BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 209 - Emergency Correspondence Special!

Episode Date: April 12, 2023

Wang is in America! So here is some of us clearing the back catalogue of correspondence! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's a Budpod correspondent special for emergencies thing. You've pulled the emergency cord and a whole bunch of letters have fallen through the ceiling like the oxygen masks in a plane. But it's just lots of poo-smeared letters. They've burst out of the toilet like in Harry Potter. Yes, so I guess these episodes aren't aren't numbered these are non-canon well we can't predict the number now that we're recording yeah that's true they will have to have some sort of number but these are episodes of correspondence to simultaneously get through the backlog and fill space for when there is an emergency and one of us is doing some other shit or ill or whatever yeah these episodes are the

podcast equivalent of that image coming up with the girl and the clown doll and the chalkboard yes or if you're american that sort of rain, or if you're American, that sort of rainbow, or South African as well, that sort of rainbow, the black bar at the bottom. Yeah, that's what this is. So welcome. It'll be as good as that. So enjoy.

Enjoy. How are you, Phil? We're doing this on FaceTime So I can actually see you as well I know, it's amazing how long It's taken us to adopt this Cutting edge technology But we'll see how it goes

I didn't realise you had Duffy I'm still reeling from the I don't know when this is coming out But it's currently the 8th of March And it snowed this morning. Icy. Doesn't feel very normal. It tends to snow around Easter on the Isle of Man.

Oh, yeah, that's true. Or it did growing up. We've got some arctic winds. Yeah. I think basically, especially in the UK, you just have to go, it's not summer till it's been summer for three weeks in a row. You're never, ever safe. Never let your guard down. Never relax.

Always be vigilant. Yeah, you always have to have your fists up in front of you Ready to punch away some rain Just in case it jumps out of you from behind a bush Or some sleet sort of corners you in an alley How about one of these? Yeah Also, you've got a dotty wall behind you I didn't realise you had such a dotty wall

Gosh, yeah, I guess this is the first time you've actually seen behind me. Yeah, this is the wallpaper of the kid who used to live here. Which sounds very sinister when I put it that way. This is the last family who lived here. This is the kid's room. The kid just loved dots. Yeah. It's supposed to be like animal print, but it's like animal dots.

And I've just never, I've just not taken the, uh, the wallpaper down. I've basically, I've got Stockholm syndrome with wallpaper. Yeah. Is wallpaper making a comeback?

It's expensive and needless. So maybe not. Oh, I would say things that are expensive and needless are prime contenders for comebacks usually. Yeah. But then you but you gotta glue all over your walls and make it all match up well um we should we should read some of this correspondence that's been piling up santa is finally diving into his sack his heav heaving sack. His big ball bag of letters.

Timothy gets in touch. Timothy. Give him-a-thee some of our time. Nice. Thank you. Dearest peek-a-poos. Peek-a-poo. I like that. That's better than turtling isn't it

that's very good yeah currently playing peekaboo yeah touching cloth is yeah it's an alternative of touching cloth isn't touching cloth turtle heading and peekaboo yeah yeah i've always i've always thought touching cloth was was exaggerating the case anyway yeah yeah once it's far enough out to be jutting into pant surely it's over the war is over the rubicon is crossed yeah the pubicon the pubicon has been crossed yeah yeah the pubi bum let's remove all sense from the pubi bumy bum. The poopy bum. The poopy bum has been crossed. Completely impossible to trace your steps back to the original reference then. Good luck reverse engineering that, etymologists. Good luck with that one, Susie Dent.

Poopy Dent? Poopy Stent. Poopy Stent. Right. poopy poopy dent poop poopy stent poopy stent right i mean it's a bit of a deviation from my usual body part your voice is fading in and out here and there by the way i'm not sure why i think it's these dumb fucking airpods because of my my ears are ringing again so i can't i can't really use the the cans medical airpods anyway timothy says excellent podcast i really wasn't sure what it was at first fair we're still figuring it out yeah yeah yeah but now it is my favorite and you can consider me your latest loyal pistorian oh fantastic yeah however he says i do feel like a silly child who has scoffed his entire dessert in 10 seconds wow well doctors do not recommend i wonder how long timothy took how long did timothy take um i may have to go back and become a double historian savoring each and every poo

story like it is a vintage Hawaiian. Listening to your latest podcast, I think you have stumbled across the perfect secret bud pod exchange. No idea what that was. Perfect secret bud pod exchange? What does that mean? He might have been talking about the whole bin bag.

