BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 191 - Father Budmas

Episode Date: November 30, 2022

Tour shows, generic winter sickness, Japanese football, appliances, Iranian handsomeness, China protests, Elle tells us about THE BudPod storyPhil's Tour Show: philwang.co.uk and click "live"Pierre's Tour Show: pierrenovellie.com and click "live" Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

it's bud pod 191 191 good fine fun with us your pod your buds in your ears having fun again yeah good have you been p.a how you feeling i am I've got generic winter illness right yeah which is the it's the Halloween costume of the cold exactly or if COVID or whatever generic winter

sickness they can't afford the rights they can't afford the rights to the cold no generic winter sickness I've got generic winter sickness GWS They can't afford the rights. They can't afford the rights to the cold. No. No, I've got... Generic winter sickness. I've got generic winter sickness. GWS.

And you know what else I'm sick of, Phil? I'm sick of how many tickets I'm selling for my Soho Theatre run. Wow. Yeah. Is it going well? Yes. If you're sitting... Excellent.

...listening to this thinking, oh, yeah, I need to remember to do that, you better do it quite soon, especially if you want to come on one of the sort of, like, what would you call them? Like weekend-y days? Is Friday the weekend? It's not really.

Half of it is. Yeah, Friday night's the weekend. The weekend starts, as far as I'm concerned, 5 p.m. Friday. Although if I'm being truly honest, Pierre, it's more like Thursday too. We say that Thursday is... Yep.

But yes. Yes, so those dates in particular, the Friday, Saturday, Sunday sort of times, are... You're down to not very many. And even the Mondays and Tuesdays are looking pretty tight. So you better get on it, guys. Get on it. In the words of Emperor Palpatine himself,

do it. Do it. Get on it. Do it. Get down. Get down and do it. But if you are not in or near London, then don't worry, because also, Phil, as well as joining you on some of the dates of your tour in spring, in autumn of next year, fall, Icastle, Coventry Southend, Norwich Crossing over to a different country to go to

Dublin, and then back to the UK for Leeds, Sheffield, Lincoln, Northampton Nottingham, Bath, Salford Wow What a tour What a treat for these United Kingdoms For these United Kingdoms of ours I will be finally coming to where

you live in a way that you can be aware of and remember in autumn you shall be uniting them uniting them further with mirth exactly and all the tickets are on sale apart from a couple of places

so just check my website or my pinned tweet or pinned Instagram post and schedule it into your fucking lives, please. And if not, then come see it in Soho Theatre in January. You won't have to wait till the leaves turn brun again. You can just see it fresh in the spring. Well, January is not the spring, but you know, in the new year. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I guess when you tour, it'll be a different show from the one you're doing now well when i tour it'll actually because you know when you tour you sort of do 45 minutes ish and then an interval in 45 minutes some do yeah but like that's like a standard like if you bought like touring package from like asda that's what it would be right yeah um i'm gonna do that in the sense that's what it would be.

I'm going to do that in the sense that the first half will be the show I'm doing at Soho, and the second half in autumn will be the new show. So it's actually two shows for the price of Uno. Oh, very good. The second half is a

sequel to the first half, so it's also like it's connected. Wow so it's also connected. Wow. Yeah. That's a dream. That's the dream. That's exactly what you want. So that's how I am, Phil.

How are you? I'm okay. My washing machine has broken again. What kind of broken? It's broken again. What kind of? It's broken again. What kind of broken? It's giving me error message. Error. E-O-1.

