way home from the jet plane. Yeah, Phil came here from the airport. Yeah, pretty cool stuff, pretty jet setting.

High octane stuff from me. I've just come back from Luxembourg, the famous landlocked, well, not famous, the little known landlocked country inside of Europe. I did one gig there, and it was very nice. Good gig. I did some local jokes. Jokes about the locals. Jokels?

Setting jokels. I did some jokels. Everything in Luxembourg is really pristine. Like all these buildings are so old. There's nothing, nothing was bombed. It was all in the war. It's like, it's all the original buildings. And on stage I said that I was walking around town going,

wow, these guys surrendered to the Nazis quick. No messing around. Yeah, just straight in there. They didn't stand in their way. They're like, oh, we like these buildings. So yeah, I said, it's amazing what can be achieved if you just play along i was worried about that joke but they they saw the funny side it might have worked because like no one in the crowd was even from luxembourg quite a few were about half of the crowd were

luxembourgish which is which is the word for them you know like luxembourgians luxembourgers yeah um yeah but maybe maybe is everyone else laughing double could have been it's one of those places that's so aggressively international it's quite hard to tell i think they're once years ago and yeah it's it's the gig the crowd of that gig was like the un yeah this we had people from brazil yeah. There's a large Portuguese population, Germany, France, Spain, Chile. But yeah, Luxembourgish is technically the official language, but most people start with French, but then lots of people speak German as well.

And so it's the only country I've been to where everyone will be like, every time a local person speaks to another local person there, they'll be like, bonjour. And then the person will go, guten tag. And they'll go, oh, and then they'll settle on Luxembourgish. Right, okay. So they'll do like a half and half. Yeah, yeah.

But the gig was good. The gig was good. I found out that in Luxembourgish, the name for child, well, in German it's kind, right? Yeah. In Luxembourgish The name for child Well in German it's kind Right? In Luxembourgish, it's cunt No Come over and bring your little cunt Oh look at this little cunt

Who's this little cunt then? Pointing at a pram Look at this little cunt That little cunt. That little cunt takes after you, I have to say. That little cunt takes after you. Do you know he's got a cunt now? No.

I haven't seen him in years. Yeah, he's got a cunt. He's got cunts. Oh my god. Oh no, wow. People from school, you're never sure if they should be allowed to have cunts. Yeah because he's such a kid. He's too immature to have a bunch of cunts around.

That's great. Oh lovely. He has fun time very like proper like Luxembourg city itself is proper like Europe. European city. It looks like you typed into one of those AI art things european city yeah it's um it's a perfect place for americans to film something yes set in europe yes like those netflix romance things where it's like he's the prince of gravia You know? And she's from...

Idaho. Raleigh, North Carolina. Yeah, exactly. Could she become a Prothos? A Prothos? I went to a castle yesterday. Castle Vienden. Up in the north.

Proper castle up on a hill and stuff. Proper castle. Real real nice real nice castle um drafty though this is the thing when i visit castles i'm like this is drafty this is cold they must have been cold everyone was cold all the time but that was true up until like the 50s i guess or even later that's why there's always put on a jumper yeah because they're like yeah that's that's what you do in the castle you just put on a big cloak you don't try and heat yeah there's more enormous frozen stone tube that you live in you just put on a big cloak that's what i always think when i see

those pictures of people wearing those puffy clothes from tudor times shakespeare clothes it's like hot warm hot hot clothes hot shakespeare in the summer what did he look like stinky what did he wear but they're just like these people wearing these like folded over seven times woolen clothes. And you're just like, Jesus Christ. You look at a portrait of Henry VIII and it's like he's got jewels stitched into the clothes. It's like the heaviest, least breathable outfit. That's the only one I saw in Met Gallery in New York.

They have Henry VIII's final suit of battle armor. The last one he wore before he died. Yeah? It's massive. He was huge. Big boy. It's a proper sick suit of armor because they've made space for his gut. Really?

Yeah, it's like a big old belly on this suit of armor. It's enormous. I wonder if they can estimate how much he weighed from his belly armor. Yeah. Just sort of fill the inside of it with putty. With gloop. Yeah. And mold it.

With butter. Make a big butter Henry VIII. That's what I would have at a party if I was a bajillionaire. Yeah. I'd have an enormous butter Henryry the eighth with loads of wonderful bread surrounded and people would have to scrape bits of butter from henry yeah for their bread yes instead of butter knives you'd have you'd have i'd be like wives butter butter swords all the bread would be baked into the shape of wives heads ah and you scoop up the butter with

the heads yeah maybe that's pretty good that'd be good and i would say to people like just people would say oh is the rain echo just get some butter from henry take some butter off the henry i'd say but yeah but depending on if you got a beheaded, survived, or dead. Yeah. If you got beheaded, it'd be quite small, the toast. Yeah. You want survived. If you're hungry, you're like, oh, no, I'm not hungry.