Are you having a bin bag's day? Okay. Oh, right, to signal if you're a pod butternut. Remember, we were trying to come up with a catchphrase that wouldn't get you arrested if you were wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That wasn't just, is there poo coming out of your bum right now?

Can I lick it? Can I lick your bum? Excuse me? Sorry, sorry. I thought you listened to this podcast. It's from a thing. It's from a... Handcuffs have been strapped to you. It's just a podcast. It's from a thing Handcuffs are being strapped to you

It's just a podcast It's from a podcast No After you've just walked up to someone Who's got poo and shit and weird A lady shat her vagina And she shat shit out of her vagina in the bath One of those old white vans

From 1950s America's come My headphones have come out Because I was rearing back in horror One of those old white vans from 1950s America comes around. My headphones have come out because I was rearing back in horror. In memory. Well, there's old white vans and they get you with a big net. Yeah. There we go. Like Dog Catcher.

Yeah, that's it. The Men in white coats. I wonder at what point they sort of went, is this inhumane? Should we not be rounding up people like dogs into the pound? Yeah. So he says,

I've also included some of his own higher risks alternatives. So safe options uh timothy's giving us one it's wine o'clock somewhere and the response is uh the response is classic tat okay and then you both say okay thank you okay okay wow okay okay yeah i like this yeah so that's safe yeah quite a lot to remember usually it's just a feed line and an answer yeah now they have to got to agree on the chorus at the end they have a sort of amen yes yeah high risk first person i fucked a dog that is high risk you're gonna get shot from a helicopter for saying that number one i fucked a dog number two but did you come

number one no but he did wow both on a tree that seems too many steps that's a lot to remember yeah that's a lot the dog didn't come on a tree did he it's just that the guy was yelling that he didn't come yeah there was a tree did come into it what was he saying about the tree i think he did say he made the dog come i think he did did he uh that guy was nuts man he was not in a good place he was nuts i think it's one thing i can be absolutely sure of is that he wasn't well he doesn't uh he wasn't hashtag living his best life no impressive to make a dog come though yeah maybe he meant it as a boast i don't even know what that would look like the dogs have the dogs have an o face i don't even know what that is well they don't really have lips so it's hard for them to make an O. Like how if you stub your toe, you never see your dog go, ooh. Ooh.

Ooh, mate. Or if you hand it a treat that you never see it go, ooh, lovely. Ooh. Ooh. Yeah. Delish. I don't know what I'd do if I saw a dog's completely separate lips somehow form an ooh

I think I'd call a priest Father it's happening again the dog's got lips again ooh ooh are you calling the priest ooh I'm scared but they'd have to make an o-Face sound to say woof. Woof.

Woof, that's true. Woof. Yeah. I'm trying to do a woof with that. Woof. Woof. Yeah, if you grimace your lips all the way back like a dog's. Woof.

Yeah, no. Look, I take it back. They've've got lips they just can't purse them yes yes yeah well timothy continues this email's got different sections this one is called in defense of bin bags okay so this is same email next section yeah In defense of bin bags. Okay. I'm willing to hear this now. It's a new feature on GB News. Yeah. Timothy says, why are bin bags a bad thing? I love bin bags. Without them, we would have to carry all of our disgusting waste in our arms to the wheelie bins. Or you would just have a really gross bin that just collected more and more bin juice bin bags help keep help us keep our bins clean and our houses sanitary stop shitting on bin bags i mean you make a good point but at the same time if someone were to call you

a fucking toilet you wouldn't be happy but we need toilets yeah that that that sort of advice is the sort of thing your mom says to you when you're being made fun of at school That sort of advice is the sort of thing your mom says to you when you're being made fun of at school. You know, you say, Mom, Jerry kept calling me a toilet. Well, you should tell Jerry that toilet. Where would we be without them? You should say, thanks for the compliment. Yeah, well, he called you an asshole.