Not E-O-1. Which I think means that E-O-1, the first of all errors. The original error. It's original sin. It's the original sin of the washing machine world, E-O-1. It's water leaking into the base no yes and i've had someone come over leaky drum who is a fantastic percussionist from uh from the 50s um but he he the mushing machine i had someone come over look at it just like the washing machine he is sick

yeah I bet in the I bet in the Latin languages washing machines have a gender although they're probably she they're certainly you know how those Mediterranean's can be about the old ladies but

I it's year one and I got a randomer over from TaskRabbit. And he came over and is like, I think I was just pissing about with it. I should have just

gone for a proper engineer. So you just went, I'm going to get another member of the public in here, see what they think. Yeah, pretty much. And he fixed it for maybe two weeks oh really what did he do i'm amazed he fixed it for any weeks yeah well he just drained it and then and said make sure to put on a drain and spin cycle every so often to clear it out which sounded like nonsense to me at the time and i think it is nonsense because the machine will do that it will anyway is this good radio and then i and so now i booked a proper engineer um to come and and take a look because it needs it needs it needs someone from the family you know yeah that's it to come over and it's it's the the appliance mafia

yeah it is it is they don't let you know the secrets it's like the chinese silk industry and in the in the what the 17th century yes it was punishable by death to tell anyone how silk was made yeah that's exactly right same thing for same thing for smack washing machines yeah i just i just did something very stupid phil and i dropped a pin on the floor so that's gonna enter my foot later that's good oh no what kind what kind of head are we talking like the brightly colored one or just a flat annoyingly a white one oh dear yeah, well. I had the same thing with dishwasher. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Mr. Dishwasher, he became very sick.

Right, okay. And he, because when he was washing the dishes, he would dribble on the floor. Oh, no. Yeah. Oh, it's so, yeah, it's very sad when they get to that age. Yeah, and it was allegedly it got fixed, but now he's dribbling again. But he doesn't dribble every time.

It's just sometimes, as if he's trying to keep me on my toes. Maybe it's only if you're washing dishes that have had a lot of lemon on them. Yeah, if the food that was on the dishes was particularly delicious. Yeah, that's it. The dishwasher becomes the drooling's it he becomes the dishwasher becomes the drooling emoji yeah the dishwasher yeah really enjoying it

yeah so that's all i do these days is just house shit i swear there's some fucking thing to fix or someone to call or or someone to book, or someone to wash, or someone to clean, or someone to move, I thought this would set me free, Pierre, to live my life, and it hasn't. Imagine having a pet and a kid on top of this. I don't know how people manage.

I really don't. It's astonishing, isn't it? And you can see why in countries where the renting system isn't a Victorianorian war crime that people prefer to rent a victorian war crime is yeah people are leaving london man i have friends who are moving out of london just because they can't afford the rent anymore it's bad yeah the whole thing's fucked and then you know you look over at something like germany where the majority of the population rent and it's because you know they've got some german corporate landlord whose entire profit margins are so thin that they have to help manage and have a plumber on 24-hour

call for like a thousand flats at once so it's like you can't just be like some fucking guy called barry renting a slum to a clown like we know well i mean in germany uh they're much stricter rules about what landlords have to do yeah they have so many like requirements and duties that the it lowers the it's not worthwhile to do it as a private individual it's very unusual apparently yeah if you're just renting out something people like oh really all that red tape and fees and insurance and um yeah whereas london is like the fucking wild west you want a room it's two dollars People are like, oh, really? All that red tape and fees and insurance. Yeah. Whereas London is like the fucking Wild West. You want a room?

It's $2 a month. And just like a wooden cabin or something. Yeah, it's weird. Some elements of British society and the economy are still very buccaneering, like far less regulated than you'd expect from Britain, the home of rules. Well, the home of rules. Well, the home of rules following, but also the home of sort of fudging things.

That's true. That's true. The home of fudge. The home of fudge. Much less tasty than it sounds. No. I realized, by the way, why every now and then growing up in the British Isles, I would go, I mean, I like fudge, don't I?

I think I do. Yes. Every time I have a piece of fudge, I'm like, oh, my God, why don't I eat fudge every day all the time? And then I have a second bite and I'm like, oh, it's a bit much. Well, see, I had a different thing because, well, it's similar different similar but different where i would go but i swear i like fudge i swear i think it's good and then someone would be like oh do you want some fudge there's a fudge or there's like a a gift shop there's fudge in the gift shop and i would buy that eat it and go oh this isn't fudge and everyone would be like well yes it is look it's labeled. I was being gaslit by Big Fudge.

