BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 202 - Popping A Balloon Dog

Episode Date: February 22, 2023

The lads discuss Koons art, Phil's love of noise goblins, sketch is Nashville Acropolis Wisdom, correspondence from Dustin, Ian and Thomas. Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod 202! 202, more fun stuff for you! It goes on! Back to our non-live ways, Pierre. It's now weird not to have an audience in a way. Yes, and stranger for me because I'm recording this from the basement of 21 Soho where we got ready backstage for the live podcast. So it's like one of those documentaries where the guy who used to be in the band goes back to the stadium for their biggest ever gig.

Yeah, you're returning to the scene of the crime like they always do. Yes. Yeah, exactly. Do you think that's true? Do you think if you burgled a priceless piece of art, you'd go back to the museum the next day just to watch the panic? I don't know. I think you want to be caught in that situation.

You want to be caught. You want people to be impressed with how clever you are. Yeah. I think I probably would, you know. Yeah, I take it as a challenge. I'd want to see how the gallery looks without the sculpture now. Ooh. Yeah, and I'd want to hear people going,

oh, it's terrible, isn't it, what happened? Did you hear? Oh, it's terrible. Priceless it was, priceless. You want to overhear someone saying, this is the work of some dastardly genius. Yes. I want to hear someone say, he struck again. That's what I want to overhear someone saying, this is the work of some dastardly genius. Yes. I want to hear someone say, he struck again.

That's what I want to hear. Did you see that news story of that very valuable sculpture that was knocked over by a lady in a gallery in America? Yes, the Jeff Koons balloon dog. Jeff Koons balloon dog. Yes. The lady just, like like tapped it with her finger she just got in real close and went

and knocked it over and I've always found it strange how susceptible to idiots galleries are and it turns out with good reason because you can't just knock shit over

I assume they'd be like snipers or something or like secret glue or secret glue I didn't think the sculpt would just be loose on the pedestal yeah this is it but I think this makes more sense to me because it was a Jeff, it is Jeff Koons

isn't it that sounds right are you familiar with his oeuvre? This makes more sense to me because it is Jeff Koons, isn't it? That sounds right. Are you familiar with his oeuvre? Yes, I am. I'm familiar with the Balloon Dogs. Jeff Koons, yes, that's right. I'm familiar with the Balloon Dogs because I remember someone making fun of them by saying,

recaptioning a photo of them in a Lady Bird kids book saying this is a piece of art only an investment banker can, oh no it was a venture capitalist right so I've seen it satirized as like by, you know, I mean he's 68 apparently but these days it's very much like art for venture capitalists so the person who prodded it was like

a character from fucking American Psycho, you know right right all right she's like it's perfect not even that just like wow look at this little and then just just smashed it because yeah what i guess what i'm saying is i don't think a gallery showing of this guy's work is filled with the same reverential nerds as a Dutch master's exhibit. Right, okay, it's more Instagrammy. I think it's full of people having martinis and being taken there to be impressed

by people who can afford a $40,000 sculpture. Imagine if this lady knocked it over and was like, oh no, I'm so sorry, oh my God. And then she bent over and someone saw her underpants said, just stop oil. She's wearing just stop oil underpants. What about if? Maybe this is the next step in their protests. Secret pants-based activism.

Yes. Yes. Secret accidental destruction. Yeah. Oops. Yeah, like the mafia. That's a nice excessively priced sculpture. It would be a shame if something would have happened to it.

Yeah, that could be it. What if someone – she's tipped it over, right? She goes, ooh, and it smashes. And everyone goes, oh, my God. And everyone's horrified. And then you hear. And it's Jeff Koons himself slow clapping. Coming from like the shadows.

And you look down and it's smashed. But inside is like a treasure map or some sweets. And some sweets. And he says, I've been waiting 40 years for someone to smash that dog. That's why I balanced it so precariously on that wobbly pedestal. Now, they're all insured, but do you think this lady has had to pay anything herself? Probably not. I think the gallery said she didn't mean to i wonder what i wonder yeah

i wonder how obvious you didn't have had to make it to in order for them to go she meant to do that yeah like clothes line the thing or just pick it up and threw it at the wall i guess it's also heavily insured that maybe they're kind of pleased I guess it's also heavily insured that maybe they're kind of pleased. Because they finally got their money's worth from the insurance. Yeah, because like... They've kind of sold it in a way, right? Huh?

