BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 204 - What If She's A Laugh?

Episode Date: March 8, 2023

What if she’s a laugh? Phil getting caned, unhealthy snacks vs Pierre's loathed British drywors/droewors, home is where your toilet is/tat from Danica, sketch is marjorie’s bollard job, matthew’s posh poo boys Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod 204. 204, I can't take it anymore. I'm just, I'm quite tired today. Yeah. Because it's been a big weekend for me. I was at the O2 this weekend. I did my first arena gig. You did double O2.

I did, I doubled O2. That's crazy The JFL Just for Laughs festival was in London for the first time Proper Just for Laughs That's all they're here for Just Laughs, nothing else No Pathos

Or Bathos Our joke's all technically Bathos Because Bathos or baith like our jokes all technically bathos because bathos is of a build-up of pathos and then you you betray it yeah you pop it oh maybe you're right i mean i almost called the show bathos because all jokes are bathos that's interesting that'd be funny a guy going right it's all bathos people if i see any path any pathos, I'm going to lose my fucking rag. If I started a comedy festival, I'd call it Bathos Festival. Bathos. Bathos.

Jeff Bathos. He's the funniest. That's his stage name. Jeff Bathos. Bathos. That's how you say it in Spanish. Is the Spanish name Bathos? No, no.

Like you lisp. Oh, Bathos. Of course. Bathos. So on the Friday night was a big gala hosted by graham norton yes spangly jacket spangly jacket himself yeah graham norton and he had a couple of drag queens on danny beard and bianca del rio i think the name is sure um i mean it's blind leading the blind yeah yeah yeah like i was about to go ah bianca dario doesn't work in the following months no i've got no idea katherine ryan joel

jade adams um and sam rider off of off of eurovision did two songs oh the man with the biggest mouth in england he can get his mouth big. When he sings, he goes, wah, like that. Really? Wah! Like Freddie Mercury. Yeah, yeah, yeah, big time. Giant mouth.

I mean, he's a very good singer, but I think he's so good at singing because he opens his mouth big enough for all the notes to come out. Yeah. All the notes come out. They come out without bumps on them from your teeth. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just pure, just, bah, just a pure beam full letter it's like a hame hame ha or something it's like it's like a beam shooting out of his mouth

space mouth is more like just like a tuber opening yeah it really is

a circle of sound people like to talk about the voice as their instrument but for him it really is Like a French horn I met him backstage

Very chill, very kind of hippie guy Hey man, here you go Shorter than I thought He's about Up to my chin maybe Oh really? That is short Long hair

But sweet guy He was about up to my chin, maybe. Oh, really? Yeah. That is short. Long hair. But sweet guy. But it was 7,000 people. Most people I've ever performed to. What was that like? I mean, the most I've ever done would be Sheffield Town Hall supporting Frank. And that would have been 2,800. Oh, yeah. 2,800.

Wow. That's a big boy. But that was a bit like00. Oh, yeah. Wow, that's a big boy. But that was a bit like gigging to the sea. Yes, it is like gigging to the sea. That's exactly it. Yeah. I could pick out the faces in the first five rows, maybe, but then you can just sort of see the shadows

all the way to the back because of the adverts around the perimeter of the arena, you get just enough light to see the shape all the way to the back because because of the adverts around the perimeter of the arena you get just enough light to see the shape of the crowd right but they're like dark figures so it's like the the audience in like um one of those old pixel boxing games yeah well it's more like these sort of outlines of heads well they look like spirits like ghosts it it was kind of ominous have you seen the new it no well when he opens his mouth you look into it and you see all the souls he's eaten and it's like transfixing you can't look away even though it's horrible and it wasn't horrible but it was like looking into kind of hades and all these souls oh cool but but i think the human mind can't really like

even compute that number of people so it felt i felt like i was performing to maybe 500 people yeah and was that say they're that thing where you do the joke you know and it was my bum yeah whatever and it goes like yeah it's like the main thing was you have to give each joke a lot more time because the laugh has to go all the way to the back and then come back to you yeah yeah because everyone laughs out of step with each other anyway

but with that many people it's just like every sort of version of laugh is there so you just kind of have to wait for it all to ebb and then you go again but it was nice it was there. So you just kind of have to wait for it all to ebb and then you go again. But it was nice. It was fun. And I got to kind of,

I've never done that before. Did you move around a lot? I always feel like when I'm on a big stage, I always think, I don't really move. I don't need this. I would rather be on like a pillar. Yeah.

Yeah. I became quite stationary. But when I started doing stand-up as a know as a teenager i was bound about stage and yeah now and then i became very very static and now i'm trying to be more mobile again yeah it's it's the thing with some gigs small gigs like stuff the stage i'm thinking of here is maybe like something like ruby blue in London. In London. If you move, it's distracting. I think it's worse. Yeah. But if it's big,

I think people switch off if you're not near to their bit. Or at the very least, if you go near to their bit, they go, whoa! Yeah, you have to engage everyone. This guy's over here now. Just give them a reason not to clock off.