I'll just have a beheaded. Like some themed restaurant. Yeah. Our portions come in beheaded divorced and survived yeah yeah speaking of bajillionaires um uh have you been following elon musk's twitter takeover it's been quite difficult to avoid i suppose because he owns platform, and now we all have to read every single thought he ever has. Yeah, it's sort of like... Yeah, it's like a version of Twitter where... It's like if Bill Gates cared about what you were up to on Microsoft.

Yeah, if Bill Gates was the paperclip. Yeah, it's just a little Bill Gates popping up, being like, are you writing about me? Is that about me? Go away, Bill. And if you try to delete the paperclip, your whole computer shut down. Like Windows deleted itself. Just swallowed itself.

It's so weird. He is acting like a paranoid teenage boy on Elon Musk. Here's my question. And I know this might seem like i have a bit too much faith in in bajillionaires however if you are a bajillionaire like elon musk so many other rich people's money depends on you yes and those people are often clever even if you're not yes that they generally don't let you do totally batshit things without at least there being one reason for it what is that one reason i'm wondering i've heard someone

say that if you look at the 44 billion he paid for twitter 12 or 14 billion of it is like leveraged financing that means that stuff that was in tesla is now liquid because the debt's being paid by twitter or there's a bit of jiggery pokery or something right so that satisfies me because i go oh i see okay oh that's why that's the same reasonable reason for him to do to buy twitter a bit it's still a stupid thing to have done and he still paid way too much for it yeah and it's still going to lose him loads of money but there was at least a scheme initially at the heart of this whole thing yes maybe right because i just don't like the thought that someone with that much money and power can do something full mental and not even like their

accountant or like their long-term business partners go well don't do that it'll fuck everything up well well for one um of all the bajillionaires he's the one most likely to do something stupid i mean he's he's gotten himself fired find and what ejected from the boards of his own company for tweeting about stock prices stock prices um so i think if he's able to do that sort of thing he's probably able to do this sort of thing and also did you see those leaked well not leaked but i think they had to they became public texts between him and other bajillionaires who want to be his friend and like...

No. ...goading him on. Oh, yeah, they had to make public a whole bunch of texts from his other Silicon Valley, like, bros who desperately want to be in with him. And they're so lame. Oh, and they're all just like, yeah, you should buy it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then what if you bought it and you made everyone's profile picture a bum? Yeah, pretty much. That sort of thing. And you go, oh, no, these are the richest people on earth they're dumbasses they're a bunch of big virgins they are they do talk like a bunch of big virgins i also know that elon musk you know he's quite he's really bullied as a teenager and he's now sort of living he's sort of making up for lost time yeah with the women and the money and the guys

and the dueter he's doing dueter so you think he's doing a sort of Dungeons and Dragons Scarface yes so instead of being like a kind of desperate but tough Cuban migrant or whatever scarface was

he's just a big old virgin yeah he's doing it for all for all the virgins yeah okay i think explains why his following is so um i guess you could say virgin heavy yeah it does seem very virgin heavy and it does seem to be fair the stuff that's come out about like him trying to like figure out who to fire based on how many lines of code they write oh really yeah as in like uh how many lines of code did you write in the last year and the people at the bottom he was like well i'll lay off them first and it's like well no because they frequency doesn't equal importance so lots of stuff that's like anti-hacking and like moderation and stuff to do with

anti, you know, people just committing crimes. That doesn't happen as much. Yeah. So, but he's firing them. Yeah, right, right, right. So low frequency, but high importance. Yeah, they're fired now. Whereas high frequency, low importance, e.g., I don't know, rotating emojis a bit.

Yeah, that can take a lot of time. Those guys are on. Oh, gosh. Yeah. And he was calling in people from, like, Tesla to come, like, try and analyze the code or whatever. But the coding language for Twitter is not the same. So. Yeah.

And he's fired all the all the staff who understand it it seems like he's lost his mind but yeah i i guess i i mean like i in i almost hope i'm wrong that there's some minor reason that makes it make a bit of sense because i'd be fascinated to watch in real time someone just like eat a hand grenade to just go oh yeah well and then pull out a pin and go like popeye and in the process free us all from this dreadful hell oh i hope it dies so much everyone everyone's now tweeting about this like alternate website called mastodon mastodon yeah and everyone's like come on guys let's go here. It's like, why? This is our one chance for

freedom. Run! Run, you fools! It's also just like, yeah, we finally escaped that killer in this cabin in the woods. I heard there's a different cabin near a different haunted lake, just a little ways up the mountain. Yeah. We can relax there and celebrate.

