BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 206 - Horse Hugs

Episode Date: March 22, 2023

Wang and Novellie chat insane online ads, banking crisis, Whoopie Goldberg's repulsive home, sketch is Plum Foundation nail clippers, would you be able to travel Hitler-killing horse, correspondence from Andy and his mysterious sweet shop. Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 206. 206. I... We're in the shits. We're in the shits. We're in the shits. I don't know. We're in the shits.

I've just been reading about a possible another financial crisis. Oh, good. Which is the last thing I crisis. Oh, good. Which is the last thing I need. Oh, good, I say. Yeah. I don't know, man. I don't understand. I thought we already were in a financial crisis.

Can you have another? What I don't like is that there's all these people who say things like, no, you know, in a way we are due for another downturn. And it's like, we haven't gone up. Yeah, we've been in a downturn since 2008. Yeah, you want to say like, don't we get a little slice of up? Don't we get some up?

No. With our down? Well, some of the countries who haven't had Brexit have enjoyed some up. Yes. But we wanted to make sure we got no up at all. Yeah, because this Silicon Valley bank in the u.s went under because surprise surprise a lot of the tech money in the states was tied up in crypto which surprise surprise wasn't a great idea i was saying this from the fucking beginning man i was fucking

crypto cassandra from the very start ever since i i dabbled in crypto and made the 35 pounds i've gone this thing isn't worth it and because of fucking crypto now the rest of us have to suffer potentially because now this swiss bank credit suisse had to be bailed out yeah and who knows what they were investing they seem have had a scandal like every year. Missing Picassos. Yeah, exactly. People's missing artworks. They seem to have had a scandal every year

for like 10 years. So they were on the uppers. But they're like 160 years old. But all the banks that disappear are either very new or very old. And it feels like you should only trust a bank that's between like 20 years old and 100 years old. Because either it's so new it just explodes or it's been around for so long that everyone at the top level has been mental for like seven generations yeah i think

that's right yeah i think that's a good point the um the other thing i don't like about silicon valley bank is that it's like a weird crypto bank thing and that to me shows you that these crypto bros are always really sincere about crypto being a good idea because the whole time i didn't think they were storing it in crypto i thought they were making it and then storing it in real money and they were like no why would i why would i run out of the bank with my loot when i can keep it somewhere really smart like the bank and it's like no but then when i can just keep it in the toilet and dangle my fingers over the flush it's fun to dangle your fingers over the floor i'm gonna keep all this all these cotton-based u.s

dollar wads next to the rat farm and the termite factory and i and but that all of this i don't mind but you're right the problem is that we're hostages to these fuckers and they just do something wacky like it'd get really into crypto and lose all their money and then the rest of us and then now we have to pay ketchup it doesn't seem it doesn't seem right man oh man um i don't know i i think the most surprising part of it is i am now at a part of my life where i worry about financial news yeah i'll read the business this business segment of bbc go, oh no, what does this mean for my eyesight? You know, it's not very sexy anymore I don't feel very sexy caring about Credit Suisse No, it's not sexy at all

It's very much like Getty Images stock image man frowning at envelope You know It's very like your ears actually perking up when an advert comes worried about your mortgage and you have to start doing that or being interested in at least i'm not at the stage where i'm interested in one of those pop-ups that say people born before 1976 who bought pet insurance during the 90s have to read this and there's a guy holding up his driver's license or a UK passport

frowning with the fewest pixels I've seen in an image that wasn't from a fucking Mario game those pop-ups are insane people who bought funeral plans over the age of 50 in the UK must read this

oh man what is it gonna be what what what what gold mine are these old fucks sitting on unwittingly yeah do they think it's

is it a scam when they're trying to make you think it's something like PPI where you are due for some compensation yeah it feels like that sandpiper like yeah you're you're owed some just like uh medical soul sandpiper you know they right i they they like to say that the millennials and gen zeds are entitled but they all apparently think

