BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 213 - BUTTONS!!!

Episode Date: May 10, 2023

Penny's sword, guardsman of the alleyway, music videos, Matt's tat, unreliable narrators in sexy music lyrics Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod 213. 213, you, come see, come see. Come? You, come see, come see, come see. You, come see. How would you react if you were just walking along and then someone just pointed at you? You, come see. And then they gestured down an alley.

Whoa. What do they look like? Like normal, fine. Professional, like clean i need i need age i need i need i need all i need all um in my in my head anyone who says you come see and gestures like that with their hand flap flap 40 year old man um yeah in like just like a shirt and jumper okay he's just like james acaster but he's a 40 year old man you know what's you know what's weird i would trust a middle eastern looking guy more than someone who dresses like james acaster well no like like a like a if the guy looked like he

was from the middle east or north africa yeah for me it makes sense for someone from that background because they yeah because that's a normal thing to say come come come come come see right but like i'll be like oh okay that makes more sense coming from you whereas if it was like a posh english white guy i'd be like i'm about to get fucking murdered come you there come come see like oh what have you done no she was just a girl some patrick bateman shit in fact i'll expand that any anyone from anyone who looks like they could not have english as their first language yeah i trusted more yeah okay sure because then you go oh that's less of an insane phrasing whereas if they have a tangibly british accent

what if they were dressed as like royal guard? Like horse guard? What with a big... Yeah, big tall hat. Oh, you mean a guardsman? Ah. You, come see. Well, it's my royal duty, isn't it? I guess so. Yeah.

But then you're like, are they supposed to talk? Is that a real one? Come see what? You need my help? That can't be good. You need someone to go through a doorway and you can't because your hat's too big that could be it yeah i would i would trust yeah i i i realized actually here's this is tangentially related i realized the other day that all my all my my my barber my barbers whichever ones i i get

it's a team job yeah yeah it's like a pit stop scalpel like it's very serious yeah like a pit stop you have to anesthetize you Yeah, otherwise I thrash too much. Oh, no, yeah, it's like a pit stop, like super quick. Yeah. So any of the barbers, of the group of barbers I go to, and all my last dentist and my current dentist, and even if they give me the substitute dentist, they're all Iranian. Right.

Or at the very least Persian in the sense that they speak Farsi or Persian as a language so I was like how's that happened and now I have this idea in my head because this is how human biases develop in my head I now have an opinion on Iranian barbers and dentists which is that they're good right okay I've no basis for that um well it's because they're the ones you've had right exactly yeah it's it's called and they are good it's the availability heuristic oh malcolm gladwell i think this is a this is a what's his face why i always call it kahneman this is kahneman again availability heuristic you you assume a pattern from from what

you have with the information you have available to you yeah it's limited data i guess but they are good and now in my head i'm like you want to get yourself an iranian yeah that's like an opinion i have now yeah and it's useless and hollow hollow opinion most most most recommendations people give to each other about anything are usually just the thing they had there There's no reason for them to believe it's better than any other option, but it's just the one they had. If someone really, really recommends something to you and it's something you know a bit about, it's the most annoying thing in the world

to very gently prod their recommendation a bit and then it falls apart. You just think, really, you were about to send me down that alleyway with that guardsman because the last time it happened to you, you got an ice cream cone. And this time they were going to stab me. Yeah, yeah. What would you go?

I'd probably go. If a guardsman was like, come here. I'd be like, yeah, sure. But I'd keep my distance and I'd try and make a wide circle around to see what's down the alley. You'd go parabolic. Yeah. You'd go, yeah, you'd, yeah, yeah, that's good,

a sort of half circle. Yeah, if I could. Peeking around. Sure, I'll be right there, buddy, as you lean. Because he's armed as well. Oh, is this guy armed? Is he not, are they not armed?

Well, yeah, but you, you know, they don't just get to walk around London. This one does. Oh. This one does. That's what he wants to come see. Yeah, come see. Roving Queen's Guard.

King's Guard. He said, come see. And then you're like, all right, you walk down the alley and he looked around and he just like, isn't this outfit cool?

And he just shows off his buttons and his... Look how shiny these are. Okay, that's it. Okay. Bye. Go away. And he like,

shoes me out You're like Don't shoot me Fuck you You asked me over You asked me over And this didn't need to be in an alleyway Okay, you can go now

I can go Maybe you can go This is very much like your waiter who was rude to your son suddenly getting angry about this imaginary guardsman yeah getting angry about an imaginary imaginary buckingham palace guardsman luring me into an alleyway just to show off buttons he could easily have shown off in the street i would yeah and then and then no i'm not annoyed at any of that i'm baffled by that buttons he could easily have shown off in the street.