And the killer there uses fewer racial epithets. So we should go get killed by him. The killer there, there's not as many annoying teens around. So he's not as angry himself. Yeah. So, I don't know. I mean, we're a bit trapped

because it has a use for you and me. Yeah, this is it. Whereas, the number of people I know we're a bit trapped because it has a use for you and me. Yeah. That's normally, whereas why the number of people I know or who we follow, who like, they just do it for fun basically. And I think that's insane. I think that's like getting into bar fights for fun.

It's such an unpleasant place. Yeah. And people going like, why would I ever leave this website? And it's a screenshot of some deeply unwell person saying something both stupid and offensive and you just think but that's bad i feel sad looking at that it makes me angry or sad and you're sharing it like it's the jewel in this crown of your life experience why would i want to read the ramblings of of these idiots because it

is entertaining it's entertaining it feels good to know you're less insane than these people i already know that next question but it's nice to be reminded you also know what a cheeseburger tastes like but you see another cheeseburger you want to eat it no it's not though because it's like it's more like a shit burger because it's negative it's not delicious well we burger. Because it's negative. It's not delicious. Well, we disagree on this. But that's what I mean. What I find delicious is like wise and insightful things that are nourishing to me.

Well, that's a steak. But the cheeseburger is reading someone crazy. But when I read it, I don't laugh. I go, oh, God. Like it upsets me. It gives me a righteous anger, which feels good because of the righteous bit. But then where do I put the anger? Well, you just sort of hold on to it and let it absorb into your bones and you carry it around with you.

Until you find a stray cat and then obviously you kill that with your thumbs. And then the anger's in the cat and you hide that in the woods so you know twitter i don't know man what is mastodon do you know no um well it sort of it seems to be a twitter like website where the tweets are called and i'm not making this up toots no toots that's just farts yeah exactly this is why it's not gonna oh do you see what do you see what james tooted who's gonna say that what adult is ever gonna say that it sounds like someone's trying to say tweeted that they've had a stroke i've been tooting about my gig i tooted and someone

you can't say retooted because that's too close someone double tooted it double tooted my toot they toot tooted it they toot tooted my toot that's shortly before you just get a syringe in the neck from a guy dressed all in white I'm gonna toot about this

put in the back of the ambulance but the to But the toots The toots I got toot Alright Okay There'll be plenty of time for tooting In the institute

The institute? No Is that like a very fast toot? An institute? An institute That's when you When you link your Instagram Oh yeah That's an institute It's fast toot, an institute? An institute, yeah. That's when you link your Instagram with your... Oh, yeah.

That's an institute. It's both at once, yeah, an institute. Oh, God. Am I going to have to get a Mastodon account, Phil? No, this is our opportunity to resist. But then what if everyone's on there and selling tickets to their gigs and I'm sat jacking it like some fool? I don't think it's going to pick up.

I don't think it's going to happen up. I don't think it's going to happen. People always say these things. It's like when Manchester United got bought by those Americans or like, oh, we'll start our own club. And that club is a disaster. It's the same thing. But here's my issue. Four times in my life,

there's been a new social media thing and I've gone, yeah, that's going to catch on. And all four times it my life there's been a new social media thing and i've gone uh yeah that's gonna catch on and all four times it's been brilliant success well i like to tick tock tick tock instagram twitter um and well i well no kind of snapchat i was wrong for a while about snapchat and then i was right again yeah but all these times if i'd been on there early enough instead of sitting and watching going fools then i would have had that like first mover advantage yeah like how people who are on twitter from the very start have got way too many followers for what they tweet right yes yes yes early on like some of the people who

are like oh you gotta follow him it's just like a guy he's a dentist but he got retweeted once by stephen fry in 2009 early early early doors and now you're just reading tweets about um caps yeah exactly and for some reason this guy's got like 300k you go how oh so i thought that you want to be on there early enough so that you've just like, even if you never gain followers quickly, you've just had so much longer. You know? Yep. So every time a new thing comes along like Mastodon and my instinct is to go, yeah, no thanks. I have this little voice in the back of my head going, you're the guy who keeps turning down Harry Potter. I see.

You're the dipshit who keeps going, electric guitar? Sounds dangerous. I just think it sounds too unwieldy this Macedonian thing, because when you sign up you have to you have to join like a clan essentially. So yes, it could be. Like a team. Well, almost like, it's almost like joining a hashtag permanently, so like comedy or UK comedy. Oh. Or Wales or Manchester United. Okay. It sounds like I could filter out a lot of people I'm not interested in that way, though.

But then everyone... Everyone's filtering. But then everyone interacts with each other as if those groups weren't that important in the end. So it just feels a little unwieldy. Also, it's quite a bad name, Mastodon. It is a bad name. And Toots is just absurd. I mean, they have to go through a lot of rebranding and restructuring to...