Just make eye contact with each section. Yeah. Kylie Minogue style. Yeah. But it was like gigging to the sea you're right yeah but but the sea that enjoyed it you know i did well laughing sea yeah laughing sea bunch of laughing seas in that crowd um yeah so that was really interesting and then last night sunday the wrestling was on max in a van um comedians come wrestlers

uh they've done it before they organized it at the fringe it's like a big novelty show where a bunch of clowns put on leotards and and wrestle each other with also some professionals in there yeah and i was in the big eight-way championship match at the end oh nice and i went through a table i just showed pi video of me going through a table off off the ring it's so sick it's great it felt wonderful what what did you quickly clear off the table there were props from abby clark's character the ringfluencer and she so her character is that um she has a paid partnership with this energy drink is it just cups and stuff no it's cans oh shit like basically red bull cans right

and they were meant to clear them and but stuff gets messed up on the night and people forget things yeah and i looked down and i knew how to go through the table so i had to make up a reason and so i just said um there should be no product placement at the wrestling and i i knocked it all away then i got on the turnbuckle and then went through the table nice but we hadn't practiced the table at all they just kept during training Max and Evan just kept saying

and then you go through the table and you stretch it off and I was just like can we try this at some point I mean we only have one table

on the day well literally they only had one table and on the day it turned up and they showed me the table and said

where do you want it and I was like oh god and I just kept like getting up on the ring and I couldn't and they showed me the table, and said, where do you want it? I was like, oh, God. And I just kept getting up on the ring, and I couldn't practice. I just had to keep getting up, so imagine falling through it,

imagining going through it. And all the pros there were going, it's fine, it's great. I mean, I've never gone through a table before, but you'll be absolutely fine. I'm like, what? So the two of the pros there had never gone through a table. So you were doing something

that even they hadn't quite reached yet. In a sense, yeah. But weirdly, the referee for the night, a really nice guy called Oscar, he had gone through the table as a referee in a match. Oh, of course, because he's like a character. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like in one match, one of the wrestlers accidentally knocks the referee into the table into the table sure sure so he was showing me a video of him going through a table and when i went through it it was so nice it was like the comfiest thing ever it was like going

someone someone said it was like going through a ball pit i was like yeah that's exactly what it's like going into a big ball pit really yeah because they also said they put like a bunch of abby's uh's cardboard boxes underneath. Because it was meant to be her merch stand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so that kind of cushioned it too. Oh, cool. And it gives such great noise.

This real crunchy kind of noise. Yes. And people are like, oh, wow. Even as a kid watching the wrestling, I remember thinking, looking at the referee going, what is this for him? Yeah. There aren't seemingly any rules. And the infractions are never accompanied by any, you know. Well, the ref is always checking up on people.

That's what they're doing, really. Yeah, it's like a hidden medic, it seems like. Yeah, hidden medic. It's a kind of director as well. Oh, yeah, yeah. yeah um but it was so much fun and and then i came back heroically and i won so i did you i'm current the wrestling champion yeah oh i didn't know this yeah yeah i i sort of looked on social media and people were saying saying some photos and stuff but there wasn't a lot of detail oh wow well congratulations thank you very much i do need to post about it i'm just so tired

yeah do you have pictures with the belt and everything yeah oh yeah you got it yeah come on come on yeah you've got a big belt isn't that every boy's dream yeah it was pretty great to as someone who's obsessed with wrestling in in my teenage years. Yeah, we got a tweet from someone, I think, who said that their school was the same as mine, where it was all like the rough kids who liked the wrestling. The frightening boys. That's so strange. Yeah.

As opposed to the nerds. Yeah, I think in my school it was more nerdy in Malaysia. I got recognized in a pub Oh yeah By a pod bud Who saw me It must have been like Seeing Bob Dylan tuning a guitar

In the wild They saw me looking for the toilet I was at a 30th birthday and it was in the sort of front zone of the pub. And then you go through a door and there's a sort of back zone in which there was another 30th. Wow, okay.

Yeah, and this pod bud was at that one. Oh, right. To access the loos, you had to walk through what I began to think of in my head as the rival birthday. Oh, but they got the loo room. They got the loo room. They got the loo room.

It's true room. Would you prefer the non-loo room or the loo room? Because if you have the loo room, you have easy access to the toilet. Frequent interlopers. I think I'd want the non-loo room. I think you're right. We were by the door,

so we did sort of have interlopers anyway. But loo interlopers it's different yeah yeah it's that it's difficult in a pub isn't it where you're in a room where you sort of feel like you have the expectation of privacy but you haven't actually rented a room you've just got a table that's the only table in a room right and you get to constantly have i don't know if you have this but i constantly have the little spikes of anxiety of who's that person why are they at the birthday as in are they meant to be yeah yeah yeah i don't like do they think this is a normal is this normal no this is for no i don't

like it yeah i don't like it but yeah um a little name on on a small chalkboard yeah place on the table that kind of thing yeah look at it look 6 30 p.m read it go away. Look, 6.30 to 9.30pm. Why won't you leave us alone? In peace. Harvesting and drinking. Yeah, but they saw me looking for the bogs. And we had a lovely chat. And they saw your late Netflix record. And they and their friends are in a lot of the shots.

You made it sound like my next Netflix record died. Your late Netflix record. God rest its soul, of course. So that was very thrilling. Because it feels like the sort of thing that happens to people more of a Joe Lysett level. Okay. Being recognized. Being recognized in a pub.

Right. Feels a bit different. Right, yeah. It feels like, oh, can't even go for a quiet drink. Did you like it? Of course I did. Of course I did. Great pleasure.

A great pleasure. Is that your first time being recognized in a pub? Ooh. Maybe in a pub that isn't... Outside of the fringe. Yeah, that isn't a pub that has a gig in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe it is, actually.

Although, I don't know if I mentioned this on the pod before, but myself and my partner and some friends were sort of drunkenly hiking up the road nearby a while back. And a cool guy with a mustache smoking a rolled up cigarette outside a theater pub just shouted Koji at us. Oh, sick.

And I was like, that's cool. That's great. But it was like 3 a.m. So I was like, no! Back at him. I was like, what? Thumbs up. Yeah, I wasn't cool about it.

