BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 210 - BNL

Episode Date: April 19, 2023

Wang has been seeing but not licking the lions in NYC! The Medieval Morality of Kenan and Kel, London Pride, sketch is Pierre's gym humiliation and correspondence from: Kyra, Clare, Ben's poocrobat experience and Marc's Italian student info. Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

it's bud pod 210 210 poo friends we're the poo friends that's the that's that's this podcast in a nutshell yeah i think i think that's fair in a butt shell um i think that would be how we would pivot if we we can't get on tv because we we're we're not sort of old people enough for bbc one we're not trendy gen z enough for the desperate attempts of bbc three so we're gonna have to pivot phil to a sort of cbbbies kids TV angle as Poo Friends. As Poo Friends. That would be the name of our kids TV show and you know what? It would be a smash hit. Can you imagine being a child and seeing

a show made by adults that was just out and out called Poo Friends? It would blow your head clean off. Although I think it would be tougher to be a kids celebrity than a real one how so because in the same way that kids tv presenters like the tabloids were constantly after exposing them for stuff in a way that they weren't if you were just like an adult entertainer

um yeah because it's like it matters way more to public opinion if like the guy from blue peter is doing blow of someone's bare ass because it's like that's who my child likes whereas you're saying these people are held up to our highest standard but not really by people it's it's the press makes a thing out of it i think and i that would you'd have more intrusion if you were a kid's star and there's that youtube guy mr plumpy or whatever the fuck some youtube clown for kids and he did he did a bunch of like edgelord comedy sketches under his real name like 10 years ago and they caused him loads of problems um yeah so it's high standards man yeah it's high yeah high stakes and um yeah and there's more money scrutiny more money there's more money in child nonsense like being a clown on youtube

those guys make more money than youtube comedians for sure wow yeah yeah yeah i mean parents are desperate to have something to just plop in front of their yeah little toads and kids get addicted yeah kids get obsessed uh so what's um i had lunch with a friend and she'd gone to a friend's house and um the kid was just watching a youtube show on on the eye on an ipad and my friends asked what are you watching there and the kid went i don't know youtube whoa is that gross is that horrible that's really gross i don't like that that's a sentence from the future isn't it i'm just gonna what are you eating there i don't know slurge uh you nutriblob you idiot um let me just adjust this for a second and make a weird noise

there um yeah just to go like i don't know tv but that's what it is for these little fuckers it's just tv well it's especially weird when you're a kid, you are so keenly aware of each individual TV show. Yeah, I want to watch Spider-Man at 7.30. Yeah, Spider-Man and friends. This is Spider-Man. An adult comes in and asks you, what's this? You're so excited to be able to tell them, this is spider-man and an adult comes in and asks you what's this you're so excited be able to tell them this is fairly odd parents this is yeah yeah a boogaloo bumpy this is plank

and buds or whatever because then you're you it's an invite to bring these adults into your exciting world that you want to share yeah and you and you want them to... I don't think I ever said just watching TV. Yeah, you want them to agree that it's good. Yes, desperately. How old is this terrifying child? I'm not sure. Old enough to speak, I suppose.

It's worse if that kid's five than if he's ten. Yeah. A surly ten-year-old, I i can imagine but a surly five year old is weird yeah that's upsetting to the weirder surly at five yeah what are you jaded from well i've um i'm not jaded pierre of new York, a concrete jungle where I went recently. You can fly there and fly back with different airlines. Some are cheap and some are not.

They will all get you there though it's up to you whether you value comfort comfort comfort yes that's right I was in New York for about 10 days

the big apple the big snapple itself the big zapple zoo's orc uh i i was at filming i'm i'm in i'm briefly in the next series of life and beth amy schumer's tv show which i was in um some of the first series of yeah playing a medical slash DJ character. That's right. And, well, maybe the character returns, who's to say? But I filmed that in, like, the first couple of days. I signed up to a gig in Brooklyn, like, the night I arrived.

Yeah, you told me you'd done that, and that's pretty big boy stuff. That's pretty, I'm going to walk from the plane onto the stage. Yeah, just want me just drive me straight there i said got in the taxi i said the stage please and he just drove through a building people screaming because it's new york he knew what you meant and was willing to do it yes yeah yes um so yeah but it's good it kind of got me into like into the time schedule, you know. You're supposed to do things that you normally do at that time of the day when you travel. So if you arrive at night, you should do things you do at night.