And all its servers are currently failing, or are currently down because a lot of people... People actually joined. That's true. But I mean, it seems to be like a protest join. I don't think they're actually going to carry through with using it Oh god

Because a bunch of those right wing nutters went and joined Nazi.net or whatever it was That happened Is this in Macedon just going to be like softboy.com now Is it for all the soft people Is it for all the soft people Is it for all the sensitive people Is it for all the sensitive people

Are they going to rename them wines Wines, yes I did a wine I whined earlier about this I re-whined your wine I like your wine so much that I'm whining about it now I think a social media website called Wine Would genuinely be very successful in the UK

Yeah, yeah, yeah, whinge Whinge Yeah, re-whinge Yes, this is better called wine would genuinely be very successful in the uk yeah yeah yeah whinge whinge yeah yes this is better this is better than macedon re-whinge re-whinge sub-whinge sub-whinge i was sub-whinging about something yeah that's this is good this is it tracks perfectly with the verb tweeting yes it does because there tends to be whinges justified or unjustified yeah hmm whinge eh is this like uh the scene that's gonna be like portrayed in our version of the movie the social network right which would be called the bud pod yeah who would play you um um army hammer army hammer yeah yeah can i also be played by Armie Hammer yes

really difficult challenging role for him he has to play both of us it takes a long time to film they do a lot of Lord of the Rings style split screen stuff yeah and some skin shading

tasteful skin shading what would happen if like let's say someone made a movie where you in real life were in the movie like as a character but you were played by someone else right what would happen if you were played by army hammer with your consent would it still be as controversial interesting Interesting. Because they're like, it's completely unacceptable for Armie Hammer to pretend to be Chinese Malaysian in any way. Yeah. And then you were like,

no, no, no, this was my idea. I asked for this. I insisted. It's the only reason the film's getting made. Yeah. Where people then go, but you shouldn't have done... I think so, yeah.

I think the clap back would still be, this is not right, and Phil Wang has internalized white supremacy or something like this. Really? Yeah, of course. It wouldn't be enough. I'd get flack for being self-hating or something. Do you think?

Yeah, of course. Well, no, you definitely, obviously you would get flack. But do you think that, how much air would you think it would take out of the balloon that would otherwise be there? There would still be some air in would still be how much air would it take out of the outrage balloon if i said if you were like no no i insisted on this and i think it's great oh that's fine and that's what i want but my parents are played by my actual parents like in my it's really odd and it's really unsettling is the movie itself good yeah oh okay that makes things complicated that's true but like let's let's say the movie's great and and like first of all people are like army hammer isn't he a cannibal or whatever like

all that's the stuff with his like slightly odd fetishes yeah and then people go if you think you're outraged about that wait till you see who he's playing it would be a real roller coaster ride it would it would and i'm here for it as they say i would love i'm here for it pierre gross i'm here for it we we stan stan A yellow face cannibal Is that what you would start saying? Yes Cannibal representation Matters

I think that genuinely was something that came up On Twitter the other day Cannibal representation? Yeah someone being like pro Great It breaks people's brains this thing impossible to tell when it comes to a great deal of twitter um to what extent anyone's joking i find yes because sometimes you'll read something and you'll go oh come on then you go oh

i've been tricked by a joke yeah and sometimes you'll read it and go, wait, what? And you'll click through to their profile and you'll be like, no, no, no. Like scrolling through. Yeah, they meant this. They meant every word. Do you ever see that you have a new follower and you click through and you think, I wish you didn't follow me?

No, I don't. I don't check on my followers. No, I was going to say, of course you don't I don't check All my followers No I was going to say Of course you don't It has nothing to do with me It's none of my business You approach Your Twitter account Like you approach

The weather directly Above your house Yeah In that it definitely Affects you That's right But you're like Well what can you do

There's nothing I can do Well And it's silly To get angry about it And it's silly to add to it oh i add to it yeah i i got a follower within the last few weeks and i clicked through to their profile and i was like oh there's sometimes someone follows you and you look at their profile and you think they're gonna tweet angrily at me about something within the next few months um profile picture had um cross

of saint george in it a sports car were they bald and sitting outside it was that flavor yeah although i got an angry tweet we got an angry tweet once because someone followed us who was like a full-on like has drunk the kool-aid celtic nationalist yeah i think i remember and i don't just mean like a political person i mean like a full-on like there's something magical about celts and that is more magic than other races but i'm not racist i just love fiddle music and you go and they're the kind of people who would write long quite intense letters about druids to my old university department oh really yeah yeah yeah these people are not well and they fail to see that what they're suggesting is a form of racial exceptionalism yes but they think they can get

