BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 20 - Duodecapod!

Episode Date: July 10, 2019

The big TWO-OH! Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie talk about blue witches, electric witches, selfies, Glastonbury crystal nonsense, old Chinese, an African man, seeing George Galloway in a diner and Nigel Farage taking a call, being the main character in the movie of life, the cosy vibes of Folk-Gothic and Hygge, disguising the fact that you're at work, bum bum wife, soup flushing, slow pooer relatives, Norman weaponry, and Phil's public jacking it confrontation! Plus plenty of correspondence! Get in touch: [e-mail] and @TheBudPod on Twitter! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to BudPod 20! 20! 2-0 the Deca- the Deca- the Deca- the Deca-pod. The Duo- the Duo- the Duo-Deca-pod. The Duo-Deca-pod. The Duo-Deca-pod. Which is a Pokemon. Yes. Statistically, by now.

Yeah, it's just two number 10s with legs. Yeah. And numbers look like weapons. Yes, numbers look like weapons How you doing, Phil? I'm okay, I'm good I got back from Bristol today Oh, yes

I was in Bristol over the weekend To do the Bristol Comedy Gardens Was that good? It was great! Really, really great gig And then I did a preview of my Edinburgh show At the Wardrobe Theatre last night Also in Bristol

Thank you to all who came The Wardrobe That's a nice one isn't it It's a beautiful room And for those of you who want to buy tickets To Phil's Edinburgh show Too bad cunts It's sold out

Fuck off You fuck off Don't even You dare try to Yeah tickets have Incredibly Sold out for my entire fringe run This has not happened to me before so thank you if you book tickets

There may be some more tickets Becoming available at some point in the future I couldn't possibly say at this venture But just keep your eyes peeled on My various social media outlets Mainly Twitter Yeah keep your eyes peeled for extra various social media outlets, mainly Twitter. Yeah, keep your eyes peeled for extra Phil tickets. And if you are a Bud Pod fan,

there are, needless to say, as far as I'm aware, a trillion tickets available for my show. So do come see me as well. Oh, yeah. For the love of God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or Phil might go mad with power. I might go mad with power and take over the podcast

but of course it's Pierre who makes the podcast work and I don't know how to make it work so the podcast will end so if you don't want that to happen yeah it'll be like that thing where the barbarians took over Rome and then it all just fell to bits because they were like

wow all this fruit and silver and meat and palaces, these are great. And it's like, well, you know, you need to really maintain it. Never mind. What are you talking about? You know we're called barbarians, right? with a bear for clothes, a skin of a bear for clothes, a big hat with horns, and a giant axe, and evil biker boots? Do I look like a man who's willing to try and institute

a Western Europe and North Africa-wide progressive taxation system to be slowly maintained and expanded over hundreds of years? Because I'm not gonna. I'm gonna chop everyone's heads off for looking at me wrong and have a thousand wives here in the ruins of whatever temple this was for before they must have shat themselves when they saw this isn't this is boring and nerdy perhaps but like in in my studies there was anglo-saxon poem poem where an Anglo-Saxon guy was walking around Bath. The city of Bath in this country.

And looking at all the Roman ruins. And because they didn't know what concrete was, these buildings were just beyond his comprehension at the time. And he thought that giants built them before the flood of Noah's Ark. Right. That was his theory. It's always giants with these people. They love to blame things on giants. Leave the giants alone. There's a member

of the giant community. I'm three inches short of being a giant. Six foot eight, is it? I thought it was six seven. Maybe this might be six seven. But if I was a little taller. If I was a little bit taller I would be a giant. It doesn't really scan as well. And I'd be medically entitled

to assistance. What assistance would you need If you're very tall I remember at university if you qualified as a giant If you were 6 foot 7 or above you got a special bed Yeah that makes sense Even without my special bed My feet still hung over the edge Like I'd broken into a gnome's house

You're in the worst of all worlds We have the inconveniences of being a giant, but you don't quite qualify for the sweet, sweet perks. The sweet, sweet G perks. Your own beanstalk. Goose that lays a golden egg. Yes. The basic giant pension package.

Exactly. I can't get fee, fi, or fum. I'd sell it for fee at this point Hell I'll take fum But yes Do buy tickets for my Edinburgh show It's on at 7.15 in the Pleasant Courtyard I assume at this point my whole run

Has sold minus 10 tickets They've added 10 chairs to punish me For not selling any tickets But who knows Maybe every night we'll be rammed with pod buds. Yes. And it'll just be an evening of needless catchphrase-ery. That would be ideal.

Yeah. I got a sneaky catchphrase recently. I tweeted it. Yes. I just sat in a pub and... An incident took place. A man with long hair quietly walked over and handed me a piece of paper

and walked away to the bar. Yeah. And, I mean, I was terrified. I didn't know what... Yeah, that is something out of a... Well, it's something out of a Dungeons & Dragons campaign. I think it's more... Find the emerald.

I thought it was more something out of a fucking house of cards. I was like, oh, fuck, what have they found out? What do they know? So, if anything, to keep jacking it was actually a welcome relief. They know I've stopped jacking it, oh no. Yeah, you thought you'd open it and they'd go, we know you have the antidote or something. What would be the scariest appearance for someone doing that?

To have? Yeah, so you're in the corner of a bar and in a table or whatever and someone comes and leaves a note and walks away their look i'm gonna say okay um because it's different if it's well maybe it's not so different if it's a man or a woman but if it's a woman the scariest would be either bag lady okay or like have you come from the opera or very very um evening gown yeah so either one of those extremes yeah and like the bag lady comes and drops the note and like runs back outside and she disappears into the urban chaos. What? No! And the evening gown lady comes in and drops the note and goes into a limo, a big anonymous limo, drives away.

Both of those, absolutely terrifying. What if it was a crazy bag lady who handed you the note and then got into a huge limo? I'd just pee my pants. I've never been more afraid in my life. Just piss all over the pub. Did you see? Did you see? That would be terrifying

Whereas a lady comes in Just in a fleece and jeans Drops it off And then cycles away There's a raffle There's a raffle She's letting you know Where her weekend fruit stand is

Yes She can't The hand-drawn fly is to be quirky Yeah, yeah, yeah There's cupcakes involved There's a sale on cupcakes. Yeah. I think for me the scariest appearance would be me but older.

Ooh. Yeah, that's good. Like, just for a second I go, was that me? Me but, like, greying and wrinkly. All wrinkled up. That I'd be scared to... I was handed a strange note in Australia. Were you? I was handed a strange note in Australia Were you?

