BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 193 - Sh*t or Bites?

Episode Date: December 14, 2022

We didn't want to win anyway, Call of Duty's diplomatic vagueness, Zimbabwean wine tasting, the BudPod COMMUNITY, correspondence from NC and Krish Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod 193. 193, uh, uh, Christmas trees. The Christmas trees are up. Yeah? Yeah, and the snow has fallen all around us. Children playing, having fun in London City. London is full of snow, it's true. It's very

picturesque. I'm looking outside at my car and it's got snow on it and it's very charming, but I can't tell if it's going to damage the car. Yeah. We're not used to snow and ice in the UK and London especially.

It very quickly turns to sort of cigarette ash um well Phil you and I both don't like hot weather but how do you feel about cold weather when it's cold enough to snow I love it yeah yeah I like it a lot um it's magical and in the UK it's only ever it's usually very very brief except for like you know the beast from the east a couple years back or these freak snow storms that can last a few days here it's it's it's it's kind of blinking you'll miss it this one seems to be hanging around especially now that lives are further out of london with less sort of residual city heat, city heat the heat of the city, melting the snow

out here in the relative countryside the snow is remaining undisturbed really Well you're a suburban boy really, aren't you? I'm now a suburban boy looking out onto a vista of snow-capped roofs.

It's all very Dickensian. Yeah, whereas I'm looking at snow on concrete tower blocks, and it's a bit more like a sort of survival video game of some kind. Yeah, it's like a... It's a modern warfare sort of map a call of duty map yeah yeah yeah captain price is about to sort of announce that um you we've got to find some sort of ill very very ethnically ambiguous smuggler i haven't played the played the call of duties for so long now

i couldn't i couldn't follow the stories when i did um no they haven't gotten less windy and weavy uh but they are good fun the most recent one is good fun and it is fun just to have captain price or ghost or whoever just being like uh you know we've got to locate albert chuli he's gonna smuggle missiles to kramamistan and you're like right okay where's where's this supposed to be then kramamistan and it's like a country with desert architecture, but also it's a bit snowy, and the guys you kill have kind of got Russian hats a bit,

but not really. And the languages are like... Yeah, and you go, I thought it was Russian for a second, but then there was a lot of like... And now I don't know. They're really being careful a few years back i think there was a micro gaming scandal when the modern warfare game had i think there was a map or a level in pakistan and there were signs in arabic instead of urdu yes Yes, that was Modern Warfare 2. They fucked it, yeah.

Right. That feels pretty basic thing to get right. Given that they're spending more than the budget of a Hollywood film, it's pretty pathetic. And the other thing they got wrong, which is much less culturally insensitive, was that there was a level on the London Underground at some point and all the signs said exit instead of way out boo boo to them and their cultural um hegemony over us

and ignorance also like they they got it they got london much better later in later versions of the game but i remember in that edition of the game their version of london was like this insane like flower boxes everywhere in like central it was so weird it was like this it was like they it was like um in short oh god what's it hot fuzz when they're trying to get village of the year and there's just flowers every everywhere but it was like uh we're in central london and it's like it's like a kind of village fair fucking vibe. It's truly incredible how bad video games get London, considering how many times these developers will have been to London and how important the UK is in video game development overall.

Yeah. That they still get london so i there's a there's a mission in one of the uncharted games where you're in london and literally everyone's in a flat cap wearing like a vest and it's meant to be now and all these pubs are like covered in velvet and it's it's like these guys in flat caps going, all right, me old mucker, what are you down here for then now? And it's like, come on, man. Where are these people?

That's why Americans eat bad food when they come to London because they go to like a Wetherspoons and they don't understand that they're in a chain worse than Arby's. All they do is they see a building and they go, wow wow it's like a medieval building with like old oak fixtures and they go well nothing old can be bad not in london wow best traditional fish and chips in london it says on here yeah with a picture of grenadier guard for some reason

there's a beef eater selling fish and chips this must be the queen's fish and chips they don't notice they're buying it from just like an albanian guy who doesn't speak enough english to even answer their questions about where buckingham palace is it's of course it's bad you have to go somewhere that doesn't look like somewhere that would be good in England that's the trick it's not fair but it is how it works Call of Duty is made by Activision right?

it's made by a few companies they alternate so it's Activision and Treyarch and they take one one does one then one does the next one so that's why they do change quite a lot in terms of the style of gameplay. Have you seen that Microsoft is trying to buy Activision? Blizzard apparently is the company together.

