BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 205 - BudPod Live!

Episode Date: March 15, 2023

BudPod Live at the Leicester Square Theatre! Question time, anger clubs, protein shakes, cyclist knife on neck, London experiences: cyclists vs taxis and cunning urchins stealing phones, the Oscars, sketches include: City Roach and Marjorie calling Leicester Council. Correspondence from: Lauren and Guillermo de El Salvador Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, Hotels.com here. Tired of the everyday? We know a hotel that's ready to unwind this weekend. Book hotels with spas in the Hotels.com app. Find your perfect somewhere. It's Bud Pod 205! Bud Pod 205! Bud Pod 205, we are live! Yeah!

What a lucky number to land on for the ride. No one in this room would believe us if we said we'd planned that. And they'd be right not to believe us. Thank you so much for coming. Give it up for all of us. Yes, we did it. We did it. We're live.

We're in London. Every pro-murder podcast said we could never sell out a room this big. Not without coming out as pro-murder. They said big murder was too powerful. Yeah. Netflix pocket a big murder. Why else would they have so many shows about it?

I should say, we should say for the partners. For the people who've been brought here. For the people who've been brought here tonight. We salute you, we do. We are,

because yeah, there's always people who've been brought we under no illusions, we know not 100% of the room wants to be here Yeah There's a dragged contingent for sure

and to those, I just want to say that believe it or not, Budpod is the only explicitly anti-murder podcast in the entire podcast environment, community, and, frankly, it's disgusting. It's disgusting, actually. Yeah.

No other podcast has come out and said they think murder is bad, despite all the pressure that we've put on them. I've always wanted to say it's disgusting on a podcast without having to go on Question Time. Yeah. Because I've been a podcast without having to go on Question Time. Yeah. Because I've been asked if I want to go on Question Time before. Really?

Yeah. What was the topic? I didn't care. It's a no from me. It's always a no. There's nothing to be gained for a comedian going on Question Time. When have you ever said,

oh, I love this comedian, Frankie Dubledoo. Oh, what did you see him on on Question Time. When have you ever said, I love this comedian, Frankie Dubledoo. Oh, what did you see him on? Question Time. Yeah. Oh, I was laughing and laughing. He was just so precise about the Northern Iron Protocol that I thought, I've got to see this guy on tour. He had it all.

Fisheries, quota, statistics. It's just like, it's just, there are some gambles in life that you cannot win. Yeah. And I think Question Time is one of those

if you're a comedian. But you'd have to like, they always film it from like a part of the UK, don't they? Yeah. So he's going, you're joining us here tonight

from Aberdeen or Hull or Cardiff or wherever and you'd have to go there and sit with Nigel Farage, Russell Brand. Yeah.age, Russell Brand, and just like a very sort of meaty-looking,

furious guy with a sort of pinstripe suit. And your job would be to sit in the midst of that and sort of go, not in my house. While a carefully selected audience just boos and boos. Yeah, boos. They're there to boo.

They're there to be furious at you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've got all of the angriest people from the local area. It's the opposite of a comedy gig. Yeah, it's an anger gig. People come to comedy gigs to laugh sometimes. Sometimes, it's an anger gig. People come to comedy gigs to laugh sometimes. But they go to question time to

be angry. Would that be fun or should we start the UK's first anger club? Yeah. Yeah, here we go. Humble beginnings but it's a start. Yeah. Immediate cut forward to like both of us really old

really old boo people's like nails in their seats and then rivers of blood flowing out of the O2 people fighting

in the parking lot and then us really old being interviewed going like that was the first boo that started it all.

UK's first anger club. Yeah. We were discussing before the show when we checked the mics, what would be the most disconcerting pair of drinks? Huel would have been funny. Yeah. Yeah, we thought we just have like two. We never referred to it.

Never referred to it. But we've got two like tubs of Huel. Well, Huel. The trouble is Huel, I think if it was branded, it would be like a funny joke. But the thing that was definitely the most disconcerting would be protein shakes. Yeah, just protein shakes.

Because protein shakes are a very sincere drink. Like we have a fun riff and we're like... And we never mention that we're drinking protein shakes. But those shakers that you see guys with in the gym where the lid is on that plastic loop. So you'd be like, yeah, exactly. There's something very humble about the lid on the plastic loop. It's like, I'm strong, but I can't trust myself

not to lose this little lid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't have muscle memory. Yeah. If only I could do 10 by 10 reps of remembering where my bloody head is. That would be nice, a humble bodybuilder.