I was outside taking a call And A young lady about mid to late 20s Started She was holding this broom A broom? A broom And I thought she was like

Sweeping outside, I thought she worked for the cafe And then she just kept catching my eye. And I saw her eye and tried to continue my phone conversation. And then while I was on the phone, she walked over and handed me a note. Yeah. And I said, with my eyes, okay, thank you. And then I finished the call and I opened the note and it said i am the blue witch you've you have caught my eye i would like to talk to you um if you have a moment

please come over to where i'm sat in the cafe and then there's a drawing of her riding the plastic broomstick oh my god and what yeah I am the blue witch. It was either blue witch or white witch or some witch. Like electric witch or something. Electric witch? Something like this. I'm the gas witch. And the gas switch.

And the light switch. And so intrigued I walked over. Quite right, yeah. And she... This is very side quest-y too. It was extremely side quest-y. I thought I was about to be given something to do for some jewels. And I went over and I said, so, hi.

And she said, oh, thank you for coming to say hi. She was Russian. Sure. This is all lining up. Baba Yaga. And I said, because i was there for the melbourne comedy festival i said oh is this like a character is this an act and she went act and i said yeah are you doing a show or is this like a street performance thing and she said and she just went i'm the blue witch oh wow i'm a witch. Okay. Old? Young? Young. About our age. Yeah, yeah.

And she said, and I was like, really interesting to get, I'm a witch. And then she said she'd seen a couple of my YouTube videos and could we have a selfie? That is so shit. Hey, she's a modern witch. That's a modern... She's a modern witch. She's an electric witch. She's a member of the occult, not Amish. You're big in the witch community.

Yeah. The witch demographics you're nailing. Yeah, and you know what? I'm proud. I'm proud to be part of that demographic. You've got to start selling Phil Wang-branded Wiccan twig sculptures or whatever the fuck. Yeah, or black cats. Oh, dude, I didn't tell you.

At Glastonbury. So there are some real hippies at Glastonbury. They're the real deal, yeah. Yeah, and they've been there since the beginning, really. And they have marked off their own sort of teepee village. Well, apparently if you're there from early enough, you get given lifetime entrance. Yeah, pretty much.

To preserve the native character of the place. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So they have prime real estate, really. They have these big old teepees. And I went with my friend who is a little more engaged with that kind of thing than I am. And we walked past a teepee that had next to it a big painted picture of an old Chinese lady. big painted picture of an old chinese lady and she was like wearing like a chinese um shirt with all the gilded patterns and she was doing like a praying hands thing and smiling and it's like a hand-painted sign outside this teepee and it said under her chong fu and i walked past my friend

and i said um well I bet there is absolutely No one Chinese in there whatsoever Oh yes And my friend said you don't know that And I was like we haven't seen a single Chinese person at this festival What are the odds that there's one in here In here in part of the The original Glastonbury

Hippies the Druids And she's like you don't know There could And she's like, you don't know. There could be a Chinese person there. You don't know. We should have a look. And I said, there's no point in us having a look. I know there's no one Chinese in there. And she said, I bet there is.

And I said, okay, I bet there is. I bet there is not a single Chinese person in there. And she said, fine, I bet there is a Chinese person there. And if I win, you have to engage in whatever thing they have going on. And then if you're right, I have to engage in whatever thing they have going on and then if you're right I have to engage in whatever thing they have going on and I was like fine so we walk in and we peer inside

the teepee hole and I've never won a bet so hard in my life there was one chubby ginger guy and his name was Chong Fu and his sister was lying down covered in rocks. Covered in rocks? Covered in healing stones.

And we were like, are you Chung Fu? To the ginger guy. And he said, no, no. My mother channels the spirit. So if you come in tomorrow at 10.30am, my mother will be here. And she channels an ancient spirit and the ancient spirit is called Cheng Fu

and we were like, so is Cheng Fu Chinese? and he said, no like it was a weird question to even ask really? but this picture, we'll tell that Cheng Fu is a man not a woman so this whole thing is and I'm looking at this picture

I've never seen a more Chinese person in a picture. Yeah. And he was like, no, Chung Fu has taken on many forms. Right. The last form was a Chinese person and his nickname for a while was Old Chinese. Old Chinese.

That was this being, this spirit's nickname for a while was Old Chinese. His nickname? What were the other spirits down at the spirit club? What? It's basically, this guy's like, he's Prince, right? He just changes his name from time to time. Sure.

But he's really stuck with a Chinese theme. More Bao. He's Bao-y. This spirit's a Bow-y. He has these monikers that he changes from time to time. But there's a strong theme. He's gone, you know what? Of all the millions of human forms I've taken and spirit forms, for some reason, the Chinese are my favorite.

For one point. So he was like the advisor to the last Chinese emperor for a while. Right. Which one did they say was the last one? I can't remember. The illegal Japanese Manchurian one that was imposed. Because that would be quite controversial. Ah, 1946.

It got deposed and whatever the hell it was. I can't even remember. Okay, but either way. I think he said Dowager at one point. Sure, he said through the word Dowager in there. Why not? Blind them with science. And then he brought out his bag of crystals.

And started showing us these crystals. He's like, I don't make very much from these. Isn't this one beautiful? This one cost me 70 pounds. It's like the ugliest amalgamation of crystals I've ever seen, held together by some horrible black resin. And he gave me some stones to hold, and I was like, can you feel the

magnetic force between these stones? And I'm already thinking, no, because they're stones. They're not metal. They need a lot of metal in them for there to be any magnetic force between these stones. And I'm already thinking, no, because they're stones. They're not metal. They need a lot of metal in them for there to be any magnetic force. And I hold them in my hands and they're like... My friend is trying to get into this as well.

She's like, don't you feel they're repelling each other? And I just was like, I can feel a bunch of stones in my hand. Yeah. Crystals! Crystals, crystals, crystals! That's right, it's me, Chongfu. But you might know me as Old Chinese.

Well, those days of helping the Dowager Chinese Emperor are way behind me now. But what I did keep are all my beautiful crystals. A fucking fuckton of crystals. Every crystal you could want. I got purple crystals. I got clear crystals. I got heavy ones.

And boy, do I have them expensive. Buy. Buy your crystals. Help your soul. Help your heart. Help your love life. Do they work? Do they?

Do they? Do they work? Do they? Do they? Do they work? Do they? Maybe. Chung Fu. Come to Chung Fu's Crystal Warehouse. Then come through the gate and I'm the third crystal warehouse on the right. There are two others but that's shit don't go to those crystal warehouses come to mind chung fu crystals where crystals go to be bought by my crystals the best crystals and southern english air i don't know where this place is i was put in a dark van and i woke up here they won't tell me where i am, so sorry about the vague directions. But they won't let me go until you've bought enough crystals from me. Chung Fu.