Yeah, so they merged and that's like Call of Duty and World of Warcraft and stuff. Like it's insane. Yeah, so the price of the purchase is like $69 billion. And to put that in context apparently when disney bought marvel marvel that was four billion yeah this is the thing video games are so much bigger than captain america and spider-man and all those other uh dorks yeah yeah yeah it's incredible i think a few years ago i read or heard that the size of the video game industry is more than music and film combined yeah i think that's right and but it doesn't feel like that

during during lockdown warzone call of duty warzone had like seven million active users or something like every day sick sick the population of a country yeah all just fucking just fucking screaming slurs at each other through headsets yeah um yeah i've been out i've i've i got myself a ps5 pierre it's at my feet right now you found a dealer for one well they seem to be kind of in stock right now um and this is the god of war ragnarok bundle i'm always trying to get the a bundle that represents my values when i get a new console and you know from time to time and i've enjoyed fifa in the past but sometimes i sometimes the only one available is the one that comes with FIFA. And I go,

okay, fine, but this isn't really my bundle. This bundle isn't really for me. My bundle should have the Norse folklore pictures on it. Not Mbappe. As good a footballer as he is, he's just not...

I don't know. It's nothing is, he's just not... I don't know. It's nothing personal. It's just, you know. Yeah, it would be like if some big proper fucking video game lad had to get a bundle with just like Encarta encyclopedia of medieval history or something.

I've missed that Encartater did you have on your computer in like windows 95 or something in carter yeah yeah it had like games or a slightly gamey right it was slightly gamey and phil it wasn't a cd it was a cd rom um right a rom imagine when was the last time you heard cd rom rom means read only right read only memory i don't know i just know that that's what it was yeah so read i think yeah read only means that you can't be written on again cd rw was cd rewritable um yeah cd rom i think it means read-only memory. Let me see.

But then they definitely... But they just stopped saying it. It was just CDs or DVDs after that. I remember the transition from video games. Call of Duty was one of the first video games that was on DVD, not CD. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was correct.

Read-only. I was correct. I got my 90s trivia correct. CD-ROM, read-only. Yeah, I remember that when the DVD game started, I was correct I got my 90s trivia correct 10 science points Yeah I remember that when the DVD game started I was like but DVDs are for movies And then everyone went no

these games are as big as movies and everyone went well that can't keep happening It's untenable But yeah I don't think I'll be able to Open up this sweet PS5 Till the new year at this point I'm just too busy Why?

I've just got so much fucking personal House admin shit I've just got so many letters And sort of bills to go through I feel like I feel like I feel like, you know what I feel like? I feel like Bob Cratchit. I do.

I do, Pierre. I was about to say. I was about to say you were Scrooge or Bob Cratchit with all that big quill and a pile of scrolls. If I was Scrooge, I'd be enjoying it, right? But I'm not enjoying it. I'm Bob Cratchit. I want to spend quality time with my son, in this case

the PS5. PS5 is my tiny Tim. Yeah, tiny PS5. Tiny PS5. I want to spend time with tiny PS5 but I can't because I'm just sat at my desk here trying to get through piles and piles of just envelopes and junk mail and fucking bills

and shit. And I've lit a candle on the side here very dangerous considering all the paper around me and i'm looking out on the snow and i'm what outside there are kids playing their playstation fives on the street and and i'm looking out and thinking oh well if only if only i were free to play my PS5 on the street. Are there kids in flat caps tapping their PS5 down the lane with a stick as it rolls? Yeah, the PS5 is just tumbling. Clack-a-tick-a-tack-a-tick-a-tack-a-tick-a.