They've sort of sold it. They've kind of sold it. Yeah, they've sold it. And then he could do something cool like exhibit the pieces or glue it back together with gold like that japanese ceramics thing apparently a collector has already bought the shattered pieces yeah of course there you go double money amazing double money this is that fucking um shredded banksy all over again remember when he put that automatic automatic shredder yeah in shredder in the frame but this is the thing

and then the price went up after it had been shredded yeah well so much of this stuff is made by and for like speculators anyway yeah so it getting smashed is just like oh whatever yeah obviously it wasn't in any real sense worth $40,000

it wasn't made of $40,000 worth of titanium. No, no. There's hardly any dog in it. No. Obviously, it's filled with dog blood. That's what makes it art. Do you have art in your home? Are you good at buying art for your home?

I need to do more of that. I'm so shit at it. I've got some, i wouldn't call it like art like art that we you go oh that's art i've got i honestly i've got two enormous plastic like children's lego tubs filled with art materials is the main thing i have ah i have a fucking easel that i never use i have an easel I have a fucking easel that I never use. I have an easel. Lifehack. Paint your own art and save pound sign, pound sign, pound sign with this one simple trick.

Earn one pound sign. Art dealers hate this man. This one weird trick. Yeah. You could just buy paint from a shop called an art shop. But they don't sell art. They sell the means to make your own art. In the same way the supermarket sells food, but it's not food yet. You've got to plop it all together, really.

Yeah, I need to... Among the many other things I need to do phil i need to get back to using some of that stuff because it's just sitting there doing nothing and i've got all these like stacks of little sketch pads and it's also because i have a lot of it as gifts i'm not an easy person to buy gifts for people go pierre wants to go back to doing more art i'll get him some some nice paper. Do you think you're good enough to replicate famous paintings? Ooh.

I think it depends on the era, doesn't it? Because when you hear about people doing those fake paintings from the Dutch master's period 400 years ago, they get linseed oil and then they put it in the oven for a bit to kind of dry it out and put some cracks into the surface.

And they like practice the signatures of these guys over and over again. And you need oil paint and it has to be – it can't be like modern oil paint where the yellow comes from like cadmium. It has to be like egg yolk oil paint. Right, right, right. And they put so much effort into the ingredients and stuff. That's probably... I mean, this modern art, Phil, I think a child could imitate the...

With this modern art, you probably just need an egg. You probably just crack an egg onto a piece of paper and sell it for a million pounds. People would clap the woke mob, would call you a genius. I like it when they get mixed up.

Yeah. The woke climate change mob. I like it when they get mixed up. I like it when they you see some, I saw a clip of that terrible Roseanne stand up because she got fired from her show for

being crazy or whatever. Yeah. and now she's doing like uh i've been canceled sort of massive stand-up show yeah and one of the things was like one of the punch lines was something like how about your pronouns should be get a job and it's like i don't think people with different pronouns are famously unemployed. What does that mean? I love it when they get mixed up because it never makes any sense. It's always just like, why don't you recycle some of these rubles, you commie? It's like, what? What do you think this is what do you think um what's the basement like the basement is the air is thick with

humidity we're under the ground in london and so the air it's it's like breathing the air in um a historical exhibit like the london dungeon something where you go, oh, it's quite damp down here, isn't it? You don't want to spend all day down here. Yes. Yeah, listeners, you might notice that Pierre sounds particularly dank this week. Yes. But I think that room is actually acoustically better than the rooms we normally record in.

So you probably sound much higher quality than me this week. There's a chance, yeah. I'm surrounded by sound-blocking foam and similar devices and so on. Whereas I've surrounded myself with sort of cardboard and cymbals. And sort of mirrors to bounce sound as much as possible.

Yeah. Just hard but wobbly walls. Yeah, things that vibrate at great speed and low frequency. No, the air is heavy. I'm breathing, but I'm breathing slowly, like I'm eating something heavy. Yeah, you've got that air that you chew. You need to chew that air.