Crystals! Crystals! At one point he was talking about how he buys all this. He was so self-satisfied. He bought all these crystals from Malawi. Right. He said in his own words, an African man

gets on a rope and picks these stones out of a cave. An African man. An African man? He buys them direct from an African man, who I presume he's never learned the name of. Did he say he goes out to Malawi to do this? No, no, he imports

these stones straight from Malawi, where an African man... As far as he's aware, an African man... An African man rappels down a rope into a cave. Mission impossible. And chips away at little bits of amethyst. Yeah, okay. And then he said, which made

me want to leave straight away, yeah, his kids go to school because I buy these, basically. Wow. And I wanted to... Wow. I wanted to kick him in the chung fu. I couldn't believe it.

I couldn't believe he'd said that. That's incredible. His kids go to school because I buy these. Wow. I'm sure someone's kids go to school because he buys those. I couldn't believe he'd said that. That's incredible. His kids go to school because I buy these. Wow. I'm sure someone's kids go to school because he buys those. I don't know if it's an African man's. So another way he goes, and the

rocks are handed over by a semi-legal militia and the head of the militia's children go to school because of me fucking hell I could not I was just furious and when I get that angry I don't really

speak so I just sat there like and he's just like this is not really your kind of thing and I was like no it's not really my kind of thing patronising racially charged. Patronizing garbage. Who painted the incredibly Chinese woman painting?

That's all I want to know. I have no idea. I have no idea. But then I thought, isn't it revealing that the people who claim to have found enlightenment are living lives you would never want, sitting in a teepee with your top off patronizing africans yes that um what enlightenment has has brought you to this point that's no and why should i want this that's nirvana phil that guy doesn't have to ever be reincarnated again the true meaning of this plane of existence is shirtlessness, yes.

Shirtlessness and buying fake crystals from an African man. From an African man. Wouldn't it be really funny if it turned out that Nirvana was just scamming people? And then secretly he'd admit it, like, I love scams, baby. I've got so many scams. Chung Fu was my mum's scam and I'm scamming too because she taught me.

I think it'd be really interesting if it turned out enlightenment was that you should just scam wherever you can before you die. Get rich or die trying.

Imagine if that wasn't ever... Get rich or die trying. That was Buddha's message the whole time. It's like, why aren't people gaining this? Get rich or Die Trying. Imagine if that wasn't a... Get Rich or Die Trying. That was Buddha's message the whole time. He's like, why aren't people gaining this? Get Rich or Die Trying! No, don't get rid of your material possessions. Get more...

Dammit, they've donated things again. What's the title for when someone becomes a Buddha? Isn't there like a way of referring to them? It's like... The process of... But it's like once they've done it you call them like oh it's like when someone's a knight they're sir so and so oh i don't know i don't know that but with 50 cents name figure it out yourself listeners yeah um that's astonishing that's

amazing maybe this would be quite a funny sitcom if that ginger guy was just like my mom was a racist scam artist and I hate this but I really love having that prime real estate. Yeah. And I can only go to Glastonbury for free and have an amazing location every year if I go along with this load of fucking shit. And the shame

on his face as he puts up the Chinese lady poster and like the guy who started Glastonbury is really old. He's like, promise me. Promise me you'll keep doing Chung Fu. I always loved Chung Fu. Sure, sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's written into the contract. You've always got to do Chung Fu. Fuck you, Mel. Or else, I mean, he points to someone with like even more crystals in a basket. Yeah. Just eyeing up the spot. And theirs are actually actually glowing and stuff.

Somehow real. Which African man did you buy those from? How African was he? You've never seen a man this African. He wouldn't stop jumping the whole time I was talking to him. Jumping, dancing, singing, clicking, big smile.

Oh yeah, just robes, no technology No mobile phone for some reason These are the real deal Let's just say his kids are going to school Because of me Let's just say his kids could afford to go to Three schools if they wanted to Not to boast or anything

That's amazing Extraordinary right It's worth going to Glastonbury just to try and find that guy now. Oof. An African man. Look, I don't want to start a pile on. Yeah. Guys, leave this guy alone.

His life is his punishment. Is that too harsh? Is that too nasty a thing to say? No, because I think that instead of getting angry with people in public. Yeah. Do you use that as a way of defusing your own temper yeah it's how i feel about like uh steampunks yeah i was like yeah well they have to be steampunks oh my god how have you been what have you been up to um i went back uh to the isle of man the island The island Return to the island The island is calling

I'll put some photos on my Instagram I went back there with my special lady friend Has she been to the isle yet? No This was her first visit to the isle I've still not been to the isle You should come to the isle I should come to the isle

Let me know next time you go See the steam train We went on the summertime steam train I got that summertime Summertime steam train Summertime Choo choo yeah team You don't know that song?

I do now And it was all very idyllic And sort of vaguely quaint As it is in summer In winter it's very like Three men that was lost At that stormy night at sea like it's all misty and i imagine every night of winter on the isle of man is the kind of night uh where an old

lady knocks on your door and if you don't let her in it turns out she's a witch and she curses you and she wants a selfie it turns out i was the blue witch blue from cold that you subjected me to. Now you'll never have a selfie ever again. Because I've taken your thumbs. There'll be no selfies. Yes, very much so. Very much foggy, rainy, howling gales. The only appropriate source of light feels like a lantern swinging from a handle.

Yes. With a guttering from a handle. Yes. With a guttering candle in it. Yes. Real Headless Horseman feels. Yes. Headless Horseman vibes. Yeah. I wish there was a word that encompassed that vibe.

Maybe there's a word for gothic. Gothic, yeah. But gothic, but that kind of thing where it makes you... When it's winter and it's really cold and you watch something like The Headless Horseman on TV. Country gothic? Folk horror. Folk horror is good. Folk horror, sure.

We've done it, guys. It was folk horror. Everyone put down your pens. It was folk horror. But it makes you feel cosy. Yes, it does. You sort of go to a fireplace and a, Welcome, a mug of ale for our new friend. You know, that whole kind of thing.