And all the kids go, hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee. Or swatting on the stick. Yeah, kids using the PS5 to, like, thwack baseballs. like thwack baseballs but soon my sweet PS5 soon I'll get to you all these Phil some of these letters are they not the kind of things that dress to like homeowner that you can just bin

oh yeah a lot of those I've been straight away but there's other crap that I do have to pay attention to that I've just let sort of pile up oh to the homeowner um well um i mentioned mbappe and speaking of mbappe england were knocked out of the world cup that we actually didn't want to be a part of anyway actually the immoral one the immoral world cup yeah pretty pretty shameful france to yeah proceed in a world cup um so uh morally uh controversial as this one shame on france for winning i took the same to france oh you want to you want to win this okay no no no it's fine

it's just interesting that you want to win this World Cup it's just interesting yeah just pretty crazy that this is the one that you'd want to win yeah I guess it says something about who you are we didn't want to win it we didn't want to win it

yeah very depressing did watched the game i broke and i watched one i watched one this was the only one you watched no i haven't watched any other ones wow good on you man i i broke like a twig instantly and you're not even a fifa boy i'm not a fifa boy i like international football though because of the sort of the the um analogy it makes to war and battle between nations i like that and england and france fighting you know there's something sort of historically significant it feels about that yeah and it it feels more like because they're limited it's like no no you can only have the people that you've grown or something

yes yes exactly yeah and that's why club football means nothing to me because it's just watching multi-million pound international conglomerates fight against each other and it's like who cares who cares but this is the this is about um this is about the the sons of nations yeah as opposed to whose tax deduction can score more goals than the other tax that it was um it was quite it was a fun game I thought, it was exciting but it's never boring the referee I guess never wants to visit the UK or England at least

because some of those decisions poor Bukayo Saka who just he just gets beat up like a punching bag every international tournament. Those decisions. I remember I said to someone, wait, where's the referee from?

And they said Brazil. And I was like, oh, okay. That makes sense. You asked me. I told you. Yeah. That was you. That was you.

That's right. Because if you're from a country that is just famous for the most violent lower leagues and stuff. Right. Yeah. Just like insane South American football football then it's just like well yeah obviously you think this is fine you maniac this is it this is it you're god and i think amazon every international tournament when they can play is a reminder of how rough the rest of the world's football is. Yeah. Like apparently, I watched,

I watched the really good documentary about Diego Maradona and he went off to play in Italy for Naples and apparently the Italian league is just so brutal. He had to sort of learn to fight basically. But it's just not like that here. No. Well, it used to be, you know like the the tough guy

actor vinnie jones i mean he was a footballer and it's amazing that like can you imagine now a young man getting a reputation as like a fucking hard as nails brawler through football yeah not in our news snowflake culture pierre well it's just that in the game, it became more valuable to fall on the floor than not fall on the floor. That's it. That's it.

Yeah. But congratulations to our boys. I thought France probably were better anyway. Yeah. They seem to be faster I don't even know enough about football this is just like two fucking

guys with no lips judging a smiling contest this is insane it's also like England did just pass to France a lot as far as I can tell there's just a lot of passing to France gentlemanly yeah gentlemanly conduct yeah There's just a lot of passing to France. Gentlemanly. Yeah. Gentlemanly conduct.

Yeah. That's what that is. Very annoying, but that's life. And now I can go back to, I'm like King Arthur, back to my barrow to sleep for years until the next time I care about football. Yeah, hibernate like a bear. Yeah, I can go back to

not caring at all. You're not going to watch the rest? You're not going to see how well Morocco do? I mean, I'll look at the score on the internet, but I won't bother watching. Sure. Sure. Fuck them. That's what I say. Fuck them all.

The World Cup and Qatar, I mean mean as opposed to morocco specifically i actually want morocco to do well morocco versus france oh no morocco france is next was that today no today is croatia argentina yeah oh speaking of international competitions pierre i don't know how I forgot to mention this. On the flight to New York, on my recent New York trip, I watched a really brilliant documentary film called Blind Ambition. Have you heard of this film? No, what is it?