Well, we need assholes, don't we? Otherwise, we just fill up with shit and explode. So you should say, yeah yeah you know who's famously responsive to to logic bullies especially if it's pedantic logic especially if they're children as well they really respect maybe you should maybe you should uh uh counteract your bully using socratic argument you're a toilet jeremy well where would we be without toilets andrew what i'm asking you where would we be i think that would be i actually think that'd be quite successful in the playground but i'm speaking from my perspective here i think as the boy who probably would say something like that i think it would be successful below the age of 11 and above the age

of 16 yes yeah well put i think 11 to 16 is just pure law of the jungle time yeah yeah where if someone says you're a toilet you have to go your mom's my toilet yeah you're in man max territory in those years yeah everyone's got blue spiky hair and fucking shoulder pads yeah driving in the desert yeah um well i don't know i think when we say something is bin bags or having a bin bags day i think it's more the used bin bag in the same way that condoms are good but a used condom is bad that's right exactly it's been bags day like the day can just go in the bin the day can just fill up a bunch of bin bags that's that's how bad it's been this day's so bad that touching it got a load of juice on my hand yeah Stinky bin juice.

Obligatory story is the next section. Wow, okay. A three-act structure to this correspondence. Even more. Timothy's trying to get all his correspondence done at once. Typical of such a greedy boy who guzzled his podcasts. He's a glutton, isn't he, Tim?

Yeah. I was walking past some people and accidentally played a few seconds of your podcast on speaker due to a usb slash bluetooth a snafu luckily it was only piercing quote a kid might come out covered in poo yeah it says a lot that that's like a safe snippet for people to hear so it could have been a lot worse yeah he says um and it wasn't the funniest but more embarrassing line i think he means of that particular podcast quote i was shitting on some jizz and a fart came out which i think jesus christ i think it was one of our i think it was one of our lines making fun of how dumb how dumb we are our own podcast is but without

context no such there's no such defense yeah it's like ironic uh uh prejudice it's sort of without context it can only seem like true prejudice you know says i kept my head down and pretended it didn't happen. Uncool cool being an astronaut. Hmm. His justification is, sure you get to go into space, but also you have to shit in bags all the time and presumably give up jacking it for weeks or months.

Do you have to give up jacking it? Because it's dehydrating? Where would the jizz go? Well, where is where the poop goes, surely. Into a little... Airlock. And you just see it floating outside the window of the space shuttle.

Like a little ghost. Yeah, or like a little constellation. And that, children, is where the Milky Way comes from. Yeah, I guess, yeah, that's true. I think he's right about it being uncool-cool just for the fact that, like, it is cool to be an astronaut, but you can only become an astronaut by being... Well, you have to be, like, three types of scientist at once and...

Yeah, they're very, very nerdy people. A gymnastics champion from the Air Force. Yeah. Yeah, you have to be a ripped nerd. We've met a couple in our time. Yeah. Ripped nerds. They go to MIT.

Ripped nerds. They do bouldering. They do wall climbing. Yes. Yeah. And, like, their face says, but their body says, bad idea.

It's very confusing. The face and aspect says, but their body says bad idea it's very confusing the face says the face and aspect says bully me but the body says if you dare if you dare to sir yeah yeah and even if someone bullied them because they do so much rock climbing they could just climb up like a spider yeah and just turn their head around 360. Yeah. Yeah, head spins around 180 degrees just to look at you. What would we do without toilets, Jeremy? Oh, it did work.

Weird normal. Fast food restaurants where you eat with your hands, but nobody work. Weird normal. Fast food restaurants where you eat with your hands, but nobody washes their hands first. I do. I do. Where do I? At Maccy D's. If I don't, I sort of eat the burger through the,

holding the paper. Strategic paper usage, yeah. And sort of um using the using the fries container to sort of angle them into your mouth i've well i don't know if i ever said on this podcast i've told you about my the the kid at school when i was in my teens i love this kid i went to mcdonald's with once and he would pick up a fry eat it to the base where he was holding it with his fingers and then throw away the little tip that he was holding. Like a cigarette.