I'm not annoyed at any of that. I'm baffled by that. I'm annoyed at how brusque he is once he's had his fun. Okay, you can go. Fuck off. Fuck off. You can go. How about that? You're not the god of the alleyway are you are you are you are you um i'm a little i'm a little stinky today because i haven't showered beer

yeah because um i slept through my alarm you've never which is rare for you i rarely sleep through my alarm um i usually put a couple on but recently i've become confident enough in my ability to wake up that I'm like one alarm will do and I set my alarm for 830 yes I know that's luxurious but not an hour appears that's that's basically 4 a.m. for a comedian yeah and I said for 830 and this works been done in the house next door so I put on my blindfolds like i must be what seven or something like that catch another hour and then i don't know what time it is i don't know how much i've got left and i looked over and it was 10 a.m and i was like fuck because i had to go be interviewed by john snow pier Pierre. Yeah. Of Channel 4.

Previously of Channel 4. Previously of Channel 4. Fun clip to look up of Jon Snow is him inhaling a balloon full of skunk smoke. Oh, skunk smoke as in weed. Yeah. Really? Yeah, for a news report. And he gets a bit high.

Yeah, yeah. Wow. It was to be like, ah, this is too strong. This is dangerous stuff. And it's like, yeah. Oh my gosh. Yeah, it's funny. Oh man, I need to watch that. He was always be like, ah, this is too strong. This is dangerous stuff. And it's like, yeah. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, it's funny. Oh, man, I need to watch that.

He was always the renegade. Now explain why he was eating so much pizza when I turned up. Yeah, you showed up and he offered you a bifter. He didn't. He didn't. He didn't. He didn't. He just nudged Phil and said, do you like to party?

And you said no. And he said, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. No, me neither. And then't. He didn't. He just nudged Phil and said, do you like to party? And you said no. And he said, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. No, me neither. And then he quickly shut a drawer behind him. But yeah, I got a little interview from Jon Snow, which I was very surprised to get the invite for. Did he ask you why you were stinky? Why I was stinky? He said, yeah, Phil, why do you stink so bad?

Why do you smell like one big armpit walking around? But he was really nice. But that's why I had to get out of my home. I couldn't shower. I'd just jump on the train. And so now I'm stanky and I'm itchy. My head's itchy if I haven't showered. Really?

My scalp's itchy. Your scalp's itchy? My scalp is itchy if I don't shower. Why? Yeah, what's that about? I don't know. I haven't showered. Really? My scalp's itchy. Your scalp's itchy? My scalp is itchy if I don't shower. Why? Yeah, what's that about? I don't know. I thought everyone's was. I don't think mine is.

I just have, like, greasy hair. Maybe my scalp has, like, learned to need shampoo, or it's not happy. Yeah, it's like an alert. Yeah. Yeah, so I feel... Yeah, i still feel like i haven't properly woken up because i haven't had my shower well yeah because your body you feel as though you go like well i haven't been cleansed by holy water so i could be back in bed immediately sleep hasn't been washed off me yet the night has not been washed from my skin

but we maybe you're just tired from we've done a big old leg of tour yeah we got back yesterday from newcastle we did birmingham birmingham dundee that was quite seven hour drive baby um shout out to paul the tour paul for driving all that and making it feel not that long actually yeah birmingham dundee edinburgh newcastle all fabulous shows i can't believe birmingham was this week i feel it feels like so this last week it feels like last month yeah but they're all superb shows and the audiences are great thank you to everyone who came out koji to all the kojis yeah um i do have to put out another request that um no kojis are shouted during the show uh we had one koji shout out during edinburgh and um it's always nice to hear

from a pod bud but i did have to explain spend a couple of minutes explained everyone well i had to spend a couple of minutes figuring out what the pod bud had said because when you're not expecting it it does just sound like oh yeah it's like uh you look at the freddie mercury's in the crowd in his yellow jacket all right fred i'm on stage now no need for you to pipe up um so yeah so i um if it's okay no no no no injis, but at the end, please, go for it if you want. At the end, maybe at the beginning, like right as you're coming out? Or do you want to leave that smooth? Even then, the person next to you might be, for the whole show, unable to concentrate because they're like,

what was that they shouted right at the beginning? Was it a racial thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah, got it. Imagine if our catchphrase was something even more misinterpretable um okay yeah that's fair i mean it was yeah it's more about this is the thing with audiences is that it's more about our worries about the rest of the crowd it's not a worry about us or the person no of course that's fine but it's like when there's a young kid in a show yeah and you have to say okay you can't be in the front row because the kid and the parents like no no the kid's fine