It's about the first ever Zimbabwean team at the International Wine Tasting Championships. Ooh, that sounds very good. It was really good. It's about these four Zimbabwean guys who are refugees, essentially, from Zimbabwe into South Africa. Okay, yeah. And they started... I mean, they all have slightly different stories, but roughly they started as waiters at restaurants, high-end restaurants.

They each got like, found a taste for the wine there, and then they just each sort of got obsessed with wine, and then they become like four of the top sommeliers in South Africa. Oh, wow. And so, but Zimbabwe has never had a team at this wine tasting championship, so they got together and formed the first team. And so the story is the story.

It's their backstories and the story of them preparing and training. And then they go off to Burgundy in France to take part in the competition. And it's great. It's really interesting. Really good. I learned a bit about Zimbabwe. competition and it's it's great it's really interesting really good i learned a bit about zimbabwe and like the i didn't realize just how desperate situations zimbabwe is in sort of economically oh god yeah yeah yeah yeah because when we're in south africa

yeah the the the the the the migrant labor in south africa is predominantly from zimbabwe yes yeah in in the same way that here it was say the polish for a while it's now that's mexico that's becoming a different story yeah yeah mexico america and here the polish story is changing quite dramatically i mean i actually heard that i read or heard that by by 2040 or something but 2030 are the current rates um the average average wealth in poland might is going to be higher than the average wealth in in the uk well that's the difference is that the the polish weren't particularly coming out of massive desperation which the zimbabweans are right yeah they were just coming because

like the amount of money you could get for some fairly standard just like basically good quality work was so high proportionately um yeah yeah so well anyway so yeah the story is different in in south africa and and zimbabwe and there's one bit that really got to me basically one of the um one of the xamiles he needs he needs two guys to do some work for that day and he just drives to this place where guys who have especially essentially escaped from zimbabwe yeah yeah well probably not legal yes um he just drives up and he rolls down his window and these guys hanging around and he goes, he just goes out the window. I need two men. And these guys just rush the car.

Yeah. They just so desperate just to have to get to the car just for a day's work. Yeah. And it's, yeah, it was really affecting because it's just, you know, it was just like pure survival. They had to get to this car just to get a day's work. And they were like trying to beat each other into the car and like the third guy in the car was like can you get can you take three guys just begging this guy can you take can you take three guys today it was just it was brutal yeah um yeah yeah it's just it was really extraordinary no i mean like zimbabwe i mean even even like my my

aunt's my one of my aunt's old friends who who's obviously in a much better position than that, is still having to get water delivered because there's just nothing in the pipes. Like, nothing works at all. In Zimbabwe? Yeah. Yeah. Nothing works.

It's very corrupt. The irony is that if you want to go on holiday there, it's actually very expensive because everything for the elites still works. Right. But it's actually very expensive because everything for the elites still works. Right. But it's in such short supply that it's all extremely expensive. It's like you're going on a luxury holiday on like a fucking moon base and everyone else just has no food, you know. Right.

Yeah. Yeah. No, the whole thing's fucked. I mean, yeah. You see that sometimes. Certainly, I've seen it in American fiction where someone just pulls up and there's like a a bunch of guys on the street stereotypically mexicans wearing like flannels you know like yeah checkered shirts and they're saying i need four four guys uh can anyone do bricklaying or whatever and they've just rushed jumps in the back of the truck yeah yeah migrant labor yeah

yeah it's really yeah i've never really seen it like that you know i've never seen that that moment yeah um yeah but yes anyway it's a really good little film blind ambition that's did it go into why they had to leave were they were they um in the belly or was it all just different stories for each of them it seemed to be mainly around so it looks from what i can gather the 2008 crash was particularly disastrous yeah for zimbabwe and and i think most of them was just the fact of there was just no work and no money to be made in in zimbabwe and their families to support and they just there was just no work yeah seemed to be the main one yeah and there's a lot of um there's a lot of xenophobia in south africa as well which i mean you when we were there you and i discussed it like ntawa rira who's the one of the best