A great bassist. Technically, it can't officially be called fudge unless it comes from someone who has really cut corners and made compromises in the processing. Is that where the name is from? It's supposed to be a cake, but they fudged it? That's it, that's it, yeah, yeah. I realized, Phil, in South Africa,

what we thought of as fudge, or certainly me and a couple of other South Africans who I've talked to about this, it's tablet. Right, right. Scottish treats. Ah, I see. So they have to be called tablets in Scotland.

Well, it's a different thing to fudge, but we knew it as fudge. Yeah. So every now and then, I only figured this out this year, and then it made sense of the fact that years ago in Edinburgh during the Fringe, I ate some tablets,

and I was like, finally, some real fudge, and everyone thought I was a fucking idiot. So what you like, what you actually like is tablet. Yeah, it turns out. Mystery solved. But for ages as a kid I was like, but I like fudge, but why do I hate this so much?

It's quite a good name for a metal band don't you think? Tablet. Tablet. Tablet. With big fudge on base hey speaking of um country of rules have you seen have you seen the news from china a lot of protests in shanghai over the lockdown it's incredible not just shanghai all over the country but but most astonishingly in Shanghai, because people there are rich and there are a lot of police.

It's the richest city in China and a business hub, of course. And what's interesting about the protests is that it's not... It's working class, middle class, rich all strata of society really

because they've all been unified by these same rules because they've still got like full absolutely massive lockdowns don't they yeah yeah yeah three years on they're still like a full lockdown and it was started by

the protests were kicked off by a fire in a block of apartments in the Xinjiang city of Urumqi. And because of lockdown quarantine measures, people couldn't get out while the building was on fire. And 10 people died. And they were trapped by COVID restrictions. I think I've read that people welded in, like their doors were welded shut, it's

fucking crackers if the Chinese were going to do something like that to people it would be somewhere like Urumqi where they're busy doing the genocide anyway, so it's probably in for a penny for them yeah, but I don't think the people were Uyghur there's of course a big

Han Chinese population in Xinjiang as well. There certainly is now, Philip. Yeah, well, exactly. But it's quite extraordinary. This is once in a generation stuff. This is... Do you think? The scale of the protests. Oh, for sure.

There hasn't been protests like this since Tiananmen Square. And, I mean, if you think about it, this is the firstiananmen square and and i mean if you think about it this is the first tiananmen square level protest with smartphones yeah you can't you can't do another tiananmen square in a world of smartphones you would not get away with it so yeah it's going to be very interesting to see how it plays out because the communist you know the chinese government and the people of china have had a deal for the last few decades which is that we live by your rules but you keep us rich and occupied and happy

and these and zero covid is breaking that deal so yeah so it's going to be very interesting so it plays out i have to, I hope you're right, but I was very cynical seeing some of the pictures. Just cynical of what? Just sort of going like, well, they're just going to smush this with their big red fists and then, you know, whatever. Like, I hope that's not true.

But there are lots of Chinese people. This is a thing. There are a lot of them. And, you know, pretty big revolutions have happened there before. Yeah. I don't know. But I think what's striking about it is that it's not just one class of people in China. It's all of them.

This has really gone across class divides and across regions. Big cities, small cities, universities universities west of china um shanghai you know it's it's all encompassing so um it's yeah it's and and and xi jinping's kind of cornered himself by really he he is zero covid now so he can't if he backs out of zero covid he starts to look weak so it's you know it's very interesting i wonder i hope so because the smartphone thing you're right they can't massacre people as much but the smartphone stuff is also the reason why they just know everyone who is there and can fucking lock them up um yeah and yeah we know from some from xin chang that they're willing they're willing to literally lock up 400,000 people for

a completely random length of time just because. So I hope that they don't just do that. But I hope that, yeah, the cracks are meaningful. I think it's different when the people are Han Chinese. Yeah. Yeah, that's true.