A humble bodybuilder. A humble bodybuilder. That's a good character. Would that be a good wrestling character? And me, just a humble bodybuilder. A wrestler? Yeah, when he enters the ring, he has a flat cap on and he takes it off and he scrunches it a little bit against his chest.

Please, sir, I know a suplex or two. Very well. And the royal sceptical, even though he's massive. Well, thank you all so much for coming to Bud Pod Live 2. How exciting. In the Leicester Square Theatre. Yeah. This is...

We've broken tonight. They're very exciting. We've broken the record, the Guinness World Record tonight, for most pod buds in a single area. Yeah. In a single room. They said it couldn't be done. They said it shouldn't be done. But we did it. Yeah. A couple of room. They said it couldn't be done. They said it shouldn't be done.

Mm-hmm. But we did it. Yeah. Couple of gaps from people who probably have diarrhea. Yeah. Given the sort of messages we get sent.

We'll pour some protein shake on the floor in their memory. I had a good London experience on the way here tonight just walking along. Did you? I had a negative one. We'll do here tonight, just walking along. Did you? I had a negative one.

We'll do a switcheroo. I guess mine was technically negative, but it was like in a fun London way. Oh, so you had like a typical... Yeah, it was classic cast of characters, black cab, nearly ran over a cyclist, cyclist went fucking apeshit. Oh, oh.

Like in a bad movie where you're supposed to know I'm in London. Yeah, it's exactly like, hey, buddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or mate. And he actually slapped the back of the cab like that. Hey, hey. Because the cab was turning into, hey, like that. And then the cab stopped.

And then through the window. And then another cyclist who had nothing to do with the incident. Yeah, but it's like gang colours. You have to get involved. He just pulled up next to the other cyclist, and just started shouting into the window. It's like, this has nothing to do with you, buddy. Cyclists are like gang, like, you fuck with one of us,

you fuck with all of us. But yeah, and I'm sort of, I'm in two minds about cyclists. I mean, this is common ground for observational material, but cyclists and drivers. And I have sympathy for both sides of this fight, right? Because on the cyclist's side, they're doing the right thing. They're cutting down on carbon emissions. They're traveling around.

They're getting good exercise. This is good for everybody. And they are a danger. But on the cabbie's side, they never signed up to preserve such a fragile life on the road. Because essentially what cyclists are on the road is like, imagine as a pedestrian you're walking around. And some pedestrians just have a kitchen knife up to their throat like this. And they're just walking around, just walking around with you.

And then if you slightly bump into them, go, fucking hell, man! I nearly cut my throat open! A big vase of acid. Yeah. Hey! And you kind of go, oh, sorry, but like, why? I didn't ask you to carry the knife around

and press it up against your throat. Yeah. It seems a bit unfair to me, a little bit unfair to me. You shouldn't be, you should be in a different thing, a lane just for people carrying knives like that. Yeah. They should build a knife pedestrian lane. Knife lane.

They're very good. In Amsterdam, there's a knife walking lane, and it's really good. The knife lane is often separated from cars and other pedestrians by a row of parked vehicles. So you can walk around with a knife to your throat in peace. Just how I like it. Yeah.

Working on just your neck's tan. Sort of reflecting the sun through this butcher knife. So that was my fun London experience. That's good. Yeah, that was a good London experience. That's a classic London experience. That's like my first big day in London. What was your London experience?

I saw one of those people who try and steal your phone with a fake map. Huh? I also gasp. I also gasp. Yeah. I'd not heard of this scam. Have you not seen this in action? No.

Beware all you hay-strewn rubes who've come into London for this. On the turnip cart? There's a lot of cunning schemes from the urchins of London. An urchin came into the Pret-a-Manger. And what they do is they sort of mumble inaudibly and cover your phone resting on the table

with a kind of map of gibberish and sort of point to the map going, and you're supposed to go, I don't know what you even want. And then by the time you've sort of banished them or slash help them, depending on what they're reacting to your input, you know, I thought,

Oh, thank you. Or like this, but they like pretend to almost be like high. And then the one hand is stealing the phone from under the map while you're looking at it or the sign that says, please buy these mad packs of tissues or whatever the scam is. Do they grab the map in such a way that it scoops up your phone? They reach it away.