springbok rugby players because he was born in zimbabwe like you would think that he would have support like if you were a westerner and what i've encountered is that if you're a westerner you'd assume he'd have support from the black population as a kind of black sports icon but he doesn't because he's seen as a foreigner by a lot of people he still does have some support yeah yeah but he gets some shit too on social media yeah yeah yeah i mean yeah i mean africa is a big place right and everyone's got their own yeah it's from because from an outsider perspective we think oh you know there's a black representation but no they've all got their own beefs with each other obviously that's the trouble is that we have to see the world as if we were american and just the idea of blackness as its own completely neutral

category which it is in america much more so yeah yeah that's part of the world's new cultural disease which is to just have to view all of their own domestic problems through some crazy american lens yeah and it's also a problem with this language of community that has become very popular in western commentary um circles of like everyone fits into a community right the black community the lgbt community the asian community and then when you're confronted with a an environment where people who all qualify for this one community suddenly have very different objectives and perspectives and sort of personal life uh experiences suddenly the whole community idea breaks apart because it's actually everyone's you know they're divisions within divisions yeah yeah it's kind of a well i mean as as we've

discussed the the discomfort that i mean not just maybe yourself but lots of other people we know have around just throwing the word bame around as if it covers everything yeah yeah um yeah i i think i read once some someone who likes you know one of these people who likes to use community described a university as an academic community. I was like, what, you mean a university? What the fuck is, why? Why are people obsessed with this word community all the time?

I think it's to sort of cutify things that are actually quite, that actually are quite deeply entrenched problems that need that need fixing yeah it kind of cutifies things maybe this is a conversation that is spicy enough to qualify for bonus pod but um but for example in america they like it's where homelessness is a very big problem in america yeah among some circles instead they say we don't say homeless we say the unhoused community and you go what what yeah but no but then that sounds like it's a community that sort of should be protected and kept in that state when what's the truth is people

should not be homeless right yeah if you make it sound like they're all part of this cuddly community suddenly it's not a problem to be solved but another type of another version of living that should be accommodated i mean to pardon the pun you know and it isn't you know we shouldn't we shouldn't have an unhoused community that people are homeless there shouldn't be homeless it's not it's not like we have to respect this new community the existence of this community it's a problem i swear there used to be a feature called community watch in private eye about exactly this where it just sort of go oh really yeah just? Yeah, just going like the 24-hour tech support community. You know, just, what?

Do you mean just group? You're just trying to say group. Yeah, or just type of person, or single unifying characteristic. Yeah, I mean. That's what they mean, just like a characteristic. Yeah, just like a job description, as you say, a quality of temporary nature,

hopefully like homelessness, where it's like, well, it's not like, ah, you'd all gather around the campfire and sing the traditional homeless community songs and dances. Yeah. Yeah. And I think it's sort of,

I think it's born out of good intentions, language of kindness. You know, I think that's what it's born out of, trying to be kinder with language. But it can have adverse effects with kind language because, you know, you actually lose specificity and you lose, you know, because you don't want to soften language around problems because problems need to be solved. And if the description of a problem sounds soft and cute cute it doesn't sound like it needs to be fixed yeah and i think there's also i think there's also an arms race especially in in the academic community to to talk like like just just choosing words that make it seem like you've got some sort of more highly advanced idea of something simple gets you more attention or money or praise or yeah yeah exactly um but anyway this this conversation that that's a taster for the kind of spiciness we normally delve into in the bonus part yeah um and maybe we'll i think we'll

maybe we'll expand on that um when we when we depart to whichever secretive locale we're at this week. Yeah, but now, Phil, it's time for some messages from the Bad Pad community. We love... Yeah, we're going to reason correspondence from the shitting community right now. I think I speak for everyone here in the shitting community when I say we are not going to stand for this we'll sit as we always do we'll sit

even to wipe we'll sit have you seen all that about some people stand to wipe no yeah but then I think people get confused i've seen lots of twitter threads about this i think they're still standing in a kind of like bent over crouch i don't think they're just standing ramrod straight like a guardsman i know i know pooping and being in the toilet is a private affair but i still imagine a little bit that i'm being watched a little bit

yeah you know i still have, I still have to, I still have to conduct myself with some dignity, even in private. I'm not like bending over straight and just reaching under me. You know, you have to do it with some dignity even then. Yeah. Okay, anyway, let's hear from the shedding community.