the kid's not like yeah they can handle it he's cool yeah kid's cool kid's cool and you're like no no it's just everyone else before they laugh will quickly glance over at the kid and if the kid's not laughing or if it's laughing too much yeah either way they'll just be like well or even like hearing like a risque joke with a child in their field of vision just makes them a little uncomfortable they'll tense up they'll laugh a bit less so the problem as ever is not with individuals who are mature enough to make their own decisions the problem is with people's reactions to those decisions yeah so if there's a young if there's someone young in the audience you you have to sit them out of out of sight yeah and the same with koji it's not about shouting koji being bad it's about the people around you being like yeah like you say is that a racial really funny

have they gone and learned some really niche like borneo slur just to upset you uh but yeah we ended at uh newcastle last night at a town opera time theater opera house beautiful room very nice very lovely crowd it was two nights ago my friend handsome town newcastle but it's a beautiful town newcastle i love newcastle I think people I think people sleep on Newcastle to use modern talents they sleep on it it's a sexy city

people are sleeping on Newcastle it's a beautiful city very cultured very funny very smart it was the best audience I think

they were great they were great all the audiences have been good but Newcastle was very quick at least for for me

very on it and I think Newcastle has that sort of surrealist uh edge to them yeah like a viz and stuff and yeah north of England noble and all that kind of kind of more surreal uh uh tendency yeah north of England man yeah yeah yeah yeah they can be quite surreal um we saw the coronation kind of oh yeah hotel room we watched the coronation on a hotel room tv yeah uh me and phil were lying on the hotel bed like that old couple in titanic when they let themselves die water laughing holding hands around royal water yeah watching penny mordant hold that sword yeah jacking it jacking it and going in and drowning

yeah it happened it seemed to go to plan penny mordant people i've i've been a fan of penny mordant for a while yeah penny mordant has got it i think i joked about when when liz truss was still prime minister i was talking about and she was failing and i had this joke i did a version of it on the last leg where i was like this is what you get if i get making her prime minister just because she's fit and and then i when i did it live i was like and then we've got penny more coming up another slammer uh but it doesn't but she stole the show old penny that dress it was um it was the most like comic-con yes uh the coronation got the whole thing's quite comic-con it was very comic-con it was like uh english establishment comic-con yeah and a lot

of establishment comic-con yeah and i saw people online commenting on how the really like sort of priceless crown jewels do look quite i mean i said this at the time they look quite costume jewelry ish yeah it turns out real gold looks kind of tacky yeah yeah but it looks trumpian yes but it's the thing is is that the treasures are so ancient that they're from the trump like medieval kings were very donald are so ancient that they're from the Trump... Medieval kings were very Donald Trump-esque. Yeah, they're from the real time that Donald Trump tries to emulate. Yeah, it's not about subtlety, because the medieval times it was like,

well, if I don't show loads of golden jewels, they're going to try and fucking kill me. They're going to cut my head off. This guy's losing his touch. Did you see how few rubies were encrusted on that goblet yeah what is he out of bankrupt it was only once you you get to like later on that you can sort of go ah a simple silver bowl but epony morden had to hold a big sword for a bejeweled sword called the Sword of State, for like an hour. And you can see her arms, she's like...

Yeah, I wonder how heavy it was. She's basically clanking for an hour. I wonder how heavy it was, do you know? I think it was one and a half kilograms. Yeah, and it doesn't sound like a lot, but if you have to hold one and a half kilos there for an hour... Yeah, at the right angles. At the right angle yeah no dipping yeah was it yeah yeah that sounds about right and and also it's long so you've got

a moment right the moment but it's trying to turn your arm it's not just like holding a one and a half kilo sphere where you're just going to hold that you're also having to keep it balanced and keep it upright yes that's true i I wonder if it's new fitness, coronation fitness. It is a bit like those weird, you've seen the ads for them, the shaking kind of, it looks like you're joking someone off.

The wanking simulators. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For making sure that you're better at wanking people off. That was the position she was holding, had to hold it in. Yeah, it sure was, Phil. Yeah, I never,

I wonder how many of those they sold really the swords of state the swords of state yeah the little wanky machines the wankatrons because they're so so immediately obviously

sexual in my opinion you'd have to be Ned Flanders to look at that and go, well, it's just a charming fitness device. Really, you can't see what this seems like. Come on, Ned. We didn't, neither of us said the oath out loud along with the congregation.

Do let us know if you did, if your family swore allegiance to the king out loud I didn't, I'm just keeping my options open I'm not saying I hate him I'm not saying I hate the monarchy I'm just keeping my options open you don't know who's going to invade

you don't know if a challenger king is going to arrive or anything so I'm just keeping my options open Phil is holding out for a Habsburg I need a Habsburg. I need a Habsburg! I need a Habsburg to rule me to the end of my life.