Yeah, it's kind of freaking me out now. Do you think you could... Have you ever talked yourself into a phobia? Oh, all the time. I think when I was a kid, I'd just be in the bath and go, imagine if there was a shark in this bath, and then I'd just have to jump out of the bath. It's mad that

isn't it especially when you're a kid you just think how powerful is my what is it imagination fear response oh it's a lovely combination of anxiety and imagination i have such a furtive busy imagination i can i can create a scare out of anything there'll be a funny compliment on your school report phil could phil can be scared of anything if he puts his mind to it i can be lying in bed and i could go did i leave the garden on fire and then i'll have to and then i i will have to go down and make sure the garden isn't on i've made sure to blow out the garden before i went to bed you're a big um you're a big double checking guy that's true i'm a checker i'm a checker you're a chubby checker

yeah i need to stop my checking i've known you for a long time keep a check on the checking that's what i need to do i need to keep checking the tracking make sure that you aren't checking as much yeah just check in every now and then and think how much have i checked things today um only once because obviously when i leave my flat i lock my flat obviously that's what i do but only once have i got halfway to the tube station and gone i i don't know if i've done it or not and i've had to go back and look and and every other time once yeah but i've let it happen once every other time that instinct happens i i managed to suppress it and was it unlocked no no of course not of course not. Of course not. But your brain just goes,

what if a disaster has happened? You just have to say to that goblin, it hasn't though. And just pray you're right. Yeah, don't embarrass yourself in front of the goblin. The brain goblin will never let you forget it. He doesn't let you forget anything else speaking of goblins um you might hear some construction goblins coming into my microphone because the uh wonderfully the house right opposite has has just embarked upon what looks

like an enormous side return project do you know what they're doing? Yeah. Sorry? What are they doing? Well, it's a side return, Pierre. What is that? They expand. It's when a classic English terrace house,

they expand the kitchen so that it takes up the whole width of the plot, as it were. So you lose that sort of side alley of garden, but you gain a big dining area in your kitchen. It's a classic renovation. Yes, often for listeners in other countries, English housing is tiny and bad,

and often there is a pointless, soggy, dark path next to the house. Yeah, I think the idea was, well, perhaps a tenant would like to take a stroll on an evening. Or just, what if the milkman thinks you're dead and wants to come

knock at an equally tiny back door? Yes. So this, yeah, but they've literally just started and there's going to be so much work and there's going to be noise for weeks love it wow you love background noise it's your favorite it's my favorite it's my favorite i think i love even more than foreground noise sometimes i'm like get rid of this foreground noise i want to hear them that background i want to hear that tap dripping Are you going to be that neighbor who

knows that they can't do anything past X o'clock and it goes and tells them Oh I need to check up on the laws, the rules There'll be some timing rules, definitely Is there a weekend rule? Can they work on Saturdays?

It is different hours It might be a council thing But yeah, you could be that guy Tapping your watch Tools down, boys Oh man If I weren't so afraid of builders I might just do that

If I was a builder I'd be delighted with rules like that Oh well, I guess I have to Stop Breaking my back for these people. Well, that's true. That's true. Maybe they're happy. You're like the knight in shiny armor.

You're the opposite of the kid that puts his hand up and says, Miss, you forgot the homework. Oh, speaking of reminders, Pierre, Oh, speaking of reminders, Pierre, this Sunday, our episode of World's Most Dangerous Roads is being broadcast on Dave. It's on Dave.

It's being broadcast. Do we know what time it's at? No, I'm just thinking about it now. Yeah. Me and Phil driving round Lesotho. Driving round Lesotho having a chat. It's Bud Pod on wheels. It's Bud Pod on wheels.

Me and Phil driving round Lesotho. Everybody's watching and so can you too. So can you who? And so can you who want to see it? Do watch it and tweet about it if you like it

because then it'll make us look really popular. And then we can both be like the new guys who drive motorbikes down Africa. Like a guy who looks like Richard Herring and a guy from Trainspotting. I'm trying to find the broadcast time and for fuck's sake, it's very difficult to find out

what time TV shows are on. Do you know what it is? Yeah, it is tough. They seem to think that that information is privileged in some way. You're asking and they're going, I don't think that's any of your business actually when the show's on

I don't think you need to know it's like TV has given up on itself linear TV you know yes I agree with that most dangerous roads Dave I literally give up looking for the time that this TV show is on it's on in the evening