Correspondence time. Ring rings. Letters. Emails. Emails. Phone calls. anyway let's hear from the shedding community correspondence time letters, emails, phone calligraphy your sister and her father letters correspondence okay

we hear from it has been signed off NC so I will call him NC NC North Carolina yeah okay

that's all I can think of with regards to NC what else is NC not coming I'm not coming so NC says hi PNP been listening through the backlog up to episode 36 and hoping you're still receiving poo stories in the far future here's mine i've got some way to go there and see yeah so nc says it sounds like it sounds like he's taking on take they're taking it on at a reason at at at a responsible pace yeah doctors do recommend also we're we're so fucking behind that like i i saw in the most recent email someone was like uh oh i sent you this did you miss it and i just

thought oh you poor pig man because whatever he was checking about he'd only sent it a month ago. And it's like, oh, buddy. No, no, no. No, no, no, no. Don't worry, listeners. If we haven't read your thing out, we may have missed it. We may not have. But you'll only find out in a fucking year. We've got a backlog like the NHS over here, Pierre.

This is... You send in a correspondence. maybe you'll get an appointment in 2024 it's why we're going on strike over christmas it's just a ridiculous the government refuses to meet with us about our emails so nc says on 10-day scout camp at age 16 ish at a scottish loch oh loch loch in scotland myself and two other i won't do that myself and two others go overnight hiking to a bothy oh bothy yeah so these are these are sort of essentially unattended publicly available huts in the scottish uh wilderness yeah where just it's all first come first serve if you're

hiking you can just drop into a bothy and stay the night and you move on in the morning yeah they're a bit like emergency cabins for our north american listeners i think but i don't know if they are supplied in the same way. So he describes it as a sort of camping hut designed for overnight stays for hikers. Which is about right. Yeah, that's it. The toilet situation at the scout camp is

pretty solid. A special tent with a big hole in the middle and a toilet seat. TP, air freshener, hand gel. Stinky but sanitary. Yeah. Very nice. Yeah. And NC says, but I wanted more luxury. Oh. Greed. Greed. Greed at the Bothy.

The downfall of many a hiker. Greed. Bothy greed. Bothy greed. You must never succumb to Bothy greed. Bothy greed. Bothy greed. You must never succumb to bothy greed. Great manager of so many bands. Bothy greed. Bothy greed, yeah. So he says, I was lured on the bothy hike,

mostly through the promise of a proper toilet and hygiene, after a week of teenage filth. Teenage filth? He puts in brackets, no running water. Oh, okay. So that makes sense. Yeah, you're probably pretty honky, pretty stinky. Wait, where was...

Oh, the teenage filth was at the camp. Yeah, he's on a 10-day scout camp. So he's in the wilderness. This is it. Full stop. I see. Yeah. So he's in the wilderness.

This is it. Full stop. I see. Yeah. I think I would watch a movie called The Week of Teenage Filth. It would be like a kind of thriller, hammer horror thing or something. Yes. Yes. So for the six-hour hike, I'm touching cloth all the way.

He's been saving up for the body. Oh, God. Oh, God god I hate all I don't know why We subject ourselves to this Because I actually Even hearing the phrase touching cloth I'm like oh for fuck's sake It's a love hate relationship I have

With these stories I think But it's good because I think Me reading them to you creates this barrier that stops you getting jaded so you just still roar every week for a new one yeah and also it's also like it's a good sign that i'm not sort of just descending into scatological madness where i've lost all uh you know it's not like it's got to the point where i'm just going out into polite society

going, and then I shut myself and I smeared it all over my face. What about you? Do you like to do that? At least I am sort of maintaining my civility. It's a good sign. It's a good sign is what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're keeping it level.

Not a lot of men can cope with the weight of all this. So he's hiking for six hours touching cloth to the Bothy. We arrive. I burst into the hut. To the Bothy or the Bothy? Huh? Sorry, when you said Bothy, I heard Bothy. Touching cloth to the Bothy.