And you go, oh, I want a big cloak and stuff. And a dog. A big black dog by a roaring fire. That's the most comforting sound to me, is a blizzard being closed out by a door. That's my favourite sound in the world And then the big Wooden plank going down Yes

The slightly The Sainsbury's Basics version of that Which is still great It's raining outside And you're inside and you don't have to leave the house That is sweet, I live for that i live for that you don't have to leave the house and there's something really diverting book movie yes video game or just some shit is this that

shit uh that's but not so heavy they won't deliver food to you. Yes. That's an important caveat. Yes, that's very good. Yeah. Is this that, what's it called? The Danish thing. Ah, they have like a special... Hygge. I don't know if hygge requires that it's horrible outside. No, and also apparently the concept of hygge has been sort of bent into almost unrecognizability

by people's attempts to use it to sell, I don't know, big mugs that you hold with both hands. Yes. Sports Direct. Lovely. Champions of hooker since. Lovely, cosy Sports Direct. Put on your capper shell suit and have a big

mug of coke and Sports Direct spouts his autumn oh god what a surprise to see even the most foolhardy traveller abroad in a night like this. Come, come, sit. Sit by the fire. Pay Faustus no mind. He's an old dog by now, but in his youth, my, my, quite the carrier and fetcher. Yes, yes, yes. Allow me to pour you a tankard of mulled wine, traveller,

and regale me with the tale of how you came to be about in nature at such a... Oh, there's another person at the... One moment. Oh, oh, come in. Ah, let me shut the... One moment. Oh! Oh, come in! Ah, let me shut the door behind you. Take a seat by the roaring fire over there. Ah, what a... What a night

to be abroad in for two, even two... Do you know each other? Is that... Are you slightly behind him? No? Well, what a coincidence. Please, sit by the, don't mind him. He's, the dog is old. Anyway, you must, both of you must tell me how you came to be here on a night like this while I pour you a glass of warming. Oh, well, busy, busy is this tavern of mine tonight. Quite the turn up for the books, financially speaking, I suppose. Let me just...

Oh, hello! Welcome to the... It's very cold outside, so I wasn't expecting... Yes, no, come in, please. Yes, I'll just shut... Don't worry, I'll shut the door. I'm trying to heat the world. Fun. Logs. Yes, I'll just shut... Don't worry, I'll shut the door. I don't think to heat the world. Fine. Logs.

Anyway, um, there's... Well, now there's no more space by the fire and the dog, so I guess you'll sit... Well, there's a whole tavern to sit by on the ta... Yeah, no. No, we stopped serving food at ten, so... No, I'm sorry. No, I don't...

Really? You think... Okay, well, if you want to go and see in a different tavern, I mean, the next one is 15 miles away in the, through the Blackwood, but no, no, I'm not, I'm not, please don't leave a bad review on TripAdvisor. I'm just saying, it's fine. No, I'll open the door again. There we go. People, am I right? It's not atmospheric if there's too many it's an experience i'm trying to sell here there used to be a lot more um uh your friend and mine ali he's now the king of poems he's a poet now yes Allie Lewis is a published poet

And a very talented and handsome man Handsome guy Anyway so I was discussing with him the other day Just after We all saw him actually You were there too briefly Yes we ate at the diner We went to the diner and George Galloway came in

George Galloway came into the diner in Camden George Galloway And he was Galloway came into the diner in Camden George Galloway And he was wearing a hat A stupid fucking hat His little The CIA probably have a file on me Hat The hat he wasn't wearing when he deep throated

Saddam Hussein over and over again I wouldn't be surprised if you lifted that hat The inside was covered in tinfoil That's what the tinfoil companies Want you to buy The inside of his thing would just was covered in tinfoil. That's what the tinfoil companies want you to buy. The inside of his thing would just be covered in grease-proof paper. Like for baking. Tinfoil's a misdirection, Phil. It's a false flag.

It's a false flag tinfoil operation. Yes, he came into the diner. He wiped Saddam Hussein's semen from his mouth. And he sat at a big table full of it. And he had a booking! He had a reservation at the diner, which is the most disturbing thing about him. Who books

the diner? Yeah, he came in and went October for Galloway! It's like, yeah, we know who you are, man. Jesus Christ. Anyway, that's the kind of incredible lives we lead, everyone. Me and Phil and another comedian called Johnny and a poet called Ali having burgers near George Galloway.

It's one of those... London town. It's one of those occasions that feed the unhealthy suspicion that we all have that our life is the main story. Yes. Of the world. We're in the Matrix we're we're in the matrix and we're we're like we're one of the possibly 12 real awake people and you go oh of

course george galloway walked into the diner i'm the main character of life yeah i didn't talk to him or do anything yeah but i saw him with my eyes and for me that's enough yeah um well anyway at some point during that day but i'd love to if any listeners want to send in their um own political or otherwise famous people encounters that have made you feel like at the center of uh life story do let us know you and i uh were sat near nigel farage yes yes He was taking a phone call Kings Cross We were having a sweet cup of joe This was pre-Brexit So we could have stopped it

God we could have pushed him into the road He was walking around Allegedly We could have allegedly pushed him into the road He was walking around We were sat somewhere Pressed him to the road He was walking around We were sat somewhere In King's Cross Near the station

Outside And he was walking around Taking a phone call And we both commented That he looked Like 15 years younger In person Yes

And sort of Less silly really Because he wasn't on No he wasn't He was quite a serious Looking Frowny old dude In quite a rich guy suit, taking what appeared to be a very serious phone call.

So it wasn't, like, fun. And I remember thinking he was so benign. I wasn't like, oh, it's Nigel Farage! I was like, huh, it's Nigel Farage, that ridiculous troll. Yeah. How silly and sad. Yeah. Well, clearly not.

Clearly not. More fool me. He was on the phone to fate. Taking the call. Yeah. Eerie. Hello?

Is that Destiny? It's Nigel. I will accept the charge. God. Weird little frog man. Nigel Farage is slightly younger than Brad Pitt. Isn't that awful? Isn't that awful?

What a life of hate will do to your face. Also, very ironic that a man who hates France so much should look such like a frog. And have such a French name. And such a French name. Maybe that's where... Where is Farage from is it like one of these old English French names

probably all English names that are quite French are either Norman in which case they're very fancy generally or Huguenot I met someone

with a surname Devereaux ooh from the just from the north though she's got no French ancestry that she's really aware of, but there are these northern Devereaux.

She might be a Norman, then. Maybe Devereaux is a Norman thing. She did jab me with a spear, but that doesn't narrow it down. They're all the rage, aren't they? You'll know this. What armour or weaponry was specific to the normans the normans

uh she she could either uniquely have deployed a kite-shaped shield okay to guard her like a diamond shape uh sort of like a teardrop oh nice those are cool to guard your leg on horseback uh so she could have uniquely deployed that or uniquely deployed mass groups of archers firing simultaneously. That one. She did that one. Yeah, that was the one. Sounds pretty Norman. And castles, of course. Begin to hurt. The original Normcore.

Chainmen. Castles. Teardrop-shaped shield. Oh, very Normcore. It was really a massed archers, Normcore bullshit. There's all sorts of Norman names. Oh, very normcore. It was really, you know, Master Archer's normcore bullshit, yeah? There's all sorts of Norman names, like De Montfort and Beaumont and all this kind of stuff.