But it's quite a strong time in Iran, China, these things happening the Iran process is still going yeah yes I wonder, it would be amazing if it seems

to me like in the Middle East that you either need to be pretend to be friends with Saudi Arabia or pretend to be friends with Iran that seems to be the general deal um in order to have a big friendly country with a half decent military that has some oil right yeah it's like when you when you go to prison in an american prison yeah you have to pick one of the gangs just for your own protection yeah exactly so and saudi arabia and iran are completely opposed shia sunni so you have to you can't have both you do have to pick one um and it would be nice if yes like

when you when you're on your ucas form you can only apply to oxford or cambridge that's the closest that's the closest equivalent i've ever come to yes and like pokemon red or blue you can't have both that's always what it reminded me of um yeah yeah but imagine if there was some big upheaval in iran and it became like if not a perfect democracy obviously then at least one is flawed but functioning as say india and then we could be friends with them instead of pretending to be friends with saudi arabia who are as we've discussed on this podcast, mental. It would be amazing. Yeah. But I mean, imagine all these countries being on the same side together.

China, Iran, the West. It would change everything. It would be extraordinary. Yeah. There would be no limit to what the human race could achieve. Yeah. I know that sounds a little idealistic of me but

I believe it as long as no one cries when you make the speech saying that what do you mean what we were talking about the other day the crying at speeches oh yeah yeah that can mean people are a bit too mad about it yeah

as long as when you say that no one listening starts crying and then you're going to make yourself frightened yeah yeah um uh do you think the protesters in china know about each other because they're so strict on the internet this is the interesting thing i was seeing on twitter earlier you know because you know all the chinese social media platforms are so thoroughly censored and watched yeah and controlled but lots of protests are you know popping up in very disparate different parts of the country um so if they're happening without them even knowing about each other that's really worrying that's true in a way it's more significant isn't? Yeah. If they don't even know they have this allyship across the country and they're still brave enough, because they're so brave.

It makes me really emotional watching it. They're just so brave. And, yeah, so I don't know. I think it's pretty significant. I mean, protests in China is really rare, and one of this scale hasn't happened since 19... Was it 1989? I think it was 1989, yeah.

I hope you're right. I hope you're right, Philip. I hope you're right. I've been watching the World Cup. What? I'm really disappointed in myself. Oh, no. I'm watching the World Cup I'm really disappointed in myself I'm watching the games I'm watching the games It's just nice to watch

Some lovely fellas kicking a ball about Have you seen the Iranian team? Have they all been decapitated? Well If you were going to decapitate a team, you could do worse because they're handsome, those guys. I wouldn't mind some of those heads rolling about. Good-looking fellas. Each one, the Prince of Persia, swear to God.

Really? Oh, my God, so handsome. Every international tournament has a you know has a team of fillies and I think the crown goes to Iran I have to say interesting Saudi Arabia quite good looking

less enthusiastic about saying that yeah yeah and and then the european sides look you know more or less like a bunch of potatoes no come on germany

germany doesn't surely surely germany looks all floppy and aryan uh no no yeah yeah germany are quite good looking i guess um i wouldn't know i'm trying to actually the english side has a couple of lookers know i try to actually english side there's a couple of lookers you know a couple of sexies there are a couple of um sleeve tattooed sexies on on the england side sleevy sleevy sexies um england team there's one guy on the england squad

i think it's very good looking what's his name uh he looks sort of uh scanning through all these lovely fellas right now when i'm when i'm looking at the i'm looking at the iranian uh team in the photo and they are all very sexy but do you know what they remind me of because every every barbers i go to is either like yeah persian or turkish or whatever they they all have like such neat beards and good hair they look like the wall of options the wall of options in a barber like these are the haircuts we do oh i see yeah yeah yeah yeah yes you're absolutely right they look like the heads they've just had a haircut yeah every single time you seem they've looks like they've just had a haircut someone was said to me once that you get that high level of grooming with Iranian guys, Persian guys or whatever

a lot of Middle Eastern guys generally because you have such like dense hair you can do more with it and you have to do stuff with it otherwise it looks much worse than if you have like wispy blonde hair Yeah Like a stray black hair on a face is much more noticeable than a little

blonde hair that you can't quite see You know? Yes, yes, yes exactly right right right yeah so you better and you know yeah and feel part of like the culture um yeah all the barbershop culture and stuff the fine oils and the burning the thing in the air burning the little bit of what's it they burn a little bit of tissue in your ear a bit bit of cotton wool with flame on it to burn off your little ear hairs so you don't have a soft, horrible little ear. Like a bald cat, probably.

