BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 21 - DANEPØD

Episode Date: July 17, 2019

DANEPØD! It gets poopy again! Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie discuss Copenhagen and its beauty, ASMR twitch gaming, 1 Hour Poo, Glenn Moore teaser, the Scandinavian beauty white supremacy trap, Britain’s Imperial Cricket Team, Liam Neeson’s CLOCHE, never meet your ENEMIES, Inflaty Popkins and Julia Fartley-Pooer, not to be mean, a new Louis Line example! Shy lady BudPod hecklers, UPDATE FROM NATALIE and Katherine raises the tone. FEAT: The All Night Tanning Bed. Get in touch! [e-mail] @thebudpod on Twitter! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi! PodBuds, hello! Hi PodBuds, welcome to DanePod. Yes, DanePod, the third international trans-sea episode of the PodPod. Yes, I think so, yeah. The third, yeah, soggy pod. We must have done more than that in Melbourne. Must have been like three at least. I don't know because we did a couple... That's right, we did a couple extras. In advance.

We were prescient boys. But yes, I'm in Copenhagen. Great. Nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Copenhagen a good time? Wait, wait, wait. We've got to be more careful about who's speaking when okay i think i'm being a little more erratic than usual

at the work on the worst possible podcast to do that so okay i'm gonna slow down and calm down i've had a water i'm sorry have you had a water yeah it's kind of it's gone to my head um yes i'm in cop Copenhagen to do some gigs with a brilliant comedian called Simon Talbot. Talbot. He's interesting because he's from Denmark, but his dad is Irish, and so he's fluent in English as a second language

with a very sort of thick Dublin accent. Wow. But he doesn't have any cultural references really. So you meet this guy who's sort of like Ah, Pierre, good to see you. Welcome to Copenhagen. And he's like, oh no, you're Danish. Wow. He sounds like

some sort of horrible experiment. I mean that in the most nice way possible. Yes, he's a wonderful horrible experiment and I did a sort of Twitch streaming he's going to start a Twitch streaming channel so I did some Twitch streaming today. Playing video games?

Yeah, playing a driving game Okay I think I might start just I play video games to procrastinate but if I could turn that into making money, well, then I could ruin my life. Imagine. Dude, I've been tempted by the Twitch thing, but I play video games to get the fuck away from everyone. I hate multiplayer.

I don't play video games to talk to more racists. So I don't see the point. It defeats the purpose for me. so I don't see the point it defeats the purpose for me I suppose when I imagine doing like Twitch gaming I would just like

play one of my solo player strategy games very sort of as carefully and quietly as I would do it to relax anyway, it would almost be like ASMR Twitch gaming just gentle clicks of the button as I would do it to relax anyway. It would almost be like ASMR Twitch gaming. Just gentle clicks of the button.

Yeah. And you're just very quietly rage quitting. Yeah. And I'll just quit now because I'm going to shoot myself in the face. And you're slowly slamming the controller into the wall. Just click, click, click, click. I'm just going, we'll just build a castle right there on the border uh to kill the barbarians there we go i think it could be a

money maker yeah i mean how many uh youtube genres can you put into one. That'd be interesting. Yeah. If I did a Twitch gaming ASMR video where I um set fire to myself and fell off a wall in Russia. Whilst taking a shit on your own chest. With my, with a

cat in the background. Well, I'm happy to say we made it 3 minutes and 48 seconds before the first poo reference. I don't know if that's a personal best for us, a pod best. I think that must be a pod best. It's terrible. And it was me as well. It came from me.

Yeah. we've been getting a lot of good tweets about um uh two two different people brought our to our attention that a malfunctioning sign in america saying one hour poo oh yeah when it's supposed to be one hour photo yeah yeah that's really good i love it i think slow poo uh in in our presence has definitely done at least an hour poo oh an hour poo wouldn't be enough you'd have to like buy two sessions at that place the big queue of people tapping their feet yeah you'd have like a loyalty card that's just like stamped all the way through you stamp it with your shitty bum hole? Fuck's God's sake.

Look, it's difficult because bum things are funny. It is. And it just gets funnier and funnier because as you get older and older, the pretense of civility gets greater and greater. So it's all the funnier to remember that you all poo.

Well this is it. I mean Phil, you and I are going up to the Edinburgh Fringe in two weeks and we will be living together which is good news for Bud Pod fans and also we will be living with very lovely people. One of which is good news for for bud pod fans and also we will be living with uh uh very lovely people one of which is glenn moore the comedian true um and glenn glenn gets a lot of joy out of out of the poo poo bum bum life yes well glenn's an interesting uh poo case

himself isn't he i don't i don't know spoil it now but we gotta have him on in august yes he's an interesting one he isn't i don't want to spoil it now on in august yes he's an interesting one he isn't i don't want to spoil it now that's a teaser but he's an interesting one yes just that's a good teaser we're gonna have we're gonna have a very pooey episode for a change for a change up in edinburgh um but glenn glenn i was talking about this exact thing with him the other day and he said he finds that really funny like if you were to imagine, you know, sometimes in a perfume advert or whatever, there's always footage of some kind of cripplingly stylish ball, like everyone's in gowns and black tie, like Napoleon's birthday or something.

And it's even funnier to imagine that intermittently in between twirling on the dance floor and drinking champagne they'll all have to just go to a little room and fire a poo out of their bum pull up their huge dresses and have a really yeah yeah like all those those vodka adverts.

In these pristine ballrooms and everyone's got the eyes wide shut masks on. Oh my, what a pleasure to meet such an enchanting... Ooh, if you don't mind, I just need to... I'll see you in a minute. Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.

Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Why did I drink so much? Absolute. And it's the olden days, so the pooing is worse somehow. Yeah, they don't even have flushes. Great.

Exactly. So, like, listener, you know, it's funny, okay? It just is. Look, I don't think at this point we have anyone to convince among the listeners yeah i think people are on board i did enjoy that email we got from the guy saying oh no that pregnant woman's gonna know that i live i live a bum bum life yeah it's a bit like a fight club this. You don't let slip that anyone knows. I met a pod bud yesterday.

Did you? Yeah, I was at Citadel Festival. The pod buds love a festival, you know. I was at Citadel Festival in London and I met the pod bud who sent in the Dundee fajitas. Really? The horrible

pathetic fajitas? And she can confirm that was all the filling they had. Some jalapeno, some cheddar and some salsa. No meat, nothing. That was the beginning and end of the fillings. So you were having cold wheat tortilla wrap like chewy gloop not even toasted or

anything yep and just with like everything except the filling inside cold cold grated cheddar so that they stay in those little pieces uh with the lovely there's a bad sign this was a bad sign when your burger comes with it not melted on. Yeah. So it was lovely to meet her. How was Copenhagen? It's good. You know how everyone always goes on about like, oh, in Scandinavia, the people are so beautiful and all that. Yeah. It's kind of true, but not nearly to the extent that they'd have you believe.

I think what they mean is one in three people are blonde. Yeah, that's the suspicion I've always had. I genuinely think it's just about being blonde and sort of vaguely athletic looking, but only by virtue of the fact that it's like a lot of European cities where everyone cycles. So most people are in pretty good shape and blonde. You know what I've always kind of thought the relentless admiration of the Scandinavian look is? It's a place where Europeans have had to put their inherent sense of white supremacy.

Yeah. It's an acceptable, you know, everyone knows you can't say, oh, white is the most beautiful. And people who are right-thinking don't say that. But there's a little nugget of them that still believes it. And so they just go, aren't Scandinavians beautiful? Yeah. They go, there's something about those blonde, blue-eyed,

tall, white people in the woods and snow. I just think it's better. To the extent that they make up the idea that Scandinavian society is perfect. People always go, oh, they're these liberal havens

where everyone lives a perfect life. They have some of the highest suicide rates in the world. And some of them are backward thinking. I was going to say, they do like to vote in pretty large numbers for open far-right parties. But aren't they tall? And there's just something about their unified look. I don't know what you would call the Scandinavian look, but I just know it's very beautiful.

I like it a lot. What do you call it when everyone looks the same and they have the same face style? Face style? Hmm. But it's like when I went to... I've been to Norway a few times for gigs as well and everyone's like oh the norwegians or they're all tall and vikings and i mean i'm a tall guy so

i thought oh maybe it'll be like when i go back to south africa and i kind of i don't stick out of a crowd anymore like my height is kind of close to the height of a crowd and they weren't fucking tall either. The Norwegians? No. I've been continually let down by the physical, the alleged physical superiority and beauty of the Scandinavians. People just need myths, Pierre. We just need our myths. I think that's true. I mean, also, there's always that thing where someone goes,

oh, such and such a city, everyone's beautiful there. And I and i always just think well if it's a city where it's really expensive to own property then yeah and it's like it and it's like an international city because it's like people with more money are generally more attractive because people with money have the ability to hire help and they'd have time to go to the gym And better like dental treatment And haircuts and nourishment Yeah Long bones or whatever Yeah yeah it's weird That country where only the very

Wealthiest can live Everyone just looks so Well I don't know What is in the water Here in LA Everyone's like a supermodel What is in the water here in LA? Everyone's like a supermodel. They are. They're here for work.

But on the flip side, the UK is far too expensive for how fucking butt-ugly everyone is. Like, for this... The cost of living here promises a far higher standard of beauty than we get to enjoy i uh i have a friend who's from uh generically from the north yeah and he was saying um uh he was he was listening to bud pod Pod I think when he went he went up north and he said

there's no easy way to say this but I forgot how a lot of people in the north looked this is a northerner saying this by the way we have to point it's his word he's allowed to say it and yeah he was just saying

a lot of the people, and it wasn't like an up and coming part of Manchester he was visiting. It was a sort of quite dismal, but he was saying a lot of people just looked like cream poured into soups. Just everyone looks slightly damp, you know. It's like the other day when I went to Northampton,

and I've never been somewhere that looked more like a post-nuclear war fallout town. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like empty high streets, like clusters of groups of either far too young people in camo trousers and big jackets drinking hard cider from little bags, or really, really old people in camo trousers and big jackets drinking hard cider from little bags or really really old people in camo trousers drinking tinnies from

bags and like loitering just loitering and mumbling there's a lot of loitering but it's weird because there's like a McDonald's or a KFC like near where they're loitering but they're empty maybe people just like to take in the airs yeah they're loitering, but they're empty. Maybe people just like to take in the airs.

Yeah, they're promenading. Northampton is a particularly depressing town. Sorry if you live in Northampton, but well, I'm sorry. It is just depressing. We are the arts theatre there. There's a decent arts theatre

there. Yes. What's it called? It's like a picture drum? We are the arts theatre there There's a decent arts theatre there Yes What's it called? It's like a picture drone It starts with a D doesn't it I don't know I did a gig there once And I said

Lovely to be here in Wolverhampton And wow I lost a lot of goodwill Very quickly For calling them Wolverhampton But it's one of those things like What the fuck does it matter wow, I lost a lot of goodwill very quickly for calling them Wolverhampton. But it's one of those things like, what the fuck does it matter? You're right next to each other.