they're entitled to some mystery reimbursement yeah that they weren't even aware of yes exactly they they they're easily convinced that there's just some more free money available out there to some mystery reimbursement that they weren't even aware of. Yes, exactly. They're easily convinced that there's just some more free money available out there somewhere. It's like, hey, you know how you've always had free money, basically? Yeah. Well, someone could be holding back on some free money. Well, I'm clicking this. You know how you had free university and were able to buy your council house,

and even if it wasn't a council house you got it for 10 10 pounds and you know how you're able to write off your mortgage repayments um for tax well we think you're due a little bonus yes i am we think you're due something back at last for your many years of sitting around in your house. Yeah, we think you've labored long enough buying your massive house for three years salary and fully paying it off. Yeah, exactly. I like those insane ads at the bottom of websites

because I would love to know who pays for them and who designed them because someone had to sit and graphic design them. They weren't just born. And somewhere out there is a guy who sat down and said to himself, okay, I want an ad that is, and this is a real one I've seen a few times.

I want an ad that is a Photoshopped picture of Jeremy Clarkson to look like he's been beaten up i want a big close-up on jeremy clarkson's haggard face with like a black eye and like a big bruise on his chin and like a bust lip and i want the caption to be something like uh celebrity photos that will make you cry and i want i want this advert on every website a regional newspaper in the uk i want it on all the like chortle like our comedians website i want it on there i want and i want it all over the fuck of the independent i want the independent to be mainly this i want people to not be able to read

about the earthquake in turkey because this is in the way i want it there i want any website that says powered by reach any of those weird little local papers i want i want it everywhere i want on geocities forums i want it uh want it to be what you accidentally click on when you're trying to illegally stream something. I had this advert come up on my chess when I went on chess.com to play chess. And when I finished a game, it would pop up this...

It was a horrible picture. But it said... It was a picture of a a baby and it looked doctored a baby but but instead of an eye it had like a single black orb like but then but then like with sort of skin you could see like it had a lining of skin around it so it was like coming out of the head and it was like it was like and it was like beautiful natural eye deformities or something. I was like first of all that's not beautiful at all. I'm still haunted

by it and it's not an eye deformity. This baby has like a ball of onyx sticking in his forehead. What the fuck is this? Why would anyone look at this? It's not right. It's not nice. This baby is one of the old gods that's what this is it's horrible wow yeah there's a lot of that where they'll sort of have these deformed or very strange pictures and then the caption will be

something like either most beautiful this or it'll be like most shocking or the it's yeah it's real like freak show stuff it's real real bearded lady stuff and it's strange to juxtapose it with an otherwise now very sort of sensitive sensitive online culture online culture yeah that's right i saw one someone someone shared it on their instagram story and i saw it and it really made me laugh. It was exactly what we're talking about. So it was a photo I've seen before and another sort of a caption. So on the left-hand side of the photo, it was like a sort of, you know, a horse girl. A horse girl. You know, the girls who own and and ride horses i mean in this genre of of

image production it could be also literally well well so it's an image that i've seen before like i say and it's of a sort of quite attractive horse girl and she's being like hugged by a horse like not really but the horse has got like its leg one of its legs over the lady's shoulder and she's like hugging it. So it looks like the horse is hugging the girl, right? So you can see why this has traveled all over the internet. And then on the right hand side was a picture of sort of blurry picture of a ultrasound scan of a pregnancy. And the caption was um uh this pregnant woman's horse wouldn't stop hugging her right so you go

hang on before i even look at the the right hand side of the image it's not a hug a horse doesn't know what a hug is let's just clear that up straight away It's not a hug. A horse doesn't know what a hug is. Let's just clear that up straight away. It's the same way that when dogs put their paws over each other, it's a show of dominance. They're not hugging.

They've just been trained to do it by little TikTok weirdos. It's not a hug. They don't know what a hug is. Okay, so now we've established the horse is not hugging this woman. Wouldn't stop. What? In what possible context is the horse is not hugging this woman. Wouldn't stop. What? In what possible context is the horse just... Just sort of going... And sort of trying to hug this pregnant woman.