I don't know but then it'll be on UK TV play afterwards it's on UK TV play now actually so you can't just watch it now I don't know why they've already put it on but you can watch it on UK TV play right now we'll see you and Pierre driving around

the zoo too I think some pod pods already have already seen it and they've tweeted about it yes thank you for the nice tweets dude just tweet about it if you enjoy it whether you see it in advance or not but me and phil are saving it for sunday like uh god intended yes yes we're saving it for sunday it's going to be a lovely treat lovely treat I can't find the time either lovely treat

yeah it's really hard I agree with what you said though about it is like TV's given up on itself they're like so they're so bruised and battered by the internet and streaming and pay per view and sky and whatever else they're just bruised and battered by the internet and streaming and

pay-per-view and Sky and whatever they're just sort of going well there's probably no point in even saying what things are on no one will even listen yeah TV's become like an incel yeah yes people don't even want nice TV anymore

they want mean TV. They want Chad TVs. Eight o'clock. Eight o'clock. Yeah. 8pm this Sunday. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. Phil and Pierre drive around a tiny African country.

This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. It's dangerous roads, roads, roads in the mountainous kingdom of Lesotho, Sotho, Sotho. Did they survive? Only one way to find out. Tune in. Sunday, 8pm on Dave. I think we're the best at being on

the TV. That's what I think. Yeah, I've always said this about us. We are the best, maybe in the world at being on tv just being on tv yeah it just comes very naturally to us i think if you showed some american executives or executives in china australia nigeria anywhere in the world they would look and they'd go we've never seen people as good at being on TV as these guys. Cigars would be dropping from lips, is all I'm saying. Peter, do you want to start some correspondence now?

Do you want to go through a chunk of it? Yeah. Yeah. Didn't he get through a chunk of it? Yeah Letters, emails, phone calls Your sister Keep a straight eye Letters Correspondence

Nice We have a correspondence policy now everyone We're going to do We're going to do More modern correspondence To fix the time travel issue, but we will be doing big old batches of correspondence specials for the backlog. So don't worry.

We will get to you. Big old batches of backlog. And then we will release them on days where we're away or, i mean you and me are going to be on tour together i'm doing your support for a lot of the tour coming up soon as well we can do some road recording this as well whatever mix it up but we're trying to modernize here um so we're going to solve two problems at once two birds two birds one poo yeah We're going to splatter two birds with one poo and catch up to the modern day in the email and create a sort of military reserve of episodes.

Yes. That we can call upon. Yes, so a dad's army of episodes. Yeah. Yeah, a dad's army of episodes. Yeah. Yeah, a TA. Yes. A territorial army of episodes. Absolutely.

Dustin gets in touch. Dustin, you've been busting to tell us about this. Yeah. He says, greetings to the Brothers the brothers p oh that's nice yeah uh praise redacted blah blah blah um well more fool you for this next comment dustin recently which is probably four years ago based on correspondence rates well well. Well, well, well. Well, well, well.

Not so. It's only two years, actually. So who looks silly now? It's only 10 days, Dustin, whenever we're reading this. Wow. Incredible. Recently, you spoke about Phil's lovely trip

to see some old things in Greece. Yeah. I went to Athens, didn't we? Went to that Acropolis. We went loco up on Akropopo. You went loco on Akropopo. Specifically, the old falling apart Parthenon. I believe Pierre mentioned that he would much rather see a perfect replica of something like that than the shitty original model. Not my words, but yes.

Yeah, controversial. I do words, but yes. Yeah. Controversial. I do have some wonderful news for you. In Nashville, we have a to-scale perfect replica of the Parthenon. No way! I need to see this. Yeah. He says... Nashville Parthenon. Nashville to-scale perfect replica of the Parthenon

complete with a giant gold statue of Athena. Oh my god. And it's in much better condition than a run-down shack they call a historic site. 4.6 stars on Google reviews. Wow. It's an art museum in Nashville, Tennessee. Wow.

I can't believe the home of country music is also the home of the cult of Athena. We just love her wisdom. Wow, this is incredible. Yeah, Google it, guys. This is so sick. It's worth a look. That is really cool. Wow, it's really impressive.

And you'd think it's going to be gaudy, but it's actually quite tasteful. I don't think they've fully painted the marbles, though. It looks like they've painted the red background and left the white... Yeah, the statue of Goddess Athena inside is coloured, but the statues on the outside are not, which I think is correct. I think that's the right choice. Wow, I'd never heard of this. This is great.