You're basically the same. It doesn't matter. It is not important. It's that thing where in the UK, it's like they're more obsessed with it the more definitely they're the same. I always liken it to you know like strong nuclear force and intermolecular force yeah so like the forces between two atoms that are oppositely charged quite strong that's like so that's the forces

the anger between countries but the forces between the subatomic particles in nucleus are incredibly strong and that's like the hatred between towns subatomic particles in the nucleus are incredibly strong. And that's like the hatred between towns that are next to each other. Yeah, I think that's very true. And they call it the narcissism of small differences. Oh, that's good. The narcissism of small differences. Yeah, where everyone likes to pretend that like, ooh, you know, not like in France.

And you go, what? You mean the country that's unbelievably similar because it's close by? Like in the same way that like a certain type of British person, I should say, will be really antagonistic to someone from France or like really weirded out by things in France. But they quite happily accept like a Mongolian herdsman. Yeah. Because it's so far away.

Yeah, they'd be like, great, that's exotic and different, and I can just ignore... Yeah. I can just totally go along with this. Yeah. It's the uncanny valley that people hate, isn't it? Things that are almost the same but not exactly. Yeah, it fills them with rage and horror.

Yeah. Yeah, it's just something about people that have the blonde hair and the blue eyes, it's something I like about it, you know? And I don't understand why people think it's such a problem for these preferences. Maybe it would be nice if perhaps, you know, I was in a village the other day and everyone there was blonde with blue eyes and it was nice i just have something something to do with maybe it was the way the buildings were set out or perhaps everyone was very um athletic and fast um and they were tall and it's something to do maybe with having rye bread for breakfast or maybe cold cuts of pork

and ham and cheese but i just something about it i like it and they all spoke german and it would be nice if i could live somewhere where everyone was just speaking german even if they were from maybe poland to czechoslovakia or you, you know, Alsace-Lorraine. Or, um, Romania. Or anywhere like that. It's just if they spoke German, it would be nice if they were all in one place. One place that would just be a pleasing symmetry to it on a map. Um, is what I'm saying, that's all.

Just, that's it. There's nothing complicated about it. And also, you know, it's been nice for a city break. Nice wide roads, good architecture. Why not? Hey, did you follow the cricket yesterday? Speaking of intercultural battles. Ah, well, yes. I sort of remained aware of what was going on with the cricket through the internet. And it was interesting to be in a country

that didn't seem to give a fucking shit about cricket or tennis yesterday. But yes, England has won the World Cup with a multicultural team, no less. Yes, it's great. And everyone who spends the rest of the year complaining about the evils of the British Empire is suddenly very enthusiastic about all these curiously linked nationalities playing a particularly imperial sport. So suddenly it's okay?

I've considered using it as a launching pad to get people to listen to my radio show again. I think that's a good idea because, as you say, there is a pretense in the UK that any other country,

like Denmark could also have had such a multicultural, fully cohesive site. And I don't think it's true. I think it's one of those things where you go, I'm not saying it's good that the cricket team that has won the World Cup could only have existed in a country with a big empire,

but it's definitely true yeah absolutely because like like i was i was i was saying this to someone here yesterday because they were talking about um how like dan because denmark has got problems with its sort of religious and racial minorities uh in both in terms of um a fair bit of extremism here and there but also a lot of racism from uh white danish people and i was saying to them like well it's a bit easier to to convince more people if like someone moves to the uk from former empire certainly you know 50 years ago you could go like well no this is the empire there was like a kind of justification for it psychologically and culturally yeah whereas in denmark they're just like well we're denmark why are you right why are you in denmark yes yes yes

no that's an interesting point because a very good case for multiculturalism in britain is that the uk for lack of a better phrase brought it upon itself whereas yeah whereas a country that did not have a wide-ranging empire, I don't know, maybe you could say they have more of an excuse. I mean, not to my set of values, but they certainly have more of an excuse than somewhere like the UK would to say, this is our country and we want to keep it a particular way. It would be funny if there was some crazy Scandinavian MEP

who was just like, we left you alone. You leave us alone. We didn't scratch your back. You keep your hands off ours. I was thinking, is it very difficult for racist Danish people

because there's no non-white people in their country to shout at? Do they have to walk up and down the street with a people because there's no non-white people in their country to shout at do they like do they have to walk up and down the street with a cloche like Liam Neeson just hoping just hoping someone brown comes out of a restaurant

what do you have to do well they make sure to go to restaurants where everything's got more flavour in yes speaking of which what is the food there like I was where everything's got more flavor in yes speaking of which what is the food they're like um it's i was i was expecting good things because everyone was like oh the thing about copenhagen is that the food oh the food's amazing food's amazing and i get quite annoyed because everyone always goes

hey you know that again you know that massive urban center with loads of money the food is good and you go you better be um and to be to be fair i had had some pizza last night, and it was very good. It was very good, to be fair. It was very, very good. Yeah. Danish food appears to mostly be pork and potatoes. And who can argue with that? It's hard to argue with the old P&P.

Sorry, I've just realized I said Liam Neeson walking up and down the street with a cloche, when what I meant was a cosh. Oh, yes. A cloche is like an item of clothing, isn't it? No, a cloche is the little silver dome that they put over food in fancy restaurants. Liam Neeson walking up and down the street with a cloche. I'm going to put this on your head. Then you'll know.