But that was cool and it's hard to explain Koji when it's shout out shout out yeah that's good yeah

yeah so very nice it's what here's a question what is the backstage like at the O2 is it a warren

of rooms lot of yes lots of long lot of rooms long hallways and a lot of dressing rooms. And lots of framed T-shirts from acts that have played there before. Like Britney Spears signed T-shirts. Memorabilia. Backstreet Boys.

JLS. And a wall of keys. Each one with the name of an act who's played 21 shows at the O2. Keys? Yeah, I guess it's kind of like Key to the City, maybe Key to the O2. It's like Prince. Very quest-like.

But Mickey Flanagan is one of them. Yeah, that guy. He did 21 nights at the O2? I had no idea. That fucking guy lives at the O2. Is he still doing shows? Yeah, I think he's still doing shows at the O2. I was astonished. That fucking guy lives at the O2. Is he still doing shows? Yeah, I think he's still doing shows at the O2. I was astonished. He seems to just do so

many. Yeah. Mickey Flanagan seems to do nothing and then do a show at the O2. I know, yeah. He's one of those guys. He's like a groundhog. If Mickey Flanagan does a show at the O2 and sees his own shadow, it'll be a long

winter. And we wait until next year but the backstage, the actual back of the stage is kind of like it's like the stage at a music festival or something yeah, sort of wires bolted to the floor and some folding chairs

everything's sort of movable because everyone has a different setup I guess yeah, that's right. Yes, there'll be someone. It's funny to think of Britney Spears having a t-shirt. She's not a very t-shirt person. I think it might have been like one of the tall t-shirts. Yeah, exactly.

But it's sort of, it's not for her so much. No, no, no. It would have to be like, I guess a slightly eerie schoolgirl shirt. It was like Britney Spears. If the signed framed object related to the star. With prints, it would have to be like a velvet waistcoat. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, right. For Britney, it would be that tied up schoolgirl shirt. Creepy schoolgirl top. Yeah. God bless her. Mad now, of course. Shame. Shame that she's mad now. Free, though. Yeah Mad now of course Shame Shame that she's mad now

Free though Free to be mad Free but crazy But you know it's cool to be backstage There are all these superstars And treaded those boards Oh I got something for you on the way here, which is...

Which will be both a treat, but also make you angry. I just thought... Lovely. It's a bag of Drewverse, but made in London. Oh, no. And meat. Meat. South African dried sausage, but not not it's got a great taste award

but then that'll be given to them by 2017 oh pre-covid taste oh no but i thought i want to i need a little snack and i kind of want to try it what i like is um because this is a culture that doesn't know what this is. Yes. They're having to emphasize sort of health benefits in a way that are laughable to me. Right, yeah. What does it say? Gluten-free. Low-carbon sugar.

Right. Yeah, because it's fat and meat. Yeah, and salt. High in protein. Yeah, it's a sausage. Yeah. No MSG. Yeah, most things. It's not Asian. It's not Asian. Let's. Yeah, it's a sausage. Yeah. No MSG. Yeah, most things.

It's not Asian. It's not Asian. Let's be frank. It's not Asian. And I know you hate masticating on the waves, but I want to see your reaction. Just because we have recently, when we were in, we went up north on a dining trip recently,

and you brought some absolutely fantastic Biltong and Drovus Shout out to Not even a paid advert I'd love for them to sponsor us and give us free stuff Snoggies of South London It's spelled how it sounds You can order through the post

I order my beef through the post Okay it's in little chunks They've chunked it Okay that's a bad sign But they've sort of turned it into like a kind of crisp experience. Okay. He's whiffing the bag. He's chewing.

No immediate obvious reaction so far. He's thinking. Appears to have even thought about this, actually. Pretty bland. Bland! Yeah. Let me try. Compare it to the one that I gave you from Snoggy's.

This is like product placement now. Apologies for this, listeners. It's essentially a salami stick, is what we're dealing with here. I don't think that is bland. Oh, hmm. The spices are nice and flavorful at the top. But you're right, there's not too much... It top But you're right There's not too much There's not too much to back it up afterwards

Yeah It's oddly aromatic I wonder what recipe they're using It promises more than it delivers But it's fine It starts off very well Actually the spicing is real nice I think just the meat is not that tasty

It's all fine. I wonder what meats they use. You can use different combos. What does it say? Welcome to Sausage Pod. You're listening to Sausage Pod. Sausage from the mouth. Sausage from the bum.

Now, they're using beef only, to be fair. The ones we had, did they have other bits in them? Beef, a little bit of pork maybe even some lamb fat holy crap i know elaborate i think that's what we did that's what we're missing that might be what we're missing but i like this because this is this is like proper like pub this is the equivalent what all this labeling and stuff and this little blue packet it's in like gluten-free do you need protein? Are you an active leisure wearer?

Power walking? It's all like if you went to a country and like pork scratchings were labelled like that no gluten good for carbo loading the packaging is really unpleasant.

It's blue. It's dark blue. It's kind of like... You know what it looks like? It looks like Holland and Barrett, Brazil nut. Or like... Wapachupa powder. Mix it into your smoothies for greater vitality.

It looks like one of them. It really does. Come with a little plastic spoon. Unhealthy snacks should not be packaged as healthy no and they're only doing it because they don't know how to convince the british consumer to eat little sausages i feel like this british consumer would love to eat little sausages all the british consumer wants is little the second you say it's dried instead of like boiled and right fucking i couldn't convince any of my friends growing up to try biltong or dry

Vos through a vos What is it? It's like dark And yeah it's like Dried beef like steak It's not even cooked it's raw They're struggling To get out of my vice like grip Please eat it

And they'd eat it And they'd sort of go yeah it's okay Wrong Wrong go wrong go Eat it. And they'd eat it and they'd sort of go, oh, yeah, it's okay. Wrong. Wrong-o-fongo. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Wrong.