She shouldn't be riding horses anyway. So I just go, what? And the right-hand side image with this sort of ultrasound scan says, when the doctor saw her ultrasound he called the police a doctor called the police that's that's when you know it's bad yeah that's how you know it's That's when you know it's bad, Pierre. That's how you know it's bad.

If the doctor gives you an examination and instead of telling you what they've seen, he just goes, excuse me, and just picks up the phone and just boop, boop, boop. This is what I thought was so great about it, was that one of the emergency services was having to call the other one instead of fixing the problem. The problem must be medical.

And the doctor's like, nah, the police need to come and arrest this fetus. Well, I guess if the police come across someone severely hurt and injured, they call the ambulance. So maybe the doctor's like, well, how do you like it when I call you to my job? But also like, okay, whatever's wrong with the baby, A, i don't believe that the horse could sense it obviously and b even if there is something that can be wrong with an unborn child that a horse can sense i don't see how the police it's any of their it's any of their business i oh i see i always thought the implication was that the horse had far had fathered the baby in some way that is that's why it kept hugging it yeah hugging the pregnant lady

until the baby became part i think you're supposed to either that the horse knew that the woman was being criminally treated in some way or that the baby inside was a criminal yeah it's a criminal baby and is that why did the doctor do an ultrasound and then he and then like the ultrasound, the baby had like a flick knife and a bandana. On the ultrasound. And his left hand was swinging like a bike chain. In the ultrasound, the baby, he just saw a watch and he's like, that looks like my watch. And he's just gone. Hey!

It's gone from his wrist. And the horse could sense, this woman's baby is going to be a criminal. It just felt bad for her. I need to squeeze it out of her and trample it now. And she's just like, aw, I love you too, Aussie. I need to trample this criminal baby. I'm trying to squeeze it out. Hold still, woman. I need i need to oh i love you too

this is a good thought experiment okay you could travel back in time to kill baby hitler but you're a horse how do you do it first of all how do you get inside the hitler house home right if you're a person you can make up some story, you can befriend the parents, but you're a horse. How are you getting into... I guess the best course of action is to wait until Mr. and Mrs. Hitler take the baby out

and trample the bride. I like how you corrected yourself there. The Hitler house, home. Let's make this Hitler house at home. Let's make this Hitler house a home. Let's make this Hitler house a Hitler home. Hitler house

was the original name for Slytherin. But it was a little on the nose. Yeah, I guess, yeah, you have to wait till baby Hitler gets taken on a walk and then try and be a sort of out of control horse yeah in that sense I think it actually wouldn't be too hard

you would have to stake out it's quite hard to stake a place out as a horse hard to fit in the police car it's hard and very hard to handle the it's also very hard to hold a newspaper up to your face with eye holes in if you're a horse because you don't have binocular vision um yeah maybe yeah it's late 1800s so that's true actually horses horses hanging around less of a less unusual excuse me

that's true that's true but then i kind of you know Mr. and Mrs. Hitlum I just see this horse standing outside in the dark just like all fours just standing under a solitary street lamp honey the horse is still out there sharpening his hooves this horse won't stop hugging me we need to call the police yeah hi i'm friedrich plum and i'm the head of the friedrich plum foundation

a foundation founded on my belief and i believe that i'd like to think you share which is that too many children in the world are going without customizable nail clippers that cut their fingernails and toenails into fun shapes, like jagged edges, half moons, or even this little ghost here. Spooky, right? But it's still a thumbs up. And I'm giving you the thumbs up to donate to me to help raise money to provide customizable novelty fingernail trimming devices to kids all over the world. That's right. It's time. It's time to make a change. Some people might say that part of this

is somehow linked to the Friedrich Plum child novelty business. Maybe I ordered too many of these and for some reason they can't be sold it's nothing to do with that I just think that did you know that my foundation estimates that over 80 percent of preventable illness in the developing world is down to the children having long fingernails or fingernails that are not in a funny shape, both one category in the data. Let's fix this. Yeah? Please. That's so funny. I do love that about those insane, fake,