How long before some incredibly right wing Christians try and like smash it up though like what happened in real life heathens those people are worshipping an owl goddess they're pagans in our midst yeah

are there any ancient greek sort of like Zeus worshipping country music musicians? Hmm. Ancient Greece country music. Yeah.

I sacrificed my cow to Zeus and now I've got a new hat. Things like that. Well, thanks, Dustin. That's a great bit of that's a great bit of info. things like that well thanks Dustin that's a great bit of that's a great bit of info

Dustin says also we had a mayor from 1987 to 1991 named Bill Boner oh fantastic there are a few Boners in American politics it seems

Mayor Bill Boner is it B-O-E-H-N-E-R no it's just Boner so his name is Dick Boner wow B-o-e-h-n-e-r no it's just boner so his name is dick wow b-o-n-e-r dick boner william boner willie boner there's no hiding from that it's just there you can't say that oh it's actually called pronounced bayner or burner yeah they try that it's just no it's it's you might as well just shake someone's hand and go Hi, I'm Penis I'm Penis I'm a big swinging penis

Sorry, how are you pronouncing that? Penis P-E-N-I-S, like the penis, like the cock Like the piss comes out Because they're being polite And they're assuming it must be a different spelling No, no, no, Penis, like jizz, piss You know And they're nodding and they're assuming it must be a different spelling. No, no, no. Penis. Like, yeah, jizz, piss, you know. And they're nodding like they want you to stop.

They don't, like, speak more quietly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi, I've got an appointment. Imagine you're walking through Nashville, listening to all the music and the country, and you look to your left and there's just the Parthenon. Oh, I went to the Parthenon to meet old William Penis. Dustin says he was also a substitute teacher I had when I was in school. That's brutal.

Wait, wait, wait. The mayor was a substitute teacher i had when i was in school that's brutal wait wait the mayor was a substitute teacher for dustin i don't think necessarily at the same time yeah right so pre-mayor mayor boner was a substitute teacher mayor called mr boner mayor boner mayor boner that's like mayor culpo but instead of saying my fault it's when you you want to fess up to having a boner yeah yeah yeah boner yeah someone's got a boner in here yep sorry mayor boner mayor boner mayor maxima boner i've got a real huge huge one on now a bunch of sexy dancers come on stage uh mayor boner you put your hands up mayor boner sorry guys i have to go mayor boner yeah it wouldn't be funny if in room people you just went

does someone have a boner where you start opening windows okay who's got a boner? Where you start opening windows. Okay, who's got a boner? Who's got a boner in here, guys? Someone's like, don't look at me. I haven't even eaten today. Really? Hoo boy. Y'all missed a hell of a day down at the Acropolis.

Them philosophers were in there debating what means, Hoo boy, y'all missed a hell of a day down at the Acropolis. Them philosophers were in there debating what it means is a man, a human man. And some feller said it was a featherless biped. And this other feller, well, he took exception to that. And so he shows up. He's gone and plucked a chicken taking a hand a rooster or something and it's still alive man that seemed cruel and showed up with it and said behold the man said look at this this is your definition you fucking moron and of course that's turned to fighting and brawling. But to where a good point he made, I thought, yeah, that ain't a man, that's a featherless bird.

So it's like a hell of a, something like that happens every weekend around here near the temple or the square, Plato, and other guys like that are there. He said, he asked, one of those fellas said, is seawater, is it toxic? And of course, I being a dumbass, I said yes. And he said, well, what if you're a fish? Well, that had me stumped.

I mean, he's right. If you're a fish, it's not toxic. It's the opposite. You live inside it, so fair enough. It's toxic and not toxic. The answer is it depends. And arm wrestling. There's a lot of arm wrestling as well.

So anything. And some banjo. So it's a good time. um who is this ian ian wow we do get interesting names on the show. Ian, are you seeing this? Your correspondence? Wow. Are you seeing this? Are you seeing this?

Ian says, dear meat and two veg. That's funny. Nice. Which one would you like to be? Well, I mean, considering the amount of beef you eat, you're definitely meat. There's a reason we eat the meats that we eat. Compared to you, I'm a vegetarian and I eat meat. So, yeah, I think, yeah, you're meat and I'm too veg.