Have dinner, have some drinks. But then and if you're a comedian, maybe do a gig. Then your body's like, ah, this is nighttime. What material did you choose for the Yanke yankees because it doesn't all work they don't always know what we mean i did so i've currently routine now about hating having a king because it feels a lot more oppressive than having a queen and they love that they like that because the yanks love our royal family and they love to hear about them they love to hear about it yeah i opened by saying i'm currently here oh because i say i hate having a king so yes i've come to um america to escape the tyranny of a king in england has

that happened before just something just something for the locals i did get sleepy towards the end of my set, I have to say. And then after that, after I filmed, I just kind of hung around. I hung out. Oh, I went, Pierre, to Saturday Night Live. Whoa. They're not kidding. It films on a Saturday. And it's live?

And everyone is alive? Everyone is alive. It wasn't a single... single didn't cut in a single corpse what i know usually you're gonna see a show there's at least one dead body in there but at least in the corner yeah that's they just have so much money in the states wow they don't have to do writing and undertaking they can have separate jobs and so we so we went to rockimmune to rockefeller i went with my friend um my university friend who you know as well pierre mansoor shout out to mansoor shout out to mansoor one of the one of

the only other africans i encountered at at university socially yeah yeah and uh manso's doing great in the big shitty in new york and so we turn up to 30 rock 30 rock and we're taken into the building and got some escalators and get we go through some bleep bloop security and then they put us in this sort of waiting area yeah and this sort of like lobby area where all the the you know the audience members are just sitting around this weird lounge and you know the trays of free drinks and there's a dj in the corner just blasting music trying to get people's energies up just like ba ba ba new york for the for the audience yeah yeah yeah it's sort of like oh yeah so it's like a pre it's basically like a pre-show club

night but everyone's just all sat down sipping sprite but this guy's just going for it and the guy's good decent decent music so loud that i had to go and sit with manso on the far corner of the room um but eventually we were called and And even the lady whose job is just to corral people into the seats was a show woman. Hey, y'all, who's ready for Saturday Night Live? And people are like, yeah. And she has jokes. She's got like a little self-defacing attitude, but ultimately without American confidence. And she's just a lady who takes people

to her seat and she goes uh are you ready for molly shannon people like whoa molly shannon's the host for the night and she was uh she's like gold she was back in the old days she was part of this cast of snl and she became like a successful actor and who's ready for jonas brothers that's right pierre jonas brothers whoa guest yes phil did you take off your purity ring and throw it at them i don't think they'd appreciate that because they're good christian boys aren't they yeah they throw it back with a sniper like accuracy right back onto your finger they don't even look they just grab it without looking and just spin around and throw it back onto you. Straight onto my dick.

Like a shuriken. Yeah. They do it as part of a dance move. People can't even tell it's happened. So discreet. So then we're collected when it's our turn to queue up. And we turn off our phones

and we go up into the audience. And of course, I time our arrival into we go up into the audience and of course i time our arrival into the stalls at just the right moment that we are sat right on the side so that we're at a weird angle it's quite hard to see stuff that's going on in the middle for example the um weekend update but pierre crucially we're perfectly placed to watch jonas brothers oh good that's so i'm nice and close i can see the paws on them brothers faces you can feel the holy spirit coming off them in waves i can smell the incense bouncing off the guitar strings and and so the show starts and it's it's very cool the live band is amazing they're playing like throughout the playing before the show even is

even recording that live jazz band with the saxophone everything they're really good it's proper like jazz night and then the show starts and and yeah it so the show floor is a studio the show starts and and yeah it so the show floor is a studio and there are just sets just being rolled around non-stop there's like an army of crew just just rolling these flats and these backdrops and props and lights and cameras so many cameras it's logistically it's such an incredible achievement because the room is not big and yet all these cameras and sets and costumes and it doesn't look big no it's really small and every single thing you see there is made in that room where they show the monologue it's all in that room and so it's quite extraordinary to watch it all get put together and it's all done live so they only have the commercial breaks to or like the pre-recorded sketches to take down a set move people change their

costumes and move them to another so it's like what it's watching a theater show basically and it's good it's funny jonas brothers they start singing their song when it comes to them and i'm just me and mansoor we just have our hands faces in our hands just like this just and mansoor at one point goes are they singing about a waffle shop and they are one of the songs is about a waffle shop what it's about a fucking waffle shop meet you at the waffle shop i swear to god i swear to god oh wow okay and and i'm like god this is embarrassing for jonas brothers and i look over at the rest of the audience and they're just bobbing their heads they're snapping their fingers they're patting

their thighs they're like that is so gross i couldn't and i remembered oh yeah we're in america and i wanted to ask the audience are they like sort of kind of excited Midwest tourists? Are they all sort of from like, we're here from the Twin Cities. Like they got big raincoats on. They're just so jazzed to be in New York. A lot of people have been waiting months to come to the show. They've flown just for it. I, Pierre, actually got recognized in the pre-show audience nightclub.