away with it because fiddly diddly diddly cats and it's not true and i think they're wrong and anyway i got followed and so did bud pod by one of these accounts like a really like a you know when someone's holding up a big fish looking shocked uh-huh like what a specimen oh that's you holding this account yeah yeah wow yeah all it tick tick tick drew its fucking celtic symbol bio image like loads of flags i was like uh-oh yeah because i already knew like and they were saying like oh i just discovered bud pod flags i was like uh-oh yeah because i already knew like because and they were saying like oh i just discovered bud pod and i was like well they've got 50 something episodes before we make fun of the snp quite a lot and at that point they'll tweet

oh i don't know very disappointed disappointed very disappointed to hear you make fun of the thing i like and not just the things i don't like disappointed must be my most infuriating thing i guess it comes from like your parents calling i'm not angry i'm disappointed but also it's it's the most arrogant one to say yeah yeah who are you to have had any expectations whatsoever yeah you were promised nothing disappointed like it's our duty to agree with someone yes that's right i'm disappointed to discover that unlike me you are flawed said the god king yeah yeah but i was genuinely like i almost timed it perfectly i was like okay well they're gonna send an annoying tweet in five weeks i knew it would happen and i was so close to being like maybe i could just remove them as a follower now but i didn't and it did happen it did really yeah yeah yeah and i just went oh there it is i remember you right on time

yeah right on time mute mute mute mute i don't care about this muted muted oh you got to mute yeah you gotta mute everybody make the whole website pointless. Mute everyone so you can see their thoughts and then you wonder why you have an account in the first place. I only get notifications from people who follow me. Yeah, that's nice. Which is good. I leave more open so that I can see praise. I want to see people say they like me.

But then if they like me that much, follow me. Do you know what? Because otherwise I get annoyed because they tweet and they go, they saw Pierre, the fucking chuckle bucket last night. Yeah. Laughed so much, a load of piss came out. Wow, my new favorite comedian. No, follow.

You go, well, that's useless to me, isn't it? Because you can't see when I'm back in your town. You can't see when I'm doing a show So It's my weird Slightly narcissistic indirect way To try and incentivise a follow Oh yeah that's smart

Speaking of follows I got a koji at the end of the Luxembourg gig Yes yes yes A Luxembourgish Luxembourgian pod bud the Luxembourg gig. Yes, yes, yes, yes. A Luxembourgish, Luxembourgian pod bud. A Luxembud pod. A Luxempod, yes. Yeah.

Yeah, he shouted at Koji just as I left stage, which was lovely. Yes. Shout out to all our Luxembourg listeners. Yeah, it might just be him. Sure. But still.

Statistically, wow. Yeah, incredible. As a percentage of the population of Luxembourg. To have broken Luxembourg. Everyone dreams of doing it, but few achieve it. It's hard to be big in Luxembourg. Yeah. Well, it's easy, actually, spatially.

It's easy proportionately, but it's hard physically. Yeah. Because you won't fit. Mm. Mm. Phil did a little burp there. Just a little quiet stuff. An internal one.

I forgot to mention it weeks ago, but I did get a Koji. I think maybe I mentioned it on the Patreon. I got a Koji on a night out, a rare night out. Oh. Someone said get Koji. Was it on the DJ? On the dance floor? You're on the dance floor?

Yeah, the whole club No it was as I was walking down I was walking up Upper street And a guy was rolling himself A fag Outside a pub Lovely but bad for you

Lovely but bad for you Yes So thank you to them belatedly belatedly a co-director in Luxembourg I wonder could you think that now that also

by the way it's on British Comedy Guide and Chortle what we were filming do you think we can talk about it oh is it yeah it's just on the internet now oh I didn't see that

yeah take a look take a look take a look at this website but yes well it's got info you might like while phil is looking thank you to all the people who say koji and stuff or say it afterwards also thank you to the people who say it koji and our budpod fans who saw me at the comedy den in bristol the other wednesday thank you for that um and thanks for chatting afterwards that was very nice um indeed um have there been any other ones oh yeah here we go yeah it's announced do you think we can talk about it

well yeah if it's on if it's on total It's on the fucking internet, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, the thing that we were doing, guys, is we were filming in Lesotho. We're filming in Lesotho. We are in the next upcoming series of World's Most Dangerous Roads on Dave. It's very exciting. Budpod on the road. Budpod on the road. Can you imagine it?

We drive around Lesotho, which is a country inside of South Africa. Completely landlocked by South Africa, but not part of South Africa. Independent country. Kingdom. It's the Vatican of South Africa. It's the South Vatican. It's the South Vatican. It's the South Vatican. It's the Vatican of South Africa It's the South Vatica It's the South Vatican It is also like the Vatican In the sense that it's one of the few places

Completely enclosed by a country And it is one of the last Catholic monarchies There aren't that many Catholic monarchies around Oh, I did not appreciate that at the time Yes, let's see the third But yes, it was a real adventure and it was interesting to see pierre in his um sort of quasi uh uh native element yeah not my native land but my native geographical area of the world yes but it was very interesting because you've never been driven by me. So that was new.