So they're standing here. This is no good for anyone listening. But if they're here and you're to their right, they're pointing at the map and then their left hand is going underneath the big unfolded map. To take it while you're looking. So they leave in one fluid motion and by the time you realise they're already, they fucking

Jason Bourne-ed it into the street. And you saw this happen? I saw this almost happen to a lady in the Pret-a-Manger, but she was wise to it. No hay in her hair. saw this almost happen to a lady in the Pret-a-Manger, but she was wise to it. Oh! No hay in her hair. She was tapping away on her laptop, and her phone was next

to the laptop, and as the person put the map on the thing, she immediately went and specifically took her phone out from under it. Yeah. Which stopped me from having to stop and go, that urchin wants your telephone! And I managed to keep my monocle in my eye and I didn't have to dirty my spats kicking the urchin to death.

For being a thief, you know. Like in London. That was good. That's a punishment in London. That's a punishment in London. And this lady, once you'd taken the phone away, did she sort of play along with the ruse? No, she was wise to it from day dot.

Right. The very first second she saw the urchin, she knew. That's not a map to anywhere. Was the would-be scammer, were they a child, urchin age, or... Were they of urchin age? They were eerily small if they weren't young. But they were sort of...

You know when someone's wearing a hoodie, but they've got a jacket over the hoodie, but the hood's up? Right, okay. They were quite concealed. They had lots of weird layering. I mean, that's kind of giving the game away already, isn't it? Someone below the age of 60 with a physical map. Yeah.

Oh, look at this 14-year-old in their A to Z. Their ordnance. This 14-year-old has an A to Z that's visibly bleached from the sun. So it must be like 20 years old, and it's been folded a thousand times and it's a furry with use. Do you know the fact about the ATZ maps, how they can prove that a map is theirs,

like intellectual property-wise? Eh? They put in fake streets. No. They put in a couple of fake, cul-de-sacs of fake streets that don't exist. And then if someone copies it... They can go...

You fell for it. You fell for it. Yeah, Rube Street doesn't exist. Yeah, that's right. Fictional alley isn't real. And they wouldn't know because they're already in the dark because they're having to copy maps.

Exactly. I like this a lot. Maybe that's what the urchin was asking. Is this real? I'm having to copy maps. Exactly. I like this a lot. Maybe that's what the urchin was asking. Is this real? I'm trying to publish maps, but I have no resources. Get out of here, you! When will my street map business be given a break by this cruel town? I was only trying to brush her phone out of the way of my great map.

Maybe that's what it was. What a cruel town. Well, nothing. It is. People don't say hi. People don't say hi in this. Do you know any of your neighbors? You do know your neighbors.

I do know my neighbors. I don't know a single neighbor. I'm delighted about it. I live in a muse. Yeah, you do. Yeah, a muse is a cold sack. Form a stable? Is that what a muse is?

Is it? Maybe. Oh, I did not know that. Yeah. I've made a terrible mistake. But because we're kind of all trapped in together, seven houses just trapped in together, we all know each other. It's like some desert island rules. Yeah, kind of all trapped in together. Seven houses, you're trapped in together. We all know each other.

It's like some desert island rules. Yeah, kind of. You have to chat. Yeah, we sort of share provisions and advice. Yes. And partners. Yeah, you don't know a single... But you live in a flat building.

I live in a block of flats. Not a flat building. I live in a flat building. I live in a block of flats. Not a flat building. I live in a flat building. Like a woodlouse. You live under a sort of big slab. You live in an old machine gun. You live in an old machine gun. It's a pillbox turret, don't you?

That would suit me, I'd say. Yeah. If you said... I should be more upset about how many people that we know, where if you said to them, you know Pierre lives in a bunker? They'd go, yeah, okay. At no point would they go, no, what? They'd go, oh, okay.

They wouldn't even ask if it had been refurbished. They'd be like, right, like done up though, like a house. They'd be like, no, either way. Yeah, that sounds about right. It also sounds about time for our first sketch. First sketch, live, either way. Yeah, that sounds about right. It also sounds about time for our first sketch. First sketch, live sketch, okay. The only time we acknowledge the existence

of these sketches. Yeah, we said that at the first Budpod Live where we hadn't realised before, but at no point in the recordings had we ever gone, oh, by the way, there'll be some fucking mad shit in the middle of this for no reason and we'll never reference it. Genuinely, over 200 episodes, for no reason and we'll never reference it. Genuinely,

over 200 episodes, hadn't realized that we'd never... Yeah. Pretty weird in hindsight. Anyway, all right. Let's try and do,

let's do the first sketch. Oh. Not this. Hello. No one is available to take your call. Please leave a message. Oh, hello.