Oh. A girl came over and said, are you Phil Wang? And I said, yeah, yeah. And they just, I think they just watched my special, but they'd flown in from Milwaukee just to watch SNL.

That is insane to me. Yeah. So I think that at that point, if you've put in that much effort, you're going to love it no matter what. You're going to tap along to the waffle song if you must yeah but it was cool to see we can update like the the backdrop fly in and see all the sets change and be up close to those cast members. The most amazing thing was seeing Kenan Thompson. When Kenan...

He's the best. He's the spine of... He's the backbone of that show. He holds it all together. He's so good in everything. Every sketch. He commits to everything. And of course, I grew up with him.

I watched him on all that. I watched him on Kenan and Kel. Yeah. And that was amazing. To be in the same room as Kenan Thompson was really cool. That's... Oh, man. What happened to the other guy as Kenan Thompson was really cool. That's, oh man. What happened to the other guy from Kenan and Kel? Does he still act?

Well, he made an appearance on 1SNL, I think last year, and people were like, yeah, woo! So I think he still is going, but he's just... He's around. He's around, drinking orange soda and eating ham. I tried to do stand-up one time about how the unspoken tragedy of Kenan and Kel was Kel's home life. Yeah, he had a horrible home life. He's quite clearly poor. He's always hungry and thirsty and at someone else's house. Yeah, he's from a really poor background, right? Yeah, he's got to be zany to survive this guy and then all

these weird nickelodeon like canned laughter just howling laughing at his hunger and his desperation for whatever ham keenan could sweep off the shop floor for him and just and the cheap the cheap calories of orange soda people would yeah people called him a fool people made fun of him but it's all he could afford cheap calories he lived in a food desert and people made fun of him it's like a character from it's like the laughter is as brutal as if it was like a play from like middle age middle ages china yes like a play called like the foolish hungry beggar or something or like all this these some of these plays were like they're played as comedy from the time like 1400s 1500s but as a modern audience when you read them you go fucking hell is the whole joke that this guy just has to clean

up the other guy's shit and you're like yeah that's the whole joke oh and the rest of the joke is that his hand doesn't work oh my god yeah it's like a brutal medieval comedy keenan and kelp yeah yeah yeah it is medieval because of the fatter one survives the fatter one the the wealthier ones are fatter and more full of nutrition and yeah and he resents the kind of crazy begging of the kind of whimsical traveling minstrel you know he's sort of he's funny in exchange for like scraps yeah um yeah but still you know this is why maybe we're not cut out for cbbs we're putting this level of uh tone in our kids shows well so were keenan and gal and they were very popular yeah you just gotta hide it yeah so yeah i've seen keenan thompson's super super cool and then we

finished the show and then my friend who works on the show who um who got me in was like met met us outside like hey phil we're going to the after party you're gonna come to that and i've heard of the snl after party it's famous from even the 70s it's famous but i did not know muggles like me were allowed to go um the test the test was they were watching to see if you enjoyed the jonas brothers because you didn't. They were like, okay, you can come. You can come. He's not like the rest of them. So they take us to this like,

like fancy sort of, like this fancy venue in downtown Manhattan. And it's like 1, 2 a.m. already because it films until 1 a.m. And they take us up this lift and enter this like big sort of cool bar and all these hot

people are there someone takes my coat bong in a butler way or in a New York charming thief way I was robbed in a sort of butler way and then

we get a couple of drinks and there's amazing views in New York. And then my contact friend is like, we're heading this way. And so I follow him. And I sort of without realizing walk into like a dining area where all the cast are. And I'm like, I should not be here.