I'm gonna treat your head like a fancy French dish. I have a very specific set of silverware. He's got one of those weird voices like me and you have where it's kind of from three places. I've got a very specific set of silverware. Yeah. He sounds sometimes more Southern Irish and Northern Irish almost.

I don't know if that's the pressures of Hollywood. Yeah, he does. The pressures of Hollywood. Yes, it probably is the pressures of Hollywood, isn't it? And it does seem like there's some accents where it's easier to convert them into American accents for various action movie purposes. Yeah. Where the Americans, even if it's not quite perfect, they'll just go, yeah, sure, fine.

But in answer to your question, Phil, I think that that's why so many Scandinavian or Danish racists must be so pleased about the Internet, because it means they can digitally shout at brown people and they are I think strikingly present on online forums like the alt-right on the internet are very like, are usually from

countries with very few non-white people and I think that's right I think it's right. Yes. I think it's because they've been frightened by other more imaginative racists into imagining something. And so now they go on the internet. And as you say, if you are unfortunate enough to receive or you go and look at someone receiving racist tweets, a very high number of them will be tweeting the rest of the time

in Scandinavian language or in Russian. It's absolutely true. The Russians love it. Oh, of course. I mean, just here in the UK, they found that, you know, towns that had the least immigrants in it were the most opposed to immigration.

People who've never met immigrants are the most opposed to them. It's like that thing where if anyone's worried about immigration in the middle of nowhere in Wales and you sort of think, well, what are you afraid of? You're afraid of a Dutch stable hand.

Yeah. What do you think is going to happen the unseen evil is always very very great and then when you actually are confronted with these people they're often fine you know how they i've found in real in my own life they say you should you mustn't meet your heroes because you'd be disappointed i try i try also not to meet my enemies because usually they're fine you know and it's that's even more disappointing. Yeah, you want to meet your enemy and be like, wow, if anything, I was being kind about how evil you are.

Yeah. You're even worse than you were in my dreams. But usually they're like, hi, hey, yeah. Yeah, I'm kind of busy at the moment. Here, have this canapé. Oh, they're fine. But sometimes that can make you have a lot more contempt for them, right? Like if you ever met some hard right-wing shock jock,

and then they were just like, yeah, I just do it for attention. You'd be like, well, stop it then. Well, that's worse. Well, I mean, I've heard this about like katie hopkins yeah apparently in person very very pleasant like really nice and polite and she does it as a job and i guess that is yeah that is worse that is worse it's it's it's a lot more sort of morally abhorrent because at least if she had the courage of her convictions you could go well does believe it, but instead she's kind of like a sort of fascist YouTuber.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. She's the UK's oldest YouTuber. It's such a weird thing to sort of think. Do you think that that's how she describes it to people? That, oh, I fell into this? Because you couldn't plan to have this

as your life. No, no. into this because you couldn't plan to have this as your life no no yeah i guess you do it maybe there's something you fall into did you just found she's good at it yeah did you know about her um her deliberately antagonistic weight loss show no i only knew about this um because i looked her up i was reading her wiki page and she did a show she did a show where she deliberately got really fat or like put on a lot she deliberately put on a lot of weight just so that she could lose the weight really quickly and and like say like see was it was it called inflatey Hopkins. Inflatey Katie. Inflatey Popkins.

But how is that for trolling? Right, so she just went out of her way to go, go it is easy to lose weight you're all making it up yeah and what's more she she she filmed herself eating all like the cream the the lovely cream puddings and custard and pork and whatever and was like this is too much to eat i feel sick how do you people do this to yourselves so it was like trolling all the way up and all the way down again brilliant well i mean fair play to her commitment yeah i mean that's um that is a uh the the craftsmanship of a renaissance painter into that gigantic fuck you to a whole lot of people but you sort of think wow i cannot believe you got paid to essentially piss on everyone's chips. Yeah. Yeah, and

I can't help but admire someone who at the very least epitomizes their work. Regardless of what the work is, as long as you epitomize it, I can't help but have some admiration for that. It's that thing of like,

it's hard not to admire a sort of purism. Where you go, wow, you really are a piece of shit. You're not messing around here, you know. You're not taking a holiday. She's really committed to the whole, I'm human garbage. Yeah. That's why the worst thing a person can say is, like,

not to be mean, right? Not to be mean. No, I love her, but... No, I'm not being mean. It's like, no, you are. Commit to it. Yeah. Also, like, oh, I love her, I love her.

It's just that. And you go, like, why are you prepping me for this? I'm not this person. Yeah. No, she's lovely. She's lovely. Yeah. Do you know how strong the word lovely is?

Lovely. She exudes love. But I think she talks in a stupid voice. And that cancels out that she exudes love. It's that thing of, like like I always want to say to people who do all that prep before they complain about someone I want to say to them please respect me enough

to believe that I can hear you say this and not then run around saying so and so hates Susan like in a playground. Yeah, like I'm seven. You're holding a champagne glass at some fancy party. You go, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, that's very interesting.

Would you just hold this? Hey, everyone! Listen up, listen. You're running around the room, flapping your arms. He thinks Susan's a bit annoying he thinks she talks about her kids too much and you go back and like well you didn't tell me not to say you didn't say that you thought she was lovely so I didn't say that part I have a very specific set of silverware.

I have a cloche. I have a knife. A butter knife. A cheese knife. It's sort of rounded and smooth on one side and then on the other side it's got like a fork prong thing so you can so you can cut you can cut the cheese and then and then fork it well knife I suppose but with the same piece of silverware. It's just very efficient. I have some silver-bottomed champagne glasses.