clickbait independent ads is I mean there's an art to it the headline that trails off just at the right point the dot dot dot

the ellipses comes just when you're given enough information to want to find out what's next but also they but it also offers information that is not in the image

and it sort of builds a whole world. So we've got the pregnant lady, we've got the horse. There's no picture of the doctor. But in the teaser it says when the doctor called the police. And now we're introducing the characters of the doctor and the police it's actually very sort of compact efficient storytelling yes these

clickbait this clickbait um but this is what i mean i would love to speak to someone who you know they come forward from from the dark underbelly and they say it was me i i'm i'm the guy who commissioned that one and here's my reasoning and and here's what it's actually for if you click on it here's here's why it makes enough money that it's clearly worth it for me to pay to have this thing fucking everywhere yeah yeah because that's the thing about scams. You're approached by one and you go, oh my god, that was so transparent and so stupid.

But the very fact that it got to you at all means it works sometimes. I mean, it must do. It's gotta be worth the money because I'll tell you who's very careful about profit margins. Scams. The scam artists are very very um keen to make sure that they make money so it can't be it can't just be mad bullshit not entirely i'm just looking i'm just looking at the it must be

covering the cost yeah i've just gone on the independent website to have a look at some They must be covering the costs. I've just gone on the independent website to have a look at some. Yeah. I want to look. God, I hate this fucking website. It's so ugly. Actual cost of solar panels will leave you speechless.

Brits, this is how much solar panels should really cost. I don't know. I don't have an opinion on this. Look, here's a great one. It's a guy squatting. It's a cartoon of a man squatting and it says urologist begs brits to shrink prostate with this dot dot dot begs please please brits please your prostates are so big. Please, Brits. I'm begging you to shrink them.

And this other one is, cardiologist quote, too much belly fat. Do this before bed. And it's someone spooning a load of orange powder into a glass of water. Oh my God, belly fat. There's something so old school about belly fat. That sounds like a phrase from the 90s. Yeah, well, these ads are always very into god belly fat there's something so old school about belly fat that sounds like a phrase from the 90s yeah well these ads are always very into their belly fat and the reduction thereof

it's always here's how to lose belly fat and because no one wants to admit that you can't target fat in specific parts of your body you can target the muscle there but you can't lose god the independent is so badly written. It's like student writing. That's the thing about these ads on The Independent. Oh, I've got Adblocker on. These things aren't actually... I'm actually scared to take Adblocker off. Yeah, you're about to take off your mind condom

in this terrible spam buffer. Yeah, I'm raw-dogging The Independent. You must never go raw on the independent. That's why they came up on my chess app. I was like, what? This weird orb eye doesn't... Okay, I got the belly fat one.

The orb eye. Okay, this one's... Do you see the belly fat one? This one is going... This one is one is i think one of the weirdest okay so it's it's a somehow these weird clickbait ads they source photos of celebrities that don't quite look like them and you've never seen these photos of them before it's almost like it's an rendition so this is a picture of whoopie gold oh good it's the right era for old people to be tricked and she's looking straight into the camera and she has a sort of

contemptuous face round round spectacles her her hair is in um uh um dreads and they seem to be a sort of slight neon green and she's looking sort of with contempt at the camera and the title of the link is take a look inside Whoopi Goldberg's repulsive home I love bad AI

English or it's oh my god repulsive home the thing about the independent is you can't tell the difference between the writing of these and the writing of the actual articles yes that's true the standard of writing is roughly equivalent which probably helps the ads hide and play in sight, doesn't it?

Yeah, exactly. Oh, man. So this is an independent article about dating apps. The likes of Hinge and Bumble have turned dating into a cesspit of ghostings, blind panic, and rampant dehumanization, and many have had enough. Many have... Have turned dating into a cesspit of ghostings. Already horrible, using...