Adam Scott was there from Parks and Rec. Whoa. Sarah Schneider was there. She used to be a head Adam Scott was there from Parks and Rec. Whoa. Sarah Schneider was there. She used to be a head writer of SNL, but I know her from before that. Do you remember College Humour? Yeah. Yeah. So I loved her when I watched College Humour back in

2008 when I was at university. And I was like, oh my god, Sarah Schneider. There was a gal from Succession there. There was... And. There was a gal from Succession there. There was... And Martin Short was a guest performer on SNL. And Martin Short turned up. That's fucking crazy.

Because he's like a royal figure. Yeah. Yeah. And everyone looks so fantastic. People were dressed like they were going to the Oscars. And they sat down for dinner. And there were waiters running around. Like 2am in the morning. Waiters running around with food and burgers and and

drinks and i just i just turned to manso and i said we should go really yeah i said we need to go the humble the humble reaction yeah i just i there were a couple people there i thought it'd be really cool to meet them but they sat down they're having chats i don't want to be the guy in the fucking jumper just leaning over hi bow and young i just want to say as an asian it's so good and they'll be like they snap their fingers and just get me taken out i don't want that to happen so i was just like you don't want to you don't want to slap martin martin's back as he takes a bite of hamburger how you doing marty it'd be a relief of garrulous and unprofessional. You're a fucking asshole.

Yeah, so as I said, let's just go. I'm not in a sad way. I was just like... It's very much a feeling of like, I've gone to the zoo, I've seen the lions, but I'm now worried one of them might pounce on me and eat my leg.

Well, I don't need to feed the lions. I don't need to go up and lick the lions. I don't need to lick the lions. Also, unless you're being gestured to that area with two empty chairs, it's no good to just be there. No, exactly. It's not good to be half invited. No one was inviting me to sit down yeah and i felt like i was interrupting someone's dinner so i just left also also there were there were a lot of the vast majority of guests there but the vast majority of people

at the party felt like hangers-on yeah and i did not want to be a hanger-on you didn't want to be perceived you'd already escaped one crowd of muggles and now you're just in a slightly higher echelon of muggle yeah it was very hard not to look like i'd won a competition to be there and i didn't want people to treat me like that so i just i just get addled do you think you could have broken america by by smashing loads and loads of plates out of a waiter's hand and then whenever and looked in the silence just screaming watch my netflix special and running out or just doing like a routine lawn michaels watch this so america is really different from the uk and i just see like really sort of kind

of middle of the road yeah Yeah, yeah, exactly. Ask him who he is and what he does for a living. But that was the most amazing. That was like, it was an experience, that kind of quintessentially American experience where you go, the UK can never offer this. There's nothing. The very top people in the uk try to get in america so they can might get involved in something like this

yeah this is like it's just another level it's hard enough finding somewhere in london that will serve you food after 11 p.m that's the first hurdle that's that's the lowest point on the list at this party there is no even if let's say hypothetically there's some version of something in the uk which had the money the same money as the same money in a 60 70 million country as a 350 million country it would still cost more to do it in the uk and eventually get cancelled because in the uk no one feels that anyone should experience something like that as in the after party as in the celebration yes yeah there's a general feeling get it every week they get this yeah every week every saturday night they have the most amazing party i've ever seen there is a general

feeling in the uk that things like that are bad they're bad you feel guilty for them they're a waste they're offensive they're rubbing it they're rubbing it in the faces of people who aren't even aware it's going on somehow yeah yeah and someone would take it upon themselves to tell everyone so everyone knew just how angry to be about something they didn't know was going on and had no business knowing anyway but it's generally a sort of anti which is like in some ways is good because it does mean that you you you have less tolerance in in many sectors for sort of truly grotesque behavior yeah it does mean that like if you want something that's you know really nice late at night it's you're not gonna get it no even a similar venue in

central london would just charge like 10 times the amount because the guy who runs it would be like uh i could do you some chips uh also they have to apply for a special like fucking permit from the council to stay open after 10 p.m that night yeah and they're just like i'll do some chips but i'm quite tired and i yeah uh can we not do it next week barry's barry's on holiday and i fucking yeah it's like how every single train station in the UK the second it hits like 4pm all the cafes any way to buy

something inside a train station just shuts and all the vending machines are broken it's the allergy to making money whereas the Americans will make money out of anything and that's a different floor but it does mean you can have a nice burger at 1am no it doesn't and new york is just littered with like all-night diners which are that's just the most magical most magical thing it's a 24-hour country