Lovely stuff. A bald cat. Kyle Walker is the name of the England player. I think he's very handsome. He's got a a big strong jaw. Does he look like a sort of hero from a Pixar film? Yeah.

Yeah. But he looks sort of mixed racially speaking. I wonder what he is. Early life. He's more handsome in profile than dead on. dead on he looks quite thuggish Philip

maybe that's my type yeah you're like a bit of rough maybe maybe if you were a gay gentleman you would be like a sort of those guys who are sort of very high society

but they only sleep with sort of builders and truckers and things. Right, right, right. Yeah. Yeah, I'm like Titus in Kimmy Schmidt, if anyone's seen that. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, he's of Jamaican descent, apparently. Ah, his dad's Jamaican, his mother's English. There you go.

You're like the... No, I thought he looked sort of Middle Eastern. I thought so. You're like the... Well, Jamaican could be all sorts of things, I suppose, too. And so could English. You're like the mixed-race detective. I am, although this case has stumped me.

The affair of the English footballer. Yeah, this is one that has me and the bar just drinking Jameson on my own. I thought he was Middle Eastern. Damn it, I must be getting rusty. I would have bet my life that man was Middle Eastern. It's okay, chief. We all make mistakes. Not like this, damn it!

Not like this. But yeah, being mixed race can kind of place you in a completely different country to either of your parents. I met a gal recently who was half Irish and half Goan in India. And she looked South American. She looked Latin American. People thought I was Filipino.

Yeah. Which is broadly, you know, broadly makes sense. And your name is Phil. And my name is Phil. That might have been it really that might have been the only reason it's really neat sometimes when the two when the the two races makes the kid look like someone from exactly the midpoint between the two parents yeah like that's really neat that's really neat. Oh, like, okay, so someone from Sudan and someone from Ireland looks Italian. Yeah, that kind of thing, that kind of thing. Or someone from Ireland and someone from Japan, their kid looks like someone from Kazakhstan.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's an easier axis. Land bridge. And axis yeah, yeah, yeah. That's an easier axis. Land bridge. And axis powers, one of them. Have you seen all this about the Japanese fan clearing up after themselves? This becomes a story every time there's an international tournament. Look at these Japanese, wonderful

Japanese people clearing up after themselves. Oh, have they done it again? Yeah, they've only kind of done it again, Pierre, after their matches the Japanese fans, even when they won, they went, yeah! Japan won! They beat Germany, speaking of the Axis

powers. We finally know who's the more powerful one. They beat them with a surprise attack. Yeah. Yeah, just Japanese players just running headfirst into German defenders. Getting a goal by running headfirst into the goal

with the ball sort of on you. Yeah. Injuring yourself completely, but still worth it. So they won. The Japanese fans were like, yeah. the ball sort of on you yeah injuring yourself completely but still worth it yeah so they saw the they won the japanese fans like yeah and then they and then they calmed down and they just start clear picking up the rubbish and putting them in bags and then even the there's like a before and after photo of japan's dressing room and all the footballers wondering about getting changed and then when they left everything they tidied everything into the centerpiece, like the table in the middle of the dressing room.

Oh, wow. And it's very impressive. Do you think the Qataris were watching going like, wait a minute, you're your own slave? This is blowing my mind. You've hidden your passport from yourself. Do they sing, It's coming home, it's coming, the rubbish is coming home.