Yes. I've never seen you quite as stressed. There was one stretch I was very, very stressed about, which I imagine will make the edit. It was funny, man. And also, you've never been to Sub-Saharan Africa. No, I've never been to Sub-Saharan Africa. That was my first time ever. It's airing in the new year early in the new year does it say when it's airing it says early in the new year early in the new year oh yes it will air in the new year so presumably

jan feb right one would presume jan feb 2023 so keep eyes and ears out for phil and pierre on the road in Lesotho On the world's most dangerous road It was quite easy to film for us I think because of Budpod It was basically like Budpod on the road Like danger Budpod It was yeah Active Budpod

So if you guys ever wanted a filmed version of the podcast This is the closest you're going to get Pretty much And the themes of the episode are The roads we're on and Lesotho Yes we weren't allowed to do any correspondence I'm afraid no no no the correspondence were the people we met I suppose

they were correspondence they didn't know it but they were hive correspondence yes yes that's true they yeah yeah if only they'd known if only we'd had some way to communicate to them that they should be talking to us about shit instead of you know interesting local tidbits If only they'd known. If only we'd had somewhere to communicate to them that they should be talking to us about shit.

Instead of, you know, interesting local tidbits. And we did some pretty cool... We won't do any spoilers for what we got up to, but we did some pretty cool stunts. Yes. Pretty dangerous stunts. I shot Pierre. Phil shot me. And I was shot at.

Yes. Two stunts, technically. Two impressive stunts. Two simultaneous stunts. But I'm excited for you guys to see it. I'm excited to see it myself, TBH. Yeah, I think it'll fucking rule. I hope I look nice.

I hope I look nice. I saw some of the, as you know, Phil, I've been moonlighting on a different podcast. Oh, of course, yes. SAS Rogue Heroes Obsessed With. Yeah. SAS Rogue Heroes, comma, Obsessed With. Brackets Obsessed With, brackets I am.

And are you obsessed? I was obsessed. Now the series is over. So I guess I can't still be obsessed. No, no, no. That would be unhealthy. But I would like to be obsessed with series two. Great. Looking forward to being obsessed with series two. Hopefully, yeah. But I would like to be obsessed with Series 2. Great.

Looking forward to being obsessed with Series 2. Hopefully, yeah. But I was definitely obsessed with Series 1, along with Spencer Matthews and Lucy Betridge Dyson. But they released a little clip of me correcting Spencer on saying Lieutenant. Yes, I watched that clip, yeah. I look pregnant.

I look like a big blue pregnant woman. Oh, I didn't think that. Really? Do you think so? Well, because I was sat in this low chair and i was like oh i really this this t-shirt's not it's like kept like riding up on like my belly and i was like and the trouble is that because spencer matthews is essentially like a drawing of a man yeah anyone's gonna look like a fucking like gnome from the woods right next. Next to him. Yeah.

So you're always at a disadvantage. And he's been a man of the screen. Yes. For a decade and a half. He's experienced. He knows his angles. Yep. He's like a military tactician.

He knows his angles, but he doesn't know how to pronounce lieutenant. No. Well, he does know how to pronounce lieutenant no well he doesn't know how to pronounce lieutenant he just doesn't know when it's left tenant oh yeah that's his problem but we fixed him um but yeah i look terrible just terrible so now then now it's made me worried about most dangerous roads if i'm just going to be watching it going i don't think so i didn't think you looked i i didn't notice you looking particularly bad in there i think we did okay i think i mean i mean in in I mean in the Spencer Matthews. Really?

Road Curious thing, yeah. Maybe it's because I already knew about the t-shirt issue I was having at the time. I knew to look for it. Right. You know there's some angles where you sit with a t-shirt and you go, even if you look like you're relatively slim standing up, sitting down, like you're kind of sprucing your belly out. It was that kind of chair?

Sure. And what can you do? You can't do anything What we can do is maybe read One piece of correspondence Yeah I'm obsessed Budpod correspondence Obsessed with It was very hard not to keep saying

Obsessed I'm obsessed Because they would not have known what I meant obsessed with. It was very hard not to keep saying obsessed. Obsessed. I'm obsessed. Because they would not have known what I meant. And I would have had to explain it and it would have been inappropriate. Ring letters. Email.

Phone calligraphy. Talking to your sister. Keep a straight eye. To prove what you find. Ring letters. Correspondence. Okay, we have a message from G Signs of G G, just the letter G

Well, I can see the name in the email But it's signed off G And I must assume that's what they want G Ways Nice Happy to hear from them Nice Afternoon

Oh It is the afternoon actually For us right now it is spooky spooky g spooky g would be a good hip hop name for you

spooky g I'm a relatively new Budpod listener but it's fast become my go to podcast for my regular trips to London for work from Glasgow oh brill thank you It's fast become my go-to podcast for my regular trips to London for work from Glasgow. Oh, Brill. Brill! Thank you.