And they've got to be weird and they've got to have they've got to be weird and they've got to have that thing where they've got like a weird jaw. Oh yeah. Habsburg chin. And they've got to be in jaw. Oh yeah. Habsburg chin. And they're guarded be inbred. And take their sister for a wife.

Thank you. I need a Habsburg. There's still about 600 of them. Habsburgs? Yeah. Nice. They're like rabbits. What do they do now? Wander about being rich and mostly. Sometimes not rich,

sometimes rich. There's 600 of them. They can't all be rich. No. So there'll be minor Habsburgs and... Phil's just fiddling with his mic and he went driving. We always get people going, I was driving my car and I thought bits were falling off. Yes, I didn't swear my allegiance to the king.

No, it didn't feel necessary, given that it doesn't matter if we do or we don't. No. No. No, it's like saying grace or something. The concert looked like something out of hell. I didn't even watch it. Tell me more.

Well, I mean, imagine one day you're crowned. Yeah. Well, I mean, imagine one day you're crowned king of England, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland. Yeah, and Canada and Australia and blah, blah, blah. Oh, and the Commonwealth and head of the Commonwealth and head of the armed forces and all this, right? And then on a chair from the 13th century that has like fucking, I don't know king edward's graffiti on it yeah like he signed his name king ed forever on it and you're sitting on it and you're sitting on the stone of destiny that's come down from scotland and you're in westminster abbey and you're being anointed with holy oil by uh the archbishop of canter. And Penny Mordant is holding a sword.

Sexually near you. Sexually near you. And all these bishops are there, all the various community leaders are there to swear their allegiance. And people are there basically saying, you are our conduit to God. And then the next day you have to watch ollie murs no was it ollie murs katie perry

lionel richie not bad okay not bad but also more of charles's generation yeah at least he's yeah that makes a bit more sense and then a bunch of fucking light up drones making the shape of a corgi or whatever and then i mean it's it's sublime to ridiculous but i guess that's what a royal life is why it's sublime and ridiculous yeah i guess they when you're organizing the royal concert you you're sort of thinking well the last thing we can do is actually organize stuff that this guy likes because it isn't broadcastable yeah a blood orgy they're basically they're sitting there going okay it'll be like dancing to music that will

mean the whole world goes really you like that it'll mean like whatever the food is weird or like the special guest speakers are like i mean he's dead now but it'll be someone weird like lawrence van der post the the nature poet and all right a hippie medicine guy and it'll be like everyone around the world will be like oh wow so they just have to go okay we need a concert of things that the people like and that so they can watch the king will be like, oh, what? So they just have to go, okay, we need a concert of things that the people like so they can watch the king pretend to like it as well. Yeah, yeah. So we'll do that because that's actually more reinforcing for the monarchy

than letting everyone know that, like, what the king really wants to do is just to sit in a big bath and have the goon show played for him because he loves the goons. Yeah. And read a big book about soil erosion. Yeah. That's his... He wants to jump on a Greenpeace

wagon. And listen to Spike Milligan. Yeah, he doesn't want to sit there and say, I love Oliver Murr. It's a particular favourite of mine. Nonsense. And Catherine Perry. Catherine Perry.

Why is Katy Perry there? Why is she at the coronation? I don't even... She didn't date either of the princes ever, did she? No. Why is she there?

I don't know. They just... Did somebody say Just Eat? Is that why she's there? And so Snoop of Dog as well. Maybe it's just literally there Because Prince Charles is like I like when the whipped cream Shoots from her breasts

Little video clip Do they ask the king at all For his own choices What he likes They can't Because we've seen some sign of that i think basically the main issue is who's willing to do it right yeah every time they organize a royal whatever it's a less hard version of donald trump's inauguration where like no one agreed to do it apart from like the mississippi seven banjo troop

you know a hitler impersonator kid rock kid rock yeah yeah kid rock a hitler impersonator and and some sort of alt-right accordion band there's a there's a video of Kid Rock. So Bud Light had a drag queen spokesperson on the can for a bit. So a bunch of the cans had this drag queen on it. And obviously this angered a lot of Bud Light devotees, including Kid Rock. The kid. The kid who filmed a video of himself With one of his guns Shooting a tin of Bud Light A load of beer