Ah, yes. Any name that could be the surname of a villain in a Victorian novel is often Norman. Except Norman. Which is the most benign name you could imagine. No one's ever had a naughty Norman So the thing I was talking about with Ali

The king of poems That there's no longer any manly poem people Right Because there used to be a thing where it was like Hemingway And Kerouac All these guys who were like I lift weights and smoke cigars And I've just hunted a great white.

Time to write a poem about it. And everyone was like, that's all consistent with itself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whereas now you wouldn't get that so much. No. Well, I don't imagine modern poetry attracts many alpha males. Not anymore, no. Maybe that's like they've lost their role models.

It's about representation, Phil. Yeah, Ladbible is not posting any hot new stanzas. Any lad sonnets. Any lad stanzas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went to the HQ of Vice the other day. Ooh. To do a sort of audition.

An audition? Yeah, for something Or a screen test for something I don't know if I'm allowed to say I don't know if I'm even allowed to say this But the point is, I went into It's very corporate Vice? I imagine so

Yeah, it's all glass and security barriers And stuff I wanted to turn up and it was just like that Chong Fu tent That's what I wanted I wanted rebel smoking big bifters Did the office have either A big slide

Bean bags A football table Or an all you can eat sweets dispenser It had An unbelievable In size Bike rack thing Okay Everyone who works there seems to in size bike rack thing. Okay.

Everyone who works there seems to be a bike person. Mm-hmm. It had a cashless coffee shop. Okay. Right up at the entrance. So just cut. Like in a big wooden hut. Okay.

And it had sort of pretty like modern like fort pod style meeting room. Sure, sure, sure. But I didn't see enough into the guts of the building to see if maybe they had some kind of you know, Sherbert fire pole you could slide down. Well usually that shit's like further

towards the outside. They try and make that stuff visible and then as you get deeper into the organisation the really boring shit starts to happen, right? It's really weird that people work so hard to just try and disguise the idea that they're at work. Yeah.

And you go, wow, there's an all-you-can-eat shrimp buffet that's 24-7 and there's, wow, there's a room where they just play, they just have

Dwayne the Rock Johnson and you can just go in and talk to him whenever you want. He's on retainer. He's bored. Wow, he's bored in there. He's on retainer. He's bored. He's bored in there. He's on his phone. He's desperate for your company.

You can excite the Rock. And then at the end of the day you go, yeah, but you still have to write billions of lines of code, don't you? And they go, oh yeah. You're like, well, then it's still work, isn't it? You haven't tricked me. You haven't made me go, wait a minute, I've been learning this whole time.

My sister used to work for a big law firm. Oh, yeah. Megacorp. Megalaw. Megalaw. Megalore. Megalore. And their office building was completely full of every convenience you could imagine or want.

On the surface, it's because they care about you. But it's really so that you never have to leave the office. Yeah. There was a train station. There was a train ticket vending machine in the building. Oh, my God. So you could buy your tickets there. There was a train ticket vending machine in the building. Oh my God. So you can buy your tickets there. There was a daycare center.

There was a gift shop for your upset wife or husband or boyfriend or girlfriend. Oh my God, that is sinister. Because of the birthday you've just missed or whatever. Jesus. Or whatever last minute present you need to buy. There's a laundromat. Everything you could possibly need just so you don't fucking leave the building. That is horrifying.

Also, it's like the amount of money all that costs. You go, just give everyone more money. Do you know what I mean? Well, I'm sure they've costed it to find that. Oh, it saves them money. Yeah. They wouldn't do it if it cost them more money. They're just paying everyone

and going fuck off we pay you a lot it's like that tweet where someone's like the company's like we care about our employees mental health

and the employee's like can we have a therapist to help deal with it pizza party and you go like oh right a five dollar pizza

times twenty is a lot cheaper than having a you know a dedicated profession proper mental health Facilities Letters, emails, phone calls

Toilets, your sister Keep a straight eye Letters Correspondence Time for some goddamn correspondence Everyone No more updates from Natalie yet Natalie is if you heard

last week if you didn't hear last week natalie um did a job interview and when asked to tell a story told my uh i fucked a dog story and so um she got on to the next round of interviews and i am on the edge of my seat as to how that has progressed so natalie please uh do update us yes please get in touch uh so uh poppy gets in touch popamundo uh hello pnp aka the pod butts pod butts yeah that works yeah we have butts for now um and then she says firstly i want to thank you for your brilliant podcast and she says a bunch of nice stuff and all of it is true

there's no need for us to sucker index live on it we'll read it out once we finish recording and sucker index while we do that but thank you very much

for those very kind words hard to keep your eye on the thing as well when you do that yes it is she says lots of nice things and then says I've now forced

most of my friends and family to sample your comedic wares So that's good That's good Most? Who's left? Proselytizing Yes

That's what we want To mixed reception Of course But those friends have Since been suitably rebuffed Or told to fuck off Yes indeed I was thinking about

The stupid Together we joy Style advertising phrases After listening to one Of your early episodes And it reminded me of a phrase That I've noticed Popping up more frequently Sit back relax and let us do the rest in itself it's

a fairly pathetic if innocuous phrase but one that i have noticed increasingly being used when companies are doing literally the bare minimum required of their services in an attempt to fool customers into feeling looked after that's a very good good point. It's a good point, yeah, because it's... We'll drive the train, don't you worry. And it's a lot. It promises so much less than sit back, relax, and enjoy. Yeah. Let us do the rest. Yeah.

Of murdering you. It could be. Yes, let us do the rest of undercooking this fish. For example, I was at a pub that served food. I'm reluctant to call it a restaurant. Last weekend. Where this phrase was written in enormous letters above the bar where you had to order your food and drink

I know this is fairly common practice now instead of waiting staff coming to your table but this place took the fucking biscuit following your inevitable marathon journey to the bar to order and then returning to check your table number you then had to go to the other side of the restaurant to pick up your cutlery condiments, napkins, glasses and your plates.

The plates didn't even bring you the food on a plate. The food was served in sort of takeaway boxes for you to decant yourself. What? And they had the audacity to urge me to let them do the rest. Which presumably involved pressing start on a microwave and going back to ignoring the customers and wanking in pint glasses. Sit back, relax,

get up, go to... Cook the food. Get some forks and knives, pick up your food, put your food onto the plate, and let us do the rest. What a waste of cardboard

for the containers. Horrible. It'd be styrofoam as well. Complete, absolute, poisonous garbage. I saw it again in an email

from an airline recently Where letting them do the rest essentially amounted to Letting the pilot fly the plane to the correct destination As advertised on the ticket Although of course a tricky thing to do If you're a pilot whose car has been stolen by a man with Alzheimer's And you can't get to the airport He is a pilot!