Is that Leicester Council? It's Marjorie here. I'm out of breath. I've been running. I'm calling you about something I saw in Leicester Square I assume that you're the people to speak to in Leicester Council Leicester Square is like an embassy It's legally the property of Leicester

I saw one of your breakdancing employees He was outside the M&M world And he was dancing on a piece of cardboard And people were clapping but he didn't initially he spun he spun in a way that a human shouldn't move but then instead of, I thought he was building up to spin on his head but then he just lay flat

and pulled off his legs and then his arms and then his head and was just on the cardboard as a just pieces of a body and then the music stopped and everyone put money in a box and i've never been so frightened in my life and i ran all the way past the tiny odeon near the bigodeon and i ran past one of the prets all the way to the next pret and passed the Forrest Gump restaurant to get to the last payphone in London to call you.

So I just thought you should know that one of your breakdancing employees in Leicester Square has done some sort of terrible foul magic with his body. And a little boy threw up, but I also, I don't know if it was connected. Anyway, I've got to go. I'm going to try and figure out how to get inside

the five guys near the cinema to see if I can get some of the free peanuts. I don't eat peanuts. I need the shells for a project. Okay, goodbye. Hey! There you go. I need the shells for a project.

That's the sort of thing I would do as a kid is collect mad shit for a project that never materialised. You know, I'm so glad you guys are here tonight because usually when Pierre records a marjorie he does the whole thing looking me directly in the eye. And I don't know where to look.

Because I can't say anything. Phil just sees my eyes desperately searching for the next line in his eyes. There must be a horrible... to think that I'm plucking these threads from you somehow and you're to blame. But yeah, she saw a breakdancer and he pulled his whole body apart. And she sprinted away.

These horrible things always happen around Marjorie and they're never directly her fault. But she is the common denominator. They only seem to happen when she's around. She's like our friend Jason. Right, yeah. Funny and weird things

happen to and around him all the time. Yeah, he's sort of blessed in that way, or kind of cursed. Some people attract mad events, I think. And I think Marjorie's like that. I mean, well, at some point she said, I'm not afraid of spiders because I used to be one. She's a sort of shapeless ghoul, really, I think. It's all canon, though. It's all canon.

It's all canon. Everything Marjorie says is automatically canon. It's all canon. She was trapped in the Ikea. In the last Bud Point Live, she fused with a pie on a subatomic level. Very rich lore. We just need someone ill enough to write it all down in one Wikipedia article. Imagine.

I think that's the sound of one person tonight taking that on. Maybe when they get home. The same person who in about five years will mow us both down. In the lobby of a hotel. So they can become us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anti-murder, eh? As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors,

like high blood pressure developed during pregnancy, which can put us two times more at risk of heart disease or stroke. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca. Speaking of great female performances... Yes. Yes. Marjorie was nominated for Best Answering Machine Messages at the Oscars. My fellow countrywoman, Michelle Yeoh, won Best Actress at the Oscars.

But she's from West Malaysia. When will East Malaysian representation... It's disgusting, actually, that an East Malaysian hasn't won an Oscar yet. But she's the first Asian woman ever to win an Oscar. Yeah, and at 60. At 60, yeah, man. Pretty cool. Really cool stuff. Have you seen the movie

Everything Everywhere All at Once? I went to go see Everything Everywhere All at Once without having a single fucking clue what genre it was. Genuinely didn't even know it was supposed to be sci-fi. You just said, it's great and it's full of Chinese people. And that was enough for me.

You could describe a lot of things. My girlfriend and I went to... Yeah? That's how you recommend almost everything to me. Yeah. Pierre, you've got to go to Taiwan. You've got to eat at this restaurant. My girlfriend and I went to go see it

and I think I convinced her to go see it. So she was even one remove away from your completely vague recommendation. Just sitting there and as I was starting off, I was like, oh, I get it. It's a kind of like immigrant family drama, like the daughter is sort of

not adhering to traditional values. There's a clash there. They own a business. The business is in trouble. What the fuck is happening? Ah! And then it turned into this insane sci-fi interdimensional thing. Initially, I was like, well, she's clearly hallucinating and become insane.