Which two veg? Broccoli And cabbage Yes that's good Europe and Asia These are my favourite veg I think that's Europe and Asia there True true true

Do you eat two veg? I'm an aspiring historian Currently around the 100 mark. Many good luck on your travels. Yes. Physicians do not recommend, but I can see you've already started. May Athena guide your way.

May Billy Boner guide your way. May she bestow upon thee the wisdom she hath clearly bestowed on William Boner guide your way. May she bestow upon thee the wisdom she hath clearly bestowed on William Boner. Currently around the 100 mark and have finally felt sufficiently qualified to write in with a couple of morsels which I hope you will judge worthy of the Bud Pod canon.

It's a nice sentiment. We shall see. Beginning with Hitler, as we must. That's how I start all my stories. Yeah. A few weeks ago on Twitter I came across a post about the Führer. While the description is undeniable,

I do feel it lacks the required gravitas when describing the horrors of the Third Reich I attach a screenshot for your judgement so it's a tweet about an article about the Third Reich or about Hitler it just says this is a sensationally good piece of journalism

perhaps the best I've ever read and if you read it all the way through you'll see why. I think that's fine it sounds like a bit of an overstatement perhaps the best I've ever read, and if you read it all the way through, you'll see why. I think that's fine. Well, I think it sounds like a bit of an overstatement. Really, the best piece of journalism you've ever read. It's definitely click-baity, but it's not about Hitler. I mean, to be fair, it's unfortunate, because the picture that shows up when this guy's linking to the article, it's a massive picture of Hitler. It's always gotta be.

It's always gotta be. For a culture that apparently hates Hitler, they sure do like a photo of the guy. Yeah, it's... If a newspaper article has got anything to do with Hitler,

you don't want to bury that. No. The History Channel knows this very well. Where would the History Channel be without Hitler Yeah But the real meat of what I would like to write to you about Is the following Sidestepping the poo and going straight to the wanking

Yep As I often have to do at an orgy Because you were late Ah I missed the pooing I often have to do at an orgy. Because you were late. Ah, I missed the pooing. I sidestepped that. I can't tell you how much I would hate it if orgies began with a small session of what they call the pooing.

Right, empty yourselves out, everyone. It's for the good of the orgy. You'd all be horrible. That would be horrible. That would really make the orgy gross. It's a good phrase to start at the beginning of a meeting, like it's a well-known metaphor. Right, guys, let's sidestep the poo and get straight to the wank. Let's get down to brass tacks.

So, Ian says, sidestepping the poo and going straight to the wanking I would like to share with you a tale about a colleague We shall call him Marco Marco Marco Who one night after work Shared a little too much Shared a little too much

As in said too much Yes When he was a young lad shared a little too much. As in said too much he. Yes. When he was a young lad, Marco was blessed with a sacred time between his arrival home from school and his working parents' arrival home a little later. Ah, unsupervised child time.

A window. Unsurprisingly, he spent the vast majority of this Elysium. What's Elysium? It's the sort of Roman heaven. Ah. The fields of Elysium are the fields of wheat and gladiator in his heaven. Yes. Ah.

Very good, very good. Unsurprisingly. Unsurprisingly, he spent the vast majority of this Elysium exploring the joys of penile manipulation. Imagine him tying it up

like balloon animals. Yes. The original Jeff Koons. Fortunately for him, his family had an eloquent and enthusiastic dog. Eloquent? Yeah. An eloquent dog, like Brian from Family Guy. Yes.

Yes. An eloquent dog, like Brian from Family Guy. Yes. And Marco would be alerted to the imminent arrival of his parents by the faithful hound barking out its greeting. Oh, I see. Very good. So it's like a wanky guard dog. Yeah.

A wank hound. A canary in the coal mine. A canary in the wank mine. Oh, wow, that's so nice. Wow, he's friendly. What kind of dog is that? Oh, it's a wank mind oh wow that's so not wow what kind of he's friendly what kind of dog is that oh it's a wank hound um they were bred to alert people when someone was coming to their house so they could stop wanking um obviously these days they're mainly just they're so good with they're so amenable they're just just good pets. Oh, wow, that's interesting. Gosh. They're good guard dogs,

but only because they think intruders are about to interrupt a wank. Yeah. But it's effectively the same. Yeah, and then when you get them new, you do have to have a few wanks just to show them. Like, you know, our dog, we don't do it anymore. We've got kids now, but we still like to shut the shut the bathroom door and he goes and stands by the front door. You've got to indulge them, you know, it's what they're for.