Without blowing smoke too far up your ass, please don't worry. Go for it. I need it to be cleaned out. It has been responsible for many a funny look being directed my way on the plane. Oh, the plane. Oh. No five and a half hour trains for this guy, T. Houston. I imagine it's particularly weird to see someone losing their shit, pun intended, on a plane at 7am while wearing a face mask.

Maybe it looks like I'm uncontrollably sobbing. That's true. This dates it, though. Face mask. Oh, if you knew the dates. If you knew the fucking dates, Phil. Anywho, he says. You don't want to see the dates, man. Oh, if you knew the fucking dates, Phil. Anywho, he says. You don't want to see the dates, man. Oh, if you knew the dates on this.

Think of this as the title of the email was a trilogy of poo. Okay. Unrelated trilogy. Okay. That's more of a... It's a portmanteau. A trilogy of... An unrelated trilogy.

That's a... What's it called? An anthology. That's an anth What's it called? An anthology. That's an anthology. An anthology. Yeah. What am I thinking of? A portmanteau is a word, two words mixed together.

A portmanteau. Yeah. It's putting two words together? Yeah. Let me see. Like spork. Yes. Anthology... What am I thinking of here?

Spork was actually thought up by comedian Rich Hall. Fuck off. Yeah. He came up with Spork. Isn't that something? Also, he is the inspiration for Moe and the Simpsons. Is that confirmed? Because I've heard that.

But I've only ever heard it from people saying, did you know? Oh. As opposed to, I've never heard it from Fox Or Matt Groening Well maybe it's just me Maybe you've heard it from other times I've said Did you know? Rich Hall literally is Mo

I think I've seen confirmation of this Of one of the writers Saying they based it on him Was he on SNL at the time? Was he? Yeah Rich Hall he on SNL at the time? Was he? Yeah, Rich Holy was on SNL. I know. As a performer?

Yeah, I think so. That's fucking mad. Let me have a quick look here. What a crazy guy. What a wild and crazy guy. I'm trying to remember this word. Sorry. Sorry Sorry G Anyway

Anyway I'm being a bumhole It's not the point That's fucked Wow So he must be Mo I believe it more now Yeah, look. That's fucked. He's doing the news segment. Wow. A young Rich Hall. Absolutely great. So he must be Moe.

I believe it more now. Yeah. Anyway. Part one. Part one of the anthology of Pooh. Fart bum. Fart bum. Fart bum, fart Pooh, fart pee.

God, so... Oh, no. Fart bum. Yeah. That was funny. You going... You going... Yeah.

Fart bum. Yeah. When I was a young lad, maybe seven or eight, I was out and about with a couple of older kids I hung around with from our street. Must have been winter because it was dark but not late. Okay. This is up in Glasgow too, so, you know, it's dark at like four in winter.

There was a forest behind our street. We were often in there playing Predator, something equally unsuitable for eight-year-olds to have seen. We decided to head to one of the boys' houses. Let's call him Chris. Chris. Good name. And on the way, I felt the presence of what I assumed was wind. So I let rip, only to be surprised to find a wee Jorby

rolling down the inside of my trousers. Oh no. Instead of going home, which instead of going home, which was literally a hundred meters away, I decided to apply eight-year-old's logic and persevere and keep heading to Chris's house. Yeah, I would have done the same.

For some reason, I would have done the same. Yes. Or you just go, well, I can't do anything about this. I have to just sit. Yeah. So instead, we persevere, keep heading to Chris's house. I'm no idiot, though. So on the way, I snuck into a bush in the forest pretending to need a pee

and commenced to squeeze the soft poo down the rest of my trouser leg to fall out the bottom like a baker with a piping bag. Oh, God. I like the great escape, like shaking sand out of the trouser leg. Yeah, yeah. We got to Chris's and hung out in his room his mum even dropped in at one point nothing was ever said of it

now as a parent i can testify to the potency of any child shite so in hindsight i can only imagine everyone was being particularly polite that evening by not pointing out that i clearly stank of excrement. Kind people.

It's the kindness of strangers that makes this life worth living. It's the kindness of someone else's mum also not being sure if you smelling of shit is not abnormal. Or maybe it's her child who smells of shit. She can't be sure at this point, right? Yeah, but also she wouldn't want to be like, sorry, you stink of shit, and there to be no problem and just like a really sad situation at home yeah yeah you don't want to stumble into you don't want to just be like well now i'm now i'm

involved yeah in this poopy child and his struggles um fart poo fart poo poo End of fart bum End of fart bum Now fart poo Early afternoon on a Saturday Maybe ten years ago Walking through Bank Station Changing from Northern to Central Classic

Up that weird spiral staircase Heading through the narrow corridor to Central Line And I was confronted by two women Maybe in their thirties, both well-dressed. Oh, hello ladies. One was standing against the wall with her head down. Very cool. Lady one. The other was holding her arm.