Because they're throwing it away themselves at home a funny comment on twitter i think from a scottish person in response to the response to this response to the story of the japanese clearing up after themselves and he's like big deal english friends clear up the tables outside pubs in Europe. I thought that was quite funny. Yes, that's good. Yeah, I can't imagine... If you wanted to make English fans do that, you'd need to involve the army. Yeah. Yeah.

That'd be a direct threat. It would... On all of them. Yeah, the army would have to show up like they do at the end of Shaun of the Dead. Just like trucks after trucks after trucks. Boots, like... Helicopter. This is Spotlight.

Yeah. Yeah. Um... Well, we should probably... Get onto some correspondence, Pierre. We should... A Christmas letter correspondence, Pierre. We should. A Christmas letter to Bud Santa. Father Budmas.

Letters. Emails. Phone calls. Toilets. Your sister. Keep a straight eye. To who we are. Letters.

Correspondence. Father Budmas. Oh, oh, oh. Father Budmus Oh Father Budmus The big red Sewage truck has started to make its tour Of the country Like every year

You know it's not Christmas until the big Truck full of shit Starts driving down To your town Kids coming and waving Pinching their noses, smiling, waving at the truck Truck full of shit starts driving down to your town. Kids coming and waving it, pinching their noses, smiling, waving at the truck. Holidays are bumming. Holidays are bumming.

And then you leave out a roll of toilet paper and a bin bag. Yeah. You leave out a plate of toilet paper for Bud Masanta, and then you come down the next morning and there's shit on it. And you go, he's been, he's been. Oh, God. That's horrid. Instead of coming down the chimney, he comes up the toilet.

Yeah. Oh, God comes up the toilet. Yeah. Just soaking wet. Father Budmus is here. Oh, my God. Well, we have a story that is definitely the sort of thing Father Budmus would approve of here, Phil. Good, good. Gather round, children.

Yeah, it's from Elle l the smell yeah she she put actually at the end of her email l rhymes with smell it sure does way ahead of you yeah so i mean here's the subject line of this email phil. This is going to get your attention, I think. If someone whispered this to you in a high-class bar, your ears would perk up. Okay? Man poops from penis, jizzes from butt. That's impossible, I reply. That's impossible, I reply.

Yeah, this is the case that gets you off the misidentification of Kyle Walker. Yeah, this is what brings me out of retirement. I don't do that anymore. But they're saying he poops out of his penis and jizzes out of his asshole. That's impossible. They'll put it like this. They'll go, you'll be like, I'm retiring. I don't do that anymore.

Are you sure it's about a man who poops and jizzes? Every man poops and jizzes. Not like this. And I just slide the vanilla folder in front of you. the vanilla folder in front of you. Let's just say our friend here got himself a little turned around. And then I tap the folder and I leave. I put my trilby on and I leave. So Elle says,

Dear Podfathers. That's nice. Oh, Dear Podfathers That's nice Oh the Podfathers of course Dear Podfathers The Podfather poo people say is better Than the first one And no one likes Podfather pee Very upsetting

That film for the fans Elle says Dear Podfathers I read a news article that is right up your alley Apparently your pipes Very upsetting, that film, for the fans. Al says, Dear Podfathers, I read a news article that is right up your alley. Apparently your pipes can get switched around. No, not like this. Not like this. It's an article in Newsweek.

It's good, Newsweek. Really concise. Well, it's by Ed Brown which is good perfect tech and science sits under which I mean I guess so I guess it's science so the headline is

man ejaculates from anus urinates feces for two years before seeking help wow I mean if that doesn't encapsulate the male attitude man ejaculates from anus, urinates faeces for two years before seeking help. Wow. I mean, if that doesn't encapsulate the male attitude to health, I don't know what does. Shitting out a dick for two years

before you thought you might want to see a doctor. And having an ass jizz. I don't quite believe this story though, Pierre. It's just true. Newsweek is reputable. They wouldn't post fake news. They wouldn't print fake news. Well, I don't...