I shoot the beer Which I presumably bought and paid for I shoot the beer That's what I think I hate it so much I shoot it Just the things Saddam Hussein would do It it's like a video isis would make kid rock with one finger pointing at the sky what is that the one true god oh you see it in all the

isis videos right all the pointing all the time there will be more canned shot we declare I'd love to see Kid Rock do it it'd be so funny I'd love to see it ISIS style hey chatGBT make me an ISIS video featuring Kid Rock all his videos he's pointing towards Alabama

wherever he is sweet home I will do it for the sweet home Alabama mayama may its home always be sweet kid rock is unavailable he is on hajj to alabama his sweet home well that's a some there's some funny jokes online about how similar the the the craziest republicans are to just like wanting sharia law and yeah like they're the same well they're ideologues yeah but like specifically it's about like women dressing modestly and ah like they're literally the same yeah except for the booze like they want a church and state mixed and they you know on and on and on um and i've seen them referred to as the y'all

kaida that's funny yeah y'all kaida is good y'all kaida is great and then there seen them referred to as the Yal-Qaeda that's funny Yal-Qaeda is good and then there was another one to do with Taliban I can't remember but yeah Yal-Qaeda is very funny and like pictures of them in pickup trucks you know with American flags flying and like waving AR-15s

and pictures of the Taliban in their pickup trucks with their flag waving their assault rifles. And you go, oh, God. Mm-hmm. Ooh. Yeah. It's almost like unemployed young men are a dangerous thing to have too many of.

Well, yeah, and also just religious extremism. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's a big part of it too, I guess. But why was Katy Perry there? Why? We can't let her get away with this. Why?

King Charles just want to bang her? Well, Katy Perry and Nicole Schlesinger, who was also there, and has become like an honorary Brit. Why? All the pussycat dolls have slowly trickled over to the United Kingdom, quietly,

over the last two decades or whatever. I don't know why. Like, you'll be watching Pointless Celebrities, and one of the minor Pussycat Dolls is on it. Do you think that they were bigger here than in the States? Because they were massive here. Were they? Yeah.

Maybe. Well, there's also Lewis Hamilton, I guess, when she married Lewis Hamilton, so she had that British connection. But then they broke up and she still hung around. She's kind of like a Madonna. She's a lesser Madonna. I think she'll be bigger here than in the States.

Probably, yeah, at this point, for sure. Man, one of my formative memories is... I have to tell this story at a boarding school when Buttons, that video was out, the Pussycat Dolls. Oh, yeah? of my formative memories is i have told the story at boarding school when um buttons the that's a video was out the pussycat dolls oh yeah loosen up my buttons babe they're very sexy video all these songs are in some dusty hard drive in my brain that i never access voluntarily but yeah i remember that mine isn't dusty no it's sticky yeah walking through tree crusty um crusty hard drive but i bought i was at boarding school in brunette

at the time and it was it was understood that it's in in the big our common area was this big hall in the middle of the complex and there was you know ping pong tables and table football and like um you know hot tea hot drinks bits and snacks and stuff and you sit around your lines around the surface and in the corner was a tv and while buttons was on the music video circuit on mtv or channel v or whatever it was it was understood that if there's a boy watching tv and buttons came on he had to shout buttons and so i remember the beacons yeah i really was and so i so vividly remember being sad you know sat down somewhere in the hall having a snack or hanging out or something, and a younger boy in the corner just goes,

Buttons! And all the boys, like Stampede, would run over to the TV. All radio erect. As you're sprinting. We'd just stand there and we'd just watch in silence. Watch them dancing. Watch them...

In fucking 2005 video quality. And then the song would finish and then we'd just sort of slowly return to our activities. And the little boy would be congratulated on his good guardsmanship. He'd be like the boy who cried buttons.

Like a shepherd boy. Yeah. Buttons! Good work. Buttons! It's a very important video. That and Dirty. The Dirty was a very important video.

Yeah, I remember that one. I'm a slave for you, Britney Spears. I think she was just kind of... Did that come after Dirty? It felt a bit like she was trying to catch up with Dirty. Yeah. I'm a slave for you, Britney Spears. I think she was just kind of... Did that come after Dirty? It felt a bit like she was trying to catch up with Dirty. Yeah. I'm a slave for you. But I mean, it's just very, very funny to picture a crowd of boys watching that so far from its origin point.