A thousand times wrong. Yeah, they were just against it. So I have sympathy for whatever marketing department had to sit and go, right, guys, is there any gluten in these sausages? Okay, gluten-free, great. Next step. Have these sausages directlyly caused any murders Maybe that's worth mentioning

It puts me off food when it says And I'm not trying to be some Edgelord We can't even handle gluten anymore But when things say like gluten free No MSG high in protein It puts me off because it makes it look like the food's been tampered with I was literally about to say

It's a big label that says, we fucked with it. Exactly, yeah. We fucked with it. If it's naturally these things, just leave it. It was something really nice, but don't worry, some crucial element of the niceness,

we've fucked with it and taken it away. Absolutely, yeah. Yeah. Finally, lager without that annoying fizz. Right, okay. Too many people's teeth Are damaged by the carbon Dioxide in the fizz

Yeah I don't want it then I don't want it then I don't care about those people I don't care about them Or my teeth I want my fizzy beer I didn't come here to be healthy

I came here to Yeah I came here to drink poison Yeah It's very much salad at McDonald's It's like If I wanted this I would go somewhere else. I am always amazed that there isn't an option.

There's an option. If you try to order McDonald's through Deliveroo or something, or even on the big screens when you're in one, and they're like, what would you like with your burger? It's like, chips. The fuck do you mean? Are you sure you can have a bag of half green, half red, sour cherry tomatoes?

What if someone picks carrot sticks and an alarm goes off? Yeah, I think... Just call the police. Immediately, people should rappel from the ceiling and shoot you. Someone can go, I'm just trying to be healthy! And then they blow his head off and it's just like frozen mercury, like Terminator. Back to be healthy and then they blow his head off and it's just like frozen mercury like a terminator

back to normal and then realize you're a replicant or something who yeah because who goes like well obviously i'm having like an incredibly dry melted cheese mayonnaise covered fucking world's least bread like bun burger. But no, James. Come on. It shouldn't be an option. No, no. The chip should be assumed. It's an insult to the taxpayer.

I love that sort of stuff. LBC phone-in stuff. It's a disgrace, actually. It's a disgrace, actually. It's a disgrace. I was on James O'Brien's podcast this week. Yes. Full disclosure. James O'Brien of LBC phone-in fame. Oh, you talked about getting caned.

I talked about getting caned at school as a kid, which I never talk about. It's because all his listeners think it should come back yeah just okay i didn't mean to bring it up really but uh most of the comments on twitter like terrible terrible um i scroll like a campaign to end violence against children tweeted like going terrible terrible yeah uh but i always bring it i never bring it up because i don't think people would care then i do and people go that's horrible and i go yeah i guess i guess so yeah i mean there's still i think there are still schools in south africa now that do it it's certainly not a problem in africa everyone's

finally yeah hit your kids how else are they going to learn to not do stuff without being sort of smacked around a little bit but in the uk yeah there's such a virulent i think it's also just because the age maybe they've all sort of just retired but like for a lot for the last 10 or 20 years the age of everyone in charge of everything was the last bracket of british people to be hit yeah and it's like national service everyone hated national service in the uk until it stopped right and then each generation that didn't have to do it went oh maybe that's the solution to these to these young people yeah i think people who like want to bring back hanging or whatever kind of the same right yeah they've never they never had to live through living in a society where that happened or mistakes membership of the year is the same thing you know yeah you just

people just kind of want change because they think just change alone will fix something also they're promised that before all this happened, whatever's going on now, it was great before. So they go, well, you know, like scientists, if it was great before, let's replicate the conditions of before. And what they don't realize is that they're being lied to, and it wasn't great before. It's just that nostalgia is a disease that has destroyed our country.

It really is. But I scrolled through the some of the tweets about your thing about being caned and a lot of the most supportive replies were from profile pictures of people with like white beards supportive of saying like yeah terrible all right yeah saying like yeah terrible whereas inevitably the replies that are like i think it's good it will always be from someone who's sort of 50, say. Just missed out on it. Classic boomer stuff. The people who are more obsessed with the Second World War

than people who are actually alive doing it. Yes, yeah, exactly. Yes. I've said this before, either on this or in my life, but if you listen, like I did growing up, because I was very cool, to The Goon Show, the radio comedy in the 50s, all they do is make fun of national service and the

army and like it's a constant joke that the british army officers are like corrupt and cowardly and really and this is in the immediate aftermath of this this is 1955 yeah right so they're still rationing 55 to 60 they're still rationing everyone involved in the show was in the war right right they're all served um so they start going on about how like drill sergeants are sort of like complete you know sadists and perverts and the officers are cowardly and corrupt and ridiculous and this is something i also feel is um about the nhs the most po-faced people about the nhs are people who work tangential to the nhs actual doctors and nurses have a sense of humor about the nhs and they're willing to admit that there's some there are things wrong with it yeah but it's people i remember you know i

perform for like suppliers to the nhs and they were all like oh no no oh it's been very hard but if you actually talk to doctors they wouldn't be like that because they're actually in there again yeah i think that's true i think that's true our friend uh the great comedian garrett millerick had a good routine about that yeah well he said like you're clapping for the doctors and the nurses the receptionist can go fuck themselves was the gist of his routine because he had some terrible experiences with admin staff of the nhs never the actual you know care workers yeah um yeah i think that's right but yeah i mean like and then there was a bunch of episodes of the goon show they were making fun of how there were way too many um war autobiographies like memoirs already by then yeah they were making fun of like oh another general with his