I think it is possible. You're right, though. I mean, for two years, this guy was known as jizz butt in the pub before he thought he should look into it. No, I don't believe it I don't see how it's possible Pierre I don't see how it's possible

and like the infection life finds a way no I don't believe it maybe I just don't want to believe it but I don't believe it. Maybe I just don't want to believe it, but I don't believe it. You'd better believe you live in a world where a man can piss shit and fart jizz, boy, because you're in one. So. Doctors have published a case study detailing a man who started ejaculating from his rectum after a previous medical procedure caused complications.

There's your answer. Okay. Okay. Now we're getting somewhere. All right. Yeah. It's an incompetent surgeon, maybe. So, the man, age 33, turned up for medical care after experiencing pain in one of his testicles

for the previous five days. He also said he had been passing a, quote, substantial amount of urine and sperm from his rectum over the previous two years. Ugh. Also, you don't pass sperm, do you?

It's more active than that. Yeah, you don't pass sperm in the street and just give them a little nod. But imagine like you're jerking off, you're jerking it, jerking it. You're jacking it. You're keeping on jacking it. And then you're like,

and then it comes out of your ass. Pierre, no. I think it might. No, maybe it's quite nice, actually. I think it might have just been like, you know, making its way downtown, just coming out there every now and then without the jacking. Just dribbling. Yeah.

Just dribbling like a basketball player down at your asshole yeah so the man also said he'd been experiencing a problem known as pneumaturia pneumaturia P-N-E-U so like pneumatic pneumaturia in which people pass gas in their urine

I hate this I hate this I'm learning about things i wish i didn't know about i hate this we're almost at episode 200 it's taken this long for us to encounter piss farts oh my god an actual piss fart the we have we've started to create the world we imagined, Pierre. Yes. We were so obsessed with what we could do, we didn't think about what we should do. Yes. We've summoned a kind of toilet humor hell into existence through this poor man.

This poor man. He also... Yeah, so in which people pass gas in their urine and ficaluria in which people pass bowel matter through their urine. I hate, oh, no, this makes me sick. You don't want to be doing dick poops.

Dick poops. Yeah, former senator. Dick poop, Richard poops Dick Poops Richard Poops Senator under Nixon very right wing Dick Poops he was Nixon's ambassador to Cambodia he was a very very controversial figure Dick Poops

if you pooped out your if you pooped out your dick, would you say, and you said you're going to the toilet, would you say you're going for number one or number two? I'm going... I think this is one of Zeno's paradoxes

from ancient Greece. Is it a wee or a poo? I'm just off for a 1.5. 1.5, that's it, isn't it? Yeah. One and a half.5 1.5 that's it isn't it yeah one and a half yeah yeah i'm just uh i'm just i'm just off for it for a for a what would it even be fraction wise imagine like imagine he's having sex with a gal and like i'm just for i'm just as early i'm just going for a three over two um imagine maybe that's what you that's what is when you jizz out your ass it's a three over two

right yeah three out of a two but imagine like he's having sex with a gal and he comes out of his ass hole and like prematurely and he's like oh god so sorry and he comes out of his asshole. And prematurely. And he's like, oh God, so sorry. She can't even say, don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys. Because it doesn't. It happens to one guy. She can say, wow, thank you for aiming away. I didn't know men could aim backwards.

Sex doesn't get much more safe than that does it i mean pregnancy wise yeah you're gonna get a bunch of shit in your vagina but aside from that you're not gonna get pregnant at least i mean let's hope not some kind of evil fecal baby oh no poo baby poo baby oh no this is how the antichrist is born the shit dick man fucks the woman who shat her pussy and the devil's son is born god it's like you know how the you know the minotaur was created when um the queen of minos um had sex with um is it it wasn't it was a bull

I don't think it was Zeus in the shape of a bull I think it was just a great big bull and she gave birth to the Minotaur I feel like it'd be similar you give birth to the Pupator and you'd have to build a labyrinth to trap the Pupator in

and then when warriors go in to try and defeat the poopator they know the poopator is getting close because they can smell him it stinks yeah no yeah yes that's the thing the labyrinth is a lot of pipes and you leave a trail of toilet roll behind you to find your way um yeah i mean this is it's well phil it's awful this is awful this is awful this is awful and this is us saying this to poop out your dick yeah you think this would be christmas for us but even we're like this is too far we're like um a general of a victorious army who didn't want to win like this is too far. We're like a general of a victorious army who didn't want to win like

this. Not like this. So, Phil, doctors found that the man's vital signs were normal. The human body is amazing. It's really incredible. It's like a Toyota pickup truck sometimes.