That's the gerund, right? Ghosting. So gerund is using the continuous version of verb as the noun, which is already not ideal. Yes. Straight in, into a cesspit of ghostings,

blind panic. It's a cesspit of blind panic and rampant dehumanization. They can't not go without... They can't go without an unnecessary adjective. Rampant dehumanization? Cesspit of ghostings, blind panic,

and rampant dehumanization. What's rampant dehumanization? What does that mean? I guess that, you know, there's a lot of people dehumanize each other on dating apps and it's rampant yeah and many have had enough oh have they

all single sentence all one sentence oh my god this is so bad how do these people it's quite difficult to get a job in journalism I don't know how writers on the independent have done it I don't know man I on the independent have done it. I don't know, man. I mean, I think I vaguely remember reading in Private Eye

something about them getting sold to an American company who just made them into this mad online. Yeah. Yeah, because it's just a clickbait website now. Yeah. I'm looking on the mirror and looking at some. This is a good one. Two old people from like a film

photoshopped in front of a Cotswolds village. Seniors should seriously do this if they have no life insurance. It's very important. Seniors. Warning, this game will ruin your social life. Play at your own risk. Oh yeah, this is another category.

The one I just saw was like, if you you have a mouse don't download this game you'll be up all night do you mean to do this or not greta thunberg's car shocks the world proof in pictures greta thunberg's car that's so that's amazing it's such a like a you know fucking yada sees that and goes on you she had a fucking massive land rover and clicks it puts in his credit card details to get angry at fucking greta thunberg's car oh my god and what's the picture of that is it like a picture of greta thunberg with like a mouth open or something it's a pic of greta thunberg looking uh like she's on the cover of a sort of aggressive rap album maybe she's looking quite serious here's an actual article from the mirror i love the way

the headlines work amanda holden fans fear she showed more than intended in playful bedroom snaps. Right? So the idea there is that she's flashed some tit. Yeah, but her own fans are looking at it and going, I fear she showed more than she intended. I'm full of fear as a Holden fan. As opposed to just saying, wank to

this nip slip, you lonely beast. Which is what it should say. I fear Amanda. I fear you've shown more than you intended. No. Amanda, no.

Amanda Holden fans trembling with fear. Oh, please. That some playful bedroom pics went a bit too far. Oh, Amanda, shrink your prostate, I beg you. And your belly fat. It creates the impression of the people who click these things are always very, very ill. They've got loads of belly fat, their prostate's massive, they've got loads of belly fat their prostate's massive they've got no solar panels

they're old as fuck and they haven't they've not taken out any life insurance of it over yeah yeah yeah yeah they're in dire straits oh it's gross it's so gross and i i think like a website like The Independent which claims to be on the side of good and improving the lives of vulnerable people, they should be holding adverts that seek directly to victimise lonely, confused people who are looking to make a quick buck

or are worried about their savings or are worried about their health is not right. And for the independent to have these on their website or the mirror, to be honest. All these papers where they go like, you know, the main thing is that

we're a trusted source of information. Do you want Viagra from space? Like it's just immediately in between all of their allegedly incredibly reliable, well-researched bits of journalism are like you say, like sharpened stick traps like ditches full of sharpened sticks for people just to fall into and lose their credit card details and have their identity stolen

yeah yeah it's like if you could buy cigarettes from your gp yeah it's yeah it's gross but when when when some of the older when the boomers and the gen x's gen x is less so but when the boomers die off i mean what's going to happen to online to clickbait and scams they're really going to have to up their ante right because they're they'll then be dealing with internet natives yeah the only they've got to really get good um it's gonna be the digital equivalent of how it's much harder to like busk or beg or do any sort of stuff without a card reader no one has change in london anymore yeah yeah um so you know it's a much more cashless society and then yeah as you say if everyone's a much more cashless society. And then, yeah, as you say, if everyone's a digital native,

these ads are going to have to be like so convincing. And so, I mean, what are they going to say? Do you still have an iPod shuffle? It could be worth me. And then it cuts off. And it's a photo of a really angry looking Billy Eilish with a black eye. And it's a photo of a really angry-looking Billie Eilish with a black eye. Billie Eilish will pay $2 million

for your iPod to heal her black eye. Here's why. Do you see that lady in America recently put up for auction? She had an original iPhone, unopened, still in the box, still in the cling film. It went for like hundreds of thousands of dollars. Because it did.