They add to the stability of your drinking. I have a silver whisk, believe it or not. I don't think anyone else in the world has a silver whisk. It's actually quite impractical because silver bends too much. But I have it because I have a very specific set of silverware, as I said earlier on in this phone call. So, by the way, i know you have my daughter what i'm trying to see is if you return her i'll forget about it and we'll i'll i'll keep i'll just make something

with my silverware but if you don't i will i will find you i will uh kill you and i will then cut you up with my cheese knife and then pick up the pieces of your body with the same knife as i said earlier it's got these great prongs on the top side of the blade so I can do it all with one knife. Okay. Good luck. On a good note in terms of combining a theme that we've had, two themes that we've had so far, you know there's Katie Hopkins, of course,

but then there's also Julia Hartley Brewer. Oh, yes. She's another sort of lady. The right wing does a very strong line in kind of grouchy lady trolls. Yeah, you can't fold them on their gender balance. If you go to America, you will

never fail to find a blonde lady with her hair in a ponytail who's willing to be tacitly racist on the news. It just seems like there's a natural abundance. Anyway. It's not even tacit yes in america yeah they're a lot more direct about it um so uh just a fun thing that i do to

cheer myself up because inevitably whenever i see julia hartley brewer pop up on anything she's there being awful or uh deliberately inaccurate about something in some way in my opinion um uh i just always read her name as Julia Fartley-Pewer. And just like that, back to the theme, 30 minutes and 58 seconds in. Yeah, and it cheers me up, because it'll be like, Julia Hartley-Brewer is on,

talking about how immigrants cause cancer or whatever, and I go, more like Julia Fartley-Pewer. It's good, and she can't come back to that. She can't come back. What's she going to say? No. You're going to claim that, Julia? You're going to claim you don't fart or shit?

That would be quite funny if we could trap Katie Hopkins into trying to do a big documentary about how she doesn't fart or shit. And the rest of us are making it up because we're snowflakes. Yeah, we only fart. Like, farts and shits only come out of us because we it up because we're snowflakes Yeah we only fart Farts and shits only come out of us because we're weak and we let them Now that would be Flaty Hopkins If she didn't let any other poo out She's just there with

A really distended stomach You see You're just weak Well what does today have in store for you What time is it over there It is exactly One hour ahead Oh the future Yes I'm in the future Phil

So you have the show tonight Yes indeed So basically the thing I'm in the future, Phil. So you have the show tonight, gigging tonight? Yes, indeed. So basically the thing I'm doing here, Phil and dear listener, is that this guy, Simon, who's certainly from what I can tell is a pretty big deal here in Denmark anyway. The show's full and whatever. He's doing like a new material thing because he's trying to start gigging more in English

because he mostly gigs in danish and so he's got this thing where he'll do like 10 to 20 minutes of new stuff in english with notes and then i'll come on and do like 20 25 minutes of whatever the hell i do and then there's an interval and then he'll come back on and do like an hour is it is the english there really as exquisite as i've been led to believe yeah like everyone seems to be pretty much fluent in english certainly well i mean it's it's kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy right because if they can't speak english it's not like they still talk to me right of course yeah um but the people who have been speaking english have been yeah pretty much pretty much perfect. And they... It's that interesting

thing when Europeans learn English is that they tend to learn American English. But not always. And so it's interesting to hear their use of vocabulary. They often sound quite mid-Atlantic. There's those great...

I think they're American Dad characters. Yes! The two European guys who... Oh man, I'm hanging over after drinking 10 litres of beer last night. Yeah, they're really funny. It's a really funny character.

It's this really well-observed, kind of weird... It is. It's so specific, but bang on. Yeah, it's perfect. And like for example last night one of the guys was like, is it Root or Route? And I was like, well it's Root in Britain and the Commonwealth and it's Route in America.

Yeah, this is confusing. Yeah, and he was like, he found that quite irritating and I was like, entirely fair enough, entirely fair enough. Yeah, well I had a date scheduled for tonight and I was like, entirely fair enough, entirely fair enough. Yeah. Well, I had a date scheduled for tonight, but she's not feeling well. So I'm going to stay in and watch tonight's panorama about the LGBT debate in schools.

Oh, okay. So you're going to stay in and sort of get quite irritated about a situation that is... It's the worst kind of situation. It's morally incredibly simple, but politically very complicated. Oh, absolutely. Yes. I have a date tonight with contention. I have a date tonight with contention. I would give any amount of money to have someone powerful in government whose job is just to say, fuck off. Yeah. I mean, and fair play to the education secretary.

That is, I think, the tacit strategy here. It's too tacit, though, because I read a preview article about the panorama, and it's saying how initially the school got the impression they needed to just give in. Yeah. Well, from the government?

Yeah. Really? Oh, that's a shame. But the school was trying to read between the lines, because you know what the government? Yeah. Really? Oh, that's a shame. But, like, the school was trying to read between the lines, because you know what the government's like. If they tell you to do anything, then they're responsible, so they're just being all English and vague. Okay. Anyway, I mean, you're going to watch an actual documentary about it, so whatever.

You tell me what it's about later. Okay. I'll do. I'll educate you. And you have to thank me for educating you. Even though it's not your job to educate me, Phil. I know I should stay in my lane, but I can't help it.

I'm an educator. I know I should stay in my lane. I would love a school full of really woke teachers saying it's not my job to educate you. Yeah. If a science teacher has to substitute an English class,

I have to stay in my lane. I have to stay in my lane. It's none of my business. A teacher saying it's not my job to educate you is really funny. Letters. Emails. Phone calls. Toilets.