Like a cigarette. So he ended up with this like little pool of French fry butts. It was the most insane. I can still see it today. You've never seen in your life a little pool of French fry butts. I can't forget that image. it's the only time i've seen french fry butts in my life and i could still see it today i i so completely understand

what that kid is thinking but it's so mad and so pointless i remember years ago reading um i think it was a column by david mitchell and he was saying whenever he sees an advert that says there are more germs on your chopping board than on your toilet seat yeah he just thinks well they clearly don't matter then yeah i think he said the same thing about like they found on those touch screens at mcdonald's where you make your order there's there's traces of human feces yeah and he goes well then clearly it's fine yeah or we'd all be dead yeah my body must be able to cope with at least this tiny amount of yeah yeah yeah that's it i i i that was reminded because i saw an advert for a sort of toilet spray and it's like someone is like angling this thing down into the bowl and spraying up

underneath the rim where the water descends from you know what i mean and it says kills 99 of germs and i remember thinking i don't give a fuck if there are germs there that's why that's what it's for it's a toilet but also like not just on the bowl or near the handle underneath the rim well i couldn't get my finger there i couldn't lick those germs if i wanted to also what else are you using your toilet bowl for are people like doing a shit doing a flush and setting up and going oh fuck we're gonna have my corn flakes in now i've got to make sure there's no germs in that underside water distribution bit because that's where I keep my rolled up salamis salami slices that I roll up

and sort of pop under there for snack time so he says sorry for such a long email I don't even have a poo story I did one shit in the woods but it was uneventful fair enough

good well done yes good work for such a long email. I don't even have a poo story. I did one shit in the woods, but it was uneventful. Fair enough. Good. Well done. Yes. Good work. And then he offers us, in lieu of that, a poo joke. Why did the blind baker have smelly hands? Because he needed a poo. It's a classic. Why does he have to be blind? Because otherwise you'd have to explain why

he accidentally, why he didn't identify it was a poo. Why he was smashing his hands into a turd. Yeah. I guess he should be, why did the blind baker with no sense of smell and also who frequently did shits onto his kitchen table. Yeah, and also couldn't tell the difference between the texture of dough and human shit. And human shit. You could just replace all this with why did the

terrible baker why did the baker lose his mind how did we know that the baker had finally gone fully insane because he needed a poo yeah fair enough uh keep up the good work, Koji, Timothy Good luck rhyming that, Will Fang Well, I did I'll try, I'll go again You did pretty well No one can take it away from you Timothy

Chin of P Chin of P He's got a chin made of P. So how do you like that? How do you like that? Where would we be without chins, Phil? Where would we be without chins? Ducky, duckly-doo.

Matt. Another Matt. Matt. How's that going to go down today? So he says first a scatological tale.

Good day to you, the two peas. A scatological tale, but first some tat for the tat whisperer. So let's see. Okay. So it's a classic horizontal sort of landscape rectangular sign you'd hang on a hook curly whirly writing black on a white background and it says i'm a blank blank but damn i'm blank

i'm a blank blank but damn i'm blank gosh that's over and ended how is damn spelled? D-A-M-N? yeah standard, no pun work actually okay I'm a blank blank but damn I'm blank I'm a bad bitch

but damn I'm good ooh you're so close right I'm a bad bitch, but damn I'm good. Ooh, you're so close. Right. Yeah. You're making it actually more clever than it is by linking good and bad as a kind of funny contradiction. Sorry? It's not even like a funny contradiction.

It's just like two sentences. it's just like two sentences I'm I'm I'm a tough critic but damn I'm cute you're getting there I'm a I'm a fussy eater, but damn I'm hungry.

That would be good. We could be here for a long time. Do you want to give me one word? I'm a bad blank, but damn I'm blank. So I got bad. Yeah. I'm a bad cook, but damn, I'm confident. No, it's...