fucking book about my contribution to that was like when spike milligan wrote his autobiography about his time in the war and a bit more generally than that it was called my it's like hitler my part and his downfall that's so funny even though he was like you know like a private or whatever it's really really funny but it was to make fun of that as an idea yeah yeah whereas now everyone is like you say the boomers who were being born in that decade are the most po-faced about it and like maybe national service would solve

these people's problems and it's like your the people who you idolized thought it was a stupid waste of time also you didn't go through it and you never did it

you haven't got a clue what it does yeah plus or minus yeah hmm um speaking of

uh were you talking about naughty people yeah I'm always talking about naughty people? Yeah I'm always talking about naughty people Last time we spoke about Shemima Begum Yes And that night or a couple nights after I had a dream

Where I was like really close mates With Shemima Begum And you know what she was a bloody laugh She was She was She was really good value so maybe we've really judged her too maybe we've misjudged the girl she's literally your dream woman she has chat she she's got chat she's got banter it turns out she's got banter what's funny about this is because it was your dream you're finding yourself funny through this sort of avatar no i'm but your brain made the jokes

happen oh right right right you see what i mean i don't even remember the jokes but i just remember her sort of being quite cheeky really yeah she was cheeky she's cheeky that's what it is pretty fucking cheeky yeah she was good value so i don't know i don't know what everyone's so upset about i would love to see a demonstration about how like There's loads of signs, and some of the signs are about how, like, it is illegal to render someone stateless. And other signs are like, it's our mess, we should clean it up. And then you're there with this big sign with a really serious face on, and the sign just says, what if she's alive?

alive and a big photo of her with a question with a cry laughing emoji question mark what if she's a laugh can we afford to take that risk bantz is at an all-time low. We've got no trade agreements. We're running out of lettuce. Bring banter home. Bring it home. What if she's a laugh? I mean, is there anything more bants than going off and joining ISIS?

I don't think so. Remember that guy who got the photo taken with that bomber on the plane? Sort of considered by banter historians as the the zenith of banter there's a scottish guy um i think it was a flight from glasgow to london or something and a rather deranged man got on and said he had a bomb right and the guy uh a guy the scottish guy went up and asked if he could have a selfie and the guy was like yeah right and he got this photo with the bomb. Do you never see this? Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God. I thought you were going to talk about the Scottish, the Glasgow airport terror attack. He punched a man on fire. He hoofed him in the nuts or something when he was on fire. Because they filled the jeep with what they thought would explode and drove it into, like, the wall of the airport. And it just set them on fire

and the jeep and then they were just running around screaming. Fantastic. And then this guy just went, ah! Left into action and fucking... And he got like an honour from the city or something. Yeah.

He's probably never had to buy a pint again. It's like, if you buy me a beer, I'll tell you about the time I punched a flaming terrorist. Sure. I'm going to look this up I punched a flaming terrorist. Sure. Wait, so it's a selfie, a guy selfie with a terrorist. Scottish bomber selfie.

Man who posed for... Yeah, I'm surprised this passed you by. When was this? It must have been 20... It's an Egypt Air hijacker. Ah. Okay, well, it wasn't his collar then. Oh, he's also been...

He's also... It seems like he's been in trouble For something quite bad three years later Oh shit what the guy Who took the selfie Yeah he did something bad I didn't click on it but it was something to do with public urination Oh

A passenger who took a selfie With a hijacker wearing a suspected suicide belt Said he posed for the photo to get a better look at the device Smart The guy doesn't look like He looks more like a professor than a terrorist Skyjacker wearing a suspected suicide belt said he posed for the photo to get a better look at the device. Smart. The guy doesn't look like a... He looks more like a professor than a terrorist. Yeah, like an old looking guy, right? Yeah.

Yeah. He's a fucking little blue shirt. This guy's dressed like every guy on a stag do. Yeah, look. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Goodness sake. Yeah, he does look like... He was 26.

Wow. He looks like he's at all bar one it looks like he's trying to take a picture with a guy from a fucking hbo series it's like look look he's here yeah but but i've read sort of you know the history of banter and the age of the end the age of banter and the end of the age of banter and you know a moment this is like considered like the the ultimate banter this would be the cover of the textbook of banter and you know a moment this is like considered like the the ultimate banter this would be the cover of the textbook yeah yeah yeah remember when you're a kid and every textbook had like a picture on the cover and yeah the meaning would only become clear the deeper you got into the subject we'd go oh and that's a picture right oh it's a cochlear yeah yeah oh it's that's why the front cover is like a sort of melange of an apple and a tree and like a wheel.

It's physics. Right, right, right. Oh, wow. I figured if his bomb was real, I'd lose nothing anyway. Yeah. Alexandria to Cairo. So it was a domestic flight in Egypt, but the guy was Scottish. Ah, okay.

God, that's fucking mad. But he didn't punch him. He didn't punch him. I think the bomb wasn't real in the end. No. The guy was just a bit crackers. The guy was a bit crackers. He looks a bit crackers.

It's also funny to be like, can I have a selfie? And just be like, well, yeah, of course. I'm now, as of. I'm a fan. And I'm now, as of this instant, a very famous hijacker. So it makes sense that you would want a selfie.

Yeah. Yeah. But at no stage did he think like, I should get this man in a headlock. I'm next to him. But yeah, I guess if the bomb might be real. Yeah.