Your sister. Keep it. Barfield. To Google. Correspondence. I'm going to be looking at the correspondence Phil on my new on my new phone

Wow When did you upgrade? Downgrade? Sidegrade? I upgraded I think a week or two ago because I dropped

my phone in the toilet. Which is very on brand. Very on brand. Perfect for a bud phone. Yes, although it was a clean loo, I must emphasize. That's a shame.

Yeah, it is a shame for the brand. And so I had to revive. Of course, if you drop a phone in a soil toilet, of course you have to put it in brown rice. Okay, so Alright, so some correspondence Let's read this filth In higher definition than before

Yes please So, Lydia gets in touch Oh, Lydia, Lydia Put the lid on and take it off It's Lydia Put your clo. Oh, Lydia, Lydia. Put the lid on and take it off. That's right. Put your cloche on, Lydia. Go out of the cloche. Hey, bodpuds.

Bodpuds. We both have kind of pudding body, but we're trying to get rid of it, aren't we, Phil? That's true. That's true. But for the time being, that is accurate. She says, I was at Phil's Bristol Comedy Garden set on Saturday night.

Oh, nice. That's a great gig. There was a pregnant pause after he had announced that he'd finally settled down and started a podcast. I was in the back row in like row Z surrounded by strangers. But I want to reassure you that internally I was shouting, keep jacking it at the top of my voice. Great. It does take courage to heckle with a masturbation Catchphrase I think

Especially all the way from the back In a pretty big tent Yes and she says keep on keeping on jacking Lydia and she says Depressing PS Depressing postscript The first thing that okay thank you brings to my mind Is trying to deflect creepy compliments

Without escalating the situation, which is fair. That's the dark side of OK Thank You. It is the dark underbelly of the OK Thank You movement. The dark underbelly is such a funny phrase. Yeah, yeah. Inna gets in touch.

Inna. You're in or out? You're in. The pod Alright Hello peep and poop For God's sake I would like to start off by saying When I first discovered Phil

He gave off the impression That he would be a great best friend And now it has developed into a huge crush Ah that's nice A huge crush Anyway Okay thank you actually Okay thank you Yeah there we go a huge crush. Ah, that's nice. A huge crush. Anyway. Okay, thank you, actually. Okay, thank you. Yeah, there we go.

Anyway, I have a most uncool thing and coolest uncool thing, but they are both the same thing. Okay, interesting. So I think what she's saying is this is exactly on the Louis line if they're both the same thing. Yeah. For listeners who are just joining us, and there might be quite a few of you, The Louis line

If we imagine a graph Where it's from plus 100 to minus 100 And plus 100 is as cool as you can be And minus 100 is the least cool thing in the universe Zero, or the Louis line Is Louis Armstrong Picking all of his own records On Desert Island Discs

As the best music in the world Which is simultaneously very cool And horribly uncool picking all of his own records on Desert Island Discs as the best music in the world. Which is simultaneously very cool and horribly uncool. Yes, it's the most baller thing you can do and also the most Alan Partridge thing you can do. So she's saying video games fits this category. For example, in professional leagues, they get lots of money and they have championships and they win and they get seen as cool.

However, even the coolest, even the least cool people have played or do play video games. I think that's true. Oh my god, another person! Another, this is right after the last email. I wanted to shout keep jacking it at Phil at the Brighton Comedy Garden show, but I would spare him the embarrassment.

No way! So Brighton and Bristol. Brighton and Bristol both had a shy lady at the back thinking to you, please keep jacking it, Phil. That's wonderful to know. Keep jacking it from Inna. And she says the name is Albanian, if you're wondering.

How's it spelled? I-N-A. Wow. Yeah, great. That's a neat name. And listeners, we must apologize. Even though we did get back to inbox zero recently, there has been such a flood.

Oh, great. That I'm afraid we won't be able to read out all your emails, but we do read them all and we do keep jacking it. We do. What have we got next? what have we got next? We have a sort of update from Natalie. Okay, great, great, great.

So to get people up to speed, Natalie had a job interview and when asked to tell a story told the I fucked a dog story when a troubled man on the tube carriage that I was on

started telling everyone very loudly that he'd fucked a dog. I'm just so interested to see how her career is progressing. So she says, apologies for my late reply. I have been in Paris learning comedy. Ah! Oh! Clowning perhaps. Perhaps some clowning. For now I'm still comedy. Ah. Oh. Clowning perhaps. Perhaps. Some

clowning. For now I'm still in Paris but I finally have time to answer your questions. To answer Phil's question I told the story in the original interview as if it had happened to me. Oh. Interesting. Interesting. And she says thank God otherwise it would have been even worse. Which is true.

I had my second interview for the job last week which was for the job of food tour guide um a horrifying job because i would have to interact with tourists but it pays surprisingly well in paris is it i think so yes and and uh good pay and free food and tips uh for the second interview i was asked to learn a whole script stand in front of one of their restaurants and lead a single person on a quote tour using this script. The first time I did it I completely fucked up, stumbled over my words and left loads of information out.