So it's, I'm a bad influence. Okay. But damn, I'm fun. Okay. Yeah, that is just a sentence. Is it just a sentence? A bad influence is often most accused of being fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why people get taken in by the bad influence.

That's why they're worrying to parents because they're inherently fun. It's not like, he's a bad influence. Good thing he's so boring and no one likes him or talks to him. Yeah, that's really the reason he's a bad influence. Like, I'm really worried about you hanging out with James so much. He's just so boring. I'm worried he's making you boring, son. Yeah, son, if your friends make you quit smoking and go to the library, they're not really your friends. They're trying to make you less cool.

Oh, if they told you not to jump off a bridge would you not yeah would that stop you just because they said not to just because they said not to just because they said not to do something you wouldn't do it why don't parents ever say that because that's all that's to an extent that's an important lesson too and they're both the same phenomenon which is just influence but yeah i guess they just think positive influence negative influence yeah i guess they just think uh we'll never be too unhappy with our child staying perfectly still at home yeah they'll after a few years of that we'll start to worry but for the first few years of that, we'll start to worry. But for the first few years of that, we'll just be glad that they're sitting perfectly still at home. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I'm worried about you hanging out with all these tedious kids. So Matt says, back to the scat in hand. The scatter at hand. Yes, yes. Way back in 2003. Wow, that is way back. The Iraq War. That's what I was thinking.

Way back in 2003, during a lunch break at college, I visited a local greasy spoon dubbed The Pantry to grab a famous breakfast bin lid. What? Yeah. What's a breakfast bin lid? It's full English on a piece of bread that is the size of a plate. Like a big round roll.

I've never heard of this. It's a thing in the Northeast, I think. They've got a name, a special name, these big round flat rolls. Wow. Your friend and mine, writer and producer Katie Story, is from that part of the world. Yes, yes, yes. And the Greggs in Newcastle, they sell...

I don't know, they call them Newcastle cakes. Stotties, that's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a big round bread. Big round bread. Everywhere in the country's gotta have its own bun because if they were the same well then the uk wouldn't be fun we got to have some bread over here we gotta have our toast We gotta call it something new.

Let's call this one Ghost. That was good. Yeah, in Cornwall, there's a bread called the Ghost because it's very pale and white. Yeah, yeah. And light, yeah, fluffy. That's good. That was very Disney. I like that a lot

this consists of an entire full English breakfast yet, beans and all yum, beans soaking into that bread, keeping the breakfast wet you bet something didn't sit right after devouring the beast in the breakfast wet. You bet. Orange bread, Bap. Something didn't sit right after devouring the beast.

On the bus ride home, which was an hour, how long is this lunch break? Where are you working, France? Yeah, oh. Bonjour, Matt. Mathieu. I started feeling the growls and grumbles of poops yet to come. Suddenly the beast had reached the gates of freedom,

and it took all my power to keep the beast at bay. Knowing I would not make it all the way home, I got off the bus early and tried to make it to a friend's house. Risky. Risky. Excuse me. Upon making the first few steps off the bus, I realized I would not make it before all hell broke loose.

In sheer panic, I hopped to the nearest wall, which happened to be a local church. God will not forgive. Imagine bussing into a church and eating a shit going, Sanctuary! Sanctuary. Those villagers are chasing you because you've been pooping all over the town. Sanctuary Those villagers are chasing you because you've been pooping all over the town

Sanctuary Sanctuary No sooner had my feet hit the ground Than my trousers and pants were around my ankles It fell out of me like hot brown soup That's not normal From a fry up Maybe on a bin lid it is

I'd say that's constipation territory very worrying it's a miracle someone made his fry up with poop hands with no loo roll or leaves to tidy the mess I pulled up my pants and waddled to the friend's house He kindly let me use the toilet

Not knowing the horror that befell me I cleaned up, took the pants and wrapped them in the bin liner of his bin Then I walked the rest of the way home Free-balling it Oh, going commando Yeah, and chucked my pants in a bin on the street Terrible scenes I don't understand how this lunch break was so long Yeah, and chuck my pants in a bin on the street. Terrible scenes.