or at least it seems like that city the city that yeah the big cities certainly are or even then i mean the countryside films certainly give you the impression that you can go to the bibbly bunk diner on highway 60 whatever and maybe find something but yeah yeah um i'm glad that london is not as romanticized as new york the the new yorkers online are extremely annoying in their insistence that nowhere is as magical yeah that is very annoying the bodega stuff is very funny where every time they tweet about it there's this they're just getting dunked on over and over again because bodegas are basically just news agents with cats in yeah bodega is just a corner shop that's all it is and every there's so many

articles and tweets and fucking things about like, oh, they're New York, the only city in the world, the amazing bodega culture. Oh, wow. And just thousands of replies just going like, this is a newsagent. It's just, yeah, it's just an off-license to sell sandwiches. That's all it is.

I mean, look, the sandwiches and our newsagents are not good no no no not at all yeah the sandwiches have more meat they can be proud of that but the idea that the corner shop is uniquely New Yorkian is not true I often say this now you know I say I love

London and you know I mean that because there's nothing to be gained from saying you love London. And you know I mean that because there's nothing to be gained from saying you love London. There's absolutely nothing to be gained. It's quite unique among cities. It's not like Liverpool or New York or Manchester or any American city, to be honest, where there's a gang to be a part of. honest where where there's there's a gang to be a part of if you say yeah i love la or austin texas yee-haw or new york tough or liverpool beatles or manchester oasis london doesn't have that no there's no there's nothing you can say about london that even londoners are embarrassed

about being from london yeah so you know i mean it when i say i love london because i am not buying entry into any fun gang by saying that i love london if anything i'm just pissing off other people i didn't need to you're pissing off people who also live in London, mainly. It's like saying, I love Birmingham. You'll get no prizes for saying it. Although if you say, I love Birmingham, you'll at least get some sort of countercultural, like regional development prize from people who are so minded.

They'll go, good for you. It'll seem a bit healthy. I think they do get some cheers from other Birminghamians, Brummies. But the cheer is very much like they were in the middle of crying and they hear a celebrity from Birmingham go, I'm from Birmingham.

And they stop their crying to go, hey, you know what? Yeah. That's as good as they get, but it's still more than London. Yeah. They're not cheering even more having been cheering and laughing up till that point that's right yeah yeah

i mean london i guess what we have in london is like the most we have is north london south london yeah but even that's not civic pride it's just just a means people have invented to get angry at other Londoners despite being Londoners themselves. Yeah, do you prefer hills or houses with no more than two stories? Yeah. That's about it. Yeah.

Well, shall we do some Cori Spone dance? Do-do-da-boo-ba-boo-ba-boo-ba-boo The other day I was at the gym And I forgot I had a different appointment with my personal trainer So I tried to exercise on my own It was embarrassing Because I forgot to put the little things at the end of the weights. And I did a squat and I kind of tipped the weights and they almost fell off and people had to rush and help me. It was like I was exercising without my daddy there.

And I was humiliated in front of the muscly men. I felt a type of masculine shame. I felt a type of masculine shame Oh, and I had to thank them and looked like an idiot Even though the weight was pretty heavy Oh, what a sad day at the gym I tried to use the shame to lift even more weight And now I've had my bum Oh, oh, another day at the gym for me

Ring, letters, emails, let's read some letters Letters that make up words Let's read letters, vowels, consonants, and spaces. I guess, yeah, I guess you're always reading letters. It's true, yeah. Kyra says hello from Australia. Kyra. Kyra.

Kyra. Kyra. I was doing the accent from the off. G'day, Kyra. Kyra. Kyra. Kyra. I was doing the accent from the off. G'day, Kyra. Kyra says some very lovely things about the podcast. Listening retrospectively, I particularly enjoy Phil's early resistance to the poopery wankery

and his insistence that podcasts should not do live shows. Yeah. Bit by bit, this podcast has worn me down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On all my values. All your hardest tell, you know, you were so pro-murder initially. And anti-nuclear power.

Yes, yes. I also randomly think of Pierre getting angry at restaurant growers treating his hypothetical lisping son badly on a weekly basis. That is an incredible thing to get angry about. Lying in bed imagining someone being rude to a fictional son.

Getting angry enough to not fall asleep over it. Because I'm fucking insane. Kyra says because I'm fucking insane. Kara says, One night I drifted off to your soothing tones long before the sleep timer. I was jolted from that blissful sleep

by Phil repeatedly yelling, I fucked a dog. Oh, gosh, yeah. Like a psychotic alarm. It wasn't until a few days later I went back and re-listened to get some context. I'm not sure it made it any less disturbing. No.