The interviewer said don't worry it was a practice round we'll do it again and I'll film this one. Thankfully I nailed it the second time. I performed it word for word and was extremely confident. The interviewer The interviewer gave me many compliments and even gave me a hug. I was so confident that I had the job

When the interviewer asked if I had any questions I replied with When can I start? Which in hindsight With an astonishing amount of Which in hindsight is an astonishing amount of cockiness For someone who literally only read a five minute script correctly Anyway I've not heard back yet

I guess I'm still in the swirling cesspool of graduate job hunting. If you know of any jobs, please let me know. KGAI with all my heart, Natalie. Well, thank you so much for keeping us up to date, Natalie, and well done on your excellent restaurant tour. I'm sure,

well, I don't know, maybe the French don't like too much confidence. Maybe they, yeah, they sort of, you should have been more aloof in the restaurant. You know, maybe when the guy was like, what kind of food can I get you? You should have gone,

just shrugged and spat at him. Yeah. And it's like the authentic Parisian attitude. And he's just sort of nodding sagely as spit rolls down his forehead. Smiling, giving a slow clap yeah very good the student has become the master from the people that brought you sugar eagle

it is the all night tanning bed is the all-night tanning bed. The all-night tanning bed. That's right, finally a tanning bed that you never have to leave. Don't worry about not being able to sleep because of the creepy blue light either. The tanning bed all night features not a single piece of UV light equipment. But how? I'll tell you how. The entire bed has been soaked, soaked to the bone, in tanning liquid.

As you sleep and roll around in the bed, the tanning liquid leaves the bed sheets and applies itself directly to your body, creating the opportunity to wake up in the morning five shades darker than when you went to sleep. Stop being mistaken for a ghost at family gatherings. Make people think you've been on an expensive holiday when in reality you've only paid 699 to sleep in a sodden chemical bed you're my chatting bed got a 1-800 squelch pillow it's the rock and roll solution having pale skin you're my chatting bed We have a very intellectual podcast from Catherine. We have an intellectual podcast? God, sorry. We have a very intellectual email from Catherine,

and it's going to up the tone of this podcast for once, thank God. Oh, please. Thank you, Catherine. Hello, P&P. She says she loves the podcast, a highlight of my Wednesday morning, and has facilitated a lot of embarrassing public laughter and procrastination. That's very kind. Thank you. That's why we do it.

Your discussion of the coziness of spookiness and folk horror in episode 20 reminded me of an M.R. James quote about wanting to leave his readers feeling pleasantly uncomfortable when walking along a solitary road at nightfall. Very nice. Who is this person? M.R. James.

M.R. James, yeah. Well, it's terrible that a Chinese guy confused an R and an L there. I was about to say. That's right, Phil. M.R. James. Okay. I'm not acquainted with ML James.

He wrote something... No, she? Oh, God, what am I doing? The trouble is I've just typed it in and it looks like I'm typing in Mr. James. No, it wasn't. Oh, yes, it is. He's a ghost story guy. That's right.

Oh, okay. What was his most famous... He's a ghost story guy. That's right. Oh, okay. What was his most famous... He's in the same kind of category as H.P. Lovecraft, I think. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Oh, I think he wrote The Turning of the Screw. Did he? I think he did. It's very spooky if he did.

Okay. He's a spooky old boy. I must read some... I don't like spooks. I don't know these people. Yeah. Anyway, well, that's very intellectual. We will become better fans of M.R. James.

Anyway, so then she ups the ante even more, Phil. She says, philosophers in aesthetics talk about something called the Lucretian or Lucretian return upon the self, called the lucretian or lucretian return upon the self which some theorists view as the reason people derive pleasure from consuming horrific or tragic fictions and perhaps find mildly spooky things cozy lucretius i'm going with suggests that we enjoy seeing what ills we are spared transfixed by the sight of a ship caught in the middle of a perilous storm because it vividly reminds us of our own good fortune, eliciting a pleasurable meta-response, or a kind of horror hygge.

Oh, absolutely. I had this sensation back in Chinese school when people would get caned. And when another student got caned, I remember being sort of terrified and horrified, but also feeling this great sense of relief

and that it wasn't me and i guess that's why people used to go and watch people get hung of the gallows right yeah and and to and to sort of they always used to go on about how the people need to see justice done and i literally see it yeah and and that that thing of like oh i feel better for not also stealing some Bread to feed myself because look that guy's Dead You know So she asks do you guys have any pleasantly uncomfortable

Most uncomfortably pleasant which I guess you just gave us The caning Right yes that would be my Memory Mine Mine was on the way to Copenhagen The Stansted Express Broke down halfway there because they just said

Oh the railway lines have no electricity Suddenly Because Britain is crumbling And so there were like 200 Annoyed airport people In the car park of a very rural Train station And they were like we're going to get you

A coach to drive you there And all of yeah and they were like we're gonna get you a coach to drive you there and all of these poor foreigners were like well the british must be very efficient when it comes to getting coaches to replace their broken trains and i thought you poor fool so i was desperately ringing taxi companies oh really yeah these these two ladies got a taxi and i just ran up and said can i are you going to the airport can I just come with you? And they went, yeah, sure. So I got in their taxi, and I had that pleasantly uncomfortable, uncomfortably pleasant as we were just driving past all these people just after half an hour still thinking, the bus is definitely coming.

The bus was not coming, Phil, not for hours. They were really going to miss their flights. Oh, no. Yeah. So that's mine Catherine says Catherine says her thing is She's currently extremely hay feverish And would gladly scoop out my eyes with a Cold spoon to get some relief There is nonetheless a certain nihilistic

Savor to finally giving in and having a massive Scratch Even as you know it will make it much worse As soon as you stop. Koji, Catherine, that's true. Thanks, Catherine. Finally rubbing your eyes is a real pleasure. Thank you for upping the class of the podcast for a brief minute or two

there, Catherine. Yes, it was like the Open University. It was a real cool shower before we delve back into the sewer with our next email. Here we go. Dear P Squared, I love the pod and I thought with all the bum bum talk I would offer some BBC-esque balance.