Or he's got like a dead man grip Dead man trigger? Dead man switch, yeah I wonder what his demands were More bants And he was satisfied Yeah And that's when he took the vest off

He went, well done So he unclipped the vest and then just Opens the door. Gets sucked out. Thunk. Gone. Boom. I must return to my home planet now.

Thunk. Aeros test just really slowly just shuts the door while the air is sucking everything out. I guess we'll just keep flying. Well, let's do some correspondence. Okay. Hello. No one is available to take your call. Please leave a message after the tone. Oh, hello.

I'm just leaving this message as I'm walking to work. I work as a barlard. I work as a barlard. I'm normally one of those ballards that's under the floor, that's inside the pavement, because it's for a road that you're supposed to be able to get through,

mainly, but then sometimes they close it for various reasons, and they press a button, and I slide up from a hole, and they pave in the tarmac, in the asphalt, as the Americans would say. And then I block with my little body, posing in a sort of cone.

I've been smooshed into a cone by the pipe. And then I'm a ballard and I stop various delivery vans from getting in. So basically, I'm calling to say I can't come to play Bridge with you and any of the other various, the board, the board of directors, because I'll be, I'm doing, it's a Bollard day, I forgot. I do shifts, you see. I'm only doing a shift, um, yesterday, today, and then Thursday, uh, another shift. So, I won't be able to make the pie contest, where we see who can make themselves smell the most like pie. Ring rings. Keep the coolest.

Email. Phone calls. Your sister will keep it for you. Correspondence So we got some Some tat here for you Oh great From Danica Danica

Oh manica I'm excited to hear about this Tat Dear sirs I like that Danica. Oh, Manica, I'm excited to hear about this tat. Nice. Dear sirs. I like that. Formal. Respectful. I write to you regarding a piece of tat so perfect for pod buds it's almost unfathomable.

This post from Housekeeping 101 could not be scrolled past without screenshotting and sending to you. Our world's greatest defenders against tat, who are also our world's greatest out-of-home poop enthusiasts. Out-of-home poop enthusiasts? Are home poop enthusiasts are we why out of home public toilets the woods the stories the stories we receive are usually out of home yeah yeah oh i see so it's um okay so let's see if you can guess this. It looks... It sort of... Originally, it says, Home is where the heart is, right? But the heart is has been crossed out. Okay. So instead, it reads,

Home is where... Blank, blank, blank, blank. So heart is is crossed out. Yeah. Home is where... Blank, blank, blank, blank. Home is where... The crossing out...

I keep my poos. The collection? Yeah. No, although it's obviously, it is about pooing. I think I'm, yeah. Home is where... It doesn't work, the crossing out thing, because it's clearly the sign is the size it was supposed to be. size it was supposed to be do you know what i mean yeah i hate that sort of faux i'll scribble this out

yeah yes faux correction um correction home is where blank blank blank is the first word i no but it is of that flavor. Oh, you? Yeah. Oh. Home is where you do your poos. Home is where you poop most comfortably. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought it might be that kind of vibe.

Which I suppose is true. It is. Depends how many people you live with. Yes. If you have lots of flatmates, you probably poop most comfortably at work. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I wouldn't know why you've got... My home is awash with toilets. It has as many toilets as a listener to this podcast might assume we each have. Yeah. So I have an embarrassment of toilets in my home. You have loads of toilets in the same way that like if you were in like Van Halen,

you'd have loads of guitars on the wall and stuff. I just can't stop buying them, you know. Toilets in frames and stuff. Glass frames. Yeah. I only shit in that one at the O2. It's my O2 toilet. Wow.

But I have an en suite. So, I mean, that is the most poop-friendly toilet imaginable. Fortress of Solitude. Yeah. It's great. Yeah. But I try and poop in the other toilets Just so they don't get jealous

Well you gotta keep their Keep their eye in Keep them in the game Yeah I feel like a polygamist Trying to You wouldn't want to not do one for a while And then you shit in it And somehow the shit just flies out

Because the toilet's forgotten just rejects it immediately we have a message from make sure that Matthew not a Matt for once Matthew have you any news for us

he does the subject line is, Posh boys just love to shit. Interesting. It's a new class analysis by Matthew. Let's hear him out. Let's hear him out. Let's hear him out. My dear Piero and Columbine.

Piero and Columbine? I guess Piero and Columbine. What's Piero? I think Piero is like the Comedia dell'arte, the sad clown. Ah. With the white and black. Yeah. And I think Columbine must be who he's in love with.

Oh, he's not talking about the Columbine massacre? No. Okay. I doubt it. Yeah. Was I there? No. Can't have been.

No. I'm guessing here, though. A recently caught up Pistorian here. That's good. here, though. A recently caught up Pistorian here. That's good. Oh, great. Unlike some of these other maniacs, it's taken me months to catch up with the current output. An approach I believe is recommended by physicians.

Yes. Physicians do recommend. Yes, the NHS website recommends that pace. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And mayoclinic.com, which is the other one that will come up if you Google your health issues. Yeah.

And Quora. Quora. which is the other one that will come up if you google your health issues yeah and and uh quora quora where some maniac has misspelled a really serious health question and some other maniac has misspelled an answer webmd also always comes up webmd of course it's so weird to start hearing you talk about things that have happened quite recently your timeline gradually converging with mine has been like the last few minutes of the film dunkirk what how the timelines converge of course minutes hours days right i need to watch it again yeah so good given the military given the militarism and cineastism of the podcast i'm assuming i don't need to explain that reference no cineastism what's that mean oh cinnamon oh right the upshot is that i only just heard

your illuminating but brief discussion about posh boys and their prurient interest in shit don't remember that i don't remember that um it is sort of top bants though isn't it i guess so i guess so maybe we were talking about that lady who went out with that horrible posh guy Oh who I've met We met her at Yeah we met at the theatre Maybe that was the context Anyway

As someone who attended the other place Oxford University Oh but we'll forgive you Matthew This time Don't attend there again. Just don't bring up the boat race and all's forgiven. I don't even know who won the last one. How dare you attend a place they're same as where we went. How dare you go to another very good university.