I don't understand how this lunch break was so long. You could have a sort of three-hour lunch and visit your friend's house, and your friend was also home. What kind of school was this? What kind of college was this? Yeah. Pretty liberal. Oh, right, so he's at college.

So like sixth form college. Yeah, and I know you get a lot of free periods at A level I've heard I've heard people say Matt is he's not coming from school he's coming from his job no during a lunch break at college college right right right yeah I mean they just

I think they can have a lot of breaks it's crazy to me I'm one of those weirdos who did the IB Yeah, I mean, they just... I think they can have a lot of breaks. It's crazy to me. I'm one of those weirdos who did the IB and it's just no breaks ever. I did... I had a few breaks towards A-level, but I always had like one more subject than everyone else. So, you know, I didn't have that many free periods.

It's because we're immigrants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We love doing lots of subjects, it turns out. This is like a value thing, you know? If you go to private school, you're paying for these things. Well, I might as well take as many classes as I can. You just get it forced into your brain over and over again. Eat as much mind food as you can.

Yeah. Yeah, what a lunch break. Time to not only have a whole bin lid fry up, but also to shit yourself. That does sound like a fun life, though. Getting, oh man, at college you can go out to a greasy spoonful lunch. That's sick. Yeah. I remember sometimes, you know,

when we were in sixth form, if you had a bit of time and someone had a car, you'd drive a few, a couple of folks over to the, like, the takeaway place down the road and you get like burgers and stuff that was sick you felt so grown up and rebellious yeah yeah this isn't school lunch take that lunch lady doris or whatever you're imagining in your head, whoever you think you're sort of winning against. One last email for this little chunkaroo from Sam. Sam, hot damn.

I can't wait to hear from Sam. Sam says, dear the two poopsketeers. That's nice. Not quite a founding father But definitely a Pistorian here I found a puzzling sign while on a hike In the Mourne Mountains Mourne Mountains?

Where are the Mourne Mountains? I think it's Northern Ireland Ah The Mountains of Mourne Come! Yes, that's what they were called growing up The Mourne Mountains, the Mountains of Mourn Come Yes, that's what they were called growing up The Mourn Mountains, the Mountains of Mourn On a particularly clear day

We could see them from the island Wow When we were growing up Those are the Mountains of Mourn Mountains of Mourn You must never go there On a particularly clear summer's day Sometimes you could go to the highest point of the Isle of Man

And you could see what they called the Seven Kingdoms Wow I think it was seven You could see the hills The Lake District in Cumbria, the Mountains of Morn You could see Ireland England, Scotland, Wales Wow

Ireland, England, Scotland, Wales, the Isle of Man The sea and the sky Oh that's cute. Yeah. That's sweet. Not sure what category this falls under, but it's definitely poop adjacent, as the car park was clearly open. It begs the question.

I'll just say the sign. So it is taped onto a farmer's gate style sign. Oh, yeah. And it just says temporary closed due to wet see if i can hold that up for you there oh there it is temporary closed due to wet like your friend at school yeah standing in ios wet the little puddle that was left after the after someone used the shower yeah so sam says um as the car park was clearly open it begs the question as to what the wet is the wet was it

had been raining yeah but it's like it's open though there's cars and the gate's not shut it's it's open so well there is a temporary closed maybe temporary is over yeah maybe now it's permanent open it's a long way to temporary um uh love the show it gets me looking forward to the middle of the week many times i've failed to stifle laughter in public places and got many weird looks. Koji Sam. Thank you, Sam. Thanks, Sam. Temporary close due to wet. I wonder. How wet can it be to shut a car park in Northern

Ireland? Yeah, surely that must happen a lot. Well, we must leave you temporary now. Yep. Temporary goodbye to you all. A temporary goodbye to everybody. Thank you for listening to this Emergency correspondence special Special, special

Do not adjust your poops But we'll see you next time For a normal one Who knows Who knows How long the state of emergency will continue Poop Cheers guys, have a goody

Bye