Yes, the Bothy. It would be the Bothy. Yeah, the Botti Bothy. You burst into the hut. Like, kick down the door. Yeah. We arrive. I burst into the hut. And no toilet. Oh no. Worse, only stagnant water and no toilet paper.

Oh boy. Yeah. Welcome to Bothy's. Yeah. i presume the next sentence uh is very funny i have to go and squat in the bushes and it is bad oh no everywhere below the waist not coated by my campfire food poisoned mess. Oh, right. Oh, I see. Everywhere below the waist, not coated by my campfire food poisoned mess, as in like his shed. Oh, okay.

We've skipped a couple of steps here. So he's gone straight to the bush. He says, I have to go squat in the bushes and it is bad. Ah, because he's been holding it so long. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, right. It is bad. So it's okay.

The pooping is bad. Yeah. Not just, okay. Yep. because he's been holding it so long yeah yeah yeah oh right it is bad so it's okay the pooping is bad yeah not just okay yep so he says basically everywhere below his waist not coated by the horrible shit is bitten by swarms of midges so in a way the shit has actually become a sort of protective shield against the midges yeah yeah yeah like in predator where arnold covers himself in shit to fight the Predator. The Predator goes, and that means that he could kill him.

The Predator is so revolted. Right, okay. So he's covered in either shit or bites at this point. Yeah, shit or bites. Pick your poison, shit or bites at this point. Shit or bites. Pick your poison. Shit or bites. That's our version of Papa Dumbs or bread.

Shit or bites. Shit or bites. Shit or bites, Victoria Coren Mitchell. Shit or bites. Shit or bites, Dan Aykroyd. What? I don't know. So, so he says, yeah,

shit or bites. He says, the midges are the worst part. Swarms dense enough to taste through a closed mouth. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What? Say that again. The midges are the worst part. Swarms of them dense enough to taste through a closed mouth.

Fucking hell. What does that mean? As in, like, there's so many that even if you close your mouth and they're still kind of getting in there. They're just everywhere. Oh, my Lord. These are Highland midges, Phil. These are the worst in the country.

I did not know that about Highland midges. Did you not know this? Summer in the Highlands is an orchestra of suffering. Lovely phrase. Oh, man. I'm picturing Nicolas Cage in the remake of The Wicked Man going, not the bees, not the bees, but it's midges and shit. Genuinely, when we used to do all sorts of camping and stuff

as teenagers on the Isle of Man, at one point we resorted to a deodorant can lighter flamethrower. Yeah, Wow. It can get so bad, and they bite you so much. Gosh. Gosh, no thanks. So he says, Swarm's dense enough to taste through a closed mouth.

Legs are caked. Underpants are dripping. Fucking hell. What? What? Has he even got his trousers off at all? It just sounds like there was so much collateral damage that it was almost a formality.

Yeah. Ugh. Camping sucks, man. It just sucks. Like, people keep going, Oh, no, it's actually once you know what you're doing and you get the right kit and it's... No, it sucks.

It's fundamentally wrong. It's what we advanced ourselves to avoid and now you you voluntarily subject yourself to it why why what is the pleasure what is the pleasure all i ever hear are horror stories i like the idea of you gesturing at a man whose head is covered in flies and his legs are covered in shit. Gesturing at him saying, what is the pleasure? What is the pleasure? What is the pleasure in this? He says, I don't really remember the cleanup.

Needless to say, clothes were abandoned to the swamp. They just sink into the swamp. And like the swamp makes a noise. He's like, yes, yes. sink into the swamp and like the swamp makes a noise like yes yes and that I slept on the opposite end of the cabin to the less smelly boys and then all was forgotten back at camp

well is he naked from the bottom from the waist down like Winnie the Pooh at this point is he Winnie the Pooh-ing through the highlands oh bother Is he Winnie the Pooh-ing through the highlands? Oh, bother. Oh, Buffy. Oh, Buffy.