How is he supposed to do the rest now? No! I thought about what it would take for this godforsaken phrase to actually be appropriate and I decided it would only be if the airline sent a car to my house to collect me having already packed my bags and checked me in carried me on a

sedan through security and then deposited me on the plane while feeding me mini cheddars otherwise there are quite a lot of intermediate steps between buying the plane ticket and me sitting back relaxing and letting them do the rest. At best, it is irritating. At worst, it is a reminder that you shouldn't eat at shit pubs on industrial parks on the outskirts of Dundee. Yeah.

Fair point. Yeah, but we all have to do that once to learn, don't we? I'm yet to do my Dundee. It's like getting the chicken pox. Ideally, you get it when you're a kid. Take your kids to Dundee when they're three or four. Because if you go to Dundee as an adult, it can be fatal in some cases. Parents have actually started having Dundee parties.

So, picture attached of how they served my sister's fajitas, DIY cuisine, at its best. Isn't that the most dismal thing you've ever seen? Whoa, that is disgusting. So for the listener, it's four plain tortillas and just five little paper pots of dirt. Little paper pots that you put ketchup in at McDonald's.

But where's the filling? Good question. Is that the filling? I don't know. I think that maybe the filling comes in a styrofoam. Grim. Grim. Grim, grim, grim. Frank gets in touch again. One of the two Franks, I believe, we have.

Yes, please be yourself. Hi there, butts. High risk, no reward catchphrase. Okay, another one. Yes, please. As a fairly newly married man, I've had a number of people say to me, happy wife, happy life.

I have started to retort with this. I've started to retort with this. Bum bum wife, bum bum life. But only on birthday. Which gets the response you can imagine from everyone involved. Okay, thank you, Koji. Bum bum wife, bum bum life.

Bum bum wife. That's very funny. Bum bum life. I'd love to see those faces. I'd love to see people try and style that out and go, oh yeah. Well, beneath the surface thinking, what is he talking about?

Dear darling Budpods of May. Lovely. Very nice. I'm a recent convert to the Budpod. Welcome, brother. Yes, is it never too late? That's who we need. We need like the high sparrow. Ah, yes. Welcome. All are welcome in the halls of Budpod.

Bring me your weary. Bring me your wretched. Bring me... Your bum-bums. Your bum- bum bums I'm a recent convert to the Bud Pod And I've only started jacking it in the last seven days But have been doing some solo long bike rides And thus have completed every episode quite quickly I am very much in joy

Great However I had a worrying thought today Given the outstanding intellectual quality Of the email correspondence with Slowpoo There is a high likelihood That he or she Will be selected for the post Brexit UK astronaut program soon And so

How is plop drops going to work in space If there is no gravity to drop those plops That is a very very good point And a point that we will be putting To Slowpoo The next time we see him He will probably or she Will probably retort that we will be putting to Slowpoo the next time we see him. He will probably, or she,

will probably retort by saying humans aren't meant to be in space. Yeah. And it's not a necessary part of our design. That's true. But then how do astronauts, the fittest people on Earth, get away with it? Fittest and smartest.

And smartest. So a question for Phil. When you did this module at Cambridge, how fast would the ISS have to spin for centrifugal or centripetal force to pull the plops out of a person? Well, it would be centri... Oh, I guess it would depend on where your bum's facing. Whether centrifugal or centrifugal force.

You probably want the bum facing inwards into a sort of hoover because outwards the poo could just fly. You would want centrifugal force to pull the poo out. So you need to be hanging onto a bar. Okay, to pull it out, yeah. In a sort of harness. And you'd spin and plop would fly out of you. Dangerous game we play.

For God's sake. Thanks, George. Eleanor gets in touch. Not the Prosecco vomit Eleanor She says a different one Okay Dear PNP I'm enjoying the Bud Pod And like many listeners

Keep finding little Okay thank you moments To reflect on In my day to day life Great Now if you're a new listener Okay thank you Is when something awkward

Or strange happens And you just say Okay thank you That's all you can think of doing I started doing it more Today I had to get up At 3am for work Where'd you work?

Hell? That sounds awful. Today I had to get up at 3am for work, so by lunchtime I was and continue to be in a state of quiet sleep-deprived confusion. While washing my hands at the sink in the women's bathroom, a girl entered holding

a container. I watched her reflect in the box. What's in the box? What's in the box? I watched her, reflected in the mirror, go into a stall, leaving the door wide open, flush the toilet, and empty the last inch of a Tesco soup into the loo while the water ran. A bum-bum soup. A bum-bum soup. I left the bathroom hastily after muttering an internal okay thank you to my reflection.

I don't know why this has happened. Keep jacking it, Eleanor. So someone came in. With one of those Tesco soup things? Poured some soup in the toilet and left. And then Eleanor said quietly to herself, okay thank you. Okay, thank you. Yeah, it creeps up on you.

You don't know when it's going to get you. The soup flusher. Yeah. Every office has one. I mean, we've got slow poo, now we've got soup poo. Soup flush. Who's soup poo? Soup poo.

Soup poo. Can employees please stop flushing soup? Thank you. It's making the rats all feel very homely. It's relaxing the... The chicken soup has only made the rats healthier. A different George gets in touch.

A different... What different George? Do we have another George? There was... Yes, just before George was the... We're replete with Georges! Georges and Franks. And Eleanors. Hi PNP, my most authoritarian thought involves vapes

Oh yeah here we go Look I'm all for people having a healthier chuff chuff Which I guess in this case means lungs Healthier chuff chuff to me means bum bum Chuff chuff? Yeah Up the chuff Or tight as a gnat's chuff

Maybe that's a Goodness An anus I think he means a healthier smoke I hope so. Yeah. Well, he's been vaping up his bum bum. Might be why he's against it.

You have a cotton candy-flavoured smoke flying at your arse? You were convinced people that you were a fairy? Your farts would be delish. Yeah. And intoxicating. I'm often people having a healthier chuff-chuff, but I don't want it blown in my face. So in my authoritarian world, at the end of each day, all the people who've been a victim of second-handpe smoke get to breathe on the vapor just before they're

about to go to sleep. Just of their breath? Just, ah. Now here's the plot to us. The victims don't come into the bedroom to breathe on them, as there could be children involved. Okay. Instead, they ring the doorbell, and the act of revenge takes place as soon as they open the front door. Ah!