Yeah. It's a real world media still. That's the reason I find it hard to believe they weren't big in the States because they were so big they were big in malaysia too but yeah maybe they're especially big here i think it must be because like people would just stay where they have profile right like hasselhoff is in germany or something right yeah like there'd just be a one country that's particularly takes you to its heart maybe that's us and the pussycat dolls and we clearly like a big a lot of people in a in a in a band and like we like a nest club seven we like a vague music group yeah we like a big music group where we know the names of two maybe usually one i mean

gun to the head not a single person in this country can name anyone aside from Nicole Schlesinger who is in Pussycat Dolls. I can't name any. I barely know who that is. I'd be dead. She's the tallest one. She's very much like, you know,

in Kudos and Kang. Is it Kudos and Kang? No, it's the Omicron Percy I ate from Futurama. Why doesn't the tallest Pussycat Doll simply eat the others? I thought that was The Simpsons. ate from Futurama why doesn't the tallest pussycat doll simply eat the others I thought that was I thought it was the Simpsons no Futurama

I could have sworn it was good as a gang no it's it's the guys from Omicron Percy I ate watching Friends because they get the TV broadcasts late

yeah and they go why doesn't Ross the largest friend simply eat the others yeah yeah yeah that's very much the Nicole why doesn't she eat

the rest of the pussycat dolls I have to I have to put this to bed why doesn't Ross eat the others yeah yeah yeah that's very much the nicole uh but why doesn't she eat the rest of the pussycat dolls i have to i have to put this to bed why doesn't ross eat the others yeah it's omicron because then there's they they go and make them remake uh that lawyer yeah absolutely yeah you're totally right yeah yeah phil tries to tangle with an artist's memory for cartoons and he doesn't come off so well in In my head it's so clearly Kudos. They're called Kudos and Kang, aren't they? Kodos. Kodos and Kang.

Yeah. Don't blame me. I voted for Kodos. That's what Homer says. Speaking of intergalactic signals barely reaching a couple of monsters, let's do some correspondence. Yes, let's.

Ring rings. Keep emails. Email buzz. Yes, let's. Ring letters. Keep emails. Email. Email. Phone. Calligraphy. Tweet. Dexing.

Your sister. Keep a street in my field. To whom you find. Ring letters. Correspondence. We've got some tat from Matt. Matt tat all on the floor. Matt tat, give me some more.

Matt tat, till you get sore. Matt tat, oh me some more. Matt Tat, till you get sore. Matt Tat, oh. Till you get sore. Was that the line? Yeah. Slap and smack that. Till you get sore. Yeah.

Damn. Because he's smacking that. Yeah, but he's like, this ass is so resilient. Yeah. My hand's hurting before this ass. No, he's talking about her getting sore, isn't he? No, he's saying smack that to her smack that all on the floor smack that give me some more smack that till you get sore it's always about it's about her getting so she's making her own ass yeah what who is he

talking about is he's is is he is he's she's smacking herself onto him? Yeah. Is he saying, smack that, that being. All on the floor. Well, I mean, if she's literally smacking her ass onto the ground, she's trying to get sore at some point. She's trying to knock a poo loose. Like a ketchup bottle. Yeah, like a big jar.

Smack it all on the floor this is why i don't i never liked any of this music growing up because i was just like it doesn't make it i don't yeah yeah yeah who is talking about who who me i smack who's getting on the floor okay i'm in the in the sexy r&b big concert where everyone else is dancing and being sexy, I'm the one guy with his hand raised. Excuse me. I have a question. I always wondered in these songs with these various appeals to shake one's body and move on the floor, where the singer is when this is happening.

Are they watching from some sort of observation deck and going, good, good. Are they dancing with you? It feels very much like they're just observing you like like now do this like the truman show or something you're in an umpire's chair like a tennis one wanking in the middle of the dance floor yes yes tonight's gonna be a good night now drop yeah dressed in tennis white Shorty got low, low, low, low

Yes, low, good He's just pointing, it's like where's Wally Apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur He's just pointing at individual people The whole club's looking at her Yeah It's weird, it's like they're going I'm gonna be a sexy narrator

The whole club's looking at her, this song's in the third person Yeah So he's now talking to someone else about this girl who's getting a lot of attention It's weird. It's like they're going, I'm going to be a sexy narrator. The whole club's looking at her. This song's in the third person. Yeah. So he's not talking to someone else about this girl who's getting a lot of attention. You want to say to the singer, sorry, were you not there? Is this... Has this song been passed down through oral tradition? Is this third hand? Is this like people saying, and Achilles rode round the gates of Troy?

Well, you weren't there. Yeah. Achilles rode around the gates of Troy. Well, you weren't there. Just how sure are we how good these asses were? Yeah, it's like gospel writing. He's writing about later on and all different perspectives. Yeah, that's it. And they go, well, look, the Aramaic word to describe a big jiggly ass, it's very hard to put into Greek. And so the transmission of the manuscripts...