And then after like 15 minutes of, no, no, there's dimensions. I was like, I think this is the film. I think this is what it's supposed to be. It melted my head off. I loved it. It was great. I think if I'd read about it in advance, though, I'd have be. It melted my head off. I loved it. It was great. I think if I'd read about it in advance, though, I'd have no idea what my reaction would have been,

but it was great. No, yeah. Hey, guys, did you know that that movie that won seven Oscars was good? I think it was good, actually. In Malaysia, there were requests for... So when this happened, Malaysia, like the national sport of Malaysia

is public holidays. Malaysia will announce suddenly a public holiday tomorrow. Really? If like someone wins at the badminton or if like a bridge has been built ahead of schedule or Malaysians will just, they're like, chuti, chuti means like a holiday. So it just means chuti, it means you get a holiday because Malaysia's proud of something. And Michelle Yeoh won an Oscar and everyone in Malaysia went,

yeah, chuti. Chuti. And the government had to discuss it for a bit if they were going to have a day off. And they didn't. They decided not. Whoa! Come on!

Because when we won silver at Badminton, there was a day off. And so Michelle Yeoh becomes the first Asian woman to ever win Best Actress. Is that the stereotypical thing of, Badminton is good achievement, like engineering, like building a bridge, but the arts

we can't endorse this I don't, I reckon because you know at the government level it is still quite socially conservative and there's always a woman in the arts? Well not just that the daughter character no Chudy

the daughter is gay in the movie minus one Chudy, for you. The daughter is gay in the movie. Even less. One minus one, Chudy, for that. Yeah. Everyone had to work night shifts. Yeah. Yeah. That would be great if the government punished the population.

Want to work a night shift there shouldn't have been a gay daughter in that film he's right we can only blame ourselves that must be it I bet that was it I love that there's a national way that the whole country can just go

can we just not fucking work tomorrow all the time. It would make a lot more sense if the UK had that, considering the relationship between celebrating and alcohol here. For hangovers. What do you mean? Oh, of course. It would be a great thing to be, if you win a sporting tournament,

it would just be like, hangover day? Like the government would just go, we're all going to be hungover tomorrow. That would make more sense. I mean, it's mad how allergic we are to... I mean, we're okay for public holidays here. Something royal has to happen, pretty much. Yeah.

But I think America has the fewest days off of any country. Germany is quite bad for it. It's like six or something in America. It's insane. My uncle lived in America. They work on Boxing Day. No, thank you.

That sounds like a dream to me. Yeah, have you ever considered this? The American Nightmare? Makes you think, doesn't it? It did make me think. I won't say what it made me think, but it made me think. The American

Nightmare? That's good. That would be like the cover of Time. And it would be the Statue of Liberty asleep. And then a big thought bubble with Donald Trump in it. Ooh! Ooh!

Good time. The rule with political cartoons is the more labels your political cartoon needs, the shitter it is. Stop labelling it. The rule with political cartoons is the more labels your political cartoon needs, the shitter it is. Yeah. Stop labelling it. The economy. Yeah, labelling a storm cloud the economy. Show, don't tell.

Show, don't tell. Who looks at those and goes, um, yeah, yeah, fair enough, actually. I hadn't thought how to express it until I saw that picture, but the economy is like a big storm. And the rain is money. And we want to get wet

from the money rain. Good, I'm glad I bought The Economist. Did you watch the Oscars at all? Do you ever watch the Oscars? No, no. I can't stand that sort of thing. Yeah. Big festival of sincerity.

I wrote a joke for last year's Oscars. Yeah? A joke of mine, I wrote a joke for Amy Schumer to tell, and she told it. It was about King Richard, that movie, with Will Smith playing the father of Serena and Venus Williams. Yeah. And it's about King Richard, that movie, with Will Smith playing the father of Serena and Venus

Williams. And it's about him teaching his girls how to become these great stars. And the joke I wrote was amazing, isn't it? After years of Hollywood ignoring women's stories, this year we finally got a movie about the incredible Williams sisters' dad.

And then it cuts to Will Smith going, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Yeah. This is pre-slap. That would have been insane if that was post-slap. He's just laughing again.

He's over it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Forgotten already. Just a red palm. He's laughing and he slaps his thigh and he's like, oh. Oh, I forgot I used that already. But even then I didn't watch the

Oscars. Your own joke was making Will Smith laugh. I'll wait for the clip. I don't know where to watch it. Where do you watch it? My putlocker days are behind me. Okay?

I don't have the energy. I don't have the energy to click the right tiny X on all those pop-ups. I don't have half an hour to find the right mirror. Mirror? What's a mirror? Some technology word. Do you mind if I want to watch it from the Netherlands

or from Malta? Why is it there? Why do they have it? Some technology words are quite wizardy. The Maltese mirror. I scryed the Oscars through the Maltese mirror.

Big laugh from our friend Jeff there for the word scryed, I think. I think that was Jeff. Yeah, scrying. I would never watch. Why would you watch it? I can't watch millionaires give each other standing ovations. And statues made of gold.