And then some lovely praise redacted of both of our stand-up. Thanks to the great pod, Koji from Australia. Thank you, Kyra. Thanks, Kyra. And condolences to Claire, who couldn't come see us in Cambridge due to transport issues. Ah, yes. Sorry you can make it. Apologies. And then

a message from Ben. Ben. Ben speaks to the men. Ben does speak to the men. Ben says, Dear Phil and Pierre, Trad

Ishanel. Yeah, you got to reset from time to time. Thank you for the lovely podcast. It's our pleasure. You're welcome. I feel that it is a natural home for this strange tale of mysterious poo activity from my student

years nearly three decades past. This is a natural home for this strange tale of mysterious poo activity from my student years nearly three decades past. This is quite common, a tale from student years. But three decades, that's a prime, that's a hell of a vintage. Yeah, I want to really have mellowed out by now. We're like characters in some sort of thriller or short story where we get told this old repressed story just because we seem like the right people to hear it. Yeah. Yeah.

We have welcoming faces, understanding faces. In the latter half of 1995, I was a second year student in Edinburgh. Good town, good uni, good city. Good town. Good uni. Good city. Good times.

1995 Edinburgh. That's Irvine Welsh. Yeah. That's train spotting Edinburgh, baby. That's filth. Well, it's a poopy story, so we'll see. Sharing a flat on Leith Walk with two others. Let's call them

Bave and Alallan Bave and Alallan? Yeah Now I'm no code breaker Phil but I think I can guess their real names It's Ben and Andy So well it's Ben and

Bave and Alallan So Bave and I were. Oh, yeah, yeah. So Bave and I were friends from our small Scottish hometown. I was a teenage dafty aiming for a sad and intelligent persona. Bave was a teenage dafty and aspiring drug wizard. Drug wizard. Yeah.

Those are two good personas for 90s Edinburgh uni. Aspiring. Aspiring makes it sound like you got up early every morning and put on like a shirt and tie and went off to find drugs in the city. Some drugs. While Alan would like to sit with a can and watch the football

and would appreciate it if you Daphnes wouldn't mind being a wee bit quieter. The best thing about our flat was the, and he's capitalised this, girls upstairs. And this literally sounds like an Irvin Welsh book. This sounds like the gang in Trainspotting. Yeah, or like a kind of

the kind of sitcom that people say wouldn't get made anymore. Just a bunch of wee gays being dafties and some hot girls upstairs. Yeah, it's fucking Big Bang Theory. Yeah, men behaving badly.

The girls upstairs were our top floor neighbours, two flame-haired sisters from the Shetland Isles, and an exciting party girl hairdresser who wasn't even a student. Oh, wow. They were in the habit of unexpectedly visiting our premises, which was phenomenally exciting, but mortifying. To me, at least, because of the situation in our toilet. The situation in the toilet was repellent,

and I did not wish to repel the girls upstairs. No. Yeah. Although, girls should have a little more understanding for men's toilets that's us trying alright that's us doing our best

maybe maybe maybe not so it was repellent by way of poo streaks in the toilet bowl okay that's bad yeah I was not raised to abide a streak of poo no i like that sentence i mean the thing is if people do abide streaks of poo then they don't wipe then they're okay with staying there and it befalls it befalls to you is how it's phrased to clean it up because you're

the one affected by you're the one saying this isn't good enough. Yeah. Yeah. And we'll be tied in a young man who asks a fellow young man to do cleaning. Can you imagine? It's only possible through threats of sort of humiliation and violence. Yeah. Yeah. You could do it through bants and

pranks, but not through just a kind request. No, you can't just say sorry, can you just... Sorry, babe. Can you just... Sort this out. no you can't just sorry can you just sorry babe can you just sort this out girls coming over can you just wipe your shit stains off the toilet bowl i was thinking this the other day why have we chosen white for our toilets why didn't we just make it brown because then it would get cleaned even less oh i see i think it's white is in the same way that like the gloves of ceremonial soldiers are white, because it's to show you how disciplined and clean they are and their weapons are.