You've actually lost some of the meaning. We've lost some of the meaning. People thought that it meant that the ass of the gene smelled of apples. But that's not it. It was that there was something to do with the shape. There's a lot of debate. Yeah, the ass wasn't actually meant to get sore. The Aramaic word for sore actually meant sort of accomplished

or sort of tired, but in a good way. End of a process, not feeling. Yeah, it wasn't necessarily painful, but that's the closest word we had was sore. And so now people think she'd hurt us. 600 years, this will be like English faculty stuff at a uni yeah for sure yeah about about pop about pop linguistics definitely yeah eminem will be a whole module maybe not undeservedly to be fair no yeah i did one of his latest ones i don't know he's yelling at machine gun kelly or something you better have

bars if you're going to pull up. Okay. I just thought that's great. The second he said that, I was like, that's a whole week of GCSE English. That is good. You don't have bars if you're going to pull up and also pull up and bars and bars. Yeah, there's a great Kendrick Lamar.

It's like a quad pun. Yeah, there's a great Kendrick Lamar lyric in King Kunta, which is like um ah he's ah he's got more stolen he's got he's not oh yeah that's it he shares so he's complaining about um rappers who have their lyrics written for them yeah um and he says he's sharing bars like they've got the sharing bars like they've got the bottom bunk in a two-man cell oh nice it's a bars bars and splitting bars and sharing bars and stealing rhymes and stealing lyrics these people are imprisoned by their lack of talent yeah yeah but also just i've heard people say bars bars bars

just when someone says something very eloquent or good it's just very funny thing i think to say if someone says something good just go bars bars yeah um i'm gonna start saying bards like you're a bard bard yeah you're like a bard if you see yeah you go you go to a good production of uh as you like it and at the end he was like, Bards, bards, bards, bards, bards. I'm like flicking my fingers in the air. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bards, bards, bards. Verse, verse, verse. Verily.

So Matt's tat. Matt's tat, yeah. Hello, Budmasters. I like that. Yeah, the Budmasters General. I thought you would appreciate... The Budmasters General. Budmasters General. Yes, that's what it would be. I like that. Yeah, the Budmasters General. I thought you would appreciate... The Budmasters General. Budmasters General.

Yes, that's it. I guess it would be. The Budmasters General. Thought you would appreciate these pics of a tat filled gents in St. Albans. Ooh. Gents. Really? Yeah.

A tat in the men's room. St. Albans, though. So it'll be a sort of tatty gastropub I bet Right yeah All I could think while abluting was Pierre going Yo-yo-yo Eh? Oh that's it

Oh of course Now I know how to spell it I'll take that It's Y-O-Y hyphen U hyphen Y-O-Y Oh, of course. Now I know how to spell it. I'll take that. It's Y-O-Y hyphen U hyphen Y-O-Y. We've never seen didgeridoo written down. No, and now finally it has sheet music. Oy, oy, oy. Yeah.

We explained that to Paul the Tour on the tour in the car. We got him to guess some tat And it was quite hard to go Oh I make a Mongolian throat singing noise That we inaccurately say as a didgeridoo When Phil gets things right And he justifiably said Why

Paul was very good He whispered some tat very well Paul was amazing We'll try and get him on at some point Yeah So here's the tat Phil Yeah Some stuff that's not really guessable there's some generic

route 66 kind of okay motorbikes just some worn metal sign literally yeah yeah route 66 the mother road it says underneath gross pointless you're in st albans have some pride yeah a bit of a sign that says m1 or something yeah yeah m1 it's It's fine. It gets you there. It gets you there. Okay, so. Oh, okay. This one is quite... Morgan Freeman could say this one. Oh, okay.

Never get so busy making a blank that you forget to make a blank. Never get so busy making... Never get so busy making a plan? Nope. Then you forget to make a blank. Never forget to make a

hmm an impression. It's a make a It's not plan. No. Is it like plan? Kind of. I'll say this.

When it says, never get so busy making a blank, the phrase that they use within that sentence, making a blank, that's an actual phrase that people say. Okay. The second sentence is gibberish trying to sound profound based on that. Okay, okay, okay. So that you forget to make a blank is a much less of a common i have a feeling the second was make a memory uh no more active than memory bigger bigger than memory bigger than one memory

oh gosh you can say it's many memories make a life yeah to make a life what a what a sentence yeah Never be so busy trying to make Never get so busy Making a blank That you forget to make a life Career? Other word for that that's related to life Make

A career, make a job Make an accomplishment Make Make a living Make a living. Make a living. Oh, so that makes more sense. If you'd had a shower, you'd have got it. I know.

I don't feel awake. Oy, oy, oy. But the... Oy, oy, oy. Oy, oy, oy. Dance Like No One Is Watching is on here as well. But it's right above a urinal. What? In a men's room?