The vapor never knows how many people they have blown smoke on throughout the day, meaning they can never quite settle when they're in bed. It's like an updated version of Chinese water torture. Bye for now, George. But we have a danger here of a vicious cycle, because the more on edge they are,

the more they're going to vape. That's true. And queues could develop congestion A vaper who spends the day Walking around a crowded city Could end up with a queue of hundreds of people waiting to go Think about the hit to the economy Just in their face

What a funny place to meet your wife We were in the queue To breathe on this man From vaping on us. Or maybe the wife breathes on him. And he goes, oh. Well, that's something I haven't smelt ever. I'm going to have to come and vape on you again.

He comes and vapes on her repeatedly, so she has to keep coming back to his house to breathe on him. How romantic. What's his name? D gets in touch. D? The letter? Yeah. We finally got alphabet cred. Okay. Hey P Squared.

I'm fashionably late to the Bud Pod party having only discovered your little treasure trove last week. Thanks D. Tuck in. Come on in Alibaba. Tuck in. The cave is warm. We've been farting in it. That's the real treasure.

I joined at Bud Pork and I liked it so much I've been time-travelling my way back to episode one. I'm sure there's Phil's Doctor Who joke in there somewhere. Uh, hmm. He spells Who-H-U. Yeah, I don't remember the joke myself, but...

Oh, well. Why not? Phil lured me into your universe through his breakfast at Hiddleston's Twitter sensation. Oh, great. Phil's got a viral video. Although Hiddleston was in my house. He broke into my house. That's true.

It reminded me of an amazing TV advert I saw whilst travelling in China back in the year nought. Open brackets, 2000. That's good though. The year nought. That's good. The advert was for some sort of medical cream which the woman could rub

on their breasts to make them visibly larger Oh wow So it just irritated your breasts And inflamed them I guess Mosquito poison In addition to this feat The animated diagram And flowing arrows

Showed the cream's ingredients moving upwards towards the head With the added effect of making the brain bigger No This is Chung Fu's doing. Yeah, it is. Not reading Mandarin, I'm not sure what exactly was going on, but in between the squiggle,

I'm certain the cream purported to contain real DNA. Mmm. Mmm. Yeah. That's how you know it's good. Professor DNA. Yeah. Professor's poof.

Professor's. Which is jizz. Yeah. Just creeps. Rub it on your boobs It'll make your brains juicy I'm a doctor, I'm qualified Authoritarian idea Old people to be banned From excessively feeling and inspecting Fruit and veg in the supermarkets

You touch it, you buy it Libertarian idea Voluntary payment system for all public transport Based on distance traveled, cleanliness, how annoying the conductor is Whether a homeless person fucked a dog etc Pretty good, keep on jacking it D, that's true When you see someone really rubbing and sniffing

Juicy melon So they have to pay more when they get off Is that the idea? No, the first thing is authoritarian All these old people going around Practically licking the carrots to see if they want to buy them. Yeah. That's no good.

Yeah. Also, you know how, like, here in London town, Phil, we're blessed with lots of corner shops that have big displays of fruit and veg outside. I've seen and heard of, quite a lot recently, just, like, dopey cunts standing there going, oh, those look like nice mangoes. And while they're doing that, this stupid little Jack Russell terrier is pissing all over the onions. Really? I had to stop a woman.

I walked past and I looked and this dog was like sniffing the onions and immediately I thought, well, that's already gross. Yeah. Your dog's sniffing the onions. And the dog just let loose a big jet of piss all over the...

Oh, my God. And I had to stop and say to the woman, excuse me, and point. And she went, oh, and just didn't do anything. And was just like... You know when pathetic dog owners who can't control their animals just put their face on of, oh, no. That's just nature, I guess.

I'm in such a panic, but not enough to do anything. Or even once they try and laugh it off, like... My dog does piss on it. I'm in such a panic but not enough to do anything or even worse they try and laugh it off like my dog does piss on it I like dogs but don't let them piss on food

that seems too far even for white people Phil and yes the lady was white of course she was start the twitter storm

more twitter storms Start the Twitter storm. More Twitter storms. Hi, I'm looking for an African man. Yeah, I'm an African man. How can I help you? No, sorry. I'm looking for an African man. Yeah, I'm from... Well, I'm from Magalisberg, just outside... Well, yeah, I'm African. What can I do for you? Oh, okay.

I was just... I was kind of hoping for a black... Never mind. Do your kids go to school? Yeah, yeah. My youngest is in high school and the older one has just graduated. Right.

So there's no way that I could sort of facilitate your children going to school by single act of purchase. How do you mean? Well, it's just that... You know what? It's a long story. I'll just leave it. Fucking Chang Fu, man

Seriously Sam gets in touch Hey, Sam Phil's thinking about white people again Yeah Dear Phil and Pierre Sam and Lemon Ding Dong There we go

Dear Phil and Pierre A lovely lady at work Recently back from maternity leave, asked me the other day which podcasts I listen to. Oh, no. She's had the baby. Yes. She's had the baby now.

Okay. She's going to go fart it out after listening to Bud Pod. And of course, I immediately said Bud Pod. Nice. Imagine my horror when she followed up with, great, thanks for the recommendation. Clearly not the original question. Ah, yes. Because she just said, what do you listen to?

Which I have to say to you, Sam, is a level of linguistic detail that I would not... I picked up on. I picked up on myself. So Sam works like a computer or a robot. Yeah, yeah. That's not what you asked. Hey, Phil, what are you watching right now?

Hmm? Oh, porn! Okay, I'll go check it out. That's not what I meant. Oh, no! Imagine my horror when she followed up with, Great, thanks for the recommendation. Clearly not the original question. And I realized she was going to dive into a bizarre world of shit,

bestiality, and sperm-covered handshakes. And she would also realize I voluntarily inhabit that world also. She would have a peek at your bum bum life. Considering her favorite podcast is Stuff You Should Know, which broadly consists of two men reading out Wikipedia entries. And ours should basically be called Stuff You Shouldn't Know. Or just Bums TM. Wee wee bum bum poo poo time.

I fear this may be a bit of a shock. Any chance of a couple of PG episodes, purely so listeners can have a cover story for colleagues or friends or family about what we really listen to on the train? Perhaps cookery travel or book reviews. I like this.

I like this idea. We should release a dummy episode. Dummy episode, yeah. A dummy episode. But Sam, what if the dummy episode is so anodyne that someone who likes a podcast where two men read out Wikipedia, it goes, I'm going to try the rest of this. And suddenly it's just, so I was pooing on this jizz, right?