Gold statues. And people at home who can't pay the energy bills are going, I'm happy for them. Yeah. They really deserve that. They've had a tough time. It's nice to see Spielberg letting his hair down and

cutting loose. Some of these millionaires haven't achieved the adulation they deserved. Yeah. I wouldn't want these guys whose job is the best job to not be clapped enough. That would make me sad

because I have my priorities upside down. Well, now it's time for, well, speaking of fantastic, Oscar-worthy performances, we've got another sketch now. This is your request, I will say. This is my personal request. It's of a character that came up once.

Sorry, partners. Over like 50 episodes ago. Sorry, people who've come. I thought this was going to be a recurring character. I love this character so much. And we never did him again. And it's City Roach. Okay. We have's City Roach. Which,

Okay. We have some City Roach. I was a little skeptical when, Loyalist. I said, what's the case you want to fill immediately went City Roach. Deep cuts.

I loved City Roach, I don't know why we didn't. Okay. For those who don't know, City Roach, I mean, it's very much what it says on the tin. City Roach is a cockroach. I don't think you can say that about City Roach.

Of course, okay. That's what he says. I don't even need to explain. Of course. He's a cockroach that lives in the big city. Also, he's sentient and he can speak. Yeah, he's like a little businessman with a trilby and a briefcase. Yeah.

And it came up because we were discussing how in I think in Kota Kinabalu but I was saying in Durban there's just like cockroaches on the pavement and stuff oh yeah City Roach versus like Country Bumpkin Roach yeah yeah yeah Country Roach gets his phone stolen all the time by urchins City Roach is wise

history wise and he's got like a good job in the city pretty close to Gollum 9 to 5 or whatever that other one was. Oh, fuck, yeah. What was it? Office Gollum? Let's not get into more deep cuts.

Anyway, yeah. Sometimes looking at the descriptions of old episodes, I feel like I've hit my head at some point. What? Anyway. All right, let's try and do City Roach live, which is going to be tough.

This might be a disaster. Boy, I can't wait to start my first... No, keep it going. Keep it quite loud. Keep it quite loud. Boy, I can't wait to start my first ever vacation here in the great city of London. Oh, my God.

Is that cockroach just come off that plane? Nice to be here too. Don't worry, I was warned about your sense of humor. Oh no. He's American. Well, for once it's nice to be recognized as an American instead of just a cockroach. So thank you very much, ma'am.

You have a nice day. Flowers, get your flowers. Flower for the lady sir. Oh my God. You're a You're an horse and coach. A horse and what? You must have some pretty big roaches here in London, sir, if you think I'm a horse. Bing bong. Bing bong.

Well, if that's the dinner bell, I can't wait to scuttle over the leftovers. Well, well, well, what's all this then? I've heard there's a cockroach down here, a yank. I've heard tell there's a yank cockroach around these parts been stirring up trouble. You would happen to know something about that, would you, my lad?

Oh, no, sir. None of you are one of those cockerny gangsters I've been warned about. I'm a Canadian, a Canadian roach. That's what I was told to say. I'm a copper. Wasn't that clear in my characterization? Oh, I was told to say. I'm a copper! Wasn't that clear in my characterisation? Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I thought by your uniform you were some kind of Victorian clown.

Alright, well, don't let it happen again. Boy, I'm sure I'm having a rough first five minutes here in London. All aboard the double-decker bus, Pride of London. Do you have your ticket, sir? Well, no, frankly, I was planning to scuttle beneath your notice. Oh, I've been around the block enough to not let that happen. You're not my first speaking cockroach. There we go.

Come aboard. And here's a tip. Get to the top and sit on the front. All right. There we go. Oh, that's... I love City Roach. That was nice.

What's funny, I just realised, is that I love City Roach, but I don't play City Roach. Yeah. I've come in saying, let's do City Roach, and then you have to do City Roach. That was another reason I was like, yeah. Okay.

I'll try and think what City Roach would say to people who are only in your mind. So I had to go, I went for gangster over policeman because I just thought, it could be either way here. I like horse and coach for Roach though.

Confusing though because you go, there was a horse in the bathroom. I hope Cedar Ridge has a fun time in London. Yeah. He'd love the London Dungeons. He'd love the London Dungeons. That's where his cousins are who he's visiting. Ripley's Believe It or Not.

Well, Believe It or Not, we have to do some correspondence. Yes. Yes. Let us play the correspondence jingle, please. Yes. Correspondence. Hooray. Okay.