It's what they're for. So, yes, Marco would be alerted to the imminent arrival of his parents by the faithful hound's bark. And so upon hearing this alarm, Marco would finish up as quickly as he could to avoid being caught in any uncompromising circumstances. Or compromising circumstances. Yeah, sure. Fine, yes. Returning to the recent past, our intrepid hero, perhaps unwisely, divulged details of his previous night's conquest. Hmm. Okay, so fast forward. This is where he's sharing too much.

Okay. We shall call the lady Gina. Okay. Marco and Gina. After meeting in a bar and hitting it off big time, they found themselves back at Gina's place engaging in filth.

What? What? After meeting in a bar and hitting it off big time, they found themselves back at Gina's place engaging in filth. Engaging in filth. Sure. Shall we engage in filth? Would you like to come back to my boudoir? We could engage in filth, perchance. Perchance to cream. Shall we have a poo time first? What an orgy

But unfortunately for Marco around 30 seconds into the act a passing dog barked outside the open window and he came immediately No! That's very funny Pavlov's dog. Pavlov's coming dog.

He titles it Pavlovian Ejaculation. Yes, of course. Pavlovian Ejaculation. He signs off. Here ends today's sermon. Bum-bye and koji. Bum-bye to you. Bum-bye, Ian.

That's good. Bum-bye, Ian. Thank you very much. That, Ian. That's good. Bum-bye, Ian. Thank you very much. That's great. That's impressive. It's impressive skill. It's impressive. I think that's true.

You reckon that's true? It has the hallmarks of some urban myths, but it's not exaggerated or trying to be too urban dictionary dot com. That's right, it isn't mega gross, is it? The finale isn't horrible, so it probably is true. I think in the hands of most liars and myth makers, the dog would somehow get involved. They love a bit of that yeah or some parent would walk in on them or something or yeah they'd come on the dog or they'd fuck the dog or eat the dog or put the dog in her ass or whatever and he came home and he had the dog in his ass what the whole dot yeah it's true It's true. My friend said it.

My friend said it. It's true. That's why Spaniels have got those long tails, because you pull them out of the guy's bum like you pull it out of a rabbit's den. And the dog never barked again. There's always some consequence to it. Thanks, Ian. We have a message

from Thomas from Edinburgh. Thomas, what do you want from us? Oh, that's good. That's new, I think. Thank you. Yeah, because we got a few Toms. Yeah. Hello, sir

and sir with the sexier voice I shall allow you to decide between yourselves Who is who I missed that one What was the greeting? Hello sir and sir with the sexier voice Oh Hello sir and sir

Hmm So we have to decide who's who Um I'll play you for it We'll flip a coin So we have to decide who's who. I'll play you for it. We'll flip a coin. A round of hoops. A round of hoops. Hoops.

Thomas says, I'm a very recent Pistorian with the inspiration to write to you coming from my brother Sean being featured in episode 201, the last episode. Oh, yes. The live one. Wow. How weird to have correspondence that refers to the previous week's correspondence. Mad. A new world. A new dawn has broken, has it not? As you can tell, this shit clearly runs in our family.

Unlike my brother's tale, there is no mystery to unravel here for unfortunately the feces that is the focus came from myself oh a mea poopa mea maxima poopa it's a funny thing to be standing there with pants full of shit waving your hand

saying there's no mystery here twas I. Twas ever I. Allow me to cast your minds back to my youth. Let me cast your minds back to my youth. Yeah. At the ripe old age of 15. 15.

As with any sport, some days... Oh, it's skiing based. He hasn't said this, but it's skiing. Ah. As with any sport, some days are good and some days, well, you get the idea. And on this fateful day, I was attending the English Ski Championships in the beautiful Italian town of Borneo. Borneo? That's where I'm from.