We should be... Universities should... Places should hate places the most different from them. But this is the... What was it called? Narcissism of small differences. Narcissism of small differences. Yes. Our town sucks, but we're better than the shithole down the road.

Same vibe. Yeah. As someone who attended the other place, I have often found myself rubbing shoulders with the kind of milk-fed rugby boys who apparently miss nanny so badly they remain in Freud's anal stage for the whole of their adult lives. What is Freud's anal stage?

Like anal retention, right? You're obsessed with shit and anal retention. Oh, right. But anal retention is like holding your shit in. Yeah, like exerting control. I did that so much as a kid. I is like holding your shit in yeah like exerting control I did that so much as a kid I was always

holding my shit in oh yeah I remember you did some stand up about it I don't think so I think I've talked about it and how it's because

I just loved play so much and I was kind of scared of the toilet also like yeah the time you spent how things have changed

how things have changed yeah I'm like Batman you're like I've become that which I feared to conquer it the shite

I am vengeance I am the shite I am the shite I am the shite I'm not the shit that you need but I'm the I'm not the shit

that you want but I'm the shit you need right now. But also as a kid, pooing time is not playing time. Exactly, exactly. It's scary, alone, violent time. Yeah, it's true. It's very violent doing that shit for a kid. But that's why I always say that it's funny is that not just because everyone has to do it,

like Alfie Brown, great comedian, great guy, pointed out in his stand-up routine about you must shit but it's also funny because it's the fact of something shooting out of your body that was inside it and is solid it's quite traumatic but it's not just survivable it's compulsory yeah but it's this yeah anyway right i mentioned here two brief examples by way of evidence, says Matthew. Okay. Item, the egg tray. The egg tray. In my first year...

Well, we'll find out. Okay. In my first year at Oxford, I lived in college. My room was at the top of a Gothic tower. Because as you boys know, when you're at Oxford, you get to live in Hogwarts. Mm-hmm. Protected as I was by a steep stone spiral staircase. Lovely. I was rarely visited steep stone spiral staircase. Lovely.

I was rarely visited there, even by my friends, which is fine by me. So imagine my surprise when in the small hours of one Saturday night in first term I was woken by the breathless galumphing of a brace of posh boys just outside my door. Okay. Wow. That's threatening. That's scary. Yeah.

For a few seconds I was terrified I was about to be the victim of a break-in and possible de-bagging. De-bagging? Pull your pants down, I guess. Oh. Okay. Some sort of... I know tea-bagging. That's after. But it soon emerged from their whispered yet full-volume conversation

that they were in fact using my staircase to hide from that bowler-hatted sentinel the night porter oh yes we should say for listeners who are not as privileged as ours the the porters were these guys in bowler hats who tended to be ex-military who are basically just the security guards of the building of the college they're the guys who are in like a little visitor's glass box or office at the entrance and their job is largely to keep an eye on things stop people breaking in and stealing old paintings and also to stop tourists from just

walking in yeah because loads of tourists think it's like a museum they don't realize there's actually students in there living in there they just wander in and so on i remember i don't know if you ever had this but i remember in my like college like bar where people would go and have like paninis in the day. Oh, yeah. Just like a full family just came in and started taking pictures. It was like, could you leave, please? Really?

Yeah. Were they squatted out? Yeah. Good! Everyone was just like, oh, no, you don't really understand where you are. Right, right, right, right. It was very odd. Much to my annoyance, they began to loudly regale one another with a detailed account of their recent crimes.

Oh, no. Why they needed to tell each other about the things they'd both just done together, I do not know. Yeah, I've never understood that. That's funny. Oh, my God, did you see? Yeah, of course he saw. He was there with you. Yeah, I was there.

But it was, to them, hilarious. To me, it was like having to listen to the expository dialogue from a badly written thriller at volume 11. And it made it impossible to get back to sleep. What emerged as I lay there with a pillow clamped over my ear was a depressingly familiar tale of Bullingdon Club-style hijinks. Oh, no. And just as night follows day, their revels had inevitably culminated in a bout of unfettered public shitting,

one of the turds in question, the subject of a heated discussion by this pair of junior David Camerons, had been laid inside an oven that had then been turned to full blast. I hate that so much. In an echo of one of your former correspondent's stories, if you don't remember that. It does ring a bell. Poo oven.

It's a bad smell. Ugh. But the feat that had reduced these meatheads to awe had been committed in one of those big catering trays that holds five dozen eggs, each on their own little cardboard egg cup. Oh, yes. What? It's those big square trays

where it's just like infinite eggs. Well, cardboard. Yeah. Oh, okay, okay, okay. So like basically what you buy eggs in, but like on and on. Well, cardboard. Yeah. Oh, okay, okay, okay. So like basically what you buy eggs in, but like on and on and on. Yeah. Yeah.

In a square. In a square, like a pallet of eggs. Yeah, a pallet of eggs. One of the screaming rah-rahs had evidently tipped out the entire contents of the tray and then dropped his pants and proceeded to lay a single brown egg

of his own into each of the 60 vacated spaces. What? How? That's impressive. That's anal retention. That's control. That's anal retention.