And a big fart came. I was pooing on this jizz, right? And a big fart came. I was pooing on this jizz. And then they died of a heart attack. It's true. It's true. But imagine the correspondence. Imagine the correspondence for that week. Actually, there'd be nothing better for the podcast it's true but imagine the correspondence imagine the correspondence for that week actually

there'd be nothing better for the podcast than if someone died listening to a story about poo on jizz um oh but it'd be funny though if we had to

force ourselves to do a just um Sam just direct them to the podcast me and Phil did for meet me at the museum ah yes that's me and Phil

going around a museum about the postal service in London. So that couldn't be more up the street. We had a great day out. Go check that out. It's a really good podcast, actually. By the Arts Fund.

By the goddamn Arts Fund, everyone. And I don't think we mentioned Farts Poo once. Not even once. Not a made-to-edit, anyway. No. And it's a good thing we did it before Budpod, because we could have asked them, like that email we got about the man who posted poo to his friend for a joke. Oh yeah. We could have said to them

Has that ever happened? Do you have any exhibits about poo in post? Poo post? Yeah. Post poo. Martha gets in touch. Martha! You don't get enough Marthas nowadays. It's a rare name, the Martha. It's a rare name. It implies to me

a certain high level of skill in cooking But also A sort of A rigour A strictness to Martha Martha doesn't criticise you when you're late But you know she judges you Also good in her own company

Yeah, Martha's not clingy she doesn't need anyone really no she doesn't mind being around people she likes to see her friends from time to time

but she's very she's she's very good at spending time with herself no FOMO no FOMO

anyway the real Martha says yes dear peas pudding nice yeah what is a peas pudding it's like a horrible...

You know those dishes that are from the 1700s and earlier? Yeah. And they're always just like, add a thousand cloves and some mush and a horse's brain and boil it till it's there. It's one of those.

Yeah. I think it is made from grains and things or peas. It is like a sort of oatmeal style porridge-y thing. And then it's like it's left to set. And it's always called something that sounds quite nice. Yes. Like, um,

happy jelly. Yeah. It turns out it's like boiled pig's head. Or like, um, um, Duke's cake. Something nice. That sounds nice. And you get it and you're like, there's an eyeball in here! Exactly. And people say, it's from the Civil War.

Dear Peace Pudding, My housemate seems to be a relative of the Slow Pua. Interesting. Interesting. Unfortunately, I live in the bedroom Next to the bathroom So I have an unwanted Yet exceptional knowledge Of my housemates bathroom habits

Not only does he spend At least 30 minutes on the toilet But this includes Flushing the loo on average 3 times Wow For what reason I dread to think That sounds like a big poet Okay thank you, Martha.

Oh, before we get into that. P.S. Phil, when you were telling your Glastonbury story about the Japanese man flipping the V's at you, I initially thought you said he was flipping his V's at you. And I loved imagining this Japanese man bringing his V's papers all the way to Glastonbury.

P.P.S. I don't like peas pudding, but I do like the podcast, andastonbury. P.P.S. I don't like peas pudding but I do like the podcast and you too, especially Phil. Ooh! So, 30 minutes on the bog. This chap.

Oh yeah. Who she lives with. Three flushes on average. Oh, oh, she means a relative because he's similar in his habits. I thought maybe

someone she's suspected to be the slope who visits from time to time. That's what I thought, though. Oh, as a house guest. Yeah. Like Father Pumas. Or Shatner Klaus. 30 minutes, three flushes.

On average, that means she's heard him flushing higher than that on some occasions. But flushing a lot doesn't mean the poo is slow it means it's hard to get down right i guess but she doesn't say martha you need to get in touch and tell us if these flushes are evenly spaced over 30 minutes or panicked every time triple flushes at the end yeah because i've been there myself poo shouldn't float that much though that's that's something wrong with his diet you're eating too too many corks and styrofoam pellets yeah stop feeding him packaging and uh life rings and life rings and um witches and witches yeah yes guys have been a witch heavy episode yeah

and messages in bottles and messages in bottles. And messages in bottles. He's pooping out bottles of messages. Any witches listening, get in touch and tell us how you practice your occultry. Yes. I'd be interested to see what kind of witch you are. Or in a dream. Or in a dream. And we'll recount it in the next episode.

Yes, please. 30 minutes. I know a guy who's a 30-minute to 45-minute pooer. Every time? Yeah. But they don't have slow poos ideology. They just... Our working theory is that this is a person who...

You know that... He's a secular slow pooer. He's a secular slow pooer. You know that feeling where you go, I might need to go to the loo in like an hour? Yeah. That's when they go sit on the toilet. Wow, okay.

They don't wait. It sounds like an anxiety problem. No, they love it. They're very like, this person's quite lazy. And they like just sitting. An excuse not to, yeah, I get that. So they go off. They have that little feeling and they go,

oh, great, I can just sit and like... Look at my phone. ...will this out of me while I look at my phone for a full half an hour. I mean, I say that's dreadful, but I don't do very much different. I just do the same thing on the sofa. Yes, but just not with your pants down all the time. Well... And poo's slowly emerging from your bum.

Don't speak for me, okay? Imagine if that's why... You know my life. Imagine if that's why you disapp my life Imagine if that's why You disapproved of the slow poo Is that he wasn't shitting the couch God this had This had been a poo heavy episode

Even for us And surprisingly witch heavy Witches Poos Hippies Yeah Get rid of them All of them

Who needs them The latest column by Jeremy Clarkson Piers Morgan Everyone the same Thank you for your correspondence That was a good crop Yeah Who needs them? The latest column by Jeremy Clarkson, Piers Morgan, everyone the same. Thank you for your correspondence, listeners. That was a good crop after we got up to date last week. Yeah, very good. It feels

great to be at inbox zero on the podcast. I mean, maybe it's not a great indication of the popularity of the podcast that we can get to the end of all the... Ideally, popular podcasts, they say, you know, we don't read all of them out but we do read them yes uh whereas we say uh we read all of them out yeah even though we don't need to yes yeah we read all of them we read all of them

out so far yeah well we skipped a couple we've summarized a couple ways just compliments oh yeah sure but yeah but well anyway send in uh all the different things we've told you to send in over the last hour or so. And send in compliments. Pierre might be too humble to read them out loud, but I'm not. Yeah, quite right. And also buy tickets for my Edinburgh show. Buy tickets for Pierre's Edinburgh show. And if you want to come to mine, keep an eye out.

Maybe there'll be some more. And I would love for PodBuds to get them. Yes. You guys are priority. Please. But aside from that... Thank you very much for listening to the Do A Decker Pod. Yes. Here's

to another ten episodes. And many more. This podcast will last a thousand years. It will outlive us. Yeah. That'll be good. Goodbye all.

Goodbye. Was that okay? Yeah.