The human body It's like what can this thing withstand And they decided to carry out further tests To see what was going on A CT scan of the pelvis revealed evidence Of a quote gas filled structure Yeah What

A structure An oil rig Wow A gas filledfilled structure. Like a beam. In the man's prostate that appeared to be connected to the rectum. This is known as a fistula, an abnormal connection between two body parts. Oh, my God.

Oh, yuck. This is like something from this fucking human centipede, but like in one person's body. Yeah. I hate this. In an attempt to work out the cause, imagine trying to keep a straight face and a calm reaction being the doctor. Hmm, I see.

That's difficult acting, isn't it? Yeah, I see your ball. The problem is your bollies are hooked up to your poo-poo hole. It's very serious. But also not to just grab the guy's head and go, what's wrong with you? How did this happen? You have to go,

well, we'll certainly look into this, Mr. Smith. So in an attempt to work out the cause, doctors considered an inflammatory bowel disease and tuberculosis. They also asked the patient if he'd had any abdominal surgeries or any penetration or trauma to the rectum that might have contributed he said he had not after investigating more the doctors found the man had been in

a three week coma about two years ago prior due to some drug intoxication right yeah and a mad scientist snuck into the ward Dr. Pupenstein Performed a cruel experiment

During this time this man had a catheter inserted So a tube in your dick hole To the bladder And the doctor said this appeared to have caused significant trauma So some Some nurse just jammed this thing in this poor Drug addict's dick And fucked up his intestines.

Wait, drug addict? Well, he was in a coma due to drug intoxication. Oh, I see. Not as in they put him in a coma with legal drugs. I thought medically induced. Okay. No, no, no. Intoxication.

Oh, Lord. Doctors successfully performed surgery to block the connection between the prostate and the rectum and he recovered oh good uh university of texas this is where this is of course it's america yeah of course this is this has crystal meth and and Oxycontin all over it. Yep. Oh, my Lord. Oh, and gosh, I mean, if there's something that, if anything's going to make you think, God, I need a hit, it's having jizz come out of your ass and shit out of your dick.

That's going to make you, I think I've earned a little taste of the good stuff here. Yeah. I've got shit coming out of my dick. Take the edge off. Can I have a glass of wine? Come on, it's 5pm. I've been shitting out my dick all day.

Oh, fair enough. Right away. Apparently, bum and wee connections are not unheard of. 0.5 people per 100,000 per year. But normally it's through surgery or some sort of condition. Sperm through the butt is so rare, there are few established cases. Gosh.

Oh, good. Good? I think that's good news. I think that that is good news. And, yeah, things are bigger in Texas I guess that doesn't even the piss

is thicker horrible thing to say real Texas man piss out their asshole and shit out their dick disgusting well on that man piss out their asshole and shit out their dick disgusting well on that is that the end of

the story from yeah that's the end all right I mean Elle the smell has really lived up to her name there thank you Elle yeah thank you Elle about as bud potty a story as you could imagine about as bud potty as it's possible to get I would say but like all good stories even this one

must come to an end and we've run out of time for this episode yeah but thank you all get tickets for our tours both Pierre's and mine and watch me on outsiders on Dave and

if you're in New York City I'm going to be doing one show this Saturday the 3rd of December so at the Gramercy Theatre. The car is selling out, but there are a couple of tickets left, so do jump on and check that out. Yeah. Lovely.

New York City. New York City. But until then, we'll see you on Friday if you're a Patreon. If not, see you next time. See you next week. Bye. Bye.