Well, there basically aren't any that haven't been opened and have been used. And so collectors of like old Apple stuff will pay a lot for like an unused. She just by chance, she was given two at the same time. She just put one away. And now she sold it for $100,000. And that must be what? Like 15 years old? When was the first?

2007? Yeah. 2008? Yeah. So it's only taken 15 years for that thing to be worth whatever it was. $100,000. That's insane. What stupid bullshit should I be keeping and not opening now?

I know. A vape pen? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. i know um a vape pen yeah yeah yeah i like an oculus or something the vr um i listeners i tweeted an article about the metaverse that made me cry laughing um so i recommend it's very funny by some guy called Paul Mamari I think or is it a joke piece no it is like a sincere analysis

basically of just going like but who who is in the metaverse who is even there does the metaverse exist yeah you can go in it and this guy goes in it and writes a very long article

about what it's like in there and it is like a mad empty version of Second Life I've always I'd always assumed it still hadn't been launched. It's not what Zuckerberg wants it to be. But you can go to a fake VR British pub made of like three pixels and kind of stand around. There's a comedy night in there.

Yeah, in this pub. It's in the article. It's great. I recommend that. Also, thank you to everyone who came to the Budpod Live, course we should say oh yes bud pod live too um last episode and and its bonus pod was such a thrill so nice so much fun so fun in the lesser square theater sold out 400 pod buds having a grand old time yeah and if you didn't make it i'm sure you can hear in the recordings just how much of a great time everyone had and all the smiles and all the laughter and all the

friendship if you have high quality noise cancelling headphones like me and phil you can actually hear the smiling uh while we're talking yeah you can hear the wet separation of lips yeah it's really gross and it's about it's 400 people so it does sound uh very sexy um and then at one point i think maybe four minutes 17 seconds in you can hear just in the very very lowest part of the recording someone go i'm having a grand old time just to themselves and and i said it on the night um and i would like to reiterate it that if everyone who came to see us in the less square theater could go and rebook tickets to see me on the 15th of june in the same venue then that would solve a lot of awkward questions that i have at the moment such as

who's going to come see me at the lesser square theater 15th of june uh similarly in in wang news um to this thursday i'm starting my tour to a boy big tour boy in exeter first date exeter sold out but there are still tickets for many of the other nights on tour this week is exeter oxford it's brighton um and then i'm also going to scotland wales and ireland for the first time so please if you want to see me live get on filmwagon.co.uk and see if i'm coming near you looking forward to it will be fun yeah get on it you absolute maniacs because we don't want to hear anyone saying why didn't you come to where i live after we've been and it happens all the time and i'm not even

joking speaking of insane people is that what you said uh we need to read some correspondence let's do it correspondence Correspondence Okay, we got a nice little email here from Andrew Andrew, you the man, Drew Yeah So the subject line is riding Mrs. Hudson

so it's something to do with Lesotho yes Mrs. Hudson was the name of Pierre Mai 4x4 when we drove around Lesotho for World's Most Dangerous Roads on Dave still available to watch on UKTV Play still available to watch

so do check it out if you haven't seen it me and Phil go down the world's longest abseil through a waterfall. So that's pretty cool. I'm still scared of it now. But we named our 4x4 Mrs. Hudson after the

landlady housekeeper in Sherlock Holmes. So, excuse me, Andrew says, Dear the fresh Phil of Pierre. Right, like fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Nice. Having been inspired by you

naming your dangerous roads car Mrs. Hudson, I wondered whether you might be the detectives I need to shed some fresh light on something I've been pondering for a while. A fresh case. A three-pipe problem patch. Don't get too excited.