Okay. At university I lived in one of those houses where the landlord was playing the game of how many human beings can I fit into a confined space? Which meant we had three floors of bedrooms with a single bathroom down three sets of stairs. My friend was on the uppermost floor and was one of the laziest men I have ever met. and was one of the laziest men I have ever met. When he was hungover, rather than going downstairs to use the bathroom,

he would essentially just chuck down several Imodium tablets. He would just take a load of Imodium tablets. This essentially corked him up, so he could play Mario Kart and Jacket without the tyranny of the bathroom. We never asked about what happened when it was a number one Mainly because the resulting answer would surely have been The stuff of nightmares He is now a married man with a small child God help us all, keep jacking it

From George in London So Imodium blocks you up, is it? Yes, it's supposed to be anti-diarrhea Well, I mean There's some ingenuity there I suppose But the grossest image there is

the prescience he had in the drugstore buying ammonia knowing what he was going to do people yeah people preparing to be lazy in a gross way

always seems perverse yeah but again it's taking effort yeah yeah yeah it's the the paradox of going

out of your way to be lazy or like being being proactive in your laziness and preparing for laziness Going out of your way to be lazy Or like being Being proactive In your laziness and preparing for laziness Exactly Exactly So this next piece of correspondence I must admit it's like

He's very kindly emailed it in as a kind of summary Matt who was the guy who Asked us Sent us in the knife that looked like The number four Oh thanks Matt A long time ago He's actually been corresponding since

But it's been on Facebook Messenger So I kept forgetting To give him his due So he says Dear Nivelli Wang Excuse me Story While at a recent wedding in Glasgow, I found another regular listener

who, upon hearing I was the number weapon, Matt, demanded to know if I was the slow pooer. Oh, right, right, right. In an odd turn of events, I had to end up reassuring my friend that I do poo normally, not something that I had to do before Bud Pod. Yes. Well, we're being the chains we want to see in the world.

Yes, we want more poo talk. Missing side quest. While walking home after a superhero film, lost in my own thoughts about being Batman and wouldn't it be cool, etc. A lad did a beer run, stealing a crate of beers, running out of a shop in a comically huge white puffy jacket.

The shopkeeper came running out after him. This was all happening mere meters in front of me. The lad struggled to jump on his BMX bike, but eventually got away. Meanwhile, still lost in my own thoughts, I just walked past this whole scene, only realizing the irony when the shopkeeper looked at me in disbelief. He's just like doop-a-doop-a-doo through a crime scene. I'd be a great superhero.

Yes, I'm an agent for justice. Ba-ba-da-ba-da. Oh look, a thief. Ya-ba-da-ba-da, no business of mine. Wa-ba-do-ba-do, I'm Batman. He says, I feel like there was a disappointed Darren Brown around the corner, wondering where he went wrong.

In terms of celebrity spotting, he says he, he once saw David Icke in a cafe in Cambridge. Ironically, ironically, Phil looking like a lizard man wearing a flesh mask, like in men in black. Emma gets in touch

and says, Hello Phil Pong and Pierre No Smelly. That means you smell nice if you're no smelly. I'm still got a pong. Maybe if we think of it like a Scottish thing where it's like, now I'm smelly.

Ah, very good. Maybe that's it your scatological yet superlative pod has brightened up mine and my friends day to day life thank you however that life heavily features corporate jobs probably not dissimilar from Phil's sister's law firm

hashtag poor life choices open brackets poo life choices anyway not content with sending each other poor firm, hashtag poor life choices, open brackets, poo life choices. Anyway, not content with sending each other messages about pilots and inappropriate verb usage, we are now so immersed in your world that we're facing a daily struggle to avoid saying okay, thank you in a sarcastic manner in response to colleagues' basic bitch requests.

Furthermore, the desire to sign off even the most mundane of emails with keep jacking it has become overwhelming Please send help Or at least Create an equally catchy but less wank implicit Catchphrase, yours jackingly, Emma Well

I mean, look We've tried to We've tried to make this a more sophisticated podcast But it just doesn't last And we'd be lying to ourselves and lying to you yeah and it's and poo is funny it is funny

yeah I'm amazed people haven't been accidentally signing off normal emails keep jacking it yeah that's well done everyone yes yes I don't know if yeah I think there's plenty of things that could be That's a well done everyone. Yes. Yes.

It's, I don't know if, yeah, I think there's, there's plenty of things that could be a catchphrase, but there's not many. It's, it's our only sign off, isn't it?

Yeah, it is. It is our only sign off. And it does work. It does work. And it came about very organically and you, you can't, you can't find these things,

you know? Yeah, that's it. That's that's fair I think it's fair to say that we are at the mercy of the storm of Budpod yeah we can't control this thing we just try and steer it yes Budpod

is like a big leaky poo ship it's we just do our best to get it from port to port we can't quite control the route it takes I think that's true yeah I think that's we've still got quite a few emails to go

so if you emailed in don't worry we do read them all but don't be disheartened. We're just going through them. We'll absolutely get to them eventually. We will get to them. But yes, other than that, thanks for listening to DanePod or DanskaPod. Yeah.

I'm going to see if I can... DanePod. a pod yeah i'm gonna see if i can dame pod um i'm gonna see if i can call it dane pod but i can make the o have a line through it oh that'd be cool yeah yeah yeah okay yeah do that that sounds fun all right sweet um thank you everyone bye bye okay keep jacking it okay thank you keep jacking it