The two harebrained toughs spent what felt like half an hour praising the precision with which their pal had dolloped his leavings like some Bake Off contestant with a piping bag of chocolate ganache. Mr. Whippy. Really good. That is impressive good that is impressive it is impressive how was there so much of it well i mean volume wise it's probably not too much of an ask do you think well i mean we need to see we need to we've got to see how big this palette is 60 eggs 60 eggs yeah no yeah okay that's quite a lot. That is a lot.

Then they fell into a reverential silence. By the time I got to my door to tell them to fuck off, the two had vanished like a pair of ghostly skid marks into the night. Item two, nursing. At my first job, nine to five, after graduating, one of my colleagues was a tweedy young man who had after-work drinks like nothing more than to regale us with tales of his rugby club weekend antics

oh no he became particularly animated when telling us about the forfeits inflicted on him by his teammates after a match when on the field of play he'd transgressed some unwritten code oh yeah he here was someone who loved to be disciplined

and this ostensibly heterosexual man was never happier than when his punishment involved some form of anal violation meted out by the gang of burly men. Yes? The sweet spot for him. Yeah, they are sort of obsessed with... I think that Dave Chappelle has a thing. He had an old routine about... White guys get drunk. They're always putting stuff up each other's assholes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put a carrot in his putting stuff up Each other's assholes Yeah yeah yeah Put a carrot in his butt Yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah Always mess with each other Never pass out around these guys Yeah Yeah

It is some bro thing He was never happier This ostensibly heterosexual man Was never happier Than when his punishment Involved some form of anal violation Meted out by the gang of burly men The sweet spot for him

Was when he transgressed so badly the rest of the team was obliged to call on Nursey. Nursey at Transpired was one of the larger members of the team squeezed into a costume shop nurse's uniform. Oh, this is on the night out. This is just in general. What? He's always

wearing a nurse's uniform? No, no, but he puts it on for the purposes of becoming Nursey. Oh my god. Yeah. What, at the match? No, after. Oh, every time. If something does happen that is bad enough to qualify to activate nursing. Wow. This is a nightmare. This is weird.

Yeah. I know exactly the costume shop nurse uniform that they mean as well. Medical lady. Caring dress woman. Squeezed into a costume shop nurse's uniform and armed with an enema tube. Obtained from Christ knows where. Well, the internet.

I think you can guess the rest, but I still remember with a shudder this Medigimps account of the instant and devastating evacuations that would occur when Nursey went about her business. What? I don't understand guys who find this fun. Yeah. So Matthew's got two questions for us, basically. Yeah. What would be the generic costume shop name

for the horrifying nurse's uniform? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. Colonic Invasion Medic. That's good. Butch Tubular Violator. Are these Matthew's suggestions? Butch tubular violator. Are these Matthew's suggestions? Yeah.

Butch tube violator. Medical bum rinser. Underpaid anal worker. Cross-dressing enema person. If we assuming that it's for a rugby person to wear yeah um two why is it that the scions of our crumbling aristocracy relish these fecal frolics i've lived among these people for much of my life but i have no idea so i was hoping you guys would uh you two bold anthropologists would be able to help us koji matthew um i don't know

really the the truth of the matter is that they never actually aristocracy they're just upper middle class yeah they're never a duke or something but it is it is more right yeah then again is this not just the sort of um white collar version of whenever england was playing during the world cup and there were those people with fireworks in their assholes. Yeah, it's true. Or that guy who, I saw a video of him drinking a pint that had been poured down the exposed

and splayed bum cracks of five men piled on top of each other. I don't want to hear about this. The beer was just running over a bare bum hole. I don't want to hear that the beer was just running over like i don't want to hear that story okay so it seems to just be like a an everyone thing apart from the middle class it's kind of like all all roads lead to rome right all bantrus up a one-upmanship leads to the the anus all roads

lead to brown. I think you're right. Yeah. And I think it's only people who've been raised to be like, good boys in the suburbs who don't do it. I think the blue collar and the white collar, it's like those things where like the working class and the upper class are actually more in tune with each other than the middle class.

Also, I think it comes from a place of of privilege because you know you've had a comfortable life if you had a tough poor upbringing the last thing you're going to do is add horrible experience to it by choice you know i mean yeah only someone who is otherwise very comfortable and all right i don't know though. Soldiers. This is the sort of shit they get up to. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Initiations and all that shit. Interesting. Well, it's proved to be a more complex question than we'd anticipated.

I think bum antics are the same as patriotism. How so? In the UK. You can be patriotic if you're posh or if you're blue collar. Right. Yeah. Those are the two types of people who can own a flag. Yeah, right.

Soldiers and the posh. Yeah, an aristocrat to fly an England flag from his personal cricket ground. Or like a white van guy. Yeah, yeah. And you know what, Matthew? If anything, you're bourgeois. If you're a man of the people you'd be right there sculling a pint from filter 311 bumholes just like those cool football guys

i would love to read like a marxist academic defending like bum antics as like oh like a class indicator proletariat yeah prolapsed satiricatariat And bourgeoisie The bourgeoisie Well thanks Matthew That was a really good email We now have to go to the The never ending Rugby club initiation that is the Patreon

Oh no Okay Something like that Yes Oh we should say our bud pod live yes it's happening 14th of march in london in lesser square theater um we're nearly sold out but there are a few tickets left yeah so do get on lesser square theater bud pod live 14th of march would love to see you there yeah it's it's almost full. It's almost full. Get on it. Get on it.

The last one was so good. It was really fun. Yeah, look forward to it, everyone. And see you there. Yeah, see you patrons on Friday. Everyone else next week. Bye. Bye.