And if you're a regular listener, you know we're on our way to being up. Officially, we're forcibly up to date. And now we're going through the back catalogue. So this is from Lauren. Lauren. Lauren. I love... We love scoring.

Scoring. Scoring some great correspondence. That's good. Dear... Dear... Pie. P-H-P-I. P-H-P-I. Pie. Okay. One of the less known Greek

letters. Pie. Yeah. Pie. I'm sure you'll agree one of the best shows on Channel 4 is Come Dine With Me. Yours sincerely, Lauren. No, that's not it. I love that as an opening. Alongside the terrible noughties decor,

it is a complete goldmine for tat. Yes. I'm currently watching an episode with One House that featured all of the below crimes and I had to share it with you both. I like below crimes. And I had to share it with you both. I like below crimes. Murder in a sewer. That's a real below crime.

Crimes of the below. Not like an above crime. So here's some tant. You can whisper. I'll try and whisper. We haven't done a live whispering. Yes, this is the first live whispering. I think someone went, ooh.

Oh, I think maybe they're doing the didgeridoo. Oh, yeah, yeah. But prematurely, prematurely. And please, I must maybe they're doing the didgeridoo. Oh, yeah, yeah. But prematurely, prematurely. And please, I must earn it. Please. Life is better when you're what? How many blanks? Just one blank.

Oh, God. Life is better when you're drunk? No, but I know that's a fair guess. Life is better when you're fabulous. Ooh, okay. Yeah, another good guess, but it's simpler than that. It's very, it's classic. It's a verb.

Life is better when you're singing, dancing. Ooh, what else is there that's good? Life is better when you're drinking. No, it's one of the verbs that is on the crowning triple verb of tan. Oh, life is better when you're laughing. Yes. I get half an ooh. I. I get half an O. I think I get half an O.

Yeah, a little oi. Sounds like I just stood on your toes. Oi. Yeah. Rule one, I'm always blank. Rule two, if I'm blank, look at rule one. One, I'm always right. And rule two is, if I'm wrong, look at rule one.

He's done it. He's done it. He's done it. This one I'm just going to say because it's mental. I'm not perfect, but I'm so close it scares me. I don't like that because it's kind of like mixing personalities. I'm not perfect, but I'm so close it scares me. There's something kind of humble about it. It scares me.

I'm afraid of how good I am. But it's a cutesy kind of... It's like a different person from the person who's saying I'm brilliant. I'm basically perfect, but also... Oh. Yeah, you're right. It's humble and the sort of thing

Ted Bundy would say. Okay. I don't know if you could whisper this. We'll try. It's another mental one. Sometimes, on the way to the blank, we get lost and find a better one.

I've only blanked out one word there because otherwise, what the hell are you going to... Sometimes on the way to the bank. It's the sort of thing people say as they're getting put under surgery. Like anesthetic. Sometimes... It's just gibberish.

Sometimes on the way to the blank, we get lost and find a better one. It's not rainbow, is it? You're in the right ballpark with rainbow, my friend. Sometimes on the way to the... It's even vaguer than rainbow. Light? No, you can't find a better light?

Sometimes on the way to the vaguer than rainbow. Destination? No, vague, like what is a kind of floofy word for your goal? Dream. Yeah! Sometimes on the way to the dream we get lost and find a better one. But what they're saying there isn't that they pursue one dream and then achieve another.

They pursue one dream and then achieve another. They pursue one dream and then just acquire a different, presumably equally impossible dream. Yeah. Yeah, I wanted to be a famous actor, but I'm a famous singer. Different dream. It's mental. On your way to the dream.

And the other one, Lauren says, finally one that doesn't even make sense. The best things in life aren't things. The best things in life aren't things. What that is supposed to say is the best things in life aren't objects. Yes. But then it's not clever.

So... There's a great Coco Chanel quote I love which is I love Hitler is it I love Hitler and I think he's good for France because she did say that probably when she was fucking members of the SS it's a good thing that she's not alive or I would be sued into the poorhouse

for that kind of thing it was the less inflammatory the best things in life are free but the second best things are very expensive Heil Hitler. There's a good Spike Milligan one which is all I seek is the chance to prove that money doesn't bring you happiness. She's good.

So this is, I'm going to have to, I'll abridge this a little bit, but we have a next email from Guillermo. Del Toro. My lips are sealed. It's not. Got a rhyme for Guillermo? Oh, Guillermo.