No crime has been committed, nor have any bodily fluids been inappropriately expelled. It's really about trying to understand a business decision. We're business boys. Allow me to elaborate. I will allow you, Andrew, if only to understand what you mean. We'll allow it. Proceed.

But be careful, McNulty. You're on thin ice, Andrew. In my town, there is a deserted dessert parlor. A deserted dessert parlor. Well, I shouldn't have called myself that. Yeah. In my town, there is a deserted dessert parlor.

One of those gaudy shops that are all fake, faux black marble and neon that only sells sweet. Yes. Yeah, yeah. So he says that only sells...

Yes, we have some here they call it it's called like dreams or something yeah or like sweet delights treats they're horrible treats disgusting yeah they definitely look like a front they don't look they look like a front i know that they're nominally for a particular area say um last prayers of the day Muslim population. That's what I've been told. But they're also not that busy. One of them on my road is actually next to a mosque. And even that one's not that busy.

I think they're predominantly for Muslim people. Because if you can't have booze, you've got to get your sugar somehow. And you've got to do something. And it's like half past eleven it's like sweet spot yeah but there's one in my road next to a mosque and it's not that busy and it's like i don't think your business could be any more ideally placed like why is there there's a few people in there i guess late at night but not

loads anyway yeah you're right so uh all faux black marble and neon that only sell sweet piss-inducing items. If you remember, we had sweet piss as a phrase. Oh, sweet piss, the Malay word for diabetes. It's been closed since we moved to the area over two years ago. All the while, the attached handwritten sign has been on display in the window. A fading remnant of a time before. An Ozymandias of Confectionary. Very nice.

Ah. So. An Ozymandias of Confectionary. Yeah, that's in the ruined statue. From the poem. I don't know enough about the Ozymandias. From the poem. From the poem by What's-His-Face.

The cruel sneer on the statue. Who wrote? Right. Who wrote Ozymandias? Is it Coleridge? No. It's someone cooler than Coleridge. Coleridge wrote...

Who wrote it? Shelley! It was Shelley! Yes! I rock. I'm the best person Give us a reading so the listeners get the joke Oh yeah It's very short

Is it a long paragraph? No it's very short, it's like a paragraph Oh yeah, sick I met a traveller from an antique land who said two vast and trunkless legs of stone stand in the desert near them, on the sand

half sunk a shattered visage lies whose frown and wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command tell that its sculptor well those repassions read which yet survive stamped on these lifeless things the hand that mocked them and the heart that fed. And on the pedestal, these words appear. My name is Ozymandias, king of kings. Look on my works, you mighty and despair. Nothing beside remains. Round the decay of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare. The lone and level sands stretch far away.

Yeah. Yes, Ozymandias, I think the Greek alternate name for Ramses II, yeah yes Ozymandias I think the Greek alternate name for Ramses the second ah so there it is right so there it is this statue of a once great

king but who is now buried inside behold my works ye mighty in despair but his works are no longer there to behold. Right, yeah. So this is, what he's referring to is this attached note. And it says,

We do sell large chocolate bars, thank you. It's handwritten. I'll show you on the screen here. That's so funny. is this in the window of the two years shut down shop wow because every time you see a sign somewhere i mean it needed to be put up something happened yeah that meant it needed to be put up we do sell a large chocolate bars. Well, so. Well, so. For the last time. So he says, it's just a simple handwritten note on first glance, but my brain has gone to such depths to consider the circumstances around it. I can also only read it nowadays in Pierre's put-on, high-pitched, exasperated voice,

which is another reason I thought I'd send it in. We do sell large chocolate bars thank you actually that really hurt that one so this is these are his thoughts in italics could the number of people asking for large chocolate bars really have been enough to require the sign did they realize that their choice of font colors from afar makes it look like it's saying the opposite was it the stress caused by the constant stream of mega cocoa seeking customers that led to the madness and ultimate demise of the cafe i appreciate there's not going to be any documentaries made about this but the sign does make my wife and i chuckle every time we see it your astute

analysis is welcomed brackets don't listen to andy so it's not andrew it might actually be handy andy i'm not sure it could be medical andy ah yes he was the one physician saying he does recommend so maybe he was the one saying don't listen to andy oh i see i'm getting confused yes i remember yeah i remember yeah don't listen to him Andy. We do sell large chocolate bars. Thank you. So what do you think has happened that made them put up this sign? Because they do sell large chocolate bars.