Right. It's sort of like you're saying to the world, the amount of maintenance necessary to maintain this marks me out as an exceptional individual. Yeah, that makes sense. Pride, Philip. Pride. It's me pointing at your toilet. Pride, boy! It was repellent by way of poo streaks in the toilet bowl. I was not raised to abide a streak of poo

and would clean them away. But this was not an occasional occurrence. The streaks multiplied faster than I could remove them. Our toilet bowl was being painted constantly, like that great railway bridge that was but a few miles from where I sat. The fourth bridge. It takes so long to paint that once you're done, you have to start repainting where you began.

I always thought they said that about the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. They say every bridge. They're always saying it about bridges. They do say that about every bridge. It's the same way people send us the fucking poo in a bag stuck in between two windows story every month or so. Right. It's the same. It's the same way people send us the fucking poo in a bag stuck in between two windows story every month or so right it's the same it's the same so when i demanded of my flatmates what's going on with their shitey streaks and the bog babe burst out laughing as alalan asked what shitey streaks

the monkey shitey streaks that are are all apologies for the accent scottish listeners but it's written in in a kind of urban welsh vernacular here so i've if i don't do the accent it must makes me seem insane the manky shitey streaks that are all over the bog every day sure you've noticed it's like armated shanks and limited edition zebra print i said brilliantly well it's nor me said Al Allen grabbing attendance from the fridge and turning on the TV mind I said I was watching the match tonight if you wouldn't mind keeping it down alright sunshine you're off the hook I said focusing on

bathe account for yourself man I love that yeah this is good this is very urban welsh i like this it was me said bave lighting the rolly pinched between his grinning lips can't believe you're bringing it up he's the he's the begby he's the begby of the he's the begby yeah he's he's all confident and and it's not dangerous it's not just that it's fucking mingmong, be of it, which is like manky or minging. Mingmong?

Yeah. Wow. What do you mean wow? Mingmong, I've never heard mingmong. Yeah, he says NB, mingmong was our variant of the word minging. Oh, fair enough. No, he's not saying like in a ricky gervais way you know no i didn't i just i thought you were saying it was a scots thing but i never

heard it oh it's just their in joke could be either way it's not just that it's fucking ming mong beavid it's because i need to know why why the streaks god damn it it doesn't need to be like this that's a funny thing to say about turd streaks. Just sit in the centre of the toilet seat, right down the middle. It's an easy target. No worries, no streaks. Straight into the water.

Plop's a good'un. No, no, no, Bave replied, wagging a finger. Wagging a finger. Plop is not a good'un. Plop is a wet bum. Plop is a cold bum.

Plop is piss water on the ball sack. Choose life. I was about to say. I was about to say. Choose a good end. Choose a wet bum. Choose a cold bum. Choose piss water on your ball sack.

But listen to this, Phil. And Bave continued, and that is why I swing my shit. Swing. Oh my lord. Bave went on to explain the swing and pinch technique that he had developed

to avoid splashing his bum when dropping his muck into the porcelain. Like one trapeze artist releasing another. Hup! Ho! Hup! Whoa! Yeah. Squait. He illustrated this by recreating the movement he employed to set his pendulous excretions in motion,

like a sedentary version of the twist. his pendulous excretions in motion like a sedentary version of the twist as my astonishment subsided I began to see the funny side and so did everyone I subsequently told about the foul shit swinging bastard you're a shit

swinging bastard? yeah you're a foul shit swinging bastard if I heard a Scottish person say that to another one I wouldn't even assume it was grounded in reality I'd just be like man they're good at swearing I subsequently told it also amused everyone I subsequently told about the foul shit swinging bastard including the girls

upstairs and all of our mutual friends and now you, Podbuds. Bave will now be around 46 or 47 years old. Last I heard, he was living in a hippie commune in the Canary Islands, possibly to escape his reputation and nicknames that included Shitswinger, Shaken Leavings, and Crapson Poolek.

Crapson? Oh, Jackson Pollock. Yeah. Shaken Leavings is very good. Shaken Stevens. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shaken Leavings is very good. Shaken Stevens. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Shaken Leavings. Keep on swinging it, Ben, from Sydney, Australia. Thanks, Ben.

Oh, Ben's in Sydney now. Yeah, he's... Scott in Sydney. He's gone to the land down under where the toilets sparkle and there's no bum chunder. And the shit swings in the opposite direction, of's no bum chunder. And the shit swings in the opposite direction, of course. Yeah, yeah.