Winnie the Pooh's head covered in tiny flies. Horrible. Horrible. covered in tiny flies. Oh! Horrible. He says, I returned home from Scotland with dried out lips,

a dehydrated frame, and a thousand meter stare and midge bites on my peen. Keep jacking it, NC. Oh man. Thank you, NC. Sorry about your suffering. That sounds horrible. What a ghastly time but glad you survived yeah yeah and this is why this is why we shouldn't even in the uk with one of the most benign safe wildernesses in the world yeah there is still there is still danger there is still threat it's still uncomfortable

it's still unwise to be frank yeah it shouldn't be done we have the technology we don't have to do this we can end quickly on a lovely message from Krish

Krish, what a dish Krish. Krish. What a dish, Krish. What a dish you are. Krish says, hi buds. A little pooey child anecdote for you. From a run-of-the-mill train journey from Richmond to central London. Let me set the scene. It's a rainy Sunday

and everything is grey on board the Richmond to Stratford Overground Service Lovely train Lovely A small child is talking to her mum about the rain and how she can see it from in a train Oh sweet

She doesn't yet understand that those words rhyme Ah The child, perhaps four years old, turns to her mother and suddenly quips, Mummy, would you like to play a game of guess if I've... Mummy,

would you like to play a game of guess if I've pooed my pants? Would you like to play? Suddenly she turns into Jigsaw. Yeah. Mummy, would you like to play a game? There is or is not shit in my pants right now. Time to find out.

That's so funny. They're trying to turn it into like a parlor game. Yeah. Like she's in a like she's in a novel in a fucking Dickensian novel would you like to shall we play a spot of have I shat myself yeah or like

well I'm afraid we're snowed in and the detective won't be here for hours shall we play a game of guess if I've pooed my pants oh jolly good. Mr. Poirot, would you care to join? A wizard. Yes. Yeah.

So the kid says, Mummy, would you like to play a game of Guess If I've Pooed My Pants? Her mum nonchalantly replies, Well can't smell anything so i'll say you haven't pooed in your pants it's an interesting counter gambit from the mom yeah yeah well played yeah i see you've played before probably wishful thinking i see you've played before. Probably wishful thinking. Ah, I see you've played Have I Pooped My Pants Before? The child responds with, But my pants feel heavy when I poo myself,

and right now they feel heavy. Really, like, logical process of deduction here. It's funny as well that the kid kind of doesn't know the answer yeah yeah i'm as mystified as you mr holmes so the kid goes but my pants feel heavy when i poo myself and right now they feel heavy the mom again casually replied with well then you've pooed your pants haven't you the child smiled and they got off at the next stop what a delightful scene yeah it's like something from a lovely painting or a little victorian novel

yeah um chris says uh there's something very arrogant and psychopathic and hilarious about It's like something from a lovely painting or a little Victorian novel. Krish says, there's something very arrogant and psychopathic and hilarious about a child admitting to shitting her pants to her mom with, would you like to play a game? Yes. Krish says, the future of Bud Pod is in safe hands, it seems. And he says, wish you both a lovely Christmas. Apologies if this sounds insane when you read it out and it's not Christmas. Well, Krish, good news. Wow, how has Krish got in in time for Christmas?

It's that old. It's last year's Christmas. Wow. We're that far behind. We're a year behind. Wow. Fantastic. Hopefully we'll stay exactly a year behind

so at least all the holidays sync up. Yeah, that would be nice. That pooping girl is now a year older. Yeah, and a year wiser. Now she must know definitely for sure when she's pooed her pants. Thank you, Krish. That was a lovely story. Thank you, Krish. And thank you, guys. Little extra thing. When this comes out, Wednesday the 14th, I'm announcing extra dates

for my Soho Theatre run because the week is basically sold out. There are only crappy seats left for weirdos, I'm afraid. Any fellow weirdos who would like to take those seats, please do. Lots of them are on their own

or in an awkward place in the room, so enjoy. But if you don't want that and you would like to see me do jokes in early february then watch out for excuse me the tweet i will inevitably be doing or instagram post about this yeah brilliant brilliant brilliant yeah get those ticks um but we must now to the bonus part yeah if. If you want a bonus part with spicy conversations an extra half hour of Bud Pod a week do sign up to our Patreon.

Yes please. But otherwise we'll see you next time. Good day to you. Bye. Bye.