Were people coming in going... Oh, sorry, no. You don't sell. I've completely misread this. Oh. It actually says we do not underline sell large chocolate bars

but not is so faded in the same color as the let me see that again because I read sorry Andy we've fucked this up oh yeah I know the not is very faded we do not sell large chocolate bars

so he's right I see what he means now from a distance it looks like they're saying we do sell large chocolate bars. As you get closer, you go... It does. It does. Oh. I mean, that sign has surely only exacerbated the problem.

Yeah, the guy who wrote that sign is sitting there going like, what is up? Ever since I put the sign up, if anything, more people are fucking wasting my time. I even highlighted the not by putting it in a different color. I underlined it in a scribbly grumpy way. What is going on? I'm always amazed by these places because when they open,

never mind how not that busy they end up, when they open, they've clearly got enough seed money to buy all these decorations and the fake marble and the signs. Like, it's expensive. All the freezers and the posters. Yeah, neon lights and the big sign. You just think, who's done this? What were they doing before?

Were they saving money from a normal job before? And they were like, ah, one or two more years here at this fucking desk and I can achieve my dream of opening up a sweet treats. And small chocolate bar specialist. He glances across his desk at the guy eating a two foot long chocolate bar and just goes, you fucking pigs won't have any place in my store. Disgusting.

His supervisor comes around and whacks him on the head with an air pot toble her own oh you'll rue the day you'll all pay none of you will be allowed in my sweet shop so i'm not sure yeah i mean so well there's a ps from andy he says i previously i previously mentioned about offering some answers to the quandaries discussed in the Christmas correspondence episode, and you both seemed keen to hear. As a bit of tit for tat for your thoughts above, here are some relatively quick answers. So we were asking the question. It's been answered by a few people, but we're asking about why your bumhole stings from hot food. Why your bumhole stings from hot food yeah yeah uh asking all the hard questions yeah he says this thing is uh not due to fortunately not due to taste buds in your ass thank god

rather it's due to activation of pain receptors by the capsicum yes okay so it's a pain receptor fair enough your brain just can't tell you. That's fine. Secondly, as to whether... I forgot about this. Secondly, as to whether or not a fart would create a little cloud in cold weather. Although it wouldn't be impossible. Like a breath. Although it wouldn't be impossible, it's not very likely.

Although temperatures are key factors, you discussed. Humidity is hugely important. Yeah. Exhaled breath has a naturally high humidity. No one wants a dry lung. So much so that the air used when ventilating patients in hospital is actively humidified. Okay. In contrast, although the contents of your gut are undeniably wet.

That's a horrible phrase. Undeniably. One of the key functions of the bowel is to absorb as much water as possible. Accordingly, the humidity of bottom breath is not as high as you would think. There we go. Okay. Oh, that's very interesting. Yes.

I didn't think about that. Good old Andy. Thank you, Andy. But don't listen to Andy. Don't listen to Andy. Physicians do not recommend. Well, now, Phil, it's time to go to the long shut sweet shop of the patreon yes yes to see how i navigate this location tune in to this

friday's patreon episode and if you're not a subscriber to our patreon do become one to access some excellent extra content and also to find out first about the next bud pod live which will be happening at some point in the future but until then

if you live in london go see pierre the square theater if you live in the uk and ireland um do come to my tour which starts this thursday uh tickets on

filmwring.co.uk. But otherwise, see you next week. Bye. Bye.