In the southern hemisphere. Yeah, and you have to face the wall on the toilet. Thanks for the email, Ben. Oh, the subject line's funny. The shit in the pendelbum. Very good. Pit in the pendulum even rhymes.

Very good. Oh, pit. I don't know what the pit in the pendulum is. The pit in the Pendulum even rhymes. Very good. Oh, I don't know what the Pit in the Pendulum is. The Pit in the Pendulum. It's an Edgar Allan Poe horror story. Oh. I've not heard of that. Well, you better find it and spook yourself with it. I'm gonna get spookin'.

Spookin' with poetry. Scary stanzas. Yeah. I understand the guy's justification, but he still should clean up after himself. He was just distracting you with his acrobatics. Yeah, I mean, the cost of a

clean, dry bum and ball sack is you have to clean the toilet bowl. It's like the cost of a civilized society, you know. Yeah, we've all got to pay in, pay our dues. How forcefully was he... I don't know, man.

It depends on the height of the water, doesn't it? Is it in America or Germany where the water is, like, right below you? I think in America, the water seems to be pretty high up. It's very high. Yeah, it's kind of scary. It's too high. They really want seems to be pretty high up. It's very high. Yeah, it's kind of scary. It's too high.

They really want it to be like you're trying to interrogate your own nuts. Where are they? Where's all the spunk? Where is it? Where did you hide it? Just a normal poo um and a quick one from mark with a c mark with a c talk to me that's amazing because he's messaging us from italy oh wow there you go or he's messaging us about italy rather but talking to me maca with us muck with a c maca with a c um this one he's

gone formal hi pierre novelli and philip wang yeah formal quite frightening i feel like i'm in trouble yeah uh mark says i think we absolutely need a targeted ads whisperer to go with Tat Whisperer based on this week's episode. This is based on the one where we talked about the horse. Yeah, great. Is this a targeted ad? Criminal baby. Yeah.

So he says, Anyway, my main reason for this email is that my friend teaches in an international school in Italy and everything's in English. But the pupils are from all over the world. He has texted me to ask for some advice as he has to teach English literature students 16 to 18 a non-literary body of work by someone working in English. So he thought of comedy and the parameters were ideally not a middle-aged white guy and it should

cover modern issues like race, gender, politics, etc. I drew up a short list for him and we have agreed upon you guys, e.g. Phil's Netflix special and book, as he's got a lot of mixed heritage students and we thought it would be perfect. And I'm also throwing in some examples of your political discussions from the podcast. Physicians do not recommend. So just what you've always wanted,

a load of Italian teenagers being forced to become fans. Praise you, Mark. Oh, fantastic. They can be entertained by stories about a poo and a wee. A poo and a wee. That's what an honor. Thank you so much, Mark, for introducing us to Italian teens. To my paisani my fellow italians right it's paisan like friend

it's it's paisano or paisana it's like fellow countrymen or i think it might literally just be like peasant like anyway um i think there should be a vowel at the end it's just the sopranos doing the thing where their dialect removes the vowel the sopranos did the thing have you seen that clip? the soprans, what clip's that?

Ariana DeBose at the Brits, she did a very weird rap about the various people at the Brits that sounds horrible it'd be like rap about the various people at the Brits and the bit that went That sounds horrible. Yeah, it was you know, it'd be like, I don't know Timothee Chalamet, it's in the movie

and blah blah blah and I think, sorry, it was about women I think it was about the ladies nominated, so like, Michelle Yeoh, now she's the queen, and then but the line that went viral was her singing about ah, this is going to be, this is going to annoy people who are screaming the name now, I can never remember But the line that went viral was a singing about...

Ah, this is going to annoy people who are screaming the name now. I can never remember the... Angela Bassett. The actor Angela Bassett, who was in Black Panther. Ariana DeBose goes, Angela Bassett did the thing. But not specifying what the thing is. And so that's become viral now right um so

people are sometimes going look at me i did the thing or but but but she says angela bassett in a very strange way she goes angela bassett did the thing angela bassett like that it's quite a mesmerizing bit of footage i do recommend it it thing. Well, Phil, now it's time to go to the true VIP after party of the bonus pod. Oh, okay, great. Yes, see you patrons there. Yeah. And until next week. Oh, please remember, I'm on tour.

I'm on tour. Go to Phil and Dakota UK. Yes, Wang's on tour. And I'm going for the first time to Dublin and Belfast on the

island of Ireland so if you're in there please come and please come if you're in the UK bye bye