Ooh, wow, that's not easy. Guillermo, Pierre knows what you're about to say. That's good, wow. Thank you. He pulled it out good He pulled it out Hey Fier and Pill Fier and Pill I'm a big fan

and I was born and raised in El Salvador No way Home of the mega prison El local de mega carcel. For any people who have been brought, I'm obsessed with a newly built mega prison.

In El Salvador. In El Salvador. The place is going to house 40,000 prisoners. In one prison. I'm obsessed. is going to house 40,000 inmates in one prison. I'm obsessed. And I'm so glad we have

someone from El Salvador. So great. A Salvadorian. Oh my God, I'm so excited. I'm a big fan. I was born and raised in El Salvador. So you can imagine how my mind was blown when I heard of Phil's interest in the mega prison. I grew up in Soyopango, and I can confirm that the situation was dire.

Wow. It's quite grim, to be fair. I saw way too many dead bodies to the point where it was normal. Wow. This is the thing with the mega prison. It's not all laughs in the mega prison. You just follow a link for an example. I'm not clicking the link here. I'm not.

You can't trick me with click this link to see a dead body. You all have to get up a little earlier in the deer to trick me. The reason why innocent people might be taken to the mega prison is because the decision of who is in a gang is just left to the police. Oh, far. Although, to be fair, the guys from the footage you showed me all had massive gang tattoos on their backs, so that's a pretty good...

You don't slip and fall onto a massive gang tattoo. Unless you see some unconvincing ones and then a guard with a sharpie. Yeah. This one, it rains and they all just wash off. We have a big problem down in the Megaprism. The reason it's still supported by an astounding majority is everyone is just tired

of all the gangs. I remember as a kid, I still knew getting mugged was a daily possibility. This is a thing that people I know in South Africa do. You carry two mobile phones, a throwaway,

like a dummy phone. People do that in Joburg, and a real one in my sock. So you had a burner like you were in The Wire as a kid. If you live somewhere like El Salvador,

every day is The Wire. Yeah. And kind of Joburg but not really at this point. Actually, yeah. I think I mentioned on the podcast El Salvador was always like

El Salvador and Rio de Janeiro, the city, were always Johannesburg's competitors for most murders. You can see now you've learned more about my childhood. Why? I'm so anti-murder now.

And was that when you first developed your aversion to murder? Yes, yes. Very young, very young. On the humoristic side of the story, though, gracias, Guillermo, the current joke going around is this will become a safari place

for the rich and decadent, where you can go in and hunt some of the inmates. Wow. It's a funny joke. It's a good joke. It's a good joke. I love the El Salvador in San Sino. Yeah.

He says, safari la campanera. What does that mean? I guess inmate safari. Wow. Yeah, proper Squid Game stuff. Does anyone here habla espanol? Si. Si. What's camp Squid Game stuff. Does anyone here habla espanol? Si. Si.

What's campanera or campanera? Please show your rider. Inmate. Nice. Thank you. Well done. Spanish whispering.

Spanish whispering. I think this means inmate. Much riskier. And instead of the digi-do you get like a tickety-dang. Tickety-dang. Yeah, that's good.

Or sort of pan pipes depending on where you are. If you're in Peru. If you're still interested, I'm happy to tell you more. Just let me know. I've now relocated to Europe, but I'm always connected with my family and friends back in El Salvador and following the news. I also have a poo story, but I'll leave that for another time.

Koji Guillermo, private note, attached is a picture of my passport to back up the authenticity of my email. Wow, we believe you. We believe you, man. You don't need to be sending us personal information. Please don't share the details.

If you read this on the podcast. Thanks, Guillermo. That is a passport number. Just in case there are any other sleuths out there who want to make sure this guy is not some kind of fake El Salvadorian. Wait a minute, I know that passport number. This guy's Nicaraguan. Any Patreon subscribers,

we will read out the issuing authority in the bonus part. You're going to have to subscribe to the Patreon if you want to steal Guillermo's identity. Well, so the plan now, we have an interval now, but then after the interval, you guys are going to come back for the first ever live Patreon VIP zone. Bonus pod.

Yeah. We're doing a live bonus pod. Can it be done? Live bonus pod. Can it be done? Yes. You've got a break to go to the bathroom and get a drink and all that. Yeah.

But we'll see you. How long is the break? Let's call it 15 minutes. Let's call it 15 minutes. Yes. 15 minutes. 15, 20 minutes. But, and to all listeners, we'll see you in the Patreon

or if not then not yeah and we'll see you next week bye and have a good break have a good break

thank you guys