I know. It's above a urinal too. Is that meant to be a joke? Messy. Yeah. You just dance while you're spraying piss everywhere. But it's weird to have

tat in a men's room that isn't sort of toxic man cave tat. Oh, there's one of these. Oh, good. Oh, there's two, kind of. One seems like misplaced mum tat. So here's, I'll go to the last generic one. Happiness is not a blank.'ll go the the last generic one happiness is not a blank it is a way of blank happiness is not a feeling it is a way of life way of life is correct

happiness is not uh it's weird it doesn't relate to the first word at all oh strange happiness is not a goal happiness is not a moment a physical version of the word goal. Happiness is not a moment. A physical version of the word goal, basically. Happiness is not a destination. It is a way of life. It doesn't make any sense. Gibberish. If you want breakfast

in bed, you have to blank in the blank. Oh, maybe we've had this one before. If you want breakfast in bed, you need to sleep in the kitchen. Yeah. Classic. But that's a sassy mum kitchen tat. It is.

And it's next to a urinal. But is it placed in the men's room like, huh, women, huh? This is the sort of thing she'd say. Yeah. Not like all the people in this room. Our wives are such that if we wanted breakfast in bed, we'd have to sleep in the kitchen. Our wives are such that if we wanted breakfast in bed, we'd have to sleep in the kitchen. Our wives are such. I would lose my mind and applaud if I saw a piece of tat in a men's room that began with the phrasing,

Our wives are such that. Biblical tat. That's the way that Dick Cheney speaks. Our wives are such that uh senator i think you'll find uh that's great so explicitly laying out the the premise of of man tats like yeah yeah it's the way spock would write tat our wives are such that uh we find their interjections stressful it's good spark it's good know, you're getting there. That one's kind of impossible to guess because it's a mental.

Can you read it out, though? Yes. It says, let her know early who's the boss. Look her clearly in the eye and say, you're the boss. Okay, I get it. Gotcha. I get it. Hee! I get it. Okay, anything that makes you giggle, smile, or laugh? Blanket or blanket?

Marriott? Second one. Marriott is the second one? Blanket or Marriott? Buy it or marry it? Really? Buy it or Marriott? Really? Buy it or Marriott? Giggle, smile or laugh?

So giggle is not laughing to these people. Giggles. I want it. It's very metropolitan to admit that men giggle. Cosmopolitan. Yeah, yeah, metropolitan. Yeah, yeah. Thatropolitans. Yeah, yeah. That's true, actually, yeah.

You never heard a guy in a pub go like, oh, my wife, she's a bit of a pain sometimes, but fucking hell, she makes me giggle. The only way you'd hear that is like, if you say, it's a bit of a giggle. Right. In a kind of like rhetorical way. Imagine a guy sitting there going like,

oh man, my wife made me giggle so hard the other day sorry what you wouldn't even let you finish the story i was giggling to do this about this earlier i gotta send you this i was giggling my head what yeah that's true it's really great also giggle or laugh. Are these not all the same thing? But these are all the same feeling. It's not like... It's all just amusement, isn't it? Well, smiling, I guess, you might be satisfied. Yeah.

Or happy. Giggle, smile, or laugh. Giggling. You could be shy giggling. Yeah. You'd be shy. If something makes you shy shy you should buy it be tickled by a bully ah yeah maybe i haven't thought of that marry a bully marry a bully

i married my best friend well i married my bully so good for you good for you. Good for you. I'm marrying my bully. Okay. Don't spend your life with someone you can blank with. Spend it on the one you can't blank blank. Don't spend your life with someone you can live with. Spend it with someone you can't live without. He's back.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. That's all the time we have. Thank you, Matt. Oh, thank Matt for the tat. Well whispered. That was another installation of Matt's tat. Matt's tat. Good job. Yeah, thank you, Matt, for the tat. Well whispered. That was another installation of Matt's tat. Matt's tat. Good job.

Yeah, thank you, Matt, for the tat. We tried to Google tat on tour to show Paul what we meant by tat, and it doesn't come up if you use the word tat. We need to popularize it. We tried to come up with a definition, and we came up with a definition. Which worked. I can't remember it now. It has to involve text

and tweeness and sort of amusement yeah or or or stating something and it's an unnecessary decoration but we can't there was a very succinct definition of it yeah we came up with it but i can't it'll be somewhere yeah in our brains um but anyway now it's time to go to the over decorated vip toilet the vip men's room the vip men's room of the patreon of the bonus pod yeah so if you're patreon we'll see you there on friday friday 5 p.m friday feeling um otherwise we'll see you at other times and hey this weekend we are in dublin and belfast yeah so you live in or near dublin and belfast get on my website for long.co.uk and get some tickets to either of those shows please do and also as i say every episode until i'm less afraid 15th of june leicester square theatre central london and also

my own tour in autumn bing bing bing bing bong a lot of fun stuff going on but we'll see you next time bye