Well, with an M. Oh, Bor-meo. Bor-meo. Wow. Yeah. Which is where you'll end up getting flights to if you ever develop a speech impediment. One flight to Borneo, please. Certainly. My nerves were only outweighed by the sickening amounts of lasagna I had consumed the night before. Perfect. I noted at the time of consumption that something about the lasagna tasted wrong. However, a hungry body needs fuel, and at

that point I would have eaten anything that was placed in front of me. Mmm. It's dangerous. You can sometimes just taste when something's off. Yeah. One bite in, you go, oh, that'll be horrible poo later. Anyway, back to the race. I was one of the first male racers down the slope,

so as you can imagine, the start area was packed full of children. So crowded, in fact, that I had missed the convenient port-a-loo that had been placed at the top of the run for the competitors. For the pre-run runs. For the pre-run runs. For poop time. Like at an orgy, you understand. Not to worry, I thought to myself. I can always go after my run.

Oh, how pure and naive is the young mind. I clipped myself into my skis and took my place in the line for my race. This was when the first grumble hit, and the intense feeling of needing to drop a log suddenly surged over me. Clipped into skis, that's rough.

It's a horrible feeling. When you're trapped, locked into something. Trapped somewhere. Like needing to shit when the rollercoaster bars close over you. Squeezing your gut. In this moment, I was getting to see what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. For I

needed to poo, and yet they would not hold the race for me to do so. Ah. Let me take this moment to enlighten you about some lesser-known aspects of racing, ski racing. In order to race, you about some lesser-known aspects of ski racing. In order to race, you must wear what is referred to as a catsuit. So it's a one-piece race suit.

Yeah, that's the sort of... Yeah. Yeah. Stupid sexy Flanders. Yeah, exactly. Indeed, it is questionable for parents and coaches to shove children into these types of things, but we move on. The suit is skin-tight, and it was quite a warm day, so I'd only worn a pair of boxers underneath to prevent from overheating.

Mm-hmm. The first of many mistakes. Oh, dear. Yeah. Anyway, back to the races. As the numbers before me slowly passed, so too did the pain within my stomach. Eh?

That's good. Oh, okay, it's going down, yeah. To the point where all it felt like I had to do was pass gas. A social faux pas to say the least when at the top of a ski race. Mm. Mm. You're fine. They're not going to notice it.

Yeah. I glanced around to make sure the coast was clear and carefully let one rip. Mm. The silence in the start area Was almost as thick as the smell that had permeated Everyone's nostrils Not only did the smell make me a dead giveaway as the culprit The third bulge around my butt cheeks

Was a clear giveaway No Lump in the suit So tight this clothing That was when my number was called to go next So they're all taking turns It's time based I guess Slowly I shuffled my when my number was called to go next. So they're all taking turns. It's time-based, I guess. Slowly I shuffled my way towards the start box,

and as much as I hate to admit it, I locked eyes with everyone I passed. The shame was unfathomable. I knew what I had done, and so did everyone else. However, there was one man on the hill who seemed oblivious to the trail of devastation

and skid marks I had left behind me. My coach, who shall remain nameless for their sake, approached me as I readied myself to push away,

wished me luck, and then still blissfully unaware of what had happened, slapped me right on the ass. No, I knew that's where it was going, and still I wasn't ready. Good luck. No.

Horrible. Thus creating... What is this, an Ace Ventura movie? Creating such a bigger problem. Such a worse problem now. So he says, needless to say, the following race was run as horrendous. What is that?

The race was run as horrendous as the contents of my catsuit. Oh, yes. Okay. So the race was as shitty as my catsuit. Sure. Yeah. Once at the bottom, I rushed to the bathroom to dispose of the evidence. When inside a nice

private cubicle, I stripped completely nude and threw my now useless boxes into the toilet. The saddest memory of that day was watching the slightly disappointed face of the cookie monster as my boxes span and then disappear, to become the problem of the Italian drainage network. What? He flushed?

I don't think this wasn't flush of boxes yeah he flushed his fucking pants that's terrible remember to keep on that's so bad thank you thomas from edinburgh thank you thomas that's very good stuff oh great yeah great thomas thomas of the slopes thomas of the slopes story that's very good well now it's time to go to the vip ski resort of the patreon yes yes um yes um so if you're a patron we'll see you on friday if not watch us on dangerous roads sunday on dave at 8 p.m sunday sunday tv play sunday sunday sunday uk tv play all right bye