Lady two. Oh. The smell hit me first. Oh yeah, not cool. Glanced down to see what I can only describe as a cow pat Wow Large enough to be enveloping the sides of Lady One's heels High heels

I walked past, as did others behind me And quickly boarded the train that had just pulled in No idea what had happened Oh my lord It was the middle of the day And they didn't look to be inebriated Maybe a dodgy breakfast? So she was just hanging ahead in shame

Or just like Horror Anywho I spent the rest of the afternoon Imagining what I would do if that ever happened to me What would be my exit strategy to get home etc I also felt like I needed a wash after witnessing it I can't imagine how the poor lady felt Oh poor lady

So she's cowpatted herself in a corridor Just an underground cowpat While another lady holds her arm I can't imagine how the poor lady felt. Oh, poor lady. So she's cowpatted herself in a corridor. Just an underground cowpat. While another lady holds her arm. Like she's given birth. Maybe she's pumping the poop out of her. Like a slot machine. Yeah.

Oh, God. Three poos. Like three cherries. Yeah. You get jackpot and all shit flies out of you Terrible To shit on the tube Nowhere to run Nowhere for the stink to go

Terrible And depending on season Imagine if it was summer Thank you Or heavy traffic through that No no no no You, no, no. You can't track shit on a train. Oh.

I don't know how you can do it so quickly. Ugh. Well, you don't like a tut, even. When it's that quick, something about it becomes upsetting to me. Ha, ha, ha. Ugh. Yeah, interesting. It sounds like a wet spider running away.

Oh, yeah. Ah. Yeah. It sounds like a wet spider Running away Oh yeah Yeah A spider with little suckers on Yeah Fart pee Fart pee and a fart poo Start a fart pee Disastrous camping trip a whole story in itself

Yep Drank the best part of a bottle of Talisker with one of the guys A lovely dram A fine wee dram Never been one to handle a hangover well So I was pretty tender the next morning Dragged myself off into the woods to lay a log For some reason

Thought holding onto a tree and leaning out over a ditch Was a good idea To open the Bombay doors The Bombay doors I mean a ditch was a good idea to open the Bombay doors. The Bombay doors. And I mean a bay for bombs as opposed to Bombay. Bombay doors. Bomb-bay doors. As it was

coming out, my mate's daft dog Spud came bounding out of the woods, laser focused on my chocolate treats. Oh, gross. Someone's pooing. Is there pooing going on? Yeah. Poo. That's pooing. Is there pooing going on? This dog. Yeah.

Poo. That's what I do. Just delighted to have company for once. I tried swatting him away with my free hand and failed. It's like holding onto a branch. No. Hey. Get away.

On the other hand, you're hanging backwards from a branch like an orangutan. Hey. No. Hey. Hey. get away! On the other hand, you're hanging backwards from a branch like an orangutan. Hey! No! Hey! Hey! And the dog's doing that thing where it sticks its paws out. It's all excited. And failed. The traumatic following seconds consist of Spud literally catching my brown cable in its mouth as I laid it. No!

No! While I was hanging off the tree and simultaneously attempting and failing to shoo him off and, quote, nip the poo. Oh my god, I didn't think it was going to get this bad. I didn't either. Come on.

The dog's going to throw that up later. For sure, come on. That'll be nice. Oh, okay then. Now I don't feel so bad. If it's going to become mixed with dog vomit, then that's fine. That'll be nice. That'll be great.

The kids will just love it. Oh, good. Oh, good. that'll be great the kids will just love it oh good horrible to to feed a dog directly from your asshole i don't want to hear it again okay i won't do the spider sounds and you don't say it again okay that's a deal okay that is a deal went back to camp and advised everyone to avoid getting too close to spud

if you deem any of these horrible weird or funny enough to read out please just reference me as G not the full name or anything he actually said

his first name there but he said not his full name but I'll still keep you I'll keep you as G my G for double security um thanks g those were horrible stories all of them and they were of increasing horror yeah and we we thank you thank you and we anthology we we hope you still uh use us as a way of making

Constant Glasgow to London trips more bearable Thank you for keeping the union together Yes And should it ever shatter asunder You're still welcome in London As long as we can come to Glasgow Glasgow That's all

We got for you This time around Patrons we'll see you on Friday Friday As for everybody else Have a nice week Have a nice week Buy tickets to see my Soho Theatre show in January Have a nice week

And my tour and we'll catch you on Mastodon See you on Mastodon Bye